iQuotes: Would You Like Brains With That?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Major: You should have been able to see from your snooping that I haven't texted her since we got back together.
Liv: How do I know that you didn't call her from a landline?
Major: Because it's not 1987.

Clive: I was afraid this would happen.
Liv: You were afraid someone would find a grown ass man wearing a cape in the back of a garbage truck? Pretty specific fear.

Liv: Ths most this guy ever did was momentarily distract criminals who were shocked to see a grown man in tights.
Ravi: I disagree. I think it's noble to go out and pursue danger to protect the innocent, to be an active symbol of hope, to show the world that one person can make a difference.
Liv: I just think it's kind of ridiculous.
Ravi: Would you say that to Batman?
Liv: If he were real? Yes, I would.

Liv: Tic tac toe man.
Clive: That's Hashtag
Liv: You know how to find him?
Clive: All you have to do to summon Hashtag is to hashtag Hashtag.

Blaine: Damn it, Don E, I'm a brain dealer, not a doctor!

Ravi: Mighty Whitey. What do you think?
Liv: I think I would be the Ku Klux Klan's favorite superhero.

Liv: You?!
Don E: Twins!

Blaine: How are you feeling?
New zombie: Fuzzy. Really freaking hungry.
Blaine: Yeah, about that. How familiar are you with the movie Dawn of the Dead?

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Beard color - white as snow.

Major: My high school coach thought digging holes and filling them built character.
Ravi: He'd be so proud.

Liv: Last night I was watching Zombie High and now I'm frigging in it, but only because the star's been murdered. Is there a word that means both cool and awful?
Ravi: In the sixteenth century, the word was "egregious." Now it just means shockingly bad, as in the way Zombie High treats science.
Liv: It's not supposed to be a documentary on zombie biology.
Ravi: Then mission accomplished.

Ravi: [Liv]'s seen every episode. Like, on purpose.

Vaughn: My own fitness band? I guess this means we're going steady.

Liv: There it is, some of the most famous junk in America.
Clive: Cover it. Cover it. Who gets pierced there. Why?
Ravi: It's called a Prince Albert. I wonder how you get it through airport security.
Clive: You two don't seem that skeeved.
Ravi: We've pulled stranger things out of corpses. Golf balls. A snake.
Liv: Besides, we were expecting it.
Clive: Jordan's pierced...
Ravi: Yeah, it's front and center on his sex tape.
Clive: He had a sex tape?
Ravi: Oh, so innocent.

Ravi: Shop class isn't the only place to see something wooden and poorly constructed.

Gilda: [Major]'s blinded you with man jewelry and the promise of a rock hard ass.
Vaughn: Well, promise delivered.
Gilda: Do you know what mom used to say about you?
Vaughn: "Should have gotten that man's name"?
Gilda: "Vaughn DuClark, smartest man in the world - until you stroke his ego. Then he's like all the rest."

Liv: Maybe Jordan's security cameras caught the mystery defecator.
Clive: Yeah, this is why I became a detective.

Lana: A few months ago, [Wyatt] read for this Blue Ranger part in the new Power Rangers movie.
Liv: Don't know if he has the range for blue.
Ravi: If I'm hearing you right, there's going to be a new Power Rangers movie!

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[dcalley]

Liv: A tattoo. "Never forget." In the process of being removed.

Ravi: Painful and ironic.

[Minneapple]

Actor zombie: What about a show where the zombie is the star?

Clive: That's dumb.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: "The Upright Position," as read by Kristen Bell. I've always felt a kind of connection to her.

Kristen Bell: I'm going to show you why they call it a cockpit.

Ravi: Did you eat a librarian from a porno?

Dale: I hate tea. Burnt water with plants in it. Some dick took the last K-cup. [Clive takes a satisfied sip of his coffee] I'd throw this [coffee] on your lap if I wasn't going to use it later.

Clive: We bust this SOB.
Dale: And then victory sex. High five.
[Clive goes for the high five and Dale steals his coffee]

Liv: A good man admires his wife's beauty. He doesn't slut shame her.

Major: Why do people bury license plates? They think cars are going to grow out of the ground? All this digging in a field and still no tainted utopium but I have license plates from thirty states.

Liv: Have you guys ever wrestled? Stripped down, oiled up, seen who winds up on top?
Major: Have we?
Ravi: Strangely enough, no.
Major: Night's young.
Liv: If you do wrestle, film it.

Liv: Grand theft bicycle.

Liv: I didn't ask if you'd been arrested. I asked if you'd ever been handcuffed.

Drake: Story of my life. Zombie date sends me away until horny brain wears off.

Dale: We spoke a few days ago about your number turning up in the phones of two kidnapping victims.
Blaine: Couple rando would be customers. I told you it's a coincidence.
Dale: Seems pretty unlikely.
Blaine: Yeah, that's what "coincidence" means.

Ravi: Good day making rich white people less fat?
Major: Yeah, it's God's work what I do.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[RachelKM]

 

Liv: Did you eat a librarian from a porno?

I think this was Ravi. :)

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ha, whoops! That's what I get for typing while watching! Thanks for catching that - I'll fix it :)

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: I know how this turns out. It's like the shots contest in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You're Karen Allen and I'm the fat Nepalese guy that ends up under the table.

Ravi: The violent soundscape of nature is making my ears bleed. Birds chirping, leaves rustling, gnats laying eggs.
Liv: Never start a land war in Asia, don't go toe to toe with Peyton Charles when drinking is involved.
Ravi: Why are you screaming?

Ravi: Looks like a no brainer to me, Liv.

Blaine: Worlds collide. I take it Peyton knows all about Team Z.
Liv: Nobody calls it that. Stop trying to make Team Z a thing.

Liv: I'm sure that your tinder photo is haircentric and flattering, but how do you spin that bio? "I'm a humble guy, always down for a hike or we could just murder and chill. My fave slays are astronauts, homeless teens, and boyfriends."

Peyton: Did you just tweet that photo of us? #friendshipgoals #bootyhadmelikewut

Liv: What does it mean if the guy you're dating isn't on Facebook?
Clive: I don't use Facebook, so nothing. Or maybe he's married with a bunch of kids.

Clive: Tell me more about this mystery man.
CI: It's like you don't know what the word "mystery" means.

Ravi: 153 people watched you unpack a box? How? Why?

Liv: What kind of person doesn't use Twitter or Facebook?
Ravi: Only a lunatic. How else would he disseminate inspirational quotes and latte art?

Vaughn: Vaughn Douche Clark? So original. "Max Rager tastes like the ass of a turtle swimming in a dirty river." Thank you, sambulo21 from Swaziland. I just love this guy's comprehensive knowledge of how turtle ass tastes.

Major: I checked Barracus. He wasn't a zombie.
Rita: Interesting, because his credit report tells us otherwise.
Jenko: $700 at Spice Mountain. Ghost pepper hot sauce from India. Weekly spray tans and salon dye jobs. Suspicious, don't you think?
Vaughn: Seems pretty undead to me.
Major: Or just as likely, metrosexual foodie.

Ravi: "Real talk - your sandwich artist was chugging some serious haterade today. No eye contact. Am I a leper? Also where's the made from scratch sriracha, the artisanal pickles? One star." Bit harsh for Bernie's Sub Shack, don't you think? We eat there twice a week.

Ravi: Uh, I'll just wander off or something.

Drake: Haven't heard from you. What happened? Sex starved librarian brain wear off and you've lost interest?
Liv: No, I've just had a crazy day at work. Lots of murders.
Drake: Yet you had time to tweet seventeen times today. "Pumpkin spice latte - yay!" "Stoplights - boo." "Wow, Seattle. Cloudy much?"
Liv: That's a lot of time reading tweets for a guy who claims he doesn't use Twitter.

Liv: Buzzfeed teaches us that when a man abruptly changes his plans, it means he's up to no good.

Drake's mom: What's going on with your skin there? Anemia or some kind of sun allergy?

Drake's mom: She's got the coloring of a paper towel, but I'm not supposed to say anything.

Liv: If you post that, you have to tag me in it.
Drake's mom: I don't know what any of that means.

Boss: Mozart?
Blaine: Debussy.
Boss: So close.

Blaine: I saw things at that boat party that still haunt me. I spent a few weeks just shivering in a dark room and I decided it was a sign that I needed to change.
Boss: A sign, huh? You think God was so desperate for you to change your ways that he slaughtered all those innocent people to make a point?
Blaine: Well, we're talking about the same guy who thought Noah's Ark was a solid plan.

Liv: Is your breakfast not using its indoor voice?
Ravi: Snap crackle pop so loud.
Liv: Drinking on a school night again with Peyton. You're a disgrace to your country's proud history of functional lushes.

Barracus: How did you know about me? What I am?
Liv: You have forty varieties of hot sauce and three heads in the fridge.

