Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

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I would not. But I am so overwhelmed that I have trouble trusting my own judgment. 

It's up to you. I think if you feel like this is the awkwardness of meeting a stranger, maybe some discomfort on both sides, and just generally things you can get past or that might be smoothed out as you get to know each other then see him again. If you feel like there are major incompatibilities, if you feel like you're going to dwell on his flaws more than embrace any good attributes, if you would just be uncomfortable and unhappy... don't put yourself through that. It's a judgment call you have to make for yourself. Maybe think it over for a day or two. If you decide you don't want to see him again, you can tell him casually, just never set up a second date, or straight up block him. But it's not your responsibility to accommodate him. 

I get feeling overwhelmed but sooner or later you will realize what you already know. I go on fewer dates (haven't been out with anyone since June) but I'm wasting less time.

[CastleBell]

This morning, a man sent me this as an opening message:

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Did I perchance see you wandering around the [art museum] this evening? :)

Added sign the world is closing in on me: that museum is where Mr. Connecticut wanted to take me this weekend.

That'd be okay, and I liked most of his profile, but here's how it started:

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I can't see "Likes," so drop a note to say hello. And, please, make it interesting enough for me to want to write back. Really...

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not [age listed on my profile]. You're welcome to ask me my real age, or anything else that you want, but only while you're sitting on my lap. 

Next!

Oh, it turns out that today is have-I-seen-you day. Do guys coordinate these things? Here's the next opening message:

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You look familiar, do you work around [neighborhood I don't work around, but which I'm visiting today to meet Mr. Washington DC]?

Not answering him either, as his profile is a virtual blank and if I'm putting myself out there, the guy most certainly can too.

So, anyone remember the man I really liked until I read his questions and saw he was a racist homophobe? It's been several weeks, but this popped up in my inbox from him:

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Did you kick that guy to the curb yet? I'm u next up? Happy Friday

Dude, it wasn't about someone else... it was about not you. Though probably I sent a mixed message by telling him he was hot while telling him I wasn't interested. Whoops.

And Mr. Australia sent me a link to a podcast about gene mutations. I wish things had gone better in person, because I think I would like to know someone who sent me links to science podcasts...

Okay, mailbox clear. Ready to face the day. Maybe. 

[aradia22]

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And Mr. Australia sent me a link to a podcast about gene mutations. I wish things had gone better in person, because I think I would like to know someone who sent me links to science podcasts...

It's never worked for me but... who knows? You might be able to genuinely make a friend. 

[CastleBell]

On December 1, 2017 at 1:48 AM, Lantern7 said:

Tweaking my OKC profile. Might need help with that. Should I be forward about my lack of employment? It's not that I don't look for a job, but I keep billing myself as "freelance," and I don't really do it often to rightfully justify that.

Would it feel more authentic for you if you wrote something like "sometimes-freelancer, always on the lookout for better opportunities to use my skills?"

18 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I go on fewer dates (haven't been out with anyone since June) but I'm wasting less time.

Good for you! I hope the next guy you do go out with really suits you and deserves you, because you're awesome. Thanks so much for your feedback this week.

 

Sooo... I tend to have nightmares the night before a blind date. It wasn't a problem that I woke up early today, though, since I knew I had to cram several days' worth of errands into one morning. (Last weekend I was traveling, and this afternoon I was meeting Mr. Washington DC.) I rushed through them, really wishing I could just relax and enjoy the process, but hey, that's not how my schedule shook out. I grabbed frantically for my phone as I was leaving the mall,  wanting to make sure I wasn't running late. There was a text on the screen.

"You free this weekend?"

Yeah, Mr. Portugal. I hadn't bothered blocking him, but I also hadn't responded to his unsolicited commentary on my holiday time commitments several days before. So, that meant that as I was getting ready to meet Mr. Washington DC, Mr. Portugal asked me for Mr. Washington DC's time slot, when the day before Mr. Connecticut had asked me for Mr. Washington DC's timeslot as I was on my way to meet Mr. Australia. 

This time I did block Mr. Portugal, which seems harsh, but I haven't had great luck in trying to explain myself to men lately.

I had told Mr. Washington DC to choose a place halfway between our homes, so I suppose I was in no position to dread his choice: a trendy coffee shop that's loud and standing-room-only on weekend afternoons. It's normally about half an hour from me by train, but because of construction and shuttle buses through some of the train stations, more like 45 minutes. 

