Stress, Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health-related things

[shapeshifter]

13 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Whenever I feel down on myself, it can be hard to hear a compliment. 

Ah. Yes.
I like that there’s a word for it these days:
Imposter Syndrome (wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome)

See also: cambridgenetwork.co.uk/news/imposter-syndrome-enters-oxford-english-dictionary

Edited September 28, 2023 by shapeshifter

[GHScorpiosRule]

WRONG THREAD!

Edited September 28, 2023 by GHScorpiosRule

[RealHousewife]

On 9/27/2023 at 7:45 PM, shapeshifter said:

Ah. Yes.
I like that there’s a word for it these days:
Imposter Syndrome (wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome)

See also: cambridgenetwork.co.uk/news/imposter-syndrome-enters-oxford-english-dictionary

Thank you. I never heard of this before.

[PRgal]

On 9/27/2023 at 8:45 PM, shapeshifter said:

Ah. Yes.
I like that there’s a word for it these days:
Imposter Syndrome (wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome)

See also: cambridgenetwork.co.uk/news/imposter-syndrome-enters-oxford-english-dictionary

I think the whole ethno-cultural identity thing has made Imposter Syndrome more rampant with some groups, especially non-Anglo Protestant ethnic groups who are successful.  Which is A LOT of people.  Some are better at realizing it than others.  My dad doesn't feel it, but maybe because I hear/see the identity/"you must decolonize" rhetoric so much that I feel it more.  Especially when I (apparently) bastardize food related to my heritage.  I shouldn't care, but the criticism is rampant at times.  :(

[oliviabenson]

A relative sent me a picture of my grandma, she died before I was born. 
 

My mom looked like her. Grief hit me so hard, I can’t see though the tears. 
 

I miss my mom so much. She’s been gone for 5 years. It’s so hard without her…

[oliviabenson]

Sometimes a good long ugly cry does help. My body was so tired from the crying I had a very long sleep. Usually I sleep terribly.

Edited October 5, 2023 by oliviabenson

[RealHousewife]

15 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

Sometimes a hood long ugly cry does help. My body was so tired from the crying I had a very long sleep. Usually I sleep terribly.

Big hug Olivia. 🥰

[oliviabenson]

3 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Big hug Olivia. 🥰

Thank you.

[Milburn Stone]

On 5/20/2023 at 6:13 PM, shapeshifter said:

My daughter thought I'd be better off in a condo. I absolutely hate it and find it depressing. I have looked at realtor.com almost every day since I moved here a year and a half ago...

@shapeshifter, can you talk about why you hate it? We live in a house, but are of an age that the desirably/necessity of someday living in a doorman-building condo flits through my head.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Milburn Stone said:

@shapeshifter, can you talk about why you hate it? We live in a house, but are of an age that the desirably/necessity of someday living in a doorman-building condo flits through my head.

It might depend upon which condo.
But, what do you expect from a condo that you can afford that you do not currently have? 

For starters:

• I hate having all views obstructed by brick buildings, parking lots, and cars.
  I want a view of water — even just a pond — or at the very least, the sky.
• I hate having to go downstairs to get outside, and then not having any privacy outside. 
• I hate having to get approvals to do such things as bring my dryer vent up to code.
• I hate paying for excessive mowing of an environmentally ruinous lawn.
   

[Laura Holt]

1 hour ago, Milburn Stone said:

We live in a house, but are of an age that the desirably/necessity of someday living in a doorman-building condo flits through my head.

My parents lived in a condo for years and loved it but as they got older it actually became more of a problem.  They were on the top floor and as my mom became more incapacitated there was always the worry that should they need to be evacuated it would prove challenging, to say the least! 

And the condo is only as good as the management/maintenance so on days when one or two (of the three) elevators was down, well, that was a lot of fun.  Two octogenarians are not going to be using the stairs even if both of them were in the best of health!

There are also expenses with a condo that you may not anticipate - for instance my parents had to pay $25k towards window replacement for the building a few  years before they moved.

 

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Laura Holt said:

My parents lived in a condo for years and loved it but as they got older it actually became more of a problem. 

Thank you for stating this and explaining it. The myth that condos are a good place to grow old and die needs to be debunked.

Most condos in my area do not have elevators at all.
My 85-year-old (disabled) and 90-year-old upstairs neighbors have to climb 3 flights of stairs from the garage, including with their groceries. 
I casually suggested they consider a place without stairs, but they didn't seem to think that was possible. I wonder if they got one of those reverse mortgage loans back when they only anticipated living to 80 at the most. They used to spend winters in SC, but cannot anymore. 😔

1 hour ago, Laura Holt said:

There are also expenses with a condo that you may not anticipate - for instance my parents had to pay $25k towards window replacement for the building a few  years before they moved.

My 90-year-old uncle and my aunt have lived in a condo in Florida for about 30 years. It is a couple of miles from those condos that collapsed a couple of years ago; their condo buildings were built the same year by the same people, but their association has kept up with the necessary upgrades to prevent such a disaster. However, that also means that just these past couple of years work has been done that is going to cost each condo owner $50K. 😯🤑💸
When you're 90, I guess it's mostly a matter of whether or not you can afford it. Fortunately, my aunt inherited enough money.
Plus they've both been working from home for about 15 years. 

[athousandclowns]

I really like the condo community where I live. Tall pine trees and grass. 
The  buildings only have 4 units in each and none facing directly. . Two story and three story.  Big shopping center 3 blocks away. I hate the HOA with a passion and have no intention in getting involved. I had to get permission from property management for a ring door bell and they reviewed then had to be approved by HoA at monthly meeting. 

