Quotes

[paulvdb]

This show really needs a quotes thread. I'm surprised there isn't already one. I'll start with a few quotes from the latest episode.

Rogelio: "You cannot expect to be the only woman to whom I give the cardinal gift of Rogelio."

Rogelio: "Xiomara, you are very special to me. You are the mother of my only child ... that I know of. Anyway, I have to go. We are shooting this fantasy sequence tonight. That's why I am wearing this ridiculous outfit." (he is wearing jeans and a t-shirt)

Jane: "You are not going to kidnap me and hold me for ransom in a cave quickly filling with water, are you?"

Rogelio: "So you watch the novela then. Of course you do. It's a spectacular hit."

[galax-arena]

Pretty much anything that comes out of Rogelio's mouth is quotable.

 

Rogelio: “You’re the mother of my only child… that I know of.”

 

Jane: “It’s FOUR FEET, Baywatch!”
Rafael: “I didn’t know if you could swim!”
Jane: “But I could stand!”

[Minneapple]

We should just rename this thread "The Wit and Wisdom of Rogelio."

[RachelKM]

Rogelio:  I've had too much normal people wine.

[Minneapple]

Rogelio, to Xo: Don't worry, I believe in you almost as much as I believe in myself.

[Bouffe]

#RogelioMyBrogelio

[Kromm]

We should just rename this thread "The Wit and Wisdom of Rogelio."

Magda might have a good quote or two in her.

 

Alba too, if we're willing to credit Spanish quotes the same (based on their onscreen translations for many of us, admittedly).

[Minneapple]

Xo: oh God, I must look like a mess right now.

Rogelio: here, have some concealer.

Xo: wow, that swag bag really did have everything.

Rogelio: this is mine. I always carry it, just in case.

Lol.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Minneapple

[C76]

 “You can’t have The Passions Of Santos without Santos! Then it’s just Passions. And that show failed!” - Rogelio

[DollEyes]

Delurking with this quote from the end of this week's episode, when it was revealed that Rose is Sin Rostro:

 

Narrator: "I have no idea what to say. I am just as shocked as you are."

 

Join the club.

[Bouffe]

"It's a moment I've waited for the two and a half months I've known you" - Rogelio, as the keynote speaker at Jane's graduation "ceremony" 

[Bouffe]

Hopefully this is ok to post here... This had me rolling!

 

From "rogelio the lavega" twitter account:

 

"Last night's episode was so good I even watched the non-me parts."

 

ROTFLMAO!

Edited February 18, 2015 by Bouffe

[Bouffe]

Sexy narrator man, when Xo says to Rogelio she wants to have sex:

 

"Why are you arguing, man?"

"Why am I arguing?"

[galax-arena]

Jane: "Hey, Rogelio."
Rogelio: "Dad. You're locked into "Dad" now."

 

Luisa: And then we made love. Raw, passionate, desperate love.
Michael: Okay, then what?
Luisa: We made love again.
Michael: Okay, after that?
Luisa: And yet again.
Michael: OKAY, well, let's assume you guys had sex a bunch of times....

Edited February 18, 2015 by galax-arena

[bettername2come]

From Chapter 9:

Jane: Okay, you need to stop calling me naive. Because you're the one that married Petra. She's the reason we're in this situation.

[paulvdb]

Rafael: "Is this about money?"

Petra: "No, this is about the fact that we've worked though our issues."

Jane: "Like the fact that he threw acid at your mother?"

Petra: "You met my mother, Jane. Clearly you can understand the urge."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

[Jane sees Rogelio for the first time]

Jane: OMIGAWD!

Rogelio: I know.

 

Alba: I tried you at the hotel first

Rogelio: I'm very sorry. Sometimes I check in under a fake name. Next time try with the name Antonio Banderas.

 

edited because there is no one named Antonion Banderas

Edited January 24, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Michael: I love you.

Jane: I love you too.

Michael: So that's all that matters, right? Everything else is a super weird religious carnival with power ballads.

