Body Shaming and Name Calling: Do words really damage?

[winsomeone]

I would never mention a person's weight to them. But, can being called fat be more harmful to a person than weighing 400 pounds? 

[TurtlePower]

2 minutes ago, winsomeone said:

I would never mention a person's weight to them. But, can being called fat be more harmful to a person than weighing 400 pounds? 

 Depends on the person. I was friends with someone when I was anorexic and very skinny so she only knew me as super skinny. We didn't see each other for a long time and I had recovered to a normal weight. When we met up again first thing she said to me is "wow you filled out". While I wasn't fat, my brain warped that comment  and I relapsed into ana again.

I hate being recovered and the comments that come along with it.

[fountain]

I think some of the "trophies for participating" is a backlash against the historical everything is a competition environment that I was raised in.  It is pretty demoralizing to always be competing, unless of course you are always winning. Most people are pretty average and during my years growing up average was bad.

If I could go back and tell my young self something it would be to only complete with myself.  I know so many people who are so unhappy because they are always in a competition for something with someone.

I know it is late to the game for the original post but I will say that understanding how you are perceived and managing/improving  perception requires you to step into the recipient's position and really view your behaviour.  It is a part of emotional intelligence and there is a lot written about it now and a lot of courses, so there are resources.  Once you get past the sting of being told you need improvement I hope you can take your boss to heart and seek out some resources.

[Tosia]

5 hours ago, winsomeone said:

I would never mention a person's weight to them. But, can being called fat be more harmful to a person than weighing 400 pounds? 

Does it help, though?   

Life is hard enough as it is.  Being mean , or stating the obvious, is not helpful,  or kind. 

[ClareWalks]

Yeah, there's not much point in calling a fat person "fat." It's not clever, let alone helpful or kind. Fortunately most adults are mature enough to suppress the impulse to just go up to someone and declare unflattering things about them. That's the sort of thing a preschooler might blurt out.

[momofsquid]

I was a very tiny kid and continued to be somewhat tiny as a young adult. Oh, those were the days, my friends! I am not so tiny now in my mid-fifties. Anyway, when I was in college I was on the bus heading home after an exam and the woman sitting next to me started chattering away as if she knew me. I didn't recognize her at first but it turned out she was my third grade teacher! She had just written the same introductory psych exam I had and somehow managed to recognize me when she got on the bus. What I remember best about that meeting was her telling me, "You've gotten a little bit fat! But that's okay." At the time I weighed less than 100 pounds and was regularly told that I was too skinny so this was the first time in my life I'd been called fat. I was dumbstruck and I still feel uncomfortable about it today. Not sure what my point is in telling this story; just an example of how words can hit and stay with you, I guess.

[notyrmomma]

I don't think it's cool or appropriate to ever walk up to someone who appears to be X (obese, etc.) and say, oh boy, are you ever X and you should do Y.  However, if you have a reality show about your X-ness and/or have a blog that is centered around your X-ness, don't cry when people make comments that you don't agree with.  If you don't want to hear it, don't put yourself out there.  

I don't know if this is still the case, but Whitney's FB page had absolutely no negative comments during at least her first and second season--that's why I had to stop following it.  No one has no negative comments--I bet if Mother Teresa had a FB page when she was alive, she would even have a ton of negative comments.  Yes, there are stupid people who just post things like "fat pig" who are of no help, and I try to gloss over those comments, but there are some people who post thoughtful and helpful criticisms.  

15 hours ago, fountain said:

I know it is late to the game for the original post but I will say that understanding how you are perceived and managing/improving  perception requires you to step into the recipient's position and really view your behaviour.  It is a part of emotional intelligence and there is a lot written about it now and a lot of courses, so there are resources.  Once you get past the sting of being told you need improvement I hope you can take your boss to heart and seek out some resources.

See...

Do I 100% agree? Not really (OK, I 90% agree).  Did I get upset and flame Fountain or ask the moderator to delete this person's comment?  No. 

Civil debating - lets bring it back!

[Cinnamini11]

On 1/7/2017 at 10:50 AM, notyrmomma said:

Does anyone else see the hateful tone in that comment or have we just gotten so PC that derogatory comments towards, I dunno, anyone who doesn't completely embrace the LBGT community, is accepted and actually encouraged? (so if you don't care for the fact that this woman is a lesbian, you must be a "pearl clutching bigot").  Why?