[nokat]

On 9/18/2023 at 11:33 AM, shapeshifter said:

Maybe take a break from fanfic and join  a writing group or enroll in writing a course?

I've thought of doing this.  I've heard of how cruel people can be.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, nokat said:

I've thought of doing this.  I've heard of how cruel people can be.

In a writing course?
 

[nokat]

23 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

In a writing course?
 

Yes. I don't think it is usual and it may depend on how sensitive you are.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, nokat said:

Yes. I don't think it is usual and it may depend on how sensitive you are.

I still recall being unpleasantly surprised in the 1980s in a community college painting course at the instructor's harshness, which was then copied by the students during group critiques. (I was a slightly older student.) 

Any negative feedback can be needlessly upsetting when given in a non-affirming manner.

So, maybe do some online research about the person teaching the class?
We now have access to student feedback.

Edited October 8, 2023 by shapeshifter

[Cloud9Shopper]

I don’t know where else to put this. Just want to vent that with Christmas coming…I hate it and it stresses me out. I think the most notable reasons are:

I hate how early the “season” starts. I was hearing Christmas music and seeing decorations in a store even before Halloween. I hate the Mariah Carey memes everyone thinks they are so funny and clever for posting on November 1. It’s so played out. 

I hate the pressure and the fact that there is no time to relax. In my family, the gatherings are on Christmas Eve (when I also have to go to Mass) and Christmas Day. Christmas Day is spent running around to two different houses and spending virtually all day with family with barely any time to myself. By the time I do get to relax, I’m exhausted and miserable from all the running around. Skipping a gathering is not acceptable in my family. I realize it’s important for my grandparents (dad’s parents; mom’s parents are gone several years now) and they are not the selfish type to make it all about them, but I just wish I could have the nice relaxing Christmas at home with or without the perfect family photo that it seems like everyone else has. Everyone else looks so happy and appreciative on Christmas and I just want to get away from seeing my uncle’s relatives whose names I barely know.

And the gift giving. My family does not want to stop that either. I switched a couple years ago and started joint gifts for couples and single gifts for my brother who’s single and my niece. I have not gotten much grief about this but my mom keeps telling me things I could get her even after I have expressed I am done with individual gifts shopping. My niece is the only little kid in the family now (and my cousin and his wife are having a baby next year, but we don’t exchange with each other anyway) and I hate that my family still refuses to drop the charade of buying 10+ individual presents and having to sit around the living room watching people open gifts you won’t even remember next year. And yes. For the record I would be happy not to receive anymore gifts or just get a gift card or money. 

I feel bad because I know I am supposed to like Christmas and be happy about it. But I wish it were a lower key day like Thanksgiving or Easter. On Thursday I will show up at my aunt’s house, eat, pretend I care about my dad’s cousin I see twice a year, and go home. Easy enough and no pressure to buy gifts. Easter I go to Mass and out to brunch and get to relax the rest of the day. Those are my kinds of holidays. Not Christmas which I think pretty soon will just start in August and all the expectations that come with it. 

 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Cloud9Shopper

[supposebly]

6 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I don’t know where else to put this. Just want to vent that with Christmas coming…I hate it and it stresses me out. I think the most notable reasons are:

I hate how early the “season” starts. I was hearing Christmas music and seeing decorations in a store even before Halloween. I hate the Mariah Carey memes everyone thinks they are so funny and clever for posting on November 1. It’s so played out. 

I hate the pressure and the fact that there is no time to relax. In my family, the gatherings are on Christmas Eve (when I also have to go to Mass) and Christmas Day. Christmas Day is spent running around to two different houses and spending virtually all day with family with barely any time to myself. By the time I do get to relax, I’m exhausted and miserable from all the running around. Skipping a gathering is not acceptable in my family. I realize it’s important for my grandparents (dad’s parents; mom’s parents are gone several years now) and they are not the selfish type to make it all about them, but I just wish I could have the nice relaxing Christmas at home with or without the perfect family photo that it seems like everyone else has. Everyone else looks so happy and appreciative on Christmas and I just want to get away from seeing my uncle’s relatives whose names I barely know.

And the gift giving. My family does not want to stop that either. I switched a couple years ago and started joint gifts for couples and single gifts for my brother who’s single and my niece. I have not gotten much grief about this but my mom keeps telling me things I could get her even after I have expressed I am done with individual gifts shopping. My niece is the only little kid in the family now (and my cousin and his wife are having a baby next year, but we don’t exchange with each other anyway) and I hate that my family still refuses to drop the charade of buying 10+ individual presents and having to sit around the living room watching people open gifts you won’t even remember next year. And yes. For the record I would be happy not to receive anymore gifts or just get a gift card or money. 

I feel bad because I know I am supposed to like Christmas and be happy about it. But I wish it were a lower key day like Thanksgiving or Easter. On Thursday I will show up at my aunt’s house, eat, pretend I care about my dad’s cousin I see twice a year, and go home. Easy enough and no pressure to buy gifts. Easter I go to Mass and out to brunch and get to relax the rest of the day. Those are my kinds of holidays. Not Christmas which I think pretty soon will just start in August and all the expectations that come with it. 

 

Your Christmas sounds like a nightmare to me. I'm not a fan either but I live a continent away from my family and it's nowhere near this exhausting.

Maybe you should move. Far, far away.....

I'm not serious but this would send me running for the hills every year. Or at least to a nice vacation away from family.

[Cloud9Shopper]

30 minutes ago, supposebly said:

Your Christmas sounds like a nightmare to me. I'm not a fan either but I live a continent away from my family and it's nowhere near this exhausting.

