Rainsong

If this season were a racehorse, they would have long ago built one of those makeshift tents around it as they euthanized it. As it was, the Bippers greeted Chris' challenge with the enthusiasm of children forced to choke down Brussels sprouts before they may be excused. Even the co-producer and host can't be fussed to keep a secret - he desperately reveals they will be given a fantasy suite if they will PLEASE pair off. And isn't it time to retire the title of fantasy suite? It sounds like a rent-by-the-hour motel near the airport. Robby is still being billed as a social media influencer. Based on his intelligence and vocabulary, this can only mean that he simply clicks the 'like' button repeatedly in various apps. Exactly who would be influenced by this empty vessel and why remains a mystery. Lacey has kissed Dan twice on camera but claims to be 'in love.' If you say so. Jack Stone has the boo-boo face but the man with the secret agent name but not the secret agent game has had a lucky escape from the vapid Christen who dutifully strips off for some gratuitous bikini shots. Cue an even worse attempt by Wells at a nonspecific Antipodean accent. They say that the Bounty mutineers developed a strange patois of English and Tahitian as subsequent generations grew up on Pitcairn Island. Perhaps Wells really is a bartender in Mexico and his native tongue is being corrupted in real time. Raven is called to a romantic summit with Adam. Her body language is not promising. Arms locked straight down like fenceposts and she's twitching like the poison ivy champion at the county fair. Raven's eyes dart about the room, looking at everything except Adam as he delivers his pitch. Raven does an on-camera interview in which she recites every relationship-related term that appeared in last month's issue of Glamour. The words mean nothing to her but she hopes they sound insightful. But Raven has nothing on Dean when it comes to long speeches given while he stares at a point in the distance. He manages to split (assuming they were ever together) with Danielle without ever looking at her once. Danielle, despite her sporting attempt at feigning interest in him, is obviously relieved to be er, relieved of this 40 watt bulb. Dean blubbers on camera but it's only because they've scared him by showing him some math flash cards. Diggy & Dom are next in the breakup tent (it really can't be called anything else at this point). Bachelor In Paradise has become Singles In Hell. Amanda, ever the traditionalist, trots out the It's Not You It's Me breakup line. Robby's influence is shattered into a million pieces. They conclude their fleeting fancy with mutual Ks as in 'Kay?'...'Kay.' Shakespeare would be proud. And possibly a bit envious. Raven has applied her usual thick layer of war paint and resembles a wax figure again. Lacey & Daniel are hotel bound. Daniel marks the special occasion by wearing his rattiest pair of flip flops. Lacey declares that they will change their 'figurative' Facebook status. Does such a thing exist? Taylor delivers the earth-shaking revelation that 'sex means a lot' in forming a long-term relationship. We're then jolted back to the studio where Jaimi has completed her transition to being a Vulcan. Live long and be promiscuous. CH promises us all our questions will be answered. How lovely. Problem is, I don't think we have any questions apart from 'When will it be over?' Good God - there's a full hour of this tedium remaining. Oh no. Corinne and DeMario. They have nothing new to say except that both are in therapy and they have the psychobabble to prove it. Corinne is upset that the world has formed an opinion when 'they don't know what happened.' But wasn't it Corinne herself who claimed to have blacked out and thus had no memory of the night? The twins provide a sliver of entertainment by mocking the Featured Couch Guests especially Robby. Dean is brought on for some ritual humiliation. Kristina still hasn't learned her lesson. CH teases the last segment - 'Will there be an engagement?' Well, Chris, I'm no Sherlock Holmes but the shots of a ring and the Bippers and the audience standing and applauding while confetti rains down might be a bit of a tipoff. The networks really do think their viewers use picture menus to order meals. Lacey & Dan and his ridiculous overly snug dress shirt are next. Jasmine commences playing with her hair. Again. She's been placed in the back row corner along with the equally irrelevant Alexis but Jasmine is incapable of taking a hint. Bachelor In Paradise has become The Gong Show without the crucial inclusion of an actual gong and the odd moment of scripted or unscripted hilarity. Raven & Adam surprise everyone by confirming their status as a couple. CH lets slip his personal and professional exasperation with this season by noting it's one rare bit of good news. Reality TV 101: If any event involving Taylor is the highlight of your season, you have made some serious casting & storyline errors. But Derek does us all a favor by taking Taylor off the market. He will look back on this day with anger and bitterness as he's lectured about his lack of emotional intelligence when he forgets to take his used K-Cup out of the machine again. Like a long session of leaning back in the dentist's chair, this season has been unpleasant and disorienting. And even though it's suddenly over, we're left with a headache and a nasty taste in our mouths for quite a while.

Fleiss & Co can't resist the devil's candy ie a recycled cast member they HOPE will bring old viewers familiar with him and young viewers who will watch anyway. But, as someone noted, if the objective is to build audience base are the newer viewers really going to relate to a bachelor (ahem) aged 35+ with salt and pepper hair? According to the press he's been part of the Bachelor universe for 5 (!) years. That is an eternity when you consider what all the Bachelor alumni have done in that same time frame. Some of the younger Bachelorettes have been naive and annoying but mostly free of baggage. The age window will almost certainly have to be shifted older which means - what? - 28 minimum and at least half a dozen females aged 30+. The odds increase substantially that they will be divorced or possibly had a broken engagement. The odds also increase substantially of another Amanda ie one with kids in tow and a certain propensity to seek fame to pay for Stride Rite shoes and school fees to say nothing of the rent itself. To be fair you can end up with a savvy, intelligent female who is self-aware and keeps her head but it would also be fair to say that self-aware females probably steer clear of 'finding love' or even attempting same on a reality show.

PS - Dim Dean is actually described as 'emotionally distraught' at the precise moment he's in the pool in the morning doing a tall shot of tequila and sucking on a lime. No doubt the production crew were doing the same as they anticipated returning to the States.

A gift? For me? Just a one-hour show tonight? You really shouldn't have. Is there a bigger - if tacit - admission that this season has been a damp squib? Find love? These plonkers can't find the bathroom. Would any other show's finale or penultimate episode be half the length of a standard episode? Isn't that the antithesis of a climax? Dominique describes the mood as interesting and intense. Of course, these are the only two adjectives she seems to know so whether it's actually intense or interesting is up to the viewer to determine. It doesn't seem intense for the Bippers who display the same sleepy, bored, impatient expressions they've had throughout. God help the editor who is told to catch these people smiling because it occurs very rarely. Jaimi arrives as tipped off yesterday. She still has her corkscrew hair. And her nose bullring. Because male or female, straight, gay or bi we all are attracted to someone who looks in low lighting as if they've just sneezed and might need a handkerchief. Aren't we? Despite (planted) musings that Jaimi might pursue a female (does the female get a choice or is she expected to abandon heterosexuality upon request?), she goes the conventional route and chooses Diggy much to the consternation of Dominique. Jaimi describes her brand of bisexuality as 'going with the flow, whoever I'm attracted to in the moment.' It doesn't sound like proper bisexuality as much as it sounds like bone idle laziness and a pair of beer goggles always at the ready. Diggy dutifully declares that he can understand her logic. Logic? What logic?!? An illogical locking of lips follows. The twins arrive and it is revealed they've moved to LA from Las Vegas. It's always been rather suspect that two attractive, shapely girls living in Sin City couldn't find boyfriends especially given the transient nature of the tourist mecca with the added intrigue/curiosity/kink factor of identical twins. They remain kooky and not very well read. I admit they've grown on me and their double act in which one acts as the Greek chorus for the other's story or joke is mildly amusing. Credit to the editors for allowing the camera to linger and get their full reactions and credit to the twins for tongues fully implanted in cheeks as they mock the entire shambles. Unfortunately, the twins have been given a Kamikaze mission from which there is no safe return and the odds of success are long indeed. They've picked out their crushes and are armed with a date card. But hang on - if they know their target how can they claim not to know that each lad is heavily involved with a female already? We learned in a previous season that despite their Vegas roots the twins don't drink (although Emily was coaxed into having a beer with disastrous results). And so, having been predictably rejected by the objects of their affection, the stone cold sober twins lose the plot anyway by hoisting middle fingers and swearing extensively on camera. They probably knew they were brought in strictly for comic relief but they never seem to take it all very seriously anyway. Wells tries a bad Aussie accent he admits shifts into Scottish territory. Danielle is trying mightily to get into the spirit of things but surely she looks at Dean and sees mutton dressed as lamb. They will become near-strangers again when it's all over. And speaking of over, it really IS over. Last day. Some look stunned. Most look relieved - CH foremost among them. And then...back in the room. Or the studio, to be precise. Lots of mouth-agape reaction shots from Bippers and gormless audience members. An engagement ring shown on-screen - guess who? CH utters a mild oath. They are practically begging us to watch the Tell All episode even when there doesn't seem to be much to tell. Oh God No. It's Corinne & DeMario again: The Final Conflict. Corinne will play sweet, innocent and virginal - just don't mention the two dozen photos of her in the Daily Mail this week that showed her in the usual too-small bikini drinking, chain-smoking and cavorting with a male companion in - wait for it - Las Vegas. DeMario wears a shirt that is a size too small even for his skinny frame and there are large puckered gaps between the buttons. Will the other Bippers have the presence of mind to blame these two for interrupting the season and completely ruining the mood?

It might be best to retire the series as it's merely an excuse to bring back Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects. Across the pond, Love Island has become a cultural institution in 3 short years. But there the focus is on coupling up immediately and the participants are chosen strictly for their appearance. Shallow? Yes but not as bad as you might think. The Islanders are in a fairly lush villa on Majorca with mostly Big Brother-style two-way mirror camera runs with the odd robot cam or cameraman hidden behind greenery. None of this steadicam-wearing crewman walking around in plain sight. The Islanders stay for about two months with the odd intruder worked in. Fleiss, Harrison & Co. are nothing if not tight with a dollar but they might consider licensing the concept (as Big Brother was from Dutch originator Endemol) and giving the people an upgrade on looks as well as steamy goings on.

Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons are (somewhat) easily identified by the star of each season. Ben, Nick, Brad, Rachel, etc. With multiple seasons of Bachelor In Paradise stacking up, surely a subtitle for each season is not only warranted for easy identification but also a marketing opportunity? Granted, most of these might not pass muster with ABC but perhaps some alliterative taglines could be: ‘Humid, Hot & Hooking Up’ ‘Boredom, Beer & Bikinis’ ‘Mezcal & Mashing In Mexico’ ‘Implants, Islands & Infidelity’ Hmmm…on second thought those sound like they were lifted from – ahem – ‘adult entertainment.’ But ABC isn’t exactly above racy innuendo. It would aid in identifying seasons far beyond CH’s hysterical (and now hypocritical) MOST SHOCKING IN HISTORY nonsense. It’s hilarious (but not really) to have one of the cast members give a rundown of the (all together now) strong couples, not least because you can count the strong couples on two fingers – or even thumbs in this case. Dominique is suffering from the delusion that her proclamations are somehow profound or the product of unique insight. She claims that the strong couples ‘balance each other out.’ Erm, isn’t that true of all strong couples? For her next trick, Dom will tell us that it’s warm in the tropics. Dim Dean is racked by guilt - but only because he was observed by Kristina. Kristina has given more hurt, downcast looks than weepy Julia Ormond ever managed in ‘Legends Of The Fall.’ She has been through the wars in terms of life experience but remains very emotionally vulnerable. After the latest outrage she STILL perks up when Dim Dean arrives. Blake is greeted with apathy and literal eye rolls. Popular chap. Dom impresses herself with obvious and unfunny jokes. Blake requests a ‘man chat’ (ugh) with ‘only bros from my season’ (ugh again) because ‘he trusts them more.’ Why? They obviously despise him. But at least this silly dispute that they all keep referencing is, in an odd way, further confirmation that skipping Rachel’s season was a wise move. Broken-record time: the date card is robbed of most of its drama as yet another new arrival is permitted to survey the field and find the path of least resistance. Blake really turns on the charm with Kristina by telling her ‘you may or may not be my first choice.’ What a catch he truly is. Fred also arrives. Dom claims ‘it’s been very interesting’ which is odd because these so-called interesting parts have yet to be captured by an army of cameras. The annoying Jasmine, who is the most obvious producer holdover in Bachelor history, to paraphrase CH, has progressed to playing with OTHER people’s hair. Truly bizarre. Jasmine is also prone to using a thousand words to express a simple ‘I don’t know.’ In Jasmine’s world, camera time is the coin of the realm. The frightening part for all of us is that dozens of people who find Jasmine interesting, funny or intelligent are hurtling along the highway alongside us – and towards us! - at 75 mph. A double date goes about as badly as it can go for Christen who apparently has never heard of the scientific miracle of goggles for contact lens wearers engaged in water activities. After long, inexplicable deferments for each RC this time CH announces this RC will be quick and that, mercifully, this season is almost at an end. Still he never misses a chance to bludgeon these poor souls with his now desperate-sounding wish that they…find love (drink!). Robby & Amanda are taken on the cheapest date in the history of Bachelor cheap dates as they exhaust a whopping 20 pesos and what’s left of their dignity on a kiddie ride and smacking a piñata. They’ve been provided a meal on a table placed randomly in an alley a la Lady And The Tramp. Ben has an attack of sanity and departs. The dog he’s been pining for won’t recognize him when he returns. Hope it was worth it! Dom and Diggy play a get-to-know quiz – wouldn’t an actual conversation be more meaningful and revealing? The oddball doctor is still playing with toy hands. It’s a neck-and-neck race to determine the most played-out, tired, unfunny Bachelor inside joke between Tickle Monster and Scallop Fingers. Humor content of each: nil. But, of course, these nicknames will be mentioned repeatedly in the season-ending review. The demographics of BIP seem to have shifted dramatically towards the younger and more immature as the nicknames above demonstrate along with Dan’s lame rhymes. These are kids in adult bodies and the dialogue is now on a par with a Disney Channel sitcom along with the hammy gestures. Danielle hugs Blake like he’s radioactive as the cast are permitted (or even encouraged) once again to spoil the RC. Raven has enjoyed queen bee status throughout and is shocked to learn that Kristina isn’t receptive to her insipid advice. Kristina’s optimism is to be admired on one level but is she actually surprised? Wells mercifully leaves the puppets on a shelf and stuns us all by making perfect sense as he asks Kristina why she’s torturing herself. The RC includes an unhappy Fred, another sighting of Christen’s solar plexus and perhaps the first discussion of serial killers during the show’s run. See? It IS historic! Kristina has caught the Ben disease and declines to award a rose and says she’s leaving. Dim Dean walks her out and – spooky! – her rose has disappeared. Kristina’s backstory, her naivete and her looks – expressive eyes, tendency to emote - make her catnip for the Fleiss team. Will she return for another Bachelor season? This is as good a spot as any to say that the producers’ desire for continuity by recycling cast members may have reached the end of its useful life. In the age of social media it’s understandable that few people would be willing to sacrifice their privacy and that of their family and friends but many of these retreads are uninteresting, unintelligent people whose ongoing availability is an obvious sign that they are hard to live with. Perhaps it’s time to wipe the slate clean and cast a whole new crop for the franchise going forward. Next ep: the inevitable Attack Of The Vegas Twins along with bisexual (and otherwise boring) Jaimi and her mop of hair.

It was an excellent, if revolting, metaphor for Alexis, who has been badly served by everyone around her in forming what amounts to her personality. It was emblematic of her obvious lack of self-esteem and seething but familiar (to her) resentment at being ignored as a potential partner even in a setting where casual encounters are the order of the day. Her approach, such as it is, is to be as obnoxious and act in a manner that she perceives to be 'one of the guys' as she hangs around at closing time hoping for a drunken hookup. Her willingness to revive the expired-joke shark costume speaks to her near-total lack of dignity along with the cut-rate breast augmentation and those ridiculous palm frond fake eyelashes.

Unreal reality TV demands (very) hot lights, reshoots, multiple camera angles, etc. Any food plated quickly becomes inedible. Besides, it would soak up the copious amounts of alcohol that they hope will lower inhibitions.

I think I’m starting to understand the hidden meaning of the title. To wit: if you’re a bachelor or even The Bachelor and you’re sitting at home far removed from this bizarre spectacle then you are in paradise, relatively speaking. If you recall the film ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ then you recall the pivotal scene in which the rogue computer HAL has locked astronaut Bowman’s space pod out of the mothership. Bowman, who has forgotten his pressure helmet inside the ship, must stage a daring improvised reentry in the vacuum of space using the escape hatch of his pod. He grits his teeth, holds his breath and waits for the explosion that will hurl him into the void. And as we are confronted by these remaining episodes we find ourselves very much like Bowman. This will be unpleasant; we’re not sure how bad it will be just yet. CH and his designated clanging butter knife (re)introduce Daniel to the group. Lacey is thrilled for all of 20 seconds as Daniel refers to her as ‘leftovers and scraps.’ Charming. Daniel moves on to Christen, who pretends his banal line of patter is interesting and funny. Jasmine arrives to do her compulsive hair-pulling routine. Daniel seems to resent the fact that a) he has a rose to give and b) females who wish to remain on the show can only do so by receiving a rose. It’s now episode 6 (!) and just the second rose ceremony (?!). CH gives a surplus-to-requirements explanation of the RC in a vain effort to fill time. Daniel proves he isn’t a total SOB by rosing (shall we coin a new verb?) Lacey. Jack Stone rewards Christen for their brief encounter. Oooh – here’s Matt again. There is an utter lack of surprise from everyone. The participants may be more cynical than we are. Not even CH can manage a hammy double-take. Can Matt give a rose out? Shrugs all round. What the hell. Matt gives his rose to Jasmine and says she deserves to be there. America weeps as it contemplates another week of torture at the hands of Jasmine and her vinegar-soaked personality. The couples, er, couple up as expected. Adam gives Raven a Rose and a lecture as Sarah stares daggers at them. How many times have we heard Kristina say ‘I’m feeling pretty confident at this point?’ And how many times has she been wrong? Dim Dean manages to stumble into a bit of chivalry and awards her the rose. Her elation is short-lived as Ben chooses rival Danielle to remain. (Revealing bit of footage as Taylor yawns while the supposedly ‘tense’ moments pass. Apparently these RCs are shot and reshot into the wee hours. Actually, we haven’t heard from Taylor at all tonight so let’s not jinx ourselves.) Sarah is unlucky to leave. Alexis is lucky to have been there at all and is hardly given a second look as she strides out. Kristina demands Dim Dean take a dare and achieve arousal using only the power of his mind. Not quite the usual chat you get from a dental hygienist. Dim Dean may have youth and passion on his side but performance anxiety and a tight deadline ruin his chances. Speaking of tights, ABC found a spare $100 bill under the seats of the satellite truck and hired a load of masked Mexican wrestlers to roust the Bippers from bed. Christen thinks they’re sumo, thus managing to get both the continent and the category wrong. What a great advertisement for her wedding videography business she truly is! But they’re only there to give Daniel his date card. Daniel clears up a great international mystery by confirming he likes sex. Lacey beams and breaks the fourth wall as she poses with her date card. Jonathan the tickle monster arrives and confirms that skipping Rachel’s season was a wise move. Danielle’s look suggests she’s wondering if someone can book a flight home while her phone is under lock and key. He cards Christen. Jack and his pink shorts are honked off. Lacey & Daniel’s date, such as it is, involves Mexican wrestling (or is it sumo?) in front of mostly empty chairs and a few unfortunate locals lured in with the promise of free food and drink. Fake wrestling has never looked faker. Dim Dean is in danger of replacing the ‘M’ in Dim with a ‘CK.’ You work out the rest. Kristina, you’re the only sympathetic figure in there so you are well shot of this idiot. Christen and her fully exposed sternum are grilling Jonathan on the doctoring biz as she smells money wafting through the tropical air. She attempts to divine his ATM PIN number by sticking her tongue down his throat. Failing that, she returns to the beach group and has a mash with Jack within eye- and earshot of Jonathan. The cheeky minx! Lacey achieves her long-awaited embrace only to be foiled by hair-tugging (still) Jasmine. To suggest that this is a producer-driven interruption is to suggest that the sun will rise in the east. Dim Dean is deserving of drowning over his dalliance with Danielle who, it must be said, is no slouch in a swimsuit (that’s called alliteration, kids). CH jerks us unceremoniously back to the studio where he has assembled some real-life jerks – sorry, cast members. For the record, CH’s suit is different to the one he wore for the DeMario interview so this is either a separate taping or he merely changed. Hang on – are we really going to be subjected to filler in the form of a mid-season review and interviews? Is the lack of interesting footage that severe? (Answer: apparently). CH refers to Jasmine as a fan favorite. That isn’t stretching the truth. It’s crushing the truth in a vise and setting fire to it. Jasmine continues to speak out of both sides of her expansive mouth by claiming Matt owed her nothing but berating him for his so-called betrayal anyway. People who contradict themselves while attempting to appear clever rank very high on the annoyance list. People who attempt to sound breezy and unaffected while crying also rank highly. There she is, Miss Entitlement. No, not Jasmine. It’s Corinne. ‘It seemed like you were really enjoying Paradise,’ suggests CH. Well, Chris, if you define enjoying as getting blackout drunk, stripping off and having a shag with a stranger in the pool, then yes, she was enjoying it. Of course, Corinne usually calls that ‘Thursday’ but she usually doesn’t have a triggered millennial production staffer tsk-tsking and costing the franchise millions with an interruption in filming. Corinne plays the ‘medication didn’t mix with alcohol’ card. CH pretends to be surprised – surely as a producer he’s had access to the third party investigative report already? From her description it sounds like an antidepressant given the 'build up' requirement (EDITED). To be fair if you’ve ever encountered someone combining Xanax and booze then all bets are off. But are we meant to believe that a full medical disclosure and/or a physical wasn’t part of the casting process? In Corinne’s Cloudcuckooland, freedom from responsibility leads to an expectation that she should be free from consequences. She is completely responsible for the outcome she engineered but complains that it’s been rough. Aww… An agonizing 20 minutes of ‘like’ and ‘I mean’ finally comes to a merciful end. The previews of the remainder of the season confirm (again) the twins will return. It looks as if even the producers have thrown in the towel on engagements and are falling back on the old reliable of dragging the cast back into the studio to knock seven bells out of each other as the crowd boo and hiss. There’s even a SHOCKING™ amount of spoiler-ish material in the dialogue aired. They've exercised their option to abandon romance (not that there was much in the first place) for rending of garments.

