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The Way We Wish It Were: We're Writing It Over Thanks!

radishcake

By radishcake
in The Young And The Restless

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crowswork

crowswork

I long for the days when Soaps would try to get in on 'trends' like disco's and man-perms.

 

maybe a plague of the walking dead could wander into GC, led by Asstin and Courtney.

 

or they could do derring do ala Mission Impossible 9 - only Victor would insist on being both the hero and the arch villain...and hanging off the airplane. "If that little Tom person can do it at 52 I can do it at 74."


Word to show: If you've already filmed the brilliant "deNewmahn" of finding out that Harding iz da Killah...

 

I can fix that for free...in the weeks following Harding's arrest/death we trap the real killer, Marco-Victor-Noah-Dummer(Yay) or any of the unwieldy and unattractive cast.  And we discover that Harding is innocent and it was all a plan by Dylan (SEE Jill it's your boy) and he becomes a cop and Harding becomes chief (cue Bromance) and Paul goes PI with Mariah and Kevin as junior G-men. Victor just dumps his company and becomes the Don of GC with Nikki as his Cookie like drunken moll staggering around in furs and fishnet stockings.

 

There are many scenes of fog on a dark warehouse filled dock  were gangsters meet. Victor gets to beat up everyone and shoot whoever he wants. Marco is his hit man. Victoia makes heroin laced eye shadow called Crash and Glassy.  Victoria is Vic's loyal #2 until she ambushed at the toll booth. Billy blames Adam. Michael is the Consulari. (SP)

 

Victor discovers that the Pratshit Project was actually done by Sharon who is the current head of the Milwaukee Mob. She avoids assassination by cleverly disguising herself as a small town serial bride with mental issues. Patty is her enforcer. Vic shouts "I knew it! The only two who took me down!"

 

to be continued by anyone

 

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pearlite

pearlite

PeacheslaTour

...but Jill comes out of nowhere, like a bat out of hell, with her minions, Canepire, Rone Wolf and Phillip/notPhillip and his army of gay Australian cattle mobsters.  She takes over Gloria's Operation with her Nasty Boys syndicate and they all reveal themselves to be aliens from Remulac who are coming to take Count Chocula's mixture of formaldehyde and babies blood- his Precious Bodily Fluids!!

 

And in today's Spoils of Wayward Wisconsin...

 

As AlienJill struggles, in a skin-tight leather ensemble, backed up by her VillageAliens, to take down GLORIA, her fluid levels drop, and the boys start to fade. As they flag momentarily in their search for POE, or OPE...

From out of nowhere [or just off-set], a throaty voice is heard,

    "Oh, no you don't, you tacky trollop! You may look like me, but you're just a cheap imitation, trust me! And you over there with the grey hair, I didn't like the original version of you, Colin or whatever, so don't expect any mercy from me!"

 

The boys quiver and huddle together stage left, wilting even more visibly:

     "Our Queen, we suffer, can you not help us? We thirst for POE."

But before AlienJill can choke out a reply, the throaty voice responds,

      "Shut up, you lily-livered bunch of chorus dancers! It's time you dealt with a real woman!"

 

Enter Jill, armed only with a pair of nail scissors and an oversize emery board. She despatches the chorus with a single spin-kick and well-aimed scissors-pokes. Except for AlienColin, who inspires a special kind of wrath,

      "Listen, you crappy doppelganger! In a town full of doubles, is this the best you've got? I'm gonna kick your ass all the way back to Port Charles, where you belong. And I'm calling Sonny to get you on the next boat out of Syracuse, or Rochester, or whatever!"

 

As Jill turns to face her double, she sees the scarlet soles of a pair of size-six Louboutins in a shadowy corner. Dismissing a moment of envy, she pulls out an industrial-sized bottle of nail-polish remover and, putting AlienJill in a hammerlock, grits out,

      "Thirsty, eh? Drink this, and see if it works!"

