Wiendish Fitch

I don't blame you, I adore Claude Rains, too. Scarily talented, immensely charming, and he had those nice, dark eyes, too. Another Classic Hollywood crush of mine is Ronald Colman. Those gorgeous, heart-melting brown eyes, those gray temples that would make other men just look old, but he rocked the hell out of them, that velvety voice… so dreamy.

Praise be, I thought I was the only one! Ramona was duller than tombs. I was once griping about this to some random guy, and he said he liked Ramona. I said, "Don't you find her boring?" His response? "Yeah, but she's so hot!" Huh. Basically the screenwriters' thoughts in a nutshell. I preferred Kim and Knives, at least they had personalities. Speaking of textbook Sexy Lamps (link is for those who don't know what I'm talking about), I desperately wish the character Sandra in Big Fish had been at least a touch more interesting. Instead, she has no agency, no identity outside of being Edward's Love Interest, and the personality of a tablecloth. And Will was trying to find out the truth about his father's life, but wasn't getting it from Edward… why didn't Sandra fill him in?! She's Will's mother, for crap's sake!! Why didn't she sit him down and tell him the truth, rather than beam approvingly at all Edward's bullshit?

Random UOs: I'm sick of Jon Snow. He bores me. I also had no sympathy or love for Ygritte (though I do like Rose Leslie). Henry Francis is the only man on Mad Men who doesn't nauseate me. I will always think Amy Pond was one of the worst companions on Doctor Who. Since when is "waiting" an act of heroism? Likewise, I think Clara is just fine and dandy. I never got the appeal of Samurai Jack, and never thought the animation was anything to write home about. Shirley MacClaine's appearance on Downton Abbey was a huge letdown. Her character was uninteresting and did absolutely nothing for me. Emily and Julie were both head and shoulders above Rachel on Friends.

I love The Avengers, but never got what was so wonderful about Agent Coulson. He was just… there, to me.

Me, too, but I think his beard has grown inward and has infected his brain.

It's such a cliche now, but, oh, those glittering vampires in the Twilight movies. The fact that they sparkle is bad enough, but, if you listen closely, it even makes that cartoonish, sparkly fairy dust "ding-a-ling-ling" sound. James Franco's acting in Spider-Man 2, especially the scene where, trying to sound outraged, he snarls, "I'm RUINED! It's all because of SPIDER-MAN!" Holy crap, he sounded like every single Kirk Douglas impersonator who ever existed, and it cracked my shit up.

I love Johnny Depp's early performances (Edward Scissorhands, Benny & Joon, and especially Ed Wood), but I think Pirates of the Caribbean ruined him, because he now plays every character like friggin' Jack Sparrow. Now every time I see Johnny Depp's name on the marquee, all I can think is, "Great, another mince-fest". I also don't like Natalie Portman, or, as I like to call her, the Beige Fart. I've seen ballpoint pens with more emotional range. Hers is as follows: 1. Bland, stony expressionlessness. Noticeable in The Phantom Menace, but even worse in Where the Heart Is. There's a scene in the latter film where she sees a tornado coming. A tornado. Now, I can only speak for myself, but if I opened my front door and saw a tornado coming, I'd gasp, cry out in shock, my eyes would widen, or I'd bolt in terror. I sure as hell wouldn't stand there in Dull Surprise mode staring at it. It's a tornado, idiot, do something!! 2. The "kicked-puppy". Or, scrunching up her face and whimpering rhythmically. See… every other film with Natalie Portman. 3. The kind of smile my infant niece got whenever she shat herself. I'm one of the few people on earth who didn't like Black Swan (how is it that I've never had a ballet lesson in my life, and yet I know more about the ballet world than this movie?). It chaps my ass that Jennifer Lawrence's Oscar for Winter's Bone is in Portman's possession. Portman, who won for whimpering, cringing, and not doing her own dancing for 108 minutes (I don't care how whiny she came off, Sarah Lane's outrage was justified, IMO).

