NinjaPenguins

Billy: Noooo comment, bro. The family requests privacy at this time. How is it you dipshits are just getting onto this story? How did you get a direct line to the co-CEO’s office anyway? You found it written on a bus station wall in Kenosha? Yeah, well, you’re not gonna find a good time talking to me. Buh bye. Kyle: Have you been spending the morning the same way I have? Billy: Nah, I always rub one out during my morning constitutional. Kyle: Mariah is coming back early from maternity leave to help us out. Billy: Fantastic. All hands on deck. Kyle: Mariah isn’t really swinging that way current- oh, deck. @@@@@@ Jack: Well, have you gotten a line on Stark’s money? I know you’re apparently a forensic accounting expert, but have you considered the obvious move of looking overseas? I gotta go. There’s an icy draft in here. Ashley: Ready for round two of pointless bickering? Jack: I was born ready, you toxic Newman ball washer. However, I’m busy trying to stick my nose into Diane’s legal defense. Ashley: You didn’t go to law school, you walking conclusion to a Hallmark movie. Jack: I’m a very rich man. People will treat me like an expert no matter what. Ashley: All you’re doing is preventing Diane from taking responsibility for her actions. Jack: It’s on like Donkey Kong. @@@@@@@ Daniel: No, no! Lily: It was just a bad dream. Daniel: … Lily: I’m here for you and I’m only wearing a bra. It’s okay. @@@@@@ Victor: It is strange being here. Tucker: You are 782 years old. It’s strange for you to be anywhere. Victor: This is where Phyllis met her tragic end, k? Tucker: It’s a place to absorb bourbon like a sponge and listen to decent music. I’m sure Phyllis would be just as unsentimental if I was a well grilled Tucker filet. Victor: I find this contract pleasing and have therefore signed it in blood. Prick your finger and do the same. Tucker: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? Victor: I don’t give a damn how I feel. Tucker: That makes no sense. Victor: I don’t enjoy things. I endure them. When it comes to business, I am ice cold. Once you sign that contract, McCall will be mine. Mwah ha ha. Tucker: That is the point of a contract. Victor: It will thrive, of course. I may have to rename it. Tucker: Call it Jiggly Balls International for all I care. I’m done with it and this one horse town. Victor: Are you looking for sympathy? Tucker: Not from your blighted soul. Well, I need to read this again, make sure you didn’t slip in any poison pills. Too soon? Victor: Youhaveanicedaynow. @@@@@@@@@ Ashley: The whole family will be flushed down the human toilet that is Diane. Jack: Are you saying you believe she’s capable of murder? She was barely able to pull off a fake jewel heist. Ashley: She’s capable of anything to get what she wants - a position in our company, your ring on her finger, being able to swan about the manse… she just had to get Phyllis out of the way. Jack: Have I been taking crazy pills? There was never a choice between Bluetooth and Diane. Phyllis and I were through. She got fired by her kids for being a wrecking ball. Ashley: I’m no Phyllis fan, but you were a total meanie to her after Diane returned from the dead. You pushed her away. Jack: I’m sorry I wasn’t kinder to an obsessive freak and compulsive cheater who married the criminal seeking revenge on Diane. Ashley: All Diane’s fault. You’re so blind, Jackie. Jack: If spite was helium, you could personally blow up a balloon that would fill one of Billy’s nostrils. @@@@@@@ Billy: You’ve been burning the candle at both ends. Kyle: I could riff off that cliche with a tasteless Phyllis joke, but Summer has sucked all the fun out of that. I’ll just say I’m happy to help my parents any way I can, even if it’s just inexplicably handling publicity. Billy: Summer’s still being an asshole, huh? Kyle: Always. She can’t even look at me, no matter how high and deep I pile my hair. The only solution is to prove Mom’s innocence. Then Summer will realize what a dumb bunny she’s been. Billy: I’m going to give you some advice based on my many years of failure and self-sabotage. Kyle: I’ve only got 15 minutes until my next conference call, Uncle Billy. Billy: You can take my advice or leave it on the lawn like an old pissed on sofa with a cardboard FOR FREE propped up next to it. You can shove it up your ass and to the left for all I care. But you’re handling Summer wrong. Kyle: What more can I do? She stays in her room unless it’s to spend time with Harrison. He’s the one who’s really suffering here. I can’t force her attentions to be directed at me. Billy: She grieves in her own way. Kyle: No shit, Sherlock. What’s your point? Billy: Separate rooms can become separate lives. A gap can become a chasm. A butt can become a biscuit. Why aren’t you writing this down? It’s fucking gold. Kyle: So you’re innovative idea is to keep doing what I’m doing. Billy: Only harder. @@@@@@ Lily: Can you remember your dream? Daniel: I was outside the coffee shop on a warm spring day, feeding my unicorn pellets of pure joy. I happened to look down the street. There was my mom, still alive. But… god, she smiled at me and instead of teeth, her gums were lined with blueberries. There was just all this blueberry juice dripping down her chin. Lily: Yikes. Daniel: Suddenly I was at my house in Savannah. No one else was there, and the place was bigger somehow. I opened one door and was swamped by a mess of cantaloupes. Another door led to a long hallway with hundreds of doors leading to more hallways. Summer was there, trying to sell pot to a border collie on roller skates. Lily: I used to dream about my dad after he died. I’d open the Silver Briefcase of Righteous Justice and Neil would pop out of it like a jack in the box. Daniel: I don’t feel so alone when I’m with someone who knows exactly what I’m going through. Plus this grief sex is pretty good stuff. Lily: Sometimes you’ll just have a moment when you think your parent is still there. Maybe you hear a rooster crowing or smell charcoal briquettes. Or sometimes you’ll see someone who looks just like them and for a split second you’re ready to whip out a boomstick and handle that zombie apocalypse shit. Soon those moments become heartwarming instead of painful. Daniel: I need coffee. @@@@@@@ Audra: Interesting. Tucker: What’s that? Audra: You’ve lowered your turtleneck to crew neck. That’s a distress signal, isn’t it? Tucker: I dunno. Maybe. Whatever. Audra: Show me on this doll where Ashley hurt you. Tucker: I miss the old days, the rush of signing new artists and producing albums. It’s over, man. Audra: You miss the sleazy rush of getting a lot of profit out of someone else’s creativity and hard work. Tucker: Same diff. Say, what are your feelings on pity sex? @@@@@@ Ashley: Diane is a murdering murderer who killed Phyllis out of jealousy. She was there the day the music died. She carved the iceberg that sank the Titanic, Jack! She is a ruinous hoebag and vile plague upon our lives. Kyle: Fuck you, Aunt Ashley. Jack: Can’t you see the pain he’s in? You’re talking trash about his mother. Can’t you even summon a sliver of human decency for your own nephew? Ashley: Who told him to fall out of the wrong vagina? Not me. @@@@@@ Lily: Getting takeout, I see. Billy: Hanging out with Daniel, I see. How are you holding up? Daniel: Eh. Billy: Warning. The press has finally realized that Diane is accused of murdering Phyllis. Guess they sat on it until Leanna Love published her article. Anyway, watch out for press vultures. Daniel: Thanks. Lily: The PR department will craft a statement on your behalf. Daniel: I can handle it. Lily: Let me do this for you. Daniel: It’s hard to say no to her. Her bra is very persuasive. Billy: Don’t I know it. Well enjoy your meal and don’t worry about reeking of sex. I’mma leer at Lily’s sparkly cake while y’all walk away. @@@@@@ Audra: That’s a very good contract Victor signed. You’ll make out like a bandit. Tucker: I am a bandit. I stole that motherfucker’s pen like a boss. Audra: Cute. So that paper is your ticket to freedom. You can do anything you want, go anyplace… Tucker: I’m more of a glass half empty sort of guy. Fuck this town and everyone in it. I’m outta here. Audra: You are more of a big city guy. Although one might mistake Genoa City for a metropolis, what with all the big corporate players doing business here. Tucker: It’s a village made up of all the idiots other villages have lost. You know, you used to be my right hand. Let’s blow this pop stand together and go become warlords in some tropical paradise. Audra: I have an important job at Newman. You don’t seem to appreciate what an absolute treasure trove of smooth brains you could have at your disposal if you pushed the right buttons. Tucker: Working for Victoria doesn’t blow chunks? Come on. Audra: She’s like a little wind-up toy. Genoa City has actually grown on me. There are so many fascinating people here and the ineptitude of law enforcement is legendary. White collar crime should be a cakewalk, if it comes to that. Tucker: Working the angles, huh. Audra: The student must one day become the master. Tucker: You’re just like all the other poopyheads around here. Ashley and Devon pushed me away because they think there are greener pastures out there. Nobody wants to till my fields filled with cow flops. Audra: Manpain is an ugly look. You might want to stop throwing pity parties. They’re worse than any bicentennial gala. Tucker: I will pretend I’m rejecting you even though your body language has been telling me to fuck off all evening. @@@@@@@ Billy: I’ve got food. Let’s have a picnic under the stars. Chelsea: Two meals in one day? How will you maintain your assless figure? Billy: I ran into Lily and Daniel. Chelsea: How is Daniel? Did you share the good news that salvation from grief is only possible through me? Billy: He was in a sex daze. It would have been impossible to reach him. You know, I’m happy for Lily. She’s moving on with Daniel, so I can absolve myself of being a selfish prick who was surgically attached to your hip. Chelsea: Look at you, being all faux mature and pretending to feel guilty about aiding me in healing mankind. Billy: I learned it from the beautiful goddess sitting across from me. Chelsea: Connor is spending the night at the ranch, so there’s room in my stable for a stallion. Tee hee. I can’t believe I said that. Billy: Tonight our egos shall become one. Will humanity survive? I don’t care. @@@@@@@ Jack: This is untenable. If you can’t handle being in the same house as the woman I love and think you have the right to forbid it, well, why don’t you get to steppin’, Ash? There’s the door. I really don’t give a damn if it hits you where the good lord split you. Ashley: I’m so fucking tired of you telling me to move! You hypocrite. You whine about one little date with Tucker like he slaps nuns, but you have no qualms about moving a killer into OUR house. Jack: I will not have turtlenecks in this house! I won’t take it from Billy, and I won’t take it from your chew toy! Ashley: How do any of us know we won’t be Diane’s next victim? How will you feel when the media finally realizes a bunch of rich assholes have a sordid murder scandal tearing them apart. God knows I’ve called them with plenty of anonymous tips. Jack: Your bitterness is peeling the wallpaper. Ashley: Why don’t you fly the fuck outta here? This is my house too. My birthright. Go buy a house next to whatever prison Diane ends up in. Have your sweet little jailhouse wedding. Will you be registering with the Wisconsin Department of Corrections? Jack: Excuse the fuck out of me? Ashley: Wait until the Jabot board hears about this! You’ll be out on your stupid ass in no time flat. Yeah, I’m going to use your personal crisis to fuck you over. Sucker. @@@@@@ Daniel: That was awkward. Lily: What? Running into Billy? It’s really no biggie. Daniel: I thought I saw Mom peeking out of one of his nostrils. It was just the lighting I guess. Lily: I saw a really good IMAX documentary on grief in his nasoplex. What you’re experiencing is perfectly normal. Daniel: You’ve been really generous listening to me talk about Heather. Go ahead and release some Billy Abbott angst. Lily: Can’t say I have any. Billy and I had our moment, it was beautiful and then it was done and dusted. Daniel: Any regrets? I mean, it is Billy. Lily: Nope. Looking back is such a bummer. I prefer to live in the now. Daniel: I wish I could do that. Lily: I think it comes from being a cancer survivor. Life is too precious to waste on exes or remorse for killing your brother’s wife and child or a spectacularly wretched marriage to a cow thief. Daniel: Can’t you wallow in something? I mean, you’re not a sociopath. Right? Lily: We’re just different. You want to know why something goes wrong and analyze every detail. I just keep merrily skipping through life with horse blinders on. Daniel: I guess that’s why we’re so good together. @@@@@@ Kyle: Summer, you don’t have to say anything. In fact, 9 out of 10 people wish you wouldn’t. Are you in there thinking about Chance? I get it. He’s so dreamy. But I’m your husband. I want to help you stop being such a crusading asshole. Let me hold you close to my bouffant. It’s warm and thick and comforting, like a fleece throw. Mrs. Martinez: You’re in the wrong wing again. @@@@@@@ Billy: Remember, if I start to inhale you, the safe word is Jaboat. Chelsea: GASP!

Wishing all the best for Eric Braeden, yougotthat?

