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From Season two:

Lina is tagging along with Jane at her post-partum exercise class. They are doing crunches and the instructor comes up to them:

Instructor (to Lina): Oh my God, you look great! What's your secret?

Lina: Birth control!

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From Season one:

Jane: So I Googled you...

Rafael: You did?

Jane: Uh uh

Rafael: That couldn't have gone well.

Jane: It didn't.

Makes me laugh ever time.

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Rose: You wouldn't believe how easy it was to incentivize a morgue pathologist with a gambling problem to sign a death certificate.

Narrator's Milos summary:

  • threw acid in Magda's face
  • blackmailed Petra into marriage
  • sold grenades out of the Marbella
  • constantly sent Petra yellow tulips *

* (not her favorite flower)

Milos: Oh, stop. I wasn't going to kill you, just scare you. Maybe shoot off a leg.              

Rogelio: Doctors perform miracles. If they can erase crow's feet, surely they can recovery memories.   

Rogelio: I love my relationship with you. In fact, the more we get to know each other the more stuff I find we have in common - like the love for fine facial cream, a nice deep V neck.

Jane: You're the only person I know who doesn't own a computer.
Jason: You're the only person I know who doesn't own a horse.           

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Narrator: That must have been unbearable!

Petra: FYI, I'm bisexual. It's you!

12 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Rogelio: I love my relationship with you. In fact, the more we get to know each other the more stuff I find we have in common - like the love for fine facial cream, a nice deep V neck.

I loved this because he said it immediately after I thought "V neck shirts."

Narrator: Then again, what do I know? Besides the story.

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Alba: [The marriage license] is just a piece of paper.
Jane: But it can still be confusing.
Alba: You know what's confusing? A husband coming back from the dead so you don't know if you're married or not.

Rafael: Ooh, a color coded calendar. What's the occasion?

Rafael: What is CCD?
Jane: Catholic classes until his first communion. We talked about this. You said yes.
Rafael: I just don't want Mateo thinking every time he does something wrong, he's going to hell.
Jane: That is not what the chuch teaches - at first. Look, my husband just came back from the dead. Can you just agree to what you already agreed to?
Rafael: Is this what Catholic guilt feels like?
Jane. Yeah. Is it working?

Jane: Let's get you moved into the Marbella. I just need to find my shoes.
Narrator: And underwear.

Rafael: How was your visit with your dad? Any memories?
Jason: Nope. But I had a real good time.
Jane: What did you guys do?
Jason: Oh, you know. Just caught up on episodes of NCIS.

Rogelio: I play a sexy amnesiac so maybe this hair goes on this side, like I forgot how to part it properly.

Ms. Fields Cookies
*not to be confused with Mrs. Fields
** lawsuit pending

Jane: You just seem sarcastic when you say that.
Jason: Oh, no. I'm very glad to have this crazy calendar.

Petra: Turns out temp is just another word for incompetent.

Rafael: You've broken other church rules [besides divorce], like birth control, lots of premarital sex.
[nun gives Jane the stink eye]

Dennis: I want to make sure you're okay with meeting Rose. I know you've had some struggles in the past.
Luisa: Not struggles. Complete mental breakdown. It's important to just say it and own it. Yes, I was an unstable alcoholic who fell in love with a sociopath again and again and again.
Narrator: And again.

Luisa's list of truly evil things Rose has done:
Killed father
Kidnapped nephew
Kidnapped me
Never has the same face

Rose: I promised you that I wouldn't kill anymore so I faked [Michael's] death with a paralytic and I hired some fake EMTs and I have him amnesia - which was WAY harder, by the way.

Rogelio: I promise you this is not about you. It's about me.

Rogelio: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Jane: I'll have a rosé.
Jason: Two picklebacks.
Jane: What's a pickleback?
Jason: Think of it as the rosé of Montana. You're supposed to do the whiskey first. It's called a pickleback, not a picklefront.
Jane: I'll keep that in mind when I never have this again.

Jason: Try watching my feet.
Jane: I can't. I'm blinded by your belt buckle.

