NinjaPenguins

Diane: Did you just propose? Jack: Yeah. It’s a harder addiction to kick than the pills, tbh. Diane: You’re caught up in the moment, what with Jeremy’s terrifying tree branch attack and all. Jack: That wasn’t - you know what? I’ll be back. @@@@@@ Phyllis: I’m… in a room. Is it mine? Sally’s? Tucker’s? Why are they all identical? Oh, Jeremy. What happened? Jeremy: I saw you drunkenly stumble out onto the street. Michael made as if to go after you, so it’s weird that he didn’t catch up. Phyllis: Oh god, did I get into a car? Being intoxicated and getting behind the wheel is dangerous. It’s so much easier to hit your target when sober. Jeremy: Nah, you just faceplanted in the middle of traffic. I managed to get you out of there before karma rolled over you. Security has probably uploaded the footage to YouTube. Phyllis: Big deal. I’m the star of the infamous Monkey Man and Raptor Woman sex tape. Jeremy: That was you? The price of bananas still hasn’t recovered in at least nine countries. But I digress. This incident could have been so much worse. Phyllis? Are you threatening me? Threatening me? Because I will burn this whole fucking hotel to the ground with you in it. Try me. Just… try me. Jeremy: I learned some important lessons in prison as I sat there for six years fuming and seething with bitterness. I learned that those feelings could be honed into a powerful weapon against the person who wrecked my shit. With focus and a revenge plot comes serenity. Phyllis: Serenity now, insanity later. Jeremy: I’ll let you in on my plan, but not so the audience can hear. That might be interesting and I know that doesn’t fly in Genoa City. @@@@@ Billy: Nephew Buttbiscuit! Kyle: Uncle Buttbiscuit! Billy: On your way to work? Kyle: Met with some vendors. Well, a vending machine. I wanted the Payday but got the fucking Zagnut by accident. What are you up to? Billy: Contemplating the mysteries of life, mysteries such as “should I get a job?” or “when is it acceptable to bang someone you saved from suicide?” Kyle: I think my parents are banging right now. Billy: Your dad told me all about it. I gave him the much sought after buttbiscuit blessing and told him to get after it. Kyle: Why? Billy: My motto is Why the Hell Not? What’s your beef? Kyle: Well, I don’t know if I can trust my mom. She’s always sanding my hair when I fall asleep. Billy: Dude, I can relate. Well, I can re-write history to make it seem like I relate. My mom, Jill, was an ogre. My dad was awesome. He always refused to sign the consent forms for my nostril reduction surgery. Why couldn’t my mother accept me? Why did she have to always call me her little anteater? Kyle: We should talk more often. We’re a lot alike. Billy: Hey, if you see Jack, tell him I’m seriously considering his proposal. Kyle: Jesus Christ, he proposed to you too? @@@@@@ Sally: I’m knocked up. But it’s not with your sibling, Summer. It’s your cousin. Summer: Oh thank god. I think I speak for the whole world when I tell you to drop dad’s ass like a hot rock. Sally: That’s not happening. We’re still together and I’m so happy. So very, very happy. Your father is everything I could have ever wanted. My standards are decidedly low for some reason. Summer: I figured you for a gold digging, social climbing slutty slut, but it appears you’re just using my dad to cockblock Adam. How selfish. Sally: I’m not using Nick. We have a real connection. He even let me go out on my own today. Summer: Taking advantage of my dad’s kind, generous, protective nature. So typical of someone born without the right last name. Sally: Your dad is Nick Newman, right? Summer: Enjoy your chaos. I’mma flounce. @@@@@@ Adam: I can’t stop thinking about what a dick my brother is. Holy shit is that guy unlikable. Oh fuck me sideways, I’ve summoned him. Nick: We meet again. Twice in the same day. Adam: You can count to two now. Impressive. Nick: I’m going to sit down. See, I peed on this table earlier, so it’s my territory. Get it? GET IT? Adam: No, Nick, I don’t. Explain it to me through interpretive dance. Nick: I’ll just drink out of this comically large glass instead. Did you know Sally now dabs a little of my penile perfume on her wrist before going out? Just to let all the horndogs out there know what’s up. Adam: I thought we were cool. We were getting along better. I even pulled your finger once and almost died in a burrito haze. Now you’re acting like a flaming dickbag. What gives? Nick: Look, we’re basically on the same page here. Thing is, I can’t read. And I just worry that you’ve bought a whole different book and expect me to write a book report. Adam: What? Nick: I’m going to pretend you demanded to go to ALL of Sally’s doctor’s appointments. That’s way out of line. Adam: Fuck you. Nick: Just because it’s your kid doesn’t mean you get to insinuate yourself in Sally’s life. I’ll schedule your time together and chaperone any interactions. Like any machine, an incubator can only handle so much stress. I’ll be measuring that too. Any questions? Adam: Nah. See, I’ve experienced personal growth. I’ve been introduced to the consequences of my actions. Now I get what’s important in life. Chew on that like it’s your cud, caveman. Bye. Nick: Charge my hilariously sizable drinking vessel to his bill, would you? @@@@@@ Phyllis: Your plan is bad and you should feel bad. I could lose everything. Jeremy: Sorry. I’d hate for you to give up your sweet job, busy love life and adoring family. Phyllis: I’m going to leave now. I just saw myself in the mirror and feel compelled to root through the hotel’s trash cans. Jeremy: Well, at least the trash panda didn’t outright refuse me. @@@@@@@ Jack: I’m back and brimming with romantical notions! Diane: Thank god. I’ve been watching the world’s most boring montage. Jack: I got a ring. Bet you didn’t see that coming. Diane: We can’t get married. I’ll just make you a target for Stark. Jack: When I’m in love, nothing can stop me. I must propose. It’s like an involuntary bodily function. Diane: When you put it like that, how can I say no? @@@@@@ Billy: Phyllis. You look like total ass. Phyllis: Yet you used to be all over this. Funny, huh? Billy: I have no discernible sense of humor. Are you alright? Phyllis: Fan-fucking-tastic. Where’s Jack? Billy: He and Diane are back together. You dig? Phyllis: I’m aware. Billy: Allow me to massage salt deeply into your gaping emotional wounds. Diane has moved in with him and they’re off on a weekend fuckfest. Things are going super well with those two crazy kids. Yeah, I can’t remember my brother ever being this blissfully happy. Phyllis? Random Groin Pommel hotel room Phyllis: I want to watch the world burn. Jeremy: Let me find my matches. LOL! Just kidding. It probably won’t get any more risky than planting overdue library books on Diane.

Honestly, when show began, I couldn’t tell if Phyllis was drunk or just being her usual asshole self. Too bad her drunken epiphany appears to be that she cannot fail; she can only be failed.

