Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[peach]

Not to mention that professional grifter, Mariah, seems to have forgotten how a gravy train works.  Even if she hated Sharon's guts, there is no way she would act like it when she just basically won the lottery.  (Which was my complaint about the crush on Nick story even before this!)

[miamama]

Not to mention that professional grifter, Mariah, seems to have forgotten how a gravy train works.

 

Right? How absurd that she wouldn't first think of how she's now one of the 1 percent. There is zero thought to character. Mariah was interesting. She was different. Now she's an ungrateful, rich spoiled Newman kid. How original.

[movinon]

He thinks it’s more important to Ian to act like he’s smarter than everyone, which is such a hard trick in this town.  Dylan has to think about this, like Winnie the Pooh…think, think. 

 

Too funny  - after a long day with 2 doctor's appointments, your re-cap is just what I needed.  Will watch the show later - recap is more important.

 

 

 

[peacheslatour]

Right? How absurd that she wouldn't first think of how she's now one of the 1 percent. There is zero thought to character. Mariah was interesting. She was different. Now she's an ungrateful, rich spoiled Newman kid. How original.

Too true.  Where is the "I don"t need nobody but my wits" chick she was originally?

[peach]

Wed, Sep 3, 2014  Job Opportunities

 

Victoria stares pensively out her office window while Abby prattles on about how she’s come up with the perfect birth theme, like she’s planning a garden party.  But Victoria doesn’t even hear her…she’s thinking about Billy.  Over-invested Abby gets excited like a puppy because she hopes that means they’re getting back together!  Victoria just sighs.

 

Jack’s in HIS office, talking to Billy.  Wow, how many people are working today?!  This is incredible.  Billy doesn’t hear anything Jack says either, because he’s lost in thought, twirling his wedding ring.  They’re thinking about each other at the same time, because they have A Connection, you guys.  Everyone says so.  Jack questions him, but “Hey, hey, hey, Ashley Abbott is in the house!  And it just might be for good if everything goes right today!”  Jack and Billy are thrilled by this surprise.

 

Not thrilled are Michael and Lauren, laying in bed, staring at the ceiling.  It…doesn’t look good.  They’re both acting like someone died over a problem so common that we’re bombarded with frequent commercials for the solution.  Maybe they don’t have a TV.  He could always ask Gloria from some magic absinthe drops.

 

Grief-stricken Lauren manages to whisper that it doesn’t matter.  She just wants to be close to him.  She perks up and tries the Pollyanna route, talking about how great it’s going to be now that Avery can help with his caseload, and they should have a big celebration dinner!  STOP talking to him like he’s a child, Michael says darkly, even though he’s pouting like one. 

 

Cane and Lily aren’t having any problems, though.  They’re doing it at work AGAIN.  Colin is banging on the office door because he knows Cane’s in there, and he has to talk to him, mate. 

 

Neil and Hilary are at Crimson Lights.  She is smart and resourceful and is anxious to meet with the social worker for tips on how to help Neil get around.  She has some good ideas, but Neil isn’t interested!  That’s not for him.  He’s a man with a job, and he’s going to get back to it, today.   That’s what some of those tips would help with, dimwit.  I can see how Neil’s attitude is probably a lot harder for Hilary to deal with than his actual blindness.  But man, Labor Day really got everyone fired up to go to work.  Oh, and Devon walks in so he can give pitiful looks across the room.

 

Hilary thinks Neil’s job is stressful enough under normal conditions, and he’s still recovering from his accident.  Please, he can HANDLE this.  Devon walks up and says Hilary’s right.  Neil doesn’t care, he’s going to the office and Hilary can either drive him or he’ll go catch a cab, probably right between the eyes.   Hilary says of course she’ll drive Mr. Martyr to work, and Devon just shakes his head.

 

Some hotsy totsy girl named Sasha approaches Devon.  She did modeling for Jabot, and she’s super sad that she doesn’t see him at the clubs anymore.    He says he’s been unavailable.    She asks if he’s off the market.  Ummm, uhhh.

 

Michael and Lauren = more angst in bed.  

 

Vicky tells Abby she knows she’s been rooting for her to get back with Billy, but that’s just not gonna happen.  Stitch comes trucking in. Ugh, Abby disapproves.  Vicky doesn’t know he got past Connie, but she can guarantee that will never happen again. Newsflash, Victoria, Newman employees are INCOMPETENT AT SECURITY.  He just wanted to know how she and the baby were doing, and he knew she wouldn’t take his call.  SO HE SHOWED UP UNANNOUNCED INSTEAD. 

 

Victoria says they’re fine.  “Which I already TOLD you,” sneers Abby.  Oh, well, it’s a little hard for him to remember anything she said since the LAST time he saw her.  Abby’s like, Oh My GOSH!  It’s NOT a big deal!  Stitch says she used him.  “I’m SORRY, it’s not like I killed someone.”  Boring Victoria is just standing there wondering what is going on between these two.  Abby gets a text.  Her mom’s in town!  She’s gotta run, after a pointed glare at Stitch.  Vicky wants to know what they were talking about.  “She kissed me,” says Stitch. 

 

Ashley wants to know all about how they are.   Jack says things are finally good again, better than that even!  Um…for him.  Ash says that’s fantastic!  Billy claims he’s handling things, but Jack says NOT today.  Something’s on his mind and it’s not business, which is SO different from all the other days. 

 

Ashley asks what’s going on with Victoria.  “You don’t want to know,” doth protests Billy, heaving a sigh. Yes, she does!  Oh, well in that case, let Billy whine all about it.  He says he hasn’t called her because he’s a big boy, Ash, and he doesn’t need to dump his problems on her. He’s busy dumping them on Chelsea.  Blah blah blah, he’s gonna get her back somehow.

 

Ashley thinks she knows what to do about it, probably by throwing herself on top of Stitch.  But she’s been working on something that’s going to set the cosmetics industry…and the WORLD…on fire!  Let me guess…it’s glitter eye shadow.

 

Cane says he wants Colin to come clean about his secret meetings with “park and rec employees.”  Colin just wants advice now that he’s a partner in the new Fenmore Invisible Boutique.  Cane’s like why ask HIM, he’s no expert.  Why doesn’t he ask Jill or Lauren who ARE experts?

 

Lauren and Lily are meeting in the dining room discussing the amazing sales of swimwear and lingerie.  Lily dishes on the pieces SHE’S bought even though she’s out of them more than she’s in them.  “What’s your secret?” asks Lauren.  Umm, youth?

 

Sasha tells Devon that if he changes his mind, to let her know.    Michael overhears and is like, what is holding you back??  He’s a single billionaire.  Devon says he doesn’t feel that way.  Way to play it cool, Devon.  “Are you seeing somebody?” asks Michael.

 

Apparently Ashley is making them play 20 Questions about the new miracle product.  Hilary and Neil interrupt.  Neil is happy to hear Ashley’s voice.  He informs them he’s there to work.  Ashley excuses herself from THIS awkward conversation. 

 

She goes to see Abby and apologizes for not being there for her when she broke her engagement.  I’m sure she had doctors to proposition or something instead.  Abby tells her she’s going to be Victoria’s labor coach.  Whoa…not Billy??  Nope, says Abby, and neither is her friend, Stitch.  Ashley gets cougar eyes.

 

So, Victoria says, you and Abby kissed.  Stitch is like, hey, WE didn’t do anything.  Abby saw Tyler and just planted one on him (Stitch).   Vicky’s like, so you have no interest in her?  Stitch folds his arms.  What, are you jealous?  Vicky blusters NO!!  But let me say a bunch of crappy stuff to you just in case…like even before she knew about his past, she told him she didn’t want a serious relationship, and now she knows why.  There was always something about him that made her hesitant to get involved with him, like that time she threw herself at him in the living room and ripped his clothes off.  “You don’t really mean that, do you?” asks Stitch.  Actually, yeah, she does.

 

Colin wants advice on the language of women and fashion, didn’t Cane work at Jabot?  Okay, yeah, he STARTED their fashion line, but he doesn’t know anything about that stuff.  Colin needs to know about distribution, etc.  Fine, Cane will help him, but only if he tells him about his secret meetings.

 

Jack tells Neil he’s caught off guard because he wasn’t expecting him back yet.  Neil makes a really bad case for himself stating that he can’t look at clothing lines, or models, or go on business trips.   Jack’s like, hey, he can use his sniffer to work in fragrance.  Well, that’s really putting his MBA from Stanford to good use, snarks Neil.  Uh, whose friggin idea was this anyway, Neil?  He says talking about it out loud made him realize it’s a mistake to be there. 

 

Stitch decides he probably ought to leave.  Wait, Vicky wants to know if he heard anything from the state board.  Not yet, but he believes there’s no chance in hell of him practicing medicine again.  He’s looking for a job but all the bad publicity isn’t helping, so the only way he’s going to find work is probably to leave town.  Or work for Jabot or The Underground or become Chief of Police.  Oh, well Vicky will be sure to keep in touch about the baby.  He’s like, gee, thanks. 