 

Rogelio: What you and I have is something else, a chemical spark. It's like an animal attraction.

Xiomara: So just sex then?

Rogelio: Oh, don't say it like that. Excellent sex.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: I have recorded over seven telenovela theme songs.

Xiomara: So eight?

Rogelio: Eight exactly!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Palomas = Oscars of the telenovelas!

 

#VivadelaVega

 

Paulina Rubio: You're sexy. You're not a stripper.

 

Rogelio: [Esteban] is a fraud. He cannot make a proper "I'm longing for you but cannot have you" face.

 

Rogelio: A hug from Rogelio is like a rabbit's foot: lucky, rare, and soft to the touch.

 

Narrator: Oh, wow, an unexpected twist.

Edited December 30, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Lina: I need this job. I drink for free and it's so close to my gym.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: Friends, workers, as you all know, like Kanye West, I have recently acquired a daughter.

 

Rogelio: You are my daughter. Talent courses through your veins.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jane: Come on, Rogelio. Stop acting.

Rogelio: I swear I'm not acting. When I act, I suck in my gut and I stick out my chin.

 

Rogelio: I made a vision board but I didn't think it would manifest so quickly. As father and daughter, we will conquer Hollywood together, much like Jon Voight and Angelina Jolie, only we will not be estranged. And I will be the much more famous one.

 

Petra: Is that supposed to make me feel better? That you meant to throw acid at my mother?

Milos: Yes. A little.

 

Rogelio: I have been told I have the perfect features for 3D.

 

Rogelio: I will not leave until I face my enemas!

 

Rogelio: Jane, remember to make me strong - but also vulnerable. And sexy. Always keep it sexy.

Edited January 3, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Xiomara: Not that I don't love having you around more, but it's been two weeks since you got-

[Rogelio gives her a warning look]

Xiomara: Since you stopped playing Santos. Don't you think maybe it's time to move on?

Rogelio: What do you think I'm doing?

Xiomara: Eating a sandwich and shopping online.

 

Rogelio: I personally think any man would be blessed to have Alba as a lover.

 

edited because Alba is not the same as Alma!

Edited January 24, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Narrator: I have complicated feelings about Woody Allen, post-Soon Yi.

 

Jane: I'm not registering for them until I read a review.

Rafael: You read reviews?

Jane: I read multiple reviews. And I review.

Rafael: Of course you do.

 

Rafael: What's wrong with this [crib]?

Jane: The bars. It's just so prison-like.

Rafael: But they all have bars.

 

[telenovela style]

Rafael: What are you implying?

Michael: I'm implying exactly what you know I'm implying!

[Rafael telenovela slaps Michael]

[Michael telenovela slaps Rafael]

 

Luisa: This is an emergency. I need you to go to the Marbella Hotel. I think my father might be a criminal mastermind and I'm worried that my stepmother is in imminent danger. Yes, I am calling from the Haven View Psychiatric Hospital.

 

Luisa: You know Dan, the hot delivery guy? Yeah, I know. I don't see why everyone thinks he's so hot.

 

Narrator: You know that feeling when you've been up all night waiting to find out if your boyfriend's father was dug out of a reflecting pool?

 

Rose: How are you?

Luisa: How am I? You put me in a mental institution. You killed my father.

Rose: I know and I'm sorry.

 

Jane: Thanks for coming [to Emilio's funeral] today. It really meant a lot.

Rogelio: Of course. In such sad days, it helps people to see a celebrity.

 

Xiomara: What did your agent say?

Rogelio: That I'm stupid. But hey, you pay agents to give their opinion, then you threaten to fire them, then you hang up on them, and then you do whatever you want.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: Don't worry. I'm very easy to dress. Everything looks good on me. Except peach. I don't pop in peach.

 

Rogelio: Sure, it's not the lead, but my jurisdiction covers 147 planets in four different star systems.

 

Rafael: How's life with Petra?

Scott: Soul crushing, frankly.

 

Narrator: I'm serious, Jane. Get your butt up.