Diane: Sniff. I never cry at movies. Getting Vitamin D on the regular has made me soft. Jack: We watched The Amityville Horror. Diane: I never want this journey to end. Jack: Happy endings are overrated. Sometimes you get a massage, and it’s like enough already. The handy is just too extra. @@@@@@ Phyllis: Drunk dialing my kids, y’all! Summer, I shot you out of my cooch in an elevator. Jack caught you. Your dad could have been smart. Daniel! I just told your sister’s voicemail about her trip through my birth canal. Call me! Michael: Sweet fancy Moses. Walk away, walk away! Lauren: Too late. We’ve been made. Phyllis: Look at this, two people just staring at me like I’m a human/serpent hybrid. Lauren: What’s with the booze bag routine? Phyllis: Children can break your heart. My kids keep telling me I fucked up their life just because I do exactly what they ask me not to.They don’t even thank me for my bull in a china shop approach! I am sick of it. Sick of it! Michael: I’ve never seen narcissistic decompensating like this and I work for Victor Newman. Phyllis: Since you don’t agree with me, I declare your words meaningless. Lauren: Eat a sandwich. Phyllis: I am not shoving a sandwich down my throat. Michael: I volunteer as tribute. Phyllis: You bastard! You welcomed Diane to town like she wasn’t a virus, infection, organism and any other dehumanizing term you care to imagine. I want that bitch dead! For real this time. Dead dead dead! Caw caw! Michael: Diane is not the source of your problems, asshole. Might I also advise against loud public death threats? Phyllis: I have a constitutional right to describe how I’d like to dismember Diane and bury different parts of her under various Genoa City landmarks. Lauren: Look - Phyllis: No, you look! I saw how Chelsea Lawson had everyone dancing to her tune after her mental health crisis. I’m going to get me some of that sweet action. I’m suffocating under your crazy quilt of tough love. Caw caw! Lauren: Godzilla has escaped. Tokyo is in danger. Michael: Ah, fuck me in the neck. @@@@@@@@ Sally: Nick, my lady brain hurts. I’m afraid something is wrong with the baby. Nick: You called the right guy. But, Sally, the baby isn’t in your head. Like where would it come out - your ear? LOL! Even I know that. Sally: Oh thank goodness for your support and guidance, Nick. I’ll call the doctor too. Nick: I’m here already. Did I mention I’ve moved my office down the hall? It’s next to the maintenance closet where I Windex my balls. Sally: I spoke to the doctor. Headaches are actually common. Could be caffeine withdrawals, allergies, eye strain… it could be the blood pressure thing too. Oh, what a panicky tart I am! Nick: Pardon me while I take a fatherly tone. Don’t feel bad. Always call me at the slightest worry so I can run right over and pee on your leg. And, I promise; I’ve given up asparagus. Sally: My hero. Nick: Now, let’s go through a long list of things that could cause headaches. The contents of your uterus are priority one and as the man in your life, it’s my duty to monitor the steps you take to preserve them. I’ll be staying on top of you. Sally: Um. Nick: LOL! On top of you taking care of the baby. I guess I’ll have to personally dispense your pre-natal vitamins from now on. @@@@@@ Mariah: I have big, life-changing news! Not big enough to show onscreen or to be mentioned offhand until today, but still pretty big! Sharon: The baby? Oh my god, is she here? Not here, with you. It’s perfectly normal that you aren’t introducing me to my granddaughter. Her birth in Offscreen, Oregon must have been stressful. Mariah: We’ve been so excited that it’s completely logical we just shut ourselves away from the world and declined to share our joy. Can you give me a few minutes to unload some parenting propaganda that would make Mother Goose regurgitate? Sharon: Of course! Oh hey, Adam. Can I get you anything? Adam: Nah, all this kiddie schmaltz has inspired me to go slam my dick in a car door at Sally’s. Congratulations! Sharon: So, have you picked out a name? Mariah: We’re working on it. Are you sure you want to discuss this? You didn’t get to name me, after all. Sharon: I got to name Noah and look at how that turned out. @@@@@@@ Diane: I feel a disturbance in the Phyllis. Jack: How much inane dialogue about wuv can a dull writer cram into a scene? I feel we’re on the cusp of finding out. Bang! Diane: Ahhhhhh! It’s Jeremy! Fireplace poker don’t fail me now! Jack: I’ll check it out. Oh, it’s a tree branch. Diane: Oh dear god, now that man is turning the forest against us! Jack: I think it just fell. Diane: We didn’t frame him for a big enough crime. Are you sure I can’t persuade you to commit a murder on my behalf? Jack: Pretty sure. I feel like we should do the opposite of attacking him. We need to ignore Jeremy Stark. Diane: Ignore him? Jack, the man left a paperback on our doorstep where anyone could have found it! Jack: To prove that I don’t always rely on common sense, how about I propose to you? @@@@@@@ Adam: Sally, it’s me! Sally: I’m answering the door in a furtive way as if I’m ashamed of something in my room. Adam: I just thought I’d drop by, see how you’re doing. Sally: Just because we’re having a kid doesn’t mean we need to interact. Everything is fine now. Adam: Now? And, uh, you called Nick? Nick: It was pretty funny actually. Sally thought babies came out of the ear canal. Like what kind of sex were you two having? Adam: Yeah, so, I was hoping I could go to the occasional doctor’s appointment and ultrasound. Sally: I’ll think about it after consulting with my keeper. Adam: Well, I’ll try not to drop in on you unexpectedly. I accept your decision to be with a sentient fart joke. We’ll talk later, I’m sure. Nick: Grrrr. Nick not like Adam. Nick want smash. Nick accept he not make baby. Nick says be careful. Sally: Adam can be dark, but I don’t think he’d pull shit on his own kid. What, precisely, should I be careful about? Nick: Him showing up all the time. Knocking on your door every time you turn around. Only socializing with you in this hotel room. Constantly smothering you with advice and acting like he owns you. Whoa. Did you even feel that? I feel… seen. @@@@@@ Michael: The Phyllis train has derailed. Lauren: It was carrying homicidal clowns, wasn’t it? In a Grape Popcorn hotel room Jeremy: You’re lucky to be alive. I found you face down in a urinal. Phyllis:…

I can’t believe they’re going to this contaminated well again. “Hey, if you thought Nick/Sally was skeevy, you ain’t seen nothing yet!” Why can’t the older Newman sibs stop sexually harassing their employees? Victoria exacted her vengeance mere minutes after Nate turned her down. Not a good look.