Peyton: Man, you work up the nerve to resign and your boss gets abducted. Bananas!

Vaughn: Max Rager is a global brand, Major. We are everywhere, like Starbucks. Or the Eye of Sauron.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[fastiller]

 

Liv: I'm sure that your tinder photo is haircentric and flattering, but how do you spin that bio? "I'm a humble guy, always down for a hike or we could just murder and chill. My fave slays are astronauts, homeless teens, and boyfriends."

 

<snip>

 

Vaughn: Max Rager is a global brand, Major. We are everywhere, like Starbucks. Or the Eye of Sauron.

The first bit in the quote above shows so much of a through-line between Veronica Mars and this show.  I could totally hear VM saying that.

 

Love the "out-n-proud" geekitude of this show.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Clive: Geo what-ing?
Ravi: Geocaching. It's a real world outdoor treasure hunting game. Strangers leave caches, post the GPS coordinates, and then people like us go out and find them. That's what we were doing.
Clive: What sort of treasures?
Ravi: Let's see, Matchbox cars, sets of crayons.
Major: I found a wheat penny once.
Clive: So treasures for children.
Ravi: It's more about the joy of discovery.

Clive: I'll run this by Bozio.
Ravi: If she bears your children, you'll start using her first name, right?

Liv: I invented the orgasm, Clive. Amaretto, Irish cream whiskey, coffee liqueur. That was me.

Freda: Still the insolent boy.
Blaine: I blame my upbringing. Clearly I wasn't beaten enough as a child.
Freda: It remains my greatest regret.
Blaine: Really? So you're over losing out to Ava Braun, eh?

Liv: I'd hate to lose a perfectly good zombie rat. Let's use Blaine as our guinea pig.
Ravi: You don't really mean that.
Liv: What does he need to do to prove to you that he's the devil? Put up a sign?

Major: I have no doubt which one is your dad - imperious, fancy dresser, owns a bust of himself.
Blaine: That's the guy!

Boss: I'm not disputing that Bonnie and Clyde are like family to you, but the IRS doesn't allow you to claim pit bulls as dependents.
Client: But I'm their soul provider.

Liv: Everyone lies. It's a coping mechanism, a key survival trait. Show me someone who always tells the truth and I'll show you a weirdo. But maybe the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

Liv: If you can, pick me up a soy vanilla latte. There's this new study that says caffeine stimulates psychic activity.

Blaine: Someone's gotta make an obligatory popsicle joke, right? No? When did it get so highbrow in here?

Liv: How's that Missy Elliott song go? "Cerebellum, don't fail me now"?

Blaine: You missed it all! The zombie apocalypse! The rapture! The ginger rapture!

Angus: Forgive my inability to make air quotes.

Blaine: Someone should teach you how to humble brag. People might hate you less.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Leslie: What's our thought of the day, Darcy?
Darcy: We must become the change we wish to see in the world. That's Gandhi.
Ravi: Your boss is Gandhi?
Darcy: No, the quote is Gandhi.
Ravi: I know that. Of course I know that. I'm British. Tha man cost us the crown jewel of our empire. Arrgh.

Cher: Did you see what someone left on the sidewalk?
Leslie: I'll get the pooper scooper!

Liv: Did you happen to catch her last words?
Ravi: "I'll get the pooper scooper!" and then KER-SPLAT.
Liv: Maybe this is God's way of saying, "Whoa, Seattle. Too much coffee!"

Liv: I choose to believe she's in a better place now.
Clive: Under an air conditioner?

Liv: What brings you down here on this beautiful morning?
Clive: It's raining.
Liv: That's liquid sunshine, my friend. Don't believe me? Ask a farmer. Or a duck.
Ravi: Or Gene Kelly.

Clive: The real estate agent, Gary - Darryberry.
Liv: Gary Darryberry!
Clive: You know him?
Liv: No, but he sounds like a hoot!

Liv: Very airy, Gary Daryberry.

Liv: Do you smell something?
Gary: Could be the floor finish.
Clive: Not unless you use cannabis oil.

Clive: Where were you at 8:30 this morning?
Pam: It's my day off, so home in bed.
Clive: Can anyone verify that?
Pam: I'm currently between lovers.

Clive: Ma'am, I'm arresting you for breaking and entering.
Pam: Your lips are moving but it's the system talking.

Liv: I'm Dr. Moore with the medical examiner's office.
Darcy: Oh, you must know Ravi! He's one of my favorites.
Liv: Isn't he just the best?
Clive: Could we speak to your manager?
Darcy: I'm a manager. Everyone who works here is. We're all co-managers.
Liv: Amazing!
Clive: Okay.

Ravi: I've been at the lab all day so I didn't really get a chance to primp. So apologies if my hair looks like I've been driving with my head out the window of the Millennium Falcon.
Darcy: Is that the new Ford? The one for millennials?

Pam: I'll make you cappuccinos, roll up like Al Pacino.

Liv: You won't do it. You won't ask a poor orphan girl for her alibi. Clive would, but not you.

Liv: Gilbert, your song was beautiful. You're like a French Bob Dylan.
Gilbert: Actually, Bob Dylan is the American version of my musical idol, Jacques Dutronc.

Clive: Okay, you've been very helpful. Sorry about your bathroom.

Liv: I'm optimistic.
Clive: No argument there.

Mr. Boss: Four hundred years. That's the combined prison sentence the guys, my guys, the district attorney's office has convicted. How do you think they'd feel if they heard you, the rat who put them away, was my new business partner.
Blaine: Conflicted?

Blaine: Oh, look. A hole. Someone could fall in there.

Cher: You are now the owner of Positivity. Feel free to paint it black.
Stan: I will not fire any of Leslie's employees. But I might have to put them through insensitivity training.

Liv: Does this mean I'm in love or does it mean I'm dimwitted?

Don E.: Candy! Have you seen Blaine? He's been ignoring my texts all day. He knows I have abandonment issues.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Julia]

I think Ravi was being sarcastic about the cashier feeling like she had to explain to him who Gandhi was.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Blaine: I am hungry like the wolf.
Guy on bus: Sorry?
Blaine: The music. "Hungry Like the Wolf."
Guy on bus: I think that's "The Reflex."
Blaine: So true. So true.

Liv: Ravi, are you even listening?
Ravi: Half listening.

Blaine: Braaaaaaains! Braaaains. Kidding. Kind of. I do need brains. You got any?
Ravi: You've reverted to zombie form.
Blaine: If I haven't, things have just gotten kinky.

Ravi: New Hope, our test rat who reverted back to a zombie, she died.
Blaine: Too much to hope for a rat suicide?

Blaine: You wouldn't happen to have any clothes I could borrow? Maybe something vaguely remnant of punting on the Thames?

Pirate employees: Instead of happy birthday, we wish you happy arrrgh!

Clive: Where were you on Saturday night?
Dr. Benway: Home alone, weeping. My dating life isn't what it was.

Head wench: Benway! What the hell are you doing? Table twelve is waiting for their fresh and fruity pirate booty.

Ravi: Rationalization isn't just a river in Egypt. No, no, wait, that's denial. You should be good.

Max Rager science guy #1: We didn't know her. We don't have clearance to the basement.
Liv: There's a secret basement?
Max Rager science guy #2: Just a basement. I mean, yes, you need clearance but the existence of the basement is known so it's technically not a secret basement.

Ravi: I'm only giving this untested version to you because of the potential of your death leaving Seattle zombies unfed.
Blaine: So it's not the love that dare not speak its name brewing between us?
Ravi: Reasonably certain.
Blaine: Gotta go. I double parked the hearse. I hope you don't mind. I had to let out the crotch in those dungarees.

Mr. Boss: He was running a funeral home. Straight out of freshman English. Foreshadowing, hello!

Don E.: I can't believe we're going to bury [the drugs]. I'm a natural criminal. I don't see the point in being good.

Edited June 1, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Don E: Blaine, what's your go-to bagpipe player's name again? I know it's something Mac something.

Blaine: What's with the manhandling?
Don E: You were unconscious.
Blaine: Most people call that sleeping, but way to add the drama.

Peyton: I'm a lawyer. If I can't get out of a one page lease, I should be disbarred.

Peyton: Please try and rent the apartment across the hall.
Liv: So we can be like the friends from Friends!
Peyton: YES!
Ravi: Fantastic idea! Peyton is Monica-esque. You're clearly a Rachel. Type A, relationship drama.
Liv: Yeah, remember the episode where Ross and Rachel break up because she's a zombie who wants to solve murder cases?

Ravi: A guy with an ankle monitor gets a hot girlfriend yet some women won't date a guy who wears Crocs.

Ravi: I bet you think this dead stripper's about you, don't you?

