S03.E06: Reunion

[joanne3482]

With their latest target on the run, Ryan and Mike follow a tip to a small town to investigate and confirm he isn't seeking protection. While in town, they both discover an even larger threat who has managed to avoid suspicion up until now. Meanwhile, Max struggles to make a confession.

[morgankobi]

This show is beyond hope, but that dreadlocked guy kinda looks interesting. 

[TheRabbi]

Watching the previouslies really was an unpleasant reminder of how much stupid shit happened in last week's episode.  I go to Beacon at least once a year so I found myself just trying to spot any inaccuracies rather than pay much attention to the episode.

 

To me, the only surprising thing about this episode was the young girl cop actually showing some initiative and freeing herself from the creepy uncle.  That's not something you usually see on this show.

 

As much as I LOVE that Joe is back and chewing scenery again, his big advice that kickstarted the investigation was "maybe one of Strauss's nearby friends"?  Did I hear/paraphrase that right?  Surely the FBI, even this FBI, would have started there?

 

I chuckled when the one investigator said "All our experts say that no one could have possibly survived that fall into the water."  Does any viewer for a second even think that Mark won't rear his ugly head again?

 

Creepy voyeur Tom is really starting to get annoying.  Get over it dude.  I'm not sure why I continue to force myself to watch this.

[opus]

 

To me, the only surprising thing about this episode was the young girl cop actually showing some initiative and freeing herself from the creepy uncle.  

Allison Mack. To be expected.

[TheRabbi]

Also, I chuckled a good amount at an exchange between Mike and Ryan.  Maybe Snookums can provide the actual dialogue, as I've forgotten it and deleted it.  It was after they dug up the bodies (neat gadget btw), and Ryan said something like "they've been buried 10-15 years", and Mike all of a sudden jumped to "sounds like Strauss."  I just thought that was so randomly funny.  I didn't get the exact context right, someone please be more exact with that!

[Such A Flirt]

Oh, Joe Poe, you flirty babe! Didn't mean to make Ryan throw up, did you?

 

Good riddance to that smug schmuck. The new killer is hella creepy; poor wife and kids.

 

And yay, Chloe from "Smallville"! Way to take down that dude from "Revolution"!

[TVHappy9463]

After the first week I kept watching for two reasons. Joe's return and the reveal that Ryan's GF is a bad guy. Ok 1 down 1 to go. Nice to see Allison Mack. Love her.

[ZoloftBlob]

Honestly, I am absolutely certain this show ends with Ryan being stabbed by his crazy follower girlfriend *again*.

[mertensia]

Okay the dolls hanging from the branches was creepy.

Bye Gregg Henry.

I'm surprised Michael Ealy let Daisy go.

[Chas411]

Since there is no way this dreck is coming back for another season I really hope we get some sort of a decent ending...

[sjohnson]

If Max had died, it would just be Ryan/Mike. Sigh. 

 

Michael Ealy looks like Lenny Kravitz to me. 

 

Daisy is still with us? One of the saving graces of The Following season one was the comedy stylings of Emma/Jacob/Paul. Inexplicably the show thought it was Emma who was interesting. Now the show thinks Daisy is interesting? 

[Primetimer]

Who's Strauss's best student? Not who you think!

Read the story

[Snookums]

Maybe Snookums can provide the actual dialogue, as I've forgotten it and deleted it.

 

I hear and obey.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Snookums

[thuganomics85]

Ha!  Strauss is dead, and Ryan and The FBI had nothing to do with it.  It was this new character played by Michael Ealy.  Because, that is how this show works.  The killers end up being their own worst enemy, because the FBI are just so incompetent.

 

Honestly, Allison Mack's character should join up, because throwing coffee in Creepy Tim Guniee's face alone, made her more competent then the majority of these cops.  Most of them probably would have just panicked and whined.  And, no way where Ryan and Michael going to talk him down, so at least she took that risk.

 

I actually did enjoy Michael Ealy, but part of it was because whenever his character was being unemotional, I felt like he was basically playing his Almost Human android character, if he was malfunction and turned into a Terminator.  They just need to add Karl Urban as a gruff guy, consistently bitching about how stupid everyone on this show is, and I might actually like the show without any guilt.

 

Tom has to end up being a bad dude, right?  Again, I don't condone the cheating, but spying on Max is actually making him worse then her, IMO.  But, I guess him hear her say that Michael executed Lily is going to come into play.

 

Seriously... I would be stunned as hell, if Gwen isn't evil.  The way she keeps asking Ryan about info, it's just a big flashing neon sign that she's up to no good.

 

The reunion between Ryan and Joe was fun, although Ryan's a crap negotiator.  He agreed to see him every day, and all Joe gave him was that maybe, just maybe, Strauss has nearby friends that can help him out?  Shouldn't these guys got to that idea on their own?  This even gone beyond Red Reddington from The Blacklist hand-holding level.

[BigBlueMastiff]

Okay did not expect Michael Ealy to return to a family, wow, but upcoming previews make it look like he teems with diner guy on a spree, wtf? And while, I don't condone spying, Max has given Tom plenty of reasons to to trust her. She's such a bad liar, it's so obvious she's hiding something, and not just feelings for Mike. I cut Tom some slack, he's given her lots of opportunities to come clean. And Gwen, speaking of obvious, it's like she's reading from Joe's playbook. Is she his follower?

[opus]

Honestly, I am absolutely certain this show ends with Ryan being stabbed by his crazy follower girlfriend *again*.

She's a doctor. Strauss was a doctor......Maybe Michael Ealy wasn't the best student.

[Snookums]

Okay, so before we get to the weekly shredding, I have to admit up front....

 

Um....

 

This one wasn't quite as terrible as the others.

 

Wait! Come back, let me explain! It's like--that guy you work with? The one who means well; but? The one with no inside voice who keeps repeating "funny" stories and talks endlessly with clients on the phone who are just trying to place a damn order and overshares like its the new day trading? And one day he tells you a joke and it's actually--pretty good? Not fabulous or anything but hey, waaaaaay more then you ever expected from the guy? That was this episode.

 

But fear not, that doesn't mean there wasn't plenty of mock-worthy ridiculousness rampaging at large throughout the hour! Let us begin!

 

Okay, so we sit through the pile of crazy-fucktowniness that was the last week on so we can get to where we all want to be--watching Ryan Hardy confront his own personal five and dime Joker to his Batman, Joe Carroll! YES! YES YES YES! Joe, bring the leavening to this lump of way too self important crap bread!

 

We pick up literally the same second we left off, and oh my darlings, this scene is a joy and a delight because it's all Joe winking and pouting and dropping his verbal handkerchiefs at Ryan's foot and the whole thing is pretty much waiting for the two of them to throw themselves across the table in a fit of bad passion, and it is just wonderful. I cannot believe how glad I am to see Joe again, considering how fed up with him I ended up being by the end of last season. 

 

But anyway! As to the scene proper, they start out just staring, then Ryan decides that this isn't gonna get any easier, throws one of his ever present files on the wristy-chainy table and sits down to endure a big ol' helping of Smarmy, Joe Carroll Style. Joe doesn't disappoint and breaks out the whole "I magically infer everything about you from a single glance thing," which Ryan sits through patiently enough--this is old hat by now--but when Joe hits on "there's a ...lightness to you. Are you in love? Someone new?" he grits out "enough." Can't really blame him for that but way to show your hand right off, there, Ryan.

 

Joe smirks (just assume everything he says and does is accompanied by a smirk, it's like his white Angora cat) that Ryan'll share eventually, and what's up with the visit? Ryan hesitates--then gets up and heads for the door, saying this was a mistake, Joe can't help him. A canny move, since it gets Joe off his Atlantic City Boardwalk Psychic act and focuses him. "Oh, please, spare me the theatrics," he says, "what's in the folder?" Ohhh, this little prima donna just cannot put up with a rival show, can he?

 

Ryan gives himself a little smirk of his own, then turns around with the announcement that Strauss is missing. "Ohhhhh, dear," purrs Joe, "You are in such trouble." Damn, he is enjoying himself. It's been a while since he's had an audience.

 

Ryan presses on, saying he's got no money or ID (so I guess Strauss and Daisy didn't get to take the Briefcase of a Thousand Documents with them when they teleported out of the harbor) and he was last seen in the vicinity of Red Hook; where does Joe think he'd go? I, along with myriad other posters, really don't see why Ryan has to subject himself to more of Joe's squirmy little theatrics just to get this question answered. Strauss was in prison for over a year and presumably his personal life ripped apart, seeing as he was a serial killer mentor and all--it can't be that hard to trace down at least a few of his contacts in the area and extrapolate from there. But this is The Following, where things a huge law enforcement unit should be working on are handled by one guy, so! 

