Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[CastleBell]

I'm on vacation from work this week so I had a quick afternoon coffee date with the man I mentioned above as having a nice opening message. Emphasis on quick.

He said that because of his son's schedule he wanted to meet at a place near him. Interesting trip over there for me as I skirted around the guy mumbling about mothereffing cops and was grateful that I just barely missed getting a condom that was lying on the street caught in my sandal... Anyway, it was about a half-hour trip for me, and while I did hurry I didn't know where I was going and I was precisely two minutes late. I know it was two minutes from the time stamp on the text he sent me asking after me as I stepped in the door. So the nice barista asked what I wanted to drink and since he was at the point of texting and I was late, I said I was meeting someone and would be back in the minute.

He already had his drink and launched into the conversation. We talked non-stop for 45 minutes, so at least he can carry his share of a conversation. Then he abruptly said he had to get his son and stood up, almost in mid-sentence. I walked with him toward the door, said I'd get a drink on my way out, and that was that, he was long gone before I'd paid for the lemonade. 

I 100% do not believe that men should have to pay on dates, even if they asked (this guy did), especially in the internet dating paradigm. I always always offer to split. The last guy I dated in December paid the first, we split the second, and I paid the third, and because of what we were doing at various times, I actually paid more. But I retroactively noticed that this is the very first time I've ever been out with a man who didn't even offer to pay... $4.25 for lemonade, less than my subway fare there and back. He spent the whole 45 minutes drinking his drink in front of me, too. Of course I could have interrupted the conversation and gotten up to get something, but it still seems quite unusual. 

And while he made me laugh every time we emailed, the compatible sense of humor thing wasn't there in person. Alas.

[JTMacc99]

Hmm...

15 hours ago, CastleBell said:

Emphasis on quick.

On the one hand, I'm all for getting out of the texting and meeting face to face as quickly as possible. There's just a lot to be said for actual human interaction as opposed to trying to learn about each other before ever actually meeting. 

On the other hand, a quick meet up with a hard stop time like what you did only seems to make sense if you're already pretty sure you're going to get along and are talking about going out for a real date on the weekend. It's the equivalent of the 25 minute phone call I had with someone I'm going to see on Saturday. It serves as a pre-date screening, make sure the other person doesn't have some sort of Seinfeld quirk you can't pick up through texting like being a high talker. 

And of the things you listed as feeling a little off, I wonder if the lack of humor had any connection to him being under a time constraint. He clearly managed the whole time thing poorly, the abrupt cut off, the rushing out the door, it all sounds kind of disappointing, and it probably didn't have to be that way.

Here's the way my phone call went down:  She surprised me in the morning taking a couple of texts and turning it into "Would you like to talk on the phone? If you're free, call me." I was not free, so I asked if I could call around noon. That was yes until she realized she was at the gym at noon and pushed it to 1:00.  I pushed it to 1:30 knowing that at 1:45 I had to go pick up my kids from camp at 2:00. That gave me two hard stops just in case it didn't go well or if it was going really well. I let her know right when we got on the phone. Since it was fun and easy at 1:45 I told her I was walking out to my car in case she hears any odd noises. We talked on the drive over, and I pulled into the parking lot about 4 minutes early. At 2:00 she says to me, did you get to the camp yet? Answer was yes, but I parked in a place so that they couldn't see I was just sitting in the car not coming to get them. We then said our goodbyes and said we were looking forward to Saturday. 

To me, that was an acceptable quick chat. Not long enough to start exchanging real information about each other, but plenty long to see that we're going to be able to have a conversation and that neither person sounds strange or "off".  I think the same thing could be accomplished with a quick cup of coffee if managed correctly. 

[SaySay24]

6 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Hmm...

On the one hand, I'm all for getting out of the texting and meeting face to face as quickly as possible. There's just a lot to be said for actual human interaction as opposed to trying to learn about each other before ever actually meeting. 

On the other hand, a quick meet up with a hard stop time like what you did only seems to make sense if you're already pretty sure you're going to get along and are talking about going out for a real date on the weekend. It's the equivalent of the 25 minute phone call I had with someone I'm going to see on Saturday. It serves as a pre-date screening, make sure the other person doesn't have some sort of Seinfeld quirk you can't pick up through texting like being a high talker. 

And of the things you listed as feeling a little off, I wonder if the lack of humor had any connection to him being under a time constraint. He clearly managed the whole time thing poorly, the abrupt cut off, the rushing out the door, it all sounds kind of disappointing, and it probably didn't have to be that way.

