Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

UGH. Just got back from today's tea date. We'll call him Mr. Too Late. 

I compromised with myself and went with minimal makeup but a low cut shirt and skintight leggings so like... sort of trying but casual. He was 30 minutes late. The guy running the shop was very nice and didn't say boo to me while I sat there for 30 minutes reading a magazine. At that point, I left to go get groceries and some time after he messaged me on the app and after I dropped the groceries at my apartment I walked back. I would never normally meet someone so close to where I live but I sprained my ankle a few nights ago and didn't want to overdo it with the walking because I still have things to do today. 

So even though I would liked to tell him to fuck off, I didn't because I've been late to dates too so I limped back to the tea shop, which was now super crowded. I maintained the conversation. I was charming. I acted interested. I asked about his life and interests and let him talk. But I was really just being polite because even if he was late he had come a decent distance to see me. A) Not attracted to him. He's a bit too skinny for me. Not a deal breaker if there had been chemistry but there wasn't. B) Our personalities didn't gel. He's just a bit too awkward and nothing sparked. C) Yeah, I wasn't feeling him after the lateness. Also, I paid for my own drink... which is not a dealbreaker but not a point in his favor. And also, as I walked back home, he tried to invite himself to my apartment. I'd told him that I had to do work and he asked if I lived alone and he could hang out while I wrote my emails and then we could go out again later. Bitch, NAH. You were 30+ minutes late. I could have gotten over that but it takes balls to then assume that after a very basic conversation (for about 40-50 minutes) that I want to spend more time with you/let you know where I live/let you into my apartment, stranger. 

So yeah... not seeing him again. On the plus side, it was a decent bubble tea place. Nothing remarkable but solid. 

Edited March 23, 2019 by aradia22

[Lantern7]

3 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I finally did it. I wrote 9 messages this morning. We'll see if anything comes of them but at least the mutual likes will no longer be hanging over me. I just had to get over it because generally the guys I really like are not the guys who write to me first. nd a cute outfit. 

*sigh* No new message for me. Can two people have an official "meetcute" if it's over several years on an online forum?

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

UGH

Heh. Wasn’t sure which part of your write up to quote, and then it was suddenly obvious. 

On the bright side, good for you jumping in to it with both feet with the messages and the going out.  

That’s ridiculous that he thought it would be a good idea for you to invite him back to your place. Let’s hope you hit on something interesting with one or more of your messages!

27 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

 Can two people have an official "meetcute" if it's over several years on an online forum?

Nope. That’s the nice thing about online forums. They provide anonymity which allows people to be open and share things they wouldn’t normally share. Most people prefer to keep it that way. 

I’ve been on about a six month hiatus here, so nothing new to report.  I did recently chat with a friend about it, recapping the two plus years of my dating escapes and dumpster fires, and we’re in agreement that when I jump back in the hope will be to actually find a real relationship.  So I guess I should fire back up my Tinder account and get working on that. 😁

[aradia22]

Quote

I’ve been on about a six month hiatus here, so nothing new to report.  I did recently chat with a friend about it, recapping the two plus years of my dating escapes and dumpster fires, and we’re in agreement that when I jump back in the hope will be to actually find a real relationship.  So I guess I should fire back up my Tinder account and get working on that. 😁

Yay! I'm glad to hear you're thinking about getting back out there too, @JTMacc99 You deserve to find someone who can appreciate all the ways in which you're awesome and supportive, without taking advantage of your kindness. (I haven't forgotten the Stacy London thing. 😉 )

[JTMacc99]

Thank you @aradia22! We’ll see how it goes.

BTW, I really need to work on my celebrity crushes. 

[aradia22]

I'm over the way okcupid recycles profiles when you're swiping. On the one hand, it's good that if you mistakenly swiped left, that person isn't banished forever. But on the 3rd or even 6th pass, it's like you're pushing people on me that I've pretty clearly rejected. I've seen Sweet Nugget 3 times in the last two days. Going through the trouble of blocking helps sometimes... but sometimes they come back so they either have different profiles or okcupid ignores the blocking at some point.

I just feel like there's a sea of so many bad profiles I'm trying to wade through, I don't need to get mired in it and slowed down from finding the few good matches. 

No bites on the 9 messages. Went through my matches. Many more guys to possibly write to. They couldn't have all swiped right on everyone, right? Sigh... I need a while before I'm ready to do it again.

I do have a date next Thursday. I'm not attracted to him but he seems nice and it's an event date (museum exhibit) so I'm treating it as more of a friendly, get out of the house thing. There's been nothing flirty on either side that would make it more than a friendly meet up with a stranger who wants a companion for an experience. 

[Lantern7]

Quick question about OKC: if you tweak your profile even slightly, does it go to the front for people using the site?