I don’t think it’s PC so much as change in public opinion. You can’t say a lot of things anymore without someone speaking out to disagree (I suppose the opposite is true as well?). And it’s viewed as “okay” to be derogatory as long as you view the idea/comment/opinion as morally repugnant. I think that’s always been the case, but now people have different ideas of what is morally acceptable and what is not. Sixty some years ago few would’ve batted at eye if you had sex with your wife when she didn’t want to. Now it’s rape with prison and social stigma. I think people would feel no such qualms about being derogatory to someone expressing that opinion again. So now you have the same situation, except with disagreeing with same sex relationships.

On 1/7/2017 at 11:26 AM, notyrmomma said:

Yes, words can make you sad and stressed, but only you alone can chose on whether or not to dwell on them enough to let them hurt you.

To this point I would say that perhaps it comes from increased understanding and acknowledgment of the impact and importance of mental/emotional health (versus only physical well-being). I think as a society we’re becoming more aware of emotional trauma and the subsequent behaviors that can come about as a result. I think physical actions can be viewed in much the same way. If you intentionally hurt someone (black eye, broken nose, etc.) people still view it as a big deal/assault, even if the person heals good as new.

Edit: Re-read this, clarifying that I'm not saying leaving polite, but potentially offensive to her, comments on Whitney's wall is trauma lol, just meant that reactions to words in general can come from seeing them as more important now.

[Natalie68]

On 1/8/2017 at 8:18 AM, Runnergirl said:

 Depends on the person. I was friends with someone when I was anorexic and very skinny so she only knew me as super skinny. We didn't see each other for a long time and I had recovered to a normal weight. When we met up again first thing she said to me is "wow you filled out". While I wasn't fat, my brain warped that comment  and I relapsed into ana again.

I hate being recovered and the comments that come along with it.

That is why IF you are going to comment you just say you look FABULOUS!  Congrats on your success.

[Natalie68]

On 1/8/2017 at 2:49 PM, momofsquid said:

I was a very tiny kid and continued to be somewhat tiny as a young adult. Oh, those were the days, my friends! I am not so tiny now in my mid-fifties. Anyway, when I was in college I was on the bus heading home after an exam and the woman sitting next to me started chattering away as if she knew me. I didn't recognize her at first but it turned out she was my third grade teacher! She had just written the same introductory psych exam I had and somehow managed to recognize me when she got on the bus. What I remember best about that meeting was her telling me, "You've gotten a little bit fat! But that's okay." At the time I weighed less than 100 pounds and was regularly told that I was too skinny so this was the first time in my life I'd been called fat. I was dumbstruck and I still feel uncomfortable about it today. Not sure what my point is in telling this story; just an example of how words can hit and stay with you, I guess.

While I would never ever comment on someone's weight to them, when describing body shapes I prefer rubenesque, voluptuous, and the like (I used to be quite heavy for my frame).  Fat just isn't kind to me.  Nor is skinny.  Everyone can look wonderful provided you take some care in your look (said the person who wears sweats and no make up everyday not at work with my hair on top of my head, I am a no effs to give kinda gal in my free time).  I may get a little free with my words in this forum because she is irritating and her life does not seem fabulous but I try to be kind in real life. 

[Natalie68]

On 11/13/2016 at 6:21 AM, notyrmomma said:

***please note, this is not intended on being a political discussion, just a discussion on this show's premise and our society in general

I'm a long time watcher of this show and poster on this forum, and this whole election debacle got me thinking, harsh words can hurt, but do they really do any damage?  Whitney's show is based on that people shouldn't say certain things because (and I'm being generous, she actually DEMANDS that people not even hint at not nice words) they "hurt" people, but is this really true?  

I have been obese since childhood until two years ago when I decided to get weight loss surgery.  Growing up, I was teased mercilessly at school, but instead of running up to my school and demanding they make those kids stop, my mother had me repeat "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me."  What happened to us as a society that we now believe that words can really hurt us?

