Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[shapeshifter]

Since this thread title includes "the good," I thought I'd share something from the sunny side of the street for a change:

My middle daughter (age 41 and still struggling with debt, unemployment, a recent mugging {but she got her phone back?!?}, a very recent hospitalization with MRSA, etc., etc.) did get into graduate school, and texted me 2 days ago to ask if she could interview me for an assignment.
I was happy to do it (and to hear from her).
Of course, she wound up calling me just a few hours before the completed assignment needed to be uploaded, including a transcript, and she didn't have a functioning audio recording app. 
But I was able to record it and quickly send her the file after we were done with the 30-minute interview, and she did a great job with it (she sent me the edited interview text file). I'm sure it will be one of the best in her class (of course; Mom here) and it will also be a keepsake for all 3 of my daughters and 2 grandsons when I'm gone (I still have the recording on my laptop).
It was about my personal history as an artist (50+ years) and what I thought of a particular work by another artist (we chose one of Monet's haystack paintings because we were pretty sure we'd seen it together in 2007 by looking at old photo files of us together and which of Monet's works were at the Met when I was visiting her at that time).

Sorry if this is too much detail and too boring, but at least the positive mostly outweighs the negative without my pretending things are better than they are.

[PRgal]

My son went to a birthday party at an arcade yesterday.  He had a good time playing, but said the pizza was cold.  Today, just now, my husband ordered a pizza for lunch.  And today, I learned my son liked pineapple on pizza that's NOT a Hawaiian.  His pizza had the following:  beef, mushrooms, bacon and pineapple (with cheddar and feta in addition to the mozzarella..).  I don't eat meat before dinner, so I picked the bacon and beef off, but I have to admit that I kind of liked it!! 

[shapeshifter]

I know this is probably supposed to be making a political statement, but it perfectly describes the way my 2-years-older sister always played board games with me:

[PRgal]

You know how my dad is completely against my husband and I putting our son in "risky" sports?  Well, we were pleasantly surprised that he was totally game on signing him up for rock climbing!  Though we're probably going to wait until the spring, summer or even next fall.  The indoor climbing facility near us has a minimum age requirement of six and the little one JUST turned six.  He's also small for his age.  We're thinking of sending him to a one day workshop/camp just for him to try it out before thinking about week long day camps.  Now why would he be okay with rock climbing but not so much on skating?  Because of the hockey factor?  Not all boys (or girls) even WANT to play hockey.

[Mountainair]

I don’t consider rock climbing risky at all. I know mileage may vary but generally you are attached to a pulley system especially with indoor rock climbing. It’s not like you are going to fall and injure yourself unless you are doing free range mountain climbing. 

I had the hardest time getting my son’s cardiologist to clear him for skating and playing non contact hockey. He finally gave me the a-ok but suggested many other sports options including rock climbing. 

[Caoimhe]

There is an extended family Thanksgiving dinner being planned. Cousins mentioned they were invited and looking forward to going which is good. We are invited to my late brother’s wife for dinner (she declined an invite to the big dinner for herself and partner) which is very kind and I look forward to. I (wrongly?) assumed if she had accepted then we might also have been invited to the big dinner. But then cousins said “yes and late brother’s wife and partner are joining us later for dessert”. Okay, I know they are close to the host and invited to a LOT of events at their home so this doesn’t surprise me.  What really hurts is why did we not get an invitation to come later for dessert too? I don’t mind if we eat early so they can be on time for their later invitation but I’m the ONLY other cousin with no family left yet I feel like I’m not welcome there.

No one has given any indication why they hate me or don’t want to include me (and politically the cousins who are invited are on the opposite side of the hosts and ourselves so it’s not that). It’s not a numbers issue because they have huge gatherings all the time. Which leads me to believe it’s a “me” issue after all and I must learn to be content with our solitary existence. My very lovely in-laws  are in another country that doesn’t have Thanksgiving.

(Sorry for the saga but as I have no friends I had to get it out somewhere!)