 

Rogelio: It turns out I'm equally talented in outer space as I am here on earth.

 

Narrator: Oh, man. It's hard not to get all Carrie Bradshaw.

 

Narrator: Petra told herself that there was no need to be nervous. After all, it was just dinner with her murdered ex-lover's identical twin brother.

 

Aaron: I'm sorry. I don't eat root vegetables. When tubers are uprooted, the whole plant dies along with countless microorganisms. But please, you enjoy it.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: I would not normally be so petty, but when my nemesis cares about the little things, so must I.

 

Jane: Aww, I'm so happy. Ish.

 

Rogelio: The gif is everywhere!

Michael: Oh, you mean the gif with you holding the gun wrong?

Rogelio: Who are you to say it was wrong?

Michael: Well, I do hold guns for a living.

Rogelio: You're a policeman!

Michael: Detective, actually.

Rogelio: I'm a lieutenant!

Jane: In space.

 

Rogelio: This gif is embarrassing me because I take my craft very seriously. Which you can see by my use of the word "craft."

 

Michael: There are rules. You can't drive. You can't pretend you're a real police officer. And you can't have a weapon.

Rogelio: Of course. Except in case of emergencies.

 

Beau: We use words like "thrusts" in here, Jane.

 

Amanda: It's good to say something provacative and then move on.

 

Amanda: We are builder uppers, not tearer downers.

 

Rogelio: Let me spell that out to you without actually spelling anything.

 

Wendy: We can't afford Tahiti.

Jane: You can come stay at the Marbella for the weekend.

Wendy: The hotel with all the murders?

Jane: Well, we don't really like to advertise it like that.

 

Petra: "Bro"?

 

Rogelio: What do you think the D in De la Vega stands for? DANGER.

 

Rogelio: I am soooooo bored. And hungry. I am hungry and bored. Not a good cocktail for Rogelio.

Michael: Then Rogelio should go away.

 

#rogelialert

 

#hotonayacht

 

#stillhotonayacht

 

#motherbarker

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: It's 2015. Men get pedicures. Or what was all this equal rights talk about?

 

Narrator: There is  a famous saying: if you can't be with the one you love, love the identical twin of the guy you were cheating with.

 

Xiomara: I love you.

Rogelio: And I...am getting there with you as well.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio's pre-Easter list:

1. Iron silk sheets

2. Remove all red items from kitchen

3. Lovingly display pictures of mother

 

Rogelio: I will tell [my mother that I knew you were pregnant with Jane].

Xiomara: When?

Rogelio: On her death bed.

 

Rogelio: Xiomara did tell me she was pregnant and I told her she should get an abortion. And also a perm. But the abortion was the way worse part.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: I don't like to use the term "triple threat" because it suggests that I'm limited to only three skills.

 

Rogelio: I have been offered a Las Vegas residency, like Britney Spears, though mine is only for one night.

 

Rogelio: Jane, please accept my gift to you - the gift of music.

 

Lina: You're going to lose your virginity to your baby?

 

ROMAN ZAZO!

IMPALED!

AGAIN!

 

Lina: What does Jane want the baby's first word to be?

Rafael: Abuela?

Narrator: Kiss ass!

 

Rogelio: I just want to say that I'm truly sorry for not making love to you in Tampa.

Amanda: Thank you for saying that.

Rogelio: You're so very welcome.

Amanda: So we'll just move on and chalk it up to youthful indiscretions.

Rogelio: Yes, although we shouldn't use the word "youthful" when retelling the story. Then people might think we are not youthful now.

Amanda: Oh, Rogelio. May I say that you are still as charming as I remember you?

Rogelio: You may!

Amanda: Time has been very kind to you.

Rogelio: I moisturize seven times a day.

 

Rogelio: My pores are closely connected to my emotions. When one is clogged, the other is clogged.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Edward: Tell me your sins, my daughter.

Alba: I asked out a man of the cloth.

 

Rogelio: Jane, I assume this parent trap was your doing. I love that movie but it's not going to work.

