Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

Is there something about winter that is making the crazy people come out?

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Let me puke on you.

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Sexy booobs

Wow

Can i fuck them

This guy is relatively more sane...

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Hi just passed by your profile and wanted to say hello You are blessed with a beautiful smile and keep smiling always smile

It didn't copy but he clearly loves emojis.

[ZaldamoWilder]

Can you try changing your profile picture?   I'm not saying it's you, I just don't want the pervs to have help.

[aradia22]

Does anyone have bad "active listening" habits on boring dates? Every since I caught Paul F. Tompkins doing it in interviews I do it when I want to pretend that I'm listening. I'm still mostly listening. I'm just not engaged in what's being said because it's usually pointless small talk.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TChRv8m79zs

[aradia22]

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If you had to pick to live in Hogwarts, Narnia, or Never Land, which one would you choose?

I mean, points for originality but minus points for living in Greece and being a 30-year-old asking a childish question that has nothing to do with anything on my profile. 

[aradia22]

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You probably get a bunch of messages from guys trying to impress you, I would do the same except I don't know anything about you, for all I know you could be some dude in his mamas basement. Two part question. 
1. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 
2. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

This is an interesting trick. "I don't know anything about you." Because I didn't bother to read the profile you spent all that time filling out. Now, entertain me by solving my riddles so I may pass judgment on you. I send this same first message to everyone. 

(I'm saying "I" but I am facetiously taking on the voice of the guy in this scenario. Just in case that's not clear.)

[aradia22]

I'm in a weird place with okc right now. I've been getting plenty of evidence that there are guys who find me attractive and/or want to start up semi-normal conversations. But for one reason or another (and no, they're not all like the garbage ones I post here) I'm not attracted to them. Instead I'm angling after the guys with proper profiles who seem smart and funny and attractive and genuine and stable... and getting nothing. Maybe that's just everyone's experience. We want the people who are "too good" for us. But I also don't really believe I have unreasonable expectations. I don't know. Maybe I'm just moody because conversations have been dying lately. 

The rational part of me, says no, it's not up to you to try to get to know everyone who does reach out even if you're not attracted to them, they mention God a lot in their profile, they say one or more misogynistic things in their profile, they have shirtless selfies and other questionable photos, they seem to have exerted very little effort or have questionable judgment based on their profile, etc. I try to tell myself that in most cases, people tell you who they are and you have to listen and trust your instincts. And I also tell myself that I might not be getting responses from the guys I do like for a whole host of reasons that don't necessarily have to do with my attractiveness despite what my insecurities tell me. But, you know, it's hard sometimes. 

I just want to go on a date that's not lame (coffee or drinks) with a semi-normal, pleasant guy who I am attracted to enough that I want to put my mouth on his mouth for a while. Is that so much to ask? 

[JTMacc99]

19 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Instead I'm angling after the guys with proper profiles who seem smart and funny and attractive and genuine and stable... and getting nothing. Maybe that's just everyone's experience. We want the people who are "too good" for us. But I also don't really believe I have unreasonable expectations.

There is NOTHING wrong with this. And there's not much wrong with being frustrated that the ones worthy of you don't realize it and respond to you. Patience will pay off far more than taking chances on things your gut tells you are a bad idea.

I can offer a couple thoughts, but take these as coming from a person in a much different situation than you.  

First, you're just in a tough place when it comes to dating. There are SO many people in your dating pool, so how on earth can there not be a right person? Or at least that's my read on it. When I broaden my search radius to 40 miles on a dating app like Tinder to include NYC, I am floored by how many interesting women there are for me. In my age group, 10-20 years older than you, it multiplies the pool by 1,000 from what I get in a 10 mile radius of my home. NYC seems to be a buyer's market for men. Which probably plays into my idea that patience is your friend. 

Second, Don't lower your standards. Just don't. I have no business dating seriously until I finish off this divorce shit, but I would sure like the company of a grown up once in a while. (My ex is casually seeing my next door neighbor for crying out loud. You would think it would be okay for me to have a drink or go for a hike or something.) Sorry, I digress, my point is that I allow myself ONE dating app just to remind myself that there will be worthwhile people out there for me when I'm ready for them. I put SEPARATED very clearly in the few words allotted to me to make sure I don't mislead anyone, and I'm pretty sure to guarantee nobody swipes right on me.  And I swipe left on almost everybody. The only time I make an exception would be when I stumble across the killer smart/attractive combination who also says she is looking for casual dating or friends, because that's the ridiculous standard I set. (So pretty much a just in case swipe.) Anything else isn't worth it for me or for the other person.

So wherever you set your standard, stick to it.  You are not being unreasonable. And it isn't unreasonable to be frustrated either. 

[aradia22]

Filtered messages... 56 years old...

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Hello baby,I will like you to be sugarbaby and that goes along with a weekly allowance of $400 ..I will be waiting for your text here ( )

Ahahahaha. I needed a good laugh. I didn't include his number because I'm a good person. 

On the plus side, things have been relatively normal in the non-filtered messages lately. I'm not sensing any keepers but they've all been friendly and polite enough and a few of them are even kind of cute. 