Not only do I hate the much lauded Firefly, but I've developed a deep-seated loathing of Mal Reynolds. I never for a second believed he was a "sexy, romantic badass". I thought he was a mean-spirited, monosyllabic, bullying misogynist. While I wasn't wild about milquetoast Simon either, I never liked how Mal pushed him around (too bad Dorothy Gale wasn't there to smack Mal on the nose and scold him for picking on people weaker than he is), and his treatment of Inara was unforgivable. Calling her a "whore", invading her space, "Nice-guying" her at every turn… um, how romantic? My idea of a sexy badass IN SPAAAAAAACE (sorry, couldn't help myself)? Marcus Cole from Babylon 5. Brave, wise, well-read (I'm a weakling for men who read for pleasure), idealistic but also pragmatic (remember his "life shouldn't be fair" speech?), and best of all? He knew how to treat a lady. He was unfailingly charming and good to Ivanova, even if she did resist his advances at first, and then there's That Episode… I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't watched the show, but I will say this much: Marcus could wipe the floor a dozen times over with a loser like Mal.

Hell yeah. No offense to Alfie Allen (who's a good actor), but I am so sick of Theon "Reek" Greyjoy I could scream. I feel as though the writers are trying to frame him as sympathetic. Um, no. Not happening. Theon is a traitorous, backstabbing, opportunistic, short-sighted human insect I hate how they've swept that particular sin under the rug (come to think of it, the GoT writers have doing that a lot lately; ) I don't care how sick and twisted Ramsay is, I don't care how horrific the torture is, I don't care how much he's destroyed Theon's sanity, that doesn't excuse Theon's past deeds!! I am never, ever going to sympathize with that vile little worm, not now, not ever!

Hey, I won't judge you, I'm on the wrong side of 30, and I still think that scene is disturbing! The Coachman is one of the most terrifying villains Disney ever created (remember his red, demonic face when he was explaining his plan?), and scariest of all? Still love Pinocchio, though.

I find that there's something so oddly attractive and wonderful about Aidan Quinn. He's never had that "it" factor to become a major star, but there's such an air of everyday masculinity and reliability I think is immensely appealing. Plus, those gorgeous baby blues don't hurt, either. I watched Benny and Joon, and as pretty as Johnny Depp was, I couldn't tear my eyes from Quinn.

I would have liked Stripes so much better if it had just ended with the drill routine. The final act is just a mess, IMO.

See, now that I'll have to disagree, because I recently re-watched The Naked Gun, and I handled the O.J. scenes by pretending all the cartoonishly violent stuff happening to him was actually happening to him. Think of it as karma in advance. >:)

I didn't like this movie, and the ending annoyed me, because the implication was that "eeeewww, his little sister is going to ruin his Lego fun with her yucky old girl cooties!" Um, should we really have that attitude in 2014? Girls play with Legos, too, you know! And the nauseatingly trite "everybody's special" moral only revitalized my love of The Incredibles and this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1E9pKU_N15A&list=LLY7KT4tovOXo-Q_GNCkkWXA&index=2

That's perfectly fine. I absolutely refuse to watch any of Roman Polanski's films. I never, ever will. I don't care if his victim forgave him, that doesn't mean I have to. Likewise, I'll never be able to watch Triumph of the Will, because of its destructive legacy. I get angry when Leni Riefenstahl is hailed as an important feminist icon, but Mary Pickford, who was the first woman in Hollywood to become a millionaire, was one of the first women to produce films, and who helped found AMPAS, doesn't get so much as a peep. For me, time is a big factor in this issue. I've read about the sickening things Errol Flynn did in his private life… but the thing is, he's been dead for 55 years. I can't make him answer for his crimes, nobody can, it's too late. He's dead. Therefore, I can still watch The Adventures of Robin Hood and Captain Blood with a (reasonably) clean conscience. So 50 years from now? Maybe I'll give Polanski's films a chance… but I doubt it.

I really like Cumberbatch as an actor, but I admit I do not find him attractive. Dude looks like Voldemort to me. I also cannot get the appeal of Jennifer Aniston. She's not that pretty, not that talented, has the charisma of sand, what am I missing?