 

Narrator: Say what you will about psychopath ex-boyfriends, but sometimes they buy you hotels and force former hostages to lie on your behalf.

[galax-arena]

Petra: "I do feel better knowing you've suffered a little."
Jane: "..."
Petra: "What? I like honesty."

 

Luisa: "Rose! You didn't change your face!"
Rose: "Would you repaint the Sistine Chapel?"

 

Rogelio: "I’m playing the nation’s first male feminist. I think history has really overlooked his point of view."

Edited February 23, 2016 by galax-arena

[galax-arena]

Petra: "If there's a 50% chance I won't die, I'll take it!" 

 

Petra: "I'm sorry I called you all those horrible names."

Jane: "You didn't."

Petra: "Oh, I did, trust me. It was just all in Czech." 

Edited March 8, 2016 by galax-arena

[Eyes High]

Rogelio (who else?): “Every time God closes a door, he opens up…the opportunity for a much bigger wedding venue!”

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Xiomara: How did Inez get over [her fear of heights]?
Alma: She didn't. She died terrified. And her sister Gabriella buried her on the edge of a cliff to get back at her for stealing her husband. It's a very sad story.

 

Rogelio: I"m not afraid of anything except acne and leprechauns.
Xiomara: Leprechauns aren't real.
Rogelio: I know what I saw!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Michael: I made you this playlist for when you go into real labor. [“Push It” by Salt N Pepa plays] I also included “Born This Way” and R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts.”

 

Jane: You didn’t get an epidural.
Alba: Why do you think your mother is an only child?

 

Rogelio: It really is hard to rehearse without the thunderous applause.

 

Jane: Nina Villanueva. It has such a nice flow.
Rafael: Don’t you mean Nina Solano?
Jane: No, I didn’t.

 

Jane: His name is Mateo.
Xiomara: Oh, Janie. That’s my dad’s name.
Alba: Gracias.
Jane: Well, there’s more. It’s kind of a long name.
Rafael: Kind of?
Jane: Okay, it’s Mateo Gloriano Rogelio Solano Villanueva.
Rogelio: You named him after me?
Jane: Yes, it’s in there but we’re just going to call him Mateo though.
Rogelio: We’ll see how nicknames develop. Matelio, perhaps.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Tom: You okay, buddy?

Michael: Yeah, just, I don't know, a little blue.

Tom: Me too. I got passed over for a promotion - again.

Michael: That sucks. My ex-fiancee was accidentally artificially inseminated with the sperm of this rich hotel owner who she just happened to have a crush on in high school. They had their baby tonight, so.

Tom: Oh. You win.

 

Juicy Jordan: You saved stuff from your psychopath ex-girlfriend?

Luisa: Okay, first of all she's not a psychopath. She's a sociopath.

 

Jane: Okay, you're not TOO concerned but you ARE concerned?

 

Xiomara: There could also be nipple confusion.

Jane: Now you're just showing off.

 

Petra's cons for inseminating herself with Rafael's sperm:

pregnant

baby

motherhood

maternity clothes

seem like a psychopath

 

Narrator: I'll say this - the girl's got spunk.

 

Rogelio: Jane, I've been dealing with the press for many years. Let me help. But first, do you want to shut it down or do a tour of the morning shows and turn this into a book deal?

 

Lactation expert: Pick up the baby and when he opens wide, I'm going to stuff your breast into his mouth like a hamburger.

 

Narrator: I believe the words you're looking for are "oh, crap."

 

Rogelio: I just feel so impotent, Michael. But not in a sexual way.

 

Magda: Now do the reasonable thing. Sell Rafael's sperm back to him.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: I have amazing peripheral vision.

Rose: If [this wine] is too advanced for your palate, I'd be happy to bring you a bottle of chardonnary. Side of ice, perhaps?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jane: Lina confirmed and she said that she would wear something church appropriate, so that probably means the black dress from Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video.

Petra: This is a waste of time, Rafael. I took three home pregnancy tests.
Rafael: But you also stole my sperm and turkey basted yourself so you could see why I'd have trouble trusting you.