 

Joe asks why he should help Ryan at all: what is he offering? Ryan asks what he wants (since the guy's gonna be executed in like two weeks there's not a lot he can realistically put on the table) and Joe launches into his favorite set piece, You And I Are One. He's all I've made my peace with my predicament but I wonder if you're ready? Ryan's all for a world without you in it? SO READY, BRO, but that's not what Joe means. He basically says remember, if I die, you die, so have you got your affairs in order and picked out what music you want played at the service and everything? Because you know if Mike's in charge it's going to be some nineties grunge ballad or something. 

 

It's kind of iffy here if Joe's just blue-skying that he and Ryan are connected with dark magiks or if he's making a more earthly plane threat that some random leftover Follower of his is set to pick off Ryan if Joe's execution goes down. He seems to realize he's pushed too hard when Ryan asks "What. do. you. want." in a tone that indicates he's halfway out the door here, and bounces quickly over to "hey, bestest buddy!" zone. "I want us back!" he exclaims, and the next minute or so is HILARIOUS, with Purefoy totally playing this as an ex who's coaxed you out for catch up coffee and starts in heavy with how much he misses you and the walks in the rain and the snuggling by the fireplace and this is why this show needs Joe Carroll! As I've said so many times, Purefoy has made his peace with his predicament. He's on a pile of flaming ridiculous garbage, accepts it, and by God this is going to be the biggest flaming ridiculous garbage pile in all Christendom!

 

Ryan is still trying to process this when Joe drops his demand: He wants Ryan to come and see him every day "until D Day. I think I deserve that much at least." And the fact that Joe Carroll can say he deserves anything besides being devoured from the feet up by rabid weasels is why I love James Purefoy.

 

Ryan hesitates between truth--he's KINDA BUSY and doesn't really have time to fly up or down or wherever they're keeping Joe and hang out--and expediency. Truth never wins here, and he says give me something on Strauss and if it pans out I'll be back.

 

Joe has learned something from his latest prison stint and refrains from pushing (DIRTY). He grunts, then outlines what really should be a very easy conclusion for any random person with an eighth grade education, much less a hardened and obsessive chaser of crazed murderers: "What did I do when all hope was lost? I went to the good doctor; he was my mentor and my ally." Blah blah blah and basically just says hey, the guy's got a lot of friends and probably went to hang in one of their basements to play video games. All of this would maybe make a lick of sense if he actually spilled some names, but he doesn't. Ryan just scoops up the file and heads off! So, what was the point of this entire exchange, except to highlight that Joe is awesome and Ryan is an incompetent ninny? 

 

But Ryan hasn't suffered enough today, because before he can flee Joe snags him one last time. "Tell me something, Ryan," he oils, looking like the uncle your family doesn't speak to, "Your dreams. Am I in them?" Blarrrrrghhhhh, Purefoy turned that line into just straight up glow in the dark neon sleaze. Ryan turns to look at him, but takes off without another word as the guards come in to shovel Joe back into his reptile carrier and off to whatever pit they keep him in.

 

Ryan's in the outer ring of All White Prison (Did the guy who was the contractor for Whipped Cream Manor pick up this bid or what?) and heading off when he abruptly asks the guards walking him out, hustles into a handy Men's Room and pukes up everything he's eaten in the last week. Ugh, I don't blame you, Ry-Ry, that was one gross-ass speed date. 

 

We fade into Title Card, then to Max, in her hospital room. Ryan, recovered from his even for him terrible last few hours, is entering with a big smile and a bouquet of flowers. These were clearly bought from a gas station but they're the big bunch instead of the single green carnation and hey, the guy's had a busy day of it! 

 

Ryan gingerly hugs her and says he hopes she feels better than she looks. "Not really," grimaces Max, having apparently not inherited the Stitch 'N Go Quick-Heal Gene that Ryan carries. Bummer. She asks for an update and Kevin Bacon earns the fuck outta his paycheck with one of patented Outrageous Speeches of Exposition the writers adore heaping on him: The DoJ dropped the investigation into the Big Three (Whew!) when the cyber team (you know, the invisible one) proved that the email exchange that cause such a brouhaha in court was a fake. Come again? They proved something? And the attorney that knowingly introduced fake evidence into a federal trial the resulted in the release of a horrifically prolific serial killer is currently being worked over by large humorless people using rusty coat hangers and a bucket of electric eels, RIGHT? 

 

Max, however, is merely concerned as to how it got on the FBI server to begin with (I KNOW SOMEBODY YOU COULD ASK HIS NAME IS MR. STRAUSS'S ATTORNEY ESQ.) and Ryan says he doesn't know but the Bureau needed a fall guy so they suspended Gina. Ohhhhh, NO. Max agrees, at the expense of her bruised up ribs, saying there's no way that was fair, and for how long? Ryan says until her hearing and he tried to take the bullet but the cruel and vicious universe they inhabit decided it was opposite day, so no soap; Gina was in charge so it was her. 

 

Max asks how she's taking it and Ryan says dryly that she's not returning his calls. Here's hoping that's because Gina is all taken up with planning her gigantic lawsuit against her employers and her now needless of delay honeymoon. Hey, if there is anything you can say about Gina Mendez, she's a planner. Anybody who organized a wedding like hers cannot be thrown by a few arrows of outrageous fortune.

 

The show decides we've had enough hyperbole and a half for the moment and sends Tom "Evidence? What evidence?" in to break things up. He's apparently there to check her out and get her settled and totally not to act like a complete creeper who hasn't told the woman he loves, who's been subjected to repeated attempts on her life, about that whole "rooms with a view" thing. Max leans into his embrace, clearly wishing she could enjoy this without that nagging guilt of having slept with her ex. Oh, well, there's no way he can know!

 

Cityscape transition and we're back at the "Every Time We Try To Name It After Somebody That Person Threatens Us With A Slander Lawsuit" Federal building! And apparently bustling hallways have officially replaced staircases as the Location of Dramatic Happenings because we're in for another treat as Mike runs up panting like a puppy for news of Max--yes, it's the "I blame you and you blame me" angry convo between two male agents who completely inexplicably still have jobs after that horrendous FUBAR of an escape last night! Yayyyyy! These never get old!

 

Back and forth, back and forth they go, Ryan all indignant about Max being beaten six inches thinner because Mike left her alone and Mike all "I'm totally ignoring the fact that Mark got away because of your touchy feely bullshit" and they wind up with the cliche' of "Not going to argue, let's just work together to catch them" and then they swing into the personnel filled office, all of whom just witnessed this through the glass walls! Ahhh, there's The Following incompetence I know and adore! Please, God, let somebody have been streaming that live on YouTube or whatever the kids do now.

 

Ryan jumps up front and says before anyone asks, Mendez's replacement has not been named (Oh, RIGHT. That's what they're most worried about, Mister Damning Fights IN PUBLIC) and where are they on Mark Grey? Day Player Agent, having drawn the short straw, has to trot out the ol' gray mare line of "They haven't recovered the body but the experts say there's no way he could have survived the fall into the water" and Ryan and Mike, veterans of people who survive exploding boathouses, don't even give this a nanometer of house room--"He's a cockroach, he survived," hisses Mike, prompting exactly NO ONE to report him as unstable or overly involved or anything based on that giant fight they heard three seconds ago. Ryan clips that they're going to go on the assumption that he's alive until a bullet riddled fish nibbled corpse appears, and moving on! What's going on with Strauss and Daisy? 

 

Day Player, who's the only one in this room filled with people who gets any lines, says they're covering every public camera in the area in real time and they can't have gotten far (Damn, this poor actor must have a whole string of Cliche Bingo cards at home in his sock drawer).

 

Ryan shows why he's the brains of this outfit by saying that Joe Carroll suggested that Strauss could have a student, like Andrew or Kyle (RRRRRGH THEY LIVED IN OHIO) living nearby who's helping him. Nobody in this room even blinks at the thought that maybe, just maybe, this is a line of thought that highly trained expert law enforcement types might have started pursuing some time ago, or acts insulted that Ryan "Deathbringer" Hardy is consulting with a vicious and amoral dragon like Joe Carroll on this case, or storms from the room bellowing "Peace out, ya motherfuckers!" or anything else that might occur in any sane universe. Mike throws a bit of side-eye, but that's IT. "It could be an ex-student, a patient...we find who's helping him, we find Strauss," concludes Ryan, having apparently finished reading up on this in My Big First Book Of Forensic Science For Three Year Olds. The scene does not end with him being rent asunder by a room full of people who've had all they can take from this guy. Instead....

