Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[JTMacc99]

6 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Heh! Not even close.   Congratulations on the belly thing though lol that's hard!

Trust me. In the last year I've let feelings get involved in my decision making. Turns out, they're idiots.

I used to be so logical. Sigh.

Oh, and thank you! Making the commitment to do it was the hard part. Once I did that, it was actually a tremendously rewarding experience. 

Edited March 7, 2017 by JTMacc99

[ZaldamoWilder]

5 minutes ago, ari333 said:

You and the doctor may be a great match!

A long time ago, I started to date a neurosurgeon. We were in the getting-to-know-you stage.  He said that it was refreshing that I wasn't "afraid or intimidated" by him "like other women." (Hmmm.... alrighty then?)  After awhile, he seemed so full of himself, but I thought I'd give it a try anyway and see how it goes. Once I accidently called him a "neurologist." He got really miffed and snorted, "neurosurgeon." I can understand him correcting me, but it was the way he did it. Let's proceed with the red flags.

The deal breaker  was the following and keep in mind this person is supposed to be a decent person and a healer for people in serious condition who need neurosurgery.  I know someone will say he is only human, but I couldn't get past it. 

He told me that he had a partner doctor in his practice and that he assigned, "all the fatties" to the other doctor to perform surgery on the "fatties." I was horrified. I asked what constitutes, "fatties" and he said, "Anyone woman over 140 lbs." Needless to say, we didn't work out any relationship. He even said that he was "disgusted by them and couldn't look at them."   YIKES. I kind of wanted to report him to the board. I wish I had.  

Lol.  I shuddered.

[ari333]

3 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Girl??  LOL!!  I can't tell if I'm disappointed or relieved that this wasn't a lifetime tv movie ending.   Trust your instincts.  Hella word.  Was it you that suggested a read of Gavin somebody or other's book?  That's his entire premise.  I saw him about 100 years ago when Oprah was still on the air.  Not sure if he references it in the book but he said that it's not that our instincts aren't immediate, it's that we don't immediately listen to them, so maybe they aren't as loud as we require.   A friend of mine was mugged and even though she sensed someone behind her, she said she didn't turn around because it would've been impolite.  

Heh! Not even close.   Congratulations on the belly thing though lol that's hard!

Hee. Yes, it was me with the de Becker book .IIRC I recall seeing him on Oprah or somewhere too.  I think it's an overall safety book, but it could be dating-strangers-advice book too.

[Lantern7]

I meant "answer" profiles like I did with Match . . . say I like 'em, maybe send a message. I can do that in OKC, but I send a message in the form of an IM rather than a letter. Does that make sense?

Kinda wish I could go out and meet a woman, but I'm not really into crowd scenes. I did a group date thing at New York Comic Con. I circled around a dozen names, and I thought I did well. Nobody picked me. That wasn't a total shock, but it was frustrating.

[ratgirlagogo]

On 3/5/2017 at 8:22 PM, aradia22 said:

at least I got out of there sooner rather than later. 

Yikes.  Glad you're still with us.

[ratgirlagogo]

On 3/6/2017 at 11:54 AM, ari333 said:

There is a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. 

I agree that this is a really good book.  The piece of advice that really hit home with me (in the sense that I wish I had encountered it before I needed to know it and made exactly the mistake he talks about) was about phone messages.  You break up with someone and you would like to transition into being friends if possible.  It begins to seem that this will be difficult since the  person leaves message after message after message (this is from the phone machine era obviously but applies equally to email/texting et. al.) and eventually, since you don't HATE the person but simply don't want to have any further romantic involvement with them, you think, OK,  I'll answer this once since I don't HATE old So-and-so.  And as De Becker says- congratulations.  You have now taught your ex that the price of talking to you is 20 or 30 or however many ignored calls.  They will now not be discouraged any longer by 20 or 30 ignored calls.   In cases like this you have to realize that at least in the short term, and maybe permanently, you can't be friends with this person.  You have to not answer at all, period.  As I said, how I WISH I had encountered someone who gave me this advice when I needed it.

[aradia22]

Quote

I meant "answer" profiles like I did with Match . . . say I like 'em, maybe send a message. I can do that in OKC, but I send a message in the form of an IM rather than a letter. Does that make sense?

No, sorry. Maybe it would make more sense if I had used match. You don't have to send a long message on okc. It doesn't have the immediacy of IM because you have to refresh but you can have a real time chat on okc if you're both online. Just look for the green dot by her screenname. Does that help?