I honestly think Audra just loves trolling people. Genoa City offers an embarrassment of riches when it comes to easy marks who are ripe for a little shit-stirring. Can’t say I’m entirely convinced she’s interested in Nate; I think she likes nudging the sordid Victoria situation along just to see what happens when it blows up. If Audra is sincerely hot for the Side Part, then she’s a lot dumber than she’s come across thus far. On the other hand, she apparently thought Noah was appealing. Looks like Crispy finally washed the blood off, if the previews weren’t showing a dumbass dream sequence. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if she buried Stark in her grave? I mean, it’s not plausible, but Crispy apparently possesses powers that defy time and space. She must be a straight up assassin to come away from a scissor fight with only a few artfully placed smears of blood on her. Crispy probably had a taser hidden in her velour.

He’s looking for his ass. Chance was spotted two hands and a flashlight and still couldn’t find it Listening to Christine and Chance hash out what they think is a “case” was amazing. And they did it all with a straight face!

Billy: Time to get down to Jabusiness. Kyle: You going to a costume party, Uncle Billy? Billy: I’m working, you schmuck. How is your, um, you know what? Don’t care. Kyle: Kind of you to ask. My mom is in jail for killing my mother-in-law, my wife thinks she’s guilty and today my hair was unable to achieve maximum elevation. My personal style and marriage are hanging by a thread. Billy: Yep. Still don’t care. You can go home if you want. Kyle: I needed a distraction. Billy: Here’s one. What’s this Marchetti bullshit? @@@@@@ Abby: I am not up to anything. Thank you for coming. Tessa: We’d have gotten earlier, but someone was fussy. Mariah: Guilty as charged. Abby: Follow me inside. Tee hee. SURPRISE! Sharon: It’s your baby shower! Mariah: Aww, my brother brought me the gift of laughter in the form of a stupid jacket/shirt combo.. @@@@@@ Jack: How are you? Diane: How the fuck do you think I am? Jack: Can I bring you anything? I’ll use all my rich guy influence to buy you special privileges, more outdoor time, imported caviar. Diane: I can take care of myself. I’ve squirreled away a pair of scissors from the prison library. But… there is one thing you can do. Jack: Anything. Diane: Hit the road, Jack, and don’t come back no more. @@@@@@ Chance: Diane and the deer couldn’t have done this by themselves. Stark had to be involved. Christine: Agreed. I can buy that Diane gave Phyllis poison and the deer lured the ambulance off the road. But Stark was pulling the strings in the background. Chance: Could he be a deer whisperer? Christine: I don’t know. He could be an alchemist. Strychnine is usually a bad way to go, but it was like Phyllis drifted gently off to sleep. Maybe Stark developed Diet Strychnine. Chance: Fiendish. We need to find this guy. He’s obviously Diane’s partner. Christine: All of Diane’s communications have been monitored. There’s been nothing. Of course, we can’t rule out a telepathic connection. Chance: Right. Jeremy checked out of the German Prophylactic, transferred a fuckton of Phyllis’ money into his account and disappeared. I can’t help but wonder if Diane killed him too. Christine: Jail is no obstacle to a killing machine like her. Chance: They were probably going to split the inheritance Jeremy got from Phyllis. Diane decided she wanted it all. I’ve just got to get past the fact that Diane was marrying into a filthy rich family and didn’t the need extra cash. Michael: Did I hear my client’s name being taken in vain? Pay attention, bitches, because school is now in session. @@@@@@@ Kyle: Marchetti rules, dude. My textile mills rule. Billy: It wouldn’t surprise me if Victor gave you a couple of Superfund sites. Kyle: I inspected those sites personally. The next day my hair shot up three inches. Billy: Hello? Kyle: I pulled off a brilliant coup getting those mills and maneuvering Adam outta here so you could take his job. You’re welcome. Billy: He fucked off on his own terms, but enjoy your flex, numbnuts. If you’re done being a condescending clown shoe, I’ve got a primo idea for combining Jabot’s and Marchetti’s advertising campaigns. Kyle: You rube. Marchetti is class and luxury. Jabot is trash. Two different markets. Billy: Tell me, dear nephew, how do the elite look upon the rogering of cowboy hats? Kyle: Wow. You’ve been here a few hours and already with the hat jokes. Billy: I’ve been here before, whippersnapper. I’ve got years of experience. Kyle: Years of experience sinking Jaboats and using this office as your personal jizz receptacle. Billy: Oh no you didn’t. Kyle: Oh I sure as hell did. You think you’re that guy, the big ideas man. Sometimes outside the box is just a turd mine. Billy: You can’t just piss on my ideas unilaterally. Kyle: You can’t poop on Marchetti unilaterally. Billy: Fine. I’ll feed your old man some bad clams and he can spray all over it with me. Kyle: I’m going to lunch! Thanks for distracting me with your terrible ideas! Billy: You’re welcome. Dick. @@@@@@@@ Sharon: Many years ago, I made the difficult decision to give a child up for adoption. As it turns out, there was a copy that got stolen. Now, we’ve come full circle. I’m wearing a magical bathrobe made from the hide of a unicorn, while my daughter is a walking advertisement for oatmeal. Aunt Faith wanted to be here, but she’s in college and didn’t actually want to be here. Fortunately, you have the best uncle in the world in Noah. No one will ever get Aria to sleep as fast as he will. Abby: I haven’t been a mother long, but I do have some advice. Lock the door before you indulge in afternoon delight. You’re welcome. Noah: I can offer free babysitting. My venue apparently runs itself. Allie wanted to be here, but she got stuck in the lab. Apparently some mascara turned out extra sticky. Paramedics had to come. It was a whole thing. Elena: Our off screen friendship has meant a great deal, and I’m just so happy to share this moment with you. I could blather on about motherhood, but everyone else has that covered. It… it gets a little creepy sometimes, to be honest. You won’t think it’s all sunshine and roses when your oversized infant comes home sporting a side part. Sharon: Or with dirty limericks shaved into his back hair.. @@@@@@@ Jack: So we’ve reached the soap opera crisis stage where you waste time acting like a martyr and pushing everyone away. Diane: I don’t like it any better than you, but the person writing our dialogue has zero imagination. Jack: Well, I flat out refuse to give up and neither should you. Kyle and I are going to prove your innocence. Diane: Stuff your save-a-chick compulsion in a sack, mister. Phyllis was prancing around her own memorial dressed like an escapee from Dr. Evil’s harem. Somehow, I’m the only one who noticed. No one believes me. Jack: I want to. I love you. If you won’t think about me, think about Kyle. You’ve already disappeared from his life once. Diane: Low blow, fucknuts. Is it any better for him to see me in this sordid place, running illegal poker games and smuggling vape pens in for extra cash? Jack: Um. What about Harrison? What should we tell him about his missing DeeDee? Diane: I’m going to flounce now. Try not to run right out and act like an entitled jackass, okay? @@@@@@ Michael: So, what’s the good word about Diane? Chance: We want Stark, counselor. Where is he? Michael: Do I look like I dabble in velour, pissant? Diane didn’t want him here in Genoa City. She has no contact with him. You know, it’s much easier to find a possible suspect when your head isn’t stuffed up your ass like it’s a Thanksgiving day turkey. Christine: Diane could save everyone a lot of time and trouble and taxpayer money by pleading out. I could, maybe, get a couple of years shaved off her sentence. She’ll never beat our amazing evidence. Michael: Of course. I will definitely discuss your offer with my client. I’m certain Diane will be amenable to throwing her life away for your convenience. Chance: Is that sarcasm? Michael: Good catch, Columbo. Oh, one more thing. Your amazing evidence is a sandcastle built on cotton candy with a tsunami named Michael Baldwin bearing down on it. Get your asses to high ground before I pants the GCPD and district attorney’s office in court. Christine: You think I can’t find a jury as dumb as we are? Michael: You don’t think a jury will look at Jeremy Stark’s rap sheet and Diane turning him in for money laundering and see him as a prime suspect with an excellent motive for framing her? Both Phyllis and Diane are his victims. Chance: Jeremy and Diane were partners, Michael. Duh. In fact, I’m working on a theory that Diane married Stark while posing as Phyllis. Michael: I worked on a similar theory this morning in the can. You know, Chris, I don’t miss this self-righteous, uptight, dimbulb side of you. What happened to fighting for the underdog and being a champion of the people? Christine: I represent the people of Genoa City, and they do not give a tinker’s damn about any of that hippie crap. It’s my responsibility to prosecute bloodthirsty monsters like Diane, no matter how rich they are. I didn’t sell out like you. Michael: Pardon? Christine: Doing shady shit for Victor is one thing, but to take money to defend a killer? Hypothetically everyone deserves a defense, but Diane is icky. Michael: Let me know when you stop cashing your paychecks, Lady Justice. Chance: I need to get back to my office at the Athletic Club. I need to pensively stare at the crime scene while scratching my butt. Plus, I’ve been promised a free baked potato for lunch. @@@@@@@ Sharon: It’s a shame. Nick never did learn to color inside the lines. Or on the page really. Elena: Noah seems to be doing a good job. Nice purple puppy. Noah: It’s called artistic license. Elena: Yeah, that’s what Nate said when I asked about his hair. Zzzzz. What? I keep dropping off to sleep. Abby: You sat next to Noah. Ah, shit. I’ll be right back. Kyle: Sorry. I didn’t realize there was a private function. I was hangry. Abby: It’s a baby shower for Mariah and Tessa and Aria. I was going to invite you, but I was afraid you’d bring Summer. No offense. Kyle: None taken. I’m not in the mood for happy clappy stuff. I’ll just go someplace quiet. Billy might not see me if I slip into his left nostril. Damn, I’ve been made. Mariah: You can’t sneak out of here with that high rise on your head. Kyle: Really? I thought it was more like a disappointing mesa today. Mariah: Hey, I’m sorry about your mom. Considering how many people Phyllis pissed off, it’s weird that they’re so hyper focused on Diane. Kyle: You should apply to the local police department. You’ve been in friggin’ Oregon and have a better handle on this case than Fancy Pants Chance. Mariah: How’s Summer? I’m just being polite, mind you. Kyle: Understood. She’s grieving, of course. She’s also being a giant asshole who believes my mom killed her mom. If I can’t prove my mother’s innocence, my marriage is doomed. Mariah: That is rather awkward. Kyle: Let’s talk about happier things. Congratulations on Aria. My bouffant and I are so excited for you. Mariah: Thanks. And thank you for all those baby clothes you and Summer shipped to us. Noah bought us a book and left the Sam’s Club clearance sale tag on it. Kyle: He low key sucks. Mariah: Come make fun of him with me. Only not too much, because Tessa and I don’t want to miss out on the free babysitting. Just ignore all the flowery nonsense about the deep bond between mothers and children. Kyle: Halfheartedly deploys party pompadour. @@@@@@@ Jack: I’m storming the barricades of justice and demanding a do-over on Diane’s bail hearing. It is my divine right as a wealthy male to insist on favorable treatment. Come correct, Christine. Christine: We talked about this. Get it through your thick head that you can’t save every damsel in distress. Jack: What if I obnoxiously and loudly offer to throw my money around like confetti in order to influence the inner workings of the legal system? Michael: I’m going to do everything in my power to exonerate Diane. I am going to hand select each bit of Chance’s evidence, roll ‘em all up into a big ball of fluff and launch them into the fucking sun, where they will evaporate like a popcorn fart in the wind. But Diane has been deemed a flight risk for a reason. Jack: Diane is not doing well. Christine: Jail isn’t summer camp. It’s a suck ass place for people who suck and will just have to suck it up until trial. Michael, my door is always open if your client wants to confess. Ta ta. Michael: She sucks. @@@@@@@ Chelsea: Yay! I’m back baby. Billy: Right? Imagine all the fools sitting at home with their guards down, thinking they’re in for a Buttbiscuit free week. I’m like athlete’s foot. By the way, how did you get past security? Chelsea: I bribed them with dumplings. I’ll let you decide if that’s a euphemism or not. Billy: Is that slippery shrimp I smell? Chelsea: SLAP! Billy: I was referring to the takeout from Yang’s. Chelsea: I know. I just needed to do that. The urge was unbearable. So can you take a break? Billy: Yeah. I’ll sit on this side of the desk though. Chelsea: So how’s widdle Billy’s first day going? Billy: Excellent. I got into a fight with Kyle but I kept my cool and didn’t bend him into a balloon animal. Chelsea: I’m so proud of you. You’re just as cool as a cucumber and slick as a seagull’s ass. Billy: I know. How’s your project going? Chelsea: I am making a difference, William. I’m uplifting people. But, alas, fate has intervened in my mission. Billy: What’s going on? Please try to relate it to my situation. Chelsea: You have a situation. I have a holy mission. Daniel is all up in his feelings about Phyllis’ death. I don’t see what the big deal is. She was awful. Billy: Ah, grief. I know it well. How does that make you feel? Chelsea: Therapy speak? Eh, what the hell. At least you’re listening. I’m getting really impatient. Connor explained to me that it is probably socially unacceptable to approach Daniel on work related stuff. I had this amazing idea to incorporate his situation into my game. Like Frogger, but with an exploding ambulance. Billy: Wow.

