NinjaPenguins

I’ve been working for a vacationing co-worker whose loud obnoxiousness and self-regard make her a sort of amateur Phyllis. Imagine my disappointment when one of two episodes I was able to catch this week was a Phyllis fest. Admittedly, Tucker’s joyful expression when Diane stopped by to converse with Phyllis almost made up for it. I wonder if it was awkward for Buttbiscuit to have Ashley bring up Phyllis and then Summer, his two-for-one Jackstabbing special. I… I felt a twinge of compassion for poor Ass Loaf as he once again had to listen to his crazy sister blatherskite on about how meeeeaaaaannnnn Jack and Diane are. Ashley was shocked, shocked I tell you, to learn that Jack dared to leave the state and consult attorneys about her abrupt departure from Jabot. I guess she’s the only one allowed to make moves. Tucker takes such pleasure in trolling, no matter who he’s with or who he’s trying to needle. Trolling is its own reward for Tucker. Ashley just doesn’t get it, as her failed efforts to provoke Diane reveal. At least she admitted that Diane was living rent free in her head, I guess. Phyllis flashbacks! What a treat. Lol@ the one where Phyllis is bragging to Christine that she was married to Nick now. It’s like bragging that you ate a turd with a fork and knife. I genuinely enjoyed the replay of Diane jacking Phyllis up with a slap that probably took the blue off her veneers temporarily.

