Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[Scarlett45]

On 8/16/2023 at 3:11 PM, Bastet said:

I haven't had a chance to read this yet, but Mother Jones ran an article How Dating Apps Became a Paradise for Predators

It’s a good article. 
 

I joined Bumble and Hinge and noticed some changes since I had been on in 2018. 
 

I have a date planned with a guy this week for coffee. Wish me luck. 

[oliviabenson]

Are tattoos on hands, fingers, whole sleeves a turn on/off for you all? 
 

Like if someone’s hands/fingers are now green from various tats it’s a big turn off for me.

[Scarlett45]

On 8/29/2023 at 6:30 PM, oliviabenson said:

Are tattoos on hands, fingers, whole sleeves a turn on/off for you all? 
 

Like if someone’s hands/fingers are now green from various tats it’s a big turn off for me.

I don’t care for tattoos as a general rule. Some are so beautiful but I don’t find them particularly sexy. If someone has a few that’s one thing, but an entire sleeve? I could see how they are a great artistic expression, but I’m not into it, don’t hate it though. 
 

I just got in from a Hinge date. Despite asking me to meet at 7:30pm (so late for a Thursday!) and then being 30min late (public transit) it was fun. (I don’t eat that late so I had tea)

He's REALLY nice and good to talk to. I'm just not attracted to him at all. Like his style- long beard and scraggly hair, with a tshirt and cut off shorts on a date-like NO. He said that I was dress conservatively with my cardigan (in a joking way)- it’s a THURSDAY and it was cold in there😝.

I'm not the least bit sexually intrigued at all. Nothing.
 

 I'm trying not to be so picky. I will message him my number tomorrow. He asked for it, and says he would like to go out again. My rule is i can give it my all for two dates, if I’m not feeling it then, no need to waste anyone’s time. 

[Bastet]

48 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Like his style- long beard and scraggly hair, with a tshirt and cut off shorts on a date

Yeah, no.

I once had a blind first date (set up by a co-worker and reluctantly agreed to back when I was in my first year of college and dumb enough to be talked into such things) turn up for lunch in sweatpants.  He did also have flowers, and immediately apologized for his appearance; he'd been unexpectedly held up at work, where he wore a uniform, for a significant time, and that was the only thing he had to change into and thought that was a lesser offense than going home to change into proper clothes and being late (this was before cell phones).  I totally let that go.  (It just turned out I wasn't into him in general for a variety of reasons that were not bad, just things co-worker failed to disclose that made him not remotely suitable to me.) 

But your guy's outfit on a first date with no qualms?  Ugh.  (I don't like the beard/hair combo, either, but that's pure personal preference; not liking someone making their first impression with sloppy clothes is about more than that.)  I get seeing what a second date brings before making a decision, though, since he was nice and a good conversationalist.

[Scarlett45]

9 hours ago, Bastet said:

But your guy's outfit on a first date with no qualms?  Ugh.  (I don't like the beard/hair combo, either, but that's pure personal preference; not liking someone making their first impression with sloppy clothes is about more than that.)  I get seeing what a second date brings before making a decision, though, since he was nice and a good conversationalist.

When he sent the first message on the app he seemed witty so I decided to give it a try. Let’s see where it goes. I’m not going to not have a good time with a fun person over a tiny superficial thing. 

Id have ignored the clothes (I think he has a casual job) if his hair and beard were neat (although I tend not to like beards, and I don’t like long hair on men unless it’s locs).

Sometimes opposites attract. But I have fantasies of a makeover montage ala a rom com. 

[theredhead77]

15 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

My rule is i can give it my all for two dates, if I’m not feeling it then, no need to waste anyone’s time. 

This is also my rule.

Last night was my second and final date with someone I connected with on Hinge.  We connected a few weeks ago and had our first date last Saturday.

The conversation flowed prior to meeting but felt he was coming on too strong for not meeting IRL. For example: he sent a "good morning" text every day and a "good evening" text every night, even if I hadn't replied. After the first date was set (dinner) he wanted to plan things to do after dinner. Dude, we're meeting at 7:30. After dinner I want to go home and go to bed (alone). I told several times we should play that by ear, I like to keep things casual and and low-pressure on a first meeting.

