Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[shapeshifter]

Since this thread title includes "the good," I thought I'd share something from the sunny side of the street for a change:

My middle daughter (age 41 and still struggling with debt, unemployment, a recent mugging {but she got her phone back?!?}, a very recent hospitalization with MRSA, etc., etc.) did get into graduate school, and texted me 2 days ago to ask if she could interview me for an assignment.
I was happy to do it (and to hear from her).
Of course, she wound up calling me just a few hours before the completed assignment needed to be uploaded, including a transcript, and she didn't have a functioning audio recording app. 
But I was able to record it and quickly send her the file after we were done with the 30-minute interview, and she did a great job with it (she sent me the edited interview text file). I'm sure it will be one of the best in her class (of course; Mom here) and it will also be a keepsake for all 3 of my daughters and 2 grandsons when I'm gone (I still have the recording on my laptop).
It was about my personal history as an artist (50+ years) and what I thought of a particular work by another artist (we chose one of Monet's haystack paintings because we were pretty sure we'd seen it together in 2007 by looking at old photo files of us together and which of Monet's works were at the Met when I was visiting her at that time).

Sorry if this is too much detail and too boring, but at least the positive mostly outweighs the negative without my pretending things are better than they are.

[PRgal]

My son went to a birthday party at an arcade yesterday.  He had a good time playing, but said the pizza was cold.  Today, just now, my husband ordered a pizza for lunch.  And today, I learned my son liked pineapple on pizza that's NOT a Hawaiian.  His pizza had the following:  beef, mushrooms, bacon and pineapple (with cheddar and feta in addition to the mozzarella..).  I don't eat meat before dinner, so I picked the bacon and beef off, but I have to admit that I kind of liked it!! 

[shapeshifter]

I know this is probably supposed to be making a political statement, but it perfectly describes the way my 2-years-older sister always played board games with me:

[PRgal]

You know how my dad is completely against my husband and I putting our son in "risky" sports?  Well, we were pleasantly surprised that he was totally game on signing him up for rock climbing!  Though we're probably going to wait until the spring, summer or even next fall.  The indoor climbing facility near us has a minimum age requirement of six and the little one JUST turned six.  He's also small for his age.  We're thinking of sending him to a one day workshop/camp just for him to try it out before thinking about week long day camps.  Now why would he be okay with rock climbing but not so much on skating?  Because of the hockey factor?  Not all boys (or girls) even WANT to play hockey.

[Mountainair]

I don’t consider rock climbing risky at all. I know mileage may vary but generally you are attached to a pulley system especially with indoor rock climbing. It’s not like you are going to fall and injure yourself unless you are doing free range mountain climbing. 

I had the hardest time getting my son’s cardiologist to clear him for skating and playing non contact hockey. He finally gave me the a-ok but suggested many other sports options including rock climbing. 

[Caoimhe]

There is an extended family Thanksgiving dinner being planned. Cousins mentioned they were invited and looking forward to going which is good. We are invited to my late brother’s wife for dinner (she declined an invite to the big dinner for herself and partner) which is very kind and I look forward to. I (wrongly?) assumed if she had accepted then we might also have been invited to the big dinner. But then cousins said “yes and late brother’s wife and partner are joining us later for dessert”. Okay, I know they are close to the host and invited to a LOT of events at their home so this doesn’t surprise me.  What really hurts is why did we not get an invitation to come later for dessert too? I don’t mind if we eat early so they can be on time for their later invitation but I’m the ONLY other cousin with no family left yet I feel like I’m not welcome there.

No one has given any indication why they hate me or don’t want to include me (and politically the cousins who are invited are on the opposite side of the hosts and ourselves so it’s not that). It’s not a numbers issue because they have huge gatherings all the time. Which leads me to believe it’s a “me” issue after all and I must learn to be content with our solitary existence. My very lovely in-laws  are in another country that doesn’t have Thanksgiving.

(Sorry for the saga but as I have no friends I had to get it out somewhere!)

[shapeshifter]

33 minutes ago, Caoimhe said:

There is an extended family Thanksgiving dinner being planned. Cousins mentioned they were invited and looking forward to going which is good. We are invited to my late brother’s wife for dinner (she declined an invite to the big dinner for herself and partner) which is very kind and I look forward to. I (wrongly?) assumed if she had accepted then we might also have been invited to the big dinner. But then cousins said “yes and late brother’s wife and partner are joining us later for dessert”. Okay, I know they are close to the host and invited to a LOT of events at their home so this doesn’t surprise me.  What really hurts is why did we not get an invitation to come later for dessert too? I don’t mind if we eat early so they can be on time for their later invitation but I’m the ONLY other cousin with no family left yet I feel like I’m not welcome there.