Nate: Content creation. Mash-ups. Algorithm. Let’s broaden people’s horizons. The Natelightenment is nigh! Audra: How are you going to translate all these buzzwords into practical ideas? Nate: By thinking outside the box and changing the paradigm. We’re going to do a deep dive into the visibility synergies until we circle back to the ballpark impact on reinventing the wheel. If we give 110% of our core competencies and cross pollinate the low-hanging fruit, a holistic return on investment will emerge. Victoria: Could I mount you like a racehorse? Audra: Thank god. Time for coffee. @@@@@@@ Tucker: I would love to bone, but I’m feeling… awkward about the power imbalance. Not emasculated, I’m not a wrinkled sack of toxic masculinity like Victor Newman, for crissakes. But… Ashley: Are you sure? I’m up for a game of tonsil hockey, but my calling the shots seems to be keeping you on the bench. Tucker: I’d love for you to be riding the pine instead. It’s just… I’m not sure if this is a test or not. Everything feels like a test. Like you’re the stern professor and I’m the post-grad with the smoldering, snarky sex appeal. Ashley: Victor and his mini-me summoned me to Newman and badgered me about buying up your debt. It was an amusing trifle. They’re willing to pay big bucks for your company though. Way more than it’s worth. Tucker: I do love money. However, I suspect this another test. The correct answer is still to sell to Devon. Ashley: You are becoming quite adept at resisting temptation. Tucker: Well, I have lived my life in a way that has made me incredibly wealthy but also alienated everyone I care about. I guess I needed to hit rock bottom and lose all my relationships to see that. Ashley: So you need to be abandoned or there’s no hope? Tucker: Hopelessness is my only hope. @@@@@@ Devon: You hired Amanda? If you went any lower, you could start a whale shit mine. Lily: She’s a good lawyer. Devon: She hates me. This is a personal attack. Lily: Sign contract. Honor contract. Simple enough for even you to understand. Devon: I want my dad’s company back. Lily: Dad isn’t just a name I throw around to score points. Nothing can bring Neil back. All that’s going to happen is we both lose money and time. Devon: So my wanting to protect his company is wrong, but you wanting to protect yours is cool. Lily: Why don’t you care about MY legacy? What about everything I built at Chancellor-Winters, which at best is actually quite minimal? Devon: Man, I’m glad Neil isn’t here to see what an asshole you’ve become. You got that Billy Abbott stank all over you. Lily: Dad would be proud of the asshole I’ve become. Don’t forget he kept a comatose woman in a boathouse. Devon: Admittedly I did sign a contract and I should honor it. But you suck the hind tit, so whatever. Lily: You still have your biological father. Mine joined a SWAT team somewhere. You have a young son. My kids have their own lives and I have to constantly worry they’ll turn into their father. All I have is my job. Devon: Tucker can’t fill Neil’s shoes. Lily: Neither can you. Boom! Ohhhh snap! Need some aloe, bro? Devon: You know why you’re alone? You’re a bitter mug of lukewarm hot dog water and malice. That’s why. Abby: Nope. @@@@@@@ Audra: Elena! Let’s talk! I wanted to tell you how a-mazing Nate is. He’s just a dream to work with; he’s nurturing yet exacting, creative yet full of empty platitudes. I’m learning so much! It’s like being at clown college. Elena: Yeah, that’s Nate. He’s a floor wax and a dessert topping. Audra: I suppose being a surgeon is like being a CEO, in that behaving like a prick is acceptable. And as close as Nate and I have become, it’s even more intense with him and Victoria. They were absolutely meant to be. Business partners. Elena: Well, they’ve been friends for a while. Audra: Their connection is just incredible. She just hustled me out of the office to crunch some numbers with him privately. Kinda weird, now that I think about it. She was licking her lips like a coyote in a butcher shop. Elena: How often do these private sessions go down? Audra: At least once a day. You know, I’ve had a blast making insinuations today. We should get together again soon. Elena: I’d rather get a pap smear from Edward Scissorhands. Bye! Tucker: My god, if they could only bottle that level of trolling. Audra: Do I amuse you? Tucker: Mildly. What’s the scoop on Lily’s and Devon’s spat? How messy is it? Audra: Ah. You’re going to offer McCall to your son. Tucker: Run that up Victoria’s and Nate’s self-important flagpole. @@@@@@ Victoria: Spreadsheets make my bloomers incredibly warm. Nate: Every cell has a 69 in it. Victoria: You know how temperamental Excel is. Nate: Let’s address the elephant in the room. Our little makeout sessions aren’t exactly appropriate. Victoria: Silly, Nate. Newman Enterprises operates in a dimension outside mortal laws and consideration for power dynamics. I won’t apologize for that. Nate: The thing is, Elena and I are in a good place right now. I prattle on about my career while she listens with gritted teeth. I feel validated and she now has TMJ syndrome. Victoria: But Elena doesn’t understand the real you, the power hungry, workaholic, energy vampire you. Nate: Victoria, you’re smart, powerful and intoxicating. You’re like a well made martini that tells me how fucking awesome I am. I admire you. I love Elena. Victoria: That’s nice. Audra: Newsflash! Tucker is going to sell McCall to Devon! Victoria: Just as my eldritch sire and I predicted. Ashley gobbled up his debt to force Tucker’s redemption. Nate: Power play by Jabot? Victoria: No, no. This is some noble family crap. It sickens me. Nate: Well, so much for that idea then. Victoria: Don’t be a wuss. Devon needs his cousin to explain what a disaster buying McCall would be AND then explain why Newman emptied the piggy bank for a so-called financial debacle. Nate: Um, I couldn’t convince Devon that water was wet. Plus, that kind of skullduggery was what put us at odds to begin with. Victoria: You’ll do what’s best for the business. Since you can’t abide by the company’s open leg policy, you owe us. Audra: If only we lived in a world where sexual harassment was a thing. Happy sabotaging! @@@@@@@ Devon: It sucks that I have to see the woman I cheated on because of this damn lawsuit. Abby: It really doesn’t suck for me anymore. The awkwardness with Chance is really mild now. Devon: … @@@@@@@ Lily: I got nothing. My parents are dead. Billy is undead. I’m all alone. Daniel: There are people who love and care about you. Just don’t ask me to name them. Lily: Can’t you make this lawsuit go away? Daniel: If I had the power to make things disappear, I’d start with my mom. What you need to ask yourself is this - is the lawsuit worth the agony? Lily: Yeah, no one in the whole history of forever has asked me that.

I missed Kyle trying to throw down with Stark? This is the kind of scene I dream of mocking. Did his bouffant bristle?