Ponders why my mother so often causes me to miss 15 minutes of show. Wonders if it’s a misguided attempt to save me from crapola. Nate: If you want to imagine our future, picture a side part stamped on your booty forever. I mean that. Sincerely. Victoria: I can tell. @@@@@@@@ Nikki: You’ve shown admirable and remarkable restraint in letting your spawn chart their own course. Ha ha. Listen to me. I may have a future in comedy. Victor: Things aren’t going as smoothly as I’d hoped, k? Nikki: Nick was so invigorated when we let him pretend to be a real businessman. And Victoria, well, she’s really flourished under your ruthless tutelage. Victor: She got rid of Nicholas so she could sneak Nate in the back door. Nikki: That’s really none of our business. Sips iced tea. @@@@@@@@@ Adam: Dickface. Nick: Buttmunch. Adam: Sharing a father doesn’t make us friends, bro. Nick: That old mummy is still trying to get me to work with you. I got all kinds of free time thanks to this AWESOME leave of absence. Adam: Victoria’s boy toy took your job. Inject that pure, uncut bullshit into my veins. Nick: How’d you find out? Dude, can you read minds? Adam: Yes, and yours is a piece of used toilet paper with the word “poop” misspelled in crayon on it. I can’t believe that jerk still hasn’t let his stupid plan go. My company doesn’t need a chief of jock itch. Nick: Oh really? You don’t need an alpha to stand around grabbing his own junk in an act of dominance? Bitch, please. I’d be a much better babysitter than Sally or Sharon. Adam: You’re such a primitive. I made them both business proposals. Nick: Me Nick. Me almost help bro. Me hate big words. Me say no. Adam: Enjoy your exile. The first time is always the sweetest. I like being on the outs myself. Fewer snakes around. Nick: Except the one in my pants. Both phones simultaneously strike an ominous chord. It’s a text from the Newman crypt. Victor has summoned his children. @@@@@@@@@ Nate: Your father summoned me. I hope he doesn’t want more blood. Victoria: I’ll just call Mr. Pissy Pants up and see what’s going on. Ring! Ring! Hey, Dad, are you guys alright? Victor: We’re fine, k? Why are we talking on the phone when you have been told to come here? When I text, nations tremble, yougotthat? I once dropped a message in a bottle into the sea and Atlantis sank beneath the waves, never to be seen again! Click. @@@@@@@@@ Chance: Kirsten left you a company? What does it make? Zip ties? Roofies? Sharon: I was creeped out at first, too. Then I realized I’d been given an actual, no-shit story. Mind. Blown. Chance? Are you going to sell it? Maybe donate the money to charity? There’s a Buy Summer a Brain fundraiser happening right now. Sharon: The company was left a total mess, so I doubt selling it could raise that kind of cash. However, the businesses are basically sound and could turn a profit. Chance: Does this mean you’ll be able to leave Crimson Lights? Sharon: Anything is possible. I offered Adam the option to merge our two companies. Mine produces software his depends on, so it makes sense. Chance: I love merging. In fact, I’ll share a little secret with you. Business talk makes my balls vibrate. Sharon: That sounds like police code for “lock the door.” @@@@@@@@@ Nate texts Audra that he’s been summoned to the Newman crypt and requests she call the proper authorities if he doesn’t return to work. Audra: Your happiness is a little over the top. Tucker: Audra, Audra, Audra. Let me buy you an expensive drink so that we might celebrate. Audra: What are we celebrating? Tucker: Many things. All the things. The world has become my oyster. Or whatever mollusk floats your boat. Mollusk. LOL! Fantastic word. You can’t help but clip the k at the end. Try it. Mollusk. Audra: I’m good. Tucker: Not as good as me. Mollusk mollusk mollusk mollusk. Mollusk. @@@@@@@@@ Nick: I bought a bag of Smart Pop on the way here Just in case. Nikki: How ironic. Victor: Do not open that popcorn until the others arrive, k? You will share with your brother. Nick: makes subtle jerking off motion with his hand. I thought something happened to you guys. Like maybe a rogue dugong attack. Victoria: Shut up about the dugongs, Nick. Honest to god. Nick: Do gong or don’t gong, that is the question. Adam makes a sullen entrance, shooting looks of contempt and pity at his siblings. Adam: If this is about Adustus Inc.- Nick: Adustus? What the fuck? Is that a big, fancy, million dollar word? I’m starting to steam like a hot dog… Adam: You don’t like it? Nick: It sounds like something your peen gets after receiving a handjob from a leper. Nikki: What does it mean? Victor: It means my youngest son is an overgrown emo infant who would name his new company something unpalatable in order to tell the world his father is a tyrant. It’s logo will be a pacifier, k? Adam: It means scorched. As in scorched earth. Damn, I sound like a tool. Victor: It has come to my attention that giving you children a minuscule amount of freedom to live your own lives has gone straight to your heads. You have abused the few inches of leash I generously provided you with. Adam: We’re not dogs. If we were, I’d be a sleek Greyhound, Nick would be the world’s dumbest cocker spaniel and Victoria is clearly a feral coyote. Victoria: No lies detected. Victor: Silence, mortal! I am an entity beyond time and I will not tolerate impudence! Let the airing of the grievances begin! @@@@@@@@ Chance takes off his shirt, enveloping NinjaPenguins in a cloud of bliss. @@@@@@@@ Tucker: See, it’s all about karma, baby. Letting the past go. Adam can swim in the shit lagoon that is McCall. I’m on to bigger and better things. Audra: Uh-huh. So what’s in your oyster? Tucker: My mollusk? Well, everything I could possibly want. It’s so close I can taste it. Six weeks ago, I didn’t think any of this would be possible. Audra: More generalities. Are you making shit up? Tucker: Nope. It matters not one jot or tittle whether you believe me. Should that be two tittles? I think titties is derived from tittle. You know what word I don’t like? Nipple. Ugh. Audra: Your good mood appears to be whisky related. Tucker: No. Maybe. Okay, I’m a touch giddy. Audra: Maybe you’re evolving. The old Tucker would just act squirrelly when I accused him of lying. Of course, you were usually lying. A text message suddenly appears on Audra’s phone. A risqué picture of a pubic pompadour sits awkwardly between her and Tucker. Tucker: Oh good god. @@@@@@@@ Victor: I take a hands off approach to Newman Enterprises and what is the result? You, Victoria, kick out your brother to install your lover in his place. To be fair, I can see the promise in Nate Hastings. That part on the side of his head would give Pythagoras an erection with its geometric perfection. Of course, a straight line would give that man a boner. He once shared with me a theorem about fucking that would make the randiest sailor blush. Nick: Whoa. I wish my math classes had taught me useful shit like that. Victor: I digress. Nate, I do not trust you. Not after the way you betrayed your family. You have the viscosity of a Jiffy Lube floor, k? Nick: Tee hee. Victor: Shut your mouth, k? And your legs. Are you and your brother having a manspreading contest? Nick: Adam’s only winning because I wore my too tight jeans today. Victor: Your ungrateful sister rejected McCall for undoubtedly foolish reasons. I gave Adam her sloppy seconds and what does he do? Slaps a repellent name on it and weaponizes it against Newman Media! And Nicholas defies my orders to help him. Nick makes the talking too much hand gesture just out of Victor’s line of sight. Victor: I’m calling the shots now, yougotthat? You will follow my instructions to the letter. Nate, you will continue on as COO of Newman and are hereby ordered to continue providing physical pleasure to the CEO. Nicholas, you will work with Adam at his company. Once Adustus becomes stronger, it will be folded into Newman Media as it was foretold by the spirits I have trapped in an old amulet. Adam: The fuck? We had an agreement! Victor: I don’t give a damn about past agreements! You make a deal with Ol’ Scratch, sometimes you get burned, k? If you don’t like it, there’s the door! Now, will you all obey me? Nick: Sure. Adam rises to his feet, dumps Nick’s bag of popcorn over his brother’s head and silently departs. Nick: He could change his mind. Adam is one fickle pickle. Victor: If he remains disobedient, I will conclude our relationship in bitterness and acrimony. This parenting approach has never failed me or my children. Youhaveanicedaynow. @@@@@@@@@ Audra: As you can see, things are looking up for me as well. Tucker: Kyle Abbott? That’s your idea of good living? Audra, Audra, Audra. He’s a fuckboi. Audra: Oh yes. I’m aware. Tucker: He’s a trust fund dipstick who should thank his lucky stars for nepotism. Ride the pompadour pony if that flips your switch, but don’t look for substance under that pretty surface. Audra: I happen to think there’s more to him than meets the eye. Tucker: Nah. There’s less. Audra: I believe in him enough to make him my right hand man at Newman Media. He can’t be dumber than Nick, and that guy was COO of the whole shitshow. Tucker: Mollusk. Audra receives another text from Kyle that simply says SEXYTIMES!!!ELEVENTY!!! Eggplant emoji. @@@@@@@@ Chance: This was a surprise. I just came in for a latte and muffin. Sharon: I was not expecting office couch sex. Apparently it’s the hottest trend in Genoa City. Chance: Any regrets? Sharon: Yes. That I didn’t hit it sooner. Chance: Is someone knocking out there? Sharon: Ugh. Two missed calls from Adam. I better go see what he wants. Drape this blanket over you in the most tantalizing way possible. Sharon unlocks the door for Adam. Adam: Are you baking sex muffins in here? Cause it smells like nutmeg and fu- Sharon: What’s wrong, Adam? Adam: My new company bit the dustus thanks to my father. Even though we can’t merge our two concerns, I’m now available to run your business. You’re welcome. @@@@@@@@ Nate: You seem strangely pleased. Victoria: I’m the captain of the gloat boat, my friend. McCall is mine, and I didn’t have to lift a finger. Mwah ha ha. Nate: Unearned success is the best kind.

