NinjaPenguins

I believe Nick said on Monday’s show that Cameron went to jail for assaulting Sharon, got out, found a lookalike, beat her up, went to prison again and is now free. I could certainly be wrong, as when Nick talks, I usually just hear a sound not unlike the teacher from Charlie Brown.

And they only brought a cat onto the canvas to be murdered.There was no other purpose, like adding some color to a character or getting stuck in a tree to force Chance to shirtlessly rescue him. Clunky, obvious plot device was exactly what everyone knew it was. Vile disgusting plot twist + cheap hackery = JG. Phyllis’ bullshit must be contagious; her kids have caught it and now Lily might be infected. Kyle must have been inoculated somehow.

Guys, as a fancier of cats I don’t know if I can turn this bullshit on again, let alone recap it. My cat sits on me while I watch, for crissakes. And then to put on a stupid disclaimer, as if we were all a bunch of numpties; well that just takes the cake. I notice they don’t put disclaimers on for rapes and murders to assure us that actual people were not hurt. I think we can figure it out, Josh, you arrogant fuckstick. Talk about holding viewers in contempt. I don’t give two Swiss dicks that Diane framed Phyllis lo these many years ago. Yes, it was wrong. It doesn’t mean Phyllis gets to do whatever the fuck she wants to Diane in perpetuity. I mean, if it works that way, Christine gets to hit the accelerator every time she sees Phyllis crossing the road in front of her. Diane being a schemer and liar doesn’t make Phyllis less of a horror. Bluetooth still doesn’t seem to grasp why Christine might hold a grudge or the legal jeopardy she’s placed her children in. Either that or she just doesn’t give a fuck. Fuck the head writer and fuck the character of Phyllis Summers.

Nick: We gotta lock all the doors, board up the windows, pull the curtains - Sharon: Nick. Nick: Machine gun turrets, an electric fence, oh my god, what about a panic room? You’re installing a panic room yesterday. I’ve got a line on a junk punching alpaca we can station at the front door. Sharon: OMG NICK CALM YOUR TITS! Nick: instinctively claps his hands over his nips. Tits calming, returning to default status. Sharon: Let’s not panic Faith. And let’s not handle Cameron the way we did last time. Nick: Can I at least make tea in a manly fashion? Sharon: As much as you do anything in a manly fashion. @@@@@@@@@@ Cameron: Stalking cap, check. Rape kit, cheek. Skeevy facial hair, check check check. @@@@@@@ Tucker: I’m really good at sex. Ashley: That’s true. It’s hard to enjoy the echoes of orgasms past with Diane Jenkins running amok. Tucker: Diane Jenkins, Diane Jenkins! I’m so fucking tired of hearing about Diane Jenkins! For crissakes, you called her name out in bed. Ashley: I’m laser focused on saving my family and the company. Tucker: Let’s go on a vacation. Time away might cure your Diane stress. Ashley: I can’t go on vacation when there’s a family that needs saving from Diane Jenkins. @@@@@@@ Kyle: What the actual fuck is Phyllis doing here? Summer: You followed me? But I’m Supergirl! Daniel: You’re the Avenging Asshole. Kyle: Well, fuckface? What the fuck is all this? Phyllis: You’re shocked. Kyle: No shirt, Shitlock. Well, I guess we’ll drive to the police station now. Daniel: Ohhhh snap, Mom. Summer: Daniel, wait in the hall and karate chop anyone who approaches. Also, you’re an uptight pantywaist who will tell Kyle when he’s being manipulated and we can’t have that. Daniel: Whatever. @@@@@@@@ Nick: How’s our girl? Sharon: She fell asleep with her kitteh. I hope the repeated references to the cat aren’t an omen of something dark and twisted that has no place in a soap opera. Nick: I will punch any person who hurts a fictional animal square in the dick. Sharon: I’ve always felt you weren’t a complete waste. Nick: Right? Sharon: Why don’t we bring Nikki and Victor in on this? They could use their fuck you money and high and mighty attitude for good. Nick: Ehhhhh. You bring them in, we lose control of the situation. I want to be the one who thumps Cameron. Sharon: Does it matter who thumps him? Don’t be such a glory whore. Nick: I worry dad will somehow leverage this favor in some evil way. He hates my relationship with Sally. I just like to remind everyone I’m banging my bro’s babymama. Sharon: Oh, honey, everyone hates your relationship with Sally. Especially Sally. @@@@@@@ Jack: Schmoopy. Diane: Schmoopy. @@@@@@@@@ Ashley: I’ve still got feelers out to the board. Diane is going to use her unearned position to claw her way to the top if I don’t start an all out corporate war. Tucker: Is she bad at her job? Ashley: I fail to see the relevance. Tucker: Okay, so… you’re going to weaponize the board against your brother in order to save him? Ashley: Precisely. Tucker: Jack is about as beloved as a CEO can be. If you don’t successfully knock him off his perch, he’ll be lionized. Ashley: He is beloved and rightfully so. He’s a good businessman. However, I’m going to have to burn Jack’s little empire to the ground because he’s sticking his dick in a woman I don’t like. Tucker: Wow. Okay. So, Billy is on Jack’s side and could inhale us both. Traci just wants everyone to get along. Kyle, well, I’m sure he’d love to help you kneecap his daddy. Ashley: I get it. I need finesse. That’s where you come in. Tucker: Well, it’s true that I do my best finessing in the boardroom and the bedroom. I’mma need one thing before we kick off this holy war against Jack - your hand in marriage. @@@@@@@@ Kyle: You were going to let my mom go to trial for a murder that never happened! Phyllis: Boo hoo! Like your mother is so innocent? Like she’s never framed a woman or caused her family pain? Like Diane has never gutted a man like a fish and dumped his bloodless body in a lake? Summer: Jesus, mom. Read a room. Phyllis: Right. What I meant to say is I’m sorry, Kyle. My bad. My head is just spinning from all the guilt. Kyle: Guilt? Is that what you named your demon? Phyllis: Excuse you. The demon went home after I sacrificed Stark to it. Kyle: Do you even understand how much more of an asshole your daughter was when she was grieving? If you’re really sorry, turn yourself in. Summer: Oh my god, Kyle, cops are not the answer! Kyle: For crimes, yes they are. Phyllis: I just need time to clear my name. I killed Jeremy, but it wasn’t murder. It was self defense. Kyle: And you didn’t go to the police immediately because…? Daniel: Hey, yo, that’s what I said! @@@@@@@ Jack: Let’s just absolutely wallow in planning our wedding. Everyone watching should get psychological diabetes. Diane: Now that I’m out of jail, I’m ready to dive in with both feet. I imagine Kyle will be your best man? Jack: Only if he lowers his bouffant to below sea level. Diane: We could all walk down the aisle together. Wouldn’t that be teeth achingly sweet? Jack: I wish we could get married every single day. Diane: And now my best idea: I plan on asking Summer to be my matron of honor. Record scratch. Jack: Um… @@@@@@@@ Nikki: Thank you for inviting us after dark. You know how the sunlight tends to ignite Victor’s skin. Victor: I can see Nicholas does not have his head stuck in the bannister again. What is going on? Sharon: Cameron Kirsten. Nikki: Ugh. How utterly disgusting. What is that piece of detritus up to? Sharon: He’s back in town. Victor: I don’t recall giving him permission. Wasn’t he in prison? Is he the one I sealed behind a brick wall? Nick: He was in prison. He got out, got himself a Sharon lookalike, beat her up, went back to prison. He appears to be free again. You’d think there would have been a Nick lookalike to kick the ever living shit out of him. Sharon: I’ve been getting creepy little gifts sent to me. A bottle of champagne with a smear of blood on it, a cigar box, a bundle of weak chin hairs… Victor: Have you brought the police into this? Nick: We brought Chance into it. Sharon’s milkshake did anyway. Nikki: He’s in town? Have you seen him. Sharon: Not until last night, when Nick was helping me close the shop. Nick: I refilled the cream, hehehehe. Victor: Son, you are so very dismal, k? Did Cameron do anything? Sharon: He taunted us and played his usual mind games. The worst thing is that he made contact with Faith in the park and pretended to be an old friend. Nikki: Well, you and Faith sinply must stay at the raunch tonight. Victor just stocked the moat with fresh piranha and we’ve replaced the three goats in a trenchcoat with a real live ninja. Sharon: Thank you. Of course, Faith will probably want to stay home, but I’ll try to convince her. Nick: Let’s quadruple security. Victor: I have already done this through my telepathic link to the dark guardian spirits who hover around the estate. Get on my level, k? @@@@@@@@ Cameron Kirsten returns to his room and slips his outfit into a black garbage bag, as one does. He slowly undresses, tantalizing no one except for those who find white Play-doh to be the ultimate aphrodisiac. @@@@@@@ Kyle: By all means, use every tool in your narcissist’s toolbox. Phyllis: I came back. Came back. I’m here to make amends. To take responsibility and face the consequences. I can only do that in secret and by doggedly hunting for ways to assassinate Stark’s already low and seedy character. Kyle: Like what the fuck even are the words coming out of your mouth? How can you do that stuck in a room in one of the most popular spots for every fucking person you know? Phyllis: Admittedly, that was dumb. But you see, it was about my children. Just knowing that Daniel was upstairs shagging his girlfriend or that Summer might come in and dine was such a comfort to me. Summer: I feel as loved as one of Kyle’s hats. Kyle: Not now, asshole. Phyllis: My next move is a good one. I’m sorry I hurt you and your mother, Kyle. I was jealous. It felt like Diane had everything I wanted, a love life, a steady job, and a child who would speak to her. I was just so vulnerable to Stark’s manipulations. Kyle: That’s all your fault, tho. Phyllis: Your mother and I actually have a lot in common. I only faked my death for about a week, though, and your mother played dead for years. We both came home for our babies. Kyle: You watched your kids be absolutely broken by grief while sporting a two dollar wig. My god, you could have prevented Danny from singing that cornball schlock tribute. All that aural suffering is on you. Dear god, Summer, can you make another face while you stand next to your mother like a ventriloquist’s dummy? Phyllis: I told her it would freeze that way. Look, Kyle, I can’t fix this from behind bars. And I can’t have my fate left to Christine’s mercy. She hates me for some reason. What I’m saying is, I’m just a psychopath, standing before a bouffant, asking him to let her off the hook. @@@@@@@@ Ashley: You are just laser focused on getting married. Tucker: Better than being laser focused on Diane Jenkins. But since you are, I feel it’s important to lend some legitimacy to our relationship for when I take over Jabot and make it my bitch. Ashley: Yeah right. Tucker: Well, I’m hoping you’re sincere when you say your vows, but even if you’re not, I’m grateful for the opportunity for some corporate mischief. I’m telling you quite plainly that I’m going to use your deranged hatred for Diane to fuel my rocket ship to the CEO’s office. Ashley: DIANE JENKINS!!! @@@@@@@ Jack: I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but… don’t? Diane: It’s a risk, yes, but I dreamt about our wedding while hiding at the Abbott cabin, and in my dream, Summer was the matron of honor. Jack: I used to dream that I filled Billy’s nostrils with cement, but I didn’t run out and rent a cement mixer. Diane: Summer needs to know that she’s loved and has family that won’t abandon her. Jack: Nah. Diane: With Phyllis up to her cyan chompers in legal drama, Summer needs support and compassion. Phyllis too. You know, I actually pity her. She’s just bad at life. Jack: Allie could be your maid of honor. Remember her? Diane: I have an idea. It’s sex. Jack: I wish I’d thought of that. @@@@@@@@@ Sharon: Faith said she’s not going to let some piece of shit drive her out of her home. Nick: That’s my girl! Victor: Don’t you worry, k? There are men at the gate, around the perimeter and in your chimney. Hellhounds will materialize at my command. Sharon: Thank you, Nikki. Thank you, Victor. I appreciate your help. Good night. Nick: Must. Punch. Cameron. Sharon: What about that manly tea brewing you were going to do? Nick: I forgot! LOL. I’ll make you my specialty - tit tea. Titty! God damn, I’m going to giggle all night. Sharon: Just kidding. I don’t trust you around hot water. Or tepid water, for that matter. Nick: Dad just messaged me. A security guard was knocked unconscious, stripped to his skivvies, which were pulled up over his head and had Newman Sux written on his butt with A1 steak sauce. @@@@@@@ Kyle: Phyllis, you repulsive freak, you’ve made everyone in this room complicit in your crimes. Your daughter will go to jail. Daniel could go. I feel guilty just standing here. Summer: Oh poo. No one goes to jail for helping their mommy. Phyllis: I would never hurt my kids! Kyle: You already have. It’s too late. Accessory after the fact, aiding and abetting, collusion… how do I explain those things to Harrison? Summer: Could you explain them to me first? Kyle: No cops, for the moment. I’m out of here. I can’t stand here and pretend that Phyllis’ facial expressions match her words of remorse. She cray. Phyllis: Go ahead and go after him before he dry humps a fez. @@@@@@@ Summer: Kyle, I know this is a lot to take in - Kyle: Not for you. You seemed very calm and at ease seeing your back from the dead mother for the first time. Summer: I’m just really mentally strong. Kyle: Nope. Summer: What are you getting at? Kyle: This isn’t your first clown rodeo with Phyllis. How long have you been committing felonies on her behalf? Diane: Kyle, Summer, I’m so glad to see you. I know it must be difficult for you to see me celebrate my freedom, Summer, with your mother facing some pretty serious consequences. I have nothing but compassion for you and Phyllis. And I’m so glad you have Kyle to lean on. Ashley: Here we are, making a sloppy drunk entrance! Jack: We’re just going to bed. It’s getting late. Ashley: You’ll want to stick around for our grand announcement. Jack: No, I won’t. Tucker: This divine piece of tail, this miracle of a woman has agreed to marry me. Again! Look at her chug that champagne! We’ll be tying the knot as soon as possible and then messing with people as husband and wife. Crickets. @@@@@@@ Daniel: That went well. Phyllis: Not really. But, hey, how are you? Like, how are you really. I call these questions performative empathy. Daniel: You pretended to die, watched us mourn, killed a man, told only Summer you were alive because I have morals, then made both your children accessories to your crimes. Phyllis: And? Daniel: I love you, but forgiveness is so far away that the light from it won’t reach you before the heat death of the universe. Phyllis: I’m going to make this right. You’ll see. If you need to talk about this for years, then we’ll do that. I won’t actually be listening, but you can whine as much as you want. Daniel: Good talk, mom. @@@@@@@@ To exactly no one’s surprise, Cameron Kirsten emerges from the shower and lovingly caresses a very basic security guard’s uniform and the accompanying badge. Fortunately there are no cameras anywhere in Genoa City, and even though Cameron is registered under his real name, he can still elude everyone. He also has a face easily recognized by all his potential victims, so the uniform isn’t much of a disguise. At least put on some velour and class this shitshow up.

