Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[ZaldamoWilder]

On 5/20/2017 at 8:44 PM, aradia22 said:

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I'm an ethics-obsessed pedophile (i.e. primarily attracted to children age 12-) 

Several bits of disturbia.  Not the least of which is some mom will eagerly go on a date.   Please pm me his screenname, I'd be happy to go out with him.   My ethical obsession is entrapment.  I'd love to Chris Hansen this dude.

[walnutqueen]

32 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Several bits of disturbia.  Not the least of which is some mom will eagerly go on a date.   Please pm me his screenname, I'd be happy to go out with him.   My ethical obsession is entrapment.  I'd love to Chris Hansen this dude.

Oh, puleeze let me be your backup stealth beyotch (or wing woman).  No cameras necessary - I come fully loaded with a purse ulu, recliner machete, car console hatchet and my leetle secret safe friend, affectionately known as Mr .44 Magnum.  I was a P.I. in my younger years, and entrapment was our game.  I am old and easily angered by lowlife pieces of shit.  ;-)

[aradia22]

Quote

You should message me if

You like length and girth

Open to interracial.

What a prince

[ZaldamoWilder]

"Pity. I think we'dve gotten along swimmingly if it wasn't for my strong gag reflexes."

it's yours if you want it. 

[aradia22]

Quote

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

I know it sounds like this is coming from a place of insecurity but it's really not. I can't think of anything more disingenuous than these wannabe lotharios complimenting my appearance. 

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 5/21/2017 at 10:49 PM, walnutqueen said:

Oh fer fuck's sake, there are fates WORSE than being alone ...

This thread proves my point.

 

I'm not a fan of poetry at all, mainly because it almost never means anything to me, but I do like "Oh Yes" by Charles Bukowski:

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

 

On 5/12/2017 at 9:57 PM, aradia22 said:

Well, at least I saw a show which is why I chose activity dates over "getting coffee" or "walking in a park" which are suggestions that have been floated out way too often lately. A bad date will still be a bad date but I might as well do something I'll enjoy if I have to endure it.

When I did some online dating almost 20 years ago, I had exactly two dates that were for a meal and they weren't fun at all--just too awkward.  And I can talk the bark off a tree. 

I would usually meet someone to skate or to mountainbike, figuring, like you, that I'd at least have some fun.  And it's vastly less stressful than sitting across from someone you don't know trying to make conversation.

Mr. Outlier's and my first date was to play miniature golf.  It was ideal because you're together and you can be talking but there's stuff going on to goose things if necessary, and in this case, you can see if the person is a good sport or not or can take good-natured ribbing.  That really was pretty much an ideal first date.  I think bowling might also work.  Or maybe a baseball game--the slow pace means there's lots of opportunity to talk, but silently watching the game is also okay, and things are going on that can be commented on if it gets awkward.

I don't get going to a movie or play as a first date since all you're doing is sitting next to each other but not interacting.  It doesn't seem to advance the ball at all.  But I like to go places like that by myself anyway.

[aradia22]

I went out with the Sweet Nugget today. Maybe I should give him another name, but I feel like I'm used to that one now. He's my age but still in school because he had some struggles figuring out what he wanted to do too. He freelanced for a while and then went to back to do something completely different. There are still all these issues between us. His mental health. The fact that he plans to be out of the country for a long time in a few months I think. But if I didn't have all of that to think about, it was a great date. I spotted him soon after I got out the subway from across the street. Immediately I was struck by how handsome he is. Actually 6' tall and just... handsome. Nice hair, nice eyes, nice bone structure. I haven't been struck by how attractive a guy is really since Mr. Makeout. I think Sweet Nugget is even more handsome. I crossed to the other side of the street and let him go ahead of me while excitement bubbled up inside of me and I worked to tamp it down. Obviously I met up with him at the tea place shortly after that. (I'm not blinded my his attractiveness. Like, I'm still my weird overly attentive self. He was a little sweaty when we first sat down and he has the tiniest bit of acne. But still... so handsome.) We each got a drink and dessert. And we engaged in small talk but it felt different. I didn't feel like I had to entertain him. I didn't feel like I had moderate my thoughts. I'm always me, but I feel like with different people I play different versions of myself, or play up different aspects of my personality. This was me me. I rambled and lost my train of thought and went off on tangents but I didn't apologize for it or feel like I was getting too excited. I felt like I was being myself and he was totally OK with that. We stayed for less than an hour and then tried to find a real restaurant but just ended up walking towards the park where we sat on a bench and continued talking. The conversation went all over the place. With someone else I would worry that topics were too heavy or I was coming off as too feminist (not that I think I should hide it but I don't want it to seem like it's all consuming thing and I don't have other interests... and maybe there are some remnants of the guy who called me "bitter") but with him, it felt natural. Again, no judgment. He name checked bell hooks for God's sake. And there was one time he said something about esoteric academic writers that is the same conversation I feel like I've had 100 times. Same wavelength. Also, we laughed a lot. Like, natural laughs not polite laughs or pity laughs. I turned my body towards him. He didn't make a move. I felt a little uncertain. Maybe remembering Mr. Makeout. But yeah, it felt intimate but safe. Like, we were connecting but he wasn't going to lunge at me. We continued to talk but I could sense he was tired and I was hungry and so I called it a day early. All in all it was a 2 hour date, which you know is unusual for me. But sitting in a dark park didn't seem like it was going to go anywhere. Our trains were in opposite directions so he decided to say goodbye there. He asked if he could kiss me... so nice. I happily said yes. It was short. I was feeling a little weird... I think maybe I've forgotten how to be on a good date. But it was soft and sweet and NOT WET and he didn't stick his tongue down my throat. And then we said bye. And I was really giddy and excited the whole way home and freaking out until he finally responded to my message on okc giving him my number. And I was honest with him about how much I enjoyed the date and how handsome I thought he was... which I would never do but I feel like I can be open with him and he's not going to think I'm too much. Without all the pre-date conversation baggage, it's the best date I've had in a long time. I could fall for him very easily. The only in person issue was he was still bringing up other girls a lot. One thing really jumped out is that he said he'd narrowed his okc experience mainly down to me and this other girl. And I wanted to scratch her eyes out. Not really but, you know... now I like you. You said you loved me. And I didn't believe you. But did you also tell this other girl you loved her? I don't know. I think we're going to see each other again soon. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I'm still confused about what to think about the early messages. But I really think I like him after this date. If he doesn't text me about his blue balls ;) I could actually date him. 

