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Silicon Valley Quotes: Justin Bieber Is the Hitler of Music

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Ehrlich: Don't touch anything. Failure is contagious.

Richard: You think you can do our whole job in two days?
Kevin: I know I can do it in two days. I pound Mello Yello, Oreos, and Adderall and I don't sleep until I'm done.

Ehrlich: You need to drag this little shitstain from under this table and have him go through every single line of code with you to unfuck it while it's still unfuckable.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Erlich: We're going to win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.
Jared: That's a lot of jerking.
Guilfoyle: And we only have ten minutes to present, so...
Richard: So we're fucked, aren't we?
Dinesh: Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are what, 800 guys in that room so that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk time is.
Jared: The what?
Dinesh: Mean jerk time. I mean, it doesn't matter but hypothetically time is equal to 400 total jerks at a 2 dick rate.
Guilfoyle: Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time and then we can cut that in half.
Dinesh: How would he do four guys? He's got two hands so that's two dicks at a time, right?
Guilfoyle: You have two guys on either side with their dicks tip to tip so you're going full length. Four, see?
Jared: Ohhhh. From the middle out. That makes sense.
Guilfoyle: Two shake ways.
Dinesh: So what we're trying to do hypothetically is minimize time which is 800 dudes multiplied by mean jerk time divided by 4 dicks at a time. Of course, Erlich would have to presort guys by height so their dicks lined up.
Guilfoyle: Not by height. Technically the measurement that we're looking for really is dick to floor. Call that D2F.
Erlich: You know, if a guy's dick was long enough he would be able to reach up or down to another guy with a different D2F. The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge. I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion. I would just have to jerk it on an angle.
Guilfoyle: So D2F sub 1 needs to equal D2F sub 2 and D2F sub 3 needs to equal D2F sub 4 where length L creates a complementary shaft angle. Call that theta D. Now the orgasm threshold is a function of lambda sub I.
Jared: Guys, does girth similarity affect Ehrlich's ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?
Ehrlich: Shit, yeah. I think it would.

Ehrlich: Time to orgasm or T2O has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks, otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted.
Guilfoyle: Unless you hotswap dicks in and out so on a downstroke, you get a new one in so when you stroke up, you're not wasting any energy.
Dinesh: Even so, I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Jared: Guys, does girth similarity affect Ehrlich's ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?

Ehrlich: Shit, yeah. I think it would.

This was my favorite part of the whole brilliant exchange. Jared had been following along, but his first contribution was introducing the girth variable. And before Ehrlich answered him, he made the up and down stroke with his hand changing the size as he considered it.


I was already dying at the whole exchange, and that moment was the perfect way to sort of wrap up the scene in a way that left me believing that the guys were going to keep on talking about it long into the evening.

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A bit late to the party but a small part of an Ehrlich's tirade to Richard in the first episode really sold me on this show.


Erlich: "Everyone involved in the music industry is either stealing it or sharing it, they're all a bunch of assholes, especially Radiohead."

Richard: [shakes his head in disagreement.]

Erlich, restating his point: "Yeah, they're assholes."


i mean, calling out Radiohead is funny to me, but what's even funnier is that timid Richard chooses that point to disagree on, and then that Erlich's hate for Radiohead would spurn him to reiterate his disdain for them when met with the smallest resistance. 

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VC guy: You called me a chode gargling fuck toilet.

Jared: Apparently Erlich used some pretty assertive vaginal metaphors.

Erlich: At least I had the common decency to shave mine.
Richard: Before you pulled them out in public?

Dinesh's cousin: Yo yo yo, I just want to thank everyone for coming out to this kickstarter party for Bro, the app that proves you can change the world in just one word.
Dinesh: Actually it's just half a word.
Girl at bar: I know. It's so efficient.