As she pours the pink fluid into AlienJIll's mouth, smoke pours from the ears and mouth of the alien and she dessicates into something like a deflated beach ball wrapped in leather.

 

      "GLORIA, hon, is that you?"

      "You'd better believe it, sweetcheeks. Now help me up; that kick-line almost did me in."

 

The women embrace briefly, only to be interrupted by a voice, possibly from beyond...

      "Girls, girls! It's so good to see the two of you together again."

 

      "Oh my God, it's you John!"

      "Yes, and I've run the longest con going here. You thought I was dead all this time, right? Well, with the combined power of my ex-wives and my True Purity of Essence, we can take down that bastard Newman! No more Mr Nice Guy--I'm baaaaaack! Now, somebody just touch up my spray tan, and we're ready to go."

 

Stay tuned for more doubles, more back-from-the-deads, and the True POE...

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HamsterOfDoom

HamsterOfDoom

... holy bats in chocolate sauce and dipped in ghee, there are THIRTY SIX NAMED CHARACTERS to write for! Some of them are minor (Harding, Joe) but most of them have actual backstory and history. So far I only have the list of characters. :(

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HamsterOfDoom

HamsterOfDoom

(edited)

Okay, please help: I have thirty-five characters listed (I counted Abby twice because I couldn't remember if I'd listed her). I need "current status" for every freaking one of them, along with relationships to other characters. If you can fill in any information, that will help drastically.

The characters are: Victor, Nikki, Victoria, Nick, Abby, Adam, Chelsea, Billy, Sage, Sharon, Ashley, Jack, Stitch, Dylan, Phyllis, Kyle, Summer, Noah, Faith?, Michael, Lauren, Fen?, Kevin, Mariah, Neil, Lily, Cane, Joe, Marisa, Marco, Paul, Christine, Devon, Hilary, Harding.

 

PLEASE give any details you think are relevant. Fen and Faith have question marks because both are used mostly as props, but have significant speaking parts. Connor and Johnny are props, too, but really have no purpose other than providing convenient talking points, angst, or employment for nannies.

Edited by HamsterOfDoom
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crowswork

crowswork

Connor and Johnny are props, too, but really have no purpose other than providing convenient talking points, angst, or employment for nannies.

Mu gosh. The stealth nannies and housekeepers on this show could be a problem. They are like the pets and blue-collar workers. Invisible.

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crowswork

crowswork

Meanwhile: Don Victor is - Now that Victoria has been taken out at the toll booth - looking for a new hair...err heir. He looks at Noah and Summer and decides two Fredo's ain't gonna cut it.

 

He decides not to die until Faith is at least 12.

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glowlights

glowlights

Won't let me quote the quote that was quoted within a post, so.... who came up with "deNewmahn"? Fucking brilliant. A tip of the hat to you, sir/madam.

 

 

... holy bats in chocolate sauce and dipped in ghee, there are THIRTY SIX NAMED CHARACTERS to write for! Some of them are minor (Harding, Joe) but most of them have actual backstory and history. So far I only have the list of characters. :(

 

There's a LOT of dead wood among those thirty six. Thin the herd, I say, thin the herd. (No need to worry about intricate plotting, just pull a Pratt and have a meteorite fall on GC. Save the characters that matter and buh-bye to the rest. )

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MollyB

MollyB

Aww, Hammy-I have some ideas to play with. 

How bout the long con idea with Hillary?  Multiple personalities (instead of bi-polar, which is not the same thing). Much more logical than these damn exact-in-every-detail-dopplegangers.

Dickolouse having a come-to-jebus-moment, literally, and joining a monastery of silent monks. 

Paul finding out Sgt. Sequoia is Hil's twin and they both are out to wreak havoc revenge on GC.  They both just have lots of patient alters who are battling it out with the more proactive alters. 

Nikki is really the mother of everyone in GC.

Dummer was switched with Einstein's offspring whilst in Switzerland.

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crowswork

crowswork

(edited)

Aww, Hammy-I have some ideas to play with.

