Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[CastleBell]

I messaged a man on Friday and happened to be busy with non-computer things on the weekend. There were seven messages today, the last one asking if I was still interested. Would've been more interested by one message than by seven. I know people tend to check in every day, and I try to, but it was 48 hours and it was a weekend. Even my real job that pays me lets me have most weekends off. 

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, CastleBell said:

Would've been more interested by one message than by seven.

Indeed. 

[possibilities]

I really like the work of John Gottman, who has done research on marriages and what makes them work or not work. He also has a book about interpersonal dynamics for people who aren't married. If it's a confusing minefield for you, I highly recommend his writings. They are easy to read, engaging, and really spell out specific behaviors and communication techniques that have a high impact on greasing the wheels, without turning you into an inauthentic poser.

I used to be abysmally incompetent at small talk and casual conversation, and was also debilitatingly shy and awkward with strangers, so I spent a lot of time rehabilitating myself, by literally seeking information about why and how other people do that stuff. It turned out to be very interesting and empowering for me, and changed both my understanding of others and myself, and also made so many things incredibly much easier for me. It wasn't even that hard, once I saw it spelled out. I grew up under the influnce of parents who were just plain shitty at every aspect of this, so it was like I had never seen it done up close during my formative years. But despite this, it was not really that hard once I had the info.

As a result, I have looked at a lot of different approaches to communication and negotiation and conflict resolution and relationship skill-building. They all tend to have a few useful concepts and be applicable to some situations. Gottman is one of my favorites,though, and he offers more than a few common sense tips that once he spelled it out I was like: shit, this is the opposite of what other people said, but so obviously works 100% better! I got a lot out of his work. I have not read all his books, but I read a few, and heard him talk a few times in interviews. He's really accessible.

I think the book of his that I read for people that are not already in a marriage is called "The Relationship Cure".

[Lantern7]

I get my usual e-mail from OKC. I click a link for a profile, and I like the girl. I write a nice letter. This morning, I found out she liked me back. A few minutes ago, I looked for the profile. I got this:
 

Quote

 

Sorry, this profile is either private or doesn’t exist

But there are plenty more people to check out!

 

Like people know how to punch me in the gut. Damn. It.

[theredhead77]

It may be helpful to consider "likes" as bookmarks instead of "she liked me!!!!!" Because when it comes down to it that's what "likes" are marking a profile you want to find later. 

[Lantern7]

41 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

It may be helpful to consider "likes" as bookmarks instead of "she liked me!!!!!" Because when it comes down to it that's what "likes" are marking a profile you want to find later. 

Yeah, but pulling a profile offline after getting a nibble without any notice is pretty rude, at least to me. I know, so much shit in the world to angst about, but if I see someone liking me, I have to get excited. Because that seldom happens for me.

[Bastet]

32 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

Yeah, but pulling a profile offline after getting a nibble without any notice is pretty rude, at least to me.

Lack of notice to a stranger with whom the sole "interaction" consists of both people clicking on a like button and one writing an initial message is not rude.  Your perspective is consistently skewed towards assigning more weight than things deserve, and casting aspersions on the women for instead treating things as they really are.  A first date doesn't click, so there's no second, and you refer to it as her dumping you.  A profile disappears before you've even "talked" via messaging, and you call it rude and a punch to the gut.  Given that pattern, I suspect you may be giving off some wrong vibes.

[AgentRXS]

3 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

Like people know how to punch me in the gut. Damn. It.

 

51 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

Yeah, but pulling a profile offline after getting a nibble without any notice is pretty rude, at least to me.

Please, please come to realize it isn't about you. A woman has her reasons for uploading or deleting her online profile or for not pursing a 2nd date. It is her right to do so and it is not healthy to take it as an insult. No one even owes anyone else a response or a stated reason for not pursing a 2nd date. It is a courtesy, not a requirement.

[Lantern7]

I swear, I took that more as a “FML” situation, as opposed to someone on the site screwing with people.

ETA: . . . and more “fudge” than “fuck.”

