CletusMusashi

So... any hypotheses about why Dracula owes him money?

She and Hoyt were my favorite couple. And, much as I'd have liked to see them work out, I would have settled for her and Jason getting a happy ending, provided the storyline didn't shit too hard on Hoyt in the process. And, let's face it, Jason ships are a dime for several dozen, so that's how well Jessica is played. There are only two times I like Bill. One is whenever he tries to pronounce the love of his life's name. "SUCKEH!!!" Which is just hilarious. And the other is whenever he interacts with Jessica. Which is actually good conversation. She humanizes anybody she's in a scene with. Including herself. Oh. And last season, when Bill discreetly suggested that she dress a bit naughty to seduce that professor guy, and she had a field day with it? So awesome.

I think it would have been a much better premier if they had stuck with the normal length of 40-whatever minutes. There wasn't enough in the script to actually fill an hour properly, so it just felt stretched. There's also a lot of weird things that seem like they only exist to make fans of the game yell "Dude! That's from the game!" For example, I assume that was what up with all that emphasis on the provisional mayor and his love of hand cream? It was being used by him, and then weirdly talked about in his speech, and then mentioned again by the viceroy... really? Who exactly is supposed to be fascinated by this? Besides, at this particular moment, possibly Datak. I do like the show when it's about characters and zany soap-opera plots, but it's always lost me when it started getting into its techno-mysticism. It is choppy in an almost literal sense. It's like you took a pretty good show and a very bad show, chopped them both up into little pieces, and then mixed up parts from both of them. Hopefully next week will go heavier on parts of the good show. This week, the only plot I liked all the way through was the Tarrs.

Remember that anti-vampire security system that Suckeh used to have on her porch? Why the fuck wouldn't Andy of all people have something like that installed? The all-night siege was just... lame. An unarmed opponent who is magically unable to enter the building simply should not be that much drama. Hell, couldn't Fairygirl just open the door a little bit and fry him with light-balls? Unpopular opinion: I actually kind of liked how stupid the sex scene was between Jason and Violet. I assumed that it was meant to be a humorous take on whatever ridiculous standards we'd been expecting to be in play. Even if the humor was accidental, it was still a rare funny moment in a sea of gloom and cliches. I'll take it.

This guy is one of the better Youtubers to watch for stuff about the historical weapons accuracy. Lately he's been letting his (metaphorical) hair down a bit and giving his opinions on works of fiction.

Did Julie Benz actually get hotter since last year?

I wouldn't count Ygrette or The Hound as sidekicks. Sam Tarly is a sidekick. Ygrette was a very pissed off ex. And The Hound was part captor part partner. Jojen was hardly a scene stealer. What about Osha and Hodor?

I really wish they'd remembered it wasn't 1965 any more and actually hired a non-European for the role. But that said, I still liked the episode. "One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out." The Scoobies were genre-savvy as hell for that time period, and even though a lot of other shows have caught up since then, the writing was snappy enough that it's still competitive.

A golden poop certainly could do some damage if dropped. But I don't think the Other Throne works by either plumbing or gravity. I think it's a big giant catch-pot, because until told otherwise on the show I refuse to listen to all those book spoilers about Tywin not technically shitting gold. 1. It's been explained in the narrative, so until I see otherwise I take Tywin shitting gold just as seriously as I take Targaryans not being burnable or Priesty McWhatsisname being able to raise the dead. Shitting gold really is no more unusual than half the other stuff we accept. 2. He owns the only humongous poop-seat in Westeros. There must be some sinister pragmatic reason. I think it's to keep people from stealing his gold. 3. It's certainly not what The Hand ordinarily uses. Tyrion would have needed a stepladder to get on to that thing. The giant pot is only needed for Tywin. 4. Actual realistic gold mines would involve a whole staff. The mines being tapped out could not possibly be kept as big a secret as it is. 5. Sandor could very easily identify Lannister gold, and Hounds are, let's face it, quite noted for their sense of smell. 6. It explains why Jaime hates his shiny gold hand so much. 7. In Season 1 we were given a clear shot of Tywin's horse pooping regular poop. So obviously the show is not scatophobic. If they wanted to convince us that the rumors about Tywin were not true, they could have easily shown him pooping on the steps of the palace just like his horse did. Since they did not, conservation of narration makes it clear that what we have been told is true. 8. We know that there are strange experimental mad maesterists running around doing strange things to people's physiology. Tywin may well have had himself spliced with golden-goose DNA or something. 9. There also may have been some kind of demonic pact, which he entered to pay for all the toddler beauty contests that Cersei and Jaine wanted to enter. Tywin gained the ability to create gold within his body, but as a side effect everything that came out of his wife's body from then on would be... less valuable. 10. He was a great character, and I'm going to miss him a lot, and I'm drunk, and god damn it, I like saying "poop." Oh, and also: Tywin Lannister is played by Charles Dance. Charles Dance was in "The Last Action Hero" without completely humiliating himself like every other actor did. If that's not pulling gold out of a chamber pot, I don't know what is.

