Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[BookWoman56]

On 6/25/2020 at 8:28 AM, JTMacc99 said:

Honestly, it sounds like English isn't his first language, and I would be immediately suspicious that it's scammer.

That was my first thought as well. I work with a lot of non-native English speakers and their writing has similar issues. 

[Sweedish Fish]

I have my first date with someone real this time on Saturday.  An actual date!  I am a bit nervous but we have been talking and texting for a week and he seems like a real nice guy.   He plays in a band which means that he is in bars often and that's a problem for me as I don't drink any longer.  I haven't mentioned that yet, so I am just going to have to see how it goes.  I have a good feeling about this.

[aradia22]

The phone call date with The Conversationalist went okay. It wasn't really a date. It reminded me of talking on the phone with friends in middle school/high school.

He was on a walk when he called me so the connection wasn't great. We eventually got disconnected after maybe 20-30 minutes. Then he called me back from his apartment and we talked for another hour and 45 minutes. 

It was a good chat. I got a little fired up at times. As usual, I can't stay away from bad first-date topics and we talked about race and politics. Even though he generally had a conciliatory demeanor (he told me he's a bit more introverted), it didn't feel like how the guys I've gone out with in the past would either shy away from topics and adopt an annoyingly moderate/both sides position and it also didn't feel like he was just agreeing with whatever I said. He was thoughtful. It was a real open and honest discussion. 

I do like the sound of his voice. That's always a slight concern when you're just writing to someone. I still don't know if there's going to be any physical attraction in person but so far, I'm still into maintaining this connection.

[Sweedish Fish]

My first date went really well.  I must admit to being very nervous leading up to it yesterday, but talking and texting all last week made it very comfortable.   He's a keeper.  Very kind and a gentleman. (even brought a teddy bear!)  strange.   Plus he's in a band which is a big plus for me.  I do worry about how fast the feelings came about, but we did smooch and hug!  Oh my  - my cheeks hurt from smiling.  

 

Spoiler

yy

 

[Sweedish Fish]

After everything went so well (I thought) I am not getting as many texts as before.  I guess I am just over-thinking this, we are supposed to get together this weekend.  I don't want to be the one who sends a text first.. but . shit I don't know, I don't want to play games either. If I want to text, I'll text and see if I get a response.   I am typing my thoughts outloud, sorry. 

I am still so new to this dating scene.   Feel like a teenager (whyyy doesn't he calllll?)

[aradia22]

New fishing message

Quote

According to your bio we’re a perfect match so let’s get this journey started!

We were a 51% match

[JTMacc99]

[theredhead77]

20 hours ago, aradia22 said:

New fishing message

We were a 51% match

 

47 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Reminds me of those job solicitations "you'd be a perfect match for....." when it's a sales position or an MLM and my resume has zero reference to sales experience (I work in IT / tech)

[possibilities]

Maybe they don't understand math.

[Lantern7]

Here's what I usually do when I respond: note that I liked the profile, express the need for friendship, admit that I would want more than that if not for the pesky pandemic, give details about myself, then invite them to read my profile.

Is that too vanilla? Occasionally, I add in stuff based on their profile. I don't even try to flirt, because I figure that would be a disaster waiting to happen. I just want to offer a sample of myself . . . and I'm thinking maybe that's as appetizing as a stale cookie.

Edited July 21, 2020 by Lantern7

[theredhead77]

11 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

note that I liked the profile, express the need for friendship, admit that I would want more than that if not for the pesky pandemic, give details about myself, then invite them to read my profile.

I think that's too much and can unintentionally come across as needy to the person you are contacting.

I would suggest limiting your responses or engagements to mentioning something on the profile, and ask a relevant question. Short and to the point. "Hey, was that taken at XYZ concert? I heard they are amazing live!" or "Wow, what a great shot of [insert location]. Did it live up to expectations?", etc...

[Sweedish Fish]

I just spent 12 hours talking (texting) to a guy on POF.   I don't even know what to say about that.

 

[aradia22]

Guys ruin flirting. Or, at least the guys that I talk to do. Every so often I open the door to not just having small talk and it always ends badly.

Don't worry. Things are still going fine with The Conversationalist. I'm not talking about him.

[Lantern7]

9 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Guys ruin flirting. Or, at least the guys that I talk to do. Every so often I open the door to not just having small talk and it always ends badly.

Don't worry. Things are still going fine with The Conversationalist. I'm not talking about him.

I’m thinking that if I knew how to flirt at all, I wouldn’t be looking online.

[Sweeneyswt]

I took a break again from online dating, then started back a couple of weeks ago. Same old stuff. Immediate requests for my number, endless picture requests, then nothing. Also, is everybody eating low-carb and keeping extremely fit? I gained 15 pounds recently, and no I do not want one hard-boiled egg every day for breakfast. 
 

Oh, and I also am not up for immediately face-timing. I’m home with two toddlers. Give me notice and set up a time. 

Edited August 1, 2020 by Sweeneyswt

[RealHousewife]

On 7/31/2020 at 5:30 PM, aradia22 said:

Guys ruin flirting. Or, at least the guys that I talk to do. Every so often I open the door to not just having small talk and it always ends badly.

Don't worry. Things are still going fine with The Conversationalist. I'm not talking about him.

I've experienced the same. Why aren't there more men good at flirting? I encounter too many who are boring and don't know how to playfully tease at all, or as soon as I flirt back even a little, they think it's okay to start sexting. 

[Sweedish Fish]

Well, I had a first date that lasted 3 days. I know it's crazy. We had been talking/texting for 2 weeks and decided to meet at a halfway point of our locations.  I had a really good time, it was comfortable -  he was a gentleman and I am glad that I decided to get the nerve to do it.

 

 

[aradia22]

The last time The Conversationalist messaged me was August 2nd. I replied back on August 5th and then sent another message 3 days ago telling him that I was free for a phone call this week. No reply. So maybe that's dead.

I don't know when I'm going to feel comfortable meeting someone in person again with coronavirus concerns. But it's really difficult to sustain something virtual right now, especially with the fuckboi types. I know they're not good at communicating. But what else are we supposed to do right now?

[Quof]

5 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I know they're not good at communicating. But what else are we supposed to do right now?

Years ago, a coworker's wife and I went to the same gorgeous hairdresser.  He was dumb as a post, but beautiful.  I said to her "Don't you want to tell him to be quiet?  I don't want to talk to you. Just stand there so I can look at you in the mirror."   "Yeah," she said.  "I've got a smart one. If I want conversation, I'll go home."  

[aradia22]

@Quof I definitely look for at least three distinct types on okcupid. 

1) Smart, sweet, sensitive guys that seem to share my intellectual interests, political ideologies, taste in movies/TV, etc.

2) Unattainable guys who are seemingly perfect on paper. Compatible with me but also professionally successful and very attractive.

3) Fuckbois who actually reply to me who I would consider going out with once and never calling again.

Edited August 12, 2020 by aradia22

[Sweedish Fish]

Quote

 

I'm thinking of cancelling POF.  I've been laid off and don't want to pay the site anymore. I hate the fact at they just assume and re-up you monthly.

I realize that I have met someone and we are still texting, but I just feel 'unfaithful' if I talk with others.  Does that seem rational? And if I do cancel - do I tell him?  It might freak him out a bit.

[aradia22]

@Sweedish Fish I don't really believe in being unfaithful if you haven't made any kind of commitment. But I think that online dating is a numbers game. If you've found someone you like and you don't enjoy using the site anyway, sure, cancel. I personally wouldn't tell him because it feels like it puts pressure on the relationship. But if it comes up in conversation, you could just say that you aren't seeing anyone else right now. And then if either you or he brings up the conversation about being exclusive, you can cross that bridge then and not right now.

[RealHousewife]

On 8/12/2020 at 1:42 PM, aradia22 said:

@Quof I definitely look for at least three distinct types on okcupid. 

1) Smart, sweet, sensitive guys that seem to share my intellectual interests, political ideologies, taste in movies/TV, etc.

2) Unattainable guys who are seemingly perfect on paper. Compatible with me but also professionally successful and very attractive.

3) Fuckbois who actually reply to me who I would consider going out with once and never calling again.

A huge portion of the men I encounter fall into those three types too. I also have 4) Guys who are catches, just not compatible with me (hot, successful and kind but already have kids, different interests, beliefs, etc) and 5) guys I wouldn’t be with if they were the last men on the planet. 

Do you all believe in good on paper, bad in bed? Lol

[Sweedish Fish]

Whats up with the men holding up big fish in the profile?  Is anyone turned on by this?      

 

 

 

 

[aradia22]

@Sweedish Fish Maybe an old profile? Or just someone who didn't get the memo? It was a trend like 5-10 years ago for guys to pose with a big fish or a large cat (usually a tiger). Then everyone started dunking on them and most people stopped. 

[Sweeneyswt]

I see a lot of those fish pictures. I do see a few men I’m interested in, but I can’t seem to keep the conversation going. I think I had better luck when people would write more of an email/letter vs text like conversations. 

[supposebly]

6 hours ago, Sweedish Fish said:

Whats up with the men holding up big fish in the profile?  Is anyone turned on by this?

So funny! I wonder if my brother were dating, if he would have one of those as well. He's a passionate angler and I get these pics every time he's somewhere and caught one. Really, any size. Just last month he sent a few from his Norway fishing trip.

Or it's less adorable and the equivalent of the dick pic.

[Lantern7]

Maybe fish pictures shows that a guy can provide for his love? Or yeah, probably just a veiled dick pic.

Chatting with one woman on OKC. Keeping my hopes up.

ETA: . . . aaaaaaaaaaaaaand her profile is gone. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Edited August 17, 2020 by Lantern7

[theredhead77]

On 8/16/2020 at 10:00 AM, Sweedish Fish said:

Whats up with the men holding up big fish in the profile?  Is anyone turned on by this?      

Not me. But fish in their natural form creep me out. I'll eat fish, I just can't stand fish skin, or fish in 

On 8/16/2020 at 12:51 PM, aradia22 said:

@Sweedish Fish Maybe an old profile? Or just someone who didn't get the memo? It was a trend like 5-10 years ago for guys to pose with a big fish or a large cat (usually a tiger). Then everyone started dunking on them and most people stopped. 

I usually don't find much in a profile from a dude with a fish photo to make me want to connect and I will 110% of the time immediately swipe left if there is a photo with a sedated big cat or any other wild animal. I think keeping animals in captivity is generally cruel (rehab and preserves / rescues exempt) and sedating big cats for a photo op is horrible.

I think (hope) a lot of photos these days are older, pre-COVID fun. I do appreciate when someone adds a mask selfie into the mix. Show me you're a mask person!

I had a social distance date at a park (masks, on!) over the weekend. I had been texting / talking with this dude for quite awhile before I decided we should meet up. He's really nice but I'm not sure I'm feeling relationship material. He uses a lot of self deprecating humor which I'm not a fan of, and doesn't seem to have a lot of his own interests (I asked what he did pre-COVID and he said work and go home because he was happy to not be at work). I'm also a bit concerned he's started building up a relationship in his head, based on things he's said "why do I get the feeling you're going to put me to work doing house things" and "I figured after a few dates you could come over and help me decide what I need to buy at Costco".

The park was hot and full of things that live in nature which is not my element. I will meet up with him once more if we can find a safe place to meet that isn't the surface of the sun.
 

[Lantern7]

I only have two pictures: head shot, head shot with a mask. I don’t pose that often. I have a picture of me feeding a panda at the Atlanta Zoo, but 1. That was a long time ago, and 2. That probably falls under the category of posing with “tame” animals, even though China doesn’t loan their black-and-White butterballs to any American zoo.

If a profile and conversation disappear from OKC, does that mean the person’s account has been deleted? I’m back at square one yet again. I think I know what I did wrong, but I’m still frustrated at myself.

[theredhead77]

58 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

If a profile and conversation disappear from OKC, does that mean the person’s account has been deleted?

Either deleted or they weren't feeling it and unmatched. Or they were a bot and were purged.

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

I'm also a bit concerned he's started building up a relationship in his head, based on things he's said "why do I get the feeling you're going to put me to work doing house things" and "I figured after a few dates you could come over and help me decide what I need to buy at Costco".

Wow, he's really into gender stereotypes.

[aradia22]

Quote

My beautiful, sexy, classic, sub girl!!💋

New first message that I am ignoring. Wh-what?

[Sweeneyswt]

Ugh. Yes. Several months ago, I went to dinner with a guy from OKC, and he made comments about me helping him decorate. Based on what? I’m a woman? He doesn’t have his own likes or style? I learned from my ex husband that some people view being in a relationship predominately means having someone to share chores with. If I am newly dating someone, I do not want most of our time being spent with me helping you organize, move, clean, grocery shop, run errands. And, yes, mentioning all that early on reads for me that it will be one-sided.

Hopefully, this man just was making comments to fill the air? Seem cute? I don’t know. 

Sub girl? Submissive? Was that a copy and paste mistake or hoping you’d say, “yes! My lord and master!”

[aradia22]

Quote

I had a social distance date at a park (masks, on!) over the weekend. 

I'm so curious what this is like. A) I'm still paranoid about covid-19 B) I don't really want to go out with any of the guys I'm currently talking to if I can't make out with them C) I almost exclusively go to the grocery store because it's too hot to do anything else. Even sitting or slowly walking through a park while trying to talk through a mask feels like a lot in this weather.

[RealHousewife]

3 minutes ago, Sweeneyswt said:

Ugh. Yes. Several months ago, I went to dinner with a guy from OKC, and he made comments about me helping him decorate. Based on what? I’m a woman? He doesn’t have his own likes or style? I learned from my ex husband that some people view being in a relationship predominately means having someone to share chores with. If I am newly dating someone, I do not want most of our time being spent with me helping you organize, move, clean, grocery shop, run errands. And, yes, mentioning all that early on reads for me that it will be one-sided.

Hopefully, this man just was making comments to fill the air? Seem cute? I don’t know. 

Sub girl? Submissive? Was that a copy and paste mistake or hoping you’d say, “yes! My lord and master!”

This is a pet peeve of mine. I've had it happen with a friend too. If we don't have much of a relationship and you barely even text me, how are you going to expect me to spend my Saturday helping you move? 

@aradia22 I agree, being outside isn't fun for me. I quickly start feeling miserable walking around in the heat with a mask. I'm also a tiny female. I can't imagine what a big guy goes through. Ugh I want dating to be normal again. It's stressful enough as is.  

[Lantern7]

55 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Either deleted or they weren't feeling it and unmatched. Or they were a bot and were purged.

She wasn’t a bot. I feel like I get rejected often, but I was a little surprised this didn’t last a little longer. Basically, I go back to the beginning, (figuratively) smacking myself in the head along the way.

Oh, and I was talking to another match, but she went back to Brazil. Like I said: square one.

”Sub” = submarine sandwiches? Sorry you had to see that, @aradia22. What gets into some guys’ heads? 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, Bastet said:

Wow, he's really into gender stereotypes.

Possibly. It was in the context of conversation, I was sending him links him all the neat things I picked up for my house at Costco and was telling him about some of the home improvement things I was struggling with. 

1 hour ago, Sweeneyswt said:

Ugh. Yes. Several months ago, I went to dinner with a guy from OKC, and he made comments about me helping him decorate. Based on what? I’m a woman? He doesn’t have his own likes or style? I learned from my ex husband that some people view being in a relationship predominately means having someone to share chores with. If I am newly dating someone, I do not want most of our time being spent with me helping you organize, move, clean, grocery shop, run errands. And, yes, mentioning all that early on reads for me that it will be one-sided.

Hopefully, this man just was making comments to fill the air? Seem cute? I don’t know. 

That's how I took it, versus gender stereotypes. He's very aware that I am handy and was changing out doorknobs, hanging up photos and hanging up shelves (and freaking out about bugs). 

I think it was innocuous small talk but also more of a concern he was trying to from a relationship or future relationship when there isn't anything more than texting.

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

New first message that I am ignoring. Wh-what?

 

1 hour ago, Sweeneyswt said:

Sub girl? Submissive? Was that a copy and paste mistake or hoping you’d say, “yes! My lord and master!”

Could be. I'm not well versed in the dom/sub culture but fishing for a sub with a copy/paste message doesn't seem very dominant to me.

 

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

I'm so curious what this is like. A) I'm still paranoid about covid-19 B) I don't really want to go out with any of the guys I'm currently talking to if I can't make out with them C) I almost exclusively go to the grocery store because it's too hot to do anything else. Even sitting or slowly walking through a park while trying to talk through a mask feels like a lot in this weather.

It was fine but hot. I actually wear two masks - I have a welding grade N95 with a vent, and since it has a vent and it's been proven those don't filter the virus I wear a basic blue paper mask over it to protect from my exhale. I did miss having a meal and waiter break up the conversation but I suck as small talk. 

 

[Sweedish Fish]

Three day date guy and I are planning another meet-up.  We've been texting everyday, all day.

Too bad he lives a hundred miles away.  Talk about trains, planes and automobiles.

[Sweedish Fish]

My problem is that I am really good at texting - fun, responding - keeping conversation .. But in real life, I've been struggling to know what to say. I can't be my real self yet.

 

[aradia22]

Today I sat down to write some new first messages. So I read the profiles of the last 5 guys who matched with me. And they were all exhausting. So I think it's just me and I need a little break.

Still writing back and forth with The Conversationalist.

[aradia22]

OK, catch me stumbling into 3 hour very flirty chat with a cute guy who surprisingly pleasant to talk to and not bland/boring in his responses or too sexual in his advances. But we'll see what happens. Wouldn't be the first time a guy wanted to chat for a night and then got bored because we can't meet up.

ETA: We switched to Instagram and I was in some kind of mood because it got real sexy and like... I don't even know right now. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by aradia22

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

OK, catch me stumbling into 3 hour very flirty chat with a cute guy who surprisingly pleasant to talk to and not bland/boring in his responses or too sexual in his advances. But we'll see what happens. 

A cutie who’s interesting but not too forward is ideal. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you! 

[aradia22]

Well, it's still... going with the Instagram guy but, not amazingly. I'm attracted to him. He's articulate. But he shows very little interest in me as a person. He's not really romantic or even interested in asking me questions about myself. It would be one thing if I thought he was dumb. But he's not. He's smart enough to do better.

[JTMacc99]

@aradia22 it sounds like he's talking to you the way we men talk to each other. You know... just about stuff. 

Possibly a good indicator of why a smart, attractive man is single: Doesn't know how to talk to women. Or more specifically, he doesn't know how to flirt, how to weave romantic interest into the conversation. (I'm just saying, he might be interested in you but sucks at this part of the dating ritual.)

I think of the interactions we saw in the first couple of episodes of Love is Blind before that show took a hard left into boring. Barnett had THREE women completely obsessed with him. Why? Because he set the tone of flirty first and then he went into fact finding. He was great at it. 

It sounds like Instagram Guy is having fun talking to you, but now might need you to remind him that you met on a DATING site, and that it's okay to flirt with you.

[Sweedish Fish]

  Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to wear for an overnight with Mr. 3day?

Lingerie?  (oh god)  PJ's??   I don't know why I am so nervous about this.. I slept in tee shirt last time.. But he seems to expect a lot more.  😬

[aradia22]

@Sweedish Fish Easy answer... whatever you feel most comfortable in. Not like... the equivalent of a sleeping bag. But what would make you feel attractive and like you could be your best self? Practical answer? Something that's not bulky to pack and easy to take on and off.

Start as you mean to go on. You want him to know that you're interested and you care about looking your best but you also don't want to show up in a full fantasy outfit like your closet is full of hundreds of dollars worth of lingerie. Set reasonable expectations.

I hope it goes well. 🙂  

[aradia22]

@JTMacc99 I don't know what it is. I'm trying to give him time and not put so much pressure on him because he's not the guy I want him to be right now or not saying the exact things that I want him to say. But I'm wary of being so understanding and forgiving in case he's just trying to put in as little effort as possible for some kind of sexual reward.

He knows how to flirt. But only in a sexually suggestive way. Taking the LIB example, he's not doing any of the fact finding. Maybe I'm just wary from past bad experiences. Mr. Makeout would completely ignore me when I talked. I think this guy is listening. But his unwillingness to ask me things is making me a little crazy... like I kind of want to test him to see if he remembers things I said a while ago.

I also feel bad that I'm not more attracted to The Conversationalist. He continues to be sweet and to talk to me like a person. He's also smart and articulate but when he writes to me he shows genuine interest in me and comments thoughtfully on the last thing I wrote to him. It's just not very flirty. Every so often he'll drop a nice sentiment but it doesn't feel romantic. It feels like I'm writing to a friend.

Instagram guy is sexy but occasionally infuriating. The Conversationalist is smart and sweet but right now while we're unable to meet up because of covid-19... I just don't really feel a spark.

[possibilities]

If you flirt, does he flirt back?

I don't know about the hetero dynamic, but I judge things by whether I'm getting any response, not only on whether the other person initiates.

[Sweedish Fish]

Any thought on dicpics?  Lord why?