I suspect boes knows exactly what he’s doing. He certainly has stellar instincts for what Nick is doing. Nicholas feels very strongly that the sugar and cream should be stored together, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I missed today’s episode because I was helping my mother shop for my niece’s baby shower. I can’t begin to describe how much fun it was, looking at endless decorations and baby paraphernalia. My mother is the type of shopper who will go through each aisle sixty times to make sure she’s seen everything. It was rather like sitting through Victor’s interminable orphan story. Sounds like I missed some prime Bluetooth, as Waldo has been moved to give her a new nickname.

Knowing this show, Phyllis will somehow “redeem” herself by saving Faith from Cameron. That’s usually Adam’s gig, but Phyllis has become incredibly skilled at dispatching rapey douchebags. Boes is incredibly skilled at dispatching me. Anyone else find their skin crawling at how needy Sally is with Nick? Maybe he broke her resistance down by being up her ass 24/7. “You’re usually so responsive”? Gross. You only call Nick when you ‘before’ photos for athlete’s foot medication. The joyless spooning at the end of the episode was the cherry on the shit sundae.

Sally: Oh thank god, it’s Nick! I can’t even breathe without him. Chloe: Yadda yadda yadda. Sally: … Chloe: Is something wrong? @@@@@@@ Nick: Me Nick. Me big strong manly man. Me order more security. Sharon: Maybe I’m overreacting. Nick: No such thing where Cameron Kirsten is concerned. Sharon: The packages and letters really freaked me out. How was he able to leave all that stuff in those specific places? Nick: He paid someone? Whoa. Holy shit, I figured that out myself! Sharon: Or he’s in town. Still one step behind, jackwagon. Nick: But you agree now that was blood on the champagne bottle, so who’s jackin’ the wagon now? Sharon: Still you. @@@@@@@@ Faith: I’m such a clumsy douche. My boyfriend always tells me not to text and walk. Cameron: Don’t you hate it when your significant other is right? Kinda makes you want to beat the shit out of them. Faith: Um. @@@@@@@ Tucker: Your hair looks almost as good as mine. Ashley: Thanks. How’s Dominic? Tucker: I’m putting him in charge of the music for our pretend wedding. Ashley: Oh my fucking god. What in the name of fuck fondue is that crazy biatch doing out of the house? Tucker: Diane always brings the best trolling opportunities. Are you calling the police? Ashley: Hell to the yassssss. Tucker: I find it best to gather all possible facts before summoning law enforcement. It’s very easy to beclown one’s self. Ashley: foams at mouth @@@@@@@@ Sally: I didn’t feel good at the park, so naturally I phoned Nick. Chloe: Naturally. Sally: He didn’t answer or call back, so I was forced to acknowledge Adam. Ugh. He took me to the doctor’s. Chloe: Nick would have driven you much more safely. Sally: I know. I’m pretty sure Adam caused my preeclampsia diagnosis. Chloe: You poor thing. We need to put you in a big plastic bubble to protect the holy fetus. Sally: What if everything is wrong? Chloe: I’ve got a dead Delia story just for this situation. @@@@@@@@ Cameron: Are you… Faith Newman? Faith: Maybe. Who wants to know? Cameron: I’m an old friend of your mother and father. I worked on a banana bronzing project with Nick and Sharon and my fist go way back. Faith: What was that? Cameron: How are they anyway? Faith: Dad’s still into sloppy seconds and Mom is this close to banging a cop who could break you in half. Cameron: Well, tell them CK said wassup, okay? Oh, and can you tell me how to find this address? Faith: I believe that bar is located up your ass and to the left. @@@@@@@ Ashley: No one ever expects the Abbott Inquisition. Hello, Diane. Look at me. I’m calling the police. Diane: Really? Ashley: Yeah, biznatch. You fought the law and the law won. Diane: Don’t let me stop you. Tucker: You took my advice to snip the bracelet off, you cheeky rebel you. Ashley: I’m in your face, just callin’ the police. Jack: Don’t you dare. Tucker: What gives here? This has off the charts drama potential and I wanna catch the wave. @@@@@@@ Sharon: Faith is home. Act normal. Keep your hands out of your pockets. Nick: But I still have one in the corner pocket and one stuck under my cue. Faith: Hey. Why the tragic faces? Nick: I’ve got a billiards situation. Faith: Okaaayyyy. I saw all my favorite spots. I was sad to see we’re down to a four by four square park space. Otherwise, not much has changed since I’ve gone to college. Nick: I asked Christian to check your oil and change your brake pads. Your car is sure to pass inspection and be ready to roll this summer. Faith: Cool. By the by, some old buddy of yours said hello. I ran into him while I was text walking. He went by his initials. C… something. Nick: Me Nick. Me ‘bout to throw hands. Me punch, punch, punch! Sharon: Googles Cameron Kirsten. Is this the guy? Faith: Definitely the same skeever I ran into. Nick: I’ll activate the extra raunch security. @@@@@@@ Sally: I’m so, so sorry I made you think you had to tell that dead Delia story. Chloe: It’s fine. There’s so much the world can learn from my little angel. The lesson for you is that you’re a fighter like me. Sally: What could be keeping Nick? It doesn’t feel right here unless he’s breathing down my neck. Chloe: I bet this is him now! Oh, Adam. Well, you’re a warm body, I guess. Sally: You didn’t have to come back. Adam: I heard your doctor’s advice to lay low and thought you might need some flavorless snacks and bottled water on hand. Chloe: I’m going to hand babysitting duties over to you. I’ll be doing all the work on decorating Chancellor Winters, so I need to hit the amphetamines and get busy. Bye, Sally. Bye, dickhead! Adam: That’s a lot of lipstick. @@@@@@@@@ Diane: Christine dropped all the charges. In yo’ face. Ashley: I suppose you got off on some technicality. Tucker: I’ve gotten off on far less. Jack: Phyllis is alive, and there is DNA evidence to prove it. Your milkshake, we drank it. Ashley: Why the smug attitude, Diane? You didn’t win shit. Diane: I told everyone I was innocent and what the fuck do you know? I am! You’ve been treating me like Jack the Ripper and Summer’s been a chapped and puckered asshole. I wouldn’t be surprised if this Phyllis plot was the work of three cackling hags. Ashley: How dare you! Of course I’m happy for Summer and Daniel. Jack: You’re never happy. Diane: Would you two like to join us for champagne? Ashley: Eat the corn out of my shit, lady. Tucker: I would fucking love to sit with you and Jack. I need it more than oxygen. A shit-stirring opportunity like that could satisfy me for three months, at least. I’m a trolling camel. Jack: Another time, then. @@@@@@@@ Chance: I’m ready to detect. Nick: Do I detect that you’ve been splitting wood? Chance: Shut your fucking mouth, nepo baby. What do you guys have for me? Sharon: Faith, tell Detective Chancellor what happened at the park just now. Faith: It wasn’t, like, a crime or anything. I had my face in my phone and nearly knocked this itinerant mountain man out. He said he knew my parents and that his name was CK. Nick: He forgot the DI at the beginning. Oh my lord, I’m on fiyah today, spelling and shit. Faith: He said his phone died and he asked me for directions to a bar. Chance: steps to the side and makes a call. This is Chancellor. Get an officer to the dive bar at 6969 Cockcrumble Avenue. See if you can find Kirsten. Yeah, I’m at Sharon Newman’s. He’s here too. I’m not going to pinch him on the public urination warrant right now. I’m sure he can cut a check for the tainted koi pond. Thanks. Faith: What the hell, you guys? You’re scaring me. Who is this CK guy? I’m not a kid anymore. Moses and I *blushes* held hands last week. Sharon: He’s a very painful part of my past. It’s hard to talk about. Nick: Me Nick! You daughter. You stay away from bad man. @@@@@@@@ Adam: Our kid is a fighter. From what I hear about the Spectra women, they will cut a bitch. My mom, Hope, was pretty tough too. I come from hardy farm stock. Sally: I can’t picture you growing up on a farm. I bet you mutilated cows and blamed the chupacabra. Adam: Okay, carny. Sally: Hey, my childhood made me the adventurous, independent wanderer I am today. I’m trying to change the nomadic thing though, so my kid can have stability. Did you ever ride a horsey on the farm? Adam: I delivered a calf once. Trust me, I can be a rock in the delivery room. Sally: Nick brought me steak fajitas the other night. Same diff. Adam: He pronounced it fa-jeet-a, admit it. Sally: I do appreciate you coming back. I may just keep you on the bench in case Nick isn’t around to handle my incompetent flailing and inability to cope with the slightest worry. Adam: Your snacks may be low sodium, but I’m leaving here extra salty. Sally: Aren’t you busy with McCall? I’ll put you in the game if the starter goes down. Keep your phone handy. @@@@@@@ Faith: Obviously talking about this person stresses you guys out. Dad’s over there ripping off his shirt and transforming into the Incredible Sulk. You just tell me when you’re ready. Sharon: The important thing is to avoid CK at all costs and call us or Chance if he bothers you. It’s probably a good idea to carry bear spray, a taser and nunchucks everywhere on account of all the middle aged pervs that show up in Genoa City. Faith: Plus I heard that Phyllis has been released into a populated area. *Shudders* Chance: Here’s the deal. Cameron never showed up at the bar he asked about. I’ve got some guys canvassing the hotels in the area. We’ll find him and probably do jack shit nothing until a resident goes vigilante and deep sixes his pancake ass. I like Nick for that murder. Nick: Aren’t you going to arrest him? Huh? Huh? What do I pay taxes for? Chance: You pay for the privilege of me telling you to shut your fucking Dorito funnel. We don’t have enough to arrest Kirsten. We don’t even have enough to question him. I’d sure like to inquire as to how a dumb donkey like you got the drop on him. Nick: Oh noez. Sally called! Sally need Nick! Me Nick. Me to the rescue. Sharon: Please, by all means. Go. Chance: I’ve got to go load up some tranq guns for the big Phyllis manhunt. Will you be okay? Sharon: We’ll be fine. Maybe Phyllis and Cameron will meet and create a self-eating vortex of malicious narcissism. Chance: If you need me, call. Sharon: If I have needs, you’ll be the first person I call. @@@@@@@@@ Ashley: Now that Diane is free, she’ll start believing she’s invincible. And did she imply I had something to do with Phyllis’ clusterfuck? That bitch. Tucker: Don’t forget Nikki. I must say, you dressed as a wicked witch could be quite arousing. Ashley: Of course Jeremy Stark forced Phyllis into a life of crime. Phyllis wouldn’t have felt the need to do what she did if Jack hadn’t been such a dick to her. Everyone knows Diane’s existence pushed Phyllis to the breaking point. Tucker: I gotta give props to Phyllis for some truly inspired revenge. Topping it off with a murder is a tad gauche, but to each their own. Ashley: Diane must not win. I will devote my life to pissing in her cornflakes. Somehow I have to stop my dimbulb of a brother from marrying her. Tucker: C’mon. He’s doubled down on defending her. And trying to stop Jack Abbott from getting married is like trying to stop the tide from coming in. Ashley: I tried to turn Billy on to my takeover plan, but all of a sudden he’s Mr. Loyal after he fucked Jack’s wife for months. He’s found morality in Chelsea’s funhouse or something. Tucker: I’ve never found any in yours. Ashley: I’m this close to getting some board members in my pocket. Ha ha. I just need a suitcase full of cocaine and to tickle some feet with ostrich feathers to seal the deal. Tucker: While I adore this scheming side of yours, wouldn’t it be prudent to, I don’t know, get some fucking perspective? It’s just not that serious, homeslice. Ashley: Diane will never get her talons into Jabot! Caw caw! Tucker: … @@@@@@@@ Diane: Your sister is a cow. Jack: Forget about her. I want to celebrate you. Your indomitable spirit, your peerless courage, your unmatched fortitude. Other people would have given up and gone meekly to their life sentence. Not my Diane. Your unflagging - Diane: Jesus Christ, Jack, I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in medicine. Calm the fuck down. @@@@@@@@ Nick: I’m here! I got your message! Adam? What the fuck? Sally: I had a little scare in the park. My doctor says I’m at risk for preeclampsia. Nick: Whoa. They had to take mine out when I was six. Adam: I took her to the doctor’s and brought her some snacks. Due to Sally’s delicate condition, she shouldn’t leave this room. Not that you guys ever do. Nick: Me here. You go. Adam: Get bent. Bye, Sally. Sally: Where were you, my reason for living? You’re usually so responsive and pop right out of my back pocket when needed. Why didn’t you come running? Nick: Uh, I was just, like, picking my nose and kinda got lost in the moment. I wanted to extract a nice rubbery one in a single piece, but I had to tread lightly. It’s easy to lose track of time working on a collector’s item. Sally: That doesn’t really explain your failure to drop everything and attend to my needs. Is something going on? Nick: Nothing serious. Just some boring old Newman business. Vic turned down my idea for a pooper scooper for humans. You don’t need the stress. Sally: I’m fine. Chloe covered me with a blanket and Adam came running. Nick: I’d keep the blanket on so no one knows you’re wearing a brown paper bag. Sally: Aren’t the baby and I part of your family? Don’t shut me out. Nick: *desperate to change the subject, he subtly lifts his right buttock from the sofa and lets slip a classic mosquito fart, a long, whining emission of air that sounds like the droning buzz of an insect.* They say laughter is a great stress reliever. I have an even better activity in mind. Sally: I can’t get my heart rate up. It’s never happened before, but I’d rather not take the chance. Nick: Don’t worry. I’m going to be spooning and cracking rats. @@@@@@@ Tucker: Here’s an idea. Instead of alienating your siblings and debasing yourself to win over the board, let’s you and I go into business together. I’m flush with Victor’s cash and you can use all that vengeful energy on destroying our competitors. Ashley: My idea to blow up the family and the company is solid. Tucker: It sucks. Ashley: It’s amazing. Tucker: Why frig around with a CEO when you can be the CEO. Imagine working somewhere without a walking wind tunnel roaming the halls. You wouldn’t have to look at Kyle’s bouffant or Summer’s stupid pout at both home and work. All your innovations are belong to us. Ashley: I don’t know why, but this is starting to sound enticing. Let’s discuss this more intimately. Tucker and Ashley swan past her brother on their way to the stairs. Tucker: I’ll see you two crazy kids at home. Jack: Those two are up to something. Diane: Sex, I imagine. @@@@@@@@ Chelsea: Adam, I’m glad I caught you. We need to talk about Connor. Adam: Do we though? Chelsea: Yes. He’s so moody. I can’t decide whether or not I should worry. Adam: It’s called a phase. Boys are pricks. Some grow out of it, some turn into Nick. Chelsea: Is it a phase or is it something deeper? I’ve applied all my healing arts and he still refuses to put the seat down. Adam: Maybe there’s too much buttbiscuit in his diet. Are you making him play your shit ass game? I’m not a Magic 8 Ball, you fool. Chelsea: Get fucked. Adam: I’m sorry. I apologize. Of course I care about Connor. I’m just worried about the baby. Sally’s at risk for… preeclampsia! Chelsea: Oh no! Well, by all means, here’s a free pass to be an obnoxious tit. @@@@@@@ Sharon: It’s time we addressed the abusive stalker elephant in the room. Faith: Are you sure? We could always discuss how to tell Dad that Summer has gone full metal asshole. Sharon: I need to tell you what kind of monster we’re dealing with. CK, I mean. @@@@@@@@ Cameron Kirsten settles into his hotel room and pours himself a glass of cognac. He takes a stroll down memory lane, wallowing in the methane swamp of obsession and curly mullets. He was a dick unaware of his own dickishness, who operated with the swagger of someone who mistook predation for manhood. Somewhere, a wild baboon howled. Cameron Kirsten shivered.

