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Oh. My. God. This show. Kody narrates: "It stopped raining." Cut to the moving van pulling up to Meri's garage and, indeed, it is not raining, as we see for ourselves. IN fact, it had already been established that unloading at Meri's was the plan b/c they could do it whether it was raining or not. And yet this show has so little content, they include Kodouche saying, "It stopped raining." And Christine will praise that man for breathing. Jumping into the manure stew with the kids was a great dad moment? Did he pay any attention to the kids or just to the cameras? And then they show "this season on . . ." And I know I'll be here for it all. Stupid Kodouche

Yeah, but buying houses and fighting the exact same fights with the same significant other isn't so thrilling. Maybe our regular cast needs the goad the newbies will give them. ETA: Imagine how paranoid they'll make Jax! I love them already.

The Vanderpump return is like water a pumptini to a desperate wanderer in the desert.

The only person in this world who can make me take Yandy's side is god damn Chrissy. I've already exhausted all of my interest in Erica. The only way she can become interesting to me is by getting back together with Cyn. That would crack me up, watching the rest of them react. Zaldamo Wilder, as a long-time lurker, it's good to see your comments!

Emily told us last season why Shane's family, specifically Parri, means so much to her. She said without her, God forbid, she'd be, "driving a Honda and living on 50K a year." It's not about family. Emily is no better than the rest of these slime balls. Her bad marriage & Gina's abusive friendship make her seem sympathetic but she's an asshole in her own right. That's actually what I love about the Housewives of whatever place. I get to disdain all sides in just about every argument.

i'm torn on Stephanie. Obviously, she's the best human in the group, no question. But when she says she's sparkly b/c no one would be her friend otherwise, I can only think, then stop hanging around with vapid high society Dallas. But then I think maybe she feels trapped in that life? She needs more than some bs life coach. Carey actually demonstrated to them what skipping a step on the stairs looked like. Oh, D'Andra. "This is why Jeremy likes me!" That & the spanx rollover are gonna give me evil pleasure for a long time. As someone above said, Countess Luann in the bushes she is not.

Content warning: sexual assault & defense of Leanne Ok, Leanne-like, I'm going to overshare. She & I share a lot of the same history (minus the carnie stuff). I was in a group of women once when one, with whom I had history (we were friendly but she was often passive aggressive) would not stop questioning me about why talking about 9/11 was so upsetting for me (this was years ago). She was relentless, wouldn't move on. (Here comes the overshare, my apologies.) And finally I was so empty of any other words/feelings/reactions that all I could do was look at her & say, pretty angrily, "because my father raped me every chance he got when I was a kid so I know the looks that were on the highjackers' faces. I know what it looks like when someone is up close to you & wants to destroy you." That kinda took the air out of the room & I apologized the next time I saw her & I certainly wouldn't have gone on as Leanne did ("probably do it tonight if I got the chance" -- well, okay, Leanne, there's a glass, have at it, showboat). But for the first part of her speech, I totally got where she was coming from. Let's keep this secret between us, ok? It's something I'm pretty ashamed of. Not the rapes. That's his shame. I'm so horribly ashamed I just stuck up for Leanne.

I don't know why everyone's snarking on Kelly's water. She said it's vegan! Aren't you tired of picking meat out of your teeth every time you take a sip of bottled water? As for Gina & Uber, of course it's too expensive (sob) to take her kids to the beach. It's only for absolute Maslow's hierarchy of needs things like Botox and electro-workouts.

I translated the twin fight thusly: Stacey: Gee, sure is nice to be ENGAGED. Darcy: It's a blessing & who cares cos I never wanted to get married anyway and you stink. Stacey: Doesn't look like Tom's as into you as my FIANCÉ is into me Darcy: Good. I don't care cos I wanted to take it slow because I hate you (tears)

If Baba Akyini is an anticolonialist then Akyini's friend saying she's always been into white guys takes on a new importance. And Akyini seemed gobsmacked at the idea of being a stepmom to Ben's son. Maybe she didn't think this through past, piss off & escape from dad but still be a beloved daughter a continent away. It could be that there aren't nefarious intentions on anyone's part, just crashing naïveté on Ben's & her side & years of family tension on the other that they're taking out on both of them without explaining it to Ben.

Poor jet lagged Tom having to wait on the sidewalk while Darcy changed her shoes & then dragged him to a restaurant instead of letting him relax at the hotel. Oh, wait. Isn't this the same Tom who didn't meet Darcy at the airport after a transatlantic flight (talk about jet lag, ya baby) because he expected her to get herself prettified before they met -- at a restaurant? Cry me a river, fuckface. Especially since you have me defending Darcy. How does she always find men that are worse than she is? He needs to work on himself, babe. And, hey, Rebecca, nice manners, looming almost wordlessly over someone you've just met, not offering to help, watching them cook a complicated meal for you. Then complain in the voiceover that Zied left you alone. So go help him set the table, you lazy, looming ass! Angela belongs in a zoo.

