Wiendish Fitch

Same with that female cop (sorry, forgot her name) on The Fall.

I love Wes Anderson, but Grand Budapest Hotel did absolutely nothing for me. I thought it was too cold and kind of mean-spirited, and the pacing felt off. Fantastic Mr. Fox is still my favorite Anderson movie.

Is it weird that Michael Crawford is my favorite thing about Hello, Dolly! ? Yeah, he's never been the greatest actor, but, between way-too-young Barbra Streisand and tone-deaf Walter Matthau, he seems to be the only well-cast principal cast member, and darned if he doesn't give it his all. I confess some of my opinion is colored by Wall-E (God, I love "Put on Your Sunday Clothes"), but, yeah, overall, Hello, Dolly! is a disappointment. What's worse is the pedigree behind the scenes: Michael Kidd, the wonderful choreographer behind The Band Wagon and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? Lennie Hayton, the great composer also from MGM's golden years (and husband of Lena Horne, in case you care)? Directed by Gene flippin' Kelly?! How could such a mass of talent create something so... meh?

Glad to hear it, voiceover. :)

Preach. It. But let's say, for argument's sake, that these so-called men are right, and that women over 30 are "bitter". Ever wonder why that is? It's because society has told us that "life ends at 30", and the unspoken rest of that sentence is "especially if you're a woman". Women are valued for their youth and beauty, and what happens after 30? Well, according to society, we fade and lose our sparkle, our glow, or whatever other dumb term you want to use. Suddenly, we can't wear this or that anymore, we can't do this or that anymore, and we're told that we have no chance of competing with younger, hotter models, and that we may as well be put out to pasture, or spend the rest of our lives with bags over our heads. We're told we need to plump up our lips, inject botulism into our brain cavity, and dye our hair every other day, lest the tiniest fragment of grey shows. If a woman in fiction is over 30, that fact is the biggest part of her identity (Blanche duBois and Bridget Jones both come to mind). Men, though? Men never have to get nipped or tucked or dye their hair, because grey hair and wrinkles on a man are considered "distinguished", as opposed to a woman's "haggard". Ever seen a wrinkle cream ad aimed at men? No, and you never will, I'll venture to say. Men can get away with being fat, or dressing exactly as they did in college, and no one gives them a hard time. 30 is meaningless for a man; hell, 40 and 50 don't mean that much, but for a woman? It's the end of the line for you if you can't make babies or attract a man anymore. The punchable character Roger Sterling from Mad Men said, in the very first episode that, "Women turn 30, and it's like someone turns out a light". Way too many men share that sentiment. So, yeah, as a woman over 30, I am pleased to say I'm not bitter in general, for I have a good life and marriage. But I am bitter as hell over this double standard, and I know I'm not alone.

Certain popular misconceptions drive me up the wall. Allow me to be snotty and list them (ahem): 1. Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster! The monster doesn't have a name! I know some people have defended calling the monster Frankenstein because of the old movies, but I don't consider the movies canon (really, I don't think anyone should), and that doesn't erase the fact that Frankenstein is the name of the creator! It especially irks me when people smarter than I am get this wrong. 2. Yes, Helen Keller was blind. Yes, Helen Keller was deaf. However, Helen Keller was. Not. Mute! Helen Keller learned to talk! Yes, literally talk, with her mouth and with her voice! For God's sake, it's the plot of The Miracle Worker! There's even said to be surviving footage of Keller learning to mimic sounds! 3. It's fine and good if you're not humanity's biggest cheerleader. However, contrary to what people (even Morgan Freeman and his mellifluous voice) tell us, humans do not use just 10% of their brains. How many times does this idiotic statement have to be debunked? Now, I'm aware there are humans who seem like they use just 10% (or less) of their brains, but the truth is, we use nearly all of it! Even while we're asleep, our brains are unbelievably active! I hate to disappoint anyone, but we wouldn't be X-Men if we used 100% of our brains! 4. Stop calling the Civil War the "War of Northern Aggression". I was born in the North, and have lived in the South since I was 7, but I like to think I can see the positive and negative sides to both. I'm not blind to the North's faults; I was born in Massachusetts, which is said to be the first state to have slaves (then there's that whole, ugly Salem Witch Trial that will be a mark on its soul forever, and rightly so), so I would never put the North on too high a pedestal. I could go on all day about things that bother me about the North (high cost of living, "Noo Yawkers" who won't shut up about how superior New York is to the rest of the world). However, I hate this notion that the South was innocently handing out mint juleps while Sherman fiendishly twirled his mustache as his troops were raising hell. The last time I checked, war rarely, if ever, makes a "good guy" out of anybody! And I have plenty of gripes about the South, too (passive aggressive behavior, people whining about how "cold" it is at 68 degrees), so I wish people would just get over themselves and keep the regional pride to a bearable minimum.