[aradia22]

OK, prop date recap. I will call him The Man With Two Faces. As I mentioned, everything came together rather quickly. We hadn't exchanged that many messages. It was mostly him sending messages in a row. Like, he would send 3 messages before I'd had the chance to respond. Anyway, he finally picked a restaurant and I showed up 5 minutes late for our reservation. He showed up another 10-20 minutes after that. I wasn't keeping track but the waiter came over a lot. 

I think The Man With Two Faces is very handsome. Not that NY sort of... oh my God, he's beautiful, he must be an actor or model kind of handsome. But, you know, pretty attractive. He works in medicine and like me his parents are doctors. The restaurant he chose turned out to be a kind of tapas style place but I wasn't into the spicy food on most of the menu (upscale Korean cuisine) so we each ordered something and then we headed to another place. While we were there we had a pretty nice conversation just on our respective backgrounds. He just moved to the city a few weeks ago for this job and he's still looking for a permanent place to stay. The conversation from the tables beside us was a little loud so sometimes we missed a few bits of conversation which made it hard to stick to a topic. It was a nice date spot otherwise. Then we headed to a Mexican place he thought he knew and continued to talk more about ourselves, still basic stuff not even into the typical movies, music realm yet. The place ended up being more of a bar than a restaurant and it was VERY loud that night so we headed back. Side note: I don't know if it's that area of the city (probably) or that it was a little warmer than it's been (probably) but there were SO many stoners out last night. We laughed it off. We ended up going to Baohaus and got seats. It's a tiny place and they were pumping super loud old school rap music but aside from having to repeat ourselves, the conversation continued to flow well. When we finished eating we started walking and he suggested maybe finding a coffee place to continue the date but it was already around 10:30 and basically every place was going to close at 11. I thought we'd say goodbye at the subway station there but he said another train would work better for him so I walked to him to that station and gave him a little tour of NYU along the way. The conversation got a little weird here but he wasn't turned off by me mentioning feminism (which no good guy should be) and said he used to work a lot with the LGBT community on HIV related health issues so those were good signs. Then at the station we waited on the same platform but we were taking different trains. He started to film a guy playing jazz piano. A lot of our conversation was just about general NY stuff because he's such a recent transplant. My train showed up and he gave me a hard hug goodbye and waved once I got on. It lasted about 3 hours and all things considered, it was a pretty solid date.

So why do I call him The Man With Two Faces? Well, his in-person face is pretty great so far. I mean, I don't know him that well but he's perfectly nice and didn't display any red flags. But his online/messaging/texting face gives me cause for concern. I can go into specifics if you'd like. It's nothing too bad and I don't get offended easily it's just... I think there's a way you talk to people, especially since he's 5 years older than me and I'd expect him to be more mature. But I texted him a bit of a lighthearted rebuke this morning and I think he took the hint so hopefully he was just sort of testing boundaries and now knows that's not how I'd like to be spoken to. Hopefully on date 2, I'll learn more about him and can upgrade him to a new nickname.

[ari333]

2 hours ago, ratgirlagogo said:

I agree that this is a really good book.  The piece of advice that really hit home with me (in the sense that I wish I had encountered it before I needed to know it and made exactly the mistake he talks about) was about phone messages.  You break up with someone and you would like to transition into being friends if possible.  It begins to seem that this will be difficult since the  person leaves message after message after message (this is from the phone machine era obviously but applies equally to email/texting et. al.) and eventually, since you don't HATE the person but simply don't want to have any further romantic involvement with them, you think, OK,  I'll answer this once since I don't HATE old So-and-so.  And as De Becker says- congratulations.  You have now taught your ex that the price of talking to you is 20 or 30 or however many ignored calls.  They will now not be discouraged any longer by 20 or 30 ignored calls.   In cases like this you have to realize that at least in the short term, and maybe permanently, you can't be friends with this person.  You have to not answer at all, period.  As I said, how I WISH I had encountered someone who gave me this advice when I needed it.

I made the exact same mistake, so you are not alone. Hence (did I jus say, "hence" heh) hence my recommending the book to the young ones (and the old ones, for that matter.) I wish I had had it (the book) as a youngish one/ later divorced one  on the dating scene. Online dating (and regular dating)  was kind of brutal and exhausting IIRC.