Edited August 29, 2018 by Lantern7

[AgentRXS]

3 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

swear, I took that more as a “FML” situation,

Switch that up from "FML" to "Oh, well". Remember, that they are losing out on meeting you just as much as you are meeting them. Start thinking of yourself as someone people should want to get to know, and your whole outlook will change.

[CastleBell]

I am about to delete my profile despite having "liked" some men I've never spoken to and messaged men without the conversation reaching date-level.

This has nothing to do with any of the men and everything to do with me. I know "it's not you, it's me" is a joke-cliche meaning "it's actually you" but it is in fact true. I need a break. Probably a permanent one. 

I'm sorry to waste anyone's time or get anyone's hopes up but there's no other way out-- someone will always have just seen a like or messaged me because that's how it is from the under-40, living in a metropolis female side of the equation. There will never be a "polite" time for me to take down a profile if it is required that I wait for all activity to have died to zero. 

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 8/23/2018 at 5:38 AM, CastleBell said:

I am asking him questions and his messages are fairly long as well. I guess we've just fallen into that rhythm and we'll see where it goes.

I cruised by here because we're at the 20th anniversary of Mr. Outlier and me meeting in person, after three weeks of emailing each other.  Those emails were EPIC, and we were the king and queen of interlineation, so they really were like conversations.  I remember at one point he suggested that we prune them, but then wondered if would just cause them to grow back lusher than they were before.  If I were online dating today, I would kill for someone who sent long messages.

I posted about my experience a couple of years ago--I found it, and am quoting it below.  I'm not sure it will give anyone hope currently, because it's almost archaic how it played out when compared to what goes on today.  But you never know. 
 

Quote

 

I met Mr. Outlier online in 1998, on a site called matchmaker.com, which I don't even know if it's still in existence.  We're coming up on 18 years.  One thing I liked about that site was that it was more local than match.com.  I didn't want a long-distance relationship, and it turned out Mr. O lived about 5 miles from me.

We both had very wordy profiles and it was clear that we had both read each other's thoroughly before communicating.  My photo was of me in the first grade; his was from his Malibu Grand Prix driver's license.  Not exactly Tinder material, from what I gather.

We corresponded via email (lengthy ones) for about 3 weeks before ever meeting; our first phone call (this was before texting) was to set up meeting at the putt-putt course in an hour (it was at night, but we needed to wait for the thunderstorm to pass before going out with long metal sticks).  We hit it off and extended it by going to dinner. 

I was in contact with probably over 100 people, from what I remember (some of which I initiated), and went on just a few dates before meeting him.  A bad one was with a man who had a very high "match" score or whatever it is.  We met for lunch and it was no fun--sitting there looking at someone is just too much pressure, and that's from someone who was once described (by a friend!) as a lifetime .500 talker.  About halfway through, the guy revealed something that would need a lot of overcoming not to be a deal-breaker, and I think I didn't do a very good job of hiding that.  I learned not to give much credence to any sort of "match" score, and to use my gut instead.

I met a few others, usually to go skating or mountainbike riding, or to come out to the lake if I was going to be out there.  Always some sort of activity to make it easy to be together. 

I don't know if it was self-selection, or just the way things were back then, but I got only a few messages that only said, "Let's meet" or whatever.  I responded to every single one, though, just to be polite.  And sometimes that was hard, like when, in spite of my saying I didn't want kids and I didn't want to deal with anyone else's kids, one guy kept insisting his kids were great and I should reconsider my position. 

Or to get rid of the men who were much older than I was, and didn't seem to exhibit anything that indicated they would be a good fit for someone who had just turned 41 other than their claim that they looked and felt much younger than they were.  I finally changed my age range to 36-40 just to try to keep the maximum age down to below 60.  That became a little awkward when I met Mr. Outlier and he looked about 12.  It turned out I was 10 years older than him, and that was fine with him.

At first I resented these geezers stereotypically going after much younger women, but then I realized that this was the ONE place you could totally specify what you want, so why not?  If you're 60 and want a woman in her 30s, go for it.  I guess.

