S28.E02: Week 2

[CheshireCat]

Quote

Joey kicks things off with the first group date, where wedding bells ring and stakes are higher than ever; the first one-on-one date takes love to new heights; Joey discovers which women have the bravery and stamina for lasting partnerships.

Air date: Jan 29, 2024

[Rainsong]

There are cold opens and then there are frigid ones. Joey’s already getting shouted at like an ornery 10 year old who didn’t take out the garbage. The sound of strings. Then a smash. Is it Joey playing tennis? Yes. But before that, the sound of strings then a smash. In this case it’s the ‘danger orchestra’ musical cue that is worn threadbare on the show followed by Sister Lauren wearing her leather couch dress smashing a cake in a fit of pique.

The Bachelor occasionally has some practical use. How? It tells us what the current trend in jeans is – because all the Bachelorettes wear mostly the same shade (faded is back) in the same silhouette (baggy cuffs) except for a couple of daring wearers of cutoffs. Whereas early iterations of The Bachelor aspired to James Bondian glamour and slow-burn lust that was palpable, more recent seasons have the feel of a geeky day camp attended by overgrown teens.

No need for group dates abroad, the women are already jumping on beds. Two of them are on the top bunk, in this case, which must have given the elf-n-safety people the fantods. Those must be some high ceilings too. In a move that should be applauded, booze is being served early in the day. More mimosa, less breakfast mango we say. Maybe it will produce late-night-style drama at high noon.

Jess is allegedly from San Diego but sounds more Big Sandy as in the river Appalachia. For the generations that missed Howdy Doody on TV, you’re seeing how characters with frozen cheeks talk in the form of Lauren & Allison. Howdy Doody was a wooden puppet so at least he had an excuse. The sisters, full of God knows what as filler, do not. Lea is relating her steal-a-date-card story and displaying these oddball nonpareil-looking encrusted nails. It’s a tacky extension (pun intended) of the fake talon and over-the-top manicure trend. Nail art isn’t really art, ladies.

First-day mania has turned into group date mania has turned into try-on-a-wedding-dress mania. Lauren seems hyper-aware of where the cameras are at any given moment. Are they really tipping the racks over in their zeal? The ‘brides’ are getting emotional with the help of more midday champers. Someone remind them it isn’t a real wedding, not least because there are 9 of them. Joey tells them to imagine they’re already married and it’s a group wedding night reception. Sounds a bit like a DVD in the back room of a video store with a similar theme. ‘Let’s get some champagne!’ – someone has a one-track mind.

Daytime, outdoor, sober dancing is a cringe trifecta. For reasons unknown and from sources unknown there are wedding guests. For even more reasons unknown they’re playing 6 year old kids’ party games although year old kids have have enough dignity not to do the Fosbury Flop over a table.

Oh no – someone keep Lauren away from the cakes. They’re either going to hit the flagstones or fly through the air. Possibly both. Things may go from Modern Bride to Marx Brothers quicksmart.

Those of us grinding out the music gigs locally may take some admittedly cruel satisfaction in seeing Grammy award winners doing fake wedding receptions. How do you reckon the phone call went between Michael Bolton and his booking agent? Apparently the deal didn’t include a backing band, merely a backing track, resulting in a form of celebrity karaoke. Jesse Palmer is summoning all his powers of quarterback concentration as he announces the special guest without breaking into laughter. Rachel is cackling with victorious delight at getting a dance and a kiss. Jess declares she was keeping her eyes RAAAT OVER HERE!

Uh-oh. Is Joey recycling Zach’s earth-tone wardrobe? More sport coats and sweaters? Is this 1974 or 2024? Is Joey looking for a wife or solving a murder case? Maria is still wearing white - in this case a little cocktail number and it seems US Customs may have seized all her bras as contraband. ‘Maria just has something about her that gets me excited,’ says Joey. Theory: maybe the something is the cleavage. The slim Maria claims her corset is cutting off her oxygen. How much skimpier can the outfit get? We soon find out it’s a black lace number. Well, at least there’s a bra involved now. The wardrobe change probably wasn’t necessary but it sealed the deal. It certainly set the cat amongst the pigeons in the waiting area. Jess is playing the Trust Issues[TM] card. Infidelity. Oh dear. ‘On his part?’ asks Inspector Joey. No, on her part, you numpty.

In other musical news, Lauren’s alto range is quickly becoming a baritone – much lower than tenor Joey. If we didn’t know better we might think Lauren has had a Marlboro or two in her life (even if she is a nurse). Against some long odds and short skirts, Jess gets a group date rose.

Back at the ranch, Daisy with the cochlear implant is having trouble hearing the date card’s contents while the others scream. It sounds as if the date will have a musical element so that could be an unintentionally tricky one.

