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Xiomara: It's just our house. The other houses on the street have power.
Pablo: Yes, well, electricity is a funny thing. No one really understands it.
Narrator: Not entirely true.

Rogelio: Lola, could we do this outside? The dramatic skyline, the sound of the ocean behind us - it'll add more production value. Please, please, don't let me die against a flat background lit by unflattering light.

Rogelio: I feel that I'm accessing this whole new set of emotions and their corresponding facial expressions. I'm more wounded now, but sexy wounded.

Rafael: So tell me about yourself.
Derek: I'm not talkative.

Petra: How can you even tell which [baby] is which?
Rafael: I had Helga put an X on [Elsa]'s foot.

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Rogelio: I don't know how I'm going to squeeze my [guest] list [for Jane's wedding] to 75 people. What do I tell the President of Mexico? Or Charo? Oprah? I mean, even if I could get a hundred-
Jane: Dad, the wedding is 75 people total.
Rogelio: What? That's not a wedding. That's a game night.

Jane: So clearly "charming" is code for "small and old."

Jane: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm kind of getting sick of shrimp cocktail.
#champagneproblems

Petra: Any silly games [at mommy group]?
Jane: Nope, no games.
Petra: Cheesy songs?
Jane: Maybe one cheesy song. But it's not about rainbows and friendship and gross stuff.

Jane: My, uh,
Narrator: What is the right word here?
Jane: Friend?
Narrator: Slash son's sisters' baby mama.

Charo!!!
International superstar
Award-winning flamenco guitarist
Rogelio's 3rd best friend*
                    * after Gloria and Oprah

Rafael: You're with the twins.
Petra: Well, it's not like they can fend for themselves.

Rafael: I was just writing an email to Jane. Her and Michael found a house they can afford but it's forty minutes away and I just don't want Mateo that far.
Petra: Are you freaking kidding me?
Rafael: Excuse me?
Narrator: And that's when it happened.
Petra: After everything Jane's done, starting with having Mateo in the first place after your sister knocked her up, and you can't tolerate a small commute to let her live in her dream house? Get over yourself, Rafael, and find a way to make it work!
Narrator: And so, just as Jesus rose Lazarus from the dead, Petra Solano went to the mat for Jane Villanueva on this day in the year of our Lord 2016.

Adriana: I also wonder, after work, you want to run lines?
Narrator: Ooh, sounds like "running lines" means having sex.
Adriana: And then maybe we can have sex.
Narrator: Oh, I guess it just meant run lines.

Jane: You were amazing! And I loved that-
Rogelio: No need to shower me with praise. Come, there are some people I want you to meet.
Narrator: It should be noted that Rogelio failing to bask in her praise was Jane's first clue that something weird was going on.

Jane: All I need to do is find a new venue that's super cheap and available in a month and a half.

Magda: My own daughter put me in jail.
Petra: Because you killed a man, mother.

Petra: After you had me, did you ever feel depressed?
Magda: Depressed? I had baby girl in Czechoslovakia in 1985. Of course I was depressed. You were depressed. The neighbor who delivered you was depressed. We were all depressed.

Rogelio: What do you think about Versailles?
Jane: What? No, I don't want a destination wedding.
Rogelio: Oh, no, we'd rebuild it. I mean, not to scale.
Jane: Think a little more low key.
Rogelio: The Miami Zoo?

 

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Stripper: My lady, allowest me to remove my armor. I am Don Quixote. Ready to see what's in my Sancho Panza?

Xiomara: Strippers were not technically on your no list, just strip clubs. There's a big difference.

Rogelio: Nicholas, grappa is a digestif. It's to be sipped, not chugged like a shot of cheap tequila.

Valeria: This is our chance to be like the Olsen twins.
Victoria: But less depressing and without Mary-Kate's weird old French guy.

#Michaelthemassagevirgin

Narrator: It looks like this massage has a happy ending after all!

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Michael: Just send me the list.
Jane: What list?
Michael: Don't "what list?" me. I know there's a list of instructions you're dying to send me. Just email them to me. The more detailed the better.
Jane: You're really turning me on right now.

Petra: Where did you live?
Anezka: Orphanage. You seen the movie Annie? Like that. Only no nice Miss Hannigan for us. And my Sandy was a rat. Then I living in room with ten women and one bring home magazine and they saying it looks like me, only beautiful. It was you! So then I go to government building and I find two certificate of birth. So then I sell goat an I have money to come here.

Rogelio: I need a very special story written for Tiago, so I thought who's the smartest best writer I know?
Dina: What's the story?
Rogelio: It's about a house, a small, modest, ordinary house.
Dina: Are you asking me to base a story on a set?
Rogelio: Yes, exactly.
Dina: Rogelio, that is not how the writing process works.
Rogelio: What about Titanic? Based on a boat. Write me Titanic in a house. Please? My writers have produced nothing but turds despite the many many motivating emails I have sent them.
Rogelio's motivating email #1: Try again.
Rogelio's motivating email #2: Hated it.
Rogelio's motivating email #3: Are you trying to kill me?
Rogelio's motivating email #4: No no no.
Rogelio's motivating email #5: Why am I paying you?
Rogelio's motivating email #6: Forget it. I'm going to get a real writer.

Jane: Better than the first one?
Alba: Yes, less booby. God doesn't need to see boobies as you enter the holy sacrament of marriage.

Petra: Did you steal a wallet?
Anezka: No, I stole three wallets.
Petra: Anezka, how could you do that?
Anezka: It was easy. I was pickpocket in Czech Republic.

Rogelio: You are brilliant. I've said that before but I've never meant it until this moment.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Judy is the actress's name and Dina is the character's name

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Rafael: Hey, uh, you want to maybe change a diaper?
Petra: No thanks, I changed one a few days ago. But I'll hold the other one while you do it.

Dina: This isn't happening again.
Rogelio: That's what you said the last twelve times.

Rogelio: We want to capture Eleanor's inner beauty, but on the outside.

Rafael: There it is, the judgment.
Jane: Stating a fact is not judgment.

Rafael: I want to say something without you getting mad.
Jane: Well, the implication that you can't express your opinion without me getting mad is making me mad.
Rafael: I just don't want to start this whole thing and have you spin out.
Jane: Is this you trying to not make me mad?

Producer: What do you think about title cards to nod to the 1920s as we transition between scenes?
Rogelio: Don't be ridiculous! Nobody likes to read while watching tv.

Rogelio: I'm a huge proponent of nepotism!

Jane: Try to smile.
Anezka: Why would I smile? I working.

Jane: Remember, the customer is always right.
Anezka: No one is always right...except czar.

Xiomara: Your father's sleeping with Dina.
Jane: Writer Dina? What? How do you know?
Xiomara: He did the sex sniff.
Jane: Okay, I don't know what you're talking about and I don't want to.