I think we are seeing the full flower of society's smartphone addiction: these people are unable to communicate face-to-face. The subtleties of both spoken language and body language are lost on them. Instead, we get halting, insincere 'Do you like me? Cos I like you' chat-up inanity before a mash session brings a merciful end to the stunted conversation. The producers are desperate for visuals...cow-eyed looks of longing or tender embraces on a balcony or a beach. Instead, they're getting blank looks from blank people except when they look as if they're chewing on a wasp after suffering even the mildest form of criticism or rejection.

Amanda is chosen again for an opening narration in baby talk. Alexis, unable to get any part of her sweaty anatomy within a mile of a male Bipper’s mouth, elects to play a guess-the-food game and immediately converts a rare chance to flirt into an exercise in hazing that Jack Stone greatly resents with no small amount of justification. She calls him a ‘good sport,’ which he is. Unfortunately, she’s a very bad sport. Some of the ladies have magically acquired manicures despite not leaving the compound. Christen arrives looking quite fetching and, as usual for the newbies, receives intense resentment for her troubles. We get another Date Card Dissection where the date card holder is allowed to suss out the reactions and outcomes before being put on the spot. Matt attempts to speak in BIP code, implying he’s unattached without actually saying he’s unattached so he can deny it if and when confronted. Christen has apparently been instructed to stand at a railing and look up, down, left and right in Brady Bunch fashion. Her embarrassment at this cheesy staging is obvious. Matt & Christen have a good date which further inflames Jasmine’s temper and brings out her hammy gestures and some flat-out awful lines she obviously considers clever. ‘Thug life bitches…’ ooooh aren’t we a hard case? Dear ABC/Fleiss/Harrison: if you’re going to wag your finger, post rules and tell the Bippers that physical and verbal intimidation will not be permitted then why are you making a full half hour of it the centerpiece of tonight’s episode? If another Bipper threatened Jasmine with the same words and actions would you treat it in the same way? Would it even make air? Jasmine isn’t bothered, she claims over and over again to any poor soul trapped within earshot of her (ie the entire Mexican coastline). She doesn’t give a stuff about Matt & Christen’s date…and then says she can’t wait until they return. Do make up your mind, Jazzy. The less said about Wells and his puppet and his odd voices the better. Those pushing Wells as a dark horse for the next Bachelor probably deserve to get him along with a phalanx of geeky gawky girls. Game night is quickly abandoned by Robby & Amanda, who fear the group might discover they are both illiterate. Instead, Robby cracks glow sticks – each stick representing a brain cell in Amanda’s head in a 1:1 ratio – and tosses them in the pool. As you do. Robby explains the chemistry behind phosphorescent liquids to Amanda. Only joking. Robby can’t spell ‘phosphorescent.’ Or ‘liquids.’ Between ourselves, Amanda is still struggling with ‘pool.’ But she’s a determined old gal and will get there eventually. Sarah reads the riot act to Adam, who proceeds to give her the wrong answer anyway. The tiresome Taylor & Derek chapter of the show ensues in which Taylor actually uses the term triggered/triggering. It all sounds like a badly-written, badly-acted, badly-conceived college project film. Taylor is apparently holding her books on emotional intelligence upside down when she reads them as she gets it all wrong. Again. Taylor is a whiny, entitled brat who rationalizes her self-centered idiocy by claiming she’s been grievously wronged. Derek does himself no favors with his ultra-apologetic Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG) routine but he does manage to point out that despite Taylor’s long list of Kafkaesque emotional indictments he is actually guilty of just one of them. Taylor acknowledges this inconvenient fact for a split second and then carries on with her crying jag. Taylor’s on-camera interview commentary is even worse as she spews a random word salad drawn from her textbooks. Our learned psychology professional (ahem) then informs us, in her most clinical, detached way that her emotional reserves are like, literally in the negatives. The DSM has been edited, revised and bowdlerized into a nearly unrecognizable, unusable state these days but it’s a safe bet that ‘negative emotional reserves’ still do not appear in its pages. This is a staggeringly narcissistic, annoying individual. Sarah is late to the ‘gimme a rose’ party but attempts to make up for lost time. Diggy girds his loins and informs Lacey that his rose will be going elsewhere. Lacey’s look of bitter disgust and anger is almost – ALMOST – worth sitting through this dreck but only the most naïve individual would expect a different outcome. Dim Dean is now Devious Doublecrossing (But Still Dim) Dean as he attempts to juggle Kristina, who is actually interested in him, and Danielle L, who is not but isn’t accustomed to competition or rejection. Taylor doesn’t have an accent as such but then accents require use of the mouth, tongue, teeth and lips to form vowels, consonants and words in a distinctive pattern. Since Taylor talks exclusively through her nose, she is a linguistic anomaly. Derek has already donned the hairshirt and said 1,000 Hail Taylors but she’s back to have another go at him for his flagrant emotional transgression that everyone else in the universe is unable to identify. He meekly complies. Taylor is 100% right about everything 100% of the time especially - to use her eloquent, erudite phrase - ‘stuff in relationships.’ It’s difficult to choose Taylor’s worst trait but her smug tendency to be impressed with her own inch-deep pseudointellectual twaddle might be near the top of the list. ‘Are you doing that nice guy thing? Cos I hate that.’ Does she mean taking the coward’s way out? If so, then yes Matt is doing the ‘nice guy thing’ as he repays Jasmine’s possessive excesses by leaving the compound. Christen is in bits again but she and Jack Stone have a cursory chat, exchange rather mild compliments and lock lips. The stink of futility is hanging over this year’s Paradise and it’s much more overpowering than the funk coming from deceased crustaceans. These plonkers aren’t finding love. Instead, they are finding their departure gates at the airport in alarmingly rapid fashion. The drink rationing is an unmitigated failure, not least because it punishes the innocent. Still, Fleiss/Harrison et al won’t rest until they get some more couples so Daniel is brought in but only after some lame camera work and editing in which his face is obscured by scenery until the last second. To Be Continued. It used to be a teaser. Now it’s a threat.

Amanda leads off by saying things are getting tense – and she ain’t just talking about hair extensions stressed by dips in the ocean and the heat and humidity. Fair play to Matt who slips into normal human being mode and offers some genuine sympathy to Kristina who is still reeling from the previous night’s events. As a bonus, his assessment of the situation is correct. Bubbly Sarah arrives and is so bubbly that everyone who is interviewed about her arrival says the same thing: she’s bubbly. That’s that, then. She also appears to have reclaimed Raven’s makeup case that was confiscated at the Mexican airport and has absolutely troweled it on for her arrival. Ben makes a beeline for the bubbly one but she’s pursuing…Adam? Huh? Raven’s giving her blessing? Is she the queen? The arbiter of relationships? We’re talking about ‘great husbands’ already? These people really are getting ahead of themselves. Ben talks about – wait for it – his dog again. This dog is 8 bloody months old. If he’s so emotionally attached to it what is he doing missing its most critical formative months? In a bit of poetic justice, Ben is dogged when Sarah chooses…Adam for a date. Adam can’t believe his luck in (all together now) Paradise. Average-looking at best with his Brillo hair and oddly-shaped eyes that droop at the corners, he hasn’t been pursued by two females simultaneously since that time he stole pencil cases in school. Adam enjoys the luxurious unreality of reality TV and gets a rewind and a second take when he juxtaposes the girls’ names. Adam and Sarah load up on salsa and guacamole and go in for an onion-tinged kiss and later, a dance. It’s a revealing instance of how cheap ABC/Fleiss and television in general can be: rather than air the actual band’s performance and run the risk of paying them royalties, they dub generic Mexican music over the scene. It’s a quick edit but you can see the female singer at the mic but her voice isn’t heard and the musicians’ movement doesn’t match the soundtrack. Danielle M moans about a lack of romance but even casual viewers might point out that she hasn’t lifted a finger to rectify her situation although she has bent the ear of any female unfortunate enough to sit next to her. If you have better-than-average looks and new implants but haven’t had a boyfriend in six (!?) years, darling, perhaps an unflinching self-assessment is in order. In a rather obvious bit of foreshadowing, she mentions Wells again for about the 458th time. It’s only a matter of time before this is made into a bad pastiche of a bad rom-com. Lacey gets a (very temporary) new lease on life with a date card. Her eyeliner has gone missing so she’s borrowed a Sharpie from one of the crew to get her signature pale raccoon look. The rose ceremonies have been stripped of suspense and now the producers are allowing the Bippers to do the same with the date cards as they canvass all the potential date partners to get an answer before they actually ask someone for a date. Isn’t the point of the date card, especially on BIP, to ask someone for a date with the very real possibility of rejection or at least discomfort? None of this training-wheels stuff. Assemble the group and make the date card holder do it cold. Jorge is revealed to have given up appletinis for road apples. At least his ‘tourges’ business isn’t another van service driving the gringos back and forth to the airport. Lacey & Diggy’s outfits and shoes are wildly inappropriate for horseback riding but they dutifully climb on. They soon arrive at what is called in true Bachelor fashion THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BEACH EVER. Except it isn’t. Not even close. Still, bartender emeritus Jorge has some champers for them and an appetizer of TMI as he relates the particulars of his conception on the beach. Dearest Lacey, if you’re eagerly awaiting a kiss then one helpful suggestion might be to stop chomping on snacks for a second or two. The usual smooches-in-the-surf sequence follows. Dominique arrives and Diggy has joined Dim Dean in the Short Memory Club as he pursues her. Lacey goes from ecstasy to agony. Dom & Diggy waste no time in locking lips. Idle question for the producers: would we need subtitles for the dialogue if the music punches weren’t so loud in the mix? Danielle makes some sense in her justifications for leaving but after traveling not once but twice to Mexico she has wasted a lot of time and effort. In the most telegraphed move since Samuel FB Morse sent ‘What hath God wrought,’ Wells walks Danielle to the waiting van and plants a long steamy kiss on her. Rom-com ending thus partially delivered, except Danielle leaves anyway and claims to have been surprised by Wells’ move. For a moment it appears even more rom-com is in store – will the van brake lights come on and will Danielle emerge to take Wells with her? Will she return to Paradise? Will Wells tear off his work uniform (even though we’re not convinced he’s actually an employee of the resort) and dash after the van? One thing is clear as ABC airs a montage of ABC news programs doing stories about an ABC prime time program: ABC has quite a stable of appalling hacks. The appeal of one Michael Strahan remains an enduring mystery. He played football in New York and was perpetually overrated, he smiled a lot at the glowering troglodytes in the NY press and has a gap in his teeth a la David Letterman. Beyond that any talent is undetectable although he does seem to have mastered that knitted-brow look broadcasters adopt when they’re reading the autocue and have no idea about the facts. Carly’s pregnancy announcement was as obvious as the Danielle/Wells denouement. Why else would they put her on the air so soon after the wedding? Beyond that I FF'd through her extended vapidity. And now, the DeMario Show, starring….DeMario (daft name) and a roomful of gormless People Magazine-reading women who really believe that New Fall Trends! are actually new fall trends rather than advertisers’ cynical attempt to get them to buy new clothes when their closets are already stuffed full. This year’s BIP has a dilemma: the cast is boring. The ‘romances’ are forced and unconvincing. The show’s most interesting item is something that they can’t or won’t show on-air so they are resorting to a bizarre, recursive tactic of covering-the-media-covering-us. It’s akin to ‘respect our privacy’ which is Hollywood-speak for ‘don’t forget us.’ Let’s face it: had DeMario dislocated his knee walking down the steps the producers would have milked it for all it was worth. In fact, they have done so before, if anyone remembers a previous season’s oh-my-God-it’s-an-ambulance hype over someone with a case of heat exhaustion or hypoglycemia or whatever it was. DeMario gives it the full always sinned against, never a sinner routine. He emotes on cue. He talks about kids. He mentions his sainted mother repeatedly (issues!). He spews more feminist catchphrases than a women’s studies PhD candidate forced to attend a fraternity party: slut-shaming etc. DeMario is shocked – SHOCKED – to learn that the media will sensationalize and distort – and all this after he’s participated in reality TV. Making matters worse, they’re going to bring in Corinne for the same image rehab session. It will be instructive to note if the same background audience is present and/or if CH and the Bippers are wearing the same outfits ie both shows were taped the same day. Any bets? As before, not even the producers can cobble together 1.5 hrs (with commercials removed) from the lifeless jellyfish inhabiting this year’s Paradise (as they keep dutifully calling it) so they’ve decided to splice in a chat show. Ridiculous.