Lily: Dude, you look rough. Daniel: I feel rough. Lily: The only thing you’ll find at the bottom of that mug is probably a fifth of gin. Daniel: Is it that obvious? Lily: To a trained observer like me, yes. You can always call me if you’re having trouble sleeping. Devon calls me human Sominex. Daniel: Can you come upstairs to my room for a minute? Don’t worry. I have no etchings. @@@@@@@ Phyllis: Man, do I love googling myself. And looking myself up online too. @@@@@@@ Victor: Good day, Detective. Chance: Don’t even today, you shambling bag of bones and money. Victor: My messenger bat brought me news of the murder of Phyllis Summers by Diane Jenkins. Any truth to the story? Chance: Fuck outta here. Victor: I demand to be in the loop. Chance: Nope. Victor: Youhaveagooddaynow. @@@@@@@@ Billy: This is what I love, sitting at a coffee shop, people watching, making silent judgments… oh, Victoria! Got that getting laid swagger going on. Victoria: Uh, I think it’s the shoes. Billy: I noticed the shoes. I believe they’re called ‘fuck me’ pumps? Victoria: I noticed your nostrils. I believe they’re called the abyss you can fuck off into. Billy: I’m rebuff proof, babe. So when can I meet him? Victoria: Well, I am seeing someone. Nate Hastings. Billy: Time to make out loud judgments. @@@@@@@@@ Summer: Oh noes. I carelessly left an obvious clue to my chicanery in plain sight. Supergirl to the rescue! Diane: Kyle’s asshole sniffing dog is barking up a storm - oh! Summer, hello. What’s with all the bags? Summer: Kyle’s hair products. And donations to the Neil Winters Statue in Chancellor Park fundraiser. Diane: Oh, I wish I’d known. Kyle has so many nipple hugging shirts I’d love to shitcan. Summer: You can donate year round to Neil related causes. I’m going on a drive after I drop this shit off. Byeeee. Diane: Before you go, I wanted to apologize for the problems my situation has caused in your marriage. The ones not caused by the repressed quasi-incest and asshole thing. Summer: Fine, fine. Pardon me while I run off like I just robbed a bank. @@@@@@@ Daniel: I’ve been lying to you. I was sworn to secrecy, but I recently learned that promises made to assholes aren’t enforceable by statute. Lily: This sounds pretty juicy. Daniel: My mom’s still alive. Lily: What the fuckety fuck now? Daniel: It’s a long, sordid tale of murder, lies and the hypnotic power of gray velour. @@@@@@@@ Billy: Nate? That two faced motherfucker? Victoria: Suddenly you’re the sex police? Arrest yourself for failure to appear between the sheets. Billy: Isn’t he living with Elena? Victoria: Not anymore. Ambition is one hell of an aphrodisiac. Billy: Gross. Victoria: Relax, dummy. I’m not planning to shoehorn Nate into the family and make him browbeat the kids until they accept him. Only a deranged idiot would do that. Billy: … @@@@@@@@@@ Victor: Sit down, Natey Nate Nate. Victor holds his fist out to Nate, who happily kisses the arcane signet ring emitting tendrils of black mist on the Newman knuckle. Nate: Nice to you see you. But let’s cut straight to the chase. Is this a meeting about Newman Media or a BBQ where I’m slathered in sauce and grilled over briquettes? @@@@@@@@ Phyllis: Oh, I missed you, Summer. I’ve been talking to myself. Talking to myself a lot. What’s weird is how much fucked up shit I say. And the lies! Of course, it’s not a lie if you believe it. Never mind. My integrity is unmatched. Summer: Yeah. So here’s some clothes. Why did I have to buy so many tube socks? Phyllis: Forget it. How are you doing? LOL! I don’t care. Summer: I’m alright. Phyllis: Whatever. How’s that bitch Diane? Prancing about the Abbott Manor, lording her impending freedom over the rubes? I hope that ankle monitor glitches and goes up like a roman candle. Burn, witch, burn! Summer: Caw caw! Phyllis: And what about the Bug? Is that uptight sandy vagina still not buying Daniel’s story? I need deets, asshole. Summer: I don’t know. Fuck my brother. That fucking fuck. I asked that fart sucking clown to do the simplest thing, to give us time to manipulate the situation, but noooooo. I hate him. Phyllis: One thing I am going to do is heal the relationship between you and Daniel. It’s my fault you’re fighting. Gosh, I can see why Victor gets off on pitting his kids against each other. Summer: Your other child can choke on a bottle cap. @@@@@@@ Victoria: Let’s talk about a less touchy subject. How about the kids? Let’s talk about our lovely children. Johnny can’t seem to zip it about the big family dinner the other night. Billy: Well, the turtle parmigiana was off the hook. Victoria: What an interesting guest list. Your ex, her current, the son stealer, Connor, Johnny and Daniel’s daughter, Lucy. Billy: The kids had fun. Chelsea blatherskiting on about Omega Sphere was like getting a vasectomy with a weed whacker. Victoria: You might want to look into that. @@@@@@@@@@@ Victor: Are we not old friends? Can we not catch up? Nate: Sure. I just felt like this meeting might have been triggered by Nick’s irrational hatred of me. He doesn’t respect my business acumen because I took Newman Media away from Sally. He loathes me personally because of my relationship with Victoria. Victor: I can assure you that Nick does not know what acumen is. Idontgiveadamn what he thinks about anything. I form my own opinion. Nate: I’ve always respected that about you, sir. A pigheaded refusal to consider other views is how I roll too. Victor: Your ass kissing is exemplary. Since you brought it up, what are your plans for my daughter? Nate: You want to know my intentions toward Victoria. Victor: I see you are skilled in translating plain English into even plainer English. As you know, Victoria had a very bad experience with Ashland Locke. You were best man at the wedding, were you not? Nate: My bad. Whatever happened to that guy? Victor: True story. He turned into Josh Lewis and lost his damn mind. Nate: I can assure you that I would never undermine Victoria or the company. She wouldn’t allow it and neither would you. Victor: It would be a good way to receive a fatal blow to the head from a killer baboon and have your body used for obscure necromantic rituals. Nate… @@@@@@@@@ Lily: Look, Daniel… I know Phyllis is your mother and you’re happy she’s alive. I’d still like to beat her ass like a party piranha pinata Daniel: To be fair to my mother- The third strike buzzer from Family Feud sounds. Lily: You gotta stop hitting the copium pipe, my man. Try smoking some nope instead. Pretending to be dead isn’t what a mother does. It’s what a motherfucker does. Daniel: I know. Lily: Going to your own memorial and siphoning off everyone’s grief with your psychic tentacles is narcissistic as fuck. It’s so twisted that I almost can’t wrap my mind around it. Holy shit. Daniel: Yeah. Lily: She’s going to let an innocent woman go to jail unless she’s gifted a Get Out of Jail Free card? Is that right? Daniel: I mean, Stark was trying to kill her. It was self defense. Lily: So explain it to the police instead of burdening you and Summer like this. Daniel: Ugh. Summer. That’s a whole ‘nother kettle of molten diarrhea. @@@@@@@@ Phyllis: My other child? Who talks like that? Put some respect on his name. Summer: No. POUT. Phyllis: Hey, I’m not happy about what dumbass did either. But he’s still part of the family. We fuck around, we find out, we make up. Summer: Don’t tell me how to feel about that choad. I don’t even understand why he’s like this. Phyllis: He was raised by Danny, who always had his moral compass pointing at Do the Right Thing. He wasn’t even Daniel’s biological father! Still, he filled that impressionable little boy’s head with stuff and nonsense like ethics, values, honesty… Summer: Unbelievable that you lost custody to a monster like him. Wait, what does that say about our moral compass? Phyllis: We get things done. We kick ass and take names. We do what needs to be done. We’re the Avengers of Genoa City. Summer: Yay! Phyllis: If I’d raised Daniel, we could have dumped Stark’s body in a lake as a family. @@@@@@@ Victor: If I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have believed it. Genghis Khan kicked in the dick by a wild horse! Of course, no one dared to laugh. Nate: Another amazing story, sir. You know, it was you who inspired me to take business courses in college. Victor: Really? Well now, that is a very strategic bit of flattery. Nate: Of course, I learned a lot by reading your biography by Bram Stoker. Victor: You are proving to be an astute polisher of apples. Do you ever miss that little healing lark? Nate: I became a doctor to follow in my mother’s footsteps. Then I realized it was much easier to be a jerkweed like my dad. I mean, my hand was injured and I could no longer operate or masturbate skillfully. Victor: You seem to have a flair for corporate maneuvering. Have you made amends with your family? Nate: They’ve villified, crucified and deep fried me. I keep offering platitudes and insincere apologies, but they refuse to forgive. Victor: A lesson, young man: never apologize. Ever. Stare people right in the eye, grab your crotch and invite them to feast on your brass balls. Now let us go outside and stand so that the camera shot makes us look like we’re getting married. Nate: Brilliant suggestion as always, sir. @@@@@@@@ Billy: Hello, Diane. Might the lord of the manor be in? Diane: No. Jack is on an exciting adventure. He’s going to the book store to buy me a book. Oh, the things he’ll see! People, trees, cars… Billy: There’s this little invention called the window. Check it out some time. Diane: Thanks, dipshit. What did you need Jack for? Billy: A little Jabot business. I’m thinking I deserve a little jabonus for all my hard work. Diane: I miss the office. Billy: How are you doing? Diane: I’m just counting the days until animal control finds Phyllis and wrangles her like a rogue alligator. Then I’ll be proven innocent and everyone will have to eat shit. Billy: I hope you are exonerated. If my brother can’t get married, it will destroy him. No pressure though. Wait a second. What’s that about Phyllis? Diane: I don’t know. What about her? Billy: I sort of have a… a thing for Jack’s ladies. Fortunately for Phyllis, she got the benefit of my sexual expertise, my sexpertise, before you killed her. Diane: Just proves you don’t need a literal dumpster to fuck trash. @@@@@@@@ Daniel: Summer is just as bad as my mother. She defends her and makes excuses and keeps covering for her. She doesn’t care that Diane could go to prison. She blames all this shit on me. Lily: That’s her problem and Phyllis’ problem. It’s not your fault and not your problem. I’m sorry if I’ve been harsh, but it pisses me off to see what your mom is doing to you. I could give her a Molotov cocktail suppository right now. Daniel: Hey, if we can’t be honest with each other, what’s the point? Lily: Your mother is going to have to eat the shit sandwich of justice, Daniel. Daniel: I know, I know. What was it like when you went to prison for Hilary’s death? Lily: It was great. We held cell block musicals, made dresses out of old newspapers and sipped mai tais by the prison pool. How the fuck do you think it was? It sucked. But I had to go. Daniel: It sounds awful. Lily: It sure as hell was, but my actions cost someone their life. There are consequences for that. I couldn’t look Devon in the eye if I didn’t accept them. I couldn’t live with myself. Daniel: It’s nice to talk to a non psychopath. @@@@@@@@ Phyllis: These snacks are amazing. Amazing. Summer: Everything tastes better in hiding. Phyllis: I’m working on that. I’mma find something about Jeremy Stark that proves he deserved the death penalty. Then I’m a freeeeeeee bird. Summer: Stark picking up a pair of scissors and physically backing you into the bathroom and trying to stab you would seem sufficient. Like seriously. How could you muff that obvious out? Phyllis: That’s blood under the bridge. I’m also studying the Wisconsin penal code. I know I can outwit the legal system. Summer: Did you find any loopholes? Phyllis: Well, no, but I’ve got more research to do. I’m going to hunt down the porn mustache that Jeremy paid to be there when Diane poisoned me and I died. Ha ha ha. Too soon? Summer: Not funny. That guy is probably flaunting his perverse facial hair on a tropical island somewhere. Phyllis: I’m going to keep some bribery money on ice just in case the other stuff falls through. Summer: This is why I want Daniel eaten by a pack of feral wolverines. We need more time to formulate a plan to keep you out of prison. Daniel told all the wrong people and now it’s a race against the clock. You keep your ass on lockdown until we get you a pardon. Phyllis: Whatever. @@@@@@@@@ Chance: Hi, Christine. Man, I feel like a Canadian mint. Christine: You have the test results? Chance: You better sit down. Christine: That bad, huh? Chance: Bad to the bone. The fingerprints on the program, the DNA in the tear stain. All belong to the so-called deceased. Christine: Fuck a duck. Chance: And since the programs were published after Phyllis “died”, that means - Christine: Crispy is actually tartare. Chance: Bingo. Christine: Well, fuck me running, swimming and pole vaulting. Of course Phyllis faked her own death. Of course she did. You didn’t hear this from me, but I wish Phyllis could be thrown with great force off Mount Everest into a pit of okra. Chance: I hear you. We look pretty… not smart. Christine: She watched her family and friends grieve in a disgusting act of masturbatory voyeurism. I swear by all that is holy, I’ll pop her head off like a dandelion and shit down her neck. Chance: It was quite a plan they put together, Stark and Phyllis. Vengeance and velour are a dangerous combination. Christine: My big return to the DA’s office is nothing but hot buttered ass thanks to that overexposed chlamydia sample. These rich motherfuckers want the law to protect them and their shit from the unwashed masses. Is that enough? Fuck no! We’re supposed to shield their gilded asses from the consequences of their own crimes! Chance: Louder for the rich motherfuckers in the back. Christine: When I’m through with Phyllis, she’ll wish she’d backed up over my azz.

