Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[Jaded]

3 hours ago, Bastet said:

I think unless you know someone is open to pop-ins, you shouldn't do it.  You could call and ask if it's a good time (so long as making clear you're happy driving on if it's not), but I think actually going to the door is an imposition.

(Personally, I despise them.)

I despise them too. If Im not expecting someone I don't answer the door. If I'm in the font of the house I'll go peep out of the kitchen window to see who it is. I spend a lot of time in my room near the back of the house especially during Summers like this. I'm always thankful I don't answer the door to anyone who knocks because I've dodged so many people from different churches trying to recruit. I'll find their business cards or flyers on the porch and sometimes door tags. I live in the South where there's a church on more streets then not.

[BlueSkies]

3 hours ago, Bastet said:

I think unless you know someone is open to pop-ins, you shouldn't do it.  You could call and ask if it's a good time (so long as making clear you're happy driving on if it's not), but I think actually going to the door is an imposition.

(Personally, I despise them.)

Yeah.

 

I have another aunt I talk too on the phone sometimes.  I'll usually always send a text of is 12:30ish a good time to chat.  Especially if it's kind of a heavy topic.

 

Even with phone calls I dont really care to just call people on the fly like that 

[Jaded]

On 7/30/2023 at 8:26 PM, PRgal said:

Thanks.  Good thing I did it over text.  It would be hard to do it face-to-face. 

I started interacting with some of my A-hole father's family after my Mom died. Everything went ok basically for the first year since the only religious stuff they'd mention was wanting to pray over me before going back home a state over. They'd drive from there and thankfully drive back in the same day. 

After about a year an Amazon box appeared on my porch in December when I knew I hadn't ordered anything. Inside the box was a "woman's" bible and just seeing it made me feel a sense of dread. Not long after that the aunt who posts and reposts religious stuff on her FB all day started sending me religious videos from an aspiring evangelist who at the time was being exposed because he was using that fact to lure and then sleep with teen girls who were over the legal age.

The girls were all in different cities and thought each of them were his girlfriend all the while he was a married man. Once I googled and found out about all of that I got angry over the fact that she thought it was still ok to send his stuff to me. One of the videos was a spoken word thing to music where he dissed a particular antidepressant at the end. She knew I was on medication like that. 

She also started sending me FB messages telling me to read different passages of the bible they sent. After they started visiting they never asked if I was religious or not and just assumed. I never said anything either way in hopes they'd continue to not bring it up. Her FB messages sent me near the edge, so I got some help with writing out a request telling her to stop sending the different types of religious content. It was a respectful message asking her to stop without coming across as rude, angry or demanding. 

She replied going off on me somewhat in a FB message which I never really read in it's entirety, skimming the beginning was enough to know that she was sooooo offended. I just let her reply sit there for a couple months so the next time she messaged she acting like nothing happened. I kept letting them come over for a while longer until they started pushing me to contact said A-hole father who I haven't had contact with since the 90's when he gave up visitation rights. I slowly started to stop replying to any messages until I stopped completely.  I could never have responded to her like I did if it was a face to face thing.

[PRgal]

@Jaded: Maybe you should block that person.

[StatisticalOutlier]

5 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

I often think back to the days when I was single and friends would stop by unannounced. It was before cell phones, and I didn't have a landline. 
Nobody does that anymore — which is both a relief at times (naked after the shower and I left the towel in the dryer, LOL) and also a little sad. 

I think it's mainly a little sad.

Once when I lived in an apartment, long before cell phones, I came home to find my boyfriend and two of my friends sitting in my living room.  They had each shown up individually and unannounced while I was out.  My boyfriend had a key, and he'd gotten there first, and let the other two in as they showed up, and they all sat around waiting for me to show up.

I walked in and was a bit surprised to encounter the assembled crowd, but loved the casualness of the whole thing.  I really miss those days.

[PRgal]

7 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I think it's mainly a little sad.

Once when I lived in an apartment, long before cell phones, I came home to find my boyfriend and two of my friends sitting in my living room.  They had each shown up individually and unannounced while I was out.  My boyfriend had a key, and he'd gotten there first, and let the other two in as they showed up, and they all sat around waiting for me to show up.

I walked in and was a bit surprised to encounter the assembled crowd, but loved the casualness of the whole thing.  I really miss those days.

It depends on the person.  I don’t like people just showing up like that.  I recently came home finding a contractor and the building manager in my unit.  I was expecting them the following day and wasn’t informed about them coming.  My housekeeper/nanny had let them in.  My housekeeper’s English isn’t great and I think she thought I had okayed the entry. 

[Bastet]

4 hours ago, Jaded said:

If Im not expecting someone I don't answer the door.