[Lantern7]

Another question, this one mainly for @aradia22 . . . when you get responses to your profile, do they come with more than one paragraph? The way it works for me, I have to ht SHIFT and ENTER. Otherwise, I send an abrupt message. I'm just curious if I should try to keep things to one paragraph.

[JTMacc99]

On 3/23/2019 at 5:16 PM, aradia22 said:

Yay! I'm glad to hear you're thinking about getting back out there too, @JTMacc99 

 Well, I'm only on Match these days, and I've been window shopping but not messaging for, like I said above, months. Recently Match changed something, and the quantity of "daily matches" went from a dozen to like 40. As I was X-ing through all of them (think of it like cleaning out your in box to make the little alert button go away) I got to a profile that I had not seen before to my recollection. And I didn't want to just X it to keep moving. I could have just hit the like button to "bookmark" her for later if I felt like it, but instead I just sat on it for a day.

I said to myself, "Self, she's your type in the looks department, actually wrote intelligent things in her profile, and doesn't have any requirements listed that I don't fit."  So I sent her a note yesterday. 

We've exchanged a few notes over the last 24 hours. Nice combination of information exchange, joking around, and mild flirting. It feels good to do this again. 

Oh, and she's a therapist. Heh. Which explains why the first thing she said to me was "That was one incredibly well written profile." Yep. Of course my kind of crazy would appeal to somebody who can read between the lines.  

[aradia22]

Aww @JTMacc99 Hoping for good things!

So my friendly museum date is tomorrow. In my mind, it's not a date. But I'll still check in after because who knows?

Nevermind, no date tomorrow. 

Edited March 27, 2019 by aradia22

[aradia22]

I'm not asking for the same thing all the time. Sometimes I'm looking to get boo'ed up but sometimes I'm okay with something fun and flirty and casual. That is not an invitation for disrespect.

Sex workers get paid to put up with BS. Why do you think I'm going to abandon my schedule/plans and come hook up with you just because you're cajoling me? Who does that work for? Male entitlement is exhausting sometimes.

[JTMacc99]

I guess I spent too much time on the couch binge re-watching Game of Thrones, because I woke up at 2:45 last night with my neck and upper shoulders in searing pain. 

When I got out of bed this morning, I sort of worked through the muscles on my right side with my left hand. I thought to myself, unlike most days, today would have been a good day to have a significant other in my house just to say "can you please help me work out these knots?"

Why am I sharing this here? Because no joke, I'm seriously considering firing up a Tinder profile that pretty much just says, "Hurt my neck binge re-watching Game of Thrones. Just looking for somebody to massage my shoulders. In return I'm offering a spirited discussion of who was worse, Joffrey or Ramsay, over dinner.

[aradia22]

@JTMacc99 okc recently added a (banner? logo? pin?) for profiles so you can declare yourself a Game of Thrones fan. They used to have one for supporting Planned Parenthood. I think they switch them in and out periodically. Anyway, just saying.... not a bad idea.

After much furious swiping, I have more cute boys that I have matched with. Now it's time to write personalized messages only to face the inevitable disappointment of not receiving any responses. 

Out of my 9 messages, I got one response. It didn't go anywhere because he didn't keep up his end of the conversation. He wrote a short response to my initial message, asked how my week was and then... *blows raspberry* That was a week ago.

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

He wrote a short response to my initial message, asked how my week was and then... *blows raspberry* That was a week ago.

::eyeroll::  Not holding up the other end of the conversation seems to be pretty normal, even when things start off okay.

With the conversation I started up, once it got to the point after a day or so where it went from flirty fact finding to information exchanging, I attempted to set up a phone conversation. It was my guess that the phone chat would liven it up a bit, and make it a lot easier to then discuss the particulars of getting together in person. 

Naturally at the arranged phone call time, kids/responsibilities got in the way, and then it was her weekend with her kids and blah, blah, blah. Left off with "looking forward to speaking to you" on both sides, and I let her go do whatever it is she had to do with her kids. I suppose I should reach out to her again now that it's Monday, but she's a grown up and she knows it was her busy schedule we were working around. (Then again, if she had wanted to talk yesterday, I was tied up with my daughter's stuff and probably would have said I didn't have a lot of widows to do so.)

It's all a big pain in the neck (see above.)

[aradia22]

Yeah... so I didn't write to any straight men yet. I did write to a bunch of women in an effort to make new friends. Turns out there are plenty of people who share my interests and, at least on paper, they aren't terrible. They're just in female bodies. And I happen to be mainly attracted to male bodies. Damn.

[Sake614]

Morning all,

First time poster to this board. I stumbled across it quite by accident and decided to stick around after reading so many like-minded stories. I've run the gamut of online dating, from Match to JDate to eHarmony, POF, Tindr, Our Time. I've had absolutely no success and decided to stop wasting my money. 

