S03.E07: A Fractured Inheritance

[Ilovepie]

On 11/2/2018 at 10:36 AM, Enginerd said:

I think forgiving is often a good thing to do for yourself and your own peace and happiness, but that you aren't morally obligated to do it and you aren't a bad person if you haven't achieved it. Also, it can mean different things. Sometimes it means repairing the relationship, sometimes it means letting the issue go, sometimes it means letting the person go by accepting that they're toxic and cutting them out of your life so they can't hurt you anymore. Unfortunately, horrible people often use the concept to bully others into "forgiving" aka not fighting back or protecting themselves and exposing themselves to continuing harm.

I agree with all of this. I have had a lot of therapy to deal with a lot of hurt from a parent and step-parent that pretty much ignored me through high school when they had a child together, and sometimes even to this day they do things that remind me I'm not really "their" kid (and I'm in my 40's now). I felt/feel very bitter and angry sometimes. Who does that hurt? Certainly not them! When I was younger I tried to forgive them, but I was always still feeling hurt and angry. Then I was told something that finally helped me: Forgiveness isn't really a feeling. True forgiveness is moving past that hurt and anger to treat the offender like it is in the past. I can still be hurt but yet treat my parents with love. Is it hard? Very! I think this is exactly what Eleanor did with her mom. By working things out with her mom and parting on good terms she is in essence forgiving her, but Eleanor clearly isn't just "over it" because she did that. I think this episode really resonates with anyone who has been betrayed by a parent, and I think KB did a great job portraying it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it was essentially the same response she had to her mom on Veronica Mars.......

[Paloma]

2 hours ago, Ilovepie said:

On 11/2/2018 at 1:36 PM, Enginerd said:

I think forgiving is often a good thing to do for yourself and your own peace and happiness, but that you aren't morally obligated to do it and you aren't a bad person if you haven't achieved it. Also, it can mean different things. Sometimes it means repairing the relationship, sometimes it means letting the issue go, sometimes it means letting the person go by accepting that they're toxic and cutting them out of your life so they can't hurt you anymore. Unfortunately, horrible people often use the concept to bully others into "forgiving" aka not fighting back or protecting themselves and exposing themselves to continuing harm.

I agree with all of this. I have had a lot of therapy to deal with a lot of hurt from a parent and step-parent that pretty much ignored me through high school when they had a child together, and sometimes even to this day they do things that remind me I'm not really "their" kid (and I'm in my 40's now). I felt/feel very bitter and angry sometimes. Who does that hurt? Certainly not them! When I was younger I tried to forgive them, but I was always still feeling hurt and angry. Then I was told something that finally helped me: Forgiveness isn't really a feeling. True forgiveness is moving past that hurt and anger to treat the offender like it is in the past. I can still be hurt but yet treat my parents with love. Is it hard? Very! I think this is exactly what Eleanor did with her mom. By working things out with her mom and parting on good terms she is in essence forgiving her, but Eleanor clearly isn't just "over it" because she did that. I think this episode really resonates with anyone who has been betrayed by a parent, and I think KB did a great job portraying it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it was essentially the same response she had to her mom on Veronica Mars.......

That's a good way of looking at what Eleanor did with her mom--not "over it" but able to move past it. I couldn't do it with my mother, even in my 60s, because she continued to be toxic until the end of her life (even sent me a final letter basically cursing my existence). At least Eleanor's mom seemed to be no longer cruel.

[Ilovepie]

17 hours ago, Paloma said:

That's a good way of looking at what Eleanor did with her mom--not "over it" but able to move past it. I couldn't do it with my mother, even in my 60s, because she continued to be toxic until the end of her life (even sent me a final letter basically cursing my existence). At least Eleanor's mom seemed to be no longer cruel.

I am so sorry!!!! I hope that you were able to get help and healing to deal with your parental situation. It sometimes amazes me the damage that parents inflict on their children. Sometimes severing ties is the healthiest. My husband did that with his father who ignored him because unless my husband reached out first, he never made any effort with him. When my husband got fed up with always being the initiator and stopped calling, his father just never called us again. We have two kids (the oldest is 14!) that his father and stepmother are aware of because we still exchange Christmas cards, but they have never reached out to us once. Two grandchildren they have never met and a son that they haven't spoken to in 15 years. Meanwhile they are very involved with my husband's three step siblings and their kids and his half sister. Unbelievable to me. I know all of this is way off topic but this episode just struck a nerve for me.