Unless I'm in the middle of something I can't step away from, I'll go to the door and look through its window; if it's any sort of solicitor I'll tell them I'm not interested without opening the door.  But sometimes it's my next door neighbor bringing me a plate of food when she's made extra (she cooks for a family of five).  Now that's an unexpected "visit" I don't mind -- because it's not a visit, all she does is hand me the food and head back home. 

(No, I don't ever reciprocate with my own meals, because I'm not going to cook enough extra of anything for five people, but I bring her produce from my and my parents' gardens.)

[shapeshifter]

6 hours ago, Bastet said:

But sometimes it's my next door neighbor bringing me a plate of food when she's made extra (she cooks for a family of five).  Now that's an unexpected "visit" I don't mind -- because it's not a visit, all she does is hand me the food and head back home. 

(No, I don't ever reciprocate with my own meals, because I'm not going to cook enough extra of anything for five people, but I bring her produce from my and my parents' gardens.)

To me, this is not unlike the unannounced visits of Ye Olden Tymes, aka the 70s, LOL, like:

9 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Once when I lived in an apartment, long before cell phones, I came home to find my boyfriend and two of my friends sitting in my living room.  They had each shown up individually and unannounced while I was out.  My boyfriend had a key, and he'd gotten there first, and let the other two in as they showed up, and they all sat around waiting for me to show up.

I walked in and was a bit surprised to encounter the assembled crowd, but loved the casualness of the whole thing.  I really miss those days.

 

I could easily write a book of short Short Stories about people who came to the door, including dear friends, scary strangers, the little boy whose faith I unraveled with a bible quote, and The One With Too Many Guitars.

 

[Browncoat]

9 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I came home to find my boyfriend and two of my friends sitting in my living room. 

 

If I came home to a crowd of people, I'd wonder why I was the subject of an intervention!

 

10 hours ago, Jaded said:

Inside the box was a "woman's" bible

What the hell is a woman's bible?  Is it smaller for our more delicate hands?  Does it take out words that are too harsh for our delicate ears?  Oh, wait!  I know!  It's pink and made of lower quality materials and also costs twice as much as a "regular" bible!

[Jaded]

6 hours ago, Browncoat said:

What the hell is a woman's bible?  Is it smaller for our more delicate hands?  Does it take out words that are too harsh for our delicate ears?  Oh, wait!  I know!  It's pink and made of lower quality materials and also costs twice as much as a "regular" bible!

I think they're called "Women's Study Bibles".  Jokes on them though I've never read a bible and never intend do. I started wondering how in the hell people could live their lives based on a book written so long ago when so much had changed since then.

[Bastet]

7 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

To me, this is not unlike the unannounced visits of Ye Olden Tymes, aka the 70s, LOL, like:

There's a huge difference between coming home to find people have let themselves in with the intention of hanging out and having a neighbor knock, say hello, hand you a plate of food, and leave.

7 hours ago, Browncoat said:

If I came home to a crowd of people, I'd wonder why I was the subject of an intervention!

Same!

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 8/4/2023 at 1:19 PM, shapeshifter said:

But she is only able to imagine how she would want things to be if she were in their place (along with all of her resources and baggage) — which is not really empathy.

To say the least.

But worse, they told her how they wanted things.  She didn't need to imagine anything, or put herself in their shoes.  I'd love to see her reaction if/when someone does to her what she did to them. 

Quote

I'm thinking of the title character of Silas Marner in the 19th century novel by George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans).

Uh oh.  Pretty sure we were assigned this in high school, but also pretty sure I didn't read it because I was too busy riding on the hoods of people's cars.  😀

On 8/4/2023 at 1:45 PM, Laura Holt said:

When her father was in the last months of his life he still appreciated a little treat of candy now and then.  We checked with the nurses and they assured us that there was nothing wrong with this - if anything let him have what he enjoys.  Makes sense.  My SIL though was insistent that sugar was bad for "daddy" and tried to get us all to agree that we wouldn't honour his requests because, basically, she knew best.  

This really burns my buns.  I think of people who are dying whose loved ones (or even the patients themselves) resist morphine because they might get addicted.  Who cares if they get addicted?!?  They're dying. 

I had a close relative who had some non-mainstream desires when it comes to healthcare, and I acceded to all of them.  Well, there was one scrape where I called her doctor (who was a family friend--she didn't have an actual doctor) because she was refusing to eat, and I didn't know what to do.  The doctor told me it's her life, let her decide what she wants to do.  Which thinking back is so totally obvious I'm kind of embarrassed I had to be told that.

But after that call--if she wants to eat nothing but bacon, who cares?  If she wants to continue to smoke (but turns off the oxygen--safety first!), who cares?  She was dying, for fuck's sake. 

