Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[Betweenyouandme]

No, she hasn't. I wear hospital gloves, and the cat is indoors strictly. I figure I'm practicing good hygiene, and he's so old, I've probably already gotten toxoplasmosis if he has it.

I'm going to prenatal yoga most weeks. I'm not upset about my weight just didn't feel too great to see a gain of 5lbs in 2 weeks. I can't keep that up. Hoping some of it is fluid but will back down on sugary cookies and pizza. The rest of what I eat isn't too bad, and I have been much more active than first trimester. Had a dream last night that my cyst grew to watermelon size. Ha, not quite, but that doesn't help. It was grapefruit sized 2 weeks ago and can't do too much actual exercise.

Edited May 21, 2015 by Betweenyouandme

[Betweenyouandme]

Oh, no! Sorry if I'm coming off rude. I appreciate any and all advice or tips. I just wanted to respond about what I'd been thinking or what I'd done. I google or ask my doctor or my dad about every tiny question that pops into my head. I definitely don't think I'm an expert though! Not at all. I knew going in I was a worrier, but I never thought I'd be as scared about this baby as I am.

(I've also looked into water aerobics but not seeing anything appropriate nearby).

I understand not wanting certain things to go past the nuclear family. I think the way that desire is expressed is extremely important, too. I just don't like people arguing at all. My mother gets extremely high and mighty. She also tends to tell my business to "family friends." Well, they aren't my friends, and I do get upset reading something about myself in a letter I never gave her permission to talk about. As much as I ask her to keep in confidence about specific things, it is a rarity to find she has. I try to tell myself it's no big deal in the long run. It's the disrespect I can't always snap my fingers and get over. Also hope that doesn't come off as rude. Just sharing my experience. I've no idea if this is a similar situation!

[Maharincess]

Betweenyouanme, I don't think you could be rude if you tried. You're a sweetheart.

[DeLurker]

I am getting a little lost with the threads in this forum: Unhappiness, Chit chat, Family. I enjoy the discussion but forget which thread I am in or where I read something. 

I'm crossing over from a texting topic we were having in Pet Peeves (I think)....my SIL, who I have a deep seated hatred for, will text my friend a zillion times with texts starting 9-1-1 when there is a problem she is trying to get him to take care of or has questions about how my brother is doing in the hospital (25 words or less: it's too long to go into but they are financially effed and she is doing nothing to help; he's unable to work now, she's useless and always has been).  My friend works nights so sleeps days and he'll wake up to 10+ "urgent" texts from her.

[Betweenyouandme]

Thanks :)....yay! I'm happy. Weighed myself today, and it's two pounds down. Hoping some of it really was bloat. Phew. Now still sticking to only eating nutritious foods for a while.

[Bastet]

I figure I'm practicing good hygiene, and he's so old, I've probably already gotten toxoplasmosis if he has it.

 

You'd have to practically eat the poop to get it (even if your cat a) was infected - which as an indoor cat, he is unlikely to be/have ever been - and b) happened to be shedding the parasite at the time you touched the poop and then touched your mouth).  Sounds like you're on top of it, but the CDC gives a nice, simple breakdown for pregnant women. 

[Maharincess]

No, she hasn't. I wear hospital gloves, and the cat is indoors strictly. I figure I'm practicing good hygiene, and he's so old, I've probably already gotten toxoplasmosis if he has it.

I'm going to prenatal yoga most weeks. I'm not upset about my weight just didn't feel too great to see a gain of 5lbs in 2 weeks. I can't keep that up. Hoping some of it is fluid but will back down on sugary cookies and pizza. The rest of what I eat isn't too bad, and I have been much more active than first trimester. Had a dream last night that my cyst grew to watermelon size. Ha, not quite, but that doesn't help. It was grapefruit sized 2 weeks ago and can't do too much actual exercise.

I have to take a minute to thank you for having an indoor cat. I get so sick of these so called responsible pet owners who let their cats roam free. This should probably be in Pet Peeves but I hate owners who don't keep their cats inside. They think its ok for their cats to use other people's yards as their litter boxes, kill birds and other small animals and potentially get hit by a car. Their excuse is that their cats want to go out and its "hard" to keep them inside.

Bull crap. All of my cats have been indoor cats and they've been just fine.

[DeLurker]

So some of the good!

