S02.E15: Forgive

[Tara Ariano]

The second season ends with Ryan and Joe being forced to work together, despite their negative feelings toward each other, in order to save the woman they both love.

[jelley]

Heaven help us.

[ZoloftBlob]

Prediction, based on utterly no spoilers.

 

Clair is kidnapped by the twins and the final moments, we get the reveal that the twins are or had a creepy dinner with her where she is of course dead. Joe and Ryan and possibly Mike discover this and next season? We find out that Ryan and Joe are now a team hunting the twins for revenge and Mike and Max are tracking them.

 

OR same scenario except that Ryan lets Joe out of custody so that Joe can get revenge, noting he can always kill him later.

[Johnny Dollar]

OK. We'll that was stupid. Tell me again why Mike or Max couldn't go after an injured Mark as he's carrying his presumably, but probably not, dead twin?

For the life of me, I can't figure out who picked up the twins at the end. It would have to be an existing character, otherwise, what's the point? Oh fuck it. I don't give a shit anyway.

[ramble]

For the life of me, I can't figure out who picked up the twins at the end. It would have to be an existing character, otherwise, what's the point? Oh fuck it. I don't give a shit anyway.

This, this, a million times this. I realized as I watched this that I just don't care at all. Kill then all, set them all free, move them to an island & start a new civilization. I don't care. This has gone on for so long & no one is that likable anymore. Joe has never done it for me as a psychopath. I've been close to one & Joe pales in comparison. Ryan is ok to me only because he's under the Kevin Bacon grace law. I kind of like Mike but I think much of that is transferred care from his brother on Warehouse 13. Sigh. Stupid show. Why do I watch?

[ByTor]

Wow, how awful. The only thing I was entertained by was the laugh out loud moments of Joe getting backhanded a couple times by the twins.  I'm not even going to try to guess who that was at the end.  I'm guessing the writers don't know yet either.

[JLVerde]

This show is SO BAD it broke FOX last night.  It wasn't my t.v. or the reception.  It was crystal clear right up until the end and BLACK SCREEN and funky noise.  I think that was the best part of the episode (and everyone in my house who was watching all said at the same time "see, even the t.v. knows this is a shitty show").

 

Thankfully the writing on the show is so weak I was able to piece together the oh so well constructed plot *eyeroll* to figure out what I may have missed (which was a whole lot of nothing).

 

Here are my take-aways from last night's episode (in no order):

 

1.  DON'T LITTER.  I was totally offended that Joe and Ryan just tossed the invitations onto the ground.  Ok, I wasn't expecting them to keep them for their scrapbooks (or to pin to the walls of their secret investigation rooms *looks at Ryan*) but to just casually fling them to the ground?  Yeah, that was more shocking to me than any throat slitting or cat strangling.  SHAMEFUL!

 

2.  Why, oh why, do the bad guys always follow proper dinner protocol and set the table with a KNIFE?  Didn't we see this mis-step back in season 1 when Joe tied folks up at their dinner table and didn't remember to take away all the sharp and pointies?  Then he took a knife to the gut for his stupidity (as rightly he should).  So the Blunder Twins set the table with a knife and low and behold wiley Joe gets hold of one.  Wait, why am I not shocked by that?  Oh, that's right.  All my shock was used up over the littering.

 

3.  Please let the Mystery Driver be Emma.  I really doubt it is her, given that we were treated to the extra long look at her body, a kind of In Memorium moment.  But I really want it to be her.  I just can't handle having a new face added to the mix.  This season alone we burned through Joe's wanna be daughter (I forgot her name), TWO cult leaders (and a wife), an FBI lesbi-mole (and her spouse), and Creepy Mama and the Blunder Twins.  That's just to name the folks who made it more than one episode.  I'm done learning new faces.  DONE.

 

But the one HUGE takeaway from the entire episode was this:

 

If Joe and Ryan had just fucked when they first met, none of this would have ever happened.  Yeah, think about it.  You know I'm right.

[kfree9]

I don't think the driver was Emma because I'm pretty sure Mark was petting her dead, covered body on the couch when Luke was talking to Ryan on the phone.

 

Joe and Ryan--pure comedy together. It's a bummer they only got to work together like that in one episode.  I loved Joe picking up the drink in the house and Ryan shaking his head at him.

 

I didn't understand the follower wrecking Joe and Ryan's car, only for Joe to just kill him and take off with Ryan anyway.  Was it just to have a cool car flipping scene?