 

We transition to Ryan at home! He's in his Room of String Art And Floating Obsessions, clearly in the middle of redecorating. The door slams and in walks "I am totally supportive and in no way have any ulterior motives" Girlfriend Gwen! Hooray, this won't be a skin-peelingly telegraphed from space frustrating scene! 

 

"You're still up?" chirps Gwen, in her trademark oatmeal sweater (seriously, does this woman own any colored clothes? She dresses like she's auditioning to be a chameleon in a Ikea store), popping on in for a little info-pumping. Ryan gets up and physically blocks the door (smooth as silk, there, Ryan) and asks how her day was. Gwen's not to be deterred, and just as subtly says "Brutal hey nice collection of mug shots so what's up with your latest murder cases hmmmm? Would you like to have a drink OH I'M SORRY HOW UNSUPPORTIVE OF ME" and basically shows the espionage finesse of a drunken baby llama on an ice rink. She is seriously doing everything but shooting Ryan full of truth serum this entire scene. Why the writers don't just slap a "PLANT" Miss America-style sash on her is beyond me.

 

This goes on and on and on, Gina pushing Ryan blocking, until Ryan finally pulls the "I don't want to taint what we have with this darkness" thing (hey, maybe working with your door closed from now on, guy?) and Gina whips out her No More Lies Saturday Night Special, and GAAWWWD  just cut to the damn chase already and have Gina stab him or hang him out the window or something!

 

But no, the show settles for Gina's methods to finally get Ryan to start explaining about those piles of passports and so on from the captured Strauss briefcase, and how they're impeccable, the best he's ever seen, and how whoever did this was able to create "full, three demensional identities." Um, so...what? Computer Expert guy built androids? Because I don't get where the third dimension comes in otherwise.

 

Gina, trying to act like she's not taking notes for a future quick escape plan, asks so this is the guy who panted the fake emails on the server? And Ryan's all yep, Strauss sure lucked out with having a hacker genius in his back pocket. 

 

And speaking of, here's said hacker genius, and no DUH he's an expert at computers because he's being played by Michael "Robot With Feelings" Ealy! Okay, I promise that's the last Sci Fi joke. HG is tapping away on a laptop, pulling up fingerprints, Strauss's picture--and a shot of "Introducing Fake Evidence Is Super Okay With The Bar" lawyer guy! Oh, dear, he's a loose end, isn't he? Well, at least he's being interrogated somewhere about what he knows concerning this dark cabal of nefarious evil, right?

 

Or, he could be packing up after a day of work in his office downtown. That makes total sense too. Which is lucky because that's exactly what we see next. He heads out to the elevator, which is being HACKED RIGHT THIS SECOND by mystery HG, and apropos of nothing hot DAMN is Michael Ealy gorgeous because even the blue corpsy light off his computer and that dred mop on his head cannot dial down his beauty. Anyway! Soon To Be Eliminated Lawyer Whom Nobody In The Criminal Justice System Seems To Be Taking An Interest In, Worse Luck For Him, is on the elevator, blissfully unaware of his coming fate. HG fucks with said lift until the doors open on the wrong floor, refuse to close again, and the lights go off. Apparently this guy was the perfect patsy for Strauss and Co. because he has no survival instincts at ALL. Seriously, he just helped a mass murderer escape and doesn't seem the slightest bit weirded out. 

 

With an exasperated humph, the guy hops off the recalcitrant elevator and out the nearest exit, which leads to the usual creepy and horribly lit warren of rooms that is The Following's stock in trade for chase scenes. The guy strolls around, not a care in the world, finding his way up to what's apparently the parking garage, and FINALLY seems to twig that things just ain't quite right; he looks over his shoulder warily, right before his phone buzzes. Picking it up he sees a picture--of him in the parking garage.

 

Okay, that's enough to get even this guy's pituitary to spit some adrenaline, and he picks up the pace, run-trotting towards the exit--which is locked. Well, that'll give him a chance to make friends with this dark and forboding figure that's coming up behind him! "Who are you?" he squeaks, and is not reassured by the answer "A friend of Dr. Strauss." 

 

"Hey, I did what I was told--I got his case thrown out!" exclaims the guy, apparently under the delusion that sadistic sociopaths play by some kind of rulebook. He goes on that he's protected, hold on, there's no need for violence! getting more and more frantic, and rightly so, because HG guy has just lit a portable blowtorch, eek! 

 

"There's always a need for violence," HG hisses, and raises the blowtorch as guy pounds on the door and screams. Man, good thing nobody else came down here for their car or anything. This is also the last we'll hear of Attorney Guy, as is this show's wont. Yep, no worries over Strauss's legal team being steam ironed or blowtorched or anything like that! 

 

Whew, finally done with this first chunk! Coming up: Once you know Superman you are forever above the masses.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Snookums

[Watchtoomuch]

As for that last bit with the lawyer, seriously, doesn't anyone ever try to fight or protect themselves against followers? I was saying to the Mrs. , sure why would you oh I don't know, kick the guy down the stairs? Take a swing at him? Knock the torch out of his hand? Nahhhh just turn your head, pound the LOCKED door and scream. The psycho killer will likely be scared by this and retreat immediately. Gahhhh

[Snookums]

Okay, time for part two of Reunion! They're always a bad idea, even if your problem is just seeing how fat everybody's gotten and realizing you're fat too and not getting a bunch of crazy killers together to reminisce.

 

Okay back to Forever Nameless Fed Building, Hunting Crazy Killers HQ. Ryan strides in, all set to lecture everybody on the best way his very dear friend Joe Carroll says to catch a killer. "Whatta we got?" he enquires, and Day Player Agent drops the ball! saying that they can't find anybody with the slightest connection to Strauss. Ryan ain't down with that, insisting that if one of Strauss's former students is in the vicinity of Red Hook, there has to be evidence, right? Well, yes, but there aren't any, is what he's telling you, Ryan. 

 

Female Day Player takes the ball! She says she's checked out all murder cases in the tristate area for the last ten years, and nothing. Ryan pauses a second, and with a wriggle and an oomph, Competent Ryan Hardy fights his way out to briefly take over. I love these bits. "No," he says, "Not murder. Pull up missing persons cases in the last ten years. Strauss's students are smart,"  Mike mutters a reluctantly admiring agreement, but Ryan doesn't really acknowledge his presence, until he chimes in that the best way not to get caught is to never have the body turn up. "Exactly," says Competent Ryan, fighting to stay in control for just a few more minutes. 

 

FDP says she's got the info, and Ryan utters my favorite line of the episode; "Okay, now subtract out scofflaws and runaways." SCOFFLAWS, squee! Maybe he'll call somebody a ne'er do well or a rapscallion next! 

 

Alas, no, we're too busy subtracting out said scofflaws and runaways, but none of the results match up to cases within a one hour drive of Strauss's home (So not OHIO, then? Hmmmmm?) Competent Ryan clutches desperately and says expand it to two hours. Sure, why not? And lo and behold, a town called Beacon in the Hudson River Valley turns out to be the last known location in six of the MP reports! Go, Competent Ryan! I mean, don't go, stay here! Stay here and solve the cases and shut down this horrendous folderoll and fiddle dee dee, please? Please? Oh, no, that's okay. I...I understand. It's just--time goes so slowly while you're away. 

 

But before he goes, Competent Ryan posits that could be a plausible hunting ground for a student, and FDP says Strauss could have taken a boat from the docks to Beacon. Hell, sure he could. He probably could have ridden a water chariot pulled by sea horses for all anybody noticed. Mike says it's a long shot but Ryan says that it's all they have and he's going to check it out. Mike leaps up to go too but Ryan's not sure he's ready to reward Mike with a car trip just yet. The two agents with career and life threateningly dire secrets once again verbally spar it out in front of dozens of fellows, then head out. At this rate they should just strip down, oil up, and mud wrestle in the foyer of the damn building.

 

Cut to said Beacon, where we see Ryan and Mike hopping out of their vehicle at the end of what must have been a very silent, fiddling-with-the-radio type drive up. They walk into what's apparently the sheriff's office, and we see a Standard Issue Balding Small Town Lawman With Territory Issues denying any link to anything anywhere ever, but that's not important because behind him, sitting at a desk, is Chloe from Smallville! YES! Those damn murderers don't stand a chance, hurrah!

 

Mike, unimpressed with Sheriff Hrumph Rumph's declaration that said murderers (Strauss and Daisy) aren't anywhere around, calmly asks for the local missing person reports for the last fifteen years. Deputy Sheriff Chloe (okay, she's not Chloe but they haven't said her name yet) leaps up like an eager beaver to do so, but Sheriff says they're not pulling anything. Gazing at the two FEDERAL AGENTS he says "You're that rogue agent from TV, right? Agent Hardy Lies and all that?" grinning the whole time like a Jack O' Lantern on bath salts. I'd arrest this guy on suspicion of being a mass killer right now, honestly. Or at least obstruction. But Ryan is way too used to needling to even bother pretending to care, and just says not to believe everything you see on TV. 