Tucker: Step into my parlor. Audra: Isn’t that the title of Phyllis’ autobiography? Pour me a drink. I have news. Tucker: I don’t really read Phyllis, but when I do, it’s for filth. Let’s hear the news first. Audra: Someone snatched your debt out from under Victoria. Tucker: Price is Right loser noise plays in background. Old news! You’ll need to do better than that to get in these pants. Audra: Could be an angel or someone wanting to control you. Which is it? Tucker: Definitely a dom. Audra: What will you do now? Tell me in exacting detail. Tucker: Lol no. Audra: But why? Tucker: You’re obviously spying for the two meatballs over at Newman. What’s it like going from playing chess with me to tic-tac-toe with Natey Nate Nate and Victoria? Audra: Let’s pretend I’m here to dig for information. Is that so bad? I can also funnel information to you. Tucker: Yeah, I’m just dying to know what color Keurig Nate puts in his office. Do drop me a line when Nicholas Newman stops using the bidet as a water fountain. Audra: What’s going with you? Are you in wuv? Tucker: Jealous? Audra: Maybe. Finding a man in Genoa City is like trying to order a filet mignon at McDonald’s. I’m not loving it. Tucker: Just remember. I taught you everything you know but NOT everything I know. Audra: Dink. Audra leaves Ashley: So, is it bothering you that you’re not in control? Tucker: A little. After four hours of bother, I called my doctor. Ashley: I’m going to give you a chance to do the right thing. Sell your company to Devon. Neil would have wanted it that way. @@@@@@ Ashley: Here I am in black and my daughter is wearing white. Is this some kind of heavy handed symbolism? Abby: Mom, someone left a mystery novel about a jewel heist on Diane’s doorstep. Shit is either directly on the nose or meaningless. Ashley: You look tired. Abby: How gracious of you to notice. I’m worried about Devon. Ashley: As a friend or as a sexual mistake? Abby: I don’t make mistakes. Why, Chance practically gave me permission to fuck the guy after he came back from Spain a total fun sponge. Anyways, he’s going to war with Lily and Jill. Ashley: Do tell. Abby: He wants his company back and he doesn’t want to do an IPO. He also might have let slip that Omega Sphere is the dumbest goddamned idea this side of Nick’s banana-flavored banana hammocks. Ashley: shudders Abby: He knows he could lose, but he feels very strongly about this. Speaking of Devon and sex, how are things with his biological father? Ashley: Complicated. And horny. Abby: You’re about to hit that, aren’t you? Ashley: He has good intentions. It’s just that his methods are underhanded and he gets so much pleasure from fucking with people. He follows his bliss. And I, uh, did a thing. A thing that might pressure Tucker into being less of a shitheel. Abby: Like what? Ashley: Don’t worry. It’ll be awesome. Bye! Devon: I ran into Nate and Lily. Abby: Really? I’m going to feign surprise even though Elena warned me that Nate was on a mission. Devon: He’s such a knob. It’s a wonder he doesn’t have a door hanging out his ass. Abby: Did you at least fix things with Lily? Devon: Oh sure. Nate and Lily and I sat down and hammered out a Treaty of Fucking Versailles. Abby: I hope it’s okay that I told my mother every sordid detail of your legal and family drama. I mean, it’ll have to be. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Devon: No problem. Just another sign we’re in a serious relationship. Abby: Must we name what we have? We live in a world of non-specific vagaries and I’d hate not to fit in. Besides, it’s time for me to dispense advice about your fam. Today’s topic: Tucker. Devon: Sigh @@@@@@@ Daniel: I feel very comfortable with you. It’s like old times. Lily: Agreed. I haven’t felt so… connected to someone since I escaped from Billy’s right nostril. Daniel: Did we just become make out buddies? Lily: Maybe? No. No, it’s not a good time. Daniel: Here’s a fun exercise. Let’s list all the reasons we should avoid each other. My mom and I play this game all the time. One day she might even get a turn. Lily: You go first. Daniel: I did something so unspeakable in Georgia that it can’t even be named, my daughter may never visit me again, which is a weird thing to say since we left on good terms, and I’m a grown ass man with a mother who frequently inserts herself into my life like a battery acid suppository. Lily: I’m not sure I can compete with all that, but… Hi, I’m Lily and I’m a recovering buttbiscuitaholic. I’m also entering into a lawsuit against my brother. Otherwise, I’m rich, successful, attractive and an orphan. Daniel: You don’t have to gloat. Crimson Lights Chelsea: Oh good. Daniel and whoever. I haven’t been able to get a word in edgewise with Billy around and I’ll explode if I don’t get in some narcissistic nattering. Lily: You’re like a remora that attaches itself to other ladies’ men. Chelsea: Thank you. I heard about your project, Daniel, and since Omega Sphere hasn’t yet reached peak stupid, I thought I could contribute. Daniel: What’s your concept? Chelsea: I went through a very dark time, where I mistakenly thought I was married to Rey Rosales. He died, and it affected me deeply. I didn’t think I’d ever see the light again. Lily: He was married to Sharon, as it turns out. Chelsea: Technically, I suppose so. Anyway, I ended up on a ledge with only a sprawling sinus cavity between myself and having to be pried off the parking lot with a giant spatula. Daniel: I’m so sorry. Chelsea: I was so hopeless. Fortunately, Lily’s boyfriend was there to enable me even though I’d drugged and raped him and conceived a child with him, a child I demanded a relationship with at my convenience. It was pretty great for moving in on Victoria’s home life and Johnny definitely rewarded me emotionally. Daniel: I still don’t know what I did to Heather and Lucy, but I feel oddly better about it. Lily: Are you ready for a project like this? I can only pay so many people to pursue worthless ideas before I reach the tax write off limit. Chelsea: My therapist says yes, and she’s clearly an excellent judge of character. @@@@@@ Victoria: I have, like, two years worth of double entendres gathering dust in the warehouse, so prepare yourself. Nate: Lay it on me. Literally or otherwise. How bad do you want it? Victoria: Are we talking about McCall or your executive stapler? Nate: Are we talking about my Swingline or my - Victoria: McCall has some great acts in their catalog. I’m not going to name them or even make some up, but I was thinking of the amazing things you could do with them. Nate: The possibilities are endless. And don’t worry - I’ve pimped out Audra again. Tucker will never see it coming. Nate the Great is in control. Victoria: I hope you’re right. I can’t stand knowing that someone else dunked on Tucker. Nate: Control is very important to you. Victoria: More important than money, even. Speaking of control, I’ve been meaning to learn to drive stick. Nate: Your chariot awaits. Makeout Session Audra: Am I interrupting anything? It reeks of douche pheromones in here. Nate: We were conversing about you and my exceedingly clever plan to have you spy on Tucker. Audra: It must have been a thrilling conversation since you’re both out of breath. I don’t do threesomes, by the way. Victoria: Learn anything? Audra: Maybe. @@@@@@@ That was some boring ass soap today.

Diane: My god, an envelope. Holy shit, it’s manila. Jack: Did I startle you? Diane: No. it’s this horrific paper product. @@@@@ Jeremy: Detective. Chance: Stark. I heard you were out. Jeremy: I’m sure you’ve noticed how all the evidence points to the real perpetrators of the jewel theft. Just like big ol’ neon arrows. Or Phyllis’ teeth. Chance: glare Jeremy: Just making idle conversation. Chance: You don’t even know my life. Jeremy: I’m not going to make trouble for anyone. I’m just here to enjoy the lovely insular atmosphere of your little city. The assumptions, the judgments, the threats, and especially the false arrest made for one hell of a welcome basket. Chance: You make any wrong moves and you’ll be forced against a dumpster by a fire banshee. @@@@@ Nate: Glad we could catch this quick breakfast before I go back to being a giant apple polishing drip and you do that late night medical shit. Elena: You’re going back to the office? Nate: I gotta meet with Lily for another satisfying bash Devon session. Elena: His ass is right across the hall. Nate: These kinds of things are better done all sneaky like. Elena: What do you even need to discuss? Nate: I think I caused the feud by pointing out what an authoritarian jackwagon Devon is. Maybe I can fix things if I keep mentioning it. Elena: So you think you have so much influence and importance that your tedious whiny ass titty baby bitching about Devon sparked this whole mess? Nate: I saw Christine at Devon’s and it was definitely not a social call. Elena: Keep your distance, fool. Nate: My mom would want me to try. Neil too. I’ll throw Katherine in there as well. Plus it’s my idea so it’s automatically awesome. @@@@@@ Heather: We’re leaving. Daniel: Hey, guys. How were Paul and Christine? Lucy: Pretty good. Granddad’s surgery was a partial success. He’s down to skin tight jorts. Heather: It’s back to school and work for us girls. Daniel: Y’all have such full, meaningful lives. Sigh. Heather: There’s a lot of manpain in this town. Has anyone checked the water? Fine. Your life is also full and meaningful and you’re building something amazing. Better now? I gotta call a car. Daniel: I really appreciated our talk yesterday, Lucy. We’ve come a long way since my unspecified, incredibly vague scumbag behavior. Lucy: Let’s not discuss this. It just makes the audience curious. @@@@@ Abby: Devon, can I interest you in more relentless badgering about your family? Devon: Nope. Can I interest you in my romantical feelings for you? Abby: Nope. Good talk. Time for a meeting. @@@@@ Chance: I’ve warned Jeremy and now I’m going to warn you two clowns. Diane: We’ve already had a run in with Stark. Jack: My god, man, that bastard left an envelope on our doorstep. An envelope! Diane: At first I thought it was for Harrison, because pre-schoolers often get packages. Chance: And you didn’t even call the cops? Even though it’s only been ten minutes since you found it? What the fuck, you two? Diane: It’s just one of Jeremy’s sick little games. He once sent me a stationery set from prison! Chance: Fuck my life and all who inhabit it. If Jeremy Stark threatens you or does something dangerous, call me. Don’t try to handle it yourself. Especially you, Jack. For god’s sake, you just got rolled by a fuck boi with a duck’s ass on his head. Jack/Diane: Yes, sir. Diane: But, um, he sent me a mystery novel. That’s pretty psychotic. Chance: Wait until you hear about the GC library. Chance leaves Jack: Boy, I thought dad was going to ground us both. Diane: I’m not going to let you take on Jeremy again. Chance is this close to slapping handcuffs on us and - hmmmm. Chance. Cuffs. Yeah. Jack: I know how we can beat Stark at his own game. We’ll leave! Ha ha! @@@@@@ Elena: Nate’s about to fuck up royally. Abby: I just hate all this family strife, especially since I grew up in a warm, loving, perfectly functional family. Elena: I feel we should do something, but first Nate’s ego needs to be contained before it swallows us all. Abby: I could bring Uncle Billy. The pull from his nostrils should counteract the gas giant that is Nate’s self regard. @@@@@ Nate: I didn’t think you’d come. How are the kids? Lily: Eat dirt and die, trash. Nate: Okay, okay. I’m not here for small talk. This is about me heroically fixing the family by tattling that Christine was visiting Devon. Christine’s a lawyer. Lily: No shit. Nate: I just thought if you guys could maybe avoid a lawsuit… Lily: I thought you could avoid butting in where you don’t belong, but here we are. Devon: Well, isn’t this cozy and shit? Lily: Ah hah! Nate lured you here to play mediator between us! Then he can swan about having ascended to a higher state of Natelightenment. Devon: The fuck? Why would I meet this backstabbing empty suit after the way he betrayed us? Lily: Oh, you think you’re better than Nate? You also betrayed me by not giving me everything I want. Neil would have wanted that. Devon: I don’t consider you a good judge of what Neil would have wanted after you told me he’d bless your relationship with Billy Abbott. Dad always said that the broader the nostril, the smaller the -. Nate: I gotta step in here - Devon/Lily: Step off! Nate: That went well. @@@@@@ Phyllis: Daniel, I know how it feels when a child crushes your spirit, snorts the powdered remnants of your soul and defecates it into some anonymous toilet. I’m saying that’s what you and your rotten sister have done to me without being too direct. Daniel: Maybe if you’d kept your ass out of Portugal, things would be different. Phyllis: But isn’t it great that Lucy and Heather got to see, in person, that you’re living your best life? C’mon. Just admit my bad parenting is good parenting so I can move onto my next disaster. Daniel: Here’s some news you can use - not everything is about you. Phyllis: I know that. I’m relating to you parent to parent. I’m empathizing. I understand the - Daniel: You got more fucking I’s than a spider. Smell ya later. Jeremy: Well, now, that’s a shame. Phyllis: I don’t want your pity. I only dabble in the finest artisanal sympathy, squeezed fresh from those who know me. Jeremy: You can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. I’ve got something better: a foolproof plan to ruin Diane Jenkins without any mud getting thrown back at you. You’ll get plenty of pity, even from your son. Phyllis: You talk like I’m at my breaking point. I haven’t even rented a car under a false name with untraceable cash, mailed Rexx Ruggs coupons to Diane, broken into the Abbott mansion and hosed down the living room with neon green paintballs. I’m practically zen.