Words only "hurt" when you believe them and take them to heart.  I think we all need to get a grip and realize that just because someone calls you a "fat ass" does not make it true.  What someone says about you is more of a reflection on what is going on in his/her life, and further, what someone thinks about you is none of your business.  

I am dealing with something like this at work now.  I have been told in closed-door meetings with my boss that I am too "harsh" in dealing with coworkers sometimes (I will fully admit, I have no patience for laziness or stupidity) and when people feel offended, this erases all the good work I do.  I am told that I need to watch out how I am perceived.  How the hell can I control what someone thinks of me?  Even if I were to constantly walk on eggshells around people, the only way I could ever guarantee that I don't offend anyone would be to remain totally silent with no expression on my face.

Is it just me, or do people need to toughen up and stop being so offended all the time?  I like to keep an open mind, so if I am wrong, where am I wrong?  discuss...

Yes they can do damage.  Therapists see people day in and day out that have been hurt by things said to them.  I remember things said to me as a child and it still stings.  If you are a boss or work with others you do need to treat people with respect.  It isn't walking on eggshells to treat others with the respect they deserve.  I supervise young adults and there are times I COULD easily be harsh and say whats on my mind but they would not respect me and I don't want to hurt them.  I am there to teach them how to be good coworkers and employees.  They will tell you my number one rule is civility in the workplace.  If someone tells you you need to be less harsh listen to them.  Just because you can take whatever is said to you doesn't mean others can.  Sadly sensitivity and kindness is becoming rare.

[Cinnamini11]

On 11/13/2016 at 9:21 AM, notyrmomma said:

I am dealing with something like this at work now.  I have been told in closed-door meetings with my boss that I am too "harsh" in dealing with coworkers sometimes (I will fully admit, I have no patience for laziness or stupidity) and when people feel offended, this erases all the good work I do.  I am told that I need to watch out how I am perceived.  How the hell can I control what someone thinks of me?  Even if I were to constantly walk on eggshells around people, the only way I could ever guarantee that I don't offend anyone would be to remain totally silent with no expression on my face.

Actually if you did that people might get even more alarmed! I have rbf so people would just think I was plotting their demise or something.

Anyway, I think this relates to how, unfortunately, your job isn't just about how well you can complete your work. The unwritten part of the job description is being the right "fit" for the company. During my interview for my current job my boss actually said he was "looking for someone he could have fun with". -_- I thought for sure they were going to go with the other candidate after that (I'm rather reserved). 

There's nothing inherently wrong with being blunt, plenty of people appreciate it, but when it comes to your job interpersonal skills are half the battle alone (I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced that one 'fun' person in the office whose work is sort of subpar, but everyone loves them and lets them get away with it). If you work in a solitary field or are pure genius enough to be indispensable, then you can get away with a lot. But otherwise…

I had to send yet another email out to my group yesterday and I literally thought "hmmm better put a smiley face so they don't think I'm mean". One, it's email so tone can be hard of course. But two, it might soothe any knee jerk defensiveness as well as get them to do their job. Is a smiley face necessary? Nah, but it helps in getting a message across to a group full of different personalities. I do my best. The girl before me was super peppy and yeah no I can't be that person, but I'll be empathetic. 

[Cinnamini11]

6 hours ago, Natalie68 said:

Yes they can do damage.  Therapists see people day in and day out that have been hurt by things said to them.  I remember things said to me as a child and it still stings.  If you are a boss or work with others you do need to treat people with respect.  It isn't walking on eggshells to treat others with the respect they deserve.  I supervise young adults and there are times I COULD easily be harsh and say whats on my mind but they would not respect me and I don't want to hurt them.  I am there to teach them how to be good coworkers and employees.  They will tell you my number one rule is civility in the workplace.  If someone tells you you need to be less harsh listen to them.  Just because you can take whatever is said to you doesn't mean others can.  Sadly sensitivity and kindness is becoming rare.

I think sometimes it's really hard for people who don't react as strongly to others to understand more sensitive people. Ha that's basically the premise of my entire childhood. Both personalities (thick skinned vs sensitive) have their pros and cons. But seriously if my dad had to live in my brain for a day and vice versa- it would be like we were experiencing completely different worlds. 