 

I think the Claire and Ryan goodbye part was just so that when they end the show, those two can have a "walking off into the sunset" moment.  I was actually hoping for Joe to kill Claire when he was yelling in her face for forgiveness. I may have been saying, "Slice her throat, Joe!" at my TV.  

[Sarah D. Bunting]

Poe Head's and my theory on who's driving, plus other finale thoughts! (and a great graphic by David T. Cole)

[mertensia]

Was the driver maybe Max's seen him once pastry chef boyfriend?

[ByTor]

Was the driver maybe Max's seen him once pastry chef boyfriend?

I said this at work this morning!

[Portia]

Watched it on the DVR tonight, only to find that the sound had been interrupted at regular intervals with lengthy tornado announcements. But we quickly figured out that it's quite easy to follow The Following without dialogue...and that much fun can be had by supplying your own. JLVerde, you may be happy to know that some of our scenes did involve Joe and Ryan talking about taking their relationship to the next level.

My absolute favorite moment was in the church, when Joe was weirdly taunting Mike. I think he called Mike a "mini Ryan," and Mike just gave this half-smiling, exasperated little shake of his head as if to say, "You scamp, what am I going to do with you."

[Snookums]

Oh, my, dear, God, you all.

This was--something. It was a giant smoothie of Just Fucking Everything Blah, with everybody getting a big set piece.

Okay! Let's get started!

Well, remember how last episode ended with a gunshot? Were you all worried it was Mike? Yeah, me neither. Unfortunately, it was Preston, Son of an Erstwhile Preacher Man. That poor bastard got as raw a deal as little Mandy. I hope there's like a tiki bar up in heaven where everybody who got screwed over by this show's plot crazies get to meet for Mai Tais and mozzarella sticks.

Mike yells NO! NO! And Joe prattles smugly about how he couldn't take the whining and Mike bellows for RYAN TO JUST FUCKING KILL JOE ALREADY and Joe steps right on Mike's line with an invitation to Ryan to do just that, and he knows Claire's alive and out at the inn blah blah blah. This is news to Ryan. Not Claire acting like an idiot, I hope, he really should be used to that by now, but the whole inn business. Ryan takes time out from his busy schedule to duck behind a pillar and call Claire's cell.

Which is answered by Luke! Gah, if there is anybody who can make Joe's crap streams seem palatable it's this weasely little fuckstick. Tense little convo about how Ryan needs to use his superpowers to bring Joe up to the inn alive or he's gonna wear Claire's face for Halloween. Even tied up blood soaked Claire is all, that was weak, dude. Even pouty Mark takes time out from grieving over Emma's corpse (She totally dumped your ass, dude. Write some bad poetry in your LiveJournal and move on already) to give a bit of eyeroll.

Idiot negotiations continue as Joe seethes over the inability of his grunts to find Ryan and Tilda's hero worship dials down a notch or three as she says they're looking, just shoot Mike already! Mike's all yeah, c'mon ya big baby as Ryan asks if Joe really has to be alive? How about mostly dead? Luke, new to the world of Ryan Hardy's Super Not Listening To Clearly Stated Instructions, hisses in frustration and is all YES, ALIVE. DON'T KILL HIM. Ryan snarls FINE, ruin my fun and hangs up to try to form a plan. Joe bellows in rage that somebody better find Ryan Bloody Hardy or he's going to start reciting the poetry he wrote in seventh grade.

Omnipresent Cop is watching the live feed and suddenly decides they've gotta get in there now. So, not before Preston was sent to that Big Frat Party In The Sky? He bellows orders around the mobile command center and the SWAT team leader says they're trying to get in the back of the church. Hey, guys, if you look up you should see multiple open windows.

Ryan heads to the back storage area of the church and takes down a follower in one second. Oh, okay, rare competent streak Ryan coming up! He then disarms all the wired bombs from the back door. IN NO TIME. So, show, what you are telling me is there is absolutely NO REASON Ryan and Mike couldn't have disarmed the bombs at the window, notified SWAT and told them where to enter and saved Kingston, Tanner, and the hostages???? Wonderful. Marvelous. Outstanding! Ryan, you are right up there with Captain America!

Ryan then calls Max, who's all Ryan, where are you? He's in the damn church, you doofus! You know this! He asks her to pull up the church plans and that he's getting a pathway open for SWAT but she's got to do exactly what he says. Okay, sure, says Max, I'm already going to prison for life, here come the plans!