[shapeshifter]

33 minutes ago, Caoimhe said:

There is an extended family Thanksgiving dinner being planned. Cousins mentioned they were invited and looking forward to going which is good. We are invited to my late brother’s wife for dinner (she declined an invite to the big dinner for herself and partner) which is very kind and I look forward to. I (wrongly?) assumed if she had accepted then we might also have been invited to the big dinner. But then cousins said “yes and late brother’s wife and partner are joining us later for dessert”. Okay, I know they are close to the host and invited to a LOT of events at their home so this doesn’t surprise me.  What really hurts is why did we not get an invitation to come later for dessert too? I don’t mind if we eat early so they can be on time for their later invitation but I’m the ONLY other cousin with no family left yet I feel like I’m not welcome there.

No one has given any indication why they hate me or don’t want to include me (and politically the cousins who are invited are on the opposite side of the hosts and ourselves so it’s not that). It’s not a numbers issue because they have huge gatherings all the time. Which leads me to believe it’s a “me” issue after all and I must learn to be content with our solitary existence. My very lovely in-laws  are in another country that doesn’t have Thanksgiving.

(Sorry for the saga but as I have no friends I had to get it out somewhere!)

Any chance it was just an oversight?
 

[Caoimhe]

3 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Any chance it was just an oversight?

I really want to think the missing dinner invite was after they knew we were invited elsewhere and had already accepted.  What bothers me most is no text saying “they’re coming over later Thursday for dessert why don’t you come along too” or even my sister in law saying “we’re going over later after dinner you’re welcome to join us”. I’m socially inept so I should look at this in a positive way, there will be many strangers as I’ve only ever met two of my cousins’ (host family and siblings) children and there are a dozen between them all.

The virtual hugs help.  

Edited November 12 by Caoimhe
Left out a word

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, Caoimhe said:

What bothers me most is no text saying “they’re coming over later Thursday for dessert why don’t you come along too” or even my sister in law saying “we’re going over later after dinner you’re welcome to join us”.

I can't imagine anyone that wouldn't bother; it's just common courtesy.  So it obviously follows that you're hurt by it.  It just plain stinks, and I'm sorry that's happened to you.  I hope you have a good time at the dinner, and, as you said, think about how overwhelming going to the dessert would have been with all those strangers, including children, and enjoy the post-dinner quiet instead.

[Mindthinkr]

@Caoimhe Are you living in my skin because this closely reminds me of my own family. My family has never included me at any holidays since my Mother died. I will be spending Thanksgiving alone…well with my cat. Frankly I’m somewhat used to it. I can remember my parents driving 16 hours to spend Christmas with my brother and leaving 15 year old me at home alone. Hugs 🧸

[Absolom]

I rather have the opposite problem. I'm possibly going to be the battleground this Thanksgiving.  Everyone wants mom/grandma at dinner.  In-laws seem to wish to continue being selfish and not comprehending most married couples alternate years. ::big sigh::

[Caoimhe]

8 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

@Caoimhe Are you living in my skin because this closely reminds me of my own family. My family has never included me at any holidays since my Mother died. I will be spending Thanksgiving alone…well with my cat. Frankly I’m somewhat used to it. I can remember my parents driving 16 hours to spend Christmas with my brother and leaving 15 year old me at home alone. Hugs 🧸

I am SO sorry, I can’t even imagine the pain of being left behind for any holiday at such a young age. While my parents and siblings were alive holidays were good, maybe this is the a consequence of being “last one standing”. My brother who died most recently hosted us for all the holidays and his wife is continuing to include us, only she and her new partner have been “adopted” into the cousins’ family so they get invited to everything and I need to stop letting that hurt me.  

I really hate that for so many people the holidays are painful and difficult whether it’s being left out or being pulled in too many directions. If only I could hibernate and avoid Thanksgiving / Christmas *AND* Winter!