I had a few promising initial conversations and then nothing. Most of the time, if I was interested in them, they didn't reciprocate and vice versa. I even had one man write and tell me I was a 'ripe old bird' and 'well-preserved'! I presume both were meant as compliments but neither was what I wanted to hear from someone I'd never met or even messaged! LOL! 

What made me roll my eyes most of the time were 50+ year-old men whose profiles said they wanted 25-year-old women, and to have children. Sorry boys but unless you've got several million in disposable income, the 25-year-old trophies don't want any part of you! 

A few years ago I heard radio ads for My Social Calendar and joined. I'm not a kid anymore and the bar/club scene isn't for me. So I thought if I could meet people and make new friends (male or female) then at least I might have some semblance of a social life. After paying an exorbitant amount of money up front for membership, I attended a 'new members mixer.' Met a few women and hit it off but every man who came up to me/us proclaimed the group to be 'the losers group.' Well I'm sorry to disappoint him, but I don't consider myself a loser and that's not why I joined. At the next event, I encountered women who were recently divorced and already looking for their next husband. That was their sole purpose and again, not mine. 

Would I like to meet someone special? Of course. But the older I get the more difficult it is. Almost all my friends are married and even if I weren't averse to being 'fixed up,' all THEIR friends are married.  I've been told I'm too picky but I don't understand that. We're talking about spending my life with someone. He doesn't have to look like Viggo Mortensen (although it certainly wouldn't hurt <G>) but if there's no attraction, there's no attraction. I take pride in my appearance and want a man who does the same. It's not like I'm meeting him at a party/social gathering with no pressure. In a setting like that, you can get to know someone and perhaps by the end of the evening there is an attraction. But online dating is just that: dating. Unless there's something in his appearance and profile that grabs my attention, I'm moving on.

So long story short, I'm in flux. 

[aradia22]

Quote

 I've been told I'm too picky but I don't understand that. We're talking about spending my life with someone. He doesn't have to look like Viggo Mortensen (although it certainly wouldn't hurt <G>) but if there's no attraction, there's no attraction. I take pride in my appearance and want a man who does the same. It's not like I'm meeting him at a party/social gathering with no pressure. In a setting like that, you can get to know someone and perhaps by the end of the evening there is an attraction. But online dating is just that: dating. Unless there's something in his appearance and profile that grabs my attention, I'm moving on.

Agreed. Putting it another way, you theoretically COULD be compatible with any number of people. But you don't have the time to test that out. If someone isn't putting in the effort to take nice photos (by which I mean not blurry and not looking like a serial killer) and write a unique profile then I think that communicates that he's not serious. Someone with a bland profile could actually be wonderful in person. But he could also have hateful misogynistic and racist views. I don't have time to figure that out with every guy. I don't feel like I'm in the training wheels part of online dating anymore when I was more willing to go out with most people who asked. 

[Sake614]

32 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I don't have time to figure that out with every guy. I don't feel like I'm in the training wheels part of online dating anymore when I was more willing to go out with most people who asked. 

Exactly. Even during that phase I had very few dates but was so happy just to have someone show interest that I replied immediately. Now I'm more inclined to say 'hell no,' especially after browsing through dark photos or landscape shots. You went to Bali on your last vacation? Awesome! But that doesn't tell me what YOU look like like. And when they start yammering on about religion or want a 'God-fearing woman' I'm out. 

[aradia22]

I can no longer tell if I'm being shitty by policing spelling and grammar and punctuation or if I'm talking to a bunch of bots. Things that have been happening...

1: Had a totally pleasant and normal interaction with a classical guitarist today. We talked about music. Based on the short interaction, he could be a match. Doesn't seem like a bot. 

2: Had a chat with a guy who seemed more into hooking up than dating but otherwise it was totally nice and normal but then he stopped responding and his photos disappeared. Was he a bot/clever catfish???

3: Exchanging messages on and off with an unreasonably attractive man. Wanted to meet in Times Square which I changed to Bryant Park. Some language issues... Could be a bot... I'm willing to play it out and might either meet him later in the week or just use it as an excuse to wander around the area in the afternoon so nothing lost beyond time spackling on makeup. 

[JTMacc99]

15 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I can no longer tell if I'm being shitty by policing spelling and grammar and punctuation or if I'm talking to a bunch of bots.

I'm relatively sure you're not being shitty. This whole thing (the online dating thing) is requires an awful lot of effort just to produce a "normal" conversation and even more unlikely a "normal" date.  I chuckled at "unreasonably attractive man". Heh. I totally get why that seems suspicious. The fact is, actual attractive people do actually exist on the dating sites, but the bots just make us not believe them.