Movie endings I love: Fred and Ginger dancing off into the Art Deco sunset (okay, it's already night, but humor me) in Top Hat. The chilling, haunting (pardon the pun), unforgettable end to The Innocents. I don't dare spoil it, but it's the greatest ending to a ghost story I've ever seen (and this is from someone who doesn't like ghost stories). Barbara Harris's defiant stand against tragedy by beautifully leading everyone in a rousing, "Hell Yeah!" rendition of "It Don't Worry Me" in Nashville. in Pollyanna. Not only that, but I appreciate I won't lie, I did blubber quite a bit at that. I think Pollyanna is the greatest live-action Disney film ever, and that it deserves more credit than it has. Don revealing the gifted and unknown Kathy's identity to Hollywood, while serenading her with "You Are My Lucky Star" in Singin' in the Rain. How can your heart not swell with stupid joy over that?! The Iron Giant has one of the greatest happy endings of all time. I don't care how old you are, or how jaded you are, you will shriek aloud

IMO, Garson and Olivier are the only reasons to watch the 1940 Pride and Prejudice. Yeah, Garson's too old to play Elizabeth, but I don't care, because she gets Elizabeth. She's not my favorite Elizabeth Bennett, per se (that's still Jennifer Ehle), but I still really like Garson's portrayal, for she really brings out Elizabeth's mischievous side (I adore the archery scene) and romantic spirit. And, Holy Moses, Olivier was flippin' gorgeous when he was young! Those eyes, those chiseled features, that hair, that voice! But, other than that, I share in others' disdain for this version. I hate the fussy, frou-frou costumes and the fact that the financially strapped Bennett ladies never wear the same thing twice. Even if P&P took place in the 1840s-1860s, my girl Elizabeth would prefer a neater look, none of that gaudy garbage she wears in the movie. It's just too cutesy in tone, to the point where it never feels like anything's at stake.

The emperor said it best: "You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty!" In The Best Years of Our Lives, when Peggy (Teresa Wright) announces to her astonished parents her intent to break up Fred Derry (Dana Andrews)'s marriage, she lectures them that they shouldn't judge her, that they don't know what his marriage is like, because their marriage has always been so darned happy and easy. Her mother, Milly (Myrna Loy) then offers this gentle but powerful rebuttal, along with Peggy's father, Al (Fredric March): "We never had any trouble." How many times have I told you I hated you and believed it in my heart? How many times have you said you were sick and tired of me; that we were all washed up? How many times have we had to fall in love all over again? One, it's one of the most beautiful testaments on the reality of even the best marriages, and, also, unlike today's movie parents, they don't take their daughter's crap lying down and they get the final word.

She's a very good Cinderella... a good, traditional Cinderella. If you go in expecting Danielle Redux, you will be sorely disappointed.