Edited May 28, 2017 by aradia22

[aradia22]

Quote

You're adorable, I think you'd be the perfect sub for me - message me if interested.

NOPE. And not even the slightest bit attractive. 

[Lantern7]

I met somebody on OKC. Going to see her on Monday. Hoping for the best, though I admit that the second date is usually rare for me.

[Bastet]

40 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I went out with the Sweet Nugget today.

I think you are ignoring HUGE red flags out of some admirable desire not to be judgmental of a serious mental health issue because of your own psychological concerns.  And I truly hope it doesn't end badly for you, that the worst thing that happens is you realize he's unhinged and while you should wish him the best in getting help for that you should not be any part of his life, but I'm concerned for you.  This guy has shown a dozen things that scream "Run Away!" yet you're going out with him, and brushing off the numerous warnings objective parties have given you with basically the standard, "But you don't understand how it is when it's just the two of us" that precede all manner of fuckery.

I'm also disturbed that it may be part of a pattern.  Mr. Makeout not only wanted but pushed physical interaction to a point that one of your close friends was deeply concerned about it, but you - despite apparently having a "no sex on the horizon" policy - went along, despite the physical being the only connection and you having no intention of following that to its logical conclusion.  (Not that you owe anyone that, of course, but when a guy pushes that hard towards something in which you're not interested, why carry on rather than calling it off?)  

Again, I merely skim through this topic, but I've picked up enough to think there's very little that's healthy about your intense quest for dating partners, and think you'd be better off working on some other, more important aspects of your young life at this point.  Dismiss this as you will, and for your sake I hope I'm wrong, but, straight talk is: I think you're making foolish choices and, with this guy, making some potentially dangerous ones.

[DeLurker]

15 hours ago, aradia22 said:

But I really think I like him after this date. If he doesn't text me about his blue balls ;) I could actually date him. 

My two cents (adjusted for inflation so I probably owe you money)?  Just take things slow - outside of being pretty, figure out what about his style and personality you find attractive.  What is it about him that makes you feel more comfortable than the other guys you've dated?  Maybe these are some of the characteristics you need to look for in general.

From what you've posted about him, there are some red flags and you've identified them early.  Don't overlook them in your dealings with him and tell them there are some things in his prior messages to you that give you genuine pause.  Not saying they should all be nailed down right away, but nor should they be ignored.  And since he is seeing a therapist, he seems to have the mindset and support system to address things. 

To be fair, my most significant relationship was with a person who had the mindset of I'm fine, damn it!  It is you (and the rest of the world) that are fucked up! so I may not be the soundest of advisors.

[aradia22]

I mean, in the most generic of senses I feel like I got what I asked for. Smart, funny, handsome, kind, similar values to mine, and I don't mind kissing him. Of course I haven't forgotten about the early messages. And there are little things that still bother me... like talking about other girls... which is also confusing because he's told me thing about having trouble getting from conversations to dates on okc. So which is it? I'm still me, guys. Just because he's pretty... I'm still dissecting the conversation for the lie. I still have the presence of mind to do that. There are little things. I feel like he genuinely listens to me when I talk and responds to what I say. He doesn't push physical contact but he doesn't seem closed off. Like, he didn't really make eye contact when we were walking but other than that, his expression and his body language is open. And I like that he asked to kiss me. Trust and feeling safe is really important to me so I can let down my guard. I'm not crazy. I'm not saying I'm there yet. But I could get there. 

I won't discount the fact that a lot of this is me. I don't think you have to hide away and not date anyone because you're not perfect yet. Perfect could be a long time coming. But yeah, because he knows the bad stuff and he's not judgmental, and not in the patronizing way or the vague 'oh, you'll get through this' way, I'm behaving differently. I'm more open. I'm more honest. I'm more comfortable. I'm less apologetic. I don't make excuses or brush aside things or censor myself. I'm me except still within the bounds of normal... like I'm not demanding that he see me exclusively because I'm jealous or that he text me because I'm feeling needy. But other than that, I'm not playing coy. I told him I really liked him. 