Over here, I never heard back from the one who was too busy to have our phone call. I did fire off a quick text after the weekend, something along the lines of "I had a crazy weekend, blah, blah, blah, hopefully all of your stuff went well."  Nothing, so NEXT!

Next ended up being a pretty lady who is mildly geographically challenging, pretty smile and lots of hair. We've exchanged a bunch of notes, and are in the works of planning a date for Saturday night. Unbelievably, my typical kid coverage plan also has a date scheduled for Saturday night (look at us!), so I'm going to see how to solve that problem this afternoon. 

This person is a pediatric neuropsychologist, which is noteworthy because this would be the second  neuropshychologist I've met on a dating app. If this doesn't end up being a long term connection and I have to stick with the apps, I think I'm going to update my profile to say "If you are a doctor, please be a brain doctor or higher."

[Lantern7]

I think I got a like last week and I had a few bits of chat with her, but she hasn't written back yet.

Fuck it, here's the opening bit from my profile. I'll have to remember to edit it out in a few days. I'm looking for feedback into what I could be doing better, because I want to bring the attention of at least one woman. I'm not sure if putting a lot of myself into it works or not. Basically, I wrote like how I post in these forums . . . breezy, showing bits of intelligence, but not using big words just to say them.

Edited to "delete" profile one week later.

Edited April 16, 2019 by Lantern7

[aradia22]

God damn it. The guitarist has disappeared. WHY is this my life?

[Lantern7]

38 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

God damn it. The guitarist has disappeared. WHY is this my life?

People suck. I mean, you probably figured that, but doesn't it feel like trying to herd a cat?

[possibilities]

Lantern, I'm not an expert on what women want from men, but I don't see anything wrong with what you wrote. I found it funny and engaging.

Most profiles I read are so generic that I can't relate on any level, and I thought you showed some personality.

I hope someone else will have some ideas. I know how frustrated you are by all of this.

[Lantern7]

@possibilities . . . my concern is that I might be leaning too hard into self-effacement and/or geekery, which I’ll show you guys soon.

[JTMacc99]

Don't lean too hard on anything is my advice. Consider what each sentence is saying, edit yourself aggressively, and try to have meanings to what you're writing that go beyond what the words are saying. 

Then again, my profile seems to only attract rocket scientists and brain surgeons (and the occasional scarily overconfident person), so maybe I'm not the best at it. I've definitely narrowed down my possibilities to a pretty small group.

I solved my "can't make the date I tried to set up on Saturday by rescheduling to Tuesday. Found a neat looking Tapas place in the town where we agreed to meet, so I declared it Tapas Tuesday and we are set to meet. It's always nice to get back a response that ends with "I'm looking forward to meeting you!"  

So, we'll give this a shot. You never know what will happen, but zero second dates have ever happened without taking a shot at a first date.

[aradia22]

Still hung up on the classical guitarist. He was so nice and normal. As far as I can tell, his profile completely disappeared. Maybe he was ready to commit to someone else. Or he got hit by a car. It was just jarring because his last messages were telling me his schedule and setting up a date to get bubble tea or something. I don't feel like I gave him any reason to just disappear and it wasn't the kind of profile (potential bot) that I would understand getting deleted.

Unreasonably attractive man wants my social media handles. Feeling like a bot...

I maybe have a date on Saturday or whenever with a guy who seems relatively nice and normal. There's a big height disparity and also he has worryingly bad spelling. Not like a bot but like someone who either can't spell or is very careless when typing/texting.

Not sure of the exact terminology but I'm also talking with a guy who has been upfront about wanting some kind of sub or cuckold dynamic. I'm not really into it but at this point I'm getting desperate about all this time wasted messaging that never materializes into a date so I'm considering it.

@Lantern7 My harsh advice is that you're being too self-deprecating. People can't read tone on the internet and there's nothing in your wording that overtly suggests you're semi-serious so you just come across like a bit of a sad sack with low self-esteem. I say this as someone who periodically edits my profile to project a different vibe. You have to think about how your words are going to be received by someone who does not know the intonation or tone or stresses you would put on the words if you were reading it. 

Edited April 10, 2019 by aradia22

[Sake614]

those of you with OKCupid accounts, did you sign up via FB or with your email? Is it really, truly, absolutely free or do you have to pay to reply to potential matches?

[Bastet]

@Lantern7, I think your profile needs more about you and less about what you don't want in a woman.  And, like @aradia22 said, less of a sad sack vibe. 

I also don't know that, even though you did it in a witty way, advertising up front how inexperienced you are is a good idea.  That's a turn-off to many, but it's not a deal-breaker that's sketchy not to disclose in your profile, so I think it's better to let someone meet you and let that come up naturally in conversation. 