 

Wait, says Vicky again.  She’s sorry about how things turned out.  Abby might have used him to make Tyler jealous, but she kind of did the same thing.  “I was angry at Billy, and I was lonely and just wanted someone to make me feel better, and it wasn’t fair to you.”  Especially since it RUINED HIS LIFE.  Stitch resists and says, well, it may have started out that way.  “That’s how it started, and that’s how it ended,” says Victoria.  Cold.  Stitch says it sounds like she’s saying goodbye. 

 

“What are you saying, Neil?” asks Jack.  “Are you quitting??”  Maybe I should, gripes Neil.  Hilary tries to calm  him and says he shouldn’t be making any rash decisions.  “It’s OBVIOUS I can’t do my job!”  Neil won’t listen to Jack, so Jack asks Billy to talk to this man, maybe he’ll listen to HIM.  Seriously?  This isn’t about loser BILLY, so he’s gonna check out on this mess and “leave it to the big boys and girl to hash out.”  He wishes Neil all the best in the world, buddy.  See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

 

Ashley asks Billy how it’s going in there?  He says Jack has his hands full.  “The Abbotts have had better days.”  Yeah, it really sucks for the ABBOTTS that Neil is blind.  And Billy’s really going to need Ashley, especially after today.  It was super hard being asked for opinions and encouragement of others.

 

Colin and Cane blah blah blaaaaah.  Cane’s hair is too long.

 

Jack refuses to accept Neil’s resignation.  Hilary will be his eyes around there.  Jack gets Neil to agree to just taking a leave of absence, fully paid.  Jack is pretty awesome.  He says Neil was there for him when he needed him most, and it’s time for Jabot to give back to him.  Hilary thanks him for his generosity.  She guides Neil out.  They tell Ashley and Abby he’s changed his mind about working for now.  He tells Hilary there’s something he has to do before they go home.

 

Victoria tells Stitch not to worry, that if the baby is his, it won’t be goodbye. She will never deny him the right to see his child.  “Despite my past?” asks Stitch.   Billy walks in, which irritates her some more.  Bickering.  Stitch says he’ll let Vicky know about his future plans.  “Must you?” snarks Billy.  Stitch gives him a dirty look, and says, "So long, Victoria."  Goodbye Sticky, hello Stabby?

 

Billy wants to know what Stitch was doing there.  He was checking on the baby, what is BILLY doing there?  Guilting you.  “Four years ago today, I got down on one knee and proposed to you, remember that?”  Vaguely, she says.  Then why did she pick today of all days to serve him with divorce papers?!  He throws them on her desk and looks at her like, how could you?

 

Ashley supports Jack and Neil.  So what about the earth shattering new project?  Blah blah.  It’s a new fragrance.  WOW!!!!  Abby says it better be made of gold and smell like money.  Oh, that’s child’s play, says Ashley.  This has never been done before.  It’s called…Boring.

 

Lily and Lauren blah blah blaaaaaah.  Lauren still wants to know about how they keep that cats in heat thing going.  Lauren remembers a party when she wore a sexy witch costume and, well, you know.

 

Michael and Devon blah blah blaaaaah.  

 

Jack says everything has already been done before.   Ashley says not this, but she’s still tweaking it, so she can’t tell them what it is.  Abby says she really is [full of shit] a sadist.  Ash just wants to start the marketing campaign.  How can they market a mystery product, asks Abby.  THAT’S  IT EXACTLY!   Market the MYSTERY.  Is that what’s been happening to us?  She wants billboards with a perfume bottle and a question mark!  On top of a music box.  In a chandelier.

 

Jack wants a perfected formula.  She’s getting chemists on it.  And then, she says, Jack is going to make her co-CEO.  Um, have you seen The Office when Michael and Jim tried to be co-Branch Manager?  But Jack says she has a deal..IF she brings him something viable. 

 

Vicky had no idea those papers were coming today. Avery’s assistant is an idiot.  Vicky gets all puny and says she would never want those papers to come on a day that means so much to them.  Billy asks her if she could go back, knowing everything she knows now…would she still have married him?  God, I hope not.

 

Devon stops by Jabot, and Jack tells him Neil changed his mind and is taking a leave of absence til his eyesight comes back.  Jack’s glass is half full on this one.  Everyone else had miracles, so Neil will get one too. 

 

Jack says it’s great that Neil has HILARY by his side, RIGHT, DEVON?  Devon says it’s still gotta be tough for Hilary to play nursemaid to a blind old dude all the time.  Jack thinks she’s up for the challenge.  Yeah, well, Dad told him to look out for her.  Jack says there’s a big difference between looking out for her…and gazing at her.  Devon’s like, what’s that supposed to mean?  Jack says, I think you know what I mean.

 

Neil goes to see his doctor because he wants answers.  Well, the doctor doesn’t know.  What does that mean?  It means “I JUST DON’T KNOW.”  The doctor leaves.  Hilary’s weepy, and Neil assures her they will both get through this…together.

 

Cane and Colin….whatever.  It was such a sacrifice that Cane couldn’t take the Newman job because he had to cover Colin’s ass.  Colin thinks he really wishes he had a big, powerful job.

 

Michael calls Lauren from a pitiful corner booth at Crimson Lights, and cancels dinner because he has a pile of work on his desk.  He’s really sorry.  LIES, ALL LIES.  Lauren sits down alone in her sad, sexy witch costume, devastated.

 

Victoria tells Billy he screws up more times before breakfast than most people do all day.  “That just shows I’m ambitious,” smiles Billy.  He knew she wanted to be with a man who was ambitious.  Through all of it, Vicky says she never stopped….  What?  Well, that day he put that ring on her finger it was the bestest most heartstopping exciting blah great thing ever.  So she would still have married him.  So, does that mean the divorce is off?

 

Ashley and Abby are eating at the club.  Abby doesn’t know anything chemists.  Ash starts talking about a guy she might hire, Benjamin Russell.  OMG, says Abby, don’t you know who that is?  Stitch walks up.  He’s there about the job.  Omg, HE IS GOING TO WORK FOR JABOT!!  At least this borefest ended with a good laugh.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Ashley and Abby are eating at the club.

They weren't just eating, they apparently were conducting interviews. Who does that in the middle of a restaurant, especially when they have a skyscraper full of offices they can use? Tacky, tacky, tacky. Of course this means Abby can make a public scene because she's been putting the moves on the same guy her mommy has had her eyes on. The guy who's still in love with another woman. Oy, so much soap in my eyes! It burns!

[miamama]

Market the MYSTERY.  Is that what’s been happening to us?  She wants billboards with a perfume bottle and a question mark!  On top of a music box.  In a chandelier.

 

*dead*

[Petunia13]

I like the irony Lauren got the idea to wear a sexy witch costume after talking to Lily who's "smokin' hot" witch.

I'm glad you brought up Michaels issue isn't that outlandish and that's there's commercials all the time (and email spam). They act like he has a detachable penis or something.

I wish Neil had died or went into a coma or something. I don't give a fuck about him or his idiotic triangle or Canes daddy drama.

If Ashley only came back to make Stitch look desirable and give him a job she can go to NYC or visit Kylleno.

[movinon]

Billy and Ben got past Connie because she has to be older than dirt and couldn't catch them.  This woman has to be in her 80's by now - she wasn't young when Victoria was born.  Oops, I forgot = SORASing works in reverse, too, I suppose. 

Edited September 5, 2014 by movinon

[peach]

Thur, Sept 4, 2014  All Roads Lead To Jabot

 

This is a bit of a long one before another U.S. Open break.  Let's get going!

 

Looks like Summer’s trying to dress like a sexy grown up in a strappy black shorts outfit, but she still talks in her baby voice and brings her husband a brown bag sandwich at his bar job.  A marshmallow fluff sandwich, probably.   Austin says she saved his life, because working in a club that serves food, he would have starved, he jokes.  Aw, she just needed an excuse to see him even though she sees him all day.  He tells her she doesn’t need an excuse.  She might need an ID, though.  Noah comes grumping in.  He tells Summer that Dad wants him to tell her something, and she better sit down.

 

Sharon is at the cottage in a strapless red-orange dress and sleek ponytail, getting ready to tell Faith the big surprise.  Faith has a sister besides Summer.  It turns out Mariah’s her sister, too.

 

Nick is at Mariah’s bedside when she wakes up in the hospital.   I’m sure that will help with her insane crush.  She’s a little bit out of it and thinks the whole groggy wedding in a storage unit thing was a dream, but we’re sorry, Mariah, that’s the actual plot.   Nick tells her it’s all true, and the police are looking for Ian, and not to worry about the obviously not legal wedding.

 

She asks if the Sharon is her mom part is true.  Yep, and she stayed all night with her.  She’s home with Faith now, and the doctor said when Mariah woke up, Nick could take her home.  “Home?....with Sharon?”  Nick can just forget it, because she is NOT going.  Okay, then, bye.  Good luck with your medical  bills.

 

Phyllis is still frustrating Victor by just staring into space some more.  Maybe she’s punking him.  Dr. Cutler tells him again that this process can’t be rushed.  Victor doesn’t think Dr. Cutler is hearing him.  He needs him to do whatever it takes to shock her back to consciousness.  Dr. Cutler kind of laughs at him and says this isn’t a Mary Shelley novel, but Victor NEEDS HER to wake up, okay?  