[Chewy101]

On 11/2/2018 at 6:50 AM, DrSpaceman73 said:

The only thing about the Eleanor/mom storyline is I know I have seen that exact same plot used before about the changed mom and the daughter being upset she never changed for her, but I can't pinpoint in my brain was other show it was.  And I don't mean the kind of same idea, but almost exact same story

I was thinking of the show Teachers, where one of the teachers (Chelsea) had to face her mom being a better stepmom than actual mom, when her mom's new stepdaughter was a student in Chelsea's class. 

Edited April 24, 2019 by Chewy101

[Chewy101]

On 11/13/2018 at 12:25 PM, Ilovepie said:

That's a good way of looking at what Eleanor did with her mom--not "over it" but able to move past it. I couldn't do it with my mother, even in my 60s, because she continued to be toxic until the end of her life (even sent me a final letter basically cursing my existence). At least Eleanor's mom seemed to be no longer cruel.

I get criticized  every time someone corners me and I have to admit I don't talk to my mother. But you nailed it, that some people are just toxic. I am always there for family needs, but I can't be friends with my mother, and the "but she's your mother!" line holds no weight. She should be in jail. I can wish her well, but from afar, and safely in another state, lol. This episode hurts, definitely. There is an anger towards a crappy parent, and also a deep grief and mourning the loss of what should have been and wasn't., and the show did a god job of acknowledging that pain. 

[Chewy101]

On 11/2/2018 at 6:45 PM, Mabinogia said:

I think she hated normal stuff because she learned pretty early on that it wasn't an option for her. It was easier to "hate" it than to wish for it, knowing it wouldn't happen. So when she saw that it could have happened, but for some reason her mom didn't make it happen for her, it hurt that much more. 

It is a very real thing, so I'm not surprised that many shows have done it. 

Wishing for a four toothbrush family is pretty trite. I hope she aims higher. This scene reminded me of how annoying it was when I played Life with my siblings. Oh look! A pink peg! And now a blue peg! I'm winning! I have now achieved kids and taxes. I have arrived! Such a cookie cutter world. 

[cpcathy]

3 hours ago, Chewy101 said:

I get criticized  every time someone corners me and I have to admit I don't talk to my mother. But you nailed it, that some people are just toxic. I am always there for family needs, but I can't be friends with my mother, and the "but she's your mother!" line holds no weight. She should be in jail. I can wish her well, but from afar, and safely in another state, lol. This episode hurts, definitely. There is an anger towards a crappy parent, and also a deep grief and mourning the loss of what should have been and wasn't., and the show did a god job of acknowledging that pain. 

Excellent point. I told a counselor once I never loved my father, and she was aghast. To me it was no big thing, he had never earned any affection from me.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Chewy101 said:

Wishing for a four toothbrush family is pretty trite. I hope she aims higher. This scene reminded me of how annoying it was when I played Life with my siblings. Oh look! A pink peg! And now a blue peg! I'm winning! I have now achieved kids and taxes. I have arrived! Such a cookie cutter world. 

It’s interesting because I saw that scene completely different. The line that stood out to me was about the parent toothbrushes taking care of the kid toothbrushes. I thought that her breakdown was because she didn’t have parents that took care of her rather than her being sad over not having children of her own. To me it was Eleanor mourning the fact that she never had a real childhood. 

[Mabinogia]

1 hour ago, Dani said:

It’s interesting because I saw that scene completely different. The line that stood out to me was about the parent toothbrushes taking care of the kid toothbrushes. I thought that her breakdown was because she didn’t have parents that took care of her rather than her being sad over not having children of her own. To me it was Eleanor mourning the fact that she never had a real childhood. 

That was my take. She pretty much had to raise herself. There was no one there to tell her to brush her teeth, to teach her right from wrong, to comfort her when she was scared, etc. I think most people want to have a childhood where they are cared for and loved and that is what she was sad over, she never had that. It's really amazing she turned out as decent as she did given her childhood. 

[aradia22]

Andy Daly as Dave was perfect. This show nails its casting.

I still don't understand Kamilah's character. A pretentious artist of that ilk would not have such expertly applied eye makeup.

I guess the reconciliation is nice... idk. I'm losing interest in the helping others get into the Good Place plot since it seems to be all about their own friends and family.