[JTMacc99]

2 hours ago, DeLurker said:

From what you've posted about him, there are some red flags and you've identified them early.  Don't overlook them in your dealings with him and tell them there are some things in his prior messages to you that give you genuine pause.

You know DeLurker, we've talked quite a bit about my running towards red flags, so I'd like to second your advice here. 

I developed such a nice relationship with my red flags girl, so comfortable and easy right from the start. And good lord, when her issues flared up, it was horrible.

I get it. It's not like  I meant to be all ???=?  I even read up on her particular set of issues and thought "I've got this."  Nope. I had nothing. Still upsets me from time to time.

So you know @aradia22, please be careful with your emotions. When people we care about have emotional or mental issues that surface, they can't be trusted to take our feelings into account. And it can suck. A lot. 

Edited May 28, 2017 by JTMacc99

[walnutqueen]

14 hours ago, Bastet said:

I think you are ignoring HUGE red flags out of some admirable desire not to be judgmental of a serious mental health issue because of your own psychological concerns.  And I truly hope it doesn't end badly for you, that the worst thing that happens is you realize he's unhinged and while you should wish him the best in getting help for that you should not be any part of his life, but I'm concerned for you.  This guy has shown a dozen things that scream "Run Away!" yet you're going out with him, and brushing off the numerous warnings objective parties have given you with basically the standard, "But you don't understand how it is when it's just the two of us" that precede all manner of fuckery.

I'm also disturbed that it may be part of a pattern.  Mr. Makeout not only wanted but pushed physical interaction to a point that one of your close friends was deeply concerned about it, but you - despite apparently having a "no sex on the horizon" policy - went along, despite the physical being the only connection and you having no intention of following that to its logical conclusion.  (Not that you owe anyone that, of course, but when a guy pushes that hard towards something in which you're not interested, why carry on rather than calling it off?)  

Again, I merely skim through this topic, but I've picked up enough to think there's very little that's healthy about your intense quest for dating partners, and think you'd be better off working on some other, more important aspects of your young life at this point.  Dismiss this as you will, and for your sake I hope I'm wrong, but, straight talk is: I think you're making foolish choices and, with this guy, making some potentially dangerous ones.

I agree with everything Bastet said.  You need some straight talk.  Perhaps a therapist could help you work through your issues, since I doubt anyone here can dissuade you from the path you seem determined to take.

[theredhead77]

16 hours ago, Bastet said:

I think you are ignoring HUGE red flags out of some admirable desire not to be judgmental of a serious mental health issue because of your own psychological concerns.  And I truly hope it doesn't end badly for you, that the worst thing that happens is you realize he's unhinged and while you should wish him the best in getting help for that you should not be any part of his life, but I'm concerned for you.  This guy has shown a dozen things that scream "Run Away!" yet you're going out with him, and brushing off the numerous warnings objective parties have given you with basically the standard, "But you don't understand how it is when it's just the two of us" that precede all manner of fuckery.

I'm also disturbed that it may be part of a pattern.  Mr. Makeout not only wanted but pushed physical interaction to a point that one of your close friends was deeply concerned about it, but you - despite apparently having a "no sex on the horizon" policy - went along, despite the physical being the only connection and you having no intention of following that to its logical conclusion.  (Not that you owe anyone that, of course, but when a guy pushes that hard towards something in which you're not interested, why carry on rather than calling it off?)  

Again, I merely skim through this topic, but I've picked up enough to think there's very little that's healthy about your intense quest for dating partners, and think you'd be better off working on some other, more important aspects of your young life at this point.  Dismiss this as you will, and for your sake I hope I'm wrong, but, straight talk is: I think you're making foolish choices and, with this guy, making some potentially dangerous ones.

 

1 hour ago, walnutqueen said:

I agree with everything Bastet said.  You need some straight talk.  Perhaps a therapist could help you work through your issues, since I doubt anyone here can dissuade you from the path you seem determined to take.

I agree with @walnutqueen and @Bastet so, so much. We're obviously not going to dissuade you from perusing "sweet nugget" despite the numerous red-flags off the bat. Please, please consider talking with a therapist or at the very least, your friends.

This guy is not a "sweet nugget". He is already exhibiting "danger, danger" all over his messages. I hope it doesn't end poorly but I doubt you'll get much sympathy if you end up in an insane, intense, dramatic situation you can't find your way out of. Not when these red flags are neon glowing LED backlit red.

[Lantern7]

Well, I'm an idiot.

Got up. Did my stuff. Got to the city. Killed time. And with about 5-7 minutes before the appointed hour, only then did I think to check my phone. Of course, she was feeling under the weather.

My big concern is that I might never see her. She tries to hail a cab, it runs over her foot, she meets a handsome nurse with fewer neuroses than me, and the rest writes itself. This happened to me a few times in the distant past. I just feel unlucky in general, including this area.

[aradia22]

Sorry, @Lantern7. How much advance notice did she give you? 

I know it's difficult sometimes but I would try to not overthink it and do something else to distract yourself from the worry and the spiraling.