It was hard on me, obviously, but I quickly decided it was my gift to her to butt out, and instead help in any way she wanted.

So anyway, you can imagine how I feel about this poor guy who's dying and just wants a little treat of candy that the nurses even said would do no harm, and anyone resisting it.

[shapeshifter]

Quote

I'm thinking of the title character of Silas Marner in the 19th century novel by George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans).

6 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Uh oh.  Pretty sure we were assigned this in high school, but also pretty sure I didn't read it because I was too busy riding on the hoods of people's cars.  😀

Heh, me too, only engaging in unwise behavior inside the car. 
Cliff's Notes prevented me from screwing up my grades.
I didn't read Silas Marner until I was in my early 20s, living in an art studio down the street from the public library. It really stuck with me. I think I re-read it about 10 years later. 

[shapeshifter]

 

On 8/4/2023 at 2:45 PM, Laura Holt said:

When her father was in the last months of his life he still appreciated a little treat of candy now and then.  We checked with the nurses and they assured us that there was nothing wrong with this - if anything let him have what he enjoys.  Makes sense.  My SIL though was insistent that sugar was bad for "daddy" and tried to get us all to agree that we wouldn't honour his requests because, basically, she knew best.  

10 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

This really burns my buns.  I think of people who are dying whose loved ones (or even the patients themselves) resist morphine because they might get addicted.  Who cares if they get addicted?!?  They're dying. 

I had a close relative who had some non-mainstream desires when it comes to healthcare, and I acceded to all of them.  Well, there was one scrape where I called her doctor (who was a family friend--she didn't have an actual doctor) because she was refusing to eat, and I didn't know what to do.  The doctor told me it's her life, let her decide what she wants to do.  Which thinking back is so totally obvious I'm kind of embarrassed I had to be told that.

But after that call--if she wants to eat nothing but bacon, who cares?  If she wants to continue to smoke (but turns off the oxygen--safety first!), who cares?  She was dying, for fuck's sake. 

It was hard on me, obviously, but I quickly decided it was my gift to her to butt out, and instead help in any way she wanted.

So anyway, you can imagine how I feel about this poor guy who's dying and just wants a little treat of candy that the nurses even said would do no harm, and anyone resisting it.

I assumed @Laura Holt's SIL's Daddy did get his candy in spite of the SIL's totally misplaced good intentions? 
I mean, even if @Laura Holt has "plausible deniability" of it, I am going to assume at least some care giver slipped him some, so long as he didn't have some restrictive diet.

These end-of-life care issues are probably always fraught, even when we read that the rich and famous "died at home surrounded by friends and family." 
At one point my sister didn't want Mom getting pain meds because they made Mom dizzy, and Mom had already had 2 serious falls in her expensive care facilities. 
I was still on chemo then, so didn't argue, but I had misgivings about the whole set up. And still do.

 

[Laura Holt]

Just now, shapeshifter said:

I assumed @Laura Holt's SIL's Daddy did get his candy in spite of the SIL's totally misplaced good intentions? 
I mean, even if @Laura Holt has "plausible deniability" of it, I am going to assume at least some care giver slipped him some, so long as he didn't have some restrictive diet.

Oh we didn't pay any attention to her edict!  We confirmed with the nurses that it could do no harm and that was it.  Since we visited weekly and she visited, at best, every other month,  he got his candy!

21 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

because she was refusing to eat, and I didn't know what to do. 

I'm sure your doctor friend probably told you this but if anyone else has yet to deal with this issue, not eating and drinking is very common as someone approaches end of life.  The body is basically shutting down.  It's normal but it's also something loved ones can get very concerned over, it just seems so wrong.

[Quof]

My grandmother - a cantankerous old woman her entire life - lived to her mid-90s.  She was in a nursing home due to physical limitations, but had all her mental faculties until the last minute. My mother said "If your grandmother had known she was going to live this long, she would have taken better care of herself."  I said "Are you going to pry the cigarettes from her hand now?  Please give me a heads-up, because I want to watch". 

[PRgal]

Okay, I'm finally getting into doing research on my family, especially the branches I have zero info on.  Purchased my test too.  It turns out that two of my cousins (siblings) did a test as well and they said that they were 100% southern Chinese.  Strange, since I was told that someone from the branch we share came from the north.  I asked my dad (who is from that branch) if someone was adopted, but he wasn't sure.  Our family genealogy book doesn't go back thousands of years, so he thinks the more likely situation was someone went north for work and then we back south.  Or it just happened that neither brothers inherited northern genes!  I AM very curious about my mother's side since one great grandfather was apparently an orphan.