Since you guys were talking about Magnificent Obsession (the 1954 one), may I take the time to admit that I un-ironically like, even love, that movie? Don't get me wrong, I'm not blind to its faults: it is melodramatic, it is over the top, I'm aware Douglas Sirk didn't like it much and never took it that seriously, but you know what? I don't care. As someone who hates living in a world where nearly everyone in Hollywood demands that we forgive Roman Polanski (nope, sorry, not happening, not for me), where young women earnestly proclaim that "Chris Brown can hit [me] any time", where the Boston Marathon Bomber makes the cover of Rolling Stone instead of his victims or the police and paramedics who aided in the aftermath, I like that Magnificent Obsession is about an asshole who becomes a better person. I don't know, maybe I'm just a pious blowhard, but, looking past its flaws and Sirk-ian gloss, I actually find Magnificent Obsession's moral kind of appealing and refreshing. I also really like Jane Wyman as Helen. She truly makes you care for her. I know she was an Oscar winner, but I think Wyman is underrated as an actress. And I think it's mean how people sneer that she's "too old and unattractive" for Rock Hudson. No one ever says anything about leathery Cary Grant wooing the likes of Deborah Kerr, Leslie Caron, or Audrey Hepburn (all young enough to be his daughters, just for the record), so I don't see why it's so ridiculous for Wyman, who was only a little over a decade than Hudson, to win the man. I will be shallow and admit her hairdo in the movie isn't doing her favors, but we can't blame her for that. I think Wyman looked nicer without bangs and with longer hair (like in Pollyanna).

Great choices, Spartan Girl. Ever After is my favorite Cinderella adaptation, and my personal "Hell yeah!" moment is when Danielle punches out Marguerite. Let's face it, don't you think, in too many Cinderella adaptations, the evil stepmother and stepsisters get off way too easily? If you're an abusive bully, you should get whatever shabby, well-deserved karma that comes your way. And, oh, Trading Places never gets old, especially the great Ralph Bellamy's priceless "My God... we're ruined!" (cue dramatic heart attack) and Don Ameche's shrill, panicky, outraged reaction (it took a lot of coaxing to get him to say "Fuck him!!"). It's always fun to see older legends play off younger talents, no?

May I sit at the "fart and poop jokes aren't that funny" table? The only fart scene in a movie I think is great is Blazing Saddles.

I've also noticed an ugly trend how when a husband cheats on his wife, his wife is always somehow to blame, whether it's by other characters or viewers. It's always for a dumb myriad of reasons: She wasn't exciting enough, she didn't want to have sex every damn night, she kept the same hairstyle for too long, her cooking's not that great, she's too ambitious (ugh), or, the one that really pisses me off, she was "arrogant" and "took their love for granted" by assuming the husband would never cheat (uh, that sounds like trust and confidence to me). Shouldn't the husband bear the blame? After all, he's the one who chose to stray!

Some mean UOs (apologies to those I might offend): I don't think Wachowskis are relevant anymore. The Matrix was their one big moment, but that's it. Jupiter Ascending had the kind of boring, dime-a-dozen, convoluted plot you'd see on any SyFY TV movie. In fact, that's all their movies are: SyFY movies with bigger budgets. Boy, I'm a Grinch... not only am I 500 different varieties of over Frozen, but I have the UO that Rapunzel from Tangled had it way, way, way rougher than Anna did. Rapunzel was kidnapped, kept prisoner in a tower, was exploited by her captor on a daily basis, deprived of her power as a princess, had no friends outside of a damn chameleon, and didn't even see the world until she was 18. Anna had a huge castle to run around and explore, had some human contact with the few servants who worked there (we're given no indication that they were anything but nice to her), had some clout as a princess, and could at least go outside if she wanted. So Elsa "shut her out"? For God's sake, that's how a lot of sisters are! My sister and I couldn't stand each other growing up! Hell, we didn't even like each other until we were in our 20s! I don't know why everyone acts like Anna is the most tragic character in history!

I respectfully disagree about it being worse than Carrie. At least only Josie and that asshole she had the misfortune of trusting knew what happened, and I'm willing to bet Josie could at least seek comfort with her loving mom. Carrie was publicly humiliated and toyed with, and stabbed by her psycho mother. Moving along, don't forget that Rob was the one who invented the nickname "Josie Gross-y." Also, his flirting with that underage girl was 100 kinds of disgusting. Rob was an asshole who deserved to be a failure. He shouldn't have succeeded at the end, he should have served as a cautionary tale against being a douchebag who peaks in his teens. And how about that teacher who humiliates Josie for being late to class… but doesn't utter a peep when that popular idiot waltzes in even later? What a hypocritical bitch! Gosh, no wonder I haven't re-watched Never Been Kissed since high school...

