Wiendish Fitch

Yet another reason why I haven't kept up with The Simpsons since the early 2000's. Like many people, I fucking loathe the sixth season of Buffy, but one episode that really, really got under my skin was "Life Serial". That's when the three nerds that Buffy inexplicably cannot defeat (in spite of Joss Whedon being a feminist) decide to screw around the newly resurrected Buffy by messing with the space time continuum (or some such thing). That means Buffy randomly loses several minutes at a time, or will go through endless loops of the same routine (the candle-selling scene at the magic shop). Now, the episode is framed as a comedy, but I didn't laugh. Not once. It could be argued that is probably a failing on my part, that I don't have enough of a sense of humor or I'm too soft-hearted, but I don't enjoy seeing good characters go through torturous humiliation they don't deserve (this is why I never liked Meet the Parents). I didn't enjoy seeing Buffy, who was yanked from Heaven by her dumbass friends and is still stuck with fucking Dawn as a sister, be put through mental torment by three weaselly losers that, again, she is unable to defeat despite the fact that she's the fucking Slayer!! If anything, I felt like I had Genovese syndrome, just sitting idly by while poor Buffy nearly loses her mind. Is it any wonder why I'm not the biggest Whedon fan?

I love How to Train Your Dragon, but does it speak badly of me as a feminist that I think Hiccup is way too good for Astrid?

My UO is that I don't like biopics about criminals, because they are slanted to manipulate us into feeling sympathy for utterly horrid people. I watched Birdman of Alcatraz, and I thought it was one of Burt Lancaster's finest acting jobs, and it had such an inspirational story… until I read up on the real person. Turns out, he was a murderous, violent sociopath and that the movie took unbelievable liberties with the story of his life and career. As a result, I refuse to watch similar films, such as I Want to Live!, Dead Man Walking, and Monster.

I also love Mark Ruffalo. Dude is just so… cuddly!

Glad other people dislike The Breakfast Club. I hated every last one of those self-absorbed, mealy-mouthed, navel-gazing whiners; yes, even Ally Sheedy. I prefer the original, 1950 Father of the Bride over the better-known 1991 version. Spencer Tracy will always, always, always have it over Steve Martin, IMO. Not only do I prefer Tangled over Frozen, but Tangled was also my favorite animated movie of 2010. Sorry, Toy Story 3. I'm a feminist, but The Women (the 1939 one, not the 2008 remake) doesn't bother me. In spite of Lucille Watson's questionable advice ("Don't confide in your girlfriends!"), I don't think it paints all friendships between women as inherently bad. Mary dumped one mean friend (Sylvia), but held on to her nicer pals, which is what you should do. Yeah, I'm not crazy about how she goes back to her lousy husband at the end, but what movie is perfect, right?

I hate Family Guy and anything by Seth McFarlane. He overdoes the scatological humor, and he has abolutely no concept of comedic timing or rhythm. He also strikes me as the type to laugh at or defend his own jokes. South Park hasn't been tolerable since 2002 or 2003. It has looooooooooooong worn out its welcome. This goes triple for The Simpsons. A part of me will always lament the cancellation of The Critic. I actually like Kathy Griffin. She's a one-trick pony to be sure, but at least she owns it and I find her amusing. I like Joel and Mike equally on MST3K.

Jennifer was okay, but I preferred Bailey. Cute, gawky, interesting character development, that's my idea of a good character. And if I can be shallow for a minute, I think Jan Smithers was way prettier than Loni Anderson.

Boy Meets World was, at best, a blandly pleasant, middle-of-the-road sitcom that doesn't warrant its legendary status. Really, only the first season was good, because Cory was allowed to be smart, Shawn wasn't a creepy, codependent woobie, Eric acted like a normal human being, and Topanga got to be as weird as her name.

Don't feel guilty, you were young and couldn't have known. I thought Blackfish was an exquisitely made documentary, it could rival the work of Errol Morris. It was thoughtful, straightforward, and I never felt it was sensationalistic (which is why Michael Moore's movies rub me the wrong way). I'm not really an animal rights activist, but I am against the wasteful, impractical, and ultimately cruel imprisonment of animals for entertainment (I've come to hate circuses and zoos for the same reason). The worst part? It's been proven that killer whales can live up to 100 years or more… living in the wild. But imprisoned, their life span is reduced to 35 years. I did feel terrible for those poor whales, and those poor trainers. They were essentially decent people, and didn't deserve to die the way they did. Sea World should be held accountable, and hopefully the captivity of killer whales can end. Fair enough, but at least he feels some remorse, which is more than you can say for the suits at Sea World.