[Gramto6]

10 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

This really burns my buns.  I think of people who are dying whose loved ones (or even the patients themselves) resist morphine because they might get addicted.  Who cares if they get addicted?!?  They're dying. 

This was my late husband. It was a hard 2 years. (Let me add I was his sole caregiver, his dr said he didn't need Hospice because he had me! Gaahh!) After a 5 way heart bypass he got infections in the leg with the scar from the vein harvest. Then as a diabetic he lost his leg just above the knee from the infection.  Then basically went blind. During some bloodwork it was discovered he had AML (Leukemia). He went through chemo, fighting to stay alive.  The ravages finally got to him and as he was dying he flat out refused to take the morphine because he didn't want to become a "druggie"!  My God, I don't think he was really accepting the fact he was dying and morphine would ease his pain.  But he would not take it no matter how I tried to disguise it at first, in his liquid meals.  

When he passed the visiting nurse, the only help I had, told me to pour it out because if the wrong people found out I had it, they might break in to get it! Sheesh... By that time I was worn ragged and the thought did pass through my mind to just chug it and be done... As quick as I could, I went out on the property and poured it all out!!

This was back in 1997, Hospice wasn't completely understood, especially by my thoughtless dr.! People didn't understand how it gives caregivers a break and time to take a breath on their own w/out constantly being "on" for every need of the patient. They are angels and I really resent my dr denying me that help.

Oh dear, didn't mean to go so deep into this, sorry if TMI.

[Laura Holt]

9 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

This was back in 1997, Hospice wasn't completely understood, especially by my thoughtless dr.! People didn't understand how it gives caregivers a break and time to take a breath on their own w/out constantly being "on" for every need of the patient. They are angels and I really resent my dr denying me that help.

So much has changed, I hope, since then.  I know though that caregiver burnout is still very much a reality but at the minimum it's acknowledged as existing now!  

[shapeshifter]

9 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

Oh dear, didn't mean to go so deep into this, sorry if TMI.

It's something that needs to be said, and you did it well. 🧸
Hospice care is still spotty, and could easily slip backwards.

Do you think this end-of-life experience being so much more burdensome and horrible than it needed to be, might have maybe helped you get past your grief?  A tiny silver lining in the oppressively overwhelming and seemingly endless storm clouds of death?
I'm thinking of my Mom who repeatedly moaned and wailed for 2 years after Dad's too-quick passing (at 90) until she lost her ability to vocalize (or move) due to Parkinson's, eventually also dying at 90, five years after he passed.

But:

9 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

When he passed the visiting nurse, the only help I had, told me to pour it out because if the wrong people found out I had it, they might break in to get it! Sheesh... By that time I was worn ragged and the thought did pass through my mind to just chug it and be done... As quick as I could, I went out on the property and poured it all out!!

Sound like the nurse may have suspected the real danger to you at that point from the leftover morphine, and, having worked with hurting people within a broken system, had come up with an approach to prevent an unnecessary collateral loss.🧸

When my parents passed, I was very fortunate to have free video access to grief counselors who were truly helpful and healing. They were part of the hospice center where my dad died on the Big Island of Hawaii. Maybe the Aloha spirit influenced their practice.
I wish I lived there now, but it would mean being thousands of miles from my kids and grandkids, which would not be good for either of us, and I really can't afford it.

 

[Gramto6]

@shapeshifter, I hadn't thought of the nurse's comments from that perspective. You may well be right.  I did end up making a try at joining him, but got help and counseling and joined a grief group and finally dragged myself back to somewhat of a normal life.  

The remaining trauma of still living in that same home was what fueled my move from CA to MT 7 years later. It did mean leaving family farther away, but we connect via FaceTime and visited often before Covid, now mostly FaceTime.  It was the biggest help in real healing for me and though I miss the closeness of family, I feel whole once again.

[PRgal]

Had a very successful family get-together today (this was supposed to have been held three years ago, but the pandemic happened, so it's been delayed since then)!  Everyone came for lunch and had an amazing time.  LOADS of leftovers though.  I think we'll be eating that for days.  Okay, maybe not days...but definitely for dinner tonight and maybe more tomorrow.

[Mindthinkr]

    My stepdad lay dying in his hospital bed. He was in pain and moaning. When he was lucid he wanted me. I began my day with him at 7am. I’d go home at 11pm and then would get a call from the nurse at 2am and have to go back in. They were insisting he had 2 pillows under his head (breathing was not his issue) and he never slept with any pillows. When he no longer had lucid moments and was in constant pain I asked his MD for some IV pain relief. (His age was 94). The Dr flatly said no as he didn’t want him to be addicted. I called the head of the hospital on his private cell phone and complained. Dad (what I called him) had pain relief within a hour. I know I’m lucky because I know who pulled the strings there. I feel terrible for any other person suffering and hitting a brick wall when their loved one’s care is concerned. He died peacefully a few days later. 
    I could go into the many wrongs I tried to right, but the memories are still difficult these many years later.