Jane: Mommy's trying to get you to blink because all your other friends are doing it. But also say no to peer pressure.
Baby group leader: I know it can seem a little silly but that's how language develop. Narrate everything.
Narrator: But don't step on my toes, Jane. I've got a job to do.

Rogelio: I'm sorry. I'm going to have to conclude the Cuba slide show early.
Alba: But we're only two hours in.

Make Love Week: the Shark Week of Telenovelas

Rogelio: I'm an EP now. It's like being chief of police but with higher stakes.

Rogelio's EP notes:
Call Charo back!!
buy new pants

Jane: Are you okay?
Narrator: How do you find the words to say that your psychotic ex-wife inseminated herself with your stolen sperm?

Lina: Cool diary.
Michael: It's not a diary.
Lina: Then can I read it?
Michael: No.
Lina: Then it's a diary.

Rogelio: It's Make Love Week. Fans will want to see someone spectacular in bed with me - Salma, Penelope, J. Lo.
Dina: Rogelio, be realistic.
Rogelio: You're right. Younger. Selena, Demi, Emma Stone? I heard she can play any race.

Rogelio: How did you know?
Xiomara: Just a hunch based on your overall rage level.

Xiomara: What's that? Your diary?
Rogelio: It's not a diary.
Xiomara: Then let me read it.
Rogelio: No, no, it's full of feelings I was too vulnerable to share so I wrote them down instead.
Xiomara: Yeah, that's a diary.

Rogelio: When you left me, I felt like a tiny kitten without his fur. I often feel like a sweet peach you took one bite of and then carelessly tossed aside to rot in a compost pile of tears. You crushed my heart like a walnut in a walnut crushing machine.
Xiomara: Wow.
Rogelio: I know. I always had a way with words. Maybe that's where Jane gets it.

Rogelio: Macho! Manly! Suave!

Petra: So it seems I miscalculated. I thought a romance was developing between Rafael and I. Turns out he was manipulating me.
Jane: So you inseminated yourself.
Petra: Like I said - miscalculated.

Petra: There are three options. One: I get an abortion. Two: in the next month or so, I find someone, say a Russian oligarch. I sleep with him, tell him the baby's his, we settle in Russia, and you both get to say goodbye to me forever. Or three: I stay here in Miami and we raise him or her together with you one hundred percent involved.
Rafael: What are you talking about?
Petra: I'm not interested in being a single mother. No, I had one. That was hard.
Jane: Yeah, that's because your mom is evil, not single.
Petra: Okay, that's the kind of language I don't want around my baby, Jane.

Andrew: No, not a psychopath. Rose appears to be a sociopath.

Andrew Howard, forensice linguist - once wrote a 60 page treatise on the uses and misuses of the apostrophe

Rogelio: Petra got herself pregnant with Rafael's sperm. I'd be more shocked but we did that story on Santos. Classic stuff.

Narrator: Whoa, [Luisa] got her ties off. These Germans are the worst kidnappers.

Jane: [Michael]'s been so distant lately.
Rogelio: Seems more like extreme manliness to me.
Jane: Maybe he's taking himself out of the game.
Rogelio: Maybe you are just not aware of the sophisticated nature of the game.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Carriage cruisers lady: Now it's time to start squatting! And a reminder - if anyone's still peeing their pants, you might want to sit this one out.
Jane: Don't want to brag - stopped peeing my pants yesterday.

Carriage cruisers lady: You look amazing! What's your secret?
Lina: Birth control.

Lina: Nate, he's so cute. Anyway, he snapchatted me. I texted him back just like, "Why are you snapchatting me in the bathroom when we're in the same bar?"

Jane: Yes, we talked. Kind of. You know, it means "I'm a little overwhelmed right now and I just had a baby and I'm not ready and I know that's not what you want to hear but I'm sorry that's where I'm at."
Xiomara: You think he got all that from an emoji?
Jane: Unclear.

Petra: I'm just a little nauseous.
Michael: Probably karma.