I was feeling kind of sick when I got home, but I put on  my date clothes and makeup and did my hair. I hopefully checked OKC for a message that Mr. Washington DC had had a work emergency and needed to postpone, but nothing. I promised myself that I would order food delivery and watch bad TV and completely turn off within a few hours. Checking my makeup one last time-- I'm not great at makeup but I did surprisingly nice work today-- I grabbed my phone to drop into my bag.

Oh look, a message.

Mr. Washington DC was running late with his errands and could we push the date back a few hours?

It's hilarious to me that I literally turned down two other men who wanted to go out this afternoon because I had plans with Mr. Washington, and that I rushed through my obligations so I could honor those plans and he... had errands. Not a last-minute emergency with work or family, or a schedule that shifted so early on so that he could warn me so that I could change my schedule too, but errands of which he notified me as my hand was quite literally on the door. 

So I told him that I had an appointment later in the afternoon and pushing back our meeting would be cutting it too close, but maybe another time. This time I don't think I'm wrong in saying there will not be another time. I'm sure he'll have no trouble finding someone who needs nothing from him beyond "I'm a reasonably handsome plane-flying doctor" but I kind of need a better first impression than this.

Edited December 2, 2017 by CastleBell

[Lantern7]

13 minutes ago, CastleBell said:

Would it feel more authentic for you if you wrote something like "sometimes-freelancer, always on the lookout for better opportunities to use my skills?"

You know, that might work. It's not that I feel like I always have to be honest, but my conscience can weigh on me. Also, I'm convinced that I can't lie without revealing myself. That applies to in-person, but it might come across online as well.

[aradia22]

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So, that meant that as I was getting ready to meet Mr. Washington DC, Mr. Portugal asked me for Mr. Washington DC's time slot, when the day before Mr. Connecticut had asked me for Mr. Washington DC's timeslot as I was on my way to meet Mr. Australia. 

Well now I have to know what Mr. Washington D.C.'s timeslot was. What is this magical time of day? 5pm on Wednesday? ;)

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This time I did block Mr. Portugal, which seems harsh, but I haven't had great luck in trying to explain myself to men lately.

Do whatever you feel is right. You don't owe anyone your time. If you feel like he'd argue and get belligerent or make you feel bad, you're justified in avoiding all of that. A stranger's mental health and well-being is no more valuable than your own. Especially when that stranger has not put in any effort but feels entitled to your time or (if you had gone on a date) has made himself unpleasant. 

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It's hilarious to me that I literally turned down two other men who wanted to go out this afternoon because I had plans with Mr. Washington, and that I rushed through my obligations so I could honor those plans and he... had errands. Not a last-minute emergency with work or family, or a schedule that shifted so early on so that he could warn me so that I could change my schedule too, but errands of which he notified me as my hand was quite literally on the door. 

So I told him that I had an appointment later in the afternoon and pushing back our meeting would be cutting it too close, but maybe another time. This time I don't think I'm wrong in saying there will not be another time. I'm sure he'll have no trouble finding someone who needs nothing from him beyond "I'm a reasonably handsome plane-flying doctor" but I kind of need a better first impression than this.

I don't know. In this case, I'm inclined to give him another shot. "Errands" can sometimes be code. Or maybe it means that he was so caught up with other things and he needs to get to the store now because not doing those errands would throw off his whole week. If your hand was on the door, I'm guessing he told you an hour to 45 minutes before your date? That's not great but... it's better than the alternative. It's up to you but I wouldn't want this drama with the other guys to get in the way of you connecting with someone wonderful who wanted to push back a date a few hours. Or maybe he's terrible but this time I think it's harsh to write him off based on this "first impression." 

[aradia22]

New first messages

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Hey Are you open to black men by any chance ...ever thought about it at least?

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I don't know if it's the weed talking but, god, I wish I was talking with you about the mundane to the head scratchers. I really wish you and I were sitting over a meal or laid up or walking through a park and just *talking*. It might be the weed talking, but it makes me say things I'd be telling my girl. Or someone I can *see* as my girl. And c'mon LOOK at me. Do I look like somebody who could ever "sweet talk"?