Hey! You guys are such Judgey McJudgersons. Nate, the smooth Side Part, has REAL feelings for Victoria. Sincere feelings, even. It’s just a coincidence that Nick’s unasked for departure occurred at the same time as Nate’s dick’s arrival. These things happen. Speaking of sincere, I find the most heartfelt apologies are delivered with a soupçon of irritation. Did Nate attempt to deliver his cousin’s family business to Newman Enterprises in an underhanded scheme? Yes, but he said the magic “I made a booboo” words and that wipes the slate clean instantly. Who says no? Besides Phyllis, I mean. He even threw in a bottle of wine! Elevate that man to sainthood!

I like Cousin Condo. I hope Side Part shows up every day so Lily can tell him all about himself. “Nate, let’s talk about that hedge maze on your head…”

Look at how cruelly he gave Porn Stache a thick envelope full of cash and told him to scram. A kinder criminal would have just killed him and dumped his body in a landfill once he was no longer useful. The horrific manner in which Stark didn’t restrain Kyle and shave his bouffant down to the scalp when Pomp tried to step to him will forever be seared into my memory. I have to give a tiny sliver of credit to Phyllis for her brief moment of self awareness upon realizing Tucker wanted her to start up the Diane bullshit again. She actually acknowledged that it’s what got her into a mess in the first place. The moment was fleeting, of course, and Phyllis hilariously didn’t even react to Tucker flat out telling her that her mere existence was destructive enough to suit his purpose. I feel like I’m the only Sharon fan here. At least it’s not Summer climbing Chance like the sexy sex tree he is.