I Hope sharing your story @Gramto6 was cathartic. My condolences. 

Edited August 13, 2023 by Mindthinkr
Loved not lived.

[StatisticalOutlier]

22 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

When he no longer had lucid moments and was in constant pain I asked his MD for some IV pain relief. (His age was 94). The Dr flatly said no as he didn’t want him to be addicted.

Good call.  Because the next thing you know he's going to be out cutting the catalytic converters off cars to feed his habit.  Sheeeeesh.

[shapeshifter]

My middle daughter — who I had not seen in 4 years — finally came for a 3 day visit. She left the day before yesterday, and we've had 2 long phone calls since then. It's amazing how just being present with someone can make a lot of misunderstandings go away.

[Bastet]

32 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

who I had not seen in 4 years

As someone who sees her parents three or four times a month, things like this always startle me at first, and then I, of course, remember there are all kinds of different relationships - not to mention distances between homes!  Most people aren't ten miles apart like we are - and resettle.  (And, of course, there was that whole pandemic thing affecting much of those particular four years.)

I'm glad you had a nice visit, and have followed up with long phone calls.  That's lovely about how simply basking in each other's presence after so long made some issues just slip away.

[GATenn]

On 8/5/2023 at 3:13 PM, Laura Holt said:

This is my family.  My mother and one of her sisters moved away from their hometown when they got married - in different directions.  When we would visit my grandparents we never coincided with when they would visit.  I got to "know" these cousins with the advent of Facebook.  Still haven't met two of them in person and odds are probably never will.

Anyway we never had family who were dropping in distance until my sisters and I had families of our own and managed to all live close to each other.  This is the better way to "family" IMO (assuming you get along of course!)

Same. My father dragged us from Miami to rural Georgia when I was young, and we grew up without family except for the grandparents, aunt, and cousin who followed us. I don't know most of my relatives, and the ones I do know I rarely see. My sister was born in Georgia and knows even less.

My mother has always lamented this - she didn't want to move to begin with (my father told her he was going with or without her) and she grew up around most of her family. Many of them even lived next door or down the street from each other. It's been well over 40 years, and the other day, she actually started to cry over it.

Edited August 16, 2023 by GATenn

[PRgal]

5 hours ago, Bastet said:

As someone who sees her parents three or four times a month, things like this always startle me at first, and then I, of course, remember there are all kinds of different relationships - not to mention distances between homes!  Most people aren't ten miles apart like we are - and resettle.  (And, of course, there was that whole pandemic thing affecting much of those particular four years.)

I'm glad you had a nice visit, and have followed up with long phone calls.  That's lovely about how simply basking in each other's presence after so long made some issues just slip away.

My husband more or less sees his mom once a year at most.  We live in different sides of the country.  We used to be closer, but his mom moved west to be close to his sister when his dad died.  Still closer than my dad was to his (late) parents!  There's an ocean between them.  My two aunts - Dad's sisters - are still in Hong Kong while my dad and his brother came here.

[supposebly]

I see my parents once a year. I emigrated to Canada from Germany. These days I'm less ok with being so far away since it's my siblings who have to deal with my parents becoming older on a more regular basis.

At least I can afford to see them this much.

[GATenn]

I have lived in Nashville for over a decade, and my mother lives outside Savannah. For so many years I saw her three or four times a year (it's a seven hour drive, and that's without getting stuck in Atlanta traffic). When she started having health problems, I took a leave from work and stayed with her for two months.

I'm moving to Savannah next week to be closer. I will only be an hour from my mother, sister, and eventually my father. It's close enough and yet far enough. I just feel like it's the right thing to do.

[PRgal]

9 hours ago, supposebly said:

I see my parents once a year. I emigrated to Canada from Germany. These days I'm less ok with being so far away since it's my siblings who have to deal with my parents becoming older on a more regular basis.

At least I can afford to see them this much.

I don't know what part of the country you're in, but if you're in, say, Toronto, Ottawa or Montreal, flights are what, 7-8 hours?  It takes 16-17 for my parents to get to Hong Kong.

[Laura Holt]

I've never been all that interested in doing a family tree but my daughter is on ancestry.com and last night came across something that she had been unaware of.  She found a reference to a great-great aunt who, according to the 1931 census was in an "insane asylum"*.  I had been unaware of her myself until a few years ago when my Mother started talking to me more and more about her family.    My daughter asked me a lot of questions about that side of the family that I didn't have answers for however.  I wish now I'd been more interested in finding out about all this.