I know I’ve pretty much hated the character of Nicholas Newman from jump. I propose testing this hypothesis.

It’s mentioned in the Geneva Conventions for a reason. #themoreyouknow

Summer: What’s all this? Kyle: I was hoping you’d join me for lunch. Summer: See my face? Why don’t you eat shit? Kyle: Take this rose. I found it in the doghouse. Summer: Nice bribe, but I have meetings. Kyle: What if I sensually describe a lame ass meal to you? Summer: Sure, I told you that I needed time and that our fight wasn’t some trivial thing. However, you’re clearly going to keep badgering me and trying on new apologies like underwear, so, whatever. Kyle: Hey, I’ll be apologizing more than once per week. Oh, a text from Victor. He’s got news. Summer: This shit again? If you let him in, he won’t leave until he drinks every ounce of your blood. Kyle: What a drama queen. You make him sound like a vampire. Summer: He can only travel if he’s carrying the soil of his homeland in his pocket. Kyle: Watch me perform ‘Smug assclown peacocking over the crap I pulled’. Bet you didn’t know that someone could gloat AND express remorse at the same time. Summer: What’s the big news? He’s got another job for you? Kyle: Nah, I just hit the dickhead jackpot again. Boom! Got them textile factories for Marchetti. Adam’s still gone. My bouffant was found by NASA to have a slight effect on earth’s gravity. If you could get over yourself, this would be the best day ever. Summer: Gosh, how can I stay mad at such a delightfully insincere, smirking sack of entitlement? @@@@@@@@ Nick: Just laying around, not being creepy at all. Sally: I’m so happy you’re here to help me cope with the greatest tragedy that has ever befallen a woman. Nick: I was in the neighborhood. Walgreen’s was having a special on bag balm. Sally: Adam was all ‘let’s get back together’ and ‘let’s be a family.’ It was chilling, like being in a room with a serial killer. Nick: Huh? Sorry, I’m already halfway gone. Also, you don’t smell that, right? Sally: Enough about me and my silly problems. How do you feel? That’s what matters in this whole crazy situation. Let’s get that manpain out in the open and just wallow in it. Nick: No, no. Aw shucks. I’m just a nice, sensitive guy who will heroically put my feelings aside and be supremely humble about it. Sally: You’re amazing. Remarkable. Wonderful. I am not worthy of your love. Nick: Do you also feel like someone is glaring death rays at you? And they’re like far away but able to broadcast fiery psychic waves that leave a rash on your ass? Sally: Nick, please. Let me validate your precious feelings. Nick: I’m devastated. Here, let me stand next to this window and cast my steely gaze over this damn dirty city. You say you don’t need my testosterone fueled protection, but Adam is like the Joker, okay? I’m Batman. You be Catwoman. @@@@@@ Adam: Ah, Chelsea. Taking your buttbiscuit for a walk? God, my life sucks. Chelsea: You want to talk? Or chirp? I am sooo chirpy today. Adam: It’s like having a fucking parakeet on my shoulder. But, hey, you’re here and if you dust Billy, it’ll cheer me up a little. Let’s walk. Chelsea: Here we are, at the brick wall of cliches. What’s up? Adam: I knocked up Sally, but she’s still hot for the Flintstones cosplay. Chelsea: At least she didn’t lie, like I did with Connor. Adam: My brother is a real, authentic, gold-plated, weapons grade, five star entitled piece of shit wrapped in a dumpster fire. The best part of him ran down my father’s mummified leg. He takes and takes and takes. He took Christian. Uh, has anyone seen him lately? Chelsea: You did the right thing at the time. And you might have to accept that Sally has been replaced with a Stepford cavewoman. Adam: I can’t. For crissakes, Sally is degrading herself for an ape who eats the butt off animal crackers and puts them back in the box. Chelsea: Behave, Adam. As my therapist always says, Miss Lawson, you are cracked like a sidewalk. @@@@@@@ Billy: Jack, here’s some cocoa I’mma pretend is for you. If I’m not a dick 24/7, I get nervous. Jack: Me too. You wouldn’t believe how much work I have to do. Like, I am desperate. Contrary to my numbnut son’s belief, Adam actually did stuff. I gotta put out a bunch of fires and here you are with twin water tanks. Billy: Do you even remember the Jaboat? The gambling? Me banging your wife and rubbing your face in it? Jack: Yeah, but I have too many projects going. Let’s pretend you’re a completely different person and ride this crazy train to hell. Billy: Responsibility? Not my jam. Speaking of which, can I sponge a meal off you? Restaurant Jack: Let’s catch up. I didn’t actually run Jeremy out of town, my son is a lying hat fucker and my romance with Diane is about as popular as chlamydia. How are you doing? Billy: First, let me lean back in my chair so you can look upon my nostrils and despair. The truth is, I have feelings for someone and I’m not sure if I should proceed. Jack: For her sake, probably not. Billy: It’s Chelsea. And it’s really complicated. She raped me, I stopped her from jumping off a balcony, she’s a Capricorn, I’m a Cancer… Jack: Truer words. Look, uh, take it slow. And think about coming back to Jabot before I recover my good judgment. @@@@@@ Sally: Well, I had sex with him again. I suppose I should look wistfully at his hairy knee. Is it too soon to get my hand sutured to my abdominal area? I gotta rub it all the time to remind people I’m now a womb on legs. Sure wish he’d stop leaving string cheese wrappers in the bed. I wonder if he’s dreaming about me. Nick: Bananas. Zzzzz. Ba-na-na. Cheese. Why did my dick smell like salami yesterday? Christian, did you change my oil yet? Oh god, I’m having the racoon and toilet brush dream again. Nooooooo! Adam: Am I crazy? What does Sally see in him? She always looks like she’s starting to feel the effects of eating raw chicken when she’s with Nick. Is it just me who sees this?