The original objective of the show wasn't necessarily love/marriage...it was merely Bachelor Pad decamped to a cheaper Mexico locale (no union wage scale abroad). Bachelor Pad had its own vibe that was more honest: the cast members had pretended to be choirboys and girls for Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons but they attended an alcohol-fueled reunion, sparks flew and their true horny selves were revealed with the randiest and raunchiest sent to the Pad. Frankly, 25-year-old single persons who aren't more interested in physical encounters than emotional ones (at least initially) are more than a bit suspect but a surfeit of these emotionally vulnerable types are chosen for BIP. The idea of permanent couples, even proposals and marriage, resulting from BIP fell into the laps of the producers and they obviously decided to run with it. But the problem is twofold: 1) One Bachelor presented with 25 Bachelorettes (or vice versa) will almost certainly be strongly attracted to or couple up with at least one of them through sheer force of numbers. 2) If a roughly equal number of males and females are stuck in an isolated place and most of them find they are incompatible with any available member of the opposite sex then there is more chaff than wheat. Making matters worse, the early couples will do a Derek/Taylor and keep their heads down - literally, in this case, as they cuddle on a bed and say next to nothing as they await the next suspense-free event (date, rose ceremony, etc.). It makes for terrible television. In sum, the setup is ill-suited to the outcome but that hasn't stopped the production from trying to recapture lightning in a bottle.

A shorter post..the first segment of tonight’s episode was gobbled up by the DVR gremlins but no matter – very little happened on a 2-hour show so it was hardly a loss. Speaking of losing and losers, Kristina is well shot of Dean but can’t seem to muster the courage to break away. Surely she must know that the producers will move heaven and earth to keep her face and her bod and her fetching accent on the show by flying in more males? She may be on the fast track to Bachelorette anyway but let’s give her a fair crack of the whip in Paradise first. Raven’s complexion has signed the instrument of unconditional surrender on the deck of the SS Mexico. It has officially lost the war with the heat and humidity of the tropics. Nevertheless, she is bouncing between dates and dudes. At one point there’s even a Gone With The Wind style camera shot with Scarlett aka Raven framed by eager suitors. Coming from tiny Hoxie, AR she is giddy with the attention but the ego meter is starting to bounce into the red. Speaking of perspiration, Robby has inexplicably opted for a tight button up black shirt with a mint green bow tie and is absolutely dripping with sweat as his dodgy combover reveals. ABC, Fleiss and CH seem mighty sure of their audience loyalty – they flat-out spoiled tonight’s rose ceremony last week by showing Robby & Amanda getting amorous in the pool. So while Amanda may reject his pathetic ‘kiss me’ speech she still gives him the rose and we know at least part of the rest of the story. And why is she playing hard to get? She’s been on this show longer than Chris Harrison and should know the ropes. ‘Fashionable’ Diggy with his vast shoe collection has chosen old man’s Top Siders. What’s the male equivalent of a frump? Fair play to Alexis who is suddenly displaying some wit even if she punctuates it with profanity. But her idea of a courtship is looking around the bar at 3 AM when the house lights come up and the TVs are turned off so she seems ill-suited to the whole ‘finding love in Paradise’ thing. Scientific note: her fake lashes are approximately the same length as the blades of the ceiling fan and move the same volume of air but in a vertical plane. Adam does a drunken-uncle-at-a-wedding and demands that Raven dance with him with the inevitable spins and dips and the more inevitable flamenco guitar cues from the music editor who can always be relied on for hoary clichés. Raven’s response to someone’s demand for information is ‘I don’t know. Does that answer your question?’ No, my dear, that’s not how questions and answers work. Iggy and Lacey’s interaction is painfully forced. Their fake laughter is worse. Speaking of forced, Alex’s door-to-door salesman-style quest for a rose is as pathetic as it is futile. He’s got a devastating case of the ‘likes’: like, every other, like, word is, like, like. We really like that he’s gone. The rose ceremony holds very few surprises but that doesn’t stop CH from helpfully explaining the tricky math of 12-4 = 8. As the producers push harder and harder for couples to form early the RCs will continue to be robbed of drama. Derek’s ears perk up when Taylor calls his name. Correction: his ears are like that all the time. Never mind. Matt leans his head sharply to one side when he does an on-camera interview. Is that side of his head much heavier? The second half of the show was, regrettably, the Dim Dean Hour. Every sentence begins with Dean looking away or over the shoulder of his partner in conversation. Nervous quirk? Rudeness? The more likely explanation is that Dim Dean struggles to form complete sentences and is relying on cue cards held up by the producers. But Dim Dean is one of the few lads in this year’s cast who might reasonably be considered photogenic. Most of the others border on the unattractive. I imagine some also-rans from prior seasons are kicking themselves that they didn’t have this lot of average joes to compete against for female attention. Danielle L arrives with her cleavage and her thighs. The men swoon and the ladies fume. What’s the point of having an intelligence briefing on current couples if she’s going to ignore the information she gathers anyway? Dim Dean annoys Kristina and the viewing public by gaining a date card. He then loses a different card - his man card - when he allows Danielle to drive the ATV. He avoids eye contact with Danielle as he did with Kristina but still manages some awkward kisses. It’s difficult to shake the feeling that Danielle may have an agent managing her interactions with ABC and that she has less of an interest in ‘finding love’ and more of an interest in remaining on television for as long as possible. The rationing of booze has, predictably, made Paradise rather boring for the cast who spend most of their days doing absolutely nothing. Dim Dean returns and manages to alienate Kristina not once but twice by first relating the details of his date, temporarily making up with her then crushing her spirit once and for all with his contrived half-birthday nonsense. Kristina looks stunning in her US flag bikini but she needs to muster more of that Russian cut-your-throat-for-fun stoicism. Next week’s episode will be another disjointed mess as, for reasons unclear, a studio audience is gathered to listen to DeMario’s confession and defense about the Corinne incident. In other words, a large chunk of the airtime will be devoted to something that was never actually shown on camera. Gee, what are the chances he fully exonerates his actions before, during and after?

I can see her season's double entendre title now: 'HOXIE HO!'

Night 2. Or is it still Night 1? Is CH marooned on that beach or what? And how many times have they steamed the wrinkles out of his shirt for this shoot? I suppose the most positive comment to muster about Evan and Carly is that their wedding gets both of them off the market and prevents future Bachelor franchise castings. Evan still has his 20-years-out-of-date goatee. Wedding photos are forever, so get the damned razor out and clean up. A bit of hair fixative wouldn’t go amiss either with or without the wind. For her big day, Carly has applied her panda eye makeup left-handed in a darkened room as usual. Hopeless. After seeing umpteen beach wedding photos on social media one thing is clear: it’s mostly an excuse to dress like a slob including the cliché of bare feet as if it’s Polynesia in the 18th Century. The World’s Most Interesting Man looks…interesting in an open-necked shirt. The rest of you look like you never learned how to knot a necktie. If you’re a Evan or Carly’s cousin, ex-roommate, friend, former teacher, neighbor, etc. who thought you might one day attend their wedding how do you feel knowing a vapid load of glory-hunters took up most of the seats? If you’re Evan and Carly, how will you feel in 5 years when the attendees in your wedding album will be distant strangers again? But hey, the whole thing including travel and hotel is on ABC/Fleiss’ nickel so bring on the Z-listers. Now it’s time for THE TALK under the tutelage of CH. It’s a bizarre, recursive ritual emblematic of the times: the reaction to the reaction is most important with the action itself banished to the Memory Hole. What does this franchise want? Drunken hookups. What did they get? A drunken hookup. The blame and the discussion will be affixed to Corinne and DeMario but let us not forget that it was some triggered PC production type who demanded a halt to proceedings. Ironically, a third party investigation cleared the players of any wrongdoing which means this entire thing has been a long, unfunny shaggy dog joke (those jokes usually are). Taylor denies reality TV is scripted. Well, Tay, you know what they say: if you can’t recognize the sucker at the table, you are the sucker. Taylor believes any large group gathering is a pretext for her to speechify. She does it again at the girls’ gaggle. Gawd. And so this episode was like a modern-day bag of potato chips: 70% air. A mere 37 minutes (with commercials skipped) of a 2-hr program was dedicated to the actual program. Alexis offers some ill-judged and ill-informed advice: ‘Don’t give him a rose! You’re here for yourself!’ Is she aware that this is a show about coupling? That the tables will soon be turned and that this week’s self-affirmation will be next week’s plane ticket home? We watch some people and wonder ‘Why are they single?’ We watch other people and understand why immediately. It seems that Jorge’s ‘career change’ was a pretext for getting a bartender who’s a peer who could ply the Bippers with drink while he plays psychologist and is capable of speaking in their idiom. Finding Luuuuv may be the producers’ desired outcome for the show but they do themselves a disservice in terms of short-term (ie episodic) drama. Enforced interaction through mandatory dates (X must take Y) would set the cat amongst the pigeons by creating suspicion, jealousy and, just maybe, new sparks that would not have occurred under the status quo. By leaving it to the Rules Of Attraction they are usually removing any suspense. Alex is reminding us of numerous women pursuing The Bachelor: ‘I feel like we haven’t spent enough quality time together’….’I just want to explain where I stand’….etc. The object of their desire is usually even more repelled by the neediness, reassurances notiwithstanding. In this case, vacuous Amanda is definitely not worth the trouble. Memo to Lacey: if you call every male a lying, conniving SOB after interacting with them then perhaps the relationship sabotage you claim to be a victim of is actually being engineered by little ol’ you. Dean reclines with Kristina. Unfortunately, a significant number of his already-limited IQ points leak out of his ears onto the cushions and he starts getting combative and eventually spurns Kristina altogether. Fully deserving of his fate. You know production has resumed in full when Jasmine gets angry, aggressive and teary. Double standards writ large: women claim to want boyfriend material yet demand that ‘new meat’ (their term) be shipped in. I’m trying to imagine what kind of hell would be raised if the boys used similar language. Preview time: to no one’s surprise, the blonde twins will return (have they signed a lifetime contract?) along with Lacey’s erm, dreamboat Daniel. ‘Paradise’ is apparently defined as an Amazonian society where the cameras are on the women and their floods of tears 90% of the time. PS – Danielle M confirmed I called her breast augmentation correctly ?