Here's the way my phone call went down:  She surprised me in the morning taking a couple of texts and turning it into "Would you like to talk on the phone? If you're free, call me." I was not free, so I asked if I could call around noon. That was yes until she realized she was at the gym at noon and pushed it to 1:00.  I pushed it to 1:30 knowing that at 1:45 I had to go pick up my kids from camp at 2:00. That gave me two hard stops just in case it didn't go well or if it was going really well. I let her know right when we got on the phone. Since it was fun and easy at 1:45 I told her I was walking out to my car in case she hears any odd noises. We talked on the drive over, and I pulled into the parking lot about 4 minutes early. At 2:00 she says to me, did you get to the camp yet? Answer was yes, but I parked in a place so that they couldn't see I was just sitting in the car not coming to get them. We then said our goodbyes and said we were looking forward to Saturday. 

To me, that was an acceptable quick chat. Not long enough to start exchanging real information about each other, but plenty long to see that we're going to be able to have a conversation and that neither person sounds strange or "off".  I think the same thing could be accomplished with a quick cup of coffee if managed correctly. 

Do you think you’d have a hard time just ending a call when you’re ready? 

[theredhead77]

23 hours ago, CastleBell said:

But I retroactively noticed that this is the very first time I've ever been out with a man who didn't even offer to pay... $4.25 for lemonade, less than my subway fare there and back. He spent the whole 45 minutes drinking his drink in front of me, too. Of course I could have interrupted the conversation and gotten up to get something, but it still seems quite unusual. 

Having a drink in hand when you arrived prevented the awkwardness of him not offering to buy your drink at the register. I'm like you - I don't think or expect the man should pay but I do notice if there is no offer, or if he sets up the interaction where I end up paying. I'll always offer to pay for myself but if he sets up the counter interaction where he orders and wanders off and then I order I take notice and end up paying for both of us.

[JTMacc99]

4 hours ago, SaySay24 said:

Do you think you’d have a hard time just ending a call when you’re ready? 

No. I’m a 9th level black belt at leaving parties or conversations without being rude about it. 

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

No. I’m a 9th level black belt at leaving parties or conversations without being rude about it. 

Can you bottle that and send me some?

[JTMacc99]

13 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Can you bottle that and send me some?

It's just self confidence that nobody will miss you when you're gone.

[aradia22]

Not a prostitute. At least sex workers get paid to put up with it. In what world does my perfectly normal profile suggest that I want to be propositioned?

[JTMacc99]

On 7/19/2018 at 9:31 AM, JTMacc99 said:

We then said our goodbyes and said we were looking forward to Saturday. 

I guess I should give an update. It's more fun for me to complain when things don't go well than it is to say that not everything is terrible. 

I decided to give this stuff a shot again about 6 weeks ago. I went ahead and paid for Match, since that seemed to be the best tool for me to filter out people who are simply never going to be a good fit. I've met four people in person. The first one was just a big zero. (See rant somewhere above.) Second one was really fun and we got along well, but it fizzled out, and I had no interest in chasing down conversations. Third one was very interesting for a couple reasons including distinctly different life experiences. We went out a second time. Conversation was no so easy second date. I pretty much had to carry it, and texting was short and just about setting up dates.

The fourth one was with the person I talked about above and met last Saturday. Between the texting and phone call, I had a good feeling conversation was going to be easy.  It was. A good three hours until we looked around and noticed all of the chairs were up on tables except the two we were sitting on. I like talking to her. I like looking at her. Plenty more talking and texting since then. We're getting together again this weekend. 

So I guess I can sum it up as, I'm actually having fun right now.

[aradia22]

New first message

Quote

Can we meet now? I drive

[aradia22]

New first message

Quote

Hey. What is your nationality? It kimda doesnt matter because im only asking you because you are really pretty. :)

[CastleBell]

Well, as long as it only "kinda" doesn't matter. 

I get bad first messages, but yours almost make mine look thoughtful. 

[aradia22]

@CastleBell No, no, no. "Kimda." XD

[JTMacc99]

Exactly. It’s happy hour around here 24/7. 

[NutMeg]

This was linked from an article I read this morning:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/07/im-struggling-to-find-love-through-online-dating-mariella-frostrup

[possibilities]

I was curious about why the querent wasn't pursuing any of the men she meets off line who she fancies.

[aradia22]

Most of that article was full of the same vague advice to focus on yourself that most people come to whether it's Ask Polly or Dear Sugar or whatever self-help book is on the market at the moment (except for the gross ones that tell women it's all their faults and they're bad people). I want to read that book Spinster soon though I think it might be a reframed version of the same thing. But yes, a lot of people end up alone. That's one thing you learn working in a doctor's office. 