Dinesh: Donations are funny, right? I mean, why would anyone donate to something like Bro and not a homeless shelter or schools or cancer? That's still out there. Any of us could have it. Food for thought. Which a lot of people also don't have. Have a great party, guys. You can donate if you want, but he's throwing away half the world's market. You know what bro means in Mandarin? It means asshole. You know what bro means in Portuguese? Rapist. In Latvian, it roughly translates to one who beheads the messiah. In Finnish, bro means a baby's erection. In Urdu, bro is actually short for brochtover which means a dildo for a man. A man's dildo. Fecal eclipse. Loses something in translation. We don't have a word for it. They do. It's bro. You know what bro means in Navajo? A really joyful person with mental disabilities.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Jared: Hooli was like an abusive spouse to me, you know, like that guy who married Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy. It was dehumanizing. But then you, Richard, you pulled me out of that life, and you gave me hope and a sense of self worth like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Dinesh: This is weird.
Jared: Every day here has been like that shopping spree scene. I'm putting on hats... Richard, I'd understand if you took [Gavin's offer], but watching you end up over there would break my heart.
Richard: Like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding?
Jared: I never saw it.

Richard: I think I recognize you from tv.
Russ: Yeah, you do.

Russ: Let me ask you a question, Richard. Have you ever had beef?
Richard: Like with someone? Like fighting?
Russ: No, the food.
Richard: Oh, yeah.
Russ: No, you haven't. Get in.

Russ: All of the sudden, I'm 22 years young and I'm worth one point two B. Now a couple decades later, I'm worth one point four. You do the math.
Richard: Okay, well, um, that's a gain of $200 million over twenty years. Um, 16.66 repeating. That's less than a 1% return. Inflation is like 1.7. I think CDs are 2% so it's less than a CD.

Richard: You're not worried about the lawsuit?
Russ: Shit, no. I got three nannies suing me right now, one of them for no reason.

Russ: Richard, don't do what you should do. Do what you want. I mean, should I pay 800 bucks for that tiny piece of meat? Of course not. But I do it anyway cause I want it.

[Dinesh googles Russ Hanneman and gets the following suggestions from google]:
Russ Hanneman douchebag
Russ Hanneman sexual harassment lawsuit
Russ Hanneman billionaire
Russ Hanneman misogynist

Monica: [Russ Hanneman] is a joke. He's a boorish, pompous, womanizing douchebag who got lucky like twenty years ago and hasn't done anything since then.
Guilfoyle: Sounds like Erlich.

Russ: Synergy, bitches! Do you know what that means?
Guilfoyle: Does it mean taking a stack of cash and lighting it on fire?

Russ: I found out where Gavin Belsom lives and I placed fifteen of these [billboards] between his house and his office.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Dinesh: That's a $3500 bag.
Gilfoyle: How do you know? You have the same one?
Dinesh: No, I have the fucking internet.

Gilfoyle: Even if she's making more cash than us, which she isn't, there's no way she has as much equity.
Dinesh: You don't know that and Richard won't tell us. It's confidential.
Gilfoyle: I guess there's a reason for it. It's so people don't get jealous and throw a hissyfit.
Dinesh: I'm not jealous. I just want to make sure she's making less than me.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Dinesh: Poor fucker, sleeping out there with the rodents.
Erlich: Hey, I keep a clean garage. There are no rodents out there.
Dinesh: How can you guarantee there are no rodents living there when you didn't even know Jared was living there?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Jared: I have booby trapped the house with corporate resources.

Dinesh: Did you see that? She gave me her hat.
Gilfoyle: Pretend you've seen a woman before.

Ramon: You took a good phone and you made it all, like, shitty.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Focus group leader:  "Who else thinks the phone is stupid?  Alan, Lisa, Josh, Yanna, Katie, Christina.  And did it piss off anyone else?  Alan, Lisa, Josh, Yanna, Katie, Christina."  

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Gavin: I started my day as I always do, by typing my own name into Hooli search.

Engineer: Are you suggesting that we alter the fundamental neutrality of the Hooli search algorithm? That's a clear violation of the public trust. Yelp is threatening to sue Google for this very thing. I can't in good conscience order Hooli search engineers to do that.