[ratgirlagogo]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

sugarbaby and that goes along with a weekly allowance of $400

Where's this sugardaddy  texting from again?  1905?

I mean, not to be crass, but seriously.........

Edited December 27, 2016 by ratgirlagogo

[aradia22]

So I have a movie date Thursday. I'm not expecting great things. He seems a bit odd... and a little too quick mentioning sexual stuff, but I feel like getting out there. I'll let you know how it goes. 

[aradia22]

Yeah... I didn't have high hopes for this date and he didn't do anything to change my mind on that front. On the plus side, I finally saw La La Land. Let's call this one Mr. Seriously?. Mr. Seriously? and I talked a bit online rather frankly. He was open about being a little kinky but also introverted. I was open about how I find a lot of the Dom/sub stuff problematic. But I wanted to give him a chance and a movie date seemed harmless enough. I don't get offended easily and I wouldn't really call a lot of the stuff that happened red flags so much as obvious signs of incompatibility. So as we were finalizing the date, he asked me if I wanted to go to the Museum of Sex after the movie. (Seriously?) So we chatted a bit while getting tickets. It was all general and polite. We talked about movies and that sort of thing. He's unemployed and wants to be a screenwriter. Then we sat down and he made a few comments during the previews. During the movie I learned he'd somehow snuck in a soda and candy. He also left in the middle to go to the bathroom for quite a while and was a bit fidgety while he was there. My ideal guy is someone who can sit beside me quietly at the theatre so these were not thrilling developments. When we left, he asked me how I felt about the movie so I told him. I wanted to be polite even though I wasn't feeling a spark and we hadn't really had a chance to talk so I suggested a drink (something he'd brought up in our online conversation). We went into a cafe across the street and got hot chocolate. This is where things really went sour. If he had been aggressive to the point I had feared for my safety or rude to the point that it was unacceptable, I would have gotten up and left. Instead, I counted out the money for my drink and had it set aside in my purse in case I wanted to leave early. But the waitstaff was kind of inattentive and it wasn't bad enough that I felt like I could cut and run. It was just... real awkward. Again... seriously? Like, seriously stop bringing up fetlife and the Museum of Sex and sex. Seriously? Don't act like I don't know what you're doing encroaching on my personal space. Seriously? Why are you picking apart all of my statements? Why are being so confrontational in the way you ask me things and why are you putting me on the defensive? In what world would you think this would be endearing? Towards the end he came right out and asked me how I thought it had gone and I was honest that I didn't think we should do it again. We parted in a polite and friendly way but I was glad to get out of there. There was something off about the whole thing.  

[DkNNy79]

17 hours ago, aradia22 said:

 So as we were finalizing the date, he asked me if I wanted to go to the Museum of Sex after the movie. (Seriously?)

On a first date?  Wow, that was very forward.  At least you enjoyed the movie??  I hear its getting good reviews.

[theredhead77]

I finally joined OK Cupid. My profile clearly says reference something in my profile in their message. So far I've received everything from obvious fishing/zero effort to well written fishing, and unobservant or recipient would think their profile was read.

I've also joined a few Meet Up groups. One is looking to be a bust, it's mostly older, retired people. I'll give it a shot after the first of the year, but my idea of fun is not rushing from work to a 5pm happy hour to meet up with a group who was able to get there at 4pm to get all the seats, because they don't work!

[BookWoman56]

On 12/29/2016 at 5:43 PM, aradia22 said:

 Like, seriously stop bringing up fetlife and the Museum of Sex and sex.

This made me laugh. I am a member of fetlife and have a few dear friends who are as well (we knew each other IRL before going online with this), but this is not a first date conversation unless your profile specified that you were into fetishes and wanted sex immediately, which funnily enough are two characteristics that usually don't co-exist except in fetish wannabees. Even for basic fetishes such as D/S, there is a need to get to know each other and build up trust before entering that sort of relationship. The one exception would be gatherings/parties where all the guests are openly into fetishes, and so there might be sex with a stranger (obviously consensual) but most of the time that's not the case. If this guy was on a "normal" dating site, he should know that a typical first date does not go in this direction.  He sounds like someone who read Fifty Shades of Grey and thought it was an accurate description of a D/S relationship, where you meet someone and five seconds later, you're bringing out the handcuffs and whips. (Even if it's not the case that he read it, that book and its sequels need to be erased from human memory; everyone I know in the BDSM community loathes the books because the interactions violate virtually every accepted rule of D/S relationships, and the books also presents BDSM as if it is a mental illness that can be cured by "true love" that is vanilla. Sorry for the rant, but people like the guy on your date give fetishes a bad name.)