Aw, shucks, ribboninthesky1 and MrsRafaelBarba! *blushes and shuffles feet in a modest and hopefully endearing way*

I don't like it when people accuse you of "not having a sense of humor" just because you didn't laugh at their jokes. First off, everyone's sense of humor is different, everyone is not going to laugh at the same things. Second, I'm under no obligation to laugh at your wheezy, unfunny, outdated jokes. Two years ago, I had someone get all defensive because I didn't laugh at their rendition of the Michael Jackson/Wal-Mart joke. Seriously? That joke is legally old enough to drink! It wasn't even funny when it was relevant! You know the old saying if you have to explain a joke, there's no joke? I feel the same applies to defending a joke. If no one laughed, the fault isn't with them, it's you, you're not funny, and you're embarrassing everyone involved, including yourself. Sit down and shut up. But I'm not perfect, I have often wondered if I do lack a sense of humor, at least about certain things. So, to anyone who's ever gotten on my case about not laughing at their jokes, I propose a compromise: I'll take time to consider if I'm just a humorless stiff, as long as you consider that you're a needy, entitled, unfunny, untalented moron whom Dane Cook would boo off the stage. I think that's fair, don't you?

Darn you, Spartan Girl, you beat me to the punch! :) But chiming in, this movie was crap. Serena joins the ranks of the 2012 The Lorax as one of the most appallingly wretched, not-even-trying-to-grasp-the-point-of-the -source-material adaptations I've ever seen. I share in your assessment 100%. For those who haven't read the book, let me fill you in on who Serena is: She is aloof, elegant, cold, calculating, feminine but, at the same time, disdainful conventional womanly behavior (chick doesn't have a shy or swoony bone in her body), one step ahead of everyone in the room, and is absolutely not to be trifled with. She is also described as tall, extremely slender, with high cheekbones. Imagine Lady MacBeth (to whom Serena has rightly been compared), with elements of Kathie from Out of the Past in the body of a Hitchcock blonde. That is not who we get in the movie. This Serena banters and teases her husband adorably (Serena in the book is capable of banter, but of the cruel, cutting variety, and with people she doesn't like). Movie Serena greets the eagle with a girlish "hi" (Book Serena in the book would never, in a million lifetimes, ever stoop to saying "hi"). The last third of the movie, Movie Serena is prone to ugly crying and blubbering (if Book Serena cries, we are never privy to her doing it). Movie Serena gets drunk when she's depressed (Book Serena would sneer at such weak behavior). Let me just say that I love Jennifer Lawrence, but even if I didn't, I'm fully aware that she is more talented and successful than I will ever be. I understand this, I've come to terms with it, it is fact. However, that doesn't alter one whit the fact that she is completely wrong as Serena. Now, the blame goes primarily to the director and the screenwriter (a pox on both of them), but I maintain that, in spite of her talent, Lawrence is wrong for Serena. Aside from being too young and looking it (Serena in the book is 27, but, remember, being 27 in 1929 was completely different than what it is today), her Serena is too smiley, too girlish, too giggly. When she was with the eagle, there was none of the mystical quality of their bond in the book; for God's sake, I expected Movie Serena to baby talk the stupid bird ("Who's a pwetty birdy? Who wuvs you? Mama wuvs you!"). Lawrence is a damn good actress, but, again, you can tell she was too young and out of her depth. There's none of the icy sophistication that made Serena so compelling in the book. It doesn't help the direction is piss-poor; you don't get the sense that Serena outlived her family members, you sense that the worst thing that happened to her was that boys didn't like her at school. Again, I'm aware I have no right to say this, but Jessica Chastain would have made a magnificent Serena. Please understand, I don't expect movie adaptations to be perfect mirror images of the books. That is unreasonable and a recipe for disaster. But just keep the overall spirit and theme of the book, that's all I ask. Gone Girl was an excellent adaptation, tight as a drum (it helps that Gillian Flynn wrote the screenplay, but no matter). The Lord of the Rings trilogy? Fine and dandy, in spite of the liberties. The 2005 The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe? I don't think C.S. Lewis would have many complaints. Gone with the Wind? Flawless, even at the expense of Scarlett's two other kids (and how many people care about them, anyway?) But that brings me back to the main point: the screenwriter. Whoever it was, I doubt they even read Ron Rash's book. It's like they skimmed the blurb on the back, checked Wikipedia just in case, then went from there. I'm aware Susanne Bier spent ages editing this festering pile of a movie, but her efforts were in vain. There is no sense of time or place in the movie, we don't learn what life is like at the lumber mill, the national park plot line is forgotten halfway, and we know nothing of the characters or what makes them tick. Bradley Cooper is the mayonnaise of movie stars: blandly pleasant at best, but easily substituted with healthier, more flavorful alternatives (Mr. Fitch thinks Tom Hardy would have made a better George Pemberton, and I'm inclined to agree). What was that accent Cooper was aiming for? Southern? Boston? Canadian? Dude, if in doubt, forgo the accent! You have less to lose that way! By the way, anyone notice how, when Pemberton goes inside to confront Buchanan during that comically loud rainstorm, he isn't the least bit wet? Speaking of accents, I normally love Toby Jones, but, bless his heart, the man cannot do a Southern accent to save his life, at least not for long. He seemed to switch from George Bush to Michael Caine in the twinkling of an eye. Same with Sean Harris's Campbell, who appeared to go Australian at some point (even though Harris is British, what's that all about?). Poor Rachel, an important, sympathetic character with a wonderful arc and resolution in the book, is reduced to a nonentity with less than 10 lines to her name. We don't even get the stage-setting knife fight in the beginning! Go to Hell, screenwriters. I hope Ron Rash never sees this, for it would break his heart seeing his work defaced like this.