I was very clear that while I was also looking for an LTR, I like to take things slow and am looking for someone to compliment my life, not be my entire life.

On the first date, he Ubered because he thought we'd be drinking (red flag for being that presumptuous, green flag for being responsible), he talked about himself almost the entire time, trying to make himself seem desirable by sharing how he could have a sugar baby or a casual fling, but he wanted a LTR (I knew he wanted an LTR, as do I). I was almost done eating before he started because he just kept talking. I used that opportunity to listen for red flags and a few came up, it seemed he was quick to jump into things.

After dinner, we walked around a bit before I left. I was hoping the change of environment would allow the conversation to flow better. 

Since I know first dates can be weird, and he did seem nice, I suggested we go out again, and I'd plan the date. I suggested a game night at a local pub on Thursday. He asked several times if I wanted to meet up between the first and second date (which was less than a week later - see coming on too strong).

Last night was date 2. He was 30 minutes late, but didn't text me that he was running late until 10 minutes after he was supposed to be there. I hoped the gaming environment would be less pressure and would allow conversation to flow. Nope. He talked about himself, almost non-stop, took forever to tell stories and more red flags came up. My theory he jumps into things was also validated because he was making comments about converting me into football, we should go to a game, and all sorts of 'distant future' things. Way too much, too soon. I bought my own dinner but let him buy me a beer. I planned on paying for the entire date but he wouldn't let me.

When I got home I let him know that while I had fun, I wasn't feeling it. Thanked him again for dinner and the beer, and wished him the best. I don't even want to be friends.

I put myself out there and revalidated that I'm not willing to just jump into something to be in a relationship. I haven't dated in awhile and am rusty, so all in all, I don't consider it a waste of my time, but lessons learned.

[Scarlett45]

3 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Dude, we're meeting at 7:30. After dinner I want to go home and go to bed (alone). I told several times we should play that by ear, I like to keep things casual and and low-pressure on a first meeting.

Amen! A first date from an app/online is coffee/tea/ice cream. I don’t even know if I want to eat an entire meal with you yet. 

Sorry you didn’t vibe with him. But listen to your instincts always. 

[Jaded]

I've never minded long hair on guys. At this point in life I could care less about tattoos especially if the person is kind, caring and understanding with a side of humor. Tall order I know. Most importantly someone who I'd feel safe being myself around.
*

On 9/1/2023 at 8:23 AM, Scarlett45 said:

Sometimes opposites attract.

I apologize beforehand to everyone for this. I can't not think of this video when the opposites attract theory is mentioned..
 

 

[theredhead77]

49 minutes ago, Jaded said:

I apologize beforehand to everyone for this. I can't not think of this video when the opposites attract theory is mentioned..

Love that video! 

[RealHousewife]

On 9/1/2023 at 5:16 PM, Scarlett45 said:

Amen! A first date from an app/online is coffee/tea/ice cream. I don’t even know if I want to eat an entire meal with you yet. 

Sorry you didn’t vibe with him. But listen to your instincts always. 

Some people feel like a date isn't a date unless it's more formal, but I'm with y'all. As someone who isn't into dating period, the idea of something quick is much more appealing to me if meeting for the first time. 

6 hours ago, Jaded said:

I've never minded long hair on guys. At this point in life I could care less about tattoos especially if the person is kind, caring and understanding with a side of humor. Tall order I know. Most importantly someone who I'd feel safe being myself around.
*

I apologize beforehand to everyone for this. I can't not think of this video when the opposites attract theory is mentioned..
 

 

Yeah, I'm not attracted to men who remind me too much of myself. I think someone polar opposite would get on my nerves though. I forgot if someone here said this, but it's about having enough in common to build a bond, but enough differences so you're not bored. 

I wish I could be a confident dater like everyone here, but I'll just have to vicariously live through you. I continue to be open to love, but I really want to randomly meet someone, become friends, and go from there. That's my tall order!