All that said, I can't imagine trying to attempt online dating these days.  I'm more of an 84 Charing Cross Road type, not a Tinder swiper, and it's really rare to find that in a man, even ones who are as old as I am.  But I'm grateful for what being online gave me.  There's no way in a million worlds that Mr. Outlier and I would have crossed paths.  And I'm not naive enough to think he's the only one for me on the planet, but he's a good one and I'm very happy to have him.

 

[DeLurker]

I just saw this on twitter:

Dear strange, random Twitter men;- 

Don’t say anything to women on here that you wouldn’t want a man to say to you in a prison shower.

Seems like it might be suitable for online dating sites too.

[JTMacc99]

Quote

You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!

Heh. This quote popped into my head when I read a dating profile that said she stays optimistic no matter what life throws at her. I then thought me too! Followed by, what am I, stupid? 

I shouldn’t be so entertained by “Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?” yet here I am chuckling at it. Probably because I am a stupid optimist who totally believes nice things will happen. 

[ratgirlagogo]

5 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Probably because I am a stupid optimist who totally believes nice things will happen. 

You woke up this morning, you're still breathing, and living on the only known planet that supports human life.  You don't have a fatal disease, and neither do any of your kids.  What a bunch of nice things to happen!

I'm an optimist too (well, mostly:)).

[aradia22]

Quote

This has nothing to do with any of the men and everything to do with me. I know "it's not you, it's me" is a joke-cliche meaning "it's actually you" but it is in fact true. I need a break. Probably a permanent one. 

Selfishly, I hope you still lurk around this thread as I like hearing your stories and getting your advice. :)

[JTMacc99]

I always think nice things will happen for me. That’s why a good rant like that quote makes me so amused. It’s also why I keep up to date with our pet peeves thread.

Cranky, witty, people are the best. 

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

Probably because I am a stupid optimist who totally believes nice things will happen. 

I had to sadly accept the fact that I am an optimist, a reluctant one, but an optimist nonetheless, about 15 years ago.  I never thought of myself as one and I only found out when my closest friends and co-workers called me Jane (from Pride & Prejudice) behind my back as I tended to have a sunny side of the street outlook (and thinking I sounded quite dim as a result).  I was saved from being cast out by virtue of a bone dry sense of humor and deep sarcasm.

[JTMacc99]

24 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

I was saved from being cast out by virtue of a bone dry sense of humor and deep sarcasm.

The more miserable the situation, the sharper I get. Because being positive when everything is so clearly negative is both a good thing for morale, and freaking funny. 

[possibilities]

Without humor, I'd be dead. For sure.

I used to think I was a pessimist, but then I realized I'm actually an optimist in frequently gruesome circumstances. The realization came when I met some new people who didn't know my life, and as they got to know me, they kept bugging out their eyes and saying things like "You're so positive!" and "I can't believe how calm you are!" and I was like: ?????

It's kind of hilarious to me that people think it's special and amazing when you don't just curl up and die in the face of (whatever), or that you can actually be praised for being not-miserable. I figure happiness is its own reward and optimism is what keeps you from killing yourself under duress. I consider myself quite cynical and bitter at times, but other people don't, and apparently that's actually because life is shitty and you're supposed to hate it -- and I think that's funny as hell.

---

RE dating: I quit signing on to OKC when they wanted everyone to use their "real name" and it just annoyed me because it seemed like asking people to lie even more than they already do. Also, I got bored because I wasn't seeing anyone local who interested me. I'm thinking of going back, though. I'm wondering if anyone who uses OKCupid thinks the atmosphere has changed since the policy shift, or if it's basically the same as it always was.

[aradia22]

Oh, I'm definitely in the cynical, neurotic, misanthropic pessimist category. But it gets balanced out by my empathetic, progressive nature. 

Quote

RE dating: I quit signing on to OKC when they wanted everyone to use their "real name" and it just annoyed me because it seemed like asking people to lie even more than they already do. Also, I got bored because I wasn't seeing anyone local who interested me. I'm thinking of going back, though. I'm wondering if anyone who uses OKCupid thinks the atmosphere has changed since the policy shift, or if it's basically the same as it always was.