Maybe you should move. Far, far away.....

I'm not serious but this would send me running for the hills every year. Or at least to a nice vacation away from family.

I honestly think it would be better if we could stop the gifting for grown adults, all of who have jobs and plenty of money to buy things. And also part of why I stopped individual gifting is because I hate traffic and shopping crowds this time of year as well. Maybe once my grandparents are gone, for as much as I love them and will miss them, I can bring up some ideas for change to the family.  

I’m not sure yet what my plans are for gifting this year but part of me just wants to pick out a gift card for everyone that I think they’d appreciate and be done with it. At least then people can spend it on a favorite restaurant or something they know they’d use/need. (Not to mention gift cards can be purchased at drugstores or dollar stores as well and there’s not as much traffic and crowding to deal with.) Or I could do mason jar recipes or bake again. As far as gift cards…I remember reading an article pre-pandemic about how some people think gift cards aren’t personal enough or aren’t real gifts. Fortunately I can say my family isn’t that bad.

I did only start hating Christmas a few years ago, so clearly something changed. I don’t even really want to get a tree for my house. It’s just too much work and expectations. (Even my church choir practices get longer this time of year even though we’re doing the same songs we do every year but even the Mass has to be “perfect” and there’s more expectation because it’s Christmas Eve.)

Edited November 19, 2023 by Cloud9Shopper

[shapeshifter]

10 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

part of me just wants to pick out a gift card for everyone that I think they’d appreciate and be done with it. At least then people can spend it on a favorite restaurant or something they know they’d use/need. (Not to mention gift cards can be purchased at drugstores or dollar stores as well and there’s not as much traffic and crowding to deal with.)

The gift cards should reduce your stress with the least amount of effort. 

10 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

…I remember reading an article pre-pandemic about how some people think gift cards aren’t personal enough or aren’t real gifts. Fortunately I can say my family isn’t that bad.

Maybe put each gift card inside a blank holiday greeting card and then write a personal note of appreciation for the person receiving the card. The notes can just be a sentence or two.

My daughter showed me a list of notes of appreciation for her printed on decorative printer paper. The notes are about one sentence long. They are all anonymous. Each of the employees gets one. 
Maybe sometime after the holidays you could suggest your family does this next year. 
Then, eventually, it could become the main gift?
Of course someone would have to compile the lists for each participating family member, which might make anonymity impossible. But I don’t think anonymity is either necessary or a good thing for a family list of affirmations like it would be in a corporate setting.

Edited November 20, 2023 by shapeshifter

[shapeshifter]

I just had a distressing interaction at the local low-budget Urgent Care center, so I wrote a lengthy email ending with:

Quote

…I am elderly and have been sick for a week and am getting worse. 
PA Cassidy Smith seemed angry at me for existing and taking her time. It was very upsetting. I am still sick and have no diagnosis or treatment.
By telling me she did not have time for me, PA Cassidy Smith made me feel like it would be better if I do not seek medical treatment because my life is of no value.

 

[BlueSkies]

On 11/19/2023 at 5:28 PM, Cloud9Shopper said:

I honestly think it would be better if we could stop the gifting for grown adults, all of who have jobs and plenty of money to buy things. And also part of why I stopped individual gifting is because I hate traffic and shopping crowds this time of year as well. Maybe once my grandparents are gone, for as much as I love them and will miss them, I can bring up some ideas for change to the family.  

I’m not sure yet what my plans are for gifting this year but part of me just wants to pick out a gift card for everyone that I think they’d appreciate and be done with it. At least then people can spend it on a favorite restaurant or something they know they’d use/need. (Not to mention gift cards can be purchased at drugstores or dollar stores as well and there’s not as much traffic and crowding to deal with.) Or I could do mason jar recipes or bake again. As far as gift cards…I remember reading an article pre-pandemic about how some people think gift cards aren’t personal enough or aren’t real gifts. Fortunately I can say my family isn’t that bad.

I did only start hating Christmas a few years ago, so clearly something changed. I don’t even really want to get a tree for my house. It’s just too much work and expectations. (Even my church choir practices get longer this time of year even though we’re doing the same songs we do every year but even the Mass has to be “perfect” and there’s more expectation because it’s Christmas Eve.)

I kind of could relate with this.  It was suggested by a member in our family no presents this year.  Which is fine with me but some in my family are like the natural gift giver types.

 

 

I'm a moderately religious person.  Enjoy trying to make it to my childhood Church a few times a month.  I like the solemn rituals/service of it but don't feel at all necessary to impose religion on people.  But yeah there's part of me that doesn't like Christmas in that sense because it's people that go to Church like once or twice a year and it has more of a social dynamic there vs spiritual 

[supposebly]

In my family, only my parents get presents. They finally decided to stop gifting us "kids" this year, so we're almost there and I never have to think about Christmas presents ever again. Maybe next year, they tell us outright not to bother instead of the "you shouldn't have" AFTER they unwrap things.

Edited December 9, 2023 by supposebly

[Cloud9Shopper]

Yesterday was a terrible day and I’m still not really over it. I got four job rejections (these were ones where I didn’t even get an interview) and I asked for feedback from one job where I did get an interview. The recruiter said “oh it wasn’t because of a shortcoming on your part and it was a really hard decision!” and then she gave me some general advice for future interviews. So…helpful but also not. Honestly, I feel so worthless right now. Everyone keeps telling me “oh I’m sure you’ll get a job soon; you have such a great attitude!” or “I hope you find something soon!” Well, after 14 months since my layoff and hearing “you were great but we went in a different direction” I do feel worthless. The platitudes are no longer helping. If I am so great and people love me why am I still working in a call center? This does not happen to genuinely good job candidates. They get hired quickly and have their pick of offers.

