Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

@DkNNy79 No, I didn't. He didn't take photos where you could tell how short he was and I checked his profile when I got home. He doesn't have his height listed although there's a space for that.

[DkNNy79]

5 hours ago, roseslg said:

@aradia22, definitely no to a second date.  I hate when people are misleading about their height, well just misleading in general.   Next!

Agree.  Embellish their height, use old or blurry photos...etc

[aradia22]

Not to get into all the details but I went out with Mr. Psych again. We met up in the morning to get tickets for a show and then ended up getting breakfast and sitting and talking outside. Then we met up again later at night. He was late so we missed the first minute or two of the show. I feel like we're really comfortable with each other. I'm still seeing other people. I don't know if he is. But at least when we're together it feels like we're dating. One concern is that when we talk for a long time we seem to get into these heavy conversations about society and psychology and life and whatnot and while we can make each other laugh, it's not really romantic. Another concern is that we kiss hello and goodbye and it's always very brief. Not a peck exactly but a quick closed-mouth press of the lips. It's difficult to feel any sparks. I mean, I appreciate that he's not trying to take advantage in any way but right now it's feeling a little too friendly or alternately, like we skipped the initial stages to jump into casual coupledom. I'll probably keep seeing him. I have no problem seeing him again. I just don't know how to determine if there's ever going to be a romantic spark.

[DkNNy79]

17 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Not to get into all the details but I went out with Mr. Psych again. We met up in the morning to get tickets for a show and then ended up getting breakfast and sitting and talking outside. Then we met up again later at night. He was late so we missed the first minute or two of the show. I feel like we're really comfortable with each other. I'm still seeing other people. I don't know if he is. But at least when we're together it feels like we're dating. One concern is that when we talk for a long time we seem to get into these heavy conversations about society and psychology and life and whatnot and while we can make each other laugh, it's not really romantic. Another concern is that we kiss hello and goodbye and it's always very brief. Not a peck exactly but a quick closed-mouth press of the lips. It's difficult to feel any sparks. I mean, I appreciate that he's not trying to take advantage in any way but right now it's feeling a little too friendly or alternately, like we skipped the initial stages to jump into casual coupledom. I'll probably keep seeing him. I have no problem seeing him again. I just don't know how to determine if there's ever going to be a romantic spark.

Everything sounds very promising.  If you like spending time with him, that's a good sign.  It can be awkward to get a "real" kiss in when you're out in public.  Do you get butterflies in your stomach in anticipation of your date?

[roseslg]

You could always just kiss him!  

[DeLurker]

@aradia22 - maybe next time invite him to do something that is just lighter and where deep conversations are not the norm.  Going to the Delurker Dating Playbook of Yore, if I wasn't sure how things were going or where I wanted them to go, I would invite someone to the beach with me to fly a kite (literally).  It would be late in the afternoon, very casual, a blanket, maybe something to drink and my kite*.

I'm guessing a park or open field would work too.

The playbook also had inviting people to play frisbee (I was pretty good at frisbee and could supply my own) or going to a playground to swing and/or play on monkey bars.  I'd guess it would be pretty hard to have a mature conversation while hanging upside down because I never once had a mature conversation while at a playground.  But I got a chance to see another dimension of the person that wasn't shielded by job, education, political leanings, etc...and they got a chance to see a less guarded me.

If the conversations keep turning deep on your dates with him, just tell him straight out that you've noticed your (mutual) discussions have veered into some pretty heavy/abstract/global/esoteric topics and you need a lighter conversation because you had a hell of a week and need a change of pace.

* It should be noted that I still have the kite.  In younger days it was always kept in my car (along with my frisbee) because you never know when you might need it.  They weren't just dating tools - me and my friends used them a lot.

[possibilities]

I think you should just ask for what you want. If you can't speak up, you rely on the other person to always read your mind, and it's way too much pressure to put on someone you've just met. Communication is key to any successful relationship, and it takes two people to come at it as equals. I think it's great you feel comfortable, and can get off superficial topics. It's a good start! I would press on, and see if the other areas can work, before writing him off.

[DkNNy79]

So a guy that I dated previously (a month or two) and have mentioned in this post has started texting me again.  Not the last guy I dated, but a younger guy that I really liked.  Things didn't work out because a) he was always cancelling on me and b) we started off communicating really well and then it sorta stopped and became less frequently.  He would text me out of the blue once in awhile.  Last xmas for advice on a bike for his sister, since he knows I'm into biking.

