Uncle JUICE

MVPs of this show are EASILY, EASILY Tim and Veronica (LVP? Molly's boyfriend, he does not bring anything at all to the table, and Molly, in a close second, with her affected way of talking). They should cut everyone else out and just make it those two because I feel like Tim's reactions are VERY genuine most of the time. These other dopes are over actors, too invested in their own 'characters' and trying to make them 'pop.' Tim is a genuinely funny person, and the chemistry with Veronica who is essentially the Abbot to his Costello is tremendous (platonic chemistry is also chemistry). I could do without the farm folks, though I think that Russian girl is cute and has some potential, but again, they're trying REAL hard. And I WANT to find Kenny and Armando annoying, but honestly they're just adorable. Even you, Kenny, making tequila drinks for your husband. I think my all star pillow talk team looks like this. Tim and Veronica Loren and the Israeli husband in Florida whose name I don't care about Robert "Get Usman On The Track" and Annie Kenny and Armando I'm trying to put in a fourth couple but I think really that's enough, the show's only an hour and it's much more fun to watch than the regular version.

Spoiler alert:

From here and ever forward, that drawer on the nightstand for women everywhere is designated the Vibratory. Or, if you're classy as fuck, the vibratoire (like a repertoire). Thank you EthalFrida. Truly, you have changed the world today. So let it be written...let it be done.

Whoops, sorry, you've hit on the portion of my memory under "FOOTAGE DELETED: TOO DISTURBING," I don't remember that convo at all. Or...do I...no...no.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! God damn it, now I remember it.

Does it seem like "banter" when the two of them are talking about how to drive a car, and Caleb's like "I can put you down there to work the pedals"? I think I have a real hard time hearing banter in other accents, so I can't understand how Alina was responding to that. Made me feel gross though.

EXACTLY THIS. Exactly. And they don't recognize that their brief time together will be miserable, until the other person can get free, marriage is going to be extremely painful. I'm sympathetic with those who are socially awkward, believe me, like Mike (and yo, don't hate on adult lego builders, people, that shit is therapeutic), but he's the guy who gets his hot wife here eventually and next thing you know she's out at night without you, and texting in spanish to guys you don't know...

OK, again you guys know this by now, but generally I watch this mess after having an edible, so it can be...unsettling. First off, let me confirm that Usman is completely stoned, basically this entire episode. It's the only explanation for his behavior, the smiling at nothing, the weird words he says like kimBAAAAAAAAAAly, and his absolute lack of shame taking a PS5 and a $2500 laptop from a woman and then not courtesy banging her. You can make the argument that he has some boundaries on his villainy and THAT"s why he doesn't bang her, but I don't buy that. Plus I got a real kick out of using my dad voice to say stuff like "T-Suds, Pounder, what do you gentlemen think?" because I couldn't remember their handles. Ella...really all of these people...at some point, don't these producers have to sleep at night? Like five years or ten years from now, are they talking to a therapist about the role they played in either facilitating some scam where someone really got their heart broken? It's one thing if both people are in on the story, but that's not the case at all here. I'm telling you something is neurologically wrong with the hat guy, and his 'girlfriend' could barely keep from laughing in her 'scene' where she questioned the association with the waitress. Watch it again. No one, and I mean no one, would believe because of a tip (of 15%!!!!!! It's not like he put down $500!) you want to fuck a waitress. Completely fake. Memphis? With all her past trauma? The MJ lady? I promise her past has some DAAAAAAAAAAAARK shit in it. Like her next talking head will casually feature her dropping the line "My last relationship wasn't great, I spent ten months chained to a radiator in an abandoned Elks lodge basement, and he's stop by with food and fresh water, let me out to empty my bucket in the middle of the night. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it wasn't, you know, relationships, right? Anyway, when the FBI finally found me, I had to spend six months reintegrating to society in an inpatient facility, and I found Usman on this show, and well...love at first sight." Ella too...this is a person in a very vulnerable mental state. I asked my wife last night: at what point does the producer of these segments have to tell the other human being, the one crying, that "this isn't a good idea, you know? You don't have to do this. You're better than this." At some point, I have to have faith that the people working on this mess will wake up and see it that way. You want to fuck with Colt and Larissa and whatshernuts, his mom? Fine, they're all in on the joke. Ella isn't. MJ lady isn't. Alina isn't. Gino isn't. Mike isn't. They're being exploited, and all of them have significant emotional handicaps.

If by "a thing" you mean "that Uncle Juice will write to his wife in her Valentine's card," then she's succeeded for sure.

Could it be the whack ass stripper name she's using? Zero chance that's on her birth certificate, just absolutely none. He should have told her his name was The Scorpio. And no, I didn't miss the n.

I think part of that is the COVID showing. It's not like you can just grab some other drunk dope out of a bar or wherever they find these people. THere's a two week quarantine in place, so if you shitcan one of these fools, you either have planned to do so for two weeks without telling them, or you're willing to work down a person for at least two weeks. And that restaurant they went and got wasted at was literally completely empty, it was kind of depressing.

Wow, now I can't stop hearing that guy's voice and cadence! "After the break, we're going to hear from a band that started with a young lady...whose determination...helped her surpass...incredible obstacles, on the road to stardom...and her biggest hit, you might recognize it, it's about connectivity... and genitalia...right after this."