[Browncoat]

This will be my first Thanksgiving without either of my parents, and so without any family.  I will be in New Zealand, having lunch with the Hobbits.

I'll be back home before Christmas, though, and that's going to be rough.

[Ancaster]

On 11/13/2024 at 3:13 PM, Browncoat said:

This will be my first Thanksgiving without either of my parents, and so without any family.  I will be in New Zealand, having lunch with the Hobbits.

I'll be back home before Christmas, though, and that's going to be rough.

I'm very sorry about this.

Have you thought about volunteering somewhere?  Or maybe just visiting a residential home?  I go to a senior center here where there are always people who don't have family nearby.

Edited November 15 by Ancaster

[Browncoat]

3 hours ago, Ancaster said:

I'm very sorry about this.

Have you thought about volunteering somewhere?  Or maybe just visiting a residential home?  I go to a senior center here where there are always people who don't have family nearby.

Probably not this year.  I'll return to the US late on Dec 23, so I'll likely be mostly sleeping and recovering from jet lag (and doing laundry!) over the actual Christmas days.

[shapeshifter]

7 hours ago, Browncoat said:

Probably not this year.  I'll return to the US late on Dec 23, so I'll likely be mostly sleeping and recovering from jet lag (and doing laundry!) over the actual Christmas days.

Is there a beach nearby where you can go for a walk?

[Browncoat]

54 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Is there a beach nearby where you can go for a walk?

The best I can do is a river.  Or maybe a lake if the state park is open.  I live a good 5-6 hours from the closest ocean beach.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Browncoat said:

The best I can do is a river.  Or maybe a lake if the state park is open.  I live a good 5-6 hours from the closest ocean beach.

I was actually thinking of a lake beach. 😉
But a river would do too.

[AgathaC]

Let me tell you, step parenting is not for the faint of heart. As I’ve said before, my situation is better than most (Hubby and his Ex mostly communicate and can interact, Ex doesn’t seem to hate me and SS13 isn’t warm or friendly but is mostly agreeable). But even with all that, it can be infuriating.

Last month, I vented about problems with SS faking sick to stay home from school. Well, it’s still going on. SS does have acid reflux and has had it for years. He has a prescription and it’s not something that should send him home, as he’s not contagious and it doesn’t make him sick enough he can’t be at school.

Two weeks ago, Ex texted Hubby to let him know SS threw up at school and got sent home. This was a Wednesday. He had to stay home Thursday because that’s district policy. He was fine. Guess what happened before school Friday? He told his mom he threw up. Another day at home.

When he came back to our house, he had an OTC med with him. He has a prescription (which he hasn’t been taking), but instead of calling the doctor, Ex went to Walgreens and bought an OTC — one he can’t take long term (she didn’t read the box). So Hubby called the doctor, got the scrip refilled and made sure SS was taking it. He was fine all week.

He’s back at his mom’s this week. Like clockwork: she gets a call to pick him up yesterday. This time she took him to the doctor where they could find nothing wrong and said he needs to take his medicine consistently for a couple more weeks for it to be fully effective and to call if it persists.

It’s beyond frustrating. Both Ex and Hubby have talked to SS to see if there’s a problem at school. He says no. The school says no. Yet:

1) These episodes never happen on weekends or holidays.

2) They never happen on weeks he’s at our house.

3) On days he has to stay home, he’s perfectly fine.

Yet Ex seems utterly oblivious about how to deal with it. She admitted to Hubby she had noticed the pattern. But does nothing.

Thing is, he tried this at our house twice two years ago. The first time, we realized he wasn’t sick and made his stay at home incredibly boring. No gaming or TV, etc. The second time, Hubby told the nurse “he has reflux. He’s fine. Send him back.” Never happened at our house again. She picks him up and then he spends his days sleeping in and playing PS5.

Hubby suggested to her that they get a doctor note telling the nurse “this kid has reflux. If he doesn’t have fever, don’t send him home.” No response from her. This is a highly educated, intelligent woman. And she’s getting snowed by her kid left and right.