How bout the long con idea with Hillary?  Multiple personalities (instead of bi-polar, which is not the same thing). Much more logical than these damn exact-in-every-detail-dopplegangers.

Dickolouse having a come-to-jebus-moment, literally, and joining a monastery of silent monks.

Paul finding out Sgt. Sequoia is Hil's twin and they both are out to wreak havoc revenge on GC.  They both just have lots of patient alters who are battling it out with the more proactive alters.

Nikki is really the mother of everyone in GC.

Dummer was switched with Einstein's offspring whilst in Switzerland.

 

More realistically, (Snort) there is a singularity hidden near the Abbott cabin...a vortex between universes. 

 

Every so often a person from one of the  AUs (Alternate universes) crosses over and the fun begins. (see, I said it was realistic!) So there is a Evul universe were Kay is still alive and drinks Bloody Marys with real blood. Victor is her sex toy. He calls her Mother Fear. (Anyone old enough to get that?) Everyone there has a goatee and the latest cross-over is sorta goatee Devon.

 

Marco is Criminal Jack from the GH-verse and so on. Abby has been replaced by someone from the competent-verse. We'll know it's true if Summer becomes smart and kind and not shitty. Adam has been replaced from the verse where cigarette billboard models still walk the earth.

 

Chelsea occasionally is from the verse where there is a higher oxygen content and so has to gasp here . (that's how you can tell it's not 'our' Chelsea.)

 

Mariah is actually AU Cassie who and can't believe that people believe Sharon misplaced a twin.

 

Makes about as much sense as doppelgangers.

Edited by crowswork
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glowlights

glowlights

While HamsterofDoom is busy rewriting The Mess Formerly Known As Y&R (get her a vodka stent, stat!) will you guys permit me to offer an alternate Marisa theory? Because even though it's entirely possible the Marisa we see is the Marisa we get, due to Pratt being an incompetent arse, I would really really really like for this all to be just a dumb cover story...

 

Therefore, I propose that Marisa was not in fact "plucked from the Peruvian gutter" but was posing as a Peruvian gutter gal in order to ensnare Marco, so that she could be embedded with his operation as an operative, either for an agency or for a rival criminal. Who knows, maybe she was forced to do it in order to avoid punishment for some crime of her own. Prince Matchabelli was just collateral damage - he was attracted to her and Marco ordered her to string the Prince along so Marco could get access to the Santori wealth. She of course didn't blow her cover to Prince Matchabelli as the Santoris aren't exactly upstanding citizens themselves. Like I said, collateral damage. It was due to Marisa's efforts that Marco was finally imprisoned and she then continued on with the remains of his gang. Victor came along and screwed it all up by springing Marco for his dumb Paragon Project, so then Marisa was saddled with helping Jack to safety. She then crashed Marco into the lake and went purposefully to the Underground so she could stay close to what Victor's up to, via Noah. Now the Prince has come along and is blowing her cover.

 

She had a perfectly fine upbringing. You know when Sage and Nick got married in the park and Noah asked Marisa how she knew to decorate the place so quickly, and she said she used to read magazines? HAHAHA. I read Vogue when I was a kid, doesn't mean I could whip up a couture gown from nothing. And remember when Marco came to her hotel room and commented on what a nice place she was staying in and she said she'd made some friends, as if working in a perpetually empty bar would pay for a fancy room? No, she's being funded.

 

Or maybe she is some minor royal herself but fell into a drug habit and Marco then seduced her, she tried to clean herself up and go back to a respectable life with the Prince but he was an asshole and drove her back into Marco's arms, then Marco was imprisoned thanks to the efforts of Santori (revenge) and she was captured by the boat captain, until Victor sprang Marco from jail and unleashed the current hell upon all of us.

 

Anything, ANYTHING other than a stereotypical Latina hootchie mama who shakes it like Charo whenever a rich guy comes along. It's 2015, Mr. Pratt.