Recently he bought a mountain bike and asked for advice on trails to go on.  While I don't mountain bike, I know people who do and got the info for him.  I thought he was going to stop there because that's what he did last time, but he kept the conversation going.  We kinda briefly caught up on whats going on in our lives and we found out that we're both still single.  He's definitely instigating the conversation, because I would give answers/responses to his texts that could definitely end a conversation but he keeps it going.

So, we're going to meet up on Wednesday for dinner/drinks in a friend capacity and we both know that going in.  We'll see how this works.  I've never tried just being friends with a guy I've dated previously.

[KittyMom4]

On 6/2/2016 at 4:39 PM, DkNNy79 said:

Agree.  Embellish their height, use old or blurry photos...etc

I'm new here but have been reading this with rapt attention, as I have done the on-line dating cesspool.  This ^ was my #1 pet peeve.  I went on several first dates where the man who showed up looked nothing like the photo on his profile.  One guy listed his height as 5'4", I'm 5'4", but when I met him he was at least an inch shorter than me, and I wore flats.  He was also adverse to cats, even though my profile said I had 3 and they weren't going anywhere so if you don't like cats, don't bother.  Then there was the guy whose photos were kinda blurry, and he didn't smile in any of them.  Well I found out why, he had the nastiest set of choppers I had ever seen on a person. Yellow, crooked and slimy looking.  I understand not everyone can afford the cost of braces, but basic dental hygiene was lost on this guy, and he thought he was the sh*t!  When I didn't fall all over him he became adversarial and attempted to make fun of my interests & hobbies, so I stood up and told him it was nice meeting him and good luck.  He walked out ahead of me without holding the door.  

I did end up meeting my current beau of 8 months on-line, his pics were current, his interests were honest and he was upfront about what he was looking for. I don't understand why people lie in order to attract someone, since you are beginning on a falsehood, how could you ever expect to be matched to the correct person?    

[aradia22]

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Do you get butterflies in your stomach in anticipation of your date?

No. And I guess that's part of the problem. I'm a "make things happen" kind of girl. If it was as simple as wanting him to make out with me, it would be different. But there's an uncertainty there and I don't know if it's just going to take time or if we're just better off as friends. I should mention that from what he's told me of his dating history, he seems like a bit of serial monogamist. He also reminds me a bit of the guy I dated for the longest time (only 10 or so dates) who I stopped seeing because he was horribly wet kisser. But also because my friend would always joke with me that I might end up married to him just because it was easy. Obviously I'm not thinking that far ahead but there's a similar kind of... easiness here. But I'm hoping I'll come back from our next date and report butterflies. Who knows?

[ratgirlagogo]

7 hours ago, DkNNy79 said:

I've never tried just being friends with a guy I've dated previously.

Some of my best long term friendships have ended up being with people I used to date.  It doesn't always happen obviously so good luck.

[aradia22]

So I was supposed to go on a first date tomorrow and normally I would not do this but the wording is just...

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Hey. I'm sorry, but I am actually about to delete my profile. And I'm going to have to call off the date. I'm about to commit to a relationship with someone so no more dates for me. I was going to delete it tomorrow morning at work, but since you messaged me, I thought I'd tell you now. I can't stand when people disappear on me for no reason, so I wanted to be upfront with you about it instead of you wondering why I'm suddenly gone.

It happened very recently, so there wasn't really any time between then and tomorrow.

Why, guys? No, I 100% do not believe that you needed to wait until the day before and only because I messaged to cancel on me. I'm generally not annoyed because I care (I've learned to not spend too much time sending messages before a first date) but because it screws up whatever plans we had and I usually can't scramble to make other plans. Basically, I'm tired of my time being wasted.

[DeLurker]

That message does seem odd...but better that this comes up before you have spent any of time face-to-face with him.  I suspect that would have been a bigger waste of your time.

[ZaldamoWilder]

aradia I know the process can be frustrating at times and it's probably difficult to look at it from his perspective, but I appreciate his honesty.  I appreciate that despite whether the reason is true or not, he's about to be unavailable and is telling you so when, you know from having done this yourself, he didn't have to, he could've just stopped talking/texting with no explanation.   Forgive me if I'm reading into it but it almost sounds like you're more irritated at not being able to make substitute plans than at the prospect of not meeting him?   No shade, either way, I say that to say I think it's better than being ghosted.  Anyway, I do hope it gets smoother dealing with prospects.  Dating isn't as easy as it should be. 