 

One of my SILs is a high school teacher (pre AP chemistry and level).  Each year she spends her own time meeting with her students for study sessions before major tests.  This is outside of before school or after school sessions she holds.  She'll meet with them at a local Starbucks to answer questions, check work or give informal reviews.

 

ETA: Late breaking query

One of my neices just emailed me (our weekly chit chat) that her son will be repeating 2nd grade.  No mention of why he was struggling.  Her family has been through a lot on the past 18 months - she separated from her son's father, started a new relationship (who is now in jail), had a new baby (with the new relationship), etc...clearly, things have been quite unsettled in her son's life for the past 18 months.

 

Feels like I should acknowledge the statement somehow, but as I started to draft out a response (basically he's been through a lot) I realized this might be interpreted as "and it is your fault".  Which I am not trying to say and I am very careful about what I do say as I am the only one left in the family that she communicates with other than her parents (who have raised her with the outlook that the rest of the family looks down upon them because they are not as well off or eductated).

 

Any ideas as to how to tactfully handle this?

Edited June 1, 2015 by DeLurker

[Betweenyouandme]

I'd ask her in person or on the phone at least how she and her son feel about it. If he's not upset, and she's not surprised or upset, I wouldn't say much more.

[DeLurker]

Thank you!  That is such a straight forward approach, but one that I completely overlooked! 

 

I'm probably over thinking everything with her because I think she's a good person who grew up in a pretty f'd up environment (it pains me to say she has been the most mature person in her family since she was 12 and there are only my brother, his wife and her).  She's still pretty young (27ish) in my ancient eyes, has made some not-great decisions, but works hard to take care of herself and her family.  But it is fair to say my brother and his wife have always been a raw nerve looking for slight where none existed.  I'm pretty surprised that she still communicates on a regular basis with me.

[Betweenyouandme]

She might think you are going to hold her past mistakes or wrongdoings against her for anything else that goes wrong. It might even be subconscious that she thinks that.

I do that when I have another bout of bad news to tell my family. My stream of consciousness goes...."oh, just let me say what I have to say and please don't react negatively and blame me! I know it's my or partly my fault, and I don't want to see the disappointment or hear the endless questions and advice."

I'm just going by that, but of course she may very well want to talk about it and get advice. Hard to say until you feel her out.

At any rate, I hope things go better next school year and your relationship stays on track.

[DeLurker]

Update:  I sent her an email asking how her son was handling being held back and her  as well, with the statement I did not mean to pry and it was entirely up to her if she discussed it.

 

Anyway, she said it was because of an end of the year reading benchmark score, he was getting As in all his other classes and she had spoken with the teachers/administration about how she can help him work on it through the summer.

 

I had read some articles that indicated the 3rd grade reading level was critical to the schools so more kids were being held back if they were a bit low in reading in the 2nd grade.

 

I think my niece lacks an adult who she knows loves her, wants the best for her and doesn't  think they have all the answers.  Plus, when she makes mistakes, encourages her on how to move forward from there and not dwell.  All my nieces and nephews know I'll call them a dumbass when they make a dumbass move, but that is about the extent of criticism they'll get from me.

 

Anyway...thank you for the suggestions on how to address it.  I really was drawing a blank!

[ramble]

DeLurker as an overthinker I completely understand struggling to come up with an approach. I go through 20 different possible scenarios in those type of situations if I let myself. I can even overthink my overthinking.

My oldest needed some intensive reading intervention. The issue wasn't discovered until she was in the 2nd grade. Fortunately she was in a school willing to do whatever it took to work with her & I had parents willing to help me get her into some awesome, but expensive, classes. She's doing great now. She still doesn't enjoy reading & may never truly love it (which breaks my reader's heart) but she gets all As in an intensively academic high school program.

[Betweenyouandme]

I'm glad you two had a nice talk!

[Maharincess]

My granddaughter is winning her school's reading award next week on the last day of school!!

She's only 6, she'll be 7 at the end of this month and reads at a fifth grade level and higher. Nobody as young as she has ever won the award. She gets a 100 dollar Amazon gift card to buy books. Which PERFECT because I got her a Kindle for her birthday.

She finishes her reading assignments and helps the other kids in the class with theirs. She also won the kindness award for helping.

