Rainsong

A brief second post on this week to pile on Nick again: 1) Every Bachelor we've seen has obvious favorites even if the producers and the editors attempt to make it look like a level playing field. Ben/Lauren, Sean/Catherine et al. Hindsight is convenient but those pairings were obvious from the off. 2) The Bachelorettes must endure long periods of idle boredom but so must The Bachelor, who is kept in his gilded cage until dates/activities with the additional burden of solitude (production staff swarming around at all times notwithstanding) during the downtime. 3) Despite these restrictions, most (all?) previous Bachelors were, shall we say, feeling the full effect of their hormones combined with a competition-free environment full of desirable women. When they were set loose on the women, they wasted no time. 4) The producers all but beg the participants to break the so-called rules via stealthy assignations. Are some of these staged? Probably. Why else would a full camera and sound crew be ready at a moment's notice at 10 or 11 at night when the cast are presumed to be sleeping? Corinne's visit to Nick's room next week is well past the halfway mark of the season but at least she's taking some initiative. 5) The point of all this is that a Bachelor who really wanted to see his favorite or simply have some unscripted adult time would get only token resistance even if it tipped off who the contenders were. Has Nick been so institutionalized through multiple Bachelor seasons that he doesn't even consider sneaking away with one or more of them? He himself has been the Bachelorette's bit on the side so surely he must know the doors may be shut but they are never locked. Is this merely another facet of his submissive personality? Or is it an unmistakable, if unspoken, sign that he simply isn't strongly attracted to any of them even if he fulfills his contract by selecting a final two and pretends to be smitten?

Time to utilize the forum’s graphics function and attach the Nick Flag displayed upside down to indicate ship in distress: (PS – the overgrown hall monitors at the old TWOP forum once admonished me for posting a screencap. ‘Follow the rules! No pictures!’ she barked. I checked the rules. There were none against posting pictures. Some people miss TWOP. I don’t. Especially their killjoy pedantic mods who obsessed over ‘boards on boards’ to the exclusion of all else.) Nick is blue. Nick is sad. Nick is confused. Nick is the kid pouting that the new bicycle he received on Christmas morning has white reflectors instead of yellow ones. The more beautiful and exotic the setting, the worse Nick feels. Alas! Poor widdle fing! Taylor performs the exeunt she deserved last time but not before screwing her face into an even more bizarre gargoyle imitation. Can this girl grump or what? The Bachelor franchise reaches another milestone with its 1,000th red herring edit. Fair play to the lads and lasses in the editing suite for misleading the audience so consistently. A carriage ride with 10 rivals is ‘so romantic?’ Josephine is still there? Nick treats her the way we treated the box for our coffee maker: we kept it around for no good reason for far too long. It was never going to be touched again. Alexis says it’s ‘so EMOSHUNULLLLL.’ It’s hard to believe that so many are pushing for this pile of boring nothingness to be the next Bachelorette. 3rd graders obsessed with various marine species are cute. Adults obsessed with them are boring and likely lack actual adult interests. Insert ‘shallow’ pun here. Nick is fast becoming what Hitchcock referred to as the ‘macguffin’ in films: a unseen/mysterious object the characters pursued ie merely a plot device. They want to win but they’re not sure why and getting less sure with each passing minute. If tide charts help us anticipate nature’s rhythms, then we can anticipate Jasmine’s activities: if she’s awake she’s complaining. Again. No sense in mentioning her again below in the usual chronological fashion. She comprehensively bitched her way home. The less said about her offer to choke Nick – or anyone else – the better. Her demise was never in doubt but she plumbed new depths of bizarre. All that time and trouble to get to St Thomas only to have the 1-on-1 date fly away to…St John. To be fair, I’ve been to both and St John is by far the more serene, secluded island (also smaller). The hotel for the bachelorettes is right on the harbor – the backgrounds in almost all the St Thomas shots reveal they didn’t wander far from the harbor at all (budget alert!). Kristina finally gets her chance to shine. Kristina made up: gorgeous. Kristina in ‘natural’ makeup: still gorgeous. Even Eeyore Nick notices. Finally, someone has a ‘tell me about yourself story’ that is intense, detailed and unique. Kristina’s dark eyes are fascinating but they often don’t smile along with her…there is some serious hurt there along with a survival instinct to constantly scan for threats. Understandable. Her eyes follow the well-earned rose like missile tracking radar. Dancing with a tall(er) girl is tricky, but so is dancing with a short(er) one. When the girl must constantly crane her neck back to see her partner’s face any chance for graceful movement is off the table for both. Such was the unwieldly stance for Nick & Kristina. Steel drums are ace but did we need the white-clad hordes of dancers? It must be said: Nick was more intrigued by Kristina’s orphanage story than he was by her bikini-clad body wrapped around him in the surf. This is one strange cat with a libido that seems virtually nonexistent. Is it possible we can get an emergency transfusion of testosterone from a Brad Womack? There are various rotor and fixed-wing aircraft available to transport it from the mainland. Raven’s evening wardrobe has been praised by many but her mismatched bikini was frightful, especially the frumpy, crepe-y bottoms from the Annette Funicello Beach Blanket Bingo collection. Whatever happened to the Bachelor involving himself in the contests as the girls ‘fought’ over him as a teammate? There are already two (!) islanders serving as referees for this volleyball shambles, why is Nick standing there like a scarecrow? Memo to Nick: this isn’t the Olympics. The winner of the match is unimportant. You’re meant to be interacting with them. ‘Where is Corinne’s head?’ asks Danielle M. Why, it’s where it usually is, Dani: at about 0.15 BAC. Vanessa is grinding her teeth so furiously that her molars may flatten out. The ladies are in various states of drunkenness, exhaustion, and heat stress. They are sick of playing giddy schoolgirl and buyer’s remorse wallops them all simultaneously: Nick really isn’t worth the effort. It’s rare for this much actual reality to sneak into Reality TV but the producers had precious little to work with this episode despite the stunning USVI location. Corinne gives an excellent visual lesson in why hygrometers were originally designed using blonde human hair: hers is frizzed out past the Tropic of Cancer. Say what you like about daddy’s little business tycoon princess but when there is a free hotel bathtub, pool or spa on offer she doesn’t miss a trick. Why not relax instead of stressing out? Good on her. Whitney & Danielle L are airlifted away in the Legs vs Bust battle royale. Whitney never stood a chance, poor thing. Fair dues to the forumite here who noted that Danielle L had all her sales patter memorized and then…dumpeditoutinonelongsentence. Her salon banter is quite advanced: she can make the mundane sound somewhat appealing and interesting. A few of her cheesecake modeling photos have surfaced since this season began. It’s all about the PR for this LA-savvy self-promoter and I don’t say that in a critical way. She knows what’s she’s after and it really isn’t Nick. She was ‘falling in love’ with him in the same way that I will become U2’s new guitarist. No chance. Nick stares at the floor talking to Whitney. Nick stares at the floor talking to Danielle L. Not even Danielle’s assets can wrest his attention away from his shoelaces. Nick displays every symptom of someone who conducts most of his human interaction through tablet and phone. I think the word ‘disrespectful’ has been worn threadbare through overuse but it applies here. At least have the decency to feign interest in what someone might – MIGHT – be telling you from the heart. Danielle L may be the least distressed surprise reject we’ve seen. She musters up a few inauthentic tears but is clearly plotting her next move. She’s a dead certainty for Bachelor In Paradise but with her cosmopolitan looks and hot bod she has to be the new favorite for The Bachelorette. The porter comes to the suite to reclaim another bag. Kristina’s hands cover her face not out of surprise but because she’s grinning like a jack o’lantern. The rest do an unconvincing job of acting surprised and distressed. Fantastic pep talk, Eeyore Nick! Sniffle, whimper, pout. You’ve really got their interest piqued now! What a catch you truly are! They don’t know whether to follow you to your room or to jump off the balcony onto the rocks below! Actually, let’s qualify that: Corinne knows. And she’s following Nick to his room. She’s putting on the stripper heels and the slinky outfit. Lord love a duck, Corinne has ‘sex abilities!’ Whatever they are. No doubt they make a good match with her ‘intelligency.’ Next week: more whining from Nick at the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that have put a bevy of attractive women on a plate for him with the courtship paid for by someone else. It’s the MOST DEPRESSING SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER!