And I cringe big time at "that special someone."  I take it from discussion here that it's standard to indicate whether you're looking to just hook up, date, or date with the goal of a long-term relationship, and that makes sense, but I find that a kind of lame way of expressing it (with the potential of sounding naive and possibly even desperate, so I just think it's a phrase to avoid). 

Oh, and I'd lose that P.S. too, but - having never used a dating site - it may be that I'm missing the usefulness of it.

Edited April 10, 2019 by Bastet

[aradia22]

Quote

those of you with OKCupid accounts, did you sign up via FB or with your email? Is it really, truly, absolutely free or do you have to pay to reply to potential matches?

I used my email. I hate tying my FB to anything. Yes, it's free. You can write to people without having to pay. If you haven't matched, they will not see your message in their inbox but they will see it if they come across your profile while swiping. Be careful because if you hit "enter" that's the only thing that will get sent and you are locked out of writing to them again unless you match with each other and they "like" you back. If you match, then your message will appear in his inbox and you can message each other normally. 

Side note: If they wanted me to pay for okc again they should guarantee things I actually care about. Like, the fourth or fifth time I swipe left on a profile, it stops coming up in DoubleTake. 

[Sake614]

thanks @aradia22. It sounds complicated but I guess I'll figure it out lol! Now to work on a profile. Gah! I hate writing about myself!

[aradia22]

@Sake614 It's not that complicated. You can basically take two approaches.

1) Do a lot of swiping and only write to people if you match. 

2) Write messages to people even if you haven't matched. This is trickier because people don't like generic messages. But it's a lot of work to write personalized messages if someone is unlikely to see them (some people don't do a lot of swiping and now messages don't automatically go into inboxes) and it's a bit of a risk to just go ahead and write to people if you haven't even gotten the go ahead of a mutual like. I take mutual likes with a grain of salt because I believe a lot of guys my age swipe indiscriminately but to me it's better than just sending messages into the ether. 

[theredhead77]

On 4/9/2019 at 9:58 PM, Lantern7 said:

I think I got a like last week and I had a few bits of chat with her, but she hasn't written back yet.

Fuck it, here's the opening bit from my profile. I'll have to remember to edit it out in a few days. I'm looking for feedback into what I could be doing better, because I want to bring the attention of at least one woman. I'm not sure if putting a lot of myself into it works or not. Basically, I wrote like how I post in these forums . . . breezy, showing bits of intelligence, but not using big words just to say them.

  Hide contents

I'm a freelance writer [what sorts of writing?], and I'm looking for "that special someone." I know, that's probably pretty vague, but there you go. I'm searching for a woman who is smart and sweet. Anything else would be toppings on the ice cream cone. Using another comparison: I have relatively low mileage, and I'm looking for a smart driver.[REDACTED TO PREVENT CONFLICT]

I'm an only child; grew up in Brooklyn, and moved to the suburbs of Staten Island [when?]. I know, it's the least-respected borough. [REDACTED TO PREVENT CONFLICT]

No smokers, please. If you're trying to quit, I'd be good with that [everyone is always "trying to quit"] , even if you feel that you'll stumble off that wagon. Also, my concern with dating a mother is that I might not be mature enough to eventually become a parental figure. Or maybe I'm overthinking that.

PS: OKCupid has adjusted the reply system. If I responded to you profile, and I only wrote one abbreviated paragraph, I probably meant to add more to that. [they probably know this already]

I agree with all of the above feedback and I did some editing using the strike-through feature and some italics for comments. I think it's too long.

Add what type of writing you do, when you moved to where you moved to, share a hobby or two or what you like to do in your free time. Short and sweet.

Dating sites allow you to enter if you want your match to have kids or want kids. You can select "doesn't have kids" (or whatever the applicable option is). I don't think you need to include any information about not dating a woman with kids. That is putting the cart waaaaaaaaaaaay before the horse.

[AgentRXS]

On 4/9/2019 at 10:58 PM, Lantern7 said:

 Also, my concern with dating a mother is that I might not be mature enough to eventually become a parental figure. Or maybe I'm overthinking that.

My other post got deleted due to the redacted content so I'll circle back around to this. In addition to what @theredhead77 said, this comment is off-putting because 1) you are even including women that possibly have grown children and 2) very few women of a certain age want to hear that a man isn't mature enough to handle  "X" situation.  Being a joyful child at heart is wonderful, being a overgrown child in  certain aspects of a relationship isn't appealing to anyone.  Also, deciding the role you play in a child's life comes into play when the relationship is established, casually dating a mother will have very little effect on you because no one is expecting you to become a "parental figure" at that point. 

Edited April 11, 2019 by AgentRXS

[Brookside]

On ‎4‎/‎9‎/‎2019 at 7:58 PM, Lantern7 said:

  Hide contents

 Using another comparison: I have relatively low mileage, and I'm looking for a smart driver. [REDACTED TO PREVENT CONFLICT]

. Also, my concern with dating a mother is that I might not be mature enough to eventually become a parental figure. Or maybe I'm overthinking that.

