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Small Talk: Ughngnggh! Ugghhnnn!


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Remember the mock cursing on the 1978 Battlestar Galactica? "Mother dick!" is the new "frak!"

Reminded me of Saturday afternoons back in my college days, when a friend and I had a standing ritual of Beer Roulette - going down to the Korean-run package store down the street, getting a couple six-packs each of beer you'd never heard of that the Korean's cousin had shipped him (think they'd "fell off a truck" out in Seattle), and spend the afternoon watching Bad Bad Kung Fu Theater. Not just BAD Kung Fu Theater, mind you - BAD BAD Kung Fu Theater, where the films were so low-budget the producers had had the English dubbing done in Australia rather than the U.S. because it was cheaper. The results were hilarious. Ever picture two Shaolin monks greeting each other on the street with a "Crikey, mate!"? But I digress....

Anyways, my point (and I do have one) is this: the Australian dubbers had their own (Motion Picture Association of Australia-approved, I guess) set of replacement words and phrases for swears and epithets which popped up in the dubbing process. And two of our all-time favorites were "mothergrabber" and "motherscratcher" - used interchangeably.

So every time CarrotFlatTop popped off a "motherdick", I was in the floor with the thought of how the scene would sound with one of the alternate replacements....

...God, I've had a good life.

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Once upon a time I went to France, I had an Uncle who lived there and we happened across the movie with Kathy Bates where she kidnaps the author dude (Stephen King novel) and she makes him re-write the book where he had killed off the heroine. I was very enthused by how the french were gonna subtitle this. She loses her shit and starts yelling "he didn't get out of the cock-n-doody car!" (they were at a loss I'm sure and left that as is) and then at the end once he has done her bidding, his ritual is to smoke one cigarette and have a glass of champagne...dun dun dun! DOM PERIGNON, which the premise of the scene was that she mis-pronounces it. Dom Per-IG-non. Apparently the french find nothing funny about mispronouncing their stuff they had her say it correctly. I was miffed!

 

I've heard motherscratcher before. 

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Once upon a time I went to France, I had an Uncle who lived there and we happened across the movie with Kathy Bates where she kidnaps the author dude (Stephen King novel) and she makes him re-write the book where he had killed off the heroine.

I've yet to find ANY horror movie or TV show which horrified me as badly as did Kathy Bates in Misery.

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Wife's irritated with me.

I had a fey streak kicking up Friday morning.

Shaved off my mustache AND my beard.

I haven't had this much air hitting my head and face since the Carter Administration.

And I did it without any warning whatsoever.

So yeah, she's irritated.

Might even go as far as miffed.

I can totally understand the irritated part. Two words: razor stubble. 

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I know all shows have passionate fans, and sometimes I sound a little "passionate" myself, but I saw a post at another board going on about how they gave their pet a funeral and yet the show didn't have the basic decency to give so and so character a funeral, and my jaw just dropped. I haven't been happy with a lot of decisions made with characters, and sometimes I feel the writing did not treat them with enough respect, but I could never compare it to losing a pet. Fictional characters may be important to us, but they aren't real. We can imagine or write our own endings for them. We can't do that with a pet. I just...wow.

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I've yet to find ANY horror movie or TV show which horrified me as badly as did Kathy Bates in Misery.

Children of the Corn is the only one that I can think of.  I used to have nightmares about that red headed dude.  What the hell was wrong with my parents letting me watch that?

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My parents were so asleep at the switch with what I watched. And read. I read Scruples when I was like 8. My sister had the happy hooker book so I picked that up and read it. I LOVED children of the corn! The only part that squicked me out was at the beginning when the kids first took over and they show the diner and someone's hand goes in the blender. Blech. I always thought the redhead and lil short stuff were so funny looking I wasn't scared of them. I still mumble HE WANTS YOU TOO MALACHAI

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I've yet to find ANY horror movie or TV show which horrified me as badly as did Kathy Bates in Misery.

 

Just reading the book had me literally squirming and writhing with the unbearable suspense. The movie had me on pins and needles because I knew what was coming, and yes, Kathy was absolutely mother-dicking terrifying.

 

 Another one that had me watching through finger-filters wasThe Hitcher (1986).

 

My sister had the happy hooker book so I picked that up and read it.

 

Da fuq?