I'll be at the titty bar if you need me. :-) 

Edited March 7, 2017 by ari333

[ari333]

12 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

OK, prop date recap. I will call him The Man With Two Faces. As I mentioned, everything came together rather quickly. We hadn't exchanged that many messages. It was mostly him sending messages in a row. Like, he would send 3 messages before I'd had the chance to respond. Anyway, he finally picked a restaurant and I showed up 5 minutes late for our reservation. He showed up another 10-20 minutes after that. I wasn't keeping track but the waiter came over a lot. 

I think The Man With Two Faces is very handsome. Not that NY sort of... oh my God, he's beautiful, he must be an actor or model kind of handsome. But, you know, pretty attractive. He works in medicine and like me his parents are doctors. The restaurant he chose turned out to be a kind of tapas style place but I wasn't into the spicy food on most of the menu (upscale Korean cuisine) so we each ordered something and then we headed to another place. While we were there we had a pretty nice conversation just on our respective backgrounds. He just moved to the city a few weeks ago for this job and he's still looking for a permanent place to stay. The conversation from the tables beside us was a little loud so sometimes we missed a few bits of conversation which made it hard to stick to a topic. It was a nice date spot otherwise. Then we headed to a Mexican place he thought he knew and continued to talk more about ourselves, still basic stuff not even into the typical movies, music realm yet. The place ended up being more of a bar than a restaurant and it was VERY loud that night so we headed back. Side note: I don't know if it's that area of the city (probably) or that it was a little warmer than it's been (probably) but there were SO many stoners out last night. We laughed it off. We ended up going to Baohaus and got seats. It's a tiny place and they were pumping super loud old school rap music but aside from having to repeat ourselves, the conversation continued to flow well. When we finished eating we started walking and he suggested maybe finding a coffee place to continue the date but it was already around 10:30 and basically every place was going to close at 11. I thought we'd say goodbye at the subway station there but he said another train would work better for him so I walked to him to that station and gave him a little tour of NYU along the way. The conversation got a little weird here but he wasn't turned off by me mentioning feminism (which no good guy should be) and said he used to work a lot with the LGBT community on HIV related health issues so those were good signs. Then at the station we waited on the same platform but we were taking different trains. He started to film a guy playing jazz piano. A lot of our conversation was just about general NY stuff because he's such a recent transplant. My train showed up and he gave me a hard hug goodbye and waved once I got on. It lasted about 3 hours and all things considered, it was a pretty solid date.

So why do I call him The Man With Two Faces? Well, his in-person face is pretty great so far. I mean, I don't know him that well but he's perfectly nice and didn't display any red flags. But his online/messaging/texting face gives me cause for concern. I can go into specifics if you'd like. It's nothing too bad and I don't get offended easily it's just... I think there's a way you talk to people, especially since he's 5 years older than me and I'd expect him to be more mature. But I texted him a bit of a lighthearted rebuke this morning and I think he took the hint so hopefully he was just sort of testing boundaries and now knows that's not how I'd like to be spoken to. Hopefully on date 2, I'll learn more about him and can upgrade him to a new nickname.

BBM (Bold By Me)

Oh,GIRL! I need the specifics.

Bring it, (if you feel comfy) 

Glad that Monday was better than Sunday !

[aradia22]

okc messages... I feel like the weirdness only comes through in context so forgive the long posts

Quote

You should text me, it's much easier; (number redacted) :)

Yay! I'm excited!

Is there are favorite cuisine that makes you drool

Ps how's your night going?

I love that black dress

Also, this is what I mean by him sending me a string of messages before I've even gotten a chance to respond to the first thing.

A little farther into the okc conversation

Quote

You have suchhhh a beautiful smile!

ME: Thank you :)

You're more than welcome :) that's not all I think hehe

Quote

Yessss, how does Korean sound? Or would you prefer Italian or American?

There's a nice place called (redacted)

It got great reviews

Do you live closer to 42 or 14

Ps I love how that black dress hugs your body hehe

Text messages...

Quote

ME: (Thanking him for the date)

Be honest; were you going in for a kiss :p

I had a blast as well! I'm glad I passed the test

Ps you're cute as fuck (emoji)

ME: I was hoping you were

Fuck I wanted to 

ME: Next time :)

Damn I should've done it

Now I have serious blue balls

(crying emojis)

Ps I loved that dress you were wearing tonight

So sexy and I loved the fit 

But I blame you for my blue balls (crying emoji)

Tsk tsk tsk

I was wearing a pretty basic sundress from Old Navy. Nothing particularly revealing. Not that my choice of fashion should have anything to do with the matter. 