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MollyB

MollyB

 

glowlights quote

I read Vogue when I was a kid, doesn't mean I could whip up a couture gown from nothing.

Chelz made-over thrift store findings and became a fashion-with-a-runway-show-in-Paris designer.  Dream big, girl!

 

oh, btw, I think Hammie is of the male persuasion.

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movinon

movinon

(edited)

 

oh, btw, I think Hammie is of the male persuasion.

I agree with you, Molly.  He says he isn't telling on his profile, but he forgets and refers to his wife in his posts.  Shall we have a vote?

Edited by movinon
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peacheslatour

peacheslatour

I agree with you, Molly.  He says he isn't telling on his profile, but he forgets and refers to his wife in his posts.  Shall we have a vote?

I always thought he was a dude.  As to glowlights scenario, I love it and it made perfect sense, therefore it will never make it to our screens.

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NinjaPenguins

NinjaPenguins

Diary of a Young and the Restless Writer

By Anonymous

DAY 1: Oh my god! I am so excited! I'm going to work on the show I watched with my grandma and mom. I will be writing for the Newman and Abbott families. This is a dream come true!

DAY 2: Everyone here is so nice! And funny. One of the interns told me not to make direct eye contact with Mr. Pratt. LOL! I caught his eye in the meeting this morning and nothing happened.

DAY 3: Dead fish in desk chair. Just a coincidence.

DAY 4: Had an amazing idea...what if Sage was that Sandy chick Nick and Sharon talked about a while back. She lied about being infertile to get Nick to knock her up and marry her and will take him for millions. Revenge stories are cool. Must email to boss...

DAY 6: Got a memo from JFP herself - wow! Invited to a top level meeting. Time to hit the town and celebrate!

DAY 9: "Top level meeting" just a JFP flunky with Power Point Presentation titled "Sage is Love." Slides of Sage next to cinnamon rolls, kittens wearing berets, and Christmas trees. Wind Beneath My Wings playing in background. Am I being inducted into a cult?

DAY 15: Must learn to stifle laughter. Had to wash Pratt's car after I snickered at buying a shipping company online with one click. Saw a garden gnome atop a silver briefcase in the backseat. It seemed...ominous.

DAY 17: Patience rewarded! Will be getting an outline for a new Jack story. I will be writing for Jack Abbott finally!!

DAY 18: JFP & Pratt hiring Cameron Mathison to play a scientist who proves Jack Abbott is the sole driving force behind global climate change. It's a timely topic, they say. Thank god wine can be purchased by the box.

DAY 21: Pratt just noticed Heroes Reborn on other network. Wants Dylan to discover supernatural powers, like healing the sick and raising the dead. I asked if that's how Victor keeps walking around. Haha. Pratt made me sniff the glove his doctor used for his last rectal exam. I no longer believe in God.

DAY 23: Sage and Nick will take a romantic trip before their child is born, says His Lord of Mightiness Pratt. The inn will lose their reservation and be fully booked during a blizzard, and they'll have to sleep in the stable...I've heard good things about absinthe. I'm gonna look into it.

DAY 30: I'm going out in a blaze of glory. Wait until Braeden reads his lines off that fucking smartphone. Maybe it won't get on the air, but Victor's declaration of love for Jack and his desire to perform unspeakable sex acts on him WILL go viral!!! I might also slap Pratt with that dead halibut, depending on my mood.

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movinon

movinon

(edited)

Ninja - this entire post is better than the last two years of this show.  I love all of it but the last three are absolutely brilliant.  I snorted vodka and now I can't breath through my nose and my eyes are burning - sending you the doctor bill if I am seriously injured.  Thank God for this board - I would kill myself without it.

 

Edited to say that I still hate Victor, just a little more than yesterday.

Edited by movinon
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NinjaPenguins

NinjaPenguins

Young and the Restless Character Biographies

New to beloved soap opera The Young and the Restless? These character sketches should prove useful.