She amazes me when she reads to me. She spent the night last night and was reading to me. I saw some words coming up in the book that I was sure she would need help with, 2 examples are therefore and technically. She read those words with no problem at all.

She'll have to stop sometimes and ask me what a word means but she can sure read them.

When she spent the night she had her clothes, pajamas and 4 books in her backpack. She would rather read than do anything else. My mom was the same say, so am I and my daughter is a huge reader too. 4 generations of book loving women!

I'm so proud of her. I can't think of 2 better awards to win. Best Reader and the Kindness award.

[Betweenyouandme]

Congratulations!!! That's wonderful! Very impressive.

[DeLurker]

That's awesome!

 

A totally unsolicited book recommendation for her - The Willoughby's by Lois Lowry.  It is a wonderfully skewed story that I think is just so well written.  It seriously makes my Top 10 list of all time favorite books.  Just the cover delights me - it reads "A Novel.  Nefariously Written & Ignominiously Illustrated by the Author".  It uses some big words, but includes a andy glossary in the back which is a hilarious read on its own.

 

I read it to my daughter in the 2nd grade and we both reread it on a regular basis (she's 14 now).

[Maharincess]

Thanks! I'm so proud of her. And this is a kid who never went to preschool. My daughter was a stay at home mom before my granddaughter started school so my daughter was her preschool teacher.

I'm so excited to give her the Kindle for her birthday. She wants one so bad. She has as many books on my Kindle as I do.

I can't wait until she's old enough for me to pass my original Judy Blume books on to her.

When my kids were young my husband worked until 11pm. Every Friday night we'd have breakfast for dinner (something we've done every Friday forever) then after dinner we'd turn the TV off and have family reading night. We'd all read our own books to ourselves then each kid would read to me, then I'd read to both of them.

Edited June 7, 2015 by Maharincess

[backformore]

When my kids were young my husband worked until 11pm. Every Friday night we'd have breakfast for dinner (something we've done every Friday forever) then after dinner we'd turn the TV off and have family reading night. We'd all read our own books to ourselves then each kid would read to me, then I'd read to both of them.

Breakfast for dinner was our tradition when my husband traveled for his job.   Pancakes, eggs, bacon, whatever -  not a substantial enough dinner for my husband, but the kids loved it.  

We also "camped'  in the living room on those nights - sleeping bags on the floor, camping lantern, popcorn, board games.  fun times.

[Bastet]

My mom and I used to have breakfast for dinner sometimes when my dad was gone, too.  Usually waffles, because he didn’t much care for them, even for breakfast.  And sometimes she’d let me sleep with her, so the cats and I would go to bed to watch TV, and I think I’d be conked out by the time she joined us.  It’s kind of funny that it was a treat for me, because as an adult I hate sharing a bed.  I think I just liked the king-sized bed and, especially, the TV.  I’m sure she was glad when I grew out of wanting to do that, because she likes having the bed to herself, too.

 

It's funny the things you don't think about as a kid, like my mom giving up some of her chances to have the bed to herself or how she'd sleep in the middle of the bed sometimes, probably with her head falling off between the two pillows, because if I'd get scared or sick and want to crawl in with them, I'd usually go over to her side since she wakes up easier than my dad.

 

I remember my dad liked when I was sleeping next to him, because I'd let him know he was snoring by nicely tapping him instead of hitting him or yelling at him like my mom (again, fast forward and I am completely different -- snoring is a "go sleep somewhere else" offense).

[Maharincess]

We've had breakfast for dinner every Friday for as long as I can remember. There are so many different breakfast meals that we never got tired of it.

I love eating them but I hated the nights we had omelettes. You can only make one at a time and by the time I made mine everybody else was done eating.

My daughter and son in law do breakfast for dinner every Friday too.

My granddaughter sleeps in bed with me when she spends the night. She's a kicker and not the easiest to sleep with. She cried when I suggested getting the air mattress out so we'll keep sleeping in the same bed when she comes.

Edited June 10, 2015 by Maharincess

[callie lee 29]

 

Family... can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

Actually, you can... or so my grandmother thought. Luckily, (for my mom, dad and I) she wasn't very good.

[DeLurker]

I have a bad habit of sitting with one leg up (so there's a knee visible in front of my shoulder.  I do it without thinking so it would even happen at the dinner table so my formative years were full of Mom telling me to sit like a human.