Plus a really nice one that I'm not posting (yet) that mentions stuff from my profile. I haven't decided whether I want to engage yet. He's not unattractive. He's just not my type. And I've come to realize that for me trying to get past a lack of physical attraction because a guy is smart or sweet or otherwise great on paper doesn't work that well. 

[Lantern7]

Finally got around to seeing the Adam Ruins Everything episode that included dating. I'm not depressed-depressed about it, but it's discouraging. I don't see any other options for me because I don't get out much, and I'm not really social.

[CastleBell]

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I don't know. In this case, I'm inclined to give him another shot. "Errands" can sometimes be code. Or maybe it means that he was so caught up with other things and he needs to get to the store now because not doing those errands would throw off his whole week. 

Interesting. My impression was more that "errands" was a modernized "I'm washing my hair." I don't have a lot of sympathy if it really was errands that would throw off his week if left undone, because I've thrown off this week and possibly next by prioritizing dating. It would be nice if I were able to offer him more flexibility, but I have a limited amount of mental-emotional energy and a limited amount of time. The three blind dates in a week that was busy anyway has pretty much exhausted it.

Meanwhile, I had told Mr. Connecticut that I picked the restaurant for our first date so he should pick it for the second. He responded by texting me a list of ten restaurants, saying I'd probably been to all of them (I'd been to one), and telling me to pick. Since I was already concerned about him being so agreeable that I hadn't gotten to know him at all, this wasn't an auspicious start. However, while he's still very agreeable, this time he stopped the obsequious thing where he'd repeat me all the time. The conversation was more normal-first-date-awkward than the super-quick, don't stop to draw breath conversation that the first date was. There are officially zero red flags or even yellow flags... but also zero attraction and excitement. I don't know what I'm going to do re: a third date.

He did get whatever-that-scent-is on me again. At least this time I know it's on my hair, and tying it back seems to have helped. 

[aradia22]

@CastleBell It's up to you. Maybe it's not the right time for the two of you to be together with your schedules. But I just don't think Dr. Drake Ramoray is a terrible guy and if you weren't juggling as many dates it probably wouldn't come off as badly. (I don't know what his actual name is but a doctor-pilot reminded me of Joey's soap opera character on Friends.) It's not one's fault if you're both busy for your own reasons. But maybe if things calm down or don't work with the other guys, don't write him off if he reaches out again. 

You said Mr. Connecticutt looked better in his photo but you also really liked his look from his photo. So is there no physical attraction in person? If that's the case, I wouldn't go for a third date. The beginning is when you get to feel all fluttery. If that initial spark isn't there, what are you building on?

Of course, here I am still not having decided if I'm going to respond to that guy. Among other things... his lips are too big. I don't know if I should just go out with him because it seems like we'd get along or not waste his time because I don't think I'm going to get past that lack of attraction. On paper though... really great.

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, CastleBell said:

My impression was more that "errands" was a modernized "I'm washing my hair." I don't have a lot of sympathy if it really was errands that would throw off his week if left undone, because I've thrown off this week and possibly next by prioritizing dating.

I find texting you that close to your meeting time and asking to reschedule for a non-urgent reason, especially one as mundane as "running late doing errands," incredibly rude.  If it was an apologetic phone call instead - saying he'd lost track of time, knows it's appallingly bad manners to get in touch with you so late and he's sorry for that, and asking if you can reschedule - I wouldn't write him off if I was otherwise interested; we all make dumb mistakes sometimes.  But that he thought nothing of sending a casual text, like running late doing errands is a perfectly acceptable reason to bail on someone at the last minute rather than an embarrassing screw-up bound to leave a bad impression, is a problem to me.

[possibilities]

Seriously; my time is valuable. If getting to the first date on time is not a priority for you, and it's a casual thing to try to reschedule at the last minute, we'd never be a match.

[aradia22]

Dear Men Who Say They Are 6'1 On Dating Sites,

I have eyes. 

-Me

Seriously though, I guess it's to get past a filter if someone's searching by height. Even though at least on okc if you're just swiping then I don't think the filters work except for age. But it's pretty darn obvious even if you're taking a photo from the waist up. I might not be able to guess exactly how tall you are without a full body photo next to some recognizable objects. But even then I can roughly tell if someone is tall or short. And for the guys who have the audacity to take full body photos next to recognizable objects when they are clearly 5'4 to 5'7 and still say that they're 6'0 or 6'1... what are you doing? 