Quote

You should never force yourself to endure a physical relationship with someone you don’t fancy, but it can take more than one date for people to reveal themselves.

This brings up two interesting points. 1) There is a time limit to early dating because at least for my city and age set, a guy will expect some physical intimacy soon enough. I don't know if this friends thing is going to work for anyone who isn't in an early adolescent relationship (and even then). 2) I think it's important to trust your instincts. Realistically, is there a point I'm ever going to want to be physically intimate with this person? Could I stare at this face for an extended period of time? It's not like I'm throwing out everyone who doesn't have razor-sharp cheekbones and killer abs. But you can't force yourself into attraction and you know fairly soon. I might not feel that instant attraction and chemistry but I can tell if I am at least attracted to someone's appearance pretty soon after meeting him. And because of my marathon dates, I can tell relatively quickly (in 1-3 dates) if things are going to get any better in terms of personality/emotional compatibility. I don't think insta-love or even insta-lust happens for most people but within 3 dates there should be at least some spark. Without that, what are you building on? You could have a gentle companionable friendship with a lot of people. There has to be some reason you pick one person over another as from the fact that you're both available and getting desperate.

[Brookside]

18 hours ago, possibilities said:

I was curious about why the querent wasn't pursuing any of the men she meets off line who she fancies.

You win the prize for my word of the day!

[CastleBell]

The guy I'd been chatting with for a while made made his umpteenth comment about how I'd better not be a man in disguise cat fishing him, and at this point I'm starting to wish I WERE a man in disguise cat fishing him. 

Just started talking to two more, and even though they approached me in the "right" way, demonstrating that they'd actually read my profile (one commenting on my home state, one commenting on books and cooking), I just don't feel any spark or excitement. 

Meanwhile in real life, a plumber came to my condo to install a microwave I'd bought. He started talking about how it was so awful that I lived ALL ALONE in this condo, grabbed my ass, told me I was beautiful, and suggested that traffic was bad so instead of leaving after he'd installed the thing he'd better just stay with me.

I'm considering giving up talking to people on any form for the good of all concerned. 

[JTMacc99]

53 minutes ago, CastleBell said:

I'm considering giving up talking to people on any form for the good of all concerned. 

Yeah, I've been of that mindset several times over the last couple of years. People in general can bring the unpleasantness, dating adds an entirely new level of shit I've opened myself up to experience. 

Having said that, I'm actually doing okay right now. I have an ongoing conversation with somebody I like, and it's on a pace that seems to be working for both of us. 

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, CastleBell said:

The guy I'd been chatting with for a while made made his umpteenth comment about how I'd better not be a man in disguise cat fishing him, and at this point I'm starting to wish I WERE a man in disguise cat fishing him

That level of paranoia would annoy me enough to un-match.

 

2 hours ago, CastleBell said:

Just started talking to two more, and even though they approached me in the "right" way, demonstrating that they'd actually read my profile (one commenting on my home state, one commenting on books and cooking), I just don't feel any spark or excitement. 

You never know what will come of it

 

2 hours ago, CastleBell said:

Meanwhile in real life, a plumber came to my condo to install a microwave I'd bought. He started talking about how it was so awful that I lived ALL ALONE in this condo, grabbed my ass, told me I was beautiful, and suggested that traffic was bad so instead of leaving after he'd installed the thing he'd better just stay with me.

That's assault (and creepy as fuck). I hope you reported him to his parent company and also changed your locks.

[aradia22]

I'm juggling four conversations right now (and some extra stragglers that don't really count). Which means I'm barely responding to four guys and waiting for them to step up and ask me on a real date that isn't "drinks."

[KnoxForPres]

On 8/8/2018 at 9:34 AM, CastleBell said:

The guy I'd been chatting with for a while made made his umpteenth comment about how I'd better not be a man in disguise cat fishing him, and at this point I'm starting to wish I WERE a man in disguise cat fishing him. 

Just started talking to two more, and even though they approached me in the "right" way, demonstrating that they'd actually read my profile (one commenting on my home state, one commenting on books and cooking), I just don't feel any spark or excitement. 

Meanwhile in real life, a plumber came to my condo to install a microwave I'd bought. He started talking about how it was so awful that I lived ALL ALONE in this condo, grabbed my ass, told me I was beautiful, and suggested that traffic was bad so instead of leaving after he'd installed the thing he'd better just stay with me.

I'm considering giving up talking to people on any form for the good of all concerned. 

If this is real report it immediately.

let me edit this lest I get blitzed for not believing. 