VICTOR NEWMAN: Grotesque abomination and hero of the show. Has fathered four children so utterly worthless they would curdle a normal man's sperm. Runs Newman Enterprises, a bidness concern that probably produces defective condoms and asbestos. Married Nikki Newman but longs for rival Jack Abbott in a fashion more homoerotic than the movie Top Gun and pro football butt-slapping combined. Attracts numerous women and thumps men half his age despite being in an advanced state of decomposition. Porn name: Dirty Old Manchez.

NICHOLAS NEWMAN: Victor and Nikki discovered this human/baboon hybrid abandoned in a dumpster behind a Motel Six. Victor intended to train Nick as a monkey butler and assassin until Nikki and Victoria bonded with the little primate over tender butt-shaving sessions. After learning to curb his animalistic urges to masturbate in public and fling feces, Nick became a productive member of society, pursuing careers in serial adultery, sucker punching, and impregnating. Has a mind as nimble as an acrobat in a straitjacket. Currently married to the sister of Frodo Baggins, who is probably carrying Nick's nephew. Porn name: Hot Banana.

VICTORIA NEWMAN: Victor's oldest daughter, who sprang fully formed from his right buttock. Maintains a close relationship with her birthplace. President of the Victor Newman Fan Club and high priestess in the Church of Victoranity. Has proven her steadfast loyalty to Daddy by continuing to buff his balls even after he caused her miscarriage, cost her custody of her oldest child, set up her true love Billy to be raped and imprisoned on bogus charges, and admitted to shooting her children's uncle. A successful businesswoman if you consider her business to be disturbing, borderline incestuous father worship. Porn Name: Bohemian Rhapsody

ADAM NEWMAN: Look, Hope was blind, okay? Though the smell of rotting flesh should have repulsed her enough to prevent the conception of Victor's manscaped little woobie. Everyone thinks he's dead, but he's alive with a surgically altered face and stolen identity. He should have picked a better one than Poortaste McSmugnugget. Currently scheming with a creepy cult leader, which is sadly a step up from trolling the grieving father of his hit and run victim and mooning over a gasping grifter. Hates his father as much as Victoria loves him. Porn Name: Adam Newman.

ABBY NEWMAN: Raised by the late Brad Carlton, Abby suspiciously became an asshole after bio-dad Victor began influencing her life. Has gone from social media sensation Naked Heiress to a fully clothed airhead employed by Newman Enterprises. Ashley Abbott is her mother thanks to some stolen sperm and a turkey baster. Has finally landed her childhood crush, Caillou. Like her half-brother Adam, Abs ran someone over, only she did it on purpose. Porn Name: Debbie Does Doughboy.

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NinjaPenguins

NinjaPenguins

(edited)

Young and the Restless Character Biographies

New to this long-running daytime drama? Despair not, and let these character sketches guide you.

JACK ABBOTT: First of all, Jack Abbott would like to apologize for this character profile. The author's time could be better spent extolling the virtues of Victor Newman, family man and business icon. Second of all, Jack Abbott would like the opportunity to make amends for the fact that he has an evil Peruvian double. Jack meant to check in to Kelly's Love Shack and Malodorous Equine Institute and has no complaints about having to urinate in a hammock. Furthermore, Jack admits he should have been more careful about booking a cruise without reading the reviews, such as "Come for the pistol whipping, stay for the human trafficking." Jack will shut up now. Don't tell Victor he spoke without being spoken to. Porn Name: Marco Annicelli.