I don't read Glamour but a Google search turned this up: https://www.glamour.com/story/dean-unglert-found-love-bachelor-in-paradise Despite the title it seems to indicate that he and Kristina don't last. It also indicates that the interruption in filming all but ruined the mood for everyone.

Not that anyone was surprised, but BIP Season 4 (!) dumped a truckload of cynicism in everyone’s laps as barefooted Chris Harrison walked a lonely beach to tell us how upset and concerned they were ‘after only two days’ and that it was ‘stressful’ (as his hairline will attest). Given that CH has a significant financial stake in this tawdry franchise it never be anything else. According to the end credits there are a total of 10 (ten!) executive producers, all of whom have already cashed ABC checks and have to deliver a product. Short of a felony being committed the show was always going to go on. And when, exactly, did ‘finding a soulmate’ and ‘get married’ become the goals of this drunken gropefest? For the fourth year running it should be pointed out that the late lamented Bachelor Pad was the ultimate hedonistic no-strings hookup show with spectacular results. Bachelor In Paradise is like the opening sequence of ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ with little groups of irascible primates sitting idle occupied with mutual grooming, nursing grudges and plotting the next attack on the other primates. And then, the cast credit sequence and a long exasperated string of ‘Oh God it’s her (or him) again.’ Some sort of gateway arrival arch has been cobbled together with a few Mexican street market blankets draped over for local flavor (?). If you’re a set dresser on this show you get by with doing 5-10 minutes of work per day. Raven’s physique is impressive, it must be said. Her inch-thick layer of foundation has either been eliminated in favor of professional production makeup help or perhaps Mexican customs confiscated the five gallon bucket of Max Factor at the airport. Her signature mane is still intact, however. Disclaimer: I skipped Rachel’s Bachelorette season. A glance at her forum before I posted this confirmed my worst fears about the boring sameness of the show’s content and discussion thereof. So the Rachel blokes are strangers to me. Dean seems nice but dim. Lovely Kristina (I want to spell her name in Cyrillic! Кристина!) arrives with a lighter shade of hair and more modest floral drape rather than the usual bikini top & shorts. In true Russian fashion she heads for the bar first. Danielle M is next. Has she had some help along the bustline? To be fair there was nowhere to go but up. Or perhaps out. Return of Ben. He quickly alpha-males Dean into submission and singles out Raven to bore her to death with stories of his…dogs as the producers mock him with circus background music. Next up – the New Zealand national rugby team’s tight-head prop arrives. Oh wait - this is an American named Iggy who is sweating profusely through his shirt. Perpetually angry Jasmine arrives, followed by Jack Stone. It’s already obvious that Rachel’s rejects seem mutually ecstatic that they escaped her season. Alexis of Joisey then arrives. Alexis-as-shark was a rather obvious entrance from the ocean setup. Hot tip: if your costume is the most interesting thing about you then you are boring indeed even with your ridiculous false lashes. DeMario actually says he’s on BIP for THE RIGHT REASONS but what, pray tell, are those? He has an annoying lifeguard whistle. He also has an unbroken string of clichés (wingman, homey, etc.). Derek and Alex arrive and are roundly ignored. Corinne (one R – must remember that) is two-fisting the champers courtesy of the prop department. Her hair is in a state as usual. ‘If you want this you have to work REEEEEAL hard.’ Does working hard mean breathing and blinking one’s eyes? Those seem to be her only criteria. ‘I am doing me’ she intones repeatedly. Has this cosseted princess ever done otherwise? Corinne’s toast is more of a speech with no spaces between the words: ‘Ithinkit’sgoingtobereallyfuninterestingsummer…..’ Dark horse Dean wastes no time in pulling Kristina aside. Her ‘flawed gem’ backstory is irresistible to the lads especially when combined with her physical attributes and exotic accent. Both of them play with their (own) hair furiously – mirrored body language is usually a good sign. Lacey says she would rather be known as Camel Girl than to be anonymous. But many of us remember Lacey mostly for her nagging and jealousy. Lacey and Corinne haven’t read the memo: center-parted hair went out in 2015. Is she sporting a Star of David necklace? Matt the Penguin arrives in another costume in an attempt to conceal his male pattern baldness. Rachel, Dean and Alex get points for their nonplussed reaction. Semi-Santa Nick stages a beach landing…Objective: Jasmine. Cue 7th grade spin the bottle mash session with immature Lacey leering at them. Amanda. Ugh. Over the last 10 years OJ Simpson has seen more of his children than Amanda has of hers. Amanda pretends giving the ring back is her idea rather than the insurance underwriters’ contractual demand. Taylor. Even more ugh especially as she talks exclusively through her nose. Honk! People weren’t nice to her? Maybe it’s because she is abhorrent and full of herself. Taylor appears to have a long scar probably from spinal surgery between her shoulder blades. Did we know about this? Can’t recall. The fourth wall is well and truly broken as DeMario and Corinne march through Alex's on-camera interview. Spare a thought for the crew who are wearing long sleeves in the tropics. ‘Reality’ TV comes courtesy of lights, rigging, power, cables – in other words, it’s the same as a scripted show. Probably because it is, right down to the crabs edited in. Is Jorge really leaving a cushy sure-thing job to drive tourists around in a van in the stifling inland heat? Aren’t there about 5,302 outfits doing the exact same thing in Mexico? The appearance of Wells COULD be a case of standing NAFTA on its head or, more likely, a lame reenactment of Lady Chatterly’s Lover will soon take place with one of the cast. Raven is stress eating. Danielle is overthinking. Kristina, unsurprisingly, wields the first date card and, unsurprisingly, chooses Dean. More stress eating and overthinking from Raven & Danielle. Wells playing agony aunt is unconvincing…it’s not in the male DNA. Iggy grabs Lacey by the scruff of the neck. This is what passes for seduction in his world. Sadly, she must take compassionate leave. Kristina looks stunning. Dean can’t be fussed to change out of his stretched-out T-shirt. Dean, my man, when you’re locking lips there’s no need to gild the lily with more conversation. Speaking of latching on, Jasmine is already onto a second suitor in the pool. Robby arrives and makes some questionable choices in female chat partners. Raven’s next bikini top will be no top at all, apparently. All the girls risk a serious case of beard stubble rash. Raven is spared from resorting to nudity by getting Robby’s date card. Of all the non-jobs in the world to claim, ‘social media influencer’ might be bottom of the barrel. What happened to the Bachelor tradition of bartenders claiming to be personal trainers? The producers have cooked up a new angle: the dog edit. Ben won’t shut up about dogs. But fair play to him for dogging Robby right under Robby’s muzzle. Robby has a wheel house. We know this because he says it a dozen times. But Raven plans to stick a wrench in the gears. What’s the opposite of false humility? It might be the ‘I’m a princess so treat me like one.’ It’s meant to be a playful, facetious ego-boost for the insecure but it is a MAJOR turn-off for the lads. Of course, Jasmine has chosen the path of the foolish. Gentlemen and boot-lickers are not the same thing so make up your mind please. The less said about drag queens and shows the better. Why any sad individual would find this 5-second, one-punchline routine capable of constituting an evening’s entertainment is a complete mystery. The entire crew downs tools. Panic ensues. Previews show CH scolding the cast the way summer camp counselors tut-tut after their campers misbehave. As first episodes go it was an absolute dud thanks mostly to the timidity and elliptical approaches of the Sensitive New Age Guys and the decidedly average contingent of females. Many of us can recall the long string of confident, curvaceous, photogenic party-hearty lasses from the Bachelor Pad days who put these pouty insecure also-rans in the shade. In my view it’s a huge mistake to sacrifice a bit of Carnal Knowledge for yet more Commitment and effectively convert BIP into just another simultaneous combined season of The Bachelor & The Bachelorette but obviously the producers’ belief – possibly based on lonely-hearts audience demographics & research – is that Harlequin romance dates are more interesting than dirty drunken dalliances under the duvet. There are also ‘residuals’ in the form of engagements, weddings, etc. that the producers love to exploit. Evan, you poor bastard. It’s just as well because their lasting-relationship track record with the flagship B programs has been abysmal for quite some time no matter how many PR reps they have planting stories in supermarket glossies.

Well, they kept throwing gasoline on a fire and got burnt. As usual, the producers' claims of surprise over the result are the most disingenuous and annoying portion of the story. Correction: the politically correct Little Red Book Of HR Management and its cult-like adherents are equally annoying. The phrase 'consenting adults' and its meaning seems to have disappeared especially among tongue-clucking overgrown hall monitors. At least the old Puritans had the courage to condemn acts they disapproved of. The New Puritans are cowards hiding behind rules, regulations and box-ticking. If 'being uncomfortable' is a standard for scrapping any human endeavor then there are no standards at all except the caprice of self-appointed saints. Presumably the participants signed contracts and, crucially, waivers. I don't know DeMario from Adam's housecat since I rarely watch The Bachelorette but if his quote 'he and Corinne were informed by producers that 'one of the story lines would be the two of them hooking up' is anything close to accurate then a) it confirms what we already suspected about scripting and b) he was behaving in accordance with their wishes. Then there are the financial aspects. Shooting was done in Mexico primarily because it's cheap(er). Although they'll never admit it, moving production out of the States also gets them away from some of the red tape in the US including union rules, which is why so many productions move to Vancouver and elsewhere. Chris Harrison acquired a stake as producer several years back, which I believe is one reason for the transition from Bachelor Pad to BIP ie higher margins and sillier plots to entice the gullible (Bachelor Pad always had superior, er, 'talent' as its cast could remain in LA). But any production must deal with insurance, bonding, etc. before a minute of footage is shot. If they have, in fact, scratched the entire season that represents a huge loss for the producers and/or their underwriters. It also presents ABC/Disney with a massive hole in their otherwise moribund summer schedule and a PR disaster when they must explain the hows and whys. And speaking of Disney, one can't help but suspect that their unyielding corporate culture might have contributed to the laughable charge of 'workplace misconduct' as if this were a widget factory and two people had a quick smooch in the canteen during a break. Workplace Misconduct could be the alternate title for this drunken gropefest. It's a hell of a time to discover young horny singles might get drunk and let nature take its course.

