clubsauce

Why does Aiden look like Bryan Cranston? Why was he wearing a coat that made him look like he just left the military a century ago? Was he wearing dentures?

The new champ does NOT look anything like Hitler. Nope. Not at all. Not even a little. He shouldn’t change his hair to look less like hitler either. Or shave his little mustache. Nope!

I feel like Jake is part of an SNL skit when he finds a daily double and they pan back to him and he’s already leaning all over the podium. I keep expecting him to be sitting ON the podium at some point like The Thinker.

Hi friends. Imagine this: you watch two hours of this crap on Monday, only because you know in the back of your mind that it will be all over on Tuesday night. So you stay up late Tuesday too, fast forwarding though commercials and gratuitous crying. Then, only when you notice that “hey! It’s 9:45 and we don’t seem close to wrapping this up and then you think, huh, this season finale is really cutting it close and then oh my god this ISN’T the season finale at all and I’ve been looking forward to this all weekend during which my passive aggressive mother in law was a total TOTAL passive aggressive mean person and I thought, well, at least I have the bachelorette finale to look forward to and I can say funny things on Primetimer and then you realize that THIS IS NOT THE FINALE AT ALL AND I’M A PATHETIC CHUMP.” Imagine that. Sob.

The sweating scene was an homage to “Airplane!” right? Right???

This is supposed to be fun! I have a phobia and literally had the beginnings of a panic attack when all the graphic sickness happened. I don’t want to see that! Again and again no less! Also, if I had never seen the show, I would honestly think Miranda had married someone with a developmental disability. Why is David Eigenberg acting that way?? It’s too much.

Seriously, who put Joe in charge of who stays or leaves?

Is this thing on?

So funny how kaitlyn and taisha wrote the EXACT SAME fantasy suite note as Chris Harrison! WORD FOR WORD! I wonder if they just used wite-out on the signature? Also, how is Blake both grossly masculine yet somehow feminine at the same time?

Sister is wearing something from the Steve Irwin Collection.

Katie’s type is apparently Cro-Magnon.

I genuinely want to know—how were Woody and Soon-Yi ever allowed to adopt children?

Don’t the pageant women anchor those crowns with like 20 bobby pins? QV pulled it right out so easily. TOO easily. I’m suspicious...

There is so much gross in this episode! 1. Don’t lean in for a kiss with YOUR MOUTH OPEN, MATT! 2. QV’s vocal fry. 3. Matt punning about “taking the reins” while on a horse. 4. Matt! Shut your mouth!!!

Willem Dafoe + Arnold Schwarzenegger + not sure what else = the wedding photographer