[ari333]

13 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

okc messages... I feel like the weirdness only comes through in context so forgive the long posts

Also, this is what I mean by him sending me a string of messages before I've even gotten a chance to respond to the first thing.

A little farther into the okc conversation

Text messages...

I was wearing a pretty basic sundress from Old Navy. Nothing particularly revealing. Not that my choice of fashion should have anything to do with the matter. 

Ok, I'm old, but I'm so far from a prude and I rarely clutch my pearls. :-)

But..... That is a bit much for a new, brand new dating thing. (the texts listed above)  If it were me I wouldn't be terrified, but I'd be a little skittish.

Just my 2 cents. Fwiw.

All that may have been fine if he knew you better and longer. IDK what to say. Maybe I'm out of the loop.

13 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

 

Edited March 8, 2017 by ari333

[ari333]

The blue balls were a little much too imo since you just met.  TMI

[aradia22]

And when I say The Man With Two Faces, I mean it. He's completely different in person. He didn't pay me any compliments on my appearance or attire at all when we were together. He didn't even try to hold my hand. Not that I'd be opposed to those things but it's quite a leap to how he is in messages. 

[ari333]

12 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

And when I say The Man With Two Faces, I mean it. He's completely different in person. He didn't pay me any compliments on my appearance or attire at all when we were together. He didn't even try to hold my hand. Not that I'd be opposed to those things but it's quite a leap to how he is in messages. 

So you felt comfy in person and a little weirded out via text? Maybe he's little too excited and going overboard? I want to ask how old he is but I'm nosy. :-) And I agree that it is quite a leap.

[emma675]

I like to think I'm not too prudish, but the blue balls and harping on the fit of your dress text stuff is a little weird to me. Hopefully it's just him trying to be flirty and not knowing how to do so by text.

[ari333]

9 hours ago, emma675 said:

I like to think I'm not too prudish, but the blue balls and harping on the fit of your dress text stuff is a little weird to me. Hopefully it's just him trying to be flirty and not knowing how to do so by text.

Agreed /This ^^^^

And he was harping imo too. He texts like a  horny teen. But if he's normal in person I'd give it another shot.... if it were me.

[aradia22]

Also, I just wanted to point out that a man blaming a woman for his lust and being upset with her for not satisfying it does not sit well with me. 

But I'm definitely going to give him the benefit of the doubt and see him again because he's so different in person. Maybe you're right and it's just an awkward attempt to flirt. 

[emma675]

Quote

Also, I just wanted to point out that a man blaming a woman for his lust and being upset with her for not satisfying it does not sit well with me.

That's it, that's what was bugging me! I just couldn't figure out how to word it. His blue balls are not your problem, that's his own deal.

[DeLurker]

@aradia22 - Seriously?  He's telling you about his blue balls?  Repeatedly gushing over your dress is just crass, but blue balls?

It seems like he is a different person irl versus by text.  The fact that he probably wouldn't say something in person to you is probably a clue that he shouldn't say it at all.

And how would you react if this were said to you - just as bluntly - to your face?

You seem to be open to seeing him again, but I would tell him to his face that his text talk makes you uncomfortable and seems inconsistent with how he comes across in real life (and not a little inconsistent to me at least).  So you need to know who you are dealing with.

I grew up with 4 older brothers and all their friends - I've heard a lot of locker room talk, so hearing (or overhearing on occasion) about blue balls is not going to give me the vapors.

[JTMacc99]

I need to step up my flirty text game.  My last two conversations were about our broken plumbing items in our basements and finding good babysitters.

And I'm starting to lean towards being not a fan of the man with two faces @aradia22.  That's just off-putting.

Edited March 8, 2017 by JTMacc99

[ari333]

47 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

@aradia22 - Seriously?  He's telling you about his blue balls?  Repeatedly gushing over your dress is just crass, but blue balls?

It seems like he is a different person irl versus by text.  The fact that he probably wouldn't say something in person to you is probably a clue that he shouldn't say it at all.

And how would you react if this were said to you - just as bluntly - to your face?