I haven't been on it a ton. I don't think things are super duper different. It's a little annoying because I send fewer messages to "unattainable" people or people who are a little out of reach. But it does make it easier to avoid people you don't want to talk to and if you unmatch it feels easier than blocking. It feels more like releasing a fish back into the sea. Instead of... I don't know. Whacking that fish away from you with a tennis racket. 

[JTMacc99]

On 8/29/2018 at 11:41 AM, CastleBell said:

This has nothing to do with any of the men and everything to do with me. I know "it's not you, it's me" is a joke-cliche meaning "it's actually you" but it is in fact true. I need a break. Probably a permanent one. 

I hope that some of the things you are taking with you from your experience are good things. I was just evaluating my last month and a half and realized that I've learned a couple of great new lessons; things about me that were important to learn. 

I certainly wouldn't worry about just shutting down your profile while there are feelers out on either side. When I see the profiles that are "currently unavailable" I like to think that person found somebody and has made her profile inactive. Because see above: I believe in nice things. The more likely scenario is that the person is fed up with the site and shut it down. Either way, unless I was in mid conversation with the person, I wouldn't be even remotely troubled by someone I had "like" style of contact disappearing from the site. 

[CastleBell]

On September 2, 2018 at 10:46 PM, possibilities said:

RE dating: I quit signing on to OKC when they wanted everyone to use their "real name" and it just annoyed me because it seemed like asking people to lie even more than they already do. Also, I got bored because I wasn't seeing anyone local who interested me. I'm thinking of going back, though. I'm wondering if anyone who uses OKCupid thinks the atmosphere has changed since the policy shift, or if it's basically the same as it always was.

If anything, I think I prefer it. Not because of the name aspect-- yes, people lie, but people seem to be open about lying about their names, so no difference in the long run-- but because of the change requiring mutual likes to get messages in your inbox. For me, that worked exactly as intended: I put more energy into looking at and reaching out to people who interested me instead of just spending hours on end triaging the unsolicited messages I got and not doing anything else.

On September 2, 2018 at 4:45 PM, aradia22 said:

Selfishly, I hope you still lurk around this thread as I like hearing your stories and getting your advice. :)

Of course! And thank you for the help you've given me from time to time. :) 

On September 4, 2018 at 12:57 PM, JTMacc99 said:

I hope that some of the things you are taking with you from your experience are good things. I was just evaluating my last month and a half and realized that I've learned a couple of great new lessons; things about me that were important to learn. 

 

It's hard to meet a stranger with whom you might not have crossed paths otherwise and not learn something, so I've taken some good things from the experience. But it may be that the big thing I learned about myself is that I'm just not wired for online dating.

I tend to get anxious in new social situations/dynamics. Usually I get over it. When I was first promoted at work and had to boss people around it was nerve-wracking; now it's not. When I started taking ice skating lessons as an adult, I felt ridiculous; now I don't, and even though I've learned to skate I keep going to the classes for the sheer enjoyment of it. The first time I ask a friend to join me at the movies or for lunch, it's scary; the next time, not really. But online dating never got easier. I was sick and distracted (terror, not anticipation) in the lead up to every date and often just when I opened the app. For me, the possibility of a wonderful relationship coming from this isn't worth the stress of continuing to try to walk through a wall.

I was reading an article (https://www.economist.com/briefing/2018/08/18/how-the-internet-has-changed-dating) about online dating and this line jumped out at me:

Quote

It is tempting to hope that people made unhappy by online dating will stop. But people do things that make them unhappy all the time, and businesses often profit from their sadness.

The process made me unhappy far more than it ever made me happy, so I stopped.

[JTMacc99]

I'm not actively hunting at the moment. I leave myself visible on Match, because I paid for it, and who knows when somebody interesting might show up.

But of the 50 some odd visits to my profile, and some number of likes/being rated "yes" over the weekend, has anyone interesting shown up you ask?

Heh. Sorry, but that meme had me laughing out loud so I had to share. It's not actually THAT bad.