[JTMacc99]

One of the things that makes online dating difficult is the profile problem. 

In real life, you approach someone at a party or social situation because you’re attracted to him or her. Then you start talking and look for common interests. 

Online, you can easily read through a profile, find lots of common interests, think you’ll get along great, and have to convince yourself that he or she is attractive. 

 What you end up with is “I like you, but not feeling the chemistry.” Totally not fun. 

[possibilities]

4 hours ago, nosleepforme said:

Unless you plan on staying unemployed, I don't think you need to put it in your dating profile. 

You can also list what type of work or field you're in, even if you're between gigs. "Retail" or "Food Service" or "Education" or "Mechanic" or "Manufacturing" or "Coal Miner" or "Sales" or "Graphic Design" or  "Starving Artist" or whatever it is.

RE attraction from a photo: maybe I'm the only one, but I am not always attracted to someone immediately, even when I meet them in person. It's the kind of thing that SOMETIMES happens, but other times it kicks in a little later. However, there are DEFINITELY things I find aversive, and which would cause me to be unlikely to develop an attraction later. I think it has to do with values--  not so much what their body is like, but how they present it-- which can be a total turn off for me. For instance, if they were wearing certain political slogans, I'd know we're not a match, or if they have bad hygiene, or if they look very high maintenance in how they dress. I go for a more "natural, down to earth" type look than a "high fashion, probably took an hour to create this image, and am working hard to convince you I'm gorgeous" look.

I had a friend who told me the height of his girlfriend was very important to him and he definitely considered anyone outside his acceptable height range to be ineligible. I was stunned by this and asked him about it. He said it was very important because of being at a peer height level when you kiss-- no stooping, no awkwardness. I have never even considered height in the top 100 things I would screen. But I guess he had his reasons. He was a decent height for a male, not shockingly tall but not short by any means. So I don't think it was an insecurity thing for him. I still don't care how tall someone is, though. I figure we can work around it. I use a wheelchair part time, so it's not like I'm going to find a lot of people it's easy to kiss without a little leaning anyway.

[aradia22]

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One of the things that makes online dating difficult is the profile problem. 

In real life, you approach someone at a party or social situation because you’re attracted to him or her. Then you start talking and look for common interests. 

Online, you can easily read through a profile, find lots of common interests, think you’ll get along great, and have to convince yourself that he or she is attractive. 

 What you end up with is “I like you, but not feeling the chemistry.” Totally not fun.

I mean, I think that's how it works with online dating too which is why people are accused of being shallow with the rise of Tinder-style swiping. But with online dating that person who might be too shy or afraid of rejection to approach you in person suddenly feels like they can take the chance. And since you're in the mindset of looking for potential matches (instead of just being at a party or looking for someone specific) you're open to them. A profile is a way for someone to present you with more of themselves than just a pickup line. The easy solution is to just not read the profiles of people you don't immediately feel an attraction to. But that feels shallow and as @nosleepforme pointed out, sometimes people are not the most photogenic. 

I did end up talking to that guy. He was asking for my number so things are unresolved at the moment. But on paper we have a lot of common interests to the point that I would feel bad about not even engaging with him. But no, he wouldn't be a guy I picked out across the room. And I think he might have too much baggage in general. 

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

The easy solution is to just not read the profiles of people you don't immediately feel an attraction to. But that feels shallow and as @nosleepforme pointed out, sometimes people are not the most photogenic. 

The little portion of the entire online dating process I'm talking about is after already weeding out the "people you don't immediately feel an attraction to" (AKA - 95% of population) and get down to what's left. When I was on OKC, I read 100% of the profiles of the ones who I was clearly attracted to, and messaged 100% of the ones who sounded interesting, didn't use your when they meant you're, and didn't make any statements that clearly eliminated me from contention.

I messaged 0% of the good looking ones who didn't sound interesting or fell below my grammar standards. 

It was the gray area of, "sounds like a good match on paper, but I can't tell for sure from these pictures if it's something I can work with going forward. For a long time, I took a chance. Struck up some good conversations. Of course they were good conversations. We had a lot in common. Went on some dates. Wanted things to work because the conversations were fun. But hanging out with my friends is also fun. And just like my with my friends, a friendly handshake at the end of the night seemed appropriate. 

And hell, I'm 100% certain that I went on dates where the other person took the exact same chance on me and the next day decided, "nope, not attracted to him."

