Rainsong

Given the number of retakes, staged scenes, cue-card prompts, and constant hair-and-makeup touchups a live feed would eliminate Reality completely from Reality TV.

You might call this a 'bridge' episode getting from the cattle call stage to the contender stage. Unfortunately, Olivia has crossed the bridge with the rest and is one of the most obvious producer 'give her a rose' directives in the history of the show. Ben, even his nice-guy way, is repelled by her as would any guy who constantly got the 'you have to give me a do-over' speech, as well as her annoying interruptions. Nice to see that people seated in the front row of a Vegas show on the Strip have worn their finery: flip flops and Indian head black t-shirts. With the daylight streaming in through the doors at ground level I'm guessing that admittance was free and the doors thrown open since a) it was merely a backdrop for shooting the episode and b) there was precious little entertainment on offer. Did you spot the autocue display through the window in the stage floor? Did you spot Terry referring to it during his introductions? Has the Mirage slipped badly in terms of headliners? They were once synonymous with Siegfried & Roy and magnificent beasts...now the main attraction is a puppet show. For a tense moment it appeared that Olivia's costume was caught on the hinge of the giant birthday cake and that cartoon-like inadvertent nude humiliation would follow. Sadly, it wasn't to be and we were all aghast at her sheepish bizarre bent-knee kicking routine. Don't monopolize the panic attacks, love - we feel like having one every time you're on screen. It was always going to be interesting to see if the twins would be separated and how it would be done...fair play to the producers who did it in a very orderly, believable way with all in agreement that doing it literally at home would be the least painful. Twins are a fascinating proposition...when you meet them you swear they are indistinguishable but days or weeks later their differences are very apparent. In this case, Haley acted awkward, even embarrassed and Emily didn't. Interesting that their mother confirmed our impressions and Ben's about their respective personalities. JoJo is a bit of a late breaker but has, to employ a cliche, an earthy sensuousness that Ben finds almost edible - as he demonstrated by nuzzling her neck and ignoring a massive fireworks display. They've got the sort of intertwining body language that tipped Catherine and Sean as the final match in the previous season. Lauren B still knocking it dead in her tightly-tailored clothes. Why is Lauren H still there? Hardly in the top tier of attractive birds and her FLEEEAAAT MEEEESHIGAN EEEAACCENT is tiresome. She is four-square in the Friend Zone and therefore an easy choice to send home. Jennifer was rightly frustrated at being marginalized most of the trip and then having Olivia intrude but Ben is obviously interested. She has a Mona Lisa smile that is part confidence, part come-hither and seems light-years beyond most of the pack in terms of emotional maturity and Ben seems drawn to her despite his duties elsewhere. For her sake I hope they don't leave the single date too late because even suitable women can be undone by attachments the Bachelor makes early in the process. Jubilee is a poor sport, period. She did little more than count floor tiles and cracks in the sidewalk, literally bent over staring at the floor in group settings ignoring the others. It's not being deep, layered, conflicted, or mysterious...merely rude. Why he wastes his time on her is a mystery and it appears that next episode will foist another 'I'm unlovable' Jubilee lament on us. Say it enough times and don't be surprised when Ben decides to believe you and spend his finite energy elsewhere. Caila may be cute to the female onlookers but the males recognize clingy and desperate and their flight response typically kicks in. A bit surprised to see Rachel go - I thought her looks would keep her in the game. Leah is now the dark horse and she got my attention with her Naughty Secretary glasses. Amber is more than a bit of a tomboy and just not cut out for this Disney princess palaver. Las Vegas offensive? Tacky to be sure but if we're going to start having a go at every human outpost that requires a perfectly balanced supply of natural resources and year-round temperate weather conditions our choices will be extremely limited, not to mention crowded. The blooming of the desert in NV, AZ, NM is one of man's great scientific and engineering achievements. Hoover Dam represents the kind of clean power generation present-day self-described environmentalists claim to want - and it was built 80 years ago during a depression. Lake Mead provides a water supply and a vast recreational area where nothing but a meandering rivulet and a barren nothingness existed before. Neither the dam, the lake, the cities, the economic activity, the tourism nor the lives lived by residents are a 'waste'; rather, they are the logical and laudable products of human ingenuity, perseverance and the desire we all have to satisfy any and all levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Ben is doing well but perhaps a bit too well...as others have said he's Cub Scout-eager to please. It can be tense when a rose is denied but those Bachelors were at least willing to make a difficult decision and stick with it. A 'lonely rose' may be in Ben's future but right now it's difficult to envision with his puppy dog enthusiasm. And then there's Boring Becca, whose V-plates are an endless source of fascination to some but certainly no substitute for intelligent conversation. Her vocal fry threatens to set off sprinkler systems. Nice pair of legs but her stint as a mostly-mute coat-holder at a quickie wedding chapel nevertheless managed to put a strain on her limited vocabulary and personality. As with Bachelor In Paradise, Mexico sounds exotic but its most important quality to the producers is that it's cheap. We can only hope that Olivia makes an early return from south of the border.

