NinjaPenguins

I’ll order one of these too. Tucker: As the Buddha said, kiss my ass.

If someone could embroider this on a throw pillow for me, I’d appreciate it. A cross stitch for the kitchen wall would also be quite lovely. Needless to say, I’m not the Live Laugh Love type, but I believe boes has captured my aesthetic nicely.

I find myself not caring where Tara is. I don’t care if she ever shows up in Genoa City again. Summer and Crispy would just pull some crazy shit, and imagine how many poopy pants faces Summer would make during a custody battle.That being said, Summer should not be taking Harrison anywhere without telling Kyle where they are. I really enjoyed Michael today. He cracked Daniel’s face a few times with the cold, hard reality. Fuckin’ Buttbiscuit with his foray into child psychology. He needs to correct Johnny’s lying before he starts analyzing his bed buddy’s kid. Sure you love hanging out with Chelsea, Johnny. Sure.

I’d like to give Daniel a pass on his bullshit, but it’s not his job to save Asshole’s marriage. It’s going to be worse for Summer when Kyle realizes there’s an extra layer of lies to the whole mess. What disappoints me about Daniel is that he was looking at Summer in horror when she was spouting the same nonsense he was today. He knows it’s wrong and fucked up yet he went all in anyway. I was rooting for him, damn it.

Well I missed half the show. Goddamn it. I turn it on and Daniel is dropping truth bombs all over the place, except for the fact that his sister is a giant, miserable asshole who was never going to admit to covering up her mother’s fuckshit. Summer isn’t worth falling on a grenade for. Well, fuck. Daniel is now repeating Summer’s pro-Phyllis propaganda. Jack should kick his can from one side of the Abbott estate to the other. Lol@ Phyllis being traumatized. She cleaned up that crime scene like a seasoned professional assassin. Double lol@ Daniel thinking he can leverage Diane’s freedom into a Get Out of Jail Free card for Phyllis. Step off, buddy. Christian better lock the garage door. Angry Connor is back.

Daniel: (Text) Can we meet, asshole? (/Text) Ah, never mind. There’s our Lady of Perpetual Pleather. GLARE. Summer: Ugh. How can he wear that conscience out in public. Sharon: How ‘bout a hug? You know, it’s not wrong to embrace the sweet, sweet freedom your mother’s death has given you. Summer: How come Sharon is hugging me? Where’s my one not fake dead parent? ********* Ashley: Welcome to the Vitriolic Monologues. I’m Ashley, and we’ll be doing a special “Diane” edition today. Tucker: Well, the tickets were free. Ashley: Kyle and Jack thinks she’s so wonderful even after what she did to them. Tucker: It’s not natural, people getting over things. Ashley: Now she’s accused of murder! How do we know we’re not next? Tucker: Yesterday I saw Phyllis disguised as a bush outside the Athletic Club. How much longer must this charade endure? Ashley: Diane was the Zodiac Killer, guaranteed. Tucker: Yep, you can use some distraction sex. ********** Adam: I’m in complete control of McCall. Dad says I can do whatever the hell I want and for some reason, I believe him. Ha ha. Sally: You fool. Adam: I know, right? So, what about that job? ********** Sharon: Your dad has supposedly been trying to call you. I didn’t know there was phone service in Sally’s backside. Summer: I’m trying to conserve my energy for being a manipulative, sociopathic shrew. I don’t have any juice left for pulling his finger. Sharon: You don’t have to go through this alone. Whatever you’re feeling is perfectly normal, except for the assholery. Summer: (Phyllis’s voice hisses out from between her compressed lips) People offering me sympathy is the problem here, bitch. Back off. I’m taking your compassionate nature and flipping it back at you. The gaslight is on! Daniel: (eases behind Summer, subtlety flicks drops of holy water on the back of her neck) I need to talk to this asshole, if you don’t mind. Sharon: Good luck. ********* Adam: I’mma dunk all over you like the sassy trust fund baby who gets handed shit on a golden platter I am. Oh snap. Tucker: Yawn. Ashley: Run along, you little shit. Adam: How’s early retirement going? Man, you fucked up that company so bad that what you did is not even wrong. Your up fucking transcends the commonly accepted definitions of right and wrong, good and bad. You’re the Da Vinci of fuck ups and McCall Unlimited is your masterpiece. Tucker: As the Buddha once said, kiss my ass. Adam: How did you even let it get that bad, bro? Ashley: He was busy improving himself, meditating in a turtleneck factory and learning the spiritual art of coffee brewing. Tucker: As Gandhi once said, eat a bag of unsalted dicks. Adam: Meh. Tucker: I really enjoyed you defending my honor. To show you I’m sincere, I’ll do you a solid and mess with Diane’s head later. ********** Sally: You found me yet again. Nick: Yeah. There’s a tracking device in your purse. Sally: I’m going to run something by you and I expect you to be a reasonable, open minded adult about it. Nick: I’m not apologizing to Christian for overturning the Monopoly board. That little shit had no right to build a hotel on Boardwalk. Sally: He owned it. But this isn’t about your poor sportsmanship. It’s about a job prospect. Nick: Me Nick. Me put money in your bidness. Me own it. Me own you. Sally: No, dude. I was offered a job at McCall Unlimited. Nick: Oh, so I can’t make a patronizing offer to make you feel beholden to me, but Adam can? Sally: I gotta find a new set to hang out on. I can’t just sit in that hotel room with you. Especially when you Dutch oven me. Nick: I’m a modern man. I go Dutch. And Adam is a prick who is just using this opportunity to insinuate himself in your life. Sally: Oh, it couldn’t be that Adam appreciates my skills or knows what a great job I did at Newman Media? I kicked that job square in the ass. Nick: It’s easier for him to launch a panty raid if the cupboard is in the office. It’s bad enough you have to co-parent with him, but if you work with him, he’ll trample every boundary you set. He’ll show up without calling, move into a closet in your building and eat all your Bugles in bed. Sally: I’m not naive when it comes to Adam. Nick: It’ll be bad for the baby. As the self-appointed guardian of your uterus, I’ll have to pass. Sally: I’m considering this offer because of the baby. I have a daughter to support. Nick: Your child will be well taken care of as a Newman. Sally: My kid is a Spectra, you chauvinistic tit clamp. And I wasn’t asking for your opinion. Nick: Here it is anyway. If you go to work for Adam, it will be the biggest mistake of your life. The biggest mistake of my life? Eating a gerbil turd on a dare. ********* Jack: Acid tongued, judgmental scold. Ashley: Lovestruck dumb bunny. Jack: I’m too tired for this. Let’s just talk like grown ups. Ashley: Fine. What’s the topic? Jack: All the tension caused by your piss poor attitude. You think you’re so in control of your life, but you’re panting after Tucker like he’s got a solid gold dick. Ashley: You look like shit thanks to all the stress Diane has caused you. Jack: is all this bitterness and rage necessary? Is it worth it? Ashley: Damn skippy. Jack: Learn how to open your heart. Just not to Tucker. Ashley: Nah. You opened your mind and your brain apparently fell out. ******** Daniel: How can you stand there and soak up Sharon’s sympathy knowing that Mom is alive? Summer: Like, what are you even getting at? It’s not my fault Sharon’s too much of a blithering idiot to realize I’m a lost cause. You’re rather self-righteous, which is worse than lying to everyone you meet. Daniel: I’m sorry I’m not more comfortable watching an innocent person get sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit. Summer: Blah blah Diane blah. What about the hell our mother went through? Daniel: Don’t start none, won’t be none. Summer: You don’t even love mom. That’s why she couldn’t confide in you. She knew what a soft ass tapioca tush you are. Daniel: Oh, she called me. I think it was her. Someone called and didn’t speak. Summer: Was it mom? Daniel: They didn’t speak, dumbass. Maybe it was Mom. Maybe it was a wrong number or maybe it was a friend who was wondering why the fuck I was chatting up my dead mom. Can’t you see that we’re both going bonkers trying to hide this? We’re going to trip up eventually. Summer: Sack up, snowball! I just need time. Time to make poopy pants faces while doing absolutely nothing to fix anything. I hate this as much as you do. Daniel: You don’t hate anything as much as I hate you right now. Good luck explaining to Kyle why you let his mother rot in jail. Summer: Oh, so now you’re threatening my marriage? Because it will all implode if you open your big, stupid mouth. I’m struggling. Struggling to give a shit about Diane’s fate. Struggling to pretend to do something to fix this while magically believing somehow Mom can come back to us without me doing shit fuck all. You’re the villain here, Daniel. Caw caw! Chance: I can’t connect the dots without a lot of hand holding, so what was that about? Daniel: My sister’s an asshole. A man in a lead blindfold could see that. Chance: I’ve seen murder unite families and I’ve also seen it tear families apart. Daniel: And? Look, Diane is out on bail. Does that mean there might be some exonerating evidence out there? Other suspects? Chance: You’re not the seasoned homicide investigator your sister is, but I’ll share this with you anyway. One, this sweater is tremendously ugly. Two, the law is going stuff Diane like a Christmas goose. With evidence. Strong evidence. Daniel: This town is fucked. ********** Tucker: You miss the prison yard? The knife fights? Diane: Don’t even step to me, fool. I was 14-0 in knife fights at the county jail and the undisputed Upside the Head champion of cell block A. Tucker: I just want to helpfully point out how fucked you are and offer terrible advice. Diane: Gee thanks. Tucker: Don’t mention it. Let me also add that Jack and Kyle will suffer immensely due to your clusterfuck of a situation. I know you didn’t do it. We all know Phyllis is alive, but reality is no match for the brain genius plotting our lives. Diane: And this would have nothing to do with getting into Ashley’s pants? Tucker: I’ll be crossing the pubicon powered by natural charm, thank you very much. Now is that ankle monitor a model X24? I’ll get my toolkit and see what we can do. Diane: I’ve had my fill of tools, and by that I mean you. ******** Chloe: Did Jill reconsider? I was worried that a portfolio full of animal print leather would wreck our chances, but yay if she’s into that. Sally: Adam offered me a job and said I could hire whoever I wanted. Naturally I’d hire you. Chloe: Never! I will never work for Adam, depend on him for a check or spit on him if he catches fire. You shouldn’t work for him either. Remember the black hole he sucked you into last time you worked together? Sally: It was complicated, but that was ages ago. Chelsea is occupied with renting Billy’s nose out as a mobile parking garage now. Chloe: You’re backing out of our deal? Why not let Nick invest? Why is that bad but Adam’s crap ass job offer is good? Sally: Honestly, Adam is better in bed. I know that shouldn’t make a difference, but it does. Sometimes Nick is done before he climbs into bed. Chloe: Why would you want to take a challenging, fulfilling job alongside someone you have to co-parent with too? That’s crazy talk. With Nick bankrolling us, he can hover over you at work in addition to crawling up your ass every free moment he has. Now that’s romantic. Sally: Believe it or not, I am capable of making decisions about the direction of my own life. Chloe: I liked you better when Nick did your thinking for you. Harrumph. ********* Diane: Tucker was hardcore trolling me today. Jack: That knave! Where’s my slapping glove? Diane: Eh, Tucker just makes his own fun. Plus he’s trying to ease me out to get a golden ticket to Ashley’s bedroom. Jack: Ugh. Diane: He made some good points, like about the misery I’m about to cause you and Kyle due to my trial while Phyllis skulks around in increasingly crappy disguises. Jack: We’re engaged. I love saying that. Don’t you love hearing it? Diane: For a few seconds, I was really digging what he was putting down. I wanted to panic and run and disappear again. Jack: Talking like that only deepens my commitment to you. Diane: I won’t give up, but we have to make things easier on Summer. I won’t be responsible for ruining my son’s marriage. Surely Summer can’t accept her mother is still alive and hasn’t been in contact with her. That would be evil. Jack: Of course. Summer is as sweet as they come. ********* Nick: Hey, Adam, I walk like this because I have mondo balls I gotta make mad space for. What were you even thinking? Adam: Not about your balls. Thanks for nothing. Nick: You offered Sally a job? At McCall? Why the fuck would you do something like that? Adam: She’s good and she likes a challenge. Obviously. Nick: You can’t even free ball in these dress pants. It’s extremely irritating and now you’re all up in my girl’s grill, trading jobs for sex. I’m taking the safety off my fist, bro. Adam: You look like a Wall Street douche bro who high fives his buddies every time he puts someone’s grandma out on the street. Nick: Mom said I looked like a swaggering exemplar of American entrepreneurship. I suspect it’s a compliment. Adam: You’re very insecure. Nick: Bro, Sally and I are in a committed, stable relationship. I’m not threatened by you. Adam: Is that so? You getting married? Are you even engaged? Nick: Your question did NOT just make me poop a little. I meant to squeeze out a Hershey’s Kiss. Adam: I believe in Sally and I love Sally. Can you say the same, bro? (Drops mic) Nick: Where did he pull that out of? ********** Daniel: (texting) We have to meet, Jack. I need to tell you something. Of course, when you show up, I’ll talk in circles, hem and haw and try to drop obscure hints while you sit there and squint at me with concern. This will probably last until the end of the episode. Man, fuck this show.

I hate it when I miss out on prime Tucker time. Did Nate happen to mention to Sharon that he was a cheating dog? I’m feeling increasing amounts of disappointment with Daniel. Just fucking tell someone!

Kyle: Mommy! Mommy! Diane: There’s my big bouffant boy! Here, I got you a plastic shiv at the prison gift shop. Kyle: Yay! Jack: BEAM. *********** Devon: Mom? Harmony: There’s my handsome bald headed boy! Devon: You look great, but… like, how did this even happen? Harmony: Tucker McCall. Tucker: BEAM. Devon: STANKFACE. ********** Diane: It’s wonderful to be home, but I doubt Summer will be so welcoming. Kyle: Yeah, I’m sorry I married such an asshole. I keep trying to convince her you didn’t murder her mother, mostly to be a dick. Jack: The real evil here is not someone suspected of murdering Phyllis. Wait until you hear about our new roomie. Kyle: Tucker the Fucker. Diane: Tucker McCall? Ew. And watch your mouth, Pompadour. Jack: He offered me coffee! It smelled heavenly, but I won’t be seduced by the dark and silky elixir of the gods. Diane: That deviant probably grinds his own beans. Kyle: I did that for, like, three hours yesterday. Heheheh Diane: Ashley invited him, right? Jack: She thought she had the right to move someone into her house just because I did. Ash is trying to prove a point. Ugh. I think she has feelings for that scamp. Kyle: Shhhh. Summer just came in. I guess I got ripped off by that dude I bought the asshole sniffing dog from. All that mutt does is nuzzle my butt. ********* Devon: That was a wonderful gesture, Tucker. Thank you. Tucker: You’re welcome. I’m sorry that I’m practically vibrating with poorly concealed flex energy. Harmony: Now would be a good time to recap our lives since last we met. Devon: Please be vague, if you could. Harmony: I can’t wait to get my hands on that grandson of mine. He was such a cute bag of flour in those pictures you sent me. Devon: He’s an adorable pastry now. Harmony: You and Lily are talking again, working together… Devon: Months of fighting only to land back at the status quo. Yipee. Harmony: Ana wanted to be here, but she’s on a tour with Jett. They’re playing derelict malls across America. Devon: Gosh, I really wanted to see her too. Said no one ever. ******** Nate: Keep it together, man. No one needs to know your ego was punctured like a Nick Newman inflatable sex doll. Ladies, what a lovely welcoming committee. Nikki: Is Victoria coming? Where’s Elena? Nate: Uh, I gotta go check my part. I don’t know anything about Victoria coming. Elena, um, had a rough day. Byeeee. ******* Summer: Diane? How did you get here? Did you escape from prison? Diane: No, dumbass. Michael arranged bail. I’m sorry. You’re just really annoying. Jack: I know this is a bit of a shock, Summer, but Diane is innocent. We’re going to do everything we can to find the real killer. Maybe it was that hag in the poorly made wig who crashed the memorial. Diane: That was Phyllis. Hello? Summer: Must deflect this strange feeling. Is this… guilt? Mom says we Summers are allergic to it, even more so than peanuts. Hey! If Mom hadn’t married Dad, I’d be Summer Summers! Whoa. Kyle: We can all find a way to coexist. Look at my pecs co-existing in this shirt. Summer: You’re responsible for setting Mom’s death in motion, Diane. The chain of events started with you luring Jack to LA. Ha! I can still blame you and sleep at night. Diane: Let me explain something to you, Summer. I’ve already prepared some visual aides to make it easier for you. ******** Victor: Neil was my friend, k? He was one of the few people I trusted. He never took the pointy stick out of his ass and staked me with it. He was a brilliant businessman, k? The best tribute to Neil is that his two children are not perverts, criminals or serial sexual harassers. Family is everything. Here’s my fist. Devon: Thanks for what you said, Victor. It meant a lot. Victor: It came from the Abbott heart I’m holding prisoner. Abby: It was beautiful, Dad. Victor: Are you a friend of Devon’s? Youhaveanicedaynow. ********** Nate: Hard to believe it’s been four years. Devon: Yup. Thanks for coming, I guess. You’re the only one who entered the lounge with your tail between your legs. Nate: Thanks for the invite. This lounge is the perfect tribute to Neil. Abby did a great job. Devon: She bought a few throw pillows. Nate: Neil did love throw pillows. Give him jazz, a hot dog and some pillows and that man was content. Devon: Where’s Elena? Nate: I just remembered that I need to talk to Lily. Devon: Scumbag. ********** Mariah: I need gossip. I know who Harmony is. I don’t know why Ashley is staring daggers at her. Sharon: When Ashley and Tucker were married, Tucker and Harmony had a moment. Nakedly. Mariah: Juicy. Sharon: I also partook of the sexytimes with Tucker. McCall Unlimited isn’t just the name of his company; it describes his technique as well. Mariah: TMI. ********* Abby: I must admit that Tucker did a good thing for Devon. He was touched. Ashley: I told you so. Abby: He’s talking to Harmony. Should I get my keys? Ashley: Relax. I’m going to say hello and pee on my man. Abby: TMI. *********** Lily: You look depressed. It’s okay if you want to leave the place where your mom quote/unquote died. Daniel: My conscience is really bothering me. It’s like after you deuce and you wipe and wipe and wipe until there’s no brown left on the TP. A half hour later, your ass itches like crazy and you can just feel the skid marks forming. Lily: I’m starting to understand your’s and Heather’s break up better. Daniel: Some logs leave a little pitch behind squeezing through the mill. I know it was wrong to hoard Charmin during Covid, but if you buy a bidet in Georgia, you get put on a watch list. Lily: Everyone grieves differently, I guess. Daniel: I’m here to support you tonight, not wallow in the grim knowledge that I’ll never escape my mother’s talons. Speaking of grim reminders of dark creatures, you’re going to New York to visit your son with the moo moo thief. Lily: I was able to divorce him. You’ll always have an asshole for a sibling. ********* Harmony: It’s amazing that Devon’s not more fucked up, growing up here in Genoa City. There’s some really messed up people walking around. Tucker: Right? Well, the smile on Devon’s face is all the reward I need for calling you. Harmony: You’re really putting in the effort to connect with him. Tucker: It’s probably best we didn’t raise him. Doing the right thing is kind of a new kick I’m on. He would never have developed a steely rod of righteousness up his ass under my care. Ashley: Harmony. What a wonderful surprise for Devon. Tucker: I can hardly contain my glee. Am I smirking? This tension is almost as delicious as my coffee. Harmony: Nice to see you again, Ashley. It is strange being back here after all this time. A lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same too. Ashley: The fuck is that supposed to mean? Harmony: Ease up, jizzjacker. I’m talking about the connection between you and Tucker. Tucker: I’m just out here living my best life. ********* Diane: See this ankle bracelet? It means I can’t leave the Abbott property. I will, however, stay out of your face. Another thing? I’d never take your mother away from you. Seriously, if you can find someone selling cheap wigs out of a trunk in an alley, you can probably can find Phyllis. Summer: POUT. You’re going to be here 24/7? That’s almost every day! Diane: You won’t even know I’m here. Summer: This is where I live! I’ll have to see you all the time! Why me? Why now? Jack: Um, it’s a really big house. I could go years without seeing you. That’s the dream anyway. Summer: And now some do-gooder is texting me! I’m happy for you guys, but I’ll never celebrate. Never! Caw caw! Kyle: My soul just died. Diane: She didn’t flap her wings, at least. Kyle: It’s strange. This is the second time Summer has received a text and flown the coop. I think the two might be linked. Jack: Ya think? Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let Summer get the assholery out of her system. Kyle: No. I can do detective work as well as Chance can. My trusty new dog and I will solve this mystery. Come on, Recto! Diane: We have a dog now? Jack: Tucker’s already moved in. What’s one more? ********** Nikki: We simply must get home. I can only rub elbows with the common folk so long before I’m overcome with the vapors. Neil was a good friend to Victor and me, and we shared his love for the old money funeral home waiting area aesthetics Abby recreated here tonight. Brava, young chippy. Victor: Devon, it is a great honor to have you in our family, k? You make my daughter very happy. I didn’t know you and Victoria were dating. Abby: Oh, dad. Nikki, you were a tough act to follow. The bicentennial party totally killed. Tee hee. Nikki: Tsk, tsk. If no one is murdered at your soirées, can they be called elite? Speaking of Phyllis’ fatal faint, I see Lily is deep in conversation with poor Daniel. Please give her my most aloof regards. Ta ta. Nikki swans out the door of the lounge, past the inexplicable and expressionless women in dark blue dresses. Victor transforms into a bat and his leathery wings carry him through a slight gap in a window into the night. Malcom: I thought those snotty bitches would never leave. Lily: Uncle Malcolm! Now we can really worship Dad! ******** Daniel: Who the fuck is out there? That better not be you, Mom. Summer: It’s me, dude. I was trying to ninja my way in here. I think some perv with a dog is following me. Daniel: Maybe it’s Mom in another shitty disguise. Summer: Stop making me meet you here. We’ll get caught. A brother and sister talking in a park is wicked sus. Daniel: I checked the fuck cupboard and wouldn’t you know it? Bare! No fucks. Summer: Have you tried the fuck store? Daniel: You don’t get to talk anymore. You get to listen. My conscience is killing me. I was supposed to be supporting Lily at Neil’s celebration tonight, but since it’s where Mom fake died, everyone was smothering me in sympathy I don’t need or deserve. I can’t sleep at night knowing someone is going to be tried and convicted for a murder that never happened. Summer: Can I talk now? Daniel: No! We’re going to march our asses into town and tell everyone everything. Then we’re going to hire a falconer to locate our mother and bring her ass home. Summer: POUT! ********* Malcolm: There he is. The man, the myth, the legend. Nate: Aw shucks. Malcolm: I’m talking about Neil, you putz. Shine on, big bro, shine on. Nate: Speaking of me, Neil was instrumental in my becoming a doctor. I wonder what he’d say if he could see me now. Malcolm: Inside, he’d be cussing you out with obscenities that would blow your part across your stupid head. Neil would tamp that down and offer you some warmed over pablum about following your heart. Lily: You weren’t able to come to Phyllis’ memorial, huh? Malcolm: Phyllis? She’s got a nest at the airport, near the control tower. I waved at her. Besides, you know why I showed up tonight? Because if the situation was reversed, Neil would damn sure show up for me. Phyllis wouldn’t show up with a cup of cold water for a man dying of thirst in the desert even if she could piss a pristine freshwater lake. Harmony: Such beautiful imagery. You know, it occurs to me that every good thing Devon and I have now is because of Neil. He lifted people up. Oh, I realize everyone is flocking to this new religion around Chelsea Lawson, but Neil Winters is where it’s at. Everyone: Amen. Abby: Devon, are you alright? Devon: I’ve just come to a life changing decision. Abby: Please don’t propose. Devon: I’m not asking you to change your name. I’ll change my name. Abby: Devon Newman? Devon: Devon Winters. Damn, woman. What do you guys think? Harmony: Beautiful. There is no higher name. Lily: Finally! One of us, one of us. Malcolm: Welcome to the family. Neil would play it cool, but he’d be a mess inside. Just don’t bring shame to the name, alright?

Elena should take a spin on Nick. At least he won’t be attracted to Victoria, and we know he doesn’t know enough about business to jibber jabber about it. Yes, I know it’s a terrible idea. I like Elena and sticking her with Thick Nick is cruel. Also, there’s no way to guarantee that he won’t get horned up over his sister; ladyparts and a pulse seem to be his only standards. Maybe Noah. During the baby shower, she convincingly acted like he was interesting. That’s no mean feat.

If loving this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Lily: What a magnificent shrine. The best way to honor my late father is to remember one of our many banal conversations. Daniel: La la la denial. Lily: You shouldn’t be here! @@@@@@@@ Abby: This memorial is going to be lit, y’all. Devon: All your memorials are lit. Lily told me she saw Phyllis at her own service. Like wow. Everyone else was pretending not to see her, so she played along. Abby: Diane said the same thing. Devon: Tucker stopped by earlier. He wants to do a worldwide jazz festival and briefcase expo with Neil’s name attached. Abby: Where the fuck does he get off? Devon: He’s trying to make amends, and I appreciate that. He just needs to remember tonight isn’t about him. It’s about Neil and the stick up the ass I inherited. @@@@@@@ Adam: Hey, Crazy Chipmunk. Let’s tell Connor about the baby. Chelsea: I shall bestow my judgement after deep thought. Adam: I can spare five seconds. Go for it. @@@@@@@ Sally: Oh fuck. I forgot the pregnancy padding. Let’s quickly cut to a flashback. Ew Victor. Misogynist pigfucker. Nick: Me Nick. Me put booger on neighbor’s door knob. Nick sorry. Sally: Oh. I wasn’t expecting you to come by tonight. HINT HINT. Nick: Well, I found out about Dad’s summons, so I thought that was a pretty keen excuse to drop in and treat you like a delicate flower. Plus I need to low key brag about my fly being zipped all day. @@@@@@ Ashley: Are you sure you want to go full Tucker tonight? Tucker: I can’t turn it off, babe. @@@@@@ Devon: You know, I’m not the only one starting to fall for Tucker’s charm. Your mom is starting to trust him too. Abby: Please. Devon: I am struggling to pretend I get no pleasure in telling you this, but Ashley asked Tucker to move in to the Abbott house. Abby: Excuse me. I have to rage text. @@@@@@ Ashley: I’m very proud of you for making this effort with Devon. Tucker: Thank you. And thanks for talking to me like I’m seven. Ashley: You’re welcome. Tucker: Any word from Abby? Hehehe Ashley: Well, she just texted me a GIF of a burning turtleneck. Tucker: She knows. @@@@@@@ Daniel: What’s the big deal? Lily: This is where your mom collapsed, duh. I mean, we’re still pretending she’s dead, correct? Daniel: What? I mean, yes. Hey, I can’t avoid this place forever. Besides, I need a refreshing, inspired place to hang since Noah’s joint disappeared into the ether. This is the coolest place in town now. Jesus. Lily: Yeah, you’re trying way too hard. Devon: This shrine is perfect. We’ll bring out the Silver Briefcase of Righteous Justice after the speeches. Yep, there’s gonna be a lot of love in this room tonight. Hey, Daniel, we still rolling with the whole Phyllis is dead thing? Daniel: I’d appreciate it. @@@@@@@ Chelsea: Having prayed to myself, the way is clear. We can tell Connor after soccer practice. Adam: Okay, but first I’ll need to forget what normal boy behavior is like. Chelsea: Amen. @@@@@@@ Abby: Mmmmoooommmm. Why? Ashley: Because I can? Abby: To be perfectly honest, moving in with Tucker is desperate and pathetic. Ashley: I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it. Abby: Ohhhh, I get it. You’re trolling Uncle Jack. Ashley: When I look at Tucker, I see a good man, a brilliant lay, and, oh yes, someone who is single and ready to mingle. He’s unattached, flying solo. Pathetic is being a side piece. Abby: I feel… burnt. Ashley: May I see my grandson? Abby: No you may not. @@@@@@@@@ Sally: How did you know I went to see Victor? Nick: I chipped every pair of earrings you own. Um, I mean Adam told me. Sally: Huh. Well, I handled Victor just fine thanks to Adam’s advice. I wore pure silver, ate six cloves of garlic and kept a hemlock shiv strapped. He must have already fed, because he didn’t even look at my neck once. He was quite civil actually. Nick: Tell Nick what Big Daddy say. Sally: I’m fine telling you, but will you be fine hearing it? I haven’t forgotten that your feelings are the number one priority. Nick: Is this a riddle, like if a tree falls in a forest and a squirrel was humping a nut in it, would the squirrel survive? I’m so bad at those. @@@@@@@@ Mariah: So like it’s totally weird seeing me right? Daniel: It used to be. Turns out there’s some pretty weird shit going on right under our noses that puts this to shame. Lily: Let Neil’s memory soothe you. Mariah: It must be difficult, being here at the site of your mother’s untimely death. Daniel: Not as difficult as you’d think. Who wants a drink? @@@@@@@ Devon: Hey, how’d it go with your mom? Abby: She was kind of offended that I called her a horny harpy. Devon: You guys still cool? Abby: I guess so. I don’t understand why she doesn’t appreciate my relationship advice and wisdom. That’s where I really shine. Devon: Hey, didn’t you run over my biological father and let your mom take the blame? Abby: Sigh. Tonight is about Neil, Devon. God. @@@@@@@@ Sharon: You know, people forget that Dru was helped off a cliff by Phyllis. Nikki: Oh dear. I’m sure it was an accident. St. Phyllis would never take someone’s mother away. Sharon: Oh sure. Wink wink. It was accidentally on purpose. Anyhoo, Dru and Neil raised some great kids. Ashley and Tucker enter the lounge. Tucker smoothly pushes up an imaginary pair of glasses with his middle digit in Victor’s general direction. Nikki: Before you go interrogate Ashley about her thing with Tucker, remember that this night is about Neil. Victor: I didn’t give her permission to date Tucker McCall, k? Newman brood mares must consult with me, yougotthat? Tonight though, I don’t give a damn. Orphanage. @@@@@@@@ Sally: Basically… Victor tried to barter with me. I could have a business, ten miles of snakeskin and a horsey if I gave him what he wanted. Nick: What’s the catch? There’s always a catch. Please tell me he didn’t ask you to tickle his balls with a cat toy. Sally: That’s really specific. But no, he didn’t. He just wanted me to give him my baby to raise. Nick: I’m going to hulk out. Give me space. I’m pretty sure the transformation is almost complete. My poop has been hella green since yesterday. Sally: Victor wants me outside the Newman fold and away from his sons. Nick: I don’t understand how he’s succeeded in life with zero understanding of people. I mean, I can read people’s feelings. I just ignore them. Sally: Yeah, I feel so - Nick: Not now, Sally. Adam and I are going to tag team on this. Dad is not going to treat you like a second class citizen on our watch. I’m going to go wipe that booger off that door. It was kind of shaped like Bugs Bunny and I want to keep it. Sally: You’re not going anywhere. @@@@@@ Lily: Thank you all for coming out to help celebrate Genoa City’s newest municipal holiday, Neil Winters Day. Devon: First, I’d like to give props to Abby Newman for making this lounge look amazing… ly like the reception area of a funeral home. All while dressed like a bottle of Neil’s favorite digestive medicine, Pepto. Give it up for Abby. Lily: Let it be known that the first child born in January each year within the limits of Genoa City will be named Neil. Our family thanks the Genoa City council for this great honor. Devon: We have a pianist who will be playing Neil’s favorite songs. Beverage aficionados will want to visit the bar to sample our cocktails and mocktails. The Silver Briefcase of Righteous Justice will be passed around later, Sunday church style, with the money collected going toward the new Neil Winters Boathouse Clinic and Jet Ski Rental. Lily: We’d love it if people shared remembrances, funny stories or sermons that Neil gave them. My dad had an enormous pole lodged in his rectum that infused him with pious platitudes we still cherish to this day. Devon: Honestly, after a while, you don’t even know it’s there. @@@@@@@ Connor: Oh. Dad. I kinda needed to talk to Mom. The kids at school say she’s eating buttbiscuits for breakfast and I don’t know what that means. Chelsea: I’ll explain later. We’re having a family meeting. Connor: Is this about my history project? If Grandpa says George Washington died in a werewolf swarm attack, I believe him. He was there, guys! Adam: No, nothing like that. Our family is going to have a new member soon. Sally is going to have a baby. Connor: Cool. A new cousin. Good for Uncle Dodo. Adam: Yes, Nick is dating Sally, but I’m the father. That means you’ll soon have a baby sister. Connor: You guys aren’t together anymore but are having a baby? That’s super messy, Dad. Chelsea: No more messy than dropping a biological brother conceived, um, forcefully on you, amirite? Adam: Families come in all shapes and sizes. The Newmans, for example, are shaped like an inverted pentagram. Connor: Are you cool with this, Mom? Chelsea: Yes. Hey, she’s your sister. I like her already. Connor: Cool. Can I go play Fortnite? Adam: Do you have any questions? Connor: No. i know what Uncle Dodo is up to. You should give him a titty twister, Dad. Adam: See, this is why no one can ever take your place in my heart. Go play that game, kiddo. Connor leaves. Adam: He’s devastated. Crushed. What have I done? Chelsea: Bask in my earth mother glow and be comforted, my child. @@@@@@@ Nick: Nick go where Nick want! Nick leave. You sleep. Sally: Don’t go sucker punch an elderly man. Nick: I was just going to replace his toothpaste with Prep H. Try gnawing on the bones of the innocent with chiclets, old man! Sally: I get it. I’m so offended that he can’t see that I’ve changed. Like being a carny is worse than leaving a mustachioed baby where people can find it. If I’m so gross, why are both of his sons crazy about me? Nick: I’m just here for the lulz at Adam’s expense. Sally: How could he think I’d value anything above my daughter? Nick: Dad once tried to sell Abby for stock options. Well, bye. Sally: I could always use my feminine wiles on you. Nick: Wiles? You know fancy words give me a nosebleed. Sally: Spoon me. NinjaPenguins pauses to work through the dry heaves. @@@@@@@ Devon: We will now open the floor to Neil worship. Harmony: Yay, I’m not too late!

I never watched the ABC soaps, so my only experience with PB is on Y&R. I’ve loved him as Jack since the moment he showed up. If I’d been able to have children, any boy was going to be named Jack Abbott Penguins. There have been years of the character being used as the show’s punching bag (same with Sharon), but PB gives it his all. To relate all that glurge back to current episodes, I’m not a real fan of sentimental, lovestruck Jack and I absolutely cringe at some of the cornball, overly earnest dialogue coming out of his mouth. You know, I don’t get Summer’s big worry about Phyllis going to prison. At least she’s alive and not Crispy, and apparently you can visit murderers behind bars daily whether they want you to or not. It’s honestly the best of both worlds, if Dumbass would just open her eyes. Her mother’s alive, Summer can visit her when Summer wants to, and best of all? Phyllis is contained and can’t physically crawl up her kids’ asses any time she needs attention. Live the dream, Summer!

I just write them here. You could definitely feel the hostility and disgust leaping off the screen. I don’t think Allison Lanier is bad by any means, but her go-to expression of cheek puffing and pouting reminds me of a kid being told they can’t have candy in the check out aisle of the grocery store. It can sort of deflate the more serious moments. Speaking of deflating things, I’m pretty sure I heard Nate’s sphincter slam shut when Elena told him that maybe this was what he was all along, the “this” being something unspeakable like dog shit soufflés served on a bed of Nick’s toe jam. Her contempt was real and spectacular.

Daniel: Let’s play another round of Is My Asshole Sister Crazy! Here’s Summer, my asshole sister. Summer: Thanks for having me, Daniel. I’d like to repeat my whole spiel about Mom being alive after tailoring Jeremy’s velour shell with a pair of scissors. Ask the cops how he died. You’ll see. Daniel: It… it was so quiet. Summer: Mere mortals couldn’t survive such a villain, but our mom is something special. Daniel: If by special you mean summoned by a ouija board, sure. ********* Michael: Good morning! I’ve been doing some bad ass lawyering and the flex is on. Diane: Oh lord. Michael: Kyle’s pompadour has reached heights of smug never seen in follicular history. Diane: I’m actually glad that Jack and Kyle ignored my repeated and persistent pleas to fuck all the way off. I mean, not really, but I guess I’m supposed to find their unwanted presence charming and loving. Michael: We’re going to bust you out of here, sunshine. ********** Jack: What the fuck? Billy is still making payments on the Jaboat? Sell that thing and get me the cash right away. I need bail money. Ashley: What’s happening? Jack: Eat dirt and die, trash. How dare you move that slime mold into my house at a time like this! He’s a scoundrel! A bounder. A lothario, even. Ashley: At least he doesn’t spend his evenings reading a thesaurus. ********** Tucker: How about some coffee? Devon: Nah. Tucker: No one wants my coffee. I offered some to Jack wearing my sauciest smile and you know what? Turned down flat. It was so good, Devon. Devon: I just don’t feel right leaving work for a cup of coffee. Tucker: Okay. How do you feel about a steaming mug of the Neil Winters International Jazz Festival and Briefcase Expo? I’mma announce it at the shindig tonight. ********** Daniel: I’m pissed off. If rage was candy, I’d be motherfucking Willy Wonka. Summer: I know. I saw your suffering and just had to tell you the truth. I’m such a good egg. Daniel: You’re an asshole. Summer: Jeremy Stark forced mom to do all this. Daniel: Nobody forces mom to do anything. Next. Summer: Okay, but what about her feeling like everyone was against her? Diane stole her life! She stole Jack! Daniel: Makes Price is Right showcase loser noise: She could have had Jack anytime she wanted. He would have dropped everything and went running if Mom snapped her fingers. She had years to land Jack. She only wanted his ass because Diane had it. Summer: Check this out. We abandoned our mother. We had the nerve to get mad at her just because she crossed every boundary we drew. Daniel: You’re blaming us? Dad raised me right, so I’m only slapping you silly in my head. It’s so cathartic. Summer: I don’t know what that means. Daniel: It means I rue the day you were born. ********* Ashley: You never asked anyone here how they felt about Diane moving in, so stick it up your self righteous tailpipe. Jack: That’s different. I moved Kyle’s mother and Harrison’s grandmother into my house. Ashley: Stop hogging the house, Jack. Dad would so ground you. Jack: How in the hell are you going to explain Tucker to Harrison? You’ll taint that child’s innocence with your tawdry dalliance. Ashley: How did you explain his father’s humping the pom pom off a winter hat? I’ll just explain that he’s Aunt Ashley’s friend. Jack: What if he and Diane run into each other? Think about that. Ashley: Bitch be in jail. Jack: Not for long, sucker. ******** Victoria: This column here is showing so much growth, which really excites me. I never expected such big numbers. Nate: Your analysis of my skills gives me great pleasure. Victoria: My etchings… did you like them? Nate: They were technically impeccable but rather emotionally cold. Victoria: Oh you. Nate: Look, Victoria, I need to say something. Can we ixnay on the ersonalpay stuff until we finish the business stuff? Victoria: Of course. One orgasm can last me years. I’m a sexual camel. ********* Devon: It’s a great idea. But I can’t decide on something so big a few hours before the party. Tucker: You want that I should back off? Devon: The party is really just for people who loved Neil to gather and listen to jazz. Not grandiose announcements to suck up to me. Tucker: Well, I owe Neil a lot for raising you. You wouldn’t have that javelin up your ass without his influence. Devon: That’s right. Look, I appreciate that you’re trying to connect with me. Tucker: You know I sold McCall Unlimited to Satan. And I’m putting down roots here in Genoa City. Ashley asked me to move in. Devon: No shit? Huh. Didn’t realize it was getting that serious. Tucker: Well, it’s not really. She moved me in as a fuck you to Jack. I can roll with it though. You ever need to piss off Abby, I’m your guy. Devon: Ashley and I are two totally different people. Just because she trusts you to annoy Jack doesn’t automatically mean I’m going to call on you when I need next level trolling. Tucker: It’s not so much a javelin as it is the blade of a wind turbine, right? Devon: I’d like to invite you to the party tonight. Maybe you can absorb some of Neil’s honorable vibes by osmosis. Tucker: Thank you. I’m honored. Now this is going to be at the venue where Phyllis dropped dead, right? Devon: Good times. Gooood times. ********* Elena: Busted. Victoria: Elena! Oh, how rude of me. The least I can do after spreading the sheets with Nate is buy you breakfast. Elena: Shut the fuck up. This is between me and that fancy dog. Victoria: I’ll just scurry off like I’m actually capable of embarrassment. Nate: Gee, what brings you all the way here. Elena: I go where I please. There’s those pissy, petulant faces again, like I did something wrong. My only mistake was allowing a bag of dicks to gaslight me. Nate: I didn’t even know Victoria was going to show up! Let alone with a portfolio full of etchings. Elena: Don’t insult my intelligence. Etchings? Did she show you her etchings? Nate: God. Yes. I looked at Victoria’s etchings. I never intended - Elena: Intentions aren’t magic. And neither is your wand. ******** Summer: I was so clever, posing Mom’s dilemma as a hypothetical. Daniel: Clever? Didn’t we play it out and realize there are no good answers? Fucking Einstein level gambit there. Summer: I tried to gather some intel from Chance, but he got suspicious when I asked to borrow Stark’s autopsy report. Daniel: Can you explode from stifled rage? Summer: Dad told me that you can explode and die if you hold your farts in, so he always lets ‘em out immediately. Anyway, Mom will for damn sure go to prison for the Diane stuff. Daniel: She deserves to. And she did the exact opposite of what she should have done after she’d killed Stark in self defense. Summer: She’ll go to jail forever! Oh noes! Maybe it’s better if she disappears. Maybe she can go to a nice farm upstate where there’s room to play and goats to pet. It will kill me, but she’ll be free. Daniel: What even is this I can’t what the fuck how is this my life. Summer: Let’s not bring up Mom telling me and not you about being alive. I’m sure she’d come up with some crazy reason, like your conscience. Daniel: What about Diane, Summer? She’s in jail for a crime that she didn’t commit. Better yet, the crime never even existed. You’re willing to watch an innocent woman get tried and convicted for our mother’s imaginary homicide. Summer: Her eyes turn completely black as a raspy, growling voice emerges from her cakehole. Diane is not so innocent, fool. We hates the Diane. Diane must be the sacrifice. Her blood belongs to the Prince of Lies! Daniel: Do you even hear yourself right now? You sound exactly like Mom before her third exorcism. Summer: Diane just needs to rot long enough for us to get Mom out of her self created jam! Daniel: You’re talking about your husband’s mother and your son’s grandmother. How the fuck do you look any Abbott in the eye knowing what you know? You know what, actually? Fuck this shit. I’m going to the police. Summer: Nooooooooooo! I promised Mom I’d keep her secret. Allow me to manipulate you the same way she did me. I only told you, her firstborn man trap, because I thought you’d be someone who would protect her. Daniel: Don’t write checks with your stupid pouty mouth that your ass can’t cash. Summer: Please tell me you can be the person who destroys their own morality to protect our mother’s heinous selfishness! Daniel: I don’t know! If I’m trapped in a plot-driven hellscape where the only imperative is to pump the tires of an absolute scumbag, it’s possible. ********* Elena: I thought you’d changed, that you were making a real effort. Spur of the moment dates, love in the afternoon, little vacations… that was all guilt, wasn’t it? Nate: I don’t really feel guilt. More like a mild discomfort from getting caught. Besides, this was a legit business trip, setting aside all the double entendres and complete lack of hesitation when asked to go upstairs. Elena: Your family said you’d become a different person after joining the business world. An ambitious, amoral creeper was how Lily put it. Nate: I’m still the same lovable scamp and charming rogue I’ve always been. Victoria thinks I’m great. Elena: You know, maybe you’ve always been this. A… a faithless turd so breathtakingly arrogant he thinks he can rock a side part and fuck his CEO. You can’t. It’s over. ******** Michael: Special delivery! Jack: Oh god. They denied bail again. Diane: It’s me! Let’s hug forever! Jack: Yay! It’s about to get schmoopy up in here. Michael: Before you lose yourself in schmaltz, allow me to comment on how none of this would have been possible without Jack repeatedly and persistently annoying the ever loving shit out of me. ‘Make it happen’ he says, like I can magically pull a bail hearing out of my legal briefs. You’re lucky I’m essentially the Perry Mason of this dumbass town. Diane: I’m so grateful. Michael: There was a moment when I thought the judge was going to be swayed to the dark side, but a few added bail conditions and a large cashier’s check later, here we be. Jack: Bail conditions? Break it to me gently. Diane: I’m under house arrest and get to wear this beautiful ankle bracelet. Jack: Kyle will be so thrilled. And Harrison has asked about you every day. I should warn you that Kyle panicked and told him you’d been on the moon. There are some stones in the garden you can probably pass off as lunar rocks. Diane: I can’t wait to see his little face. Too bad Summer won’t be as happy as the rest of you. Jack: To be honest, we’ve all stopped caring what that asshole thinks. Now, let’s talk about getting married immediately. Diane: For fuck’s sake, Jack. ********** Ashley: Aaarrgggghhh. Tucker: ‘Sup? Ashley: My dumb dick of a brother is trying to bust Diane out of jail. Tucker: What the hell are we sitting here for? I’ve always wanted to drive a getaway car. Ashley: There’s another bail hearing this afternoon. Tucker: How dreadfully dull. If she gets out though, I could offer her coffee at breakfast. Ashley: Oh please don’t even go there. What a nightmare scenario. Tucker: Sorry. I don’t think I could stand having my hazelnut almond blend treated like swill again either. Ashley: Any word on your top secret project? Tucker: Today I pitched my plan to Devon. The Neil Winters International Jazz Festival and Briefcase Expo. He kind of swatted it down, but I got an invitation to the Neil tribute. Ashley: I think it’s an excellent idea. Devon will probably come around. Tucker: I may have also let slip that we’re living together. He will probably tell Abby. Hehehe. Devon, my son, is living with your daughter, Abby. We are a fun pair. Ashley: Big mouth. ********* Victoria: You obviously wanted to get caught. Nate: No, I didn’t. This was supposed to be a serious business trip. Victoria: You were pulling a condom out of your wallet before the word ‘etchings’ left my lips. Nate: I know you Newmans don’t bother to sugarcoat it anymore, but I need to believe I’m a stand up guy with a dick that just blunders into situations. Victoria: Of course. If you need time to process how our workmanlike but ultimately satisfying sexual encounter is an adequate trade in for your sense of morality, I can handle the meetings today. Nate: Yeah. I need to process this until I figure out a way to make this Elena’s fault. I’ll keep my door unlocked and the champagne chilled.

You take that back! Sob. Jeremy Stark out there still committing crimes even though he’s dead.

Ashley: I’ve got a job, hippie. Tucker: Well excuuuuse me! I was going to bring you breakfast in bed, but you obviously ate your Bitch-Os early. Ashley: I’ll kiss you goodbye, with an eye to the stairs to see if my dumb brother is catching this. Tucker: That’s not weird at all. Like not sharing a room after you asked me to move in. By the by, do you have Nate’s number? I want to flex nuts on him with my two or three side parts. Ashley: Off to terrorize my underlings. Jack wanders in. Tucker: Top o’ the morning, old chap. Care for a spot of coffee? @@@@@@@ Nate: I gaze at my phone. My lady is certainly lovely, dedicated, smart and compassionate. Whelp, time to throw it all away for a feral vampire. Texts eggplant and fire emojis to Victoria. @@@@@@@ Elena: Let me tell you all about how amaze balls my relationship with Nate is, which is not at all a harbinger of impending doom. Audra: Please do. Should I be feeling this much pleasure outside of sex? I hope I can mask my O face. Elena: He told me to pick a place for a dream vacation. He even left a note on my pillow asking me to pack his comb collection. Audra: Um, did he say he was going alone? Elena: Yep. Audra: Oh god. Oh. my. god. Yeah, he went with Victoria. Yes, yes, yes! @@@@@@@ Jack: Why are you here? Tucker: Katherine Chancellor got down and dirty with my daddy. Jack: My family is suffering. Diane is in jail for something she didn’t do, Summer is enough asshole for this house without adding you to the mix, my son is going to see your wild hair and build his bouffant to the fucking rafters… for Ashley to foist you on us is offensive. Tucker: All that family ish is why I’m here. I need a home base where I can reach Devon from. Jack: Ashley only invited you here to piss me off. Tucker: One, I don’t care. Two, not everything is about you, Jack. Jack: Whatever. Tucker: For what it’s worth, this is excellent coffee. Oh, and I’m sorry about Diane. I’m pretty sure I saw Phyllis wearing a busted ass wig and some nerd glasses sneaking out of the athletic club. Jack: I don’t give a buoyant intercourse on a mobile toroid pastry what you think. Tucker: Ashley feels the same open hostility for Diane. Let that be a lesson to you. Jack: Don’t compare yourself to Diane. She did the work and ate the shit sandwiches served up by Genoa City’s welcoming committee. What have you done? Found your soul in an ashram? Impossible. Tucker: There was a near fatal car wreck. And a magic mushroom retreat where I could taste color. Jack: If you hurt my sister, you’ll be tasting fistcakes for a week. I’m sure she’d do the same for me. @@@@@@@ Elena: Maybe Victoria joined the trip on the spur of the moment. Audra: No. That sneaky snake was always going. Elena: I’m so motherfucking tired of these motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking boyfriend. Audra: Allow me to wax indignant about what straight trash Nate and Victoria are. Elena: Please don’t. @@@@@@@@@ Nate: My pants are in flux. Victoria: Huh. The numbers are soft. But I could use that to my advantage. Nate: I just got into these podcasts that help you fall asleep. My favorite is called Y&R Scripts. Victoria: Sounds BORING! Let’s downsize that. Nate: You’re hard to say no to. I’m lean and muscular. Victoria: It’s so nice to work with someone willing to be absolutely consumed by ambition. Nate: Interesting nickname for your, um… Victoria: I read a really neat book about how to balance illicit sex with corporate success. Shall I run upstairs and fetch it? Nate: I’ll help you fetch that bone. I mean book. @@@@@@@ Ashley: It’s nice to see someone around here working hard. Billy: Or hardly working, amirite? Ashley: Look, assbread, we need to get down to brass tacks here. Jack’s Diane obsession is about to wreck this company’s shit, whereas mine is perfectly reasonable. Billy: Oh geez. I know Jack would probably forgive another of my betrayals, but I don’t want to tempt fate. Ashley: The media is going to feast on Jabot like a vulture with fresh roadkill. The trial will be a circus that explodes like Phyllis’ ambulance. Jack isn’t focused on business; he’s too busy romancing a murderer. Billy: Whoa, language. Ashley: Murderess, oh great guardian of the grammar. Billy: I don’t know shit about grammar, but I do know how to contact public relations to put a plan in place for Diane’s trial. Ashley: Goddamnit, you little snot goblin, I mean to convene a meeting of the board to have Jack defenestrated before that stone cold assassin drags this company straight to hell! Billy: This sounds like a coup and, quite frankly, a bit unhinged. Ashley: Diane could beat the murder rap. Then she’ll insinuate herself even deeper into our family and crown herself the Queen of Jabot! I’m the fucking queen! Do you hear me? Billy: Yep. That’s why I’m backing away slowly. @@@@@@@ Jack: Michael, I’m here to state at least nineteen times that I love Diane and will be focused exclusively on getting her out of jail. Michael: It’s weird that we don’t know how Stark died. The only information I got was that he didn’t have a single drop of blood left in his body. Jack: Sounds like Victor got hungry. I guess we need to pivot from the obvious suspect. Naturally, authorities can see nothing suspicious about a last minute marriage with a huge inheritance attached. Michael: I say we keep playing the Stark slots until that velour bitch pays out. Sure, I can’t get a legal subpoena for such an upstanding citizen with no motive, but I have contacts willing to pull all manner of shady shit. Did you get in touch with the forensic accountant. Jack: Yeah. I gave her a whole half hour and she couldn’t trace Jeremy’s money. Michael: Patience, grasshopper. I’m going to track down security footage too. Thanks to Big Brother, Stark’s last days should be on tape somewhere. Jack: If you want a picture of the future, imagine a pair of nostrils inhaling a human face - forever. Michael: I’ll tell you this; judges and juries aren’t too keen on blaming the conveniently dead. It’s a risky strategy, and if we don’t bring solid evidence, Christine will rip us to shreds. I’m just saying that in case she’s listening. Honestly I should be able to outmaneuver her while blackout drunk. @@@@@@@ Elena: I’m the dumbest dumb that ever dumbed. I thought Nate was the same sensitive, compassionate guy who couldn’t jerk off or perform surgery after his injury. Then he found business. I tried to be patient and understanding as he transformed into this grasping turd. Audra: You’re not an idiot. You’re a victim. And perhaps one of my greatest trolls. Elena: I’m no victim. I just didn’t realize I was dealing with someone who only cared about winning and didn’t know the difference between right and wrong. Audra: What are you going to do? Elena: Fly to L.A., catch them in the act, dropkick Nate across a parking lot and then hunt down the bag of dicks who thought it would make an interesting juxtaposition to montage Side Part and the dust mop during my lamentations. Audra: Can… can I watch? Elena: It’s time to find this JT guy and launch my new podcast “Because Fuck You, That’s Why.” @@@@@@@ Ashley: It’s not a coup or revenge. Have I mentioned how many times Jack has tried to kick me out of my own home? Billy: So the answer is to unseat him? Sorry, but I don’t need that much work. I like my long lunches filled with Chinese food and Chelsea’s fortune cookie. Ashley: I guess I can see how this would look vengeful, considering I also moved Tucker in last night. He’s got his own room though, so… Billy: Jack sees Tucker the way you see Diane. Ashley: We’re not talking about Tucker McCall, rectal rolls. We’re talking about Jack and his succubus ruining everything if I don’t knock his schmoopy ass off the throne. Billy: I’m the most reasonable person in this office and that scares me. @@@@@@@ Jack: Oh, that guy. At least he located a hairbrush. Michael: Tucker? Ignore him. Don’t let him ruin your day. Jack: Too late. Ashley moved him in to the house to prove a point about Diane. As if that smirking touch hole is on the same level as my son’s mother. Meanwhile Ashley: I see Jack the Ass is here. Tucker: He and I bonded today. You might call it a budding bromance. Ashley: Really? Tucker: No. LOL. He knows I’m there as a kick to his jumblies. Let’s plant my foot deeper into his nutsack. Ashley: Do you still have your den of iniquity and debauchery? Tucker: Ready and waiting. Though I’m getting slightly concerned that your brother’s disapproval seems to be a factor in your arousal. Meanwhile Jack: Gross. Michael: Yeah baby.

They could fill that time with dialogue that resembles how human beings talk to each other. Ha ha. I crack myself up.

Yesterday was a tough one. The way characters talk in circles, rehashing the same conversations, drives me nuts. Lauren and Michael could be summed up thusly: Lauren: Fuck you for defending Diane. Michael: Up yours for thinking I’d defend our friend’s killer. Apparently, Josh Griffith operates under the principle of using four scenes when one will do. And then you have his great passion for indirect conversations, as someone upthread pointed out regarding Summer and Daniel. Why couldn’t Summer just flat out tell Daniel what happened instead of couching it in hypotheticals and rhetorical questions and theories. She gave up trying to convince him pretty meekly too, considering the magnitude of the news. So now we have to endure god knows how long of everyone thinking Summer is cray while she makes that pouty blowfish face.

Tucker: I’m moving in! Ashley: Are you going to behave? We have rules. I expect you to kick Jack in the shins every day. Tucker: I’m more housebroken than Billy. That’s all I can promise. @@@@@@@ Michael: So… it’s warm outside but cold in here. Lauren: Diane has been found guilty in the court of public opinion. How dare you defend her. @@@@@@ Jack: Working late? I’m impressed. Billy: Don’t be. I had to get away from Chelsea. The biscuits didn’t rise. Jack: I’d say it happens to most guys, but it’s never happened to me. Billy: Sorry I’m sitting in the big chair. I gotta warn you, there’s like a zillion takeout farts trapped in the cushion. Jack: I need a diversion anyway. I just came from seeing Diane. Billy: I thought she told you to back off. Jack: I can’t stay away from a damsel in distress. I asked her to get married then and there. I firmly believe there’s no problem that a proposal can’t fix. @@@@@@@ Summer: Mom! Daniel: I know you’re grieving, but that’s no reason to insult me. @@@@@@@ Tucker: I can’t wait to see Jack’s face when I strut down to breakfast. Ashley: Let’s not talk about Jack and how fucking amazing it will be when he realizes you’re turtlenecking all over this place. I’ll give you a tour. These are the stairs. They go up. Tucker: Wow? Do they go down too? Because I do. @@@@@@ Lauren: I’m going to make some extremely insulting assumptions about your motives for stabbing me and your dead best friend in the back. Michael: Does the fact that I’m willing to defend Diane not persuade you she might be innocent? This isn’t some lark. Lauren: Nope. I hope that bitch fries. Michael: That’s why I’m doing this. Diane could be facing a jury of biased, thickheaded, judgmental ninnies. Everyone deserves a lawyer who can fight against your typical shitknot of prejudices. Lauren: I agree. Everyone but Diane. @@@@@@ Billy: Did she accept your proposal? Jack: She didn’t answer. I can’t imagine why. Billy: I don’t know many gals who swoon over a jailhouse wedding. Jack: How can I convince her that a cell block ceremony is the best option? I could slip a nail file into the cake. Billy: Dude, you’re not facing the real problem here. You miss your Red. You can’t fill a Phyllis shaped hole with a Diane peg. Jack: That’s a very problematic sentence. Also, don’t analyze me. You’re about as emotionally aware as a broccoli floret. Billy: There’s some things you can’t outrun. For example, the backdraft from one of my sneezes. Phyllis is similar. Jack: Eh, I’m over it. Billy: You weren’t on good terms when she died. But you had a long and tangled relationship that you can’t just brush off like it’s nothing. Except for the part where I sexed up your wife and mocked you for being kidnapped. Put that in the circular file. @@@@@ Summer: I saw Mom. Daniel: Yeah, I see her too. Every time I see a police car with the blue lights flashing. Summer: I really saw her. Mom is alive, Daniel. Daniel: Are you hopped up on goofballs? Summer: I can explain everything that happened. Daniel: Amuse me. Summer: Stark manipulated Mom’s misery and trapped her in this horrible plan to frame Diane. When she realized how deep she was in, she tried to get away from him. Stark attacked her, so she killed him. Now she can’t come home because she’ll be arrested. Daniel: For self defense? Summer: Who will believe that? She set Diane up. She has a, um, colorful history. We’ve got to find a way to fix this! Daniel: I’ll get my imaginary duct tape. Summer: I can prove it! MOM! MOOOOOOM! @@@@@@@ Ashley: Get a job, hippie. Tucker: I don’t know. Are you worried I could get up to mischief if I’m at loose ends? Ashley: Yes? Tucker: I’ll probably spend some time trying to ride the wave of Devon’s warm and fuzzy forgiving mood. Maybe I’ll introduce Dom to the turtleneck lifestyle. Of course, I’ll be making your eyes spin around like the reels on a slot machine too. @@@@@@@ Lauren: Phyllis was our best friend. We went through hell together. Being her best friend gave me more screen time than I might have had. Michael: You and Phyllis are two of the most resilient, strong and annoying women I know. I cared about her. I want justice for Phyllis That’s why I’m defending Diane. Someone else is responsible for this murder and I’m going to find out who. Lauren: Scoff. Michael: Stark washed up on the lake shore. He was taking the long dirt nap, hold the dirt. Lauren: What? Well, don’t expect me to cry for a man who tried to upholster our lives in velour. I own boutiques, damn it. Michael: The point is that he had some dangerous enemies who could have whacked Phyllis first. You know, I feel like everyone in town has had this exact same conversation. Like there’s someone out there listening whose intelligence needs to be grievously insulted by having the plot spoon fed to them repeatedly. Lauren: Okay, Stark was a sleazebag, but the cops don’t seem interested him. And Chance is one hell of a cop. Michael: This is no time to crack jokes. Lauren: Yes, the sudden marriage was weird. And Phyllis brought a metric fuckton of misery on herself. But Diane tormented her by existing. How can you let that go? Michael: Maybe you could have some faith in me. I can smell a liar at twenty paces, which is why I shut my nose holes with a clothespin when Phyllis came to visit. @@@@@@ Billy: It’s Chelsea. I guess we have to talk about Billy’s chilly willy. Jack: Go ahead. Jack’s eyes glaze over. He’s experiencing a montage. I remember the days when Phyllis got her hair done at a pet groomers to save money. She didn’t think she was entitled to my love then. We couldn’t have children. All I’ve got to show for my life is a bouffant boy and two invisible grandkids. My favorite child is the biological son of my enemy. Ah, there I am delivering Summer. All Phyllis cared about was her Curious George dildo being there. Years later, I was expecting to find out I was Summer’s father. That’s the logical soap payoff, right? Not in the universe of Nick Newman Can’t Lose. She helped me kick my drug habit, I guess. I sure as hell was scared straight. Billy: Are you okay, bro? Were you montaging? Jack: Yes, and you were completely right about everything. I totally needed to process my feelings about Phyllis. Where did you find two brain cells to rub together? Billy: You don’t inhale this much oxygen without getting a few synapses jazzed up. Jack: Having processed my feelings, I can safely say I hope Phyllis is roasting like a rotisserie chicken. And I’m still going to marry the hell out of Diane. @@@@@@ Daniel: OMG WTF SUMMER GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MOM IS DEAD, Summer: Sob. Daniel: I’m sorry, but the truth hurts. Summer: I know you think I’ve had a psychotic break. But Mom was standing here wearing shit brown velour and putting an obscene burden on my conscience. Daniel: Let’s pretend that’s all true. We go to Chance and Christine and tell them your theory. What evidence do we give them? They investigate and find Mom and arrest her for murdering Jeremy Stark. Diane goes free while our mother is in prison forever, because that’s clearly the trade off. One of them has to be in jail. Summer: But… self defense? Daniel: If Mom really did kill Stark and didn’t immediately report it with a claim of self defense, she’s as dumb as Nick. Uh, no offense. Summer: I guess… I guess we’ll just have to let a woman rot in jail and everyone wallow in grief until I figure this out. Daniel: Do you have diarrhea? Summer: No, why? Daniel: Just the look on your face. Let’s go home. @@@@@@ Lauren: I have faith in you. Just not in Diane. Michael: I believe her when she says she didn’t do it. Lauren: Eating at the last place we saw Phyllis alive was a fucking terrible idea, Michael. I will now storm off, secure in the sacred righteousness of my anger. No regrets! Michael: … @@@@@ Tucker: Top of the evening to you, guv’nor. Jack: Tucker? Tucker: Put some respect on my name. Ashley: You’d better get used to seeing his smiling face, Jack. Jack: Why is that? Ashley: He’s my guest. And I’ve invited him to move in. Since I’m not allowed to interfere in your personal life, you can’t make one peep about this. Nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo doo. Jack: DARK CLOUD Tucker: I really enjoyed that.

I expect Josh Griffith to just plow through this Phyllis mess like a blinkered bull in an antiques shop. He can take inspiration from the trash fire that was Victor replacing Jack with a lookalike Peruvian drug lord, a truly despicable act that didn’t slow Victor’s roll one bit. Jack was kidnapped, held on a ship (not Jaboat), and survived a boat explosion only to be abused and assaulted by Stitch’s batshit crazy sister. Phyllis, meanwhile, was raped for months by Marco Anicelli, Jack’s doppelgänger. Victor even tricked Kyle (the garden gnome version) into transferring the payment for Jack’s execution under the guise of buying a sports car or something. Victor should never be allowed to set foot in the Abbot home again, yet there he was recently, being embraced by his idiot granddaughter, who should also be giving him a wide berth for the ordeal he put her mother through. And all of that psychopathic plotting was on top of the infamous rat buffet, turning Patty loose on Genoa City, telling Nikki he wished she was dead on a slab, throwing Diane out of an ambulance and so much more. Victor has never been made to own any of it. The show just ignores what a horrible person and father he is, and I’m sure Phyllis will get the same edit. She just loves her fambly so much that she’s compelled to fuck up everyone’s life.

I’ve watched the show most of my life thanks to my grandmother. This is definitely one of the rougher periods of the show, up there with the godawful, show devouring Philly. The illustrious writer of the current garbage doesn’t seem to get that Phyllis is the villain of the piece. If you can make me pity Summer, you are 100% a sack of premium grade shit.

Summer: What the fuck? I must warn the townspeople that the dead have risen! Feets don’t fail me now! Phyllis: I’m real! Summer: Well, this hug was as icy and bony as I remember. I accept your improbable appearance and will now call your firstborn to relate the good news. Phyllis: No way. That little fucker will do the right thing. Summer: But he’s going through hell! Wait, what are you implying about me? Phyllis: I can’t trust Daniel to keep my secret. I’m not saying he’s untrustworthy. Summer: You kinda are? Phyllis: I feel more comfortable relying on someone emotionally unstable, naive and possessing a rudimentary conscience. Oh, and I don’t give two fucks if this blows up your marriage. We good? @@@@@@@ Nate: I’m headed out west to check out some streaming platforms. It’s more professional to negotiate in person. Why Zoom like a normal businessman when you can pollute the shit out of planet Earth? Audra: Oh dear. I feel like I’m fishing in an aquarium tank. It just sucks when trolling is this easy. Nate: I want you to run point for me while I’m gone. Damn, just listen to me sling that saucy jargon like hash in a diner. Audra: Goodness, what a learning opportunity. I should come. Nate: I appreciate your enthusiasm but clam jamming Victoria is not good for your career. Audra: Victoria is going. Hmmm, I’ll pretend I didn’t know that. Why not take Elena along? Nate: It’s unprofessional to bring your girlfriend along to watch. Audra: Yeah, I need a cigarette after getting all that sweet intel. Toodles! @@@@@@@@ Nick: Grrrr. Dad big meanie. Dad try to make me play with Adam. Nick no like Adam! Grrrrr. Victoria: I know you prefer to play with yourself. Nick: Dad told me to quit being COO and go run McCall Unlimited with Adam. Like what the fuck, old man? He was buying that just for Adam. Victoria: A new toy to break. Nick: I’m still pissed about my Castle Grayskull play set. I know Christian is covering for Adam. No way would my kid pose Skeletor and He-Man like that. Victoria: Did you tell Dad to eat shit and gargle glass? Nick: When I realized this was about distracting Adam and me from Sally, I cut a meeean fart and left him to smell it. I’d just eaten a meatball sub, so you know he caught my drift. Victoria: Been there, got the oxygen treatment. Nick: Like I can be distracted from sex. You’re not the only one who can make every day hump day at the office. Victoria: Dad sees everything as a way to manipulate us. Instead of banding together and telling him to get bent, I prefer to be a petty asshole toward the one sibling willing to tell Dad where to stick it. Nick: That’s why I’d never abandon you. That, and the fact you never check my work. @@@@@@@ Jack: Do you have any news on Diane? Michael: No. But I do have a few scraps of interest about dead ass Jeremy Stark. Jack: Did he accidentally drowned in velour? Michael: Nah. Someone cut his ass to ribbons. Jack: It’s not like Diane is a mob boss who can order hits from her jail cell. Michael: Can’t she? She’s running a prison winery out of her toilet. Jack: Jeremy was a money launderer and fabric smuggler. He probably made some dangerous enemies in the fashion industry. He killed Phyllis for the inheritance and then some black market velour buyer cut him out of the plush pipeline. Literally. Now, he can’t testify against Diane. Haha. Michael: He can’t exonerate her either. Doofus. @@@@@@@ Summer: So… Diane is innocent? Phyllis: INNOCENT?!! The voice of a demon emerges from behind the blue enamel curtain. Diane is the devil’s handmaiden! I’m going to describe myself but project those repulsive qualities onto Diane. Hail Satan! Summer: I know, I know. Some of your brainwashing did take. I’m now convinced Diane interfered with my marriage for months. Phyllis: Good, good. Let the hate flow through you. Diane totally fucked up Kyle’s life. He’s a hat molesting bouffant because she let him think she was dead. Summer: But, Mom, your priorities are still way messed up. You abandoned your kids just to get revenge on someone. Phyllis: My kids are grown. And sure, I’m still going to let my son believe I’m a crispy critter, but that’s his fault for being such a Dudley Do-Right. Summer: I don’t understand how any of this happened. The poisoning was fake? The ambulance crash? Santa Claus? Phyllis: All you need to know is that everything was Stark’s idea, but he cleverly made it look like my idea. He manipulated my emotions, preyed on my insecurities and pulled my puppet strings. I had no agency. I was swept into a tangled web of velour before I knew what was happening. Summer: But now you can make things right. Phyllis: Hell no. @@@@@@@@@ Nate: I gotta get home and pack. Elena: Well, I’m glad you’ve realized this isn’t going to work and we can part amicably. Nate: I’m actually going on a business trip to the west coast to check out some new streaming platforms. We’ll be having back to back meetings all day. Elena: We? You got a turd in your pocket? Nate: I said I wouldn’t let Nick borrow my jacket again. I meant I’ll be in meetings all day. Just me. Flying solo. When I get back, we’ll go on a little vacation of our own. Elena: Sounds nice, unless someone blows up your spot while you’re gone. @@@@@@@ Victoria: So… I’ll be out of town for a few days. There are some potential investments I need to analyze. I’ll need you to sit at my desk and make sure no one touches my stuff. Nick: I love sitting. Is Mom going with you? Is that why she’s not guarding your paperweight collection? Victoria: No, she’s not going with me. I just know you’ll deliver the necessary atomic wedgie if anyone tries to pocket the wind up desk dildos. Nick: I’m working on developing a new kind of wedgie, actually. People rolling commando shouldn’t be able to cheat getting their nards yarded over their tonsils. Victoria: Nate will be accompanying me. He is the head of Newman Media, after all. Nick: I’ll sign Nate up as a guinea pig for my wedge development experiments. That guy is packing without a holster or my name isn’t… isn’t… Victoria: Nick. Nick: What? @@@@@@@@ Diane: Oh geez, you again. Jack: I’ve got news you can use. Diane: That you’re getting help for being a stage five clinger? Jack: News that could maybe spring you from this joint, Miss Smarty Pants. Diane: If you say so. Jack: I’m going to pivot to a marriage proposal. I think the best way to tackle any problem is to get hitched. Oh, Stark is dead. Someone poked him full of holes so he’d sink to the bottom of a lake. He ended up beached like a velour whale. A velourca. @@@@@@ Phyllis: I did some dumb shit, okay? I’m being honest. Honest. Everyone had turned their back on me, which really makes it y’alls fault. So Stark was using all that to convince me to set up Diane for a life sentence. Again, her fault. I thought I’d lost everyone. Everyone. Summer: What you did was really fucked up. Like really fucked up. Phyllis: I know. I’ve been watching you guys. I saw how much you suffered and sipped upon that sorrow like it was Dom Perignon. God, what a rush. This must be what cocaine feels like. Summer: It’s not too late to find a sliver of human decency, Mom. You’re coming home with me. Phyllis: Ehhhh. There are some minor complications you need to know about. @@@@@@ Nick: Everyone thinks you guys are fucking, Vic. Victoria: Do not. Nick: You’re being called the Side Part’s Side Piece. Victoria: I know what I’m doing. Just not where I’ll be doing it or in what position. Nick: Sleeping with a subordinate can only end badly. Victoria: Sally much? Nick: That’s different. You’re developing s much stronger sexual harassment case for Nate. You’ll probably need to settle out of court. Victoria: I don’t repeatedly point out how your fuck follies can only end with Adam on top. Of your lady. Kindly show me the same respect. Nick: Nate has a girlfriend and a whole life outside this place. Victoria: Please. He has no life outside of work. His family doesn’t get him. Friends aren’t something the business elite can be bothered with. Why don’t you go check the Shut Up file? Nick: I care about you. More importantly, I care about lecturing wimmins about what they should do with their conch. @@@@@@ Summer: What did you do now, Mom? Phyllis: Stark really wasn’t happy that I decided to go back on his plan. He mentioned something about relocating me to a shallow grave a couple of times. Uh, he also got pretty rapey. Summer: Oh no. Phyllis: I decided to, you know, hit the bricks. Jeremy blocked my path, pushed me and picked up a pirate’s cutlass. He was backing me into the bathroom, determined to slash my throat. That was when I sealed my fate. Summer: How? Like where is this even going? I’m so lost. Phyllis: He fucked around. He was pretty strong, but crazy will whip strong’s ass every single time. Then he found out. Summer: What did he find out? Phyllis: That I have talons. I grabbed the medieval battle axe from him, popped his top and shit down his throat. As one does. Summer: I don’t even know what to say. Phyllis: I mean, everything went black when he came at me with the guillotine. But when I came to and i looked down, I was ankle deep in blood. I wrapped Stark in a shower curtain after bleaching the room. I put his head on a pike to make it look like one of his minions killed him. Somehow he magically ended up in a lake. Summer: Um, that sounds like textbook self defense to me. We can go to Chance and clear this up pretty easy. Everyone who mourned you will just be so happy you’re alive. They’ll understand it was all Stark. Daniel, Lauren, Jack - Phyllis: Caw caw! There’s only one finger Jack will lift and it won’t be to help me. No one can know I’m alive. It’s your burden to carry. You can save your mother in law and your marriage or you can do the right thing and help me compile felonies. No matter what you decide, Supergirl, it better be what I want. I’ll love you no matter what. No matter what. Lol. Summer: But Daniel - Phyllis: If ifs and buts were wishes and nuts, no one would go hungry. Keep your mouth shut. Hold it together like the calm, experienced psychopath I am. I just need time to come up with a plan that will keep my hands clean while persecuting Diane. Don’t forget to buy me something for Mother’s Day! @@@@@@ Audra: Elena, are you busy? Elena: I’ll be helping Nate pack. Audra: Tee hee, is that a fact? Elena: He’s got some business trip coming up. You know, things are going so well between us. Audra: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod she has no idea! Keep cool, Audra. Don’t blow this! Mmmhmm. Elena: Let’s meet for coffee tomorrow. Unless you prefer tea. Audra: Hopefully I won’t spill it.

Query: Has the Buttbiscuit afterglow been addressed? I’m super depressed about last night’s hockey game and really don’t want that mess waiting for me this afternoon. Just thinking about the treacle those two dopes will be force feeding each other sends piss shivers up my spine. Why didn’t Bluetooth McCrispy just call the cops immediately after exsanguinating Stark? She could have claimed self defense, that Jeremy poisoned her and kidnapped her, and then she could have galloped back into town the conquering hero. She could lord it over Diane and Jack for years that she magnanimously returned to exonerate her worst enemy. Of course, Jack would eventually fall back in love with her, stupidly believing she’d found her moral compass. Summer’s smug would become so dense that it collapses into a black hole that eats Kyle’s excess hair. Instead we get this illogical dumpster fire where Phyllis looks worse by the day yet will somehow still end up being feted as Lady Justice. Fuck off, head writer. Learn how to tell a fucking story.

Maybe Jaboat is still docked at the marina.