It sounds like Gloria got herself into some interesting trouble. Lol@Phyllis being genuinely baffled that Michael would choose helping his mother over her. What a douche. Simply Ashley sucks as a company name. Truth in advertising is always the best approach, so why not go with Simply Spite? Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s megalomania. Catchy, right?

Goddamn it, Carson lost some porno off of his stache. What the fuck, dude? I was looking forward to seeing that small rodent dry hump your upper lip again. There’s something delightful about Tucker holding court in a GCAC suite like a zen mafioso. I’m sure I’ll want to nuke his ass from orbit once Phyllis starts rampaging all over town like a chicken-winged Godzilla. I can forgive a great deal from a man who grins like a kid at Christmas while recording Phyllis being arrested, but using that loon to curry favor with his deranged fiancee might be a bridge too far. Speaking of the velociraptor, Phyllis couldn’t even hold back a smirk when facing the prosecutor and the victim of one of her more violent assaults. What an irredeemable narcissist, swanning down the stairs, smirking, mouthing off and starring in her own little true crime drama in a public place. She was galloping all over Genoa City so freely that it defies belief no one in law enforcement could catch her until she nobly gave herself up. Oh, that’s right. Chance is the only cop, and he spends valuable time providing marriage counseling to the perp’s daughter and co-conspirator. He can’t be expected to squeeze in tracking the whereabouts of Phyllis’s probable contacts too. Lily went in hard on Nate and it was really quite enjoyable to see his ego get punctured. Then he has the nads to pout his way back home like he’s the victim. Good one, Side Part. Diane, shut the fuck up. Stop defending Summer and pushing Kyle to forgive her. Pomp has seen the Phyllis within and it scared the shit out of him. Let him have his space.