The Corinne Show will be tough sledding, especially given that she will be permitted, even encouraged, to drink her breakfast and all subsequent meals. Let's set the over/under of sexual partners in sandy, sweaty, mosquito-ridden Mexico at 3. Glad to see Kristina included. In any other year she might have been an excellent choice for Bachelorette but, in a deliciously ironic twist, BIP is producing more solid couples than the Bachelor/Bachelorette so Rachel can have her fake-energy 'winner.' Amanda's reappearance is somewhere between pathetic and desperate on her part and on the part of the producers. Low IQ contestants are nothing new to this franchise but she is as shallow as a saucer. Her dating banter consists mostly of 'Do you like me? Cos I like you.' Repeat ad infinitum, ad nauseum. Amanda, you have not one but two daughters who are rapidly leaving the cute stage(s) behind. First of all, they haven't seen much of you over the past few years and young men aren't going to fancy an abrupt shift from single and carefree to doing the school run and burning up entire weekends at soccer tournaments. Your crying jags are a major turnoff as well. It stands to reason that this is a better income opportunity than anything at home so here she is again. Raven was probably another inevitable choice but it remains to be seen if she will be permitted to get the trowel for her makeup through TSA screening and Mexican customs. This might be a good time to abandon the ill-advised gallon of foundation and rely on one's own features and youth. Alexis - boring. Lacey - boring and annoying. Her scenery chewing at TWTA still rankles especially given her futile, forgettable, short stint on the Bachelor. Danielle M - fool's gold. Willowy blonde with not a lot going on behind the eyes and between the ears. And these blokes will want curves, not straight lines, especially with everyone wearing next to nothing. Taylor - Bachelor version of a pit bull. Everyone's excited to buy the puppy, thinks it's cute, disputes all the bad publicity....and then wants to get rid less than a year later. Obviously brought in to clash with everyone and anyone and no doubt she will play the part to the hilt. Jasmine - speaking of clashing, her finger will be wagging in the air more than the fronds of the palm trees. Just an angry, resentful personality. The blokes are nondescript to a fault. The beard stubble thing is two years out of date already. Buy a damned razor and use it. Given their numbers and cold oatmeal personalities it goes without saying that the male intruders will all be threatening alpha types. But casting and producer tricks can't overcome the primitive tribal nature of Homo sapiens. M/F relationships and peer friendships that form early will be the strongest and late arrivals will have the usual difficulty in ingratiating themselves, stealing partners, getting dates, and being accepted in general. It's a shame JoJo is taken. Could have done with a few weeks of her traipsing around in swimwear. Perhaps Astrid, Whitney and/or Danielle L will arrive late to dazzle the camera lens and to try to forget their encounters with Nick.

We’ll start with another confession with a bit of accidental historical perspective: as a recovering (and constantly lapsing) completist/archivist, I have been digitizing some VHS tapes to get rid of their space-eating bulk (they’ve moved house several times in the last few years due to my procrastination), mostly to keep a handful of some news and sporting events. As fate would have it one tape had a partial episode of The Bachelor from AD 2004. It was the Byron season ie the professional bass angler (?!) with the weather-beaten face, slicked-back blonde hair and male model aura. Given the time of year, I was fascinated to spot the differences between then and now. Those differences were legion. It was the pre-HDTV era (4:3 aspect ratio, standard definition picture) and ABC’s post-production excess made the present-day version seem tame. Nearly every camera cut prompted those sizzling cymbals and an epilepsy-inducing flash of light. They were trying to out-commercial their commercials with shots of beaches, sunsets, silhouettes of joggers, boats, cars, etc. But the most striking contrast between then and now was the cast. These people were amazingly fit in both the American (slim and trim) and British (strikingly attractive) senses of the word. Byron may not have been a theoretical mathematician himself but he made Nick look like an overgrown 8th grader who refuses to shave because he’s thrilled to have whiskers for the first time. The 2004 women – and they were WOMEN, most of them in their early 30s – were more like a modern-day cast from a Real Housewives series. They were gorgeous, confident and alluring and could string multiple sentences together. Did they benefit from the contemporary broadcast technology’s inability to convey every crease or flaw? Possibly. But bone structure can’t be faked and they had it in spades. Nostalgia? Perhaps a bit of it. In any case, they also made this season’s gaggle of I-suppose-she-looks-ok-from-a-certain-angle types look positively mediocre. Probably because they are. Casting for the Bachelor has either become an exercise in desperation or in cynicism – maybe both. The ubiquity of social media means that anyone in the public eye for any reason will become a lightning rod for conversation, controversy and outright hatred and abuse from some disturbed individuals. It seems rather safe (and obvious) to say that women who know better are steering well clear of The Bachelor franchise because they want no part of the slings and arrows. Desperation is forcing the producers to cast young, naïve, and/or unstable females raised on a diet of Snapchat and Instagram for whom fame outweighs fear. Cynicism is rife on all sides, including the audience’s, but it didn’t need to be so. The producers long ago abandoned The Right Reasons ie authentic competition in favor of pantomime featuring The Bitch archetype ie a contestant with no real chance of winning but who occupies more screen time than even The Bachelor himself. The Bitch is a conversation piece and convenient filler. And God knows they’ve needed plenty of both this year due to a) The cold-fish Bachelor and b) the lack of mystery, suspense, etc. If The Bitch warms to her part and willingly participates in provocative dialogue and acts contrived by the producers so much the better. With all due respect to those who had Raven pegged as the winner, it was clear from Nick’s reactions throughout and the futile red-herring edits that conveyed Vanessa as a weepy fence-sitter that she was walking to victory, such as it is. I didn’t check spoilers this season and would have been disappointed in myself if I did, so obvious was the result. Raven attempted to sell the salesman with a flood of I Love Yous but he never stopped treating her like she had a case of poison ivy he wasn’t keen to brush against. His body language was tortured…or simply absent most of the time. Raven can claim one victory – she is the recipient of this year’s Golden Trowel Award for applying a dense and jarringly obvious layer of makeup at all times in all situations. Raven, you had nothing to apologize for in your shapely, snug jeans and you are this season’s long hair champion by a comfortable margin (let’s hope that trend returns to the 70s where it belongs). Now it’s time for a new look in all departments including geography. Math is hard but let us try. A small town population 2,800 means a male population of 1,300. If we pare away those aged less than 20 and over 40 we’re left with ¼ of that figure or 325 males. If we assume half of those are married or otherwise occupied that leaves 163 (we’ll round up cos we like you). In other words, Raven, you could have a date per day with every eligible male in town and still have six months left over on the calendar. You probably know every one of them already anyway and the non-starters would cut the field down even more, say to 100. It probably won’t happen for you in Hoxie. Capitalize on Dad’s good health fortune and go Where The Boys Are, wherever you think that may be. The Shoe Shot is always meant to draw gasps. Feet extend out of limo and touch down on the ground – or in this case the snow. It’s the Runner Up walking to her doom! Fair play to Raven who was more annoyed than disappointed. I like cynical girls (hat tip Marshall Crenshaw) and she’s definitely one. The worst-kept secret of the Bachelor franchise played out next, with Vanessa and her deal-closing cleavage framed by fur. Both speeches were well-rehearsed but rehearsed nevertheless. Vanessa was genuinely overcome with emotion…for the ring, mostly. To celebrate, Nick hoisted the diminutive Vanessa into the air repeatedly. As you do. Nick and Vanessa may have recovered from jet lag, but they have replaced it with relationship lag. Grim-faced, evasive, overly analytical. Nick says they’re ‘being realistic’ (I think he means pessimistic…he sure looks that way) and Vanessa says ‘they’re taking baby steps’ but haven’t they already taken giant leaps by proposing and accepting, respectively? C’mon…perma-tanned Neil Lane even flew to Lapland! Harrison asks about plans and they offer downcast eyes and vague, elliptical responses with a surfeit of conditionals and hypotheticals. This looks to be the Edmund Fitzgerald of love in which a disaster occurs between the US and Canada. Clever editing couldn’t salvage this real-time wreck and the subject was changed mercifully (?) and early to Bachelorette Rachel, whose segments constituted nearly 40% of this moribund, anticlimactic ATFR. That can’t be coincidence or mere eagerness to hype her season. I half expected stagehands to come out with shepherds’ crooks and yank Nick & Ness offstage. Rachel’s sneak preview even included two leadoff men and revealed (as if we didn’t know already) that her season will be a stultifying exercise in racial bean-counting dye-ver-suh-tee. One from each column, with conflict inevitable – because conflict will be purposely engineered in the name of social consciousness. Can’t they let this person be a person and not a color? It would be so much more interesting and refreshing. Speaking of lessons, we can only hope that Fleiss, Harrison & Co. have learned the hard way about the Law Of Diminishing Returns and that recycled contestants have cheap and easy Bachelor-centric backstories that are known and/or readily accessible to the audience. But that same audience can quickly grow tired – even sick – of contestants who descend rapidly from dynamism to dud. Nick, who learned the fine art of passivity from his bawling, henpecked father, was never going to be A Good Catch, mostly because he didn’t want to be. To him, commitment is more about a loss of freedom and less about adding a life partner. 29 women discovered this, some more quickly than others, some more painfully than others, but the one woman left standing seems to reaching the same conclusion and will most likely be back in her Montreal classroom very soon. And single again.