Haven't been promoting the story?!? It beggars belief.Jubilee has been on-screen more than any other female or is comfortably in the top three, including being one of the featured intro segments and general talking heads commentary on Ben's desirability etc. Fully 70% of this episode was The Life & Times Of Jubilee including lingering camera shots of her agonizing over the possibility of a date card and her teary-eyed moan as the cameras even circled back to her at the mansion during the group soccer date! The cocktail party, including the bizarre massage-as-bereavement-therapy and, of course, the patented 'Lemme alone! Nobody understands me!' routine all had Jubileee front and center. For a group that is hell-bent on sabotaging Jubilee's chances they are devoting copious amounts of airtime to her - so much so that three full episodes into the season half the remaining women are all but anonymous even as their numbers dwindle. It may be entirely possible that the producers are responding to regrettably predictable accusations of racial exclusion but the burden of proof is not on the producers. They can ask repeatedly for applicants. They can send out their casting agents to recruit. But if volunteers are not forthcoming they are powerless to change that. Moreover, they can manipulate pairings, dates, etc. but if there is no male/female spark then it's all for naught. The producers want a match because they want publicity and they want marketplace credibility i.e. The Bachelor/Bachelorette show actually produces marriages even if they have to manipulate, cajole and maintain illusions after the fact. That's always been the point of the show and the audience hook. All other considerations, including race, religion, class, etc. are secondary although they may produce some fleeting on-screen tension.

-The Great Jubilee Debate threatens to derail the season - and certainly this episode - but it's clear that Good Boy Ben wouldn't dream of advancing her very far so it's mostly a mock debate. I've mostly stayed away from Twitter during episodes if only because the flood of tweets is impossible to keep up with. The Jubileers can't resist the 'wounded bird' phenomenon and are pumping out sympathy. Meanwhile, many of these same Jubileers are making one nasty remark after another about her weave and the dangers (apparently) posed by pools and hot tubs. -'Layered' looks remarkably similar to PTSD - which is probably the issue here - or 'I pretend I'm deep and mysterious to mask my real problem which is a general lack of personality of any kind.' -Jubileers who are honest with themselves will admit that had any other Bachelorette pulled the massage table stunt they would have been pilloried in the house and on these pages. PS - it didn't look like Ben enjoyed it one bit nor did it have a prayer (no pun intended) of overcoming the bad news he received. -Can we take up a collection to buy Jubilee some shirt buttons? Has anyone got a single lonely safety pin in the meantime? -Speaking of hot tubs, the product placement on The Price Is Right is more subtle than this plugfest. -Olivia's slow motion pratfall began in earnest tonight and it looks like next week she will use the big stage of the Vegas Strip and Fremont Street to complete her crash to earth. -Ben must wonder privately what he's got himself into but if he has any stones at all he might have a word with the producers and casting agents that limited him, as a practical matter, to 2-3 girls out of pool of 25 that MIGHT have long-term potential, to say nothing of being marriage material. I have no spoiler knowledge but the contenders are obvious. -Lauren B continues to cruise at 30,000 feet (geddit?). A stonking bod, not too thin, not too curvy. You don't wear crop tops unless you have absolute confidence in the abs. She's used to fending off horny, drunk and desperate travelers but can also turn the eye lights on at will and Ben was getting the full sparkly display at dinner. If she had offered him a dog collar and a leash he would have asked for help in buckling it around his neck. -Lauren B ALMOST dismissed the flight as a busman's holiday, which it was to some degree, but deftly avoided too much criticism. The chase plane shooting video ruined the mood somewhat. -Stockholm Syndrome kicking in quick smart at the mansion, especially with already-needy types like Caila who is already losing the plot. -Hot New Country. Ugh. Same compression, same EQ, same production, same reverb, same chorus, same instrumentation, same studio musicians. Is it any wonder the loaves of bread coming from the Nashville bakery taste the same when they all start with the same ingredients in the same proportions? -Jojo also proudly sported some enhanced cleavage in the morning gabfest. -Let us not forget that CH was a scholarship soccer player in a prestigious program at Indiana. Why this wasn't mentioned or why they didn't show some of his skills on camera remains a mystery. -It was less of a Rose Ceremony and more of a forced march. The ladies who left didn't really deserve to stay but precious few of the others do either! -Shame about Lace. Didn't watch the Live program on which she apparently appeared but her brand of mercurial possessiveness should fit right in those malarial huts in Mexico for BIP.