As a card-carrying hard-bitten cynic for whom ironic distance provides a convenient means of self-protection as well as a nice perch for watching the world go by, I nevertheless appreciated a member of this august forum getting in touch to inquire about my absence this week. No names mentioned but thanks. Tardiness and travel mean I just watched the episode in blissfully condensed form last night (while I celebrate a second Thanksgiving in February I must also acknowledge the selfless efforts of those faceless Internet denizens who make such viewing possible without relying on the network and its balky, intrusive, money-grubbing app). The Bachelor (person) and this season of The Bachelor (show) almost defy conventional analysis. Nick is a cipher; a passive I’ll-be-whatever-you-want-me-to-be milquetoast who appeals to the 21st Century females mostly for his utter lack of intimidating alpha male spine but who frustrates them in equal measure since he refuses (and probably fears) commitment. Even the obvious frontrunners among the ladies are literally scratching their heads over his shape-shifting approach to romance (?). In one encounter he may be intensely focused and speaking clearly; in the next his eyes dart about the room as if he’s had one too many Red Bulls and his lisp returns with a vengeance. The extent of his physical contact is the grasping of a hand or the absent-minded stroking of a forearm along with, of course, the straight-on lip lock. We don’t see hugs. We don’t see cuddles. We don’t see Nick reclining a la Brad Womack and throwing a strong protective arm over a lady’s shoulders while she rests her head on his chest, something we probably all have done instinctively. He is, without a doubt, an odd duck made even odder by the Fleissians’ insistence on foisting him on the viewing public repeatedly. But the Fleissians’ curious fascination with Nick is nothing compared to their fascination with Real Housewives-type bitchiness and open hatred albeit the kind prompted and edited to make it look as bad as possible. The Corinne Show has been recast as The Corinne & Taylor Deathmatch with Nick in a rather unsupportive supporting role. He can’t handle conflict in his own life and having to referee Bizarro Betty & Veronica’s battles is well beyond his modest abilities. The producers may as well engrave a rose stem with Corinne’s name in the first five minutes of each episode since they obviously believe she is ratings gold. Taylor, who probably never stood a chance of advancing to the late rounds, is spared the quick limo ride to the airport and instead is inexplicably informed of Corinne & Nick’s location and given a ride there. In the previews for next week we see the usual vehicle door slamming and some cryptic references to ‘both/two girls going home.’ A sensible Bachelor might well wash his hands of the troublesome pair and get on with Finding A Wife (TM) given the narrow window of time but this is Nick we’re talking about. The RC outcome was never in doubt. Sarah’s figure in that dress did plenty of talking but it fell on deaf ears. She was tearful but unsurprised. Astrid and Nick passed like two strangers in an airport. A bit of blue language auf Deutsch would have been delicious and might have even got by the censors. Back at the Haunted Mansion group date, Nick manages to miss the entire point of the exercise which is to protect one or more girls from the eeeeeeevil spirits via a hug, hand-holding or words of encouragement. He apparently needs cue cards or intense coaching for every scene in this film. They are so bored even in his presence that they get the Ouija board out. Memo to Jasmine: if you apply now you can probably get your TSA Precheck application approved before your flight back to Texas but book your airfare now to obtain the best price before your inevitable departure. Danielle M, recipient of the Vanishing Act edit since her triumphant first date, manages to snag the rose. Danielle L in particular is not impressed. Whitney looks more magnificent with every flash-frame she’s in – again, she would be an easy finalist paired with almost any previous Bachelor but not this one. In fact, Nick had his hands tucked up his sleeves while conversing with her (!?!) such was his level of discomfort. Kristina does her level best to stay relevant and visible and Vanessa gets a fair amount of individual close-ups. Rachel may be genuinely interested in Nick but she is more genuinely interested in competition and winning. She’s a hard charger by nature and the influence of her demanding father is obvious – note that Nick is already cowed by him and he hasn’t even met him yet! It borders on cruel to confine the other Bachelorettes to a hotel in the French Quarter of all places – perhaps the producers were afraid that they might enjoy themselves a bit too much if set loose on Bourbon St and possibly meet a top bloke who would make them forget all about Ol’ Whatshisname. It’s hard to imagine a less romantic place than the Louisiana Bayou with man-eating alligators, venomous water moccasins and an infinite number of mosquitoes. The miracle of modern technology means that a small GoPro camera mounted on the skiff’s bow can replace an entire camera crew and obviate the crew moving in and out of the Bachelor’s boat to get various shots. Corinne's room service dinner was massive - she tucked right in. Her bath routine was hilariously cringeworthy. The sexually charged symbolism of the champagne overflowing out of the neck of the bottle has been employed in hundreds of Playboy pictorials. Or so I'm told. And so, another To Be Continued. No RC. Presumably the C&T catfight will be concluded and we know from the first episode’s season preview that Nick’s dalliance with Liz will be revealed to the consternation of all – including Nick, who was there when it happened. Either this guy is so bad in the sack that he feels guilty afterward or he’s putting on the alligator, er, crocodile tears so the upset girls don’t think he actually enjoys sex.

As bad as The Bachelor Starring Nick might get, the Corinne Show is infinitely worse. Drunken antics, gratuitous nudity, me-me-me episodes and a total lack of self-awareness are amusing for 20-30 minutes but they cannot and should not be the focal point of two shows of two hours each (less commercials). We’ve seen the producers throw their hands up before as they grow exasperated with the lack of personality and chemistry in and between the Bachelor and his harem. Yes, it’s Reality TV: people don’t watch Pawn Stars for the thrill of locating a mint buffalo nickel; they watch Pawn Stars to see arguments and haggling. Corinne may not be a plant per se but she is irresistible to the bored, cynical Fleissians including one C. Harrison, Esquire, who is a producer himself and should know when too much is too much. Shifting the RC around some more meant that Corinne and the terminally bitchy Taylor (who was wielding her book learning like a bullwhip) served as the cliffhanger rather than um…um…give me a second to remember his name….oh yeah..Nick the Bachelor. To quote Catherine (Giuduci) Lowe’s acidic comment last night: ‘Milwaukee. Yay.’ Pack those bikinis away and be still your beating hearts, ladies, you’re off to the Upper Midwest! Given that we know the finale is in Finland (say that three times fast!), this will be a long dreary cold-weather slog for these poor females who expected a bit of sun on a California or Florida beach, possibly Mexico. So we’re in the Land of Cheese made even cheesier with Nick’s domineering mother and her Wiskaaansin accent. Nick’s henpecked father gives us instant insight into where Nick learned his Beta Male moves. ‘We don’t want to see you on this show again,’ says the father. Not even the Fleissians are that desperate and unimaginative, Dad. Nick still seems unclear on the variety pack aspect of this show, so Danielle L and her big-ticket sweater puppies are given another day/night on the town with a cringe-overload ‘chance’ meetup with Nick’s ex. Still, that doesn’t dampen DL’s spirit or her determination to wear as little as possible on the night date, cool weather and a dreadful Bro Country concert be damned. It's stating the obvious to say that Danielle L is more interested in being on teevee than in Nick but unlike some past fame-seekers I don't resent her for it. To be fair to Nick, the scales seem to have fallen from his eyes where the fetching Kristina is concerned and her patience is rewarded with a rose. Another (yawn) round or two of Corinne vs All The Other Girls commences as Nick finds that Raven is quite intriguing after all. As the laptop logos of the extras in the Nick/Danielle coffee scene were taped over, the soccer shirt of Nick’s sister has a logo blanked out with tape. Raven’s boutique has apparently bought up some Frederick’s of Hollywood surplus and she’s worn a racy, lacey little number for the art museum date but the diminutive dress (?) doesn’t keep her from enthusiastically rollerblading to celebrate her rose. Vanessa gets a meager amount of camera time but that is obviously an editing ploy to keep her from looking like too much of a favorite. On any other season the stunning and serene Whitney would be chased like a mechanical rabbit at a greyhound track but she can barely get a look-in due to Nick’s need to be beat over the head with clues. Danielle M looked to be a contender but is the forgotten woman and is starting to despair. Sarah is also a face in the crowd but she daringly and skillfully took on Corinne – it may not do much for her in the Nick stakes but at least she had her innings.