Jane: Scientology?
Alba: Is that one of those Protestant churches?

Director: Kiss like you've been poisoned and the only antidote is each other's saliva.

Narrator: Luisa was torn. On the one hand, Rose locked her in a mental institution, killed her father, and kidnapped her nephew. On the other hand...

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Xiomara: Britney Spears?
Rogelio: We happen to be in a little bit of a feud. A big feud, actually! I don't know why I'm downplaying it. I'm done protecting Britney Spears.
Xiomara: Wait. You're not joking.
Rogelio: Of course I'm not.
Xiomara: Then why haven't you talked about it before? I mean, lord knows you drop Gloria Estefan's name enough.
Rogelio: I don't drop her name. I mention people like Gloria Estefan, Alejandro Fernandez, and Oprah Winfrey because they happen to be dear friends of mine.

Zed: It's not Zed anymore. I go by Jon Snow because like him, I watch the wall. And I also sell a little cocaine. Get it? Snow.

Milos: My side business is internet scam.  I like to do prank, but also make money.

Rafael: Can we talk?
Milos: Talk or duel?
Rafael: Duel?
Milos: Gun or knives?
Rafael: What are you talking about?
Milos: Oh, you were kidding. Me too.

Narrator: Perhaps it's stolen sperm under the bridge for these two at last.

Lavender flyer: Warning! Stalker on premises. Often found wearing purple. If seen, please alert security.

Narrator: Jane knew she had to help. The situation had become toxic. This circus couldn't go on. It was time to get to work, bitch!

Britney: Do you know how many poop emojis I've had to deal with today?

Rogelio: From the bottom of my broken heart, I'm sorry. And I hope that our friendship could be as strong as it once was.
Britney: You know, I think it'll be even stronger, stronger than yesterday.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Milos: We do not negotiate with terrorists.

Magda: I think that Russian red-haired lady in the kitchen is trying to poison me.

Rogelio: Thank you to the best and most wonderful crew in the business. Thank you, grips, for everything you've gripped. Gaffers, thank you for all your gaffes. Best boy, well, you are the best, obviously.

Rogelio: I have found my next project - a telenovela version of Mad Men. We'll call it Hombres Locos, no? The original is a masterpiece but mine will move much faster. It's a fasterpiece, if you will. I will play Don Juan Draper, somewhat like Jon Hamm but very good looking.

Narrator: For those of you keeping track at home, that's now three children for Rafael and no sex.

[Ghouligan]

Rogelio: There are many Jesus Christs. There is only one Jane.

#awkwardsweaterkiss

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jane: Clear eyes, full carts, let's shop!

Jane: You spend $10,000 on something called smile maintenance?
Rogelio: It's worth every penny, no?
Xiomara: And why do you own forty Hermès scarves?
Rogelio: I get cold!

Rogelio: To make the role more challenging, I'm playing it like I have Lyme disease.

Magda: I told you I have plan.
Petra: This is not plan. This is Weekend at Bernie's.

Rogelio's moving boxes:
silk shirts - 1 of 2
shoes - lavender

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Narrator: Aww, you can always count on your mom to help out with childcare. Or to bleach the blood of a murdered man off your floor.

Brookdale Institution
***** (that's five stars)
pretty nice for a mental institution

Jane's CALM:
cheese
abuela
lists
Mr. Monkey/Michael/Mateo

Rogelio's CALM:
cell phone
avocado mask
lavender
mirror

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liliana: Your grandfather is gay and he has left me. For a man.

Narrator: A night like this is the best feeling in the world - well, to a woman who's never had sex.

Alba: Xiomara, we don't gloat.
Xiomara: You don't. I do.