Edited by AngelaHunter
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I told you I was warped! I coulda wrote a book report on xaviera Hollander. Only thing I actually remember about the book was her peeing on someone. My parents were worse than Lori! Where's carl? Oh one time we "accidently" wwNt to the drive in movie and thr movie was "colors" which was Robert Duvall and Sean penn. Every other word was the f word. And at one point they bust in on some dude they been trying to arrest and he's banging a hooker. Yes my parents showed excellent judgement. They didn't leave. They just removed the speakers from the windows. So we watched the "silent" movie colors. Omg just remembering this I'm laughing out loud.

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I told you I was warped! I coulda wrote a book report on xaviera Hollander. Only thing I actually remember about the book was her peeing on someone. My parents were worse than Lori! Where's carl? Oh one time we "accidently" wwNt to the drive in movie and thr movie was "colors" which was Robert Duvall and Sean penn. Every other word was the f word. And at one point they bust in on some dude they been trying to arrest and he's banging a hooker. Yes my parents showed excellent judgement. They didn't leave. They just removed the speakers from the windows. So we watched the "silent" movie colors. Omg just remembering this I'm laughing out loud.

Anyone here remember "On TV?" It was like the first version of cable and was only on at night.  They'd play like 3 movies a night.  We were like the first ones to get it and I think because they were paying for it my parents thought we needed to watch every movie that came on.  I can remember watching all the Halloween and Friday the 13th movies...Stripes...Caddy Shack...and I was like 6.

 

I always laugh when parents ask about PG13 movies and if their 9 year old can watch them.  Hell I watched every R rated movie in the late 70's/early 80's and I turned out normal...ish....maybe...lol

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I can't even blame it on my parents being young and stupid. My parents were freakjnh old when I was born. My oldest sister is 15 years Older than me. With me they just stopped trying. I raised myself. I remember the whole family sitting down and we watched Mandingo. MAN-DING-GO!!!!! I'm surprised I didn't grow up and join the Taliban. I'm warped squared.

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I can't even blame it on my parents being young and stupid. My parents were freakjnh old when I was born. My oldest sister is 15 years Older than me. With me they just stopped trying. I raised myself. I remember the whole family sitting down and we watched Mandingo. MAN-DING-GO!!!!! I'm surprised I didn't grow up and join the Taliban. I'm warped squared.

Ha!  Me too!  Well my parents weren't old by today's standards, but back then I was a later in life kid. My sis is 8 years older and my brother is 4 years older.  By the time I came along it was kind of like "Hey, don't go to prison and we're good." lol

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When I was a little kid and my family would go to visit the grandparents, my sister and I would end up sleeping on the couches in the living room. One of my uncles lived with my grandparents at the time, and he was a chronic insomniac - so while my sister and I were supposedly "sleeping" (she was, I wasn't), he'd be watching the late show horror movies on the living room TV. First two horror movies I recall ever seeing were "The Birds" and "Them" - at about age 6. Which goes a long way toward explaining how messed up I am today. :)

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My mom had no filter for "grown up talk" when we were kids. We knew about all the family paternity scandals and lots about her dating years. We didn't have a TV for lots of my early childhood, like from 6 years old to 11 or 12 (when our TV died my parents decided kids could find better entertainment), but we read voraciously. We'd get books by the box at the used book store, and some of those books... One I remember in particular is "Coffee, Tea or Me", a 70s paperback about the sexual escapades of two stewardesses.

Edited by BrokenRemote
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If you really want to get out of jury duty you can go all father pp on them. The wolf is disguised as the savior in the light, yada yada. 

 

I watched all kinds of horror movies when I was itty bitty. I was reading all the Stephen King books when I was in first and second grade. My sister tells me that my mother really liked Rosemary's Baby and Hitchcock films and she was tiny and my mom had her watching Psycho and the Birds etc. I don't remember my mom having some big fetish but she clearly didn't screen what we watched. I remember her saying that "In Cold Blood" was very traumatizing to her when she was very young and we watched it once with her and by then we were like "a whole family murdered?" No chainsaws? No ghosties? zombies? witches? Meh. I remember thinking Psycho was very boring too. In black and white like the Wizard of Oz so I expected it to open the motel door and Shazaam everything in color with flying monkeys. The child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is what gave me the heebie jeebies. 