First...and second...and third impressions after a longish night and watching after the fact... -The commercial load on this program and network TV in general is absurd. A two-hour program block is cut down to 1 hr 24 min with the teasers, promos, 'coming ups' etc. removed. That's 30% waste for you scoring at home. Network executives want to point the finger at competition for their death spiral but a staunch refusal to update their business model is the real culprit. -The music continues to amuse but not in the manner intended. Someone somewhere is making good money from these cheesy obvious cues. Morning=strummy acoustics. Evening=tinkly piano. Note that the needle hits the record the moment the Bachelor locks lips with a contestant. And let us not forget the omnipresent cymbal crescendos: sssssSSSSSSS. The Vangelis Chariots Of Fire pastiche (read: royalty-dodging ripoff) was a particular low point. -Lace..we want at least one crazy one to stay but the Shame N Blame routine seen so often on this program is a sure-fire loser. 'I don't feel like we've spent any time together'.....'I want you to get to know me as a person'.....'I feel like you're excluding me'.....'I don't want you to get the wrong impression about me'....etc. Blokes don't want the sales pitch or the fine print or an inventory of their minutes spent. As Yoda says: do or do not. There is no try. -Jubilee is chronologically younger but decades older emotionally. Can't they bill her as something besides a 'war veteran' as if she's a member of the GAR? -Jennifer is on easy street. Plan? Coincidence? A love match (gasp)? Whatever it is she is playing it cool, low pressure and has Ben eating out of her hand. Good on her. -Olivia getting the bad video edit in the teeth - literally. Someone in the truck doesn't like her. Ben does, obvs. -Rachel a dark horse. Still gorge. -'Ice Cube's done everything from acting to rap.' Wow! What an all-round talent! (EDIT: I didn't see the post above. Jinx!). -GoPro cameras mounted everywhere on the classic convertible. It's Southern California....there had to be dozens of vehicles beeping horns as they recognized two film stars. -Yes, let's relax and be us as we sit in a demo spa in a fully lit store! The exterior of the store is covered in razor wire. How romantic! -Caila's airplane hookup didn't lead to a loving long-term relationship? How odd. -Ladies, Chuck Taylor sneakers are never going to be cute, playful, relaxed, casual, etc. etc. They simply make your legs look thick and suggest you are batting for the rainbow team. Get some Keds, Tretorn or Adidas trainers. -Olivia thinks they have a relationship after 30 minutes total of interaction? This is bunny boiler stuff. -Fair play to the producers for coming up with a group date that is useful, meaningful, etc. The LoveLab was a highly useful stroke of genius. The women were uncomfortable? Tough. Males value objective information and Ben was no exception. -Like. Like. Like like like. Can't American girls remove this word from their vocabulary? Lauren B verbatim: "I told myself coming here today...I was, like, if I, for whatever reason, like, don't get to, like, go to the next week I was, like, you know, it's fine. I feel, like, I've learned a lot about myself and I've made, like, a lot of good friends." That's six likes ie six too many. But Lauren B gets a photo. Score! -Yeah, Ben's really jazzed about 'gaining a family.' I'm sure a single bloke in his mid 20s can't wait to take on two pre-K aged children. Ben gets...hair clips? How masculine. -Ben's 'let them down easy' sales pitch is weak and obvious. Hopefully by now the ladies have learned that if they are singled out for a compliment early they aren't getting date rose later. -The ladies aren't the only ones with naff tattoos. Ben has something 'meaningful' inscribed on his rib cage. Memo to Bachelor and Bachelorette alike: if your most profound thoughts can fit in the space of an index card, you are quite the shallow individual. -Football-hiking chick wore the littlest and lowest-cut of Little Black Dresses to the pool deck and got the suit coat offered to her. -A bomb whistle sound effect should accompany all the Lace segments. After all her possessive drama she gave a chaste non-hug to Ben at the RC. -The 'steal rule' needs to go. -Exactly what fashion is being bought in Stillwater OK?

I have, deliberately or accidentally, avoided news in the run-up to this season except, of course, to know that Ben was TB. We seem to be stuck in repetitive/similar name hell here with four Laurens and a Laura, although Laura (redhead) was sent packing. The producers, bless their hearts, just can't resist deceptive and out-of-sequence editing from the off. Ben gets a tight haircut for his big night. Ben has the tight haircut when he meets with previous Bachelors. But Ben is seen in an interview segment with longer hair, especially on the sides, talking about how excited he will be to meet the Bachelors. This would mean, of course, that Ben's hair would be as short or shorter than his poolside confab shows but the opposite is true. Ben's parents might just be within shouting distance of normal, contrasted with many previous families with all manner of divorces, step-parents, etc. His mom seems a bit domineering, however, and that might tip off Ben's choices moving forward. Hilarious to hear those Indiana accents: 'UnderSTEANDing....' Getting Bachelor advice from Chris Soules is like getting air traffic control advisories from Wrong Way Corrigan. He was literally and figuratively the odd man out given that the other two are married and fathers now. Chris had no one to blame but himself for his damp squib of a season. Memo to Ben: whatever Chris suggests, do the opposite. Sean fibbed a bit: 'Catherine wasn't even a contender until halfway through.' I can't be fussed to research it but it seems to me they were into each other rather quickly and the biggest challenge in that season was pretending they weren't. Same story every year: can't recall the girls' names (and if they call themselves girls I will follow suit) but within an episode or two we know them by rote. In the meantime, we're left to depend on occupations, features and, yes, their horrific chat-up lines and horrific-er props and pantomimes. I've had to wait many years for female fads like odd piercings and tattoos to wane and apparently I'll have to wait a few more for this center-parted hair nonsense to go away. It does nothing for most girls' appearance and for those with wide/broad/round faces or wide/broad noses it only accentuates these features/dimensions. Lace - obviously a focal point for this episode and others although the unavoidably spoiler-ish season preview segment doesn't seem to feature her. I'm glad that others here agree she is a classic beauty. I was impressed by her regal bearing in the introduction and wish more Bachelorettes would realize that mystery is 1000x more enticing than the in-your-face approach. Is Lace an ugly ducking-turned-swan? Her behavior suggests some serious insecurity but it would seem unjustified based on her looks. Still, the behind-the-scenes stories of long, boring stretches for the participants with nothing to do but drink to excess seem to be true for Lace. Onesie girl - just no. You think it looks cute and cuddly. He thinks you're a child. Bar Exam Sam - we've been there before with grieving daughters. Sad situations to be sure but they are an emotional handful. Bad skin, too, I'm afraid, and that scratchy voice is too high in pitch to be Demi Moore-type sexy. Chicken Lady - well, at least they aren't cats. Points for creativity. If you've been nuzzling filthy poultry for long stretches please keep your lips in a different ZIP code to mine. Dentist Mandi - bizarre looking and the usual forced quirkiness that is a poor disguise for needy/pushy behavior. Caila - Capital D Desperate. Sales girl is unaware of the concept of overselling, apparently. Unfortunately she may go far based on the preview clip and psycho-possessiveness is guaranteed. Shushanna - Russian or Slavic language intro could have been cute...for a sentence or two. Refusing to speak any English on camera for the first night is boring and futile. Football chick - nothing says Zero Dignity like bending over to show your ample backside within 10 seconds of meeting someone. Pony girl...just no. The twins aren't half as ditzy as they let on. Their voice registers dropped about an octave when the claws came out...as they quickly did. Can't completely dislike or dismiss them though. Jessica looked a bit like Lynda Carter and I thought she would go far. As it turned out she went far into the night with no rose. Blonde Lauren B had the flirt game firing on all cylinders. Fair play to her. Their body language was as readable as a book. Jennifer is a strong candidate...she played Ben like a fiddle in drawing compliments out of him as he cast about 500 quick glances at her low-cut dress' bustline. Lauren H - not my cup of tea but elementary teachers seem to thrive on this show, maybe because they can consciously or unconsciously manipulate men who still have little-boy insecurities. Glad to see Amber get another bite of the apple but Becca? ZZZZZZZZ. I keep hearing from male and female alike how gorgeous she is but I don't see it. And if virginity is the most interesting thing about you then you are dull indeed. Nutritionist Breanne broke not one but two rules: 1) Don't bang on and on about your occupation, whatever it might be. 2) Don't nag, scold, or otherwise offer restrictions, especially when the Bachelor is about to launch his season of bacchanalia. Men react exactly as Ben did and he rightly sent you packing. Don't remember much about Rachel but I peeked at the ABC site and she's a looker. Jubilee - The less said about the unfastened-drapes dress the better and I can't believe she made the first cut. Surely a military vet would know to use ear protection on a shooting range? From the preview clips it seems she has at least one hot n heavy dalliance with Ben which is surprising. Olivia - already has Ben eating out of her hand. When you're in TV news you're going to move frequently anyway so why not boost your image tenfold and skip the little towns on the way to a big town? Ben's eyes were spinning like slot machine reels when he watched her approach. She apparently becomes another in a long line of 'the other girls hate me' and it looks like Ben will be caught up in another stultifying round of Bachelorette drama.