Mariah: Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been texting your ass 24/7. Kyle: i haven’t been ghosting you. Until now. Your attitude sucks big time. @@@@@@@@ Summer: I’ll have a smugtini while celebrating the return of the schmatta queen. It was totally my hard sell that wore her down and not proximity to Billy’s swizzle stick. Yeah, turns out swizzle sticks can have swizzle sticks. Who knew? Abby: Hey, asshole. Summer: Eek! Is there a hurricane blowing through town? @@@@@@@ Ashley: Flowers, champagne? What are we celebrating? Did Diane die in a fire? Tucker: Any night I get to stick my dick in crazy is worth celebrating. @@@@@@@ Jack: Nikki? Is someone else embalming Victor tonight? Nikki: I had to get away from the smell of death. Jack: Nick stopped by to use the bathroom, huh? Nikki: After eating at Zippy’s Clam Shack, no less. Won’t you join me? Jack: Sure. What the hell. Nikki: How’s everything going? How is Jabot? Jack: You treacherous slag! @@@@@@@@@ Diane: Let me buy you a drink, Billy. Billy: Dilly. Diane: Pardon? Billy: That will be our smoosh name. Like Philly, only classier. Dilly dilly! Diane: Um, I just wanted to discuss Jabot. Put your knobby knees together and get your coat. Billy: I’m too lazy to move past the office door. I’ll pour some drinks here. It’s okay if you check out my firm and supple rear suite. Jack never needs to know. @@@@@@@ Nikki: After all we’ve been through, you dare accuse me of being a spy? In front of Neil’s portrait at that! Blasphemer! I’ll take my beverage to go. Jack: Okay, okay. Even though your husband had me replaced with a narcotics trafficker who repeatedly raped my wife, I apologize for my reflexive mistrust of Newmans. Nikki: That’s showing the proper deference. It remains to be seen if Neil will forgive you. Considering your unseemly outburst, I presume things are going poorly at Jabot. Jack: Poorly? Summer rewarded my confidence in her by hiring a designer of visual vomit as Marchetti’s creative director. My brother is manspreading so excessively at work that each leg needs its own desk. Ashley started ritualistically summoning demons in the basement of our home to harass Diane. The struggle is real. @@@@@@@@ Summer: I suppose you’re here to tell me everything is my fault. Just remember, as my dad says, when you point a finger at someone, there’s still a thumb up your ass. Abby: When it comes to the marriage between my cousin and niece, I’m neutral. Also, I don’t give a shit. Call me Shitzerland. Summer: I desperately need to unburden myself. Kyle doesn’t trust me anymore, like covering for my asylum escapee mother was some kind of personal betrayal. Abby: I know all about betrayed husbands. Lol! Remember when I slept with your hubby? Summer: Let’s change the subject. How did you happen to walk face first into a frying pan while inside a wind tunnel? @@@@@@@ Diane: Now don’t be offended- Billy: I don’t get offended. I do the offending. Winks. Diane: I know you feel that letting Ashley and Tucker toddle off on their own with no pushback is a solid strategy. Billy: You agreed with me. Diane: Yes, but I’ve been worrying ever since I decided your opinion had any merit. There’s a first time for everything, sure, but what if those two fuckers take off with patents and products? Billy: Who cares? I’ve got a sweet new Cool Ranch cologne coming out for teenage playas this summer. Diane: It’s important to protect Jack and Jabot from their machinations. If Ashley and Tucker come after us, I’d hate for Jack to get down in the mud. Billy: They don’t want this smoke. Now admit you want me to get down and dirty or I’ll just go back to airing out my undercarriage. @@@@@@@@@ Mariah: I had to find out from Tessa that you left Marchetti. Kyle: Well excuuuuuse me for not immediately notifying you as my life fell apart around my ears. Next time, you’ll be the first to know. Mariah: You fucking idiot. What do you think friendship means? I would have accepted being fifth to know. Kyle: Well, Summer and I officially separated. The sight of her pout face was intolerable to me, so I told her to GTFO. Mariah: That’s a shame. Kyle: Very sincere. My dad felt it was best that Summer and I not bring the awkwardness to the office, so he promoted her far beyond her competence and offered me head of the fertilizer division. There is no fertilizer division. Mariah: Then what does your Uncle Billy produce there? Kyle: I haven’t slept in a week. Harrison is confused and keeps asking where Mama Butthole is. Mariah: I am sorry that it’s hurting you and Harrison. Kyle: Don’t be. I’m living my best life. @@@@@@@@ Ashley: Let’s drink to finding the porn stache and freeing Phyllis to run roughshod over Diane. Hahaha! Tucker: Or we could toast to our new company, our engagement and the true and passionate love we feel for one another. Record scratch. Ashley: Don’t be such an emo douchebag. We’re having fun, vengeance is mine and we both understand this is a strictly a transactional relationship. Tucker: It’s not transactional for me. Now I kind of feel like a man whore though. Ashley: We both understand this is transactional. La la la. I can’t hear anything you say. Tucker: Have you ever known joy in your life? Ashley: Once. I had convinced Jack that John Abbott wasn’t his father. The look of sheer devastation on his face carried me aloft on a velvety magic carpet of joy. Tucker: I’m froused. Frightened and aroused. @@@@@@@@ Abby: I’m not, like, in your marriage, so I can’t advise you. Plus, and I cannot stress this strongly enough, I do not give a shit. How’s about you take a “hang in there” and let that keep you warm at night? Summer: Well, this is all Diane’s fault anyways. She could have killed my mother and Kyle needs to accept that. Abby: You sound like my mother. That is not a compliment. Summer: I’m sooo glad I don’t live with the Abbotts anymore. Sure, Jack begged me to stay. I’m like his favorite kid ever since he saw me shoot out of my mom’s vajayjay. Him and Ashley