Richard: Your sales people are telling me to cut everything cool about the platform just because it's a little bit harder for them to sell, but don't you think because they are such amazing sales people that it would be okay for them to sell the harder stuff?
Jack: No, it doesn't work that way. The way you keep the best sales people is you need to give them something easy to sell. Otherwise they just go somewhere else.

Dinesh: You guys, check it out! Chef Amy hollowed out a watermelon and filled it with watermelon jello!

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Guilfoyle: This is Guilfoyle. Dazzle me.

Guilfoyle: That's MY popcorn.
Erlich: You have seven tubs of it. You could be the mayor of Popcornopolis.
Guilfoyle: Don't get the caramel. You can have the cheese or the plain.
Erlich: You're leaving me with the cheddar?
Guilfoyle: That's right, DICK.

Guilfoyle: Are you wearing a gold chain?
Dinesh: Oh, right. Yeah, I've had it for a while. Just kind of throw it on every now and then.
Guilfoyle: None of that is true. I definitely would have noticed.
Dinesh: I've been working hard. I'm making money for the first time and I was like, buy myself something nice, you know?
Guilfoyle: But instead of that, you bought a chain?
Dinesh: You're just jealous I have a salary, quitter.
Guilfoyle: And you are too legit to quit, MC Hamas.
Dinesh: Fuck off.
Guilfoyle: Later, Chain the Virgin.

Laurie: It is a question mark made of human hair harvested apparently from dead people in India. It's a pun. It signifies that at Reviga, we ask the big hairy questions.

Jian Yang: It's a guy from Men in Black.

Richard: While we are busy building Barker's box, Endframe is beating us to the market with a platform. So basically we are fucking mediocre appliance company.
Dinesh: At least we'll make a little money doing it.
Guilfoyle: Oh, great. So you can go back to the car wash and buy some more chains, Pakistani Mr. T.
Dinesh: Fuck you.
Guilfoyle: Wait, are you not wearing it? You're not. Did you take it off because I was fucking with you?
Dinesh: No. It was itchy on my neck.
Guilfoyle: Bull shit. That was a bad decision. You flinched. Now the pain will never end.
Jared: I'm sorry to say it, but Guilfoyle's right. You're making it worse. Sorry, Django.
Dinesh: Django?
Jared: Unchained!
Dinesh: Great. Now even fucking Jared is busting my balls.
Jared: I am! I'm busting your balls!
Dinesh: You know what? If you're giving me shit for it anyway, I'm just going to wear it.

Erlich: When George Washington founded a little start up we've come to know as these United States of America and he was tired of getting shit from his CEO, the King of England, did he just roll over and take it from behind? No. He called on his ride or die homeboys: Tommy Jefferson, Benny Franklin, Alex Hamilton who was half black so that's Dinesh.
Dinesh: I'm not half black.
Erlich: He said, "Avast ye, fellow badasses. Let's build this country the way we motherfucking want to." And so, Richard, if we want to build the platform all we need to do is...build the platform.
Dinesh: That was underwhelming.
Jared: Uh, perhaps you can go into slightly more detail?

Dinesh: If we fuck anything up and get caught, [Barker] could take our stock and probably have us arrested.
Guilfoyle: Alright, I'm in.
Dinesh: Well, you're insane.
Erlich: No, Dinesh, that chain is insane. And not in the membrane.
Jared: Sorry, Cypress Halal!

Carla: You guys are fucking nuts, but I love it. Here's the deal. I'm going to need the backpay you guys owe me from when I was working for free, not to mention lost wages from my old job. Oh, and damages from when Jared sexually harassed me into being friends with that Monica chick.
Richard: So, all that and you're in?
Carla: In? No. That's just to keep me from telling Barker about your secret project.

Dinesh: Alright, fuck it, I'm in. But on one condition - I'm going to need everyone to solemnly swear that they will no longer make fun of my gold chain. Not a word ever again.
Richard: Guys? I think we can agree to that.
Guilfoyle: This plan better fucking work with a sacrifice like this.