There’s not much Hubby can do because none of this happens here. That makes it extra frustrating because this kid is allowed to continue his manipulations and faces no consequences. He just gets what he wants. Not to mention the impact this has on education. His grades are good (he’s underchallenged in regular classes when he’s capable of advanced), but you miss a lot by not being in class.

[Absolom]

There are several options for why the mom doesn't deal.  One thing is though only she can make herself change how she deals with the problem.  It's so super frustrating to watch.  All I can offer is what I call tea and sympathy.

Edited November 19 by Absolom

[AgathaC]

2 hours ago, Absolom said:

There are several options for why the mom doesn't deal.  One thing is though only she can make herself change how she deals with the problem.  It's so super frustrating to watch.  All I can offfer is what I call tea and sympathy.

A big part of it is, as she’s admitted “I just can’t stand to see him upset.” Which, as we know, makes for awesome parenting. 🙄 A wise person once told me, “If your kids are never upset with you, you’re doing it wrong.”

[Absolom]

The MIL won again. We'll all be gathered at her house.  I'll take the positive of she prefers to have extra people at Thanksgiving so she can always have all her children there.  It's the only holiday of the year that is in contention so I'll also take that positive.  It's another family member that gets upset.  I can smile that I haven't cooked for Thanksgiving in something like 15 years.

[Cloud9Shopper]

More Christmas drama but this time on my mom’s side of the family. 

My mom decided in agreement with her sisters that we would all do our own thing for Christmas Eve because everyone is already busy and my brother usually doesn’t get to town until late due to his work schedule. One of my aunts, who normally hosts Christmas Eve, then called my mom yesterday moaning that she “can’t bear” not hosting and her son, who has an intellectual disability, is upset people won’t be coming over. She then tried to insist my mom drop off food for me and my brother before coming to her house and my mom refused. Her son, for the record, spends about 10 minutes seeing everyone and then goes upstairs. My aunt is in her 70s, for the record, and is complaining about this and bemoaning about not getting her way even though she said this was fine. 

What is it about Christmas that turns adults older than me (and I’m almost 40) into such children and causes them to throw hissy fits? It’s not like my aunt can’t still have her other kids or invite anyone else she wants over. We just opted for a simpler holiday. And now she’s crying and trying to back out of an agreement she was a part of. 

Honestly if I could stand kids, I would go on a cruise for Christmas and tell my family I would see them after. It’s the cost of a holiday cruise (or vacationing anywhere during Christmas honestly) and the fact that there will be so many kids around at a resort on a cruise ship that stops me from doing it. 

Edited December 3 by Cloud9Shopper

[shapeshifter]

On 12/3/2024 at 9:29 AM, Cloud9Shopper said:

What is it about Christmas that turns adults older than me (and I’m almost 40) into such children and causes them to throw hissy fits? It’s not like my aunt can’t still have her other kids or invite anyone else she wants over. We just opted for a simpler holiday. And now she’s crying and trying to back out of an agreement she was a part of. 

My slightly older sister, age 73, has always been like this — I mean: clinging to rituals — so I don't think it's necessarily just an age thing. 
However, I think those who have always clung to family rituals with mentally unhealthy vigilance are more upset when things change over time, as is the nature of life.

If that's the case with your aunt, my advice is to not cave in, since that will only prolong her adjusting to this next phase of family life. 
But it doesn't sound like you're caving in to make her stop crying, right, @Cloud9Shopper? 
So just be sure to not fall into any guilt trip/trap/pits — whether foisted upon you by family members, or of your own making. 
Maybe she'll invite a neighbor and start a new, later-in-life ritual.

Edited December 4 by shapeshifter

[PRgal]

Kiddo has another loose tooth and this time, it's impacting how he eats.  He loses interest because it's uncomfortable for him to bite/chew. :( I was probably like this too but I don't remember.  I can't make pasta every night.  Rice is an option, but only with soft proteins.  And what about vegetables?  