I really admired the way Nick pulled off the double douche today. He was most certainly dropping by Newman to once again harangue Victoria about Nate, yet gets a hair across his ass when his parents criticize his love life. Then, after Victor describes in exacting detail his primitive dick waving bullshit towards Sally and Adam, he toddles his ass over to Crimson Lights and engages in the exact same behavior. I’m sick of watching that garbage bag stuffed with manpain mope on my screen while Sally, now apparently dead inside, coddles and reassures him. That he could possibly think his acceptance of Sally’s and Adam’s situation matters fuck all to anyone just blows my mind. Adam has shown remarkable restraint in not clown pounding Nick as he zealously attempts to police his younger brother’s behavior. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it would be nice if show could follow up on Phyllis’ shocking act of velourocide.

Devon: They see me workin’. Esther: This is exactly what Mrs. C would have wanted. Lily: And Neil. @@@@@@@ Daniel: So, like, make sure you get on the plane and stuff. Lucy: Duh. Daniel: Portugal is pretty far away, so it was nice of you to fly all the way here to Podunk City. Lucy: I loved Phyllis. Blows raspberry while choking on laughter. Daniel: Oh, sure. Me too. Totally. Lucy: She was cray. Her teeth scared me. Hey, you’re still wearing the bracelet. Daniel: Most parents don’t throw away gifts from their children. I still remember Mom taking a Christmas ornament I made in school and doing a 360 dunk into a dumpster with it. Lucy: Twatter says that dumpsters were a big part of Phyllis’ life. @@@@@@ Victor: Baby. Baby baby. My pweshus widdle Nikki. Nikki: I talk about markets in Bahrain because I’m a sophisticated, worldly, powerful business woman. Victor: K. Nikki: All done. Give me some of that musty old sugar. Victor: You won’t believe the gossip I just heard. Adam knocked up Nick’s girlfriend. Can you imagine! I haven’t been this scandalized since I farted in front of Marie Antoinette! @@@@@@@ Adam: That for me? Sharon: It’s cute that you think every gift is for you. Very Newmanish. This is for Mariah and Tessa. Adam: I was relieved to see they still exist. I was kind of worried that a bunch of uptight fuckwits wished them out of existence. Sharon: I know what you mean. Look at the misogynistic tire fire you’re forced to participate in. Adam: Speaking of which, Sally and I will be finding out what we’re having. Nick is inexplicably going to be there too, presumably to pee on Sally’s midsection. I’m going to grin and bear it, though, because I play the long game. I can outwait a shit-flinging bonobo ‘s spite driven relationship. Sharon: Very commendable. You’re making the right decisions for the right reasons. I do think, psychologically, Nicholas’ scrotum could use firm support from your foot. Adam: You just get me. @@@@@@@ Nick: POUT. SULK. Sally: How did my big man sleep? Nick: Not good. Had bad dream. Banana chasing me with toilet brush again. Wearing assless chaps. Sally: You know, I think all chaps are technically assless. Nick: Boobies no correct pee-pee. Sad more now. Sally: It has been a rough week. Are you upset about tomorrow? Because I invited my child’s father to my ultrasound? I feel terrible, not making this more about you. Nick: Hold on. I’m struggling to unclench my jaw. @@@@@@ Devon: Okay, we’ll take some paint and make a line down the middle of the office. We’ll each have our own space, our own division and we’ll have complete autonomy there. Lily: Fair. I’ll take the Herp department while you tackle Derp Industries. Devon: So, uh, how’s Daniel doing? Has he started living his life according to what his dead parent would have wanted? It really is soothing. Lily: He’s struggling. When you think about what Phyllis would have done, it could be anything from cawing to vehicular homicide. It’ll get worse before it gets better. @@@@@@ Lucy: I could stay. Daniel: You don’t know what you’re saying. I haven’t been back long and look how miserable I am. Lucy: I’m worried that you’ll stop taking care of yourself because you’re so caught up in your feelings. Like in Portugal, when we’d find you sitting in a bar somewhere, drooling with a mustard bottle perched on your head. Daniel. Jesus. It was one time. Lucy: It was funny when Mom said, Pardon me, Daniel, but do you have any Grey Poupon? Daniel: I’m going to be fine. I just need to adjust to a world without Phyllis in it. I could always pick up a phone and call her whenever I needed a migraine. Sometimes you didn’t even need to reach out to her. You’d wake up at 3 a.m. and see her sitting on the edge of your bed, just staring through you. Lucy: God. You know, if you get lonely and sad and need to talk and I’m at school or something, I bet Lily would be happy to listen. Daniel: Very subtle. @@@@@@@@ Victor: Did you know about this? Nikki: Summer told me. Nasty little gossip, but what can you expect from the loins of a feral serf? Victor: Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me? I am owed all information about everything and everyone everywhere. Yougotthat? Nikki: I was merely protecting the Newman seed from your impotent, angry flailing. Even though it is a seed from the lesser line of Adam, one must secure the legacy and the vessel that holds the legacy. Victor: This woman could be the destruction of our family! Nikki: It’s not like she comes from a long line of vampire hunters. Does she? Victor: I have tangled with the Van Helsing family for centuries. People don’t know the true story. The whole damn family has red hair and an affinity for snakeskin. Nikki: The best way to handle this little tartlet is calmly and strategically. Let it play out. Our Nicholas is rather a brute and a boor, no doubt due to his brief sojourn in public schools. Sally will soon find him intolerable. Victor: That money grubbing harlot is hedging her bets by luring in both of my sons! Nicholas must see through this charade! @@@@@@ Nick: I have generously accepted that Adam is the father of your child. Sally: Gosh. I’m swooning. Nick: I need to get to the office to lecture my sister about offering up her lady flower around the office. Dad made me co-owner of her virtue. Sally: You could stay and have joyless sex with me, after which I will reassure you that breaking wind during intercourse only enhances the sensation. Nick: Tempting. I’ll offload this natural gas at the Newman pipeline though. We’ll meet Adam at the cafe. I ask that you maintain a respectful distance from him while not under my direct supervision. @@@@@@ Sharon: Do you want a boy or a girl? Adam: I’m honestly happy either way. Sally: Nick’s not here? I don’t know what to do or how to function. Sharon: Oh, sweetie. The longer you keep that monkey on your back and on your front, the longer it takes for your brain cells to return to full productivity. I could have gotten my psych degree 20 years ago. Sally: I have Degree deodorant. Sharon: Gotta take this call from Mariah. Good luck, guys! Sally: Nick was going to stop at Newman. Maybe he got lost. Adam: The man gets lost in his own pants. Sally: I heard you and Sharon talking. Do you really not have a preference when it comes to the baby’s sex? Adam: Absolutely. I’m excited and happy no matter what. Sally: If it’s a boy, we can name it Crimson Lights. Adam: Oh dear. Well, if it’s a girl, we can name it Chamomile after all that tea you drink. Sally: I don’t get it. Adam: We can name the child together after we’ve looked it over. A name is just the beginning of this parenthood journey. Sally: Nick wrote down a list of potential names, but it got stuck to his shoe. Everyone in the restaurant pointed and laughed. @@@@@@@ Devon: Where’s Lily? I thought we could take a lunch. Esther: She took a break. I think she said something about needing a snack. Devon: Damn. Well, do you want anything from the food court? I’m feeling like a big spender today. Esther: I’m brown bagging it. Before you ask, yes, this is a bottle shaped sandwich. Devon: Interesting. Would you care to finish your syrupy thoughts about family? Esther: I thought you’d never ask. When Mrs. C found out you were her grandson, it rocked her world. For a while there, she was stuck with Billy Abbott as a grandson. For her, it was like going from canned clams to prime rib. You were kind of shirty about it though. Devon: I was young and stupid. Esther: She did everything she could to connect with you, even learning sign language. Devon: I remember. It blew my mind to see her sign “Nick Newman is what would happen if a mullet became human. Don’t tell his mother I said that.” I never did. Esther: Katherine and Neil would be so proud that you and Lily smooshed their companies together. @@@@@@ Nick: Charade? What charade? Are you guys playing charades without me? No one ever wants me on their team. Victor: This damn Sally Spectra charade. You’re having an affair with a woman who is carrying your brother’s child. What the hell is wrong with you? Nikki: Let’s all take a deep breath- Nick: Mom, I love you, but I wouldn’t inhale too deeply. Dad, however, can suck farts through a straw. Victor: This woman, this agent of destruction, this demon vagina is just out to land a Newman! Nick: My personal life is none of your business. Where’s Victoria? I need to discuss her bad taste in bed buddies. Victor: You and Victoria are always being assholes to Adam, k? That’s what this is about, isn’t it? You’re dating Sally to spite your brother. You don’t want him to have McCall and now you’re trying to steal his child. Nick: I had nothing to do with McCall. I don’t even know what that company does. I’m content handling Newman’s buttplug division. By the way, me and Sally and Adam are handling our business like grown ass people. Victor: I saw you at the coffee shop, playing your alpha male games and flaunting your cherry red ass cheeks to establish dominance. I invented these moves, k? At the beginning of human history. You saw Sally and Adam flirting and bonding so you inserted yourself between them to make a jackass sandwich. Nick: And I was right to do so. You give Adam an inch and he’ll take a mile. You give him a mile and he’ll take two miles. Give him two miles and - Nikki: We’re just trying to protect you from this vicious she-devil. Stealing sperm from one man and then consorting with his brother like a common whore. Pish tosh, I say. Nick: Adam drove her off before this baby thing happened. I just innocently wandered into Sally’s tunnel of love and am nobly tolerating his bullshit. Victor: What do you think is going to happen? Are you going to marry her? Try to raise Adam’s child and make a little family? Those are his choices to make! You disrespect him and you disrespect me with this nonsense! Nick: I gave Adam permission to raise his child! Victoria isn’t here, so I’m going to blow this pop stand. Leave Sally alone, you old goat! @@@@@@ Daniel: Please, god, don’t let this be Chelsea. I can’t look at one more sketch of Nostrils: The Game. Lily: It’s me, fresh off a pleasant morning of blowing smoke up my brother’s tailpipe! How are you? Daniel: Eh. Summer is a whirlwind of self-righteous vitriol and paranoia, and I just feel… strangely content with all this newfound silence. That just makes me feel guilty. Lily: Did you have breakfast with Lucy and see her off? Daniel: Yeah. She kinda wanted to stay, but her mom would kill me if she didn’t have Lucy to share the burden of Paul’s latest pantsectomy. Lily: She texted me from the airport. Daniel: I’m so embarrassed. My daughter shouldn’t be parenting me. Lily: It’s called love. And this is called a kiss as hot as permafrost. @@@@@@@ Nikki: You played that all wrong. Victor: You approve of our son and that trollop? Nikki: Of course not. But if you keep acting like a pissy pants, you’ll be cut off from your grandchild. I know how devastating it is for you to lose your posessions. Victor: Why can’t Nicholas just find a nice blow-up doll? I bet if I convinced Adam to buy one, Nicholas would be all over it. Nikki: Those three are a beer keg. Let it sit long enough and it will go flat and skunky. @@@@@@@ Sally: Well, I guess he got held up at Newman. We should go. Adam: Trust me. He got some body part stuck in the vending machine. I should ask if you’re sure you want to leave, lest Sir Banana Butt accuse me of monopolizing you. Sally: I just noticed something. Tea makes me pee. They rhyme, but pee is spelled p-e-e and not p-e-a. What do you suppose it means? Nick: Boo-ya! I made it, bitches. I’mma physically display my dominance again by slinging an arm around Sally. Dad invented this sweet move. That dick. Adam: Great. Good times. What a classy trio we make. Nick: It’s my new tie, bro. The poop emoji is a bold fashion statement. My mechanic Christian bought it for me.

Whitney, you have captured the breadth and depth of Summer’s, nay, this entire show’s stupidity with eloquence and flair. The skull emoji was quite appropriate, as I was dead upon seeing it. Unfortunately, I can’t tell my co-workers that I was slain by a soap forum assassin during my dinner break and must go home now. 😔

Summer can follow in her dad’s footsteps and don a Jeremy Stark mask to terrorize Diane with. Chance will be unable to figure it out. You know, though, maybe Phyllis will get a taste for the hack and slash lifestyle and go on a scissors spree. About to pounce on Nate, she is confronted by the paradox of his side part and vows to use scissors only for righting coiffure catastrophes. She becomes the most sought after stylist in Genoa City. Just don’t criticize the cut too much.