Mediator: How about we all take a breath and see if we can agree on-
Jane: Please, just stay out of this.
Mediator: No, I can't. You're actually paying me not to stay out of it.

FDR:  That's the chanteuse who's been sleeping with my Eleanor.
#historicallyinaccurate
Tiago: If I do this for you, FDR, then you must promise to run for president and implement all of my public policies to help the U.S.
FDR: I will.
Tiago: Then for the good of this country, I will make love to that lesbian.
[Tiago approaches Xiomara]
Tiago: Enchante. My name is Tiago and I have traveled through time to make love to you.

Rafael: Even though you and I are in a good place now, it hasn't always been that way. I mean, you've done some things.
- cheated on him with his best friend
- stole his sperm
- tried to get him arrested for domestic abuse
- covered for her mother after she pushed Jane's grandmother down the stairs
- held a man hostage
- stole his sperm again
- hid grenades in the Marbella
Narrator: Sorry, sorry, I forgot people don't want to read TV.

Rogelio: It's very, very casual.
Xiomara: I don't think so. I think you like her a lot.
Rogelio: That's ridiculous. Dina's a writer. She wears hoodies and jeans. She's not nearly glamorous, charismatic, or TMZable enough for me to be with.

Jane: Marry the salt shakers.
Anezka: Do you, salt, take you, salt-

Rogelio: Sexually, things are stupendous.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Rogelio's special skills:
Cockney accent
advanced side saddle
blistering stares
Tantric sex expert

Jane: I wanted to talk to you about Anezka.
Petra: I showed her how to use deodorant.

Rogelio: Some of my best friends are non celebs. Steadman, for example.
Dina: It's just you're interested in different things. You like to talk about the Kardashians. [My friends] are more interested in Ta-Nehisi Coates.
Rogelio: I assue you, I am open to all kinds of jackets.
Dina: He's not a jacket. He's an author.
Rogelio: ...I know. I was just making a joke. Come on, Dina, I can totally hang with nerds. I spent a good part of the summer of 1998 hanging with Moby.

Jane: The three main topics of intellectual party conversation are-
Rogelio: Current events, literature, culture.
Jane: Kardashians?
Rogelio: Off limits...But there's so much to discuss! Kourtney's going through hell with Scott!
Jane: Dad. Okay, so we've covered The Goldfinch, the election. Last handout. If they're talking museums, bust out this info on Marina Abramovic. Very current, super pretentious.
Rogelio: She just stares at people for hours at a time? That's not art. That's just bad manners.

Ferdinand: Draw thy sword!
Tiago: That's what she said.

Rogelio: Historical accuracy is semi-important.

Esteban: Seduce the microphone.

Elena: Enough with the ridiculous scarves.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Jane: You're an award winning author?
Random guy: Yuppers. My Full House fan fiction was voted top ten in the 90s sitcom category.

Jane: You're my son's half-sisters' mom which makes us family.

Rogelio's gift basket to Jerry:
multi-colored gaffingtape rolls
lavender cargo shorts
beef jerky
Glamour Shots gift certificate for Jerry's wife

Rogelio: These [cargo] shorts are amazing! It's like a purse but in pants form! So many pockets. And I can display my calves which are the best part of my lower legs.

Jane: They're dinosaurs, not dragons.
Petra: Same thing.
Jane: Only not really. One existed, the other's a fictitious monster that breathes fire.

Esteban: What is going on here? This is lit for my good side, not my great side.

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Rogelio: Why do you have a sex basket from my mortal enemy?

Anezka: Baby has your sense of humor, laughing at others' tears!

Jerry: Roll tide!
Rogelio: Roll!

Narrator: Poor Petra! My friends, it seems she's been...
#petrafied

Narrator: I venture to guess that no two people have ever been this excited to spend the night at a Motel 6.

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Jane: It was spur of the moment!
Xiomara: You had a list.

#EsteBunInTheOven
#EsteBarf

Rafael: You thought I was Erik Estrada? That guy's like a hundred years old. I give you guys my urine and then you make this egregious racial and generational mistake!

#UrineTrouble

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Jane: We will be staying with [my grandmother] and my mom for the first few weeks - every newlywed's dream!

Nurse: You need to keep your heart rate down for the next six weeks.
Michael: So no sex?
Nurse: You can hardly move.
Michael: [Jane] can!

Rogelio's PSA: Urine swapping is no joke. It's a federal crime. Make no mistake - if you swap, urine big trouble.

VVRPD = Vhat Vould Real Petra Do?

Jane: I am a married virgin with a one year old son.

Narrator: And friends, I'm not messing around this time. They're actually going to do it! Say goodbye to Jane the virgin!

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Rogelio: They said [Tiago] sounds like Quantum Leap, only it makes less sense.

Rose: You need to make a decision. I want to get off this sub, go to my island, and start our life. What will it take for you to say yes?
Luisa: I need to see your list.
Rose: Of people I've slept with? It's long.
Luisa: Of the people you've killed.
Narrator: Even longer.

Cecilia: I have orgasms, unlike some people. Oh, sorry, was that too bitchy?

Jane: [Xiomara] goes through these phases of self doubt. She just needs a boost, like another Paulina Rubio moment.
Rogelio: No, no, no, no, no, I cannot ask Paulina for another favor. Not enough time has passed. Celebrity friendships need to be very carefully calibrated. Someone like Paulina, you ask a favor every seven years. Someone like Gloria, ever twenty years. Now Oprah, you just don't ask favors. Your best bet is to ask Gayle. Canadian celebs, well, you can ask any time. Michael Buble has washed my car twice.

Rogelio: Omgiawd, it's a Kardashian!

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Jane: Dad, you're not planning on sleeping with [Amanda] to get the part, are you?
Rogelio: No, of course not. I wouldn't do that - again.

#dicktator

Jane: Stop! I'm the wife of a cop and I will arrest you!

Rogelio's note to Rafael:
Please please please?!
From one handsome man to another,
Rogelio

Scott: Let's make a deal.
Jane: Before you go to the bathroom?

Jane: But [Petra]'s family.
Rafael: Family's overrated. They just ask you do things like go to weird charity events so their dad can be in sexy baker movies.

Luisa: All I do is cause Rafael pain and I think my ex-lover killed his mother.
Rogelio: I've been there.
Luisa: In real life.
Rogelio: My telenovela was ripped from the headlines. Go on.

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#mandatefail

Rogelio: I went to the studio and read the script. It's very secretive - that means it's good, probably a festival opener. Hopefully not Sundance. Finding a flattering parka will be hell. Anyway, it turns out if I get the part, I will have to reveal all of myself on film.
Jane: Yeah, that's what acting is, right? Raw, emotional, vulnerable.
Rogelio: I mean my penis. I will have to reveal my penis. The role requires full frontal nudity. Fassbender did it. It's a great career move. Plus obviously I'm extremely comfortable with it. But of course I want to make sure you are comfortable.
Jane: ME?
Rogelio: Well, Michael and Xiomara have already seen my penis, so will you be comfortable seeing it forty feet high?