 

The sheriff assholes on about how the great Ryan's hanging out here in his little station "acting like you've got no respect for protocol." Um, Dude? Did you miss the part about the nest of nutjob butchers in your bucolic little berg, here? Rather then beat the guy about the bald head with his sidearm, Ryan merely grits out that he's kind of pressed for time, and they could really use his cooperation. "Earn it," grins back the sheriff, and if Ryan wants to just fucking lose it and burn this place down I will support him to my last breath.

 

Mike proves his worth by calling time on this crap and whipping open a folder with a stack of eight by ten glossies of the six missing people (side note: I just love how missing people manage to take lovely and full body photos of themselves right before they vanish on TV shows) and saying they were all last seen here in Beacon. Sheriff, bristling at the unspoken "nice job, loser" in Mike's tone, says it's just a coincidence as he and NotChloe reach for the pics and Ryan points out that hey, or it may turn out that Strauss has a student in town. 

 

The sheriff's all nah, it's a small town, I'd know. Yeah, small towns are never havens of dark and horrible human impulses--just ask the families in The Lottery. NotChloe, already sorting through the stack, barely asks permission to do what she's totally doing, and Sheriff knows when to make a strategic retreat, nodding to her. NotChloe's onto something--spotting a pretty blonde in the stack, she asks if he remembers that body they found in the marsh six weeks ago? "She was missing fingers and teeth so we couldn't ID her?" Yes, missing fingers and teeth! Ahh, small town life! (I also love how Sheriff actually has to pause and think for a minute, as if to sort out which murder vic missing its fingers and teeth NotChloe means.) 

 

Ryan pounces on this info and asks if they've got a suspect, and Sheriff, the legs kicked out from under his high horse, mutters they haven't gotten too far in the investigation. Ryan asks if he could be shown where the body was found, and NotChloe chirps up "I could do that, easy-peasy!" Awwwww! Between easy-peasy and scofflaw this is the most adorable episode of a show about ice-souled serial killers ever!

 

A pause, but everybody knows how this is going to shake out, and Sheriff only says wearily "keep me in the loop" as NotChloe trots out the door, wagging her tail with Ryan right behind, and Mike contenting himself with the briefest of "uh-HUH, bitch?" glances in his direction before following them. Hee hee hee.

 

Cut to the more boring/infuriating storyline; Max and Tom back at her apartment of sex, lies, and videotape. Max starts us out by saying she owes him an apology, but not for banging her ex; "I've been--distracted, lately." Tom tries to give her an opportunity by saying it seems to be coinciding with Mike being back in town, but Max doesn't take the bait, saying NO THAT'S NOT IT with just a leetle too much emphasis, and that it's just the huge rash of murders and accusations by crazed killers with invisible brothers in their heads and all that shit. It's distracting! 

 

Tom "It's not creepy when I do it" counters, saying that whenever he's around the two of them it feels like there's unfinished business. Oh, I dunno, it looked pretty finished to me! (Rim shot.) Max is still in NOPE land, though, and denies everything. It would be a hell of a lot easier to be on Tom's side here if he hadn't A) stolen evidence in a multiple murder investigation, B) kept witholding said evidence to indulge his obsession with his cheating GF, and C) FAILED TO INFORM SAID GF THAT THERE'S A BUNCH OF CAMERAS SENDING OUT A LIVE FEED IN HER APARTMENT. Oh and D) the lack of any plausible explanation as to why in the frozen hells of the North Strauss had these cameras put in in the first damn place, but that one's not really on Tom per se. 

 

This brutally awkward conversation is brought to a fortunate pause by a knock at Max's woefully under security-ed door. Tom hops up to answer, since Max is still in owie owie OUCH land when she tries to move around, and swings open the door to reveal--GWEN. OKAY, SURE. I mean, yes, rationally it makes sense that Ryan would ask Gwen the doctor to check in on Max and Tom can't hang around her place forever (even given the apparent casualness among the agents chasing killers as to when anybody can drop in at their place of work), but it is so, so, sooooo obvious that Gwen is here to pump for more info and act creepy and shady and just generally do everything but spray paint SUSPECT ME across Max's walls.

 

Gwen strolls in, saying she's here to check up on the patient, and Max does a cute little peace sign in greeting as Tom says good timing since he's got to get to work. At what, three in the afternoon? Yeah, why not swing on by and see what's shaking? He heads out as Gwen settles and asks how Max is doing? Max says great, Tom's been amazing, "too good to be true." And Gwen responds by saying "Yeah, those are the ones you have to watch out for. they're always hiding something!" Tee hee, girl talk! That totally was not a completely bizarre and inappropriate thing to say, at all! Gwen is nothing but a good friend! Nothing to see here! 

 

Max, though, being in a haze of pain and guilt, misses that wide open signal of I'M HERE TO FUCK YOUR LIFE UP and merely says that if anybody's hiding anything it's her, not Tom. We know this because Tom apparently speed-bolted down to his car in order to watch these two on the Living Room cam. Yesssssss, again, not creepy or weird or wildly out of bounds as both a boyfriend and a cop! 

 

Back in the apartment, Gwen says "Okay, spill" in a tone that combined with the cross cuts to Tom's viewing of the scene, seems to suggest she and he are in it together and Gwen's deliberately trying to get Max to say something confirming--what he already knows. That doesn't make a shred of sense but hey! What show are we watching? That's right! 

 

And enough of that, thank God! Let's move over to the damp and muddy no man's land where some poor young woman met a gristly end! Mike is setting up some high tech body sniffing robot (those do exist, they sense increases in the release of gases by a decomposing body and are super cool) as Ryan is querying NotChloe as to her surety that this is the right location. Mike says his gizmo isn't detecting any other bodies and NotChloe says she's not surprised, they searched the whole place for hours. "I remember going home soaked."  Apparently it was raining hard that day. 

 

Hearing that, Competent Ryan struggles forth once more! It's like Christmas! He asks if the area's susceptible to flooding, and works out that it's possible that the body was dislodged from its original burial site. He asks NotChloe to take them up the slope and off they go. 

 

Squelch squelch squelch go the shoes of the lawmen and woman, until they get about a hundred or so yards up and discover--dozens and dozens of horrible, weatherbeaten creepy dolls hanging from dozens and dozens of trees! How, exactly, were these grotesque little talismans missed in that thorough search six weeks ago, pray? They aren't hidden at all but it's clear this is a first sight of them  for NotChloe, which she confirms when Ryan asks if she's ever seen these before.

 

But hey, time for a distraction, in the form of a furtive figure wearing a really upsetting mask that makes him look like a mutant three little pig! He charges off into the trees and the three chase him for like, a minute, but then just "whatever" when he gets away. Seriously, nobody suggests NotChloe radio this in, or form a cordon or search party or ANYTHING. And the fact that said Mystery Guy revealed himself at all to a woman he very clearly would know gets even stupider later on! I know, I can't wait!

 

So having peaced out on all that pesky suspect chasing, the next shot is Ryan using their magical bodysniffer doohicky to check around this creeptastic area of woods while the other two dig randomly with shovels. A few minutes in and Ryan's got something, and sure enough, about one inch down there's a tattered blue tarp. A few more scrapes and--tah dah, a terrible, dessicated corpse! Mike finds another almost right away, and Ryan grims "It's a burial ground" as we go to break. Ya don't say? You probably could have asked Pigman about it if you'd bothered looking for him.

 

That Wayward Pines show looks pretty good, if trying a little too hard for the Twin Peaks vibe.

 

We're back, and a tech type (they finally called somebody, apparently) is telling Ryan that they've got nine victims so far, all ages, sexes and ethnicities. The IDs will take time, since the killer did the "teeth and hands" thing on all of them, delightful. NotChloe, glancing down, spots a belt buckle on a body and says she recognizes it from on the missing persons shots. It's Mike's turn to product placement the Microsoft tablet and he right swipes through the pictures, saying she's right.

 

Okay, here's the bit that TheRabbi asked to get transcribed:

 

Ryan: So this killer has been operating here for fifteen years without arousing suspicion.

 

Mike: Feels like one of Strauss's. 