Joe is taunting Mike and calling him Mini Ryan. Mike looks like somebody who's just been told something truly unpleasant. Like what's in hot dogs unpleasant.

Max gets all bossyboots in the command center and tells Omnipresent Cop that Ryan's got the entrances unwired and they need to kill the lights on his signal. Okay, sure, says OC. Why the hell not, at this point?

Ryan's trying to steal some warmth from one of his beloved staircases but has to duck when a follower comes in view and then out again. He starts up but gets a text from Luke showing tied up Claire (in broad daylight, apparently, from the lighting.) God. You know, Luke is just the kind of turd who sends annoying text after annoying text when he knows you are busy.

SWAT teams move in as as a voice over the walkie talkies say lethal force is approved. Ya don't say. I thought they sent SWAT teams in after psychotic murderous cults armed only with kittens and rainbows! The More You Know!

Joe roars that alright, he's bored of this! and the entire universe is in complete agreement. He bellows that Ryan better get his bowlegged butt out here or he's really really going to kill Mike for REALLY REAL THIS TIME! Not like the last three times I threatened it! Luckily Ryan's got all his SWAT ducks in a row and steps out, hands in the air. Everybody in the place is all I thought you'd be taller. Thanks for coming out guy, it wasn't like this band of nutjobs was threatening to shoot us one by one and we just witnessed two horrible murders or anything!

Part Two Coming Up!

Part Two! Plans Ahoy!

Omnipresent Cop is giving many orders as Max slips out a door. They really should assign somebody to keep an eye on her.

Ryan, strolling up the aisle, says "Show's over" and knocks the camera from Tilda's hands. It breaks like a figurine--who made that thing, The Glass Menagerie Electronics Company? Over in the command unit OC freaks out that he can't see what's happening and another extra earns her SAG card saying she'll pull up the security feeds and try to boost the audio.

Tilda takes real offence to Ryan breaking her stuff and actually lunges at him. Ryan takes a moment to savor punching her in the head and down she goes. The other followers react but Joe says it's okay, she's fine. Tilda doesn't look like she agrees and rolls her eyes as she moves back.

Joe tries to get Joe-esque about how Ryan shouldna done that! but Ryan cuts it short, telling Joe (and Mike, who is of course right there) that the twins have Claire and they're gonna kill her if Ryan doesn't take Joe to them. The faces of all three actors look like they probably did when they first read these sides, and Joe says Ryan's lying. Ryan shows him the picture of Claire at high noon, then says they've got ten seconds before the cops take the place, he can get him out of here but Joe's got to drop the gun.

OC is wigging about not being able to hear. The extra tries to boost the signal but it's no sauce. How does this church afford this deluxe security setup when they never lock anything???? Their board of directors sucks balls. Hairy goat balls.

Blah blah blah scene as Joe and Ryan reiterate what we just freaking heard five seconds ago, and Joe drops the gun. OC sees it, says that's the signal (wait, it was?) and they cut the power. Everybody immediately starts screaming and freaking out as SWAT moves in and with commendable dispatch, starts taking out followers while not shooting hostages. Ryan Hardy clearly never took this training.

Ryan, Mike and Joe head through on through the church and through a restaurant's kitchen or storage space or whatever towards a back exit that Ryan and nobody else found on the plans of the block that several thousand law enforcement personnel have been poring over for hours. Joe asks if he shouldn't have a disguise or something. Sure thing, says Ryan, and promptly clocks him in the nose. Okay, I laughed. Ryan tosses him a towel.

SWAT members still killing all the correct people.

Ryan, Mike and JoeTowelFace come through the rear door of the restaurant (that is surrounded by cops! So they knew that door was there! And SWAT DIDN'T USE IT BECAUSE WHY???) and Mike announces that this man is wounded and to clear a path! He sounds like a camp counselor who lives for when somebody gets poison ivy or a bad cut playing dodgeball. Ryan yells there's an entrance through the restaurant to the back of the church and everybody charges on in. I hope they wait until the lights come back on to announce themselves or the SWAT civilian casualties are going to take a Hardyesque swing upwards. Max runs right up and slips him a burner phone with directions and a number to her burner phone. She and Mike will follow. Because it's gonna be a piece of cake to get through yet another dragnet. Sadly, it really will be.