I’ve lived alone all my whole adult life and also lived a pretty wild life. My threshold for “wow” is not normal. This is not normal  

That this was told to ius here on a site with no follow up to authorities or mgmt worried me. This is not ok!  Tell someone please!

Edited August 10, 2018 by KnoxForPres

[KnoxForPres]

 I have always lied and acted like I had a live in boyfriend or roommate to maintenance or work people (and I’m packing heat with a dog).

I just think it’s wise (yes it’s ok to lie sometimes) “it’s weird we’ve both been so hot when normally AC worked great”. -stuff like that.

When I was young there was an episode of Webster where he told his comrades mam and Georgie would be away.  Bad kids overheard. Honestly that scared me so much and still drives it for me. 

My PSA.   Back to online dating!

Edited August 11, 2018 by KnoxForPres

[Lantern7]

Went on a date. No spark. She knew it, I knew it. I offered myself as a friend, and she seemed cool with it. While I didn't talk as much as her and I knew the odds of us being a couple were long (which I had an inkling going into the date), I had a good time. Well, as good a time as we could have trying to watch dragon boat racing in heavy rain. I did give her my hand in support as she walked on a fence to avoid mud. I went through it. Never thought I'd have to wear boots. But I didn't go into a massive funk afterward about not finding somebody that could really did me.

Seriously, though, I feel good for going. The bad news is that I don't have any prospects, and I kinda hate getting OKC for e-mailing me candidates every other day. "Wow! More chances to pitch woo into the abyss?!? I am not worthy!!!"

ETA: Today's e-mail gave me profiles of two queer women. I'm not saying I understand the sexual spectrum, but I feel that OKC is misinterpreting what I'd like to see in a woman.

Edited August 12, 2018 by Lantern7

[aradia22]

New first message

Quote

Yo [my name redacted]. Put your book down and brush off the cookie crumbs on your comforter. Talk to me and let's stop wasting time.

This is his entire profile

Quote

Most people that know me would say I'm

I work in fitness.

I'm tempted to respond and see if he's one of those douche personal trainers trolling for new clients through negging. 

[Lantern7]

@aradia22 . . . meanwhile, I'm basically approaching women like I'm writing a cover letter. Am I the weird one? Or boring? The lady I met together has been contemplating bailing on OKC. I made a case for meeting me, adding that I didn't want to be the back-breaking straw for her. We met, it didn't work out, but I'd like to keep in touch in a platonic manner.

Once again, I wish to offer myself up. Minimum, we could talk about OKC and the lack of success, then move on to more interesting topics.

[DeLurker]

@Lantern7 - I think it is good you went on a date!  Even if you had a fairly good idea it was not going to be a happily ever after situation, you still went.

@aradia22 - Fitness?  With that level of finesse and suave, the world of public relations is surely missing out.

[JTMacc99]

So, as mentioned above, I've got a nice thing started with a person I met on Match about three weeks ago. 

I still flip through suggested matches once in a while. It's like an addiction. At this point I rarely reach out to anybody. I do look at the newest members. Even then, if interesting, I give at least a few days to clean up the profile and see enough messages come in from the riff-raff to make my first message seem different. (Thank you other men!)

On Friday evening I saw an interesting looking picture I hadn't seen before, so I clicked on the profile. Stats say things like 5'1, slender, PhD from a school in NYC, divorced, looking for someone my age in my general area.  Two cute pictures of her face, one of Winona Ryder saying that her new haircut looks like that, and one of her dog.  So I read the profile... First is "When you look at my profile on Match, it suggests others like her below my profile. I am NOTHING like them." Heh. I'm now amused.  After that is a little bit about finding something that you love, and doing it. It was phrased much more elegantly than that.  And then at the bottom under the My Favorite Things section is "The Oxford comma. I love it. I use it all the time."

So there was NO WAY I wasn't saying hi to this person. The Oxford comma? Heh.  

Edited August 13, 2018 by JTMacc99

[CastleBell]

New intro message:

Quote

Hello pretty girl I would love to meet you and know each other you looks good person and I tired find bad persons on my live that’s why I have been alone for couple years but I would love to give me a chance to find my soulmate for the rest of my life and have family

[aradia22]

So I maybe have a date Thursday and Saturday. Same guy. We were just going to meet Saturday but we're going to see a show so we're going to try for Thursday first so we can actually talk a bit. You don't know him except as the guy who was a little older (just 5 years). We've been messaging since early June but we've both been busy (I've been applying to a new job and out of the city on and off and he's been taking trips) so this week is our first date. As always, I'll report back. 