 

It's not a bad conclusion to come to, I guess, given what they know about Strauss and his avuncular murder mentor persona, but it's still a bit of a leap, especially since the guy apparently decided to counteract his precautionary measures by having a bunch of Goodwill reject dolls perform the world's most horrible Cirque De Soleil acrobat act right over his body yard. Ryan turns to NotChloe and asks her to pull all surveillance video around town for the last 72 hours; if Strauss is here he's not getting away. Or he'll probably get away. One of those two.

 

Cut to Standard Issue Truck pulling into a parking lot, where we see HG take off his Rasta wig and settle in to do his thing. He easily hacks into the surveillance cameras in the lot, reprogramming their sweep so he's in their blind spot, gathers up his stuff, puts on gloves, fussily lint rolls the headrest (Which I don't get, since he was driving barehanded and doesn't wipe down the steering wheel at all) and effortlessly strolls over to another car, hopping right on in. In another little continuity urp, he's got his gloves on during the cross but they're off when he gets in the car. Why bother with the gloves at all?) Other then that, though, it's a pretty slick maneuver and you can see that this guy isn't as half-cracked as most of the "genius" killers that roam at large through this show.

 

Just as he's ready to go, his cell beeps with a text. I cannot read it, even paused, but whatever it is doesn't seem to sit well with HG. He's so put out, in fact that we are abruptly lurched into a flashback!

 

"Thirteen years ago", the screen informs us, and we're watching a weedy little guy typing one handed on his pretty-slick-looking-for-thirteen-years-ago laptop while complaining on the phone that he "should be running that office. I hate them." Okay, nice to see a character with a rich inner life for once. He says he's going to get some sleep and hangs up, but his plans for repose are thwarted by a sudden burst of heavy metal music from his presumable living room. Less freaked out then you would imagine by this, he gets up to investigate. He heads in and shuts off the stereo, only to hear a "Hi, Pat," behind him. He jumps around to see a strange guy in the world's most deranged clown mask calmly sitting on his couch.

 

Rather then react within the realm of normal humanity (i.e., flipping the fuck out and jumping out the window while screaming like a banshee), the guy just stands there while Clownface says don't be scared, we've been chatting online for months. See? This is why you don't give out personal info online! Clownface is who you're talking to! 

 

Again, rather then throwing things or wetting his pants, Guy merely says "Carl 1988?" like they're meeting up at ComiCon. He does ask how said Carl found him since they were on an encrypted site and Carl's so amused he pulls off the mask so Guy can get the full benefit of his eyerolling as he explains that there's no such thing as anonymity online, dummy. (Carl is, of course, HG, so I'll just call him Carl from now on.) 

 

Guy's survival instincts FIIIIINALLY kick into gear and he dives out the door and towards a closet where we see he's been keeping a big ol' shotgun. He almost makes it too, but no joy for Guy as Carl catches up, tosses him to the floor like a hooked fish on a dock, and binds his wrists with plastic handcuffs. Um, those are gonna leave a mark. Just saying, for later. Now, take notes, people: When you hear heavy metal music coming from your living room, grab shotgun first, THAN head in to investigate. 

 

Carl sits back, saying he knows what Guy's been planning for weeks and he's going to make it real in the morning. "Of course," he grins, "I'm going to be bouncing off the walls all night, but I'm ready!" This cannot be good. He hauls Guy up with an assurance to not worry, he's not going to steal his thunder. "You'll get all the glory and nobody'll even know I was here." He smiles us back to the present as a considerably more downcast Carl of the present day stares into the middle distance, sending and receiving more texts I can't make out before decisively starting up the car and driving off, out of sight of the cameras. 

 

Cut to Small Town Diner of Coziness and Good Values. Ryan's asking NotChloe "so your uncle owns this place?" and she's saying yeah, her parents were killed in a car crash when she was a kid. Those two things--aren't really related at all, but Ryan says he's sorry anyway. She says it's all right, her uncle's been making her dinner here ever since and smiles over at the nice, jolly-looking man who's serving up dinners to other patrons. Well, thank goodness she's got such a swell guy in her corner. 

 

Ryan wants to ride the commiseration train a bit more, saying it must have been tough on her, but Mike yanks the air break with "Forget tough. Look, the odds are, you know the killer." NotChloe (will somebody please say her name??? I am so tired of typing that) says she can't believe it's one of "Us." Mike says she's not thinking like a cop and Ryan deadpans "just give her a minute" and shoots a "bitch shut UP" dart at Mike, but a waitress comes over to defuse the tension by announcing that it's totally obvi who the killer is. NotChloe says that this is official police business and Margo is all girl, it's town business when bodies are getting pulled out of the ground all over hell and gone. And also when you discuss said police business in public, but this show's down with that all the time.

 

Mike asks Margo who they should be looking at and Margo's happy to say: Sheriff Windsor's no good kid, Justin. "Margo!" remonstrates NotChloe, but Margo says everybody knows there's something off about that kid and the Sheriff does everything to protect him. "You know it's true, Hilary" and THANK YOU MARGO FOR FINALLY SAYING HER NAME. Here is a 100% tip and the rest of the night off!

 

Or not, because Uncle Duncan slides by with a "I don't pay you to gossip." Oh, sure you do. Margo protests that she's helping an official police investigation and Duncan eyerolls that she really expects Hilary to investigate her boss's son? Oooooh, small town politicking! Ryan's pretty down with this investigating thing, though, and in the next scene we're watching the three of them walk up a dirt path in the dark, flashlights bobbing. Ryan comments that it seems like Duncan doesn't want her crossing the sheriff and Hilary replies he's just worried about her. Uh huh.That's what it is. 

 

The three advance into what looks like a homeless camp (wow, Sheriff Winston's into tough love, I guess,) and Hilary says she thinks this is where Justin's living. Nobody's around but the fire's still smoking. Ryan spots a standard issue Hut of Misery and Grossness that projects "Just Keep Walking" with its every molecule, but hey, it's a living. They head in. Everything about the place is creepy and disgusting, but it's also started raining so outside's better then in. 

 

They walk in and survey what's very clearly a meth lab, and it's the usual "build so-called tension by not lighting anything hardly at all" bit, but long story short,  they see that creepy mask from earlier, Ryan spots movement behind a curtain and behold, it is indeed the eponymous Justin, pride of his father's blood! He does himself proud by threatening to blow up the lab with a lighter, then ducking out the back door, but Mike, having gotten fed up, is waiting out there and pushes his stupid face into the wet mucky leaves! Heh, I love it when they actually do something right.

 

Next scene is Justin handcuffed in what seems to be some kind of office? I guess for a lumber company or the local forest rangers? while Ryan questions him about Strauss's whereabouts and Justin's all who? What? It's pretty clear that this brain trust does not have the wherewithal to graduate junior high, let alone assist in a high level escape, but Mike presses, saying they saw him in the woods "wearing this mask." He brandishes said mask barehanded, getting his fingerprints all over the evidence, no bag or anything. Sigghhhhh. Guess the competent bit is over. 

 

Justin says he wears it to scare off hikers and keep them away from his setup. Oooookay. So, he runs around like an extra out of Deliverance and nobody reports it, plus he headed over to the crime scene earlier to pull this little trick even though there is NO WAY he couldn't have recognized Hilary and beat it out of there. This kid really is a new level of dumb even for this show. 

 

A car pulling up has Ryan and Mike pulling their pieces and Ryan demanding of Justin who it is, but Hilary pipes up that she texted the sheriff. "I had to, he's my boss!" she says defensively. Sure enough, in walks Sheriff Winston, a bit surprised at all the hardware pointed at him. They don't drop their guns either, and I don't blame them, considering how many damn Followers have been in police uniforms the past two seasons. 
 

"I--I'm the boy's father!" stutters Sheriff Winston, a far cry from the self important rooster who was strutting about earlier. Mike, unimpressed, indicates he should drop his gunbelt, and Winston does so. "Dad!" wails Justin the Brave, picking this perfect moment to get all fussy, "Look what they did to me!" Dude, you're handcuffed, not at the bottom of a alligator infested well, calm down. Sheriff Win isn't too keen on Justin's face either, asking if it's true, that he's been making meth? Justin's all well when you put it like THAT it sounds bad and whines that he's sorry. Winston asks if the fruit of loins knows about this Strauss guy or the bodies in the woods and gets a similar boohoo of an answer, then brokenly says his son is troubled and stupid, but he knows when he's lying; Justin's telling the truth. 

 

Winston asks if he can haul him off for processing if they don't need him for anything, then (Um, shouldn't somebody who's not his DAD be doing that?) Mike isn't into the idea but Ryan's all go ahead, whatever, man, I thought I was the world's biggest loser, but damn buddy. Hilary scoops up Justin and they head out, Winston saying she should read him his rights in the car. I would hope that Ryan or Mike already did that when they snagged him in the first place but hey, it's pretty damn late to be worrying about prisoner rights or chain of command or handing over that pig mask or anything. Mike asks why Ryan let him go and Ryan says he's not smart enough to be one of Strauss's but thank God they spent hours running around in the dark after this dead end.