Ryan loads "wounded" JoeTowelFace into a cop car and not an ambulance as nobody pays the slightest attention, asking for Max's cuffs as Joe makes eye contact with one last wormy little follower. Who's just a civilian seeming guy hanging around a hostage situation involving a cult leader and nobody questions him or asks what the hell he's doing there. Wormy Follower seems to get whatever message Joe sent, though, and takes off.

Hostages are secure! The lights come on and I'm pretty sure only followers got taken out! (Except this one guy draped over a chair but I'm going with him being a follower who got tired of the back and forth and sat down.) Wow, Ryan must be impressed! Hey, where is Ryan? and Mike, and Joe????

OC flips out and does not ask where the hell Ryan's niece is.

Time out for a hug! Love love. Mike says he and Max will follow as soon as they can get away without being spotted. So ten seconds behind, then. Joe leers his big stupid totally uncovered face out the cop car window at roughly nine trillion police officers as Ryan pulls out.

Nighttime driving. Long discussion scene involving Joe's favorite station, KJOE 4EVA, as he nitters on about how much he hated prison and he doesn't think he's got another escape in him but he wanted his name to live on and he hopes Ryan and Claire can be happy together, oh, yeah, he's cool with it now since he and Ryan are a matched set and Ryan wonders what heavy metal stations he can pick up out here to drown this shit out.

Max and Mike head out. Max asks if he's up for this. Sure, says Mike. 'Cause you almost died, says Max, with more of that crack timing on when to bring up horrendously sensitive subjects to a barely functioning adrenaline soaked man. Mike gives the most epic eyeroll of the show to date and is all YES THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN I. AM. FINE. He starts the car and they pull out. Bye, you crazy kids!

Part three, next up!

Part Three! Dinner for Breakfast! Blech.

Twins and Claire pull up in front of a gigantic, all white mansion. I mean all white, inside and out. It's like the decorating was done by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man when he was done tromping on New York. Claire asks who lives there. Not the most relevant question, but Luke answers anyway, saying it's a private playground Lily bought for him and Mark years ago. It's surrounded by 300 acres and is hidden by so many shell corporations that there's no way anybody's going to figure out who owns it. Okay, who the hell is Lily's lawyer? Because I want him on retainer in case I ever need to hide my assets from the entire planet.

Luke's back to his bouncy self, saying that Claire should rest up. Claire asks in the weirdest tone of voice what she's resting up for--she really sounds like she wasn't paying attention at all, it's hilarious-- and Luke's all family dinner! I'm gonna put the heat on (why? It's going to take like a week to get that barn warm) and tells Mark to watch Claire. Mark looks like he'd rather be doing just about anything else.

Back to the Auto of Reluctant Alliances. Joe is asking how this is going to work, is Ryan just gonna hand him over to the twins or what? Ryan says pretty much and Joe starts in on one of his I hope you'll be happy spiels that are growing ever more enervating to listen to, but before Ryan can put his foot down on the pedal to get to the twins in fifteen minutes and never have to hear this crap ever again, HEADLIGHTS!

CRUNCH goes the bumper and the car that just came up behind them runs Joe and Ryan off the road! Rollin rollin rollin and the car stops upside down and luckily does not burst into flames or go off an embankment or anything. Wormy Follower steps from his vehicle, pulls Joe out of the car and says sorry it took so long but he had to wait until they got off the main roads. Joe is really quite the pissy little bitch princess about how ouchie he is and not nearly bloody killing him next time. Ah, there's the charisma that led so many to Joe's Christlike sway!

Surprisingly, Wormy does not dump Joe on his ass right then and there but unlocks his cuffs and hands Joe his gun. That was a mistake, as Joe demonstrates by shooting him in the chest. Joe turns his attention to dragging unconscious Ryan from the car and lugging him to the van, muttering "C'mon, big fella." I laughed unabashedly at that line, Purefoy gave such a good read. Ryan snaps to from his latest major head injury and they head towards Wormy's van. So, all this was to get Joe a better ride?

Commercial break. Nice to see Emma beaming in from Hell to ask everybody to follow The Following on Twitter. How meta.

Daybreak. Max and Mike driving as Max tries to find the estate that's not on the map and wonders why Ryan isn't answering his phone! It's a long shot but I'm guessing he's kinda busy and doesn't have time to talk about his feelings right now, Max. Mike agrees with me and says calm down, Ryan's gonna be all right. Max looks forlornly out the car window in a pose that will look really good on the cover of the album of New Country songs she can pass the time recording in prison for helping a mass murderer escape.