Going back to PC talk etc., along with sensitivity and kindness, a large part about some words is that it's more than just being mean, it’s the effect that it has on society at large. Some people dismiss that as bull because 'how is my one comment affecting "society"???' But what people don't think of is that same sentiment is actually being expressed over and over by so many more people than just them. Plus it's harder to notice when that sentiment isn't being directed towards you personally.

Those words are reflective of their thoughts and those thoughts impact how they treat people, no matter how seemingly minuscule it is. And although personal actions may seem minuscule, when it's combined with the thoughts and actions of others it is amplified and very impactful.

[TurtlePower]

17 hours ago, Natalie68 said:

Yes they can do damage.  Therapists see people day in and day out that have been hurt by things said to them.  I remember things said to me as a child and it still stings.  If you are a boss or work with others you do need to treat people with respect.  It isn't walking on eggshells to treat others with the respect they deserve.  I supervise young adults and there are times I COULD easily be harsh and say whats on my mind but they would not respect me and I don't want to hurt them.  I am there to teach them how to be good coworkers and employees.  They will tell you my number one rule is civility in the workplace.  If someone tells you you need to be less harsh listen to them.  Just because you can take whatever is said to you doesn't mean others can.  Sadly sensitivity and kindness is becoming rare.

And for someone who is a boss, a good boss knows how to communicate with employees differently based on those individuals' personalities. People interpret things differently. A good book to read about this is "Mindset". It gives insight into oneself and also how others perceive things.

[zenme]

I think it's best to just keep one's mouth shut. We don't know what someone goes through on daily basis, or what their struggles are. There could be more than just weight that is an issue, like sexual or physical abuses going on.  If someone wakes up every day and is subjected to some kind of abuse everyday, or a struggle of some sort, what is the purpose of heaping on even more to another fellow human being? Why not a smile or a kind word--or just nothing at all if nothing positive comes out of your mouth? I just don't understand how people can be mean to one another, feel entitled to do so,  and feel no guilt over it. 

[mzskyhawk00]

Just went to No Body Shame website.  No classes are scheduled as of today.  

As someone who has diabetes, it sucks to watch what you eat and how many carbs you are eating.  I make room for those things that I like that are higher in carbs occasionally. I'll make the sacrifice to have those items I can't have everyday anymore.  Just they way it has to be if you want a healthy long life.

[SongbirdHollow]

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

Seems like we are debating the third.

[Rabbittron]

Words really hurt my mom always told me that I was a big fat pig even though I was always normal range weight. The day she died was the happiest day of my life because I was rid of the bitch.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Rabbittron
Can't spell.

[ClareWalks]

When I was a senior in high school I remember I was 5'9" and weighed 119 lb. RAIL thin. My older brother, thinking he was being hilarious, got on my case that "well, none of the girls in my grade weighed over 100 lb." Even though I knew he was lying and that I was skinny, I still remember him saying that to this day, and being bothered by it. There is something about a person purposely trying to make you feel insecure about yourself that sticks with you. I imagine that if they are actually hitting a real insecurity you have, it's 20x worse.

[supaflyskye]

sorry to dredge up an old-ish thread, but I only joined recently & I really do wish to contribute to this topic.

I haven't finished the whole thread yet, so if this has already been covered, do forgive me...
but I feel, generally speaking, that NO -- words cannot do any real harm to a person unless one chooses to let said words do damage. in most instances, it all comes down to your reaction/response to hurtful words...my dad has told me ever since I was a young child, "you cannot control other people, their feelings or their actions, BUT you can absolutely control how you RESPOND to the actions of others."
that being said, I DO believe that there are occasional exceptions to this. like ex. if the "hurtful" words are coming from a person who one has a close loving relationship w/, feels able to depend on for comfort, and holds the opinions of in very high regard; and especially if the words hit on a subject one is already sensitive/insecure about and/or one is blindsided & completely unprepared to receive the harsh "criticism" ...I do not think I'm explaining it very well...but, like one's parent/s or parental figure/s (if one has the above described sort of relationship w/ one's parents), or perhaps one's significant other, for an example.

but in most circumstances, I believe that harsh words can only really do long-term damage to a person if said person chooses to let the words do damage. 
& of course, some folks are more inclined to make those damaging choices...and in some cases may not even realize that they do have the option to react in a way such that the harsh words do no damage.

may edit in more later, as I'm not in a good way right now & so am not even quite sure this post makes any proper sense ...but that's about the gist of my feelings on the matter.