[aradia22]

@ZaldamoWilder No, you're not reading into it. That's exactly what I'm saying. Getting too invested before a first date is just setting yourself up for disappointment. I guess because the last minute cancel happens more to me than ghosting, I find it more irritating. Especially on okc with the high volume of messages, I've learned that "ghosting" is less intentional and more of a part of the process if you don't make the effort to meet quickly. Of course things are different after you've gone on a date but even then it's rare that things are going well and one person just stops responding. Usually it's that there are signals the other person is not picking up on. I messaged Mr. Quiet Smile and it seems like we're meeting tonight instead. 

[ZaldamoWilder]

12 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

@ZaldamoWilder No, you're not reading into it. That's exactly what I'm saying. Getting too invested before a first date is just setting yourself up for disappointment. I guess because the last minute cancel happens more to me than ghosting, I find it more irritating. Especially on okc with the high volume of messages, I've learned that "ghosting" is less intentional and more of a part of the process if you don't make the effort to meet quickly. Of course things are different after you've gone on a date but even then it's rare that things are going well and one person just stops responding. Usually it's that there are signals the other person is not picking up on. I messaged Mr. Quiet Smile and it seems like we're meeting tonight instead. 

Ok, this kinda jumped out at me.  Can we talk about this for a minute?  When you make plans, are they things you have suggested or his idea?  Asking because dating can get expensive.  Maybe they want to meet but not start with [fill in your date idea] to see if you guys have chemistry..?  Is there anything you can remember consistently saying before meeting up that may be affecting getting together?  I'm spitballing, the simple explanation is that they could just all be wishy washy jerks.

[aradia22]

It's generally my suggestion because in my experience guys have terrible ideas like "drinks," "Netflix and chill," "sit in a park," and the like where "dinner" starts to feel like something creative and thoughtful. (Mostly joking.) But when I do make suggestions, especially for a first date, I try to keep it below the price of a dinner. For example, we were going to see a show with $15 tickets. I will say that if I feel like we would have chemistry based on our messages or his profile or something like that I am more open to cheaper date options like a museum or going to get ice cream. 

Thinking back, the last minute cancels have all been guys that I spent way too long messaging with. 

[ZaldamoWilder]

oh then I got nothin. 

what's too long?  is there a number of messages or days this should go on before one of you says hey let's get together? if so, what is it?

[aradia22]

It's OK. I'm over it already. Like @DeLurker said, it's better to know these guys are a waste of time early on.

I feel like there tends to be a lot of back and forth asking about each other's lives and interests and finding the right time to schedule a date. I usually bring up scheduling a date pretty early (after learning from experience), so it's just a matter of finding a time and activity that works. Generally I've learned to be wary of guys who seem to have this expectation that you're there to entertain them when it comes to online interactions. 

[aradia22]

Second date with Mr. Quiet Smile. I was a few minutes late so we didn't have much time to talk before the show. Oh, I picked a bad one. It wasn't a terrible show. Just, not the kind of thing you bring a guy to. But he definitely gets points for sitting through it. Then we went to the lounge upstairs and got nonalcoholic drinks and chatted a bit but as people filled the room it was getting loud so we just walked. He suggested getting dinner but neither of us knew the area so he ended up just walking me to the subway. I still find him a bit boring. If anything, it was harder to make conversation without a meal as distraction. But I do still find him attractive and I did feel some tiny sparks when he kissed me which hasn't happened since Mr. Makeout. But maybe that's just the baseline of me finding him attractive and him not being a bad kisser. I don't know.

[DeLurker]

I don't get it - if it is a dating site, why would you even be looking at someone who is geographically undesirable?  Not you, @nosleepforme, but the guys contacting you.

And clearly your profile is getting a response, so perhaps you are not marketing yourself in a way that grabs the attention of the local area?

I think the online dating atmosphere is similar to going to a club - you scan the crowd and see if someone looks interesting to you; you don't think of it as a democratic process where all members of the crowd need to be given the same amount of consideration.  If a guy in a club walked up and asked you to dance or have a drink, a simple "no thank you" is not a rude response.  I've never felt compelled to say more than that (but I am ancient, so who knows what you youngsters are up to?) so I wouldn't see a need to explain further because it is online.

[aradia22]

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I think I'm actually gonna have to cancel on you :/ Sorry to do it at the last minute like this. Full disclosure, an ex recently popped back into my life, and I kind of want give her a chance.

I think I deleted most of the others. The pattern and the fact that it's always last minute is what is getting to me. The wording is irrelevant.