are throwing down and it’s getting real ugly. Again, all Diane’s fault. Abby: I thought my mother would be so busy planning her wedding to Tucker that she wouldn’t have time to constantly shit on Uncle Jack. Summer: He should get his suits made out of toilet paper and kitty litter. Note to self: pass suggestion on to Chelsea. So which side are you on? Abby: Uncle Jack is the only normal person I know, so I’d hate to go against him. On the other hand, my mother is a spite driven entity.it doesn’t seem wise to cross her. Summer: What a wuss. Choosing neither side is like choosing all sides. Abby: Asshole. Hastily texts her mother about the new company. @@@@@@@@ Nikki: I certainly hold no love in my heart for your sister. Victor kept her as a thrall for much longer than I would have liked. But have you considered this new company is her way of coping with your poor romantic choices? Jack: Uhhhh, no? Nikki: I know you can be ruthless in business when you want to be. You spent years battling Victor. Do you really want to become that guy again? Against your own family? Jack: Fuck yes. Ashley has a hair across her ass about me. I don’t know if Tucker put it there or what, but I’m sick of it. Nikki: Tucker isn’t your usual kettle of fish. He’s more like a cauldron of sharks. Jack: If a shark could make coffee that tastes like ambrosia squeezed from the teats of a goddess. By the way, thanks for not shitting on Diane tonight. Nikki: I’ll never like Diane. She did frame me for murder after all. Jack: Those five hours in prison were some of the hardest of your life, I know. Nikki: Quite so. However, I promise not to gather a posse of lunatics with torches and pitchforks again. Neil would disapprove. Jack: Neil was all about friendship. You can feel the magical aura of kindness radiating throughout this jazz lounge. Oddly enough, you can kinda feel an invisible pole of self-righteousness wedged in your ass too. Such an uncomfortable blessing. Nikki: I was drawn here tonight by that portrait. It beckoned me. Neil and I spent many wonderful nights blitzed out of our minds, talking smack about about our friends and family. Jack: You followed Neil’s example by extending an invitation to me tonight and getting on your high horse a couple of times. Peace be with you. Nikki: Namaste. @@@@@@@@ Ashley: Here’s to destroying Jabot one employee at a time. Tucker: Sigh. Ashley: It’ll be great! We’ll offer them more money, titles, benefits… and if that doesn’t work, we’ll kidnap and deprogram them. Tucker: Like why bother with employees who are loyal to Jack? Why waste money essentially trying to bribe them? We can hire people who aren’t aware that you’re crazy . Ashley: We must expose Diane, which will expose Jack’s terrible judgement. We’ll spread rumors that Diane microwaves fish in the staff lounge. I’ll need to hire an intern to warm up herring two days a week. Tucker: I refuse to discuss this plan of yours until you confess your love to me. Ashley: You’re such a wet mop. Tucker: I’m sorry. It’s hard to get it up to pillow talk about killing Jabot. Ashley: Kill it? I don’t want it to die! I simply want to pants the CEO, ruin his relationships, undermine his authority and convince the employees to abandon a sinking Jaboat. When the company is reduced to a cinder, we swoop in and absorb it. I’ll be a hero! Tucker: Yeah, your dad would be real proud. Do you love me or not? Ashley: Words are worthless. Fucking says it all. @@@@@@@@ Mariah: Your best life? Have you been sniffing your Sharpies again? Kyle: So now you’re telling me how to feel? Mariah: I’ll be telling you to fuck yourself if you don’t lose the attitude. Is this your hardo brave act? Save it for Harrison. Kyle: I’m happy. I’m finally free to seize my own destiny. Mariah: Not the hats again. I hate to agree with Summer about anything, but… Kyle: I’m going to work at Newman Media for Audra Charles. She’s passionate, driven, passionate… Mariah: Should you be making big decisions when you’re angry? Kyle: I’ve never seen things more clearly. The outside world can stop calling me a nepo baby and leaving pacifiers in my mailbox. Mariah: Fuck the outside world. Kyle: Sure, but it’s haaaarrrdddd when everyone thinks you’ve climbed the corporate ladder because you’re the boss’ son. Waaahhhh. You should join me. For real. Mariah: Dude, I should quit my job because you’ve got diaper rash over your family drama? I have a family not named Abbott. I need the paycheck. Kyle: Newman Media doesn’t pay in seashells, you know. Look, war is coming to Jabot. Go AWOL before you get fragged like me. Or eat shit. I don’t care either way. Mariah: Are you mad because I won’t resign my job to take a flier on your brand new workplace? Is this what we’re doing now? Kyle: I’m taking my balls and going to Newman. Enjoy working with Summer! @@@@@@@@ Diane: I think there’s been a misunderstanding, Billy. I think you’re gross and your nostrils are upsetting local weather patterns. I’m not trying to flirt. Billy: Like I said, I’m impossible to offend. Plus I sincerely believe all women desire this swag bag. Diane: I’ve been working hard on my to-do list and learning my duties. Worrying about Ashley is distracting. That’s why I think we need a decisive plan to kick her ass. Billy: I have a wild idea that you may not like much. However, it would help protect Jack and Jabot and mess with Ashley’s beehive of a mind. Diane: I’m all ears. Billy: Resign. Boom. Ashley and Tucker deflate faster than my dick after sex with Chelsea. Ashley looks like a jerk if she still comes at Jabot with her main target bowing out. Diane: That plan sucks. It’s like the Billy Abbott’s nostrils of plans. Billy: It’s fucking brilliant. No one will see it coming. It just needs to emerge from your piehole. Jack: What’s this? A secret meeting? Diane: Billy was just teaching me how to short sheet Ashley’s bed. We need a wide variety of tactics. Jack: You’re still with me aren’t you, Billy? Billy: I would fuck a wife for you, buddy.