ASHLEY ABBOTT: Jack's sister and current CEO of Jabot. Has the worst taste in men in the history of the world. Spent years obsessing over an unwrapped mummy, culminating in the theft of his sperm dust and the creation of Abby Newman. Currently pines for the yeasty, undercooked man-biscuit attached to her daughter's boyfriend. From undead to bread, that's just how Ashley rolls. Get it? Porn name: Hot Ash

BILLY ABBOTT: He's a tan with a man attached. Works at Jabot, but spends the bulk of his time serving as Victoria Newman's thrall. Her dear daddy has done disgusting things to Billy, including false imprisonment and keeping him away from his cancer-stricken daughter Delia, but Billy would still personally serve his brother Jack up to a pack of cannibals if Victoria's vagina told him to. To be fair, he might not pre-season or marinate Jack. After Victoria's brother Adam ran over Delia and covered it up, Billy took Adam for a pleasant country drive. Porn Name: Dirty Tan Sofa (according to LeftPhalange, clearly an ardent fan of his work. I kid!*)

KYLE ABBOTT: 'Tis a beautiful tale of a lawn ornament left to mildew in a dark, lonely warehouse after Jabot shuttered it's landscaping division. All that garden gnome wanted was to be real, to breathe, to reach out his little hand and feel the droplets of rain that tapped against the grimy warehouse window. His keen sense of hope, so innocent and sheltered from human folly, plucked the heartstrings of the gods, who rendered him mortal. Jack Abbott, far too compassionate for his own good, adopted the lad and called him...son. That explains why it's totally cool for Kyle to bang his almost sister. Porn Name: Gnome with a Bone.

TRACY ABBOTT: Who? Porn Name: Huh?

*Or do I?

Edited by NinjaPenguins
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LeftPhalange

LeftPhalange

BILLY ABBOTT: He's a tan with a man attached. Works at Jabot, but spends the bulk of his time serving as Victoria Newman's thrall. Her dear daddy has done disgusting things to Billy, including false imprisonment and keeping him away from his cancer-stricken daughter Delia, but Billy would still personally serve his brother Jack up to a pack of cannibals if Victoria's vagina told him to. To be fair, he might not pre-season or marinate Jack. After Victoria's brother Adam ran over Delia and covered it up, Billy took Adam for a pleasant country drive. Porn Name: Dirty Tan Sofa (according to LeftPhalange, clearly an ardent fan of his work. I kid!*)

 

 

I can't say I'm a fan of porn involving humans humping old, dirty sofas. 

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NinjaPenguins

NinjaPenguins

Young and the Restless Character Biographies

So you're a brand new viewer of Y&R and need help understanding who the lovable bunch of rogues on your TV screen are? Let these character sketches be your trusty guide.

PHYLLIS ABBOTT: Not the most offensive homicidal maniac on this show, which is a really sad commentary on the bilge produced by the doucheteam that writes this garbage. Married to Jack Abbott after bravely overcoming a harrowing addiction to a rare, musky cave fungus found growing in monkey scrotes, Phyllis is employed part-time as a pest control expert. She specializes in brute force methods of vermin removal, with a focus on bugs and horses that refuse to bathe. Recommends sterilizing the surfaces of dumpsters by vigorously rubbing your undergarments against them. Spent months being raped by her husband's lookalike, because that's how Victor thinks you fight a computer virus. Did that last sentence sound ridiculous to you? Change the channel while you're still sane, my friend.

SUMMER NEWMAN: Phyllis's daughter with Nick. Or Jack. Well, it's probably Nick. A DNA test would clear everything up, but, sure, hop into bed with your former half-brother/current stepbrother on the word of a mentally ill woman who, while unmedicated, thinks she switched your paternity results. Just one of Summer's many sound life plans, such as marrying a violent felon and pursuing a career as a barstool cozy. Looks like an Abbott, selfish and dumb like a Newman...my god, Billy and Adam had hate sex and made a baby! Summer's going to school now with help from her tutor and intellectual superior, Faith.

SHARON NEWMAN: Bipolar tree-hugger. If something bad goes down in Genoa City that can't be traced to Jack, then it's probably Sharon's fault. She created the Paragon virus, ran over Delia, kidnapped Hillary, and put Rexx Rugs out of business. Sharon once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Is currently in Fairview under the care of GC's second creepiest doctor. Did I mention that Sharon performed the plastic surgery that transformed Adam into Gabe? True story. Her library books are three days overdue and she bent one of the page corners down to mark her place. Pure evil.