[oliviabenson]

9 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Some people feel like a date isn't a date unless it's more formal, but I'm with y'all. As someone who isn't into dating period, the idea of something quick is much more appealing to me if meeting for the first time. 

Yeah, I'm not attracted to men who remind me too much of myself. I think someone polar opposite would get on my nerves though. I forgot if someone here said this, but it's about having enough in common to build a bond, but enough differences so you're not bored. 

I wish I could be a confident dater like everyone here, but I'll just have to vicariously live through you. I continue to be open to love,

 

but I really want to randomly meet someone, become friends, and go from there. That's my tall order!

Bottom 3 lines, same here. I want to meet someone IRL. 

[Lisa418722]

10 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I wish I could be a confident dater like everyone here, but I'll just have to vicariously live through you. I continue to be open to love, but I really want to randomly meet someone, become friends, and go from there. That's my tall order!

I am as far from a confident dater as a person can be. But that's why I'm still single.  I've given up on online dating because while it's given me some good stories, it hasn't given me a relationship.  I would love to meet someone in the real world, but that hasn't happened either.  I know that is on me though because in my career I've never met anyone (used to mostly work with women and now I  mostly work from home) and in my neighborhood, I don't see myself "meeting cute" with anyone.  

[Scarlett45]

Hinge guy wants to have coffee tomorrow. 

I'm debating if I want to go
It's a Scarlett45 Day (Labor Day bank holiday in the USA- if the bank is closed I am closed, no one is allowed to ask me to do anything!). 

I'm already having dinner with my bff & her family tomorrow I don't know if that's too much social interaction for me (I know I'm in a weird head space right now, I'm very tired).

I can fully admit it’s nice to be liked, and I liked his personality, but I’m so not attracted to this man at all (which I know is a common problem for hetero women but it hasn’t really happened to me). I’m giving myself a few hours to think about it before I text him back. Maybe we can do something next weekend. 

[Jaded]

54 minutes ago, Lisa418722 said:

I am as far from a confident dater as a person can be. But that's why I'm still single.

[Scarlett45]

12 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I wish I could be a confident dater like everyone here, but I'll just have to vicariously live through you. I continue to be open to love, but I really want to randomly meet someone, become friends, and go from there. That's my tall order!

You can still do that! You just have to put yourself where single men you’d want to be friends with are and it’s more likely to happen. 

 

1 hour ago, Lisa418722 said:

I am as far from a confident dater as a person can be. But that's why I'm still single.  I've given up on online dating because while it's given me some good stories, it hasn't given me a relationship.  I would love to meet someone in the real world, but that hasn't happened either.  I know that is on me though because in my career I've never met anyone (used to mostly work with women and now I  mostly work from home) and in my neighborhood, I don't see myself "meeting cute" with anyone.  

I don’t consider myself a confident dater. I’m an extrovert with impeccable social graces who can have a conversation with a brick wall- but that doesn’t make finding a relationship (if I even want that) any easier. It makes it easier to identify available men who like my picture and that’s it. 
 

An actual connection is hard, don’t know if I’ll find it but I’m all about the interactions right now. 

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

I'm debating if I want to go

That's probably a good sign you shouldn't; you said you want to give it your all for two dates before deciding, and you can't give it your all if you're at least halfway wishing you were having your planned Me Day instead.  

[oliviabenson]

I don’t care for long hair/long beards on guys either. 
 

 

[Scarlett45]

44 minutes ago, Bastet said:

That's probably a good sign you shouldn't; you said you want to give it your all for two dates before deciding, and you can't give it your all if you're at least halfway wishing you were having your planned Me Day instead.  

You have a point. I asked him could we make plans for Sunday (a week from today) and he asked for something sooner. 
 

I was nice about it, and told him I can’t do 8pm during the week- I have to be fresh for work. 