Dinesh: If we do anything differently, Barker's going to be onto us. We have to keep complaining about Barker. We have to keep bitching about the box.
Guilfoyle: We have to keep making fun of your gold chain. We have to. We don't have any other choice, Dinesh.
Jared: He's right.
Erlich: It's a shame, Bel Biv Dinesh, but unfortunately that chain is poison.

Richard: I don't usually drink at 7:30 in the morning.

Guilfoyle: Dinesh, I have a few premium chain insults that I'm going to lay on you when we get in there. Not for myself, obviously, but for the team.
Jared: Yeah, I might just have one too. Sorry in advance.
Dinesh: Yeah, great. Have at it, assholes.
[elevator doors open]
Jared: Hey, Dinesh, nice chain. Do you choke your mother with it when you put your penis in her butthole?
Richard: What the fuck?

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Gavin: Okay, Kristina. How bad is this? Be honest, is this Window's Vista bad?

Kristina and Random Dude:...

Gavin: It's not iPhone 4 bad, is it?

Kristina and Random Dude:...

Gavin: Fuck, don't tell me this is Zune bad.

Kristina: I'm sorry Gavin. It's Apple Maps bad.

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Deng: Before I can actualize a box, you and I need to develop a shared aesthetic vocabulary.

Gavin: Consider the bulldog. A grotesque monstrosity born of relentless inbreeding, riddled with sinusitis, crippled by joint pain, chronically flatulent. A kindly pet or humanity's cruelest mistake?

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Gavin: You know, a hundred years ago men like me could have had people like that killed. Just like that! You think captains of industry like Andrew Carnegie or Cornelius Vanderbilt would have batted an eyelid? Please. Times sure have changed. Or have they? Of course they have. And for the better. Unless...alright, forget it. What are we doing about this article? Can we sue this Cantwell woman for libel?
Lawyer: Gavin, libel laws don't really apply when what's written is true.

Dinesh: How was your date with Winnie?
Richard: Uh, pretty good considering she's still in the other room.
Dinesh: Baller! You got lucky on the first date!
Richard: Yeah, I did a little bit. Not everything. I slept in my jeans.
Jared: Take your time. Hunger is the best sauce.
Richard: You're right. We did a little bit of under the shirt and some light finger banging.

Guilfoyle: Are you a bartender?
Winnie: I work at Facebook.
Guilfoyle: As a bartender?

Jared: I had a stuffed animal named Winnie. I mean, it wasn't technically an animal. I took a ziploc bag and I stuffed it with old newspaper and then I drew a smile on it.

Richard: Shall we have some coffee, milady?
Guilfoyle: We're already onto Elizabethan nicknames. This is serious. They'll be Ren Faire-ing soon.

Erlich: No one's going to jail, CJ. Although if you did, going to jail for protecting your source would make you some sort of first amendment hero. It's pretty much the best thing that can happen to a journalist.
CJ: Journalist? I'm a tech blogger. I write stories for the internet - about the internet. I am not going to jail for that.

Dinesh: Russ was right. This guy fucks.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
I kept referring to Jared as Gabe!
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Richard: You built the videochat. I'll give you that. But you did it using my algorithm.
Dinesh: Right. Like when Picasso painted a masterpiece, the guy who made the brushes and the paint deserved all the credit.

Guilfoyle: I'm quite certain I've never said this before, but I agree with Dinesh.

Russ: Fuck yes, I want to talk business! What's the play? Let's fuck this thing right in the pussy. Thanks for meeting me here. My fucking nanny got another DUI and lost her license and now I'm stuck picking up my own kid like an asshole.

Russ: You don't like it. You don't believe in this product you're selling. You're not behind it, Richard. I can tell. And as much as you want to be, you're not. It's like this. You're trying to date a woman, but deep down in your heart, you know you're gay. Deep in your soul, you know you'd rather be plowing a dude.
Richard: I don't. I don't. What dude?
Russ: It could be any dude as long as you really want to fuck him. It could be a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen, a chub, a pub, a gibster, a daddy chaser, a leather man, a lady boy, a Donald Duck.
[Richard gives him a blank look]
Russ: A Donald Duck's a gay guy who's been kicked out of the navy.
Richard: How do you know so many gay things?
Russ: My grandfather just came out of the closet. Beautiful. Very inspiring.