Liv: Why can't [solving murders] all be this easy?
Ravi: Hooray for dumb criminals!

Major: Be honest, man. When I leave the house, you like to try on my clothes just to feel close to me.
Ravi: Sometimes.

Liv: I am going to smack the Wet N Wild right off her face! You're gonna flick me in the grill with your cheapass wannabe Ariana Grande clipon and then just hide in the bathroom?

Ravi: Blaine is having some issue with his memory.
Don E: It's a little more than an issue. He can't remember anything - who he is, who we are.
Liv: Does he remember that he's a dick?
Ravi: He must have taken the cure.
Blaine: The cure for what?
Liv: The cure for being an undead psychopath. Now you're just a psychopath. You might have to change your business cards.

Liv: There's loyalty and there's being an idiot. Sometimes it looks the same.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Bort]

Liv: That was like interrogating a puddle.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Radio guy: Welcome back to Pacific West University's student radio. Tonight our two candidates for president of the student senate are taking questions from our listeners and our first one comes from Jen K via twitter. "Why should I care about the election? #realtalk" Bailey, your response?
Bailey: My first priority is to make the student senate accessible to the student body. As Thomas Payne once said, "It is not in numbers but in unity that our great strength lies."
Brody: Uggggggh, there you go again. First, Jen, you sound super hot. #letshangout As House of Pain once said, "Get out your seat and jump around."
Radio guy: A stirring rebuttal.

Major: Everything I have done is to protect [Liv].
Ravi: Not to be funny, but that's what she said.

Major: Tastes nasty, feels great!

Blaine: You're Donny, right?
Don E: Don E.

Don E: Division of labor, Grand Master B - that's how productivity happens.

Major: Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh, what a beautiful day!
Ravi: We're inside.
Major: Well, that is where the warmest rays of light come from - inside!

Major: Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Ravi: She was strangled to death with a cord of some sort, garroted like Luca Brazi. Fitting that she too then went to sleep with the fishes.

Clive: Do any of your talking points address why you had someone else take your SATs for you?
Brody: Okay, first of all, the SATs are culturally biased. It's a fact.

Brody: Bailey was never going to go through with that threat.
Liv: Why not?
Brody: Same reason Russia never tried to nuke us - mutually assured destruction. C+ in twentieth century American history! Whaaat?
Austin: We had dirt on her too. My bro's cousin's girlfriend's roommate saw her getting busted selling Addy but the school pulled strings, got the charges dropped.

Vaughn: That's Rob Thomas! There's something so compelling about the stuff he writes. And on a related note, did you know that you were conceived at a Santana concert?

Gilda: That's your plan? To cure me?
Vaughn: That's my top priority. I mean, after the Super Max launch.

Dale: Well, if it isn't Blaine John De Beers McDonough Doe Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Blaine: i was just looking for the morgue.
Clive: Picking up or dropping off?

Blaine: I really seem to inspire negative reactions in people. Is it something I said?

Ravi: Remember how I was telling you about that guy whose life you ruined? You know, how you turned his fiancee into a zombie then cost him his job, killed a bunch of kids that were close to him, kidnapped him, locked him in a freezer and tortured him before finally stabbing him to death? Yeah, this is him.

Blaine: I thought the worst part about this whole thing was forgetting the people I loved or the people that loved me, but maybe nobody did.
Major: You know, who we were isn't who we are. It's practice for who we want to become.

Liv: I made a map and an inventory sheet. I'll laminate the map but not the inventory. We'll need to update that as it changes.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Actionmage]

Don E.: Am I your first?! ( to Boss hitman)

 

Clive (to costumed waiter at Max Rager HQ): Major?

Waiter: Art History; it's why I'm doing this.

 

Rita ( to Liv, Major &Clive): We've all seen Major naked.

Clive: (clears throat) Not...I haven't.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Clive: Broody expressions don't show up on tape. Use your words.

Major: So you've got no bodies and no motive.

Stone: This case is Oscar the Grouch's dream house. It's a pile of garbage.

Major: Worst case?
Stone: Depends. [whispers] Did you do it? No, I'm kidding.

Blaine: Brains, brains, the magical food. The more you eat, the less you brood.

Stone: You're saying my client shot up a butcher and peed in the freezer?

Stone: Quid pro quo, Bernice. Silence of the Lambs.
Peyton: I think it's Clarice, but okay.

Liv: Major is a zombie.
Clive: Metaphorically?
Liv: Literally.

Don E: Where the hizell is Blaine with my Thai food?
[door opens]
Don E: The rice man cometh.

Mr. Boss: This is Seattle, not Sleepy Hollow.

Clive: I'm still processing zombies and now you're giving me secret labs?

Major: It turns out the party at Max Rager tonight is a lock in down in their underground parking lot. Prison themed - because of their new Super Max drink.
Clive: A prison theme. White people.

Ravi: So, what? You plan on Weekend at Bernie's-ing a dead Janko through the halls of Max Rager?

Major: Of course not.
Liv: We'll just take his hand.
Clive: You're going to cut off a dead man's hand and use it to open an elevator?
Ravi: I think it's Janko's mercenary brain that's making them think this is a reasonable idea.

Rita: Wow, you're doing all this for me?
Vaughn: Yeah, I am!
Rita: Yet you couldn't hold an elevator door open for three seconds.
Vaughn: You really need to get move past this, Rita. Grudges are like poison for the qi.

Guard: Say it was Rob Thomas. You wouldn't believe the crap that guy gets away with.

Vaughn: Cell block mango or convicted melon?

Vivian: I only drink liquor that comes out of a barrel the way God intended.

Vaughn: [Rob Thomas]'s music is ripped from the headlines of my soul!

Vaughn: Ahhh, Detective Babineaux and...Daft Punk. Normally this would be a great surprise but I really hate party crashers. If you're not invited, just don't come. Simple manners, really.

Clive: Poor Rob Thomas.
Liv: This is how a skull breaks.

Liv: A massive zombie outbreak means never having to say you're sorry.Blaine: If I go out, it's going to be in a blaze of glory, not by friendly fire.
Ravi: Just so you know, I'm squad leader of my Call of Duty world league challenge division team. I know what I'm doing.

Clive: Uh, thank you?
Vivian: Vivian Stole, Fillmore Graves Enterprises.
Clive: Clive Babineaux, Seattle PD. This is Liv Moore from the medical examiner's office.
Vivian: You're going to be a busy girl.
Major: Major Lillywhite, personal trainer.

Rita: Hey, roomie.
Liv: Well, if it isn't the poster child for poetic justice.

Rita; Come on, guys. We're all on the same side here. We all hate my dad!

Rita: Just punch in 867-5309. What can I say? Dad loves the 80s.

Vaughn: She shot him. Shot him dead! Well, more dead.

Rita: Did you ever care about me?
Vaughn: Do you hear yourself? Making this moment about you!

Vaughn: One hundred dead employees, one dead Rob Thomas. This just looks bad.

Vaughn: Will no one rid me of this meddlesome Jason Priestley type?

Major: Here's Major!
Vaughn: I can see you're upset.
Major: I would not go out there. There's zombies and poison gas.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[fastiller]

Major: It turns out the party at Max Rager tonight is a lock in down in their underground parking lot. Prison themed - because of their new Super Max drink.

Clive: A prison theme. White people.

 

My favorite! It was all in the delivery.

[bettername2come]

Blaine: I'm an acquired taste. Like gazpacho or that free U2 album.

 

Liv: You killed the fourth man on the moon?

Blaine: Nobody cares about the fourth person to do anything.

Edited February 7, 2017 by bettername2come

[Minneapple]

Don E.: They're playing checkers, my boy Blaine is playing Monopoly.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cavanaugh: You're district attorney. [Blaine]'s a stool pigeon. Why would Mr. Boss think he could draw out Mr. Doe by kidnapping you?
Blaine: It had gotten back to Mr. Boss that I had developed feelings for Miss Charles.
Cavanaugh: And those feelings were...
Peyton: Unreciprocated.
Cavanaugh: Yeah, but talk about grand gestures.
Ravi: Unreciprocated, she said. You didn't get that down.
Cavanaugh: Only cause I can't spell it.

Liv: [Vivian] knew that I was [a zombie].
Ravi: Well, you don't do much to hide it.

Clive: I don't think I can roll with this. What if in the history of the zombie wars, I'm the human who had a chance to say something and I sat on my hands?
Ravi: Bright side - the writer of the history of the zombie wars will very likely be a zombie and you'll be viewed as a hero.

Fillmore-Graves poster: Don't be that guy! Tan and dye!

Liv: According to the promo, [Chuck Bird] is about to speak live to what he claims is an eye witness to the Max Rager massacre who they claim has an unbelievable story to tell that will shake our faith in our institutions.
Clive: We need to stop that interview. Why didn't you drive straight there?
Liv: I don't have a badge or a siren.