 

Ashley is confused…Stitch isn’t Ben Russell, he’s Ben Rayburn.  Abby is already worked up.  Stitch says he’s just as surprised as Ashley.  He saw the job opening on a scientific website and there was no mention of Jabot Cosmetics.  Abby says it doesn’t matter because her mom is hiring a chemist, not some guy whose entire life is a fraud.  Twilight staring.

 

Victoria tells Billy to stop putting words in her mouth.  He’s not, he’s just saying that when she said she would still have married him in the past that means she wants to stay married to him now.  Pushy Billy takes the divorce papers over to the shredder and turns it on.  Vicky just has to say the word and he’ll destroy them “along with every rotten thing they ever said or did to each other.”  Wow, that’s really big of you, Billy.  “Come on, Vick, what do you say?”

 

Summer can’t believe that Mariah is Cassie’s twin!  Noah explains what happened when the babies were born.  He says they’re going to have to accept Mariah whether they like it or not.  Special Princess Summer says she guesses she’s glad for Sharon’s sake that she found her long lost child, but it just sucks that it has to be someone like HER.

 

Sharon and Faith agree that it’s sad that Mariah didn’t get to grow up with the family.  At least now they know why she looks just like Cassie!  The plan is for Mariah to come and live with them again, not as a guest, but as a real member of the family.  “Even if she broke the rules?” asks Faith.  “Remember, you said she was out of chances.” 

 

Well, she just got an unlimited chance card.  Sharon says Mariah didn’t know how to follow the rules because she was raised by wolves.  She didn’t know Sharon was her mom.  “Or that Daddy was her daddy,” smiles Faith.  EXACTLY.  And now, he WILL be her Daddy, just like with Cassie, and there will be no backstabbing lingerie.

 

Nick tells Mariah he knows this is a shock for her.  Mariah flounces out of bed and says she’s NEVER going back to that house.  “Sharon hates me, she threw me out!”  Nick’s like, uh, there’s a reason for that.  Oh, right, that’s she such a TRAMP?! 

 

Nick calmly tells her she misunderstood his interest in her.  And he LOVES Sharon.   And if even if he didn’t, he could NEVER feel the way she wanted him to.  He sees his daughter.  Mariah’s like, your adopted daughter.  Okay, same difference, weird girl.  Especially now that she IS Cassie’s twin.

 

Mariah’s pissed.  So what is he gonna do now?  Read her stories and put a ribbon in her hair?  “It’s TOO DAMN LATE for that!  I am never going to fit into your perfect little family where everyone is NICE, and POLITE, and RICH.”  Well, you can at least be rich, Mariah, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.  Also, Nick’s family is sick and dysfunctional, not perfect.  She should fit in just fine. But she shouts for him to PLEASE let her find her own way, and LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE! 

 

Nick hands her some clothes that Sharon brought and says he’ll wait outside while she changes.  And then he IS going to take her home, because like it or not, that’s where she belongs.  Can’t they just buy her a Barbie Townhouse?

 

Ashley coolly scolds Abby and says they are representing Jabot here, and for her to make any kind of accusations against this hot guy is completely inappropriate.  “It’s only slander if it isn’t true,” retorts Abby.  Ashley will handle this.  Stitch is trying to hide his gloating little grin.  

 

Ash asks him about his name formerly being Rayburn.  “Yes!” says Abby triumphantly, “because he stole his identity when he got out of prison!  For murder. And what better way of starting over than to commit another crime!”  Stitch says Abby’s putting her own spin on it, but the facts are public knowledge…her brother made sure of that.  (Also, he’s not a chemist.)

 

Ashley says she heard some rumors but didn’t know what to believe.  “Billy made it his mission to dig up my past, and wreck my life,” says Stitch.  Abby isn’t having it!  “NO. You did that yourself when you killed your father.“  Ashley’s like, um, you killed your father?  Mmm hmm, Abby says excitedly. 

 

“He was very abusive,” says Stitch.  Shit happens, and it’s a terrible thing he’ll have to live with for life, and that’s all he’s gonna say about it.   Ashley considers this and his 10 day beard.   Abby steams and rolls her eyes.  Ashley wants to know how Billy wrecked his life with that information.  Well, he got Victoria to dump him (which is a big win in Ashley’s book), and he lost his job at Memorial. 

 

Ashley is like, so this whole time you were at the hospital, including treating my sprained ankle, you were just pretending to be a doctor??  No way, he was a real doctor with a fake name.  He just finessed his license.  “Just like you finessed your way into Victoria’s heart,“ snarks Abby.  No, he did that with tequila.  “Are you a fake chemist, too?” 

 

No, he worked in a LAB, Abby.  Working in a LAB makes you a CHEMIST.  Duh.  He worked there to get through med school, and by the time he left he was running the place.  He was the best damn thing that ever happened to that lab.  So, he says, Ashley can hire a safe choice, like a PhD in chemistry, or she can hire someone with talent and drive who looks like Brett Favre in a good way.

 

Abby says, “Great!  You just made my mom’s job a lot easier!  Tell him, Mom!  Give him your answer!”  Of course, Ashley says, ”You’re hired.” Abby’s eyes almost pop out of her head.  Stitch looks surprised, like, did that really just work?  Hey, if Victor Newman’s pool boy can be a Jabot executive, surely Stitch can be a chemist.

 

Victoria turns off the shredder.  She is not having second thoughts.  She was just upset that Billy got served the papers today.  Well Billy’s upset about a lot more than that, waaaah!!!  Vicky says not to prolong the inevitable, just sign the papers and move on!  Billy goes back to his proposal story and reminds Victoria that she said yes.  Which is usually the case, Billy, people get married before they get divorced. 

 

He gets her to laugh about their first wedding, the invalid one, with the rum shots.  But his favorite memories are the new ones, like when they go to the park.   Vicky thought it was super special when Billy broke her out of the hospital to get to Johnny’s preschool.   Alas.  He says let’s get it over with, and starts to sign the papers.  “Billy…wait.”  Let's drag this out for twenty more minutes.

 

Victoria says before they do this, there’s something she wants him to know.  She doesn’t think he deserves all the blame.  She’s made some mistakes, too.  Billy says they belong together.  She says they’ve hurt each other repeatedly.  They made an amazing little boy, but this marriage is over.  They sit down together, dressed all in black, and solemnly sign the papers.  “So, now what?” asks Billy.  His phone rings, and for some reason, his newly divorced ex looks at it for him.  It’s Chelsea the Consolation Prize, so Victoria tells him he better take it.

 

Abby asks Ashley how she can just give Stitch a job after everything he did!  Stitch says he’s a little mystified himself.  The bedroom eyes weren’t a clue?  Abby says, “Can you just not be here for a second, so I can talk to my mom.  ALONE.”  He doesn’t mind.  Abby asks if she has lost her mind wanting to give a job to this creep?  Ashley says he has an amazing [body] resume.  “He also has a RAP SHEET.” 

 

Ashley’s like, meh, you heard what he said about his father.  YEAH, well, Abby knows what Kelly said about their father, and SHE says he was a saint.  “Who knows what’s true?” shrugs Ashley.  She really super doesn’t care what Stitch did.  Abby doesn’t want to be around him or trust him with corporate secrets!  Ash says that he was trusted with patient information (which he violated), and BESIDES, if she can keep him busy, it will keep him AWAY FROM VICTORIA, hello? Get with the program.  Maybe she and Billy can get back together.  Abby is like, mm hmm, is this really about Billy or do you want the guy for yourself?  Ashley is like, who, me?

 

Victor tells Dr. Cutler he doesn’t mean any disrespect, and he CERTAINLY doesn’t want him to HURT Phyllis, but if there’s ANY way he can accelerate her recovery than do it right damn now.  Dr Cutler is like yeah, yeah, and leaves. 

 

Victor hovers over her again.  “My goodness, Phyllis.  It breaks my heart to see you like this.”  So many people love her dearly and TELL ME HOW TO DESTROY SHARON!!!!  Ha, he keeps that inside, but he shows her a snapshot of someone important to jog her memory..and yeah, it’s Sharon.  Victor’s so dumb, it needs to be a photo of NICK and Sharon.  Phyllis is probably trying not to scratch her nose until she can get this creepy weirdo out of the room.

 

Nick gets home with Mariah.  Faith is overjoyed and gives her a big hug.  She wants to make her a sister bracelet!  But Mariah HAS to follow the rules this time!  “Are you a love child, too?!”   Ha!  Sharon reminds her we don’t say that anymore.  She tells Mariah that Faith is just excited.  “Whatever,” says Mariah.

 

Sharon says she doesn’t blame her for not wanting to be there or doubting them.   Blah blah, Sharon truly believes it’s a miracle that she’s come home to them.  She reaches out to touch Mariah’s shoulder, but she flinches away.  “Don’t touch me!  Don’t come near me!” Worst. Grifter. Ever.  Or maybe she just has borderline personality disorder.  “Have you forgotten all the horrible things that you said to me when you kicked me out??  The way you made me feel like a worthless piece of trash?!” she yells.  