It's fairly mild in comparison to all others mentioned, but it's still pretty disturbing if you think about it too long: In The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, our titular character, a pretentious, inappropriate, dictator-worshipping "zany free spirit", is indoctrinating a new generation of young classmates to her line of thinking. In the beginning of the movie, before we knew more about Brodie, it was kind of charming, but now that we see what kind of monster she really is, hearing those little girls robotically say, one by one, "Yes, Miss Brodie", is rather chilling. I mean, that's not the behavior of a class, it's the behavior of a cult.

I like the remake better because our heroine doesn't use the term "retard" to describe her special education classmates. Oh, you'll stand up for one group that's disenfranchised, but not another? Up yours, Tracy!

Yet another reason why I haven't kept up with The Simpsons since the early 2000's. Like many people, I fucking loathe the sixth season of Buffy, but one episode that really, really got under my skin was "Life Serial". That's when the three nerds that Buffy inexplicably cannot defeat (in spite of Joss Whedon being a feminist) decide to screw around the newly resurrected Buffy by messing with the space time continuum (or some such thing). That means Buffy randomly loses several minutes at a time, or will go through endless loops of the same routine (the candle-selling scene at the magic shop). Now, the episode is framed as a comedy, but I didn't laugh. Not once. It could be argued that is probably a failing on my part, that I don't have enough of a sense of humor or I'm too soft-hearted, but I don't enjoy seeing good characters go through torturous humiliation they don't deserve (this is why I never liked Meet the Parents). I didn't enjoy seeing Buffy, who was yanked from Heaven by her dumbass friends and is still stuck with fucking Dawn as a sister, be put through mental torment by three weaselly losers that, again, she is unable to defeat despite the fact that she's the fucking Slayer!! If anything, I felt like I had Genovese syndrome, just sitting idly by while poor Buffy nearly loses her mind. Is it any wonder why I'm not the biggest Whedon fan?

I love How to Train Your Dragon, but does it speak badly of me as a feminist that I think Hiccup is way too good for Astrid?

My UO is that I don't like biopics about criminals, because they are slanted to manipulate us into feeling sympathy for utterly horrid people. I watched Birdman of Alcatraz, and I thought it was one of Burt Lancaster's finest acting jobs, and it had such an inspirational story… until I read up on the real person. Turns out, he was a murderous, violent sociopath and that the movie took unbelievable liberties with the story of his life and career. As a result, I refuse to watch similar films, such as I Want to Live!, Dead Man Walking, and Monster.

I also love Mark Ruffalo. Dude is just so… cuddly!

Glad other people dislike The Breakfast Club. I hated every last one of those self-absorbed, mealy-mouthed, navel-gazing whiners; yes, even Ally Sheedy. I prefer the original, 1950 Father of the Bride over the better-known 1991 version. Spencer Tracy will always, always, always have it over Steve Martin, IMO. Not only do I prefer Tangled over Frozen, but Tangled was also my favorite animated movie of 2010. Sorry, Toy Story 3. I'm a feminist, but The Women (the 1939 one, not the 2008 remake) doesn't bother me. In spite of Lucille Watson's questionable advice ("Don't confide in your girlfriends!"), I don't think it paints all friendships between women as inherently bad. Mary dumped one mean friend (Sylvia), but held on to her nicer pals, which is what you should do. Yeah, I'm not crazy about how she goes back to her lousy husband at the end, but what movie is perfect, right?

I hate Family Guy and anything by Seth McFarlane. He overdoes the scatological humor, and he has abolutely no concept of comedic timing or rhythm. He also strikes me as the type to laugh at or defend his own jokes. South Park hasn't been tolerable since 2002 or 2003. It has looooooooooooong worn out its welcome. This goes triple for The Simpsons. A part of me will always lament the cancellation of The Critic. I actually like Kathy Griffin. She's a one-trick pony to be sure, but at least she owns it and I find her amusing. I like Joel and Mike equally on MST3K.

Jennifer was okay, but I preferred Bailey. Cute, gawky, interesting character development, that's my idea of a good character. And if I can be shallow for a minute, I think Jan Smithers was way prettier than Loni Anderson.