Joe and Ryan pull up to Whipped Cream Mansion and hop out. I guess all this was just to get Joe a better ride since Ryan's completely free and has his gun and everything. I guess Joe just really wanted heated seat covers. Joe says the place is a little ostentatious as they walk up to the door and find notes addressed to themselves. They're cordially invited to dinner! (Dinner? It's like seven a.m. at the latest. I love having breakfast for dinner, but not dinner for breakfast. Just another way Lily really screwed those twins up.)

Pissing match as Ryan draws his gun and demands Joe hand over his own piece, and Joe's all come ON, Ryan, we've been over this and I'm not going in there unarmed. They adorably flex their matching car accident bruises at each other for a minute (they are darling, like a little mouse came in and painted them with identical cheekbone-enhancing rouge) before Ryan decides fine, whatever, and they head in, Joe courteously sending Ryan in first. He's so thoughtful.

Wandering through white room after white room, with Ryan briefly getting a charge when they go up staircases, until a sound system starts playing an oldies tune and leads them to a giant room full of pictures and notes and all the detritus that comes with a really top notch Revenge Room. They even have a whole bunch of Joe Masks. (Remember those?) Ryan looks jealous. Don't worry, Ryan, your string art leaves the twins in the dust.

Ryan shuts off the music and Luke's voice comes up on a PA system. It's even more annoying then listening to him in person, if that's possible. He tells them to relax and have a drink and Joe hilariously doesn't skip a beat reaching for a full glass that's set out. Ryan has to tell him to put it back and Joe makes a lemon sucking face as he does. I don't blame him, if I had to listen to Luke driveling on I'd be skipping the glass and guzzling out of the decanter.

Screams! Oh no! Joe and Ryan speed out and through Whipped Cream mansion, following the heart rending cries of Presumable Claire to a basement room with a heavy metal door. (How did they hear her screaming so loudly through that and up two flights? It wasn't on the PA.) Joe reaches for the latch but Ryan says wait, could be a trap! Yeah, odds are pretty damn good there. Joe mutters that he really cannot wait to kill these two and they both run in to find wailing Claire, perched on a stool with a noose around her neck and a bag over her head. Claire, your plan went swimmingly!

Joe and Ryan get her down and Claire sobs with relief to see Ryan, flipping one second later to screams of terror and fury when she turns and sees Joe. But before they can get any further, hey, ho, remember about that being a trap? Ryan, your instincts have not failed you. In pops a gas canister and the three turn to see Luke in a gas mask (nice to see him getting more use out of that thing since the hospital. Reduce, recycle, reuse, righto!) nodding cheerfully at them as they all go down.

Part Four, Truth or Bullets coming up!

Part Four! Twin game, Twin rules.

Our intrepid duo comes to, coughing and hacking, taped to chairs around a formal dinner table, full plates in front of them. Now, how are they supposed to eat taped to chairs? It's Lily and the Mandy Cake all over again!

Ryan looks around frantically for Claire, but no worries, in comes Luke and Claire, whom he plops into a chair as he says she looks cute when she's sleepy but they both know that! He burbles on, licking a spot of blood from his finger that he wipes from Claire's blouse as all three of them realize that a really long drawn out Bullshit Train is pulling out of Twins Station.

Joe asks after Emma, and Luke seems genuinely surprised that Ryan didn't mention the whole Jason Kill routine to him. I guess they spent the drive arguing over radio stations and Ryan never got around to it. Luke giggles that Emma's dead and she ain't comin' back. Joe gets a bit huffy over this and demands to know what the twins did, but they both are Nope, ask your ex over there. Joe looks genuinely incredulous that Claire could possibly have pulled that off, but Emma's Memory Service time is up as Ryan demands they let Claire go, they have him and Joe.

Nope, time for a gigantic serving of Smarm Bullshit Casserole instead! This goes on for a while (a long while. A long, long while) but the gist of it is that the twins are going to ask questions and if they don't believe in the truth of the answers they're going to play Russian Roulette with Claire's face. The short version involves forcing Ryan to drink vodka (well, they basically just pour it over his head, which is sucky but probably a good antiseptic for those scrapes). Even Joe finds this gauche.

Ryan and Max pull up to the outskirts of Whipped Cream Mansion and talk about how they have to hike in to avoid surveillance. Okey dokey.