Narrator: Even psychos have boundaries. Wait, that's not fair of me. With her background, [Anezka] probably has attachment disorder exacerbated by-
Anezka: Okay, time for your medicine.
Narrator: Nope, she's a psycho.

Jane: You have a signature style.
Scott: It's a modified Alex P. Keaton.

Rogelio: I had to pull a Magic Mike and rip off your shirt at the audition.  Here are your buttons.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Rogelio: I don't know how you can stand her. Just the other day I was telling Gloria Estefan what a shameless namedropper Catalina is.
Xiomara: Did you tell Oprah too?
Rogelio: No, just Gayle.

Rogelio: While I heard that thing about beauty being only skin deep, I have to look at that skin so let's double down on that.

Jane: [Alfred Hitchcock] had this "bomb under the table" theory.
Michael: Oh, that's easy. Controlled detonation's really your only hope to defuse a bomb.

Rafael: We hear the chapel is awesome. Amen.

Rogelio: You're not trying to pawn off Chelsea Handler on me again, are you?

Darcy: We'd be very compatible parents - two aging narcissists. We'd only have the kid half the time. The other half we'd get to have lives.
Rogelio: I can't believe you called me aging.

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Narrator: A little trivia about Jane Gloriana Villanueva: she had seen the movie Beaches fourteen times - once for every time her mother broke up with Bruce.

Xiomara: [Bruce] has changed, Jane.
Jane: Mom, do you hear yourself? You have literally said that to me a hundred times before.
Xiomara: I know, but this time it's different.
Jane: And that.

Rogelio: Trust me, to know [Darci] is to love her in a totally non-emotional, non-sexual way.

Xiomara: A comedian?
Alba: Like Jerry Seinfeld?
Narrator: No, Alba, NOT like Jerry Seinfeld.

Mr. Let It Bee: I'm with her.
Narrator: I was too - along with the rest of the popular vote.

Catalina: Rafael just ended our relationship because you told him you saw me kissing Arnaud.
Jane: You got in the car. You kissed him.
Catalina: A friendly kiss.
Jane: I don't kiss my friends like that.
Catalina: Well, I do!

Rogelio: Unlike Beyonce, I don't wake up like this.

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Petra: I have a proposition for you.
Catalina: Sexual?

Jane: Maybe I'll try something too.
Narrator: Let me guess. Research? Making a list?

Rogelio: What started as a cheap rip off of Quantum Leap has become much much more.

Rogelio: I feel nothing.
Darci: Really?
Rogelio: Okay, I have a boner! Not a physical one. An emotional one.

Rogelio: I, for one, am always ravenous after lovemaking.
Darci: Darci rule #12 - never lay it on too thick. It makes you look desperate.
Rogelio: Rogeio de la Vega is not now nor has he ever been desperate.
Darci: Classic narcissism paired with a third person reference. I see it all the time from my A listers. I didn't think I'd get it from you though.
Rogelio: Are you trying to say I'm not an A lister?
Darci: Are you trying to say that you are?

Darci: Darci rule #23 - never order something you don't look attractive eating. Clearly you skipped that lesson.
Rogelio: What's going on? Why are you being so critical?
Darci: Hey, this is me. You want to date me, you need to know exactly who I am.
Rogelio: Not all at once! You hide this stuff on your first date, then as someone starts to fall for you, you slowly reveal all your quirks.

Rogelio: Let's give [Michael] the full Mickey Rourke. He's going to look tan and weird and greasy, but at least he won't look contagious.

Jane: Stop giving me dirty looks.
Michael: This is not dirty looks. It's just my swollen, puffy, melting Mickey Rourke face.

Narrator: And give Petra her watch back, weirdo!

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Narrator: Young Michael was an unreliable narrator, which I'm not.

Narrator: Damn, these Villanueva women are fertile!

Michael: Are you cooking?
Jane: It's just pasta. I wanted to do something nice for you.
Michael: But instead you cooked?
[Jane gives him a look and hands him a glass of wine]
Michael: Are you trying to take advantage of me? Please let the answer be yes.

Michael: Is this a plus or a lightning bolt?

Rogelio: OMIGAWD, they cut my penis!

Rogelio: I never would have taken a role in this indie movie if I'd known they were going to humiliate me by not showing my penis!

Darci: I didn't get a glimpse of your penis tonight, but I did see a big dick.

Petra: No, I reject your defeat!

Jane: You can't embellish a non-fiction memoir! It has to be true!

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Petra: I don't care if a customer is stabbing you with a fork. You keep smiling.

Rafael: Just breathe. Freaking out isn't going to help.
Narrator: Look who's staying calm in the face of a crisis. What's that all about?
Petra: I don't need Zen Rafael right now. Who the hell goes to prison and comes out softer?

Rafael: I'm not going to stress about it.
Jane: Okay, Zen Rafael.
Rafael: I buy one pair of linen pants.
Jane: And grow the world's worst beard.
Rafael: Why does everyone hate the beard?

Narrator: Wow, admire [Chuck's] commitment to late modern Florida bro chic with classic douche accents.

Sensei: You're only as weak as you think you are. You're only as strong as you choose to be.

Chuck's note: Happy six month bangeversary!

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Narrator: Ahh, the awkward therapy breakup. Who hasn't been there?
Jane's therapist: That's great, Jane! It means we've made real progress.
Narrator: Huh. Mine was much more awkward.
Jane: You have been so helpful.
Narrator: Then again, I led with "expensive."

Elvis Yeager:
new lounge manager
replaced Scott

Major differences:
doesn't wear vests
not dead

Rafael: Scott was a creepy, scheming weirdo but he was a damn good lounge manager. May he rest in peace.

Narrator: That's Dennis. You remember Dennis, right? Michael's old BFF at the police department. He's been promoted to like major or admiral or something. Anyway, he's now running the dead Scott investigation.

Flashback of all the dead people at the Marbella: Zaz, Disgusting Tom, Emilio, Ivan/Magda's Hook, elderly guest

Actually Miami Beach
3 miles from the Marbella*
* actually Long Beach, CA

Rogelio: I just want to do a show about a happy, well-adjusted fake married couple.

Petra: A salad lead time of eleven minutes is unacceptable. All salads and cold apps need to be delivered to the table within six minutes of the order being placed.
Rafael: Hey, yesterday it was fifteen minutes so he's improving!
Petra: I am getting so tired of Zen Rafael.

Rogelio: "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." Deepak Chopra, via Suzanne Somers.

Rogelio: I never meant to hurt anyone.
Jane: But you did! And it's going to take a while for people to forgive you, no matter how many books you buy.