 

Ahh, but Meth Cottage is not the only dwelling in these woods! Strains of Generic Classical take us to a considerable upgrade containing, of course, both a peacefully reading beheadphoned Strauss and a stressed out prickly Daisy. She's not calmed by the rows of pickled limbs and organs on the china cabinet and heads over to pluck the headphones off her benefactor, saying "he's" been gone for hours and what if he's turned us in? Sweetheart, I promise that he's loyal to me, says Strauss, just like you. That doesn't do the trick either and Daisy says they need to get out of here, they're sitting ducks! Gahd, sighs the doc, see if there's some pills around here that'll take you down a notch already, but their spat is interrupted by the creak of a door and the entrance of

 

UNCLE DUNCAN! Raise your hand if you are surprised and also I have a great deal on some Nigerian real estate you'll totally want to get in on. "As if on cue," proclaims Strauss, but Duncan isn't glad tidings. "We've got problems," he says. "Ryan Hardy and the FBI are in town." Oopsie!

 

Okay, that's it for this chunk o'Following; join me tomorrow for lessons in different ways to put hot coffee to use.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Snookums

[Etta Place]

 

FDP says she's got the info, and Ryan utters my favorite line of the episode; "Okay, now subtract out scofflaws and runaways." SCOFFLAWS, squee! Maybe he'll call somebody a ne'er do well or a rapscallion next!

Scofflaws was my favorite thing about this episode, too.

 

Overall, I found this week's episode oddly confusing. I normally have a lot of complaints about the show (if I could be bothered to think about it long enough to make them), but confusion isn't one of them. Unless you're counting confusion about how people who are so dumb could be FBI agents/cops/criminal masterminds.

 

But something about the time jump kinda got me. The dreadlocked guy actually only had a dreadlocked wig? I thought the hair was shorthand for when he was in the past, but then suddenly he had short hair and everything was going on in the present. I hate to sound like an idiot/FBI agent, and I will admit I was not giving the show my full attention, but I ended up pretty much lost on what was in the past besides the clearly-marked part with the guy from the internet.

[Snookums]

Yes, the dreds were a wig that Carl was wearing present day to murder the attorney. He had short hair in the past and has short hair now when he's not in disguise.

[MizStaken]

Hey they are getting better, they managed to not kill one of the bad guys in the process of catching him. Baby steps.

[Snookums]

Back to it! Man, and you thought getting rid of your houseguests was hard.

 

Okay, is anybody else seeing this stupid ad where a bunch of people go into a giant nursery and paint a terrifying mural on the wall while the babies are sleeping? Who does that? 

 

We come back to see 13 Years Ago Carl driving merrily down the highway to a perky song, then pulling into a small local storefront insurance company. Oh, dear. Do you think being murdered by a guy who co-opted the guy who was going to murder you is better or worse on the murder scale? Because that's what Carl's doing: he pops on his creepazoid clown mask, grabs Guy he tied up's shotgun, strolls on in, and the next thing you hear is a lot of shots and screaming. 

 

And back in the car! With the same song, but I think it's now modern day because it's sunny and bright, not snowing like it was a second ago. That was--a confusing transition, but I think it's to indicate that Carl is now back in town for the first time since those murders thirteen years ago.

 

Cut to the woods, where the murder vics are being pulled from their crude graves and laid out for classification by the head tech, who's getting lots of lines but no name so far. She's telling Ryan that at least four of them are matches to their missing persons list (I'm assuming they're being identified by clothing, like the girl with the belt buckle, because there's no way they're doing field tests on DNA.) Ryan asks for the MO, and Tech says the guy's a "tin man," that is, searching for a heart. She says he inserts some kind of tube into the chest cavity and removes the heart that way, and she's never seen anything like it. I'll bet. I'm not saying it's impossible, but  the heart is an incredibly tough, muscular organ that's attached pretty firmly to its aortas and veins and such and not really the kind of thing that's amenable to being sucked up a tube. I don't see how that could be done without pretty much liquefying the entire contents of the chest cavity.

 

But anyway. The tech moves on to a tenth victim, buried almost two decades ago and says the technique isn't as surgical as the later ones. Ryan mutters that the guy hadn't mastered his game yet, and that the teeth and fingers were removed but years after she was killed. Lots of back and forth about how Strauss could have been the guy's mentor after he started killing and such, and that whoever the killer was he probably had a relationship with her. He smartly says to prioritize identifying her. 

 

Shot of trees, then back to Murder Cottage. Uncle Duncan has just arrived with the bad news that Ryan Hardy and the FBI flunkies are here and very interested in all the missing persons and murders and stuff. The good news is they don't seem to care about the meth operation in the woods at all, so if Strauss is down for a career change that franchise opportunity is wide open. Strauss has apparently decided to worry about this after dinner, since we come in to see him, Daisy and Duncan chowing down while Strauss compliments his cooking. Duncan says most folks don't know the joy of smoked human flesh and Daisy gets all WAHHHT and I just love how she's suddenly outside her killer comfort zone. 

 

"Damn, girl, it's a joke," snorts Duncan, but Daisy's not mollified and says his sense of humor sucks. Duncan ponders aloud what her heart would look like in the palm of his hand and Daisy flicks her switchblade like a fifties B picture bad girl and says "try me, sweetie."  I guess having a hobby in common doesn't guarantee that people will like each other, hmmm?

 

"Children, behave," intones Papa Strauss. He goes on that it's so rare that he has his "extended family" together and can't they get along? Gregg Henry is very amusing here and almost makes me forget my OHIO RAGE. But not quite. Duncan seems to agree with me, because he says due respect but now that you've slept and eaten shouldn't you be hauling ass? What with the FBI around and all? "Pardon?" rumbles Strauss, whose thing is telling other people what to do, not the opposite, and Duncan backs down, saying he just doesn't want him to get caught. He pulls out an envelope with "cash from the diner", saying it should last a few weeks.

 

Strauss sets it aside and says, thanks son, but I feel safe here in your Fortress of Solitude. HAH, SUPERMAN JOKE! When Allison Mack is nowhere around so...hm.

Duncan's double worried since his private little playground is currently being dug up by fifty people, but Strauss merely says that if he's learned anything from him over these many years "those bodies should in no way lead them to you!" Yeah, but...Strauss's narcissism is in full gear here, the way he's just assuming that duh, anybody who's ever been around him is just a brick in the foundation of his I'M SO GREAT fortress. 

 

As Duncan now points out, saying that he killed before he met Strauss and learned how to protect himself. Yeah, Strauss, it's not like you're in charge of all the damn murders in the whole damn world, okay? Strauss does hesitate a microsecond but his warm ankle length twenties raccoon coat of self-love envelopes him once again, as he says time is still on their side and anyway, they can't take off without their new IDs and credit cards. 

 

"You reached out to him?" says Duncan incredulously, and when Strauss confirms with a smirk (you just know he taught Joe all his smirking techniques) he flips out, saying he had no right to do that, "this is my home!" It's iffy if he's pissed because he's scared or for some other reason, but I'm guessing the latter. Daisy asks who "Him" is, and Strauss, just smirking to beat the band, crows "my best student!"

 

Cut to said best student who is of course Carl, still bopping down the road, but he's much more glum and instead of listening to his signature tune he's tuned into the radio, which is of course reporting on Strauss and Daisy. He's so upset, in fact, that he pulls into another flashback (it's snowing again.) The radio's segued too, and is now reporting on the mass shooting, saying that the gunman is at large and believed stabbed. That's true enough, as Carl is currently rather red and drippy from his front. 

 

He parks in the lot of what looks like a clinic, then breaks into a storage room, flailing around and clearly trying to patch himself up. He hears the door opening and crouches, gun ready...

 

And in walks, yes, STRAUSS. And we are at yet another of those oxymoronic conundrums that The Following does so well. Okay, Strauss is a medical doctor, fine; that's been made clear enough. But what the hell is he doing working in a clinic while at the same time he was supposed to be a full time teacher at Lightford Academy??? This was thirteen years ago and he was definitely in the middle of his mentoring of bright young serial killers--Joe would have been under his tutelage years before this encounter. How in the hell is he fitting clinic duties and being on the staff of a private school hours away from here in around his apparent trolling for fresh student meat in FUCKING OHIO??? What the hell kind of time/space riff does this damn show exist in?