Jane: I'm wracked with guilt every second. But maybe that's Catholicism.

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Narrator: Jane Gloria Villanueva was raised on a steady diet of telenovelas, Catholicism, and the sun shining only on her, and all of these moments imprinted to make her who she is today - that is, super bossy, super faithful, and super romantic.

Xo: Don't overreact.
Rogelio: I wouldn't dream of overreating. Acting is reacting, after all, and since I'm a professional actor, I will react in a perfectly professional way.

River: So Xo told you?
Rogelio: That you're a backstabbing backstabber who stabs people in the back? Yes, she did.

Rogelio: When did you become such a name dropper? It's quite a turn on.

Jason's text: Sorry again about Mateo. But can I take you for sushi tonight? Or maybe Japanese? Whichever you prefer. You like bowling?

Jason: Coffee's not a date. It's more of a hangover cure.

Narrator: For those of you keeping score, this is the third time that Rogelio de la Vega has sent River Fields to the hospital.

  • wolf bit off her toe
  • burned her eyebrows off
  • kicked in the face

Jane: I love to read.
Jason: For fun?

Narrator: Who knew fishing could sound so erotic?

Jane: You know I love you.
Petra: Yeah. But do you like me?
Jane: Well, yeah, mostly. I mean, do you like me?
Petra: Sometimes.
Jane: Sometimes?! I said, "mostly"!
Petra: They're synonymous!
Jane: No, they are not! Mostly is definitely more than sometimes!

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Rogelio: It's always been my dream to be famous in America. But I'm starting to wonder why I am so desperate for validation from a country that doesn't seem to value or accept me.

I'm still thinking about this quote.

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Petra: What are you doing, mother?
Magda: Working. I need cash since you killed my source of income.
Narrator: Actually, she pushed it out the window.

Rogelio: Michael got his memory back? Did he ask about me? Does he want to see me? Does he still love me?

Petra: I hereby award you, Jane Villanueva, the Pulitzer Prize for text writing.

Narrator: And then it happened, friends - in a moment of divine intervention or sheer coincidence...

Petra: Look, I've got baggage. I swear to you, I will never lie to you again.
Magda: I find that hard to believe.
Petra: Mother, stay out of this!
Magda: Have you told Miss JR how you faked disability?
Petra: Okay, yes, I did pretend to be blind to make more money busking in Prague.
Magda: She also cheated on husband.
Petra: It's true. I was unfaithful to Rafael.
Magda: While he had cancer.
Petra: Not my finest hour.
Magda: Petra is a brunette!
JR: That I know.

Narrator: Alba looks FOIN.

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Rogelio: What about two signature cocktails? Jane-a colada and Jane and Tonic.

Darci: Who wants an adorable baby to breathe germs all over them?
Xo: Meeeeeee!

Marlene: Just pretend you're an observer. Write in a dispassionate narrative voice.
Narrator: Hey! Narrators are not dispassionate! We have a clear point of view.
Marlene: Detached, objective.
Narrator: Would you rather have Siri narrate this?
Jane: Okay. I'll give dispassionate narrator a try.
Narrator: Fine. So will I. Here is Jane taking Marlene's advice while waiting to pick her son up from school. Oh, look. Mateo dislikes his mother. See? BORING!

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Jane: How was karate practice?
Mateo: Good. I'm amazing!

JR: Next time just play it more low key. Make your creepy stalker hints more subtle.

Petra: Why is your apartment such a mess?
Rafael: Because I have three kids and no maid service.

Jane: I've never seen you wear jeans before. What's the occasion?

Narrator: For a tatas and tooshies contest, [Petra]'s shaking a lot of elbow.
Jane: Less arms, more butt.

Jane: Spell your name with your butt.
Narrator: What is that? Times New Roman?
Jane: In cursive!

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Jane: Turns out I don't have a very ranch friendly wardrobe.

Narrator: I haven't been up this early since the other night when I was up this late.

Michael: We're mucking stalls.
Narrator: Oh crap.

Michael: My name's actually not Jason. It's Michael Cordero and I was a cop in Miami.
Jane: A detective, actually. A great one.
Narrator: Well, that's debatable.