Major: Guess who found a job? A job where no one cares if you've been publicly accused of being a serial killer.

Don E.: Did you see the last Star Trek movie?
Angus: I missed that one somehow.
Don E.: It's a good flick. You should check it out. In it, Kirk said this thing that stuck with me - the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Angus: That was Kautilya in Arthashastra.
Don E.: I'm pretty sure it was Kirk in Star Trek.

Liv: I need some aspirin. And a new brain.
Ravi: Is that so, scarecrow? Well, I need a new heart. We're off to see the-
[door opens and a cadaver is rolled in]
Ravi: Look at that. You say it. It happens.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Wally: Is that mustache real?
Clive: No, I glued it on to give myself more authority in situations like this.
Wally: You look like black Tony Stark.
Clive: What happened to your arm?
Wally: Fighting off the ladies. You know how it is.
[Wally looks Clive up and down]
Wally: Maybe you don't.

Cavanagh: Why does a private military contractor buy out an energy drink company?
[Ravi, Liv, and Clive are silent]
Cavanagh: Not a lot of brain stormers in the group, huh?

Stan: You can't stay mad at me forever, jellybean.
Cindy: There is literally nothing more annoying than you calling me jellybean.
Stan: Nothing? Not even when I sing 80s rock ballads or talk like a dolphin?

Liv: This is Stanley Chen, 50 year old regional bank manager. And this is his 15 year old ice skating enthusiast daughter.
Major: Dibs on the dad. You guys know I hate the cold and I would love to get my finances in order.
Clive: You should eat the daughter. Words I never thought I'd hear myself say.
Ravi: The new normal.

Liv: Suck it up, Lillywhite. I was a teenage girl for seven whole years. I think you can handle a week.

Ravi: Look at us all working together to solve mysteries. We should get a van and a dog.

Major: [Peyton] slept with Blaine which, first of all, eww. Second of all, I can't even.

Clive: It took me twenty minutes to get out of the parking lot because Liv insisted on checking my oil.
Ravi: Here it's been all selfies and sour gummies and Demi Lovato.

Liv: I saw what was on Cindy's phone. It was a selfie Winslow took. She was in bed with a shirtless man and the man appeared to be in his 40s.
Major: EWWWW.

Liv: Should I be the first to point out that the cradle robber works at a nursery?

[bethy]

Ravi: Thanks, Dad Brain.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Major: It's like if someone ate brains and old yogurt and then momma birded then into a tube.
Ravi: You should put a note about the texture in the suggestion box.

Clive: I'm told you found the body.
Ladybird: I opened [the yoga studio] this morning and there he was, sitting on his zafu cushion. He died doing what he loved.
Clive: Sitting?
Ladybird: Meditating. Topher was a powerful mindfulness teacher. Everyone loved him.
Clive: It doesn't seem like everyone loved him. Did he have any exes or angry clients?
Ladybird: Topher said he only had one enemy - the inability to accept the gift of change.

Clive: Zen guru beaten to death with a Buddha statue. Feels personal.
Ravi: Or a tragic misunderstanding of "open your mind."

Clive: That better be tartar sauce.
Liv: Ewwww.

Liv: Let's get you a barrel of wet wipes and then we can go find our Cinderella.
Clive: How about I go shower and you go have a little lunch?

Peyton: This should be obvious, but I'm going to say it anyway - your opinion in this matter is irrelevant. What did you come here for, Ravi? Did you come to say you're sorry? Or were you hoping maybe I'd apologize to you?

Peyton: I thought you were abducted by the Chaos Killer.
Angus: Oh, I was, but I escaped. I'm crafty.

Don E: I was thinking a pinball machine next to the crapper.
Angus: We need a name, one that would assure customers they would never encounter pinball or the word crapper.

Don E: I was thinking-
Angus: I don't think you should start sentences that way anymore.

Liv: Identity's just a hallucination of the unenlightened mind.

Ravi: My serum to reverse memory loss is ready, hypothetically. Human memory's more complex than a rat's. I have no way to test it.
Major: There's never a chimp suffering from dementia around when you really need one.

Ravi: You should do that in a clown mask next time. I might actually have a heart attack.

Clive: We're on a stakeout and your eyes are closed.
Liv: You know, you'd be calmer if you lived in the moment.

Liv: Can we get over this fixation of who did what when?
Clive: It's a murder investigation.

Cop: Detective Babineaux? I just got a report from a woman about a pimp yelling at a hooker in a car.
Clive: Meaning us?
Liv: You have been snippy with me.

Major: We're on zumba instructor brain.

Liv: Fear of death is the lock of humanity's prison.

Angus: That'll do, pig.

Don E: What about our customers who aren't crazy rich? Because I gotta say, having Dino here whack a guy every time you want lunch is super 1%.

Peyton: You love me? Then why have you been so awful to me?  Why haven't you been there for me? I was held at gunpoint, Ravi. I thought I was going to die and yet somehow you've made this about you, about your pride, about your jealousy.

Peyton: Don't you get it? The one thing that's stopping us from happening is you.

Edited June 1, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[fastiller]

9 minutes ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Clive: I'm told you found the body.
Ladybird: I opened [the yoga studio] this morning and there he was, sitting on his zafu cushion. He died doing what he loved.
Clive: Sitting?
Ladybird: Meditating. Topher was a powerful mindfulness teacher. Everyone loved him.
Clive: It doesn't seem like everyone loved him. Did he have any exes or angry clients?
Ladybird: Topher said he only had one enemy - the inability to accept the gift of change.

Preceded by the "well, I'll be" from Clive at Ladybird's license, makes the entire scene.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Imagine being found like that on the office toilet. One more reason to telecommute.

Ravi: I hate sex slavery as much as anyone but I don't feel like going out in public at the moment.
Major: Ravi, it's a stakeout. We'll hunker down in my car. You don't even have to wear pants.
Ravi: Why not? I got nothing else to live for.
Major: And we know you're good at waiting in cars.

Liv: There are like 80 movies here. How long did you work in the porn business?
Rhonda: Five months.

Ravi: What's this Osborne Oates do anyway?
Major: He's in the diamond biz.
Ravi: Oh, a Bond villain. Good.

Peyton: Ravi said someone should keep an eye on Blaine in case he starts to, you know-
Blaine: Die.

Major: Damn it, we're losing him.
Ravi: "We"? I told you to drive faster.

Liv: I'm still only halfway through my half of the zombie haters message board. No sex, no intrigue. Just "zombies bad," blah blah blah.

Liv: We need to find a Rhonda Hardbody porno where she plays a private eye's sexy Italian client.
Ravi: Why not? I've got nothing better to do.
Liv: It's one of the movies on this list. Focus on the crime thrillers.
Ravi: So ignore remakes of classics such as The Magnificent Seven-way. Bone Her - no doubt part of the Criterion Hardcore Collection.
Liv: If you're not up to it-
Ravi: I'll muddle through.

Clive: What do you two want to show me?
Ravi: Rhonda in the role of Lady Effamia Duro looking for her husband's killer in the hard-boiled XXX thriller Hump Me Deadly. I found it after going through her porn noirs. The Maltese Phallus, Farewell My Lusty, Dial M for Moisture.
Clive: Okay, I get it.

Ravi: Does this mean you'll be bringing Rhonda back in again? Would asking an autograph be out of bounds?

Harley: At the time of the incident, I was with my family.
Liv: Klan rally?
Harley: I prefer the term picnic.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Justin: If we make it out of here, I'm transferring to accounting.

Liv: She was a dominatrix, Ravi, a dominatrix who went by the name Sweet Lady Pain.
Ravi: Oh, that. You're already a bit on the bossy side. I doubt anyone would even notice.

Liv: Crawl over here, piggy, and bring me my gloves.
Clive: No.

[Clive in Sweet Lady Pain's sex dungeon]
Clive: Silverware? People eat in here?
Liv: Big deal. Half my meals are consumed in a morgue.

Jimmy: You want me to do nine different sketches? Did you see the starting lineup of a baseball team murder someone?

Liv: Suspect number 6, dimpled chin, high cheekbones, barbells in each of his nipples.
Jimmy: This is kind of from a neck up situation.
Liv: Draw the nipples, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Elevating my blood sugar might help me work faster. I brought my lunch.
Liv: Two bites.
Jimmy: It's soup.

Sweet Lady Pain: Look at this [spoon]. It's as filthy as you are.
Johnny Frost: Please, do not punish me, Sweet Lady Pain. Punish me! Punish me hard!

Johnny Frost: Frankly, I resent being questioned every time a hooker or stripper or dominatrix gets killed in this town. Why don't you ever bother me when someone murders a plumber?