 

BUT NEVER MIND. Strauss turns on the snarm charm, going on about how he saw Carl come in and Strauss can help him, he's a doctor. "You can trust me," he says, hilariously locking the door as he says that line. Carl isn't overly convinced as Strauss says hey, I get you're the office park guy, but he is losing a lot of blood, as Strauss helpfully points out. "Why, why?" gasps Carl and Srauss gasses on about how fate brought Carl to him as he patches up an apparent nicked artery one two three. The guy is an amazing doctor, I'll give him that: that kind of shit usually requires an OR and replacement plasma at the very least.

 

Strauss keeps monologuing about he understands the addiction to killing. Carl says he's never met anyone like him (not even online?) but doesn't hold still for long; one second later he's trying to stand up, saying he "has to finish." More back and forth and it comes out that ....

 

...but I guess we'll have to find out later because we're zooming into the present again, right past the sign showing the town limits. Carl looks rather happy to be back.

 

Now we're back at the Sheriff's office with Mike hauling over the last act plot point: that body they were so interested in has been identified as Fran Banks (wow, that is some amazing field forensic work) and Ryan says the name sounds familiar. Mike says that's because she was married to Duncan Banks, Hilary's uncle and folksy diner owner. "He never reported her missing," says Mike, and that's enough for Ryan. Off they go. This probably isn't going to be a day that features heavily on Hilary's Facebook Page of cherished memories.

 

We're in the diner proper and Hilary's boxing up some food behind the counter with the easiness of a person who's been in and out of this place all her life when Ryan and Mike come in. She offers them coffee and Duncan says to go ahead and grab a booth if they'd like. "Yeah," says Ryan. "We might do that." His grim stare and Mike's reaching for his weapon say that they might be there to grab Duncan instead, though, and D tenses and Hilary, with her back turned to the scene, says that she hopes that they understand why she called the sheriff last night BUT NEVER MIND THAT BECAUSE DUNCAN JUST SNATCHED HILLARY AND IS HOLDING HER WITH A KNIFE TO HER THROAT! Shit, Duncan, so much for talking your way out of this!

 

Ryan and Mike draw their guns instantly but it's not like they can shoot him, and Duncan knows it. "Put your guns down or I'm gonna slit my pretty niece's throat!" He snarls and Hillary gasping asks what's going on? Rather then get into it Mike gives her the short version, that he killed his wife and they found the body. "Aunt Fran?" asks Hillary bewilderedly. "She's in California!" OR NOT, as Duncan switches his knife from her throat to her kidney. Ryan says they can work something out and Duncan's all yep! I'm working on you moving out of my way so I can get in my truck! Good move, since Ryan's fame for not being able to hit a moving truck has no doubt spread far and wide.

 

Trying to delay this occurrence, Ryan assures him they don't want him, they want Strauss. That doesn't sound very dope to Duncan, though, and he says that Hillary's going to bleed all over this floor unless you put your guns down and throw hot coffee in my face! Oh wait, that was Hills changing up the game in a most awesome manner! Suck it, Duncan, this woman has been held hostage by far greater supervillains then your sad diner owning, heart slurping saggy butt. I got your kryptonite right here, bee-yatch. Duncan reacts as most people do to a cup of seaming hot liquid to the face and eyeballs and drops to the ground as everybody in the diner wonders if this means their lunches are free.

 

Back from break and we are--still in the diner. The other patrons have been cleared out and Duncan is handcuffed and perched on a stool as Ryan wearily commences on his second interrogation today. The very best part of this is that Duncan's face is not burned. At ALL. It looks like the makeup people dappled just the tiniest bit of rouge on his face for ten seconds and then said aw fuck it, we gotta go rig those squibs for the garroting scene and took off. Perhaps because of this, Duncan is even pissier then you'd think during his questioning. 

 

Mike points out that Duncan's going to spend the rest of his life in prison thanks to Strauss's showing up and why would he protect him? Good point. "C'mon," says Ryan, clearly wishing all the coffee wasn't on the floor right now, "just tell us where he is." And while you're at it, get me a croissant.

 

Duncan cliches out his next line about why would he tell them anything, and Ryan turns away in slump shouldered disgust, probably hoping to find a nice deserted warehouse to threaten Duncan in, but Hillary steps up. Damn, this woman has ovaries of steel. She and Clark totally should have been together. Anyway, she demands, in a tearful but firm voice, an explanation as to why Duncan would be such a monster, and how everything about their life, them, was a lie. "What about my parents?" Duncan just stares at her in a mouth-breathy way that is either "I'm trying to provoke you" or "I got some bad direction as to how to play this scene." 

 

"What about my parents?" demands Hillary, her cheeks wet and horror in her voice. "Did you kill them too?" That give Duncan an opening to be a horrible excuse for a human being (more so then already, I mean) and he leers "your momma was a squealer" at her, clearly enjoying her pain as she looks down, devastated. Any time Ryan wants to haul him off somewhere more private is fine with me. Hillary once again takes matters into her own hands, though; she hauls off and belts him hard in the face! Yaaaay! I hope she got him right on a non existent burn wound!

 

Ryan steps in before she beats him to a paste, as they sadly still  have to pry info out of him/can't actually murder him in front of several other agents and scoops her off, soothing her and says that this is the worst thing that's ever happened to her but she's strong and can get through this. Hillary's not up for a pep talk though, and storms off as Sheriff Winston, apparently done locking up his miscreant kid, steps forward with the next lily pad for the plot to frog hop onto. 

 

"I can help," he says, and goes on to outline that he and Duncan's dad used to hunt, and said dad had a cabin in the woods. From Duncan's "oh, fuck me" expression that's the place. Winston says you've got to hike in but if it's still standing, he can lead them there. He and Ryan take off, Mike following as he calls for two extras to haul Duncan away, hopefully to a cactus patch and then a lemon juice vat.

 

Okay, that's this bit, gotta feed the cats and then we'll wrap this up!

Edited April 2, 2015 by Snookums

[Snookums]

And we're back! Time to wrap up why asking your old students for favors might not be the best idea ever.

 

Carl is hiking through the woods, grimmer then ever, and we trot right along with him into the last flashback. We're back at Wanna Be Murderer Guy's house. He's tied up with a towel in his mouth and his hands laced in front of him in the plastic cuffs (Carl actually put his hands behind his back but it's plausible that he redid it at some point, I guess.) Strauss is there, admiring not just tied up Guy, but Carl's methodology: "This is genius. You've figured out a way to kill people and nobody even knows you exist!" Well, so have you, Strauss, if it comes down to it, but he's got a point. Basically, Carl trolls the net for guys like Guy, posting about their dark plans and fantasies, then comes to wherever they are, "steals" their murder, then murders the wanna be murderer as well while framing him for the murder he/she would have committed had Carl not stepped in all Cuckoo Bird Of Death. I've gotta agree with Strauss; that is pretty damn smart, and Carl's clearly the kind of obsessive weirdo who could pull it off.

 

Delighted, Strauss asks if Carl's killed before like this and he says yes, but this was his first mass killing. Carl's pretty subdued here and I'm not sure if it's from blood loss, his new fan club or the fact that Guy's upcoming suicide isn't going to be terribly convincing (more on that in a sec.) Strauss fangirls on about how he should never feel guilty about his need to kill, he was born that way, like a shark. "And like a shark, you must stay beneath the water." This shark metaphor is going to resurface (thank you!) later and go on a bit longer then necessary.

 

Carl, who's not used to critique, says he's done that here already, and Strauss agrees but points out he could have left Guy in another location; that way he wouldn't have to rush back to his house before the police got there (and those police sure are taking their time--Carl shot everybody, got stabbed, drove off, broke into the clinic, got all bondy with Strauss and now they're hanging out and the cops still haven't arrived!) 

 

Strauss is a hands on mentor, though, and whips out a towel and--it looks like surgical scissors--to stab a highly protesting Guy in the shoulder-esque region "to match injuries." I doubt the instrument used or blood types or DNA are going to match, but who cares? Well, Strauss, since he's now rubbing a second clown mask on top of Guy's head "for matching fibers and DNA." See? And speaking of fibers, isn't that giant towel stuffed in his mouth gonna leave some behind?

 

Strauss steps back and asks Carl if there's a way or signature style he likes to kill in and Michael Ealy dons his acting glad rags for his little monologue--all about how he likes this about shooting and that about strangling but why limit himself? Poor Michael. He got used to being on a real show back on Almost Human and he can't shake it. I will say he's smart enough to be wearing latex gloves, though. Strauss chuckles delightedly and asks what his plan is for "Patrick's" (FINALLY guy gets a name and not a minute too soon) suicide?