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Anna and Ellie: We're back!
Petra: Oh, girls, I'm so happy you're home!
Anna: So are we. We missed our silk sheets.
Ellie: And our lavender bubble bath. Daddy's isn't organic.

Xo: Just because you love someone doesn't mean you get to have them.

Rogelio: I rarely say this, but less is more.

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JR: I've never even been to Houston. What am I supposed to do there? Eat barbeque and talk about the Astros?

Narrator: Oh, hey, it's Houston Petra, y'all!

Luisa: You're so sweet to care so much.
Narrator: Yeah, sweet - or diabolical, conniving, and working for your psychopath ex-girlfriend.
Bobby: Oh, you know who you have to go see? Your psychopath ex-girlfriend.
Luisa: Sociopath.
Bobby: Oh, my bad.
Narrator: Mine too.

Rafael: Mateo's teacher suggested getting him tested for a learning disability or an attention thing and Jane's all for it, but it's ridiculous because there's nothing wrong.
Petra: Really?
Rafael: He's six. He's rambunctious.
Petra: OR there's a real problem that needs to be addressed.
Rafael: There isn't.
Petra: Rafael, your daughters are in therapy. You're on anti-depressants. Your son may also need some professional help.

Petra: As Patty would say, when you dig a ditch, the dirt has to go somewhere.

Rafael: I'm going to win Dina over with this supersized cupcake I made. What do you think?
Xo: Isn't that just a cake?

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Jane: How are you feeling?
Petra: Itchy. Your sheets are awful. What thread count are they?
Jane: I don't know. They were on sale.

Petra: When you reward incompetence, we all lose.

Petra: I'm so sick of crying. I feel like a Villanueva.

Xo: Have you been flirting with [River]?
Rogelio: People fall in love with me all the time!

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Jane: You know how the old saying goes - first comes love, then almost-marriage, then platonic friendship, and then he's your real estate agent.

Jane: Hey, do you have time for a single ladies chat?
Petra: Only if you stop calling it that.

Petra: Who's that woman in her new profile picture with her? It's the 21st century! Why haven't we figured out how to zoom in on a thumbnail?

Jane: Maybe we should go out tonight. Meet people, see what's out there? 
Petra: That sounds terrible. 
Jane: It really does. I am not a big fan of wearing pants after 9pm.

Xo: Mateo, do you know what the most important thing about performing is? 
Mateo: Glitter?
Narrator: Yes!

Jane: [This apartment]'s perfect. Lots of light and charm, big kitchen, not a deal-breaker in sight. Once I lose the beads and the macrame. And the hippie smell.
Narrator: That's weed. Lots and lots of weed.

Rafael: Cashew string cheese.
Jane: Good choice. Cheese adjacent. How bad can that be?
Rafael: What do you think?
Jane: I think it's an insult to cheese.
Rafael: And string.

Jane: Julie seems great. What's the problem?
Rafael: Well, for one, she uses too many emojis.

Jane: Okay. Come on, let's see this list. Organized, good sense of humor, smart, loves kids.
Narrator: Ooh, is he describing Jane?
Jane: Athletic, non-judgmental, goes with the flow.
Narrator: Guess not.

Petra: Can we please stop with the toe metaphor?

Brett: Hi, there. I'm Brett. This is Nick. 
Hi, Brett and Nick.
Nick: Do you have names?
Petra: Oh, that depends. Are you buying us drinks?
Brett: Hey, man, let me get four tequila shots.
Narrator: Uh, is it just me, or are Brett and Nick too young to grow facial hair?
Jane: So how old are you guys?
Nick: Guess.
Petra: Ha! Pass. How old?
Brett: Strict. I like it.
Nick: Well, I'm 22 and a half.
Brett: 21 and three quarters.
Petra: She's got socks older than you guys.

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Rogelio: Why have you been acting so weird?
Xo: You said you'd respect my privacy!
Rogelio: No, Alba said she would. I have no respect for your privacy. I need to know.