I don't know what you mean by the first sentence, but to me it's a bit creepy.

The second sentence is a little disturbing - you don't know whether you'll eventually be mature enough to become a parental figure yet you're willing to use a date's children to see how things might work out for you twenty years down the line?

Edited April 11, 2019 by Brookside

[Lantern7]

@Brookside ...honestly didn't occur to me. Maybe I should leave that out altogether.

[aradia22]

Update... I have a tentative date scheduled on Monday with the guy with the questionable spelling. Somehow he picked a place a few blocks from where I live (ABORT! ABORT!) but without telling him why, I asked if we could meet elsewhere so we're just going to meet further uptown and either walk to the museum or just grab a bite. His suggestions. I do like a certain degree of assertiveness from a guy even if I will try to suggest that he take me to a play somewhere down the line. I am fine taking charge but I feel like I have to do that in so many aspects of my life that part of what I want in seeking companionship is not always having to make all the decisions.

The other guy is a fitness bro type who is looking for something "casual" but is otherwise friendly and well-spoken and respectful. Nothing creepy so far. There was radio silence since Friday and he was the one whose pictures suddenly disappeared. But his photos are back and he finally replied so we might go out some afternoon next week too. I don't know. He's a little wishy washy. 

[theredhead77]

32 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

@Brookside ...honestly didn't occur to me. Maybe I should leave that out altogether.

You've gotten a lot of really good feedback from people with a variety of life experience. I'm glad you chose to share with us and I look forward to seeing your revamped profile. 

I also strongly encourage you to find some local meet-ups with like-minded people. Perhaps a comic book store has a weekly, or monthly event. Maybe a coffee or game store has a D&D session, or a local pub does trivia where they will match "free agents" with a team.

I play D&D with a group that has more women in attendance than men on a regular basis. 
Don't go to any of these things looking to meet Ms. Right but use the experience to meet people with similar interests. 

[Lantern7]

I shortened the intro. I don't think I "gutted" it . . . more like trimmed it to a manageable degree.

Spoiler

I'm a freelance writer (of the occasional feature article), and I'm looking for "that special someone." I know, that's probably pretty vague, but there you go. I'm searching for a woman who is smart and sweet. Anything else would be toppings on the ice cream cone.

I'm currently living on Staten Island; born and raised in Brooklyn. I like traveling into Manhattan when I can. I like how you can get most anywhere there by mass transit. I also drive, but I try not to go to the city that way if I can help it. I haven't driven long distances in a while, but finding places in, say, New Jersey is easy with the GPS. Thank goodness for those; before that, I once turned a half-hour trip into a three-hour odyssey.

Edited April 15, 2019 by Lantern7

[aradia22]

This is editor brain speaking.

Spoiler

I'm a freelance writer (of the occasional feature article), and I'm looking for "that special someone." (I would put the quotation marks around "special someone.") I know, that's probably pretty vague, but there you go. (This is a throwaway. You sound careless and noncommittal. Try saying something about how you're open to many possibilities or you don't have a particular type.) I'm searching for a woman who is smart and sweet. Anything else would be toppings on the ice cream cone. (This is just weird, clunky wording.)

I'm currently living on Staten Island; born and raised in Brooklyn. I like traveling into Manhattan when I can. I like how you can get most anywhere there by mass transit. I also drive, but I try not to go to the city that way if I can help it. I haven't driven long distances in a while, but finding places in, say, New Jersey is easy with the GPS. Thank goodness for those; before that, I once turned a half-hour trip into a three-hour odyssey. (This is still a dating profile. I think it's a good idea to clarify where you live and that you're willing to travel to meet a match. But this just became a random digression when it didn't circle back to dating.) 

Edited April 15, 2019 by aradia22

[Lantern7]

Could you put that in spoilers? 😀 

[theredhead77]

@Lantern7 - did you see my suggestions up thread? I think quoted my quote correctly here, but it looks like someone modified my OP after me. I'm not quite sure what in it was going to cause conflict but the 'redacted to prevent conflict' comments aren't mine and my suggestions were removed as well as formatting. 

I added formatting and didn't add commentary as to not cause conflict. Taking feedback like this from a large group is hard. Kudos to you for being open to it

Spoiler

I'm a freelance writer [what sorts of writing?], and I'm looking for "that special someone." I know, that's probably pretty vague, but there you go. I'm searching for a woman who is smart and sweet. Anything else would be toppings on the ice cream cone. Using another comparison: I have relatively low mileage, and I'm looking for a smart driver.[REDACTED TO PREVENT CONFLICT] [add something about what sort of activities you do that you would like to do with a potential date]

I'm an only child; grew up in Brooklyn, and moved to the suburbs of Staten Island [when? why?]. I know, it's the least-respected borough. [REDACTED TO PREVENT CONFLICT]

No smokers, please. If you're trying to quit, I'd be good with that[everyone is always "trying to quit"] ,even if you feel that you'll stumble off that wagon. Also, my concern with dating a mother is that I might not be mature enough to eventually become a parental figure. Or maybe I'm overthinking that.

PS: OKCupid has adjusted the reply system. If I responded to you profile, and I only wrote one abbreviated paragraph, I probably meant to add more to that. [they probably know this already]

[JTMacc99]

On 4/9/2019 at 1:11 PM, JTMacc99 said:

This person is a pediatric neuropsychologist, which is noteworthy because this would be the second  neuropshychologist I've met on a dating app. If this doesn't end up being a long term connection and I have to stick with the apps, I think I'm going to update my profile to say "If you are a doctor, please be a brain doctor or higher."

Sooooo.... 

I'm very much looking forward to tapas and wine tomorrow with pediatric brain doctor tomorrow night. I've had very few bad first dates. And I have discovered that at the very least, if I choose a place that has a really nice menu, I get a good dinner out of the effort. But I do think we'll have plenty of things to talk about.

But that's not my news today.  Yesterday I crossed paths with Original Recipe Brain Doctor! For reference, first mention here was 02/01/2017 Thank goodness I document all of my shenanigans on the internet. We hung out for about four months back then. Eventually my bullshit in my home, and inability to really commit to anything along the lines of what she was looking for at the time, sent us on our separate ways.

We've been talking a bit today. She said it's been quite the roller coaster ride for her since then. I told her that up until about six months ago, when shit started working out for me again, I had been on this ride:

Just like back when I first met her, texting with her is snappy and easy. 

So I asked her if she wanted to get together for dinner and to catch up. Seemed like a good idea for where I'm at right now. 

[JTMacc99]

I put in my rewrite for you. I may not be good at many things, but I'm starting to figure out how to write a decent online dating profile. 

You will want to put in some stuff about yourself. Some of it just describes yourself, and some of it needs to be fluff that serves as the jumping off point for initial contact. Stuff like mentioning you're a Seinfeld fan, or your hometown, your dog, or you hate ice cream.

Then you want to put in something about what you're looking for in a partner. This is a combination of real deal breakers and real needs along with stuff that works like a horoscope. In other words, you want to make the other person think "Hey, that sounds like me!"

Hope this helps.  

On 4/9/2019 at 10:58 PM, Lantern7 said:

Fuck it, here's the opening bit from my profile. I'll have to remember to edit it out in a few days. I'm looking for feedback into what I could be doing better, because I want to bring the attention of at least one woman. I'm not sure if putting a lot of myself into it works or not. Basically, I wrote like how I post in these forums . . . breezy, showing bits of intelligence, but not using big words just to say them.

  Hide contents

I'm a freelance writer, and I'm looking for "that special someone." I know, that's probably pretty vague, but there you go. I'm searching for a woman who is smart and sweet. Anything else would be toppings on the ice cream cone. Using another comparison: I have relatively low mileage, and I'm looking for a smart driver. [REDACTED TO PREVENT CONFLICT]

I'm an only child; grew up in Brooklyn, and moved to the suburbs of Staten Island. I know, it's the least-respected borough. [REDACTED TO PREVENT CONFLICT]

No smokers, please. If you're trying to quit, I'd be good with that, even if you feel that you'll stumble off that wagon. Also, my concern with dating a mother is that I might not be mature enough to eventually become a parental figure. Or maybe I'm overthinking that.

PS: OKCupid has adjusted the reply system. If I responded to you profile, and I only wrote one abbreviated paragraph, I probably meant to add more to that.

Here's how I would write it up:

First, unless you're looking for just a friend with benefits or some other odd situation, it's completely unnecessary to say you're looking for someone special or a long term relationship or (my least favorite) a  partner in crime. You're on a conventional dating site, everybody knows why your there.

So how about this:

I'm a freelance writer living in the suburbs of Staten Island. I grew up an only child in Brooklyn. Like all only children, I'm creative, a problem solver, and independent as heck. And, like all people from Brooklyn, I (insert whatever it is that somebody from Brooklyn would be proud of, and hopefully something funny while you're at it. This is also a good way to list off a couple of things about you that can also be the jumping off point for the first couple of messages.)

My ideal partner is above everything else, smart and sweet. She's lived some life, learned from her experiences and has her act together. She's intellectually curious, a little bit of a nerd, and sees humor and beauty everywhere. I'm hoping to find somebody in a similar stage of life as me*, someone to share experiences with and is as excited to learn about me and my interests as I will be to learn about the things that bring her joy. If I were a car, I would be advertised as having low mileage, and I'm hoping to find a match that appreciates that about me. Oh, and no smokers please! 