Clive: Are you aware [Sweet Lady Jane] recorded her sessions?
Johnny Frost: Am I wrong to find that unethical?

Liv: Ask me another question, Jimmy, and I will put you over my knee.
Jimmy: Really?

Liv: Hey.
Brandt Stone: Hay is for horses. Grabbing is for friends and lovers.

Brandt Stone: Any other questions you'd like me to expertly evade?
Liv: Yes. Can you order a Catholic schoolboy's uniform in a 44 tall or do you have to have that specially made?

Brandt: My client has information in the Roxanne Greer case but we have a conundrum. Relaying what he knows may or may not indicate that he violated the law.
Clive: He either broke the law or he didn't. Which is it?
Brandt: It's both. And it's neither.

Liv: Only an idiot would trust a blackmailer to destroy the [video] footage. Say it out loud. "I'm an idiot."

Liv: And we're strolling. Stroll faster!
Ravi: You can't stroll faster. It's no longer strolling. It's striding.

Ravi: Zucchini. Fiddlesticks. Mollycoddle.
Liv: What are you doing?
Ravi: I'm making one of these my safe word.

Clive: You want to be bad cop. That requires genuine intimidation.

 

 

 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: I was doing the science stuff but this new Tove Lo single is so intense.

Liv: Clive, we haaaave to go to Ice Ship. It's just, like, the bomb. And also for like clues and stuff.

Ravi: You still know your way around Battle of Pegasus.
Major: Nazis are the bad guys, right?

Liv: I think she was killed for being awesome.

Liv: Ravi, please, can you run out? I've been doing crime stuff all day and I really need a water with, like, extra stuff and molecules. 

Liv: Nels, you seem very perceptive. I'm perceptive too so I can tell when other people are. Did you sense anything about Yvonne? Trouble or...?
Nels: You know what I sensed? She was a crap DJ. I DJ myself so I know.

Clive: Are you drinking?
Liv: It's a questioning technique. Loosening him up, forming a bond.

Liv: Is Good Old Major planning on New Major being a real dick?
Major: If only to make people appreciate Good Old Major. The guy was a sweetheart.
Liv: I'm cool with that. As long as he doesn't speak in the third person like Good Old Major used to.
Major: Yeah, Good Old Major was pretentious in that way.

Don E.: I'm bringing you an amazing one time deal. I've got a client at my night club, trust fund kid, loaded. Zombie life doesn't agree with him and he's down, moaning how he wishes he had a cure. For one dose, he is offering $100,000. We can split it 50/50. 50K - that buys a lot of sweaters or whatever it is you're into.

Edited May 10, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Peyton: Who's Natalie?
Liv: Major's zombie hooker friend.

Liv: You're a murderer, a drug dealer, a con artist, a thief-
Blaine: And a midnight toker, but I didn't steal your doses of the cure.

Kid: Look, mommy. Those panties look just like yours!

Ravi: Carpentry accident?
Clive: I was thinking of ruling it a homicide. Appears to be a crime of passion.
Liv: Ya think? I mean, one nail in the head, could be a financial dispute but the bonus thirteen? Someone was irked.

Clive: Do you think you can get the killer's height from the angle of the nails?
Ravi: Sure, if you can tell me which of the fourteen nails went in first.

Clive: What can you tell me about STD36?
Ravi: Nothing. But only because STD #1 taught me some hard lessons.
Liv: Don't look at me.

Parker Abrams, Esquire: It doesn't make sense. A man living paycheck to paycheck doesn't pay a dominatrix $500 in cash.
Peyton: I understand your client's income isn't ideal for paying sex workers in cash, but strong decision making isn't exactly his strong suit, is it?

Liv: Quiet coyote! Ears open, mouth closed, stop, listen, and learn.

Fillmore Graves guy 1: There's no sign [for the speakeasy].
Fillmore Graves guy 2: That's how you know it's cool.

Ravi: Don E. runs a zombie bar? He doesn't exactly give off an upper management vibe
Liv: I'd say more of a "huffed paint at critical developmental stages" vibe.

Major: The place is full of rowdy, horny, boozed up zombies and frankly, you're not at peak badass on preschool teacher brain. You see the potential in everyone.
Ravi: You told me I could be an astronaut if I studied hard enough.
Major: Me too! We don't all want to be astronauts, Liv.

Liv: Maybe you should explain my boyfriend history to [Justin].
Ravi: It is sort of like being the drummer in Spinal Tap.

Colman Baker: You want a coffee? Tea?
Clive: No.
Liv: No what, Clive?
Clive: No thank you.

Major: Duct tape, blood pressure cuff. What kind of party are y'all headed to?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Vivian: All those heroics while taking multiple stab wounds to the stomach. You know what that shows me?
Major: That there's no such thing as abs of steel?

Liv: Did [Vivian] promote you? Do we get to start calling you Major Major?

Finn Vincible: You've seen me tweeze and lemon juice my happy trail!

Ravi: When I need a laugh, I go on [Stunted Growth's] youtube page and watch them puke in a stranger's soup or smack each other wish fish. It's hilarious.

Clive: So this guy jumps through a flaming hoop dressed as the scarecrow and burns to death. I didn't get called in to present a Darwin Award. How is this murder?

Clive: The Stunted Growth guys are here. They pickpocketed Officer Jones' taser gun and one of them shot the other in the face.

Liv: Hang on a second. I'm just stapling this guy's tongue.

Don E.: Check it out! We got a grand opening gift basket from the Seattle chamber of commece.
Tanner: That is one big ass prune.
Don E.: It's a fig, dumbass.

Stunted Growth guy: Why you gotta ask so many questions, man?
Clive: It's an interrogation. That's kind of the point.

Tanner: Tupac's most definitely a zombie. Dude gets capped but he's still releasing songs.
Don E: You know I bet's a zombie? Christina Ricci. She gives off a real zombie vibe.

Angus: Donald, fix me another old fashioned. Try not to muddle the muddling this time. Crush, then stir. Don't jam it in like it's prom night.

Blaine: After you would beat me or humiliate me or psychologically torture mom, I'd visit this well and toss a penny inside and wish you'd drop dead.

Angus: You were miserable because I beat you? I beat you because you were miserable.

Angus: You were a waste of my sperm.

Blaine: There's about a dollar forty in pennies down there, dad.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: Sixty feet away, your first suspect awaits, a nocturnal creature whose loyalties are in question. Strength - below average. Charisma - below average.

Clive: Your group was pretend killed by poison last week and this week your dungeon master was real life killed by poison.

Major: Hey, you know that stealing mail is a federal offense, right?
Ravi: I was hiding mail.

Major: I may never be loved or have sex again unless I move to some backwoods civilization that doesn't consume news like Pullman. Oh, sick Wazoo burn.
Ravi: Wazoo?
Major: Washington State. Share my cultural touchstones. Listen to this love letter. "When they make a Chaos Killer tv movie, I hope you watch it in hell with your pal Ted Bundy."
Ravi: You didn't actually kill anyone.
Major: Yeah, the joke's on them. I'm not pals with Ted Bundy either.

Liv: I didn't know you were into comics.
Clive: Just the Flash. His dad didn't have much faith in him either.
Liv: Awww.
Clive: I'm messing with you. He was super fast and he had a cool name.

Liv: Maybe you didn't bet cash. Maybe you bet some erotic cosplay involving halfling feet.

Diego: He used to be blonde. Then he found out Zoe was a Twihard and then he became Vampire Steve.

Clive: I buy a small farm and retire from our adventure.

Major: I am Sir Jay Esclaborn, the human paladin.
Liv: I don't remember your character earning a knighthood.
Major: Oh, he's not a knight. His first name is SirJay.
[Ravi gives Major a fist bump]

Liv: And you, madame?
Peyton: Hi, Brangelina Darkspain. Dark elf assassin.
Liv: And who might this stout fellow be?
Clive: Earl, dwarf fighter.

Peyton: What's a litch?
Liv: A litch is a terrible creature, a member of the undead.
Major: Gross.
Ravi: Kill it! Kill the undead creature.
Peyton: Let me get this straight. We can go and find Castle What's His Nuts, fight that thing, come back, and we'll get rewarded by this little old lady or we could just tie up this little old lady and take what we want now.

Dale: You were right about Major Lillywhite not being a mass murderer. Turns out he was just a mass kidnapper.

Peyton: That went over like a fart in a phonebooth.

Blaine: [Floyd] was willing to literally take a bullet for his son. Can you imagine what that would be like, growing up with a father that cares that much? Yeah, me neither. Hungry? [tosses a piece of brain down the well to Angus] That's from an impotent proctologist, by the way. Enjoy.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Blaine: It's like corrupt officials in Bangladesh don't even want to make money.

Tanner: I thought we'd be the kids taking the tour, man. Look around you. We're the oompa loompas.