Please please please let Ser Pounce be the new Paw of the King.

Actually, the strangest thing about Tyrion killing Shae was that, as noisy as that fight seemed to us, Tyrion was maybe 30 feet away, completely oblivious, pooping away happily. Seven fucking gods! How much noise was his body producing that he was that completely oblivious? ETA: Maybe he does shit gold. It would tend to jingle and/or clunk quite a bit. When he told Cersei about the mines being empty, he simply meant he was constipated.

This is not technically a video. But as a "Game of Thrones" themed song parody, it is fucking awesome. Meanwhile, this is very definitely a video. Arya and The Hound wander into a modern-day party:

The dragons were pretty controllable when they were even younger and more clueless about what was expected of them. The problem is that she sits inside all day, and they're left ignored. She used to always hold court outside, with the dragons right next to her. They could hear her voice tones and smell her emotional changes, 24/7, and had some clue as to how they should follow. You don't train a dog properly by leaving it in a crate in the garage all day except for the five minutes that you feel like visiting. I'm pretty much thinking same schtick with dragons.

I believe that after being bitten, beaten, gouged, sliced up, and thrown into Springfield Gorge, what Sandor was asking for was exactly what he wanted. If pressed further, he would probably have growled something along the lines of "Philosophy is for cunts." I really hope I'm wrong and he does make it. But I'm expecting he dies of exposure or shock long before next season starts. I'm gonna miss the big lug, especially if they're still gonna have Mount Frankenberry lumbering around.

Fighting classes in Westeros must be very interesting. "When fighting a person full armor, you should always rush in close and bite them on the ear or neck." "But won't their helmet be in the way?" "What is this 'hell-mutt' thing you speak of?"

Littlefinger's to-do list for this episode: 1. Send raven to Essos. Offer candy to toddler if she throws rocks at dragon. 2. Make speech about it. 3. Steal horses from Brienne and Podrick, forcing them to wander around and encouter Hound. 4. Hire wetnurse. 5.Send raven to show-writers. Remind them that everybody wants Bran to have more screen time. 6. Make chili for Tywin 7. Provide helium balloons to get Stannis' troops in place quickly enough to make deal with army of cannibals. 8. Write letters about there being two new openings on the small council. Send them to Walder and Ramsay. 9. Talk about how hot you still are for Sansa's dead mother. Chicks dig that. 10. Send raven to Qyburn. Ask about reanimating Joffrey.

if Stannis was willing to retract his claim and support Renly, as he had supported Robert, Renly was willing to name Stannis as his heir. That's not an offer you make to someone who you honestly think should not be allowed on the throne. Therefore, in Renly's way of thinking, there was nothing about Stannis to invalidate him except for the simple fact that Renly thought the crown looked better on himself. Would I rather have Renly controlling the throne than Mellisandre? Sure. But Renly had no claim. Robert at least admitted that he was revolting (insert Mel Brooks joke here.) He didn't just randomly start saying "Oh, it's my turn! Targaryan Schmargaryan."

Great conversation between Jon and Mance, but I do call bullshit on that "nobody else will die" thing. Really? A hundred thousand immigrants are going to just move in, refusing to kneel to any local authority, and that won't be a problem. The giants and cannibals will just be peacefully absorbed into the general population? I could see Stannis cutting a deal where they fight for him, though. Damn it, Tyrion, why did you have to kill Tywin? He was the best villain on the show! Guy was so smart he even had a toilet! Remember, even the king's finacee only had a chamber pot. I give up on Bran. Boring plus CGI is still boring. i liked him back when his story was mixed up with Robb's and Theon's and everybody's, but once he hit the road the only person keeping his scenes interesting was Osha. I'm pretty amazed there haven't been any deaths by dragon before. Seeing The Mountain lying on the slab there was giving me Ventures Bros flashbacks. If the story goes the same way it did with Monstroso, the next step will consist of giving him a gorilla heart. More likely they have some kind of Frankenstein schtick in mind though. It's a shame the next actor can't be Peter Boyle. Damn it, Arya, just finish the guy already! A few weeks ago she was actively trying to keep his neck from getting infected. Hot and cold much? This week, he was mortally mangled while protecting her from somebody that she ultimately did not want to travel with. He didn't do it for money, because there was nobody left to sell her to. Furthermore, he was the one who she immediately started bitching at to stop in the middle of a poop and come out and play bodyguard for her. So it's not like she "couldn't kill him." She did kill him, or at least was largely responsible. I didn't hear one peep out of her surly little ass trying to stop the fight from happening. And then, after he's no longer useful, his sentence basically becomes death by torture. I think perhaps her character arc has been the journey from "scrappy" to "dark" to "just a bitch."