[Mindthinkr]

28 minutes ago, PRgal said:

And what about vegetables? 

Mashed sweet potatoes, beans that have been cooked down to a softness he should be able to eat with his molars. Peas, mashed carrots, and cauliflower rice. Most vegetables can be puréed into a soup as well for easy consumption. 

[Anela]

2 hours ago, PRgal said:

Kiddo has another loose tooth and this time, it's impacting how he eats.  He loses interest because it's uncomfortable for him to bite/chew. :( I was probably like this too but I don't remember.  I can't make pasta every night.  Rice is an option, but only with soft proteins.  And what about vegetables?  

I have issues with my teeth, and gums swelling at times, and I drink yogurt drinks. Also Ensure Plus. Puddings. Mashed potatoes. Refried beans, with something else like rice. Pureed soup, or broth. I feel like I'm forgetting something. green smoothies, if you can get him to try them. They have kid-friendly ones on the internet. I have a book somewhere, by weelicious. 

[Old Lib]

This will be a long one. I posted on here years ago as hoosier80, (sent in request to reset password but it’s not coming through so I needed to post and get opinions). 

Mom passed away earlier this year. Sibling who lived locally withheld information, like it was just their mother, even to the point of not saying she was actively dying, so I got there after she’d passed. Lots of that type of stuff, plus being super hostile at first, saying I hadn’t done anything for her in over 20 years (a blatant lie). 
 

I stayed at her place, for about 3 weeks, extending that stay to clear out her house, plus to see the attorney. It was stressed that it was imperative for me to sign paperwork so sibling was primary rep for the estate; I live out of state, etc. Attorney explained everything, and I said sibling was so stressed wanted to get everything resolved in a couple of months. He literally said no way, and what was sib’s issue? I said very rigid, super high strung. I went back additional times, staying in hotels as the house was becoming vacant. Sib didn’t even come by when I was there, giving the excuse that they worked better alone. I decided if they were that toxic, probably better off if less interaction. And paradoxically, they were very considerate at times, saying oh take this or I saved this for you.

 I told the saga to friends, who said sib was weird or just grieving badly. I was so dependent upon mom towards the latter years; she got jealous and angry if I went out, so I am finding I isolated myself. Working on getting a social life together. Also worked through grief and guilt. Went to grief counseling.

In the midst of this, a cousin reconnected with us when mom was doing ok. We hit it off immediately. Mom was a tad jealous, but I brushed it off. Cousin was a help as mom’s health got worse. They heard her litany of everything that had gone wrong in her life;as they recounted it, I said oh you probably heard about this and that. Cousin was astounded, and I said I heard it 3 to 4 times per week. Plus other instances. They said it was mental abuse; we agreed that mom had her demons, most likely from her childhood. Anyhow, cousin helped when it wasn’t their responsibility. 

We have gotten together since then, and cousin mentioned reaching out to my sibling multiple times, but was basically ghosted. I was invited to their large holiday gathering, reconnecting with other relatives from literally coast to coast. They reached out to me afterwards to connect via sm. Cousin’s partner said as I was leaving, don’t stay away too long. It gave me validation that I am not the devil my own immediate family insinuated I was.

So I get a Christmas card from my sib. Normally, it’s a signature. No note. Oh but this time added that most of the estate was settled except for one or two items. It had been so stressful being the primary rep!!

Should I respond? It’s a guilt trip, most definitely. Woe is me. But this is the person who wanted to handle it all. Didn’t even include me on trip to funeral home, yet texted me with tons of questions. 
 

Options are send a card, signature or a happy holidays generic greeting. Or send card with note saying sorry but I can’t help legally or logistically. Send in prayer request for him to ease the stress (they’ve become super religious). 

I would like to remain at least cordial, doubtful we’ll ever be close.

 

 

 

[Dimity]

10 hours ago, Old Lib said:

I would like to remain at least cordial, doubtful we’ll ever be close.