PS: OKCupid has adjusted the reply system. If I responded to you profile, and I only wrote one abbreviated paragraph, I probably meant to add more to that. But no big deal! Plenty of time for us to chat, and I'll eventually get a chance to share with you whatever brilliant thoughts you were so cruelly denied. 🙂

* That's the way you write that you're not comfortable with dating somebody with kids. In my profiles, I mention life stage because I definitely need somebody who can deal with the fact I've got two kids in middle school. I can't be dating somebody 10 years younger than me who wants to start a family, but I can be dating somebody 10 years younger than me who has a 12 year old and a 14 year old. I'm also currently a terrible match for somebody my age who is an empty nester and looking to be gallivanting around the world.

[Lantern7]

Just so you know, I just showed the introduction text. I haven't given out the other stuff here. Also, I just erased the profile stuff I posted here.

[ZaldamoWilder]

@Lantern7 ooooh, is my timing impeccable or what? Lol.  Um, I don't even know if you're still interested in collecting $.02 but if so, here's mine.  The thing is, you're actually a funnier dude than you come across on paper.  The thing about Staten Island being redacted for conflict is HILARIOUS but geographically specific and only funny to people who know that a) Staten Island was like the only place on the Eastern seaboard that voted red in the last election and b) you didn't vote for the current guy.   Meh, shit, I thought it was funny, so I see what you were going for.  

Spoiler

I'm a freelance writer who grew up in Brooklyn and now lives on Staten Island (don't hold it against me).   Weaknesses:  women who are smart and sweet.   Strengths:  Sidewalk cafe Sunday brunches (please see above re Brooklyn).   But that's me, in a nutshell (where I like to keep things).    I'd love to hear about you.  

I liked @JTMacc99's version too, but dating profiles and attention spans?  Not compatible lol.  

Just to catch you guys up and make it unanimous?  dating officially fucking sucks.  I called the last guy I went out with before what was to be our 3rd date to tell him we didn't have enough chemistry to justify continuing to see each other and after a lot of push pull, he finally relents we hang up and he texts me:  "I just realized what you said to me - that I wasn't flirtatious with you....(I said we didn't have chemistry).....if only you knew, I was on my best behavior, I wasn't exposing my dark side yet."    Um, yeah...thanks for confirming my instinct Pill Cosby.  Die please. 

I'm pretty fortunate (put a pin right here) in that to say I meet men on a fairly regular basis because I'm a blerd and I love books and the history channel and I say geeky shit (hey @JTMacc99 "I've ALWAYS had blue eyes!") lol but the packaging runs counter to the personality so I'm only ever attracted to men who act like they were expecting me to like Jeopardy.  It's complicated.   Anyway, I just wanted to drop by and tell ya'll hi, it's been a minute. 

[aradia22]

@JTMacc99 That was a great rewrite. I can see why you're getting so many matches. 😉 I agree with @ZaldamoWilder that people have short attention spans on dating sites but after you've matched and you're reading a profile, one written the way you write stands out. Those are the guys I usually like and think I'd be compatible with. Those guys seem like they're really putting themselves out there and taking it seriously. Personally, I would not write a longer profile myself but that's because I'm a woman looking to find men. I think women are more inclined to read profiles.

Quote

he finally relents we hang up and he texts me:  "I just realized what you said to me - that I wasn't flirtatious with you....(I said we didn't have chemistry).....if only you knew, I was on my best behavior, I wasn't exposing my dark side yet."    Um, yeah...thanks for confirming my instinct Pill Cosby.  Die please. 

Hahaha. Oh, no. Glad you followed your instincts.

[JTMacc99]

39 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Just to catch you guys up and make it unanimous?  dating officially fucking sucks. 

Hey, I have a date in less than three hours, so I'm going to try to buck the trend for at least a little bit.

But in general, yep.

But then again, you never know when your perfect match could just be right there if you just give it a chance...

[ZaldamoWilder]

3 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Hey, I have a date in less than three hours, so I'm going to try to buck the trend for at least a little bit.

But in general, yep.

But then again, you never know when your perfect match could just be right there if you just give it a chance...

Lol!!  You gone have to take my word that I don't need any convincing.  My top criteria:  he already likes me.  😄 

[Lantern7]

The "redacted" stuff was because of politics; I was informed by two mods that I had brought up that subject unintentionally, so I had to post "REDACTED." Seemed to be a good idea at the time.

Maybe I could bring up the positive trend SI is taking. Not politically . . . moving away from Guidos and Mafia kids on reality shows to vampires on faux documentaries.