 

Edited March 1, 2017 by supaflyskye

[supaflyskye]

On 1/8/2017 at 11:18 AM, Runnergirl said:

 Depends on the person. I was friends with someone when I was anorexic and very skinny so she only knew me as super skinny. We didn't see each other for a long time and I had recovered to a normal weight. When we met up again first thing she said to me is "wow you filled out". While I wasn't fat, my brain warped that comment  and I relapsed into ana again.

I hate being recovered and the comments that come along with it.

I fucking FEEL you man.

though I am truly not a fan of all this "trigger" bullshit (which is closely related to the concept of "shaming") -- people being "triggered" by literally anything & everything & getting all butthurt over it online; I do have to admit, that is one thing I personally find extremely "triggering" -- comments (especially positive comments for some reason?) on my body when I've gained weight.
like, last spring I gained a bunch of weight -- like 30-35lbs, all the way up to a "healthy" weight... and my boss & all the other employees where I was working (I swear my boss must've put them up to it) were constantly bombarding me w/ comments on it. I'd walk into the barn (I'm a professional riding instructor/horse trainer) and the first thing I'd immediately hear was was a barrage of comments, "oh my god you look so BEAUTIFUL!" "so much BETTER," "so HEALTHY," "so HAPPY," "you're GLOWING!" and etc, etc, etc. =/ 
like...NO...I am not "better," I'm not "happy," I'm not "healthy" ...I am consuming ~15000cal/day, every day, my blood sugar is probably going to put me in a coma, and I have never been so goddamn miserable in my life, and you are NOT helping.

I just HATED hearing all that crap every day...it made me want to crawl into a hole & die right then & there.

sorry, I know this is really not directly related to the OP...but I just had to empathize.

I hope you're doing better now in regards to your ED, Runnergirl.

Edited March 1, 2017 by supaflyskye

[notyrmomma]

On 2/28/2017 at 8:21 PM, supaflyskye said:

sorry to dredge up an old-ish thread, but I only joined recently & I really do wish to contribute to this topic.

I haven't finished the whole thread yet, so if this has already been covered, do forgive me...
but I feel, generally speaking, that NO -- words cannot do any real harm to a person unless one chooses to let said words do damage. in most instances, it all comes down to your reaction/response to hurtful words...my dad has told me ever since I was a young child, "you cannot control other people, their feelings or their actions, BUT you can absolutely control how you RESPOND to the actions of others."
that being said, I DO believe that there are occasional exceptions to this. like ex. if the "hurtful" words are coming from a person who one has a close loving relationship w/, feels able to depend on for comfort, and holds the opinions of in very high regard; and especially if the words hit on a subject one is already sensitive/insecure about and/or one is blindsided & completely unprepared to receive the harsh "criticism" ...I do not think I'm explaining it very well...but, like one's parent/s or parental figure/s (if one has the above described sort of relationship w/ one's parents), or perhaps one's significant other, for an example.

but in most circumstances, I believe that harsh words can only really do long-term damage to a person if said person chooses to let the words do damage. 
& of course, some folks are more inclined to make those damaging choices...and in some cases may not even realize that they do have the option to react in a way such that the harsh words do no damage.

may edit in more later, as I'm not in a good way right now & so am not even quite sure this post makes any proper sense ...but that's about the gist of my feelings on the matter.

 

I agree.  I actually agree with both of your posts.  It's a delicate balance.

The reason for this thread (I can't exactly remember what really sparked it though), is that people think that they should be able to control others' words, but the reality of that is that any attempt to do so is futile and just creates a world where everyone is nervous to be around other people because they are afraid they are going to say something wrong.  Humans are just human.  We all say stupid things.  Sometimes the stupidest things that come out of our mouths are intended to be a compliment or to be funny - most of the time we just want people to like us.  Whitney's reverse shaming of anyone who utters their opinion of the obese is just as bad as the person who calls her a fat cow, IMO.  People need to relax a little and understand that people are just people and try to find and avoid the really bad ones.

Edited March 8, 2017 by notyrmomma