Thanks for the life lesson. Chance is wearing the shirt, but the shirt is wearing Cameron. I can’t believe we’re on the third iteration of “older guy causes trouble in Genoa City” in such a short time. I wonder which fine resident will get to murder Cameron? It’s probably too soon for Nick to ice another scumbag.

I’m embarrassed now that I remember wearing culottes as a small child in the 80’s. I’d be more upset with my mother, but, hey. At least she’s not Phyllis. I have intermittently felt some compassion for Summer, though those moments are getting fewer and farther between. Crispy is gaslighting her and practically brainwashing her, not to mention making her an accessory to her crimes and torpedoing her marriage. If Crispy was a decent mother, she’d march her bony ass to the police station at Crimson Lights and turn herself in. Ol’ Bluetooth opts to continue burdening and exploiting her kids instead. Damn you, Kitty! I’ve talked myself into feeling bad for Summer again. It’ll last right up until she’s back on my screen, doing her pouting asshole act.

I do not want to watch a pre-teen love triangle. Wouldn’t it be great if Sally could be on an episode and not talk about babies?

Chloe: It’s time to celebrate! Sally: I’d check your watch again. @@@@@@@ Nick: Whoa, did you move your office here, Chris? Christine: Crimson Lights is housing the police department. Relocating the district attorney’s office near the scones was only natural. Nick: You’re working on something… some kind of case? I feel like I should know this. LOL. Christine: You’re such a devoted father. It’s just not said enough. Nick: Idly scratches butt crack, sniffs finger. Christine: There’s Chance. Get lost. @@@@@@ Phyllis: Summer, I’m not just saying this in a self serving way, but you’re amazing. Amazing. No one can stop you from protecting me. You’re my champion. Caw caw! Summer: This isn’t like being love bombed into a cult at all. Phyllis: You’re speshul and unique. We’re different and no one else understands us. When I saw you losing it at the memorial - Summer: Beep beep, back up the what the fuck truck. You were at the service? @@@@@@@@ Nick: Yo, Sharon, is it just me or is Chance foine as hell? I think it moved when he looked at me. Sharon: If it isn’t Mr. Bloodstains on a Bottle. Or was that wine? Nick: Hey, dad drank both growing up. Don’t get on my jock. Sharon: Well, anyway, I threw it away. Nick: Good. Sharon: Do you know that your daughter is a gold dipped asshole? Nick: Faith is in trouble at school? Sharon: Never mind. What the hell is this postcard? Nick: Oh no. Don’t ask me to read! @@@@@@@ Lily: Hey ladies. Sorry to hear you didn’t get the job redecorating our executive washrooms. Chloe: It’s fine. We are soooo busy with our one trillion clients. The Taj Mahal? That was us. We just did a reno on Taylor Swift’s skort closet. We supply all of Lebron’s postgame sweat towels. It’s been an amazing journey to the elite tier of artistic achievement. Lily: Oh my. Well, have a good evening, ladies. Sally: What the fuck was that? Chloe: I panicked. @@@@@@@@@ Christine: Did you find anything in Jeremy Stark’s motel room? Chance: Nah. Just some dried sticky stuff under the floorboards. Probably orange marmalade. The shower curtain matches the drapes. Christine: I knew you wouldn’t find jack shit. Hah! My case in yo’ face! Chance: I trawled through the trash and found a program from Phyllis’ memorial. Christine: And I should care because…? Chance: There were tear stains, a rich source of DNA. Mascara too. Hollow Soul Black by Jabot. Christine: Whoa. Got me there. Jack developed that color especially for Phyllis. And it just occurs to me that someone who used my husband to rotate their tires might be capable of other bad acts. Chance: Just now? Does D.A. stand for dumb ass? @@@@@@@ Lily: What do you suppose Dad would say if he could see us now? Devon: Lily, slow down on the wine. Grapes don’t grow that fast. Then he’d ask me for Amanda’s number. Lily: Yeah. And he’d be buying Dominic jazz albums. Devon: He couldn’t spoil him more than you do. You don’t have to buy him so much stuff, you know. For the love of god, don’t give him Daniel’s or Chelsea’s games. I want Dom to know video games are actually fun. Lily: It’s hard to tell Daniel his game sucks shit through a straw with his mom being charbroiled and all. Devon: Anything going on there? You and Daniel getting frisky? Lily: The timing isn’t great right now with him losing a parent. And I worry he’ll find her again. Devon: We all do. You ever see those commercials for the new Evil Dead movie? I keep thinking someone put out a Phyllis Summers biopic. @@@@@@@ Summer: You were there watching us mourn? Diane was right. Were you wearing a ratchet wig and dollar store glasses? Phyllis: i spritzed my veneers with an off white lacquer to tone down the sexay sexiness. Pretty slick, huh? Summer: No! Did you show up to watch everyone suffer? I’m this close to realizing what a ghoul you really are. Pull me back from the edge! Phyllis: I just wanted to see how my children felt about me. I needed to see if you’d learned your lessons about being ungrateful little ankle biters who tried to cramp my style. Summer: Goddamn, Mom. Phyllis: I shouldn’t have done that. I definitely should not have subtly flicked my bean amid all the grief and fond remembrances. Summer: Daniel and I tried to help you. Phyllis: I know, but you did it all wrong. Did you really think holding me accountable was the right move? Summer: No wonder you had to turn to Jeremy Stark. He let you be your best self. Phyllis: That’s right. Listen carefully. Jeremy Stark was kind and understanding when my own crotchfruit abandoned me and refused to help launch a holy war against Diane Jenkins. Summer: Diane bad. Mom good. Phyllis: So smart. Jeremy, through means better left vague because they’re bullshit, forced me to marry him and fake my own death in order to prove that Diane was Hell’s handmaiden. Summer: You had no choice. Phyllis: That’s my girl, fully indoctrinated. Summer: Caw caw! @@@@@@@@@ Chloe: You should have taken Nick’s money. It wasn’t like he was leaving it on the bedside table. Sally: Gee, thanks. Chloe: I use a lot of lipstick and the costs add up quickly. I needs me some Newman cabbage. Sally: I’d rather summer in Billy Abbott’s nostril than take a handout. Chloe: Easy to say, hard to do. Nick offered you that money because you’re good, not because you’re giving him a warm place to park his sperm sedan. Sally: He dropped the L word on me. Chloe: SQUEE! Sally: He turned the entire room into a romantic cliche. There were so many candles… Chloe: Nick is such a wonderful catch. He’s delightfully simple, rich, and knows how to set a mood. Sally: He bought one of each Yankee Candle scent. You see, Nick had been to Subway and drank the chipotle sauce like a bottle of pop. It was like a sentient pepper took a massive shit in a flower shop allll night long. Chloe: I don’t see what the problem is. Sally: You and I have to break up. @@@@@@@@ Sharon: The postcard is from Denver. Nick: It’s cool. I had a Canadian girlfriend once. Sharon: Denver is in Colorado. Nick: And? Sharon: Oh no. I know who this is from. Cameron Kirsten! Nick: I’m pretty sure I punched him into another dimension. Sharon: This is just how he operates, with sick little games before he goes in for the kill. Nick: Let’s bring Chance in on this. If he tries to steal my heroic thunder, though, I’mma kick his dick into pudding. Sharon: I hope he tases you. @@@@@@@@ Phyllis: I will now feign taking responsibility for my actions and pretend to feel guilty about the hot ass mess I’ve placed you and Daniel in. Go home, take care of your family. I’ll stay far away, lest you be forced to visit me in jail or get charged as an accessory. Summer: But… but you only killed Jeremy because he was trying to kill you. Phyllis: The police won’t see it that way. They get a bug up their ass about how long it takes to report a death, and I’m not talking about Cricket this time. Plus, I may have kept some velour as a trophy. It is kinda weird that they never scraped any of my DNA off Stark’s body. We had quite the tussle. Summer: I can’t stay away from you. I won’t! What happens to you happens to me. Phyllis: You finally realize that you’re nothing more than an extension of me. I’ve waited for this moment your whole annoying life. But, um, of course it’s not your job to take care of me. Summer: Of course it is. The best parents make their kids parent them. Phyllis: Take care of your brother. Be gentle with him. He’s a second generation cream puff who doesn’t have what it takes to hang with us. Summer: Maybe Diane can adopt the little bitch. @@@@@@@ Chloe: You can’t ditch me. I’m like the human cold sore. Sally: You want to ride the fail whale across the ocean, be my guest. Chloe: I refuse to fail. I say we march over to Devon and Lily, pay our respects to Neil, and sell ourselves like a basement full of bridal gowns. Sally: Don’t mention Lebron’s sweat towels again, please. Chloe: Lily, Devon, Almighty Neil, I just came over to suck up and self-promote. Don’t say no until you’ve heard us out. Sweat towels. Sally: What Chloe means to say is - look. Let’s get real here, okay. Everyone is talking about Omega Sphere. Because it blows. Dyson wishes they could use it as their core technology because nothing on the market sucks as hard. You might as well plug your controller into a mongoose turd. Devon: Amen. Preach it! Chloe: It’s hard to really describe how much of a colossal failure Daniel’s dumb game will be. The gaming media is going to pump out memes about this suck casserole for decades. What if you could retreat into a beautiful, refreshing, invigorating lounge of shame? Lily: Let us confer. Devon: No need. If the shit’s gonna hit the fan, it might as well be a stylin’ fan. You’re hired. @@@@@@@ Nick: Yo, Chance. Chance: You rich motherfuckers think I can be summoned like a butler. Should I bring you your slippers and smoking jacket too? Nick: Could you? Nick hands Chance a single key dangling from a Hooters keychain. It’s the Shrek slippers next to the shitter. Thanks, bro. Sharon: Um, I think someone from my past is stalking me. There’s a whole sordid tale, but essentially some douchebag beat me up and got sent to prison. I think he might be out and contacting me in creepy ways. Chance: I’m sorry that happened to you. Nick: I got a bruised knuckle from punching the guy. Chance: I’m sure you have a pubic lice playing the world’s tiniest violin. What was this punk’s name? Sharon: Cameron Kirsten. He’s actually the piece of shit everyone believes Tucker and Diane to be. @@@@@@@@ Front desk lady: Here’s your key card, Mr. Kirsten. Enjoy your stay. Cameron: Call me Cam. Say, got a line on any crazy chicks willing to plot fiery vengeance against women they hate? Front desk lady: How do you feel about velour, sir?