[aradia22]

I've been chatting with a bunch of guys in the last few weeks. Some of it has been serious. Some of it has been flirty. But mostly it's been the very casual sort of "do you reply like a spam bot?" chatting. With all of that who do I have a date with? My gay BFF. We're going to the ballet tomorrow. XD

But I may be seeing Mr. Slow and Easy sometime during the day Thursday. We've been consistently texting but not having very involved conversations. And I may be going on with a bartender on Saturday. He says he's looking for something serious but that's not the vibe I get from his profile. I wasn't looking for anything serious with him but we'll see what happens. There was a guy who said he was maybe free Sunday or Wednesday but then he didn't reply back until I was like... Wednesday? And he said no which freed me up to probably have a better night hanging out with my friend.

[AgentRXS]

10 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Heh. Sorry, but that meme had me laughing out loud so I had to share. It's not actually THAT bad

Heh, I came across that same meme and was going to post it here too! You beat me to it!

[theredhead77]

I had a nice back and forth with someone then it stopped. Turns out I never replied and I realized it a few days later. I was going to reply when I got home and by then he had unmatched. So I'm the jerk that stopped replying.

[aradia22]

You ever exchange like 4 messages with a cute boy and then he disappears because either it wasn't exciting enough or he was fake and you're like damn, I wish I'd just given him my number on the off chance he was real so I could have touched his abs? XD

[aradia22]

2-3 weeks and it's all starting to feel soul-crushing again. I kind of wish I didn't have to wait on matches and yet it's just not an efficient way to go through the site to read every single person's profile, decide if I want to message them, and then re-read the profile to write something based on their profile.

Also, it's really not helping that okc keeps sending me the same people when I'm swiping. I'm not an idiot. I appreciate that it's giving me a second look at someone I might have swiped left on accidentally but if I've swiped left on someone 4 times, it's not going to happen.

[aradia22]

OK, I've been connecting with a lot of cute... I mean like fitness model attractive... guys over the past week or so. I've come to two conclusions...

Either 1) There are cute boys who also think I'm cute but don't think that they have to work for it and that I'll just come over to hook up.

OR 2) It's a bunch of quick catfishes because someone is trying to steal my kidneys.

[JTMacc99]

How many kidneys do you really need?

[JTMacc99]

I

Edited October 8, 2018 by JTMacc99

[theredhead77]

17 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

But now I'm a little concerned about that plan. I'm wondering if I should throw out the idea of playing a round of mini-golf first

I was literally going to suggest mini-golf before I saw you suggested it. I think that's a great idea.

[AgentRXS]

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

Here's the deal. We chatted for about 10 minutes yesterday afternoon and fun and flirty text lady was kind of monotone and not exactly upbeat on the phone. 

Could be nerves, a bad day, or she's just highly introverted. As an introverted female, I'd say mini-golf is a great start.

[JTMacc99]

Maybe I just like creating bullshit problems in my head. 

But I’m going to suggest mini golf anyway. 

[theredhead77]

6 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Maybe I just like creating bullshit problems in my head. 

But I’m going to suggest mini golf anyway. 

You can always preface the dinner / drinks portion with "and if we're hungry or want to grab a drink after...." to give both of you a graceful exit if you're not feeling it.

[aradia22]

I like the second plan with the mini golf. Besides, I don't think a date has to be expensive but it shows some thought to choose an activity date vs. dinner or "walking in the park with water." (I swear, guys in their twenties could not telegraph harder that they do not want to spend money.) 

Quote

Here's the deal. We chatted for about 10 minutes yesterday afternoon and fun and flirty text lady was kind of monotone and not exactly upbeat on the phone. 

Hmph. Not sure what to make of that, but at the moment I can't make anything overly positive from it. Maybe it was because she just got off of work. Even the topics she wanted to cover weren't exactly fun. 