 

When I was in my 20s, an uncle, Mom's brother, came to visit from Taiwan.  We were sitting around after a meal talking when I noticed he was sitting the exact same way that I did.  I pointed it out to my Mom and said "tell him to sit like a human too!".  Much laughter followed.

 

My 14 yo daughter sits the exact same way at the dinner table.  If it is just us at home having a casual dinner, I don't say anything.  I do remind her if we have company or at someone's house, not to sit that way.

 

I'm thinking it is genetically coded.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

[Maharincess]

DeLurker, I'm sitting that way now. With your arm pit kind of resting on your knee? I sit like that all the time. My car's favorite place to sleep is on the opposite leg.

Edited June 17, 2015 by Maharincess

[DeLurker]

My car's favorite place to sleep is on the opposite leg.

I know this is a typo, but it made me laugh!

 

And glad to know that other's find this position comfortable too.  I can't think of anyone I've met who sits like that.

 

My Grandma used to go nap in her truck.  Their house was pretty small and noise carried but the small garage was separate from the house and tended to be cooler, much darker and quieter - especially when her horde of grandchildren were visiting.  As a kid, this made her the most interesting person I have ever met.  In retrospect, Gram was very interesting - not educated, but highly intelligent, extremely direct, great sense of humor, a rule breaker from wayback.  I think no matter when she born, Gram would always be 20 years ahead of her time.

[Bastet]

In his late 80s, my grandpa used to take a nap in his car in the driveway every morning that the sun was shining.  He'd go get the paper, sit in the passenger seat to read it (with that door open), and then fall asleep.

[DeepPoet117]

I have a bad habit of sitting with one leg up (so there's a knee visible in front of my shoulder.  I do it without thinking so it would even happen at the dinner table so my formative years were full of Mom telling me to sit like a human.

 

When I was in my 20s, an uncle, Mom's brother, came to visit from Taiwan.  We were sitting around after a meal talking when I noticed he was sitting the exact same way that I did.  I pointed it out to my Mom and said "tell him to sit like a human too!".  Much laughter followed.

 

My 14 yo daughter sits the exact same way at the dinner table.  If it is just us at home having a casual dinner, I don't say anything.  I do remind her if we have company or at someone's house, not to sit that way.

 

I'm thinking it is genetically coded.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

 

I used to sit that way too! (I don't do it as much any more; I think my parents trained it out of me.) Apparently my great-grandfather always sat that way too.

[Maharincess]

I know this is a typo, but it made me laugh!

No typo, I have a small car and it likes to cuddle up on my leg!

The only problem is that my cat likes to sleep on my leg too. So the cat gets jealous and it's a big hassle.

You can't tell me that none of you bring your cars in to cuddle.

If you don't...well that's just mean.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Maharincess

[roamyn]

In his late 80s, my grandpa used to take a nap in his car in the driveway every morning that the sun was shining. He'd go get the paper, sit in the passenger seat to read it (with that door open), and then fall asleep.

Been reading a few things in this forum, and I have to say I find this a deliciously quirky, fun bit that makes people unique.

What a great little story abt ur grandfather to pass down.

[DeLurker]

Just posted on peeves about a shirt and it made me think of one of my brothers - unless he is at work or some kind of dress up function, he never wears shirts with sleeves or collars.  In fact, he cuts out both the neck and the arms (so those athletic shirts with no sleeves won't do).

 

He's been doing this since the college years so 3.5 decades.

 

He lives in Florida, so weather is not usually an issue for clothing choice.

 

And my family calls me the particular one - ha!

[Maharincess]

My poor daughter. She had the day off today but volunteered to work so her co worker could visit her dad.

She got to work at 6:00am after being up all night with my sick grandson.

She got off work at noon when the co worker returned.

She's driving home and there was a drive by shooting on the freeway about 2 miles before her exit. The poor thing has been stuck in traffic for the past 4 hours.

Its 100 degrees here today and the air conditioning in her car is broken, they are taking it in Monday to be fixed.

I feel so bad for her. I wish I could go trade places with her so she can go home.

Edited June 20, 2015 by Maharincess

[harrie]

Oh my gosh, what a horrible day she's having.  I'm so sorry.