I predicted last week that Phyllis would end up killing Jeremy, but I didn’t expect her to paint the hotel bathroom with his blood. Wonder if Victor is hungry? Did it make anyone else furious to listen to Nick pontificate about Victoria, like he didn’t just do the same fucking thing with Sally? He can see her making a big mistake, you guys! Wherever would these ladies be without noble Nick to safeguard their virtue? Why is this dude even going to Sally’s ultrasound, except to stick it to his brother. He’s so gross, just like his father.

Kyle: You’re right, dad. This pacing thing is way better at relieving stress than romancing a hat. God, what a nightmare. Mom in jail for something she didn’t do. Jack: Worse yet, if she had done it? This city should give her a medal. Kyle: Amen. We have to prove her innocence. My marriage can’t survive a sexy detective investigating this crime. Jack: We’re going to have to be the ones to exonerate Diane. Let’s put on our thinking caps. Kyle: Sproing! @@@@@@@@@ Jeremy: Where’d you find that velour, damn you? Answer me! If you stole it out of my suitcase, I swear to god I’ll kill you. Phyllis: You think you’re scaring me? You don’t choose violence every day. I wake up with violence, I eat violence for breakfast, and I brush my teeth with violence. Jeremy: Do you mean you brush your teeth with violet? Phyllis: Nothing is more terrifying to me than my children needing me and I’m not there. They’re in pain. They’re tortured. Jeremy: You don’t know what I’m capable of. Clearly it’s not murder, because most criminals would have waxed your boney maroney ass by now. I’m going to keep trying to talk sense to your crazy self. But I’m not going to jail. There’s no velour in jail. @@@@@@ Chance: Why are you here? Summer: They told me at the GCPD that you moved your office here. Chance: It is convenient. And they keep giving me free food. Summer: I need to be here. I can’t stop thinking about this place. Where did you get food? There was none at the gala. Chance: Boy, you’re as smart as they come. Summer: I’ve been told that. @@@@@@@ Adam: When we find out what sex the baby is, you can design some chic baby clothes for them. I bet you have all kinds of outfits planned. Sally: I’m ashamed to say I hadn’t even thought of that. Adam: No snakeskin tho. The air grows still and fetid. Sally and Adam have been… crop dusted. From two directions. Adam: Hot damn, a Newman family reunion. Sorry I forgot the potato salad. Nick: You should be. Nick hungry! @@@@@@@@ Kyle: It’s just you and me, Dad. The Lone Ranger and Toronto. Jack: We certainly don’t have a lot of support in this house. Kyle: My wife is an asshole. Jack: But we have to be considerate. She is a grieving asshole. Kyle: The obvious culprit is Jeremy Stark. He murdered Phyllis to frame Mom. Bet he planted all this so-called evidence too. Jack: He’s wanted revenge ever since Diane and I engineered that clumsy jewel heist. We really made a mistake, sticking it to him. Kyle: It’s not your fault. But we’ve got to be careful, now that we know Jeremy Stark is a murderer. I’m going to armor up my bouffant, for one. Jack: I’ll beef up security around the house. Maybe we’ll start locking the door. @@@@@@@ Chance: I hope you’re not blaming yourself, Summer. None of this was your fault. Summer: I didn’t take my mom’s paranoid, obsessive ramblings seriously. I should have believed in her toxic, all-consuming fixation on Diane as some sort of hellbeast. Chance: I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t raised by a demon. Summer: I cut her out of my life. Just because she was a selfish, maniacal narcissist. What kind of daughter does that? I keep seeing her gently float to the floor over and over again. Do you need another statement? A sidekick? I’ve memorized every detail of that night. Chance: Why don’t I call someone for you? Your brother, your husband, your dad? Someone who owns a butterfly net? Summer: My brother’s sulking too much to get him riled up for a vendetta. My dad will just want to give me a shoulder to cry on, and it’s always the one he didn’t shave. Kyle, meh. He thinks the sun shines out of his mother’s ass. Chance: What did you hope to get out of coming here? I can’t tell you anything about the investigation. Summer: I want the person who murdered my mom to burn in the blistering fires of hell while Satan loofahs them with a flaming porcupine. @@@@@@@ Jeremy: Your kids only like you now because you’re dead. Phyllis: Look, I’ll tell everyone it was my plan. I’ll leave your name out of it. Jeremy: We’re married. Your criming is considered community property within Genoa City. I’d rather see you in a shallow grave than the inside of a jail cell ever again. Phyllis: You better eat your Wheaties and dig a hole down to the earth’s core if you want to stop me. I am not going to look in the mirror every day and see Diane Jenkins looking back at me. Her make-up is far too subtle. Plus she let her son think she was dead for years. Jeremy: She’s also going to be the town martyr while you rot in prison for setting her up. Your kids will despise you for putting them through hell just for revenge. Phyllis: You’re right. Oh well. I give up. Jeremy: I’ve decided that my brain is where criminal savvy goes to die. I’mma transfer half your money to my offshore account. Phyllis: That’s pretty fucking stupid. Don’t you think people are watching your financial transactions? Jeremy: Excellent point. How would you feel if I got a little rapey? It’s time to turn the villainy up to 11. Phyllis: No complications, kthxbai. Jeremy: I’m going to blow past sex pest and go straight to slasher flick antagonist. I believe they call this move the “Ashland Locke.” Phyllis: Fuck around and find out. @@@@@@ Nick: I put hands on my property like a manly man. Adam: Now I’m going to explain why I was talking to Sally, the mother of my child, in a manner that suggests I’m addressing her abusive boyfriend. Sally: Oh goody. A Newman alpha male-off. Gotta go. Nick: I have heroically arrived in the nick of time to escort my fair damsel to her home at the Athletic Club. Hey, when did you move there? Sally: They had to fumigate your, um, satellite office in the Grafted Porterhouse. Dung beetle infestation. Nick: Cool. Adam: Cya later. Thanks, Sally, for - well, thanks. We must spare the baboon’s feelings, after all. Victor: What inthehellareyou doing, son? Adam: Tra la la la. Victor: I’m talking to you, k? Don’t walk away from your father, yougotthat? Adam: Fine. Got another company you want to tease me with? Victor: What are you thinking, talking with Sally Spectra. She belongs to your brother. You had your chance to play with her, k? Grow up. Adam: Sally and I are bonded for life. Victor: You sound like a damn teenager who just discovered the Twilight books. Victor Newman does not sparkle, k? Victoria is the only one who inherited my gift. Adam: I’m not saying I turned her, you Nosferatu looking motherfucker. I’m saying I knocked her up and I still love her. Victor: Howdoyouknowit’s true? This is the trollop who faked an illness out in LA to keep a man. Adam: It’s my understanding that the man in question could lay some serious pipe and Sally’s plumbing had very special needs. Also? You might want to be nicer about your latest grandchild. Victor: Your brother will be devastated when he finds out. What is wrong with you? Adam: Gee, dad, it’s like you don’t know shit about anything. Nick knows. That’s why he acts like a gorilla when I’m around. He’s a slow loser, just like his microscopic sack splats, as he likes to call them. Victor: Get a job, hippie. Find some damn purpose. Adam: My kids are my purpose. Isn’t that what you preach all the time? Suck on that lemon for a while, dad. @@@@@@@ Jack: Oh good. I found you, Christine. I’m here with my entitled shtick again, but am framing it as helping Diane find a defense lawyer. Christine: I wish I could help. But I can’t so I shan’t. Jack: Can I cash in on our years of friendship? I mean, it’s a bear finding a lawyer willing to defend someone who faked her own death for years. Christine: I have to follow a little thing called the law, Jack. I’m bound by a code of ethics that no one else in Genoa City follows. Jack: Please? Christine: Good night. I wish you all the best. Jack: (into phone) I have nowhere else to turn. I’m completely out of options. I have hit rock bottom trying to procure a lawyer for Diane. Seriously, it’s you or a public defender. I can’t butter you up any more than that, Michael. Please help us. @@@@@@@@ Sally: I must explain what I was doing outside my room, unchaperoned and talking to Adam in a familiar fashion. I was gushing over a baby. Adam came into the same public space, but I was so absorbed in admiring Aria that I foolishly didn’t leave. Nick: Me not like Adam talk talk. Sally: And here I am just yapping away about someone’s insignificant baby while you stand there, marinating in manpain. I throw myself upon your tender mercies and vow to do better. Forget about all that stupid Aria stuff. Nick: We can talk about Aria. When I want to. I’m still bent out of shape about Phyllis. Until you’ve stuck your dick in crazy, you just don’t understand how much it’s like pleasuring a light socket. Sally: Poor Nick. Nick: Summer’s mother in law was arrested at the service. I told supergirl to not hold back and dunk all over Kyle. I hope she feels a little better. Sally: You always take care of me by showing up where I am all the time, calling me whenever a stray thought floats between your ears and giving your father steely looks when he insults me. Let me take care of you by not telling you to back the fuck off. Nick: Hey, tomorrow’s a big day, right? We’ll find out if you’re having a little crapper or a little princess. My adherence to outdated gender roles is part of my charm. Sally: About that. I’m going to act very apologetic when I tell you that I invited the baby’s biological father. Of course, as that man’s brother, you naturally have the highest priority. Don’t pout. @@@@@@ Summer: I just want to make sure you forget about Jeremy Stark. Don’t be distracted by the criminal my mother brought to town to punish Diane. His weird marriage to my mother is quite meaningless in the grand scheme of things. He’s a red herring. A magenta mackerel. A cherry char. A burgundy bass. Chance: We’re going to get to the bottom of everything. I know what my job is, by the way. I don’t need any help, especially stunts like you pulled at the memorial service, trying to trick Diane into a confession. Summer: She was this close! A persimmon pickerel. A ruby remora. A tomato trout. A - Chance: Can I drive you home? Kyle: You’ve done quite enough. Chance: It’s good that you’re here. I think her record is stuck. Kyle: I will not put up with this harassment! First you arrest my mother for something she didn’t do and now you’re filling my wife’s head with lies and conspiracies. Summer: He’s not filling my head up with anything. You can check my air pressure when we get home. Kyle: Why were you telling me my mom helped fake the moon landing then? Listen up, gumshoe. You’ve already made a huge boner by arresting my mother. Stay away from Summer. Stop harassing my family, or I’ll find a way to make you pay, Detective. This bouffant is classified as a lethal weapon in 19 states. @@@@@@@ Phyllis: Should I wash this blood off my face? Nah, I’ll just partially cover it by pulling up my hood. Good thing I didn’t get this man-sized white sheet bloody while wrapping up a body I presumably ventilated with scissors. Luck be a lunatic tonight! I’ve touched everything in the room, but I won’t touch the doorknob. Caw caw! I really feel like this velour gave me superhuman strength. Stark should have kept his on. Well, buddy, time for your long dirt nap.

When Nate is on the screen, my eyes are immediately drawn to it. Phyllis thinks she’s so smart and badass and yet blither blathers her dumb plans to the only person who knows she’s alive and would only benefit from having her be genuinely dead. Idiot should have grabbed the passport and ID and flown the coop. If she had to ruin everyone’s day by showing up alive, she could have flapped her leathery wings back to Genoa City and Stark could do fuck all to stop her. Instead, she hangs out with him, alone, and antagonizes him. Who’s the smart one now, Phyllis? Not you, that’s for sure. Of course, knowing the show, Phyllis will somehow kill him, allowing her to run back to town and cry that mean old Jeremy forced her into this plan.