Back to Dinner Breakfast. Time for Joe's serving of crap, which really is hilarious as Luke informs Joe of his multiple epic fails (I love it when the show channels its audience!) and both he and Mark just snaffle him left and right. The best part is that Joe, even faced with such a desperate situation, cannot, cannot keep his big yap shut and just pours out the horseshit honey all over the place, even as the twins point the gun at Claire's head and demand apologies for their dead mommy's hurt fee-fees. His apology, when Ryan yells him into making it, is so lifted from the first draft of his book.

Mark finds it insincere and says they sentence Joe to slow death, cutting off little pieces. Should take about eighteen months and Mark wants to take his tongue first (YES! YES, DO THAT!) but Luke wants to hear him beg. Joe is having as close as he can get to a personal revelation as to what the hell listening to him has been like for all these years. Somewhere in her hell pit, Emma is smirking.

Max and Mike move through the trees.

Back to Ryan. The twins are put out about him shooting her (which was the official story, although I have no idea how the twins heard it.) Ryan's all yep, sure did, loved it, let Claire go and let's get on with this, what say? But the twins turn the Whiny up to eleven, saying Ryan's supposed to be the good guy, he had no right, on and on. Joe, being Joe, can't help himself from jumping in here and saying Ryan's killed far more people then he has. Nah, don't think so. Counting everything Joe's done up 'til now, including all the murders that got him put in prison in the first place, he's still ahead on points. I think they're pretty equal in the Walk Away From Horrific Injuries That Should Incapacitate Or Kill category, though.

Tons of Twin exposition and yapping. Joe brings up Max's ruined career before subsiding into smugness just to twist the knife, and speaking of, manages to slide a sharp steak knife up his sleeve before saying hey, you two have a lot in common with Ryan, what with avenging a murdered parent, wanna hear about it?

They sure do. Here comes Kevin Bacon's big scene, and he plays the hell out of it. This whole thing is so over the top by now that only a big operatic aria of a breakdown is appropriate, and he brings it and then some. They touch all the points: Redemption, Forgiveness, God and Lack of, Forgive Yourself, and it crescendos into Ryan bellowing his failure until Claire quiets hims with a soft "Ryan." Both the twins seem impressed and say that was so neat, we're gonna let you live! But we still gotta punish you so we're gonna off Max and Mike, and Claire!

Well, the best laid plans gang afta gley, and on this show, they gang in a hail of bullets that come from Mike and Max who managed to walk up at the right time to the right window! BAM BAM BAM! and Luke takes one in the arm! Joe cuts himself free and runs out as Luke grabs Claire and runs out the other door. Mike chases after Mark as Max leaps in, cuts Ryan free and hands him a gun, saying they can't get far! Max is really quite efficient. They should put her in charge of the prison laundry or canteen or something, she will up the production like a hundred and fifty percent.

Next up, part FIVE OMG. Blood on white walls!

Part five! Who Cleans This Place, Anyway?

Luke hauls Claire about until she gets fed up and just fucking whales on him! She literally takes him down with both hands tied behind her back! Go Claire! That's the girl that stabbed Joe and bonked him on the head with a wine bottle and basically every non headcrushingly dumb move that she's made in the course of the series! Claire runs up a friendly staircase and away as we cut to Mike!

Mike's chasing Mark through rooms that look like remodeling work is being done here (By who? Who? Who caretakes and scrubs the blood off and repaints everything, who?), when his peripheral vision cuts out and Mark gets the drop on him. BAM! WHAP! It's like a Batman series fight as they slam each other, but Mike gets the drop on Mark Pissypants Whinebaby pretty quickly and has him spread eagle on the floor in a minute or two.

Max is running around.

Time for Mike's big scene, as he tells Mark that he killed his dad, but hey, score's even since I did some more target practice on your mom's chest! Mark gets, in defiance of all laws of absolutes, even more whiny about this news but is cut short from imploding the universe as we know it by Luke, who takes advantage of the fact that Mike is apparently an owl and has to turn his whole head to see anywhere but straight ahead and wallops him with a two by four. Mark wails to Luke that Mike's the one that shot their mommy, boo hoo. Luke gets pretty huffy puffy at this and raises the board to finish Mike off when KABLAM! it's hit by a bullet! Luke gives a terrific double take to the board before Max puts four more bullets in him. The one in the head finally does the trick and down he goes.

Mark grabs Mike's gun and returns fire, and there's a hellaciously confusing and frankly impossible bit where he grabs Luke's easily 150 lb body and drags it off and away, out of sight, in the one nanosecond it takes for Max to pound into the room. This includes him taking an incredulous (and whiny) moment to try to tuck Luke's brains back into his head, too.

