Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

@nosleepforme I've gone out with guys of all different backgrounds. It's hard to tell what someone is like until they're in front of you. I'm very literary and very verbal so for me it's important that there not be a language barrier. I would say trust your instincts. I went out with a guy who went to an Ivy League school but I still felt like he didn't really have a full command of English that would allow an easy conversation. We kept making vague small talk. So... just don't feel like you have to force it to work. 

@theredhead77 I can't speak to if there are any Tinder bugs but I will confess to some unmatching when there's a match and normal me realizes what lonely and/or sleep-deprived and/or reckless me has been swiping right on. 

[possibilities]

Some people like to be asked about themselves and won't talk at all unless you ask them questions. Other people feel like questions are invasive and want to be left to open up on their own. I would try asking which kind of person you are dealing with, instead of guessing. It might be that he is put off by not being asked about himself, thinking it means you aren't interested. I think it's always good to let people know you're interested in them, even if you do it in a way that's not pressuring. If the communication problem is that you truly don't share enough language to understand each other, that might be hard to overcome without really working at learning each others' languages, and that's a long term rather than short term fix. But if it's nerves or shyness, that seems like something that could be tackled head on and probably remedied fairly quickly. You can even say pretty directly that you are interested in knowing more about his life, but don't want to pry if he doesn't want to talk about it. If you hold back too much for fear of making a mistake, you can become as hard to connect with as someone who overdoes it and pushes too much.

It sounds like you're doing really well, though, generally.

[aradia22]

The weather's finally nice and I've hit a slow period. I've started telling myself 'negative body image' and 'there are no guys left on okc' lies. I feel lonely.

That's all. 

[ratgirlagogo]

7 hours ago, aradia22 said:

 

The weather's finally nice

 

for christ's sake aradia, the weather has only been nice in NYC for the past three or four days.  Sheesh.  Things will start happening - like it or not.:)

[Lantern7]

Speaking of OKC, I'm not meeting anybody. Does Tindr ask for money? More importantly, could I get something more than a casual hookup from there? I mean, that might be nice, but I don't think I'm an ONS kind of guy.

[aradia22]

Quote

for christ's sake aradia, the weather has only been nice in NYC for the past three or four days.  Sheesh.  Things will start happening - like it or not.:)

Well, my last date was in early March and you know how those all ended up. I want to get back out there but nothing filtering through right now makes me think that's going to happen anytime soon. After I posted I did go out. I had a nice hour walking around the local botanical garden (lots of couples but what can you do? It's a nice date spot.) Then I went to get groceries and do some cooking. It's not like I'm unable to be by myself. Sometimes it would just be nice to have a companion and also, I'd like to feel like I'm getting somewhat closer to finding a longterm partner. I'm not going to be in my 20's forever. 

@Lantern7 As far as I know, people do use Tinder for non-hookups but I think it's easier if you're older. Younger people do use it to date but, given its reputation, as you can imagine that provides more of a headache. I haven't used it so I don't know if they have any kind of filtering system or if you have to do it on your own.

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

Speaking of OKC, I'm not meeting anybody. Does Tindr ask for money? More importantly, could I get something more than a casual hookup from there? I mean, that might be nice, but I don't think I'm an ONS kind of guy.

Tinder has the same pay for features platform but you don't need them. I haven't had any luck on any of the free sites or on eHarmony though I think there is some truth to "you get what you pay for". That said, I'm pretty certain eHarmony has a lot of fake profiles too. 

I'm joining meet ups and doing stuff in person.

[Lantern7]

I did a Match meetup once. Felt so out of place. I have an account with Meetup, but I don't know if they have dating-inclined stuff. Oh, and I did a group date thing at New York Comic Con a few years ago, and nobody picked me.

[JTMacc99]

8 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

Speaking of OKC, I'm not meeting anybody. Does Tindr ask for money? More importantly, could I get something more than a casual hookup from there? I mean, that might be nice, but I don't think I'm an ONS kind of guy.

In your forties, a very large percentage of the women I see on Tinder specifically state "looking for a LTR, no hook ups".  

[theredhead77]

13 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I did a Match meetup once. Felt so out of place. I have an account with Meetup, but I don't know if they have dating-inclined stuff. Oh, and I did a group date thing at New York Comic Con a few years ago, and nobody picked me.