Are Adam, Sharon and Nick about to form an unholy corporate triumvirate? What will they produce? Bitter booger muffins? Jock strap shaped cookies? Novelty banana dildos? Inquiring minds do not wish to know.

Well, at least Phyllis ditched that stupid wig. It’s great for her that no one ever uses the park in Genoa City, bustling home of numerous corporations. Running a business is like baking bread, but JG writing soap opera business stories is like cooking string beans. A stench permeates the room, the product is damp and slimy and NinjaPenguins wants fuck all to do with any of it. Jack, you big dummy, Ashley doesn’t need Tucker dripping poison in her ear. Her brain is pretty much a cyanide sponge already. And yes, the house certainly misses Summer’s joyful, lighthearted presence. It’s like one goofy thing after another keeps coming out of Jack’s mouth. Kyle has no game. His flirting with Audra was a rich source of secondhand embarrassment. Stop while you’re behind, Pomp.

Hope you’re feeling better, boes. Coincidentally, my television came down with a bacterial infection today, some new form of virtual syphilis, I guess. You captured the Summer/Daniel conversation perfectly. Summer doesn’t seem to grasp the difference between ruining your child’s life and loving your child, which is honestly just a shining testament to what amazing parents Nick and Phyllis were. So Daniel’s game thingy is sweeping the continent of South America. I’d like to think Marco Anicelli is out there, selling pirated copies to all the Peruvian cokeheads.

It’s just baffling to me where Summer gets her narcissism from. I think I’ve figured out the Summer Newman Abbott routine: ME ME ME Pout Arms Crossed. I actually felt bad for Buttbiscuit, standing there with the expression of a man whose cavernous nostrils had inhaled three years worth of Nick farts while Summer went all whiny titty baby on his ass. To top it all off, Jason Thompson really showed some acting chops by keeping a straight face while Billy was praising Summer to the skies for her business acumen. Wait, wait! I’ve discovered the source of Summer’s damage - some nutter in the park having conversations with an imaginary nemesis and making high-larious jokes about being a better person. Seriously, Phyllis has learned nothing, will never learn anything and yet is somehow supposed to be sympathetic. I simply can’t wait until she and Ashley get together and amplify each other’s worst tendencies. Tucker remains delightful. I would love to have him as a houseguest.

I think I sort of like Diane because she’s not Phyllis. That’s it. I’m not invested in her relationship with Jack, and I kind of resent her for bringing Kyle into the world, but, hey… at least Diane didn’t cause Summer’s existence. Jack should fire Summer immediately for having poor enough judgement to offer Chelsea a job.

Somewhere, Nick Newman feels seen. Ashley and Jack both sound like idiots, blaming each other’s fiancee for them not getting along. Ashley has a bonus aura of deranged obsession though. I think of him as an upside down toilet brush, mostly due to the hair.

Tucker is pure gold. And my beloved Jack is becoming such an uptight ninny. Why did we need a flashback of Kyle ordering flowers and jewelry for Audra? What an oddball way to fill time.

Kyle very much overrates himself, but I suppose since he’s gotten his bouffant sprung by Audra, he’s feeling a confidence boost. Getting a high level job at the company your family owns is barely an achievement, buddy, but congratulations on escaping your deranged sister wife.. Little does Kyle realize that dopey Daniel has summoned a demon to interfere with his newfound freedom. Speaking of achieving career success, I know I’ve gotten a number of lucrative jobs just sitting at breakfast across from a swizzle stick. Of course, these excellent, informal job offers come right on the heels of my current employer stopping by the restaurant to pretend some ridiculously bad idea of mine is actually prospering. Very relatable content.

I like Audra and I like Adam. While they seem like a good match on paper, something isn’t working for me. It’s like… their energies don’t match, I guess? Audra seems very extroverted while Adam is very inwardly directed and brooding. Besides, knowing the writing on this show, Audra would end up stealing McCall from him and fucking Nick.