No one has given any indication why they hate me or don’t want to include me (and politically the cousins who are invited are on the opposite side of the hosts and ourselves so it’s not that). It’s not a numbers issue because they have huge gatherings all the time. Which leads me to believe it’s a “me” issue after all and I must learn to be content with our solitary existence. My very lovely in-laws  are in another country that doesn’t have Thanksgiving.

(Sorry for the saga but as I have no friends I had to get it out somewhere!)

Any chance it was just an oversight?
 

[Caoimhe]

3 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Any chance it was just an oversight?

I really want to think the missing dinner invite was after they knew we were invited elsewhere and had already accepted.  What bothers me most is no text saying “they’re coming over later Thursday for dessert why don’t you come along too” or even my sister in law saying “we’re going over later after dinner you’re welcome to join us”. I’m socially inept so I should look at this in a positive way, there will be many strangers as I’ve only ever met two of my cousins’ (host family and siblings) children and there are a dozen between them all.

The virtual hugs help.  

Edited November 12 by Caoimhe
Left out a word

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, Caoimhe said:

What bothers me most is no text saying “they’re coming over later Thursday for dessert why don’t you come along too” or even my sister in law saying “we’re going over later after dinner you’re welcome to join us”.

I can't imagine anyone that wouldn't bother; it's just common courtesy.  So it obviously follows that you're hurt by it.  It just plain stinks, and I'm sorry that's happened to you.  I hope you have a good time at the dinner, and, as you said, think about how overwhelming going to the dessert would have been with all those strangers, including children, and enjoy the post-dinner quiet instead.

[Mindthinkr]

@Caoimhe Are you living in my skin because this closely reminds me of my own family. My family has never included me at any holidays since my Mother died. I will be spending Thanksgiving alone…well with my cat. Frankly I’m somewhat used to it. I can remember my parents driving 16 hours to spend Christmas with my brother and leaving 15 year old me at home alone. Hugs 🧸

[Absolom]

I rather have the opposite problem. I'm possibly going to be the battleground this Thanksgiving.  Everyone wants mom/grandma at dinner.  In-laws seem to wish to continue being selfish and not comprehending most married couples alternate years. ::big sigh::

[Caoimhe]

8 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

@Caoimhe Are you living in my skin because this closely reminds me of my own family. My family has never included me at any holidays since my Mother died. I will be spending Thanksgiving alone…well with my cat. Frankly I’m somewhat used to it. I can remember my parents driving 16 hours to spend Christmas with my brother and leaving 15 year old me at home alone. Hugs 🧸

I am SO sorry, I can’t even imagine the pain of being left behind for any holiday at such a young age. While my parents and siblings were alive holidays were good, maybe this is the a consequence of being “last one standing”. My brother who died most recently hosted us for all the holidays and his wife is continuing to include us, only she and her new partner have been “adopted” into the cousins’ family so they get invited to everything and I need to stop letting that hurt me.  

I really hate that for so many people the holidays are painful and difficult whether it’s being left out or being pulled in too many directions. If only I could hibernate and avoid Thanksgiving / Christmas *AND* Winter!

[Browncoat]

This will be my first Thanksgiving without either of my parents, and so without any family.  I will be in New Zealand, having lunch with the Hobbits.

I'll be back home before Christmas, though, and that's going to be rough.

[Ancaster]

On 11/13/2024 at 3:13 PM, Browncoat said:

This will be my first Thanksgiving without either of my parents, and so without any family.  I will be in New Zealand, having lunch with the Hobbits.

I'll be back home before Christmas, though, and that's going to be rough.

I'm very sorry about this.

Have you thought about volunteering somewhere?  Or maybe just visiting a residential home?  I go to a senior center here where there are always people who don't have family nearby.

Edited November 15 by Ancaster

[Browncoat]

3 hours ago, Ancaster said:

I'm very sorry about this.

Have you thought about volunteering somewhere?  Or maybe just visiting a residential home?  I go to a senior center here where there are always people who don't have family nearby.