Shadowlands: C.S. Lewis mourning the loss of his wife, Joy. It kills me just thinking about it. The final scene in A Patch of Blue: A little context for those who haven't seen it, it's about a blind girl named Selina (Elizabeth Hartman, who had a sad life story of her own), who befriends a black man named Gordon (Sidney Poitier), who is probably the only person alive who treats her with anything resembling respect. Gordon, knowing that even being friends with Selina is taboo (the movie takes place, and was released, in 1965), and doesn't tell her he's black. Gordon is able to enroll Selina in a school for the blind to help her escape her abusive mother (Shelley Winters). I kid you not, I was a wreck. My day was ruined. But it is probably Sidney Poitier's finest acting, and A Patch of Blue is my all-time favorite score by Jerry Goldsmith. Charlotte's Web: Dammit, don't make me tell you why! And the 2006 version can take a long dive in a shallow lake; Debbie Reynolds was, is, and always will be Charlotte! The ending of Random Harvest gets me every time. No kidding, every. Single. Time.

I don't like Dick Van Dyke. I don't like actors who rely heavily on mugging. He never amused me, and his sitcom was nothing special to me. Likewise, I never got the appeal of The Andy Griffith Show. I think I'd want to slash my wrists, living in a town as dull as Mayberry, and I always thought there was something shifty and creepy about Andy Taylor. He crossed that line between excessively nice to suspiciously nice. It made me wonder what his secret was to keeping Mayberry crime-free. I liked Newhart, and Joanna Louden didn't bother me (RIP, Mary Frann). Sure, she wasn't as awesome as Emily Hartley (RIP, Suzanne Pleshette), but then, who is? I'm a freak of nature… I liked Ezri Dax.

Ok, I'm allowing myself another Buffy UO: Word on Faith. She was a backstabbing, murderous ingrate, and I have no love for her whatsoever. I felt the same way about Terra from Teen Titans. True, she wasn't as evil as her comic book counterpart, but she was still a traitorous little skank, and I hated that she was framed as a tragic hero.

I could piss and moan about the issues I had with Buffy the Vampire Slayer until I'm purple in the face, but I'll just allow myself one UO for today: Giles was wrong to leave Buffy in Season 6. Buffy was an emotional mess after being, you know, resurrected from the dead (and from Heaven, no less), and she could have used a stable confidante. Instead, Giles was like, "Suck it up, Buffy, if we have to live in this shitsack world, then so do you", and leaves her. Fuck you, buddy. The one time Buffy needs you more than ever, you ditch her and have the audacity to put a noble spin on it.

I still maintain the UO that Robbie from The Wedding Singer is the poster boy for Nice Guy Syndrome, and that Julia will be absolutely miserable with him.

Agreed, it was Kool-Aid red.

I've learned to like Seth Rogen okay, but Jonah Hill's appeal will always elude me. Plus, he has two Oscar nominations, and Michael Fassbender has one. The hell, I say. I didn't like the much-loved The Quiet Man, because it had incredibly warped values regarding violence, principles, and individuality. If you want to see a great-looking movie with similar themes and with its head screwed on straight, I recommend The Big Country. Our hero sticks to his principles, lets no one bully him into changing his mind, and knows how to treat the women in his life. Ella Enchanted wasn't that bad. It's goofy and cheesy, but not awful. Though I object to the villain's snake sidekick being named "Heston". What are you trying to say, movie? I thought Midge was a million times more appealing than Madeleine in Vertigo. Plus, I never found Kim Novak attractive or even that interesting (I was rooting for Rita Hayworth in Pal Joey).

I preferred the Eleventh Doctor to the Tenth. Yeah, the Tennant episodes were consistently better, but the Tenth Doctor was a sanctimonious asshat, and I never, ever forgave him for what he did to Harriet Jones. It raised my hackles that they swept that under the rug.