As usual and necessary, the length of these posts decreases with the amount of content in the final stages and there was precious little content last night. ABC’s rush to beat the world over the head with raceraceraceracerace all the timetimetimetimetime meant that they were willing to sabotage the suspense of their own ratings cash cow by obviating the penultimate RC. As I have avoided spoilers, I admit I was a bit surprised at Raven’s inclusion in the F2 ie I thought Rachel’s Bachelorette status was predicated on her finishing as runner-up. But even without spoilers the outcome is glaringly obvious (?) despite the surfeit of tears and tantrums we are being disingenuously fed. Raven has become a woman in full, as her smirk betrays. Her achievement at the, er, hands of what effectively is a casual hook-up is apparently cause for a joyful romp through a frozen village where ‘rainbow sticks’ were deemed necessary to break up the visual monotony (houses in Iceland are painted vivid colors for the same reason). The Big O Parade is entirely producer-driven, contrived and embarrassing but then that description could apply to The Bachelor/ette as a whole. Rachel can be excused for her lack of ski experience but isn’t Nick from Wisconsin? He never fails to fail, as CSN once sang. Still, after tea, a Deep & Meaningful in the Finnish version of a teepee and a reindeer-pulled sleigh ride (complete with GoPro camera mounted on the front), Rachel awakes with a giddy, silly grin on her face similar to Raven. Fair dues to Nick – nobody can understand a Goddamned word he says but his moving parts speak clearly enough. One might think Rachel would consider her reputation and standing as an attorney before deciding to shack up on teevee but she was living in the moment, maaaan. Back home, however, Judge Dad has probably smashed his gavel into splinters. The sweat, the cold air and the icy water mean Vanessa’s Italianiate proboscis has lost its carefully-applied shading for much of her encounter with Nick but he’s so smitten he doesn’t know or care. There are a few musket balls fired in an impromptu Border War as the American and Canadian sides express their national pride with neither relishing the thought of ex-pat life even to pursue a relationship. She slipstreams the L word very skillfully into the conversation, it must be said. The RC is a non-event except to note that Raven is shifting around uncomfortably as she soberly assesses her long odds vis-à-vis the competition. I believe Vanessa has an unbroken string of RCs this season in which she avoids eye contact with her peers. A cold one, she is. Rachel is mildly upset but mostly philosophical. Perhaps Nick’s ‘closing argument’ ended up convincing her she’d had a lucky escape. The Women Tell All is a curious title given that ‘telling’ sounds mostly like ‘shouting’ (much to the visible annoyance of schoolmaster Harrison) and that they don’t tell ‘all,’ they simply relive events we’ve already seen, except in the case of people like Liz who wage a desperate campaign of revisionism. Her embarrassing episode even occurred off-screen and before filming began. She insists that her past is a non-issue as she continues to make it a very large issue for a quarter of an hour. And why was she given a couch segment? We can only conclude that after her brief stint on the show Liz got lost in the Self-Help/Personal Growth section of Barnes & Noble and read every book on the shelves…or at least all the cover blurbs. Cue the cod-feminism: ‘you deserve a man who will love you.’ Deserve? From where does this entitlement mentality originate? Isn’t the whole point of relationships and this show in particular to meet someone halfway at least, and to give as much as necessary when occasion demands? It all descends into mawkish Dr Phil treacle as spotlight-hogging Liz bangs on about ‘women who have changed my life’ and the entire gaggle are compelled to give themselves a round of Amen Sister applause – for what, exactly, we’re not quite certain. The Image Rehab Hallelujah Chorus are in full throat now – forget that Liz likes a drunken shag (don’t we all?), she builds wells for orphanages! We already know she can dig herself a rather deep hole so who are we to argue? Josephine has been rushed into the studio after her shift at Disney’s Haunted Mansion and is still in her work makeup and costume. Danielle M has joined Danielle L in eliminating the front portion of her dress, although the contrast in cleavage couldn’t be greater. Perhaps the audience warm-up act played a game of Let's Count Danielle M’s Ribs? Inevitably, the two Heavyweights Of Hatred are brought forth. Taylor still looks as if she’s chewing a wasp and moans about her career being affected as if she wasn’t a direct participant in her demise. She was always more fraud than Freud anyway. Corinne is playing her part to the hilt now and the clapping sea lions in the audience love it. Throw them a fish. Or some cheese pasta. I reckon the ink is already dry on Cor’s Bachelor In Paradise contract. Perhaps Daddy even negotiated a one-bedroom suite for his princess? Get the bar ready, Jorge. Your best and most demanding customer is en route. Poor Kristina is asked to relate her tear-jerker story – again – because most Yanks are morbidly fascinated by her desperate life of privation. Kristina dazzles in red. The producers may have missed a trick by not casting her as Bachelorette. It’s almost certain that this bit of Глазные конфеты (eye candy) will also be heading to BIP but it seems a shame since she’s almost certain to be pursued and caught by one or more of the usual dim bulbs recruited from the male side. What's that sound? Oh, hang on…Liz is STILL TALKING! This attention-seeker has somehow made the Kristina orphanage story about Liz! Speaking of Still Talking, can nobody shut the gaping maw of Lacey? What a foghorn she is. One can puzzle all day over quiet, elegant Whitney’s status as a single lady but screeching Lacey has the blokes sprinting for the exits, I’ll wager. Another camera time addict, she lies shamelessly about her final moments in Nick’s presence and trots out the smarmy ‘word of advice’ preamble. Lacey, nobody wants to hear your words or your advice. Wind your neck in. If nothing else, TWTA is a handy case study for proving that leopards don’t change their spots. The demure ones stay that way. The busybodies do too. And the contenders and no-hopers are usually obvious.

Quoth the Raven: ‘I’ve never had the big O.’ Well, at least it rhymes with Poe. But surely the devil has found work for idle hands in sleepy Hoxie? We weren't born yesterday and neither was Raven. Welcome to fabulous…Brooklyn? Yes, it’s the current capital of gentrification but most people, including Tha Bashler, who count NYC as their favorite city are usually talking about Manhattan, aren’t they? But this is – and has been – The Bachelor On A Tight Budget for several years now. One might draw a link of correlation, even causation, between the elevation of Chris Harrison to producer and the grasping, eternal search for freebies – flights, hotels, resorts, food. The entire production was settled nicely in a fantastic hotel on a rocky promontory overlooking the Charlotte Amalie harbor in St Thomas USVI but inexplicably decamped to the Bahamas simply because the ‘promotional consideration’ had expired. Bachelor In Paradise’s er, paradise is actually a connected series of forlorn huts along a Mexican beach. It requires all 24 hours of a 24-hour bar to convince the tipsy visitors that it’s luxurious. According to Google Maps, the William Vale is…not even built! Seriously – in the satellite view it’s a block of flat brown earth. Obviously it’s a new or rebuilt hotel and rates are shown at $282/night. Not cheap in most places but for NYC, even across the river in Brooklyn, that seems low ie right in line with Bachelor’s cheese-paring expenditures. The point of all that is while the audience scratches its head over the slim pickings that comprise most of the cast each season, the producers don’t seem to realize that photogenic young persons considering participation in this madness are also keeping a close eye on the activities and locations. A cheap picnic sitting on a roadside guardrail, even in USVI, is not the same thing as a spa day and a lunch and/or dinner. Walking through a horse barn is not the same thing as a trip to Keeneland or the Breeders’ Cup. Yes, they’re interested in the Bachelor but with all the down time the least the purchasing department can do is spring for an adequate number of hotel rooms. And so, hipster Nick has been ensconced in hipster Brooklyn whereupon Andi and her leather-clad hips arrive for a visit. Andi is her usual pleasant self – disapproving, hectoring, cynical. Her prepped arrival line sounds…prepped. The dynamic is one of a teacher conversing with a precocious junior in her class, a mile-wide maturity gulf separating them. The editing suggests that Andi the solicitor’s unsolicited advice is being delivered at a inconsiderate leisurely pace as the ladies freeze their knackers off outside in October/November with the added misery of wind blowing in off the cold water. Nobody told them to wear cutout dresses made mostly of air but the need for heavy topcoats ruins the visual effect. Nick gives the most unamazing ‘amazing’ speech ever. Harrison, also freezing cold, fairly sprints on and off stage to give his last rites – I mean, last rose announcement. Corinne is starting to suss out the result here. No stunned silence or cold AshLee-style anger for Corinne – she begins sobbing instantly. Hey wait! The sound and lighting techs aren’t in place to fully document your misery! In the end, Nick just couldn’t face the prospect of maxing out his Visa the first time they popped down to the shops together, free champagne notwithstanding. Corinne’s tears are in short supply – she’s already in Grrrl Power mode, has possibly had a drink or three, and then promptly falls asleep. No change there then. Nick dutifully pretends he wants to go to Finland and is put on a plane with interior lighting brighter than that of a hospital operating theatre whereas every other trans-Atlantic flight is kept very dark to entice the passengers to sleep. ABC displays a map of Finland because – let’s face it – a large chunk of the viewership are geographically challenged and have no idea where Finland might be. Is it a foreign word for The North Pole? Do they recognize real reindeer contrasted with Rudolph et al? The next 20 min of broadcast time become, inexplicably, The Raven Show. Raven goes round the houses relating her brief sexual history to the camera and round the houses again explaining it all to Nick as she squirms and shifts and eventually gets to the L word. Raven’s a nice enough girl – probably too nice for this ordeal. No O (letter) yet but there is a big 0 as in a score of Zero on the Periodic Table – there is absolutely no chemistry between these two. To preview a 3-hour (!) ‘Bachelor Event,’ ABC serves up 3 full minutes of teaser, including the inevitable reprise of the Corinne/Taylor deathmatch. Except for these two, however, there was no real animosity between members of this rather docile pack. In a way, it may be more silent commentary on their tepid interest in Nick then and now. An American in an arctic wilderness? It must be time for a Rocky IV training montage, complete with more copyright-dodging Rocky-style music with keyboards standing in for trumpets. It must be said that the sequencing and subject matter last week, this week and next appear to be a deliberate attempt by the producers to telegraph the result. Would Raven get an episode, albeit short, mostly dedicated to her if she were going on to the final? Common sense and the Vanessa/Rachel teaser sequences say no. And then there was the Bachelorette announcement of last week. It is a seemingly easy task to connect this very small number of very large dots. The producers have long had to laugh mirthlessly and shrug off spoilers, claiming the information was incorrect when, in fact, it was deadly accurate. They’ve also quietly pursued the source(s) of these spoilers and attempted to silence them. But now they seem to be adopting the enemy’s tactics by spoiling their own show. Very odd behavior but perhaps a petulant, self-sabotage reaction to this stultifying season and their buyer’s remorse over the wooden, diffident Bashler.