Chelsea invited him after running into him somewhere, probably so she could blither blather about her dumb gaming concept. Daniel might have accepted thinking the children would act as a buffer or that Buttbiscuit’s twin tunnels of despair would absorb the sounds coming out of Chelsea’s mouth hole. And if dinner with the egos that ate Genoa City wasn’t punishment enough, now Bluetooth McCrispy wants to hug him, and his horrible sibling is treating his misguided attempt to protect her marriage like a federal crime.

Daniel: Remembers what an asshole his sister is. Lily: Give me some sugar. Lucy: Heheheh. @@@@@@@@ Christine: I need MOAR evidence to persecute Diane with! Chance: Well, you’re up crap creek without a poop knife. The shit is flowing upstream to the Summers sewage containment pen. Christine: I’m supposed to believe a woman who joyfully pancaked me with a car is out there watching Diane twist in the wind? Chance: I could also investigate what’s preventing oxygen from reaching your brain. @@@@@@@ Tucker: Are there any real feelings behind the amazing show we put on at the Abbott Theatre? Ashley: I have feelings for your penis and its capabilities. Tucker: Meh. @@@@@@@@ Sharon: Oh, hey, asshole. How are you? I’ve been thinking about you. Coincidentally I’ve had a pebble in my sandal all day long. Summer: Oh, you know. One day at a time. My brother’s an uptight twat, my husband is a dildo wig stand and my hair is tragic. Sharon: Can I get you anything? Directions to the exit? Summer: Two large coffees and a bag of carbs. Sharon: You reminded me of Phyllis just then. I think it was the word “bag”. As long as you’re an asshole, it will be like your mom never died. Summer: Thanks. Checks phone. A message from an unknown caller: CAW CAW THE EAGLE FLIES AT MIDNIGHT. TBD. @@@@@@@@ Abby: You know how everyone acts like Diane is the devil’s dogwalker? Devon: I guess? Abby: i feel like everyone has forgotten that Tucker McCall is Satan’s pool boy, skimming his Olympic sized fire pit and fanning Beelzebub while feeding him Concord grapes in a saucy manner. Devon: You started on the champagne without me, right? @@@@@@@ Lily: Sorry you had to see that. Lucy: I once watched Grandpa Paul soak in butter for two hours in a desperate attempt to slide him out of his tight pants. Nothing fazes me. Lily: Let me take you guys out to dinner. Daniel: We have plans. How I wish I was scheduled for a root canal or battery acid colonic instead. Lucy: Come with us. Daniel: Trust me. Save yourself. It’s too late for Lucy and me. Lily: Where are you going? I’d love to tag along. Daniel: We’re having dinner with Buttbiscuit, Chelz, Connor and Johnny. I’m wondering if I have the courage to slam my dick in a car door to get out of it. Lily: I live for awkward shit like that. C’mon, Lucy. I’ll explain how Billy Abbott’s transformation into posterior pastry happened on the way over. @@@@@@@ Tucker: You’re just using me for sex? Ashley: Is that so wrong? Tucker: Where do we stand? Fuck buddies? Friends? Lovers? Roomies? Ashley: I suppose you deserve to know. I’m hooked on orgasms. And, my god, your coffee…Perverts would pay five figures to watch you manipulate a hazelnut. Tucker: Great. That and a buck will get me a cup of - never mind. Ashley: I let you move in. Every day, I trust you a microjot more. Every day, my heart opens one sixty-seventh of an inch to you. Now let us prattle on about our totally fake wedding. I’ll begin with a psychotic glee over sticking it to Jack. @@@@@@@ Christine: So his Lord of Mightyness at the Abbott manse has convinced you of the rightness of his cause. Well, la dee da. Chance: Yeah, it’s one strand of long, red hair. But it’s a sign of something. Something dark and oppressive and possibly demonic. Christine: You don’t directly report to me, so I can’t tell you to step off my airtight masterpiece of a case. But the new chief, who wears pants that are properly tailored, won’t take kindly to you doing smart police work or rectifying injustice. That’s not how we roll in the G.C. Chance: When I’m off duty, I’ll pursue the truth like Nicholas Newman chasing a bus with a banana in the tailpipe. @@@@@@@ Sharon: Remember, there are people who love you and care about you. Not me, but somebody, somewhere. Probably. Summer: If you see my dad, remind him I exist. Summer turns to leave and is confronted with the sexy face of law enforcement. Summer: Sorry! Chance: What’s with all the food? Feeding the pigeons? Or perhaps some other kind of bird? Summer: Any developments in the case? Not that I’d pass it on to interested parties who were presumed dead. Chance: The case is closed. Summer: Yay! Another text from Unknown rolls in. It says ROOM 535. CAW CAW. BRING CARRION. KEY IN BACK POCKET. TOTALLY NOT A CREEPER. Summer conspicuously fondles her own butt and pulls a key card out. Huh. Could have sworn that was a wedgie. @@@@@@@ Sharon: I feel so bad for her. Really, nature or nurture, she had no other destiny than to become an asshole. Chance: Clearly. I’ll take all the caffeine you can give me. Sharon: Speaking of giving, do I have you to thank for an anonymous gift? Chance: When I give a lady something, they know who it’s from. @@@@@@@ Daniel: Look who I found! I even told her exactly where I was going and she still came with me. Lily: I hope it’s okay if I join you because I’m sure as hell not going to miss this. Chelsea: Do not usurp my position as the center of the universe and all shall be well. Billy: I, for one, am delighted. By the end of the evening, I’ll have that shit eating grin wiped off Daniel’s face. Chelsea: Oh dear. I guess I’ll have to bother the waiter for another place setting and we’ll have to rearrange all the furniture in the restaurant to accommodate Lily. But it’s fine. What a lovely surprise. Johnny: We could just have a kid’s table and a grown up’s table, like at Thanksgiving. You can sit with Chelsea and Lily tonight, Dad. Connor: Cool. Lucy: Thank god. @@@@@@@ Phyllis: The baby bird returns to the nest. Caw caw! Summer: Caw caw caw! Oh how I missed you. But should you be staying somewhere that a lot of your friends and family frequent? Phyllis: You didn’t know it was me when I swiped that key card down your asscrack like I was charging new shoes to my Visa. Summer: You fooled me, which is really really hard to do. That means your disguise is brilliant and you won’t ever get caught. Phyllis: I called your brother. Haha. I just breathed into the phone and didn’t speak. He knew it was me, right? He could probably feel my maternal love in every breath. Summer: Yeah, he knew. Phyllis: I would never abandon my kids. Never abandon them. I’d never let my children think I was dead. What I did wasn’t about my kids, it was about my understandable fixation on Diane. She caused all the pain you and Daniel felt. Summer: I know. Here are the mealworms and fried unicorn teats you wanted. I hope you haven’t been eating out of dumpsters. Phyllis: Nah. That’s a very prudish use of a dumpster. I’m really quite financially comfortable thanks to a certain velour benefactor. Summer: Gosh, maybe he could testify on your behalf if you’re found. Phyllis: …. Summer: I gotta tattle on Daniel. You’re going to want to duct tape him to a tree when you find out what a little shit he is. @@@@@@@@ Lily: I think I’ll order the parmesan encrusted walrus filets. Daniel: I’m torn between the steak tits and the paella. Billy: I don’t know what to order. I can smell every ingredient in the kitchen and it all smells so good. Lily: You’ll just end up ordering your favorite, the seared crab testicles. Chelsea: Billy’s tastes have evolved. He’s more into sautéed deer taint with candied Funyuns now. Lily: Well, we can all agree on artichoke dip, right? Daniel: We can all agree that it sucks. @@@@@@@@@ Johnny: So we’re decided then. Three burgers, tots, fries and onion rings. Connor: That dork Billy is probably ordering seafood dick again. Lucy: Lily kinda filled me on Billy and his fat ass nostrils. She dated him and now he’s with your mom? Connor: Ugh. And get this. Johnny is my brother. Johnny: Chelsea is my bio mom but I was raised by another lady and my dad. Chelsea forced herself on my dad. I read it in Grampire’s personal book of the dead. Lucy: My bio mom raped my dad! She was so totally fucked up but Phyllis busted her out of jail anyway. Heather raised me and we live in Portugal. Johnny: Grampire paid Chelsea to drug my father. Our grandparents suuuucccckkkk. Connor: I’m getting a new baby sister. My dad, Adam, is having a baby with his ex-girlfriend, Sally. Sally is dating my Uncle Nick. Lucy: Your Uncle Nick is so gross. He spent Phyllis’ service digging for gold in the nose mines. He was in up to his hairy knuckles. Connor: He always rolls them and eats them. I locked my cousin Christian in the garage and the big, dumb baboon still hasn’t let him out. Johnny: I think Christian might be your brother. I heard Mom discussing it once. Connor: Why not? Maybe Dom and Harrison are my brothers too. Lucy: I have two crazy grandmas. They’ve both killed people and tried to kill tons more. I read online they’ve both dumpster dived with Deacon Sharpe, whatever that means. Johnny: Adults are the worst. @@@@@@@ Abby: Prepare yourself. I am going to work myself up into a lather over Tucker. The only big announcement I want to hear from my mom and Tucker is that he’s moving to Sumatra to commune with the coffee gods. Devon: He made me a latte yesterday. I think he is the coffee god. Abby: How dare he smirk around the family mansion. That’s like a billion times worse than me squatting at the Chancellor estate. He even sleeps in my mom’s bed! I bet his turtlenecks hang right next to her dresses. Devon: Maybe if your mom trusts him, he’s given her a reason to? She’s pretty sharp. Abby: Oh I’m getting lathered up now. He can never be trusted. He tried to steal my family’s company! That sniveling little bitch! Devon: It’s hard to keep track of when you’re all in with the Abbots and when you’re not. Abby: If he tries to steal Jabot again, I will fuck Tucker up with a boot to the fucking skull. Grrrrrr. @@@@@@@ Sharon: I got a bottle of champagne delivered with a cryptic note. Detective Kong told me to throw it away, as if I didn’t know. Chance: Hey, when I finally drag Phyllis out of her non-existent grave, I’ll buy you five bottles of champagne. Sharon: I’d like that. I’ll need to be blackout drunk to put up with Phyllis. Chance: It’s kind of creepy, sending champagne to someone anonymously. Want me to look into it? Sharon: Nah. It’s certainly not some degenerate freak from my past. @@@@@@@ Ashley: We’ll have the most extravagant wedding possible. It will take place in a castle overlooking the sea. I’ll arrive via horse drawn carriage and will browbeat Jack into giving me away while wearing a suit of armor. Trained swans will act as the flower girl and keeper of the rings. Why are you looking at me like that? Tucker: I’m dazzled. And a little frightened. Ashley: I thought you’d be all hot for an over the top ceremony. Tucker: When you’re standing next to me at the altar, will you feel anything? Anything at all? Ashley: If I stick my tongue down your throat, will you stop harshing my mellow? @@@@@@@ Devon: Tucker’s retired now. And, no offense, but Jabot ain’t all that and a bag of chips. Abby: What about Dominic? I’m worried he’ll get attached to Tucker and then his grandfather will take the company and run. I want my son to loathe his grandfather because I fill his head with my biased opinions, not because of actual experience. Devon: I don’t even know how to respond. Abby: I’ll beat that motherfucker comatose with a hockey stick if he so much as looks at Jabot sideways. Devon: While your feisty side is exciting, I think you should chill and let me keep an eye on Tucker. If he needs crushing, I’ll do it. Abby: How? Devon: Tucker wants a father-son connection, so I’ll give it to him. If he opens up and admits he’s after Jabot, I’ll warn you. Abby: Good, good. Assume the worst about him and pretend to care in the hopes he’ll admit to skullduggery. Just what history’s greatest monster deserves. @@@@@@@ Summer: Daniel told everyone you’re alive. That fucking drip. He told Jack and Michael and Diane and Christine and Chance and Lucy. He’s out of control with his morality bullshit! Phyllis: Chance and Christine, huh? What was their response? Summer: Chance was all grouchy and Christine doesn’t buy it. Phyllis: Caw caw! Man, you should have seen that bitch bug and Tightpockets laying there in broken heaps with my tire tracks on their backs all those years ago. I just bet that whore is living the dream thinking I’m dead and buried. Summer: Well, um, actually she seems to be trying really hard to convict Diane of your murder. Phyllis: Lying isn’t ladylike, Supergirl. Summer: Daniel did me one favor, I guess. He told everyone you contacted him and set up a meeting. He kept me out of it. I would have hung him out to dry, personally. He’s so friggin’ weak. Phyllis: God forbid you protect your own mother instead of Kyle’s! God forbid. Kyle has no right to be angry. No right! Summer: I know! I’m tired of his “my mom is teh innocent” bullshit. Who cares? I need to make sure you can be as free as Diane. Phyllis: Bring your brother to me. Summer: Hell no. Daniel will roll an ankle sprinting out of here to find a cop. He’s way too invested in not allowing people to rot in prison when they’ve done nothing wrong. He can’t be trusted. Phyllis: I want to hug him. Summer: No! You were right not to confide in Daniel. How could you let Danny raise him into such a squishy do-gooder dumbass? We’re playing this MY way. I’m a big tough grown up who can easily mastermind a clever scheme to protect you. Phyllis: No pressure. @@@@@@@ Chelsea: And so my game will be a beacon of hope, a shining light of optimism to those struggling in the darkness of their own insignificance. Playing it will teach people that if they mess up their own lives, attempt suicide and emotionally burden their children, they too can aspire to transcendence. There can only be one me, of course, but if customers buy my game, they can gain my blessing via pixel. Lily: Your game is bad and you should feel bad. Billy: Enough shop talk. Let’s order dessert. Daniel: Let’s put this evening out of its misery. At least the kids had fun. Johnny: FLIRT Lucy: FLIRT Connor: Knowing look. SULK. Johnny: Lucy and I will be out front, talking about all the stuff I’ve seen Dad inhale. Billy: You can’t throw me under the bus. I’ll just snort it. Chelsea: Connor and I will walk home. Right, buddy? Connor: Whatever. Chelsea: Did something happen? Connor: Let’s just go. Girls are stupid. Billy, Daniel and Lily linger in the entryway. Lily: That was… something. Billy: It was nice seeing you guys. I hope you’re doing well, Daniel. You know, I used to put it on your mom all over the Jabot offices. Daniel: That’s like bragging that you got to eat fries at McDonald’s. Shit eating grin still intact, bro. Billy: Yeah, well, I’m glad you have Lily’s friendship. Ya burnt. @@@@@@@ Chance is outside the no-tell motel where Jeremy Stark took his last breath. He has already searched the room where the murder actually happened, but the plot dictates he find none of the blood particles that must be buried in every crevice and crack. He stares at the trash heap in the alley, puzzling over the teflon coated dumpsters. He wades in, opening his first bag of garbage. Chance: I guess they pick up the trash here once per month. That is very convenient for storyline purposes. Hmmm. Lots of used condoms. I guess the Genoa City elites don’t fuck here. Ahhh, small animal bones. I’m on the trail now. A program from Phyllis’ service? Jesus in jorts, who designed this crap? Someone who clearly couldn’t spring for Photoshop, the cheap bastards. At least use matte paper! Chance makes a call, sexily. Chance: Yeah, can I get a forensics team out to the Booty Call Inn? I’d also like to know if DNA can be extracted from tears. Turns out Crispy might be uncooked after all.