[Lantern7]

*sigh* Had I checked the phone before I got off the local rail, I would've saved $2.75 and taken it back to where I park. Wound up spending on a couple of figures and lunch at Dairy Queen with a Blizzard. There are only two on Staten Island, and that one might be the only one in Manhattan. I had to walk to get there, so I surpassed 5,000 steps, which wouldn't have happened if things had gone according to plan.

[BookWoman56]

On 5/20/2017 at 7:44 PM, aradia22 said:

  Quote

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I'm an ethics-obsessed pedophile (i.e. primarily attracted to children age 12-) 

I'm still trying to parse this. Does he mean that he's attracted to children but is ethics-obsessed in the sense of not acting on it? Or am I missing something here? I don't have any major issues with someone who feels an attraction that the law would deem inappropriate, as long as the person doesn't act on it. That is, nobody can control to whom or what they are attracted; they can only control whether they act on that attraction.  I don't feel in any way that someone simply feeling an attraction, without acting on it, means that person should be locked up. To use a somewhat different example, I am occasionally attracted to the idea of being able to push a button and have certain politicians vaporize. I'm not, however, acting on that attraction and have no intention of ever acting on it. Does that mean people should alert the police that I am a potential murderer/assassin? OTOH, if he's saying that he is a pedophile who in fact has sex with children 12 and under, then what is the basis for the claim of being ethics-obsessed? 

On the concept of continuing to see someone even when there are numerous red flags, I did that when I was in a somewhat self-destructive mode. I got involved with someone who had previously had some substance abuse problems but who was clean at the time we got involved. I ignored that and a couple of other red flags, but less than a year into the relationship he started down the substance abuse road again.  It ended up being what I would categorize as a Tier 3 bad relationship.

• Tier 1 bad relationship = you or the other person are in the relationship because of who/what one of you represents rather than because of attraction to the individual. Example: You get involved with someone because, whether consciously or subconsciously, he/she represents rebelling against your parents, attaining a certain socioeconomic status, etc., and it takes entirely too long to figure out that being involved with a symbol is much less satisfying than being involved with an individual.
• Tier 2 bad relationship = there is a betrayal that you or the other person just cannot get past.  Example: you are in a monogamous relationship and the other person cheats on you with your BFF or sibling; alternatively, you are in an open relationship but have stipulated that one person in the entire universe is off limits, yet your partner hooks up with that one off-limits person.
• Tier 3 bad relationship = this is the relationship during which your friends will take you aside on a regular basis and ask you if you are okay, because you've lost 10-15 pounds  you didn't need to lose and look like hell. It's the relationship equivalent of a roller coaster, specifically the roller coaster from Final Destination 3. It's the relationship that will make your 5-years-older self wish for a time machine, so you can go back in time and kick your earlier self in the ass, and ask, "WTF were you thinking? Were you on drugs? How did you not see the 15 big red flags that should have motivated you to run the hell away as fast as possible?"

Having gone down that road myself, I understand sometimes you have to experience something yourself to know whether it works for you or not, but at the same time, take precautions. For relationships where I haven't gotten to know the person well yet, I try to rely on the advice my mother got, back when she was taking driving lessons; her instructor told her to drive as if every other driver on the road was a complete nut job who would make crazy choices. 

[walnutqueen]

8 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

I'm still trying to parse this. Does he mean that he's attracted to children but is ethics-obsessed in the sense of not acting on it? Or am I missing something here? I don't have any major issues with someone who feels an attraction that the law would deem inappropriate, as long as the person doesn't act on it. That is, nobody can control to whom or what they are attracted; they can only control whether they act on that attraction.  I don't feel in any way that someone simply feeling an attraction, without acting on it, means that person should be locked up. To use a somewhat different example, I am occasionally attracted to the idea of being able to push a button and have certain politicians vaporize. I'm not, however, acting on that attraction and have no intention of ever acting on it. Does that mean people should alert the police that I am a potential murderer/assassin? OTOH, if he's saying that he is a pedophile who in fact has sex with children 12 and under, then what is the basis for the claim of being ethics-obsessed? 

On the concept of continuing to see someone even when there are numerous red flags, I did that when I was in a somewhat self-destructive mode. I got involved with someone who had previously had some substance abuse problems but who was clean at the time we got involved. I ignored that and a couple of other red flags, but less than a year into the relationship he started down the substance abuse road again.  It ended up being what I would categorize as a Tier 3 bad relationship.

• Tier 1 bad relationship = you or the other person are in the relationship because of who/what one of you represents rather than because of attraction to the individual. Example: You get involved with someone because, whether consciously or subconsciously, he/she represents rebelling against your parents, attaining a certain socioeconomic status, etc., and it takes entirely too long to figure out that being involved with a symbol is much less satisfying than being involved with an individual.
• Tier 2 bad relationship = there is a betrayal that you or the other person just cannot get past.  Example: you are in a monogamous relationship and the other person cheats on you with your BFF or sibling; alternatively, you are in an open relationship but have stipulated that one person in the entire universe is off limits, yet your partner hooks up with that one off-limits person.
• Tier 3 bad relationship = this is the relationship during which your friends will take you aside on a regular basis and ask you if you are okay, because you've lost 10-15 pounds  you didn't need to lose and look like hell. It's the relationship equivalent of a roller coaster, specifically the roller coaster from Final Destination 3. It's the relationship that will make your 5-years-older self wish for a time machine, so you can go back in time and kick your earlier self in the ass, and ask, "WTF were you thinking? Were you on drugs? How did you not see the 15 big red flags that should have motivated you to run the hell away as fast as possible?"