Jane: Omigawd, it's my offer from the publisher.
Narrator: I'm so excited! Let's see how much money Jane's going to get!
Jane: I am getting $50,000!
Rogelio: What? That's it? That's barely my episodic rate.
Jane: No, that's amazing. $50,000 is a lot of money.
Rogelio: It's a huge amount of money. What was I thinking? Let me do that scene from the top. [inhales] $50,000, Jane? Holy moly! Congratulations!

Jane's apology basket for Chloe:
vinyl records
Wes Anderson box set
pair of vintage earrings
rainbow sweatbands
hipster cat ears
jar of artisanal mustard

Rafael: Just breathe.
Petra: Don't tell me to breathe. My breathing is not the problem.

Jane: I got Gary to add commas to The Golden Hour even though he's morally opposed to commas.

Rogelio: Of course I have the footage and I'll be happy to help. I know all all about detective work from my role in the smash hit telenovela Investigando Peligro.
Petra: I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
Rogelio: "Investigating Danger."
Petra: Right, yeah. Well, hopefully. Since you were shooting all over the hotel that night, I'm just hoping to find some footage of Scott.
Rogelio: I'm sorry, can you please slow down? Your accent is very strong. Ooh, I love this part!
Petra: You love the port?
Rogelio: Why would I laugh at a parrot? I'm just saying this is a gem.
Petra: Can't you go to the gym later? There's hours and hours of footage here.
Rogelio: What?
Petra: What?
Rogelio: Please, just slow down.

Rogelio's apology basket for Alba:
yarn
crocheted doilies
arthritis cream
portrait of Jesus
knitting needles
tea cozies

[Alba picks up a doily]
Alba: How old do you think I am?

Alba: I'm disappointed in you, Rogelio, but I love you. And as Jesus said, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Rogelio: Exactly. And who are we to argue with Jesus?

Rogelio: I just want to go back to the way things were before I became this crazy famous reality tv star when I was just a simple internationally famous telenovela star.

Dennis: We ruled [Scott's death] an accident this morning.
Jane: Really? Because I had a list of like fifty suspects in mind.

Jane: At work, you're basically Petra's bitch  - and I say that with full respect for Petra.

Rafael: Now that you've made it through your first day, I'm officially giving you your one year, fifty one week, six day notice.
Jane: That won't be necessary because I will have quit in a blaze of glory by then!

Petra: Just take your pants off.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Rafael: It doesn't even have to be good. Just write - about anything! Uh, Kim and Kanye, the history of throat lozenges, the history of Florida. It doesn't matter. Just flex the muscle.

]Jane googles "history of Florida"]
Narrator: Aw, I was hoping she'd go with lozenges - a medicine and a candy!

Donnie: When Jennifer quit two movies in a row when filming had already started, I got the studios to pay HER a million dollars.
Rogelio: Lopez? Garner? Aniston? [gasps] Lawrence!

Narrator: As Jane's editor would say, "That's hella shady! BAM!"

Mateo: Hi, I have to go pee pee.
Alba: Okay. Remember you don't always have to announce it.

Rafael: Are you ready for a night out with my two baby mommas at a cheesy approximation of Monte Carlo?

Rafael: Your Czech only comes out when you've had too much to drink.

Josephine: I like you so much, dude.
Rake: Thanks. You're hella awesome.
[Rake punches Josephine in the arm]

Jane: Mateo, I always want to know what you think, not what you think I want you to think.
Mateo: Huh?

Chuck: So what do you say we bone? What? Too crass?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Narrator: They say politics makes strange bedfellows. You could say the same for prison.

Rogelio's texts:
Good morning, genius attorney!
Which makes me look the most poor so the jury will be sympathetic?
Do you like Newsie-chic?
Or how about this off-the-rack wool blend?
Actually forget this one. My skin would never forgive me.

Jane: Don't lick the sink.
Mateo: I'm cleaning it.
Narrator: Remember, Jane, ignore negative behavior. Or super weird behavior.

Mateo: Lice are little bugs, right?
Jane: Yeah.
Mateo: I hope I get them.

Rogelio: Are you excited about abuela's wedding?
Mateo: Will she have a bouncy house?
Rogelio: Probably not.
[Mateo's face falls]

Petra: Is is a proven fact that animals go to the bathroom in the sand. Do you want our kids playing in squirrel feces?
Virginia: Squirrel feces - is that true?
Jane: No, it's not. Petra is using scare tactics.
#AlternativeFacts

Missing page from Scott's burn book:

Quote

Running list of things I've heard Emilio say about Rafael:
"No drive," no determination," "weak," "pretty boy," "I doubt he'll ever really get his act together"
"Disappointment is an understatement...I know all he wants is my approval but I'll be damned if he's gonna get it."
"Sometimes it's easier to pretend I don't have a son."
"I'll be pleasantly surprised if he doesn't run this hotel into the round."
"Let's hope he doesn't make a worse father than he does a son."

He hates him SO much. Way more than my father hates me. And Rafael tries so hard. It's kind of hilarious.

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Petra: I already told you. ]Anezka and] I haven't spoken in years.
Narrator: Awww, it's so sad when families grow apart after one sister paralyzes the other.

Los Viajes de Guillermo = a telenovela based* on Jonathan Swift's 1726 novel "Gulliver's Travels"
* very loosely based
** also based on "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids"

Rafael: What about him?
Jane: The guy in the tank top? Are you serious?
Rafael: He's got a good body, a handsome face.
Jane: Then you date him.

Narrator: Wow, rough night for these three. No one got any but it's still a walk of shame.

Miniature golf employee: Yeah, we got a couple creepers making out in the cave behind the Eiffel Tower again.

Jane: So did you settle your lawsuit?
Rogelio: Yes, for an astronomical number. Almost my whole salary for the first year of Los Viajes de Guillermo will go to paying it.
Jane: Then why are you both so happy?
Rogelio: To be honest, I just made love to your mother in the car.

Narrator: Is that [Rafael]'s heart glowing? It's hard to tell with that pink shirt.


 

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Jane: I'm reading an article about how underboob is the new side boob.

Jane: [Fabian] dated Miss Universe, Shakira's backup dancer, and Gisele Bundchen's twin!

Narrator: Can't blame [Jane] for being a little skittish around the ex-girlfriend of the woman who kidnapped their son.

Rogelio: Lady scientist.
Narrator: Also known as a scientist.

Rogelio: [Jane]'s brilliant and beautiful with the soul of Gandhi and the talent of Shakespeare, but you don't mess with her emotions.
Fabian: You don't have to worry. She said she didn't like me.
Rogelio: Okay, general rule - when you look like we do, you can never rule that out.

Jane: I could get them to print more copies and give a bigger marketing budget if I agree to talk about my whole crazy back story. But of course I said no because I want my book to stand on its own.
Marlene: Don't be an idiot. I was once like you, so full of integrity. You know what being precious about your art gets you?
[Marlene stands up and opens the closet door, revealing copies of her book, Re-Vulva: Locked and Loaded, stacked to the ceiling]
Marlene: And there's a storage locker in Boca with the other seven thousand unsold copies. Trust me, sell it with everything you've got because you don't get a second debut novel.