Also, "I'll cancel the whole season!" is such an empty threat WITHOUT the Bravo component. Unless he's ready to retire, Lee is full of shit. He's not going to call the guy who owns that boat and say "We have to refund a couple of charters, I canceled them because the water slide was tangled this one time, sorry byeeeeeeeeeeeee."

It's really just this simple. Yes, when I'm alone and listening to Jay Z or Snoop or Tupac, I sing the whole song. In mixed company (which means anyone NOT my wife, including my kids), that word is just not something I'm going to say. It's not complicated, you just have to deal with it. THAT said, in no way do I get racist vibes from Heather, who I find mostly pretty pleasant, that doesn't make it right. JUST DO NOT USE THAT WORD. BUT: Rayna, if you're going to make an issue of it to a superior, which is your right, don't wait until you get yelled at or something completely to bring it up like a whatboutism. And now she'll tell everyone who will listen, but only piecemeal. I know she said something directly to Heather, but it was also tempered with "I still love you!" and all that. Her complaints about it to management that we've seen appear to lack that spoonful of sugar, which also misrepresents what happened in a way that makes Heather look like something other than what we've seen so far.

This reminds me of the best thing to ever come out of the 90 day franchises: whenever I hear a crappy song, I always tell my wife "Man, you gotta get Usman on this track!" Thanks Robert, who I sincerely hope is living his best life with his adorable Annie and I believe 9th and 10th children. Not the greatest guy of all time, but easily the best line in the entire series. Dancey dancey...dancey dancey Baby COOOL!

Which one of these dopes was like "I'm being smart with my savings!" then proceeded to list all of the money they'd sent overseas, was that the guy who has a body dissolving in a tub off camera, or the shower cap lady?

"Like a princess," says the show. "Or, like Luke carried Yoda around on Dagobah." Says a stoned 46 year old watching with his wife.

My wife guffawed because she knows how I am about stuff like this, and as usual I was watching it while doing something else either on my phone or computer. She looked right at me while he's saying it and said I gave it a perfect "dad" face, looking over my glasses like "Why are you saying that, it makes no sense at all". It's hard to explain, but I always like when she laughs like that, it's probably why I watch this show. Barista is my guess.

Just a sack, in my book.

Are they ABOVE or BELOW "family astronomer"?

That Caleb is a level ten douche, I can't believe I haven't mentioned how insufferable his 'philosophizing' is. I think it's me being older now, but hey, 25 year olds who think you know shit about the universe? Stow it. Just. Stop. "I'm drawing a symbol as it's easier to manifest that in my consciousness, then the universe can align with that intention." Hey, idea Caleb: quietly meditate on that for a while. I'm leaving the room.

HIYOOOOOO!

Woof, packed a lot of disturbing info into that tiny little interaction there. "Where did you get those...200...blue pills?" Of course the answer was "The internet." And of COURSE he tested them out. Had himself a pornathon, and jacked off so much he burnished the skin to a leathery shine, I bet. This is where we need a reality show to include the conversation between the producer and the camera operator in the car as they're leaving. "Dude, I would ask you what you thought the smell in there was, but how are we NOT going to talk about his Tijuana generic viagras?" "I didn't ASK if he'd tested them. He told me, then did that laugh, I swear I think my genitalia is out of commission for the next week as a result."

I imagine when he gets down to business, he turns it around, not only for practical purposes like being so so so close to his lover while lovemaking, but also because it's like a switch, that turns on the sex machine. Lincoln Hawk style.

I got stuck on this scene for a second: her WHAT has Wifi? What did they asterisk out? My wife thinks it was "pussy" but...why would that have wifi? I said maybe it was "motherfucker" based on how many stars are there, but WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I felt like I was in a Hunter S. Thompson story, being directed by David Lynch, it was disorienting. Also loved this scene, as about 30 seconds into this exchange in real life, the pharmacist is going to tell him "It's lubricant, it's warming, pretty straightforward, but I'm telling you, if I catch you jerking off in the bathroom again, this time I'm pressing charges, okay? Now buy it or get out, it's like six dollars."

I don't know guys...there's something that feels the wrong kind of exploitative in watching this group, and not just because of the little person angle. The guy with the hat and the uncle, there's something wrong there. At first, I thought the hat had to be to cover up the scar left over from some brain injury, like he USED to be an engineer, but got into some sort of car-flipped-over-a-median type of accident and managed to be saved, but is on permanent disability. The lady with Usman, we're going to find out she's got some serious trauma in her backstory, right? Like, as serious as the one who did the shower thing? Because about 80 minutes into this episode she dropped her harrowing history on us, which I didn't appreciate, because now I feel bad. Look, TLC, we all KNOW these people by nature have serious emotional damage. You don't have to put it on display though, it's better when we can all pretend to each other not to know it. I'm not entirely sure I can watch this one. I'm totally going to though, like I did with Kirk Cameron's Christmas movie this weekend. Thanks weed. I KEPT ASKING MY WIFE THIS! Not as cleverly, just quizzically like "Did I miss where this guy had a couple of hits somewhere? Because when he moves here, he's going to drive an Uber."