I struggle with this sometimes too. Not being monotone. But sometimes you're torn between wanting to be flirty and engaging and just wanting to be real for a moment. Even if it's just the early stages of dating, sometimes you want to drop the facade so it feels less like work and more like you're getting to know the other person. Especially when you keep getting "how are you?" thrown at you, sometimes you want to answer honestly. This is how I am. This is what I'm thinking about. I'm sorry if it's not fun but I can't be over here tap-dancing for your amusement when I'm a real person with real feelings. This is not a criticism of you, @JTMacc99. I'm just saying she might be the person you thought she was but she might also be a complex human who has different moods. Or maybe you're right and you have incompatible personalities. But don't jump to the worst case scenario. The only way you'll find out for sure is to go on the date.

[aradia22]

OK, tell me if this is normal or if I've just become one of those millennials. I used to call people on the phone. But now I feel like you don't call unless there's an emergency or you're meeting up with someone and you need to find each other, etc. Like, what if I'm at work or in the grocery store or a doctor's appointment or in the kitchen with a knife in my hand? Text me. Why are you calling? 

Anyway, I gave this guy my number because we were supposed to meet last Saturday. I think he's called me two or three times already. One was at like 10pm at night because he said he was in my neighborhood and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out (I ignored it). Another time was this afternoon... I was having lunch and told him I was busy. Is it weird that he keeps randomly calling or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Also, we're supposed to meet this Saturday and he doesn't get off work until 10pm (he's a bartender) and I don't know if I want to hang out that late. There's not even much to do at that hour. Most places that aren't bars close by 10:30 or 11. 

[DeLurker]

Some people are just chatty and genuinely like to talk on the phone.  He might be one of these.

[JTMacc99]

On 10/4/2018 at 1:04 PM, aradia22 said:

The only way you'll find out for sure is to go on the date.

Yeah, I'm going. Her pictures were cute; maybe she's really good looking in person. (I hope I've said enough here over the years that my wise-ass nature isn't lost in the written word.)

 

On 10/4/2018 at 12:28 PM, AgentRXS said:

Could be nerves, a bad day, or she's just highly introverted. As an introverted female, I'd say mini-golf is a great start.

I didn't get a read off of her that she had nerves. 

So yeah, I'm going. 

Edited October 8, 2018 by JTMacc99

[DeLurker]

@JTMacc99 - things are going to smoothly in your world.  You are actually inventing problems!

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Like, what if I'm at work or in the grocery store or a doctor's appointment or in the kitchen with a knife in my hand? Text me. Why are you calling? 

I would turn that around and ask, Why are you answering?  If the phone rings when you're in the middle of something, let them leave a message and then call back when you have time to chat.  If you're in the middle of a doctor's appointment, are you reading texts any more than you'd be answering calls?  So I don't see the difference between him calling for the things he called about than if he'd texted about them.  But if he calls for every little thing, yeah, I'd find that a little odd.  (And I'd be annoyed by the 10:00 "I'm in the neighborhood" thing whatever the medium, because you have to have an established relationship for that to be okay.)

I email a lot more than I call (I don't text), but I'm nowhere near the point that calls are reserved for emergencies.  For me, calls are for conversation; catching up/discussing current events with someone who doesn't live close enough we can go chat over drinks, or just a short conversation that's going to involve multiple things - I want to get all the information at once, in a natural back and forth.  Emails are for asking a question or two that don't need a timely answer and aren't going to involve much follow-up.

[aradia22]

Quote

If you're in the middle of a doctor's appointment, are you reading texts any more than you'd be answering calls?  So I don't see the difference between him calling for the things he called about than if he'd texted about them. 

The difference is the ringtone. I don't have my phone set to do not disturb (except during sleeping hours) in case there's an emergency. 

But maybe I'm just getting prickly about phone calls because I spent so many months (still happens occasionally) getting telemarketer calls 3-5 times a day. I don't mind talking on the phone. It's just the unexpected calls that jangle my nerves. Seriously, if you look at my phone, aside from my parents it's mostly random numbers from telemarketers/scams calling every day or two at random hours. 

[JTMacc99]

The phone is just a seldom used app on my iPhone. Look at what using it did for my spirits this week. I’m with you @aradia22, it’s for emergencies, ordering take out, and breaking up with people. 