But Aegon admitted he was a conqueror. Renly's campaign was basically " Make me king because I'm cooler than my brother." If his attitude had been "My brother Stannis has turned his back on the seven gods and a witch is making him burn people alive as heretics, so I need to step up as king and kill him," that would be an appropriate explanation for the sudden coupe. But it was clear that he simply thought Stannis was a dork.

As far as Tyrion goes, I see three options. One: They kill him and everybody stops watching the show. Martin might be that crazy, but I don't think his screenwriters are. Two: Jaime pressures Tywin into accepting Wall exile as an option. If Tywin's gotten any ravens recently, he'll consider that a death sentence anyway. Three: He might be able to sneak away to Dorne. On the ship that Cersei is sending there. Which would be hilarious. As far as Bran goes: Bran's story arc is boring. Bran's story was too boring even for Rickon, and Rickon is not exactly Mr. Excitement himself. So I hope the wtiters just forget about him this week. Shouldn't be that hard to do. I do like the Dany storyline, but I'd actually rather see what Jorah is up to now. Hope the Hound makes it. Would kind of love for Sansa and Arya to miss each other completely, since that way Arya and The Hound can continue to have scenes without Littlefinger in them. But on the other hand, there is no way there's not going to be Litlefinger scenes anyway, so maybe adding better characters to the mix will dilute him enough. Bonus points if Arya and/or The Hound take one look at Sansa's Evil Bird Suit and fall over laughing.

I think we need Stannis to have a flashback episode showing what all three brothers were like back in high school. I figure Robert was jousting-team quarterback, Renly was class president, and Stannis was like class treasurer or something. Robert might also have been Sergeant-at-Arms, simply because he liked the sound of it. And Stannis was probably determined enugh to be a big deal in the math or chess club... assuming they didn't have anyone who could do math as complex as "If your brother has ninety per cent of the armies, how many are left for you?" Actually, I think Ned Stark and Paetyr Baelish would be running for treasurer against each other. Varys was hall monitor. And Jon Arryn was gym teacher.

Exactly. Season 2 has an opening where they do exactly that with Grey Wind, and it's awesome. In fact, the first two enemies that he kills are a couple of low-level grunts in the Lannister army, who have a completely normal non-evil conversation with each other for several minutes before the wolf jumps out and slaughters them. My first thought re-watching it, was: "that was a great scene!" My second one was: better use of wolf attacks and remembering to keep the enemies human are two things that may be slipping now. Although I've seen both things fluctuate before. So I don't think there's a huge shark jump involved, just... I've got to bitch about something between episodes.