Jorge: I don't know how to text. I have a flip phone.

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Jane: I just can't believe Lina came back to Miami and didn't call me.
Rogelio: Yeah, Oprah and Gayle went through something like this.

Matteo: Can somebody wipe me?

Jane: Speaking of sex, I have to go get dressed [for my date with Fabian].
Narrator: So she can get undressed!

Fabian: You know this was based on a true story? There really was a Queen Elizabeth.
Jane: Is. There still is one.

Petra: Later that night, I slipped a little something into Anezka's drink jut to help her sleep.
Narrator: Also known as drugging her.

Petra: My plan would have worked perfectly, except then Scott had to go die and ruin everything.
[Rafael gives her a look]
Petra: May he rest in peace.

Petra: I just need [the police] to stop focusing on my sister. She couldn't have killed [Scott]. She was drugged in my penthouse.

Narrator: Oh, come on, Jane. That's so not sexy and I LOVE nachos.

Fabian: I bet you're a real reader. You like books and stuff, right?
Jane: Yeah, I like books and stuff.
Fabian: So are you reading anything now?
Jane: Well, because of everything that's going on, Orwell.
Fabian: The popcorn guy?
Narrator: It's okay, Jane. You can roll your eyes. He can't see.

Fabian: Danny, let's let the ladies catch up. Where are you from? Who are your enemies?

Rogelio: I had botox this morning so the tears are struggling to fall, but I feel them.

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Jane: I'm writing a column!
Xiomara: Like Sex and the City?
Jane: Yes! I am SO Carrie Bradshaw!
Narrator: I'm a Miranda. I know. Most people are surprised.

Jane: How huge [is the wedding going to be]? Richard Branson's private island? Or did Elon Musk finally return your calls and you guys are getting married in space?
Rogelio: First of all, Elon Musk always returns my calls after after a very tasteful interval.

Rogelio: I must try to wipe this joy from my face. We're about to shoot a very tense and dramatic scene. The key - never blinking. It announces to everyone how focused and intense you are. And a bit scary.

Jane: It's not that I'm not enjoying this little book club, but I just want to make sure that you're not into me just because of my brains. I mean, are you interested in the other side of me?
Fabian: You mean butt stuff?

Petra: You lied to the police in a murder investigation and you've been lying to me for months!
Chuck: You lied to me about the bones, and your lie was worse.
Petra: This is not a competition! And you lied for longer!

Rafael: Why did the school call?
Jane: Matteo has been running around the playground giving all the girls special hugs and telling them that they're having his baby.
Rafael: Ooooooh.

Jane: I've gotten over the temporary guilt caused by years of negative sex messaging and I am ready to celebrate that - naked with Fabian.

Narrator: Okay, Samantha, calm down.

Xiomara: Your shame flower has done enough damage.

Narrator: Oh, buddy, that's risky business right there. Oh, gawd, I can't watch. I wish my eyes were wide shut. This is far and away the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen.

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Petra: What do you think about [Rafael's declaration of love]?
Jane: I think it's between you two.
Petra: That's ridiculous. You always have an opinion and this is the one time I actually want it.

Jane: It's not every day that my parents get married.
Narrator: True. This is only their second marriage and third engagement.

Fabian: No hitting in the face.
Rogelio: Obviously.
Fabian: Or the hair.
Rogelio: Of course.

Pumpkin girl: And they lived happily ever after.
Matteo: And they all got good jobs. The end.

Rogelio: Are you drunk?
Jane: Very.

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Narrator: Another thing [Rafael and Petra] have in common - criminal sisters.

Rogelio: [Darcy and I] had hate sex a couple of times.
Xiomara: And you didn't you use birth control?
Rogelio: I thought all of her eggs were in the freezer!

Luisa: Come on, Eileen!

Narrator: Oh, yay, the bus!

Alba: I want to say something to you before everything happens. Actually, I'm going to yell at you so you don't cry because your makeup looks good!

Jane: My parents are here today, not because they are meant to be, but because they chose each other. In the face of a million obstacles, they chose each other. When it seemed like they should give up, they chose each other. And they keep choosing each other in the face of every single twist and turn life brings them, every single day. And that is not destiny. That is not fate. That's commitment. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, through stormy days and sunny skies. They have earned their happy ending.

Darci rule #43: the name of the ex is not said unless you want her in his head!

Michael: Dear Jane, first sorry for being goofy in the priest's office. I was just nervous because I was scared about writing something for you, a writer, and I've been thinking about what to say, which got me to thinking how lucky I was to have met you at all and all the small twists of fate that led me to you in the first place and how, in a way, our destiny was just a series of detours bringing us back to each other again and again.

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Alba: Do you think Rafael's okay? He's been in the shower a really long time.
Jane: That's just a rich person thing. He doesn't realize that we have one bathroom and water bills.

Rafael: Are you okay?
Petra: Well, Anezka lured me out to the dock last night and tried to kill me but yeah, other than that I'm perfect.

[phone chimes]
Female narrator: Okay, [Anezka]'s not going to check that.
Male narrator: She's a ding dong.

Female narrator: Wait! Where are we going? Ugh, are you serious? You're interrupting the date for what's her face walking through a hallway with papers?

Male narrator: It's Petra playing Anezka playing Petra. I told they do this.

Jane: You have been sending me all these mixed signals!
Rafael: What mixed signals?
Jane: Who leaves out a glass of wine with a post it saying, "I'm in the shower"?
Rafael: Someone who wants you relax after a bad date and also know that he was in the shower.

Jane: Who showers this much? [Rafael]'s going to be the cleanest homeless man in Miami.

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Alba: I like having [Rafael] here. We've become friends with benefits.
Jane: Abuela, that doesn't mean what you think it means.
Alba: I love his fitness tips and he has a roof over his head!

Jane: Zen Rafael is so much less annoying than douche Rafael.

Narrator: Damn, Alba is ride or die for Rafael!

Jane: [Rafael's] mature relationship voice is even more annoying than his douche voice.

Petra: Do you just stand there looking through the peephole until I come out?
Anezka: Don't be silly. I have a high stool I sit on.

Petra: Don't call [Luisa] "doctor." She lost her license years ago.

Rogelio: Posing naked with a feline is so 2014.

Jane: GIVE ME A BREAK.
Rafael: Stop yelling.
Jane: I AM NOT YELLING.
Rafael: ALL CAPS IS YELLING. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

Xiomara: We're stuck together forever. That's family.

Rogelio: Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

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Rogelio: You can't just introduce a new love interest 3/5 of way through the series and expect the audience to root for him!

Narrator: That reminds me. Where's Adam? What a guy.

 

Jane: They made me do 26 drafts. They can give the cover another go.