Quote

I'm starting to think I really suck at this online dating thing. It's just really frustrating. Most of the guys that text me are from different countries and though that's where my preference goes anyway, it's not like that's really going to lead anywhere (strangely like 60% of the guys that text me are Brazilian, seems like I should move to Brazil?) .  The guys in the area that I am really interested in usually never text me back and the guys from my area who text me are either 1.) guys I'm really not interested in and/or 2.) guys old enough to be my father. I don't mind responding and having nice conversations with those guys, but I also don't want to get their hopes up, so recently I've also been on the "not responding" side and I have been feeling like a total douchebag. Though politely rejecting someone is basically the same as not responding. So, it's basically a "no win" situation either way.

You can't think that way and succeed at online dating. What site are you using? Almost all the good sites have ways of filtering by preference and filtering out people who don't fit your criteria. You shouldn't even be seeing the messages from way older guys or guys who don't live anywhere near you. You're not obligated to talk to anyone and look at it from their perspective. They must know it's not going to go anywhere. They're out there to waste your time. Now, sure, once in a while someone seems interesting and I'll talk to them a bit in a pen pal fashion but I don't think of them as a dating prospect and I don't let it overwhelm me or take away from time I could be using to find someone eligible near me. Now, this is the advice that's hard to take. You have to be proactive. That's why I complain every so often it feels like another job. You have to look for those guys you'd be interested in and send a high volume of messages, knowing that you're going to get a low number of responses. That's just the game. The initial phase is not about anyone's feelings. You can worry about that when you actually go on a date.

[DkNNy79]

10 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

I actually thought his message was really respectful, though I do think that you shouldn't go on dates with different people around the same time. I know, dating is a numbers game, but I don't know, if you are truly interested in someone you're not trying out alternatives simultaneously. But that might be just me.  Though, then again, I'm not going on dates, maybe I'm just a little bit naive there and maybe I'm a little bit hypocritical, I'm texting with different guys after all (though there is no real option of meeting those guys because they live too far away, so it's more like friendly conversations with nice people from abroad). 

I'm starting to think I really suck at this online dating thing. It's just really frustrating. Most of the guys that text me are from different countries and though that's where my preference goes anyway, it's not like that's really going to lead anywhere (strangely like 60% of the guys that text me are Brazilian, seems like I should move to Brazil?) .  The guys in the area that I am really interested in usually never text me back and the guys from my area who text me are either 1.) guys I'm really not interested in and/or 2.) guys old enough to be my father. I don't mind responding and having nice conversations with those guys, but I also don't want to get their hopes up, so recently I've also been on the "not responding" side and I have been feeling like a total douchebag. Though politely rejecting someone is basically the same as not responding. So, it's basically a "no win" situation either way. 

I'm the same way.  I am uncomfortable dating multiple people at the same time, even if its in the early stages.

I get a lot of older gentleman as well, don't know why.  I usually don't respond as well.  If someone pays me a compliment, I will try and say thank-you.  I know my biggest problem is that I'm not pro-active and I have to try and fix that. 

[JTMacc99]

9 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

I think older guys are generally looking for someone younger. I don't exactly know why. 

There is probably some good Googling to be done on this topic.  I know I found some stuff once about why younger women find older men attractive, but I never bothered to look up the other side of it.  Probably because my gut reaction was "because we can".

But let me put my own thoughts on this, being a man in his forties who would absolutely follow the pattern of men who would draw the number line of ages he would date, and you would find his own age very close to the high number.  To be fair, I would prefer to date somebody around my age, but it's more about life stage and life experience than it is actual age.  It would be much harder for me to fit a 46 year old woman who has no children into my life right now than it would be a 36 year old who has two grade school aged children like me.

And sure, there are some 46 year old women with 9 year old children out there, but the population who fit that description tends to skew younger.

And then there is the idea that if I've picked up an awful lot of life and relationship skills in the last 10-15 years. It sure would be nice to have another crack at it, because I'll bet I can put all of that stuff into a relationship that will blossom into what I should have developed the last time.

I also realize that I might be not the type of person we are talking about here.  As you can see, I'm coming at this from an angle of where I sit with raising my family right now.  I get the sense that we're more talking about single men, age 45-55 who either don't have children or do not have primary custody of their children looking to date women in their 20s.  At which point, it goes back to my gut feeling of "because they can."

Another thought, and this comes from personal experience, if you are a man going back into the dating pool in your mid-forties and you have the opportunity to date somebody who hasn't experienced an additional 10-15 years of pain and bullshit that you've been through, it's not the worst thing.  You probably have enough baggage for both of you.  When you both have a world of shit in your history, it's a lot of shit to walk around.