One of the worst songs in the whole history of forever, I’d rather take a tour of Billy’s left nostril than ever hear it again.

All my work hours are squashed into two days and one night, so I miss Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Sounds like I missed a delightful dream sequence/delaying tactic. If only last week’s preview of Billy returning to the family jabusiness was also a nightmare, perhaps caused by Jack eating ice cream before bed or licking toads. Whatever.

I’m getting the impression that Tucker has mad bedroom skillz.

I hope you feel better, gingerella! What’s sad is that Nate is more believable at the executive table than dumbass Nick. I can buy Banana Butt running a dive bar or being the head of beer pong at a fraternity house. I can’t take him seriously in a suit meeting with big shots or perusing spreadsheets.

Sally: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Jill said she’d think about which Newman male she wants to piss off the least. Chloe: She didn’t tell us to go fuck ourselves. Let’s celebrate! Sally: I’d like to, but I’m now completely consumed with this whole baby thing. Like what will the dad think? What will the dad’s family think? Chloe: What about… what you think? Sally: Lol. Are you new to this show? Chloe: Right? Babies are awesome. Babies are the best! @@@@@@ Daniel: Thanks for the bracelet. I could never forget you, especially after what your ratched ass grandma did to bring us together. Lucy: Yeah, cool. Daniel: Here’s some “you’re my light in the darkness” glurge that could gag a maggot. These writers can really beat a theme to death. Lucy: Gross. Heather: It’s me, Lady Killjoy. Daniel, you gotta ease up on the cornball drivel before Lucy hops a tramp steamer to the moon. Daniel: i’m trying. It’s just that these things come out of my mouth almost against my will. Lucy: I’m back with my phone and a cute sweater! I can’t wait to see if Granddad’s pants-ectomy was a success! Heather: He’s been counting the minutes. And the scraps of denim pulled out of his thighs. @@@@@@ Abby: Oh, Christine. I have a child that conveniently needs tending. Sorry I hit you with a fly swatter when you came in. Devon: We gonna sue some motherfuckers or what? Christine: Maybe. Let me raise all the concerns and questions everyone you’ve discussed this topic with has already covered. Devon: This isn’t your husband’s pants. Let’s just rip the bandaid off. @@@@@@@ Victoria: Wheeee! We’re getting McCall Unlimited! Nate: The hell? Nick: My expression should be ‘serious businessman’. Tell me what you see, guys. Victoria: I see a loaf of banana bread you’re just dying to pinch off in the executive washroom. Nate? Nate: Could be his new dress pants have been sucked into a rectal vortex. Look, Victoria and I tried to pimp Audra out and she straight up told Tucker our plan. Nick: Classy. Victoria: She wanted to gauge his reaction. All of a sudden, Tucker shows up at the restaurant, clam jams me with Nate and offers his company up on a silver platter. Sounds on the level to me. @@@@@@ Adam: Can I have Vic’s job? Victor: I admire the way you made me crap my pants with your demand. And I want to make you feel valued, just not as valued as Victoria. Adam: Pound sand, old man. @@@@@@ Tucker: I have put my company up for sale. That’s quite a panty dropping bit of news isn’t it? Ashley: Whooop dee do. You couldn’t afford to pay attention. Tucker: Goddamn it, woman. Does my grand gesture mean nothing to you? Ashley: I like watching you squirm. And writhe. Tucker: Well, I like watching you watch me squirm. Holy shit! Someone bought up my debt. Ashley: Fascinating. @@@@@@@@ Daniel: I really need a friendly shoulder. Lily: I really need to get some motivational cliches off my chest. Daniel: I’m feeling meh about this whole Omega Sphere thing. It just takes so much… energy and ambition and shit. Let’s back burner it while I wallow in my vague, self-created misery. Lily: Oh god. It’s Buttbiscuit II: The Douchebag Strikes Back. @@@@@@@ Nick: I still can’t get that big shot executive look down, babe. But! I didn’t catch my lemonade spout in the zipper today, so I consider it a win. Sally: Oh, it’s you. How wonderful. What a delight. Nick: I cracked a rat in the meeting today. Fortunately for me, it died silently. Sally: I’m worried about the paternity test. Nick: We’ll make it work no matter what. Adam’s kids are easy to raise. Trust me. Just keep a few sacks of animal crackers in the garage. Adam: Hello, you two. I can’t decide whether you emit a sibling thing or more of a father-daughter vibe. Nick: I’m rubber and you’re glue, what bounces off me sticks to you. Sally: We were just leaving. Bye. Nick: This is my ‘don’t mess with me’ face. Adam: No, no it isn’t. See you soon, Sally. @@@@@@ Christine: I can find my way out. The door is like three feet away. Devon: I hate that it’s come to this. Abby: You know, I don’t feel you’ve heard the concerns about your family harmony enough. Devon: I’d like Dom to work at my company someday. Business is the only possible field to get into around here, so it’s important to secure a position for him early. Abby: I run a restaurant. Devon: That’s like being Queen Shit of Turd Mountain in Genoa City. Elevators Nate: Well, Christine, how nice to see you. I assume you just came from my cousin’s condo. Christine: Geez, no wonder they think so highly of your instincts at Newman. Again, the door is three feet from me. Nate: Business call? Friendly visit? Christine: Devon introduced me to his new associate, Nunya. Nunya Business. @@@@@@ Daniel: Here I am, in a park the size of a phone booth. Am I old enough to know what a phone booth is? I somberly touch the symbol of my daughter’s and my fragile relationship, the blue bracelet. I ponder how to extricate myself from this Omega Sphere nonsense without alienating Lily and disappointing Lucy. I’m such a choad. Am I baking myself into a buttbiscuit? I have to get home and check the circumference of my nostrils. Meanwhile… Lily: Amanda? Let us embark on a scorched earth campaign of vengeance against Devon. It’ll be fun. @@@@@@@ Sally: Thanks for rescuing me from that dastardly villain, Nick. I just can’t have him near me. My heart starts racing, my knees go weak, and I get all flushed. Nick: Haha. That reminds me. Good luck to my dad flushing his office throne today. He’ll need a plunger the size of a patio umbrella. Sally: Well, they have food here, so it’s all good. Nick: What does the baby want? I find treating a fetus like it has more agency than the mother is a pretty charming move. Sally: OH MY GOD THE PATERNITY TEST RESULTS ARE IN. That was kind of public and loud. @@@@@@ Tucker: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? Ashley: A little. A lot. Whatever. Tucker: The Newmans are a known quantity. But this mystery buyer… I hate not having any information. Who knows what the hell this person is after. Ashley: It was me. I own you. And I am not going to make it easy for you. Tucker: No, you’ve made it very, very hard. @@@@@@ Victor: Tucker is reacting very erratically to knowing we’re after his debt. Offering to sell when you’re leveraged out your ass is clearly a diabolical, insane move. Trying to get money when you need money makes NO sense. Victoria: You’re right. Let’s buy that debt immediately before he pulls another rabbit out of his hat. Oh no. You’re not going to believe this. Victor: I had a rabbit once. It was named Bunnicula. Victoria: Somebody else bought out McCall! I smell a rat. Victor: Sorry. I had beans for lunch.