Maybe she hasn’t. But I have.

I just don’t understand what Chance is doing. The Chronicles of Crispy are so badly written and only get worse the more you think about it. The frame job by Phyllis was somehow even dumber and more obvious than Jack’s and Diane’s jewel heist/clown show. Why the fuck was Phyllis holding onto Diane’s ring while on the stretcher? Was that ever mentioned on the two days per week I miss the show? Phyllis could have easily been made sympathetic by having her kill Stark in self defense and immediately reporting it. Instead, she cleans up a crime scene like a professional hitman. The case against Diane is pure shite, and having characters call the evidence strong and overwhelming is not even remotely persuasive. People finding it hard to believe that Phyllis would fake her own death is hilarious. There isn’t a single person on earth who would have trouble accepting that. She’s exactly that kind of person and worse. Chance having these weird, secretive conversations with the victim’s daughter is so unprofessional and inappropriate. He and Christine jump to the dumbest conclusions based on… huffing paint, I guess. I hate watching Jack again acting like an ineffectual ninny to make this bullshit drag on longer. None of it makes a lick of sense.

Victoria: You’re upsetting my routine. I usually lick a rice cake for lunch. Nate: Pale and flavorless is how I roll too. Victoria: We have empires to conquer. I feel like crushing that little upstart Adam as a warm up. Nate: Fucking over one’s family? You’re speaking my love language. @@@@@@@ Victor: What are your plans? Adam: Fruit or granola for sure. But not bananas. Never bananas. Victor: I have many ideas. Adam: Don’t care so don’t share. Victor: Youlittlebastard. You take my expertise and use it, k? @@@@@@@@ Chelsea: I got Connor to school on time. I am amazing. Billy: I had to inhale Johnny’s controller to pry him away from his game. Katie called me a donkey and took off on her bike. Chelsea: I wish we were carpooling. Billy: I don’t. Chelsea: I missed you yesterday. Weird, right? Billy: I miss me when I’m asleep. @@@@@@@@@ Diane: This ankle monitor is like a ball and chain. I can’t wait to be rid of it. Kyle: Boy, do I know how that feels. Summer: I’m here and feeling seen. @@@@@@ Lucy: I’m here again. Just flying back and forth from Genoa City to Portugal like a boss. Pollution. Pffft. Daniel: I have weird news. Kinda bad news. Prepare yourself. Lucy: I’m always prepared for bad news when I visit. Daniel: Grandma Phyllis might be alive. Lucy: But… but… the peace. The quiet. Daniel: I’m sorry. @@@@@@@@ Victoria: I’m going to crush Adam so hard there will be nothing but a grease spot left. Nate: I’m already aroused. No need for more bawdy talk. Victoria: Do you have a problem with me going after my brother? Others would find it distasteful and ice cold. Nate: Hell no. I’ll bring a Crisco can to hold Adam’s remains. Victoria: You’d do that for little ol’ me? Nate: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Except put my part up top. Victoria: Time to go back to work! Nate: Let’s go out separately so that no one catches a double whiff of sex musk in the air. Victoria: Sensitive and classy. I’m so lucky. @@@@@@@ Victor: My advice is free. Adam: And somehow I still feel cheated. Victor: Throw me a bone, k? I haven’t gnawed on one since last week. Adam: Fine. Here’s the plan. Sell all the crap divisions, take that sweet, sweet capital and shove it directly up Victoria’s bony ass. Victor: You’re playing a very dangerous game. Adam: Makes jerk off motion with his hand. McCall is all about the entertainment and media. I’m focusing on its strengths. Newman Media will just have to eat the big old turd taco. Victor: It’s a stupid idea, yougotthat? Newman Media is very strong, very powerful. Start smaller. Adam: I’m done playing it safe. Victor: You are seeking revenge because your sister shitcanned Sally Spectra and gave Newman Media to Nate Hastings. Adam: Nope. Ah, but there’s the good doctor now. Wonder who he was playing doctor with this early in the morning? I bet he was practicing gynecology without a license. @@@@@@@ Daniel: You can check with Aunt Summer if you don’t believe me. She might lie though. She really enjoys lying. Lucy: She’s such an asshole. Just like Phyllis. Daniel: Watch your language. But yeah. Lucy: How does something like this happen? Why fake being dead and then take away all that joy from your family? Daniel: All Stark’s fault. Mom was a helpless victim, swept away in a tide of bitterness and despair. Lucy: Like you were? Daniel: Hell no. Things were bad, but I never carved up a man like a side of beef. Lucy: Gross. Will Phyllis go to jail at least? Daniel: There will probably be charges. God willing and the creek don’t rise. @@@@@@@ Chelsea: You must be very busy. Why else wouldn’t I see you more often? You can’t ignore your spiritual needs, William. Visit my temple and be at peace. Billy: I find your hair and lipstick hard to look at, to be quite honest. But I have been incredibly busy. With Kyle and Jack playing amateur detective, someone needs to keep Marchetti and Jabot afloat. The burden falls to me, not unlike Atlas being given the world to shoulder. Chelsea: You’re Mr. Reliable, a nickname I previously used for my electric toothbrush. I call it Antonio now. Billy: I don’t even recognize myself. Then a stormy day comes along and an open umbrella flies up my nose and I’m like, oh yeah. I never imagined I’d be burning the candle at both ends, putting my nose to the grindstone or using binders with actual stuff in them. Chelsea: I’ve been such a source of inspiration to you. Billy: No one will throw me a parade for doing normal, adult things that everyone else manages to do. I love parades. Dad used to take me to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day shindig to blow up the balloons. I’d just stick a nostril in a valve and breathe normally. Garfield smelled like total ass. Snoopy had a nice piney scent. Chelsea: We simply must talk about me now. I can relate to your feelings of career satisfaction. Working with Daniel has been amazing. It’s so nice to have my ideas appreciated and really listened to. So many people tune me out. Billy: Huh? Chelsea: When can we obnoxiously pretend you and me and Connor and Johnny are a little family and Adam and Victoria and Katie don’t exist again? Billy: Tonight seems doable. @@@@@@@ Summer: So, um, did I hear that Chance was coming here tonight? Kyle: You heard that? You didn’t hear me this morning when I told you your hair was not ready for public consumption. Summer: Sorry I didn’t mention Chance stopping by last night. I totally didn’t realize Jack had this new evidence. Diane: Hopefully you now realize I had nothing to do with Phyllis disappearing. Summer: But you will have everything to do with Mom going to jail. Jack: Well, Phyllis may serve some time, yes, but we can’t let her roam free like a pack of starving coyotes, savaging every small mammal in her path. Diane: I want you to know, Summer, that I don’t blame you for any of this. Summer: I’m 1000% blameless, so back off, cow. I didn’t know she was alive until Daniel sold her out. Honest. I hope your udders get stuck in the milking machine. POUT. Diane: She had us all fooled. It was the ultimate frame up that she and Jeremy pulled off. She’s probably laughing her ass off at me right now and living it up while I’m stuck here with Jack making dopey doe eyes at me and my hat fucking son. Summer: HOW DARE YOU! Mom isn’t living it up. She’s miserable! Kyle: The hell would you know? Summer: That dumbfuck Daniel and his truth telling tour. He told me. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Kyle: Well, well, well the town dick is here. ‘Sup, police penis? Chase: Not your IQ, that’s for sure. @@@@@@@@ Lucy: So where’s your boss friend? Daniel: Lily? Visiting her son. She offered me time off, but I find Chelsea’s inane chatter numbing amidst all the chaos Mom has caused. Lucy: You and Lily totally smashed, right? Daniel: Geez you kids grow up fast. Can’t you just stay my little princess? Chelsea: It’s me, spreading the good word! You’re Lucy! I’m Chelsea, ascendant earth mother, inspiration to millions and Billy Abbott is my jaboyfriend. My favorite color is shit brown, my most underrated fruit is the pear and I gave up a kid for adoption but am determined to have him call me Mama by his sixteenth birthday. We should all get together soon. Are y’all talking about Omega Sphere? Lucy: Double you tee eff. Daniel: Lucy was just dragging the princess’s boobtacular, tit hugging armor. Apparently chicks who play games don’t like to be busty dames. Lucy: It’s not practical! I’m not beating a troll’s azz in a metal mini skirt and bikini top. The nipple pinching potential of chain mail is ridic. Idiot. Daniel: Wait until you see the Easter egg I put in. Ha ha. I wonder if the fool writing this drivel knows what that even is? Chelsea: I want Easter eggs in my game too! One for Connor and one for Johnny. Lucy: You can always name the dumpster your game ends up in after them. Grandma Phyllis has one named after her. @@@@@@@@ Adam: Thanks for your advice. I will give it all the consideration it deserves. Victor: Youhaveanicedaynow. Little fucker. Victor smells one of his own kind - no, wait. That was a mimosa fart. Now he smells his blood kin as she floats wraithlike into the Athletic Club’s dining area. He beckons her with an imperious wave. Victor: Would you care for breakfast or have you already had Nate on a plate? Victoria: Nate and I are involved, yes. We share a mutual love for predatory business practices and burying the competition in sand up to their necks while the tide rolls in. It’s nice to be with someone who embraces ambition the way I do. Victor: I appointed Nicholas the guardian of your virtue. He has doubts about Nate’s intentions. Should he? Victoria: Dad, I place zero value on Nick’s judgment. He’s a fucking idiot. Victor: That’s a bit harsh. Victoria: Nick doesn’t get it. He lacks the killer instinct. He’s a wuss willing to settle for his kid brother’s sloppy seconds. Nate is going to take Newman Media to the top. We make an excellent team. Victor: Watch your back. Adam plans to use McCall to curb stomp Newman Media into submission. Victoria: So be it. The tears of my enemies taste all the sweeter after a struggle. Mwah ha ha! @@@@@@@@ Chase: So why did all you rich motherfuckers summon me here? Where’s this evidence? Summer: I told them all about last night. How we barely got to talk because Harrison briefly became visible and I had to seize the moment. You’re welcome. Chance: Shut the fuck up. Jack: I found a clog in Jeremy’s shower at the no-tell motel he and Phyllis stayed at. The clog was made of red hairs and velour fibers. Kyle: The results are in! Phyllis, you are the father! Diane: Kyle, please. Jack: Well, this proves Phyllis is still alive. Let’s take that ankle monitor off Diane and order Christine to drop the charges. Chance: You shut the fuck up too. Those hairs don’t prove shit. How do I know you didn’t take them off Phyllis’ hairbrush? You probably sleep with it under your pillow. Even if Phyllis stayed there, it could have been before she died. Stark and Phyllis were married. Who cares if they got their jollies in a place where the beds are laminated to prevent stains. Kyle: It smelled gross in there. Like old pennies and bleach. Chance: Typical elitist bullshit, cracking on some poor schmoe who collects old coins and is fastidious. This is all very interesting. Maybe share it with your defense attorney. Kyle: Oh we will. Nice of you to take a break from lumberjacking to come do your actual job. Chance: Your shirt is way more stupid than mine, bro. Jack: You gonna re-open this clusterfuck or not? Chance: I ain’t telling you shit about shit. You tainted the chain of evidence by not calling the GCPD. You two have a history of fabricating evidence. You’re the douchebags who cried wolf. You blew it. You could not have blown it harder if you’d used your brother’s nose, Jack. Fuck all y’all. Diane: That went well. Kyle: GASP! Where’s Summer? @@@@@@@ Audra: Nate! How strange to see you without an office chair stuck to your behind. Nate: God, I’m wearing the same suit I wore yesterday. I confess, puritan police! I was winding Victoria’s clock last night and all morning. Audra: I’m sure it’s very important for her to come on time. Nate: Don’t judge me. Audra: I’m very happy for you. And I can be of use to you as your eyes and ears at Newman. People are talking mad shit about you and Victoria. But me? I got your back. After talking mad shit about you guys to fit in, of course. Nate: I suppose this help has a price, instead of being my due as the royal consort. Audra: This kind of meddling comes at a price. When you ascend to the lofty heights of Newman Enterprises, I would like Newman Media. Nate: Awesome deal. Can’t see how this blows up in my face. @@@@@@@@@@ Summer: Thanks for not blowing up my spot. Chance: No problem, lying liar who lies. Summer: Everyone keeps telling me how to process my emotions. I think Jack is threatening me. When he sees me, he always mutters “dodged a bullet.” Chance: I think comprehension is not your strong suit. These people telling you how to feel, that wouldn’t be Kyle and Daniel, would it? Summer: It’s so annoying. Kyle is so suspicious just because I leave suddenly at all hours of the day, jump at nothing and fly off the handle at the slightest comment. Chance: Let me give you some advice. It should be common sense, but that’s not your bag, I guess. Don’t lie to your husband. Summer: I’m not. Say, can you help my mom get away with everything? I can’t seem to get a commitment on that. Chance: I think it would be easy to get you committed. Look, I want to help. But I need all the bullshit to get gone. Spill it. Summer: Okay. Knocks coffee over so lukewarm liquid slowly flows toward Chance’s crotch. The coffee has a bold flavor and good taste. Summer flees and makes a call right outside Society. Summer: Mom! Mooooom! Mom who is still alive and met me after she buried Jeremy Stark at sea! I can’t take it anymore. You were wrong! People do get pissy about lying. Come back! @@@@@@@@@ Jack: Geez. Kyle: Where is my wife? What if my bouffant needs an emergency spritz? Diane: I feel so bad for Summer. She’s an innocent victim in all this. Jack: She’s an asshole. What say we go out there and hunt down some inadmissible evidence? Diane: I mean, you did hear Chance, right? That little jewelry heist really bit us in the juicy fruits. Jack: Forgive me. I have to be painfully stupid for this story to work. Diane: Phyllis got her idea for playing dead from me. She learned it by watching me! Jack: Don’t talk like that. You didn’t cut a velour hustler to ribbons. Hey, why don’t you think about something happier, like planning our wedding? Diane: Oh, Jack. Read a room.