*My grandfather's sister - and she was severely brain damaged in a diving accident when she was in her teens.  I am assuming that back when this happened there were not a lot of resources available and an "insane asylum" was the only alternative.

[AgathaC]

Most of my dad’s paternal family members live in the same state and, growing up, Thanksgiving and Christmas meant getting together with great aunts and uncles and varying degrees of cousins. Also, both sets of grandparents lived in the same town and got along very well, despite a relatively big age gap (my mom was an “oops”). My mom’s parents were regularly invited to the big gatherings and, after my maternal grandmother died, my grandfather was completely “adopted” by my dad’s family.

My mom’s mom’s family was spread all over the South, but there was a weeklong reunion at the beach every summer with, again, lots of cousins, aunts and uncles.

My parents and sisters all live within an hour of me and though we don’t see each other super often, we enjoy a big family dinner on occasion.

It wasn’t until adulthood that I discovered all this isn’t exactly typical — that a lot of people couldn’t name their 20 second cousins on demand.

So, I learned how lucky I was/am.

Of course, now I’m married to an only child who barely knows what little family he has and who’s completely overwhelmed by my sprawling family (and my ability to rattle off dozens of names and connections), so that’s been a bit of a learning curve! 😉

[PRgal]

30 minutes ago, Laura Holt said:

I've never been all that interested in doing a family tree but my daughter is on ancestry.com and last night came across something that she had been unaware of.  She found a reference to a great-great aunt who, according to the 1931 census was in an "insane asylum"*.  I had been unaware of her myself until a few years ago when my Mother started talking to me more and more about her family.    My daughter asked me a lot of questions about that side of the family that I didn't have answers for however.  I wish now I'd been more interested in finding out about all this.

*My grandfather's sister - and she was severely brain damaged in a diving accident when she was in her teens.  I am assuming that back when this happened there were not a lot of resources available and an "insane asylum" was the only alternative.

I'm still waiting on an AncestryDNA kit since I want to find my origins.  I know that it's going to turn out to be mostly southern Chinese, but I have my doubts since people often ask me if I'm some other kind of Asian (and what they themselves are). As I've probably mentioned before, I only know my dad's line, thanks to the kinship book and nothing on many of the women (I only know that one of my great-grandmothers (my dad's paternal grandmother) took over her husband's business after he died young and another had bound feet and was barely literate when she married my maternal grandma's father))  I've heard rumours of addiction issues from one ancestor (opium!!!) as well. 

[Bastet]

3 hours ago, AgathaC said:

Of course, now I’m married to an only child who barely knows what little family he has and who’s completely overwhelmed by my sprawling family (and my ability to rattle off dozens of names and connections), so that’s been a bit of a learning curve! 😉

As an only child, whose mom is an only child and whose dad has a shit ton of siblings (well, he did; most have died by now) but none who live here (he moved away) so only sees her cousins at funerals, I relate very well to your husband -- big families are completely overwhelming, and I have to go periodically escape to preserve my sanity when I'm around them.

Hell, growing up, my best friend was one of three kids, and I found their house overwhelming at times.

[AgathaC]

28 minutes ago, Bastet said:

As an only child, whose mom is an only child and whose dad has a shit ton of siblings (well, he did; most have died by now) but none who live here (he moved away) so only sees her cousins at funerals, I relate very well to your husband -- big families are completely overwhelming, and I have to go periodically escape to preserve my sanity when I'm around them.

Hell, growing up, my best friend was one of three kids, and I found their house overwhelming at times.

I’ve definitely learned! And he’s learned to be a good sport while also getting comfortable excusing himself to recharge. It’s a balance. I’m an introvert and don’t generally like noise and crowds. It’s easier to tolerate when it’s your own family. But I always try to be mindful.

[Bastet]

I have to explode somewhere, and lucky y'all, it's here.  I was at my parents' house last night to help with some things and make dinner, and called this afternoon to ask my mom a question.  After answering it, she told me she'd woken up in the middle of the night with a hacking cough, wound up sleeping a long time, and is now back in bed.  I asked if she took a COVID test and she said no, my dad had a cold, so she's sure that's what she has.  Oh, I didn't know Dad had been sick recently; he took a COVID test to make sure it was a cold?  No. 

No?!  The hell??  You do not assume you have a cold in the age of COVID.  Go take a fucking test!  Not just for your own stupid sake, but so that if you do have COVID, I, who spent 5-1/2 goddamn hours with you people last night, can respond appropriately.