You ain’t lying. When you need an HVAC team to show up once a month just to blow your nose, that shit adds up. Yes! When Nick wins, we all lose. Just kidding. About it being bad that you want a certain outcome. I get it. Sally acts like Nick walks on water(albeit with all the joy and lightness of a pallbearer) while treating Adam like he’s a venomous sake. It’s hard to watch. I want Nick to lose because I am sick unto vomiting of his I’m a Dad! bullshit and very much uninterested in watching him beat his chest over his supposed virility. Now, a confession: I may have taken liberties with Lucy’s and Daniel’s conversation in my recap. I deployed a device called wishful thinking. As far as I know, Daniel never tried to smother Phyllis in Georgia. But he should have.

I loved the look on Victor’s face when Adam asked for Victoria’s job. The Newman smug gets real old, real fast. It would be amazing if Adam bought Tucker’s company, but I don’t know if interesting writing is in this show’s wheelhouse. Phyllis is going to start sleeping and scheming with Jeremy and blame it on everyone quite rightly rejecting her. Maybe she and Jack are destined to be together because they keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again - Phyllis due to narcissism and Jack due to his eternal naïveté. Sure, hire Buttbiscuit back. He’ll be banging Diane in no time and spending company cabbage on a fleet of jaboats. The only fleet Billy needs is the enema kind. Kyle gave me some mild secondhand embarrassment trying to verbally joust with Adam. You could just feel how close he was to spitting out “I know you are but what am I?” And the fool is clearly not even remotely sorry; he’s barely sorry he got caught. Jack made another goof letting his first goof off the hook. Daniel and Lucy and Heather remind me of Elena in that they’re very authentic and grounded in real, relatable feelings. Even though we haven’t seen them together in years, Heather and Daniel come across to me as a couple with history who have been through a lot. It seems like Heather did a fine job raising Lucy while Daniel was engaged in [redacted] douchebaggery. Minimal exposure to Nana the Narcissist probably helped. I know Daniel is old enough to be Lucy’s father and he’s got some silvery scruff, but he just strikes me as younger.

Daniel: Teens and their phones, amirite? Heather: I’m trying to be sensitive to what she’s been through, but it’s disrespectful to ignore your parents. Daniel: It’s also a coping mechanism. Trust me. Phyllis: Wow, my ears were totally burning! Heather: … Could you not lean toward me like a hungry vampire? Daniel: Mom, read a room. You already got your dysfunctional stank all over my family. Phyllis: Well, I never! I will now flounce away and wallow in my victimhood. And it’s fine if Lucy calls me Phyllis. I mean, in Portugal, people thought she was my sister. Lucy: I’m uploading this cray to TikTok! @@@@@@@ Summer: Well, well, well. Diane, you’re certainly slutting it up here. Jack: Manners much? Summer: I apologize. I’m just angry at the charmless duck dick you two produced. Diane: No worries. He is a frequent disappointment, but he means well. Jack: I’m getting sex on the regular, so I’m kind of leaning toward throwing up my hands and enabling his bullshit behavior. @@@@@@@ Kyle: Did you know I’m a sore winner? Adam: I know Summer caught you fucking a fedora last Bastille Day. You couldn’t even be arsed to find a beret? Kyle: We mail personal belongings to fired employees. Adam: I’m sure you do. Let me give you some advice. Don’t team up with my dad. He might tell you it’s for something noble, like rescuing kittens. Six months later you’re being indicted for smuggling penis pumps. Kyle: Yeah, well, I’m not you. Wait - did you say penis pumps? Like Swedish ones? Adam: You certainly aren’t me. The air isn’t thinner at the top of my hair. I’ll just get my things and continue provoking you by being the bigger, better man. Summer: Adam, you monster. Adam: I’m leaving, but I wanted to tell you that your husband is a wonderful fellow who cares about his family. I am not trolling. Or am I? Kyle: Hah! The guy I fucked over forgives me, so I guess I’m entitled to your absolution as well. Summer: You’re so full of shit you could poop Mt. Everest on the spot. Kyle: I keep apologizing in my most petulant tone AND you kinda made me lie because I knew you’d just argue with me. What more do I have to do? Summer: Everyone else is completely indifferent to your garbage, so if I guess I’ll just go with the flow. Kyle: Watch out, Uncle Billy. There’s a new buttbiscuit in the family. Summer: Is ‘buttbiscuit’ slang for boring in bed? @@@@@@@ Jeremy: Here I am, Victor, reporting for the traditional Welcome to Genoa City threat experience. Victor: The slimeball who stole my wife’s necklace. Just because we hate the same people doesn’t make us friends. Jeremy: Darn. Not many people can say they’re best buds with an unwrapped mummy. Victor: Make a pawn of my family members and I’ll come after you once the Metamucil kicks in. @@@@@@@ Phyllis: Jack and Diane! What a treat. Diane: I’m now lady of the manor. You are the unemployed trash countess of Genoa City. Phyllis: I see how it is, how it is. Caw caw! Diane can gloat about your relationship but when I did it to her, it was unforgivable. Jack: Yeah, it wasn’t like you could have been with me but chose to bed a red assed baboon instead. And you definitely did not waste time jaboating with jabuttbiscuit or anything. My heart just jableeds. Jeremy: Planning another amateur heist to clumsily set somebody up? Jack: What do you want, Stark? Jeremy: Money? Revenge? Phyllis? I’ll stick around a while and maybe you’ll find out. Congratulations, Diane. You’ve burned me twice now. Let that be a lesson to you, Jack. Diane: What a nightmare. First Phyllis and then someone not repulsed by Phyllis. Jack: We’ll run him out of town. He’s right not to underestimate you. And with my help, we can ineptly give ourselves a wedgie. Outside Jeremy: Enjoy the show, Phyllis? I see myself in you, and yes, I mean that in every possible way. Phyllis: You’re deranged. Deranged. Caw caw! @@@@@@@ Adam: You are an absolute piece of shit. Still, you got your way. Victor: Who? Me? Adam: Kyle confessed. Victor: You just went to Jabot to piss me off! It’s all about me! Jabot is dumb and gross and stupid. Selling soap is for big, dumb dummies. A bright boy like you should be kowtowing to a domineering tyrant instead of selling eye shadow for a wimp! Adam: Yeah, because no one on planet Earth buys soap or uses cosmetics. Good call. Breaking news; not everything is about you. Victor: You have so much potential. I said that to Nick once, but I mean it this time. Adam: And, of course, you’re the only one who can maximize my talents. Victor: Yougotthat? Adam: Despite your loathsome, abusive parenting, bullshit compliments and extraordinary narcissism, I’ll come work at Newman. On one condition. Victor: I won’t sleep upside down in your office closet. Adam: Give me Vic’s job. Ah, your expression tells me you’ve made a deposit in the First National Bank of Underpants. @@@@@@@ Daniel: Let’s make more vague allusions to my dickhead ways. Lucy: Whatever. Daniel: I’m sorry. I’d be more specific, but… Lucy: I saw you, Dad. At the facility in Georgia. You were standing over Phyliss’ bed with a pillow in your hand. Did you ever stop to think about how that made me feel? Daniel: To be honest, no. I was being selfish and only thinking about the sweet, sweet relief that pillow could bring. Lucy: You put the pillow back. I miss the dad who would have given Phyllis a high thread count facial. Daniel: I just fired her ass. I’m getting there.