[Enigma X]

I have debated on whether or not to join in on this thread for a while now for many reasons. Part of me would like some advice, another part would like to see how other people are handling dating online, then another part wants to know which sites people use and find more valuable and why, but there is a huge part of me that is thinking who I am looking for is not looking for me.

When I started this post, I thought I was ready to join in this thread, but I am again feeling as if I am not. I am scurrying back to my safe place now. :-)

[DkNNy79]

1 hour ago, Enigma X said:

I have debated on whether or not to join in on this thread for a while now for many reasons. Part of me would like some advice, another part would like to see how other people are handling dating online, then another part wants to know which sites people use and find more valuable and why, but there is a huge part of me that is thinking who I am looking for is not looking for me.

When I started this post, I thought I was ready to join in this thread, but I am again feeling as if I am not. I am scurrying back to my safe place now. :-)

No don't leave, join the conversation!

[Enigma X]

9 minutes ago, DkNNy79 said:

No don't leave, join the conversation!

I am not leaving but lurking until I have the courage/strength to join in. 

[roseslg]

@Enigma X, you asked a lot of really good questions, not sure if you want them answered or not.  A lot of it depends on what/who you are looking for.  Why do you feel who you're looking for is not looking for you?  You never know really unless you try.  I think if you do want to be successful at it, you have to really be comfortable with who you are and know what you bring to the table.   I have a dear, sweet friend, and one of my greatest hopes (his as well) is that he finds someone.  His expectations for a guy and a relationship are unrealistic though, because he has waaay too many issues about himself and would never really be happy with anyone because his expectations are too high and he refuses to deal with his problems.    I think the group here is welcoming without being judgmental.   Don't lurk, participate!  What do you have to lose?  You are on the internet!

[Enigma X]

Part of reluctance to comment on this thread really has a lot to do with my perception that I will pretty much be a lone wolf in some of my opinions about the subject. 

Some background on me: I am reclusive and socially inept. This does not mean that I don't have a personality; I have a quirky sense of humor and very passionate about certain things. My first real relationship was later than most peoples and with someone I met online. It lasted four years. I broke it off because I felt I was being taken for granted. It was surprising to my ex that I would break it off. We still talk every now and again. 

About four years after that, I met someone online again. We dated for three years, until recently. I had to move across country for a job. We were planning to start a family together. We also still talk.

Anyway, I am now in a place filled with families and attached people. Those who aren't attached wear those reasons on their sleeves. I am debating to look online again. Since I am older and really want a family, if I do choose the online route again, I will be very up front about it. I have no time wasting around with someone where that is not an option. For me, I can't describe what I am looking for. I just will know it when I feel it. I will admit that includes someone that I am attracted to, can hold my attention in conversation, understands my quirky (often sarcastic) humor, and wants a family. 

I will have to work out the wording on why I feel like he doesn't exist before I put that out there. I need to make sure I translate my feelings accurately for that.

[DeLurker]

15 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

Honestly, if you feel lonely, you are looking for someone or love in all kinds of places. However, it's also part of the "prince"-fantasy, I guess. like finding a guy from a far-away-kingdom that steals you away and introduces you to a whole new world you could never have dreamt of in the first place. (I didn't realize how much I eat that shit up.)

I'm honestly also guilty of looking around in other locations. Even if it's unlikely that anything will develop out of it, it's still nice to make a few acquaintances from different countries that you can maybe spend time with in case you are traveling there someday.  I do also enjoy having visitors from different countries, so it's also nice staying in touch with some guys and to spend time with them and show them your city if they're visiting it for some reason (and since I live in the capital of my country, it's likely that guys visit the city if they visit my country). Over the last year or so, I've made some really nice acquaintances from different countries on dating apps who I definitely would love to meet someday. 

Also, I don't know how much gay culture plays into it, but on most dating sites and dating apps the focus is mostly on hook-ups. So whenever there is someone in your proximity, a lot of guys are just looking for sex (especially in a big city), which I'm not particularly interested in. Like, recently I had a guy text me who seemed kind of nice, but his third message was him asking me whether I top or bottom and then I just stopped replying to him, because seriously that is not a question you just ask someone who you literally have just met and only had like two sentences worth of interaction. From my experience, if you text with guys from other countries, the focus is less on sex, because it's unlikely you meet them anytime soon and that's why if there is an interested party, a more organic conversation can develop and you actually get to know someone a little bit before sexual topics come up. The downside to it is that meeting up is more complicated if you really would like to date.