Having gone down that road myself, I understand sometimes you have to experience something yourself to know whether it works for you or not, but at the same time, take precautions. For relationships where I haven't gotten to know the person well yet, I try to rely on the advice my mother got, back when she was taking driving lessons; her instructor told her to drive as if every other driver on the road was a complete nut job who would make crazy choices. 

Tier 4 relationship : You seriously consider murder as a preemptive strike, because your days on this earth are numbered in single digits, and no one can save you.

[DeLurker]

On 5/28/2017 at 2:40 PM, theredhead77 said:

I hope it doesn't end poorly but I doubt you'll get much sympathy if you end up in an insane, intense, dramatic situation you can't find your way out of. Not when these red flags are neon glowing LED backlit red.

I truly don't mean to be contentious and I know this only speaks for me, but in my experience this is not true.  I was in a marriage that could be described in those very words and everyone around me could see the neon glowing red lights from the start but me.  It took a long time for me to pull myself out of that situation but I had a lot of support along the way.  And when I first started to really grapple it, I found a really understanding and supportive community online that I will forever be grateful for.  Many of my friends had turned away because they just could not stand by and watch me go forward in this toxic relationship and I completely understand.  My family did stand with me - even when they wanted to kill him or lock me away.

The path eventually involved the police and legal system, doctors, therapists...and I also had very positive and supportive interactions from all of them.  That is not always the case. 

No one wanted to see me get involved with someone so damaging, but no one was relishing the chance to say "I told you so". 

[theredhead77]

56 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

No one wanted to see me get involved with someone so damaging, but no one was relishing the chance to say "I told you so". 

I'm not hoping I get to say "I told you so" nor would I. In my experience, online reaction vs IRL reaction to a continued cautioned bad situation is completely different. Online you never know what is real and what is attention seeking and IRL you can see / hear the person and you know more than just a persona.

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

I'm not hoping I get to say "I told you so" nor would I.

Understood.  Thank you for clarifying.  This is a topic that I know I am super sensitive about too, so that's on me.

[StatisticalOutlier]

15 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

I'm still trying to parse this. Does he mean that he's attracted to children but is ethics-obsessed in the sense of not acting on it? Or am I missing something here? I don't have any major issues with someone who feels an attraction that the law would deem inappropriate, as long as the person doesn't act on it. That is, nobody can control to whom or what they are attracted; they can only control whether they act on that attraction.  I don't feel in any way that someone simply feeling an attraction, without acting on it, means that person should be locked up.

I agree.  My problem is that this person included this in an online dating profile. 

Should he be ashamed?  Hell, I don't know--I'm very confused by the anti-shame movement.  But if it were me, I certainly wouldn't broadcast it like that, although I do think it's something that should be divulged to a potential romantic partner at an appropriate time.

[ratgirlagogo]

4 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

My problem is that this person included this in an online dating profile. 

This was my thought also.  Seems a damned odd thing to lead with, at best, since I'd imagine most people would have exactly the reaction that most had here, i.e.,  call the cops.  It would make more sense if they are trying to entrap pedophiles.

[BookWoman56]

It's a little difficult for me to understand the motivation behind declaring on a dating site that you are attracted to children. Maybe the person is someone who just gets off on getting shocked reactions from people. Maybe it's a genuine attempt to say, this is the most objectionable thing about me, and if you can't deal with my attraction to kids, even if I'm not acting on that attraction, then let's not even get started in a relationship. If it is someone trying to entrap pedophiles, then that's one of the clumsiest attempts ever; if I were a practicing pedophile and saw that statement, I'd immediately assume it was an attempt at entrapment and respond with fake outrage or just ignore that profile entirely to be safe. I guess there are people stupid enough to reply and state that they also are pedophiles and see nothing wrong with having sex with children. My best guess is that it's someone who figures that making a provocative statement will prompt people to reply, and he can then argue with them about it. 

[ZaldamoWilder]

If I understand it properly, it's not in his general profile.  It's in a private message he sent to her.   Which, if legitimate, kind of indicates that he's not trying to entrap.  And then there's the quibble admitted interest or attraction, disturbing as it is, is one standard.  But this guy refers to himself as a pedophile.    For my money, either he is a pedophile or disrespectful of appropriate bounds of conversation.  

Louis C.K. had a joke about pedophilia in one of the monologues he did on an SNL not too long ago and, in context, from a stand up comedian, the reception was a 50-50 split between that's hilarious and you're over the line.   

Not to sound all Zaldamo of Arc but it'd kind of be worth the trouble to me to find out if we were wrong.

[aradia22]

Quote

If I understand it properly, it's not in his general profile.  It's in a private message he sent to her. 

No, "most private thing you're willing to admit" is one of the profile questions you can choose to fill out on okc. Other ones ask what you're doing with your life and what your favorite books, movies, etc. are. My understanding is it's an older one that isn't an option in newer profiles. 