Look at all the office supplies artfully arranged to appear tossed about in the throes of passion. Imagine how funny it would be if Nate caught a staple in his nads. @@@@@@ Mariah: It’s me! It’s really me. I still exist. Sharon: Where’s my granddaughter? Mariah: They’re still dressing up the sack of flour that played Dominic. @@@@@@ Jack: Thanks for coming, Christine. I need to make some presumptuous, entitled demands about Diane’s case. Christine: Of course. But as district attorney, you must know I can’t comment on an open case. Jack: I will pretend I don’t. Why aren’t the chuckleheads at the GCPD laser focused on Jeremy Stark? Can’t you just slow this shitshow down until you get more leads? Christine: Nothing I can do. Genoa City PD is forced to hire morons by statute. Jack: You know Diane. Does she seem like a killer to you? Christine: The evidence is extremely strong. Jack: Really? What evidence? Christine: Can’t tell you that either. This was kind of useless, wasn’t it? @@@@@@@ Nick: Do you need anything, Summer? Can I get you something to eat? I’ve got a spare banana in the glove compartment. Summer: No. I just need to cope with the fact that Mom isn’t here anymore and that it’s up to me to be the town asshole. Nick: I can do that in my sleep. Kyle should be home soon, right? You can do a test run of your best asshole moves. Summer: I don’t know about that. He’ll probably be at the jail all night like the mama’s boy he is. Kyle: False. Here I am, being a supportive husband. Nick: Heh. Summer: How did it go at the police station? Kyle: It sucked, duh. Mom is shell shocked and traumatized. She knows she made eye contact with your mother, but no one believes her. Nick: I’m sure they’ll get to the bottom of this. Did anyone catch that smokeshow in the wig and glasses at the service? Big MILF energy there. Whelp, bye. Summer: You’re so wonderful, Kyle, picking me over your killer mother. @@@@@@@ Sharon: I wants that baby. Mariah: Sorry. There were a few tears in the bag.. I’ll call Tessa. Tessa: Here she is! A real baby. I met a baker outside who needed to make some muffins, so we traded. Sharon: She’s beautiful! She’s just a big, beautiful bundle of baby. Sally: I shall lurk in this doorway until I accept that babies are the greatest and that motherhood is the way, the truth and the light. Sure, they start out cute, but some of them turn into Summers and Chelseas and Billys. Adam: I’ll lurk too. Let’s lurk together in layers, lovingly. Sally: Um. Adam: Time to gush over that kid. @@@@@@@@ Audra: I’m going to have to put Lysol wipes on the next big order. In bulk. Several pallets. Nick: Hey, Audra. Is Victoria in there? Audra: Oh yeah. I’m surprised to see you here. Wasn’t the service today? And I’m pretty sure you haven’t been here for three weeks. Nick: I’ve got a satellite office in a broom closet over at Sally’s building. They ran out of Windex, I was getting swamp nuts and then I remembered Newman has a fully stocked maintenance supply room. Audra: My condolences. Nick: Thanks. Swamp nuts are no joke. By the way, I might be getting bored of my bro’s babymama soon. Can I give you a call? Audra: Weren’t you headed into Victoria’s office? Nick: Right. I just need to stop at my office and clear the history on my computer. Some weirdo was looking at unicorn porn on it. Uniporn, hehehe. Audra: This is going to be so fucking lit. @@@@@@ Phyllis: What have I done? What’s that weird tingling in my head? Is it my conscience? I’m taking people’s perfectly natural response to loss as a sign that I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread and should just waltz back into town like nothing happened. Oh thank god. It’s just my narcissism. Jeremy: Good lord, you’re looking rough. Also, why the fuck are you still here? Phyllis: I changed my mind. Changed my mind. I’m allowed. Jeremy: Hey, dumbass, it’s dangerous for you to be within 100 miles of GC. Phyllis: But my kids. My kids. They really, truly love me. Jeremy: You’re a lot easier to love as a pile of ashes. Quieter too. Phyllis: You didn’t hear the pain in their voices. You weren’t there. Jeremy: Because I’m not a moron. You shouldn’t have been there. And your kids will get over it. They’re adults with their own lives. Phyllis: No one gets over me. Jeremy: Are you forgetting why we did this? Diane is in jail. I’ve put in an order for 100 bolts of the finest Corinthian velour. You are not going to mess this up for me. You can’t go back and just pick up where you left off. Phyllis: Diane did. She was gone for years and everyone forgave her. Forgave her. Jeremy: Diane is half the twit you are, and I say that as someone who despises her. No one is going to forgive you for faking your death. Well, maybe Jack. He’s a real doormat. Phyllis: People will just ruefully shake their head, throw their hands up and say “oh that Phyllis, what a scamp.” Jack will propose, Diane will remain in jail for unpaid parking tickets and my kids will both hire me at their workplace. I am not a crackpot. Jeremy: Let me explain it this way. Everyone thinks you’re dead. If you were to well and truly die, no one would be the wiser. I’d have my inheritance and one less pain in the ass. Phyllis suddenly transforms into a human-sized cobra, hissing in Jeremy Stark’s face, hood flaring. Stark whips out a pungi (get your minds out of the gutter) and plays a soothing melody. Phyllis returns to her human form. Jeremy: To be clear, I’m not going back to jail. Do what you’re told or else. I can very, very easily get away with killing you. Dumbass. @@@@@@@ Jack: Diane worked so hard on improving her life. Why would she throw it all away to murder an old enemy? Christine: I hear what you’re saying, but evidence. Jack: Evidence Jeremy Stark planted to frame Diane. Christine: Diane is a flight risk. She probably won’t get bail. Jack: I hear what you’re saying, but why the fuck are you trying this case when the victim once bitchslapped you with a Chevy Malibu fender? @@@@@@@ Nick: Knockity knock knock! Victoria: Goddamn it! I haven’t had an orgasm in six years. Nate: You don’t remember what one feels like, do you? Asking for a friend. Nick: ‘Sup? Victoria: Nate and I were just having a drink. You could probably use one after that memorial service. Nate: My most insincere condolences. Nick: I’m sorry you didn’t come, Vic. Victoria: Well, that’s kinda your fault, no? Nate: I’mma do the walk of shame now. Nick: OMG WHAT THE FUCK YOU BOZO! Victoria: Pardon? Nick: The lipstick on Nate’s neck? Helllloooo? You missed a button too. I love a good nip slip, but not on my sister. Victoria: You caught me, Sherlock. So fucking what? Nick: You’re making a bad mistake, fool. First that hairstyle. Second, letting Nate swab the desk with your bony behind. Victoria: Is this really a road you want to go down? Nick: I’ll go down on most anything, but for argument’s sake, what road? Victoria: You told me to go eat boogers when I questioned you about Sally. I backed off. I didn’t run through the streets of Genoa City telling everyone that Adam knocked up your bed buddy. Nick: I appreciate that. But what if Nate is just trying to sleep his way to the top? Victoria: A girl can dream. Nick: Have you even considered the power differential between you and the legal ramifications of a tryst with a subordinate? You could be placing Newman in legal jeopardy, and any investigation will turn up a pattern of predatory sexual behavior on both our parts. LOL! What the fuck? I blacked out for a second there. @@@@@@ Kyle: My mom totally didn’t do it. Summer: Did too. Kyle: You can’t possibly believe that. Summer: If I may be supremely patronizing and make wild leaps of logic, all the evidence points to Diane causing my mother’s death. Kyle: What evidence? The dubious loaf Chance pulled out of his admittedly sublime ass? Summer: Kyle, you dummy. I am an excellent judge of character, a master profiler and a completely objective sifter of information. You, on the other hand, are prejudiced by your genetic connection to the perp. Kyle: Did you know that my bouffant has its own search engine installed? I looked up strychnine poisoning. It doesn’t involve melting to the floor and lying there like a sack of potatoes. Where were the violent convulsions? Summer: It’s adorable that you think you know more than the medical examiner. Let me explain it to you in a way my dad could understand. My mother was obsessively harassing Diane. Diane knew my mother would never stop. She was at her absolute limit. Kyle: That doesn’t mean she’d turn to murder. What about that Stark slimeball? Where does he fit into your grand theory? Summer: As a self-proclaimed, unpaid intern at the police department, I’ll make sure he’s arrested too. Here’s a few more morsels to chew on. My mother told me that she was scared of Diane. And I personally heard Diane threaten to force feed Phyllis bees. Kyle: You did not. Put this in your pipe and smoke it - why would my mother come back to Genoa City, work for months to earn everyone’s trust while studiously ignoring your mom’s council of catty bitches, and set down roots only to blow it all on poisoning Phyllis? Summer: I hear and discount your opinion. Now we must lie to Harrison about where Diane is and how she’s never ever coming back because she’s rotting in prison. Kyle: Don’t even think about trash talking his DeeDee in front of him. Summer: Denial isn’t just a river in Canada, Kyle. Kyle: I gave up hats for this? @@@@@@@ Adam: Babies, amirite? Sally: It’s amazing. One day this kid will stop being inside me and end up in a car seat or something. That’s deep. Adam: Don’t worry. The less you see Nick, the smarter you’ll get. Does Aria make you wish you were having a girl? Sally: Girl, boy, whatever. I’m just happy it won’t be born with a bright red baboon ass. Adam: Thanks for inviting me to the big doctor’s appointment. I’m super excited. Sharon: Don’t invite Nicholas. Trust me. He’s not afraid to grab the wand so he can scan his swimmers. Elena: Oh my god, what an adorable baby! All mine does is babble on about spreadsheets. Tessa: Thanks so much for all your off screen advice. Elena: Happy to help. Our off screen friendship means a lot. @@@@@@@@ Nick: Me Nick. You Nate. You no hump sissy. Nate: What the fuck, dude? Nick: You know exactly what I’m saying. Your schlong isn’t a tool for advancement. Nate: Buddy, my personal life is none of your business. Nick: Until I make it my business. You downing some more liquid courage before you go home to confess your sins to Elena? Whoa. I can’t believe I remembered who you’re tapping. Nate: Don’t start a dick measuring contest here. Wasn’t the one you lost in the break room embarrassment enough? Nick: Grrrrr. Nick punch side part. Elena: What’s up, fellows? Did I interrupt something? Nate: Nick’s just accusing me of having too much ambition. Nick: Nice to see you, Elena. You’re looking fine as hell. Nate’s a lucky man. If his luck ever runs out, don’t hesitate to reach out for a booty call. @@@@@@ Kyle: How’d it go with Christine? Is mom getting out? Is that Yankees cap going to testify against me? Jack: It did not go well. How’s Summer? Kyle: Insufferable. It’s like, how do I comfort my wife while fighting to clear the woman she smugly asserts killed Phyllis? I feel like I’m going to have to choose between my marriage and my mother. Jack: Just figuring that out now, are you? Kyle: Lola said something to me once. It was “Why the hell would you sleep with someone you genuinely believed was your sibling for months?” I told her “it depends on how hot they are.” Now I see the wisdom in her words.