But I thought “don’t most adults date on the weekend??” Yes I know there are people that have shift work etc, but I work a 8-5, M-F. I can’t be out socializing at 8pm and go to work the next day!😋

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

But I thought “don’t most adults date on the weekend??” Yes I know there are people that have shift work etc, but I work a 8-5, M-F. I can’t be out socializing at 8pm and go to work the next day!

I don't think it's unreasonable to meet for dinner at 6 or 6:30 during the week. 

[Scarlett45]

8 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I don't think it's unreasonable to meet for dinner at 6 or 6:30 during the week. 

Yes that would be fine (if I ate dinner which I don’t). But 8pm??? I have to be up before 6am. 

[theredhead77]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Yes that would be fine (if I ate dinner which I don’t). But 8pm??? I have to be up before 6am. 

Oh, I missed where he wanted to meet up at 8pm for the second date. Can he meet you for coffee / tea / a drink earlier or is he not free until 8pm, ever?

[RealHousewife]

3 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Oh, I missed where he wanted to meet up at 8pm for the second date. Can he meet you for coffee / tea / a drink earlier or is he not free until 8pm, ever?

Yeah I'd either suggest meeting for an earlier dinner or something more quick during the work week.

 

[Scarlett45]

13 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Oh, I missed where he wanted to meet up at 8pm for the second date. Can he meet you for coffee / tea / a drink earlier or is he not free until 8pm, ever?

 

8 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

Yeah I'd either suggest meeting for an earlier dinner or something more quick during the work week.

 

I appreciate the support. He’s free at 8pm. But at this point I’m not restructuring my schedule for him. We are in the Sunday brunch phase. 

[Bastet]

I generally work (from home) 10-7, so 8:00 would be perfect for me (that's the absolute earliest I want to eat dinner), but for someone who has to get up early, late weeknight dinners aren't feasible.  He'll just have to wait until next weekend like you had initially suggested.

Edited September 3, 2023 by Bastet

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

But at this point I’m not restructuring my schedule for him.

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting you restructure your schedule for him.

My initial response was to the comment about adults primarily dating on the weekends. As someone who works a standard 8-5, meeting up at 6/6:30 for dinner on a weeknight would be fine. 

I agree with your two date rule, but it doesn't sound like this is a match, with availability, or attraction, so unless you're both open to making new friends, it's probably best to part ways.

[Scarlett45]

38 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting you restructure your schedule for him.

My initial response was to the comment about adults primarily dating on the weekends. As someone who works a standard 8-5, meeting up at 6/6:30 for dinner on a weeknight would be fine. 

I agree with your two date rule, but it doesn't sound like this is a match, with availability, or attraction, so unless you're both open to making new friends, it's probably best to part ways.

Oh I know. I appreciate your feedback! It’s nice to be able to share here and bounce ideas off of you guys. 

[nokat]

I'm in my senior years, and how the hell do I know if someone is interested? Getting driven past places and them saying they have good food. This guy is hot for an older man. I am clueless.

[Scarlett45]

6 hours ago, nokat said:

I'm in my senior years, and how the hell do I know if someone is interested? Getting driven past places and them saying they have good food. This guy is hot for an older man. I am clueless.

Assuming this person is from the same social group as you, the cues you used when you were younger still apply. Driving you? Why were they driving you? Are you already friends? Do you know someone in common?

 

[nokat]

1 minute ago, Scarlett45 said:

Assuming this person is from the same social group as you, the cues you used when you were younger still apply. Driving you? Why were they driving you? Are you already friends? Do you know someone in common?

 

A new social group, and I had said how little I knew of the city. He pointed out future places to go. I have no real interest in another relationship.

[Scarlett45]

1 minute ago, nokat said:

A new social group, and I had said how little I knew of the city. He pointed out future places to go. I have no real interest in another relationship.

I wouldnt be surprised if he asks you out for a meal. If you are interested in a new dining companion it might be fun (even if dating isn't your thing).

[nokat]

Just now, Scarlett45 said:

I wouldnt be surprised if he asks you out for a meal. If you are interested in a new dining companion it might be fun (even if dating isn't your thing).