Petra: What do you want, Milos?
Narrator: Revenge, conjugal visits, and a lock pick - in no particular order.

Rafael: Did you know that [Petra] refuses to see a movie if she knows an animal dies?
Petra: But I don't mind if people die.
Jane: Did you know that she knows every single word to Justin Bieber's "Love Yourself"?
Petra: Okay, that's enough spilling secrets.

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Rogelio: Barry, I don't care who you have to kill or sleep with or kill then sleep with!

Rafael: Where do you want to get married? Inside or outside? Or something that looks like it's outside but is actually inside a soundstage because if we ask, my dad will build it for us.

Jane: How was your flight?
Lin: Perfect. I totally mastered the benzo chardonnay cocktail.

Rafael: Where did you come from?
Petra: I own the place. It's my job to lurk.

Jane: Do you want to go back to the hotel life? Back to whiskey and investors and tight shirts?
Narrator: I can't imagine that shirt getting any tighter.

Lina: I'm a little worried because you look like that dragon girl from that nerd show.

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Rafael: Petra regained some mobility in her fingers. She even flipped me off this morning.

Petra: [The twins get] only one sweet per day, unless it's Friday. Then they can have an apple and a sweet. But only after dinner. And no cheese puffs ever. I found little orange fingerprints all over my Prada mules.

Petra: All of these boundaries and rules make them feel safe and loved because if they don't, they get manipulative and start to lie. And their therapist said we need to nip that behavior in the bud.

Rogelio: When I was a young actor in Mexico City, Alejandro Gonzalez was directing a movie about a hobo who through sheer handsomeness becomes the richest oil tycoon in the world.

Dr. Price: We amputated your mother's leg but she's taken a turn for the worse. Sorry to have to tell you this, but she's now on life support.
Petra: I told you before you can pull the plug.
Dr. Price: Actually, you need to put that in writing.
Petra: I did put it in writing!
Dr. Price: A text with a plug emoji and a thumbs up doesn't count.

Rogelio: I am ready for the next phase in my life. I'm okay being sidelined just a little, becoming one of the standout supporting characters that people look forward to, the one who goes on to win Teen Choice Awards.

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Rafael: You've obsessed over every detail, including how much cologne I'm allowed to wear.
Petra: Which we agreed is zero, correct?

Rafael: Rose had no motive to swap Mateo.
Jane: She's a sociopath, Rafael. There is no rationalizing her motives.

Rogelio: I just did what any caring, handsome, and extremely brilliant person would do.

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Petra: What were you looking at?
Krishna: Nothing.
Petra: I'll remind you of the Marbella's no porn, no TMZ, no Goop internet policy.

Rogelio: New York has the best pizza in the world! Plus everyone is rude there, and you love being rude.
Darci: Rogelio, stop. You do remember I'm from New York, right? I would actually love to move back there. But Esteban, he loves Miami. The bozo even thinks Miami pizza's the best in the world.

Luisa: Have you thought about the honeymoon? Because one benefit of hiding out with an international crime lord - you get to know a lot of secluded spots.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Narrator: Ah, friends, where to start? With the accidental insemination, with the love story, with the heartbreak, with the friendship, with the marriages, with the family, with the career high, with the three women. At the end of the day, those three women. Yes, friends, let's start there since that's where our story began.

Petra: Villanueva events are made for people to cry. It's just how they're constructed.

Rafael: Stop the presses! Isn't that what they say?
Narrator: In the 1920s!

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Chapter 96:

Narrator: I have a suggestion for flowers. How about a half dozen Roses?

Chapter 97:

Alba: I'm calling security.

Magda: I would not do that if I were you. I know people. I don't want something to happen to you again.

Alba: Are you threatening me?

Magda: It is not a threat. It is a promise.

Alba: *laughs*

Magda: I do not get joke.

Alba: I got all that on my phone, so if you don't leave town forever, you're going back to jail. Or did you forget that threatening me is a violation of your parole and it comes with a mandatory five-year sentence? But I am not scared of you anymore, because I am an American now, bitch! 

Edited by bettername2come
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