I'm just doing things that interest me. I belong to a couple craft beer meet-ups and a local happy hour group. The happy hour group skews older and I don't go much but the craft beer groups are fun. I gave up trying to do things with the intent of dating. It's too depressing.

That said, you just signed up on OKC a few months ago. It's not a fast process. Tinder isn't better. You may want to pay for Match or eHarmony. 

[Lantern7]

I've been liking profiles and politely messaging women that intrigue me. Also, a lesbian who came up on "DoubleTake," just to let her know that a guy could read her info, and maybe she should get that checked out. Good news: one answered back. Bad news: I might have screwed up in not getting to tell a woman about myself, and she might be as geeky as me. There was one photo of her where I know that she was posting outside the Javits Center at New York Comic Con. And I probably can't retrieve her profile unless I pony up some dough.

[aradia22]

Still alone and feeling sad about it. The sadness hasn't been a consistent thing but it creeps back in every so often. 

I still have no desire to hook up with anyone but it would be great to meet someone not-horrible to make out with a little bit. And if he could pay me one genuine compliment, that would be OK too. 

I posted on another thread about this TV dating show. One of the couples gave me hope in love again but that's never going to happen if I don't keep going on dates. Sigh...

[Lantern7]

I don't follow dating shows. I don't think there's anybody like me on television, inside and/or outside. There are exceptions, granted . . . though I know how weird it is for a six-foot plus overweight white guy to emphasized with a mixed race lady coming in under five feet. The girl was neurotic but snarky as hell. She found a guy, and I don't hate her for it. Here is her Tumblr, though she doesn't post as often as I'd like.

Still kicking myself about the one woman whose profile I can't access without paying. She was posing in the South Park area outside NYCC. I know that was New York! Okay, it might have been San Diego, but I don't know if she can afford the trip. I've only done that three times.

[theredhead77]

56 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

Still kicking myself about the one woman whose profile I can't access without paying. She was posing in the South Park area outside NYCC. I know that was New York! Okay, it might have been San Diego, but I don't know if she can afford the trip. I've only done that three times.

Could be a fake profile. They are all over the dating sites.

[Lantern7]

@theredhead77 . . . I doubt that. Nothing personal, but I am a doubtful person in general. I think she was into geek stuff like me. I don't think that would have led me to a mugging in a Bronx alley.

[theredhead77]

Fake profiles get you to pay and interact but they aren't a real person and all that happens is you're out money. Maybe you'll come across her on a different site. What site was this on? 

[Lantern7]

OKCupid. I didn't think "fake." When I visited the site before, I would use "DoubleTake," like or pass on profiles, then click the profile to be able to send a message. When I "liked" her profile, I didn't see that I could message her, thinking that perhaps OKC took away the option. I probably screwed up on my own.

[theredhead77]

You can see who you liked without paying. You just can't see who liked you. 

[Lantern7]

Taking it to PMs with you, @theredhead77. I don't want to drag the thread down too much.

ETA: I see the problem. When I clicked "Likes," I'd get the "Wanna Go A-List???" message. But I did not see that I could look at profiles I liked. I am very sorry.

ETA2: Found her. Sent a message. Probably should have waited until tomorrow during the day, but I just wanted her to know that I liked her profile a lot.

[JTMacc99]

Well, I'm still having fun talking to my new friend (the F'ing Brain Surgeon), and I think we were both a little disappointed that schedules worked out exactly wrong for us over the weekend. Between kids, professional lives, and other family obligations it's just difficult sometimes.

We'll find the time. She makes me laugh, and I her, which is a really nice thing to find.

On this topic, I can also see how it was so easy to connect with someone at work last year. While schedules and obligations posed the same challenges, we also got to talk to each other face to face almost every day. Way too easy to charge into a friendship / possible relationship with the constant contact. 

[KnoxForPres]

On 3/28/2017 at 8:01 PM, KnoxForPres said:

 

Stay positive.

Will say though my friend who was a success story on Plenty of Fish things went south. So she got back on there (48/divorced) and has had four separate dates since joining just a couple of weeks ago .  This is a very normal looking person but I read her profile and it was short, fun and optimistic. She said they give you more screentime when you rejoin. So maybe end it and come back a bit later?