[Lantern7]

No new prospects yet. Also, I e-mailed the woman who "dumped" me. I apologized and asked for another chance. And that's all I'm doing. Nothing else. I read a bit of a motivational book, and I'm thinking that most of the time, the answer to "What's the worst that could happen?" might not be that horrifying. She could reject me or not answer. In both cases, I would be willing to move on.

I tweaked my profile again, if anyone wants to give me feedback. As for dating . . . I should probably hold off on self-deprecation, right? It's one of my bigger strengths, and I did write a column in my college newspaper titled "Neurotic by Nature" for two years, but I'm thinking a woman would want confidence.

[AgentRXS]

20 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I tweaked my profile again, if anyone wants to give me feedback. As for dating . . . I should probably hold off on self-deprecation, right? It's one of my bigger strengths, and I did write a column in my college newspaper titled "Neurotic by Nature" for two years, but I'm thinking a woman would want confidence.

Quote

I want to disagree about looks. In my mind, I can't see any woman finding me attractive. I mean, I have low self-esteem, I basically roll my eyes at myself every day, and I still have a lot of stuff to work on . . . and it's not easier since I'm not getting any younger. For me, the window is closing, and the odds of me getting into a "meetcute" situation are remote at best. I post pictures of myself on OKC, but I let my writing do the heavier lifting, because I tend to get flustered talking. If a woman sees inside my brain, I probably have a better shot.

 

 

Not trying to be harsh, but from reading your posts, I think sometimes you tend to overthink everything. Women like confidence, some of us don't mind self-deprecation as long as it doesn't come off like your beating yourself up. The old adage holds true: If you don't love yourself first, how can you expect anyone else to love you?  Learn to accept the things you can't change about yourself at the very least, and work on changing the things you can.

Learn how to enjoy yourself on a date as a isolated experience and don't expect anything to come of it. Take it one date at a time.

And stop racing against the clock! People find love at any age---what's meant for you won't go past you.

Edited August 16, 2018 by AgentRXS

[theredhead77]

To tack on to what @AgentRXS said you also didn't get "dumped". You had one date; that means there wasn't a connection and it didn't work out. Nothing more, nothing less.

I was out of town at a department wide meeting the past few days. My very drunk, married coworkers took my phone and started swiping right on Tinder, wanting to "summons the men to the bar". It was highly amusing.

Edited August 16, 2018 by theredhead77

[KittyMom4]

On 8/16/2018 at 12:26 AM, AgentRXS said:

Not trying to be harsh, but from reading your posts, I think sometimes you tend to overthink everything. Women like confidence, some of us don't mind self-deprecation as long as it doesn't come off like your beating yourself up. The old adage holds true: If you don't love yourself first, how can you expect anyone else to love you? At least come to accept the things you can't change about yourself at the very least, and work on changing the things you can.

Learn how to enjoy yourself on a date as a isolated experience and don't expect anything to come of it. Take it one date at a time.

And stop racing against the clock! People find love at any age---what's meant for you won't go past you.

 

On 8/15/2018 at 11:15 PM, Lantern7 said:

I tweaked my profile again, if anyone wants to give me feedback. As for dating . . . I should probably hold off on self-deprecation, right? It's one of my bigger strengths, and I did write a column in my college newspaper titled "Neurotic by Nature" for two years, but I'm thinking a woman would want confidence.

@Lantern7 what @AgentRXS is saying is spot on, women don't mind self-deprecation, as long as it isn't "woe is me". Please don't assume physical appearances are #1 on most women's minds. When I first saw my now fiance's profile pic it was not love at first sight, but what he wrote profile intrigued me enough to want to get to know him. He presented a positive, upbeat persona with a some chuckle worthy self-depreciation about his physical appearance. Our first meeting (I hate to call them dates) was more of the same, he was not a 10 physically, probably closer to a 6 but you know what? He made me laugh, he paid attention to what I had to say and he was easy to talk to, now I think he's a 20! I had many first meetings prior to him that never made it to a 2nd one, not because I rejected them, but because they were not a match, and the worst ones were the ones who complained, whined and begged for praise. Be yourself, don't go into every meeting as if your life depends on it, think of it more as a meeting instead of a date and relax. And there is no age limit to find love, I will be 51 in September, be patient and don't give up.

Edited August 21, 2018 by GoodieGirl

[JTMacc99]

38 minutes ago, GoodieGirl said:

women don't mind self-depreciation, as long as it isn't "woe is me". Please don't assume physical appearances are #1 on most women's minds.

This is an actual statement made to me by a person I spoke to on a dating site: "Your profile and photos are attractive in their positivity, humor and intelligence. Plus you like pizza."