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 One I remember in particular is "Coffee, Tea or Me", a 70s paperback about the sexual escapades of two stewardesses.

OOooh, I remember "Fear of Flying" erica Jong also about stewardesesesesessss and one scene was her in the bathtub watching her tampon string bob about. And one of her dates "complaining" that it was no big deal to have sex during her period. I WAS LIKE 8!!!!!!! I don't really know where all these books came from. But I remember some friend of my mother's giving us some books that she claimed were specifically for "young" "christian" readers, as in they were thinly disguised Life lessons about how these wayward teenagers found their way back to Jesus. Supposedly they were true stories, One was called "Dawn" and it was the girls' name and she had run away from home at 15 and ended up a prostitute and on drugs. She ended up having a baby but I guess got her life back on track with Jesus. But I remember my impression was that her life was better as a prostitute! hahahah I'm so broken. 

 

It's just so bizarre that I go from reading "Beezus and Ramona" books, Ramona was our 5 year old heroine and Beatrice was her older sister, whose name she couldn't even pronounce, thus calling her Beezus. (And I was so dumb that I was reading the word "Beatrice" as literally "beat" "rice", like I'm even dumber than Ramona because Beezus actually sounds something like Beatrice) I cackle at myself that I thought her sister's name was Beet-rice. and I jump from that to Happy Hooker and Stephen King. We also had the Archie Bunker card game, kinda like old maid, you didnt want to get stuck with the "dingbat" card, and each character had a card, Archie, Edith (dingbat), Sally Struthers and then Meathead (her husband). and even though if you watch the show Archie calls him Meat-head when I was reading the card his name was meeth-ed (because I'm just that dumb).

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That's not dumb, it's a side-effect of reading words you've never heard, or that are pronounced in a non-standard way such that you don't realize you've heard them. Young kids who read at an advanced level get that a lot.

Where I fear for people is when they use words they've obviously heard but it's fairly apparent they don't read enough to have seen them written a lot, giving us millions of internet posts like "That's completely ludacris" and "I defiantly heard a noise." My favorite, which I thought was unique to a woman I work with but sadly found out is not: "The woman who lives next store is watching my dog." Obviously she has never seen "next door" written down.

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I've yet to find ANY horror movie or TV show which horrified me as badly as did Kathy Bates in Misery.

Reading Salem's Lot did it for me.  My husband worked midnights way back when and I would tuck the kiddos in bed and read that book.  We had a two story house and I got to the part about the Glick kid floating outside the window, scratching to get in.  It scared the piss out of me and I kept getting up and checking my windows. 

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Reading Salem's Lot did it for me.  My husband worked midnights way back when and I would tuck the kiddos in bed and read that book.  We had a two story house and I got to the part about the Glick kid floating outside the window, scratching to get in.  It scared the piss out of me and I kept getting up and checking my windows. 

 

I couldn't look out a window at night for fucking YEARS after reading that passage, NurseGiGi!

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Lotta times you can chalk some mistakes up to spell check/auto correct with our new fangled gadgets. There was a classic one recently, possibly in a walking dead thread,  a phrase someone had obviously never seen written down. 

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I remember checking out Salem's Lot and Night Shift from the library when I was in 2nd grade.  The librarian looked her nose down at me and asked "Are those for your Mom or Dad?"  I just shook my head yes with a big smile and off I went.  We lived like a mile from the town library and I was allowed to go there by myself in 1st grade I think, and I had read every book in the kid's section.  My parent's couldn't understand why I had a shit fit until they got me actual blinds for my bedroom window...lol

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I need a wayback machine to go back in time and take myself away from my parents. I keep thinking of horrendous things I saw/learned much too young. Cujo was the first Stephen King book I read, and the man she had an affair with goes upstairs in her house and jerks off onto the bedspread. facepalm

 

Here's a hoot, my sister is 15 years older than me. I was 4-5 ish when I became an aunt. My mother decided rather than tell me stork stuff or cabbage patch things she would tell us the nitty gritty on where babies come from. Smooth move Nancy! So she says "people who love each other..." she didn't say ADULTS, she didn't say MARRIED and then the insert part A into slot B yada yada (don't wanna spoil some of you :D) So guess what I took from this? That at 5 it was perfectly ok for me to go do it. So my friend Regina and I were playing War with her brother, we were hostages and he was rescuing us. So we are sneaking through ditches behind our houses and he throws me on the ground because we were ambushed. He covers me so I'm not blown up by grenades. I go home and ask my mom if you can get pregnant through your clothes. (because a boy was on top of me) I seriously do not know how I'm still alive. I'm shocked that I was smart enough to know to take one breath after another. The kicker is my mother said it could happen, so at 6-7 ish I thought I was pregnant for like 2 weeks. My mother had to have been smoking crack. 