To me, it's just an extra layer of complexity to work around. The solution, should I venture back into this space someday when I get my shit together, is to set my standards exactly where I want them to be in all aspects of what I'm looking for, and not waste anybody's time by waving some of those standards. (And by the way, I'm fully aware that what I may find attractive may make another person go, "really?" and the other way around. So I'm not comfortable with the idea that, even on Tinder, putting some emphasis on looks is shallow. It's kind of a big part of the deal.)

Edited December 7, 2017 by JTMacc99

[Lantern7]

OKC: Hey, somebody likes you.

Me: Holy shit! I mean, I'm kinda hitting it off with one woman, but it's nice to be wanted. Is her profile still up? I'll click the link from my mail . . .

Computer: UNSAFE LINK!!!!!

Me: Okay, I'll just open a tab, sign in, see who liked my profile, and check out her profile.
 

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My self-summary

Hi.

What I’m doing with my life

Msg me

 

Me: Okay. She has a location, height, 87 percent match (which might be bullshit) and two pics. But how the heck do I work with this?

[aradia22]

So it seems like it was all for naught because I didn't give him my number immediately and now he's not responding. Oh, well.

New first message.

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  You actually seem cool as hell!! Haha do you smoke too?

   

[CastleBell]

For those keeping score at home, Mr. Washington DC hasn't said anything since telling me that he was too busy with errands to make our date on time.

Mr. Cat Sitting Upstate actually did pop up, but I told him I have too much going on and he said maybe after the holidays.

And Mr. Connecticut... I worry about my own judgment when it comes to measuring attraction and chemistry. When I was younger, I often mis-registered an initial attraction as annoyance, both romantically and platonically. (With most of my close friends from high school and college, I remember the moment I first saw them and felt a surge of dislike. Same thing happened with my most significant ex-boyfriend.) I seem to have outgrown that quirk, but I do get very nervous about dates, especially blind ones. I think it's abundantly clear that Mr. Connecticut was very nervous that first day too. Nerves can mask and distort good things. So on the one hand I don't want to draw out giving Mr. Connecticut the "I like you but not feeling the chemistry" but I also don't want to say it before giving any latent chemistry a real chance to shine through. 

Which is to say that I've told him I'll see him again and we've been texting a bit. I'm not a big fan of texting as a way to get to know someone but in this situation I'm hoping it will give us a foothold to start a more natural conversation where we might see a real connection.

Going back to his picture: in the picture he's wearing a baseball cap (looks like he's on some kind of Halloween hayride with the nieces/nephews). The hat disguises his hairline, which is receding in a funny way. Not that a man losing his hair is any kind of deal breaker, but it does change the shape of his face. Same deal with the angle of the photo disguising the way his eyes are set very close together. That also changes the look of his whole face. He just looks like a person now, nothing repulsive, but nothing to give me the little "wow" I got from the original great picture. So I need the attraction to come exclusively from something I see inside of him because his looks alone aren't going to boost the it-factor. 

[aradia22]

Just got this email from okc. Not sure what to think yet...

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Next week, messaging on OkCupid will change. Only the people you like or have responded to will remain in your messages. Messages from people you're not interested in, or people you haven't liked yet, will be moved to their profile. So, if you haven't liked or responded to that seemingly swell human being, you should do that soon. On the plus side, all those unwanted messages will disappear.

[JTMacc99]

It's like an inbox clean up. I imagine for new messages, there will be some sort of time frame before it moves into only seen if you go to that person's profile. 

[CastleBell]

Apparently, the idea is to force women to browse and like profiles rather than just triage their inboxes, because no one will see an opening message from someone s/he hasn't already "liked." It cuts the "hi sexy" spam to nothing, but also means you won't see a nice, friendly opening message if you don't happen to have independently seen and liked the profile. And of course you can't see who liked you unless you paid...

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/comments/7igx6c/clarification_on_the_new_okc_messaging_changes/

[possibilities]

Thanks for making sense of it. I was totally unclear on what they were actually saying when I got that notice earlier today.

I guess they decided too many people are not paying, and they want to drive paid traffic and cut down on the rest of us.

I wonder if they'll see an increase in paid users, or if they'll see people just drop out.