 

Mateo: Don't hurt her feelings and don't die, okay?

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Ike: Eight weeks? Wow, that's like two years in Jane/Adam time.

Petra: Whatever Luisa's paying, I'll pay you more to leave town.
Magda: She's paying us a million dollars.
Anezka: Actually, it's a million Czech kronas, mother.
Magda: Kronas? That's only $46,000.
Anezka: Wow!

Rogelio: Who goes after a pregnant woman and starts dating her within a week? Is this some kind of fetish or something?

Rogelio: I am rejecting this rewrite. Period. Period. Period.
Rudy: Technically that's an ellipsis.

Narrator: Is there anything the man can't make porny?

Magda: You do not want to cross me.
Luisa: Oh, please. I'm not scared of you, lady. I was dating an international crime lord. You killed two people. She started a war in Ukraine with Paul Manafort. There's no renegotiation. And stop showing kids your eye hole. It's gross.

Xiomara: Art is subjective. It's not like I think everything your dad does is genius.

Narrator: Yikes! I'm no artist, but these [book covers] suck.

Mateo: I'm bored.
Narrator: Me too!

Director: Less like Superman. More like sperm.
Esteban: Good note.

Doula: You know, you guys could have worn swimsuits [in the birthing pool].

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Rogelio: Now let me see you smile.
[Jane smiles]
Rogelio: More, more! With your eyes. As I told Tyra Banks, you have to smize.

Darci: It's a hard pass on Rogeliana.
Rogelio: Then what's your pitch? Because Darcella is also out.

Rafael: I get that you're upset that [Mateo meeting Katherine] just happened.
Jane: It didn't "just happen." You decided to do it and then you decided not to tell me.
Rafael: Because I knew you would react like this, and honestly I thought it'd be easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.
Jane: Is that what you're doing right now? Begging forgiveness?

Rogelio: Would you like to hold [the baby] before Darci picks her up? I heard that holding a newborn for a few minutes actually makes you more relaxed.
Narrator: Yeah, I'm guessing he didn't hear that from a stay at home parent.

Narrator: You remember this creepy guy, right?

Rogelio: Ryan Gosling has a daughter named Amada and I don't want to make the notorious Gosling/de la Vega rivalry even worse.

Xiomara: Why are there stripper poles here? This is supposed to be a promo for a kids' performing arts studio.
Crystal: They're not stripper poles. That's just what they're called.

Rogelio: You don't need slutty Crystal. You have slutty Rogelio!

#owlba

Rogelio: I will stomach the wrath of another ruthless Canadian.

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Petra: Everything's fine. There's nothing to worry about.
Jane: What do you mean? Worry about what?
Petra: I just said there's nothing to worry about.
Jane: Well that's a really weird way to start a phone call.

Petra: You got Villanuevaed.

Rafael: [Catherine] is completely nuts.
[Petra gives him a skeptical look]
Rafael: Oh, you don't think so?
Petra: My sister tried to drown me at sea. I have a high bar.

Lina: Nice to see you again. Don't mess things up this time.

Xo: Stop being such a baby.
Rogelio: Well, Baby is the greatest name in the world so I will take that as a compliment, no matter how it was intended.

Xo: We were talking about Ro's vasectomy.
Alba: Well, that's got to be difficult, Xiomara. He is very macho.
Xo: He owns more makeup than I do. He's campaigning to be the next CoverGirl.
#EasyBreezyRogelio

Alba: When I wanted something from our father, I'd walk around the house without a brassiere ad I'd brush up against him.

Dina: You're saying goodbye to the kidney stone that has been your steadfast companion for your journey down the lady scientist's urinary tract. Come on, this is our big Castaway ripoff!
Rogelio: Homage.

Rogelio: More or less famous than Michael Douglas.
Doctor: Exactly as famous as Michael Douglas.

Krishna: There's something else.
Petra: Spare me the dramatic pause.

Danny: That conversation was awkward because you were asking me all these strange questions and I was trying to be polite because I wanted to make a good impression on my fiancée's overprotective friend.

Narrator: Ah, so nice to be investigating a pretend murder at the Marbella for once.

Lina: As your best friend in the world and the person you just tried to make out with, that's a bunch of crap.

Rogelio: Did you buy [my acting]?
PA: Uh...sure?
Rogelio: Of course you didn't because I'm talking to a styrofoam kidney stone!

Luisa: This is Mark. You see Mark, right?

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Rafael: Remind me why I need to let go [of the Marbella].
Jane: Because lying and sneaking around got you thrown in jail in the past and run over by a car in the present so we need to protect the future - not just for you but for your children who need you as a role model.
Rafael: Wow, guilt plus scare tactics. Well done.

Anezka: Yes, I am in charge. That is why I have new business shoes.

Xiomara: Did Teresa finally tell Elena that Rodrigo is really Juan Carlos in a bad wig?

Fabian: Come on. Sexpot to sexpot, can you help me?

Petra: If Carl is real that means Luisa's in a mental institution for nothing. Well, not for nothing. She was still trying to break a mass murderer out of jail. That's legitimately crazy but not hallucination crazy.

Rogelio: Press + celeb photos = business!

Magda: I see you've spent time in prison. I like that. Shows you can get scrappy.

Fabian: This monologue is a stinky piece of garbage and I hardly understand it.
Jane: It's like I'm falling for you all over again.

Fabian: It needs more pizazz. It needs more sparkle. It needs to be more flowery.
Jane: Okay, flowery. Fine, I can do flowery. Flowery is my specialty.
[30 minutes later]
Fabian: Now it has too many describey words.
Jane: Adjectives?
Fabian: No. Words that describe other words.

Jane: Ugh, rum and Cherry Coke?
Rafael: I'm still figuring out the soda gun.

Fabian: Do not underestimate the power of my shirtlessness. No. This is an emergency. I'm going to go completely naked and cover my precious junk with your precious book. I may need two.

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Rafael: Do you have a lawyer?
Petra: No, I don't need one. Like I said, it was self defense.
Rafael: Yeah, I knew a lot of guys in prison who said that too.

Petra: Are you at the mental hospital?
Krishna: They prefer you call it a wellness center.

Xiomara: Bright side, our really difficult new family dynamic is something we can talk about in therapy.
Rogelio: I don't need to talk about that with a therapist. I just need Esteban to get a D list straight to Crackle film that shoots in Guadalajara.

Jane the Bud-Nipper

Jane: You're going to LOVE kindergarten!
Narrator: Debatable.
Jane: Now one last time, what is your name?
Mateo: Mateo Gloriana Rogelio Solano Villanueva.

Jane: I can't believe he's starting kindergarten.
Narrator: I know! I remember when he was just a syringe on a tray waiting to be inserted into the wrong woman.

Rogelio's tweet during therapy: I am so bored right now! I can't tell you where I am but it's the most boring place on earth and now I'm actually paying to be here! I know what you're thinking - dentist, right? Wrong! It's worse!! At least the dentist give you laughing gas and a lollipop! This place is awful!!!