Lina: You could find a dozen eligible randos on Cynder while you're sitting on the toilet. Look, I'm going to show you.
Jane: Ugh, as romantic as that sounds, I want a meet cute. If i'm going to meet somebody, I'm going to do it the old fashioned way.
Lina: It's 2016. OkCupid is the old fashioned way.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jane: I have to draw the line somewhere and telling my mom the ins and outs of my sex fantasy is definitely crossing it.
Xiomara: Did you say ins and outs?
Jane: What are you? 15?
Xiomara: Maybe. So are you going to go for it?
Jane: He's my advisor. It wouldn't be appropriate.
Xiomara: Then why'd you put on lipstick to go meet with him? What's that shade called?  Lusty Virgin?

Jane: Seriously? A bowl of marbles? This place is a death trap!

Narrator: Did he just scooch closer? He did, he did!

Siri reading Rogelio's tweets: Ten minutes looking for the perfect shoes to complement my eyes. Shoe emoji. Huffy happy face emoji. Rainbow. On the phone with my agent fielding multiple offers. Hashtag what will Ro do next? See no evil monkey emoji. Exfoliating. Hashtag loofah. Trying on all my fedoras. Hashtag hot in a hat.

Doctor: Just keep an eye out for a diamond in [Mateo's] poop.

#awkwardsweaterkiss

Rogelio: My buddy Ryan Gosling said, "The only quality I look for in a woman is that she's Eva Mendes."

Jane: I just feel so-
Xiomara: Horny?
Jane: I was going to say at a crossroads. But, yeah, maybe that too.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Xiomara: There are things about you that I wish I knew too.
Rogelio: Like what? I'm an open book. In fact, I gave you my unauthorized biography.
Chyron: Available for $24.99 at rogeliotellsall.com

Rogelio: This week Tiago is going through the time portal and arriving in the women's suffrage movement. I'm playing the nation's first male feminist. I think history has really overlooked his point of view.

Jane: I know the only reason you canceled lunch was because your mom murdered that guy.
Petra: Yeah, sorry about that.

Petra: I think I made a mistake. This pram won't fold - or respond to my kicking.

Xiomara: This is a brand new Jane - open to having sex, friends with Petra.

Rogelio: I know you said this wasn't the issue but if these Scientology discs are holding you back in any way, I want to show them to you.
Xiomara: Oh, no, that's not necessary.
Narrator: Shut it, Xo!
Rogelio: Please, I insist.
Xiomara: Sure, if you really want to.
[Disc 142, Part C!!!]
Rogelio in 2006: Okay, fine. here it is. I was 26 years old and a friend was setting me up. She told me she wanted to find me a girlfriend. She was an older woman. And I thought she liked to be called "madam" as a sign of respect, but that wasn't the only reason. She was also an actual madam. But I didn't know! It wasn't until I watched the acclaimed film Pretty Woman that I realized I was a pretty woman.
Rogelio in 2016: Well, now you know. It was fifteen years ago. It's so embarrassing.
Chyron: Rogelio De La Vega. A revealed gigolo.

Rogelio as Tiago: Women deserve the right to vote! And I am just the man to make it happen! Now get over here, Susan B. Anthony, and give me a kiss.

Rogelio: Suffragettes, gather round, please. I want to make an announcement. The beautiful woman standing next to me is going to be Mrs. de la Vega.
Xiomara: Unless I keep my name.
Rogelio: Why would you do that? That's ridiculous.

Luisa: Okay, [Rafael]'ll just open the door and I'll apologize for keeping in touch with the woman who killed our father and kidnapped his son.

Luisa: Your face - it's the same.
Rose: Would you repaint the Sistine Chapel?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rogelio: Like my good friends Gwynnie and Chris, [Xiomara and I] have chosen to consciously uncouple.
Xiomara: But we're not calling it that.
Rogelio: Oh, yes, we definitely are.
Alba: Your good friends?
Rogelio: I might be on the board of Goop, Alba, so yes, I'd say we're very good friends.
Alba: I am going to consciously uncouple from this conversation.

Petra: Maybe just knowing that two actual human beings are about to blast out of my body at any moment has given me a sense of urgency.
Rafael: Okay, first of all, blast out of your body?

Lina: Jane, I didn't do it.
Jane: So you weren't drinking at work?
Lina: Of course I was drinking at work! But ever since they put in the new rules, I bring my own booze.