DYLAN MCAVOY: It is in the best interest of posterity that I record the true tenets of Dylanism, the peculiar strain of Christianity that arose in Genoa City early in the 21st century. The commandments were delivered unto Saint Paul of Straining Zipper and Saint Nicole the Absolut upon etched pine slabs and preached to the people by a humble carpenter turned barista. Dylan's wooden wisdom is best received over a soothing mug of hot chocolate and a biscotti. These are his commandments, hazelnut be praised. 1. Thou shall not emote. 2. If your enemy's face offendeth, thou should leap high and punch it out. 3. Thou shall befriend sentient bread products. 4. Thou shall never be seen fully de-barked, for that is the manner of the whore and sinner. 5. Thou shall still maketh the beast with two backs outside the sacred bond of matrimony if she inflameth the loins and stiffen the branch. Let us pray. For a better show.

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NinjaPenguins

NinjaPenguins

Young and the Restless Character Biographies

So you've discovered this little gem of a show and wish you had a handy dandy cheat sheet to keep all the characters straight? You're in luck! These profiles should help, and remember, apropos of nothing, that sometimes a little gem is just a cat turd wrapped in foil.

NEIL WINTERS: Once the proud, noble guardian of the Silver Briefcase of Righteous Justice, with which he was to deliver fiery vengeance and seering retribution upon Genoa City with Nikki Newman riding shotgun. Sadly, Neil's epic destiny was derailed by his adopted son shagging his wife; now he is the proprietor of the Genoa City Rehabilitation Center, conveniently located in a ramshackle boathouse and providing live free sex shows for patients both comatose and conscious. Being a richly diverse drama, Y&R boldly pairs almost all female characters with skin tones darker than vanilla with Neil, an African-American. When not forcing his former wife to slumber against her will in a mildewing shed and treating her with stolen drugs and shady ass doctors, Neil enjoys smooth jazz, fine Scotch, and submitting to slow-motion beatdowns by ancient shit demons to bolster their insatiable egos.

DEVON HAMILTON: Made a smooth transition from plucky foster kid to mother-in-law diddling sphinchter. Suffered a bout of meningitis that temporarily robbed him of his hearing and permanently erased his personality. Adopted by Neil Winters and his presumed dead wife Dru, a series of convoluted retcons transformed Devon into Katherine Chancellor's billionaire grandson. Married to Hillary, who mysteriously disappeared on their honeymoon in the Virgin Islands. Despite having literally billions of dollars, Devon is relying on an animated spruce to find his damn wife. You get what you pay for, tightwad. To be fair, he hasn't produced any annoying children or killed anyone, unless a viewer at home has expired from boredom.

CANE ASHBY: Vampire. Don't get excited, as Cane is one of those douchey, emo Twilight-style vampires that sparkle like bleached feces dipped in glitter. Helped his dad run a cattle mob in Australia, which is code for the time Cane was trapped in chupacabra form and mutilated his neighbor's steers. Jetted to America to pretend to be Jill's son Phillip, who faked his own death rather than come out of the closet. A series of convoluted retcons gave Cane an evil twin and a ticket to ride the gaslight express right over his wife, Lily Winters, who was parenting young twins at the time. Portrayed by a dynamic actor, Cane offers the viewer two irresistible expressions, a toolbag smirk and a constipated brooding pout starring shiny liver lips. Currently employed folding sweaters at Fenmore's.

LILY ASHBY: Cane's current blood supply and wife, Neil's daughter, and Devon's adoptive sister. Has been given VD by a chipmunk, mentally tormented by the undead, and nailed by Superman. When cancer ended her fertility, Lily had twins with Cane via a surrogate who obviously mainlined Red Bull and Pixie Sticks for nine months. Runs the Genoa City Athletic Club, and say what you will about Lily, but people show up at her venue, isn't that right, Nick, you fucking failure?

