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Petunia13

Jokes!

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Here's a silly one (and original as far as I can determine) for fans of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century:

Q: What is Twiki's favorite album by The Who?

A:

Spoiler

Meaty Beedee Beedee Big and Bouncy.

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This jack off told me one a week ago. 

"What's your favorite hazardous material?"

"mines asbestos....I like it as bestest??

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I almost hate that I am old enough now -- 52 -- to really appreciate the profound humor here.  

If this image goes away, please let me know.  I will re-upload my personal copy.  

older.jpg

Edited by 33kaitykaity
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22 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

Number four is what made me snicker.

Yep, and number eight made me smile because that's so my sense of humor.  

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My two favorites . . .

1. Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

A: If we stick together we can stop this shit!

 

2. Two fish are swimming along happily when all of a sudden they both swim headfirst into a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other fish and says, "Dam."

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A dumb one for the Star Trek: NG fans:

Q: What does Picard say when he wants someone to do a half-assed job?

A:

Spoiler

"Make it so-so!"

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1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

@HoosierJen, I just told my middle-schooler the butt cheek joke. He enjoyed it quite a bit. As did my brother, who is a middle school teacher. 

I'm a middle school teacher as well! We must all have the same sense of humor.

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Yay, middle school humor!  Read the Percy Jackson books by Rick Riordan.  He was a middle school teacher for a long time and most of the books are full of it.  Two of my favorite passages (the first is from The Titan's Curse; our heroes are at the Hoover Dam):

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The second is from The Son of Neptune (Hazel is being carried away by a bunch of karpoi, evil grain spirits):

p909XDl.jpg

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what did Lochte after his teammates told the police what really happened?

-"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medelling kids!"

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On August 20, 2016 at 7:49 AM, Petunia13 said:

what did Lochte SAY after his teammates told the police what really happened?

-"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medelling kids!"

We can no longer edit posts? 

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OK, I've cleaned this up a bit but here goes:

 

Two middle-aged women were sitting on a front porch and one said to the other ' Oh, no! My husband's carrying a dozen red roses! Looks like I'll have a sore woo-hoo in the morning!'

  Woman #2 said' Oh, I solved that problem years ago!'

This startled Woman #1 because Woman #2 was far from the brightest bulb in the tulip bed.

  Woman #1 replied' Really? How?'

Woman #2 gloated," Easy!

Spoiler

 I told MY husband to use a vase!'

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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the husband asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The wife said, "No sweetie." The husband said, "I'm sure you would." 

So the wife said, "Okay, I would"

Then the husband asked, "Would you let him sleep in our bed?"

And the wife replied, "Yes, I guess so." 

Then the husband asked, "Would you let him use my golf clubs?" 

And the wife replied, "No, he's left handed."

 


 

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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

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When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the questions required rearranging the letters "PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part, which is most useful when erect." 
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes on the internet.

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The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

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The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

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Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.

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