I know I shouldn’t tie my worth to my career but I do. Especially because my family members and friends are nurses, engineers, have master’s degrees, get promotions. I am not proud to say I’m a customer service rep. And society does not respect customer service reps; look at the way people talk to call center employees when they’re frustrated and they get away with it too. I just want to have a job title that I can be happy to talk about with my family and earn a salary that I’m proud of and can live comfortably on and not be paycheck to paycheck.

Being rejected over and over does make me feel worthless, unwanted, like garbage. Working in a job that people don’t respect and the public can treat you badly makes me feel worse. One job even said they got an “unprecedented” number of applications and couldn’t consider me. This organization has 20 employees; we’re not exactly talking about FAANG here, and it’s not even tech. It was a nonprofit. What was unprecedented? They got 30 instead of five? 

I have tried to be positive so many times in the last year, but the positivity train has run out. I am just done and no amount of “I’m sure you’ll get a job soon!” will help at this point. I even question whether a career change is worth the time because every employer wants experience. I’m just ready to quit and accept my fate and work in call centers forever. I feel as if I don’t deserve anything better and I’m not worth anything to anyone. 

 

[Yeah No]

14 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Yesterday was a terrible day and I’m still not really over it. I got four job rejections (these were ones where I didn’t even get an interview) and I asked for feedback from one job where I did get an interview. The recruiter said “oh it wasn’t because of a shortcoming on your part and it was a really hard decision!” and then she gave me some general advice for future interviews. So…helpful but also not. Honestly, I feel so worthless right now. Everyone keeps telling me “oh I’m sure you’ll get a job soon; you have such a great attitude!” or “I hope you find something soon!” Well, after 14 months since my layoff and hearing “you were great but we went in a different direction” I do feel worthless. The platitudes are no longer helping. If I am so great and people love me why am I still working in a call center? This does not happen to genuinely good job candidates. They get hired quickly and have their pick of offers.

I know I shouldn’t tie my worth to my career but I do. Especially because my family members and friends are nurses, engineers, have master’s degrees, get promotions. I am not proud to say I’m a customer service rep. And society does not respect customer service reps; look at the way people talk to call center employees when they’re frustrated and they get away with it too. I just want to have a job title that I can be happy to talk about with my family and earn a salary that I’m proud of and can live comfortably on and not be paycheck to paycheck.

Being rejected over and over does make me feel worthless, unwanted, like garbage. Working in a job that people don’t respect and the public can treat you badly makes me feel worse. One job even said they got an “unprecedented” number of applications and couldn’t consider me. This organization has 20 employees; we’re not exactly talking about FAANG here, and it’s not even tech. It was a nonprofit. What was unprecedented? They got 30 instead of five? 

I have tried to be positive so many times in the last year, but the positivity train has run out. I am just done and no amount of “I’m sure you’ll get a job soon!” will help at this point. I even question whether a career change is worth the time because every employer wants experience. I’m just ready to quit and accept my fate and work in call centers forever. I feel as if I don’t deserve anything better and I’m not worth anything to anyone. 

 

I feel for you as I've been in the same place within the past 5 years.  Except I was able to eventually realize that it wasn't my fault.  It's ridiculous anymore to get a job in my opinion, especially if you're competing with a lot of other applicants and/or "bright, shiny people" that somehow have an edge over you in terms of presentation.  Unfortunately the more you let it get to you and you blame yourself, the less well you present yourself and it may in fact become a self fulfilling prophecy and vicious circle.  But even if you put your best foot forward every time you can still be turned down.  I eventually realized that I was not going to get anywhere but in my case I didn't have as much reason to continue as you do being my age so close to retirement and having a husband that works.  

I will say this, when I was younger I pushed on in spite of rejection because I had no choice.  I wouldn't have given up in your situation.  I don't think this is your fault.  You are just not hitting it right and it is probably that much harder these days for certain types of people (introverts, genuine, sensitive souls, etc.) to make the kind of impression they're looking for.  That's THEIR problem, though, not yours!  I eventually had to come to realize that I wasn't doing anything wrong per se, I was just not hitting it right and I was being passed over for reasons that are not my fault, like my age and the fact that I had been wrongfully terminated from my previous position.  There was no way to explain away that situation and I'm sure that didn't help my cause even if it wasn't my fault.  That was unfair but that's how employers will look at such things, unfortunately.

I don't know much about your situation but it sounds like call centers are not your specialty so why is it not possible to find temp. employment in your regular career?  I would try for that.  For example I was a high level exec. assistant (for Exec. VPs at Fortune 100 companies).  I wouldn't just accept a temp. position as a receptionist.  That WOULD feel like a huge step backwards and be quite demoralizing, so I understand how you feel.  If you could somehow find a temporary position on a higher level closer to your ideal level that might help.  Also, it might not be the worst thing to look for a position slightly below what you did before as a way to get back into the workforce but not stay with that either and continue to look for a better job.  It always looks better to be coming from one step down the ladder because aiming for advancement is always attractive to employers.  Coming from a call center might not look as attractive to them.  They are very linear, I have found.