[aradia22]

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This made me laugh. I am a member of fetlife and have a few dear friends who are as well (we knew each other IRL before going online with this), but this is not a first date conversation unless your profile specified that you were into fetishes and wanted sex immediately, which funnily enough are two characteristics that usually don't co-exist except in fetish wannabees. Even for basic fetishes such as D/S, there is a need to get to know each other and build up trust before entering that sort of relationship. The one exception would be gatherings/parties where all the guests are openly into fetishes, and so there might be sex with a stranger (obviously consensual) but most of the time that's not the case. If this guy was on a "normal" dating site, he should know that a typical first date does not go in this direction.  He sounds like someone who read Fifty Shades of Grey and thought it was an accurate description of a D/S relationship, where you meet someone and five seconds later, you're bringing out the handcuffs and whips. (Even if it's not the case that he read it, that book and its sequels need to be erased from human memory; everyone I know in the BDSM community loathes the books because the interactions violate virtually every accepted rule of D/S relationships, and the books also presents BDSM as if it is a mental illness that can be cured by "true love" that is vanilla. Sorry for the rant, but people like the guy on your date give fetishes a bad name.)

Thanks,@BookWoman56. I'm glad it made you laugh. As I said, I knew from our online conversation that we probably wanted different things but what really got me was how he interacted with me on just a basic level as another human being, any fetish stuff aside. I don't think it was really obliviousness or social awkwardness. That would be giving him too much credit. He was really confrontational and argumentative over things like how I felt about the movie or how I described what I wanted from okc. Again, it wasn't anything threatening or frightening, it was just very offputting. I don't know what he hoped to get out of dissecting my words. It wasn't accidental because he kept doing it.

Also, a random point, he wasn't quite mansplaining to me but I brought up something about Damien Chazelle being in his 30's and he corrected me that he was in his 20's. I wasn't sure but it's not something I felt strongly about and I'd checked out by that point so I didn't really care. But I just checked and Chazelle is 31. 

[possibilities]

So does everyone get hordes of completely mismatched and/or rude/obnoxious contacts, or is there a way to just attract people who are either compatible or neutrally/reasonably mismatched?

Does it work better if you contact them, rather than waiting for them to contact you?

Is it a guy thing? Do women act as badly as the guys who contact Aradia?

I've had some clearly wrong for me women contacting me (I'm a lesbian), but never anyone who even approached the level of unappealing that some of the messages Aradia has been showing us.

One person did tell me right away that she lies a lot, and I told her that was a dealbreaker for me, and she never wrote to me again (which is what I wanted to happen-- who would want to be involved with a liar, or someone who thinks saying they're a liar is appealing or even OK?).

Another I exchanged a few messages with, and it was pleasant enough though nothing special. And then she said she was going to leave town to take care of her sister who was getting a kidney transplant and would not be able to continue our conversation. I have no idea if that was true or if it was a story she made up, but either way I didn't feel like we had enough of a connection for it to matter one way or the other.

One woman I got into a political argument with, which I kind of regret, but I will say it was equally her and my fault and ultimately it wouldn't have really made a difference because we clearly were incompatible anyway.

I've had other contacts who were not really matches but we both kind of recognized it and no one was to blame. Either one of us stops replying early on, or they make an excuse which seems fake but I don't really care, or we say a real-sounding reason why we aren't continuing.

I don't get nearly the volume of replies Aradia does, either, but I think that's because the pool of lesbians is smaller in general, I live in a rural area where the supply of humans of any sort is rather small anyway, and I put a lot of details into my profile that probably screen a lot of people out of trying (for ex: I have a disability, I am not looking for something casual, I am not going to have sex with you on the 3rd date or any time before we get to know each other well, I'm looking for someone who's been out [of the closet] for a good while and is comfortable with being a lesbian, so don't contact me if you're experimenting or it's possibly just a phase). I figured if something is really obviously a dealbreaker for me or them, I don't want to waste each other's time. I'm sure this repels 98.6% of all people who read my profile but I'm fine with that. I am a blunt communicator when you meet me, and if you can't handle that level of bluntness in my profile, it's not going to work out.

I also put in details that I think make me stand out from the crowd in the sense that it's not just "I like movies and fun times and have great breasts"-- I talk about what I'm looking for, and also list quite a few of my passions and interests, which are varied and not necessarily everyone's cup of tea, but which provide a lot of topics to use as ice breakers for anyone who's trying to make conversation and looking for a hook other than the weather and "you up?" This does tend to show me whether they've read my profile or whether they're just reacting to my photo or randomly sending out messages to every lesbian in a 30 mile radius. I may have put too much info, but I just felt like if you will just date anyone, or your attention span is too short to read a few paragraphs, and you can only think of generic qualities for yourself or your ideal partner ("makes me laugh"), I'm probably not good enough at small talk to make it work.

I also hoped this would attract some women who are either interested in at least some of the same things, or who have interests of their own and are into talking about those things, so it's not just the generic "breasts, movies, and fun times" and they can actually remember which person I am on the list of people they contacted, because I find a lot of profiles sound really the same to me, and don't really give you anything to go off of other than a picture. And we all know how people's photos can be misleading.

Anyway, I don't consider myself a model in any way (I haven't found what I'm looking for, so I can't claim my way works), but I'm curious about how other people approach writing their profile, and if the relatively creepy responses Aradia gets are typical. I don't mean the awkward dates where you're just not hitting it off. I mean the messages that she posts from people she's in no way planning to meet because they are too awful to consider.

Edited December 31, 2016 by possibilities

[aradia22]

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1) So does everyone get hordes of completely mismatched and/or rude/obnoxious contacts, or is there a way to just attract people who are either compatible or neutrally/reasonably mismatched?

2) Does it work better if you contact them, rather than waiting for them to contact you?

3) Is it a guy thing? Do women act as badly as the guys who contact Aradia?

1) I'm more open to going out with someone who doesn't seem like the perfect match for me so it's not really a knock on okc's system. On the previous site I was on, I think I had even more random luck as there was no matching system. I think I've been posting about the guys here almost ever since I've been on okc, so you can just go back but generally the ones I go on dates on are not rude. The majority are just incompatible or a bit boring to me. And that's most people once you get past the basics. Online dating aside, I think it's hard to meet a stranger and have it be someone you have a lot in common with/feel a connection to. I could be stricter about filtering messages (and I also go into the filtered messages to get some of the worst openers to share with you).

2) Most of the guys I contact don't respond. I would say it doesn't make much of a difference though maybe it would if your profile or appearance was more alluring than mine. 

3) Just speaking for myself, I'm not a complete peach on dates. But I generally try to be nice/polite with very few exceptions and an entertaining conversationalist at least until I check out (that is, decide that there isn't going to be another date and I would like to go home). The worst I do is to stop making as much eye contact and start leaving long silences because I no longer feel like filling the void. 

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Anyway, I don't consider myself a model in any way (I haven't found what I'm looking for, so I can't claim my way works), but I'm curious about how other people approach writing their profile, and if the relatively creepy responses Aradia gets are typical. I don't mean the awkward dates where you're just not hitting it off. I mean the messages that she posts from people she's in no way planning to meet because they are too awful to consider.

My profile is... pithy. It's not one or two word answers but I keep it to a minimum so it's not too much since I get the sense that guys don't really read long profiles. The "favorites" section is the longest, followed by the self-summary but I feel like everything there gives you a fairly good sense of who am I. I try to make sure there's some humor in there when I revise it but I've never been that good about writing about myself, particularly earnestly, so I'm not writing a novel or anything.

[aradia22]

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Is that age correct? hmm

I dipped into my filtered messages again. A 42-year-old man sent me this today. I'm tempted to ask WTF he meant but I don't want to engage. 

[theredhead77]

3 hours ago, possibilities said:

1. So does everyone get hordes of completely mismatched and/or rude/obnoxious contacts, or is there a way to just attract people who are either compatible or neutrally/reasonably mismatched?
2. Does it work better if you contact them, rather than waiting for them to contact you?
3. I don't get nearly the volume of replies Aradia does, either
4. I put a lot of details into my profile that probably screen a lot of people out of trying
5. I'm curious about how other people approach writing their profile, and if the relatively creepy responses Aradia gets are typical. 

I snipped your awesome post to address the items I can.

1) I receive many messages but they are mostly  "hey, how are you" and other generic messages. I operate under the theory most people cast a wide net, send something generic to see who responds. I don't respond to generic messages or to messages that are probably well written fishing messages. I put in my profile to reference something IN my profile to get a response.

2) I will contact them, with a short message referencing something in their profile. Can't say it works any better than waiting but at least I know I tried.

3) Me either

4) I do too. I think it's better that way. Someone who is interested will take the time to at least skim it

5) I put information about what I like to do, etc.. and keep what I am looking for / not looking for  short and sweet

[aradia22]

I don't know if it's because it's a new year but I'm enjoying the few randos creeping back into my inbox. If someone says something awful or I'm over it or something along those lines, I just delete the conversation, hide/block them, etc. But sometimes conversations just die. And I usually am too lazy/forget to delete those conversations (I have enough storage it hasn't been a problem yet). So when these randos from like a year ago pop up, I see all those messages. Yeah, I remember you. And... nope.

[aradia22]

http://www.collegehumor.com/post/7038545/what-youre-actually-thinking-on-tinder

[possibilities]

I just learned of this site's existence due to something unrelated that I was listening to: http://settleforlove.com/

The story of how it got created is the third one in this collection: http://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/485603559/flip-the-script?showDate=2016-07-15

[JTMacc99]

On 12/30/2016 at 9:35 PM, theredhead77 said:

I've also joined a few Meet Up groups. One is looking to be a bust, it's mostly older, retired people. I'll give it a shot after the first of the year, but my idea of fun is not rushing from work to a 5pm happy hour to meet up with a group who was able to get there at 4pm to get all the seats, because they don't work!

I gave Meet Up a shot. 

Didn't like it.

At all.  

It's funny... I was at a work convention a few months ago, and on the night they had a big party, I moved from group to group chatting comfortably all evening. I had a really good time and made a couple connections with people I am looking forward to seeing again. But when placed in the Meet Up group situation where the entire point was to meet new people, I didn't enjoy any of the conversations. It's like I felt pressure to be social as opposed to the desire.  

Obviously this could just be my personality (the Meyers-Briggs analysis would agree), but there is a huge difference in the way I react between "Well, we're all stuck here because we use the same software program, so we might as well shoot the shit and see what else we have in common" and "Well, we're all here because we want to meet new people, so I guess I have to go talk to somebody."

[aradia22]

The only time I did a meet up it was on a date. He suggested it. We went on a scavenger hunt with two or three other girls in our team. It was all very friendly and we exchanged numbers but never contacted each other again. There was a while when I was having a lot of interactions like that, meeting someone (never straight guys) out somewhere and having a conversation, exchanging numbers, and then not really becoming friends. Of course there are exceptions. I was friendly with one woman for a while before I fell prey to her email forwarding and one guy is now one of my best friends. I do see the appeal of meet ups or speed dating because like online dating, the people in that room (of course it depends on what group you're going to) want to meet other people. It's not like trying to luck into a conversation with a stranger... which I still think is bad advice. Swanning around places where you think you might find someone you have something in common with is not a good strategy, particularly at the theatre or some place where a lot of people are already coupled up or with friends. 

[JTMacc99]

Okay, here's where my brain draws lines that nobody else sees.  I think I would be perfectly okay with speed dating, whereas I didn't like the meet up scenario at all.

I do like talking to people, and speed dating adds the structure I need.  First, it eliminates the need to walk around introducing myself, and second it has rules. Rules give a game feel to it that will immediately engage me. (I'm that guy who jumps in head first when the games come out at a party.)

[aradia22]

@JTMacc99 Have you tried meet ups that aren't just mixers? I think there are ones for board games, Scrabble, bowling, events, etc. 

[JTMacc99]

10 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

@JTMacc99 Have you tried meet ups that aren't just mixers? I think there are ones for board games, Scrabble, bowling, events, etc. 

I removed myself from the mixer groups, and do get emails from a couple groups like that (one is hiking, another is trivia lovers), but I've been kind of turned off to the whole idea.  

IF I get the urge to be social with strangers again, I'm probably going to do something like take a class or join a golf league. Something where my brain says there is a point to being there other than meeting new people so that I become comfortable enough to meet new people.  [insert cuckoo bird sound and swirling finger next to your head gesture here] 

[theredhead77]

The two that I am sticking with are beer groups that are in my neighborhood. One is run by a friend (yay safety net!) so there's a comfort level and opportunity to meet new people. The other, the people are more my age but are all coupled. I'm hoping maybe a friendship or two can be forged out of those.

A group I haven't joined yet is for transplants to my area. I heard great things about the group and messaged the leader to ask if it would be OK if I joined in, since I'm a native. He said sure, so I'm going to do that as soon as an event catches my eye. I live in SoCal and people here suck. Most of my friends are not from here, people say I don't seem like I am native to SoCal so maybe that will be the group I click with.

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

But when placed in the Meet Up group situation where the entire point was to meet new people, I didn't enjoy any of the conversations. It's like I felt pressure to be social as opposed to the desire.  

I'm guessing the other people at the event felt exactly the same way which probably made for awkwardness all around.

My friends did speed dating - they too liked the structure that was set up.  They went on a few dates with people they met through there, although nothing more than that.  I seem to remember them saying the probability was more in a guys favor, although I can't remember exactly why.

[ZaldamoWilder]

On 12/31/2016 at 3:32 PM, possibilities said:

So does everyone get hordes of completely mismatched and/or rude/obnoxious contacts, or is there a way to just attract people who are either compatible or neutrally/reasonably mismatched?

Does it work better if you contact them, rather than waiting for them to contact you?

Is it a guy thing? Do women act as badly as the guys who contact Aradia?

I've had some clearly wrong for me women contacting me (I'm a lesbian), but never anyone who even approached the level of unappealing that some of the messages Aradia has been showing us.

One person did tell me right away that she lies a lot, and I told her that was a dealbreaker for me, and she never wrote to me again (which is what I wanted to happen-- who would want to be involved with a liar, or someone who thinks saying they're a liar is appealing or even OK?).

Another I exchanged a few messages with, and it was pleasant enough though nothing special. And then she said she was going to leave town to take care of her sister who was getting a kidney transplant and would not be able to continue our conversation. I have no idea if that was true or if it was a story she made up, but either way I didn't feel like we had enough of a connection for it to matter one way or the other.

One woman I got into a political argument with, which I kind of regret, but I will say it was equally her and my fault and ultimately it wouldn't have really made a difference because we clearly were incompatible anyway.

I've had other contacts who were not really matches but we both kind of recognized it and no one was to blame. Either one of us stops replying early on, or they make an excuse which seems fake but I don't really care, or we say a real-sounding reason why we aren't continuing.

I don't get nearly the volume of replies Aradia does, either, but I think that's because the pool of lesbians is smaller in general, I live in a rural area where the supply of humans of any sort is rather small anyway, and I put a lot of details into my profile that probably screen a lot of people out of trying (for ex: I have a disability, I am not looking for something casual, I am not going to have sex with you on the 3rd date or any time before we get to know each other well, I'm looking for someone who's been out [of the closet] for a good while and is comfortable with being a lesbian, so don't contact me if you're experimenting or it's possibly just a phase). I figured if something is really obviously a dealbreaker for me or them, I don't want to waste each other's time. I'm sure this repels 98.6% of all people who read my profile but I'm fine with that. I am a blunt communicator when you meet me, and if you can't handle that level of bluntness in my profile, it's not going to work out.

I also put in details that I think make me stand out from the crowd in the sense that it's not just "I like movies and fun times and have great breasts"-- I talk about what I'm looking for, and also list quite a few of my passions and interests, which are varied and not necessarily everyone's cup of tea, but which provide a lot of topics to use as ice breakers for anyone who's trying to make conversation and looking for a hook other than the weather and "you up?" This does tend to show me whether they've read my profile or whether they're just reacting to my photo or randomly sending out messages to every lesbian in a 30 mile radius. I may have put too much info, but I just felt like if you will just date anyone, or your attention span is too short to read a few paragraphs, and you can only think of generic qualities for yourself or your ideal partner ("makes me laugh"), I'm probably not good enough at small talk to make it work.

I also hoped this would attract some women who are either interested in at least some of the same things, or who have interests of their own and are into talking about those things, so it's not just the generic "breasts, movies, and fun times" and they can actually remember which person I am on the list of people they contacted, because I find a lot of profiles sound really the same to me, and don't really give you anything to go off of other than a picture. And we all know how people's photos can be misleading.

Anyway, I don't consider myself a model in any way (I haven't found what I'm looking for, so I can't claim my way works), but I'm curious about how other people approach writing their profile, and if the relatively creepy responses Aradia gets are typical. I don't mean the awkward dates where you're just not hitting it off. I mean the messages that she posts from people she's in no way planning to meet because they are too awful to consider.

I giggled. 

It's been a while since I've done it but I recall volume (and quality) very similar to the experience aradia is having.   I know for a fact it's exhausting and sometimes infuriating but if you can manage to look at rude and obnoxious as an, albeit, risky, way to get your attention, the idea that one of those idiots is trying to stand out by making you react/engage (might) get easier.   Too awful to consider could be an (again risky) way to find out if you have a good/compatible sense of humor.   Or not.  It's perfectly reasonable to assume your match knows how to say a normal sentence.

I was talking to a friend on FB the other day, the talk turned into a thread about online dating.   For the most part the women said eh, feh, I can't be bothered, 90% of em don't read what you write anyway and we don't want to see the remaining 10% naked.   One of the girls said look, nobody has hours to read profiles and keep them all straight, write something they'll read.   So of course, the thread asked her what her profile says.   "Grab me by the pussy.  But you should also be eloquent."   

Lots of traffic, easy to weed through.   The point is it doesn't really matter what you say in your profile when one of your filter choices includes only showing you matches that contain pics.

Interestingly, a fair number of men on the thread said it was a good way to meet easy women.   I was kinda stunned by that.   I asked how they even got to easy as an assumption and furthermore why not just go to a wham bam site instead of wasting her time?   Easy = lots of attention to physical attributes, lots of lip gloss, very little clothing and/or kardashian poses.   According to them they do dating sites instead of smash em ups because "nobody likes to feel like a ho".      

On 12/31/2016 at 6:33 PM, aradia22 said:

I dipped into my filtered messages again. A 42-year-old man sent me this today. I'm tempted to ask WTF he meant but I don't want to engage. 

Do you think he's surprised because you're more mature looking or younger looking than your picture?  Or neither and he's just trying to get you to talk?

[aradia22]

Quote

It's been a while since I've done it but I recall volume (and quality) very similar to the experience aradia is having.   I know for a fact it's exhausting and sometimes infuriating but if you can manage to look at rude and obnoxious as an, albeit, risky, way to get your attention, the idea that one of those idiots is trying to stand out by making you react/engage (might) get easier.   Too awful to consider could be an (again risky) way to find out if you have a good/compatible sense of humor.   Or not.  It's perfectly reasonable to assume your match knows how to say a normal sentence.

I think it makes more sense to take risks like that on tinder where the profiles are shorter and I think you can see a little sentence when you're swiping... I may be wrong about that last part. But no, with the garbage misogynists all over the place... I mean, just all over the place, but particularly online, I don't have time to waste giving people credit they don't deserve. People tell you who they are. The sooner you start listening, the better. I am much more likely to respond to someone who just typed "hi" or "how are you" but has a solid profile instead of someone who writes me something awful (I don't mean a pick up line. I mean something actually terrible). 

Quote

The point is it doesn't really matter what you say in your profile when one of your filter choices includes only showing you matches that contain pics.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this but I think that's an important filter, especially on a free site like okc. Otherwise you get way too many scammers and shady people. If there was somehow a way to filter out people who have pictures but didn't fill out a profile that would be great. Or people who don't have photos of themselves... but that's what moderation is for.

Quote

Do you think he's surprised because you're more mature looking or younger looking than your picture?  Or neither and he's just trying to get you to talk?

I have no idea but either way, gross. You're 42. You're not really in a place to be judging either way. 

[ZaldamoWilder]

posted before I was finished.  I'll try again

Edited January 5, 2017 by ZaldamoWilder

[ZaldamoWilder]

11 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I think it makes more sense to take risks like that on tinder where the profiles are shorter and I think you can see a little sentence when you're swiping... I may be wrong about that last part. But no, with the garbage misogynists all over the place... I mean, just all over the place, but particularly online, I don't have time to waste giving people credit they don't deserve. People tell you who they are. The sooner you start listening, the better. I am much more likely to respond to someone who just typed "hi" or "how are you" but has a solid profile instead of someone who writes me something awful (I don't mean a pick up line. I mean something actually terrible).

I was responding to the question possibilities posed about the tendency toward rude and obnoxious opening messages.   Suggesting a potential reason for it.   I'm not making the case for anyone to find nuttiness acceptable.  My last sentence of the paragraph quoted said it's also perfectly reasonable to assume your match knows how to speak normally.

11 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this but I think that's an important filter, especially on a free site like okc. Otherwise you get way too many scammers and shady people. If there was somehow a way to filter out people who have pictures but didn't fill out a profile that would be great. Or people who don't have photos of themselves... but that's what moderation is for.

I mean that anywhere you can choose not to even be presented with options of profiles without pictures, the profile is not your primary decision basis. And that's fine but the point is, if that's the case, what you write doesn't matter.  It might be marginally important if women are responding, as they seem more likely to be bothered reading it. 

11 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I have no idea but either way, gross. You're 42. You're not really in a place to be judging either way. 

Girl you were the one who said you were tempted to ask him wtf.   Me too.  I wondered if he was legit curious or it was a way to get to talk.   

I like reading different threads about different things but let me know if my posts keep you this defensive.  I can lurk.

[aradia22]

Quote

I mean that anywhere you can choose not to even be presented with options of profiles without pictures, the profile is not your primary decision basis. And that's fine but the point is, if that's the case, what you write doesn't matter.  It might be marginally important if women are responding, as they seem more likely to be bothered reading it. 

I'm just pointing out what the experience is like for me. And it's apparently about to change. okc is rolling out a new version of Quickmatch (their version of Tinder swiping if you don't want to read profiles... at least on your phone, on desktop you can see the whole profile). Now you can type a sentence and see more details... so much more like Tinder. 

https://theblog.okcupid.com/https-theblog-okcupid-com-new-year-new-features-on-okcupid-quickmatch-753921565877#.ovuuf9pfx

[possibilities]

Honestly, I am not interested in anyone who is solely interested in my picture and can't be bothered to read my profile. I just can't imagine any way in which that person would be anything but a totally superficial bore. Even if they were bonkers for my looks, or I for theirs, that's not enough for me.

Realistically, I understand that a lot of people do consider that enough to go on, but I'm just not that person. Even for a first meeting, I need more than that to make it worth my time to bother.

When I have met people in the real world (I mean not online), the inability to have a conversation is one of the very first things that will kill my interest.

I did have a fling with someone who didn't talk a lot, but everything she said was thoughtful and showed she'd been paying attention. So you don't have to be a chatterbox, but you have to engage me on some level other than the surface.

Edited January 6, 2017 by possibilities

[Lantern7]

Looking to "get back in the game." This time, I mean it. I was on Match ages ago, and I'm not looking to come back. I have an OKCupid account, but I think there would be more options if I pay for it. Or if you're a single woman in the NYC/NJ area with a weakness for neurotic guys, then please PM me.

[aradia22]

I had a date tomorrow but I cancelled because it's cold here and I think I'm developing a cough. Hopefully we'll reschedule. I wasn't super excited about him but he seems alright. Not exceptionally charming in messages but not overtly offputting either. Meanwhile, I've got a couple of conversations going. One just started with a guy who is very attractive... and who only answers in one word or short sentences. 

@Lantern7 I don't think you get any more options (in terms of who you see) if you pay for the site. But there are some features you might be interested in. 

[KnoxForPres]

I wanted to chime in with a success story. 

A good friend of mine became single in her mid forties.   She joined Match and eHarmony. Had some dates through Match and wound up meeting a man on eHarmony. We live in a Southern city of about 170K for reference. 

I talked to her a bit ago and things are going great!  They've been dating several months now and get along wonderfully and progressively have become more serious. 

So words of encouragement bc we have someone in her now late forties, in the South (people get married young here y'all!) who has found love online!  

[roseslg]

On 1/6/2017 at 5:55 PM, Lantern7 said:

Looking to "get back in the game." This time, I mean it. I was on Match ages ago, and I'm not looking to come back. I have an OKCupid account, but I think there would be more options if I pay for it. Or if you're a single woman in the NYC/NJ area with a weakness for neurotic guys, then please PM me.