Taking the BIP loop back to its point of origin, beyond the obvious scripted, suggested and heavily edited portions of the show we have 'the game' such as it is. At the risk of repetition, The Bachelor/Bachelorette shows build and retain an audience because the eliminations are guaranteed to produce tension through suspense, disappointment, sadness, joy, etc. (see also: Miss America, American Idol, et al). Bachelor In Paradise attempts to modify this and use it in a multiple-couples format but despite the rushed, obvious, desperate jockeying and you-use-me-I'll-use-you hookups there is no guarantee that the field will be narrowed in a way that corresponds to the planned schedule. In fact, the near-constant unilateral decisions to leave by many of the Bippers in the later stages must have had the producers pulling their expensive hair transplants out. Now...a show that can edit rodents and crustaceans into plausible human-animal conversations doesn't really blink when it comes to such disruptions - they simply attempt to portray the chaos as a cliffhanger with the usual mismatched reaction shots, overloud musical crescendos and Chris Harrison's 'Most Dramatic In History' shtick which has sunk below host/audience in-joke and is now squarely in the realm of self-parody whether he admits it or not. And so, in a remarkably convenient outcome that remarkably and conveniently mimicked last year's finale, Tanner & Jade got engaged. Oh, a few couples 'stayed together' at the end but they were clearly ambivalent and/or disingenuous about life beyond the lights and cameras. Then and now, the question remains: what if more than one couple were as strongly linked as Tanner & Jade? Would we see multiple proposals and would Neil Lane be reconsidering his on-camera product placement due to the cost of the freebies? Would said proposals become as boring as city buses passing by? It can be fairly said that it isn't a competition per se (as Nick pointed out) but it can also be fairly said that the result was luck but more likely deus ex machina courtesy of the producers and scriptwriters. Personal preferences aside, I'm still at a loss to understand logically why Bachelor Pad's format was jettisoned (ratings notwithstanding) considering it gave the producers everything they want or claim to want: alumni from multiple seasons thus reinforcing the brand, drunken antics, Big Brother-style scheming, crying/fighting/arguing/apologizing, sex appeal (or sex full stop) and good old fashioned greed. They could have shifted BP to Mexico for budgetary reasons but was BP really that expensive given that most of it took place at the mansion? As for BIP, the formula still needs tweaked. Date cards are fine - they bring out the usual excitement, disappointment, etc. but the producers should also be randomly assigning dates. The results could be spectacular (a couple forms unexpectedly) or a train wreck but would rarely be boring even if the dates themselves were boring for the Bippers. In addition, random or specifically chosen dates could induce jealousy, worry, anger, etc. in a heretofore stable couple. Limit late arrivals to one or two per sex and try to bring in a former romantic interest of one of the Bippers rather than someone on a Bipper's wish list. Stir them up and you will stir audience interest. A musical chairs-style competition and 'finding romance' (bleugh) are an effective pairing on TB. 'Finding romance', with at least half the field almost guaranteed to advance each week combined with....nothing much, really, on BIP leaves it looking like what it is i.e. a half-baked idea that still lacks structure.