[JTMacc99]

I just set up a profile, and it is not there, but I do see it for others. Nobody gives a real answer that that question, so it makes sense to take it out. 

Speaking of OKC, I'm not a super big fan of it for me right now, but I'm trying to explore some new options, and it at least puts me in some sort of control. I don't like that I'll show up in front of coworkers, and that they'll get to read real things about me. At least with the swiping apps all I do is throw a couple pictures up, a couple facts about me and a wise crack. Who cares if Deb in accounting sees that and tells Tim in A/P about it. Because of my desire to be at least a little be private, OKC puts me in the odd position of not being able to put my best foot forward in my profile. But it also lets me put enough down to get started, and then to really be myself with any contacts I attempt to make.

Edited June 1, 2017 by JTMacc99

[theredhead77]

14 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I just set up a profile, and it is not there, but I do see it for others.

It's been gone for so long if someone has it they have an ancient profile they haven't updated. Once you remove text from that field it will disappear.

[aradia22]

So... I think things are over with Sweet Nugget. I'll tell you if anything changes but I sensed a finality to our text exchange this morning. Long story short, we were supposed to meet Wednesday but we didn't have set plans so I cancelled and went out with a friend. Then we were supposed to meet and spend most of the day together today but he texted last night that he was in a bad place and I noticed he deleted his okc profile. Today it seems more serious. He's cut himself off from social media (facebook, instagram) and said something about being overwhelmed and explained he doesn't feel like he's in the right place to date because of his current mental/emotional state. No fireworks. So off I go again to find a boy who I like enough that I want him to put his mouth on mine and fingers crossed he's not terrible at it. I'm a little disappointed but that's really it. We only went on one date. It's not an emotional setback for me. I got the push I needed and it was a good first date. Even though he has a lot of baggage outside of that, it was nice to know I can have those again. And it was nice to be able to be completely honest though I don't foresee doing that to that extent anytime soon with anyone else because that's just not how people usually conduct relationships. But that was nice while it lasted. Anyway, it's not like I wasn't looking forward to this date... mostly to making out with him, but in general I'm kind of relieved to be over the drama with other girls and the anxiety over when he'd text me. It was a little too much hot and cold. I'll put him out of my mind in a few days and let go of all that. 

I have a date tomorrow with someone new. We'll see how that goes. We've been having fun online conversations (though I'm not sure if the chemistry is totally there) and we're doing some kind of scavenger hunt. 

Edited June 2, 2017 by aradia22

[aradia22]

I don't know how he showed up in my search results since he lists himself as Queer (but okc is weird sometimes) but I thought this answer was too good to not share. Sometimes I wish I could answer questions with this much reckless abandon.

Quote

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I drink a lot of Diet Coke but not like a lot a lot

I am not open-minded about neckbeards

I cry almost every day

[possibilities]

I hate the idea that being honest is a detriment to a relationship. It may be true that many people prefer to live behind a facade, but I decided long ago that it wasn't for me. I hope that if you prefer honesty, you find someone(s) who shares that value and is up for the task.

[JTMacc99]

7 hours ago, possibilities said:

I hate the idea that being honest is a detriment to a relationship. It may be true that many people prefer to live behind a facade, but I decided long ago that it wasn't for me. I hope that if you prefer honesty, you find someone(s) who shares that value and is up for the task.

One lady who wrote up a very intriguing profile had this as a paragraph all by itself in the section of what she is looking for:

"Honest, even if it is to your own detriment."

I can do that. 

[aradia22]

Went out with a new guy today. I can't think of a good name and I don't want to always fall back on their jobs. I guess I'll call him Mr. White T-Shirt for now. We had a long conversation. Sent about 100 messages between us. Part of that was just that we had a set time for this date so we had to wait for it. You see, we went on a scavenger hunt in a big public park (not Central Park). I'm cutting this story short because I feel like the heat is catching up to me. He said he wanted spontaneity so I decided to get out of my comfort zone. I spent most of the date in a graphic T, jeans, sneakers, and a baseball cap for God's sake. And it was a lot of fun. BUT... I feel like we connected more online and even then I was sensing that maybe we weren't completely sparking. But there was a bit of banter I found encouraging. Then in person I feel like it was dampened but there was still potential (I think he's relatively attractive if not as cute as some of the others) but I think things were really nonspecific. We didn't seem to be having the same kind of conversation as the one we had online and then once we got paired with the other 3 people in our group, the trouble started. I mean, it was still a lot of fun. But the energy changed. We separated from them at one point but then went on to have our lunch with them as well. And I really enjoyed hanging out with them and I think he did too. But... being really honest here, I was finding myself more attracted to the guy in the group. And as far as sparking with someone, I'm not a lesbian, but I had the strongest connection to one of the other girls. We're both talkative with strong personalities and we have similar interests. It felt natural to fall in with her energy though I still made an effort to talk to my date. I think the combination of the two of them was either bringing out my lack of interest in Mr. White T-Shirt or it was causing him to withdraw. Though he did later say things like that he prefers listening and he enjoyed being with the group. In which case, if that's his personality, I don't think we're that compatible. There were other little things he said that made we wonder about our compatibility. He seems like a simple guy. And not outright misogynistic but... hrm. He expressed a willingness to go along with me to things but I don't know if he was that enthusiastic. I'm not really a chill at home person. Maybe by myself and eventually in a longterm relationship but not immediately. I want to go out. I want to do things. I want to talk to people and have interesting conversations. I like dressing up. I like being a little fancy. I have interests that people associate with being "cultured" though I still just think of them as popular entertainment. I like intense intellectual conversations. 