[BookWoman56]

11 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I'm wondering if I should throw out the idea of playing a round of mini-golf first and then heading over to the Spanish tapas restaurant for something to eat afterwards. In other words, maybe start off with some kind of activity that might loosen up Ms Monotone, and put me in an environment where the way my goofy brain works will be on full display as opposed to us throwing a bunch of questions at each other.

This sounds like a good idea. For Ms. Monotone, it may be that it's easier for her to do conversations on the app but actually talking live to you is a transition, and if so, when you actually meet in person it may take a while for her to reconcile having flirted with you via app versus being face-to-face. FWIW, my only semi-romantic relationship is mostly conducted online, because we live in different cities and are now in different parts of the country. This person and I flirt quite a bit online, with some very explicit comments at times, but every time we have been physically in the same room together, alone, it's taken me a good 30 minutes to reach the same comfort level in person as I have online. 

[ratgirlagogo]

14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Anyway, I gave this guy my number because we were supposed to meet last Saturday. I think he's called me two or three times already. One was at like 10pm at night because he said he was in my neighborhood and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out (I ignored it). Another time was this afternoon... I was having lunch and told him I was busy. Is it weird that he keeps randomly calling or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Also, we're supposed to meet this Saturday and he doesn't get off work until 10pm (he's a bartender) and I don't know if I want to hang out that late. There's not even much to do at that hour. Most places that aren't bars close by 10:30 or 11. 

I don't know if it's weird or not. Eager but I don't know if that's bad.  I mean, you already were interested enough to arrange a real life meetup.

Working nights and weekends and holidays is kind of par for the course in restaurant/bar work.  That might be a problem for you.

[JTMacc99]

She suggested that we hit an nice park near us with a hiking trail. I like that idea and said I’m game. 

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

She suggested that we hit an nice park near us with a hiking trail. I like that idea and said I’m game. 

Initiative!  Good for her!

[JTMacc99]

1 minute ago, DeLurker said:

Initiative!  Good for her!

Well, it's generally my thought that it's not a bad idea to let the women pick first date venue. Someplace where they're going to feel comfortable. (I'm surprised she picked park/hiking trail, but I think it's great.) So I started the conversation with a weather report and said I have some thoughts, but before I throw them out, did she have anything she had been thinking about doing.

If she did, I was probably going to agree to whatever she said within reason. If she didn't, I wouldn't be wishy-washy about it and just fire off ideas A, B, and C.

[possibilities]

I don't answer the phone unless I want to talk. That's why people have voice mail.

Because I sometimes don't even want to hear the ring, I also turn the ringer off sometimes.

With caller ID, you can decide whether to answer if you think it might be an emergency. But no one you haven't met in person yet is going to call with an emergency. So who is it that is on your emergency call list? Maybe set them up with their own ringtone, and ignore any others.

But if you don't want to receive non-emergency calls, you can tell people: "I'm giving you my phone number but it's only for emergencies."

With the explosion in ways to communicate nowadays, different people have different preferences for which methods and what each is for. It's way more complicated than it used to be, and I think we have to give each other some margin for error if they don't immediately guess what your preferences are, or if it takes them a while to memorize them, because there is so much variation in how people like to do things.

I hate that there are so many different things you have to check if you want to get all the communication from all the people and not miss any messages. But then I also like that each method has pros and cons, and if one fails there are others to try.

Back in the day, the phone was the only way to get a message to anyone in less than a few days (other than driving over there, or sending a telegram). And you might get a busy signal and have to keep trying. Or it would just ring and ring and you couldn't even leave a message if no one answered.

Eventually we got answering machines, but they didn't work if someone was actually on the line. There was no caller ID, no call waiting, no voice mail. It would ring, and you took your chances and either someone answered or didn't. And you'd never even know if anyone had tried to call when you were out, or while you were talking to someone else.

I'm only 53! This wasn't that long ago. So the chaos and variable norms I think are because it's all relatively new technology, and the rules vary from person to person.

Now there are almost too many ways to communicate.

Edited October 5, 2018 by possibilities