Abby: I packed all my stuff to move from one home to another. I’m craaaazy! Devon: Chill. I got flowers and champagne. Let’s christen our home with the sexay times. @@@@@@@ Victoria: I love thinking about my employee tickling my tonsils. And that side part… meow. Audra: You’re a million miles away, Victoria. I’ll pretend I don’t know you’re fantasizing about Nate. Victoria: Holy shit those sleeves. @@@@@@@ Summer: I can honor my mother best by being a completely inappropriate asshole at her memorial service. Diane, would you like to be an asshole as well? Diane: No? Jack: If you needed another asshole to speak, why didn’t you invite Billy? Diane: Victor hasn’t mumbled at us yet. Call on him. Victor: I will share my thoughts with my granddaughter privately, k? Did that sound creepy to anyone else? Nick: The turtle might be out of the shell. No one seems to smell anything. Wheee. Michael: Did you crack a rat, Lauren? Lauren: You want to sleep on the couch? Summer: Are you chicken, Diane? Bwak bwak bwak! @@@@@@ Abby: I needed this. The champagne is amazing, the flowers are just heavenly. I bet Phyllis won’t be seeing any of these where she’s going. Ha ha. Devon: Get used to it. Oh, and one more surprise. Here. Abby: Thank god it’s not an engagement ring! My own set of keys. A very timely reminder to lock the door before you do the nasty with someone not your partner. You really do spoil me. @@@@@@ Diane: Fine. Uh, When you can’t think of a single redeeming quality to highlight in a person, it’s pretty safe to say they love their kids. Daniel: That’s my cue to blither blather. If everyone will just put on the complimentary hip waders placed under your seats, I’ll begin. One of my friends described my mother as fierce. She was all that and more. She was electric. She crackled. She was a hybrid Rice Crispy square and cattle prod. Danny: Should I be proud? Should I sing a song cheesy enough to be a Velveeta jingle? Daniel: I didn’t realize this when she was alive, but my mother was teaching me how to love. Holy fish balls! Did a giant lightbulb just appear above my head? I - I think I know where I went wrong with Heather and Lucy! What an epiphany! Nick: Big words make me poop. Danny: That’s my cue to cheese it up. When I look at Daniel, I see Phyllis’ heart. I sure as hell don’t see myself, since she lied about that. My mother always said if you didn’t have something nice to say, sing. This was inspired by Phyllis, so if it sucks, well, there you go. Summer: What smells so bad? I hate my Resting Smell the Fart face. Did Kyle poop in a shoe again? @@@@@@@ Audra: Blah blah business blah. Victoria: Impressive. Few can bullshit with business jargon like a Newman. Audra: I still have a lot to learn. Look at how high and deep Nate can pile it. He could earn a promotion very soon. Victoria: He does continue to dazzle. Audra: Of course, when he, uh, gets on top, you’ll need a new CEO for Newman Media. Until then, I’ll give Nate everything he needs… to succeed. Victoria: I’d hate to mess up this Charlie’s Angels hair by tangling with those puff pastry sleeves, so I’ll let that pass. @@@@@@@ Phyllis: Mwah ha ha. An incriminating letter so obvious Nick might get suspicious will surely seal Diane’s fate. Part of the thrill is risking exposure by standing here like a dumbfuck in glasses and a ratchet wig. Danny: Son, why don’t we get out of here with Lucy and grab a bite to eat? The Newmans kind of skeeve me out. Lily, it would be wonderful if you could join us. Lily: Oh thank god. There’s this creeper with glasses lurking over by that curtain. I feel the need to disinfect my dad’s picture. Daniel: I’ll just tell Summer goodbye. Diane: Why did Summer single me out like that? It was awkward. Jack: Grief can turn an asshole into an obnoxious asshole. Diane: And why are the cops here? Why is Chance here, looking like his thong got caught on a hemorrhoid? Were he and Phyllis friends? Jack: I don’t think he ever got a trash tattoo from Phyllis out at her memorial dumpster. I think he’s just here to keep Stark out. Velour is not an appropriate grieving fabric. Diane: Did you see the look Nikki just gave me? Her shit may not stink, but her son’s sure as hell does. I said what I said. @@@@@@ Danny: Did you know, Lucy, that your father was once a banana? Lucy: What. Daniel: It wasn’t the best memory. Nick chased me all the way to California. Lily: I was a strawberry. Danny: These two crazy kids ran off to the west coast. Lily: We needed money. Daniel wasn’t medically able to donate any more plasma and I just felt porn was beneath me. Lucy: So you became fruit? Daniel: I never told you this, Lily, but the costumes were for a bit of nutritional erotica. Sorry. Lily: I always knew. That’s why I burnt the ever loving shit out of your grilled cheese. Lucy: YAWN. Danny: Someone’s tired. Daniel: I’ll take you back to the hotel, Lucy. I forgot all about the jet lag thing. Lucy: I’m fine. And dessert is your favorite. Try the strawberry shortcake. Tee hee. Danny: I’ll take my granddaughter back to the hotel. We clearly need to have a talk. They leave. Daniel: Those sons of bitches are trying to set us up. Lily: I didn’t notice anything. Daniel: Sometimes I think my mother could be standing right in front of you and you wouldn’t notice. Lily: You’re going to eat those words one day. @@@@@@ Nate: It’s Bring Your Bad Decisions to Work Day. Victoria: Audra just used nine buzzwords in a five word sentence. Nate: My associate never fails to impress. Victoria: I think she’s after your job. Nate: You gotta love her. Victoria: Those sleeves, tho. Nate: I have a foolproof plan to ensure my own job security. Victoria: Let’s go over these beautifully crunched numbers while practically in each other’s laps. Nate: Your instinct to jettison McCall is even more brilliant than I ever imagined. Market share. Power moves. Blah blah. Victoria: I’ve got bourbon. Let’s have a completely appropriate celebration of nothing in particular while engaging in deliciously bawdy talk that could also be perfectly innocent. Nate: This bourbon is top shelf. I don’t always get plied with liquor by my boss, but when I do, it’s Crotch County Kentucky Reserve Bourbon. Victoria: You are the most interesting man in the world. I’m so glad you didn’t return to medicine after that whole dumb Phyllis thing. Nate: You don’t get bourbon like this in the operating room. There’s nothing like letting the heat play across your tongue, tasting every nuance… Victoria: Would you resist a refill? Nate: I’m done resisting. Assimilate my ass. Audra: Hark! Do I hear pens clattering to the floor and furniture creaking? I love it when opportunity knocks boots. @@@@@@ Abby: I’m nervous. In a good way. Devon: Relax, pretty lady. We’re just nice, comforting filler on today’s episode. There’s no pressure. Abby: You’re so right. Imagine putting on big, floppy clown shoes, wearing your underwear on your head and playing the slide whistle with your ass while marching through a jazz lounge. Devon: It sucks to be Chance. @@@@@@ Chance: Can we talk alone, Diane? Diane: A tempting request, but I must decline. Jack: She’s not going anywhere with you. You do not want any of this Captain Save a Chick energy. You just don’t. Chance: Jack, I’m trying to be discreet. That’s why I’m flanked by cops and doing this in front of everyone. Jack: This is a memorial service, copper. You can meet us at the house. Chance: You have forced my hand, which recently held some very telling, very convenient new evidence. I must act now, before any rational thought processes kick in. You’re under arrest, Diane Jenkins! Diane: For an ambulance accident? I was here the whole time. Chance: Phyllis’ blood was loaded with so much strychnine that a lab tech died handling it. You just got served. Lauren: That explains why Phyllis stumbled a bit and slurred mildly while giving a surprisingly aware speech ragging on Diane and Jack! Masterful work, Detective. Jack: Why aren’t you hassling Jeremy Stark, the convicted felon? No one believes he’s married to Phyllis, because if I believe it, I’ll fall head over heels back in love with her. Chance: I don’t have to explain myself to you. Internal affairs might be another story, but I’ve blundered ahead too far to stop now. Diane: I’m being framed! For fucks sake, can’t you morons see Phyllis over there wearing Joker lipstick and a shit wig? Chance: Phyllis has red hair. Nice try. Diane: Michael! Michael, you’ll be my lawyer, right? Michael: I really should, but I’ve already forgotten the gala food and accused Lauren of malodorous flatulence. I can’t afford a third strike. Chance’s case is made of cotton candy and glue dots and would be a chance to legally teabag the GCPD. Damn it. Lauren: You’re not thinking of representing that vicious killer, are you? Chance’s case is more airtight than Tupperware! Michael: Sorry, Diane. Jack, call an attorney. Don’t say a god damn word until that lawyer shows up. Jack: I’ll find a lawyer who will get this so-called evidence laughed out of court! Anyone know any hand puppets that have passed the Wisconsin bar? Summer: Go on, Kyle. I can’t gloat while you’re here. Kyle: Some policeman’s cap is getting lucky tonight. Diane is hauled off in handcuffs. Nick: I changed my tighty whities. Well, admittedly I’m freeballing it now. Are you okay? Summer: Is this how you make your constipated face? It is? I’m good then. I have what I want. The truth. Diane murdered my mother. Mom tried to tell me what a psychopath Diane was, but I refused to recognize her expertise In cold blooded insanity. @@@@@@ Phyllis: Not quite the narcissistic supply I was hoping for, but at least Diane is headed to prison. Ha ha. She’ll never have Jack. Caw caw! I have succeeded in getting my vengeance beyond my wildest dreams. Wandering into the room where my memorial service was held is a boss move. Jeremy was wrong about my poor risk assessment skills.

Man, I can’t believe Velma from Scooby Doo showed up at the memorial service. That’s some star studded shit right there. How did show keep such a dazzling celebrity cameo under wraps? If a murder can be solved through the sheer power of assholery, Summer may just become Genoa City’s Columbo. Did Buttbiscuit share his and Phyllis’ “love story” with the mourners? Or is this shit going to last all week?

I respect Waldo’s skill at finding the right Phyllis nickname at the right time. She has seamlessly transitioned from Rodan to Copperhead to Crispy, each name fitting her and her situation to a T.

Jack: Hey, Nick. It’s Jack. You repeatedly fucked me over when it came to Phyllis, but I’m a better person than you, so give me a call if you need to talk. Asshole. Ashley: Oh, so you can care about other people instead of just Diane. Jack: Really? We’re doing this today? Ashley: Phyllis is dead. I’m taking up the torch of Diane obsession. ********* Tucker: This the pariah lounge? Diane: Get bent. Tucker: You’re the best opportunity to shit stir I’ve come across all day. ******* Billy: Ah, the air smells of grief. 10 million cubic liters of mourning, if my capacious nostrils can be trusted. Sharon: That’s funny. I don’t remember ordering any buttbiscotti. Billy: How are you holding up? Sharon: Fine. It’s not entirely satisfying throwing confetti around at home with the curtains drawn, but I have to consider the feelings of others. Billy: That’s one way to live. Got any therapist’s advice for grief that doesn’t sound like a dollar store sympathy card? Sharon: Oh that’s right. You’re probably sad that your fuck buddy kicked off. Well, there is a Phyllis sized hole in our lives, like she was the Kool-Aid man crashing through our reality. Billy: Everything is less colorful now. It’s like the color blue doesn’t exist anymore. Unless her veneers survived the wreck. ******** Summer: I need flowers to match my mother’s personality. Yes, a dozen pitcher plants will be fine. Hangs up. Flowers are done. Now onto the programs. Kyle: Can I do something? Pleeease. C’mon. Summer: Go find a hat. I need to do this alone. Kyle: How I used to long to hear you say that. I even bought a top hat just in case. Sigh. What about Daniel? Shouldn’t he be included? Summer: No. His creative abilities are wildly overrated. ******* Jack: We’re not having this conversation today of all days. Ashley: I’m afraid what happened to Phyllis will happen to you! Jack: Stark really isn’t my type. Ashley: After the hell Diane put us all through, you keep forcing her into our company, our home and now our family. Jack: Phyllis was a huge part of this family. You can’t even hold your vitriol in until after her ashes have cooled. She was your co-conspirator, spending her last days relentlessly attacking the woman I love. It’s sad that you’d keep her campaign of malice going. Ashley: I will turn this around on you and make you the bad guy. Jack: Get a life! Ashley: This is my life! Undermining you! ******** Summer: Stop making me waste my energy telling you to fuck off. Kyle: I’m just trying to help. Lean on my tall hair. Summer: Don’t you see? I owe my mom for the way I held her responsible for her own destructive actions. She needed me to give her a free pass and I failed her. Kyle: So you guys fought. You always made up. Phyllis knew you loved her. Summer: How do you know? Her maternal instincts were hit or miss. Kyle: Maybe you should talk to Sharon. Summer: Sharon? Sharon hates my mother for some inexplicable reason. Kyle: Oh, oh. I know this one! Call on me! Summer: I won’t be brainwashed into thinking my mother’s death was a wild series of coincidences. The evening took a dark turn when Diane tried to strangle her and ended with a deer assassin taking mom out. Kyle: What are you saying? That my mom hired a killer deer? That she trained a deer to lure that ambulance off the road? Summer: I can’t talk to you when you’re irrational like this. ******** Billy: I bet you’re thinking about Rey. Sharon: Since Chelsea’s not around, I figured I could have his memory to myself. It’s actually been a year since he died. Billy: He was a good dude. Widowhood struck Chelsea really hard. Sharon: Sometimes I wake up and roll over, thinking I’ll see him there next to me. In our bed. The bed we shared as husband and wife. There’s a message he left me that I can’t bring myself to delete. “Sharon, I gave Noah the talk again. It’s hard to tell over the phone, but I think he knows what goes where now.” Billy: Good talk. But I can’t leave until I awkwardly touch your shoulder. ******* Summer: Hey, Daniel. How are you? Daniel: Everything hurts. Summer: Yeah. It hurts to talk. It hurts to hear Kyle talk. Daniel: I couldn’t sleep. Ended up drawing Mom. Summer: This is amazing. It’s going right on the program. Daniel: Like that? I can improve it. Maybe erase the horns and handlebar mustache. Summer: It’s perfect. Look, I’m sorry I’ve been hogging this memorial thing. I just feel so guilty for reacting in a natural, emotionally functional way to Mom’s bullshit. Daniel: I get why you need to do this alone. I would be completely useless anyway. I’m still having that vague, unspecified problem that torpedoed my thing with Heather. Summer: Oh yeah. The problem. Daniel: Don’t worry. We’ll give our mother the send off she deserves. And then I’ll give Jeremy Stark what he deserves. Summer: Oh my god! I thought it was just me! Does anyone have a whiteboard and some dry erase markers? Jeremy’s and Diane’s scheme will soon be exposed! ******* Billy: What’s her problem? Jack: She’s a lawnmower who thinks Diane’s ass is made of grass. Billy: You know what they say, gas, grass or ass, no one rides for free. Jack: Phyllis is dead and all Ashley can do is bitch about my fiancee. This is a woman who was an important part of this family for years. Billy: Ah, Phyllis. She was hell on wheels and a freak between the sheets. She was fiery and intense and surprisingly agile inside an elevator. I’ll miss her. Jack: You’re a real piece of shit. Billy: I just got back from the rumor mill and word around town is that Diane might be feeling some heat from the cops. Jack: Does this rumor mill have a name? Billy: No, but it has a location - nestled in the posterior quadrant of my skinny jeans. Jack: Only a criminal like Jeremy Stark with an axe to grind would make such ridiculous allegations. This guy who mysteriously married Phyllis, a woman he didn’t even know, is just deflecting. Billy: It’s not just Stark, but whatevs. Jack: Don’t tell me you’re stupid enough to believe Diane orchestrated this tragedy. Billy: Of course not. Just letting you know that the grapevine is making wine. God, I’m clever. Jack: I’m even more determined to make Diane my wife now. Never let it be said that Jack Abbott didn’t double and triple down on his romantic mistakes. Billy: I almost forgot. I actually stopped by to take your emotional temperature. Jack: Weird how it always feels like you’re doing it rectally. ******** Sharon: Is Summer okay? She blew past me with her middle finger in the air. Kyle: I don’t know what the fuck to do. All I did was suggest she get professional help because she believes my mother used a remote controlled robot deer to play chicken with her mom’s ambulance. Sharon: Would it help if I shared some boilerplate codswallop from Grief 101? Kyle: Deploying bouffant of cliche absorption. ********* Ashley: I’m angry and my ego is hungry. Tucker: Come in. I’ve had a mildly entertaining day. Let’s see if I can’t debase myself for your affections. Ashley: Everything is so amusing to you. You’re just so flip and detached. Tucker: Precisely. But if you share your problem, maybe I can match your snotty indignation. Ashley: Jack is blind! Tucker: Did he look directly into Phyllis’ teeth? Ashley: Not like that. He’s still romancing Diane. So much for your plan to announce our fake engagement and upstage those two idiots. Everyone is focused on Phyllis. Rightly so, of course. Tucker: You’re looking at this all wrong. Once Jack is done trying to jump in the hole and surf Phyllis’ casket, he’ll be playing hero to poor, persecuted Diane. The absolute fuck you that is our engagement will stick right in his craw. And then you’ll fall in love with me. Ashley: How do you figure? Tucker: Prolonged exposure to Tucker McCall often results in sexytimes and happiness. You’re not immune. Ashley: You still have a lot of work to do. Tucker: I’m a hard worker. I’ll build you a house, buy you a ring and talk mad shit to Jack and Diane. You can’t even imagine how awesome life will be. Ashley: Cool story, bro. ******** Kyle: Mom! Uh, you haven’t been talking to any deer lately, have you? Diane: Nooo. What would we even discuss? Kyle: Conspiracy to commit murder? Sorry, I’m just upset about Summer. She’s making all these crazy accusations and I can’t seem to talk her down. Diane: Don’t worry about it. I’m not even mad at her. She just lost her mother and I’m an easy target. It’s like being mad at a rabid squirrel for biting you. Kyle: Can deer get rabies? I saw on Law & Order ZOO once this deer faked rabies to beat a murder rap. Turned out he’d been vaccinated where the vet couldn’t spot the needle mark. Diane: I’ll never stop apologizing for abandoning you. You clearly needed more guidance than one parent could provide. Kyle: I put a wig on a hockey stick and called it Mom. Maybe I can find a couple of lemons and superglue ‘em to a broom for Summer. ******** Daniel: I can’t attack Jeremy personally. I’d catch his hands like they were chicken pox. No, I’ve got to be savvy about this. I’ve narrowed my targets down to three of the top velour storage warehouses in the midwest. I’ve got a book of matches and nothing to lose. Summer: It’s not just Stark though. He and Diane clearly worked together to recruit a deer to take out my mother. I suspect Stark began with a plan to merely give mom Lyme disease. Daniel: How does the marriage fit in? Summer: Isn’t it obvious? As her husband, Jeremy would have the access to make Mom’s tick disappear, thereby making it impossible for animal control to trace it back to the deer. Daniel: But how could Jeremy and Diane be sure Mom and the deer would get near each other? Summer: I’ve thought about that. I think the deer was meant to be a wedding present from Diane. Diane, though, lost her shit that night at the gala. She went rogue. A tick bite was too slow. Mom was going to expose her devious scheme to marry Jack and spend time with Kyle. Daniel: Diane lost her shit? Did I miss something? Summer: Jack and Kyle and I walked in on Diane wringing Mom’s neck. She was screaming that she’d kill her. Yes, that night, I believe Diane quickly made a detour to the deer’s suite before rejoining the party. Diane gave him the map Jeremy drew of the ambulance’s route and told him to do his thing. Daniel: I’m confused. Why did Mom pass out? Summer: Our hatred and resentment poisoned her. Diane knew that Phyllis would pitch a fit when she and Jack announced their engagement and that we’d react by scolding her. Daniel: Diabolical! Or should I say deer-abolical? Diane used us as weapons against our own mother! Summer: Our mom was in that ambulance with a shattered heart. But it was the deer who ended the ride. All Diane would have to do is offer it a bag of apples and our mother’s life was expendable. Daniel: Now Jeremy is accusing Diane because she double deer-crossed him. Summer: Kyle thinks I’m crazy. Daniel: How can we make sure the world sees the truth? Summer: Leave that to me.