[Maharincess]

She finally made it home. She texted me a picture of the clothes she was wearing and they were drenched.

I have always told my kids that no matter where you are or where you're going, grab a bottle of water before you leave because you just never know.

She thanked me today for pounding that into their heads.

Edited June 21, 2015 by Maharincess

[Betweenyouandme]

Glad she's home!

That's great advice about the water.

[Quof]

I have always told my kids that no matter where you are or where you're going, grab a bottle of water before you leave because you just never know.

 

What did parents tell kids before water was sold in bottles?   It would never have occurred to my generation that water was something that needed to be carried around.  God knows we were far more active than today's kids. Were we all dangerously dehydrated?

[DeLurker]

We just drank from hoses or ran into the house (or the house of a friends) for a drink.  Only the boys had canteens and they were only brought out if they were going on a hike.

 

I remember when I was about 11 I ran into the house desperately needing a drink of water.  Dad was sitting at the kitchen table reading and had a small glass of water in front of him.  I was so parched I grabbed it and gulped it down.  I immediately turned into a cartoon character of expressions and colors because it wasn't water but straight vodka that I just downed.  On top of that, Dad only ever bought good scotch  - he was perfectly fine with total rut gut vodka.  Dad was greatly amused.

[Betweenyouandme]

How much was in the small glass? Did you feel really strange?

That's funny but hope you didn't get sick!!

My step dad would drink rum and Coke but lie to me that it was just soda. I knew it smelled odd from even when I was really young.

[DeLurker]

It was a very small amount  -  maybe just 2 ounces.  We always had some repurposed jars around that we used as juice glasses and it was in one of those.

 

 

If you go in my cabinets now, you'll find a few.  I'll buy the stuff just for the jar to use as a glass.

[Maharincess]

What did parents tell kids before water was sold in bottles? It would never have occurred to my generation that water was something that needed to be carried around. God knows we were far more active than today's kids. Were we all dangerously dehydrated?

My daughter does get dangerously dehydrated. She's passed out cold more than once from being dehydrated.

Before bottles, there were glasses, cups, containers, all kinds of things. You never know when you'll be stuck somewhere. My daughter thanked me for the water bottle thing when she was stuck in traffic for 4 hours on a hundred degree day.

Edited June 22, 2015 by Maharincess

[ramble]

DeLurker I gulped down my dad's booze by accident one time too. He used to have a glass of seven & seven most evenings, but I wasn't really aware of it. I was probably 8 when I grabbed his glass one night when because I thought it was unfair he got soda. As kids we generally weren't allowed soda. After I took a big gulp & screamed I went in the bathroom & literally washed my mouth out with soap. My loving parents couldn't quit laughing at me.

[backformore]

What did parents tell kids before water was sold in bottles?   It would never have occurred to my generation that water was something that needed to be carried around.  God knows we were far more active than today's kids. Were we all dangerously dehydrated?

We used to go to the park where there were drinking fountains outside - huge stone ones.  indoor public buildings had drinking fountains.  If we were just outside, everyone had a hose in their yard, kids would always turn on the outside water to get a drink.  Some neighbors got mad, most didn't mind as long as you turned the water off afterwards.   we never TOOK water anywhere, just assumed it would be available wherever you ended up.  

 

Yeah, I don't remember anyone getting dehydrated, but we also lived without air conditioning.  I guess kids got sick, we just didn't know it was from not drinking water.

And a pitcher of Kool-Aid was a real treat!  

[Quof]

I have a friend who takes a bottle of water with her absolutely every where she goes, all the time.   She is never without water.   She also has to pee at least once an hour.  She doesn't see the cause and effect relationship.   I have (jokingly) suggested she be tested for diabetes.  It makes roadtripping a real pain in the ass.   For the record, she acknowledges that having to pee constantly is interfering with her day to day living, but refuses to give up the water bottle.

[harrie]

Bottled water comes in very handy up at our garden plot because there is no running water there.  (The fire department delivers water, filling 50-gal drums, every once in a while.)  It's also come in handy when neighboring gardeners have become dehydrated - we've passed around some of our water bottles more than once, and it beats calling 911.  I don't carry it everywhere - one of my sisters does -- but it has its purposes.  

[DeLurker]

I have a friend who takes a bottle of water with her absolutely every where she goes, all the time.   She is never without water.   She also has to pee at least once an hour.  She doesn't see the cause and effect relationship. 

I drink a lot of water and am on the same pee schedule as your friend, but not drinking water doesn't actually make much of a difference for me.  The problem is my body, not the water.

 

When I had to go on blood pressure medicine it got even worse since there is a diuretic commonly put in it.  When I found out I asked my doctor to prescribe me one without the diuretic .

[Mountainair]

I never leave the house without my water bottle. My boys (2 and 5) never do either. I will fill up the bottles for them but it is their responsibility to keep up with them during the day. I drink about 6 or 7 of my Nalgene bottles full of water a day, the boys average about four. They know to ask for water when thristy in our house.

On an unrelated topic I work with family. My husband and his mom own their own busines, blue collar. My father in law works for the company and I fill in when I can (around my kids' schedule. First and foremost I am a SAHM). Three days a week during the school year (both boys were in half day preschool, the eldest will be starting kindergarten this fall) and two days a week during summer I go to the office and handle scheduling, AP, PR etc. (I'm sorry but I'm not making my kids go to work with me all summer, they deserve some down time too). All of that to say, it sure sucks when there is a disagreement in our family. In a lot of families one person can be upset with their inlaws about something and let it pass. With me, I still have to see them everyday and work with them. It's tough towing that fine line sometimes.

[DeLurker]

Wow - that's got to be hard at times.  I used to help out doing the books on my brother's garage on weekends, but that did not last long as there was no basic comprehension of the importance of decent record keeping or watching the bottom line.  My brother is that wonderfully compassionate person who will go the extra mile for a stranger who needs a hand.  Unfortunately, identifing a stranger-in-need and a con is not a skill set he has.

 

My 2 nephews joined us for dinner last night.  They are in their mid 20s.  They stayed after to yak, play a marathon game of Apples to Apples, and for a snack.  It was a very enjoyable evening.

[Maharincess]

Mountainair, that would be rough. Like you said, usually when there's a disagreement within a family everybody can go get some space from each other. Good luck!

I was harassed by my daughter's drunken sister in law last night. She sent me at least 30 texts ranting and raving about my daughter, my grandkids, everything and everybody. I barely know this person. I've met her at kid's birthday parties and things like that but we don't have a relationship.

I didn't respond. I tried to be understanding. I've been sober since 12/29/95, before I got sober I did some really stupid crap. It was so hard to not go off on her but for my daughter's sake I held my tongue.

I did however send her a link to the AA website.

[DeLurker]

Wow...I'd suggest you find a way to keep copies of those (maybe by sending them to your email?) and keep records if she sends you any additional ones in the future.

 

It may never come to anything, and hopeful it won't, but if things escalate with her and she starts to pose a risk to her children, your daughter and her family...it might come in handy if there ever needs to be a restraining order, custody hearing or some other legal matter.

 

Hats off to you for maintaining your sobriety for 19+ years.  And for making the effort to understand that her behavior may stem from problems of her own that she has yet to deal with. 

[Maharincess]

DeLurker, it all started when she called my daughter's house yesterday to talk to my granddaughter. My granddaughter was opening her presents and didn't want to stop to talk on the phone. They told her to call back in 30 minutes. She never called back.

The more this girl drank,in her mind it became that they refused to let her talk to my granddaughter.

She's done stuff like this before while blacked out but never like the things she said last night.

I would assume she's suffering with a bad hangover today.

Thank you.

Edited June 28, 2015 by Maharincess

[DeLurker]

I was reminded by forumfish of a Dad story she told in Pet Peeves...Dad's hearing in one ear has never been ideal since he worked on jet engines when he was in the Air Force.  Despite this hearing deficit, Dad would always answer the phone with that ear.  College aged DeLurker had many of her calls* answered like this:

 

Dad:  Hello?

Caller: Hi, Mr. DeLurker.  May I speak to DeLurker?

Dad:  oh, hi George!  Let me get her.

Caller: This isn''t George.

Dad:  Sorry Kenny!

Caller:  This isn't Kenny.

Dad: Jeff?

 

DeLurker would be dying in the background, desperately trying to grab the phone.

 

*There was only one house phone and my parents refused to let me get one for my room.  Caller ID existed, but my parents wouldn't pay extra for it.