First of all, that was from Oxford comma girl, and I just noticed she didn't use it when the opportunity presented itself. WTF? I'm going to give her grief for that.  Second, BE POSITIVE. There is self deprecation in my profile, but I'm also overwhelming positive. 

And this doesn't just go for what women are looking for. The second I see a woman's profile start lecturing me on who should swipe left, or what she hates, or anything AT ALL resembling angry/bitter/frustrated/exhausted, I'm gone. I don't care what she looks like and what the rest of her profile says. I mean, I get that the internet is just a free for all of people taking the opportunity to tell other people why they suck or what topics make them super angry, but if that's what you choose to do in your dating profile, what exactly are you hoping to attract?

So that's my two cents on this topic. Use humor, but do it in a positive way. Show your intelligence. Put your best foot forward as if you were creating a job resume. 

Edited August 16, 2018 by JTMacc99

[JTMacc99]

4 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

I was out of town at a department wide meeting the past few days. My very drunk, married coworkers took my phone and started swiping right on Tinder, wanting to "summons the men to the bar". It was highly amusing.

Oh. No. Hee! I let one of my drunk married friends have a look at Tinder a while back. That was indeed funny as hell, but man, he was casting a pretty wide net.

[Moose135]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

The second I see a woman's profile start lecturing me on who should swipe left, or what she hates, or anything AT ALL resembling angry/bitter/frustrated/exhausted, I'm gone.

When I was on OKC, one woman whose profile kept popping up had the user name "He Cheated".  Yeah, no issues there...

[Lantern7]

22 hours ago, AgentRXS said:

Not trying to be harsh, but from reading your posts, I think sometimes you tend to overthink everything. Women like confidence, some of us don't mind self-deprecation as long as it doesn't come off like your beating yourself up. The old adage holds true: If you don't love yourself first, how can you expect anyone else to love you?  Learn to accept the things you can't change about yourself at the very least, and work on changing the things you can.

Learn how to enjoy yourself on a date as a isolated experience and don't expect anything to come of it. Take it one date at a time.

And stop racing against the clock! People find love at any age---what's meant for you won't go past you.

In regard to racing the clock . . . I'm over 40, and there is so much I've yet to do. A lot of it is social stuff most folks take for granted. I was always the platonic friend in school, so I never had any experience. I've had a few relationships, but I don't think they add up to a year. It's not like I hear a clock ticking, but I want to go through trials before I'm too old to enjoy the experience. I hope that doesn't sound weird.

13 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

To tack on to what @AgentRXS said you also didn't get "dumped". You had one date; that means there wasn't a connection and it didn't work out. Nothing more, nothing less.

I said "dumped" in regard to the girl whom I turned off because . . . well . . . I don't date often. Getting rejected with zero or a single date feels like a "dump" for me. I know, not the traditional definition. That's probably something else I should adjust. After the date on Saturday, I actually feel better. Dating isn't THE priority on my mind, but I want to find somebody nice.

Thanks also to @GoodieGirl and @JTMacc99

[theredhead77]

9 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I said "dumped" in regard to the girl whom I turned off because . . . well . . . I don't date often. Getting rejected with zero or a single date feels like a "dump" for me. I know, not the traditional definition. That's probably something else I should must adjust.

Please take the advice everyone is giving you to heart and start rethinking how you are approaching this. It really seems you start building a relationship in your head, before meeting, before discussing meetings so when a woman is not interested in a) meeting up or b) meeting up a second time it feels like something it's not. Women (and men) don't like desperate, clingy, defeatist attitudes. If they do, they are going to be a toxic person who should be avoided. 

19 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

And this doesn't just go for what women are looking for. The second I see a woman's profile start lecturing me on who should swipe left, or what she hates, or anything AT ALL resembling angry/bitter/frustrated/exhausted, I'm gone. I don't care what she looks like and what the rest of her profile says.

I think this is partially avenue specific. My Tinder profile does contain criteria such as 'unattached, no couples, hook-ups'. If that turns someone off they are not the person for me.

Edited August 17, 2018 by theredhead77

[KittyMom4]

19 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

And this doesn't just go for what women are looking for. The second I see a woman's profile start lecturing me on who should swipe left, or what she hates, or anything AT ALL resembling angry/bitter/frustrated/exhausted, I'm gone. I don't care what she looks like and what the rest of her profile says. I mean, I get that the internet is just a free for all of people taking the opportunity to tell other people why they suck or what topics make them super angry, but if that's what you choose to do in your dating profile, what exactly are you hoping to attract?