Carly has been consistent...consistently annoying with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. It's a race to infancy between Carly & Ashley I. Carly's lament on the Bachelor was that she had never been in a stable relationship in which she was treated with respect etc. Not necessarily her fault, but if you're a bottle-blonde cruise ship singer I imagine that a) romantic encounters with passengers are frowned upon and even if they occur they will be brief/finite by definition, b) if you are a cruise ship singer surrounded by bartenders, busboys, waiters, etc. who simply want sex then you must either avoid them or yield to the hookup culture. Unfortunately for her, this means that while a hothouse let's-pair-off-and-win 'boyfriend' may look like the real thing it still isn't because it can't be.

This show has much in common with a 70s horror flick in terms of proportion. The 70s flick offered two hours of boredom with two minutes of frenzied action tacked on. After what seemed like agonizingly long months of the Joe/Juelia/Samantha so-called triangle, the producers are pouring in newcomers faster than the cabs can do the airport loop. Why didn't they do this all season? From a viewer's perspective, chaos and fresh faces are vastly preferable to watching, say, a smug Carly giving yet another exposition of how loved-up she is. Fortunately, it appears next week will wipe the smirk off her face. Not that anyone (here, at least) doubted it but Dan's sanctimonious Caring Gentleman routine was a transparent instance of what red-blooded males bluntly refer to as ****-blocking. It's the human manifestation of the bulls in the herd grunting, snorting and outflanking rivals while avoiding direct violent confrontation as they attempt to woo the females. They feign concern and conjure up some great moral objection to a cad in their midst. Suddenly the cad is gone through the most obvious 'surprise' in Bachelor/BIP history and Dan focuses intently on the target with friendship a distant afterthought. Combine this with his direct-but-cruel stiff-arming of Amber and he had a bad PR week. Didn't care much for Amber in the Bachelor season or early in this show but she is always up for a laugh and is doing everything but carrying a placard reading 'Someone PLEASE Take Me To The Sack And Ravish Me!' I gave up on After Paradise rather early in its run, so I don't know what Jared might have said (especially considering the Ashley I date has yet to air) but he is slipping from Nice Guy to Doormat status rather quickly. Reputed (and disputed) Kaitlyn hangover aside, he's surrounded by females and an intoxicating mix of scantily-clad bodies, perfume and, er, sexual tension but seems unable or unwilling to extricate himself from Ashley I and her arrested emotional development. Meanwhile, he's missed out several times over. More directly, upon being invited on the date, he should have grabbed Ashley's wrist and said 'With those nails?' The plants/edits are beyond obvious now they almost defy debate. Samantha was meant to be a femme fatale and shame on her if she willingly played along with the producers to genuinely hurt someone especially with malice aforethought. Chris Bukowski provided comic relief and inadvertently blurted out the truth (or was that Nick?) when he declared Bachelor Pad the best show in the franchise. Jaclyn's new look was striking in ways good and bad for those who remember her from prior shows but she clearly relished the opportunity to be a homewrecker of sorts and if you've read her tweets over the past year or so then you are familiar with (and appreciative of) her acid tongue. She had a thankless task given the narrow time window. Chelsie...still the same old airhead but at this point some of those lads would take a mannequin or a blow-up doll on a date. The less said about Mackenzie the better. Ashley S's ditzy act is occasionally charming, usually calculated and typically redeemed only by her looks...Mackenzie is simply a 40-watt bulb without the face or bod. Next week the Cassandra cat is set amongst the BIP pigeons and apparently tears, red faces and angry words follow although in classic Bachelor style the cause and effect portrayed may be completely unrelated. And, speaking of edits....oh hey! Chris Harrison, a camera crew and an SUV just happen to be lounging by the entrance so Ashley I can 'surprise' them and us with her request to go and, er, become a woman in full. Convenient, that.

Perhaps he mistakenly believed the BIP cast would be doing one of those tacky shirts-n-khakis-n-bare feet group photo shoots on the beach.

Juelia update: she applied her eye makeup with a chisel-point Sharpie again and glued on her 2 ft lashes. She then spent the rest of the show wiping her eyes, eyebrows and nose with her fingers without the benefit of a tissue, handkerchief or hand sanitizer. She then moaned to anyone within earshot about how hard done by she was with far too many of them taking up her cause. She then managed to 'match' a lime green skirt, black top and bright red Star Trek prop necklace while contorting her features during yet another crying jag. On a positive note, she managed to get through entire sentences without once pronouncing the final consonant of a word. I wish I could help you with the particular episode involving the above but it seems to be a mindlessly recurring plot on this show.

I'm late to the party this week - work and other mundane things - but wanted quickly to report that my wrists and elbows are sore as I did cartwheels across a hardwood floor upon hearing Clare's announcement: 'I am retiring from Bachelor-related shows.' Good riddance to this vacuous, overhyped, unfunny, unsexy gooseberry. She can take her kimono to Seoul and stay there or suffer at home with her neurotic siblings. As long as she keeps her promise.