I was often not lucky in terms of which positions I interviewed for.  I interviewed at a college I'd have loved to work for (as I had 10 early years of experience in higher ed.) but the department and the people were just not my cup of tea so I didn't get the job.  I could have thought of ten other departments that I would have wanted to work for more and people there that I would have clicked with, but I was never lucky enough to find a job posting in one of those departments.  Then just last week I saw the Linkedin profile of a woman I used to work with at my last company who was also an executive assistant and she is now employed in one of those cool departments at that college.  How did she get in there?  Luck, I suppose.  Being in the right place at the right time.  And perseverance.  Honestly, in terms of experience and skills and presentation I have the edge, so it was especially a downer for me to see that.  The one thing she had over me?  Being over 10 years my junior!  So there you go....

I know it's easy for us women to let what we see as others' devaluing of us as what we deserve, but you have to fight that or you will stay in this situation unfortunately.  My mother was my best coach when she was alive.  She would tell me I had to get mad and fight it, LOL.  She was right.  Don't wallow, get mad, these people don't appreciate you and you are worth much more than they know.  These days there are so many applicants they don't know how to choose the best ones anymore.  They often let the best candidate go in favor of an inferior one.  How many times have I heard of actors that were not chosen the first time around but were a second or third choice that for one reason or another eventually got the job and became a sensation that the show never anticipated?  Many times.  So don't let this define how you feel about yourself.  Also, remember that if you are competing with a lot of other people all of them were let down too.  It takes a lot of rejection to finally find an employer that will appreciate you these days and you can't take it as a reflection of your worth as an employee or a person.

Sorry to go on so long but this is a subject close to my own experience that presses all my buttons, and I hate to see you so down and out.  I only hope that maybe I helped in some way!  (((Hugs))).🤗

[shapeshifter]

6 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Yesterday was a terrible day and I’m still not really over it. I got four job rejections (these were ones where I didn’t even get an interview) and I asked for feedback from one job where I did get an interview. The recruiter said “oh it wasn’t because of a shortcoming on your part and it was a really hard decision!” and then she gave me some general advice for future interviews. So…helpful but also not. Honestly, I feel so worthless right now. Everyone keeps telling me “oh I’m sure you’ll get a job soon; you have such a great attitude!” or “I hope you find something soon!” Well, after 14 months since my layoff and hearing “you were great but we went in a different direction” I do feel worthless. The platitudes are no longer helping. If I am so great and people love me why am I still working in a call center? This does not happen to genuinely good job candidates. They get hired quickly and have their pick of offers.

I know I shouldn’t tie my worth to my career but I do. Especially because my family members and friends are nurses, engineers, have master’s degrees, get promotions. I am not proud to say I’m a customer service rep. And society does not respect customer service reps; look at the way people talk to call center employees when they’re frustrated and they get away with it too. I just want to have a job title that I can be happy to talk about with my family and earn a salary that I’m proud of and can live comfortably on and not be paycheck to paycheck.

Being rejected over and over does make me feel worthless, unwanted, like garbage. Working in a job that people don’t respect and the public can treat you badly makes me feel worse. One job even said they got an “unprecedented” number of applications and couldn’t consider me. This organization has 20 employees; we’re not exactly talking about FAANG here, and it’s not even tech. It was a nonprofit. What was unprecedented? They got 30 instead of five? 

I have tried to be positive so many times in the last year, but the positivity train has run out. I am just done and no amount of “I’m sure you’ll get a job soon!” will help at this point. I even question whether a career change is worth the time because every employer wants experience. I’m just ready to quit and accept my fate and work in call centers forever. I feel as if I don’t deserve anything better and I’m not worth anything to anyone. 

 

@Cloud9Shopper, did you mean to post this [here] in the Health and Wellness thread?

Under the Health & Wellness Topic (forums.primetimer.com/forum/1322-health-wellness)
there's also the Stress, Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health-related things thread and others.

So confusing! 🫨

My middle daughter has been going through the same thing for 4 years now. She manages to pay rent with short-term, mostly off-the-books projects and occasional Zelle gifts from me (although I make it clear she is welcome to come live with me rent free and have her own room and even bathroom, but I cannot afford a to pay for a second home). 
She's 40. 
I ache for her.
She's so intelligent and beautiful and smart. 
Typing this out loud here, I wonder if her problem is that she intimidates would-be employers just by being herself, even though she's not overly talkative, but what she says might just make them feel, IDK, stupid?
And if that's the problem, I don't have a solution.
I was able to "play a role" in my interviews so at least I was offered jobs about 20% of the time.
 

Edited February 17 by shapeshifter

[Cloud9Shopper]

12 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

@Cloud9Shopper, did you mean to post this in the Health and Wellness thread?

 

My middle daughter has been going through the same thing for 4 years now. She manages to pay rent with short-term, mostly off-the-books projects and occasional Zelle gifts from me (although I make it clear she is welcome to come live with me rent free and have her own room and even bathroom, but I cannot afford a to pay for a second home). 
She's 40. 
I ache for her.
She's so intelligent and beautiful and smart. 
Typing this out loud here, I wonder if her problem is that she intimidates would-be employers just by being herself, even though she's not overly talkative, but what she says might just make them feel, IDK, stupid?
And if that's the problem, I don't have a solution.
I was able to "play a role" in my interviews so at least I was offered jobs about 20% of the time.
 

Ugh I thought I was in the health and wellness thread. I must have gotten mixed up. Is there a mod who can move this? 

[shapeshifter]

1 minute ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Ugh I thought I was in the health and wellness thread. I must have gotten mixed up. Is there a mod who can move this? 

Sorry!
This *is* the "Health and Wellness Chit-Chat: Your Primary Care Topic" and I thought you were aiming for the "Stress, Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health-related things" thread. 

Or maybe a Work-related thread?

So sorry. I'm not helping, am I?

[Yeah No]

I thought this was posted in the "vent your work spleen" thread.  Oh well.