This x 100. Any man who used more words to describe how much they hated their ex than they did to describe themselves or talk about their interests did not get a 2nd glance.  I get it, you were burned, I think most people have a similar story, but if you are going to keep discussing your ex on your DATING PROFILE, that's too much bitterness for me. You could be the best looking guy on the site, but that kind of grudge-holding makes you ugly.

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

I think this is partially avenue specific. My Tinder profile does contain criteria such as 'unattached, no couples, hook-ups'. If that turns someone off they are not the person for me.

I spent a little time on Tinder and talking to others about their experiences. I think "unattached" is a very reasonable thing to put in your profile. There's no filter to indicate otherwise when you set up your own profile, and that should hopefully prevent you from talking to somebody who turns out to be attached. 

On the other hand, I think you can handle "no couples, no hookups" with a positive statement such as "I'm hoping to find something that could turn into a LTR" or however it makes more sense to say what you want as opposed to what you don't want. That should eliminate the couples. (Although the couples should freaking put it in their own profiles that they are a couple so you don't swipe on them in the first place. Why the fuck wouldn't they indicate that right up front??)

I would take the word "No" out of anything I write about myself and what I'm looking for. 

And like I said, I spent a little time talking to people about Tinder. Does it really make any difference which way a woman says she is not looking for a hook up? That group of men casts a WIDE net, and probably aren't reading what she's saying anyway. So she probably don't stop the unwanted contacts, and by including a list of things that are the equivalent of a bunch of pictures with red circles with lines through them, it presents a person as negative as opposed to optimistic to the good guys. 

Just my two cents. What the hell do I know? I've never had to field endless unsolicited creepy messages and naked photos.

24 minutes ago, GoodieGirl said:

I get it, you were burned, I think most people have a similar story,

I have a friend who described dating in middle age as shopping at a scratch and dent sale. At this point, we've all had shit happen in our lives that left a mark. I like the way you said it, if you're still holding a grudge about the dents you took, you're not the person for me. I put a LOT of work into turning my eyes forward as opposed to backwards. I hope to find similar. 

 

ETA: I don't know @theredhead77, I think you need to do what you need to do, and say what you need to say. We all need to present exactly what we are and what is important to us, otherwise the whole relationship starts off with deception. I'm just in this uncharted territory right now where I've got positive things in motion, so I'm walking around spreading optimism and hope like somebody who doesn't know better.

Edited August 17, 2018 by JTMacc99

[KittyMom4]

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

I have a friend who described dating in middle age as shopping at a scratch and dent sale. At this point, we've all had shit happen in our lives that left a mark. I like the way you said it, if you're still holding a grudge about the dents you took, you're not the person for me. I put a LOT of work into turning my eyes forward as opposed to backwards. I hope to find similar. 

That is a perfect description! I was in a bad relationship for way too long, when I finally unloaded that jerk it took me several months before I was ready to even think about dating. During that time I reflected on what was wrong with that relationship and what I really wanted to give and get from my next relationship. I owned up to my own mistakes and made the conscious decision to not dwell in the past but to look forward and be open to new experiences. I did not discuss my ex or any negativity at any of my 1st meetings since I was there to get to know the person sitting in front of me, not to rehash old wounds, yet most of the men wanted to exactly that, bash the ex. The morning after one of those dates the guy messaged me to ask about a 2nd date, as with every man who would ask, I was honest and said I didn't feel we were a match. He asked specifically why I felt that way, when I replied that he had too much left over aggression from his last relationship, he went into a brutal rant about women and how we are all a bunch of effing bitches who think everything should be rainbows and flowers. Yikes, blocked him and moved on.

[JTMacc99]

4 minutes ago, GoodieGirl said:

I was honest and said I didn't feel we were a match. He asked specifically why I felt that way, when I replied that he had too much left over aggression from his last relationship, he went into a brutal rant about women and how we are all a bunch of effing bitches who think everything should be rainbows and flowers.

It took me a while to realize that THIS is one of the main reasons my well thought out, innocuous, sometimes even funny first messages didn't even get a "Thank you, but I don't think we're a good match."

Because any response at all opens up a dialogue with jerks like that guy.

[AgentRXS]

7 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I have a friend who described dating in middle age as shopping at a scratch and dent sale. At this point, we've all had shit happen in our lives that left a mark

I was going to write something similar to this last night.

 

16 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

Dating isn't THE priority on my mind, but I want to find somebody nice.

You can and will, but you have to take it easy.  Of course, we are just reading from your perspective on here, but the stuff you write throws up dating red flags all over the place and I honestly just want to help you change your outlook on yourself and how you approach women.