I thought the paid account just gave you more info on your matches and what's not?  I knew someone who paid for it.  He liked knowing everything.  I think it shows how often someone has viewed your profile.  @Lantern7, how old are you?  :)

 

@possibilities, I am all about the profile, reading them and writing them.  Even if I find you attractive, if there's nothing of substance in your profile, I will pass you over; if you write and it shows that you have read my profile, I will take a closer look though the initial attraction may not be there.  I took time making sure my profile was a good representation of me, so if they don't care to read it, I don't care to know you. 

[theredhead77]

I think we need a PreviouslyTV dating site.

[possibilities]

34 minutes ago, roseslg said:

I am all about the profile, reading them and writing them.  Even if I find you attractive, if there's nothing of substance in your profile, I will pass you over; if you write and it shows that you have read my profile, I will take a closer look though the initial attraction may not be there.  I took time making sure my profile was a good representation of me, so if they don't care to read it, I don't care to know you.

That's good to know! I'm not the only one who thinks this way!

I know two couples who found each other online-- 3 of the 4 people involved have disabilities, and all were/are in their 30s or 40s and were/are lesbians. So it's possible whatever the odds. It feels like long odds to me, but I like hearing the success stories.

[aradia22]

Speaking of reading profiles... this is not someone who contacted me. I just came across this profile in Quickmatch and it was too precious to not share.

Quote

if youre a woman in the west today and youre on an online dating site you probably have hundreds of desperate men trying to impress you so they can fuck you, all their attention must get to your head

even an ugly fat cow can get hundreds of messages by virtue of just having a vagina

dont let it go to your head, most of you are boring dry and ugly

alt right white nationalist

feminism is cancer

there are two genders

the west is declining

only interested in intelligent and feminine women

Oh, honey. Who is this intelligent woman you're imagining who wants all your nonsense?

[aradia22]

I have a date Thursday night. We've been chatting for a bit but it all came together very quickly. It's a jazz club so that should be fun but also casual and chill enough for us to talk a bit. He's a lawyer. 

[Lantern7]

On 1/8/2017 at 7:16 PM, roseslg said:

I thought the paid account just gave you more info on your matches and what's not?  I knew someone who paid for it.  He liked knowing everything.  I think it shows how often someone has viewed your profile.  @Lantern7, how old are you?  :)

I'm 41. Emotionally, I'm a lot younger. And I don't drink or smoke, so I have less wear and tear on my body, even though I can stand to lose weight.

[roseslg]

I have a friend Jen, who is looking for someone, but you would need to drink. lol

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, roseslg said:

I have a friend Jen, who is looking for someone, but you would need to drink. lol

Built in DD!

So, I just received this email from OKC:

Quote

 

Hey [screen name]

We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.

We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it’s working!

To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience:

You’ll see more attractive people in your results.

This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.

Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.

 

Thanks? 

Edited January 12, 2017 by theredhead77

[Lantern7]

4 hours ago, roseslg said:

I have a friend Jen, who is looking for someone, but you would need to drink. lol

I drink. Not an alien or anything. Just not alcohol. [insert smiley icon here] My big concern would be that I'd be "rusty," because I haven't seriously pursued dating in a long time.

[aradia22]

I've considered joking that I'm a Mormon or straight edge but I don't think many guys bother reading your profile or pick up on sarcasm that well. I don't smoke. I don't drink anything alcoholic. I don't drink coffee. And no sexy fun times.

[Lantern7]

I do indulge in caffeine, even though I'm half-convinced 5 Hour Energy does little for me. And I haven't had "fun times" in ages. That's all I'll say. To be honest, I don't get out at night too much. I did come to Manhattan last night for a fan meetup, but I'm not a chatterbox there. Over the next two days, I'll be traveling to Harlem for a small comic book show. And I'm thinking of trekking to Brooklyn on Monday to see the new One Piece movie.

[aradia22]

I finally blocked Mr. Accountant/Mr. Nice Boy. I had been halfheartedly keeping up a conversation with him because he doesn't seem like a bad person even though I'm not attracted to him. But I was finally over it. He asked me about what I look for/hate in a guy so I finally brought up his terrible spelling/grammar. 

Quote

I do tend to have grammar problems, it's something I never thought about growing up. I guess the problem occurred in elementary school. Since I never took an interest in learning proper grammar I just went with the flow in my writing, I use to forgo my English work a lot. 
Everyone has their fault's no one is perfect, grammar is just tend's to be one of mine. Another person that I've dated also pointed that out and if they couldn't accept that, then she wasn't right for me.

I think if someone does care for you then they should except every bit of your beliefs or behaviors even if they don't like it. I often had to deal with situations where the female in the relationship wants me to change something and I feel that I shouldn't have to be asked to do so. I agree that if you feel affectionate towards someone you might change some mannerism that they dislike. 

If a guy is in his mid-20's and doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're" and has no interest in learning... he's not right for me. I don't think he's a jerk but clearly this isn't going anywhere. I'm tired of answering his endless questions. This isn't magically going to become a relationship. I told him a while ago that I didn't feel any chemistry but I thought maybe we could be friendly because he seemed a little lonely. But trying to be nice and drawing it out is just testing my patience. Like I said before, nice boy. He doesn't really care about me or what I think. He's just after some end goal I can't fathom.