Theme of the night: transparency, as in Nick’s declaration ‘I’m just going to be transparent with you.’ But transparency is defined as ‘see-through’ and is a very different thing to honesty. But in this case It may apply since some of these ladies are obviously seeing through Nick and they are quickly losing their patience with the whole thing. Attrition is a very real threat for the producers since cynical retread Nick is not doing his part to maintain the illusion. He talks about getting engaged like a trip to the supermarket. Back to (the wrong kind of) transparency – Nick is pursuing just 4 or 5 of the women and they all know it. According to a legion of posts here, this is fairly common (and human nature) for The Bachelor but rather poorly disguised this season. The women do constant silent and verbal head counts of their competition from the moment they arrive and were no doubt pleased that Liz was eliminated without the rigors of a RC but they were NOT impressed with Nick’s revelation thereafter. If ‘b**chy resting face’ is a real, observable phenomenon then Jaimi had ‘I want to smash a liquor bottle upside your head face’ as she ground her teeth. Tone-deaf Nick then proposes a toast?!? To celebrate what? His notched bedpost? Better to make your excuses and leave, my man. God bless Kristina who retains that Russian black widow ability to do a half-smile while still staring daggers through someone just like the figure skaters and gymnasts we’ve all seen from that country. Any form of competition is a blood sport and they intend to win. This as good a place as any to point out that a viewer could almost spoil the show without outside assistance merely by muting it and watching body language. Nick grabs Vanessa immediately by the hand. Lacey is like a closed umbrella – legs crossed, hands amidships, shoulders hunched. Nick sits ramrod-straight opposite her with his hands tucked away also. Even worse, Lacey announces in her affected, clipped tones that she ‘wants to discuss’ the situation aka ‘we need to talk’ – a pronouncement that induces more male panic than a fire alarm at 2 AM. Goodbye, Lacey. It’s only 5 minutes in and you are obviously a goner. Nick strikes a relaxed pose with Kristina but, interestingly, keeps a large pillow between them as a literal physical barrier. The pneumatic Danielle L, on the other hand, seems to have borrowed a hit of nitrous oxide from dental assistant Kristina. She is absolutely if inexplicably giddy. Fair play to her for avoiding drama and for wearing another dress that, shall we say, economizes on the fabric used to make it. Nick is greatly relieved to see that one of the fittest birds in the house is unaffected by his confession and latches on immediately, stroking her hand and arm. They avoid the usual remonstrations about ‘I feel like we haven’t spent enough time together’ and start talking about families etc. Clearly, Danielle L is a contender. Clearly, Hailey is not since she does the opposite. A lengthy discussion of Corinne seems almost superfluous. She may not be a casting office plant per se but she is clearly getting the lion’s share of the producers’ time as they put her up to one silly stunt after another as she guzzles more wine. It’s rare, even unprecedented, for a Bachelorette to be given the latitude to order delivery of anything – food, transportation, clothing – yet Corinne (apparently) has snapped her fingers and ordered a bouncy castle. Anyone who’s been around these playthings (the castle, that is, not Corinne) knows they require an inflation motor/fan that is L-O-U-D and would have been audible anywhere in the house yet the ladies seem surprised to see it. The raincoat/Reddi Wip stunt was as sad as it was unsexy. ‘I have the it factor that guys really like,’ she declares, and she has the ‘sex charm’ - whatever that might be beyond gratuitous nudity. All right… why is she on this show then? South Florida may have its liabilities but it has a large population of single men. Some of them are even straight. One side benefit of Corinne’s antics are the grim-faced councils of war held by the others. Sensitive Sarah is in floods of tears. Soon, so is Corinne. And passed out. The mid-show RC seems to be a regular feature this season. Veteran Nick is annoyed by Corinne’s violation of protocol. Even an appearance by Backstreet Boys (who, it must be said, proved that they have no need for autotune) couldn’t shake Corinne out of her scheming. Can a 24 year old grow up in the Miami area without visiting a nightclub or two and developing some sense of rhythm? Apparently the answer is yes, especially if your nanny (?) is still making your cheese pasta (!?). Kristina, adopted from an unfit alcoholic mother half a world away, is justifiably annoyed by this oblivious spoiled brat. If dancer Jasmine walked the challenge, Danielle L floated the challenge. Nick gets a second dance from DL and helps himself to a handful of her personal Backstreet which earns her the no-doubt-about-it rose. The other girls didn’t pretend to act surprised. Vanessa holds up the Vomit portion of the plane’s famous Vomit Comet nickname on her date. Perhaps a dose of Dramamine before the date would have been of use? Nothing says ‘potential life partner’ like watching someone retch into a paper bag but still wanting to kiss them (albeit after a dose of Wrigley’s). The top-of-LA date goes well, even if it’s another unimaginative cost-saving measure. Vanessa appears to be toasting with water. Is she teetotal or merely still a bit queasy? The less said about the Olympic group date the better. Astrid got her man but possibly at the expense of her bustline. Dominque grumps her way to a quick ride home. In fraternity rush week we had an oft-used phrase: ‘Nice guy – Theta Chi.’ It meant a particular applicant would be a better fit down the street at one of the more nondescript houses. Sarah is earning her ΘΧ letters but unjustly, in my view. In almost any other season she would be a frontrunner – bubbly, cute, teacher, house agony aunt, even-keeled. Nick, who borrows freely from the personality of his partner to augment his own deficiencies, has barely given Sarah a second glance. His loss. Whitney is another all-but-invisible figure who nevertheless impresses with her graceful strut. Maybe there’s something to this Pilates palaver. Raven is sacrificing her own chances, even if she doesn’t know it yet, by having the Mom Talk: ‘She’s no good for you,’ etc. Guys don’t want to hear it, even if they know it. And they usually do. The pool party quickly descends into a form of waterboarding for hapless Nick. The claws are out and he is subjected to a half-dozen variations on the ‘I’m questioning what your intentions are’ speech that we’ve all heard for 21 seasons. Vanessa in particular is getting verrrry possessive. Taylor the rather judgmental counselor clucks her tongue in disapproval – but then she’s been doing that from the start. Tsk tsk tsk! Bad Nick! The moral of this fractured fairy tale: an adult male shouldn’t use bouncy castles. He especially shouldn’t dry hump a neurotic, mollycoddled bleach blonde in a bouncy castle when he is simultaneously attempting to romance a dozen other women who are watching it all.

Chris Harrison is shifting from safe slightly older married (now divorced) guy to still-youthful school principal. His pep talk, however, is repeated verbatim every season: ‘When you get time with XYZ, make the most of it.’ Really helpful stuff, this. The group date commences and Corinne is interviewed first in the most obvious bit of foreshadowing since Rey’s Rebel pilot rag doll was spotted on the shelf at the start of The Force Awakens. Love, Making A Connection, Spending Time, et al are important to the Bachelorettes, but more important to the producers are budget-easing corporate tie-ins so the ladies are driving…Buicks. As in your Uncle Fred’s sedan make. Yes, they’re convertibles and yes it’s a sunny SoCal day but the gals are herded in quickly before it dawns on them they’re not riding in BMWs. Corinne has ‘never been a bridesmaid.’ She regards this as coincidence but perhaps she’s overlooking some of the prerequisites such as a) having one or more friends who would ask her and b) having one or more friends who are actually getting married. Danielle L appears to be making life dead easy for the production makeup department as she’s turned out to perfection in every interview so far. Sarah is excited to be ‘going on a date with Nick’…never mind about those other 11 females tagging along. Nick appreciates the women’s interest ‘despite his dating past.’ Er, Nick, as the saying goes it’s not the long fall that kills you, it’s the landing. In your case, landings plural. Danielle hits the door at a dead run to outpace the pack behind her, her tied-off top struggling to contain her assets (TM dailymail.co.uk). Corinne lays some Yiddish slang on us – to be fair, who among us hasn’t gotten ‘a little schvitzy?’ Oy. Franco the photographer appears to be an escaped SNL Chris Kattan caricature with his rainbow jumpsuit, accented English, dramatic gestures and mirrored shades. Themes and gowns are issued except for the glum bridesmaids and Brittany, who has received some Jungle Jane bottoms and no top. Brittany deftly employs the oxymoronic ‘literally like’ speech affectation. Linguistics is going the wrong direction in the new century. Taylor? Is still uptalking? And doesn’t appreciate Corinne’s open declaration of her intention to kiss Nick? Memo to Taylor: if you’re worried about being ‘psyched out,’ you’d better focus less on her words and more on the white bikini top Corinne is barely wearing, to say nothing of Brittany in her Clairol Herbal Essence monokini and strategically placed hair. Sarah, it must be conceded, is burying herself in the Vegas bride part and hamming it up on cue especially contrasted with the tepid, awkward Hailey. Despite Alexis’ claims, Nick as a biker is as convincing as Fat Albert as an Olympic sprinter. Random kisses ensue. Taylor is not happy and uses various forms of ‘connection’ a dozen times in a sentence. Anyone who uses the grammatically incorrect ‘between he and I’ because they think it makes them sound intelligent automatically goes in the Root Against column. Liz has some guns but not the veiny gym-vixen type. Pretty Kristina has the Jen Saviano/Samantha Steffen serene thing going on with, regrettably, a corresponding amount of minimal camera time.. Josephine has that goggle-eyed ‘wore glasses til age 20 and now struggles with contact lenses’ look. Corinne is getting the full Bunny Boiler edit but she’s making the producers’ lives easy with her commentary and deranged jealous gnawing of her fingers. We see a glimpse of all the crew in gray t-shirts in the background as they maneuver the SteadiCam in front of the ‘brides.’ Corinne wants Nick to experience the Corinne side of Corinne. Or was that the other way round? In either case it involves getting her baps out. But the photographer, no stranger to what is euphemistically called glamour photography, rewards Corinne for her, er, front. It’s the worst-case scenario for Taylor who is spotted grinding the fillings out of her molars. The producers are missing a trick by not assigning seats or having the Bachelorettes draw lots seats at the cocktail parties. The reactions to a good or bad seat would make for quality footage. Corinne, now fully playing the role of Veruca Salt, does her Daddy I Want My Very Own Bachelor and steals Nick yet again with the also-rans completely at a loss. Of course, the Bachelor himself doesn’t have the presence of mind to actually converse with nearly a dozen other women assembled there. To make herself more annoying Corinne/Veruca is repeating words many many many times. Nick has decided the best way to select a life partner is to lock on like a barnacle upon sitting down – none of that old-fashioned conversation. Raven is given the most obvious off-camera producer prod in history as she interrupts. The Steal Rule should go away. Now. Raven squanders her chance by conducting a job interview and calling Nick a ******* but reassuring him she likes ********s. Veruca’s had a skinful of wine and opts for efficiency by trash-talking her peers as a group. Her bete noire Taylor is reciting her resume and…Veruca is back. Gumby – sorry, Nick – gives it every male’s ambivalent, default greeting: ‘Hey you!’ Taylor is not impressed but turns the tables on Veruca who is incensed at being ‘re-interrupted’ (when was the first interruption?). Nick’s body language with Taylor is nothing short of tragic (for her). He is leaning as far away from her as possible and fidgeting mightily. Taylor is giddy but officially in the Friend Zone. Nick has squandered the group part of the group date by barely conversing with more than half of them. Next AM, Corinne hilariously claims Nick ‘listened to her’ when 90% of their interaction was purely physical. Danielle M and her dimples get a 1-on-1 date helicopter ride that comes somewhat early in the season with a Bond-style landing on a yacht. Liz has a massive and massively unattractive back tattoo (possibly tautological) and entices Christen with ‘I have a secret but don’t want to spill it’ only to spill it with very little provocation. Now Christen is Bearer Of The Secret Knowledge That Won’t Stay Secret For Long. Speaking of secrets, Nick is unburdening himself to Dimples, who has more than a passing resemblance to Tea Leoni. Now it’s Danielle’s turn, who has a much more serious, tragic story. The producers are relieved that it’s much easier to stage a romantic dinner on an already-clean Santa Monica street than it is sweating blood trying to dress up third world blight. Fair play to Danielle who absolutely walks it to a rose. Does Kristina have an Eastern European accent of some kind despite her Lexington KY hometown? [EDIT: she’s Russian! Very enticing.] Her bio states she was adopted as her real mother was an alcoholic. The museum is mostly a dud, with lots of crossed arms, adjusting of hair and hands on hips by the bored B’ettes. A clever lad, not necessarily Nick, might perceive that girls who are good at improv play-acting might be equally fake beyond the walls of the museum. As predicted, Josephine’s full-on slap was play-acting (albeit the method kind) that was portrayed as genuine angry violence in the season previews. Liz is mistaking real drama for fake drama and Nick is not best pleased. Once again, body language tells the real tale. Nick is back to scratching his cheek as a means of blocking his mouth and face with non-starter Josephine. Contrast this with his determined clutching of Kristina’s hand. Christen is talking herself rapidly into the Friend Zone with the go-between act. Finally, the Nick/Liz showdown and Liz has worn…a kitchen apron. But there won’t be any cooking with Nick. Oven off. Lights out. Is she actually surprised?

If ABC and Fleiss are going to recycle, then we are entitled to cite the GIGO principle: Garbage In, Garbage Out. I’ve given most Bachelors the benefit of the doubt even when they painted themselves unnecessarily into corners but Nick has squandered chance after chance through immaturity and cowardice yet they’ve given him the ultimate second (third? fourth? fifth?) chance with an entire season and bevy of females to himself. Failing upward? This jammy SOB is failing into low-earth orbit. Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG) Nick's status as an object of fascination, to say nothing of desire, on the part of the producers and the B’ettes remains a mystery. He’s worked out, grown his extremely passe tough-guy beard and the camera shots and editing are palpably desperate in their attempts to portray this resolutely Beta male as the Ultimate Hunk Of Masculinity. Whatever we might have thought of Brad, Jesse or even Ben they were blokes’ blokes and the red blood coursing through their veins was nearly audible. Or was that the nonstop cymbal crescendos as punched in by the audio engineers? As Lieutenant Keefer said of Captain Queeg in ‘The Caine Mutiny,’ Nick is crawling with clues. Nick has that 21st century affected Pajama Boy speech pattern and softness/pitch of voice. Fair dues to anyone who struggles with a speech impediment but his lisp only reinforces this. He frequently casts his eyes downward during his one-on-conversations and his on-camera pieces. When angrily confronted, as we was during Kaitlyn’s season, he locks in and stares holes in the floor. He is elliptical in his conversations because he is instinctively dishonest but also because he fears telling the truth. His constant efforts to avoid frank and direct talk annoy men because that is not Guy Code (TM) and those efforts also annoy women as he is more evasive regarding emotional matters than even they are. Nick admits up front to conversational unease but stops short of admitting that putting his hand in front of his mouth, scratching his cheek, resting his head on his hand, etc. are all red warning flags of distress. He dresses like an adolescent, favors juvenile-looking sneakers including some that masquerade as dress shoes, wears an inordinate amount of jewelry/accessories and indeed looks very out of place and uncomfortable in adult suits and ties. In sum: not a fan of Nick. At all. Ben is there. He may have something worthwhile to contribute, except he spurned the female fusion reaction that was Jo Jo. Dodgy judgment. Ben: ‘Don’t change who are you are for this.’ Er, isn’t he intentionally doing that already? Sean is there: ‘Some people saw Nick as this giant toolbag. But…’ No buts, Sean. He was. Farmer Chris is there, notable mostly for squandering his chances by being more wooden than a cigar store Indian. The ex-Bachelors are also suffering from scraggly beard syndrome. They should be forced to binge watch DVDs of Miami Vice as aversion therapy. Relationship advice from a teenage sister is a shaky start, it must be said. Rachel is an ambulance chaser who will no doubt be a harsh cross-examiner if she doesn’t get her way. Danielle L. is groomed to the hilt and will almost certainly be pressed into service as the manicurist. Vanessa’s snakeskin pants and stiletto heels are, shall we say, a bit risqué for the classroom. Josephine is worried about someone handling her ‘energy.’ Translation: she’s bipolar and has the long-suffering cat to prove it. Raven is either playing up to a stereotype or is reading her lines dutifully – ATVs, the Bible, football. Corinne is a ‘very serious businesswoman’ who seriously runs a business her dad seriously started and owns. Seriously. Hey if it dropped in our laps we could all claim the same status. Of course, we’d have to go stir-crazy in a high-rise condo packed in cheek-by-jowl with our, ahem, loving family but at least it would be serious. Alexis the Secaucus Jersey girl sounds like a chip-on-shoulder guest from the old Richard Bey talk show: ‘Why din’t you cawl me afta awer date?’ Danielle M. is a softly-spoken Southern nurse but still has the dubious bad-girl finger tattoos, thus perpetuating the mystery: if women spend so much time worry about the appearance of their hands/nails, why do they apply unsightly blue-black graffiti to them, including between the fingers where neither they nor anyone else can make out what the design is supposed to be? Speaking of questions, there’s Taylor? Who is an uptalker? Which would drive me nuts? Especially if I was already a bit unstable and had her for a counselor? Aren’t biracial people a completely common phenomenon now, especially in large coastal cities? Liz has a past. We all do. Unfortunately, her past includes a physical encounter with Nick. Poor thing. Danielle L. arrives and has managed to wear more cleavage than actual dress. It may be painful to take that double-sided tape off later tonight but she owns salons and probably knows a good waxer. A Junior Leaguer arrives and I’ve forgotten her name already. Okie Christen looks like a lemon gumdrop. Taylor’s chat up line: ‘Everyone in the world hates you except me.’ Charming even if true. Hmmm…Kentucky Kristina is naturally beautiful despite the overdose of blusher and quietly confident. Lots of potential if Nimrod Nick can manage to spot it. Lauren is 30 and a law school graduate which, translated from Old Fleissian, means ‘hasn’t passed the bar exam yet.’ Dominique deserves a special rose (first impression or otherwise) for unashamedly declaring her real occupation of restaurant server. Ida Marie may as well carry a neon sign reading TOMBOY. We’ve been blissfully free of gimmick entrances until the eskimo and the jogger appear. And Neil bloody Lane. Hailey the photographer has a very Love Boat 1978 vibe about her with the red dress and hair (not a bad thing) but hasn’t Nick been down this road before with a B’ette from Vancouver BC? Decent native German accent from Astrid. Now the trinkets are being handed over. Tokens, honey, hog calls, stethoscopes, books, hot dogs, etc. I hate to give trade secrets away but a female who stepped out of the limo and handed over a hoppy, chilled IPA in the proper glass could write her own ticket. Jaimi is keeping the spirit of the year 2003 alive with her bull ring nose piercing. Ugh. Josephine is transmitting on the same KRA-Z FM frequency as Melissa of Pizza With Onions infamy. Run, Nick! Or don’t. It might be interesting watching you deal with a stalker. Are these ladies seriously surprised by red dress overload? It’s the most obvious choice in the universe. We don’t need a return of the rhinestone/sequin excess of some prior years but how about some beige or neutral shades? The hump joke was equally obvious. No need to repeat it. Nothing the producers can do about the rotation of planets so the rejected girls are leaving in the early morning light – a tipoff to how long the filming sessions really last (ie all night) before they are mercilessly and mendaciously edited. Corinne is being given the Bunny Boiler/intense stare edit the first night. Perhaps it’s deserved? Perhaps the multimillion dollar business is a porn distribution company? She seems to have learned all her dialogue and moves from adult entertainment. Preview segments are often more revealing than the producers would like. A core group of B’ettes is shown repeatedly – that probably isn’t down to coincidence or misdirection. Horny Nick gives way to Weepy Nick which gives way to weepy females although they were probably there already. Nick’s finale is held in a very cold climate (Finland, apparently). Is this for variety’s sake or, perhaps, because the producers don’t really like him in the end?

Spot on!

Jade's vocabulary is about 300 words so perhaps Tanner is hoping on the sly she can improve her English.

I'm fine with a cold war, catfight, snarkfest, etc. but it is tiresome watching a Clare type vastly overestimate her appeal and then wonder why her desperation is so off-putting to the Bachelor(s).

As for the finale, the BiP franchise may have created a monster since this show was initially supposed to be about casual hook-ups (long live Bachelor Pad where 'I'm developing feelings for you' was justifiably displaced by pure animal lust) but it was probably inevitable that Bachelor/ette alumni would bow to their Skinnerian training and view it as a quest to make a commitment ie carving out their own little Bachelor/ette season with greatly reduced competition. Three (successful) proposals is the equivalent of getting 7-7-7 on the first pull of a slot machine at the Las Vegas airport - it's all downhill from there for Messrs Fleiss, Harrison et al. I just wasn't able to watch and post this season but I scanned the previous episode threads as I binged-watched and regretted my inability to participate but a few words on the finale couples. I still don't think much of Nick but there was, admittedly, a big goose egg in the chemistry column with Jen. His loss. They could barely muster eye contact on dates or especially on the beach platform. Jen is W I F E M A T E R I A L and it's incredible that she cycled through two shows in such an understated fashion, possibly because she avoided the pushy/desperate/manic behavior of the others. But she has incredible bone structure, that Mona Lisa smile, a stonking bod and her body language (a trait undervalued by many) is a Shakespearean sonnet of its own. Shame on red-blooded males living within a 50- or 100-mile radius of her. Sorry to crash the Carly-Evan party but they are dorks. Perhaps this makes them well-suited but the speeches were as cringeworthy as the awkward kisses, embraces, etc. Not everyone is graceful but one might think that after XYZ period of time as a stage performer Carly might have developed some presence. I have a feeling both are big traffickers in treacly 'inspirational' quotes chain-posted to social media. 'Grace' looked as solidly convinced they were in love as an altophobic looks convinced that a bungee jump from a bridge is a good idea. Lace's ventriloquist-like speech pattern in which her lower jaw doesn't move makes every sentence. sound. very. flat. and. unemotional. I actually thought she was intriguing during her Bachelor flameout but, as this BIP season demonstrated, take away the booze and she's a bit of a dial tone. Grant's a nice enough bloke but he displayed more emotion during the rough patches than he did on Proposal Day. If Andi was a water well ie very deep and dark with a very narrow emotional access point then Amanda is, fittingly, a wading pool, shallow and open to all. I'm not surprised Josh pursued Amanda but it is surprising that he went for such a Betty/Veronica contrast. If Amanda and Josh had a deep conversation it must have landed on the editing room floor because their 'love' appears to be predicated strictly on sucking face. If that's their criteria then so be it. Overall, the show had some renewed appeal once Clingy Clare banished herself from proceedings but, as events proved, that only meant Ashley I would shoehorn herself (with the willing help of the producers who relied on her as filler) into every possible scenario. The producers seem helpless against the psychological phenomena known as the primacy and recency effects ie we tend to remember what happened first and what happened last. Keen-eyed viewers will note that the solid couples generally form early and the herd mentality ensures that their peers will warn off the newcomers. To be fair, Josh was a newcomer but he was a man on a mission. The late arrivals do their level best but the odds against them are long. Perhaps they might take a page from some Big Brother seasons overseas and establish two 'houses,' allowing bonds to form in each before combining the two and hoping for chaos, romantic sparks, jealousy etc.

I knew that was Robert Rusler without cheating on IMDB first ;) He was also a similar smug SOB in 'Weird Science' with one Robert Downey Jr.

This 'choice' is unimaginative, lazy, desperate, uninspired and, to be frank, unfair. Occam's Razor says there are a finite number of possibilities and the most likely one is that ABC/Fleiss' casting calls failed miserably. There is the very real possibility that gainfully employed bachelors who don't live with mom and dad and who have a shred of emotional maturity were quite thin on the ground but this is still a very populous country so the needle is pointing toward The Fix Was In ie reality TV is giving way to episodic TV as the producers are hoping and praying that The Life & Times Of Nick will bring in a preestablished audience based on his pratfalls in previous seasons that can be pitched to advertisers. Cynical but there it is. I'm straddling subjects/boards here but Jen was far too good for him so that result pleased me greatly (call me, Jen!). As others have noted, he is on the wrong side of his 30s now. Bachelorettes, especially those who are childless, are mostly 25 and younger, especially when the camera is so unforgiving on the weight/wrinkle/complexion fronts. An age difference of a decade or more is a very real possibility, although the female ages may shift up a bit to comport with his. But do we want a gaggle of neurotic Clares whose clocks are clanging louder than Big Ben?

After consulting with some trusted female advisors, I'm given to understand that these 'I don't get/understand/see' formulations are an oblique expression of disagreement and disapproval. As a trusted male advisor to myself, let me reassure the masses that JoJo is, in fact, sooooo sexy/truly sexy for reasons previously stated upthread but repeated here: skin tone, hair, figure, wardrobe, body language, voice, personality, etc. etc. She wore plenty of casual clothing throughout this season including jeans (Chicago trip) and jean shorts (rooftop helicopter fiasco, island hopping). I am, of all things, a hand man. I believe they reveal much about underlying bone structure, body proportionality, etc. Ray Charles, famously blind, was noted for his grabbing of women's arms and hands to assess their overall physical condition. It's also why I object to tacky 'nail art' since manicures, as the name implies, are meant to accentuate and compliment the natural form (mani=hand) and not to be the focus unto themselves. I may be overegging the pudding but JoJo's hands were equally attractive. A perusal of her Instagram feed provides very convincing visual evidence that her bustline is, in fact, natural based on a variety of outfits and poses. But even if it were not the enhancements are appropriately sized for her frame and achieve the desired goal of increasing her overall appearance and appeal as opposed to numerous contestants in the past. As a poster elsewhere noted, JoJo pulls off the rare feat of being simultaneously cute AND hot. Unlike some of the blonde Barbie types reliant on youth and taut features, her chances are excellent of being just as attractive (adjusting for age/audience) at age 30, 40 even 50 (provided she avoids some of her mother/stepmother's regrettable misadventures). JoJo no doubt opted for a close-fitting finale gown but some of her knockout dresses earlier in the season were anything but skin-tight eg the red dress at the mansion which had a very drape-like quality thanks to the material used. Moreover, if a lady is a Secretariat-caliber clothes horse in terms of size/figure/assets, must she avoid dresses/clothes that compliment said figure or fit her properly? Are baggy or oversized clothes (beyond sweat pants or pajamas) necessary to placate the critics? It does seem to be a rather unfair Catch 22. Spectacular? Most definitely. The producers apparently agree and knocked the conventionally attractive Caila aside for the She's Got That Certain Something Extra Joelle Fletcher.

-I type this having not watched AFTR (somewhat intentionally) and only a single viewing of the finale. The terms ‘good’ and ‘bad’ seem to lose their meaning or even swap places (eg so bad it’s good) when discussing the players, scenarios and outcomes of reality TV but they are handier than ‘enjoyable’ etc. -I’ve always tended to lose interest as the field narrowed because the choice is usually obvious. Then there is the numbing repetition of taped footage or the same thoughts from the same three people. It’s much more interesting when there’s competition, resentment, etc. along with the Bachelor’s kid-in-a-candy-store giddiness as his hormones melt his brain. -Given the point above, the Lauren choice was so apparent for so long that she and Ben didn’t (or couldn’t) do much to convince themselves or us otherwise, nor did the producers. Lauren’s claim of uncertainty rang a bit hollow although the self-doubt gene seems perpetually dominant in women and I believe her tears were down to nothing more than big-match nerves. -JoJo was as sympathetic a character as any runner-up has ever been. Her combination of diffidence, guile and raw sex appeal had Ben on tenterhooks throughout the show. She was never more honest than at Wrigley Field when she questioned aloud her preparedness and willingness to risk emotional hurt. It was doubly cruel for her to commit so late in the game only to face a worst-case scenario. -Ben’s choice was logical but also a bit cowardly and rash. I am convinced that had this show run another month he very well might have changed his mind and/or his heart. From his neck up, Ben saw ‘his person’ in Lauren. Blonde, fair, petite, etc. He could easily envision them together on their Christmas cards, in countless selfies, in a wedding, in a birthing suite, etc. In his eager-to-please quest she was a safe bet to take home to his domineering mother and, as someone who deals with the troublesome and unpredictable public every day at work, Lauren could and would have Mom eating out of her hand. -The dark/light dichotomy of the two finalists could not be more appropriate, since JoJo presented the antithesis of Lauren’s anodyne safety. JoJo was openly conflicted and presented a challenge – in other words, she was irresistible to the male’s primal hunter/gatherer instinct. Of course, it didn’t hurt that her physique – not too bony, not too curvy, muscle tone but no sinew and a skin tone handed down from the gods (and blissfully free of clumsy graffiti that would deface her gift) – would have any male’s eyes on stalks. If she was going to fall at the final hurdle she would do so in a gown that a mere handful of contestants in the entire history of the show would dare try on, let alone wear throughout the day. -Fair play to her for attempting to get some uncensored honesty from Ben in the hotel bathroom. I honestly thought she was leading him to the bed chamber – in my mind, she would have pipped Lauren at the post through purely physical means but she had more self-respect than that. Although fascinating to eavesdrop on the pair I thought they deserved some privacy and wished they’d had the sense to run a faucet or the shower which would have stymied the sound recordist. -JoJo’s lengthy sales pitches seemed genuine but, in hindsight, also a rather obvious tip-off that she knew the end was nigh. She probably regrets them now especially as Ben was mostly unresponsive (another tip-off) but half measures aren’t her style. -JoJo’s lament about competition may have rung true in the Bachelor hothouse but as a red-blooded male it defies credulity to imagine that she would have any trouble attracting an army of suitors. -It probably isn’t coincidence that since Chris Harrison obtained a producer credit that this show has become absolutely penurious. The dates, the locales, the activities and the food (even if uneaten) simply must be improved by prying the wallet open again. They are damaging their own prospects for recruiting contestants since the prospective contestants see the same old properties in the same old countries (a result of quid pro quo advertising deals) and hear the stories of boredom, isolation, etc. from Bachelor alums. -By the same token, faulty and/or inadequate recruiting is defeating the very purpose of the show. It’s all very well to blow-dry and dress up 20-25 women but when all but 4-5 of them are obvious no-hopers (or cast simply for comedy, emotional upheaval or almost certain bad behavior) the suspense factor drops early and rarely recovers. If you read between the lines during the show you will note the Bachelor’s dissatisfaction with his choices as expressed in ambiguous language and when he damns certain girls with faint praise. ‘Susan is unusual and I haven’t met someone like her before’…’I’m not sure what I’m getting with Beth’…’I haven’t really gotten to know Jane yet’…’Julie intrigued me on the first night but we haven’t talked much since then’…etc. Perhaps the most reliable signal that the Bachelor isn’t interested is when he says ‘I’m looking forward to spending more time with XYZ’ instead of ‘I can’t wait to see XYZ again’ or ‘XYZ is a knockout.’ -If the producers won’t improve the raw ingredients then they need to find a way to improve each contestant’s chances of getting a fair crack of the whip above and beyond date cards and the inviolate rule of ‘Can I steal Ben for a minute?’ If these women are going to dedicate such a significant portion of their lives exclusively shouldn’t they get an opportunity to compete properly? Perhaps Ben/Lauren was inevitable but Jennifer, for example, might have been a distinct possibility had she ever had a ghost of a chance to interact with Ben beyond their rather productive first encounter. -On one hand I’m glad she’s the Bachelorette over Caila…I’ve gone from ‘not watching’ to ‘watching with fervent interest’…but given the quality of Bachelors recruited over the years I don’t relish the prospect of her choosing Mr. Kind Of Right simply because she feels obligated to do so. I was dubious about Caila because she had a single mode of talking, interacting, etc. I think the producers noticed this too, noticed the audience reaction to JoJo from both males and females, watched and valued JoJo's emotional intelligence and ability to express herself in the final stages and made the switch. Based on cursory research elsewhere, Caila was not best pleased with the change but will be participating in BIP which is probably more her speed anyway.

Caila will be hopeless because she has one mode: always on. Because they are competitive and analytical, blokes want some feedback, some variety, some differences in reactions, statements, etc. When they get the 'Hi! Welcome to Outback!' hostess greeting every morning, every evening it may seem cheerful but eventually they will question, even resent, the glossy sameness since it gives them nothing to compare and contrast. Caila seems quite content to play in the 'I like you...do you like me? Because I like you...' conversational cul-de-sac until doomsday. Boring. There may be an obvious physical attraction aka chemistry that trumps the rest but Caila is a poor choice because she offers no mystery, no allure, no hidden danger that men think they will be able to navigate and win. Yes, it's about winning. This is a competition no matter how many people attempt to pretend that it isn't.

To respectfully disagree...Becca was and is the Queen of Fry. That and her terminally boring shallowness made multiple-season appearances (and late-stage candidacies) even more torturous.

-Three ladies over two hours was always going to be a challenge for The Narrative, either The Bachelor’s own or the producers'. Unfortunately, ABC chose to pad the running time with the usual surfeit of ads and endless strings of promos for their horrid, derivative and frankly bizarre sitcoms and dramas. I would ask who actually ends up watching this rubbish, let alone who might enjoy it, but I fear getting an answer to that question and discovering that many such individuals might be driving alongside me at 75 mph on the highway. Even worse, they might be driving toward me at 75 mph on the highway. -No prizes for guessing the rather obvious Final Two unless you had it from the limo entrances. Ben doesn’t seem to have worn out his welcome with the audience unlike numerous previous Bachelors but his Caila high jinks and his Torn Between Two Lovers agony cost him dear with the tongue-clucking female jury of viewers. My probable spoiler paragraph from last week was confirmed as Ben declared his love for Lauren and her blonde hair readily visible inside the left edge of the camera frame just as it was in the same shot aired last week. This show is, by design and necessity, formulaic but it does seem that the A/V editors phone it in rather frequently. -And speaking of Caila, hindsight is easy but their interactions were painfully forced all along. The Olivias of the world view it strictly as a competition to be won at all costs. Caila types are followers…they believe that if a formula is adhered to and if they steer clear of the drama that a romantic relationship should be the result. I won’t be surprised one bit if Caila has snapped out of her reverie by next week’s WTA and claims, quite credibly, that she is well over The Bachelor. Caila’s ‘stop the car I want another go at Ben’ seemed authentically unscripted but unlike so many scorned contestants (AshLee springs to mind) she couldn’t quite get to full boil and walked away a second time having gained no additional information. -Not that it matters now but Lauren was an uncharacteristically distant second to JoJo in the wardrobe department this episode, her swimsuit and salmon sweater/skirt combination being notable exceptions. Fair play to both of them for their daringly brief cutoff shorts. Lauren’s red RC dress bordered on the frumpy especially alongside JoJo’s floral dazzler which melded perfectly with the tropical environs. JoJo is the Secretariat of clothes horses even if she’s slyly aware of that fact as evidenced by her social media. We got a brief glimpse of her lace body-hugging number for the finale. Incredible. If she’s going out, she’s going out in a blaze of glory. -Do we blame Ben or the wardrobe department for his unfortunate collection of bland t-shirts, overly wrinkled linen button-up shirts and those awful canvas sneakers that make the wearer look like an overgrown Bobby Brady? V-neck shirts are out; to be precise, they were never in. Get some white Adidas or K-Swiss trainers and a polo shirt. And use the steam iron in your hotel room. -Lots of internet teeth-gnashing about Ben breaking the rules by uttering the L word before the finale - to two ladies no less - but the producers have broken their own rules more than anyone during various seasons. If they want reality this is reality. To their credit they didn’t try to shoehorn the four of them into a standard-issue RC especially when the result was known nearly an hour before. JoJo’s surprised reaction allowed a small peek behind the curtain when she said “Are you allowed to say that?” -Dates were perfunctory and almost surplus to requirements but by this stage they usually are (although Caila sealed her fate with her oddly stilted performance early in the day). You can never dismiss deceptive editing but JoJo’s date had a bit of a tepid start despite the helicopter ride e.g. she was reaching for his hand or leg rather than the other way round when he was with Lauren. -As always, it’s a shame we must wait a fortnight for The Decision, especially when the WTA episode will likely be an hour and a half of The Incredibly Annoying Olivia Show with 20 other females barely getting a look-in except to ask them for their opinion…of Olivia. I fear mightily that The Bachelorette will be Caila and I fear mightily that in choosing her they will be forced to recruit equally shallow, anodyne Mouseketeer type males. The unapologetically masculine Brad Womack seems like Cro Magnon Man compared to the parade of post-adolescent sensitive boys they have been casting. -I really do sympathize with Ben both for his torn loyalties and, more likely, his dread at letting one go and being angrily accused of lying, hypocrisy, manipulation, etc. Sadly for him, the truth will be no defense!

You raise (perhaps unintentionally) an excellent point about Caila but also about the tunnel vision they impose on The Bachelor. Caila first: she's a hothouse flower, treated like a princess by that milquetoast father and when it isn't all going 100% her way the tears and the black clouds roll almost immediately (metaphor quota reached). I don't trust people in general, but especially females, who always appear to be switched on and flood their social media with 'deep & meaningful' -- but actually derivative and simplistic -- poems, aphorisms, photos, etc. Optimism is a state of mind, not a personal advertising campaign, and as someone here has probably already noted, all the relentlessly positive stuff is often masking insecurity or something much worse, even clinical. Caila brings to mind that tiresome meme of 'If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best.' It's supposed to be self-affirming but it in reality it merely signals you are on the road to bipolar if you're not there already. And who would ever imagine another person 'deserves' them? To call it narcissism hardly does it justice. As for The Bachelor himself, Ben or other, he has a huge problem of sorts in that he only sees the made-up, blow-dried, dressed to the nines, pageant-girl version of the Bachelorettes, at least for a significant portion of the show. To be fair, both The Bachelor and the producers try to get the girls in casual, sporty, natural, etc. mode but that doesn't preclude them from sitting at the makeup mirror for a stretch even when they're putting on shorts and a t-shirt. In other words, his decision is made doubly difficult as he is dazzled by [bustlines] and teeth and chirpy-happy females fragile as bone china teacups. It's worth noting that most Bachelors, upon encountering someone with a bit of mystery, who breathes between sentences, who isn't deathly afraid of silence or stillness and who exudes even an ounce of confidence (as opposed to a oooh-pick-me sales pitch) will gravitate to that person almost immediately and be as loyal as a dog - so loyal, in fact, that he often makes life very difficult for the producers in pushing the notion that the last 5, 4, 3, or even 2 Bachelorettes are all level pegging.

-I suppose these posts must shorten as the number of females dwindles. Hindsight is easy but these were the best-looking girls of the bunch and the sheer insanity of most of the field, appearances notwithstanding, virtually guaranteed these four would remain at the end. -It’s Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth Week….Lauren’s family look like they stepped out of a Lands’ End catalog…not that that’s a bad thing. We learned her impressive-looking relation was sister Mollie not her mother but Mom was also attractive herself regardless of age. Mollie appears to be a Past Master at flirtation with her slinky sweater/tank combination, body language, glass of wine and bedroom eyes. Ben was too busy whimpering to notice. Soft lad. It might be bad form to hit on the sister but that’s what password-protected phones are for. -We cracked Caila’s genetic code with the proudly Filipino mom. Dad was a strange cat with his glued-down combover and tangerine trousers. One of my pet peeves is people who over-enunciate their words and adopt that lecturing, patronizing Mr Rogers singsong cadence. As my old man would say: ‘Take the hot soup out of your mouth.’ They never really explained, unless I missed it, what all the moving house was about during Caila’s upbringing. It was confirmed elsewhere that she attended Western Reserve Academy (private high school in Hudson) for a cool $30k per year so setting down belated roots is always a bit easier when it’s in a posh suburb/school. The obvious 'An Officer And A Gentleman' homage was accompanied by another egregiously derivative musical cue. I'm not big on lawsuits but some copyright holder/songwriter can and should nail Fleiss & Co. for such shameless pilfering. -The Amanda situation was openly tipped off last week. One kid, even a toddler, might be a possibility for a bachelor or The Bachelor. Two is an untenable circus. She really should be looking for a blended family situation where a single dad won’t experience culture shock even with three or four kids under one roof. Ben can be excused for not becoming Instant Father although he certainly spent plenty of time around kids at the youth center in Indiana. One cardinal rule is that you squat or kneel down to look at a kid at eye level. A 6-2 man towering over them only makes them more nervous and shy. -JoJo had to deal with producer shenanigans twice over. First, Roses From The Ex arrived (how did he know when she would return home exactly?) along with a letter. Given that it was handwritten wouldn’t she recognize his writing before peeking at the ‘surprise’ signature? Wouldn’t verb tenses, references to timeframes, prior events, etc. reveal that it wasn’t a Ben letter? Credit to her for clearing it up in rapid fashion but it seems she was being burdened with her past where the others weren’t. -JoJo producer shenanigans pt 2 featured some of the usual Bachelor editing hackery: sound bites and visuals intentionally jumbled up. Males can and often do adopt a mock-serious tone when teasing each other but there’s no malice intended. Of course, a stern voice and a shot of Ben gulping nervously were meant to give the impression that we had a Desiree-style Double Trouble as the brothers lost their rag and ganged up on him. They have every right to ask certain questions but it wasn’t overly hostile. Internet scuttlebutt/research reveals that one of JoJo’s brothers was on Ready For Love (?) EDIT: confirmed upthread. His name’s Ben Patton, hers is Joelle Fletcher. The mismatching surnames were never mentioned and therefore never explained but perhaps it’s another case of blended families? -The ladies finally explored the section of the wardrobe labeled ‘knockout.’ JoJo’s dress was, quite simply, a traffic-stopper. Wow. And wow. Lauren’s off-the-shoulder number was impressive as well as was her painstakingly-straightened hair. It was obvious that Amanda had reached the end of the line but it’s always interesting to see what mix of surprise, sadness, anger and resentment will be elicited at a RC ejection and the claws often come out once a hopeful has been sent packing. -Jamaica awaits next week along with some heart-quickening bachelorettes in bikinis. Caila opts for basic black while JoJo kills it (a recurring theme) in a Me Tarzan You Jane-inspired number. -While the editors are busy tossing out red herrings, they have failed the most basic task ie maintaining the suspense.

The reality part of Reality TV is that long stretches, even hours, are spent off-camera while lighting, sound and camera setups are done. This is one reason the talking head interviews seem so silly as the participants are plucked off the frontline just as their adrenaline begins to flow and asked to do a mostly pointless 'today we are doing XYZ activity' intro. It's also why there are so many continuity errors with the show cast wearing tomorrow's outfit talking about today's events or vice versa. The time-space continuum is in grave danger on The Bachelor. In the case of the food it's mostly/entirely a prop...an excuse to get the couple to sit down (always at 90 deg angle so both can face the camera and each other as opposed to opposite sides of the table as many (most?) normal people would do to converse. All politicians and celebrities are advised never to be photographed or filmed while eating...it simply isn't a good look and the potential for disastrous and embarrassing images is immense. The food itself quickly becomes inedible, even dangerously so, after sitting idle under hot lights and the elements. This was also a complaint on the Downton Abbey set where 'dinner' involved 8+ hours of shooting. Unfortunately for the Downton cast, they had no choice but to partake.

A game date wouldn't have permitted the sort of shots/activities that are typical of the Bachelor late-stage dates, for better or worse. The Fair Use Doctrine might have applied to brief shots of action on camera and I'm sure that PR types in MLB and the Cubs would have facilitated more extensive coverage if so desired. The rights contracts are, obviously, mean to ensure exclusivity in broadcasting the game itself and, by extension, to sell advertising. But you are correct that thousands of strange faces/people might have been a logistic impossibility although they did get hundreds of Warsawans (?) on camera with the carnival without much blurring visible. It's worth noting that each MLB baseball ticket includes a disclaimer on the back that fans' likenesses may be used without permission or compensation in any live, taped or filmed coverage of games. Despite the famous namesake, the Wrigleyville neighborhood is like many other residential Chicago neighborhoods although it's relatively upscale and in-demand. Non-game weekdays/weeknights are rather quiet and humdrum outside commuting hours especially after baseball season has concluded.

-A full week on Pontoon Pond featured calmer waters than the roiling Atlantic but more emotional upheaval, although this batch was strangely subdued. -‘So Ben, describe the gals to me.’ ‘Well, X is beautiful and Y is beautiful and Z is astonishingly beautiful.’ ‘Well, son, you’ve really captured the fine distinctions between them. I feel like I know their personalities already.’ -Caila is easily the most emotionally immature of the remaining bunch and she might not have even bested Emily in that department had Emily stayed. She and Ben both know she’s sliding down the scale. -Ben threw in a dizzying array of ‘like’ in his explanation of his hometown and managed the somewhat rare and oxymoronic ‘literally like.’ -Amanda’s pronoun ‘I’ at the beginning of a sentence takes about 10 min to be uttered. -Lauren & Ben’s kids club date was, to be fair, a cheap date that actually had some utility. Quite a large spread of ages but perhaps it was an all-call for show taping purposes. Fair play to Ronnie…he appeared to be developmentally disabled but was fearless and accurate with his half-court shot. Ben’s tepid peck was hardly a worthy payoff. -Lauren uses her chin to nonverbally express mood and emotion the way a cat uses its tail. When she drops it down she is expressing complete confidence. She must have her pick of assignments as a flight attendant with pilots & passengers alike admiring her, er, work. All I know is that my flights have the same old nasty battleaxes on duty. -The poor girls stuck at the lake house couldn’t be blamed for going stir crazy during a long week. They looked bored. -JoJo’s a Texas girl but looked right at home in Wrigleyville. Of course, when you are poured perfectly into your skinny jeans like that along with your jacket and dazzling scarf you look right at home just about anywhere. The baseball date was another good choice as it certainly grabbed Ben’s full attention. If you’re familiar with the history of the Wrigley Field lights then you know it must have taken some string-pulling to get permission to light them on a non-game night especially during or after the playoff series in which the Cubs ultimately lost (the playoff logos were painted over but still visible on the field in addition to the #14 in honor of Ernie Banks). The Wrigley lights were strongly and successfully opposed by neighborhood residents. Night games weren’t played until 1988, decades after night baseball was preeminent in all other ballparks. Since then the number of night games has slowly increased but day baseball is still the thing at Wrigley and rightly so. -JoJo and Ben have the Sean/Catherine intertwining body language. -JoJo sounded as if she might be taking an exit ramp but Ben eagerly talked her back onto the freeway. -Lauren and JoJo – what a contrast, eh? Betty & Veronica. Sugar & Spice. Salvation & Sin. Mary Ann & Ginger. They don’t appear to be especially friendly or seem to confide in each other (as probably befits the top rivals) but they don’t have any animosity either. Probably no coincidence that their dates were 1-2 in the running order. -Meanwhile, back at the lake house, we had the Dim Bulb Four with three of them ‘winning’ a group date. Wheeeee. Attention, ladies: a rowboat calls for only one (1) rower who uses both oars and pulls them in the same direction. Lauren and JoJo had the good sense to wear trainers but the group daters wore their heels. To a farm. As you do. -The ‘Not Happening’ neon sign was already brightly lit over Becca on the group date which made the RC outcome (Chris Harrison voice) THE BIGGEST NON-SURPRISE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELOR. Speaking of spoilers, the RC lineup was broadcast last week, meaning we already knew that Emily had bilged out somewhere along the way. -And now it’s carnival ride time (a Bachelor staple) and time for a lame commercial tie-in with McDonald’s. One dose of realism amidst the reality TV unreality: teenage girls snapping a million phone pics. -One reason the Bachelor will always be superior to the Bachelorette: contagious tears among the contestants and the patented lingering ‘crying shot.’ -JoJo & Lauren smiled confidently from start to finish of the RC and rightfully so. JoJo scored yet another triumph in the wardrobe department with her RC dress. -Becca, if you don’t want to deal with this sort of letdown then simply refuse any future roles on the show! She managed to unsheathe the claws and bare the fangs for a few moments. Ben’s ‘anguished’ routine is getting a bit old especially when a choice is easy and obvious. It’s understandable since he is clearly an approval-seeker in all pursuits but enough is enough. -Hometowns next and it looks like JoJo may suffer a bout of Desiree Disease ie a jealous, bizarre, hostile, mouthy brother torpedoing her chances. Amanda’s kids throw wobblers early and often…Ben’s look of horror says it all. Lauren’s mum is F-I-T! Amazing gene pool alert! Seat belts securely fastened and tray tables to upright and locked positions! Here’s to you Mrs Robinson!

-It was the Gale Episode as appalling weather and appalling behavior from The Girlz spelled a miserable week for poor Ben. People tend to forget that much of the Bahamas is on the same latitudes as Miami and the Keys. It can certainly stay warm in the late fall but storms and wind from tropical lows are common. Note that the producers weren’t willing to suspend filming even during a gale including multiple boat voyages where rolling seas are a quick ticket to seasickness. It ruined most of the dramatic element of the 2-on-1 date as all concerned were strictly in survival mode. -A Google search confirms that gale warnings were issued for the region in early November 2015. Any chance the production team might check the weather forecast before flying out? -Speaking of tight budgets, the mini bed crammed into a corner and literally covering a closet door screamed CHEAP! Does an extra room really cost that much more especially when there is a large ‘promotional consideration’ being handed over to ABC? -What can you say about Leah? She fell into the death spiral of insecurity followed by cattiness followed by longwinded jailhouse lawyer diatribes to the Bachelor’s face about her allotment of time, the unfairness of it all, etc. It all points to a ticket home even with a stealth visit to the Bachelor’s room. Lauren B isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but from all appearances she has kept herself to herself in the company of the other women, pillow fights and outtakes notwithstanding. This show’s editing is both haphazard and deceitful (the continuity errors on the 2-on-1 date were rife) but surely if Lauren B had committed any transgression the cameras would have caught it and the moment would have been replayed ad infinitum. -Sorry to see Jennifer go, especially as she did very well in 1-on-1 situations. As I suspected last week, she was largely a victim of timing and circumstance as the others got far more interaction with him. Hopefully she views it as a lucky escape! -Caila’s ‘deep’ self is as shallow as her regular self. She’s sliding quickly down the charts, it seems, and I think he intimated as much despite the usual round of soul kisses. -Ben thought feeding hot dogs to swimming pigs in salt water with rocks and coral all round to trip on and cut feet open would be ‘a fun day out?’ Either he’s dreaming or is extremely susceptible to suggestion by the producers. As with the other dates, the weather started bad and got worse. It’s always nice to see the parade of bikinis and skin, though. Lauren B was fearless in her swimsuit, rightfully so, and JoJo has a dazzling array of curves in the right locations and proportions. Ben was paying close attention to both LB and JoJo, as the other girls ruefully noted, but keen-eyed viewers will note that JoJo is the only one getting a sales pitch from Ben instead of vice versa. -Amanda again? ZZZZZZZ. Unfortunately, the second-half-of-the-season trailer showed Ben playing with the kids which means a hometown visit. -The 2-on-1 ‘date’ didn’t seem to involve much beyond being marooned on a sand bar with a bottle of wine. I wouldn’t have been shocked to see a set of dueling pistols drawn from an old sea chest. But the speechifying continued apace despite rain and sand being blown sideways at 40 mph. When Emily failed to get or give a kiss at the appointed moment I thought Olivia might squeak through again but, thankfully and finally, Ben had heard enough. -Lauren H’s fate was sealed weeks ago but she was inoffensive and lucky enough to skate through until tonight. -Looks as though Ben will be playing catchup to the ladies in the crying jag department. I do wish these SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) Bachelors would give a Patton-like speech to the full assembly of girls and tell them in no uncertain terms that he is uninterested in bitchy gossip. Boredom, downtime, Stockholm Syndrome, whatever the reason or excuse. Leave it at the house when you leave the house for a date. -With the girls openly commenting on Lauren B’s frontrunner status are the producers sandbagging us vis-à-vis the result or are they simply airing what precious little usable footage they obtain?

If last week was The Bridge Episode this week was The Taffy Episode – a small cluster of nothing pulled and stretched to infinity. Making matters worse, it was that nasty Olivia licorice flavor. -Amanda is being portrayed as someone on the continuum between the Blessed Virgin Mary and Hester Prynne. But having a child at any age remains a volitional act. Having a second one in the midst of probable or known marital or relationship strife is also volitional. And probably not a smart move. Portraying any 25 year old male as someone who wants to take on two young children strains credulity no matter how smitten with the mother he may be. -Mexico City and vicinity are known for some of the worst air quality on Planet Earth due to weather, geography and a Third World nation that isn’t concerned with environmental niceties. Jumping into a hot air balloon for an early-morning dose of smog seems something less than romantic. -Short haircut Ben has taken his share of abuse, but grown-out-hair Ben looks like Peter Brady. Get thee to a barber shop. -Is it a collective case of arrested development that has grown women jumping excitedly onto hotel beds? Most hotel beds are horrible and uncomfortable. Why not raid the minibar? -Oh dear. Jubilee’s talons have gone AWOL. Someone alert the military police. -Speaking a love language? Is that the dialect that uses ‘like’ every other word as adjective, verb and noun? -Caila and her teeny bopper nonstop silly grin are back. Except it finally disappeared during her long waits with the others. -The girls get grumpy about the date selections. When will they catch on that the producers have a vote on the pairings? -Rule #1 for tourists in Mexico: don’t accept rides that go more than 10 ft above the ground or more than 10 ft below water. -Amanda wears her vertiginous high heeled boots on a picnic. As you do. It’s a lovely napkin top she’s almost wearing. -Impressive historical ruins? To hell with that. Let’s have a picnic and canoodle. -The less said about Olivia the better. Her excessive camera time is trolling the audience and an excuse to go with a secondary storyline in planted media stories if the Bachelor’s final pairing turns out to be boring or futile. -The staged waving scenes between the Bachelor and the girls are about as authentic as a Mentos commercial. -Leah wore her authentic Mexican kimono. -The one ingredient sadly missing from the group date: fun. -Amazing how The Interrupt Rule is not invoked, enforced or even shown when Olivia is monopolizing Ben’s time. -Lauren B is fearless of any camera angle in that snug white outfit. Bags of confidence. Ben sought her out again. -Steamy sexual chemistry still there with JoJo. Watch Ben’s eyes. His unblinking stare quotient will tell you who’s he interested in. Amazingly, I didn’t hate JoJo’s mesh/lace shower curtain number. It seemed to suit her. She doesn't seem tied to current boring and off-putting fashion. More interesting than the leftover prom dresses at least. -Jubilee got her well-earned comeuppance and ticket home. I guess pouting for long stretches wasn’t such an attractive look, eh? Well done to Ben for finding at least a portion of the gonads to send her packing. Can’t deny she didn’t get a fair crack of the whip but grumped her way out of the show. -Hilarious to hear Lauren H use the term ‘Friend Zone’ because that’s where she is having her mail forwarded for the time being. Zero chemistry between them, overhyped winks on a fashion catwalk notwithstanding. -Emily took one for the team in dishing the dirt on Olivia. It probably means Ben will view her as a provocateur and send her home shortly. -To my utter amazement The Bachelor was actually swayed by the succession of girls bitching about one of their own ie Olivia. Shame that she already had a rose for clinging to Ben like a barnacle but perhaps a ‘most dramatic Bachelor’ moment may occur with the rose being revoked. -I’m rooting for the calm, collected Jennifer. Fear she has still not made a connection and got mixed up in the Hate Olivia parade. The internet is awash in unimaginative ‘Jennifer who?’ rhetoric but as we all know the editing on this show is neither proportional nor fair.