I get that you are  anxious to experience stuff. There are things I've never experienced that I hope to experience too. But:

There are a zillion reasons why dates don't work out and a lot of it doesn't even have to do with you. Maybe she thought she was ready to date again but isn't. Maybe you remind her of someone else in her life that she wishes to forget and she can't get past it. And if there is no chemistry between you two, that is NOT YOUR FAULT. Sometimes (more often than not) its just the way it is. But honestly, hitting up a woman who has made it clear that she isn't interested comes across as clingy/desperate which is way unattractive,as noted by @theredhead77.

Again, please don't look at it as an attack, but as someone from the opposite sex trying to offer some friendly advice.     

Edited August 17, 2018 by AgentRXS

[KittyMom4]

16 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

It took me a while to realize that THIS is one of the main reasons my well thought out, innocuous, sometimes even funny first messages didn't even get a "Thank you, but I don't think we're a good match."

Because any response at all opens up a dialogue with jerks like that guy.

Yep! I learned, after having that happen a few times, to just reply "we're not at the same place" or "our interests are too different" and not respond to any follow up questions. I don't like to critique people but thought I should be honest, obviously a few of these men were not in a place where they were open to hearing what they could do differently. 

IMO dating when you're older takes a lot more patience and requires nerves of steel. Getting to know someone who has been through life's ups and downs without judging or comparing them to your own baggage is tough. You have to be honest with yourself about what you want, instead of trying to mold yourself to someone else's ideals you should be who you are, otherwise you're wasting your time as well as the person you're with. 

[possibilities]

It's either fabulous luck or a numbers game. You might meet a hundred folks before hitting it off with someone. But if you're only looking for one, that one is all it takes.

[theredhead77]

Movies and TV shows have done nothing but cause a whole lot of men to think persistence is the key to getting a girl. If I ask enough she'll change her mind. If only she could be my friend, she would see how awesome I am and love me. No means no. Not interested means not interested. Neither of those mean continue to contact the woman and ask for another date, or to hang out as friends. I've mentioned my "glitter" before. Year after year he'd pop up, despite my repeated "not interested, leave me alone". Dealing with that is exhausting.

I have several platonic male friends and the only reason we maintained our friendship for over a decade is because neither of us was ever interested in dating the other. If one person starts with feelings and the other doesn't a friendship isn't going to work and hanging on, hoping the other person develops feelings does nothing but create jealousy, envy and drama.

[aradia22]

Hi guys, so I probably should have written this last night when the date was fresh in my mind but I made cookies instead. And now I'm a little moody because it was too hot and baking efforts did not turn out right. But that's beside the point. Anyway...

I'm not really sure what to say about this guy so I'm going to hold off on the name for now. He's a little taller than me but I'm not sure he's 5'8 because I'm 5'3. But he's very cute. Handsome face, mop of beautiful curly hair. He works in some kind of tech but my brain blanks when I hear that stuff. Apparently he was worked for some finance-y company but found it draining and then he moved on to a different company though it also sounds corporate. But his ultimate goal is to take the bioinformatics skills to pursue cancer research. He seems very casual. He dressed very casually for our date. Which I don't mind because it was just dinner but that isn't so much my type. We talked for about 3 hours and I think it went pretty well. It's just that... Well, I'm not sure if you'd call it a red flag but... I made a joke about the stairs so he referenced George Carlin which got us talking about political correctness which resulted in most of the conversation (aside from the 'what have you been up to,' music/general interests, biographical details, etc.) being dominated by a discussion of feminism and progressive social issues. His opinions are mildly problematic but he seems to be an okay guy. It's just... Oh God, the next time I hear about all the misandrists a man has supposedly met it will be soon. But he was very open to having a conversation and he didn't seem hateful. I don't know if we have a ton in common but we got along pretty well and it might be a situation where a relationship builds through shared experiences vs. shared interests. He did listen to the audiobook of a book I'd suggested a while ago and we are seeing a play tomorrow. He hugged me hello and goodbye but we didn't end the date with a kiss so it didn't feel distinctly romantic. It felt like a date because he was very much like... I want to know who you really are and I'm not looking for a hook up or small talk. He said I'm only the second person he's met through online dating and he was in the relationship before but I'm not sure how long it lasted. He said he had body image issues for a while before losing some weight. I don't know. I feel okay about the date and I do think he's very cute but no flutters yet. 

[Lantern7]

Before I forget . . . if you’re a guy, is a collared shirt the best option on the first date? I like t-shirts, but I usually want to give the impression that I want to make an impression. Or something. ?