 

Nick is 100% Sensible Dad now.  “Sharon didn’t make you feel anything.  That is the reaction you chose to have after she confronted you about your behavior.”  Sharon’s like, um, no, Mariah, I haven’t forgotten coming home to find you parading around in lingerie hoping to seduce Nick.  Have you?  “You don’t need to remind me.  Nick already told me what a pathetic loser I am.”  Ugh, this is going to get tiresome fast.  Nick says, “That is your interpretation.” 

 

Well, Mariah doesn’t need a lecture from either of them!  Sharon doesn’t want to lecture her, she wants to forgive her.  Mariah says she doesn’t need her forgiveness, or her pity, or her soaps and fluffy towels.  Not even one towel?  I bet Sharon has awesome towels.  Mariah says they may have some genes in common but that is IT.

 

Sharon asks doesn't she have any questions?  Aren’t there things she wants to know?  For starters, she wants to know who her father is…if Sharon even knows.  Sharon sits down and tells her about how Frank Barrett was her handsome high school boyfriend, but he dumped her when she got pregnant.  Oh, and he’s dead in a sewer.  “How convenient,” says Mariah. 

 

Nick says Mariah isn’t giving Sharon much of a chance.  “What kind of chance did she give me?"  O_o  Umm, the chance not to rot in jail in Oregon?  But Mariah says Sharon didn’t want her when she was a baby, and threw her out two days ago.  She seems to have effectively spoiled her into a Newman child in the last few weeks, however.  The only thing Mariah wants is for Sharon to say she’s square on all the money she owes her so she can get the hell out of there.  She storms out.

 

Noah says he’s going home to check on Mom.  He tells Austin to look after Summer.  “It’s my job,” says Austin, which is mostly listening to her whiiiiiine and cry.  Summer’s okay, though.  He should just go back to work.  Austin knows she is NOT fine.  Is she worried Mariah could still hurt her family? 

 

Well…there is something wrong…and she’s not proud of it.  But she’s really jealous of her!  Waaaah.  I’M SUPER GIRL.

 

Stitch watches with amusement from the bar while Ashley tells Abby the only thing she’s interested in is the future of her amazing new mystery product she’s developing.  “Ben is the perfect person to assist me in the lab.”  Hmmm, making sure there’s lots of chemistry? asks Abby.  Ashley tells her to knock it off.  Stitch comes back and asks if he’s still hired.  Ashley makes her OWN decisions about hot guys, so, yes, he is.

 

She has to go to New York again, but will call HR and make sure he gets a security badge and keys.  Billy is going to LOVE this.  They shake hands in front of Abby’s face, which is pretty funny.   He promises she won’t regret it.  She leaves him to strategize with Abby about a secret product they don’t know anything about.  Abby says this job might keep him in Genoa City, but it’s not going to give him what he really wants.  She walks away.  I guess she isn’t going to strategize today.

 

Billy awkwardly chats with Chelsea about Neil, and Connor, and gets off the phone.  He insists to Victoria that there’s nothing going on with Chelsea except whining and occasional sex.  He says he’ll shoot the papers over to his lawyer. Before he leaves, he drops some wisdom on Victoria.  “You know, the thing about endings…they’re what you need for a new beginning.”  Someone had Chinese food for lunch.  Vicky drops down in her chair and stares sadly into space.  Gutter love is dead, you guys.

 

Ugh, Victor will just not give Phyllis a break.  “I thought you would react when you saw this picture,” he frowns.  “Maybe the memory of her is too painful for you.  If that is the case, I’d like to know why.”  Maybe after being in a coma for a year, Sharon and VICTOR aren’t the first thing on her mind.   He looks around at some other photos and puts a big one of Princess Summer on the table in front of her face. 

 

Have you ever thought to yourself that Summer couldn’t be worse?  You were wrong.  Austin asks her why she’s jealous of Mariah?  Her life is pretty much a pile of garbage, and she has no friends.   “She has Nick,” whimpers Summer.  Like mother, like daughter. She knows that sounds stupid.  Austin says, hey, don’t say that.  Her feelings are NOT stupid, especially since it was her feelings that bought him a get out of jail free card and a penthouse suite.  Summer’s feelings are awesome, really. 

 

She says it’s just that Nick raised her.  She still thinks of him as HER dad.  And now he can be even more of a REAL father to Mariah.  “I envy her.”  Austin tells Summer she’s better than Mariah, and Nick isn’t going to love her any less.  “Don’t get me wrong, I love Jack catering to me, but it KILLS me that Nick’s going to look at Mariah and see Cassie’s face, and he’s going to feel closer to her than he ever will towards me ever again!” 

 

Summer claims she knows it sounds petty and dumb, but she doesn’t think Mariah DESERVES to be a Newman!  Not when she could still hurt the family!  Summer deserves to be a Newman AND an Abbott and get all of everything from everyone always.  Stolen babies who steal any of her pie crumbs belong in Dumpsters.

 

Loving Faith tells Noah she’s excited about a new sister.  Noah says Summer's with Austin and is confused and shaken up, so I guess she’s pretty much normal.   Noah tells Faith to get in the kitchen and make him a sammich.  Sharon explains how Mariah took off as soon as she got there, and Nick went after her, but who knows if he can convince her to come back?

 

Nick finds Mariah in the park.  “I told you to stay away!”  Nick says she has no money and nowhere to go.  What is she planning to do?  “I’ll figure it out.  Being poor and alone is not anything new.”  Nick apologizes for getting closer to her just so he could find out what Ian was up to, so he could protect Sharon and his family.  “Got it.  They’re all that mattered, so go back to them.”  Nick can’t do that, not without her.  For the last time, she doesn’t WANT to be a part of his damn family.  What she wanted, she can’t have, so screw it!

 

Nick asks what she’s going to do?  Run off to creeper Ian?  Or Helen who doesn’t want anything to do with her?  Or someone like Tyler who will just use her (what??), or go do the dirty work for a man like Victor?  Mariah says go to hell!  “Is that a yes?” asks Nick.  Lol  Can he take her home now?

 

Nick isn’t saying this is going to be easy.  Maybe it’s going to be a disaster.  “Maybe?” asks Mariah.  Nick says she can’t undo her DNA or the fact that someone decent out there cares about her, and will love her always, no matter what.  Mariah says Sharon doesn’t deserve him.  “You don’t even know Sharon, or my family.”  She says she’s an outsider, but Nick says that’s her choice.  She still has a room there unless she’s gotten a better offer.  “Fine,” says Mariah.  “I’ll stay in town.  But I am NOT a kid, and I’m not ready to go home and play house with you people.”

 

Sharon is looking at a photo of Cassie.  Noah assures her that Dad will find Mariah.  Sharon wonders if Mariah being her daughter has anything to do with the secret, but realizes that doesn’t make sense.  Noah hates to say it, but he doesn’t trust Mariah.  She’s hurt Sharon before, and she’ll do it again.  But Sharon thinks love conquers all, even someone who probably has an attachment disorder.  Noah says maybe one day, but she can’t expect to become an instant mother.  Not to someone with Mariah’s problems.

 

Ashley bops into Billy’s office and asks if his papers are the contract for his archrival, the new chemist?  Nope, they’re the divorce papers Vicky served him on the anniversary of his proposal.  Awww, Ashley’s sorry and hugs him.  He says it’s time to face reality.  “Or NOT,” declares Ashley.  Is she how Billy got this way?  She didn’t think Billy was a quitter, and it’s not over til it’s OVER.  He needs to shut up and listen to her.

 

Abby is back at the bar after all for strategery with new hire chemist/doctor about how to market the new mystery fragrance.  Funny, that seems more like a job for a certain MBA from Stanford.  But let’s get the lab guy on it.  Their demographic is people who breathe “rarified air, someone who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything not seen on a European runway,” so I’m sure they will beat down the door for a Wisconsin perfume. 

 

The "chemist" thinks this seems a little crazy since they haven’t created any product yet.   Omg, these lab guys don’t know ANYTHING!  They engage in a rousing Stabby argument, and Victoria has come in, hovering in the background, watching.   You can feel her thinking, that’s funny, Stitch never argues like this at home.

 

Billy tells Ashley to save the sisterly advice.  She doesn’t have advice, she has a PLAN.  She says when she gets back from New York, if Stitch is still a distraction for Victoria…she’ll just have to make it her job..to distract him.  Wink, wink.  Billy smirks.

 

Stabby keeps bickering, and Victoria keeps feeling like a wallflower.  Good.  Stabby 4Evah!

 

Mariah angrily bustles into The Underground.   Austin asks if she’s okay.  Would they have released her from the hospital if she wasn’t, she snaps.  Austin’s like…okaaay.  She’s filling out some form, because she is DONE working for tips and Nick Newman’s charity.  What a responsible job quitter.  She looks over and sees the pwetty pwincess wearing the Ultimate Pout, the angry one with the narrowed eyes, like Mariah just knocked her ice cream cone on the ground.  Waaaahhh!!!!   Please, writers, PLEASE let Mariah steal Austin.  Mariah and Austin 4Evah!

 

Nick gets home and says he found Mariah in the park, and hopes he was able to talk some sense into her.  He thinks she’s off somewhere thinking, but she agreed to stay in town.  Sharon’s thrilled!  Nick says she’s going to be fine, she just needs some time to accept that her family is here.  Sharon says, “WE are her future, Nick!  Maybe now, you and the kids and I, we can all have the life we were meant to share together.”  They embrace.  Shick 4Evah!  An anvil crushes them.

 

Disappointed Victor tells Dr. Cutler he has to get back to Genoa City.  The doc will let him know if there are any changes.  Not if, WHEN, K?  Victor decides to actually check his phone and has 14 missed calls.  “What the hell is going on?” he grumbles.  Oh, your wife is hitting the booze and Ian Ward is terrorizing the countryside and your stepson is a murderer and Nick is adopting Mariah, but you just worry about your little obsession some more.  He tells his henchman to get the jet ready ASAP.  Apparently there’s something important going on.  I guess he’s not calling anyone back.

 

Victor is finally gone.  Phyllis is staring at her whiny brat’s photo.  “Summ-mmer,” she croaks.

Edited September 5, 2014 by peach

[peacheslatour]

Great post as usual, peach!  I imagine the very first thing I'd want to see is Count Chocula's hideous visage hovering over me, demanding ANSWERS! when I emerge from a one year coma!

 

Waahhh!! Summer should have ALL the things wahhh!

[peach]

Summer is like the whiny baby version of Veruca Salt.

[photo fox]

Stabby 4Evah!

Mariah and Austin 4Evah!

The possibility of these two hookups is the only thing keeping me going with this show right now. And Shick 14.0, but we all know the damn SEKRIT is going to blow that to hell, so there's no suspense there!

[peach]

My favorite part of the episode was Ashley shrugging off Stitch's "horrible" past.

.

Edited September 5, 2014 by peach

[thewhiteowl]

I really want NuPhyl to be a Walking Dead type Zombie now, SSSSummmmerrrrr, Suuuuuummmmmeeeerrrr. LMAO

Oh, Peach, you are the most entertaining thing about this show.

[peach]

I really want NuPhyl to be a Walking Dead type Zombie now, SSSSummmmerrrrr, Suuuuuummmmmeeeerrrr. LMAO

 

 

LOL!  That is hilarious.  Summer is safe, though, because zombies eat brains.

[AxellaJ]

Peach's recaps rock! But maybe "disgusted" should replace "disenchanted" in the thread title.  :-D

[Petunia13]

I don't like the title because "explain it like I'm lily.." Every recap would be "listen you bitch what the fuck is wrong with you? So this happened yesterday." And tailoring the narrative for someone who can't comprehend kindness or others feelings. As for disenchanted I don't think that spoiled brat is that word.

[kia112]

I love the title.  Please don't change it.

[peacheslatour]

Peach's recaps rock! But maybe "disgusted" should replace "disenchanted" in the thread title.  :-D

I'm thinking "disgruntled".

[AxellaJ]

I was only being facetious about changing the name! ;-)

[movinon]

I love the title.  Please don't change it.

I like the title, too - much better than the old one.  I'm not sure what Lily has to do with it, but I love the rest of it, for sure.  I don't really care what they call it, as long as Peach keeps doing the re-caps.  Love them!!

[peach]

Heeey, peeps.  Sorry I'm behind.  Busy with the family and sick with a fever and a bitch of a headache.  Y&R is just cruel and unusual punishment on top of that.  Trying to catch up a bit now.

[thewhiteowl]

Awww, Peach don't stress. Hope things get better. I appreciate the recaps anytime you choose to take that bullet for me.

[photo fox]

{{{peach}}}

We love the recaps, but take care of yourself and your family first!

[movinon]

Take your time - we will survive, probably.  Your recaps are worth waiting for, but I don't have much to laugh about right now.  Oh, just for kicks, I'm aging myself, but I became a great grandmother today at 12.32.  Beautiful little girl.

[Petunia13]

Peach feel better!!! Since Stitch is now a cosmetics chemist I sent Dr Barton over and if that doesn't work, Victurds coming by with a "anti fever non headache serum" okay?

[PatsyandEddie]

Movinon! How wonderful!!  Take care Peach!

[Blueeyes]

Hope you're feeling better.  Love, love, love your recaps but don't rush it. 

[miamama]

Take it easy Peach!! You are missed but please get well.

 

Maybe Left Phalange can do some Tweet-length recaps? I enjoy those, too. :)

[Petunia13]

Yea Left P . Use your left phelange or right hand and work your recap magic : )

Edited September 11, 2014 by Petunia13

[LeftPhalange]

Thursday, September 11: Unnecessary Conversations

 

In NYC, Chelsea has a sex dream about Billy but Adam suddenly appears and she abruptly awakens.

 

At Jabot, Billy looks at the divorce papers he just signed earlier because I guess this is something divorced people do? Hilary appears and they have an unnecessary conversation about his marriage officially being over and how Neil loves his job. Billy says going to work can be a relief from life's problems. Whatever. No one cares. Hilary leaves and Chelsea calls. They both miss each other and wish Billy was in NYC so they could have sex and eat cheetos or do whatever it is they do. Chelsea tells Billy about the sex dream and when he tells her about the divorce she stammers and makes up an excuse to end the call. She immediately calls back and confesses that she lied - she was freaked out. Billy love Vicki but they don't have a future right now and it's time to move on. When is Chelsea coming back? She gives him a vague answer and ends the call. Why are these people acting like this? Billy's marriage is over and Adam has been dead for eight months, which is the equivalent of two years in soap time. If they have feelings for each other why not do something about it and stop acting like stupid teenagers. Maybe Billy can buy Chelsea a burrito at the All Purpose Park and they can see where it leads.

 

At the Athletic Club, Devon and Lily have an unnecessary talk about Malcolm hopefully convincing Neil to accept help from his family.

 

At the All Purpose Park, Malcolm and Neil talk about Katherine's death and Phyllis being in a coma. They then have a necessary conversation about Neil and his blindness. Malcolm thinks Neil hasn't dealt with Dru's death and hops from one relationship to the next trying to recapture that magic. This is an extremely helpful and accurate description of Neil's love life so obviously he ignores it and insists his marriage to Hilary isn't a joke. Malcolm makes another extremely accurate and helpful observation when he says Neil is making his family miserable by putting up walls. Neil gets even more defensive and says he's going home - Malcolm can either stay at the park or help him. What will Malcolm do?  I think he would be better off eating a stale pretzel from the food truck and throwing up in the bushes.

 

At home, Nick tells Sharon that Mariah aka Fake Cassie aka Mariah soon to be Newman gathered her meager belongings and ditched her shift at the bar last night. Sharon is worried about her loser daughter and Nick says he will look for her while Sharon takes Faith to school. Whatever. Another unnecessary conversation.

 

At the knock off Starbucks, Kevin teases a grouchy, hungover, and raggedy looking Mariah. She asks him to help her get out of town. Nick shows up and bickers with Mariah about causing Sharon to worry and asks where she slept. Mariah tells him not to play daddy with her...unless they're in the bedroom. I'm sure she would be perfectly fine screaming out "Daddy" if it meant she finally got to ride Nick. Kevin reappears and Nick encourages him to be a friend to her. Later, Mariah goes on another unnecessary rant to Kevin about Nick.  Listen, I completely understand why someone wouldn't want anything to do with Nick and Sharon, but you need to be smart about this. Stop acting like a dumbass, suck it up and take the place of dead Cassie for a little while, and milk these freaks for all they're worth. If you play your cards right you'll get a Newman trust fund and then you can skip town.

 

Back at the Athletic Club, Sharon and Hilary have another unnecessary conversation about Mariah and Neil refusing to accept help. Sharon tells her to make some time for herself and have a life. Hilary mournfully looks over at Devon while she tells Sharon Neil is her life now. Lily and Devon come over and Lily thinks Hilary for supporting Neil. It's obvious she loves Neil and Lily is glad he has Hilary to count on. So obviously Hilary and Devon will be having sex pretty soon. Whatever. No one cares. This is probably the most worthless story on the show right now, which is saying a lot.

 

At Neil's place, he and Malcolm have another damn conversation about Neil's blindness. I guess Malcolm didn't take my advise about getting that stale pretzel. Malcolm tells Neil to get his shit together and Neil sobs and says he's scared. Malcolm is way more supportive than Neil deserves and they embrace. Later, the rest of the family stops by. Apologies are made, introductions are made, and hugs are given. Malcolm encourages Hilary and Devon to help Neil and says his goodbyes. Everyone can now go back to ignoring the Winters family. I wonder if Malcolm will make a trip to the food truck at the All Purpose Park on his way out of town.

[Petunia13]

LeftPhalange Awesome job!!!!

Super witty.

Edited September 12, 2014 by Petunia13

[Runningwild]

The least they could do is have Malcolm stop by for some shirtless basketball. Or a swim at Devon's rooftop pool!

[peach]

Thanks for all the well wishes, everyone.  :)

 

Great job, Left Phalange.  So funny. 

[radishcake]

Hope you are feeling better peach!

[movinon]

Left Phalange, what a fantastic job - I have been missing the recaps and this was really funny.  Thanks so much!!!

Edited September 12, 2014 by movinon

[peach]

Sorry to go out of order (sometimes my ADD competes with my OCD) but I already wrote it, lol.   Reminder that Friday was pre-empted so a Williams could win the U.S. Open, and Monday's episode got shown at 2 a.m.  It goes like this:

Mon, Sept 8, 2014

 

Mariah mocks Summer the Pouting Wonder, at The Underground.  She says this whole Cassie’s twin thing is like The Parent Trap, only with no British accent.  “Or the happy ending,” says Summer.  Austin watches apprehensively.  I hope this doesn’t affect his allowance. 

 

Mariah reminds Summer that there couldn’t be any sister bonding between them anyway, because Nick isn’t her real dad.  Burn.  “Or yours either,” retorts Summer.  Nyah nyah.  “The only difference is Nick actually raised me and considers me his daughter.”   Unfortunately for Mariah, Nick wants to play the doting dad to her too.  AS IF.  Summer is pissed that Mariah doesn’t think she’s the luckiest girl in the world.  But Mariah says she’s still hoping to find out this is all a lie, just like she did.  Double burn.  Summer pouts.

 

Jack is pleasantly waking up to a hand stroking his chest, and AAAHHH!!!!  OMG, IT’S PHYLLIS!!!  He wakes up screaming!!  Okay, not screaming yet, this is a new Phyllis, but he’s still pretty freaked out.  Kelly awakens.  “Jack?  What’s wrong?”

 

Dylan and Avery pop in on Paul.  He tells them the Mounties might have seen Ian Ward on the border.  Avery thinks Ian won’t really leave Genoa City, not when there is still money to obtain and people to harass.   Dylan frowns.  Paul gives him his word he’ll do whatever it takes to keep Nikki safe.

 

Meanwhile, Nikki’s back to fondling her vodka bottle, but Victor interrupts her, as usual.  Can’t a girl fondle her liquor in peace around here?  She looks lovely in a lime green jacket and black pants, btw, and only a little like a real estate agent.  He wants to know what’s going on, why are there police out there?  Oh, that’s just a little something PAUL did to keep her safe from Ian, a-heh-hem.

 

Nikki coldly gives Victor the short version of Ian evading his crappy security and harassing her, until Super Dylan showed up and rescued her, since Victor was nowhere to be found.  He’s incensed that she didn’t let him know!  Uh, hello, she left him lots of messages, but apparently they just said “Call Nikki” and not “Ian Ward is holding a hypodermic needle to my throat.”   How was he supposed to know?  She asks, “Where WERE you, Victor??”  Umm, not with Phyllis?

 

Jack pretends he was just panicked about oversleeping in the middle of the day.  She knows he has a lot going on at work with Neil being on medical leave.  But Jack’s not worried, because “one of the great things about being the boss” is not having to actually work.  So he’s free to shack up with Kelly all afternoon, who also doesn't have to work even though she's not the boss.

 

Paul’s got a CSI team on the way to ranch over a breaking and entering.  Dylan rants about how they’ve all promised to keep Nikki safe but somehow he managed to get to her!  Paul questions him again about where Ian ran when Dylan chased him, blah blah.  He says they will catch him and prosecute him.  This time they have Mariah’s testimony to put him away.  “And you can take that to the bank.”  Dylan looks confused.  He wasn’t going to the bank.

 

Summer charges the bar to get to ungrateful, little Mariah, but Austin holds her back.  “Uh-uh, you’re the good fake daughter, remember?” chides Mariah.  “And you are a horrible human,” says Summer.  “For months you almost drove Sharon crazy by posing as Cassie!”  On the orders of your grandpa, but he’s not a horrible human because trust funds.  Hey, Mariah apologized for that, but she’s not bowing down and kissing anyone’s feet.  Summer thinks maybe she should since she doesn’t even KNOW how good she’s got it.  She gets to be a bartender for Nick and sleep in the spare room!

 

Mariah’s not interested in Summer’s stupid family.  Summer wants to clue her in on how awesome Nick and Sharon are over that jerk Ian, but Mariah tells her she doesn’t know the first thing about her life or what she’s been through.  Oh YEAH?  Well, Mariah’s not the only one who’s had it rough!  She’s like, bitch, please.  The biggest problem you’ve ever faced is whether to get a Mercedes or a BMW.  Summer’s super offended!  Sometimes she has to choose a pony, too!! 

 

Peacemaker Austin interrupts and reminds Mariah that she doesn’t know any more about Summer’s life than Summer does about hers.  Well, she knows she traded in one rich daddy for another.  Austin says she also lost her mother.  Mariah’s like, hey, Sharon’s dying for a new daughter, why not hit her up?  Austin thinks that’s ridiculous.  You can’t just switch moms!  Where have you been, Austin?  “Apparently, these rich snobs can.”

 

These evil rich people want her to move into their big ass estate with their swimming pools and horses, but they can’t make her do such a horrible thing.  “I don’t fit in their world anymore than you do,” she tells Austin.  HEY, Austin fits in just FINE.  He LIKES the Barbie Townhouse, thank you very much.   “For now,” says Mariah, “but trust me.  It’s going to get really old pretending to be something that you’re not.”  Rich people are pretty damn handy for keeping you out of prison, though, you’ve got to give’em that.

 

She leaves to go clean out her locker.  THE Abby Newman has walked in and overheard.  She wonders why Sharon couldn’t just take in a stray puppy instead of that skanky witch.  Summer agrees she would prefer something fluffy and cuddly, and she could pet him, and squeeze him, and call him George.  But no, they’re stuck with Mariah.  She breaks it to Abby that Mariah is Cassie’s twin.

 

Victor is giving us a case study in abuser deflection and manipulation. Nikki still wants to know where he was.  “You’re in a mood,” chides Victor.  Hypodermic needle wielding psychos might do that to a person, but anyway, he was on an important business trip.   But family is his PRIORITY, even when he’s ignoring them during a crisis, she KNOWS that.  He TOLD Nicholas he could use his incompetent security team.  She asks if he thinks that’s enough.  Of course he does, duh. 

 

Nikki’s appalled.  After everything he’s put Sharon through?  After what’s happened with Mariah?  “Wait a minute!  Don’t you make me out to be the bad guy in this case!  Are you kidding?”  He was busy being the bad guy in Phyllis’s case!  Nikki tells him about the drugged kidnap wedding, and asks who should she blame for that?  Mariah didn’t ask for the abuse Ian gave her anymore than Nikki did. “The hell she didn’t,” says Victor.  Uh-oh.  “Oh, how dare you say that,” says Nikki.

 

Jack and Kelly are up and at’em.  They’ve finally let Kelly have her own clothes instead of Y&R hand-me-downs, and wear a dress that fits her, in GCRB of course.  She looks very pretty with Veronica Lake hair.  The movers are coming to take Phyllis’ crap to a storage facility.  Schizo Kelly says there’s no rush, for heaven’s sake, even though we had a whole episode about how she wanted it out of the house.  Redundant conversation about letting go of Phyllis because they just never talk about Italian cinema anymore.  Where has all the magic gone?

 

Phyllis stares into the abyss, and her friendly nurse wants to know why Dr. Cutler hasn’t called her family about her progress.  He thinks they should wait.  She’s like, uh, they’ve been waiting for over a year.  Now, now, they don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up because that’s how medicine works.

 

“Don’t you dare say that Mariah got what she deserved,” Nikki says to Victor, which of course, he goes on to do with some full-on victim blaming.  She says she can’t even talk to him about this anymore.  Once Paul finally finds Ian, all this will be over.  Well, Victor will not rely on PAUL WILLIAMS to protect her.  He’s taking matters into his own hands, K?  He DOUBLES security.  Wow, how do you double nothing?  “Where you yesterday when I needed you?” cries Nikki.  Uh, that’s also her fault, if she had called him, he would have been there, but she turned to Paul Williams.  Again!

 

Paul finds out it was NOT Ian on the border as Avery and Paul get ready to leave.  Darn.  He notices Dylan’s hand is bandaged.  Uh, he just cut himself…repairing something at the coffee house.  Mm-hmm.  Paul says it seems like something’s always [being destroyed] breaking there.  “And only one guy to fix it.”  Super Dylan.

 

Jack and Kelly blah blah.  Summer’s sad, but at least Austin the convicted felon makes her happy.  Jack is bummed that HE makes her so miserable all the time with free apartments, because he’s betrayed her so bitterly by having his own life. 

 

Abby is stunned to hear the “kidnapped at birth” story.  Even Summer and Abby have to admit how horrible things are for Mariah, despite how terrible she is.  But Summer just doesn’t get how Mariah doesn’t know how lucky she is now.  Summer would give anything to have HER mom back.

 

Mariah’s so frustrated she pounds on her locker.  Austin finds her and asks if she’s okay, but she snaps at him.  “Thought you could use a friend, my mistake.”  But Mariah doesn’t really want him to go.  She tells him Wifey would love that, the three of them hanging out and knocking back some beers.  Um, she doesn’t drink, says literalist Austin.  “Oh, that’s right.  Child bride, I almost forgot.” 

 

She suggests they double date…he and Summer, and she and her own criminal husband.  “You’re married??” asks Austin.  She doesn’t know if it counts if you’re drugged and kidnapped. She tells him what Ian did.  Austin’s like, OMG.  “I’m so sorry.”  She’s sorry, too, for her crap judgment, because it turns out her stand-in daddy is a liar and a perv.

 

Nikki and Victor argue about his bullshit security detail that ran all over town and didn’t protect the house, letting Ian break in and attack her.  “Then you should have called 911!”  Um, 911 = Paul Williams.  Victor berates her for turning to Paul as she always does, like when the journal got leaked.  She’s like, PAUL was IN the journal!  Also, he is the POLICE.  She yells at him for being too busy with this “business” of his.  He says she’s just using that as an excuse to keep him far away from her past life stuff.

 

More arguing about how she turned to Paul to look for her long lost baby, etc.  They shout about whose fault it was that Victor was gone.  She calls PAUL, because she can COUNT ON HIM when she needs him!  “Not like you.”  She grabs her purse and says she’s going someplace that’s good for her.  “Well,  you have a good time!” he barks and just shakes his head, like, these idiots.  Victor has to put up with so much.

 

Avery thinks Dylan needs to see a doctor for his cut hand.  Maybe he should call Stitch, or go to the ER, because Genoa City doesn’t have any Urgent Care centers.  She’s really just beating around the bush, because she wants to know how Dylan really cut his hand, and why he was throwing away a blood-covered shirt.  Gosh, he doesn’t remember, it must have been after he rushed off to help Nikki which was so important he couldn’t be bothered with bleeding hand stuff.

 

Austin has come back out to the bar, and Abby wants to know if the she-devil has finished cleaning out her locker so they can disinfect it and cleanse the bar of evil spirits.  Austin thinks that’s a little OTT, and says Abby should cut her a little slack because she’s really upset.  “SHE’S upset?” asks Abby.  Austin reminds them that they’ve all [committed crimes] made mistakes.  “She pretended to be Sharon’s dead daughter,” spits Summer.  “Yeah,” says Abby.  AFTER BEING HIRED BY YOUR GRANDPA AND DAD.   And she broke up Abby and Tyler’s Super [boring] Couple, so don’t ask her to be nice to her.

 

“Why are you defending her?” demands Summer.  Austin finally shows a smidgeon of contempt for her.  “Because she could use a friend right now,” says formerly friendless Austin.  “She just found out that who she thought was her mother isn’t, and someone else is…and I feel like you more than anyone would know what that feels like.”  Summer stares at the floor.

 

Nice Nurse checks on Phyllis.  She says if she keeps improving, she’ll be back with her family before she knows it.  She shows her a photo of Jack, and tells her that he sat by her bed for hours, holding her hand, just waiting for her to wake up.  “He loves you so much, Phyllis.  You need to keep improving so I can call him and tell him the good news.”  Phyllis blinks. 

 

Nice Nurse takes Phyllis’ gazillion dollar engagement ring OUT OF HER POCKET because she took it for safekeeping.  I’m sure Jack never wondered where THAT was.  She slides it back on Phyllis’ finger so an orderly can steal it five minutes from now.  Phyllis’ finger twitches while she stares and dreams of implanting that many carats on this Kelly bitch’s mouth. 

 

Jack and Kelly blah boring blah.  They’re both so sexy and smart and open-hearted and not going to waste life.  Kelly wants to have one last fling of the summer, so she’s going off to the store to buy food to…cook?  Oh, Kelly, you’re such a poor.  Jack can’t understand why cooking dinner would make her feel at home, but okay.  She rushes out the door and says to tell Mrs. Martinez she promises she won’t burn down the house!

 

Oh noes.  Kelly just triggered a Phyllis memory.  It’s a fake flashback!  Lol  New Phyllis and Jack are eating takeout Chinese food because that Phyllis almost burned down the kitchen, and they had to call cute firefighters to the rescue.  Big Red’s hair seems awfully dark brown.  Phyllis promises to stay OUT of the kitchen forever and ever, because she’s a sexay, cool, working woman and not some peasant who knows how to cook.

 

Mariah’s come back into the bar and says she’s returning Nick’s cheesy t-shirt.  “What AREN’T you returning?” snarks Abby.  Oh, whatever Abby feels like framing her for this time.   Newly shamed Summer says, “We don’t want to search you, Mariah, we know how tough things have been for you.”  Mariah’s like why are you being so…. She stares at Austin.  “You told them what I said!” she accuses. 

 

Austin is surprised.  He did not!  “You couldn’t wait to tell them how stupid and pathetic I am!  Did you all have a good laugh?”  Austin says no one thinks this is funny.  She knows what they’re all saying behind her back, that she got what she deserved.  Austin starts to say they’re sorry, but she tells him to take his phony concern and go to hell!  She flounces out. 

 

Summer’s like, wait, what?  “What did she tell you?”  Austin’s like, gee…it’s kinda private.  He doesn’t feel like he should be discussing Mariah’s personal business, not even with Sugar Summer.  Ha!  And he, uh, really has to get back to work.  Abby and Summer are like oh em gee.   Abby tells Summer she better watch out.  Tyler fell for Mariah’s whole “poor me” act and look where it got them.  Off my screen, that’s where it got them, so thank you, Mariah!  Summer frowns.

 

Victor has a meeting with another shark bait henchman.  He tells Victor that GCPD stopped Nikki’s security detail for some questioning, and she must have slipped out somehow.  He demands that Shark Bait go find her and report back to him.  Then he calls Paul and tells him to keep the frigging cops away from his property.  Well, he can’t do that while Ian Ward is at large, and his officers are gathering evidence.  Victor thinks they’re just in the way, but Paul can’t take any chances with her safety.  “YOU DO NOT WORRY ABOUT NIKKI.  I WORRY ABOUT NIKKI.”  Paul’s job is to find Ian. Paul says he can do that AND protect Nikki, but no, he will not.  “I PROTECT NIKKI,” shouts Victor, and he throws the phone down.

 

What Victor does is drive Nikki to drink.  She’s gone to the matchbook bar, and this time there’s no hesitating when she orders vodka on the rocks.  Along comes Meredith Baxter Birney!  Dang, she looks pretty good.  “I never expected to see you here,” says MBB.  Isn’t she a total stranger?

 

Avery is a little worried about what Dylan might do with Ian on the loose.  He claims he learned his lesson going after Austin and getting his liver chopped in half, so he’s letting Paul look for him.  “But I have a feeling we’re never going to see Ian Ward again.”  Nothing suspicious about that statement.  Avery stares.

 

A cop brings the forensic file from the Newman ranch to Paul.  There was blood in the driveway!  And two sets of footprints leading away from the house.  It’s being analyzed now in the bloodinator.*

 

Okay, MBB doesn’t KNOW Nikki, she just didn’t expect to see another classy alcoholic in a dive like this in the middle of the day.  Nikki lies and says her car broke down, and she’s waiting for a tow truck.  MBB admits she’s just there for the liquid courage.  She has to meet some smarmy judgmental people later and needs to calm her nerves. 

 

She asks if Nikki knows of the GCAC.  She does, indeed, it’s the only restaurant anyone’s allowed to eat in. MBB says she didn’t expect to find a classy place like that around these parts.  Nikki smiles condescendingly.  “You’re not from around here, are you?”  Nope.  It’s her first time to GC, so there’s no way for her to know it’s practically Paris fucking France.  “In that case,” toasts Nikki, “to new adventures!”  Hope you like inbreeding! 

 

Instead of looking for Nikki his own damn self, Victor calls Dr. Cutler and asks if there have been any improvements since two hours ago.  Um, no, Phyllis just opening her eyes after a year in a coma is already a major success.  “Success will be achieved when Phyllis tells me what’s on her mind.”  Victor demands he speed up the process.  “Maybe you give her an extra dose of anti-coma juice.”  He can hear Dr. Cutler rolling his eyes.  He asks how his board of directors will feel about the bribe he got from Victor.  Dr. Cutler acts kind of scared.  “Then get results!” demands Victor, and he throws his phone down again.   Even Victor’s phone is getting abused today.

 

Jack signs off to send the rest of Phyllis’ boxes out the door.  His phone rings, but he can’t hear anyone on the other end.  It’s Phyllis blinking.  Blink, blink, blink.

 

*credit to comic Tommy Johnagin for the term "bloodinator."

[peacheslatour]

 

“And you can take that to the bank.”  Dylan looks confused.  He wasn’t going to the bank.

*DEAD*

[movinon]

Welcome back, Peach.  I hope things are getting better at home.  Loved the recap, and looking forward to the new ones.   

[jodo]

Welcome back, Peach.  I hope things are getting better at home.  Loved the recap, and looking forward to the new ones.   

Know you are missed Peaches and thanks for fitting us in.  Also hope things are on the mend!!

[LeftPhalange]

I'm going to do the recap for Friday because I have something to say about my favorite couple Nick and Sharon.

 

Friday, September 12: Where is IanWard?

 

Sharon and Faith come home from shopping and Nick announces that he and Sharon have to go off somewhere. Noah has nothing else going on in his life and his cop girlfriend is probably busy not solving crimes so Faith is being pawned off on him. Does Noah even have any friends? Later, Summer arrives to take over babysitting duties. Faith tells Summer that she's still her favorite sister. I guess we're supposed to find this heartwarming or something. Summer tells Noah that Mariah is their blood - she's not. It's like (Saint) Cassie has come back to life. Will the multiple celebrations and memorials that happen every year continue now that Sharon and Nick have a new daughter? How long until one of them accidentally calls her Cassie. Noah tells her not to make it a competition. Summer says she loves Jack but isn't sure she'll ever truly accept the change in her paternity. I didn't know that Summer loved Jack. When did this happened? Must have been during one of the many times they've spent hanging out and bonding...off screen. The topic turns to Kelly and Noah encourages her to let her in. I'm not sure why. Noah seems to have finally realized who his parents are and learned to stop getting invested in their various romantic pairings so he should be passing this advice on to his sister.

 

 

On the Knockoff Starbucks patio, Dylan and Avery talk about giving Paul a gift at his award party. Why is Paul receiving an award? Instead of offering decent health insurance I guess the PD just hands out awards to their people whenever they get hurt on the job. Anyway, Dylan made him fishing lures. K. You should have bought him one of those talking baby dolls so maybe Cricket would shut up about having a baby. Avery says he's very good with his hands. *insert porn music* Avery wants to talk about his feelings about Paul and Dylan says he's ready to be his friend. Dylan ushers Avery out, saying something important is about to go down in the other room and they can't be there. Inside, Nick brings a blindfolded Sharon into the coffee house which is decorated to recreate their college Polynesian dance. Wait, Sharon went to college? Did she actually manage to get a degree in something? Anyway, Nick says he loves her and always will...until some new woman comes along. They reminisce about the first time Nick proposed. Nick says it made sense then and it makes sense know. He proposes again and she accepts. Aww OMG this is so precious. The two lovebirds are engaged once again. I wonder who the maid of honor will be. Probably Hilary. Maybe Summer. Either of them would be lucky to be a part of such a wonderful and special event and I hope they realize that. This will be the wedding of the year. Maybe even the decade. I wonder if Sharon and/or Nick will cheat before THESECRET comes out. Instead of wasting money and forcing people to clear their schedules to come to this wedding, how about they just go on down to the courthouse and get married or pull a Victor and get married on a Newman jet. I sincerely hope these two people have a long and happy marriage. Just kidding! These people are ridiculous.

 

 

At the station, Paul and Michael talk about waiting for the DNA results for the blood on the Newman driveway. Michael reminds him he's having dinner with Cricket but Paul says he may have to cancel. I'm sure investigating a crime is much more thrilling than having dinner with his wife who will nag him about having a baby and complain about Nikki. The forensics report arrives and says the blood on the driveway was IanWard's. This is shocking. Has something bad happened to IanWard? Paul leaves to go do some police work and Jeff randomly shows up to complain about a parking ticket. Jeff wants Michael's help and he'll give him something in return. Jeff tells him he heard Paul say IanWard's car was found at the racetrack and mentions that Dylan was also there. OMG. Did Dylan do something bad to IanWard?

 

 

At the Abbott mansion, Kelly tells Jack she's going to meet her mother for coffee. No one cares. Correction, one person cares - Jack. He wants to meet her. Of course. Kelly says it's not the best time. Of course it's not. She tells him she was always distant from her mother and things got worse after her dad died. Jack thinks he could help. Of course he does. Jack, Kelly and and her brother are always lying and trying to hide their past. Maybe it's time for you to do a background check.

 

 

At the ranch, Victor wants to know why Nikki isn't ready for Paul's party. She doesn't think they should go. Bickering ensues. Nikki complains about Victor always going away on business and he lies and says he'll stick around and not argue with Paul at the party. Nikki worries Cricket will say means things about her and Victor reassures her. Nikki, if Cricket tries to come for you just remind her that you have thee kids, including one with her husband, while she has none. Then hit her in the head with one of your empty vodka bottles.

 

 

At the Athletic Club, Cricket says boring stuff about Paul's party and then complains some more about not having a baby. She asks Lauren about Michael and she lies and says they're fine. Upstairs in Maureen's suite, she and her stalker son talk about ThatWoman who happens to be his sister. Maureen complains about Kelly always being closer to her dad. Ben tells his mother she doesn't have to stay but says she wants to face her demons. *"Demons" by Imagine Dragons starts playing*. The Mother insists Ben gets a paternity test and then learns the mother is Vikki Newman. Dollar signs appear over her eyes. Kelly arrives with Jack, who gushes about Kelly even more than usual. It's disgusting. I almost threw up. The Stalker mentions he'll be working for Ashley and Jack is quick to point out that he'll actually be his boss. The Mother thinks Kelly is lucky to have a man like Jack. Multiple dollar signs literally flash across the screen. The Mother seems like a great woman so I'm not sure why Kelly didn't get along with her much. Methinks Kelly is just a hater. Jack corrects her and says he's the lucky one. Jack, stop acting like this. You stop it RIGHT NOW. Are you a 16 year old who's trying to get your girlfriend to put out? Downstairs, Nikki and Victor, Avery and Dylan arrive. Victor thanks Dylan for protecting Nikki from IanWard. Nikki is proud of Dylan. You guys, Dylan protected Nikki by doing something bad to IanWard. Or so we're being lead to believe. Everyone wonders where Paul is. He's in his car crying because all he does is investigate his friends and listen to his annoying wife talk about stuff. Avery mentions that Michael worked late the other night. This isn't some harmless offhand comment by the way. The writers are clearly laying the groundwork for Lauren to start suspecting Michael and Avery are having an affair. Super clever you guys. Paul appears and looks disapproving of the party in his honor but manages to accept everyone's congratulations on being chosen for the distinguished citizen award. Not sure why Paul is getting an award for bring a distinguished citizen, but whatever. Paul just wants to go home and eat bacon while watching old people TV shows. Michael pulls Paul away from this lively celebration to tell him Dylan was spotted at the racetrack. Paul tells Dylan he will have to question him at the station. Of course. All of Paul's other friends and family have been interrogated by him so I guess it's Dylan's turn now. Meanwhile, Maureen spots Nikki and calls her "Sherry". Victor hears.

 

 

Kelly and Jack return to the Abbott mansion to find "welcome home" flowers for Kelly from Summer. Barf. Don't get comfortable Kelly, this is just the place where you'll be sleeping until Jack proposes to Phyllis again.

 

 

In Georgia, Phyllis says something unintelligible in her sleep and thrashes around. Suddenly she sits upright and lets out a loud and very funny scream. "Nooooooooo!" She probably heard Jack talking about moving on with ThatWoman and she won't stand for it. Hopefully Phyllis is on her way back to GC to put an overdose of one of Victor's medications in Kelly's drink.

Edited September 13, 2014 by LeftPhalange

[thewhiteowl]

Didn't NuPhyl's funny scream happen right after Sharon said yes to Nick's proposal?

[peacheslatour]

Great stuff Lefty!

[Joimiaroxeu]

Didn't NuPhyl's funny scream happen right after Sharon said yes to Nick's proposal?

Yep. The implication wasn't very subtle at all. I'm hoping though that Phyllis isn't going to go back to trying to steal Nick from Sharon. Odds are they're going to break up anyway and I need Phyllis to concentrate on proving that Kelley (or Maureen?) is the one who hit Delia.

[peach]

Does anyone want me to fill in the gap on Tue-Wed or are we moving on?

[jodo]

Does anyone want me to fill in the gap on Tue-Wed or are we moving on?

I am sure we would all love to read those recaps but also want to be easy on you so moving on sounds like a plan!

Does anyone want me to fill in the gap on Tue-Wed or are we moving on?

I am sure we would all love to read those recaps but also want to be easy on you so moving on sounds like a plan!

[peach]

I know a few people have said they read this in lieu of watching the show, so I guess I'll fill it in.  I have a little time since it's the weekend, I just didn't want it to get annoying if it's too much back and forth.  Tuesday was a bit of a filler episode.

[jodo]

I know a few people have said they read this in lieu of watching the show, so I guess I'll fill it in.  I have a little time since it's the weekend, I just didn't want it to get annoying if it's too much back and forth.  Tuesday was a bit of a filler episode.

YAY!!  I didn't want to be selfish so looking forward to it!!

[AxellaJ]

Didn't NuPhyl's funny scream happen right after Sharon said yes to Nick's proposal?

 

Jeez! I hope they're not going into the realm of sci-fi here (the Dr did say that Phyllis could be "different" than she was before).

 

PLEASE, don't give her any special powers! I don't want her reading minds or any of that silly stuff.