Probably not this year.  I'll return to the US late on Dec 23, so I'll likely be mostly sleeping and recovering from jet lag (and doing laundry!) over the actual Christmas days.

[shapeshifter]

7 hours ago, Browncoat said:

Probably not this year.  I'll return to the US late on Dec 23, so I'll likely be mostly sleeping and recovering from jet lag (and doing laundry!) over the actual Christmas days.

Is there a beach nearby where you can go for a walk?

[Browncoat]

54 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Is there a beach nearby where you can go for a walk?

The best I can do is a river.  Or maybe a lake if the state park is open.  I live a good 5-6 hours from the closest ocean beach.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Browncoat said:

The best I can do is a river.  Or maybe a lake if the state park is open.  I live a good 5-6 hours from the closest ocean beach.

I was actually thinking of a lake beach. 😉
But a river would do too.

[AgathaC]

Let me tell you, step parenting is not for the faint of heart. As I’ve said before, my situation is better than most (Hubby and his Ex mostly communicate and can interact, Ex doesn’t seem to hate me and SS13 isn’t warm or friendly but is mostly agreeable). But even with all that, it can be infuriating.

Last month, I vented about problems with SS faking sick to stay home from school. Well, it’s still going on. SS does have acid reflux and has had it for years. He has a prescription and it’s not something that should send him home, as he’s not contagious and it doesn’t make him sick enough he can’t be at school.

Two weeks ago, Ex texted Hubby to let him know SS threw up at school and got sent home. This was a Wednesday. He had to stay home Thursday because that’s district policy. He was fine. Guess what happened before school Friday? He told his mom he threw up. Another day at home.

When he came back to our house, he had an OTC med with him. He has a prescription (which he hasn’t been taking), but instead of calling the doctor, Ex went to Walgreens and bought an OTC — one he can’t take long term (she didn’t read the box). So Hubby called the doctor, got the scrip refilled and made sure SS was taking it. He was fine all week.

He’s back at his mom’s this week. Like clockwork: she gets a call to pick him up yesterday. This time she took him to the doctor where they could find nothing wrong and said he needs to take his medicine consistently for a couple more weeks for it to be fully effective and to call if it persists.

It’s beyond frustrating. Both Ex and Hubby have talked to SS to see if there’s a problem at school. He says no. The school says no. Yet:

1) These episodes never happen on weekends or holidays.

2) They never happen on weeks he’s at our house.

3) On days he has to stay home, he’s perfectly fine.

Yet Ex seems utterly oblivious about how to deal with it. She admitted to Hubby she had noticed the pattern. But does nothing.

Thing is, he tried this at our house twice two years ago. The first time, we realized he wasn’t sick and made his stay at home incredibly boring. No gaming or TV, etc. The second time, Hubby told the nurse “he has reflux. He’s fine. Send him back.” Never happened at our house again. She picks him up and then he spends his days sleeping in and playing PS5.

Hubby suggested to her that they get a doctor note telling the nurse “this kid has reflux. If he doesn’t have fever, don’t send him home.” No response from her. This is a highly educated, intelligent woman. And she’s getting snowed by her kid left and right.

There’s not much Hubby can do because none of this happens here. That makes it extra frustrating because this kid is allowed to continue his manipulations and faces no consequences. He just gets what he wants. Not to mention the impact this has on education. His grades are good (he’s underchallenged in regular classes when he’s capable of advanced), but you miss a lot by not being in class.

[Absolom]

There are several options for why the mom doesn't deal.  One thing is though only she can make herself change how she deals with the problem.  It's so super frustrating to watch.  All I can offer is what I call tea and sympathy.

Edited Tuesday at 08:04 PM by Absolom

[AgathaC]

2 hours ago, Absolom said:

There are several options for why the mom doesn't deal.  One thing is though only she can make herself change how she deals with the problem.  It's so super frustrating to watch.  All I can offfer is what I call tea and sympathy.

A big part of it is, as she’s admitted “I just can’t stand to see him upset.” Which, as we know, makes for awesome parenting. 🙄 A wise person once told me, “If your kids are never upset with you, you’re doing it wrong.”

[Absolom]

The MIL won again. We'll all be gathered at her house.  I'll take the positive of she prefers to have extra people at Thanksgiving so she can always have all her children there.  It's the only holiday of the year that is in contention so I'll also take that positive.  It's another family member that gets upset.  I can smile that I haven't cooked for Thanksgiving in something like 15 years.