Oh, Stephanie, Travis looking so happy & relaxed while your face looks strained, the repeated over-the-top talking-head assurances that things are great, the recreational manscaping. Are we really supposed to pretend we don't know how this ends? Throw in the vow renewal & just move Travis into the casita already. Cos Steph deserves the house & Travis deserves the casita only on his way to an unfurnished squat a la OC's Gina (I know he's the one with money, but I can dream)

Leanne: You said my fiancé was cheating on me D'Andra: I was repeating rumors. Does D'Andra have to pay Vicki Gunvalson royalties for that evasion? They better not be more than $200.

Nah, he's got the foolproof ultrasound test: If the baby has elvish ears in the ultrasound it's a 100% match. Then when the baby is 18 they must set out to protect the one true ring. It's science!

C'mon, where is everyone? This is just wonderful. The dancers are compelling and the inspirational ex-dancer who's supposed to life-coach them off the pole is, well, it's TLC, so in the tradition of Love After Lock-Up & Unexpected, you can imagine the wonder that is Stormy Wellington; I won't spoil it for you cos she's a revelation each time she's on screen. Bonus appearance in episode 1 by Love & Hip Hop Atlanta's Joc in which he treats strippers with respect and dignity -- hah! Kidding, of course! He treats them like livestock. Another of Carly Red's exes shows up in Episode 3, pretending to be a humanitarian when he's really just setting up a side piece thanks to the show's pimping. So, yeah, it's depressing, but a lot of it feels real so you root for the dancers (poor Laina) and Stormy is scary-crazy so that's hilarious as long as she doesn't know where you live. Don't make me watch this alone! Just watch episode 1 until the first commercial break & see if you aren't hooked -- I was, completely.

The thing about Caelen "need[ing] to step up," is that we've only heard that from Tim & whatever his wife's name is. They get all of their info, I assume, from Princess McKayla who is the second least reliable narrator in the world (the first being Shannon) so I'm going to need more evidence of Caelen's misbehavior before I take their accusations seriously. Though, yeah, the dog thing was problematic but I'm pretending that was just for filming. This is the same McKayla who used Caelen's working as an excuse for having an affair last year. Same exact reasons: I'm alone, Timmy's crazy (cut to Timmy being a healthy, active baby/toddler), Caelen's always working. There very well may have been valid reasons for her wanting to escape the relationship but there was absolutely no ownership on her part. She's becoming her mother. She even has the same facial expressions in front of the camera now. Someone above called her insufferable, that's the perfect word. She's just so, so awful.

Haughtiness? Karen? Robin to Karen, who is wearing an entirely inappropriate evening dress on the beach: Are you wearing a ball gown? Karen, La grande dame: I call this a sundress.

Ah! I forgot about that part. Don't worry; give me enough time & I'll have figured out scenarios in which she, Lizzie, & Tracie the no-longer-goddess were framed and unjustly imprisoned by the man. OK, even I can't imagine Lizzie being innocent of anything, however minor. Jaywalking? Throw the book at her!

Lamar: Y'all are trying to convert me Leprechaun: Heaven forfend! Just, you'll never be a good stepdad or husband unless you do. In fact, you'll be useless now and in the hereafter & your family knows it and will come to hate you for it. But isn't this fishing great?

Hey, you amazingly funny, smart posters who've entertained this lurker for so long. I can't believe it's Brittany & Sasha that have pulled me out of the shadows. Not my beloved howives, not the glorious vanderpumps, but these two idiots. So, before I go on, you need to know this about me: I should never serve on a jury (& never have.) If Colonel Mustard was found in the library giggling maniacally, candlestick in hand, I'd find a reason for reasonable doubt. Or if not that, a reason that his horrible past meant that of course he couldn't help but go on that years-long killing spree, the poor dear. So, the way y'all are talking about my girl Sasha is just breaking my heart! She seemed sweet & like a good friend to Brittany, right? She said she had been continuing her education and hoped the judge would be proud of her (much like Teen Mom's Janelle thought it was a mark of good character that all the judges in the courthouse knew her. Red flag ignored). So, here's my read of the crime for which she was sentenced: We really have no idea. The newspaper tells the cops' & prosecution's side of the story. Their job is to make her sound as cold-blooded and murderous as possible. But we met her, right? She's not like that, or not like that anymore or not like that on camera. So I offer you two scenarios made up entirely from my head, based on what the news stories said. I have no inside info whatsoever. Sasha is young, maybe disconnected from any support system (family, etc) and takes up with an abusive partner. They do loads of meth or crack or heroin often. Sasha is usually high, confused, scared, at the very least anxious. Bad partner says, "Sasha, you're always talking about these old friends of yours who have stuff we could steal. We'll go in, just you & me when they aren't home, grab the stuff & go. easy peasy. " But the day of, abusive boyfriend's even scarier friend shows up with guns and tho abusive boyfriend said he's watched the place and they weren't home, he hadn't and they were. Sasha tries to back out. scary friend points gun at Sasha says do this or I shoot you. So Sasha, mind clouded by drugs, fear, youth, goes on autopilot and just directs them to the stuff, trying to get them out of there ASAP. Then it all goes wrong. My other story is the same except in that scary guy & boyfriend have taken someone she loves hostage (niece, nephew, sibling?) to make sure she does the job. Sorry to make my first post so long! Does any of this sound credible? Brittany has had a life most of us are lucky enough not to be able to understand, so if she wants her best friend to be her child's godmother, a ceremonial role, I can't fault her for it.