Yes. And now I’m going to impugn other characters, as is my wont. Shut your fucking face, Sally. Buttbiscuit is more tolerable to me than you are, which is an absolute scriptwriting war crime. You should be sympathetic, but your attachment to an ambulatory armpit fart curb stomped that possibility. Treating Adam the way you do is an ugly, ugly look and so is your obvious jealousy of Sharon and Faith. Please, show, no more scenes of Sally and Nick hunkered down in that depressing room, making cow eyes while awkwardly stroking each other’s limbs. As if it’s not lovely enough to watch Sally treat Adam like Genoa City’s greatest monster, Victor is trash talking his son to Audra out of one side of his mustache and asking Nick to help Adam out of the other. Chelsea’s game would be a success in the same way Nick would be a reigning Jeopardy champion. Chloe is a tad late to the Pay Tribute to Chelsea tour, but better late than never, I guess. Lol@Summer thinking she totally burned Audra on her way up the stairs. I bet Audra could chew Summer up and spit her dumb ass out. It seems like Daniel has decided to say “fuck it all” and drop a Mom bomb right on his sister. Holy shit, I just realized how stunningly stupid Nick’s hair is. Dude, no.

Free advice for Jack Abbott, scones not included: Don’t leave money, Afrin or wives where Billy can see them. Don’t stick your dick in crazy. Don’t ever, ever choose Summer. Ever. Is Kyle a bland disappointment, walking around with a duck’s butt on his head, mooning people via poultry? You’re damn skippy he is. He’s still better than his toxic dipshit wife. I think Marchetti will probably be fine without Summer’s sepia-toned vision. Don’t ruin my love for Jack, show. You’ve ruined so much already.

I had to work yesterday due to the holiday today, and I’m very sad to learn that I missed the scenes of JG running headfirst into the limits of his imagination. It must have been spectacular. Why in the fuck does every character on this show have to work at a corporation? We used to have two whole doctors on this show! Now we have Nate achieving an almost sublime level of unlikeable smarminess. Sally the fashion designer was shoehorned into Newman and sexually harassed by a superannuated dick-in-a-box who’d be competing in the Pocket Pool League, Midwest Division if not for his last name. Wasn’t Diane an architect? Why doesn’t Sharon actually, like, I dunno, use her psychology degree in a pastry-free environment? JG must think business stories are easy to write and just a matter of assembling a collection of bullshit corporate buzzwords. He clearly thinks we’re dumb enough to find it interesting and believable. Shoving everyone into the same job is boring and lazy and he keeps doubling down on it. Dig up, stupid!

Goodness me, I’m so delighted that Nick has nobly returned to his job as Sally’s self-appointed social secretary. Does Cameron’s company make whoopie cushions or truck nutz? If so, Sharon has definitely found someone to unload it on. Speaking of loads, I wonder if Jack had hip waders on under his pants with the way he was shoveling bullshit at Summer. Creative force behind Marchetti? Summer is only creative when it comes to creating fantasies about who her mother is and what she’s done. Kyle is 1000% right to cut ties with the toxic Summers women. Why the people who ostensibly care for him want that horrible hot mess in his life, I do not get. Let his bouffant roam free, Jack and Mariah. Didn’t interesting things used to happen on Fridays?

Soap operas are supposed to make the audience feel something, otherwise, what are we even doing here? I’m not too proud to admit that I’ve loathed that turd Nicholas through multiple writers. Still, fuck JG. He’s magically made most of the characters unlikeable at various times.

I can definitely see HK’s Summer running a high powered lemonade stand, managing a Claire’s in the mall or possessing the grit to lead a gang of pre-schoolers in a revolt to replace their juice boxes with Capri Sun. Her persuasion skills might be limited to forcing teachers to respect the pouch (RESPECT IT!), but all actors have their limitations.

Dead. Chance needs to take off all his clothes and arrest WhitneyWhit. JG doubling down on his hateful, willful ignorance of situations like Sally’s just to shit on Adam enrages me. Hey, dummy, women watch this show. I’m starting to wonder why I do, what with the dead cat, misogyny and ham-fisted efforts to paint Phyllis as anything less than a soulless felon. A masterful summation of JG’s writing style. Everything goes in circles, swirling around a porcelain opening until the level of suck manages to drag all the floaters into the sewer.