You seem to be open to seeing him again, but I would tell him to his face that his text talk makes you uncomfortable and seems inconsistent with how he comes across in real life (and not a little inconsistent to me at least).  So you need to know who you are dealing with.

I grew up with 4 older brothers and all their friends - I've heard a lot of locker room talk, so hearing (or overhearing on occasion) about blue balls is not going to give me the vapors.

I agree with all of this , Delurker.

I also agree with A22's name of "The Man With Two Faces."

I can say some pretty out there, crass stuff myself, but never to someone I just met and want to date.

From A22's description it sounds like he's normal irl, but bordering on blowing it with the weird texts. He needs to take it down a notch or 11. (imo too)

It's been my experience in the past that when a man mentions his blue balls that he wants me to do something about it. Turn off. It almost feels like, "Hey I don't desire you per se,  I just need relief so......"

My response is, "so.....  go jerk yourself. See ya." As I said, I can be crass too.  :-) 

28 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

And I'm starting to lean towards being not a fan of the man with two faces @aradia22.  That's just off-putting.

He only does the weirdness in texts. Maybe he feels the anonymity of texting?  and goes overboard?

Agreed. It is still off-putting

[ari333]

This sounds counterproductive and counterintuitive, but the best relationships /marriage in my life happened when I wasn't looking for it. I know that sounds a little weird bc you ( not "you" you, but people) have to get out there to make it happen.

It's difficult and exhausting.... and some other words. :-) 

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

My last two conversations were about our broken plumbing items in our basements

Double entendre? 

2 hours ago, ari333 said:

He only does the weirdness in texts. Maybe he feels the anonymity of texting?  and goes overboard?

That is what I have issue with.  If @aradia22 has not initiated any chatter that indicate this tone of conversation is what she desires (and it does not seem likely that she has), it seems as if he finds this crude dialogue to be appropriate with women.  Add to that, he seems to be fixated on her looks and sex and keeps bringing it up.  Those two aspects give me serious question about what level of respect and esteem he has for the gender.

Being appreciated for your appearance and effort you make to present yourself well is one thing - this isn't it.  I'd take a pass on future dates or communication with him myself although that might just be a bit of generational pearl clutching.

[ari333]

Aradia,you're a smart strong woman. We all are just here worrying and concerned. You expressed some concerns too.

 I agree with all of the above. Let us know how you are doing. We worry. We're in it with you now. Big hugs 

[theredhead77]

If he backs off with the crudeness in text after you say something I'd chalk it up to one of those people who can't figure out how to flirt via text vs in person.

I want to know your secret to getting so many dates. I've been on OKC, Tinder and now Bumble. Even if I match and have a conversation it goes nowhere. I haven't been on a date in 6 or 7 months. And this glitter* I've known for at least 15 years popped up again. "I never want to speak to you again, never text me again" translates to "wait a few months and text her again".

*his name is glitter because I can never quite get rid of him.

[aradia22]

Quote

And this glitter* I've known for at least 15 years popped up again. "I never want to speak to you again, never text me again" translates to "wait a few months and text her again".

*his name is glitter because I can never quite get rid of him.

Hahaha. I love that. Excellent nicknaming.

I'm sure other people get more attention than I do. My photos aren't provocative and my profile isn't particularly flirty. I think as far as photos go, it's good to pick something flattering and... high quality (not a headshot but something well lit and sharp and in focus). Not only does it show you to your best advantage but I think it shows that you care. At least, that's my perspective when looking at the many low resolution, shirtless selfie, Instagram filter, and weirdly cropped photos I come across. How you present yourself communicates how you want to be perceived. And while I don't reply to everyone (because it would be exhausting to reply to everyone who says "hi") I am more open to striking up conversations than I perhaps should be. Sometimes it happens that I'm bored and/or lonely and I'll engage. I mean, clearly they're not all winners. But if you cast a wider net you increase your chances of catching something, for good or for ill. 

I do think it helps to go on dates sooner rather than later, at least at my age when many guys put disparaging things about becoming "pen pals" on their profiles. Obviously, sometimes it backfires like with The Russian. Of course, then there are also guys like Mr. Accountant/Mr. Nice Boy and Mr. Lawyer who, to be very frank, could have used help putting together their profiles. They probably weren't having a lot of luck and so they were probably more open to continue messaging me after I'd started showing a lack of interest. Also, every so often I'll feel motivated and send out a flurry of first messages. I don't get a high rate of responses, because like everyone else, I'm messaging the people who aren't typically sending me first messages. But sometimes it works out.