SAGE NEWMAN: Kittens wearing a piece of toast. Red velvet cupcakes. A newborn baby's soft, warm head. Double rainbows. A butterfly lands on a panda's nose. Fawns sipping at a gently flowing brook. Aurora Borealis. Poetry. Bubble baths. A koala bear befriends a turtle. Feathers from an angel's wing. Lavender-scented Vagisil.

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LeftPhalange

LeftPhalange

But Kelly is dead. As a doornail. What if writing about her summons her back from beyond the grave? Could you ever forgive me? Could I ever forgive...myself?

 

Sharon and Patty will kill her. They're the town psychos and they won't allow Smelly Horse to steal their spotlight.

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NinjaPenguins

NinjaPenguins

Young and the Restless Character Biographies

Well, here you are. Rock bottom. You're still watching this soap opera despite my thinly veiled warnings disguised as character sketches. I tried. At least I can comfort myself with that.

PAUL WILLIAMS: Genoa City residents sleep soundly at night thanks to the vigilance and integrity of Chief Williams. Break the law in his town, and he'll maybe eventually bring you in for questioning over Earl Grey tea and cranberry scones. Or shoot you in the face. Married to...no. I can't. It's time to get down to brass tacks and face facts: your pants are too damn tight, motherfucker! Even if we look past your now two-dimensional pelvis, can you really afford to ignore the compression damage to your internal organs? Get an MRI, I dare you! I bet everything is smooshed together and it's like a goddamned Salvador Dali painting all up in your abdominal cavity. God only knows what would happen if your zipper failed; scientists are probably running impact simulations at the Large Hadron Collider. When your fly being open is tantamount to a catastrophic structural failure on par with the Titanic, you might want to go up a fucking size. Is that why Detective Harding had to die? Was he about to split your seams, consequences be damned, and take you to a tailor with his ill-gotten Peruvian drug money? Sorry. So, um, Paul is married to the DA and once shot his sexy serial killer son right out a window and replaced him with a mobile pile of cedar chips.

CHRISTINE WILLIAMS: Jiminy Cricket's less talented younger sister and prosecuter of criminals on behalf of the good people of Genoa City. Effortlessly navigates the stormy seas of justice with the stoic grace of a tasmanian devil piloting a jet ski. As a dedicated lawyer, she weaves the delicate strands of evidence, witness testimony, and precedent into an elegant tapestry depicting a well-manicured hand flipping us the bird. Her eloquent closing arguments in the case of Smelt It v. Dealt It are still hailed by outgassers everywhere as a seminal moment in the fight for farter's rights. Known for her labor activism, Christine organized a boycott of Rexx Rugs due to unsafe parking lot conditions. Once ate the show like a swarm of termites let loose on a Christmas tree farm. Survived being splattered on Phyllis's windshield, but lost her larvae in a second battle with a bumper. Chris can be found wallowing in jealousy of Paul's 40 year old, 200 pound diaper baby with Nikki or performing mock trials with hand puppets. Verdict: Guilty. Of sucking.

BEN "STITCH" RAYBURN, M.D., V.D., S.T.D.: Looks like the kind of douche who does a striptease to Pour Some Sugar On Me in front of his bedroom mirror. Alone. Served in the military alongside his buddy, Dylan, and spent most of his time badgering his unit to call him a soldier of love while they wondered just when the fuck Caillou got old enough to enlist. Lost his medical license when it came out that he'd stolen some dead guy's identity after taking the rap for a murder he didn't commit. Regained his license after a stint as a rape perfume chemist with Jabot. Banged Victoria, her sister Abby, and Abby's mom Ashley, but it's okay because The Love Doctor can prescribe any of the powerful antibiotics they'll surely need. Stitch had a horse once, a horse he loved since childhood, a horse Victor assured him would be safe and well-groomed at the Newman stables. Stitch doesn't know yet that Victor sent his beloved horse to a glue factory in the tropics. Poor Stitch.

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