So, after she had to call me and say they were expired, then have me inform her about extended expiration dates (news to her; I don't know what rock they dwell under) and look up her specific test to confirm it was still good, she calls me back to say she has COVID.*  Which means my dad probably has COVID; he got sick four days ago - WHICH NEITHER OF THEM TOLD ME WHEN I SAID I'D COME OVER - so I was just all kinds of exposed last night.

*Actually, no, she called to say both lines were red and ask me what that means.  Did I manufacture the test?  Do I have the instructions in front of me?  What does the little leaflet say that means?!  I had to look it up online to say that means positive.  (C is control, the line means the test is valid, T is test, the line means antigens are present.)

Then I had to tell her about the anti-virals, and be the one to put in a request for a tele-health call from a doctor (hers is on vacation) to see if she can get a prescription since it's within the window.

Thanks for thinking of me, Mom & Dad.  So glad I'm busting my ass taking care of you people. 

Edited August 17, 2023 by Bastet

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Bastet said:

Thanks for thinking of me, Mom & Dad. 

Keep us posted!🧸

[supposebly]

13 hours ago, PRgal said:

don't know what part of the country you're in, but if you're in, say, Toronto, Ottawa or Montreal, flights are what, 7-8 hours?  It takes 16-17 for my parents to get to Hong Kong.

I'm not in any of these cities. I'm in the prairies. It takes over 3 hours to Toronto. I have to book a long layover time since we are almost always late. With the almost guaranteed delays out of Toronto, over 8 hours to Munich and the drive or train to my parents' small town I spend about 18-20 hours to get there. Try flying in Canada from the smaller cities these days. It's a nightmare.

[shapeshifter]

5 hours ago, supposebly said:

Try flying in Canada from the smaller cities these days. It's a nightmare.

My sister has lived in Kincardine for about 40 years. They’ve always booked a hotel in Toronto when they have a flight, because it’s a 2-3 hour drive to Toronto, and the flights always leave early in the morning. At least, the overseas flights do, and they were always either going to our parents in Hawaii or her husband’s parents in Wales, or, after our parents passed, to Spain for the winter.

When my kids were young, I was in rural, inland California on the Oregon border, which meant a minimum of 2 hours by car and 2 flights, even to Chicago.

When traveling to see family, it helps me to think of how prior to the 20th century, if a young couple moved across an ocean or across a continent, likely they would never see their parents or siblings again, and before the 21st century, there were no video chat devices in their pockets.😢

Edited August 18, 2023 by shapeshifter

[supposebly]

4 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

When traveling to see family, it helps me to think of how prior to the 20th century, if a young couple moved across an ocean or across a continent, likely they would never see their parents or siblings again, and before the 21st century, there were no video chat devices in their pockets

Granted, as I said, I'm glad I can afford to visit them and my mom adopted skype as soon as I suggested it 20 years ago. But I do miss Toronto, and flying in and out of a small city in Canada is one of the reasons. At least we have an airport! Although more and more flights have been eliminated over the years. 

ETA: I looked up Kincardine in Ontario. It looks nice!

Edited August 18, 2023 by supposebly

[AgathaC]

17 hours ago, Bastet said:

I have to explode somewhere, and lucky y'all, it's here.  I was at my parents' house last night to help with some things and make dinner, and called this afternoon to ask my mom a question.  After answering it, she told me she'd woken up in the middle of the night with a hacking cough, wound up sleeping a long time, and is now back in bed.  I asked if she took a COVID test and she said no, my dad had a cold, so she's sure that's what she has.  Oh, I didn't know Dad had been sick recently; he took a COVID test to make sure it was a cold?  No. 

No?!  The hell??  You do not assume you have a cold in the age of COVID.  Go take a fucking test!  Not just for your own stupid sake, but so that if you do have COVID, I, who spent 5-1/2 goddamn hours with you people last night, can respond appropriately.

So, after she had to call me and say they were expired, then have me inform her about extended expiration dates (news to her; I don't know what rock they dwell under) and look up her specific test to confirm it was still good, she calls me back to say she has COVID.*  Which means my dad probably has COVID; he got sick four days ago - WHICH NEITHER OF THEM TOLD ME WHEN I SAID I'D COME OVER - so I was just all kinds of exposed last night.

*Actually, no, she called to say both lines were red and ask me what that means.  Did I manufacture the test?  Do I have the instructions in front of me?  What does the little leaflet say that means?!  I had to look it up online to say that means positive.  (C is control, the line means the test is valid, T is test, the line means antigens are present.)

Then I had to tell her about the anti-virals, and be the one to put in a request for a tele-health call from a doctor (hers is on vacation) to see if she can get a prescription since it's within the window.

Thanks for thinking of me, Mom & Dad.  So glad I'm busting my ass taking care of you people. 

