Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[JTMacc99]

2 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

if he has watched the show yet?

I did! I saw it last night between my conversations with various women I met online. 

Heh. I was fascinated to learn that it was created by two goofballs rather than actual experts in any relevant area. 

So my take is that I was in line with the take on it at the end of the show, which is anyone who used it to do further analysis about themselves and as a tool to help you understand the way you think and feel about things shouldn't feel bad about doing so now that you know the real history. 

I never put any stock in it as a tool to say a person can or can't do anything, and not much stock in whether or not I could find chemistry with a person based on their four letters. 

What I do think is fun, is to use it as a talking point when someone identifies strongly enough with their score to put it in a profile. It's no different than using a whole bunch of words to describe the way you think and act. In this case some mystery writer did it for us back in the 1940's. 

2 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

Can't wait to hear your take on that JTMacc!

Ha! As you can see, my take is neither to be angry or question my existence but to manipulate my new understanding of the facts to work in my favor. I'm good that way. It's why they don't let me use my accounting degree to do accounting anymore. 

[aradia22]

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 yet, this dude is not in Alton Brown's league, knowledge or personality wise.

Very true. Most of what's on the show seems like recycled Cracked articles.

[ratgirlagogo]

On 8/1/2017 at 3:33 PM, theredhead77 said:

Images with sedated wild animals

Okay.  I was kind of hoping somebody else would explain this one.  This is a thing? the kind of thing you'd put on your dating profile?  How, why.....?????

[theredhead77]

7 minutes ago, ratgirlagogo said:

Okay.  I was kind of hoping somebody else would explain this one.  This is a thing? the kind of thing you'd put on your dating profile?  How, why.....?????

It seems other countries (and maybe the US) offer photo ops with big cats (and other wild animals) as a tourist attraction. The animals are obviously sedated or they would attack everyone. I hate that that is a thing and think really poorly of people who support those types of businesses. 

[aradia22]

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Okay.  I was kind of hoping somebody else would explain this one.  This is a thing? the kind of thing you'd put on your dating profile?  How, why.....?????

I feel like this used to be more of a thing. But as with everything but shirtless selfies, the mockery has mostly phased it out of existence. I still see it occasionally. As @theredhead77 said, it tends to be big cats (lions, cheetahs, etc.) but I've almost always seen tigers. I went on vacation to Thailand once and they had a photo op at the zoo there but it was a baby tiger (the size of a large dog). These guys tend to pose with the fully grown tigers though.

Other formerly popular things that have generally been phased out of dating profile photos... photos holding a large fish while on a boat, fedoras... Things that have not been phased out... the kind of questionable photos that imply heavy drinking that you would scrub from the rest of your social media should schools or employers be looking, photos with women in sexualized attire that you pay for their time (showgirls, booth babes, strippers, etc.)...

Basically, some guys make weird decisions on how to represent themselves on their dating profiles. I'm sure some women do, too, but I'm only looking at it from this angle.

Something popular but inoffensive I've noticed lately is Hamilton photos. Photos with the poster, Playbill, etc. Of course, I do live in NY.

[aradia22]

I started sending out messages to mutual likes tonight because I can't just sit here and sulk forever. 

I was skimming through my inbox and ran across a muscle-bound guy and checked out his profile. Kind of a Jersey Shore type but the biggest red flag on his profile was the use of the word "chicks." 63% match so I went to investigate. He thinks the Earth is bigger than the sun. He got one of the math questions wrong. He thinks evolution shouldn't be taught in schools. And unsurprisingly he answered "no" to "do you enjoy intense intellectual conversations." This is why I like having the match % number available. 

[JTMacc99]

14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

He thinks the Earth is bigger than the sun.

HAHAHAHA!  I like that section. I marked the answer to those questions as "Very Important" to me.  I also loathe getting the questions wrong, so for ones that are actually interesting I double check with Google. For example, there is one that asks "What does wherefore mean in "Wherefore art thou Romeo"? Didn't want to just assume I was right since that's not a question of opinion but rather one of fact. 

As I start to lose interest in OK Cupid I decided to go back and answer more of the sex and dating questions I skipped earlier. There were questions I skipped because I thought my answers might create fewer matches, or I just didn't want some random coworker to know about me. For example, I had no problem answering questions like "Do you enjoy the taste of blood?"  Seems like I could safely answer that one with a "No" and get a good match score. Same for "Do you like hickies?" I did truthfully answer questions like "Say you've started seeing someone you really like. As far as you are concerned, how long will it take before you have sex?" which gives the choices of 1-2 dates, 3-5 dates, 6 or more dates, and Only after the wedding. I think that's neutral enough not to be overly revealing about myself and also helps somewhat with expectation levels in the matches. "Lights on, off or doesn't matter?" Is another good question that I answered the first time.

Now I'm going back and answering more fun questions just to see how the dating pool has answered the questions. "Do you imagine you're louder than average (for someone your gender) during sex." Heh. Good information to know.

Edited August 8, 2017 by JTMacc99

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

For example, there is one that asks "What does wherefore mean in "Wherefore art thou Romeo"?

I love that being a question!  Answering it wrong on a profile would annoy me not because they didn't already know (although, I must admit to being needlessly irked by how many people think it means "where" rather than "why"), but because they didn't read that question, think, "oh, that doesn't mean where?" and have the curiosity to go find out.

[aradia22]

Just got an email... okc is getting rid of "Visitors" so I cancelled my subscription. Seeing likes was a bonus but really I just wanted to creep around profiles undetected. No point in paying for Incognito Mode since that just means I'd have to put in even more effort sifting through profiles. 

[JTMacc99]

If you haven't heard the "Wherfore art thou Romeo?" in context and therefore actually think about it for like two seconds, it's pretty easy to just think "where". And yes, one would think when you see that question and aren't sure, you would have the curiosity to go look it up and see:

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

It's like right after that where you also get the line about a Rose by any other name smelling as sweet. 

 

16 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Just got an email... okc is getting rid of "Visitors" so I cancelled my subscription. Seeing likes was a bonus but really I just wanted to creep around profiles undetected. No point in paying for Incognito Mode since that just means I'd have to put in even more effort sifting through profiles. 

Had I not cancelled mine already, I would have done so today. Being able to go look at a profile to decide if you want to send a message, without showing up as a four time visitor before doing so, was well worth the few bucks. But like I said above, I'm kind of done with OKC and will probably let it sit for a while.

Hopefully you got some positive results from sending out some messages to mutual likes. 

[aradia22]

Two bites.

One is a guy who rides his bike/skateboard on the sidewalk. I CAN'T.

The other seems fine but nothing too promising.

So back to sending out messages when I can motivate myself again.

[Lantern7]

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Just got an email... okc is getting rid of "Visitors" so I cancelled my subscription. Seeing likes was a bonus but really I just wanted to creep around profiles undetected. No point in paying for Incognito Mode since that just means I'd have to put in even more effort sifting through profiles. 

What about people like me, that go on for free and get about three visitors a week? If somebody looks at my profile, I have to know. I see that, I look at the profile, and maybe I fire off a message, adding that merely visiting my profile does not imply an instant "like." If I get money, maybe I'll pony up dough for OKC, even though they're kinda/sorta kicking me somewhere sensitive with this move.

[theredhead77]

@Lantern7 you may get more hits if you log in every day, even if it's in the background. When people search, last activity date is a filter and you can select online in the last 24 hours. 

[aradia22]

Not thrilled with his profile but nothing too objectionable. Was having a playful, slightly flirty conversation with a guy. Then this...

Quote

HIM: Our first date will be around (insert my neighborhood) ;p

ME: So you're saying I'm going to have to be able to run home quickly?

HIM: Lol no

We will have some tea at your place. And watch Game of Thrones

ME: Nice try. But I don't watch GOT.

Sigh... I don't know how to properly put this into words. It's not the most offensive thing I've ever heard but... what makes you think you can just invite yourself over to my apartment? And do I seem like that cheap and easy of a date that you can put that little effort in and then presumably we'll end up fooling around? Because to me, that's what come over to my apartment on the first date means. And... NO. Aside from me knowing where all the weapons are... STRANGER DANGER.

[possibilities]

Did you make a counter-suggestion and see if he backed down? To me it makes a difference how someone reacts to being told no.

[theredhead77]

That doesn't read that he's inviting himself over. Perhaps he was trying to make it easier for you or thinks it's proper to put in the effort to head your direction for the first date. Personally, I always appreciate it when a guy who doesn't live super close to me offers to head my way for the first few dates. It doesn't mean I have to invite them over. 

5 hours ago, possibilities said:

Did you make a counter-suggestion and see if he backed down? To me it makes a difference how someone reacts to being told no.

This, did you?

[aradia22]

I feel like I already said no. But no, I didn't make a counter-suggestion. I went to bed. 

I get someone wanting to make bridging the distance easier but a first date suggestion when you've barely started talking that says let me come over to watch TV on your couch does not sound safe to me or like a suggestion from a guy who's on the level. This isn't even the guy I barely knew in high school. This is a complete stranger. And even if I did want to hook up, why do you expect me to have tea and HBO ready for you? 

[aradia22]

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ME: Have you been to any good tea places in the city?

HIM: No

Sigh... back to fishing. When I feel up for it. 

[Lantern7]

I'm still messaging, though with little luck. I'm talking with one lady, but she doesn't say much in her messages, at least at much as I do. Bear in mind, I can be very chatty online because women don't have to hear my nasal voice. I hate when I'm on the phone with somebody and they think I'm a woman because of that.

@aradia22 . . . dunno how our paths haven't crossed. I'm not a tea person, but I'd basically say, "Never really got into that; I'd give it a try." I want to show prospective dates that I'm up for breaking out of my box.

[aradia22]

I mean, he's the one who suggested tea (at my apartment) so the fact that he just said "no" makes me think it was the at my apartment part he was really after and not the tea. 

[JTMacc99]

13 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

I want to show prospective dates that I'm up for breaking out of my box.

I think that's a good approach both to the conversation and life in general. 

I think we all would like to have things in common with new friends.  But it is also great to have new things that we can learn about from the relationships as well as exposing our partners to new things we already enjoy. 

[JTMacc99]

So, like a couple weeks ago I got into a funk and decided to stop paying attention to the dating apps. I shut down Tinder two weeks ago, OK Cupid a week ago. I left up Bumble because I like that one and had an active connection with somebody. I changed my write up a bit and tweaked my photos. 

The net result of all this? I had a date on Wednesday, one tonight, and now it looks like one on Sunday. Apparently changing my attitude from "Can I interest you in a date?" to "Here I am, take it or leave it" somehow has radiated through the internet and my conversations. I'm actually pretty excited about tonight and Sunday. Each of them appeal to me, although in different ways. 

[DeLurker]

29 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Apparently changing my attitude from "Can I interest you in a date?" to "Here I am, take it or leave it" somehow has radiated through the internet and my conversations

That was the way the dating universe worked for me way back when.  No internet was involved, but when I would get into the space where dating or a relationship seemed like too much to deal with and was just content, it was like a beacon to guys to approach me.

For you posters active on on-line dating apps, do you ever meet potential dates in your everyday life (like us dating dinosaurs did)?

[JTMacc99]

For people in our forties with kids, there are some opportunities to find people without the help of dating apps. There are all of the things your kids do, which puts you in the same room or field as other parents. Some are single. Some know of someone who is single and offer to introduce you. If you want to make the effort to join groups, hiking groups, cooking groups, and so on, you can mix and mingle that way. You can try to strike up conversations when you are out and about, but that's a special skill I do not possess. 

And of course you spend all day at work with other grown ups and have the ability to build relationships there. Ideally you would make friends with people at work, who would then introduce you to other single people. Actually dating a coworker has some serious disadvantages. I would advise against it.

(There are people here who probably just got a chuckle out of that last sentence coming out of my mouth.)

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

(There are people here who probably just got a chuckle out of that last sentence coming out of my mouth.)

Raises hand.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 8/7/2017 at 8:09 PM, aradia22 said:

I was skimming through my inbox and ran across a muscle-bound guy and checked out his profile. Kind of a Jersey Shore type but the biggest red flag on his profile was the use of the word "chicks." 63% match so I went to investigate. He thinks the Earth is bigger than the sun. He got one of the math questions wrong. He thinks evolution shouldn't be taught in schools. And unsurprisingly he answered "no" to "do you enjoy intense intellectual conversations." This is why I like having the match % number available. 

Maybe it's some sort of new math, but I would be chagrined to be a 63% match with a Neanderthal like that.  I would hope for more in the low 20s, like maybe we both like dogs or something.

[Lantern7]

I'm thinking of breaking down and paying for OKC. I mean, if women like my profile, I should know abut it, right? I'm thinking six months, because going per-month would be expensive, and the only way that works is if I get into a solid relationship within the first month. You know what I'd need to make that happen right now? A genie.

[aradia22]

@Lantern7 Good luck whatever you decide! I say give it a shot. Women probably swipe right haphazardly less often than men do so seeing your "likes" might be useful. Speaking of genies, I happened to be working at Aladdin today.

[Cherry Bomb]

Since I have been dating in my early teens I have never dabbled in the online dating scene. While in High School  I dated boys either in my neighborhood or at my school. Then at college I dated guys that went to the same college. Now I have had dates and not really relationships with guys I've met at clubs and coffee houses, but nothing has materialized from that. I am only 22 years old and am starting my career in teaching on September 5th so it isn't really a huge priority of mine right now. Don't know if I'll ever go down the online dating path in the future as I have plenty of time to think on that. I actually am hoping that getting into my career and meeting co-workers and making new friends may lead to something that may end up to something in the future. I guess I will see and if it is meant to be it will happen.

[JTMacc99]

On 8/11/2017 at 8:46 AM, JTMacc99 said:

Each of them appeal to me, although in different ways. 

I need to go back and watch Seinfeld again, because one of the common themes throughout the series was the amount of dating that they all did, and the way just the smallest thing would completely derail any chances. After going through my round of new people last week, I definitely felt like a Seinfeld character. Just one example, but a good one, was five minutes in I mentioned where I work and the response was "Oh! My ex-boyfriend works there! You probably know him" and then she wouldn't tell me who he was. 

Dude. I have to assume that I wouldn't have been the only one who would periodically during the rest of the evening think "Ooh, I wonder if it was [name of coworker.]?"  Because that was totally unhelpful.

[aradia22]

Similar to @JTMacc99 's situation with people not responding, I've had two separate occasions of this kind of weirdness. So I'll talk to someone a bit. Nothing major. No sparks but a polite chat without just being boring small talk. And then I'll say goodbye and the next time I check my messages, they no longer have an account. Now, I've looked it up and unless the internet is lying to me, if you're blocked, you won't see the "X has deleted their account" message. If you see that it means they've really deleted their account. Thursday it was a lawyer (well, he hasn't gotten the results of his bar exams, but almost). Saturday night it was a pharmacist. Based on the most popular jobs of okc (at least in NYC with guys in my age bracket) I think I need a doctor, an tech guy, a finance bro, and a writer and I'll have a full set.  

[aradia22]

I just opened up okc and on the profiles there's a new "respond to this" link in each section. If you click it opens up a message box and seems to indicate you're specifically responding to that section. I'm going to hold off on testing it out. I assume an email will be forthcoming to explain this feature.

[Moose135]

I see that too, @aradia22, must be new.  I know they recently added that to photos in people's profiles, so you can comment directly on the photo to that person.

[aradia22]

Gasp! okc, are you drunk? Creepy Russian just came up on DoubleTake. He's actually filled out his profile now. But I'm sure he's just as creepy.

[aradia22]

Quote

The name is [redacted]! I'm in town for the night and was wondering if you had any plans or would like to join me in painting the town red or watching tv indoors :)

It's 11 pm and I'm not an escort. 

[DeLurker]

Isn't there another app (apps) for that kind of thing?  Wow.

[aradia22]

Quote

Is it a requirement that you communicate every day with your significant other (via phone, text, in person, whatever)?

Do most people answer yes to this? Am I the weird one? I get it if you're in a longterm relationship and/or if you live in the same house but otherwise, it seems like a bit much to me. 

[Bastet]

I can't fathom having to talk to/email someone every single day just because; it would drive me nuts to get daily calls or emails for no reason, as it would make me feel smothered.  And a little creeped out, because while it's not stalking, it would feel like I was being kept tabs on by an insecure, possessive person, whether that was actually the case or not.

A friend of mine had a boyfriend like that years ago; they got along well in other ways, but the constant communication - plus wanting to see her several times a week - quickly became a deal-breaker for her and she ended it.

[Moose135]

3 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Do most people answer yes to this? Am I the weird one?

If you're weird, then I must be too.

[possibilities]

I'm glad I'm not the only person left on the planet who doesn't feel desperate for constant meaningless attention.

My attitude is: when we're together, focus. When we're not together: focus.

[JTMacc99]

13 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Do most people answer yes to this? Am I the weird one? I get it if you're in a longterm relationship and/or if you live in the same house but otherwise, it seems like a bit much to me. 

There is a pretty good distribution of the responses to that question. Some flat out yes. Some yes, but it's not necessary. Some no and/or definitely not. 

Some qualify the answer with what it means to them by LTR. And some are just like "Ew. Talking to someone I love every day? No. Give me some space weirdo." Heh.

It's a pretty good question. It has a purely subjective answer so it lets me gauge the person and how I might see the world through her eyes. 

I'm off of OKC. Done. 

Had a second date with someone I like last night, so this should keep me occupied for a while until I screw it up. 

[aradia22]

Quote

"Hello, my name is (redacted). I live in newyork.I'm looking for a companion.someone with a big personality but able to give me plenty of attention too.please massage me if you've got a good appetite,interesting conversation and the ability to laugh at your self."

Today in fun typos... And before you're like, well, that's an honest mistake, why not talk to him anyway? He believes creationism should be taught in schools; he thinks homosexuality is a sin; he's anti-abortion; he smokes "rarely"; God is extremely important to him. 4% match, 66% enemy. Good job, okc algorithm.

Edited August 19, 2017 by aradia22

[aradia22]

I almost had a date today because I thought "why not? Let's just get out there." But I didn't really want to go so I didn't make the date. Maybe I'll get back there at some point (to the place where I'll go on a date and just see what happens) but even with the loneliness, right now I don't want to waste time with someone I'm not actually interested in. 

[aradia22]

You guys... drama. Guess who fucking texted me tonight? Sweet Nugget. We went out May 27 so it's almost 3 months exactly since our one and only date. I cannot deal with this tonight so I'm going to bed. 

[Lantern7]

I'm sorry to hear that, @aradia22. I don't know you, but I'm willing to bet you don't deserve any grief.

I haven't gotten a nibble since I subscribed. I'm looking at five photo profiles, and one of them is a guy. Why must you do that, OKC?? I'd feel even worse for the poor hetero bastard who has to look at the picture from my profile.

[Moose135]

8 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

I'm looking at five photo profiles, and one of them is a guy. Why must you do that, OKC??

I don't understand that either - I get guys pop up from time to time as well.  Another strange thing I noticed - although I didn't change anything in my profile, when I was back on Long Island for a few weeks in May/June, I got a ton of visits and a few likes from women in the NY metro area.  Do they use IP address or something in addition to the location you list in your profile?  They stopped when I got back to NC.

[aradia22]

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I'm sorry to hear that, @ARADIA22. I don't know you, but I'm willing to bet you don't deserve any grief.

It's OK @Lantern7. The message was actually pretty straightforward and sweet. I'll post it if you want. I'm not sure I want to get into his drama again but it wasn't anything offensive like Mr. Blue Balls.

Quote

I don't understand that either - I get guys pop up from time to time as well.  

I get women in my Quickmatch/DoubleTake (whatever) feed sometimes too. Sometimes people pick the wrong sex/gender (I forget what it's called) when they sign up. I know because they end up getting flagged if you moderate. But the algorithm also just seems the tiniest bit wobbly. Not helping is that some people use all the words to self-identify... genderqueer, heteroflexible, etc. so they end up popping up for daters of all different sexual orientations. It doesn't happen often enough to be a problem in my experience.

[Lantern7]

So . . . basically, when it comes to dating, you either get a positive response, negative response, or no response. And positives are pretty rare. I want "action," but I wouldn't want the crap @aradia22 has been enduring. And I'm guessing that gender might be a factor.

[aradia22]

I texted Sweet Nugget back just so I could get it out of my mind. The first thing he texted back reminded me that he's spending a semester abroad so when he asked to meet up it was easy to say no because he's leaving in a month. We texted politely back and forth wishing each other the best in our various endeavors. I have the kind of brain where I needed to engage so I could put it out of my mind. And now hopefully, I will put it out of my mind. He'll be back in December. We might reconnect then. Or maybe I'll have found someone I genuinely like. But I don't need him as a distraction right now.

[Lantern7]

Clicked a profile from what I assumed was a 31-year-old woman. Imagine my surprise. "I am a very femenine sissy boy I love crossdressing and being a servant slut to my man" Does OKC know something about me that I do not? #eyeroll