The huts, buildings, etc. of that resort are insanely close to the high tide line, which is where all the sediment is laid down by the waves, eventually creating the mud. One reason I prefer beach trips offshore is the freedom (ironically); the sue-'em-all lawyer culture doesn't exist. Therefore, snorkeling, personal watercraft, Zodiac boats, etc. are your responsibility but you can go where you like and do what you like. Contrast this with stateside rentals, excursions, etc. that are B-O-R-I-N-G and typically involve a guide breathing down your neck and a rulebook thicker than that of Alcatraz. For example, JJ darting in and out of the sea stack would be verboten here despite the fact that a) they disturbed nothing and b) survived the encounter with ease. The point is that there would be more space between the resort and the sea in the US via building codes but down there the lack of separation means the mud is right at the doorstep.

Wouldn't the budget be smaller if they found an actual dead horse to flog into a million pieces and simply filmed that? Joe. Juelia. Samantha. Rinse. Repeat. Make photocopies. Make exact digital copies. I can't take another week of this non-story. Juelia got used for a day and a rose. She's gullible. She learned a lesson the hard way. The End.

'Bye, Felicia': a quote from the film 'Friday' starring Ice Cube & Chris Tucker featuring a mundane-turned-eventful, er, Friday in an LA neighborhood full of comedic characters. Felicia is the burnout sister of Ice Cube's girlfriend who appears several times begging for drugs, money and even the use of a car. Ice Cube's patience with her ran out long ago so his response is a curt 'Bye, Felicia.' Not exactly the stuff of Hollywood screenplay legend but it's become a catchphrase nonetheless.

When you're wrong, you're wrong, and I was wrong about Joe 'doing a Nick' by communicating with Samantha and essentially rigging the process even if neither could be sure of the timing of their respective arrivals. Perhaps there was a threat of a labor action by the editing staff but mercifully Clare (who has been reduced to unfunny comedic relief) and Ms. Pac-Man (aka Ashley I) had mere cameos in this episode which might have been titled 'The Life & Loves Of Ordinary Joe.' Perhaps they locked Samantha in a hotel room for a week but this pageant girl was hot to trot upon arrival. There can be no doubt that she was told, asked, encouraged, whatever to launch herself at Joe and that's exactly what happened to his everlasting delight. Those condemning Joe for Playing The Game are, to some extent, missing the point because that is the only way to remain on the show. At the risk of tooting my own horn, however, I pointed out last season that The Game does not necessarily lead to the desired outcome ie a committed, even engaged couple if participants in The Game must play the adult version of musical chairs in order to stay on. Fleiss, Harrison et al are hoping that with enough urgent voiceovers, ham-fisted edits and those ubiquitous cymbal crescendos (ssssssssSSSSSSSSS!!!!) you won't notice the disconnect between rules and objective. Shows like this and the UK's recently-completed Love Island all share this contradiction both in terms of gameplay and audience interest. A subset of the audience wants harmony, peace and, yes, love via couples forming at the earliest opportunity and remaining stable. But that's boring to many, not least the producers. And so the contradiction arises when the 'free radicals' bounce around trying to find a mate for purely political reasons. Drama needs conflict and there is little drama in loved-up couples snuggling in a hammock for hours on end even with the voyeuristic aspect. Which brings us back to Joe/Samantha/Juelia. Juelia is, depending on your views, foolish, desperate or delusional in both her expectations for BIP or her expectations of Joe specifically, with or without Samantha's arrival. It's a shame but not a surprise that Jade has thrown in with the tar-and-feathers crowd...but she has clearly always been a follower. Exactly why Dan believes it's his place to stick his oar in is a mystery, along with his stated desire to inflict bodily harm on Joe whose crime, apparently, is changing his mind. But wait - isn't that exactly what Dan is doing with his cold-feet routine that has left Ashley S in a rather feisty mood? Granted, Dan isn't changing partners - yet - but he will have no choice if he continues down that path. Juelia has adopted many females' time-honored circular method of inflicting emotional hurt on the person who inflicted the original emotional hurt by asking questions that have no satisfactory answers ie they are meant simply to ratchet up the tension and - she hopes - transform her anger into his guilt. It's been more or less scientifically demonstrated that males get tongue-tied under emotional stress. The so-called stoic, callous, unfeeling lack of response from males so often bemoaned by women actually has a psychological and physiological basis. But Juelia is 30 years old, is a widowed mother and still can't deliver a sentence that describes her feelings without redundant 'I feel like....' preambles, adolescent cliches such as 'I've been played' and/or outright prompting from Dan & Jade? First of all, Juelia, the situation could not be more obvious. Your unwillingness to countenance reality is not the fault of Joe even if he's acted like an unmitigated cad. You can get upset about holding the short straw but your claims that you are mystified by events is either a) a red-flag warning that you lack intelligence or b) simply an especially annoying drawn-out way of bitching in a place where the surfeit of downtime can get oppressive. In any case, your constant running of fingers across eyebrows, under eyes and along nose while you cry at length is massively distracting. Are there any tissues on Planet Bachelor? At the risk of piling on, Juelia's speech pattern is maddening, most notably her tendency to draw her chin in at the end of a sentence. This restricts the movement of her jaw, teeth and tongue and prevents words from being enunciated correctly. Say 'I went to the store to buy some milk' while drawing your chin in before the word 'some.' Instant Juelia! Psychologically, she's a fascinating case study. It's a physical manifestation of her lack of confidence born of obvious emotional damage. She is literally pulling back from perceived (but imaginary) danger like a turtle pulling its head into its shell. Speaking of a lack of intelligence, along comes Megan. Ashley S has more or less perfected the head-in-the-clouds act but is actually quite intelligent, especially emotionally, and knows when to turn the act on and off as she has with Dan (she also looked Bailey Quarters-hot in her glasses. Wow.). Megan, on the other hand, is plain old ignorant. Her volume of speech and giggling are defense mechanisms - along with a formidable pair of assets - and she's obviously received reinforcement from the producers and the wider world to carry on the act lest people discover what a dull, dim bulb she is. Kirk sees himself becoming whipped in real time but has apparently gladly accepted his fate. However, the Ep 1 teaser reel shows Carly in floods of tears so maybe it's the usual red-herring setup.