I have zero use for "liking" a profile. If I'm interested, I'll send a message. I don't pay any attention to anyone who's too lazy to send me a message and thinks a "like" is worth my time. I think the whole "like" thing is totally stupid. It's the equivalent of saying "I want you to do all the work here". I also don't like people who wink at me on the street instead of coming over and attempting an actual conversation.

So yeah, I'm apparently old.

[aradia22]

Now that it's been explained... I don't hate it. I'm still not going to go back to paying for okc because I don't see the benefit. And I do a fair bit of browsing so the chances that I have somehow missed "liking" a good match are fairly slim. My experience with swiping is either running across the same guys I've already liked who don't reciprocate or wading through the dreck that otherwise populates okc. Maybe it's how my brain works but I find the system of "likes" and "bookmarks" useful. I like anyone who might be a good match or is in some way intriguing not because I expect them to message me but because I want want to see if they have already or will later reciprocate. It's that one extra step (even acknowledging that a lot of guys swipe mindlessly) when I'm thinking about sending out my own first messages. I see it less as an overture and more of a way of organizing the profiles I've already seen. I reserve bookmarks for guys who either seem really compatible with me on paper or who are out of my league. Bookmarks are for when I'm fully committed to the process and putting in the effort to write meaningful first messages. 

I'm cool with it as long as they don't get rid of the mutual like notification.

[aradia22]

New first message

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Hey sup (my name misspelled), are you looking to hookup ?

Relationship status: seeing someone

Yeah, really not hating the idea of having to like someone before their messages show up...

[possibilities]

So, getting ready to have my inbox forcibly "cleaned" without my participation, I went over to OKC to see if there was anything in there I hadn't noticed. Nope. So that's all taken care of. Seriously, I can manage my own inbox.

While I was there, I decided to see if I could deal with the whole "like a profile" thing. I saw that there were a lot of people who had "liked" my profile, but not messaged me. I got into a whole monologue with myself about how this says they are cowards and I need someone who's able to express herself and not be too insecure or lazy to actually write a message, because I don't really have a lot of patience for the whole "hand-holding and coaxing the passive and the insecure" way of life. If you're too insecure or inarticulate to even send me a message, it just seems like you'd be a lot of work to deal with on a regular basis.

But then I was looking at profiles again and I thought: some of these people look interesting, actually. And maybe my assessment of "liking a profile" but not sending a message is not really accurate. It might just be this newfangled etiquette, where instead of smiling at someone and seeing if they react positively or whether they turn away, you give them a "like" instead. Thinking about it that way, like a substitute for non-verbal communication that would otherwise happen in person, I don't mind it nearly so much.

I still find it annoying, but not as much as before. So maybe I'll get over it eventually. I used to be hip. Now I'm a curmudgeon. Maybe I should look for a site specifically geared for middle aged grumps. I think I actually might really like that:

Hey, All you eligible ladies/dykes! I'm cranky and I've earned it! I'm also a good time, but use your words because I don't have time for these newfangled social media traditions and people who mumble! Don't ask me to join Facebook or use Instagram, either. I'm not a Luddite, just a grump. I'm gonna kick menopause's ass pretty soon, am busy, and have no use for coy.

Edited December 10, 2017 by possibilities

[aradia22]

Have any of you heard or tried photofeeler? I gave it a shot. I can see how it would be helpful but it's not for the faint of heart. Guys are mean. I posted a totally normal headshot style (but just shot by a friend on a phone) photo I use for work and on a scale of 0 to 3, 16 people just straight up voted 0 for unattractive. I don't care what anonymous strangers think but damn, that's harsh. 

Anyway, I think it might be more helpful if you have more going on in your photo so you can decide if you should post that photo with a tiger or crop it so you don't look so far away. It's not a terrible idea in theory. 

[CastleBell]

As I was cleaning my inbox of random heys from men with blank profiles, I decided that I'm willing to keep an open mind about this change, even if I am concerned about missing a message from someone I didn't see to like. I haven't bothered liking anyone yet since without it I had as many conversations as I could handle. 

ETA: Probably I shouldn't base any romantic decisions on whether someone writes "Kim Jong Oon (sp?)" instead of looking it up or KNOWING it's Kim Jong Un.

Edited December 11, 2017 by CastleBell
Korean dictator made me do it

[CastleBell]

It's quiet in here. Is everyone taking a break to contemplate OKC's new rules?