Therapist: Rogelio, why are you reluctant to discuss the past?
Xiomara: Because he used to be a Scientologist and so he doesn't believe in therapy.
Rogelio: That is not true. Leah Remini and I totally changed our minds about that.

Xiomara: I'm hiding from your father. All he wants to talk about is his childhood and his feelings and his realizations and his realizations about his childhood feelings and his feelings about his childhood realizations.
#Rogelizations

Narrator: Look! Petra made a friend! A friend who charges six hundred dollars an hour.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Mateo: You guys are kissing! Does that mean you're getting married?

Rogelio: I have decided to take one year off from work to become a stay at home dad to Baby.
Rafael: Wow, Ro. I really admire that.
Rogelio: I do, too.
Alba: What about money?
Rogelio: We'll be fine. I agreed to do a slightly embarrassing overseas commercial. It is related to digestive issues.

Jane: Very few women of color get published. And when we do, we cannot afford to screw it up, because we don't get a second chance like our peers.
Narrator: Preach.
Jane: I'm actually in worse shape than before I sold my book. I don't have the whiff of promise of a first-time author. Instead, I have the stench of failure.
Xiomara: Come on, hon. I think you're being a little dramatic.
Jane: No, they actually used the word stench.

Jane the lawyer: The police went over all of your emails, and you said some pretty nasty stuff about your sister.
Narrator: Some highlights:
Why couldn't you have drowned in the Atlantic?
I hate you with the passion of a thousand Czech suns
Pokud nekdy znovu prijdes pobliz mne nebo me rodiny, prisaham, ze te zabiju
Narrator: Sorry, I'll translate that one.
If you come near me or my family again, I will kill you.

Xiomara: [Jorge] can't do [make Alba work the late shift]. Who the hell does he think he is?
Narrator: Uh, apparently every man in a position of power in the whole entire world except me.
#BurnItDownSis

Rogelio: More iced coffee, ladies? I ground the beans myself and infused them with cinnamon. Thank God for Pinterest.

Darci: What the hell is going on over there? You've been posting pictures for five hours straight.
Narrator: Which was true, for the record.
Rogelio: Well, we're just having fun.
Darci: Rogelio, you are supposed to be taking care of your child, not using her to raise your social media profile. Do you know who does that? Heidi and Spencer.
[Rogelio gasps]
Darci: A-listers maintain their children's privacy. There's a reason you never see George and Amal doing the pap stroll with their twins. So no more baby on social media, period.
Rogelio: You had me at Heidi and Spencer.

Jeffrey: Your story is incredible. I mean, talk about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. She used to play violin on the streets of Prague for pocket change.
Leslie: I remember thinking just based on the Ocean Drive article that Petra could author a great lifestyle book. I mean, she does look like the non-evil Ivanka.
Petra: Oh, please, I can't stand Ivanka. She tried to sell me a few of those bum condos a few years back.

Jane: Good luck on your Czechoslovakian bootstrap beach lifestyle book!

Petra: I'm gonna need you to get me some writing supplies. Green tea, candles, Montblanc pens, background music.

Narrator: And in that moment, Rogelio thought: if you take a selfie and no one sees it, do you even exist?

Jane the lawyer: Are you day drinking? And holding a seance?
Petra: No. I'm writing my book. Well, I just got the commission. It's a lifestyle book.
Jane the lawyer: The police are investigating you for murder. You really think it's a good idea to put out a lifestyle book?

Rafael's text: Hey. Short a few shirts. Did I leave any there?
Jane's text: I'll check. Which ones?
Rafael's text: The tightest douchiest ones.

Rafael: I'm scared. Scared that this is gonna last, that I'm gonna be stuck in this tiny apartment where the hallway has a weird hotdog smell. And part of me just didn't want to admit that to you because I don't want you to think I'm too dark.
Jane: No hallway should smell like that.

Jane the lawyer: And what is it with this Jane? Are you in love with her or something?
Petra: What? No.
Jane the lawyer: Then why are you obsessed with her?
Petra: I'm not. Okay, fine. Maybe now, but that's just because well, because she's mad at me.
Jane the lawyer: Are you okay?
Petra: I'm fine. Sorry.
Jane the lawyer: Cause this is a lot more emotion than you showed about your sister - who's dead.
Petra: My sister was awful. Jane's a good person. So if she's done with me, I must be awful.
Jane the lawyer: You're not awful. I hardly know you, and you got my mom in to see a doctor.
Petra: Well, cause Jane said I see relationships as transactional. I was trying to prove her wrong.
Jane the lawyer: Yeah, that makes more sense.

Jane: What is this really about? Do you want me to help you make things right with Rafael?
Petra: Rafael? No, I can win him back in my sleep. I've done way worse to him.

Jane: I'm just having a little writer's block right now.
Petra: Totally. Me, too. It's the worst, right?
Jane: Yeah. Yours is a little different, though, because you're not a writer.
Petra: I knew you were mad about that.
Jane: I'm not mad. I'm just flummoxed.
Petra: Well, I write every day. You know? Yeah. Presentations, letters, e-mails.
Jane: I mean, I stay at a lot of hotels. Doesn't mean I can run one.
Petra: Fine. If I admit it's really hard, will you be happy?
Jane: A little, yeah.

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Alba's online dating profile:

  • Must be religious (Catholic, specifically. No Methodist nonsense)
  • Must go to church three times a week
  • Must speak Spanish!
  • No divorce!
  • No toupees!
  • Doesn't litter!

Alba: I want to attract the right kind of man.
Jane: Clergymen and monks? Because that's what you're going to get with this profile.

Petra: I can't relate to Martha Stewart, Chrissy Teigen, or Bethany Frankel. I'm a businesswoman, not some celebrity who's had their name slapped on a business.
Narrator: Hey, back off Chrissy Teigen. She's a literal legend.

Petra: Those Stairmasters should obviously be facing the windows.
Delivery guy: Sorry, you didn't specify.
Petra: Yeah, well, I also didn't specifically say not to put them upside down. It's common sense.

Jane: Will [the book] have pictures or no pictures?
Petra: Don't condescend, Jane. Of course it will have pictures! With my new haircut!

Rogelio: Come on, Baby, I believe in you. Use your core!

Narrator: Okay, Jane. Just reinvent the book form. No pages, no chapters, no words. But definitely a narrator.

Petra: Insulted. Flat out insulted. That's the only way to desriibe it. "I strive to create a work environment that feels warm and communicative"? I would never say that. It's too-
Jane: Nice?
Petra: Nauseating.

Rafael: I was adopted and both my parents passed away, remember? I'm sorry you never got to meet them.
Narrator: Really? One was a thief and the other was a serial killer.
Rafael: I can give you their names.
Narrator: Just don't google them.
Mateo: What about your real parents?
Jane: You mean his biological parents.
Rafael: Actually, buddy, I don't know who they are.
Mateo: Don't you want to? Maybe they're pirates!