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I need a wayback machine to go back in time and take myself away from my parents. I keep thinking of horrendous things I saw/learned much too young. Cujo was the first Stephen King book I read, and the man she had an affair with goes upstairs in her house and jerks off onto the bedspread. facepalm

 

Here's a hoot, my sister is 15 years older than me. I was 4-5 ish when I became an aunt. My mother decided rather than tell me stork stuff or cabbage patch things she would tell us the nitty gritty on where babies come from. Smooth move Nancy! So she says "people who love each other..." she didn't say ADULTS, she didn't say MARRIED and then the insert part A into slot B yada yada (don't wanna spoil some of you :D) So guess what I took from this? That at 5 it was perfectly ok for me to go do it. So my friend Regina and I were playing War with her brother, we were hostages and he was rescuing us. So we are sneaking through ditches behind our houses and he throws me on the ground because we were ambushed. He covers me so I'm not blown up by grenades. I go home and ask my mom if you can get pregnant through your clothes. (because a boy was on top of me) I seriously do not know how I'm still alive. I'm shocked that I was smart enough to know to take one breath after another. The kicker is my mother said it could happen, so at 6-7 ish I thought I was pregnant for like 2 weeks. My mother had to have been smoking crack. 

Ooooooooooooooh Lord my parents told me the details because I wouldn't shut up about it.  We went to the grocery store and the cashier was pregnant and I was all "I know how that happened" and she was like aww sweetie how? and I was like "YOU LET A MAN PUT HIS PENIS IN YOU" as loud as I could. 

 

My parents hated taking me in public...lol

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HAHAHAhahshahahahahHAHAHhHAHAHAHAHAHa oh sweet merciful lawd.

 

I yelled SOMEBODY FARTED. in church. And we went to gramma and grampa's church once and after Sunday school the teacher wanted to return me to my rightful owners but didn't recognize me. So she asked who I came to church with. gramma and grampa. so she asked did I know their names, gramma and grampa. so she asked what did grampa call grandma when he was just talking to her and I replied. "dammit Dorothy" somehow I found my way to my people. And my sister reminded me recently that my grampa called her "jasper" sometimes. I wonder what that was about? too bad everbody's dead. 

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Malachi from Children of the Corn, dear lord!

 

I literally jumped from the doorway of my bedroom to my bed every night for years so the clown from Poltergeist wouldn't grab me. And there was NO WAY I would ever lean over and look under my bed from on top-that's when he shows up!

 

There was a movie set in Australia, I think, where a class and their teacher are somehow being chased through caves by murderers (they had seen something they shouldn't have, of course). Some farmer guy gets a shotgun to the chest, and to escape, the kids and teacher all have to swim under a cave wall, not being able to see which direction is correct. Of course at least one gets all turned around. THAT was scary.  At the end, there's a shot of the kids and teacher back in class, and a close-up of some body part from one of the bad guys in a jar. I saw this when I was about 9, like you do.

Edited by morgankobi
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You guys are killing me!

 

I have to tell you about a dream I had recently.  So, in my dream I saw a man kill a woman so I decided to follow him around to see if he was going to kill someone else.  Well, the guy knew I was following him and followed me home.  I was in my bed, in the dark, and heard him come in so I jumped under the bed.  Then, while he was looking for me I decided that he would look under the bed since that was such an obvious place.  While he was looking under the bed I got on top of the bed thinking if I don't move, he won't see me, which worked until I moved my foot.  When my foot moved he pounced on me, biting my neck but suddenly a Puma jumped out and gnawed on his neck, killing him.  The next thing I knew I was in the shower and I looked down and I had a penis.  I thought, well, I think I'll play with this because all the men seem to think it's such a big deal.  While I was playing with my penis I looked out the window and my boyfriend was getting out of his car and I remember thinking "Wow, he sure is in for a big surprise.".  Then I woke up.