Richard: I own a telescope.
Russ: Of course you do.

Erlich: Is this the moment that I become the CEO?
Dinesh: You? Why you?
Erlich: It's a simple process of elimination. Guilfoyle, as an anarchist, would never accept a position of authority in any official organization. And you, of course, are out of the picture because Guilfoyle would never allow it.
Dinesh: Yeah, that's true.
Erlich: And Jared - he'd sooner commit harikari than replace little baby Richard. So that leaves me. And honestly, gents, who would you rather have defending your four percent stake in the company?

Richard: I think it should be Dinesh.
Guilfoyle: What?
Erlich: What?
Jared: What?
Dinesh: Whaaaat?
Richard: Sorry, Bighead.
[Bighead looks up from a crossword puzzle]
Bighead: What?
Richard: Yeah, Dinish, you were the one who hacked together the videochat in the first place. You know the product inside and out. You are the horse that I would bet on.
Dinesh: You really think so?
Richard: I do.
Erlich: I'm down. Guilfoyle?
Dinesh: Guilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?
Guilfoyle: Spoken like a true leader. But since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short rein as CEO in exchange for a front row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus if I'm wrong, which I'm not, I get rich.

Jared: I've always been very adept at taking the shape of whatever shoe is pressed down upon me.

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Jared: When you don the skin of the beast, the man within dies. One of the boys at my group home always said that. He died.

Big Head: I'm going to be late for class.
Dinesh: Ooh, how's that going?
Big Head: Okay. I'm just a little nervous I might run out of material soon. We've already watched the Facebook movie, AI, The Net, and half of Tron.
Jared: Which Tron?
Big Head: What? No. Tron.
Dinesh: There's two Trons.
Big Head: Oh, shit! That's awesome. Should get me through another week. Thanks!

Jian Yang: Dick is up.

Jared: [Gavin] and his posse of bandits and cutthroats will turn on you in a second. You need me, the half crazed, half Apache who will do anything to get your back. I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those pale-faced sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives. I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands. I'll talk them into suicide.

Gavin: I'm a little confused on your notes about some of the [potential employees]. "David Burnham - annoying slob, fucked up face, I could write better Python with my asshole."
Richard: You know what? I think you have my list. I have very weird shorthand.

Jared: Guilfoyle is a person of intense pride, so when he refers to a potential employee as "a pig faced fucknose," what I hear is "I need to be needed."
Richard: Well, what I hear is "pig faced fucknose."
Jared: Exactly. Guilfoyle's insults are normally well crafted, almost poetic. Last week he referred to me as Frankenstein's bulimic daughter. I mean, "butt dick"? The man is in pain.

Erlich: A little piece of advice - a Corvette takes a certain type of man to pull off, like a fedora.

Guilfoyle: I'm going to put this as delicately as I know how. You can chortle my balls.

Guilfoyle: Becca Thornton is a cancerous prolapsed anus of a human being, but as a systems engineer she's not all bad.

Monica: I'm here with Jian-Yang and he just told me that you traded ten percent of the company for a used car and a-
Jian Yang: A hut.
Monica: A hut?
Erlich: A palapa.

Jian Yang: Erlich, is your refrigerator running? It's Mike Hunt and he's rich!

Guilfoyle: In other words, you sit around and look at dick pics all day long. Don't let me stop you. Wow, I would say, "Not safe for work," but this is your work for a year - at least. Is that one actually a hot dog?
Dinesh: Nope. Not hotdog.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Erlich: Fourteen thousand dollars for a smart fridge? Unlike you, I now work for a living. I'm not going to drop that kind of dough on a fridge.
Jian Yang: I ordered it already. I buy it for myself.
Erlich: Then why are you talking to me about it?
Jian Yang: To make you feel bad because you are fat and poor.

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