Dear Tenley: SHUT UP FOR FIVE SECONDS. Other than that, AP went from bad to worse in week 2. The co-host Jennifer is trying her Kathie Lee/Kelly Ripa routine, frantically talking about her real-time reactions and invoking the name of her husband (supposedly famous individual, no idea who it might be). The producers probably had visions of Big Brother's Little Brother and similar shows but this format and the questions are too tightly controlled especially with CH sitting there cutting off discussion lest any spoilers be revealed. By the same token, having the contestants as guests is nonsensical; it's as if a football player showered and in his civvies were watching a live game in which he was participating. If a BIP participant is appearing onscreen without a) an engagement ring or b) exhibiting emotional devastation then it lends credence to the theory that the whole thing is a put-on. The latter is quite possibly true but why tip it off?

Channeling Joe here...the odds were slim that he would have been able to 'do a Nick' and make a connection with someone 2,500 miles away via a few text messages. It's also unlikely that attractive Samantha in CA would have interrupted her life for somewhat-average Joe in KY even if he visited her but she's obviously willing to interrupt it for some TV time and both of them are happy to enjoy a beach vacation on someone else's nickel. Joe is counting on limited numbers and severely limited competition, thanks in large part to at least three males removing themselves as threats by pairing up already. In sum, Joe was counting on the fish-in-a-barrel factor. Joe is also keenly aware of the game aspect and aware of the male/female give/take rotation at the RC. Of course, that rotation could be changed on a whim...

It is sharp practice indeed to offer two episodes per week and still leave a RC cliffhanger. I'm squarely in the schadenfreude zone with Clare and her emotionally needy act and sense of entitlement since she first appeared on screen. Jade vaulted up several levels in my book for her clear-eyed description of Clare's antics and for fearlessly upbraiding Clare at the RC. Naturally, Clare had to make ANOTHER scene with an exasperated CH offering one of his shopworn phrases: 'Pull yourself together.' He may as well have looked at his watch and tapped his foot but can you blame him? Unfortunately for the guys, 7 roses for 9 of them becomes 6 roses if Clare can't or won't get a grip. Jared could have been more tactful in giving her the brush-off. But didn't we see these two have a breakfast-table kiss in the teaser reel from Ep 1? As for Jared's other half, Ashley I remains hopeless at the basics, including her insistence on a running commentary during a mash session. The Joe/Samantha/Juelia thing has been telegraphed and now openly tipped off with the preview video. I can commend Joe for his choice of objective but his treatment of Juelia is and will be cruel. I'm not sure it's 'emotional abuse,' to use Ashley S's phrase especially since that term is overused and misapplied these days but it is still rather cold and devious. Joe is simply playing the game as others, male and female, have before him. Frankly, I'm surprised Seemingly Sophisticated Sam would entertain Joe's advances but the evidence is undeniable. Joe is probably the object of much hate, especially from female onlookers, but it must be said that he had three people - including two rivals - eating out of his hand, apologizing above and beyond the crime of a bit of gossip and he even managed to send Jonathan into floods of tears. Behind the aw-shucks demeanor is a poker player. Tenley with a bit of a shocker but her body language was always a bit stiff around Michael (eg her reaction to the sudden kiss) and when she talked about butterflies (still) with Josh it was all but confirmed for the keen-eyed viewer. I'm not sure why JJ would be surprised but perhaps he's just reacting to his dwindling chances to stay any way he can.

While I endorse your view, this is Disney-owned ABC we're watching so it had to have someone's blessing before going to air. Perhaps they decided the 'buzz' would be worth more than the cost of what Disneyites term 'bad show.'

Well the cats are amongst the pigeons now with more cats to arrive. But first, a note on the music: the pizzicato string motif is being worn threadbare already. Apparently it's meant to convey comedy or lighthearted moments but enough is enough. Credit for the surf guitar pastiche that played over the boogie board credit sequence. Joe is clearly being given the Awkward Edit. Carly, still determined to act as if she's 12 for the rest of her days, doesn't need to point out that it's awkward. We already know. Juelia is being played for a fool but like too many of the other females she is Desperate with a capital D. She did look good in the lacy black top and white shorts although those lashes need to be left far behind. Juelia avoids pronouncing the end of words, substituting a glottal stop for a consonant (e.g. she doesn't pronounce Ts) similar to what a Cockney in England would do. In this she is the opposite of Ashley I who often omits the first letter of certain words (I 'an't 'elieve we're 'oing on a 'ate). I still think JJ is a plonker but as a card-carrying cynic I have to acknowledge another member of the lodge. However, his similes and metaphors are getting a bit too lazy and obvious. Needs to up his game. Jonathan knows he is facing a one-way ticket to Palookaville but seems unable or unwilling to do anything about it. Tenley is over the moon that she is a point in a love triangle but it was bad form to go on a decent Josh date and then come home for a quick pointless mash with JJ. She was too easily fobbed off with Josh's assurances that his molly-taking was a 'one time thing in Vegas' considering he just bragged in the pool that he'd done it in LA as well. Of course he's going to give it the choirboy routine and given her age and experiences Tenley's lie detector should be a bit more finely calibrated. Mikey you are a sledgehammer ie a blunt instrument ie a dull tool. Your one move is no move at all, therefore you shouldn't act surprised when it doesn't work and you're facing an early exit due to your congenital lack of a personality. Dan and Tanner are good comedy value in their commentary but it's easy to smile and mock when you're in the catbird seat. Jared, you disappoint me, lad. Clare is a bunny boiler of the first order. I see trouble ahead, yacht excursion notwithstanding. Back to Joe for a moment...the producers were all but begging him to crush Juelia's hopes with the obvious aim of getting it all on camera but Joe wasn't biting. You can dislike him but he is unafraid to declare his real target: Samantha aka Silent Sam. And based on the preview reel at the end of Episode 1 he will get his wish - fair play to him because Samantha is smmmmmokin' hot and deserving of far more camera time than the paltry total she got during Chris' season.