Tucker is Katherine Chancellor’s son, making his grandson Dominic a Chancellor as well. Not that DNA defines family, of course.

Sally: Nate. I don’t feel so good. Nate: You need some new streaming options? Because I’m not a doctor anymore. Sally: Something might be wrong with my baby. As an incubator, special maintenance is occasionally required. ******** Adam: The usual. Sharon: Say what? Adam: I’m trying to order coffee. Sharon: I can’t seem to focus. After what happened, I just want to rent some confetti cannons, dance and try out some cartwheel. But… I’m worried that society will judge me. Adam: Something happened? After the party, I went home and sniffed Scrubbin’ Bubbles to cleanse the image of Nick feeling up Sally. Sharon: There’s no easy way to say this without smiling. Phyllis is dead. Adam: No kidding. Got any of that vanilla biscotti today? ******* Chance: There’s something weird about this whole Phyllis case that rubs me the wrong way. I just can’t put my finger on it. Especially my thumb, which is currently up my ass. Abby: Chance, can I speak to you? I’ve got a lot of dumb shit to say. Chance: That’s right up my alley. ****** Victoria: I’m worried about Nick. He diddles anything that moves when he’s grieving. He’ll also tap inanimate objects if the pain is deep enough. Nikki: Charm school was completely wasted on him. Victoria: Summer must be devastated. I’ll really need to conserve my energy so I can pretend to care. Nikki: She is quite composed, as a lady of fine breeding should be. Naturally, I assume she’s on the very cusp of derangement and am quite proud of her for stifling any unseemly histrionics. Victoria: So I don’t have to visit her today? Nikki: It would be best if you waited. Jack had a circle of salt placed around the manse. I fear it would do great harm to your and your father’s kind. Victor: Life is for the living. And the undead. Did you extract any information from Tucker? Victoria: No. He wouldn’t share the name of his turtleneck supplier. Victor: Damn him. What about McCall Unlimited? Victoria: Eh. I’ve lost interest. Victor: I haven’t. I still own this company. Victoria: I’m CEO. Victor: Because I handed you that chair. This is about Adam, not business. Why do you resist my efforts to reunite the family and force you to share your toys? Victoria: I’ve got approximately 10 fucks left to give and Adam’s name ain’t on any of them. Victor: It used to be fun to make you kids fight for my approval. Chess isn’t fulfilling when you can’t control your pawns. Victoria: Buy it and give it to Adam. Just not under the Newman umbrella. Victor: I want Adam to have his own accomplishments. Victoria: Giving him a company isn’t an ‘Adam’ accomplishment. It’s rank nepotism. Coddling. Spoiling him. Oh god, I just heard myself. ******* Abby: I’ll beat around the bush and take a painfully circuitous route to my point. Chance: I expect nothing less. Abby: Devon asked me and Dom to move in with him. I wanted to make sure you were cool with it. Chance: You’re asking my opinion? WTF? Abby: I thought it would be respectful to stop freeloading off your family and shack up with the guy I cheated on you with. I’m pretty sure Nina would like me to leave, if the real estate brochures she’s wallpapered my room with are any indication. Chance: She also bought a neon Get the Fuck Out sign today, so I’d get to steppin’.. Abby: You can move back in. It’s your birthright. Chance: Genoa City isn’t an aristocracy. It’s just a house. Abby: How basic. Anyhoo, I’ll leave Dom’s stuff there for when he comes to visit. Hopefully he hasn’t inherited my tendency to forget his non-biological parent. ******* Devon: Thanks for the coffee, Lily. Lily: Not coffee, Devon. The cappuccino of compromise. Devon: Right. How’s Daniel? Lily: He kept talking about all the ways Phyllis could have been saved. When he got to the asbestos helicopter, I knew he was delirious with fatigue.. Devon: Speaking of flammable stuff, let’s keep talking about Chancellor Winters. Lily: I’m super nervous that we’ll start fighting again. What happens when your habit of crackling empty water bottles drives me to a psychotic break? Devon: We just won’t let it happen. I’m telling you, that night in the lounge has changed my perspective. That picture of Dad, his favorite music playing, all those silver dresses reminding me of the briefcase of righteous justice… Lily: It was like he was right there, telling us to knock it the fuck off. ******** Nate: I thought you looked different at the gala. I just assumed it was the red-assed baboon on your arm. Sally: I haven’t told a lot of people. I figure my skin tight outfits will do the talking. Nate: So what’s bothering you? Sally: My brain has turned into a pudding like substance. I get a little nauseous and feel some fluttery weirdness in my stomach. I’m so confused. Nate: This is after you eat, right? Maybe after you’ve eaten too much? Sally: Well… four waffles, an omelette, toast, french toast, three cinnamon rolls, maple brown sugar ice cream, sausage and pepper pizza, onion rings, pork rinds and a Snickers. Nate: Well, I can’t ethically diagnose you, but I’m comfortable declaring that you’ve lost anywhere from 25 to 45 IQ points. Babies don’t stay still for nine months. Sally: Oh, I get it! When I eat, so does the baby. If eating energizes me, it affects the baby the same way! Yay! Nate: I’ll offer you three bits of advice. Chamomile tea is great for nausea. Eat frequent, but smaller meals. Finally, and again, I can’t diagnose you, but new studies indicate stupid is contagious. You need to dress in full hazmat around Nick. Sally: Your bedside manner is wonderful. ****** Adam: Phyllis. Gone in the blink of an eye. Sharon: I wonder where that deer is now. Hopefully he’s being feted by his fellow Cervidae. Adam: How’s Nick? Sharon: Well, he’s pretty torn up. I was with him while the news rolled in. He got teary-eyed and blew his nose into my new clutch. I haven’t heard from him since. Adam: He’ll be in touch. He has no concept of how gross it is to dump his toxic emo shit about Phyllis on you. Speaking of toxic assholes, I’ve been summoned. ******* Devon: Losing people really puts shit into perspective, you know? Pretty original observation on my part, amirite. Lily: It really does bring the cliches to the forefront. People will be talking like sympathy cards for at least a week. Devon: Loss is hard. We’ve been through it. Neil, Hilary… the hole in your heart never quite goes away. Lily: That second one was totally my bad. Devon: I’ve invited Abby to move in. It’s what Neil would have wanted. ******* Adam: Here I am, Lucy. Hold the football nice and steady. Victor: You heard about Phyllis? Adam: Yep. My fuck bank is overdrawn. Victor: Your sister has decided to shitcan the McCall acquisition. Adam: Override her. Victor: She is the CEO, k? Undermining her would be bad. Adam: Fire her ass. Victor: We don’t go through her for McCall, alright? We go around her. She’s the size of a blade of grass, so it will take five seconds at most. Adam: The football. You moved it. No. No, you dropkicked me through the goalposts of fate. You like Victoria more than me. Victor: I resent you all equally. Adam: Right. Well, Nick has my lady and Victoria has my career. Why don’t you give my car and Harvard degree to Abby? Victor: Who? ******** Sharon: I saw Abby talking and you standing there with your eyes glazed over. Is everything okay? Chance: I don’t know. Abby’s moving into Devon’s place with Dominic. She inexplicably wanted to run it past me instead of just getting the fuck out of the house. Sharon: So… you’re free. Free to let go of the anger and resentment I mean. Chance: it might be a while before I get the image of Devon motorboating my wife off my retinas. Sharon: I understand. I once caught Nick and Phyllis wearing banana costumes. If I may be completely full of shit for a minute, the loss of Rey and now the sudden passing of Phyllis really emphasizes how life is too short to hold grudges. Let it all go. Embrace your freedom. Chance: I feel like I should be paying you for this therapy session. That was sarcasm, by the way. ******** Sally: Oh, Adam. Where are you hurrying off to? Adam: Nowhere. Everywhere. I dunno. Sally: I’m just here for tea. Nate told me all about it. It involves pouring hot water over this funny little bag with a string. Adam: … Sally: If you’re not too busy going nowhere, I wouldn’t mind someone joining me on this beverage adventure. Adam: Sure. How’s old fuckface? Sally: Heartbroken. Depressed. Constipated. Adam: Jealous? Sally: No. They share a child. That creates an unbreakable bond. Summer is basically Gorilla Glue. Adam: Nate turned you on to tea, huh? I think my sister would like to sample his teabags. Sally: My tum tum felt funny. Adam: Are you alright? Is it afternoon sickness? Yo, are you still taking those pre-natal vitamins? Why am I asking stuff that is none of my fucking business? Sally: You do seem sore about something. Adam: I thought I was moving towards something positive, a light at the end of the tunnel. Turns out it was Dad driving a train. Sally: Wait. You thought something positive could come from Victor? Could Nate be right? Have you been tested for STUPVID-19? Adam: He chose Victoria over me. Again. The crazy thing is that I thought he might choose me. Sally: You don’t need Victor or McCall Unlimited. You only need yourself. You’re good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it people like you. Adam: You always know the right thing to say. It would mean so much more if you didn’t blow the same smoke up Nick’s backside. ******* Victoria: Please come in. Nate: I’m excited to get balls deep in quarterly reports. Victoria: I was very impressed with you and that chick rushing to help Phyllis after she fainted. It was… stimulating watching you play doctor. Nate: Elena keeps asking herself if there was more she could have done. Me? I don’t give a damn. Victoria: Speaking of putting things out of their misery, McCall is off the table. It’s just not a good investment for Newman. Nate: Your instincts are always 1000% right. Now Devon can buy it if he wants. Victoria: Everyone wins. May I share something off the record and a bit naughty? Nate: I’m honored to be included in your inner circle. Victoria: I’d love for you to be very, very deep in my circle. I lied to my father. I stopped pursuing McCall Unlimited purely to kick Adam in the jimmies. I’m really pleased with myself for coming up with the ultimate cock block. Nate: Fucking over your family is the ultimate high. ******** Abby: I’m moving in. Devon: Wonderful. Abby: Chance blessed our union. Devon: For real? Abby: His mom rented me a U-Haul. Sounds like a thumbs up to me. Devon: I love you. Abby: What a coincidence. I love you too. Can we turn the photo of Neil face down when we do it though?