And anyone you see who catches your eye (try to check that left hand first and if nothing) make eye contact and smile. That alone right there can change your life now matter how outside the comfort zone. 

Just got off the phone with her and one of those guys is proving to be sex driven which is a disappointment.  And not not in the I was into you way but the wtf way. Again-- she's average divorced and could stand to lose a few pounds.  It's puzzling.

Edited April 19, 2017 by KnoxForPres
Changed OKC to Plenty of Fish

[JTMacc99]

12 hours ago, KnoxForPres said:

And anyone you see who catches your eye (try to check that left hand first and if nothing) make eye contact and smile. That alone right there can change your life now matter how outside the comfort zone. 

This is a hard one to do for some of us. But when you get that smile back, it is pretty cool.

As for me, looks like I've got something planned for later this week. I'm looking forward to it!

[ZaldamoWilder]

On 4/16/2017 at 10:45 PM, Lantern7 said:

I don't follow dating shows. I don't think there's anybody like me on television, inside and/or outside. There are exceptions, granted . . . though I know how weird it is for a six-foot plus overweight white guy to emphasized with a mixed race lady coming in under five feet. The girl was neurotic but snarky as hell. She found a guy, and I don't hate her for it. Here is her Tumblr, though she doesn't post as often as I'd like.

Still kicking myself about the one woman whose profile I can't access without paying. She was posing in the South Park area outside NYCC. I know that was New York! Okay, it might have been San Diego, but I don't know if she can afford the trip. I've only done that three times.

You knew Melissa Beck when she was single?  Duuuude.  I've been a low key fan girl of hers ever since reading a blog about her kids that began  "your toy addiction has affected me in the following ways...." 

 

On 4/17/2017 at 2:02 AM, Lantern7 said:

Taking it to PMs with you, @theredhead77. I don't want to drag the thread down too much.

ETA: I see the problem. When I clicked "Likes," I'd get the "Wanna Go A-List???" message. But I did not see that I could look at profiles I liked. I am very sorry.

ETA2: Found her. Sent a message. Probably should have waited until tomorrow during the day, but I just wanted her to know that I liked her profile a lot.

Yes!!  I so wish something good comes of your introduction.    Your description of where she had been reminded me of this Match commercial I saw that highlights a feature called Missed Connections (I think) where theoretically you can be at a physical location and see if any of your matches are where you are in real time.   Don't know if that's what you were talking about above, but I thought it sounded cool to remove the potential pressure of agreeing to a date. 

[JTMacc99]

2 hours ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Missed Connections (I think) where theoretically you can be at a physical location and see if any of your matches are where you are in real time. 

Boy, I'm not sure if I'm a big fan of that feature. The safety of trying to figure out if you want to meet somebody in person just goes away. I mean, I assume users can shut off that feature where their location is being tracked and reported to other users, but still.

[ZaldamoWilder]

LOL it didn't occur to me as kind of creepy but I guess that's a good point. The way I understood it you both have to choose the feature as an option.  I don't think it's designed to have one person find another who doesn't also want to be found.  

[Lantern7]

11 hours ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

You knew Melissa Beck when she was single?  Duuuude.  I've been a low key fan girl of hers ever since reading a blog about her kids that began  "your toy addiction has affected me in the following ways...."

I was in touch with her after her season aired, and I met her at a Sanrio event on September 9, 2001. Only time we connected. I was so biased for her during Battle Of The Sexes, even if half of her confessionals in the second half could be boiled down to, "Wait . . . we're doing what?!? No. Nuh uh. Normal people don't do that!!" It's kindasorta funny that her husband's initials are the same as mine.

[aradia22]

Filtered messages...

Quote

Hey you're really pretty ..makes me wanna talk to you

I really like how your eyes came out

Wha... what? That's the kind of thing serial killers say. Also, these two messages were 10 days apart. 

[JTMacc99]

Yikes.  

My friend at work was giving advice to a separated male coworker about how to open up conversations on OKC.  He's in his mid thirties, perfectly good looking, but a little awkward.  It was her (and I agreed) opinion that he went way too deep with the first messages.  OKC is nice, in that you've got a bunch of words and pictures to work with. Find something light to start. If there's a picture of her with a pet, it's an easy opening. If she says she loves to bake and make themed cakes, that's an easy opening.