S2 = Awesome, snarky, charismatic, chaotic villain, brought in to show us that not all Big Bad vamps were cult members. Still capable of putting his instincts aside long enough to cooperate with humans briefly, but I wouldn't bet my life on him not killing me afterwards. S3 = Very drunk, and at the tail end of a long drive during which he had nobody to talk to, but presumably the same character, just very drunk and lonely. S4 = Originally the same as S2, but then, with the chip, forced into a longer period of cooperation, at least superficially. At no point in S4 did he have any problem with getting Buffy killed by Adam. All he wanted was to get his chip out so he could kill people again. Hiatus= Summer time. Summer in Sunnydale is like Halloween. Absolutely nothing happens except for a few random red-shirt vamps. I think all the named villains go to Cleveland or something. S5= Spike is, at the beginning, still primarily concerned with regaining his ability to kill people. He doesn't even want to associate with the Scoobies out of boredom, only for money. When Buffy enters his crypt, he is annoyed by the intrusion. He would rather associate with Harmony than Buffy, and we know from future complaints by Harmony that he has been rambling on at great length about Drusilla. Not Buffy. No signs yet of him being anything except Season 2 Spike+The Chip. He's still in Sunnydale because at this point the Scoobies can be manipulated into being more of an asset than a threat, and because whatever is left of The Initiative is his best bet at getting the chip out. So, still thinking pragmatically. Then: His brain is further tinkered with, and we see actual personality changes kicking in. As I've said before I subscribe to the Watsonian hypothesis that there was a physical brain alteration behind this. Even if his brain later on healed, the newly formed neural paths would still be there, affecting newer ones. But even if that's not the case, from a purely Doylist standpoint it still appears that OOMM is the ep where the writers really get excited about unveiling their new and "improved" LuvsBuffE4Eva!Spike. All of a sudden he's having erotic dreams about her, which are obviously a brand new thing, because he is horrified. He is making Harmony dress up as Buffy. Not that I didn't think that was hilarious, but it was new. And after that, he's crawling through the city dump like a madman, collecting manequin parts and old smelly wigs so that he can build a Buffy doll to talk to. He's having a Buffy sexbot built. He's digging a secret bunker for his Evil Under Lair of Underwear. This is all just a level of desperate crazy prolonged self-inflicted butt-monkiness that I can not fathom even Season 3 or 4 Spike degenerating to. I mean, if he came home one day and Harmony was dressed up like Buffy, or Willow, or perhaps even Angel, he might dig it, but the other stuff is just crazy. I mean, come on. This is a Bad who maintained dignity after pretty much having a piano dropped on him! And it is only in the context of this new OOC batshit Spike that we see things such as, for example, his heroic martyrdom against Glory or his actually caring for Dawn so much that he even continues to look out for her when Buffy was dead. He wasn't even snarking about how "I don't want the bloody Slayer coming back from the grave and staking me for getting her brat sister killed." The acting made it pretty clear that his personality, from early S5 to the S6 pilot, had changed more than it had in all of the seasons previous to that. In S6, his relationship with Buffy is so flawed and squalid partly because she is hardly herself any more, and when a crazy person is giving another crazy person a lot of confusing mixed signals, what you end up with is a mess. Season 5 never got that bad because a. Buffy hadn't gone through the big death trauma yet, and b. They were so busy fighting Glory that, by the time Riley was gone, there simply wasn't time for a relationship. Once Buffy died and came back at least as crazy as Spike ever was, he no longer understood what the best way to deal with her was. It's actually quite possible that he didn't get the soul because he honestly, sincerely just wanted to be "good," enough for her, but because he thought it might act as a sort of decoder ring to help him understand WTF was going on with Buffy's flunctuating emotions. After all: we know from his previous romantic history that "crazy" is not a deal-breaker, as long as he knows how to make it work for him. A lot of people take the "brain damage" hypothesis as"ha ha ha, it's a bad plot change, so Spike must be brain damaged, ROFL!" but vampires heal fast. And when that damaged brain tissue regrows... what imprints does it have? I would honestly be fine with the suggestion that a vampire's demon soul retains memories that it downloads right back into the new vamp-brain, kind of like a computer backup. In a world with ghosts and resurrections, that would actually be my go-to guess. But we've never actually seen, say, a vampire get blasted in the head with a shotgun, grow a new face, and go on with his life. And, honestly, if it was that simply, couldn't Spike simply blow out the chip with a handgun and then heal? The chip is presumably connected to a part of the brain that controls social bahavior. The area around the chip was surgically damaged. Then, that area healed quickly, forming new grooves based on whatever stimuli seemed appropriate. What was happening just then? Buffy beating the crap out of Spike.

That, or... you know... more cave sex.

I also don't think it's possible to overestimate his ability to manipulate people and events. He's a Villain Sue, who can and will get away with whatever is needed to connect two plot points. Real villains, like Tywin, actually have to work at their schemes. We see the plan, the execution, and the victory, and it is often quite impressive. Not proud to admit this, but I'm even including Ramsay as a real villain, compared to Littlefinger. Lots of people have tried crazy long-shot political moves. Lots of them have died for it. Statistically speaking, somebody has to be the last-living bullshit peddler. That doesn't make them awesome. It just means their luck hasn't run out yet. His humungulious convoluted plan thus far has led to: a. Catelyn being dead, b. his new adopted son being uncomfortably interested in Uncle Daddy's nipples, and c. having his life depend largely on the good will of a girl who is about to subject him to some kind of Suzanne Collins cosplay. That last part is going to be especially confusing for him because Westeros only has Betamax players.