clubsauce

Why does Aiden look like Bryan Cranston? Why was he wearing a coat that made him look like he just left the military a century ago? Was he wearing dentures?

The new champ does NOT look anything like Hitler. Nope. Not at all. Not even a little. He shouldn’t change his hair to look less like hitler either. Or shave his little mustache. Nope!

I feel like Jake is part of an SNL skit when he finds a daily double and they pan back to him and he’s already leaning all over the podium. I keep expecting him to be sitting ON the podium at some point like The Thinker.

Hi friends. Imagine this: you watch two hours of this crap on Monday, only because you know in the back of your mind that it will be all over on Tuesday night. So you stay up late Tuesday too, fast forwarding though commercials and gratuitous crying. Then, only when you notice that “hey! It’s 9:45 and we don’t seem close to wrapping this up and then you think, huh, this season finale is really cutting it close and then oh my god this ISN’T the season finale at all and I’ve been looking forward to this all weekend during which my passive aggressive mother in law was a total TOTAL passive aggressive mean person and I thought, well, at least I have the bachelorette finale to look forward to and I can say funny things on Primetimer and then you realize that THIS IS NOT THE FINALE AT ALL AND I’M A PATHETIC CHUMP.” Imagine that. Sob.

The sweating scene was an homage to “Airplane!” right? Right???

This is supposed to be fun! I have a phobia and literally had the beginnings of a panic attack when all the graphic sickness happened. I don’t want to see that! Again and again no less! Also, if I had never seen the show, I would honestly think Miranda had married someone with a developmental disability. Why is David Eigenberg acting that way?? It’s too much.

Seriously, who put Joe in charge of who stays or leaves?

Is this thing on?

So funny how kaitlyn and taisha wrote the EXACT SAME fantasy suite note as Chris Harrison! WORD FOR WORD! I wonder if they just used wite-out on the signature? Also, how is Blake both grossly masculine yet somehow feminine at the same time?

Sister is wearing something from the Steve Irwin Collection.

Katie’s type is apparently Cro-Magnon.

I genuinely want to know—how were Woody and Soon-Yi ever allowed to adopt children?

Don’t the pageant women anchor those crowns with like 20 bobby pins? QV pulled it right out so easily. TOO easily. I’m suspicious...

There is so much gross in this episode! 1. Don’t lean in for a kiss with YOUR MOUTH OPEN, MATT! 2. QV’s vocal fry. 3. Matt punning about “taking the reins” while on a horse. 4. Matt! Shut your mouth!!!

Willem Dafoe + Arnold Schwarzenegger + not sure what else = the wedding photographer

How are we supposed to snark and mock a show that needs a PSA at the end? No fun, show. When JoJo announced that time was up at the cocktail party it had the same delivery as a mom sending their kid to bed. “It’s time—no you cannot have 5 more minutes...” Also, can’t she just be “Jo” and not “JoJo”? Also Bennett said “It’s been a ‘world wind’.” Harvard? Why couldn’t HE have gotten the fake lie detector???

I have so many questions and comments —“Chasen” is a fake, made up name —is “smokeshow” a compliment or an insult? —please don’t get rid of the mustache—he’s the only one I can tell apart from the others —is that a regulation body oil paintbrush? —in the lighting at the La Quinta, Tayshia’s teeth look like Ross from friends when he bleached his teeth

Everyone, wait! According to the tag at the end they’ve been together for four DAYS! Don’t we all feel a little silly for thinking it wouldn’t last?

“Your dad hitchhiked??? MY dad hitchhiked!!!! MARRY ME!”

Clare to all the guys: “Enough about me. What do YOU think about me?”

I think Susan is a character from The Carol Burnett Show.

New champ’s shocked reaction to his win made me blurt out “calm down, Miss America.”

I’m genuinely angry that Chris told Madison several times that “Peter ended his engagement...” He SO did NOT you shit stirrer!!!! I also want to thank all of you for all the funny, snarky, awesome comments. I hate this goddamn show, but I look forward to seeing you all every Monday night.

I’m a little behind so I’m still meeting the parents with Madi. The level of how involved everyone is in their “business” is making me so uncomfortable. I feel like I keep making a grossed out, flared nostril face that keeps getting more and more flared and grossed out. Bud.

Oh Peter. A scar can make you look tough, but only when you don’t point it out every five minutes and WHEN IT WASN'T THE RESULT OF A FREAK GOLF CARTING CRASH.