Petra: Jane, the first two letters in "shadow" are SH!

Petra: To instill fear. Employees need to worry they're going to lose their jobs. Keeps them on their toes.
Jane: I just think there are kinder ways to motivate your employees.
Petra: Interesting. And how many successful businesses have you run?
Narrator: Oh, snap.
Petra: Exactly.

Petra: Essentially it means if you pat a snake with a bare foot, don't be surprised if someone poops in your shoe. That may not translate.

Rogelio: Omigawd, Baby, I just got a reply from River Fields. She's a major icon with legendary eyebrows!

River Fields
Credits include:
Suddenly Susanne
The Green Lagoon
Pretty Babe

JR: Pete.
Petra: Did you just give my nickname a nickname?

Rafael: I'll never be Chris.
Jane: A Catholic doctor?

Alba: I feel like I've entered the gates of hell. I'd rather date a Protestant.
Jane: Trust me. They use these too.

Jane: You were right.
Petra. I know. About what?

Little girl: Daddy, is that vibrating hot dog?

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Rogelio: I'm compiling a list of leading ladies ranked by availability, tolerability, and whether their face muscles can still show emotion.

Professor Donaldson: Yeah, I started teaching writing temporarily too - twenty five years ago. Instead of seeing myself as a failed novelist, I choose to see myself as a successful teacher.
Narrator: A+ reframing!

Narrator: Did [Eva Longoria] just call her unknown relative a relative unknown?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Rogelio: How does this sound? "Dear River, I am begging you. Don't miss out on the greatest opportunity of your career just because I accidentally got you attacked by a wolf. To do so would be a huge mistake in a career littered with mistakes."

Rogelio: It's my failure folder. The bleakest, most soul crushing reviews of my career.
Reviews: ...performance rendered in crayon...as subtle as Lady Gaga on speed...a well-coiffed buffoon...

Petra: Who's following you?
JR: I don't know. Someone's been tailing me all day. Do you know anyone with a late model olive green sedan?
Petra: Ewww. No.

Jane: And I do not giggle. I have never giggled a day in my life. Giggling is for peasants.
Mateo: Are you Shrek?
Jane: No, I'm being Auntie Petra.

#clitourist

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Mateo: Look! I have a loose tooth and it's hanging by a string!
Elsa: Ewwww.
Anna: Gross.

River: I did hate the character of Brenda. it's just the worst kind of one dimensional stereotypical female character. "Heaving bosom," "beautiful but doesn't know it," "effortlessly thin." Are you freaking kidding me?
Rogelio: I will happily adjust the character according to your criticism, River Fields. You want a smaller bosom? Done. And starting now, Brenda is beautiful but she does know it. And of course she doesn't have to be thin. She could be a midwest medium. Go ahead and eat those fries!
River: My point was she needs characteristics, a point of view. What does she want?
Rogelio: Well, she wants Steve to love her.
River: What else?
Rogelio: French fries?

Mateo: Mommy, don't hurt the tooth fairy!

Rafael: I need your help.
Rose: Why would I help you? You're the reason I'm in here.
Rafael: Actually you're in jail because of all the people you murdered.
Rose: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Narrator: Is it just me or does it look like Petra wants to be wrongfully accused or murder again?

Narrator: I know! Straight out of a telenovela, right? Or a controversial premium cable drama.

Rogelio: River Fields is on board! We are officially going to make The Passions of Steve and Brenda: The First Co-Presidents of the United States!

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On 3/10/2018 at 6:44 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

#clitourist

This. this made me rewind because i was sure that wasn't what I had seen. And then i cackled like an old hen!

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Jane: Do you have romantic feelings for me?
Petra: WHAT?!
Jane: Raf said you wanted to ask me out.
Petra: EWWWW.
Jane Eww?
Petra: Why would you say that?
Jane: Eww is a little harsh.

Jane: Did you get the vibe that [JR] likes you too?
Petra: It's more than a vibe. We had sex.

Petra: Jane, I meant what I said. Call me if you need anything. Non-sexual. Because I would rather go to Chuck E. Cheese during flu season than -
Jane: Yup, loud and clear.

Elsa: Did you pack our shampoo? We don't like daddy's. It's too perfumey.

Alba: I told you very clearly that I didn't want to see a therapist.
Rogelio: True. But that's what most people who need therapy say, including me.

Rafael: It's not your job to make Xo understand your point of view. It's your job to understand hers.

Petra: I'm everyone's type!

Petra: This is so not me, all of it! I don't obsess about what I'm wearing or overanalyze text messages or stalk anyone! I get stalked. I've been stalked multiple times. I have even been kidnapped - TWICE.
JR: Are you bragging about being kidnapped?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Rogelio: No, Sheila! Santos never wears peach - never ever! Even if he was playing a peach, he would wear lavender. He would be a lavender peach.

#PapaDontPeach

Rogelio: I have to tell you something. It's important.
Darcy: Let me guess - you took a personality test and it turns out your a narcissistic egomaniac with a subconscious inferiority complex.

Petra: Things not to bring up - let's start with the three Is: insemination, infidelity, and any other indiscretions.

Jane: Abuela, I'm going to give you the same speech you've always given us - don't throw away your future over some boy.

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Rafael: I know this is normally your thing but I happen to EXCEL at budget worksheets.
[Jane keeps typing]
Rafael: Really? Nothing? I just made a spreadsheet joke. I thought that you'd be all over that.

Anna: Are you wearing mommy's shirt?
Elsa: I call it a camisole.

Xiomara: It's like a slushie brain freeze minus the slushie.
Narrator: Sounds like a poop sandwich minus the bread.

Donna: My husband used to put [the cold cap] on so lopsided, I looked like the love child of LL Cool J and Davy Crockett.

Rafael: So what went down after your grandmother saw my junk?

Jane: No more sex in the house is the bottom line. We'll have to sneak around like teenagers. Not that I ever had sex when I was a teenager.

Rogelio: The Oval Office has to be a heart because we are co-presidents and two ovals form a heart!
River: It's cheesy.
Rogelio: It's romantic, and romance is what novelas are about - a pornography of emotions.

River: I underestimated you.
Rogelio: Thank you. Most people do.

Rogelio: [This suit] looks like a double breasted poop emoji!

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Rogelio: I've gotten over my ambivalence for you.

Petra: I told you, babe. It's not safe to leave the windows open. The kids.
JR: Then why don't you get screens or bars or something?
Petra: Because they're ugly.

Rafael: Anna's in a mood and Ellie's upset because she wanted tuna tartare, not tuna fish, which I didn't have at my apartment obviously.

Petra: I think I just quoted Dirty Dancing.

Narrator: Looks like Petra's got hungry eyes.

#JRshotwho

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