If it makes you feel any better, I couldn't help but say "Hell yeah!" when Jerry slapped Masha after escaping in The King of Comedy. Being kidnapped and held hostage by a repulsive, entitled, vile loser like Rupert Pupkin is bad enough, but to have a psycho bitch like Masha serenade you, come on to you, rant and rave in your face while you're bound and gagged for hours? Good lord, I'm amazed he didn't do worse! Still, I would have liked to see Jerry exact even deeper, more well-deserved revenge on Rupert, but, alas...

Hey, he's a man, what does it matter if he's 37? Men in Hollywood can make it at 37, 47, or, in Bryan Cranston's case, 57. If Ackles were a woman? Then, yes, his window would most likely be closed.

Same here. I'm actually very leery of people who have "no regrets". Either they're lying, or they're those rare people who have actually done everything right, or they're sociopaths. I could never, ever be friends with someone who doesn't regret, say, being being a bully, or putting loved ones through hell. I think it's a sign that something very vital and essentially human is missing.

Billy Gray, who played Bud on Father Knows Best, had this to say about the show: "I wish there was some way I could tell kids not to believe it - the dialogue, the situations, the characters - they were all totally false. The show did everybody a disservice. The girls were always trained to use their feminine wiles, to pretend to be helpless to attract men. The show contributed to a lot of the problems between men and women that we see today....I think we were all well motivated, but what we did was run a hoax. Father Knows Best purported to be a reasonable facsimile of life. And the bad thing is that the model is so deceitful. It usually revolved around not wanting to tell the truth, either out of embarrassment, or not wanting to hurt someone....If I could say anything to make up for all the years I lent myself to that kind of bullshit, it would be: *You* Know Best."

Funny, at my Costco they call it the "Senior Lunch". One sample of each is fine. Two…. eh, pushing it, but forgivable. Five of each, though? Tacky to the extreme.

I thought Topol was absolutely, undeniably fantastic in Fiddler on the Roof. Sometimes I prefer it when they get a fresh talent for the film adaptation of a Broadway musical. I've no doubt Zero Mostel was marvelous, but you know what? After that many performances, who's to say he wasn't burned out on the part? Rex Harrison seemed to be treading water in the film version of My Fair Lady, and Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick may as well have been comatose in The Producers. Topol was great, and I think it's unfair to him that, almost 45 years later, we're still lamenting that Zero Mostel wasn't in the movie. I'm not saying this is always the case; Joel Grey was wonderful in Cabaret (I'm so thrilled he beat out Al Pacino for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar). And the good folks at Motown should have fought tooth and nail to get Stephanie Mills to star in the film version of The Wiz and told Diana Ross to sit her skinny, too old ass to sit down and shut up ("Dorothy's an ageless character"? Whatever, Diana).