The red skirted Arctic wraith surveys her environment for potential mates. Spotting the Self Important Booby, she guides him to a comfortable patch of grass and begins the timeless mating dance of her kind. Awkward questions and a musk of desperation are highlights of this ritual. The intricacies of the interplay between wraith and booby are fascinating. Excessive praise, subtle creation of divisions between the booby and his current mate and repetitive reflections on past collaborations dazzle the eye. The booby may return to his own nest after this flurry of activity, where his mate will soon detect the interloper wraith’s scent. Flush with success, the red skirted Arctic wraith is easy prey for the devious Neck Turtle, who may approach with deceptively grand offerings . @@@@@@@@@ Ashley: I came here to get away from the sickening Diane and Jack lovefest. I also kind of enjoy when you try to talk your way into my pants and I can reject you. Tucker: I enjoy it too. You know, I just want to… strip it all down and start fresh. Ashley: I’m having hot flashes in weird places. Bye @@@@@@@@ Phyllis: I know that look, Jeremy Stark. You want revenge. Jeremy: You don’t seem to be afraid of me. Could it be that this panic among the hoi polloi and Genoa City treating me like I’m history’s greatest monster was all the invention of a bunch of catty bitches? Phyllis: You’re all bark and no bite. Jeremy: I can nibble. You’re at your breaking point, I can tell. You’re practically vibrating with crazy and, to be honest, I’m kind of into that. Tucker: I’mma just cruise through and taunt viewers with the possibility of slumming with Phyllis. Her milkshake brings all the guys to the yard, mostly because it’s brimming with bath salts. Phyllis: I’m not like with with this icky criminal. He just sat down. Tucker: Lol, whatevs. The dumpsters are on the west side of the building. Phyllis: Excuse me, but I am much too classy to be seen with the likes of you. Jeremy: We both loathe Diane. Maybe we could help each other. Phyllis: People regret getting involved with you. And that’s not just a trite phrase under my yearbook photo. Jeremy: Not everyone. Not people like you. Phyllis: What in the hell is that supposed to mean? Jeremy: I googled ‘copperhead’ one day. I was looking for snakes but got your Wikipedia entry instead. @@@@@@@@ Allie: Chemistry! Science rules! Ashley: Yeah, chemistry. Putting two elements together and just waiting for them to… explode. Allie: Are we talking about the lab? Ashley: Of course. And your hard work will help Jabot dominate the market. Dominate. Dominance. BRB, I need to hit the farm store and buy a riding crop. @@@@@@@@@ Heather: Yeah, you’re dumped. Daniel: But what if I mansplain your own feelings to you? Heather: There’s someone else. Daniel: What if I mansplain your feelings for him to you? Heather: Let’s both move on. I mean, Lily is going to be tapping that soon anyway. Daniel: Can you at least tell our daughter I’m not a total fuck-up anymore? Heather: Tell her yourself. She’s here and almost looks the same age as you. Daniel: Lucy, I’m sorry about about my vaguely described shite behavior in Georgia. Grandma Phyllis was in a coma but still worked my last nerve. Lucy: You were a dick in ways I can’t be specific about. Daniel: Remember how we used to play that one untitled video game with the totally unique story of light battling darkness? Lucy: How could I forget? You’d always start sobbing about how the X-box reminded you of the time Grandma had an affair with the dude who was hunting you for vengeance. Daniel: Well, I was inspired to create a derivative game about a Princess Louise. Here’s what she looks like. Lucy: It’s me. Daniel: You’re my princess. Lucy: Dad, lots of girls don’t actually want to play princess games. We want to blow up zombies and kick ninjas in the nuts. Daniel: In Genoa City, that’s what they call crazy talk.

The person with enough common sense to not associate with Phyllis probably has the kind of sound judgment needed to raise a teenager. Sorry, Daniel.

Ah, that still hits the spot. I hate that I had to miss the most magical day of the soap year due to work. I gotta ask if I can make my own hours like the Genoa City professionals.

Victoria: I passed some peasants building tumbrils on my way to work this morning. We need to get this rich person pissing contest on the road. Victor: Agree. I must now sustain myself on Tucker McCall’s tears since the virgin blood shortage started. Victoria: I worry that Devon will bail him out. Their relationship is rocky, but not sick and depraved like our family. Victor: Devon is a weenie. I could take his lunch money anytime I wanted. Victoria: Snapping up corporate debt is such a relatable topic. Have we thought about Newman getting into crypto or subprime mortgages? Victor: I am now going to ask about your family as s flimsy pretense for discussing Adam. He’s still out there, free. Victoria: For the love of - Dad, he’s just not that into you. We don’t have a position for him since we let Nick open his Fischer Price My First Big Boy Executive play set . Victor: Why do you think I’m using you to do all my dirty work to steal McCall’s company? So I can hand it to Adam on a silver platter with a pretty little bow on top. ‘K? Victoria: Do I get to boss him? Victor: We can worry about that later. You just enjoy that little sliver of self-doubt and uncertainty I stuck in your psyche. Victoria: Speaking of slivers, I could use a wooden one. @@@@@@@ Tucker: I feel the need for sleaze. I’m here to leer. Care for a double entendre? Are you buying any of this? Audra: Not even at a discount. Tucker: Fair. Game recognizes game, tho, so what are we really doing here? Audra: Newman Enterprises wants to fuck you way more than I do. Tucker: Lol, they’re so messy. Victor’s a decrepit lich and Victoria has freon in her veins. Nicholas is a sentient fart in a mitten. Audra: So… what are you going to do about it? Tucker: That’s for me to know and you to find out. In bed. Audra: I gotta go humor Nate by being patient with his limited understanding of business strategies. Byeee. @@@@@@@@@ Kyle: There you are. Summer: Hat fucker. Kyle: What did I do? The whole Victor thing is complicated. Summer: Yeah, you already ran that line on Jack, bish. Next. Kyle: Wow, you sound just like - Summer: I will pull your thong over you head and down past your eyebrows. Kyle: I’m sorry. I thought since I was rewarded by getting everything I wanted, we were cool. You can see why I had to be deceitful; I mean, this kind of high level subterfuge required my mad maneuvering skillz. Summer: You lied to me. You lied to Jack. And when you had the opportunity to come clean, you kept lying. Remember promising each other there’d be no more secrets? Kyle: That was strictly about my mom. Boom! Got you on a technicality, sweet cheeks. Those Perry Mason re-runs are really paying off. Summer: You know who you sound like? Kyle: Whoa whoa whoa. Comparing someone to their mother is completely unacceptable. Look, Jabot is fine, Adam’s gone, and my bouffant has never been higher. Let’s go home. I’ll make it up to you, even though it’s clear I regret nothing. Summer: Let me give you some words of wisdom from my dad. You’re never truly alone when you have a free hand and a stick of butter. @@@@@@@ Ashley: Honey, I’m home! Diane: Guess what, chicken butt? Ashley: Oh hell no. Jack: That’s right, sis. I’m wearing my clown shoes of love and will bigfoot any concerns. I declare Diane redeemed, effective immediately. Can’t you just let me enjoy my blissful ignorance? Ashley: I love you, but I’m not just worried about the past. What about future surprises, hint hint? Jack: Watch how gracefully I sidestep that anvil and tell you to eat shit. Ashley: I’m embarrassed for you. Jack: I have not yet begun to schmoopy! I’ll buy your share of the house. You still have that rental cottage on the shores of Victor’s anal fissure, don’t you? Ashley: You’re not the only one in this family who can make dumb romantic decisions! I’m outta here! Diane: So, that Kyle. Did you have to put him over your knee? Jack: I thought about leaving him on Victor’s doorstep as a punishment for both of them. At least Adam was honest with me. That’s refreshing. Diane: Not to take Kyle’s side but to totally take his side, I’m sure Kyle was a devious, underhanded duck dick for all the right reasons. Jack: Sometimes I feel like there’s someone behind the scenes, scripting my life. That person is allergic to drama.