I would definitely keep the communication lines open but I think you are already doing the right thing.  A simple card with a holiday greeting is enough.  Ordinarily I'd suggest thanking your sibling for their efforts in settling the estate or even just say "I'm sure we're both glad to say good-bye to 2024" but given how controlling they've been probably best to just say happy holidays and let things go.

[Absolom]

They're begging for acknowledgement of all the work they brought on themself.

[Dimity]

40 minutes ago, Absolom said:

They're begging for acknowledgement of all the work they brought on themself.

We had a similar issue when my FIL died.  My husband and his sister were joint executors of his will but she took over completely and then took over a year to settle a very simple estate.   To be fair she did everything by the book and all was distributed evenly, there was never a time when we felt she was trying to take advantage as executor.  She was just such a pain in the ass about everything though and expected credit for (a) doing things that really didn't need doing and (b) doing things my husband was perfectly prepared to do but couldn't because she insisted on doing it herself.

Sigh.  There is something about death and wills and settling estates that can really bring out the worst in people.  If it isn't greed, then that's a good thing, but it always seems to be something!

[PRgal]

I'm partially glad I'm an only child then.  Basically, I'm going to be managing everything and making the decisions.  But that also means it's going to be A LOT of work.  Speaking of family, we're trying to look for organizations to support and my dad continues to veto me.  He's all like "I'm the client and you're the advisor."  Yes, that's my job, but it's also a family decision and I'm allowed input.  

[shapeshifter]

13 hours ago, Old Lib said:

…So I get a Christmas card from my sib. Normally, it’s a signature. No note. Oh but this time added that most of the estate was settled except for one or two items. It had been so stressful being the primary rep!!
Should I respond? It’s a guilt trip, most definitely. Woe is me. But this is the person who wanted to handle it all. Didn’t even include me on trip to funeral home, yet texted me with tons of questions.…

13 hours ago, Old Lib said:

…Options are send a card, signature or a happy holidays generic greeting. Or send card with note saying sorry but I can’t help legally or logistically. Send in prayer request for him to ease the stress (they’ve become super religious). 
I would like to remain at least cordial, doubtful we’ll ever be close.

1 hour ago, Absolom said:

They're begging for acknowledgement of all the work they brought on themself.

@Old Lib, your sister is A Lot like my sister. 
My parents passed in 2015 and 2020 respectively.

I think it's great that you got grief counseling. It's the best counseling there is, IMO, because it's focused.

Since you're asking for opinions, here's mine, but maybe you will do something different. If my suggestions serve to confirm that they are Not what you want to do, that's valid.  

I think sending a card (holiday or other) with a line or 2 would be best, since it won't be construed as a snub, which might just make her want to pursue it more. Probably type it out first and wait a day to read it over. Try to make it sound like something inoffensive enough that you could send it to a grieving coworker. Actually, a formal but compassionate tone is probably what would work best.

BTW, my sister and I talk on the phone about every 2-3 weeks now. 

 

[Cloud9Shopper]

I’ve just kind of accepted that my family does not want to change regarding Christmas. My mom (who has been saying every year she wants to cut back) messaged me again this morning and asked me if there was anything I wanted or needed for my kitchen or house. No one seems to get that after five years now of being on my own, I want to pick my own stuff and I don’t really “need” a whole lot. And if I do, I have a job and the resources to buy what I need. And I guess my dad’s family is hellbent on continuing to have grown adults watch other grown adults open things on Christmas Day, even though you won’t remember or care what your distant relatives got in a week.

It sucks. I find myself comparing my family to other people who write about their families and how they’ve been wiling to go to white elephant exchanges or stop gifting to adults and find themselves less stressed. But my family does not have any interest in changing. So I’ve accepted that I can’t make them, and I will keep doing my thing and buying gift cards and/or food gifts for Christmas to ease my own stress but still make them happy. If they complain then…sorry it’s my money and my decision.