Max cries over Mike to wake up and he does, probably to avoid another chat about feelings.

Claire, on the second floor for some reason, is grabbed by Joe at the head of the main staircase! Save her, staircase! All staircases are on the side of good! I guess the staircase is playing a long game, though, so Claire has, in penance for her endless Plans Of Action That Make No Sense, to endure Joe up close and personal one more time. He apologizes, begs for her forgiveness, on and on as Claire tries for the last time to establish with him that it's over. Really and truly, she doesn't want to go to Homecoming with him. 

Just when nobody can take another second, Ryan comes up, grabs Joe and hurls him onto the landing of the staircase! Yes, Ryan, yes! You draw your power from the staircase! Joe tumbles like a twelve sided die as Max and Mike pop in from nowhere (fuck chasing the killer carrying a 150 pound weight, I guess) and they all point their guns at Joe.

Moment of truth! Joe pleads with Ryan to kill him, pressing his head against the gun muzzle as Mike's openly DOOOO EEET and Ryan looks tortured. Long story short, he doesn't. Raise your hand if you are shocked. If you are, I hate to tell you this, but there is no Santa Claus. Ryan tells Mike to cuff Joe and sags to the staircase's warm embrace.

Godzilla commercial. So seeing that.

Wrapup! Omnipresent Cop and his entourage are at Whipped Cream Mansion as our protagonists stagger out into the light. For some reason he doesn't arrest our heroes for aiding and abetting an escaping criminal.

Lots of Last Time Eye Sex between Joe and Ryan as Joe's chained up and led down the staircase. You did good, staircase, you did good.

Ryan heads out to find Claire and propose marriage. Maybe start with a meal, Ryan? You all never did get any dinner breakfast. Claire has her big scene here where she tells Ryan they aren't going to be together because she's his past and they need to forge ahead and blargle argle snargle. Natalie Zea does her best with this insanely illogical speech that goes against everything Claire has put herself into (insane and easily avoidable) danger pursuing, and she manages to pull it off as much as can be. Even her hair is cooperating for once. They hug and she walks away and Ryan wishes he had his gun so he could stand there and not shoot out the tires of the car she gets into.

Max and Mike finally start kissing. Mmm. Mike looks like a really, really good kisser. Go Max and MIke! Build up those happy memories to keep you warm in your prison bunks!

Ryan tells Joe to not send him any postcards and leaves.

Series of weirdly drawn out scenes where things play like something's going to happen but nothing does. Ryan comes back to his apartment with a bag of takeout (Oh, my God, do you think he went to the same restaurant as a year ago? Those bags are tied in a familiar and elaborate fashion.)

Ryan goes to bed and has a nightmare about the twins? Which doesn't make a ton of sense since he had nothing to do with their death/escape at all. Maybe he should call Carrie? She's probably pretty busy with the giant story breaking and all but hell, she can make some room in her schedule, right?

Last scene. Mark is easily carrying his deadweight dead brother through the woods to a deserted road where a white car, having slipped yet another dragnet, sits waiting. He loads dead Luke (who, not to be uncharitable, cannot smell too good right now, what with the whole bowels emptying at death thing) into the back, and getting in beside him, thanks the unknown driver for coming out. "I didn't know who else to call", says Mark, as they glide silently away and into season three.

Well, that's it, everybody. My last of these ungainly beasts, and again, thanks for reading. Please don't desert me next year when everybody comes roaring back, hopped up on vengeance and stupidity! It's truly not the same without you.

[Johnny Dollar]

I find it hard to believe that Claire was driving the truck, even considering the stupid plot twists that this show has thrown at us. Girl Reporter makes the most sense, if it's a character that we've seen before. But what if the Blunder Twins were actually Troubled Triplets? They could even make it a female, and have Sam Underwood play her in drag. It will be a tour de force not seen since Flip Wilson (look it up youngsters). The show would finally get its long deserved Emmy.

If you're looking for another dopey show to hate watch, may I suggest Under The Dome? Not as fun as The Following, since the acting is godawful and it takes itself way too seriously. But if inane dialogue and idiotic plots are your cup of tea, then this show is for you.

[Portia]

But what if the Blunder Twins were actually Troubled Triplets? They could even make it a female, and have Sam Underwood play her in drag. It will be a tour de force not seen since Flip Wilson (look it up youngsters). The show would finally get its long deserved Emmy.