That's really all the advice I've got. For the past few months, I've gone out on one or two dates a month. That doesn't seem like a lot to me. Mostly I live my own life and do things on my own. I do think any relatively attractive and eligible person can get A date, but it's a question of whether you want to go out with the person who wants to go out with you. Sometimes I take a chance and see what happens. I'm open to interesting conversations online or in person. You know all the results of that. ;)

[Lantern7]

Started chatting with a woman on OKC. Don't know where that's going. Also, I got a "like." It might be her, but I can't tell because OKC wants me to pay for that privilege. That's as annoying as Match e-mailing me, all, "Dude! Women are interested in you!! Come back and pay us for a few years!!!"

ETA: I tweaked the profile, adding some words and a few pictures.. I'd be willing to show it for feedback. Let me know via private message.

[aradia22]

Quote

Also, I got a "like." It might be her, but I can't tell because OKC wants me to pay for that privilege. That's as annoying as Match e-mailing me, all, "Dude! Women are interested in you!! Come back and pay us for a few years!!!"

If you like each other then I think regardless of whether you paid, you're supposed to get a message to that effect. If only one of you clicked like, then no alert. I honestly think other sites are much worse about that kind of thing. okc lets you see profiles and send messages. The only thing it won't do is let you use it like Tinder (seeing who liked you) without paying for it. 

[theredhead77]

14 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

Started chatting with a woman on OKC. Don't know where that's going. Also, I got a "like." It might be her, but I can't tell because OKC wants me to pay for that privilege. That's as annoying as Match e-mailing me, all, "Dude! Women are interested in you!! Come back and pay us for a few years!!!"

ETA: I tweaked the profile, adding some words and a few pictures.. I'd be willing to show it for feedback. Let me know via private message.

People use "like" as a way to bookmark. I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

I got my first response on Bumble last night. Unfortunately instead of asking me questions about, well, me, he jumped right into my appearance, commenting that I have curves and this is "very nice". Uh, no, it's very creepy.  I had a momentary memory lapse: if a profile says they are not looking for a ONS, they are.

[ari333]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

People use "like" as a way to bookmark. I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

I got my first response on Bumble last night. Unfortunately instead of asking me questions about, well, me, he jumped right into my appearance, commenting that I have curves and this is "very nice". Uh, no, it's very creepy.  I had a momentary memory lapse: if a profile says they are not looking for a ONS, they are.

That sounds creepy. I had a couple of ONS in my very younger days and they sucked and were terrible. NO MORE .    

Back in the day I used to be on Match. I got so frustrated I may have become bitchy. I said , "go jerk yourself" and such. I may have told one dude to, "go get a hooker." I got so disgusted. "Your breasts this" "your ass that." What about my brain and personality, asshole?

[theredhead77]

3 hours ago, ari333 said:

That sounds creepy. I had a couple of ONS in my very younger days and they sucked and were terrible. NO MORE .    

Yea, I think I'm going to unmatch him. Just a vibe.  I don't have an issue with ONSs. They aren't my shot of whiskey anymore, but if I'm going to have one I'm going to take my ass to the bar and see which hot friend of a friend I can make a poor decision with.

[Moose135]

It's a dopey credit card commercial, but I think of this thread every time I see it:

[aradia22]

Update on The Man With Two Faces. I need some advice. Is there a point where you just cannot dignify something with a response? I really wanted to see him again but I'm getting to the point where I think it might be condoning this super inappropriate texting. Again, it's not even that I'm upset or offended. It's that I'm mad that he's ruining and not allowing me to just like the one face because the other face is such a dick. I think context is important here so I'm picking up right where the last texts left off.

Quote

Monday morning Me: Thank you for the compliment on the dress. But hush on the rest of it before I regret giving you my number. 

(emojis) yes mam

Wednesday morning Me: Good morning! Happy International Women's Day :)

Wednesday afternoon Good afternoon! How's your day going?

Thursday morning Me: I had a pretty relaxed day. I'm loving this sunny weather. I'm spending the day with my mom.

Friday 6:30 pm Me: See what I mean about this weather? Bipolar. Snowing in the morning, sunny in the late afternoon

Sunday 12:07 am Yesssss

So cold too

Have you fucked anyone on okc before

Just curious

Very curious

?