Of course individual days like birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day will be different and I’ll gift accordingly then. 

[Absolom]

I keep trying to make Christmas easier, too.  I have no interest in shopping for my adult children.  They don't need random stuff.  None of them want it either.  Only one of my children has children and that's been the hold up on cutting back. My daughter doesn't want them to have tons of presents without the adults also opening some things.  She thinks they don't need self-centered behavior encouraged and we all understand that. So I began cutting back to one gift item for my kids and then cash most of the time.  This year it's all going to be a "gift card" from mom.  They each have a credit card on one of my accounts and what one child spends for a selected new appliance determines how much the others get to spend or will get sent by Venmo later.  It's going to be a special Christmas price wise so it's going to be an outlier.  

Edited December 13 by Absolom

[PRgal]

I really don't like stuff either.  I told my husband that I didn't really want anything.  Except maybe grocery store gift cards...LOL.  Because we all need to eat, right?  We're spending our money on our son instead.  Found out too late that he wanted a plush Simba and guess what?  Most stores won't deliver before January.  Luckily, we found a place, so Santa is able to bring it!!!  I also found this really cool thing:

https://www.walmart.ca/en/ip/crayola-paint--create-easel-art-case/6000203211298

This is almost the almost EXACT easel Santa got ME when I was my son's age!!!!!!  
 

(yeah, I know...this should be in the holiday thread)

Edited December 13 by PRgal

[Dimity]

We had decided that this was the year we were only going to give presents to the grandchildren and I had asked the kids not to give anything to their Dad or I.  Well, that's not happening.  And it's my fault.  Somehow I just couldn't not buy for my kids and of course if I bought for them I needed to buy for their spouses.  I haven't told them I broke down though as I know they'd want to reciprocate and as others here are posting we really don't need anything. 

I am way more sympathetic now to my own parents who, for years, when asked what they wanted for Christmas would respond "nothing, just to spend time with family".  I finally get it.

[Mrsmaul2021]

I only shopped for my nieces and nephews this year. My family used to have gift exchanges but we haven't had a family Christmas in a minute. People are opting to just stay home. 

[PRgal]

This might be a family feel....I finally worked up the guts to sign up for the donor sibling registry in hopes to connect with my son's genetic relatives.  I also contacted our clinic.  The OG donors wish to remain anonymous but you never know, there could be other recipient families out there.....

[Mindthinkr]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

This might be a family feel....I finally worked up the guts to sign up for the donor sibling registry in hopes to connect with my son's genetic relatives.  I also contacted our clinic.  The OG donors wish to remain anonymous but you never know, there could be other recipient families out there.....

Best wishes with this. Just be careful to moderate your hopes. 

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, PRgal said:

This might be a family feel....I finally worked up the guts to sign up for the donor sibling registry in hopes to connect with my son's genetic relatives.  I also contacted our clinic.  The OG donors wish to remain anonymous but you never know, there could be other recipient families out there.....

My middle daughter is the donor who wishes to remain anonymous and so doesn't want me to do 23 & Me or similar genetic testing that might identify her to the now-adult child. Now I'm also concerned about unforeseen or unpredictable negative consequences, but also FOMO regarding ancestral knowledge for future generations. The inherited health info is similarly potentially positive or negative. So I'm still waiting and thinking. 

[PRgal]

24 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

My middle daughter is the donor who wishes to remain anonymous and so doesn't want me to do 23 & Me or similar genetic testing that might identify her to the now-adult child. Now I'm also concerned about unforeseen or unpredictable negative consequences, but also FOMO regarding ancestral knowledge for future generations. The inherited health info is similarly potentially positive or negative. So I'm still waiting and thinking. 

I had whole genome mapping done through my primary care doctor (this was NOT covered by the Ontario government, so yeah, I had to pay for that).  I'm thinking of getting that done for my son for health-related purposes.  As for finding the original donors, I can see why they may want to remain anonymous from a cultural perspective and this makes things tough because the current philosophy is to be as transparent as you can.  It's also believed that donor conceived people are "traumatized" with not being able to connect with their genetic relatives.  