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nursegigi be cray cray ILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEIT! and morgankobi I totally saw that movie too! I think it was based on a true story. My biggest fear in the universe is having to swim under something. Like in a cave. I have no fear of water, ocean, lake stream all good but seriously, if you ask me to even swim under the rope thingy with bobbers on it. I have to think carefully about it. I cannot swim under a rowboat to the other side. I dont want anything on top of me when I'm under water. I could scuba, just not into caves or stuff. 

 

I saw another Australian movie when I was a kid, some girl goes to school for the first time and has only mayonaise sandwich. as in, bread and mayo only, blech and the kids pick on her for this, they smear her bread on the floor of the school house, leaving a big mayo smear. Anyone? anyone, Bueller? sort of like a Pippi Longstocking movie, she rides a horse to school. 

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Malachi from Children of the Corn, dear lord!

 

I literally jumped from the doorway of my bedroom to my bed every night for years so the clown from Poltergeist wouldn't grab me. And there was NO WAY I would ever lean over and look under my bed from on top-that's when he shows up!

 

There was a movie set in Australia, I think, where a class and their teacher are somehow being chased through caves by murderers (they had seen something they shouldn't have, of course). Some farmer guy gets a shotgun to the chest, and to escape, the kids and teacher all have to swim under a cave wall, not being able to see which direction is correct. Of course at least one gets all turned around. THAT was scary.  At the end, there's a shot of the kids and teacher back in class, and a close-up of some body part from one of the bad guys in a jar. I saw this when I was about 9, like you do.

It was the hand at the end of Carrie, that got me and my sister. Mum had covered our eyes at the really bad scenes, but she wasn't expecting that one. We'd had two light bulbs go out upstairs, so we were glued to her sides as we walked upstairs to go to bed. 

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Good Lord.  I used to watch horror movies all the time as a kid (big Creature Feature fan), but we used to just laugh at them.  As an older teen/early twenty year old, I used to watch them with my mother and, oh, how we laughed (especially the 50's B movies).  The only nightmares I ever had were 2 types:

 

1)  There were 3 parallel universes - a 1 dimensional one, a 2 dimensional one and a 3 dimensional one.  And you could travel between the different dimensions.  And I was a 3 dimensional child who traveled with my family to another dimension and we were walking around and they started going faster and faster and I couldn't keep up, and suddenly I was alone in this other world with no idea how to get back to my own dimension.  And I couldn't tell which set of parents were mine. 

 

2)  There was a volcano erupting in San Francisco Bay and my family had to run up over the hills to escape the tidal wave that it caused, as well as the lava and ashes.  And everyone else was doing the same, so we were having to run up streets filled with other bodies and try to stay together.

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The only part of the Happy Hooker I remember was Xaviera talking about a friend of hers who moved to a new apartment and wanted all new furniture, so she would hit up each of her "dates" to buy her a sofa, table or whatever, and Xaviera said "She literally fucked her apartment together." Still makes me laugh.

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The only vivid nightmare I ever had was I was sleeping in the bottom bunk of our bunkbeds and there was light coming in from the living room shining on the wall and there were shadows of my parents heads. And they were talking in hushed whispers but I couldn't make out the words. Then the words started scribbling on the wall. So even today some whispering will freak me out. 

 

I used to laugh that my friends had parents that did stuff like not let them watch the beginning of Bambi, only after Bambi meets his friends. And my friend who never saw the end of The Sound of Music, her mom always turned it off after the Von Trapps won the singing competition. She never knew they escaped over the mountains to escape the nazis. 

 

My mom let us see heads chopped off, stabby stabby movies,  nekkid drug dealers, monsters who ate you when you snuck out to potty in the woods. You name it. I didn't like the clown in poltergeist either, clowns are freaky dammit! But I laughed at the little woman who brings Carol Anne back. and I'm not proud of this but "go towards the light Carol Anne" is the last thing I said to my mom. I had no other experience with trying to help people kick the bucket, and that's what came to me. 

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I saw there is going to be a Misery stage production with Bruce Willis. The first SK book I read was Pet Sematary in 6th grade. I sent my dad into Target (or maybe it was still Richway) to buy it. He was all, "are you sure this is what you wanted?" and handed it over. Heh.