<snip>

I think older guys are generally looking for someone younger. I don't exactly know why. I appreciate compliments and attention from anyone and I admit that I do find older guys sexy as hell sometimes as well, but I am unlikely to date someone with a huge age difference, because I want to date someone that I can relate to age-wise/experience-wise. I think though that I shouldn't really reply to older guys anymore, just not to give them any kind of hope.

 

Thanks for clarifying what the point would be - I never would have thought of that aspect, but it makes perfect sense.  And I can see the appeal of perusing geographically undesirables because it immediately removes the hook-up aspect and allows them and you to focus on communication and common interest.

In the straight May-December scenarios I have seen it tends to boil down to:

1. Commerce (youth and beauty in exchange for some luxuries);
2. A Svengali / Daddy Issues; and
3. A guy desperate to hang on to his youth.

And the last guy is always going to be looking to upgrade to a younger model.

5 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I also realize that I might be not the type of person we are talking about here.  As you can see, I'm coming at this from an angle of where I sit with raising my family right now.  I get the sense that we're more talking about single men, age 45-55 who either don't have children or do not have primary custody of their children looking to date women in their 20s.  At which point, it goes back to my gut feeling of "because they can."

Another thought, and this comes from personal experience, if you are a man going back into the dating pool in your mid-forties and you have the opportunity to date somebody who hasn't experienced an additional 10-15 years of pain and bullshit that you've been through, it's not the worst thing.  You probably have enough baggage for both of you.  When you both have a world of shit in your history, it's a lot of shit to walk around.

I would say there are probably quite a few men of similar demographics that would fall into this category.  From your other posts, it seems that you are more family centered and not about to ditch the kids for a shiny new toy.  But there are men who would welcome the ability to do so.  They've done the family man thing and now they want to date the PYT who isn't going to come with the same baggage that they feel like they are walking away from. 

2 hours ago, Enigma X said:

I have debated on whether or not to join in on this thread for a while now for many reasons. Part of me would like some advice, another part would like to see how other people are handling dating online, then another part wants to know which sites people use and find more valuable and why, but there is a huge part of me that is thinking who I am looking for is not looking for me.

When I started this post, I thought I was ready to join in this thread, but I am again feeling as if I am not. I am scurrying back to my safe place now. :-)

It won't hurt to ask a question or two...and some of us live vicariously through the online dating habits of others!  I've never tried it (nor am I interested for myself), but my friends have and apparently it isn't going to go away like some fad.

[aradia22]

To pick up the subject of the subway again, I find it an interesting environment to juxtapose with online dating. I find that it helps when you're getting frustrated with seeming to not being attracted to the people who reach out to you online to be reminded that there are so many fish in the sea. Even more so than walking down the street. I'm more likely to notice a handsome guy in my train car. And even if I'm not getting any vibes with my gym hair it's at least encouraging when apps tend to put the same people in front of you over and over unless you're swiping mindlessly. 

I'm about to dive back into sending first messages as soon as I have the time for it. My method has been to go systematically through my matches starting from the earliest and try to craft individual messages because men are special snowflakes (can you sense the eyeroll?) but I'm wondering if there isn't a better way to go about it instead of being paranoid I'll miss a good guy if I don't go down the list.

Summer is prime dating season so I want to make the most out of it.

[roseslg]

@aradia22, it is prime dating season.  I once saw this guy on the subway, I was with a friend and he just kept staring at me and staring at me.   I was like, dude, stop.   He wasn't unattractive, it was just a bit too much ogling.  In any case, the next morning, I am cruising the pages of OKC and a message pops up.   It's from the same guy!   So we start chatting and we meet up for a walk to target.  He was a major tool so nothing really worked out, but it was strange having my subway world collide with my online dating world.  

 

@Enigma X, I get where you're coming from.   There is nothing wrong in making clear what you want from the get go.  If you want a family the natural way, the clock is ticking (I hate that expression with a passion).  I am 38 and just had my  first baby last year.  While I didn't have it spelt out in my profile that I was looking for marriage and a baby, I was very clear that I wanted a serious relationship.  When I met my now husband, I literally told him that at some point, he would either have to piss or get off the pot.   

[Enigma X]

2 hours ago, roseslg said:

 

@Enigma X, I get where you're coming from.   There is nothing wrong in making clear what you want from the get go.  If you want a family the natural way, the clock is ticking (I hate that expression with a passion).  I am 38 and just had my  first baby last year.  While I didn't have it spelt out in my profile that I was looking for marriage and a baby, I was very clear that I wanted a serious relationship.  When I met my now husband, I literally told him that at some point, he would either have to piss or get off the pot.   

In the past, I have used OK Cupid, Match, and Plenty of Fish, and some other minor ones. I honestly hated Match the most. 

Which site are people finding the best these days?

[DkNNy79]

2 hours ago, Enigma X said:

In the past, I have used OK Cupid, Match, and Plenty of Fish, and some other minor ones. I honestly hated Match the most. 

Which site are people finding the best these days?

I hated Match as well.  I've tried eharmony years ago.  I was on tinder for like 2 seconds.   Right now I'm just on OKC, I've had the most luck there.

[Enigma X]

59 minutes ago, DkNNy79 said:

I hated Match as well.  I've tried eharmony years ago.  I was on tinder for like 2 seconds.   Right now I'm just on OKC, I've had the most luck there.

I have never tried Tinder and don't have the balls or patience for it. I view at as a beauty contest type of thing. I realize I may be wrong.

[roseslg]

I've used a lot of them, EaterDating, CoffeeMeetsBagel, OKC, Match, EHarmony.  I've had the most luck with OKC, that's where I met my husband.  I have friends who are on Tinder, but they haven't met anyone really as yet.   They are looking for someone serious, but no luck.  For me, Match and Eharmony was the worst!  When I first signed up for EHarmony it told me that they couldn't find a match.  I figured I was too out there :).  

[Enigma X]

Years ago, I forced myself to sign up for eHarmony. I say forced because the owner creeps me out. They told me the same thing as you, @roseslg: At this time we cannot match you. They didn't even want my money. Later, after finding out their negative thoughts on homosexuality and interracial couples, I was glad. I think their policy has since changed. Not me toward them though.

I signed up for OKC yesterday, and all the things that I hated about the site flooded in while setting up my profile. Constant bombardment from people who wanted to talk and wanted to do it NOW!. I have some messages now that my profile is set up, and it is clear that not one of the people who contacted me has read my profile. I find that so annoying! 

This one guy wrote me three paragraphs. I am not interested. I am trying to figure out a polite way to tell him that. I want to say "If you have read my profile, this will have come as no surprise." But...

I just tried signing up for Plenty of Fish, and their captcha seems to be broken.

I saw EaterDating, CooffeeMeetsBagel, and some other newer ones mainly for the phone and am still thinking about it.

When I was in Chicago, this getting to a date was easier. I don't drive. Correction, I got my license a week before moving here. I got a car three weeks ago. I am terrified to drive it. This place is not public trans friendly and cabs are expensive and also not easy to come by. I worry about getting to a meetup spot safely. 

[aradia22]

@Enigma X Are you using all of okc's features? Answer more questions. You can filter out messages by match %, length, etc. I only get a handful of long messages. Feel free to ignore if it seems like he didn't read your profile. It's likely a form letter... copy pasted to everyone.

[Enigma X]

@aradia22 I have answered 150 questions thus far.

[ratgirlagogo]

3 hours ago, Enigma X said:

Years ago, I forced myself to sign up for eHarmony. I say forced because the owner creeps me out. They told me the same thing as you, @roseslg: At this time we cannot match you. They didn't even want my money. Later, after finding out their negative thoughts on homosexuality and interracial couples, I was glad. I think their policy has since changed. Not me toward them though.

A few years after we got together Mr Rat and I both took the eHarmony quiz for fun, and yes we both  were told that we fell into that "small" percentage of people who couldn't be matched through the service.  Since I'm bi I figure the queer shit queered the deal, so to speak but it might also have been our generally negative feelings toward organized religion or our multicultural dating history.  Whatever.  We'll have been together 20 years in September so fuck eHarmony and happy Pride month to everyone.

[roseslg]

@Enigma X, yeah, I signed up for E-Harmony out of sheer desperation.   I tried again a few years later and it let me in (insert eye roll here).   We are an interracial couple, so probably wouldn't have met via that route.   There is a lot of crap to wade through on OKC.  I would get the form messages, and the messages from the same folks over and over again. Nothing would piss me off more than someone who didn't read my profile or where the first message would be "hi".  If I took the time to write something at least read it.  #endrant.   

I just got a thicker skin after a while and started writing guys messages.  Sometimes they'd write back.  Most didn't.  I've found more success in the rating mechanism where someone would rate me and I them or vice versa.   More often than not, those people would've read my profile.   Are there any meet and greets near you?  I don't know if it's all over, but OKC started doing events in NYC, you would only get notification of an event if someone who you were a high match for would be there. 

Instead of a traditional date, I would always just meet for coffee/tea.  There was always an end if it wasn't a match in real life and it was daytime so people were less skeevy.  