If she also says she likes helping people, don't open with "So, how do you help people?" Which is what he was doing. Are we wrong in thinking that's probably not where you go with the first contact?

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

If she also says she likes helping people, don't open with "So, how do you help people?" Which is what he was doing. Are we wrong in thinking that's probably not where you go with the first contact?

Hard to say - the person put that out there about themselves, so it seems like something they would be comfortable talking about.  I think a less direct approach saying "I've spent some time volunteering at the pet shelter/youth program/soup kitchen..and found it rewarding (or whatever)" might show a shared interest/value or even saying "I have been short on time since starting my job/studies/whatever, that I try to make contributions/donations when I can".  Follow the statement about yourself up with "I'd like to hear which programs/organization you support".

[JTMacc99]

27 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

I think a less direct approach saying "I've spent some time volunteering at the pet shelter/youth program/soup kitchen..and found it rewarding (or whatever)" might show a shared interest/value

That is actually one of the things my friend told him to do. 

Your approach is exactly how I would go about it, but I think it wouldn't be in the opening salvo.  

[ari333]

35 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

That is actually one of the things my friend told him to do. 

Your approach is exactly how I would go about it, but I think it wouldn't be in the opening salvo.  

I agree with you and DeLurker. That other dude's approach comes across in writing as kind of challenging (?) instead of interested.

[aradia22]

Quote

If she also says she likes helping people, don't open with "So, how do you help people?" Which is what he was doing. Are we wrong in thinking that's probably not where you go with the first contact?

What @ari333 said. Of course I give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if there are other things about their profile that make me think we could get along. But I find that there's a certain tone to some first messages... it puts all the burden of the conversation on the receiver. So the guy reached out, but it's my job to be entertaining or justify something I've written or explain something that could easily be googled. Of course, you get some points for at least reading my profile. The ones that are the worst are just the generic questions you could send to anyone. I think I posted one or two. What, are you taking a survey? I already answered hundreds of okc match questions. I don't want to answer any more. I go for a light approach, something that opens up a conversation or else something flirty and playful.

[aradia22]

Yeah, OK, so this is a terrible way to start a conversation.

Quote

y u be hating

I'm 100% not going to answer this.

[JTMacc99]

5 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

I've also gotten kind of sick of the whole active dating thing, so I've deleted all the apps again. I just don't feel like I'm very good at it. It was an interesting experience though. 

I dropping out of the online dating game is perfectly reasonable. I'm not sure about the idea of not being good at it. I'm not sure anybody is good at dating, or at the very least, I don't think anybody finds it consistently enjoyable. Since you said that you hadn't really done a lot, or any, dating, you should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there!

5 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

On Saturday, I'm going on another coffee date with a guy I've been chatting with these last few weeks, though I don't see him as a romantic partner, because he's too young, six or seven years younger than me. I do think we will get along great though.

Six or seven years younger is prime territory for me. Heh. That's what happens when you've lived an additional 20 years from where you're at right now. And while I think you shouldn't completely DQ him on age, if he's not old enough to rent a car, he's probably not old enough for you.  But you never know. Get to know him and see where it goes.

 

I went out last Friday night with my Brain Surgeon (I'm still amused that my friend called her that), and had SUCH a nice time. 2 1/2 hours of just talking, sharing stories, laughing, smiling, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. Funny story: I said to one of my work friends that when I first walked in to the place, for some reason I was a little nervous when we said hello. I thought it was odd, since we've been out a couple times before. And she noticed right away and asked me if I was okay. I assumed it was just because it was a bit of a drive getting there on time, and that I was just a little worked up since I settled down fairly quickly. My work friend looked at me and says, "It was because you like her."  Crap. 

[Moose135]

37 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

My work friend looked at me and says, "It was because you like her."  Crap. 

That is the scary part, isn't it?

[JTMacc99]

4 hours ago, Moose135 said:

That is the scary part, isn't it?

Nah, that's why we take these chances in the first place isn't it?

On the other hand...

[DeLurker]

5 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Funny story: I said to one of my work friends that when I first walked in to the place, for some reason I was a little nervous when we said hello. I thought it was odd, since we've been out a couple times before. And she noticed right away and asked me if I was okay.

I misread this early and thought it said "I saw one of my work friends when I first walked in to the place..."

[JTMacc99]

40 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

I misread this early and thought it said "I saw one of my work friends when I first walked in to the place..."