I definitely want to see him again and feel things out when we're just one on one. It's also that... some guys are conversationalists and some aren't. And some are going to share my interests and some aren't. And I need to figure out where that balance is. I don't need a guy to basically be a male version of me but I want someone that I connect with enough that I don't feel like I could have that low level of pleasant interaction with a hundred other people. 

[possibilities]

You seem very extroverted, aradia. I'm an introvert, but even most extroverts I know can take some time to connect, so I'm glad you're giving him another chance. A lot of people are nervous on a first date and that also impacts how they come across. Try to pick a one-on-one activity, so it's not so full of distractions and see if that makes a difference.

[JTMacc99]

I've found that there is a distinct difference between how interactions that started with an online dating connection progress depending on where in your life you are.

The younger people, the ones who still haven't started families, seem to be able to focus in very quickly and get right to the part where a date is scheduled. It's a key part of what they're up to these days, so it gets priority.

For those of us who have lived another 20 years, are mid-career, have kids who are involved in sports and other activities, and are looking at bringing a person into our lives who is a value-add as opposed to a must have, it's just another thing on our plate.

So when you make a connection, it seems to play out very slowly. You exchange phone numbers, send a couple of texts over a couple days, make plans to chat on the phone, call the next day and get voice mail, sit around for a day hoping to get a call back. Heh. It's like it's all in slow motion. Which by the way doesn't play well when somewhere in the back of your head is some real enthusiasm for it when you have a minute to think about it. 

[JTMacc99]

3 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

I was actually worse on the next two dates, because I realized I actually liked him.

That happened to me as well. When I walked into a second date, I was weirdly nervous. She noticed immediately, which was actually very helpful. It's nice to spend time with somebody who is in tune with you. It didn't last very long, but still, I thought it was odd.

[ennui]

11 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

There are far worse fates than being alone

There is also a profound difference between solitude and loneliness.  Solitude can be addicting, once you see how peaceful it is.

[aradia22]

Quote

Not just on the first date. When I tried online dating earlier this year, I was actually worse on the next two dates, because I realized I actually liked him. But in the end, everything is about the comfort zone. If you two are not able to create a space where you both feel comfortable with each other after a couple of meetings, then it's probably not meant to be?

Thank you. I feel like there's so much truth in this. It's irrational to expect to fall in love with a stranger immediately. But being comfortable with each other is something you can build on. For me, if those niggling doubts can't be resolved, it's not going to get better over time. 

[JTMacc99]

On 6/3/2017 at 8:55 AM, JTMacc99 said:

"Honest, even if it is to your own detriment."

I can do that. 

Follow up to what I said here: Not only can I do that. I need to remind myself that I require it back.

Trust needs to work both ways. I demand trust in me from a person because I know I will earn it. I should probably remember that not everybody is like me.

[possibilities]

The age theory explains why I find it so inexplicable when someone wants to meet immediately. I don't want to drag things out, but I just am slower to get anything done these days.

I also think it's more than youth vs middle age (or older). There's a generational component. Things in general move faster now than they used to. Not just with dating, but with everything. I come from the era when there was no email, no instant messaging, no answering machines or voice mail or cell phones. No faxes or FedEx. If you wanted to talk with someone, you kept calling until they answered. They weren't home? It rang and rang. They were talking to someone else? You got a busy signal. You also wrote letters and sent them via snail mail and if you got a reply in a week's time, that was fast. Documents took time in transit.

I've sped up in a lot of ways, adjusting to all of this (I love instant gratification as much as the next person), but I think people who have never experienced any of it at all just have a different concept of pacing generally.

[aradia22]

I do think a lot of younger people in particular are dating multiple people so if you don't pounce quickly, that person could be off on a date with someone else. But a lot of people also have weird hangups about they won't waste their time on someone who isn't interested... instead of allowing for the fact that people genuinely have other things going on in their lives. I do think the possibility of instant contact has also created new anxieties. Now you can't even blame a letter getting lost or shoot desperate or dirty looks at the postman when he comes. If someone isn't texting you back and it's not during work hours you can totally spin out on why they aren't doing so. And we're at the point when you just have to deal with that because something that wouldn't have seemed crazy a few decades ago, going to see them in person... would probably brand you a stalker now. 

Speaking for myself as the romantic sort, I just want to get through the dating part (enjoying myself as much as possible, of course) so I can get the point where I slow down and have a normal relationship. I would much rather be with one person I care about and relax than juggle all these nonsense interactions so I can find someone genuine that I'm compatible with and attracted to so I can finally be wholly myself. 

[walnutqueen]

27 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Speaking for myself as the romantic sort, I just want to get through the dating part (enjoying myself as much as possible, of course) so I can get the point where I slow down and have a normal relationship. I would much rather be with one person I care about and relax than juggle all these nonsense interactions so I can find someone genuine that I'm compatible with and attracted to so I can finally be wholly myself. 