Ugh! Not a family issue, but last year, the pastor at our church came to preach despite having “a cold.” Did she take a COVID test? No. Did she warn me and my husband before we sat three feet away from her for an hour (Hubs is the part-time organist and I turn pages)? No. Did she say something before she and I rehearsed a duet we were doing the next week? No. Big shocker, I caught it. It did turn out to be a cold, but still…

Worst of all, she baptized a 10-month-old baby that Sunday — one who was born premature and has struggled with health problems her whole life. I would hope she at least warned her parents, but given she said nothing to us, I doubt it.

This is a very progressive church, so not one of those “Jesus will save us/science is bad/no masks” places, so I guess I expected better.

I hope you are and stay negative!!

Edited August 18, 2023 by AgathaC

[Laura Holt]

5 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

When traveling to see family, it helps me to think of how prior to the 20th century, if a young couple moved across an ocean or across a continent, likely they would never see their parents or siblings again, and before the 21st century, there were no video chat devices in their pockets.😢

I remember thinking this back in the pandemic when lockdowns happened.  People were complaining but at least they had (or most of them had) multiple resources available to stay in touch with family and friends.  My great grandparents emigrated to Canada at the turn of the last century and never saw their European based family again. 

[AgathaC]

15 minutes ago, Laura Holt said:

I remember thinking this back in the pandemic when lockdowns happened.  People were complaining but at least they had (or most of them had) multiple resources available to stay in touch with family and friends.  My great grandparents emigrated to Canada at the turn of the last century and never saw their European based family again. 

My grandfather once told me the story about how his newly widowed grandfather packed up his three young kids and moved four counties over to be closer to his married daughter (who agreed to help with her much-younger half siblings). They didn’t even leave the state, but they said goodbye to other family and friends expecting to never see them again. Of course, the automobile was invented and travel became easier, so they did see them years later, but they had no way to predict that.

[Bastet]

18 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Keep us posted!🧸

The update is they both have it because they're blithering idiots!  It turns out, these morons only got the original vaccine series (two doses for him, three doses for her since she's immunocompromised) back in 2021.  Never got the booster of that original vaccine, never got a single dose of the bivalent booster.  So, basically, they're unvaccinated. 

I'm even more angry with them now, but they are my parents and my mother is quite vulnerable given her age and health, so of course I am still helping them.  My dad is just barely within the window to take the anti-viral (you have to start it within five days of the onset of symptoms and he's on day four), but he has a mild case and his symptoms are lessening, so isn't going to.  That's reasonable.  My mom is not eligible for the pills because of her terrible kidney function, but can get it via IV infusion.  Which she refused; boo hoo, she doesn't want to go in every day for three days.  That's not reasonable, given her risk factors and how sick she is.  So the tele-health doctor called me, I emailed her regular PCP, and she's set up for those starting tomorrow.  My dad will have to haul her about 45 minutes each way to the closest place she can get it done.  Good.  I hope traffic is terrible. 😏

So now I - boosted four months ago - wait to see if I get it (my dad coughed all over me, so I'm sure I will) and, if so, how sick I get.  At least I'll be on top of it and can (as far as I know) take the anti-viral if my doctor and I think that best.  But I have been so careful, as I do not want this damn virus -- I have a couple of underlying conditions that mean it could be worse for me than the average bear, and I certainly don't want to wind up being a long-haul case.  I had no idea I needed to add "Stay away from parents" to my list of precautions.

Good grief, the other reason I was being diligently cautious about reducing my exposure risk was not wanting to spread it to them.  I had no idea they didn't care about the risk of spreading it to me.  I'm angry at them risking their own health this way, but I'm hurt by them cavalierly risking mine.  Not telling me - who sees them three or four times a month - they didn't keep up with the vaccines is one thing, but I just cannot get over my dad being sick, not testing to see if it was COVID, and not saying one word about being ill when asking me to come over.  I thought he was coughing because of a dry throat!

[emma675]

@Bastet I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed you don't get it and your mom heals quickly. I have some autoimmune things and I really, really don't want to get Covid because I feel like it would turn into long haul side effects. I need to look into what the latest vaccine is and when it's available. 

[shapeshifter]

Never mind. 

Edited August 18, 2023 by shapeshifter

[StatisticalOutlier]

1 hour ago, Bastet said:

Good.  I hope traffic is terrible.

Snort.

[ABay]

Jesus. @Bastet, you're really going through a rough time this month. My fingers are crossed for you and your family, human and feline.

[Gramto6]

3 hours ago, ABay said:

Jesus. @Bastet, you're really going through a rough time this month. My fingers are crossed for you and your family, human and feline.

@Bastet I second these thoughts, sending good vibes your way. (((HUGS)))