Harley: Why's he acting like he's on Hogan's Heroes?

Liv: Most prosecutors would be happy that the person they've put away is actually guilty.
Peyton: Yeah, but my desire to be right is even greater than my desire to win.

Peyton: Who are you talking to?
Liv: Drake!
Peyton: Uh, Drake, old boyfriend Drake?
Liv: No, Drake the multi-platinum hip hop star.

Peyton: Watching my zombie roommate talk to a ghost? That's just what I call a Tuesday.

Liv: I used to think ghosting was a rude way to end a relationship but I'd much prefer the millennial way of doing things to an old timey style haunting because this whole "ghost of boyfriends I shot in the head" thing - really not working for me.

Ghost Drake: What do you think this guy benches? Can he fix a sink? Recite every Green Day lyric?

Liv: It's not you. It's my ex-boyfriend.
Justin: So you're kissing me but you're thinking about your ex?
Liv: No, of course not. I'm hallucinating him.

Ghost Drake: Anyone got a pottery wheel?

Blaine: You know what? I am real tired of getting shot.

Jin: This chick is a mutant.
Lawyer: A mutant?
Jin: That's what I said. We tussled, her eyes went red, and her face got all...mutant-ish.
Lawyer: Mutant-ish.
Jin: Lady, will you stop repeating my words like I'm crazy?
Liv: I kicked his ass. That's all that happened. If he wants to give me superpowers to make himself feel better, then I say let him.
Peyton: I'm interested in hearing more about these mutant powers. Did she know martial arts?
Jin: Damn right she did. She was skilled.
Peyton: As skilled as a ninja perhaps?
Jin: Totally.
Peyton: She's a mutant ninja. Did she have a round shell? Hankering for pizza?

Mrs. Oberman: A couple of weeks ago, Gary surprised me with a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. He fell overboard. Do you know how common that is?
Clive: They're usually murders or suicides.

Bo: You want to know where zombies come from?
Ravi: I do.
Bo: The Shah of Iran.
Ravi: Would not have been my first guess.

Blaine: I'm eating a human brain so that makes me a....
Boss: Cannibal?
Blaine: Technically, I suppose, but that's not the answer I'm looking for. I'm eating a human brain. I'm indestructible. Therefore, I am a...
Boss: Serial killer?
Blaine: Again, technically.

[LoneHaranguer]

14 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Peyton: Watching my zombie roommate talk to a ghost? That's just what I call a Tuesday.

It's a pity this one will lose its meta layer in syndication.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Blaine: My rage wore off. I need you to zap me so I can tear down this gate.
Liv: With pleasure.
Ravi: Liv, please, can I?

Chase: Who are you?
Blaine: I'm the guy who just rescued a zombie from being tortured live on the internet.

Don E: I thought you might have ethics or some such nonsense.

Rachel: What's that?
Ravi: It's my roommate's sex fort.

Ravi: Your roomate is the Chaos Killer. I need to get out of here.
Major: Chaos Kidnapper, if you must know.

Shawna: I'm not getting off until you say yes.
Major: I don't think you understand how ultimatums work.

Major: A selfie stick? I knew this was too good to be true.

Don E: All those people that night on the street in Vegas. No one sees the shooter.
Blaine: That's because he didn't get shot! Look at the cover of Don Killuminati. There's Tupac crucified and in the liner notes it reads, and I quote - "Exit Tupac, enter Makaveli." He is alive and well and will return like the new messiah.
Don E: That's insane.
Blaine: Oh, so you think he's dead?
Don E: No, of course he's not dead! He's working for the feds as an informant and he's mowing his lawn in Scottsdale.
Liv: Stop! You two sound crazy. Sad to say but Tupac is dead and gone. Biggie Smalls' twin brother killed Tupac and if that twin that got shot in LA , Biggie at this moment is sipping mojitos in Havana.

Don E: Did we just have a threeway?

Edited June 14, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[jhlipton]

11 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Shawna: I'm not getting off until you say yes.

Major: I don't think you understand how ultimatums work.

Shawna: I'm not getting you off until you say yes.

[Karlophe]

6 minutes ago, jhlipton said:

Shawna: I'm not getting you off until you say yes.

Between this and Ravi's old boss saying that she wanted to "bounce something off of him" I think someone in the writers room has been feeling frisky. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Where have you been? I've had to do all this county paperwork myself.
Liv: Just tracking Harley Johns to his secret outhouse bunker, realizing he'd turned into a zombie, subduing him, stashing him in a freezer.
Ravi: Ah. well, I did the paperwork.

Katty: You all right?
Ravi: Just an old quidditch injury.

Chase: The internet, huh? Weird to think there was a time when people didn't post all the details of their lives for everyone to see.

Chase: Sex tent - a haiku.
We built a sex tent.
We did it in the sex tent.
Then we did it some more.
Not even a proper haiku, is it?
Major: Sir, I ended that.
Chase: Wise, but not the point.

Ravi: Someone's running late today.
Liv: Yes, but that someone is now out front at the coffee cart and ready to take your order.
Ravi: Forgiven. I'll have a triple full fat chai latte with light foam and extra cinnamon.
Liv: You're the worst.

Clive: So this is what you look like!

Ravi: Dead kittens! Winston Churchill eating fried chicken! Flatulent Jabba the Hutt!

Interview #1: I told her about the man sitting next to me. He was very suspicious.
Clive: How so?
Interview #1: He was one of those...you know. [looks at Ravi] Like you. And he had one of those hoozie whatzits on his head.
Ravi: A hoozie whatzit.
Interview #1: One of those Muslim thingamabobs. Like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard.
Ravi: So by hoozie whazit you mean turban, and by Muslim you mean Sikh, and by like me you mean brown.
Interview #1: Yes.
Ravi: Wow.

Natalie: Oh, please. Like I'd be seen at the Space Needle with the Chaos Killer.

Major: Lately I've been really into lying on the couch and looking up - sometimes sideways.

Natalie: I rented a place in Positano. I may have been a working girl, but I was no dummy. I saved.
Major: Like Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

Liv: There's something kind of cowboy about being on the road all the time. I think Bon Jovi wrote a song about you.

Ravi: It's not my fault we brain banged. Most women can't help thinking of sex when they look at me. You'll get used to it. I have to ask. Did you see my-
Liv: I don't want to talk about it.
Ravi: I'll take that as a yes. And you're welcome.

Liv: Your sex fantasy is about furniture.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

On 6/14/2017 at 4:46 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Shawna: I'm not getting off until you say yes.

Major: I don't think you understand how ultimatums work.

 

On 6/14/2017 at 4:28 PM, jhlipton said:

Shawna: I'm not getting you off until you say yes.

Nope, I went back and rewatched just to make sure. The original quote is correct.

[jhlipton]

5 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

 

Nope, I went back and rewatched just to make sure. The original quote is correct.

This dialog came first:

On 6/14/2017 at 7:46 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Shawna: I'm not getting off until you say yes.

Major: I don't think you understand how ultimatums work.

Then this:

On 6/14/2017 at 7:28 PM, jhlipton said:

Shawna: I'm not getting you off until you say yes.

I wasn't correcting your quote; just adding to it.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

5 hours ago, jhlipton said:

I wasn't correcting your quote; just adding to it.

The line after is:

Shawna: Oh, okay, smartass. You're not getting off until you say yes.

[jhlipton]

48 minutes ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

The line after is:

Shawna: Oh, okay, smartass. You're not getting off until you say yes.

OK, I am corrected, but you see what I was going for.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Don E.: Choreographer blue brain is a big hit. We should up the price.

Liv: I can't find a body for this leg.
Ravi: It's like the most horrible jigsaw puzzle ever.

Clive: You snuck into [Chase's hotel] room?
Liv: Not so much snuck into as backed into while making out.

Liv: I was on Katty's brain! The woman wasn't choosy about her lovers.
Ravi: Thanks.

Chase: Too much to hope this is a bootie call?

Chase: Maybe I should call my lawyer. Are you charging me with something? Or am I charging you with something? This is so confusing.

Blaine: Look at this place. It's emptier than a Glasgow pay toilet.

Clive: I'm not going to be able to sleep until I've got that vaccine coursing through my veins.
Ravi: Insomnia is actually one of the earliest symptoms of Aleutian flu.

Dale: Fun date.
Clive: There'll be time for fun after we're vaccinated.
Dale: Every great love story starts with those words.

Johnny Frost: What is it this time? Murder at the local all night massage parlor? You're rounding up the usual suspects?

Ravi: What's it like out there for someone rocking the old school zombie look?
Liv: Lots of moving trucks heading out of the city and it seemed like every driver only slowed down long enough to flip me the bird.