I used to love Veronica Mars, but ever since seeing the movie, I finally see her for what she really is: a paper tiger who doesn't know her own mind any better than a classic Disney Princess. She also has fucked-up priorities and standards, and forgives people she ought to hate, and despises people who aren't worth her trouble. For instance, why is she now BFFs with attempted rapist Dick Casablancas, the man who flopped her unconscious body around and who instructed his little brother to have sex with, but Madison Sinclair, whose worst offense is defacing Veronica's car (by the way, didn't everyone's favorite Woobie Logan try to smash Veronica's car to oblivion?). I just want to smack her. Mac and Wallace are way too good for her. I also hate Dick Casablancas, because he's a smarmy, self-indulgent attempted rapist. Rob Thomas wants us to love him, but I refuse.

I think Picard has it all over Kirk! Let the tomato hurling commence!!

Whoops, my bad. Still, I stand by my opinion, because Veronica has certainly known Piz for ten years, and she must have had at least an inkling that he wasn't really the one for her, that he was strictly "just friends" material. Veronica is not some inexperienced naif, she's old enough to know her own mind. And it doesn't say very much about her character that she was only dating nice but boring Piz and pursuing a career she actually didn't want just because it was societally acceptable. Um, I thought Veronica was supposed to be "screw what everyone thinks of me" tough chick? I think this just proves my theory of what a paper tiger she really is. Rob Thomas is a fuckwit for dropping the FBI storyline, because it was perfect for Veronica: lucrative job doing what she loves in a new setting… oh, but that would be-gasp! Character development! And altering the status quo! And we wouldn't want that, would we?!

Amen. And can I add Dick Casablancas to your list? I have the UO that Dick was never, ever the "lovable rogue" the show framed him as, but a sick, bullying, perverted, hedonistic, attempted rapist. Yet who was the top villain in Rob Thomas's eyes? Who was number one on Veronica's shit list? Who were we supposed to hate the most? Madison Sinclair. Yes, Madison was a hateful brat, and she did hand Veronica the drink spiked with a roofie… but need I remind everyone that Dick was the one who spiked the drink, and Madison had no idea?! All she did was spit in it! She didn't even know after the fact! Dick spiked the drink, and when he found poor, drugged and passed-out Veronica, what did he do? He picked up her limp body, plopped her on a bed, manhandled her with everyone's favorite woobie Logan, and then told Cassidy to have his way with her!! Veronica knew this happened, but who does she forgive? Dick! Who does she bear a grudge against? Madison! What the hell kind of sense does that make? Madison is Melanie Hamilton compared to Dick! After seeing the utterly horrible Veronica Mars movie (but that's another UO altogether), I retroactively hate Veronica, because I finally see her for what she really is: a paper tiger with no self-awareness, as male-dependent as a Classic Disney Princess (seriously, why else would she moon over Duncan, then Logan, and date Piz for ten fucking years?), and fucked-up standards regarding who deserves sympathy, understanding, or forgiveness. Fuck you, Veronica, and I hope you're more miserable in Neptune than George Bailey was in Bedford Falls. You deserve nothing less.

Thank you. I wish more comedic performances were acknowledged by the Academy. Truly great comedy is much harder than great drama, IMO.

Thanks for backing me up, Mulva. I adored Donna, she's one of my favorite companions, and she at least contributed something. Same goes for Rose, Martha, and even the sometimes controversial Clara. What the fuck did Amy ever do? Steven Moffat writes decent stories, but 99% of the time he cannot write women to save his soul. I also wanted to state my eternal loathing of Don Draper. A lying, gaslighting, whoring, boozing, dull as sand, not even all that good looking waste of a human being. I'm a straight, red-blooded woman, and I would never give Don the time of day if he were a real person. A humorless lump with no interests and who can't even make interesting conversation? I'll pass, thanks.

The opening scene of The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (spoiler marked for the faint of heart): Blackfish (again, spoiler marked for the faint of heart): To the folks at Sea World, all I can say is: You people are sick!!! Alan Rickman's naked ass in Gambit. Don't get me wrong, I adore Alan Rickman, but not like that! The iconic eye-slicing scene in Un Chien Andalou. Makes me shudder just thinking about it.

"Dead Man's Party" - Oingo Boingo "Keep on Running" - Journey "Real in Rio" from Rio "You Should Be Dancing" - the Bee Gees "Music" - Madonna "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" - the Andrews Sisters "It's Just Begun" - the Jimmy Castor Bunch "Got to Give it Up" - Marvin Gaye (I liked this song long before "Blurred Lines", thank you very much) "Electric Lady" - Janelle Monae "Uprising" - Muse "The Stripper" - David Rose Orchestra (What?! What better song is there to motivate you to get in shape?!) "Cool" from West Side Story