Narrator: Twelve steps forward, one step back.

Rafael: He punched me in the face.
Jane: I know.
Rafael: In front of Mateo.
Jane: And he feels bad.
Rafael: Oh, he feels bad?

Jane: Petra covered up the fact that her mother pushed my grandmother down the stairs and I threw her a freaking baby shower. And now you're telling me that you can't even have lunch with Michael?

Jane: Your toast at Mark's wedding - what were your opening lines? "For the longest time, I thought Mark was dating his sister."
Michael: Who cuddles with their sister?

Paola: You have to call Antonio Banderas back.
Rogelio: He called me?
Paola: No, but you told me to practice dropping names.

Jane: Just nice to see that now that you're single, you're dating dad.

Rogelio: Most men would be intimidated by a kilt but I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with incredible legs.

Xiomara: It says you're supposed to lust after my breasts, not my shoulder.

Xiomara: Hurry up! What's taking so long?
Rogelio: These pants are on the snug side but David Beckham told me I could pull them off.

Xiomara: It was just ex-sex. It's a totally normal thing that everyone does after they break up. Well, everyone except for you.

Petra: I know you didn't choose this pregnancy.
Narrator: That's an understatement.

Luisa: I only had one drink.
[Jane raises her eyebrows]
Luisa: And five shots. And two shots.

Rogelio: You watched [Downton Abbey] without me? That is like a fundamental relationship rule. You wait before moving forward on your DVR.

Xiomara to Jane: I just don't know whether or not to start episode eight because we were watching it together and I don't want to move ahead without [Rogelio], but I really want to know what happened to Lady Sybil.

Rogelio: The password's the same as every other password - Rogelio. Or Rogelio1 is a number is needed.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Narrator: And so they finally had sex. Lots and lots of sex. Just kidding!

Narrator: Bro, you just blocked yourself!

Rafael: Let's talk contraception. I probably can't have kids but we still need two different kinds. I've got the condoms then either the pill, an IUD, the patch, the ring, the shot, or the sponge.
Narrator: Yes, Rafael had decided that instead of no sex and babies, he would try sex and no babies for a change.

Rogelio's tweet: two weeks of sun and fun and I'm even handsomer. #thingsyouthoughtwereimpossible

Narrator: In [Rafael]'s defense, he had just discovered that his stepmother and his mother were rival crime lords.

Jane: We were actually just discussing one of Angelique's passages from her book.
Xiomara: And the fact that you had sex before you were married! You lied to me this whole time.
Alba: It wasn't information that was appropriate to share with you. Especially because you didn't need the encouragement.
Xiomara: Oh my gawd. Are you serious? You're such a hypocrite!
Alba: No, what I did was different. It wasn't the same. I got carried away one time. You were sleeping around.
Xiomara: I did not sleep around, ma! Do not make me feel like a slut.
Alba: I'm not.
Xiomara: You are! Like you always have. And I am not. I am just a normal woman who enjoys having sex and you have made me feel like crap about it my entire life!

Paola: I understand family. I miss my mother every day. Sometimes I wish I hadn't killed her.

Petra: You need to lower your voice an octave. And never lose eye contact. Calm. Quiet. It's always much scarier.

Petra: I feel like I'm just peeing my pants. Gawd, the babies must be right on my bladder.
Jane: Are you sure your water didn't just break?
Petra: What? I don't know. You're the one who had a baby.
Jane: My water didn't break. It's rare, actually.

Petra: Let it go.
Jane: Says the woman who artificially inseminated herself with her ex's sperm.
Petra: Trust me, I'm regretting that now.

Narrator: Rogelio considers his oily T-zone to be his one facial flaw and so he had the costumer of Tiago sew a special pocket in his underwear where he could stash a secret supply of pressed powder - a little powder panty pocket.

Petra (in Czech): You have the brain of a dog and the mouth of a cow! Go into the woods and soil yourself!

Jane: Suck it up and push those babies out.