Ravi: What I want, more than anything, is to feel like I left the world a better place and that for doing so I was richly rewarded with a medical patent worth billions of dollars which I would then drop into the ghettos, barrios, and favelas of the world from my helicopter with Chakrabarti painted down the side.

[dcalley]

Ravi: This new world is going to take some getting used to.

Clive: Why bother? Someone's probably going to nuke us any day now.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Clint: Why did they have to choose Seattle? They should have taken their filthy virus to New England and scratched some of those chowder slurping sons of bitches!

Blaine: Gotta hand it to the red, white, and blue. One day they decide to wall off the city and 72 hours later, we're living in Baghdad.

Ravi: I believe I've arrived at a cause of death - ground up in a giant mixing bowl. No, wait a minute. Let me recheck my work.  Yeah, ground to death in a mixing bowl.

Blaine: Chase Graves, man. What's he got that I don't got, dad? Oh, that's right. An army. What's that old proverb? Mo' money, mo' problems.

Blaine: It's a shame you raised me to like nice things. Love you! Mean it! Ciao!

Liv: Russell Wilson, I would have your babies.
Clive: Try to dial it down a bit, Liv. Let's not remind them that zombie cops eat their loved ones.
Liv: Zombies are the worst. Pale ass brain eating bitches.

Clint's wife: The last thing I heard was this guy keyed Clint's car. Wrote something that riled up my husband.
Clive: You remember what it said?
Zorn: Richard Sherman is an average quarterback.
Liv: WHAT?!
Clive: That's kind of a lengthy thought to express in that particular medium.

Greeley: I'm a Niners fan. I have a sticker on my car, sure, but like most of America, it's because I hate the Seahawks. I hate how cocky they are.
Liv: It ain't cocky if you can back it up.
[Greeley looks at Clive]
Clive: It's true. They're awful.

Greeley: I'm being set up.
Liv: Typical Niners fan. It's never for your fault. It's the refs. It's the injuries.

Clive: Why'd you lie to us?
Liv: He's a Niners fan, Clive. They do dumb things. They resigned Blaine Gabbert, for god's sake.
Greeley: You want to talk dumb?
Liv: Dumb like running off Jim Harbach?
Greeley: At least we would have known you run Marshawn Lynch against a New England line when you have three downs to win the mother freaking Super Bowl!
[Liv's eyes turn red]
Clive: Liv, remain calm. You're going full on zombie.
Liv: It's called BEAST MODE.

Hopper: All I know so far is our John Doe watched a lot of porn.

Ravi: Liv! Clive! To what do we owe the pleasure?
Liv: Ravi, you're, um-
Clive: Naked.
Ravi: As a newborn.
Major: I should have given you guys a warning. Apparently this physicist whose brain he's on, yeah, he must have been a big time nudist as well.
Ravi: Naturist. I'm in harmony with nature and I'm never going back.

Don E: What are you on, third grader brain?

Chase: Until you wash out, get killed, or usurp me, you'll be working for us.

Edited February 27, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Aliconehead]

Quote

Clint's wife: The last thing I heard was this guy keyed Clint's car. Wrote something that riled up my husband.
Clive: You remember what it said?
Zorn: Richard Sherman is an average quarterback.
Liv: WHAT?!
Clive: That's kind of a lengthy thought to express in that particular medium.

I watch too much football and I don't mean to be that person but it was "Zorn: Richard Sherman is an average cornerback."  

[ElectricBoogaloo]

On 2/27/2018 at 12:24 PM, Aliconehead said:

I watch too much football and I don't mean to be that person but it was "Zorn: Richard Sherman is an average cornerback."  

This error should tell you exactly how much interest I have in the Seahawks!

The hilarious thing is that I even googled to see what his position was because I thought I heard them say "cornerback" on the show and then two seconds later, my brain still blocked it out and had me type "quarterback" instead.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Clive: This figure you saw running towards the trees. Were they holding anything? A gun?
Ravi: A golf ball gun?

Clive: The balls and clubs I get, but who the hell brings a suit of armor to play golf?

Clive: What are you doing back there?
Liv: Waiting on you to stop staring at me like the dumbest goat on the mountain. Drive!
Clive: You need to get in the front.
Liv: I'm almost tempted to. It smells like felon back here.
Clive: It does not smell like felon. What are you looking for? 
Liv: The button for the privacy divider You're a nice man, but you'd be so much nicer if I couldn't hear you.
Clive: All right, that's it. Get in the front. We're not going anywhere like this, Miss Daisy.

Liv: Where have you been hiding all my life? You're like a white Ricardo Montalban.

Gardener: hy would anyone kill such a nice old lady? Every day at sunset, she used to walk the gardens and tell me how much she loved them.
Liv: I bet she didn't love these gladiolas. They are crap. Crapiolas!

Chef: She wore that necklace on special occasions.
Clive: Really? I thought it sank to the bottom of the sea with the Titanic.
Liv: You made a joke.

Clive: Liv, you're going to need to dig deep and find a way to refrain from calling me dummy or stupid.

Major: What'd you see?
Ravi: Were you losing your virginity to Howard Hughes?

Clive: Ravi, got a sec?
Ravi: Actually, little swamped right now.
Clive: It's a personal matter of a sexual nature.
Ravi: I'm sorry, what I meant was I have all the time in the world! 
Clive:Okay, well, Dale and I - everything is great between us. 
Ravi: But? 
Clive: But for obvious reasons, we can't be intimate with each other, and it's becoming a problem.
Ravi: Have you tried mutual masturbation? It's like taking separate cars to the same firework show. 
Clive: We have. But you really can't replace sex with that and the urge is causing problems.
Liv: Well, hello! Boy, did I walk in at the right time. I had something to tell you, but yours is way more interesting.
Clive: This is a private conversation.
Liv: More like a conversation about touching privates. Don't mind me. Fine, I'll leave you boys alone.
Ravi: I'm dying to know how you think I can help in this situation.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: So now Harrison Ford loves millennials and haunted houses.

Liv: What's this? "Don E. And DJ Deep Cuts present Scratch Up: human versus zombie night, every Tuesday night at The Scratching Post. Can't we all just get along?" This can't be real. 
Ravi: Very real. Very tone deaf. Very much in their wheelhouse.
Liv: Exploiting the fragile state of human-zombie relations for a topical dance theme? Blaine must be really hard up for business.
Ravi: Or, you know, he's Blaine.

Clive: The best jokes are the ones you have to explain.

Clive: How do you know Ms. Wallace?
Allan: Um, we met online about a month ago. Uh, well, uh, 29 days, 18 hours and 30 six seconds ago. But who's counting, right?
Clive: And how did you two meet exactly?
Allan: Oh, we met in a Bridget Jones's Dairy chatroom.
Liv: Go on.

Allan: Lot of women who, uh, who love Bridget Jones say they want a Mark Darcy, but are really hung up on a Daniel Cleaver. Or worse, you know, a Daniel Cleaver who's posing as a Mark Darcy. 
Liv: The worst. 
Allan: Right? Yeah. But I'm a real Mark Darcy.

Liv: Allan, I know you're going through a lot right now. But human-zombie night at The Scratching Post is only once a week. And I think Annie would want you to find your next Bridget Jones, don't you?
Allan: I think she'd want me to wait a day.

Don E.: Chase Graves is here. Is that normal? Should I bring him a hooker?
Chase: I'm good with water.

Chase: Little dark in here. 
Blaine: It's a basement.
Chase: I'm referring to the ambiance. The look, the touch, the smell 
Blaine: The smell?
Chase: Decay. Rot. 
Blaine: We're dead, Chase. Maybe it's your upper lip.

Peyton: Liv's insisting I go with her to human-zombie night at The Scratching Post. She said she met her soulmate today. And he'll be there. But it sounds like he's a murder suspect she talked to for an hour.

Ravi: Um I nearly killed myself rushing over, because when I get a text that says, "Emergency, come over," I expect a degree of life or death stakes. Not a night out at the club. So, uh, hard pass.

Liv: Major, there is no easy way to tell you this, but I've met someone and I think he may be the love of my life.
Major: I've had a very long day unsuccessfully tracking down an incriminating video. Plus we're in a fight, so I'm gonna go make myself a burrito.

Liv: I can feel it, Peyton. The twirling forces of fate and destiny burning inside me, tickling my loins.
Peyton: Hmm. Like bad sushi.

Liv: Do you think there's anywhere to honeymoon in Seattle that doesn't feel like, "Help, I'm trapped here forever"?

Peyton: You've met him once, he's human, and he probably murdered his last girlfriend.
Liv: Nobody's perfect.

Liv: Human-zombie relationships can work. Look at Blive and Cozzio. 
Peyton: I'd rather read a book.

Ravi: It's like watching R2-D2 stick his extension arm into the Grand Canyon. 
Peyton: Sick robot callback.