[aradia22]

@Enigma X I just checked. You can filter messages by "Looking For" (age, distance, relationship status), "Match %," number of words (to filter out short messages), and "Attractiveness" (I don't use the last two).

[Enigma X]

1 hour ago, roseslg said:

@Enigma X, yeah, I signed up for E-Harmony out of sheer desperation.   I tried again a few years later and it let me in (insert eye roll here).   We are an interracial couple, so probably wouldn't have met via that route.   There is a lot of crap to wade through on OKC.  I would get the form messages, and the messages from the same folks over and over again. Nothing would piss me off more than someone who didn't read my profile or where the first message would be "hi".  If I took the time to write something at least read it.  #endrant.   

I just got a thicker skin after a while and started writing guys messages.  Sometimes they'd write back.  Most didn't.  I've found more success in the rating mechanism where someone would rate me and I them or vice versa.   More often than not, those people would've read my profile.   Are there any meet and greets near you?  I don't know if it's all over, but OKC started doing events in NYC, you would only get notification of an event if someone who you were a high match for would be there. 

Instead of a traditional date, I would always just meet for coffee/tea.  There was always an end if it wasn't a match in real life and it was daytime so people were less skeevy.  

I don't know if there are meet and greets here. I think if there are, the closest would be an hour away in Seattle. I will check.

[Enigma X]

3 hours ago, ratgirlagogo said:

A few years after we got together Mr Rat and I both took the eHarmony quiz for fun, and yes we both  were told that we fell into that "small" percentage of people who couldn't be matched through the service.  Since I'm bi I figure the queer shit queered the deal, so to speak but it might also have been our generally negative feelings toward organized religion or our multicultural dating history.  Whatever.  We'll have been together 20 years in September so fuck eHarmony and happy Pride month to everyone.

Hear! Hear!

[DkNNy79]

So I went on a late date (11:30pm) Saturday with a chef.  He was working that night so we were gonna meet up at a diner.  The diner was closed so we just went to a Dunkin donuts and talked for like an hour and a half.  I wasn't sure if agreeing to a late first date was a good message to send, but I had a good time.  

He was easy to talk to and we had a nice flow of conversation.  He's a couple of years younger than me and has a 12 year old son.  I've never dated anyone with a kid before.  He seems very straight forward and I like that.  We texted after I got home, as well as yesterday and we're going out tonight.

[DisneyBoy]

Warning - kitchens are often breeding grounds for addicts. All the cooks I've known have either seen people abusing drugs to stay sharp, or done it themselves. Not saying that's the case here, but something to be aware of.

[JTMacc99]

On 6/17/2016 at 8:00 PM, DeLurker said:

I would say there are probably quite a few men of similar demographics that would fall into this category.  From your other posts, it seems that you are more family centered and not about to ditch the kids for a shiny new toy.  But there are men who would welcome the ability to do so.  They've done the family man thing and now they want to date the PYT who isn't going to come with the same baggage that they feel like they are walking away from. 

True, very true.

I do like shiny new toys though. So shiny...

Edited June 20, 2016 by JTMacc99

[Enigma X]

For those of you using OK Cupid, are you paying members? Seen any differences from paying and nonpaying? I must say that the majority of the guys who have contacted me on the site in the last couple of days have been bona fide. (Maybe that is a commentary on me.) And can someone recommend a phone dating app that is not Tinder? Lastly, are there any people using online dating here who are not in a major metro area?

[DkNNy79]

4 hours ago, Enigma X said:

For those of you using OK Cupid, are you paying members? Seen any differences from paying and nonpaying? I must say that the majority of the guys who have contacted me on the site in the last couple of days have been bona fide. (Maybe that is a commentary on me.) And can someone recommend a phone dating app that is not Tinder? Lastly, are there any people using online dating here who are not in a major metro area?

I can only answer the first question, but I am a non-paying member of OKC.

[DkNNy79]

23 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

Warning - kitchens are often breeding grounds for addicts. All the cooks I've known have either seen people abusing drugs to stay sharp, or done it themselves. Not saying that's the case here, but something to be aware of.

Thanks for the heads up.

Went on second date w/Chef yesterday.  I had a nice time and I do like him.  He really is unlike anyone I've dated before.  Very straight forward, doesn't seem to have a filter with some of the stuff that comes out of his month.  He's coming on very strong, which I'm not used to.  He texts me every day and I know he really likes me.  He tries to get me out of my shell, which is not a bad thing, its just different from me.