Another thought - Just because they didn't hire you doesn't mean they didn't like you or appreciate you.  They may have just found someone else a little more to their liking for any number of reasons. Those reasons are most likely not be any reflection on you or your worth as a person or employee, such as that person living closer to their office or having more experience in one tiny little facet of the job that put them over the edge.  Or just based on personality/culture fit/match.  Those are no reflection on you and all it means is you have to keep trying.

I hope you can feel better about this soon.

25 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

During the 7 years I slept in a sleeping bag, I did things like put them in a folded dollar bill and used spit.

Ouch, that doesn't sound very sanitary!

I can remember having to put lenses in a used paper or coffee cup with sink water and salt.  But dollar bills are usually very dirty!

Edited February 17 by Yeah No

[Cloud9Shopper]

Had a self-sabotage type of day today:

-Went on Reddit to a fandom space. Made a comment that got downvoted and people were bullying me but claiming they weren’t. Then I felt bad that I slipped and did it in the first place.

-Told my mom I had a job interview scheduled for Monday. She wasn’t even supportive and said “now where” as if it was the worst news I told her all day. She acted completely flat and uninterested. Now I feel frustrated that she just refuses to support me. It’s almost as if she wants to see me languish in customer service. I don’t care if anyone I work with is happy taking calls and wants to stay in that role forever. It works for them and it’s not as if I’m making them job search and telling them to leave. But I’ll save more for the work thread. 

I wish I knew why I did this but I don’t. I will say when I told my mom about my interview, it was right after work and I was feeling annoyed that I got a call just as I was about to log off and it ended up taking 20 minutes, whereas others were signing out and finishing up and I felt frustrated. So maybe aggravation, and sometimes boredom? (Going online in the morning when I wake up and am eating breakfast and need a distraction.) Like I know I shouldn’t tell my mom things when she doesn’t support or agree with me but…I guess I keep thinking maybe it will change? I do know I don’t think things through well when I’m stressed or early in the morning. 

I wish it weren’t all such a struggle. 

Edited April 19 by Cloud9Shopper

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Had a self-sabotage type of day today:

-Went on Reddit to a fandom space. Made a comment that got downvoted and people were bullying me but claiming they weren’t. Then I felt bad that I slipped and did it in the first place.

-Told my mom I had a job interview scheduled for Monday. She wasn’t even supportive and said “now where” as if it was the worst news I told her all day. She acted completely flat and uninterested. Now I feel frustrated that she just refuses to support me. It’s almost as if she wants to see me languish in customer service. I don’t care if anyone I work with is happy taking calls and wants to stay in that role forever. It works for them and it’s not as if I’m making them job search and telling them to leave. But I’ll save more for the work thread. 

I wish I knew why I did this but I don’t. I will say when I told my mom about my interview, it was right after work and I was feeling annoyed that I got a call just as I was about to log off and it ended up taking 20 minutes, whereas others were signing out and finishing up and I felt frustrated. So maybe aggravation, and sometimes boredom? (Going online in the morning when I wake up and am eating breakfast and need a distraction.) Like I know I shouldn’t tell my mom things when she doesn’t support or agree with me but…I guess I keep thinking maybe it will change? I do know I don’t think things through well when I’m stressed or early in the morning. 

I wish it weren’t all such a struggle. 

As a Mom myself with a chronically underemployed daughter (and 2 other workaholic daughters) I'm wondering if when your Mom says “now where” it's because she's triggered by the reminder that she wants more for you because she sees your potential. 
Even if that's the case, it doesn't excuse her unsupportive tone of voice or choice of words. Or, at least, it doesn't make their impact on you any less painful.
But knowing as you do that she doesn't have anything better to offer, maybe just tell her that you aren't going to share any more news with her about jobs that you are hoping to get, but that she should feel free to ask if she's wondering what's new in that area of your life??

Fortunately my underemployed daughter still feels free to share job announcements and résumés with me.
But then, she's aware of how I struggled with employment after my divorce, and then had a mean boss for almost 20 years while trying to find another job but being too old in my field. Plus we work in similar areas. So she knows I can relate.

ETA: Did you go on the negative area of Reddit after you and your Mom had that unproductive talk?
If so, maybe you were just longing for a familiar place to chat?
Or do you think you were just entering a negative space in an effort to prove that people are unsupportive? (which I think you know is not healthy)

When I was depressed in my early college days because of my boyfriend and I breaking up right when he came back from Vietnam, my dorm-mate/friend advised me not to listen to blues music because it would just bring me down. 
I don't know if she was right or if she just preferred rock 'n' roll, but it does seem that's what those areas of Reddit are doing to you.
But I still kept playing the Blues.

Edited April 20 by shapeshifter

[Cloud9Shopper]

Nah, I went on Reddit in the morning not long after waking up, and my interview wasn’t confirmed until late in the afternoon. I think it’s just the mindless scrolling in the morning and to have something to do until I’m fully awake. 

My mom can’t relate to my job search, which maybe causes some of the disconnect. She’s a nurse, so she doesn’t have the option for remote work and she only has to have one or two interviews at most before being hired. It’s a totally different world from the jobs I look for, where some companies do three rounds (or maybe more! I have had four rounds of interviews for a job in the past) of interviews, with terms like “culture fit interviews” and “values interviews” being common in job postings. She’s never had to deal with being up against hundreds of applicants for a role (I once came in second for a job that had 300 applicants; they picked an internal person in the end) or trying to apply as fast as possible so her resume gets seen in the crowd, and she remembers back when you went on one interview, maybe two at most, and got a decision quickly. 