Edited December 14 by PRgal

[Dimity]

7 minutes ago, PRgal said:

It's also believed that donor conceived people are "traumatized" with not being able to connect with their genetic relatives.  

Ok.  Not exactly the same but when I was growing up adoptions, for the most part, were closed.   I've no doubt it's better to be open but I believe if the bio parents do not want contact that needs to be respected.

[PRgal]

24 minutes ago, Dimity said:

Ok.  Not exactly the same but when I was growing up adoptions, for the most part, were closed.   I've no doubt it's better to be open but I believe if the bio parents do not want contact that needs to be respected.

I suppose genome mapping is an option.  He may be more interested in finding out what conditions he may be at higher risk for.  This is something that can be done down the road.   

[shapeshifter]

7 minutes ago, PRgal said:

It's also believed that donor conceived people are "traumatized" with not being able to connect with their genetic relatives. 

My daughter says she was selected because of her physical resemblance to the parent(s), so she "thinks" the child might not know they aren't her parents. 
I suppose if the parents and their siblings have never share their DNA in a database, and if they never told her, she wouldn't know? Or…?
This seems so out of step with current thinking on the subject, but since it was the eggs, and since they were going for a genetic phenotype, maybe the possibility of future Israeli citizenship was important to them, and they didn't want it to be questioned. But that was 20 years ago. Now genetics would be helpful in that unlikely (from my perspective) situation. IDK.
 

 

30 minutes ago, Dimity said:

if the bio parents do not want contact that needs to be respected.

My son-in-law's grandmother was re-traumatized when the now-middle-aged child from her early teen pregnancy showed up after my son-in-law sent his DNA into Ancestry. 🙁

[PRgal]

In Confucianist cultures, genetic continuation is so important that people faked pregnancies (as I mentioned before).  Since this is really discouraged in adoption and donor conception groups, it's very hard for me to have to explain myself.  I've actually been shamed.  And now they think I'm crazy for thinking about connecting (there may be other donor families who might be interested).  I'm part of that group for support, but I guess I'm not getting any at all.

[shapeshifter]

Regarding the gift-giving discussion upthread, I just finished listening to this podcast: 
The Secret to Gift Giving, by Hidden Brain Staff / December 9, 2024
https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/the-secret-to-gift-giving/

[PRgal]

Little guy likes stretching the truth.  Asked him whether he brushed his teeth tonight and he said yes.  But we knew that he had not.  It took a few minutes but he thought we meant whether he has brushed TODAY.  Are we looking at a future politician?

[SoMuchTV]

5 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Little guy likes stretching the truth.  Asked him whether he brushed his teeth tonight and he said yes.  But we knew that he had not.  It took a few minutes but he thought we meant whether he has brushed TODAY.  Are we looking at a future politician?

Haha, I remember stuff like “I’m not jumping on the couch, I’m hopping on the couch”   BTW, he’s a lawyer now. 

Oh and he has a 7-year-old who is pretty much a mini-me (of him) so am I laughing now? No, of course not!

Edited December 15 by SoMuchTV

[Mindthinkr]

I just got a text from my daughter. She is coming for Christmas dinner at 5pm on the 25th. Actually I’m good with this. They’re going to spend breakfast with their other Grandparents [the Ex’s parents coincidentally who both my kid and I spent Thanksgiving with….(He has insisted on remaining with his mistress who neither his parents or the kids, whom have met her multiple times, wants to spend any holiday with)   So I’m a making a lasagna. My child wanted to know what a to bring so I said garlic bread as it can be as easy or as hard as she’s chooses to make it. First Christmas together in ages (tho we have done Eves) so I’m grateful. 

Edited December 16 by Mindthinkr
Remember I was expecting to spend Turkey Day alone until his Aunt called although my daughter warned me that the call was coming and it would be ok to answer yes.