The intent was there. I would love a dining companion, or companion in general.  I like to pay for my own meal but he has money and I'm probably ten years younger.

[Scarlett45]

10 minutes ago, nokat said:

The intent was there. I would love a dining companion, or companion in general.  I like to pay for my own meal but he has money and I'm probably ten years younger.

Keep us updated on how it goes!

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, nokat said:

A new social group, and I had said how little I knew of the city. He pointed out future places to go. I have no real interest in another relationship.

At his age, he might not, either.  (Some men are always looking for that, usually because they want someone to take care of them.)  It would be nice if he just wants the same time of companion you do.

[nokat]

48 minutes ago, Bastet said:

At his age, he might not, either.  (Some men are always looking for that, usually because they want someone to take care of them.)  It would be nice if he just wants the same time of companion you do.

He is very active so I didn't get the "take care of him" feel, and  I don't want to feel like I enjoy his money.

[Scarlett45]

I promise I am not boring you all with my dating life, I’m giving you the highs and lows. 
 

I had another guy from Hinge (let’s call him JC)- JC was a cutie, with an adorable cat. We met at Starbucks and the first thing out of his mouth was “I hate driving in the city.” I went “uh oh” and decided I was paying for my own Starbucks because this likely wasn’t going to go well. 
 

This was one of the DRIEST dates I’ve been on in years. He only lit up when he talked about his cat, so I looked at videos of his cat. He then told me about how his parents wanted him to go down to Mexico to find a fiancé (not totally random, I shared with him how I did K-1 visas right out of law school); I gave him 45min, I thought that was fair and told him it was nice to meet him. 
 

If it’s a struggle for ME to keep a conversation going there is no hope. We just weren’t vibing. I wish him all the best. 

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

He only lit up when he talked about his cat

OMG, I love this guy.  I don't want to date him, but I love him.

[JTMacc99]

11 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

This was one of the DRIEST dates I’ve been on in years.

Heh. I had one of those once. It was difficult to see coming, as she was engaged and interesting in the preliminary texting chit-chat. 

It's just one of the many things that make meeting online first such a crapshoot. When you somehow dumb luck strike up a conversation with a person at a store or some other public place that leads to a date, you already know whether or not there is a spark that may or may not start a fire.

Online can be super fun and witty banter leading up to the meeting and then... fizzle.

 

[Scarlett45]

So evidence I should listen to my instincts and trust you all. 
 

I was scheduling a second date with Hinge guy, who I’m not attracted to but was nice and funny, and I enjoyed spending time with.
 

Im free Sunday brunch as I have plans Friday night, and Saturday during the day. 
 

I suggest brunch, he says he isn’t into brunch and we could do tea/a walk. Okay, I suggest 9am at a place he likes, he suggests 10am. I say that’s fine but I have to leave at 12pm (two hours is fine for a second date I think); and I want to be back to walk Cosmo before I have to take care of my sister. 
 

And he asks me WHY??

None of your damn business. WHY?????

Boundaries please. 

[Mondrianyone]

Run.

[Scarlett45]

26 minutes ago, Mondrianyone said:

Run.

I am running as fast as these thick thighs can carry me. I’m not even responding. 
 

The only people alive who have a right to ask me “why?” I have to leave at a certain time are my MOM and my BOSS. 

[Mondrianyone]

52 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

I’m not even responding.

Good.

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

I’m not attracted to but was nice and funny, and I enjoyed spending time with.

I'm nice and funny, and people enjoy spending time with me. But I'll bet that not everything you propose to me would provoke a counteroffer or spawn a negotiation. That is so mentally exhausting in a person. I like people who say, "Sure! That sounds good!"

Throw in the fact that you're not even attracted to him, and what the hell is the point?

And this free advice comes from someone who hasn't dated since people were chipping flint to get sparks. So if I say you should run, run.

[Scarlett45]

38 minutes ago, Mondrianyone said:

Good.

I'm nice and funny, and people enjoy spending time with me. But I'll bet that not everything you propose to me would provoke a counteroffer or spawn a negotiation. That is so mentally exhausting in a person. I like people who say, "Sure! That sounds good!"