This? Would be all kinds of awesome.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Portia

[JLVerde]

 

But what if the Blunder Twins were actually Troubled Triplets? They could even make it a female, and have Sam Underwood play her in drag. It will be a tour de force not seen since Flip Wilson (look it up youngsters). The show would finally get its long deserved Emmy.

 

 

I second the nomination for this.

 

Claire's old wig could make a fabulous comeback on GirlTriplet!  Or they could just cycle through the Many Wigs of Emma.

 

Who's pussy do I have to choke to make this happen?

[ramble]

But what if the Blunder Twins were actually Troubled Triplets? They could even make it a female, and have Sam Underwood play her in drag. It will be a tour de force not seen since Flip Wilson (look it up youngsters). The show would finally get its long deserved Emmy.

Oh my goodness please let this happen! If I were a man I'd give my left nut for this, but I'm a woman so I can't. How about a Fallopian tube? Heck, take 'em both!

[Desperately Random]

If you're looking for another dopey show to hate watch, may I suggest Under The Dome? Not as fun as The Following, since the acting is godawful and it takes itself way too seriously. But if inane dialogue and idiotic plots are your cup of tea, then this show is for you.

 

I must be a glutton because I also watch Under The Dome. It is similar to The Following because it also has an actor that deserves better (Dean Norris), nice eye candy (Mike Vogel)  and both have an annoying, useless character played by Natalie Zea but for some reason I don't enjoy the awful writing and plots as much as I do on The Following. It might be because since I loved the book, I had really high hopes for UTD that lasted for several episodes before dismay and disappointment really set in, After the second or third episode of The Following, I knew the crapfest I was in for and laughingly embraced it. Still going to be there for the second season of UTD though because at this point, I am hoping it does become more like The Following. These writers have manged to write awful plots and stupid characters that are truly entertaining. That's talent. The writers on UTD need to watch TF and see how it's done.

 

Also, wanted to add that I loved your posts Snookums. Any chance you watch UTD?

Edited May 1, 2014 by Desperately Random

[Snookums]

I can only take so much at a time! But now that The Followings off drinking straight from the cask for the season, so to speak, I do need some trash in my life. I'll have to read up on recaps so I know what's going on, though!

[Desperately Random]

The first season was only 13 episodes so you'll be able to catch up since Season 2 doesn't start until June 30th. Trust me Snookums, recaps will not fully capture the stupidity of UTD. It must be watched to appreciate the absurdity of the plots and the idiocy of these characters. This show was made for face palming and WTF moments.

What's really sad is the book had such a great premise and really interesting and layered characters and the writers took all that potential and replaced it with plot points and cliche characters, most of whom are too stupid to live.

If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it. I have found Stephen King to be hit or miss but UTD was one of his best books. IMO anyway..

[Johnny Dollar]

"Under the Dome" - all of the stupidity of "The Following" but none of the fun.

Snookums - as a fan of your recaps, I beg you to watch UTD. All you need to know about the show is that everyone is dumb, the female cop makes law enforcement from The Following seem like Seal Team Six, and Dean Norris chews more scenery than a Bette Davis v Joan Crawford smack down. You really just have to watch the first episode and the last episode to know what's going on. The writers here suffer from the same odd strain of amnesia that struck the writers of The Following, so the stuff that happened in the middle isn't important.

[JLVerde]

re:  Under the Dome minor derail

 

Under the Dome is definitely WORSE than The Following.  I don't actively root for the entire cast of The Following to be killed in one fell swoop like I do with Under the Dome.

 

Here's how I know for certain a show is truly awful.  My father mocks it.  That man will watch pretty much anything and rarely says a bad word about it ("it's not so good" is about as critical as he gets) but he actually snarks Under the Dome.  

[BigBlueMastiff]

I wish the triplet was Mike.

[marcee]

Revolution sounds like UTD - great premise, obscenely laughable execution. Fun to watch and point to and laugh at. Everyone switch over to that so we can snark together. Go!

Edited May 2, 2014 by marcee

[Johnny Dollar]

We'll marcee, I used to watch UTD, The Following and Revolution. My tenuous grip on sanity required me to drop one, and Revolution drew the short straw.

[Etta Place]

I finally watched the finale last night, and you've all reminded me that I watched 2 episodes of Revolution and stopped because it was just too stupid. So why have I watched 2 seasons of The Following, exactly?!