I find it bizarre that Nick has had sweet fuck all to do with Summer after Phyllis “died”. He has time for unspeakable acts with Sally and to interfere with his sister’s sex life, but nothing for his fucked up daughter. Weird.

Sharon: Whoever is watching me must be super bored. Baby baby baby. Adam: Oh, hey, a baby! Sharon: Cute baby. Baby cute. Baby. Adam: I’ve only raised a son. How do one of these girl things work? Sally: Oh shit. My boyfriend’s brother and also my babydaddy. What evil is he up to? ********** Victor: Mumble. Nick: Picking up some chow for a dude’s night in with my garage attendant. But, uh, let’s talk about your slutty daughter, yo. ********** Victoria: Whatever, whatever, I do what I want. Nate: It’s your superpower. Mine’s follicular division. Victoria: Respect my authoritah! Nate: Fucking A. Elena expects me to send her stuff to a storage facility. So needy. ******** Tucker: Let’s dance. And by dance, I don’t mean your tires waltzing with my back. Abby: Uh… really. Ashley: Go ahead. I want to catch up with Devon. Abby: Thanks for nothing, Mom. ********** Chance: May I speak with the lord of the manor? Summer: I don’t know where Jack is. It’s weird. Every time I enter a room, I see him exiting through another door. In fact, he’s had more doors installed in this place. Chance: I’m sorry Mr. High and Mighty is making you uncomfortable. You must be under so much stress with all this crazy talk about Phyllis being alive. Summer: I’ve accepted it. Honestly, I’ll believe most anything if it’s what I want to hear ************ Sharon: Babies are pretty much the same when they’re born. They eat, poop and cry. It’s like being married to Nick. Adam: Connor is much less stressful to raise and there’s far less shit to clean up. Sharon: I had to wear a biohazard suit on my honeymoon. Adam: Hopefully I’ll be a good and hygienic father. Sally: You will be. You may be a heartless sack of sorrow, but your grooming habits are impeccable. ********** Mariah: We’re on a date. Yay! Tessa: Dates are great! Have we talked about our amazing baby yet? Baby baby baby baaaayyybbbbeeee. Mariah: We haven’t talked about her enough. Tessa: We’ve also been slacking on the topic of our super romantic, problem-free relationship. I love being hauled out for the occasional lovey dovey scene and baby gushing. Mariah: In Genoa City, being as excruciatingly boring as other couples is a sign of progress. ******** Nick: Victoria is banging Nate. Victor: Uh-huh. Youhaveanicedaynow. I must focus on the complete dominance of Candy Crush. Nick: Can’t you hear, old man? Victoria is humping a subordinate. It’s so inappropriate. Victor: raises eyebrow. Nick: This is the one area we share a bond in - policing the virtue of the ladies in our family and casting stern and manly judgement upon them. Jump in anytime, homie. Victor: You think your shit doesn’t stink? It smells like open sewage pits on a hot summer day in Hades, k? Victoria’s may not smell like roses, but at least she doesn’t smear human waste all over her siblings, k? Nick: I don’t get where you’re going with this, but I enjoy a frank fecal father-son convo. Maybe I’ll give Christian the enema talk after supper. Victor: You damn fool. I’m talking about your antics with Sally Spectra. ********* Tucker: Awkward situations like this are like the cherries on the sundae of life. Abby: Thanks for buying Dom that drum kit. And tambourine. And fully functional police siren. Tucker: Bonding with my grandson has been pretty cool. And it’s nice to see Devon with slightly less starch in his collar. I worry that he’ll keep that pole he inherited from Neil lodged in his ass instead of adding it to the Athletic Club shrine. Abby: We took a pole poll and Devon’s ass lost. Tucker: Did I mention that I proposed? As Abe Lincoln once said, how do you like them apples? ********* Nate: I will now engage in whiny manpain disguised as bracingly honest self recriminations. Victoria: That’s so hot. Nate: I know. I mean, I have to own my actions. I was a cheating dog and hurt Elena. I just don’t appreciate all the questions. Victoria: You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You have ascended to a higher plane of being thanks to my vampire lady blossom. Do you have any regrets? Nate: Fuck no. Let’s go get a drink and grind one out. ********* Adam: I’ll just, uh, slink off and stick a fork in the bagel toaster. Sally: He’s upset because I was a raging asshole to him the other day, projecting all of Nick’s more unfortunate qualities onto him. Sharon: In psychological terms, you’ve been dickmatized. Been there, done that, got the kids, the heartbreak and the permanent skid marks in the toilet. Sally: I wonder if the baby can sense conflict? Sharon: I wonder if the baby will sense you fucking her uncle? Sorry. I never get to leave here and it makes me cranky. For crissakes, I’m even babysitting in the cafe. Sally: No, I get it. I’m just hanging onto Nick out of stubborn pride. Sharon: Just focus on enjoying this time with the baby. In a few months, she’ll be out and Nick will commence trying to act like her father. Remember, he helped raise that asshole Summer. Adam: Bored of sending hat emojis to Kyle now. Sharon: I’ll take my leave then. Ha ha. I can only go as far as the outdoor tables. *Sob* *********** Victor: You lash out at anyone who dares question your dalliance with Sally. It is therefore not your place to comment on the proclivities of your sister, k? Nick: Me Nick. Big words make my think hurt! Victor: I have seen many ill-fated romances. I myself once courted Countess Bathory. She kicked me out of the bloodbath because I told the orphan story too many times. Nick: It’s a bit of a boner killer, I suppose. What’s your point? Victor: My point is that when I cast my weary eye upon you and Sally and Victoria and Nate, I do not concern myself. Both relationships will undoubtedly be short lived. Nick: Nah. Sally and I are solid like your pre-Metamucil bowel movements. Nate, on the other hand, is a scumlord who betrayed his own family. Victor: Not unlike you betraying your brother. Nick: Well, I’d be some kind of quitter if I just ended an ill-advised, awkward relationship that was causing everyone involved misery and woe. I’m too legit to quit. ******** Abby: MOM OMG WHAT THE FUCK TUCKER PROPOSED WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU OMG YOU SAID NO RIGHT??? Ashley: It wasn’t serious. It was a lark. A trifle. Tucker: Oh, it was serious. I want to marry this chiclet right here. I was also motivated by trolling Jack and Diane. Devon: Geez, Tucker. Ashley: We wanted to upstage their big engagement announcement. Then that bitch Phyllis upstaged everyone with her stupid murder and didn’t even have the decency to be dead. Abby: Geez, Mom. ********** Chance: So… why are you certain you mother is still alive? I find this change in attitude very, very suspicious. Summer: I just thought long and hard about it. Chance: You expect me to believe that? You thought? Pull the other one. It’s got bells on. Summer: That’s a good idea. That way we can hear you coming and skedaddle. Chance: What’s with all the tension with Daniel? Why do you guys keep fighting? It’s not normal for siblings to fight. Summer: He thinks I’m an asshole and I think his gaming concept sucks shark titties. Chance: Why fight when you’re both right? Summer: Daniel wouldn’t lie about something like this. And Jack has this new evidence… you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t believe in it. It’s just that Mom needs to get away with murder to come home. Can you make that happen? Chance: I can’t help you if you don’t help me. You’re obviously a lying liar who lies. I’m going to arrive at the right conclusion via muddled thinking and astounding leaps of unlogic. Help a dumbass out. Summer: I just can’t imagine what you’re getting at. Can you arrest Tucker McCall for leaving mints on all our pillows? Chance: Weird that Phyllis dropped her truth bombs on Daniel and not you. Daniel has a weird little thing called a conscience. Summer: You don’t have to rub it in that Mom totally didn’t confide in me. Woe is me! POUT. Why oh why couldn’t she tell her little Supergirl? Chance: Newsflash, asshole. Phyllis did contact you and you’ve been lying to your husband, hoping his mother would go to trial for a murder she didn’t commit. Summer: Waahhhh. By the way, could you put an APB out for my dad? Chance: Have you checked up your ass and to the left? ************ Sally: I guess I should apologize for being such an enormous touch hole the other day. Adam: It’s okay. I was way out of line, wanting to co-parent and complimenting you and offering you incredible career opportunities. Sally: I shouldn’t have told you to fuck all the way off and that Nick and I were moving to Mars with your daughter. Adam: Nick is more than welcome to become an astronaut and colonize Uranus. I get that you’re going to cling to this relationship until Nick drains every last droplet of happiness from your soul. But I’m going to raise my daughter. Sally: I just hate all the stress caused by my boneheaded mistake. Adam: You really opened my eyes with your obnoxious lecture. I haven’t been able to think about anything else except what sort of rabid creature crawled up your ass. You care about Nick and that’s… pathetic. You deserve so much better. Sally: God, I give you an inch and you take a mile. Back off. Adam: Yeah. Look, it hurts to be around you. I might still love you, but I accept there’s no future for us except as parents. Plus you smell like bananas, KY and Cool Ranch Doritos all the time now. Sally: You know, this baby really is hypnotic. I can’t look away. Sharon: Thanks for watching her while I attempted to breach the force field around this place. Sally: Nick’s with Christian tonight, so I’m going to be spending my evening staring at the wall of my room until he returns to fill me with purpose. Bye! Adam: Hey, where’d you get this champagne? Sharon: Dunno. It just showed up. I figured it was the champagne fairy. Adam: Pretend it’s from me. Unless it’s full of poison. Then it came from Nick. *********** Mariah: Another fine evening of romance, implied sex and sentimental gushing. And have I mentioned the baby? Tessa: Baby baby baby baby. Baby. You know, both of us grew up without parents who loved and cared for us. Mariah: Oh my. Don’t try to steal Victor’s origin story. Tessa: If I did, then he might get mad at us. That would be interesting. It would be something happening. I see things happening to other people in Genoa City. Why not us? Mariah: My mom has a plot in the works. Maybe we’ll get a few bit parts in that. Tessa: Sigh. Dare to dream. ********* Nate: We’ve barely touched our drinks. I’m going to slowly, sexily walk up the stairs and linger in full view of the room. Everyone will drink in the straight fire that’s going to happen between the sheets. Victoria: You are such a class act. Tonight I should like it a little rough around the edges. Thirty seconds later Victoria: That was splendid. Your soft nipples exfoliated my skin, while your penis offered a workmanlike performance that allowed me to achieve a modest climax. Nate: There’s no need to describe it. Or name it. Ah fuck my life why would Audra be texting my ass right now. Victoria: It’s name would be Aloysius Seymour Rubis III. i’m sure of it. ********* Tucker: What kind of proposal would you like? I am prepared to craft any kind of engagement experience, from the mundane to the fabulous. Ashley: I’ll tell you what I don’t want. Tucker: A mutually respectful relationship where one partner doesn’t dominate the other? Ashley: No, silly. I don’t want anything over the top, gaudy, ostentatious or extravagant. No giant engagement rings descending from the ceiling or rock bands serenading me. Tucker: Well, you’ve emptied out my bag of tricks.