Anyway I’m getting into stuff that should be in the work thread. I just wish my mom would prop me up and be proud of me for landing interviews instead of acting like wanting a better job and to not be a customer servant is shameful. 

[shapeshifter]

On 4/20/2024 at 8:24 AM, Cloud9Shopper said:

(I once came in second for a job that had 300 applicants; they picked an internal person in the end)

Been there; done that. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And then there's getting to the final interview and finding out they lost funding for the position.

 

On 4/20/2024 at 8:24 AM, Cloud9Shopper said:

I just wish my mom would prop me up and be proud of me for landing interviews instead of acting like wanting a better job and to not be a customer servant is shameful. 

I'm 70. Maybe imagine me as your elderly aunt to giving you an "atta-girl!" or maybe "Whoo-hoo!" would be the current way to express it. 

 

I was going to post something else, but instead copied and pasted it into a text file for the next time I talk to my therapist. 
Or I might go find the family problems thread.

 

[EtheltoTillie]

Cloud9, this has been a familiar pattern with your mother.  I can only offer just try to say nothing to her.  I know it's hard.  One wants to have someone to tell good news.  Or just news.

 

Edited April 22 by EtheltoTillie

[PRgal]

I think I'm really stressed leading up to my surgery.  I've gained 3 lb in the past three weeks for no apparent reason!  I don't think I've been snacking more at all.  Now, the three pounds still means I'm technically on the low side for my height, but this quick weight gain is surprising because it's not normal for me.  Exercising normally and eating normally.  Must be my sleep.

[chitowngirl]

I’m getting anxious and over stressed about driving my son to the airport for his honeymoon. I thought it was going to be drive to their house (about an hour away), pick them up and take them to JFK. They live west of Philly. Well now I find out my DIL is taking the train with the luggage to the airport because my son has to work. He doesn’t know how long, it depends on the deliveries he has to do. We have to leave not much later than noon to get to JFK by 4pm for their International flight at 7pm. On a Friday. And he wants to take a quick shower. He also thought we could swing by his place for this, which takes us off the Tollway and adds time. If he gets done in good order, he can shower at my place since we live down the road from his work. If I can’t put the pedal to the metal, he misses his flight. So I’m anxious and stressed and will be for a week and a half.

And I know that I have no control over when he gets done with work, traffic, etc….but the brain won’t/can’t shut off and stop overthinking 🥲

Edited June 12 by chitowngirl

[shapeshifter]

6 hours ago, chitowngirl said:

I’m getting anxious and over stressed about driving my son to the airport for his honeymoon. I thought it was going to be drive to their house (about an hour away), pick them up and take them to JFK. They live west of Philly. Well now I find out my DIL is taking the train with the luggage to the airport because my son has to work. He doesn’t know how long, it depends on the deliveries he has to do. We have to leave not much later than noon to get to JFK by 4pm for their International flight at 7pm. On a Friday. And he wants to take a quick shower. He also thought we could swing by his place for this, which takes us off the Tollway and adds time. If he gets done in good order, he can shower at my place since we live down the road from his work. If I can’t put the pedal to the metal, he misses his flight. So I’m anxious and stressed and will be for a week and a half.

And I know that I have no control over when he gets done with work, traffic, etc….but the brain won’t/can’t shut off and stop overthinking 🥲

Is this realistically doable? 
Or not?

When it comes to getting to an airport to catch a flight, I always allow extra time for unforeseen traffic, etc.
If your son has not factored that in, does he have a plan for what to do if he misses the flight? 

On the other hand, even my cushion of time wouldn’t cover several unforeseen events, like a car breakdown, and no Uber or Lyft available, and a traffic jam.

So, I guess everyone should have a contingency plan — which I guess is why they sell flight insurance — but I don’t know what that covers these days. I did get it once, but don’t recall the situation.

Maybe you could look into flight insurance for them? I think you’re supposed to buy it at the time you buy the ticket, but if you’re good at generating sympathy over the phone with Customer Service, you can probably get them to add it now, which could give you peace of mind.

🧸

[Quof]

No insurance bought from the airline would help in this situation.  A travel insurance policy - which I hope the travelers already have in place before a trip abroad -might respond to an unforeseen circumstance that causes the traveler to miss a flight.  But that "flat tire" clause typically requires that the traveler would have arrived at the airport "X hours" before the flight but for an intervening event such as a flat tire.  "Poor planning on the traveler's part/couldn't be arsed to leave in time" is not a covered event.  

Edited June 13 by Quof

[EtheltoTillie]

I am now becoming nervous about this myself, @chitowngirl, just reading this.  You are right to be anxious, and I am sorry you are being pulled into doing something that makes you anxious because of someone else’s behavior or problem. The idea that he does not actually know when he can leave makes this an impossible situation. 
 

As a lifelong resident of this area, who has driven all the routes you are mentioning, and who knows all the alternatives, at the times you are mentioning, I don’t think it is a realistic plan. You could make it if you get lucky, but if not . . .  I would allow five hours for that trip, not four, because it’s an airport trip. Airport trips are different. is there any possible way your son could still rearrange his work to leave earlier or have the morning off?  

[Quof]

6 minutes ago, EtheltoTillie said:

Airport trips are different

People often fail to make the distinction between "pulling off the highway onto the airport property" and "getting in line at your airline's check in counter."   There are a lot of steps, and a lot of real estate to cover, between the two and your airline's recommended arrival time means the time you need to be in line. 

[EtheltoTillie]

That’s a good point, @Quof  When I say airport trips are different I just mean that the consequences of failing to arrive on time are so grievous. If you were just trying to get to a land event at that location the consequences of being late would be different.  It’s a whole different psychology. 

[Quof]

I recall a sob story about a traveler who had the Bingo card of poor planning, yet wanted to shame the airline for denying the party boarding.   The family was moving cross country and had toddlers/babies with car seats and strollers to be checked (and they hadn't packaged them before arriving), oversized luggage that required special handling, and multiple dogs that had to be checked at a separate desk.  They walked in the door of a major airport at the last possible minute and couldn't possibly complete check in by the time the airline's computers automatically and irrevocably close check in.   "They're so mean to people traveling with babies!!!" she cried to any media outlet that would listen.  

[EtheltoTillie]

Also why didn’t they arrange to fly from Newark?  Just asking.  I don’t know where they’re going but I’m just wondering.  

[EtheltoTillie]

On 10/7/2023 at 11:31 AM, Milburn Stone said:

@shapeshifter, can you talk about why you hate it? We live in a house, but are of an age that the desirably/necessity of someday living in a doorman-building condo flits through my head.

I am just noticing this now, but I'll fill you in on our experiences as lifelong apartment dwellers.  We live in a co-op, which has its drawbacks regarding getting along with everyone and having to follow rules, but ultimately it's okay.  The important thing is that we live in a doorman building.  We have done so since the 80s.  We could not manage to be out of the house for work each day without the assistance of the staff, who collect packages, fix things, take out garbage, etc.  Also it's a matter of security--from crime.  I lived in a nondoorman building where people would push in behind tenants entering and do (really) bad things.  We had to move from there in the 80s, even though it was cheap.  We were lucky we could afford it.

As you get older, you will also appreciate having people who will be there to check if you are all right. 

We also have a weekend house we acquired along the way.  We have to pay people to do the maintenance work involved.  We don't have the time or knowledge or inclination to do it, so fortunately, we can afford that.  At some point in the future we'll have to sell the house and just keep the apartment.  NYC apartment dwelling is very good for seniors. 

Edited June 13 by EtheltoTillie

[chitowngirl]

1 hour ago, EtheltoTillie said:

Also why didn’t they arrange to fly from Newark?  Just asking.  I don’t know where they’re going but I’m just wondering.  

I’m guessing flying out of JFK was less expensive than Newark or Philly and/or had the dates and locations they wanted.

 

I messaged them this: 

do online check-in as soon as it’s available. DIL checks in and pays for the 2 suitcases online so she can just drop them off when she gets there (bags should both be in her name). Son pleads with boss to get him out as soon as she can. I would think we would need to be on the road no later than noon to get son to JFK by 4:00. Son should just have his carry-on. He’ll leave his car with us and dad and I will get it back to his house.

Did I miss anything? Does this all sound good? Travel time now from here to JFK is 3 hours 15 minutes.

 

[EtheltoTillie]

28 minutes ago, chitowngirl said:

Did I miss anything? Does this all sound good? Travel time now from here to JFK is 3 hours 15 minutes.

 

I'd still suggest leaving by 11:30 if you possibly can.  🤞  I've been stuck in all kinds of traffic, but we leave so early we still get there with time to spare.   Are you taking the Verrazzano Bridge and the Belt Parkway?  If so then at least you can't have a jackknifed tractor trailer on the parkway--no trucks.  We saw one on the LIE last Monday.  All four lanes closed.  Horrible backup.  We were fortunately going in the opposite direction.  Good luck.  Keep us posted. 

Edited June 13 by EtheltoTillie

[EtheltoTillie]

@Milburn Stone I'm just adding something to the condo conversation.  I see that @shapeshifter had posted something about no elevators in her building.  So she doesn't like her condo, but that's not really because it's a condo, but rather her particular condo.

Condo is a form of ownership of a multiple dwelling unit, not a type of architecture.  You can have high rises, low rises, etc.  Different amenities and staff. 

[shapeshifter]

24 minutes ago, EtheltoTillie said:

I'd still suggest leaving by 11:30 if you possibly can.  🤞  I've been stuck in all kinds of traffic, but we leave so early we still get there with time to spare.   Are you taking the Verrazzano Bridge and the Belt Parkway?  If so then at least you can't have a jackknifed tractor trailer on the parkway--no trucks.  We saw one on the LIE last Monday.  All four lanes closed.  Horrible backup.  We were fortunately going in the opposite direction.  Good luck.  Keep us posted. 

I once had a similar experience on the west coast that resulted in a 2 hour delay. 
Likewise, this is why my Canadian sister and DH always wind up leaving the night before and getting a hotel by the airport rather than drive the 2-3 hours to Toronto the day of their to catch a flight — even though half the time they plan to drive the same day to save time and money.
This:

17 hours ago, chitowngirl said:

now I find out my DIL is taking the train with the luggage to the airport because my son has to work.

 sounds like @chitowngirl’s DIL is trying to mitigate the situation too.

One December at O’Hare in Chicago we (and many others) really didn’t get there in time, but that was also the year United had to reschedule all their flights, so all of my partially-performative emotional meltdown was not necessary.

At least it won’t be snowing in NY now.

[EtheltoTillie]

2 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Likewise, this is why my Canadian sister and DH always wind up leaving the night before and getting a hotel by the airport rather than drive the 2-3 hours to Toronto the day of their to catch a flight — even though half the time they plan to drive the same day to save time and money.
This:

 

Yes to this if possible. When we took a cruise to Alaska from Seattle we flew in the night before and stayed in an airport motel.  The cruise line supposedly had some way of assuring that the people who flew in the same morning would be accommodated, but this seemed crazy to us.