As for me, I had date #3 with Mr. Connecticut. We've texted quite a bit and I tried desperately to create some spark or common ground. Nothing. Despite my thinking he was a good person and a person I should click with, there was just no clicking down to the most minute detail. (My very least favorite Christmas song? That's the one he most loves playing with his band. And dozens of similar examples.) 

Date #3 was at a museum. He was about 30-45 minutes late because of the train schedule. I had plenty to amuse myself (to his credit, he picked a GREAT place to meet) and I understand that being late can be an honest mistake... although we were coming from the same direction and I was able to look at that same train schedule and get myself there. However, it wasn't his being late or his failing to read the train schedule correctly that bugged. It was the way he blamed the train. That threw it into relief to me that a lot of his stories seem to involve him blaming someone else for things that, at the end of the day, were in his control. And that happens to irritate me quite a bit. So I was essentially convinced that there would be no fourth date before he arrived. And his attitude when we got lost walking from the meeting place to the museum confirmed it a bit.

Then, at the museum, he asked if I'd watched [political show]. I said no, I'd read an article on [hot political topic] that upset me so I was backing away for now. He asked what I most disliked about [hot political topic] and I proceeded to go on a rant about the many things I dislike. He shushed me (okay, we WERE in a museum) and patronizingly told me that I "had important things to say" but [politician I hate] is smart and this happens all the time. 

I have friends I adore who disagree with me politically, but we have super-strong chemistry in other ways. So I've finally seen the writing on the wall for Mr. Connecticut and his awesome profile picture. Alas. 

[aradia22]

Quote

As for me, I had date #3 with Mr. Connecticut. 

Welcome to the three date club. I've been thinking it over lately and I've come to realize that three dates (sometimes it only takes one) is generally my cut off where I decide I can't make it work. For some reason that tends to be the breaking point. 

Also, even though I love museums, after going on a few I've decided against museum dates. There's a lot to look at (and presumably talk about). But if you actually want to look at the exhibits, it's hard to pay attention to each other and that person can seem like an annoyance. And if you're walking around, it can be a bit awkward to make eye contact, etc. and build a connection. Also, I have somewhat of a general knowledge/trivia kind of knowledge base so museums are a great place for me to show off if I'm so inclined. Conversely, they can expose how little your date knows about a wide range of topics outside of his field of expertise. 

[JTMacc99]

15 hours ago, CastleBell said:

It's quiet in here. Is everyone taking a break to contemplate OKC's new rules?

I've just flat out deleted all of my apps. Done with this stuff. Not sure if I'll come back to it.

[CastleBell]

Quote

I've been thinking it over lately and I've come to realize that three dates (sometimes it only takes one) is generally my cut off where I decide I can't make it work. For some reason that tends to be the breaking point. 

Seems reasonable. For date one, you're meeting someone for the very first time and nerves on one or both sides might be masking the real potential or lack thereof. Date two is the first proper date where you've already met. So date three would naturally be when real personalities come out to play a bit more... unless you never made it that far because someone spotted a red flag at first sight.

Quote

Also, even though I love museums, after going on a few I've decided against museum dates. There's a lot to look at (and presumably talk about). But if you actually want to look at the exhibits, it's hard to pay attention to each other and that person can seem like an annoyance. And if you're walking around, it can be a bit awkward to make eye contact, etc. and build a connection. Also, I have somewhat of a general knowledge/trivia kind of knowledge base so museums are a great place for me to show off if I'm so inclined. Conversely, they can expose how little your date knows about a wide range of topics outside of his field of expertise. 

I think all that's true, but there can be benefits too. On this particular date, things might have gone off the rails if I hadn't had the excuse of looking at the exhibits when eye contact would have expressed "I think your position on XYZ is moronic." (I'm not much of a poker player.) And if my date is the kind of person who can't admit that he doesn't know things, or has no interest in learning things he doesn't know, I want to be aware of that sooner rather than later. 

 

So Mr. Connecticut says if I wasn’t feeling it I should have “been more expedient rather than dragging it out over a number of weeks.” I wish I had known on the first date, but I didn’t. And I wish my schedule hadn’t been hectic, but it was. This is hard. 