That's an interesting topic. I'm bound to run into work people while I'm doing things like this, and for the ones who are actually my friends, that would be fun. (They'd get to be nosy, I'd get to show off. Fun.) For the coworkers who don't know my deal, that would be less fun, "Is this your wife?" followed by, "Nope. I'm getting divorced. Been that way for a long time. Just never felt the need to tell you." Niiiiice and awkward.  

[aradia22]

Nothing interesting to report but I saw this self-summary this morning and it got a real laugh out of me. Brilliant.

Quote

Cynical, Pessemestic, Not a cuck

[MrsMoltisanti]

Hi all, I am a newbie to this board but am a veteran of the online dating site scene.  I did meet someone for me who is a good match but it took years and so many doozy stories which now just make me laugh but at the time depressed the heck out of me.

One fellow I met for a walk wanted a relationship but then I found out he wanted me to help him be with a man.

Another one I met for a drink at a patio just sat there - basically in a monotone said he just wanted "fun" but he actually was no fun on the date.  I figured maybe I bore him (also I wanted more than just a fun on the side guy) so I finished my drink and politely thanked him but when I got up to leave he looked surprised that I wasn't staying for another drink and hanging out with him. HUH?

One fellow was interesting on the phone so we set up an early evening drink date at a pub - he was so much shorter and heavier than his profile indicated so that was the first red flag but we did have a drink and a nice chat.  I figured that we were there already and we could just have a generic conversation about life, which we did.  Then he wanted me to come home with him - even though we didn't flirt, touch, or give off any signals that we were attracted to each other. He then texted me and left me phone messages all night long that said I was going to die alone, that I was psycho, why didn't I like him etc. 

I could go on and on.  I laugh now as these are my war stories that I survived.  I did meet someone who was nice and sincere and we hit it off and have been together for 5 years now so I am happy. 

[aradia22]

Quote

Hello beautiful and charming lady.
How are you doing?
I hope as beautiful as you are...
You are so amazing gorgeous and I would like to know you better...
Lets meet...
Lets date...
Lets have a dinner in a nice and quiet restaurant and talk about us in this big crazy and expanding world :)...!

First message. What are the chances this guy is normal? I'm sensing slight language issues and maybe an attempt to bamboozle me with generic compliments.

[aradia22]

If I ever needed proof of a guy sending out generic messages... I just got a message from a guy that is word for word the same first message he sent me in November 2015. It's just a vague 'this is my name, I'd like to get to know you' kind of a message and it would be perfectly polite if I was interested in him. But, you know, come on now. If it hasn't worked in 2 years, maybe it's time to start trying a little harder. Speaking of which... I need to work myself up to send out messages again. It's just an exhausting process actually reading profiles and thinking up something to say only to not get a response. But still, that's how you get results.

[JTMacc99]

3 hours ago, aradia22 said:

First message. What are the chances this guy is normal? I'm sensing slight language issues and maybe an attempt to bamboozle me with generic compliments.

I vote not normal. Just a feeling. 

[theredhead77]

7 hours ago, aradia22 said:

First message. What are the chances this guy is normal? I'm sensing slight language issues and maybe an attempt to bamboozle me with generic compliments.

 

3 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I vote not normal. Just a feeling. 

Not normal and also a generic fishing message.

[ratgirlagogo]

On 5/4/2017 at 3:23 PM, aradia22 said:

What are the chances this guy is normal?

He kind of seems like some kind of bot.

[IrishPirate]

This is a great site to check on scammers: http://www.yourittoday.com/scammers.php

Anybody who says, "Happy to read from you," gets deleted immediately. Also any engineers working outside the country. "Legally separated" is not worth the effort.

[aradia22]

Talking to three guys right now. This comes to mind.

Again, I like to give people a chance but also... I don't know if I have the energy for this. I feel like I should throw these fish back.

[aradia22]

Yeah... I ended up just blocking one of the guys. I can't.

[aradia22]

Quote

So what's up gorgeous u should give me a chance to get to know you a little I'm 26 got a good job and yeah would treat u really good

First message. Not attracted to him but all things considered, not the worst offer. Yes, I'm feeling lonely. Why do you ask? 

[ZaldamoWilder]

If grammar is still one of your leading criteria, he's not the one.