I felt like I was clear, right? I'm not into the weirdness. I even brought up International Women's Day and my mom and maybe that was enough to hold him off. But a neutral topic like the weather and he's at it again. He was so great in person. Can I set a second date or do I just have to cut my losses and block him now, no discussion?

[aradia22]

Quote

You should figure out if you are willing to do what he wants in the texts to get what you want in person. 

Even if I was, which I'm not, this would not be the way to go about it. There's nothing remotely sexy, much less romantic, about any of this. 

[Jaded]

6 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Even if I was, which I'm not, this would not be the way to go about it. There's nothing remotely sexy, much less romantic, about any of this. 

I'd send him a message saying exactly that and then block him. 

[theredhead77]

Unless you have something on your profile about looking for a hook-up, ONS, FWB asking that is beyond unacceptable.

Totally reminds me of this sketch:

[theredhead77]

Two people already liked my post so I feel weird about editing (no idea if it will merge though)

 

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Can I set a second date or do I just have to cut my losses and block him now, no discussion?

You don't have to do anything. 

1 hour ago, stewedsquash said:

If we are voting, I vote block and move on.

If you aren't into the texts, which it doesn't seem that you are, my vote is to tell him based on his continued sexual texts you no longer think you two are a good match, wish him the best then block his number and un-match online.

[aradia22]

Quote

And as De Becker says- congratulations.  You have now taught your ex that the price of talking to you is 20 or 30 or however many ignored calls.  They will now not be discouraged any longer by 20 or 30 ignored calls. 

I mean this is where I am now. I feel like I shut it down already and I could do it again but I'm worried he's just going to interpret that as meaning he needs to play nice for a while and then he'll pick it up again. That just sounds exhausting. It's just tough because good dates are hard to come by. If we hadn't gone on a good first date it would be so much easier to block him now. 

Random side note... this series is great if you haven't checked it out. He used to produce them on his own and I think some of those are in here but they added some new episodes when it got picked up by Lifetime. 

Edited because the video didn't post: Just search "Local Attraction" on the Lifetime youtube page. 

Edited March 12, 2017 by aradia22

[theredhead77]

On 3/7/2017 at 1:11 PM, aradia22 said:

So why do I call him The Man With Two Faces? Well, his in-person face is pretty great so far. I mean, I don't know him that well but he's perfectly nice and didn't display any red flags. But his online/messaging/texting face gives me cause for concern. I can go into specifics if you'd like. It's nothing too bad and I don't get offended easily it's just... I think there's a way you talk to people, especially since he's 5 years older than me and I'd expect him to be more mature. But I texted him a bit of a lighthearted rebuke this morning and I think he took the hint so hopefully he was just sort of testing boundaries and now knows that's not how I'd like to be spoken to. Hopefully on date 2, I'll learn more about him and can upgrade him to a new nickname.

 

On 3/7/2017 at 4:00 PM, aradia22 said:

okc messages... I feel like the weirdness only comes through in context so forgive the long posts

Also, this is what I mean by him sending me a string of messages before I've even gotten a chance to respond to the first thing.

 

On 3/8/2017 at 5:45 AM, aradia22 said:

Also, I just wanted to point out that a man blaming a woman for his lust and being upset with her for not satisfying it does not sit well with me. 

But I'm definitely going to give him the benefit of the doubt and see him again because he's so different in person. Maybe you're right and it's just an awkward attempt to flirt. 

 

On 3/8/2017 at 8:19 AM, DeLurker said:

@aradia22 - Seriously?  He's telling you about his blue balls?  Repeatedly gushing over your dress is just crass, but blue balls?

 

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Update on The Man With Two Faces. I need some advice. Is there a point where you just cannot dignify something with a response? I really wanted to see him again but I'm getting to the point where I think it might be condoning this super inappropriate texting. Again, it's not even that I'm upset or offended. It's that I'm mad that he's ruining and not allowing me to just like the one face because the other face is such a dick. I think context is important here so I'm picking up right where the last texts left off.

I felt like I was clear, right? I'm not into the weirdness. I even brought up International Women's Day and my mom and maybe that was enough to hold him off. But a neutral topic like the weather and he's at it again. He was so great in person. Can I set a second date or do I just have to cut my losses and block him now, no discussion?

 

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

Even if I was, which I'm not, this would not be the way to go about it. There's nothing remotely sexy, much less romantic, about any of this. 