I’m a guarded person but I feel in this support group I can make a confession: I forgot to watch the show. I looked at the clock/calendar this morning and realized it was Tuesday. Which means last night was Monday. Which means the show aired hours ago and I’ve only just watched a copy. Everyone’s schedule and priorities are different but consciously or unconsciously this lack of tension, anticipation, excitement etc. is mirrored by lack of same from the Bachelorettes. Nick is the Ashes* trophy – a tiny nondescript trinket people lose their minds over without being able to rationally explain why. *a biennial series of cricket matches between England and Australia a By now these ladies show zero sign of excitement or giddiness. They can’t even be fussed to smile when he enters the room. Instead, they look like family members of a hospital patient waiting for the doctor to deliver bad news. ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen’…’I’m freaking out’…etc etc. Not even the over-the-top suspenseful music can create, y’know, suspense. ‘That was a tough one,’ sez Nick. Poor fella. The ladies’ body language nearly screams aloud. Raven has her Southern half-smile pasted on, the one reserved for individuals who are being less than truthful. Rachel and Vanessa rest heads on hands, curl up in near-fetal balls and stare at the couch. Only Corinne musters up some eye contact albeit a blank look. Cue the reverb-drenched tinkly piano. Vanessa: ‘Nick shocks us.’ He does?! Four people, four roses. You’re a teacher. Do the math. Aside: Chris Harrison was interviewed on Radio Row at the Super Bowl earlier this month. Granted, they were guy-stuff sports-oriented shows but it was still telling` that Harrison spoke mostly about the ‘secret’ male Bachelor audience and their (whispered) mastery of minutiae from the show. At no time did Harrison reference any of the current season cast members including kooky Corinne. Either he is downplaying the lack of sizzle this season due to poor casting decisions (in which he participated) or he is whistling past the graveyard. Destination Hoxie, where stereotyping is not only permitted, it’s encouraged! Apparently teevee people from the coasts believe that a) everyone in rural America owns an ATV and b) they are first choice for everyday transportation. To be fair, when a silo must serve as Inspiration Point the choices are limited. Brother Deputy Enos arrives with his body armor frayed and flapping in the wind. And now…more ATV rides with Elvis’ entrance music playing….’I said C! CC Rider...’ Nothing says love like a bite from a copperhead in a swamp! Understatement of the year to say these two are forcing it. Raven is overwhelmed by Dad’s good health news and Novocain Nick is too numb to even manage a hug or a pat on the shoulder. Basic human empathy is beyond his modest gifts. Raven turns chicken (geddit?) over the L word and Nick’s ‘poker tell’ of lisping and looking at the ground when he’s uncomfortable returns. Nick’s…excited. He says. Yay. Hooray. It’s surprising that Rachel can see Nick ‘beyond the surface stuff’ since the producers are bound and determined to focus exclusively on the surface stuff. But Nick is already 100x times more responsive and alert with Rachel than with Raven. The big Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? moment is completely spoiled by…another white guy with his feet under the table! And he’s married into the family already! And they have a kid! And the other white guy even has a lisp and an unattractive beard. So much for culture shock. Turns out Nick is old hat, much to the producers’ chagrin. But that doesn’t mean all involved won’t beat the dead horse of race some more. I feel actual sympathy for Nick – he wants to talk about Rachel’s personality and individuality despite the family’s repeated attempts to dwell on the superficial. In the real world just outside, especially in large metro areas, mixed-race couples are mostly unremarkable, even commonplace. Let’s move on. Please. Nick has another moment of clarity: he acknowledges his relationship with Corinne is ‘based on our physical connection.’ Beyond casual hookups, Corinne’s specialty is superficiality. Eva Gabor wasn’t this materialistic on Green Acres and she was playing a caricature. When the centurion on Daddy’s Amex is crying blood every month, the least your sales gerbil can do is serve up some cheap champers. After all, who doesn’t need a woolen peacoat in South Florida? ‘Corinne doesn’t take herself too seriously.’ He may have a point. If she can drop $8K on another load of rubbish she doesn't really need, how serious can she be? And how seriously should Nick take a declaration of love from a spoiled princess? Shouldn’t a fashion maven have a look in the mirror and admit that having an avoirdupois should preclude wearing jeans and a crop top that advertise it? Meet The Parents..and The Help! Aren’t you loving Mom and Dad’s honey-dipped Dixie accents? Southern pecan delights, they are. Nick passes the Olive Test. Taylor beams just like any 14 year old girl would on her favorite subject of olives. The Happy Music plays. Hilariously, Corinne is at a loss to relate the details of Nick’s livelihood and the editors would probably delete any factually accurate reference to ‘reality TV glory hunter.’ Dad’s not having it – probably because he’s already obtained Nick’s Experian report. Vanessa and her school are next. I’m not familiar with the Canadian/Quebec system but aren’t some of these students far too old for school even if it’s special education? And how many rhetorical questions will I ask here? Nick’s on a cultural merry-go-round, meeting an Italian family in a Francophone province. Vanessa’s sister gets to crying. Nick’s a past master so he tears up instantly. Vanessa has a Deep & Meaningful with her brother, Chachi. Because peach-fuzzed adolescent lads are proper sages when it comes to long-term adult relationships. The large gathering at Mom’s becomes a bucket brigade as they take turns pouring cold water on the relationship. Stepmother offers what masquerades as insight in AD 2017: ‘It is what it is.’ Dad is not impressed. He gives it the unvarnished Argumentative, Disdainful Frenchman routine and rightly so. Nick is reduced to a stuttering mess. Speaking of body language, Dad is leaning so far away from Nick that Dad nearly slips off the sofa. A relationship just might not be at the proposal stage if one participant is forced to canvass for second-hand information about her potential spouse’s intentions. But hey, they’ve got a reality show to tape here so direct communication is discouraged. Nick thinks NYC is romantic. Yes, the home of car horns, immobile crosstown traffic, JFK airport, decrepit bridges and tunnels, and $50/hr parking. It’s not quite Paris, is it? Fair dues to those who predicted an Andi appearance. And she’s just as pleasant as ever which explains why I missed her season entirely. Next week’s preview: a helicopter. And snow. Is it too much to hope they’ve marooned Nick on an ice floe? No, we know from the season preview that Nick will be meeting with the finalists in Finland. Hey, maybe NYC isn’t so bad especially after choking down a meal of lutefisk...

PSA: if you are a user of Twitter or other forms of Bachelor-related social media then use them with caution as spoiler(s) involving this season and upcoming series are in wide circulation tonight. ‘Nuff said. I compose this missive on a new keyboard...the Microsoft Sculpt. I will always miss those clickety-clack IBM mechanical keyboards and some present-day manufacturers sell them including models in ergonomic configurations which I prefer/require due to severe breaks of both wrists once upon a time. But they want $300-400 for them. So I treated myself to the tune of $65. If you’re a fast touch typist it’s a quality piece of kit. Exasperation with Nick is a universal condition…Bachelorettes, audience and now Chris Harrison, whose body language could not be any more clear after his abortive attempt at a pep talk. Nick’s vocabulary could charitably be called limited, therefore subtleties in his speech must be relied upon for insight. Nick ‘wants it to be real.’ Will someone tap him on the shoulder and point out that he’s not a bystander here? Nick says ‘I have six women left’ as if he’s counting the number of chips in his dwindling stack at the blackjack table. Cynical sod. It seems that exotic locations bring out the worst excesses in Bachelor background music. Soap operas have more subtle cues that this show. Lots of ssssssSSSSSSSSS cymbal crescendos as usual and this week we’re getting some dramatic tympani rolls – bbbrrrrruuUUUMMMMBBBB! We have the Suspense Theme, the Morning Has Broken theme, and at least two instances of, shall we say, 70s Adult Entertainment music complete with wah-wah guitar. The apparent message is that any impending male-female flirtation ie the raison d'être of this show must be portrayed as pornography. And finally, there’s even a copyright-mocking pastiche of the Jaws theme. Leaving the Virgin Islands to go north to the Bahamas makes no sense at all…until you consider the Law of Free Stuff carefully adhered to by the producers. One of the Bachelorettes even mentions the hospitality provider in a voiceover! St Thomas/Charlotte Amalie is admittedly a bit tacky due to its role as the transport and commercial hub but God knows there are literally thousands of secluded spots and beaches in both USVI and British VI that knock Bimini into a cocked hat. For crying out loud – Bimini is on the same latitude as Miami while USVI is due east of Puerto Rico! It’s understandable that the Bachelor is viewed as a golden goose (it wouldn’t be on the air if it wasn’t) but the teaser segments are longer than the broadcast segments and the commercial breaks are longer than either of those! Vanessa’s snorkel date segment lasted 5 min 10 sec while the ad and ABC promo break that followed was of equal length. Ridiculous. Last week and this we see a dark-haired lass in a buffalo check shirt having a crying jag. As usual with the teaser editing her face is obscured but keen-eyed viewers can tell it is/was Kristina by her earrings. Dear Corinne: I don’t think Rachel has any interest in validating your catty remarks about Vanessa but as a lawyer she should point out that Nick’s opinion is the only one that matters. Let’s not mince words: Vanessa is clearly a Nick fave. His behavior approaches normality when he’s with her. Canada has always shamed the US at the Olympics with their uniforms. Theirs are red, understated, stylish and attractive while the Americans invariably trot out some tacky, garish star-spangled monstrosity that Evel Knievel might think twice about wearing. Despite her true blue Quebecois background, Vanessa stuns in her Canadian red bikini with nary a tattoo to spoil the view. Vanessa does her best cow eyes at dinner, blinking s-l-o-w-l-y but despite the come-hither looks and the *gasp* ‘falling in love’ speech, Nick is too much a product of the proverbial system to buck it now. He makes his excuses and annoys her greatly. The group date ladies are all proud of their long locks but when will these slaves to blow dryers and hair irons realize that yachting and open water is a very windy business? Tie the hair up and get on with the day – we’re sick of seeing you pulling your hair out of your face with every. single. shot. This isn’t the red carpet – it’s a boat deck. It has been conclusively proven that the mere sight of the nape of a woman's neck generates a response in men so drop the Morticia Addams look - especially you, Raven. Raven appeared to play gooseberry on the group date but despite a fair amount of touchy-feely with Corinne (and her beer gut) and Kristina it’s Arkansas’ own who snatches the rose out of near-obscurity. The Fleiss barter economy continues with the musical artist getting namechecked in exchange for performing. With its stop-start arrangement it was a difficult song to dance to – not that the couple had any intention of actually dancing. Danielle’s date is next. Mopey Nick has returned. He doesn’t want to be there – it’s as obvious as an ocean liner. He breaks the bad news soon enough. Danielle’s reaction is interesting…she seemed to know it was inevitable but still grimaced involuntarily. Danielle’s date gives us a pretext for an intervention regarding Converse All-Stars aka Chuck Taylors. Ladies, they don’t look good. They don’t look cute, casual, playful or any other appealing adjective. They make even slender legs look short, stubby and thick and they do horrible things to your gait to say nothing of your feet especially if you don’t wear socks. If you must have classic kicks, get some K-Swiss originals, Nike Cortez or Adidas Gazelles. Thank me later. Stop and rewind that tape! Did Corinne say something trenchant and insightful or was that the wine talking? Her Bachelor room raid goes horribly wrong, not least because search parties have still been unable to locate Nick’s libido. Corinne is left to teeter back to the girls’ suite in her Louboutins – she looks as if she’s learning to ice skate in them. Nick is surprised at Corinne’s visit? He’s down to 5 women from a pool of 30 – why would a bit of initiative surprise him? Rachel and Nick’s date is a by-the-numbers island encounter, right down to the slightly dodgy bloke hanging around a bar asking intrusive questions and offering unsolicited cod-philosophy. The absence of the RC serving as the natural and obvious denouement each week means that the last half hour of this episode absolutely dragged. There was nothing happening except Nick’s inexplicable, tiresome blubbering. Lovely Kristina has had a lucky escape even if she doesn’t think so. As expected given her background, she can fight like an alley cat when things get tense. Next week features a mystery visitor, also wobbling in vertiginous heels. My money is on Kaitlyn who will have the thankless job of getting Nick’s mind right.