An aerial view of the Bachelor Manshun reveals just how many tents are pitched on the grounds for TV production purposes. Jokes aside, a cochlear implant means the brain must ‘learn’ what certain sounds are. Obviously voices are the priority in regaining a sense of hearing and the ability to communicate. It is said that music is often a bridge too far for implant users because it involves multiple simultaneous instruments, frequencies, rhythms etc. The user knows it’s music but doesn’t hear melody or harmony the way we do.

Joey is enthralled with Daisy’s Polly Purebred image but the implant issue still lingers until dinner. Mutual body language of attraction isn’t a problem at least. Dinner can wait since Joey’s eating out of her hand.

Jubilee we sort of remember. Mostly the name. Demi we certainly remember from her high-decibel nasal honk to her champagne cork-popping that became an internet meme to her, ahem, relationship with another Bachelorette. The combat camo is appropriate for the paintball date and also because apparently our girl has been waging a social media war against the one and only Reality Steve.

Edwina’s background is unique to say the least as are the familial pressures she’s placed under. It seems surprising they would let her try this particular method of finding a mate.

Lexi is mostly squandering her time and her MFA by producing a kindergartener’s water color. Canada has a long history of scrappy, scrawny types dropping the gloves for a punch-up so don’t get on Maria’s bad side! To be fair we must agree with Maria that this ginned-up drama about age is ‘so dumb.’ Suddenly we’re envious of Daisy who could switch her implant off to mute this silly debate.

Back to Lauren In Leather who’s heading home and back to work and God help the patient who gets the next needle stick from her. Sister Allison is going to focus on her relationship with Joey, prompting the immediate and obvious question ‘What relationship?’

Salsa Girl barely got a look-in and uttered no lines on camera that we can recall after her intro video. The other dismissals were even more anonymous as it seems production is tipping its hand on who the contenders are.

Edited February 5 by Rainsong

[Quickbeam]

I am a nurse so I tend to laser focus on the medical. Daisy was sick but only Germany could help her. That just pinged odd to me. 

[dizzyd]

Probably more I would have said if we were posting live and this website got its shit together but at least it’s back up for week 3 and not as egregious as the Survivor finale outage. “We are on a break” makes this 2 weeks in a row we had a Friends reference after Chandler’s out of the limo line to Joey that clearly put her in the Friend zone and led to her elimination on night 1.

There was a weird cold open again with this episode and I thought Lauren was going to be this season’s designated poorly scripted bitch but she couldn’t make it more than 1 week and thankfully imo self-eliminated in dramatic style that should easily earn her and her sister (who I don’t expect to win) a trip to Paradise beach. Jess is so fake and annoying and Ugh that she got the date rose for her sob story so she can continue to annoy me. Daisy is pretty and sweet and has F1 potential. I liked having 3 dates this episode although I could have done without Demi.
 

On an average, I’d say the lead snogs about 7 contestants over the course of the season. Seeing as Joey already broke that record on night 1 and matched it in episode 2, looks like he’s going to make out with at least 20 different women this season. Seems like his philosophy is to kiss as many frogs as possible in his quest to find his princess but methinks this doesn’t bode well for a strong sincere monogamous relationship in the future and makes the kisses seem as meaningless as throwing out the L word loosely or as many times as it may be used in a tennis match. Despite that, he has been pleasing for me to watch so far, his pretty eyes and calm but adequately fun demeanor seem to have some sort of hypnotic effect on me, shame on me. See y’all in a couple hours for week 3.

[DEL901]

That whole brouhaha with Maria and what’s her name.  I agree Maria wasn’t being malicious and d maybe meant to be support, it read the darned room.  Once it was clear feeling were hurt…apologize!

[call me ishmael]

32 minutes ago, DEL901 said:

That whole brouhaha with Maria and what’s her name.  I agree Maria wasn’t being malicious and d maybe meant to be support, it read the darned room.  Once it was clear feeling were hurt…apologize!

But if she apologized how would there be drama????? 

I think that all of these contestants think that if you apologize to anyone but the lead it will be used against you as proof that you are a horrible person.  

[JenE4]

I think I only remember like 2 things from last week. But thankfully I found some clips to refresh our memories.

That one girl absolutely launched herself over the table in an attempt to win musical chairs—and still got disqualified.

 

And the illegitimate Kardashian sister having a full-on temper tantrum sending herself home before … Justin? Jason? What’s this guy’s name again?? … could send her home. And attacked a non-red velvet cake in the process. 
 

 

[Stats Queen]

The Golden Bachelor contestants are such a welcome group, unlike Demi from last week. 
I want my Bachelor franchise shows to be Demi free.

[Lamb18]

I didn't even notice Demi last week.

[Scout Finch]

Damn it, I had just finally figured out who Lauren reminded me of and then she left: a cross between Mia Sara and Adelaide Kane.

[Aim123]

Whoops, wrong thread!

Edited February 7 by Aim123
wrong thread whoops!