Dead. Dead-er. That message was so clearly bullshit. Phyllis sounded like she was on a bender, and no one would ever believe that Jack Abbott has to be tricked into proposing.

I am intrigued by your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter. How does Sally listen to Nick describe abandoning his grieving wife and acting like a dirty dog and not run for the hills? He’s telling you directly that he’s a piece of shit. Get the fuck outta there. The writer of this drivel can stop gaslighting us any time. Having Phyllis’s biggest victims sing her praises is weird and unnecessary.

Nick: Phyllis is gone. I’m constipated. Sally: I’m dressed like a snake to bring you warm, fuzzy memories of your ex. Nick: I got a Fleet Platinum in the bathroom. Can you de-poopify me in my time of grief? ******* Nikki: There was so much pain in Nicholas’ voice on the phone. Victor: He’s probably trying to pass another brick. I’ve offered him my Metamucil, k? Phyllis’ death would affect anyone, yougotthat? ******** Sharon: Is it… is it okay to dance? I have a very elaborate celebratory dance planned for this occasion specifically. There’s elements of Salsa, Charleston, the Jive - oh shit, Chance. Here’s my sad face. ******* Phyllis: This coffee tastes like it was drained off the LaBrea tar pits. Jeremy: Get used to it. This isn’t Crimson Lights, where Sharon spits a secret ingredient into your mug. Phyllis: What? What? Jeremy: This plan is working perfectly. You can’t ever go back, because Genoa City residents will realize they’re the stupidest fucking assholes on the planet. Phyllis: Someone is knocking! Knocking! I’d better stand here in plain sight. ******* Kyle: Check out my nipples in this shirt, Dad. Jack: I’d rather not. Even though Phyllis had become a psychotic train wreck, I still wanted to throw on my conductor’s cap and ride it off the rails. Kyle: Mom’s not in trouble, is she? Jack: Of course not. Unless she spouts off heresies about Saint Phyllis. Kyle: I don’t know what to do about Summer. I offered her one of my therapy hats and she slapped me silly. She is so joyous and full of life that it’s hard to see her like this. Jack: Are you sure you’re talking about Summer? ******* Chance: Here we are, taking everything about this Phyllis situation at face value. Poirot I am not. Christine: We’ll never get anything out of Phyllis’ remains. That ambulance burned like a motherfucker. Chance: The mysterious poison will never be traced. We’ll just ignore how intense that fire would have to be to register that level of physical obliteration. Christine: If we science too much, some audience members might march on us with torches and pitchforks. Chance: Jeremy was pointing the finger at Diane. The middle one. Christine: He’s a wild card. And not the good kind like in Uno. Michael: May I sit down and rub my great love for Phyllis in Chris’ face? ******** Stash: Turns out my name is Carson. Stash Carson. Phyllis: Why would you even come here? That facial hair is like the Pied Piper. Jeremy: He and I have unfinished business. Take this money and buy a razor, man. Phyllis: Did the cops buy the story? The poison stuff? Were you convincing? Convincing? Stash: More convincing than those three goats in a trench coat Victor employs. Jeremy: Alright. Your debt is paid. You still owe society for that lip duster, but that ain’t none of my business. Phyllis: Carson gets to keep his identity. Boo hoo. Jeremy: No regrets, Phyllis. Diane will soon be a murder suspect. You’d best leave before the fashion police spot that sweater. ******** Nick: We’ll put the enema on a shelf. That Ex-Lax brownie might do for me. Sally: You’re so understanding. Nick: I know. When I’m radiating grief, I snort like an angry bull. It’s the manly way to mourn. Sally: Her poor kids. Nick: Noah and Allie are tripping balls but should come around soon. I told Faith to call her sister. She laughed, but that’s how she grieves. Wait, those aren’t her kids. Are they? Sally: How’s Christian? Nick: Who? You keep brnging him up and I’m like… wut? Sally: Your garage attendant. Nick: Right! Oh, he adored Phyllis. She always tipped him a shiny quarter for giving her windshield a nice squeegee. Sally: You know, you can always go to Summer. Nick: It’s so difficult staying away from her. She’s probably not in an enema mood tho. ******* Summer: I’m fine. I’m a bad ass woman who is done with being sad. Time to get shit done. Jack: Sure. Want some breakfast? Kyle: Need to do some more slapping? My cheek is still numb. Summer: Not hungry. Not wallowing. Where’s Harrison? Jack: Diane took him for a latte. Summer: Oh. You guys thought I’d attack Diane again. Believe me, I’m over it. I’m going out. Kyle: To work? Stay home. Stay in bed. I already called in for the next six months. Summer: I have a memorial to plan. The Cult of Copperhead will rise. ******* Michael: Lauren said she could literally feel her heart breaking. Christine: Was she hungry? Forgetting that food was the second biggest tragedy of the evening. Michael: I need you to hear this chilling voicemail from Phyllis. I had my phone shut off because I promised Lauren a romantic evening. Imagine my shock when I turned it back on to hear this not at all scripted anti-Diane screed. Phyllis: Michael. Caw caw! Diane. She opened a giant can of whoop ass and forced it down my throat. She threatened to bludgeon me to death with a pair of skis. I’m conveniently terrified of that crazy bitch and have left this convenient, incriminating message prior to my unexpected death. Caw! Christine: Tee-hee. Michael: Something funny? Christine: Justice for Phyllis depends on her hit and run victim. Oh sorry, I’m supposed to pretend her campaign of terror against me was “mutual”. Michael: Now that’s hilarious! ******** Kyle: Come in, Victor. Jack: Are you crazy? My silver-tipped wooden stake is in the shop. Summer: Grandma, Grandpa, you don’t have to check on me. I’m fine. I’m a Newman and we are awesome! Kyle: Weird flex. Summer: I won’t be coddled. That’s why I blocked Dad’s number. Kyle: Summer has started planning her mother’s memorial service. Nikki: So soon? My dear, that is how the peasantry mourns. Victor: Don’t put Michael Baldwin in charge of the food, yougotthat? ******* Jeremy: Are you having second thoughts? We’re not going to find marks this dumb again. Phyllis: When I started my meltdown, my kids seemed disturbed. When I passed out, though, they seemed concerned. Jeremy: People who aren’t narcissists often express care for those experiencing medical distress. Phyllis: Huh. How did they react to the horrible news that my ambulance crashed? Jeremy: They were upset. Are human emotions foreign to you? Phyllis: Why did the driver agree to fake his own death? Jeremy: He was Billy Abbott’s ear, nose and throat specialist. It was time to move on. Phyllis: The two stiffs from the morgue? Jeremy: I outbid Victor for them. A question for you: where are you going to begin your new life? Phyllis: I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I could probably stay in Genoa City and no one would notice. ******* Nick: Phyllis was the embodiment of life. She was wild and free, fierce and untamed. She was a mustang of the plains, her spirit too bold and sassy to be tamed. Sally: Poetry. Nick: My relationship with Phyllis - hey, I just realized I might come across as a disgusting warthog if I keep talking. Plus, I think my payload is touching cotton. Sally: Tell me of your magical courtship. Nick: Sharon and I had lost our daughter. I was drowning, and my dick latched onto the first life raft that floated by. I mean, I was hunting down Phyllis’ son, who I wrongly blamed for Cassie’s accident, so I could pound the bejeezus out of him. How are two people not supposed to bang in that situation? Sally: Of course. Nick: I guess Phyllis was with Jack at the time. He was a pretty good stepdad to me once, but doesn’t that make his woman off limits. Sally: Naturally. Nick: Sharon had mixed feelings about it. Her daughter was dead, Phyllis was always shoving her bump with my replacement daughter in it in her face. I’ll miss her. Sally: It’s just amazing that you could still be friends. What a prince you are. Nick: Right? We had an unbreakable bond, at least until the paramedics showed up with solvent. And we had Summer. Well I wasn’t sure I had Summer, but I kept that on the down low until she was an adult. Hey, I lost one daughter and here was a brand new baby. It was meant to be. Sally: You’re the greatest father who ever lived. Nick: Now Summer is shutting me out. I used to sing a song to her when she was little and being all pouty. I like big butts and I cannot lie… Sally: She’ll get through this, Nick. Because she has you, superdad. Nick: Lack of fiber is my kryptonite. ******* Sharon: I thought losing my daughter was rock bottom. Nick abandoned me, cheated on me, knocked up his mistress and had a happy little family with his new child and my son. Talk about salt in the wound. Chance: It was mutual, right? I’m learning that Phyllis cannot wrong, she can only be wronged. Sharon: She dropped my friend off a cliff. Chance: That was a long time ago, before her canonization. Sharon: I will say, when I was diagnosed with cancer, she was rather kind. Chance: Wow. And she’s not a Nobel Peace Prize winner? Sharon: Hard to believe. ********* Victor: Jagabbot, we need to talk. This accident was very strange. That ambulance was traveling a strange route to the hospital. Jack: The Collins Road. Why would the driver need to pass by a mime academy and butt lift clinic? Victor: Could the poison have collapsed her ass cheeks? Jack: I hope you’re not implying Diane had anything to do with it. Victor: Perhaps Jeremy and Phyllis were adopting a mime. We must get to the bottom of this. I’ll be Sherlock Holmes and you can be Twatson, k? ******** Jeremy: We need to go our separate ways now. I’ll always look back on our brief marriage fondly. Phyllis: You mean you’ll look upon your inheritance fondly. Jeremy: Your kids get half too. And you’ve still got a huge pile of cash to start over with. You’re shrewd and determined. You can find a place to lay low and wait for news of Diane’s arrest. Meanwhile, I’ll be using my new fortune to ensconce myself, my home, my pets and my car in velour. Phyllis: Oh, a memorial service for me. I’ll certainly pass on that opportunity to snort adoration like fresh cut cocaine. Caw!

Mariah and Tessa

I have to call in to work dead. MsMalin killed me with Sherwin Williams paint chips. i, too, have grown fond of Audra. I wish she’d direct her mad trolling skillz at Nick, but he doesn’t have enough game to make it fun for her. Ugh. Work.

What a shame I have to work the next two afternoons! I only hope I don’t miss any scenes of Nick being an absolute prick to all who displease him. What a stud, threatening to sic security on Leanna. What kind of troglodytes do they hire at the GCAC that could make Nick seem like a gentlemanly choice? I’m pretty sure he was sleeping with his eyes open while Sharon was talking nonsense about what a humanitarian Phyllis had become.