Throw in the fact that you're not even attracted to him, and what the hell is the point?

And this free advice comes from someone who hasn't dated since people were chipping flint to get sparks. So if I say you should run, run.

I am running I promise!

[Lantern7]

For anyone that uses OKC . . . do the "Boosts" make a difference? I'm thinking not, but I'd try anything right about now.

[theredhead77]

On 9/7/2023 at 8:38 AM, Scarlett45 said:

And he asks me WHY??

I probably would have had some smart ass remark* before saying never mind, making sure he read it (by replying or unmatching) and then unmatching if he responded. 

*Possible remarks:
I have to help my friend bury a body
My friend can only pretend to be me for so long (w/ no other context)
My identical hand twin needs me to cover their shift
My Magic 8 Ball told me to

I just unmatched with someone on Hinge. It started out fine, I liked his photo of him with Neil deGrasse Tyson, he asked if I was going to see him the next time is here (topical), I asked about his photo, then he went on a rant about NdGT's trolling undermining his message and work. Yea, NdGT is problematic but slow your roll, dude. You're choosing to spend your money and time supporting him. I didn't respond, waited 2 days, he didn't initiate any other conversation so I unmatched. I don't need that sort of energy in my life so soon.
 

Edited September 13, 2023 by theredhead77

[oliviabenson]

On 9/12/2023 at 12:52 AM, Lantern7 said:

For anyone that uses OKC . . . do the "Boosts" make a difference? I'm thinking not, but I'd try anything right about now.

I never paid for boosts. But on reddit people say it pays off or it doesn’t. I think it depends on your profile. It’s your $. I’d give it a shot to see if it makes a difference. It seems like you want to pay for boosts. 

[oliviabenson]

I wish dating apps made it a requirement to submit proof of identity in order to use the app. Tired of all the fake accounts and catfish. 

[RealHousewife]

Well, still no luck dating here, but I did make a new male friend that I have dinner plans with this weekend. :) We're not attracted to each other, but it's so nice to have a new fiend to just do stuff with, and it's refreshing how respectful and gentlemanly he is. 

Edited September 25, 2023 by RealHousewife

[Scarlett45]

On 9/22/2023 at 3:04 PM, oliviabenson said:

I wish dating apps made it a requirement to submit proof of identity in order to use the app. Tired of all the fake accounts and catfish. 

A lot of them do now. It was required of me to verify my profile. 

On 9/22/2023 at 11:02 PM, RealHousewife said:

Well, still no luck dating here, but I did make a new male friend that I have dinner plans with this weekend. :) We're not attached to each other, but it's so nice to have a new fiend to just do stuff with, and it's refreshing how respectful and gentlemanly he is. 

That’s good. Maybe he has friends that are single. 

[RealHousewife]

On 9/24/2023 at 7:23 AM, Scarlett45 said:

A lot of them do now. It was required of me to verify my profile. 

That’s good. Maybe he has friends that are single. 

You are right that expanding your social circle helps meet other people, but this friend is an introvert who doesn't have many friends. I appreciate him as just a buddy to do stuff with and remind me men can be good. I know it sounds weird, but as much as I worry about being pretty enough, I love it when I'm not a guy's type and he still appreciates my company. So many guys just care about hooking up.

So venting quite a bit here, not sure if anyone will read it but what the heck.

Anyone else here feel like they don't have enough hobbies? Between time spent working, time spent on things like hair, makeup, nails, as well as my anxiety and shyness, I either don't have the time/money for cool hobbies or can't bring myself to participate even if I desperately want to and have a free evening. 

I dance as a hobby, but I am not a professional dancer by any means, and I can be too anxious to go to the dances. I force myself just to go to class some days. (Dance is how I met the new friend btw.) I also get embarrassed to even share this hobby with most people. Because I'm so shy, some people wouldn't expect me to even be into it because social dancing requires you to be well, social, and the moves can be on the sexy side. Other than that, I mostly watch TV, bs on here, see some movies, go to concerts or theatre, shop, go for walks, things like that. I love to travel, but that is an expensive hobby and not one I can indulge in as much as I would like.