 

Carl's pretty much set up with gunshot to the head Strauss nods approvingly, saying "show me." Carl whips out his gun to Patrick's increasing if smothered screams and starts positioning it (I wonder if he registered that to Patrick?) in Pat's hands, but Strauss cannot shut up for one damn second when he's on a roll and steps forward to deliver his big set piece about savoring the moment and it's so special when they know it's going to happen and I'm guessing even Patrick's down with pulling the trigger at this point. Also, his hands? Are still in those cuffs? Which I get because he's not exactly cooperating here but they're still going to leave some pretty deep grooves that coupled with everything else would seem to become quite a pile of evidence that this isn't what Carl and Strauss think it appears to be. 

 

Carl savors dutifully, pulls the trigger with a pop and apparently neither of them get a drop of blood on themselves, which is lucky. "Nicely done," says Strauss, and gives Carl his first lesson about not being tempted above the water and there's so many things he can teach him. "I'll never forget this," says Carl in a tone that to anybody who was less of an egomaniac then Strauss might find ominous. "And I'll find a way to pay you back, I promise." Since sharks seem to be a theme here, this would be a good place for the Jaws music to kick in.

 

But nope, a knock on a door and we're back at Murder Cottage, with Strauss opening the door to his best pupil/prize doggie. "Thank you for coming," says Strauss and ushers him in. Carl is his usual-for-him monotone self, saying he's missed their talks and Strauss is all yeah sure, whatever, me too, then glances at Daisy, sitting in the back bedroom and apparently being lit for one of the Ring movies. "Don't hover," he says crossly, gesturing her out. He introduces her and Daisy manages the minimum of social courtesies but she's clearly not about to put out tea and cookies.

 

Carl pays this no never mind, merely turning back to Strauss and saying he seemed almost surprised when he let him in; "did you doubt I'd come?" Course not, course not, huffs Strauss, all hearty self-satisfaction, and hey, thanks for everything you've done already. Yeah, since his little fake email plant got you out of prison in the first place I'd say some thanks are in order at the very least. 

 

Back and forth about how great each other is and a big ol' hug! Which Strauss is very soon going to regret because Carl, like all serial killers, is following his own agenda, and on the To Do list for today is GARROTE STRAUSS. Awesome! 

 

Strauss gacks and flails like a gaffed salmon as Daisy shrieks in horror and Carl gets his second big acting piece about how fathers aren't supposed to take advantage of their children and Strauss forced him to come above the surface and on and on. Strauss coughs out that Carl owes him but that was the wrong tack, you self important piece of shit. A minute and a proclamation more, and Strauss's earthly remains are dropped to the cottage's carpet. Well, I guess this will save the state the cost of retrying the smug bastard. Also, that should be the last of the shark metaphor, so win-win!

 

Daisy has been watching in wide eyed horror--this ain't her scene and anyway she's sans both Kyle and wig--and starts slinking timidly and vaguely away as Carl stands over the body and GODDAMMIT BREAKS OUT THE SHARK THING AGAIN. Jesus, guy, let it go. "A shark is supposed to stay beneath the water," Carl monotones. "Isn't that what you taught me?"  Strauss is too dead to answer but that's fine with me. 

 

Daisy, clearly trying to leave Carl and Strauss to their private moment, keeps trying to move towards the door as Carl decides he needs to explain himself. "He made me do that," he quietly snarls at her. "You get that, right?" Daisy's all yes! Sure! You bet! "He blackmailed me too, he got my husband killed!" she gibbers, trying to save the only thing that's actually important to her, her own life. "I won't tell, I won't, please!" she cries as Carl studies her like a bug and we go to break. 

 

Can anybody tell me what Cricket is, exactly? Is it a cell phone? Why are green lumps and mutant big birds trying to sell me a cell phone called a Cricket?

 

We're back! Watching Sheriff Winston, Ryan and Mike struggle up a hill towards the Murder Cottage. Now, I get that you have to hike in here and everything and it's not a Motel 6, but they are chasing (sing it with me) an insanely dangerous killer who has escaped them multiple times! If ever there was a time to call in a tactical team, this would seem to be it! But no. The three of them draw their guns, move slowly up and across the clearing of the cabin, providing really tempting targets if anybody's inside, get to the door, swing it open--

 

And find it's occupied but by a very silent tenant. Strauss's cooling corpse lies where Carl left it, but Carl and Daisy are long gone. Or three minutes gone, but it doesn't matter because nobody's around to stop them even if they were twenty yards away! Let's hear it for not calling in backup, everybody! When The Following grabs hold of a shitty method of doing things it is loyal to the grave. 

 

Strauss lays there, really quite fucked up, and the final song rises as we cut to Ryan and Mike strolling into as cramped and unpleasant a cell as ever Hillary could wish, containing Duncan and his totally not burned at all face. "Hey, Duncan," they say, reveling in an all too rare opportunity to stick it to a culprit who's still alive, "We found Strauss."

 

They show Duncan an cell snap of Strauss's icky remains, quick one two with the " That's not real" "Trust me, it's real", Duncan does a pro forma lunge towards an unimpressed Ryan wailing "You killed him!" Nope, for once, and they get on with their query as to who might have the ability to sever a full grown man's head with his bare hands. Duncan asks after Daisy, but she's ruled out: she doesn't have the upper body strength. Duncan, at long long last twigging that it's really all over for him and nobody's left to care, says that they'll never find him, "he's a ghost." 

 

Ryan would like to know the gentleman's name, but Duncan is useless for that, too. "I don't know. I only know that Strauss called him his best student." And we cut to Carl opening the door of his presumable home...

 

At least I hope so, because otherwise the beautiful woman and adorable kids rushing to greet him are not long for this world. But yep, this is Carl's loving, picture book life, and we spend a minute or so expositioning about how they missed him, since he's been traveling so much, and they all head off for some dinner and bonding time. Unlike Andrew's cover spouse and child, the impression given is that Carl's wife and kids are very important to him and the main reason he was angry enough at Strauss to kill him was his demands not only endangered Carl, but his family. But we'll see. 

 

And what of Daisy? Well, she's hanging on a random street corner in a random city, trying to hitch a ride. I guess she's either way more convincing then the show's shown her to be or Carl couldn't be bothered to kill her for arcane reasons of his own, but he clearly dropped her off wherever this is; it's not Beacon. She successfully pulls over a car and hops in with a practiced flirtatious smile, ready to honeypot/stab her way off to glory and hopefully off our screens. 

 

And last but not least, Max! Mike's knocking on her door and she lets him in. He says he's sorry but she starts right in, asking what he's more sorry about--"that I was beat to hell or that Mark got away?" Mike protests that if he could do things differently he would, but Max cuts him off, saying he'd shoot Mark and plant the gun just like he did Lily. "That was your plan, right?" she asks Mike's hangdog face. 

 

Mike stubbornly asks if she wouldn't rather see him dead then out there alive, but Max isn't done incriminating herself for the cameras; "I'd rather never have to cover up another one of your executions, Mike." She silently swings open the door for him to leave with a curt "goodnight." She closes the door and we cut to the point of this crap; that Mike is apparently still outside her place, hours after he left, watching this entire exchange. GOD, I am sick of this entire plotline--everything about it is infuriating and promises to remain so. Tom thoughtfully rewinds the last bit so we get the point that he's plotting something bad and the music swells, taking us to 

 

JOE! OH, GOOD. He's getting his elaborate jewelry of hand and leg cuffs fitted before his rendezvous with his beloved Ryan! Who cannot have slept in over forty eight hours, by the way. Ryan drags his weary bones into Joe's cell and Joe gets his flirt on; "Ryan," he exclaims, "you kept your promise!" But Ryan's too tired even to try, and abruptly he asks the question that maybe, just maybe, Joe can answer: "Who's Strauss's best student?" Joe's face reflects both puzzlement and dawning pique as we finally fade to ending card. 

 

Whew, that's that. Like I said, for an episode of The Following, this one really wasn't as terrible as we know the show can get--Carl's hijacking of potential murderers was really quite clever, and Strauss is finally off sharing a hell pit with Emma and fighting over who gets top bunk or whatever. Plus, Daisy seems to have vanished into whatever ether contains her mystical version of Ohio for the nonce, and I'm not complaining.  

 

And of course, JOE. It is so great to have Purefoy back and throwing great glittering handfuls of smarmy self-delight against the walls again--this show is so off the rails that without a conductor, so to speak, it doesn't know what to do with itself, and the gaping holes in its logic and self-continuity are far harder to forgive. We'll see what's coming up--how long will Carl last? Will Joe's execution have to be delayed? Will Gina ever go on her honeymoon already? Will the endless stupidity of Max's wired apartment ever end? Here's hoping.

Edited April 2, 2015 by Snookums