 

8 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I mean this is where I am now. I feel like I shut it down already and I could do it again but I'm worried he's just going to interpret that as meaning he needs to play nice for a while and then he'll pick it up again. That just sounds exhausting. It's just tough because good dates are hard to come by. If we hadn't gone on a good first date it would be so much easier to block him now. 

He's showing you his true colors in his texts and you see the red flags but for whatever reason you want to give his disregard to your comfort level a pass (because good dates are hard to come by?). You don't have to justify to us if you want to go out with him again. If you want to go out with him again, then go out with him. If you don't, then don't. Just keep his texts in the back of your mind and know he's probably looking for a fuck sooner rather than later.

[Jaded]

[emma675]

I say ditch him. I feel like he's acted "good" on the date, but his texts are showing his true colors. Nice guys don't start taking about their blue balls after one date and esp. don't keep it up after you've warned him you don't like this.

[aradia22]

Just sent a text. Clean break while I'm feeling up to it. It's not that I was ever in doubt about this not being appropriate. It's that I could finally see myself dating the guy I went out with Monday. Excuse me while I go listen to Kate Earl on a loop for a while.

[aradia22]

Quote

I agree, yet you did say that you weren't offended or upset by what he was doing, so I was a little bit confused as to your thinking about the texts. 

I just mean I've been on the internet too long to really get offended or upset by the language. I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm not a delicate flower. I can take some language or crudeness, especially presented in the right way, like as a joke. But that doesn't mean I approve of it in the dating context or as an attempt to initiate something. I would like to be respected at the very least as a fellow human being. 

[possibilities]

On 3/12/2017 at 5:25 PM, aradia22 said:

I would like to be respected at the very least as a fellow human being.

It's a low bar, but we all know a lot of people don't clear it.

Still, I think we can't let the standard drop lower than that!

Edited March 14, 2017 by possibilities

[aradia22]

So... the texting situation has continued. Again, I'll start right where I left off.

Quote

Sunday 2:10 pm Me: I can't do this. I would have liked to get to know the guy I met on Monday but all of this... It's not for me.

3:33 pm Him: :(

Tuesday 1:30 am Him: Really

I'm the same guy

It's just a question

6:13 pm Him: Don't be mad

:(

I didn't want to just block him because I thought either he'd stop texting or maybe he would apologize and it would feel genuine. But this still feels pretty immature. Starting with an emoji, then waiting until late at night to text again. I feel like it's still all on me instead of him taking responsibility for acting like a jerk. There's zero remorse or understanding. 

[ari333]

Aradia, this dude has shown you who he is.... believe him. Cut him loose. (imo) I agree with all of the above.

Don't settle. You don't know if the "nice" in person face is the real face or the text face is the real face. Even after you said how you felt , you got more of the same. Even so , he may decide to act normal just to reel you in. Frankly, he lost me at blue balls and the dress stuff,  and the fuck question; if I read that correctly. 

[possibilities]

People are on their best behavior on the first few dates. I can't imagine he will get anything but worse if you keep him around.

Plus, you set a boundary and he didn't respect it. If you let him get away with that, he now knows your boundaries are not to be taken seriously-- and that is very bad news.

[theredhead77]

5 hours ago, aradia22 said:

So... the texting situation has continued. Again, I'll start right where I left off.

I didn't want to just block him because I thought either he'd stop texting or maybe he would apologize and it would feel genuine. But this still feels pretty immature. Starting with an emoji, then waiting until late at night to text again. I feel like it's still all on me instead of him taking responsibility for acting like a jerk. There's zero remorse or understanding. 

You gave him more than what he deserved. If he came back with a legit apology and moved on, maybe another chance was in order. This? He still wants to know the answer to wether or not you've "fucked" someone from OKC AFTER you told him to drop it. Seriously? if it were me I'd just block and move on, maybe with a note "it's a shame you have no boundaries. Due to your persistence in sending sexual texts despite my not being receptive to it, I could never trust you in person. Don't contact me again. Good luck out there" block. 

[ari333]

Aradia, the texts are very bad overall, but the fuck question is beyond the pale. He does not deserve another explanation from you or your time or thoughts or attention; (Responding to him, even negatively is attention imo). I would just block him. Or don't block him , but do not respond again. (I vote for the block with no message why.) The end. My two cents.