I just feel really untalented. I'm not good with cars. I can cook and do enjoy it as a hobby, but I'm not a chef nor someone who cooks every day. I love to bake and can manage the simple recipes, but not expert at that either. I don't play any instruments. I don't play any sports. I don't have a glamorous career to discuss on a date. I did used to act as a hobby, but I let that go because I was too self-conscious and private and didn't want to be a remotely public person. (I miss the craft and being around other actors dearly.)

I also feel like I could be boring because I don't have a ton to share about my personal life. I've never been married or engaged, no kids. My traumas aren't things I like to discuss IRL with anyone other than a select few. Thought I was in love twice, but now I think it was zero. Have no "one that got away," but definitely sabotaged stuff with good guys due to attachment issues. Most people my age have at least been engaged. It's not that I even wanted that when I was younger. I wan't the girl who always wanted to get married and have kids, but I know it can look weird to people.

I feel like guys just like me because they think I'm pretty. While I don't think I'm ugly, it sucks when you feel the way you look is all you have to offer. I just think well I'm getting older, I've got this flaw, that flaw, all these perfect looking women out there. I'm one of the few women I know approaching 40 who's had no plastic surgery or botox. Most of my friends have either had botox, a nose job, a boob job, something done. I wonder if I should finally give in to that stuff or not. I am not entirely sure why I'm extra down on myself tonight. I know I am a good person and can be fun to be around, but I just feel like why would anyone want me when there are cute girls everywhere. :(

Edited September 27, 2023 by RealHousewife

[Bastet]

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I'm one of the few women I know approaching 40 who's had no plastic surgery or botox. Most of my friends have either had botox, a nose job, a boob job, something done.

That's terribly sad.  While they're not my jam (I don't even wear make-up or dye my hair, so I'm certainly not injecting botulism or going under the knife), I don't think cosmetic procedures are inherently bad; women make decisions in a sexist and ageist society, and some of them even have careers that depend on catering to that (which means they, in turn, collectively perpetuate the lie about what most women of a given age look like), and I'm never going to turn on them, instead focusing on the prejudices that created the environment in which they made their choices.

But for any given "regular" person - especially one only in her thirties - to have most of the women in her social circle choosing to undergo a cosmetic procedure?  That speaks to a goddamned epidemic of warped expectations.  Note there is no similar epidemic among men of that age to attain, especially in such intrusive and expensive ways, the male standard of attractive (which, while narrow, has nothing on that imposed on women).

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I know it sounds weird, but as much as I worry about being pretty enough, I love it when I'm not a guy's type and he still appreciates my company. So many guys just care about hooking up.

That's not weird at all!  We as women are so often reduced to sex objects, accepted or dismissed based not on our personalities or abilities but on whether we're deemed a fuckable pursuit, it's indeed nice to be appreciated by a man just as a person.  Especially when that happens in a social setting, not a professional one where there is at least a moderate expectation of evaluating us on our brains not our bodies.

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I just feel really untalented.

You're not untalented.  You're just not a prodigy, which is true of almost all of us.  Cooking is a talent, among the vast majority of people who could not make a living as a chef.  Baking even more so.  (It's so typical of the patriarchy that pastry chefs, mostly women, are so low on the culinary totem pole, when their craft requires more technical skill.)  Dancing is a talent.  All careers require talents, so while whatever yours is may not be a glamorous one, there are obviously other skills you have.

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Anyone else here feel like they don't have enough hobbies?

No, because hobbies are by definition things done leisurely for personal enjoyment; they're not obligations, so any time a former hobby causes more stress than pleasure, it should be dropped for at least a time.  Participation in hobbies may have the bonus of helping others, but that's not the purpose of them, just a bonus.  So if one's hobbies consist of things like watching TV, films, and plays and posting about those experiences, plus/or shopping, walking, traveling, etc, that's a full life.

Edited September 27, 2023 by Bastet