bilgistic

I envision them all sitting around in their offices now where they sell insurance or work as small-town personal bankers at the local credit union, and the call comes in from Wendy's saying they want the rights to the song. "Finally", Mr. Big's collective members think, "it is going to happen for us again after 20-some odd years." Nope, that annoyingly twee redhead is going to butcher your song offkey, singing to a hamburger.

Here's another local used-car dealership spot (they're low-hanging fruit around here). They don't run this series of commercials anymore, and this one is fairly tame in terms of bizarreness, but I give you one word: puppets. They look like refugees from the nearest children's church horror hour, I mean, "let's learn about Jesus with puppets" hour. Because puppets make everything less creepy. It should be known that I hadn't seen those commercials in four years, and I could still remember the puppets' jingle so I could look up the commercial. They will take over your soul.

Why does he spell his name "Majic", but didn't bother to get the phone number that spelled it the same way? Why do I think Uncle Majic drives a windowless van, if you get my drift?

The Cullman Liquidation commercial was fantastic, so it makes sense that the genius behind the taxidermy commercial made that one, also. There was a reality show on for a while about a group that repoed or bought foreclosed/junked mobile homes and flipped them for a tidy profit. Cullman Liquidation reminded me of that. Don from "Don's Gun's" has quite the oversized set of dentures there. Nothing inspires trust in a merchant like big, fake horse teeth gleaming back at you.

A local dealership has been running these corny commercials for 20-plus years. My college roommate grew up in the area and told me some lore about them; the commercials used to have a dog and/or a man dressed up as Batman in them (which I do remember from when I first moved here). She said that the dealership was supposedly a cover for drug-running, and there was a "code" for who showed up in the commercial--Batman would mean a new shipment of cocaine had come in, for example, or the dog would mean heroin. This was supposedly to stay off law enforcement's radar, but they were eventually busted. It sounded highly suspicious to me, and I never found out if it was the truth, but the commercials are different now--no characters other than the reverend, the customer and the "deacons"(?). Anyway, the commercials are loved locally for how wonderfully terrible they are. Feast your eyes:

"Chuck Testa does not taxidermize pets." Well, who the hell are you going to go to, if not Chuck Testa, FFS? He's clearly the best! That was GOLD! From the very beginning with the lifeless animals "moving" to the very end with the disclaimer...perfection. THAT is how you advertise, Apple!

Y'all don't like Ashy Larry??

That...was painful. Although, now I want pizza.

MMV, of course, because I CANNOT TAKE any of those three, ESPECIALLY Sam Kinison. Jesus, I couldn't stand him.

After seeing that gem of a commercial from Alabama upthread, I've been thinking maybe we need a "Local Commercials" thread, in which we regale each other with horrifyingly bad examples of homespun marketing gone wrong. I can think of at least one series of local auto dealer commercials that fill me with unbridled rage because of how annoyingly stupid they are.

That jalapeno burger looks absolutely revolting.

Oh, my. That man's haircut is the worst thing about that commercial, and that commercial is pretty damn bad. I guess they know their client base and aren't afraid to say it. "Is your car parked behind Big Momma's house?" P.S. State Bar of Alabama, no lawyer can help you if you haven't paid your car loan.

They did a hilarious takedown of those commercials on this site. Look for them; it's worth it.

I first read this as "It's criminal that he dates Jennifer Aniston", which, YES.The biggest mystery for me: Why wasn't the bag for Neil set on fire? I mean, obviously.

FWIW, I follow Syfy on Facebook, and they tend to spoil the episode looks the day of with the look that they think is strongest/what photographs best, it seems to me. They pictured the Mack Truck this week. Those earring(s) in ??'s (I don't know her name yet, but it wasn't Blue Eyebrows, Cropped Blonde or Long Blonde) Talking Heads looked like daddy longlegs and CREEPED ME OUT. I hate spiders! "Cig Neutron" looks exhausting with his personalized skipper disco cowboy wardrobe and facial hair grooming routine. I admit to having a slight crush on George because of his righteous beard.

Sit with me. I've been bitching about his yelling since minute one. Also, that "skit" at the beginning was PAINFUL. Hacky "that's racist" jokes? If that's the kind of "development deal with NBC" that the winner gets, "You can keep that, thanks", said me and Rocky LaPorte. Roseanne can stop screeching any second now, too.

She's 32! She acts like up until the minute she walked onto the show, she was living with her parents who were literally spoon-feeding her. Either that or "I quit banking" is code for "I had a breakdown", which, hey, I feel you, sister, but maybe an internationally televised clothing design competition shouldn't be your first step outside? Xanax is only so strong.

The polls must be on the Lifetime website, because they aren't on the Lifetime app. It's got only Lifetime shows and some movies.

Same here; I gave up cable. At some point in the first episode, I realized how refreshing it was to not have my screen obstructed with a bunch of crap I can't read because I'm nearsighted.

Oh, trust me, I'm old, but just too cheap for cable. I watched on the Lifetime app on my really not fancy Android phone. I didn't have a cell phone until I was about 24 because they weren't invented yet.

All this commercial did for me, Apple, is reassure me (once again) that I made the right choice on proactively having my tubes tied at age 29 and never having any kids. Jesus, the anxiety that commercial gave me!I liked the dog, though.

Direct Insurance commercials are preposterous in general, but I just can't hate on "JJ Hightail" because the actor was hilarious on the late, great Reno 911.

When we were young, my younger sister used to have a melamine plate with "sections" because she didn't want her food "touching". She'd eat all of one item at a time, finishing each one before going to the next.

I'm a vegetarian and can't (won't) eat a lot of the major name brand yogurts because they have gelatin in them. I shop at Trader Joe's almost exclusively anyway, though, and theirs doesn't (the strawberry and vanilla flavors; I don't like other flavors). It's almost too sweet, though; it's made with (organic) sugar.

That commercial makes my skin crawl. I just imagine some jagged piece of metal scraping across my irritated, red, inflamed skin. (I have eczema and allergies, so at any given time, I might be itchy and red.) They got their point across to me with that rudimentary cartoon rendering. I almost can't watch it...but then I HAVE to. The evil!