It’s Christian. He’s escaped the garage and is trying to work up the nerve to ask Sharon to parent him again. He hasn’t seen his father since Nick started making banana bread with his brother’s baby momma.

Right? Nick did something just as gross and inappropriate, and he only did it to be a giant douche to his brother. He can take his Mr. Integrity show and perform it at the Up His Own Ass theatre. How weary I grow of his big boy suits and cringe delivery of romantic dreck.

Is this why Nick and Sally are still together?

The tea has already been spilled? Is Josh Griffith allergic to drama and tension? Are sekrits too complicated to plot around? Don’t get me wrong; wondering which side of the head Nate’s part will be on is a generous dose of suspense, but I feel there could be just a few more thrills.

You’ve got a line of Hallmark cards. Admit it.

Adam: You can haz job? Sally: No. I’m too busy being Nickmatized. @@@@@@@ Nick: Nice to put a phone voice with a face. You’re not quite bangable, but I can put sunglasses on in the boudoir. That’s French for screw hammock. Hot damn, things are looking up. Elena, hello. Elena: Nick. Got another LEGO man stuck in your ear canal? Nick: No. God. Are you having dinner? Elena: I live here now. You were right about Nate. Nick: Sweeet. I win the office pool. @@@@@@@@ Victoria: Enter. Nate: Well, I just got in. Dickhead Airlines delivers. Victoria: I was going to ask how your flight from California went, but clearly it crashed and burned. Nate: Since I’m standing here, I don’t feel that’s clear at all. Victoria: Good thing you’re pretty and a pleasant, efficient lay. @@@@@@@ Kyle: Mom’s innocent. Yay! Jack: I’mma shout it from the rooftops! Michael: You’re all going to shut the fuck up. Shut. the. fuck. up. Kyle: Mom’s get out of jail free card is out there cackling and stirring toad juice into a cauldron. How can I possibly shut up? I mean, Summer’s not here and I can finally let the verbiage flow free! Jack: I promised Diane that I would make lofty proclamations and flail about enthusiastically yet impotently proving her innocence. Come on, Michael. Michael: All aboard the Sssshhhh! Express. I’m Michael Baldwin, conductor. You don’t feel like shushing yourselves? I’ll throw motherfuckers from the train. I’m fucking serious here. I will fucking shank all three of you and bury your remains in an old mineshaft somewhere in Dickbasket, Wyoming. Try me. Just try me. Kyle: Geez. Michael: You wanna be a martyr, Saint Kyle the Truthful? Let’s get it on. Diane: It’s all my favorite legal beagles in one room! What’s going on? @@@@@@@@ Adam: No? That’s a risky decision, right up there with putting on that dress. Sally: Risky? Are you threatening me? Adam: I guess? With a large paycheck and a job where you can do whatever the hell you want. Sally: No Newman will ever sign my paycheck! Adam: I could stamp it. Sally: We were lightning in a bottle. It will never be like that again, as my ability to take pleasure in life has gone completely numb. Adam: So, I take it you and Nick arrived at this decision after much discussion and poop tossing. Sally: I came up with it all on my own after Nick had a shit fit. I think for myself. Show some respect. Adam: I respect everything about you, Sally. Sally: Monster. @@@@@@@@ Nick: Only 25 flavors of ice cream? No Chunky Monkey? I’m hitting up that Yelp when I get home. Sometimes you gots to make a stand. Elena: I agree. I must be drunk. Nick: Do you have to work tonight? Elena: No. Someone owed me a shift. Nick: Excellent, because I’m putting my love doctor coat on. The prescription for Inflamed Nate is to treat it like a root canal. Do nothing. Elena: Um. Nick: I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve been the dentist and I’ve been the patient hoping the sexy dental hygienist would cop a feel. Elena: I’m not drunk enough to understand that. But thanks for being understanding, especially since you’ve got your own hot ass mess on your hands. Nick: Adam, Sally and the baby. Yep. It’s complicated, especially for me, but I can tell you this. I’ve never been happier. Nothing like sticking it to your smarty pants sibling. Oh, sorry. Guess I’m rubbing my joy in your face, plus I firmly refused to stick it to Vic for you. Elena: It’s cool. I mean, it’s nice to see someone else making a huge, obvious mistake that will end in tears. @@@@@@@@ Nate: When I got home, Elena was gone. All her stuff was gone, she’d spray painted SIDE PARTS B UGLY on my full length mirror and I think she stole my nipple butter. It’s made with caviar in small batches and farted on by a ballerina before packaging Victoria: Yikes. It’ll be difficult to reconcile if she’s not there. Is that what you’re planning to do? Reconcile? Hint, hint. Nate: Elena and I are broken. I’m not the same man I was when we met. A lovely, competent healer was fine for old Nate. But new, improved, side parted Nate needs a bleached out librarian’s skeleton wearing his grandma’s clothes. Victoria: I was hoping you’d say that. So where do we go from here? @@@@@@@ Daniel: You’re not going to jail, Diane. Diane? What? How? Why? Michael: Because of your brilliant legal counsel, of course. Your ruthless, willing to cut a bitch legal counsel. Isn’t that right, Daniel? Daniel: Something like that. Diane: It’s so very kind of you to say. May I ask what changed your mind? Daniel: I’ve had time to think and it just seems more likely that Jeremy Stark committed this crime. You know what they say; “when the bodies hit the floor, keep your eyes open for velour. Diane: Exactly! I know you’ve been going through hell, and I just want you to know how much I appreciate your support. Daniel: It’s terrible, the way Stark exploited both you and my mother for money and revenge. Diane: What a wonderful, open minded young man you are! Can you tell a judge what you’ve told us? Michael: We’ll keep Daniel’s support in our back pocket until we figure out how to weave it into the narrative I’m creating. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be happy you didn’t cross me. Diane: Your sister is such an asshole that I feared it might be genetic. But you’re good and decent. Phyllis would be proud of you. Not for having integrity, mind you, but for pointing the finger at her real killer. Daniel: I gotta run. Michael: Me too. But I have eyes everywhere, bitches. Loose lips sink ships. @@@@@@@ Sally: You can’t say things like that to me, Adam. What is wrong with you? Adam: Um. Should I smile more when I say I respect you? I seriously don’t get it. Sally: It’s your tone, you dumb fuck. The way you look at me, the way you smile at me. You’re just oppressive. Ugh. Adam: I don’t live in the janitor’s closet in your building and wash my balls with generic glass cleaner. Now that’s oppressive. Sally: Find yourself a nice girl. Settle down, get married. Real Doll prices have come down lately. You’ve got a strong pimp hand to pleasure yourself with. Adam: Just like that, huh? Sally: You deserve it. You deserve someone who sees what an amazing man you are, even though I personally believe you’re a horrible creep. I want you to be an amazing father who looks at his little girl and changes into someone who respects women. Adam: I’m gobsmacked. You smacked my gob. I didn’t even realize my gob was hanging out. That baby girl has already changed my life for the better. And, uh, I have had a kid before. Sally: The baby is yours, but I am not. I’m with Nick. Adam: I’m aware. Sally: You have to let me go. Adam: Honey, I can’t miss you if your joyless ass won’t get gone. Sally: I just can’t do this anymore. You’re relentless and breaking every boundary I’ve laid down and even some I didn’t. I will decide how much of your presence I can tolerate and will report back via carrier pigeon. Adam: Ohhhhhkaaaayyyy. Sally: I shall also draw up a co-parenting agreement which I expect you to sign. We’ll have it notarized. Nick will convey the baby’s health to you via phone via specially coded grunts. Learn them. A birth plan will be emailed to you after being run through Google translator numerous times in a variety of languages spanning the globe. Goodbye, loser. Adam: The fuck was that? @@@@@@@@ Kyle: I must tell Summer. Jack: No. Kyle: If I don’t, I may steal a policeman’s hat and do rude, vulgar things to it. Jack: Why do you need to tell her so bad? Do you think she’d tell you if she knew? Kyle: Of course. Summer is a very loyal asshole. I remember everyone telling me my mom was dead and how much it hurt. Besides, when Summer cries, she does this thing with her lips that makes her look like Mrs. Puff from Spongebob. I’m starting to find blowfish erotic.. Jack: Let me talk to Christine first, even though Michael told me not to. I’ll just run some hypothetical situations by her. She’ll never figure it out. Keep your lips sealed and your bouffant low. Kyle: No promises. @@@@@@@@ Victoria: So… where do you see this going? Nate: You first. Victoria: Let’s treat our relationship like a fortune cookie and add “in bed” to everything. Nate: Cool. Victoria: Of course, we should behave more professionally now that we’re no longer a sexually exploitative boss and her tawdry little side piecepart. Nate: We’re not? Victoria: We’re classy now that Elena dropped you like a hot rock. That’s why we’ll maintain a respectful distance while in the office. Nate: That’s fine. Absence makes the dick grow harder. Victoria: I’m so happy we’re on the same page. I like to keep drama in the bedroom. And occasionally on my desk. Nate: I’d love to smugly celebrate our morally repugnant relationship more, but the spreadsheets are calling to me and giving me a come hither look. Nate leaves the office as Audra steps off the elevator, all aglow from her most fulfilling meddle in quite some time. Victoria: Oh, Natey Nate Nate! Don’t forget the streaming reports when you come tonight! Tee hee. Nate: Can I blame Audra for my dirty dog behavior? Hahaha. I crack myself up. Scapegoat incoming! @@@@@@@ Jack (texting) Wtf Chris, where you at? (/texting) Christine (texting) Running late. Tbh, avoiding you. Might pretend to have screaming shits. No offense, ok?(/texting) Jack’s phone pings. A photo of himself and Phyllis pops up as a memory. Victor: Jagabbott! Hello! Jack: Aaarrgghh! Nosferatu! Victor: You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Jack: Just a vampire. And a demon. @@@@@@@ Sally enters her room to find it lightly decorated, the scent of grilled bananas and Lotrimin perfuming the air. A dinner has been arranged. Nick appears, his suit wearing him far too tightly. Sally: What’s all this? Nick: I need to say something I should have said a while ago. Things have been crazy and complicated, but my brother got up in my grill the other day and said I was a weenie who didn’t love you. Well, in yo face, Adam. I’ve fallen madly in love with you, Sally. Sally: Oh. Nick: Oh? That’s it? I just dropped some primo, panty dropping poetry on your azz after breaking in here to make you dinner. Sally: I know and I appreciate your non-stop effort to make me happy, especially after I spent the day trying to flush a big, stinky turd. Nick: Order a poop knife from Amazon. Total life saver and lots of fun to boot. Sally: You say the sweetest, most respectful things. What brought all this on? Nick: I just realized that no matter how much my parents talk trash about you, it only makes me more horned up. I like to match them zinger for zinger. You can always count on me to get in a pissing match over your honor. Sally: Promise me you always will, you wonderful, lovable man. Nick: Sure. Belches loudly. Sally: I hope you’re not tired, because I think you need to make mad, passionate love to the woman carrying your niece. @@@@@@@ Diane: Mrs. Martinez’s magical cookies don’t seem to be working on you as well as they did Harrison. Kyle: These are the ones she makes for Harrison? No wonder I’m not high as fuck. Diane: Language! I wonder if Jack is having any luck with Christine. Kyle: Don’t get your hopes up. Diane: Too late. Daniel’s support has really gotten me jazzed up. It seems like anything is possible now. Kyle: Fine! God, I can’t take the browbeating anymore. You’ve broken me. Mom, I have to tell you something.