I’m late twice over to the party but if I wait until after eps 3&4 I will be tardy indeed. No recap…mostly an echo of what others have said about the Bippers (to coin a phrase). It really is a mishmash of old and new (Bachelor chronology-wise) and the desperation is palpable. talking? I suppose I’m going to have to scream into a pillow every time I hear the girls up Felt bad for Jillian who made a very large preshow investment. Insert joke about bubbles bursting here. The black box was absent a time or two e.g. when she took a chair for the faux-wedding ceremony. I dislike JJ intensely but they had a sort of cynical (and therefore honest) paint-by-numbers view of how BIP works and were having fun with it. She’s spent so much time hanging around gyms and a bunch of musclehead bros that she’s adopted their brusque personality and speech pattern – which isn’t a good thing in the romance department in the wider world. Tenley damaged goods (can’t forget “We’re Kip-Ten!”). Nuff said. Ashley S. dialing down the crazy when there’s a dishy male on offer and interested in her. She is stick thin – you’d have to be to look that thin on camera eg her skirt in the daylight when she first arrived. Unless I missed it there was no explanation for the ambulance ride possibly due to medical confidences. Could she be hypoglycemic? Was it Montezuma’s revenge? I wouldn’t give Jade a second look at a bar, the supermarket or at an airline gate. Utterly plain with or without implants or a saucy video. Didn’t get the hype during the Bachelor, don’t get it now. Can't stand Roman sandals either. Another I will never get…Clare. Average at best with the possible exception of the eyes and as in past seasons her upper body is thin because she starves herself in order to keep the caboose from exploding. Right now it is an uneasy truce but she will never be caught without her sarong if she can help it. Every tick of her clock must sound like a gunshot to her. Carly as insecure and immature as ever. The season preview reel (aka Official Spoiler) shows her having at least one meltdown so that’s something to look forward to. Looks like Juelia and her Sharpie eyelashes will do the same. The less said about Ashley I and her repellent cut-rate Drea De Matteo sister the better. Let us not forget that AI was a broadcasting major and is clearly seeking entrée into the field even if it means ritual auto-humiliation which she is clearly doing tongue-in-cheek. Ashley I is also someone frequently described as beautiful, gorgeous, etc. which mystifies me even more than Jade. That grouper maw is miles wide. When she put on the bright red color it looked like the Rolling Stones logo brought to life. Kirk: ZZZZ. Tanner: top bloke, Jade choice notwithstanding. Jonathan: I don’t think him as vile as others do but I can see where boasting about sexual exploits would be a turnoff. Jon/Juelia strictly a pairing of convenience/survival. Dan: best looking male? I question his judgment but not his eyesight in pursuing Ashley S. JJ: still a plonker. Mikey: the charmless insecure male version of numerous Bachelorettes and Bippers. No banter ability whatsoever…’I’m just going to throw that out there.’ Yeah, thanks for that, self-declared Alpha Male Dood. Jared: he has his pick of the litter but the bad luck and timing to be saddled with Ashley I for now. Full marks to him for refusing to kiss her. The preview reel shows a different pairing and some Jared tears. With that jawline you have every reason to shave clean every day, especially with a patchy, scraggly beard. As for the booze, previous season contestants complained that the klieg lights (which are necessary to compete under cover with the bright sunshine outside) gave them frequent headaches. That combined with hours of downtime gives them a pass. I miss AshLee. There I said it.

I don’t like it for three reasons: 1) They don’t send the cast out during the intermission of a play to mingle with the audience and ask them how they like it so far. 2) Putting the Bippers on TV ruins the illusion, if there is one. The Bippers attempt to act cool and claim they were in on the joke but the last hour of TV contradicts that view. 3) Chris Harrison needn’t be the host of every minute of every show. We get it. He’s the face of the franchise. A fan/pundit show about BIP would be more open and honest if CH weren’t there to play censor. It might open the door for a female trainee type to host. Lacy's protest that her treasure chest 'caused her neck and back problems,' while undoubtedly true, elicited the least amount of sympathy in history.

Crikey, come up for air! With respect, you're taking this far too seriously. This is heavily edited and scripted trash TV therefore any 'facts' presented must be taken with a grain of salt. My posts, accordingly, are mostly tongue in cheek - which is usually congruent with the cynical fake sincerity of the participants.

Which is why I wrote that. He's a salesman who can't sell very well.