 

The photo recap for Spend sure is taking FOREVER.

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 and I'm not proud of this but "go towards the light Carol Anne" is the last thing I said to my mom. I had no other experience with trying to help people kick the bucket, and that's what came to me. 

My mom and I had a standing appointment to watch Mommy Dearest every Mother's Day, and I was in the sweet spot for Poltergeist (which today would be too young), so I kinda think that's sweetly funny.

 

Grew-up on Stephen King books, and even though in the book Misery she <slight, very old spoilers> cuts off his feet, the scene in the movie of her hitting his ankle wedged by the board with a sledgehammer is somehow worse and still makes me sick to my stomach.

 

In a Voice class in college, we had to memorize, "amidst the mists and fiercest frosts, with stoutest wrists and loudest boasts,he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he see the ghost."  I already knew it-anyone recognize it? :)

 

(ETA the first part of the quote that popped into my head a few minutes after. Man that's some useless info my brain just won't dump!)

Edited by morgankobi
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Bingo!

 

The movie was crappy (save for Tim Curry who does no wrong, not even Home Alone 2), but the scene with photo album was nightmare-inducing.

 

I think I may need to re-read The Stand this summer. Been a while.

Edited by morgankobi
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Oh yes that scene in Misery is so awful. I have a weird reaction to anything that visceral, my neck feels all pain. So she's hitting his ankles but I have to squinch my neck down and pull my shirt up over my chin and in many cases I have to hold my neck, doesn't matter what gets hurt, foot, knee, boob, pinky, nose anything squicky like that immediately goes to my neck. I can't wear turtle necks, tight collars or chokers. Nothing can touch my neck or I go whacko. 

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Yes, the ankle breaking is bad.

 

I still look in street drains if I walk past one. Tim Curry is horrifying in the movie.

 

I do enjoy the awful miniseries of The Stand. M-O-O-N spells everything, you know.

 

Another of my favorites is The Shining. Hate the movie, though.

Edited by mandolin
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Oh I liked the Stand, book and movie. Although I chuckle that M-o-o-n guy is Patrick from Spongebob. And Rob Lowe is deaf dude. meh. I think Stephen King was best when he kept it to realistic, crazy dog, crazy person, the supernatural elements rang cheesy for me. I think Tommy Knockers was the last book I read and I was like done. 

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The Shining is one of the very few times I saw the movie before reading the book. I...don't think I have much of an opinion of the movie, now that I think about it.

 

Tommy Knockers went off the rail! This is a very odd comparison, but King is like Stephen Sondheim, in that they both have second act problems at times (and I really love them both, dearly).

Edited by morgankobi
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I really love most of his old stuff (Carrie, Firestarter, The Shining, It, The Stand, Dark Tower, Talisman - no italics that I can figure out on my phone now) and some of his new stuff has been really good. Mr. Mercedes, Revival, some short stories I enjoyed. The middle stuff is kind of iffy. The Regulators, Dreamcatcher are misses for me.

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I think I may need to re-read The Stand this summer. Been a while.

One warning about The Stand, if you haven't read it in a while. It was originally released around 1978. King was still climbing his ladder to the lofty heights of fame at the time of release, and had several tussles with the Doubleday editors over the size of the novel. About a dozen years later, after King had successfully attained his Writing-God-Against-Whom-No-Editor-Can-Successfully-Contend status, he lobbied for - and got - a "Complete And Uncut" edition of the novel released, which contained all the parts which had originally been left on the editor's cutting room floor - about 400 pages worth. King also did some rewriting - changing the timeframe of events from the '80s to the '90s, and tweaking some of his "current events" references.

I'm usually loath to say this, but IMHO this was one of the occasions where the editors may have originally done the readers a favor. The rewrite isn't bad, mind you; to me, however, it just seemed more clunky and ponderous. Kind of like taking a 40-mile detour out of your way to get to the same destination. YMMV

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I don't have nightmares.  I'm a lucid dreamer.  I've been able to do it since I was a little little kid.  I've always known when I'm dreaming, and when bad stuff starts happening my brain kicks in with oh God this is ridiculous.

 

I honestly cannot imagine what a nightmare is like.

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