"Normal" relationship?  From the outside looking in, I guess.  Your best bet is to slow down, relax and be "wholly yourself" now, without a relationship skewing your perception of who you are.   Genuine relationships will, or won't ensue.  You could very well meet the right person at the wrong time, the wrong person at the right time; go through many, or few, or none, or only one partner in life.  Whatever the future holds for you is unknown, but you'd better learn to know yourself and like yourself first and foremost.  The longest relationship you'll ever have in life is with yourself.  All the rest will follow, and is probably out of your control.

I know what it's like being young and longing for love.  That never changes, no matter how much the world around us does.  When I was young (right around the time the printing press was invented, apparently), I used to read the Lonely Hearts section in the Classified Ads ... in the NEWSPAPER.  We also dialed an unauthorized phone # that allowed teens to hook up against a dialtone background noise.  Long before my time, people were falling in & out of love & lust, and somehow finding each other, often without marriages arranged by their elders.

Love is sometimes like looking for your lost keys - unexpectedly turning up in the last place you look.  :-)

Carry on, my young braveheart, and do not despair.

[aradia22]

Quote

"Normal" relationship?  From the outside looking in, I guess.  Your best bet is to slow down, relax and be "wholly yourself" now, without a relationship skewing your perception of who you are. 

To clarify, I mean a longterm, monogamous relationship. Not all this online messaging and then sporadic dating hoping to stumble across the right person. Also, no one is ever wholly themselves at first because 1) there are certain ways you're supposed to conduct yourself in polite society and 2) there are certain things you hold back until you know you can trust a stranger. For the first part, I don't see it as being dishonest. It's not about playing games and waiting a certain number of days to text. I don't believe in that. But you still have to act like a normal human. You can't let yourself be led by every jealous, narcissistic, etc. impulse or say anything that pops into your head because that would be insane to do with anyone, let alone someone you're trying to impress and make a good first impression on. For the second part, there's a level of comfort you need to get to in order to let your guard down with a stranger. That concerns any number of things from painful pasts to secret ambitions to personal safety and physical intimacy. Again, I happen to think it's smart to hold things back until you know you can trust someone and you feel comfortable with them. It's offputting when someone hasn't earned that trust and wants to skip all those steps to either physical or emotional intimacy. No judgment for someone who can have sex with a stranger but I can't. There are so many levels of trust that need to happen for that. That's what I mean by being wholly myself. I am myself on dates. But it's like an iceberg. There's 90% of me that'll take years to fully appreciate. Or something like that. 

[aradia22]

Well, that's it then. Sweet Nugget has a girlfriend. I haven't been keeping track but I think we're closing in on the 10th time this has happened. Sigh... It's not like I wanted to be with any of these guys anyway but God, does it make it difficult to make a connection with anyone when they're already 5 steps ahead in their relationship with someone else. 

[aradia22]

I feel like a lot of people I went to high school with didn't really scatter that far for college or came back afterwards. Long story short, a while back, early into being okc I found a guy I went to high school. I had a crush on him them. Immediately hid his profile to avoid the temptation. A couple months back I found a guy that may or may not have been someone I went to school with. It just looked vaguely like him but I couldn't say so that doesn't count. Tonight I got a "like" from a third guy and I liked him back. I mean, I'm fully aware that some guys just swipe haphazardly on okc so I'm not reading much into it. But I'm pretty damn sure I went to high school with him. He was a year or two older than me. Very handsome and way out of my league. Lots of mutual likes don't go anywhere. I'm not sure if I should say anything. I probably won't.

[DeLurker]

9 hours ago, aradia22 said:

He was a year or two older than me. Very handsome and way out of my league. Lots of mutual likes don't go anywhere.

Out of your league in high school has little relevance once you are a few years out of it.  I'm confused by the mutual likes statement - can you EILIF?

[aradia22]

We're almost 10 years out of high school. okc now has something like Tinder because every app now has a function like Tinder swiping. You swipe right to "like" someone. If two people swipe right on each other, you're matched regardless of your percentage compatibility or any of that stuff. And my understanding is that even if you haven't paid for the full site, you'll each get a message saying that you matched and you can go from there. 

[aradia22]

I saw Mr. White T-Shirt again. I'm very conflicted and too tired for a full date recap right now. But to boil it down... we've been exchanging messages since date 1 and I was really thinking that it wasn't going to work out. We stopped short of outright arguing but we didn't seem to be on the same page. But then we met an hour this morning (to pick up tickets, yes, I got to see another show). And it was very pleasant, though I did most of the talking. He kissed me goodbye on the cheek and it was wet. And then we saw the show at night and even if we didn't have the most exciting conversation, it was still very pleasant. I feel like he laughed more genuinely at what I said and I was fake laughing more than genuinely laughing. And then he kissed me goodbye and it was real wet. But it was also a bit awkward so not all hope is lost. 

I don't know. I don't see a future. I could totally go out with him on probably one to four more dates before I started finding him annoying. Because I do think the things that came up in those conversations signal that we're really not aligned and the fun of the show kind of distracted from that but you can't avoiding confronting those things forever. And the kissing could get better... or not. Again I'm faced with the decision between giving him another chance or not wasting more of his time or mine.