Edited December 18, 2017 by CastleBell
Mr. CT update

[possibilities]

Mr. CT sounds like an ungracious asshole. You didn't "drag it out" on purpose. You were just taking time to assess how you felt. People who lash out when bring broken up with tend to be people who are abusive, immature, and/or bullies in general, so good riddance to him. It's not even like you were in a long term relationship and he has a broken heart; if he can't take this level of disappointment or rejection at an early stage, what hell would he unleash if you tried to extricate yourself later on?

Don't blame yourself. Grown ups don't act the way he did.

[emma675]

Ugh, Mr. Connecticut, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

[Lantern7]

Tweaking my profile some more. If any OKC folks here can provide feedback, I would appreciate it. I can work something out for non-OKC users if you want to help.

ETA: "Hey, somebody likes my profile! Hey, she's a mother! Shit." Looking at my account, another like did the same, but she's a smoker. I'm not being nitpicky about smokers, right? Mothers are in a slightly greyer area.

[Moose135]

13 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

Looking at my account, another like did the same, but she's a smoker. I'm not being nitpicky about smokers, right?

Smoking was about the only show-stopper for me.  I had a number of dates with a woman who listed herself as a non-smoker, however she had only recently quit, and had a number of relapses in the time we dated.  I'd go over to pick her up and she'd say "Sorry, the cats were smoking up a storm in here..."  It was a big part of why I stopped seeing her.

[DeLurker]

I wouldn't think it is nitpicky about smokers.

And if the prospect of dating someone who is already a parent gives you a considerable pause, I wouldn't worry about giving an auto-pass on those profiles either.  You might get to the point where you feel more comfortable exploring the potentials there, but right now it may be unsettling enough that it does not allow you to present yourself as well as possible.

[possibilities]

I think smoking is a perfectly reasonable deal breaker if you're not a smoker.

With parents, it might depend on how old the kid is? If you really can't stand kids, or even if you just can't see yourself as a step parent, and the kid is young enough that you'd be one if things got serious, I do think that can be a dealbreaker. I know if I was a parent I wouldn't be able to partner up with someone who was kid-averse.

But if you're not sure, I think it's OK to at least check out the situation and see how you feel before deciding no.

I feel the same way about pets. If you can't stand pets and the other person has them, watch out. That's heartbreak waiting to happen. But if you're neutral on pets or open-minded, it might be OK to explore it.

[Lantern7]

OKC is making people post their real names. Discuss?

[JTMacc99]

27 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

OKC is making people post their real names. Discuss?

How? Do you mean a first name? Is this being done by linking to Facebook?

[ratgirlagogo]

1 hour ago, Lantern7 said:

OKC is making people post their real names.

Do they give a reason?   Seems to defeat the purpose of a dating site in many ways.

[Jaded]

OkCupid Wants Everyone to Use Real Names and Users are Pissed

OkCupid begins enforcing real-name rules, insists it’s a good idea

[aradia22]

What the actual fuck?

The blog says "with this change, we won’t be collecting full names; instead, we encourage our users to go by the name they’d like their dates to call them on OkCupid." 

Isn't that a username? I logged in and it asked me for my first name (which is already half my username). So far I'm OK but if the site suddenly puts out my full name I'm disabling my account. This isn't Linked In.

[Lantern7]

In three years: "We have a new policy. Instead of passwords, users would need to scan their genitals to access the site."

[possibilities]

I'm simultaneously averse to this policy on principle and also thinking it's utterly unenforceable.

You can make up a first name as easily as a username, so how are they going to police that?

Do they have a list of approved monikers? What if your name isn't on the list? I know people whose parents named them Heron or Rebel. Is OKC going to reject those names because they look fake?

What about the zillions of people with the same name, like John, Mary, Chris, Kathy, Michael, and Karen? You can't use any numbers in your name, so are they now going to have hundreds of users with the same name?

I'm also incredibly angry that they did this without warning, so you can't access your account without participating.

And that's not even getting into the security issues everyone else has already talked about.

You can't even get in there to deactivate your profile without giving a name. You're locked out until you do it.

[possibilities]

I'm tempted to tell them my name is Kneecap.

[JTMacc99]

Feeling better about deleting all of my accounts every day. 

[Lantern7]

@JTMacc99 . . . are you still looking for somebody nice? If so, by "conventional" (re: pre-Internet) ways?

[emma675]

Ugh, I'm glad I deleted my OKC account. I can't put my finger on it but that new rule seems kinda unsafe, especially for women (and men, too) who don't want the entire site to know their real names.