Liv: Tim wrote his number on my hand last night, and it smeared off and now it's gone. Tim. Tim!
Peyton: Liv, I'm sure you can find another way to contact him.
Liv: How? I don't know his last name. I don't know where he works. All I know is he has these piercing emerald eyes and the smooth, velvety lips of a sex angel. And that's not exactly something you can google, is it?
Peyton: Not if you don't wanna see stuff you can't unsee.

Peyton: Aren't you forgetting a certain four-letter word that starts with "F"?
Liv: Funk? Fart? I give up.

Liv: Clive won't eat soup dumplings because they have too many secrets.

Liv: Dale. Cute name, Dale. Always reminds me of that mentally impaired cartoon chipmunk. You know, the one who was always going on adventures with Chip, but was really just a dead weight holding him back? Sorry, child of the '80s, way after your time.
Dale: Okay. Fun talk.

Anthony: Last time I was in one of these joints was 20 years ago when I cheated on my wife with a stripper. Went by the name of Roxy, gave me gonorrhea. But hey, what doesn't kill you, huh? 
Blaine: I love a man with a positive attitude.
Anthony: Smells nice. What is that? I'm getting, uh, cotton blossom with a hint of carrot cake.
Blaine: Red pomegranate.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv VO: Dear Diary, some mid-year resolutions: learn to love dieting, stop flirting with the mailman, and catch Bruce Holtz, the serial-killing human smuggler that Clive and I have been staking out all week. Poor Clive keeps sifting through the evidence, hoping to find something more than my vision that can connect Bruce to the victims, but those odds seem bleaker than finding a pair of size eight Manolo Blahniks at a Barney's warehouse sale. And so I couldn't help but wonder, had this hopeless romantic brain just left me hopeless? Being hot-boxed by carne asada here isn't helping. But Bruce isn't the only mystery man keeping me up at night. Tim - my lobster, my Dawson, my soulmate. That dreamy smile-
Clive: Liv? 
Liv VO: Those sexy, piercing eyes-
Clive: Not this again.
Liv VO: Lips so perfect, I keep asking myself -
Clive: Is that Colin Firth? 
Liv: Where?
[Clive laughs]
Liv: You're a secret mean girl.
Clive: You don't even know his last name. You wrote, "Mrs. Tim's wife."
Liv: Clive, what's even in a last name? 
Clive: Accountability. 
Liv: Overrated.

Don E.: Tanner, Tanner, Tanner. When are you gonna get it through your thick skull to lock the back door?
Tanner: It's these back to back night shifts. I get all scatterbrained.
Don E.: Yeah, I'm going to scatter your brains across the wall if I hear anymore bitching. I know plenty of zombies that would kill for your gig. I don't know, Blaine. Maybe we should give one of them a call.
Blaine: Maybe. But then, of course, we have to trick them into working full time without benefits. And we never pay overtime which even I feel bad about. So how about we just take the path of least resistance, and, Tanner, you learn how to lock the door?
Tanner: So I'm underpaid? 
Don E.: No.
Blaine: Tremendously.

Blaine: I'm sorry, I'm on these loose lips brains, hence, the loose lips. Do you know I sleep completely naked? 
Don E.: I'm not surprised.

Don E.: You have the zombie cures? 
Blaine: Uh-huh.
Don E.: Omigawd! We're going to be billionaires!
Blaine: No, no. I am a potential billionaire. You are a man who's desperate to prove his loyalty to me so you can reap the benefits of my success.
Don E.: That's fair.
Blaine: So here's your chance. I need all eyes on deck for these Renegade visions. You have nothing to fear but perhaps spilling your deepest and darkest secrets.
Don E.: Why not? I am a team player. After all, there is no I in billionaire. There's two. 
Blaine: There's three.
Don E.: The third one is silent.

Ravi: So, I swear, I'm not making this up. Larry, Moe, and Hurley. The names are Larry Nunn, Maurice Dubois, and Doug Hurley. Larry, Moe, and Hurley. That's insane.
Clive: It'd be insane if the last one was Curly. Like the Stooges.

Ravi: "Liv from the Scratching Post. Tim, my blue crew twinsie. You stole a kiss, then stole my heart." Liv, you didn't. You did not post a missed connection!
Clive: "I believe in feta"?
Liv: Fate! I was very hungry.
Clive: "And I know you felt our soulmate bond. I'll be at Human-Zombie night again this Tuesday. Meet me there. I want to spend the rest of my life decomposing with you."
Liv: What? It's zombie romance. 
Ravi and Clive: No. No, no, no, no.
Clive: It's desperate.
Ravi: It's what someone would point to if you decapitated a stranger at the back of a bus and they were looking for warning signs.

Ravi: Dr. Alistair Manningham-Chabra. I rowed at Eton, bowled for the Cambridge cricket team. I currently reside at a 1200 acre estate, though, for my sins, I find myself here on what I presumed would be a brief business trip. Please, you must help me return to England, to my beloved wife, now pregnant with child, no matter what the cost.
Liv: I love the new accent. Very Mark Darcy.
Clive: That was a new accent?

Clive: Was that your attempt at orchestrating a meet cute?
Liv: It was more of a mug cute.
Ravi: Or a meet cup.
Clive: Do not pile onto this parent trap.
Liv: You're really putting the no in Babineaux!

Restaurant guest: Is the art teacher brain local?
Blaine: Yes, she died right here in Rainier Valley. Screaming like a banshee. You don't wanna know. House fire.
RG: And this brain, the organic chemist?
Blaine: Oh, no, glorified intern. Don't waste your money.

Restaurant guest: Is that the guy in charge of Fillmore Graves? 
Blaine: It is. 
RG: Is he a friend of yours?
Blaine: No, no, no. He blackmails me.

Don E.: If my sister was as hot as yours, I'd be proud of it.
Blaine: I just had a vision while talking to a couple I can barely stomach. Renegade's operating out of a laundromat.
Don E.: Nice. Which one?
Blaine: There's more than one? I don't know anything about laundromats, I'm rich.
Don E.: My mom still does my laundry. Just one less thing for me to have to worry about. And she really enjoys it.

Liv: One cup sugar, two eggs, two teaspoons of vanilla extract. If only the recipe for love was as simple as a buttercream cake.
Peyton: Whoa. I remember this episode of Grey's Anatomy.

Peyton: Remember what we talked about?
Liv: Using police resources to find Tim is an abuse of power?
Peyton: Yes, but also fate, Liv. If Tim's a no show, it's not meant to be and you're meant to party with your awesome friends.

Liv: I could cut the sexual tension between you and Ravi with my artisanal cherrywood tomato knife.
Peyton: I know Nancy Meyers is holding your brain hostage, so I'm going to let that slide.

Liv: You try telling Clive that his forever person is looser than a bucket of fishing worms.

Ravi: I just need to get into character. The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. The rain in Spain-
Liv: Hello, Ravi. I'm a good girl, I am.
Ravi: Liv, I'm trying to channel Prince William and you sound like a garbage disposal with vocal fry.
Liv: I thought you were doing My Fair Lady, the OG makeover movie.

Liv: Ravi is a good liar. Like Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping good.
Clive: You think so? I thought he was chewing too much scenery.

Clive: I know you're pretty used to saying whatever you want without consequence, so let me draw a very clear boundary for you right now. My relationship with Dale is none of your business. And there's not a brain in the world you could be on that would change that. Not that it matters, because I suspect this is coming from you. So stop.

Liv: You still mad?
Clive: Yes.
Liv: How about now?
Ravi: Can we focus on me, please? Whatever your little thing is cannot possibly compare to my having to face a serial killer.

Ravi: What if things go wildly wrong? Shouldn't I have, like, a code word or something to indicated distress? 
Clive: Fine. What kind of code word? 
Ravi: Pickles. It's the first thing that came to mind. Probably because I just saw that guy walk by eating a pickle.

Ravi: So, um, this place he wants me to meet him - what's it like?
Liv: You remember that adorable French chocolate store from Chocolat? 
Ravi: Yeah.
Liv: It's not like that.

Clive: Nice work, Pickles.
Ravi: Let's agree that calling me that isn't going to become a thing, okay?

Major: Okay, here's the rules, two drink maximum. No hookers. 
Jordan: Oh, but I want a hooker.
Major: Definitely no blue brains. And most definitely an order of nachos for Major. I'm hitting the head.
Captain Seattle: Is that where they keep the hookers?

Ravi: Sweater Ravi versus Makeover Ravi. Who will win? Who will lose? Or are we living in a computer simulation?

Liv: And just like that, my Prince Charming turned into a horrible wart-covered zombie supremacist frog.

Liv: Goodbye, Tim. I guess I didn't need to know your last name after all. 
Tim: It's Timmerson. 
Liv: Tim Timmerson? No, thank you.

Edited March 20, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo