Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[peacheslatour]

Loved drunk off her ass Nikki rambling to Dullan today!  He looked like he was trying to divide 8,379 by 640. 

[movinon]

Peach - missing those great re-caps.  Are you OK or is everybody sick again?  Not complaining.........well, yes, I am. 

[jodo]

Loved drunk off her ass Nikki rambling to Dullan today!  He looked like he was trying to divide 8,379 by 640. 

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  "carry the one, bring down the 3"  

 

And yes where are the Peaches recaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Petunia13]

I like them but also LeftP's. In my secret heart of hearts many will do some. I'm a big fan of Rashomon.

[peach]

Peach - missing those great re-caps.  Are you OK or is everybody sick again?  Not complaining.........well, yes, I am. 

Sick.  Not dying or anything.  Yet.

[movinon]

Sick.  Not dying or anything.  Yet.

I'm so sorry - please get better soon! We miss you, but take it slow and give yourself time to recover.  We will have a whole novel when you get back - can't wait.

[peach]

Friday, Sept 19   Bigger Than Scarlet Mist

 

Nick mentions how Sharon once thought her traffic ticket had something to do with the horrible secret.  She wants to forget about tickets and secrets and just move forward with the wedding!  They make out and Sharon flashes back to being outside the diagnostic lab, and..to.. CREAMY NUDE!  Hey, Mariah’s home.  Oh, she might have moved back in but she is NOT at HOME.  Whatever, Mariah, you’re wearing a GCRB dress, you’re one of them now.

 

Abby looks dressed for a wedding today, but it’s just a budget meeting with Jack.  Obviously, she’s over budget, but Ashley wants shiny new beakers for Stitch, plus a state of the art security system.  Abby thinks this is ridic when an ex-con is the lead chemist for their “super secret project” they are discussing in a bar.  But she promises to be a professional around the Killer Chemist.  Jack reminds her this project is super revolutionary and is EVEN BIGGER THAN SCARLET MIST.  Is that even possible?  Jack mutters that he doubts he’ll ever be THAT inspired again…and Kelly overhears.  Su-per Awk-ward.  Great.  Now they’re going to have to name the new super perfume Krazy Kelly.

 

Prisoner Phyllis stares into space.  Her alien possession has worn her out.  Victor calls Dr. Cutler, who SAID he will CALL HIM when there’s news, okay, Vic?  It’s not okay.  “Some things have transpired around here that need to be stopped.  The only one who can do that is Phyllis Newman.”  So pump her with some more Jerky Juice or alien larvae or whatever so she can stop a wedding.  Dr. Cutler admits he has some news.

 

Austin sits around with an iPad at the Barbie Townhouse in a pair of jeans and no shirt.  Do you really still wear a belt when you have no shirt?  Summer pounces on him in bright red lingerie.  She wants to know what her competition is on that iPad.  It’s..the classifieds.  She assumes a guy with no shirt on an iPad is looking for a job.  Austin says he’s looking for a second job because he’s being supported by Summer’s two wealthy families and he just can’t live like this!  So he’s gonna start hustling.  Oh noes!  Summer had no idea he was so unhappy!  She LOVES being supported by two wealthy families.

 

Phyllis has reached a plateau.  Sure she’s attempted communication with Satan, but Dr. Cutler can’t be sure of her cognitive state.  In other words, she caws like a crow, so don’t get too excited.  Victor wants to up the dosage again.  Blah blah irreversible side effects.  Victor says “she would want you to up the damn dosage so she can get out of the damn coma.”  I’m sure she won’t mind being terrifying to all who behold her.  Blah blah she needs her family to complete the perking up process.  Victor forbids it.  Etc.

 

Kelly is so sorry to interrupt Jack’s uninspired meeting.  It’s fine.  Her hair looks nice.  She goes off to work.  Abby thinks it must be hard for Kelly to fill Phyllis’ giant scarlet shoes.  Jack protests, since he dumped Phyllis’ shoes on the curb.  Whatever, Abby says it would be totally weird to be part of some comatose love triangle, instead of the usual incest kind.

 

Sharon is happy to have Mariah back, even though she’s a sulky brat who complains about how easy it is to get in with the key under the rock.   Sharon is concerned about her coming in so LATE since she’s her MOTHER, you know.  “Are you freaking kidding me?” asks Mariah.  She’ll be happy to get her own key, though, just don’t expect her to be part of their icky family, now that they’re getting married.  “Congratulations,” she says, although it somehow sounds like “eat shit.”  Sharon’s surprised that Mariah’s still working at The Underground, but she doesn’t have a trust fund like the kids she kept, so she can’t pay her back yet.  Sharon says she doesn’t have to pay her back!  Nick realizes this is the only way to coerce her into living there, so he says to keep things the way they are.  He leaves.

 

Sharon continues to tell Mariah how worried she’s been.  Mariah thinks that’s stupid because she’s taken care of herself her whole life up until that locked in a storage unit incident.   Sharon hopes they can build a new relationship.    WHAT?  After all the horrible things Sharon said to her, when Mariah was being so sweet and gracious and stealing her man?  But Sharon didn’t know she was her daughter! 

 

Mariah says I didn’t know is her excuse for everything!  Ranch burning, secret forgetting, baby losing!  A mother should KNOW!! She doesn’t deserve Mariah!  And she didn’t deserve Cassie, and we all know she doesn’t deserve Hero Nick!  She wishes she HAD gotten her secret out of her so she could show Nick the person Sharon really is.  She’s a cold, crazy, whack job!  Sharon finally snaps out of it and tells Mariah,  “I am your mother, and don’t you DARE speak to me like that!” 

 

Mariah pouts like a teenager, and they argue a bunch more, so Mariah can blame Sharon for everything.  Sharon says she’s letting Ian win, and that she can’t actually make Sharon feel any worse about happened than she already does.  “I can try,” says Mariah, and runs off to her free bedroom. 

 

Abby apologizes to Jack, poorly, and then Victor joins them.  Jack is like, see ya.  But Victor asks him how on earth he can go back and forth to see Phyllis and maintain his relationship with Miss Andrews at the same time?  Um, on a jet? 

 

Austin has a shirt on now, and Summer is now dressed vaguely like a Playboy bunny in shorts.  Austin says he’s not unhappy with HER, he’s just super bummed about not being able to follow his dreams and get a production job that he loves because crime.  Summer thinks she has it worse because she is clueless and without direction.  Austin is like why don’t you just work for Jabot?  Duh. Ugh, not another job just HANDED to her.  That’s the WORST.  Oh, wait.  She can ask NICK to hand her job at The Underground instead because using nepotism to work in a BAR is so much better!  Austin reminds her she’s underage.  Gosh, silly, she can just work in the office!  He says, but you just said you didn’t want a job handed to you?  Summer is getting the feeling that Austin doesn’t want to be with her 24 hours a day, wah!  Nick arrives.  He has news.

 

Mariah walks in on Sharon napping and talking in her sleep.  “Nick, I can’t hide it anymore!  I have to tell you my secret!”

 

Jack is gone, and Abby bemoans her broken heart to Victor.  He asks if there is any chance of reconciliation.  Is Tyler even on this show anymore?  Abby says there’s more chance of her shaving her head and joining a commune.  Now, that would be a great storyline.   Victor consoles her by saying he’s been through a few breakups and he never joined a commune so she’ll get over it.  He asks if it’ll be uncomfortable for her to work with Stitch.  They both laugh over how she’s not going to be a pawn in his power games.

 

Jack apologizes to Kelly for not being inspired by her.  Kelly says it’s all good.  Jack can’t tell her about his super secret project because even the bowl of peanuts has ears, even though he has all his business conversations around said peanuts.   Kelly can’t believe he’s seriously not going to tell HER the super secret Jabot stuff. He promises to name a perfume after her instead, then realizes it’s a faux pas to offer her such sloppy seconds.  But she feels loved anyway.

 

Nick wants Austin to hear The News also.  Summer is shocked and happy to hear Nick and Sharon are engaged.  Summer really admires how brave and courageous Sharon is for knocking out Phyllis. 

 

Sharon’s still moaning and thrashing.  She’s so sorry, Nick.  She should have told you who the father really is.   Mariah’s like, holy shit!  Sharon awakes with a start.  She says she was dreaming but can’t remember it.   Mariah tells her she was talking in her sleep but pretends not to know what she said.  She says Sharon better get some rest because she has a big wedding to prepare for…and she needs to be ready for everything that’s coming her way.  Sharon seems to realize this is a creepy thing to say.

 

Nick fills in Summer about how Mariah arrived back home at 3 a.m.  Poor little Summer says Nick must be really happy finding out he has a new daughter.  Aww, it doesn’t change how he feels about Super Girl.  She’s number one.  It gets mushy, then he leaves.  Then Summer pouts because everyone is moving on with their lives while her mom lays in a hospital bed.  She wishes a miracle would bring her back, like in The Monkey Paw.

 

Abby asks if Victor believes in miracles.  Isn’t God so funny giving Abby Victor for a father, and Jack for an uncle.  So, why did Ashley hire Stitch to be a chemist for the fragrance, hmmm?  Abby acts all cagey about the miracle product.

 

Jack insists he’s not trying to prove anything by naming perfume after Kelly.  Blah blah blah.  He can’t imagine the future without her.

 

Phyllis has an intermediate level spaz and sort of sits up.

 

Victor gives The Naked Heiress high marks for being such a professional.  She says if he doesn’t take her seriously, he’ll regret it.  He knows that, because THE Abby Newman is The Great VICTOR Newman’s daughter.

 

Abby tells Kelly she didn’t like her in the beginning. Kelly says the “hoochie mama” comments clued her in.  Her gross one night stand with Billy was a mistake, but Abby thinks she’s good for Uncle Jack, so the hoochie mama is allowed to live.  She gives her props for hanging in there with all the Phyllis stuff, whom she never liked anyway.  Jack just loved Phyllis for who she was with him and ignored her horrible qualities.  “Such as?” asks Kelly, who has waited a long time for some Abby style truth about ole Red.  “Oh,” says Abby,  “she was tough, manipulative, JEALOUS.  I pity the woman who would go up against her for the same man.  She was cutthroat.  Did you know she once tried to kill a woman over a man?”  Kelly is like…O_o  Ummm, no, she did not.  Kinda makes you wonder about the title Scarlet Mist, like when your blood goes spraying everywhere during a murder spree.

 

Cutthroat Phyllis manages to get her hands on a photo of Jack so she can stare at it .

 

Jack stops by Summer’s to tell her about Nick and Sharon getting engaged.  She knows, but she decided to be happy for them.  Even though she’ll never forget when Nick and Phyllis broke up, even though they were a perfect family and she was their perfect Super Girl and all they did was laugh and throw daisies in the air.  “And then you found out I was your father,” says Jack.  Omg, IKR?  And she felt so cheated.  But now she feels super lucky because everyone loves Summer and gives her stuff.  Jack remembers delivering her in the elevator and the connection he felt toward her.  She’s a product of his love with Phyllis.  Blah blah Sharon Cassie Phyllis Nick Sharon.  Summer just wants everyone to be happy.

 

Nick gets home.  Sharon says Mariah’s still very angry with her, and also she had a bad dream that left her chilled.  Nick thinks she just feels anxiety about their dreamy future finally coming about.  She feels like it’s going to slip through her fingers.  Nick says that’s going to happen.  They are going to be married and have the family they always should have had, and..wait for it…NO ONE is going to stop that from happening.   They kiss.

 

Jack leaves.  Austin says that’s two dads in one day to lavish affection on her, but she still pouts about them moving on with their lives instead of pining for Phyllis.  She decides to go visit her.

 

Mariah comes stomping into Victor’s office.  She has what Victor’s wanted for all these months, what he’s been so desperate to find out.  “What’s that?” asks Victor.  Seriously?  SHARON’S SECRET.  MARIAH KNOWS IT. 

 

Dr. Cutler comes in to give Phyllis another dose of spaz serum… but SHE’S GONE!!!  After being in bed for a year, Phyllis has managed to remove her catheter, steal some nurse clothes and eyeshadow, and is outside, shuffling off to Genoa City on her own, one zombie step at a time.  Only 700 miles to go!

Edited September 26, 2014 by peach

[peach]

Mon, Sept 22    Dr. Pen

 

Summer’s still complaining about everyone moving on with their lives, and decides she’s going to go visit Phyllis right now, tonight.   I guess she can use the Newman jet whenever she wants.  Austin shocks her by deciding to go to work instead because Summer doesn’t know you don’t blow off your shift at the last minute to hang out at the coma clinic.  Austin says maybe after six months or so he can start not showing up without feeling bad about it.

 

Dr. Cutler asks Nurse Newbie how the hell Phyllis managed to “slip by” them when she’s shuffling about like a zombie.  He wants her found.  NOW. 

 

Igor/Phyllis limps out to the road.  She struggles to hold in the alien spawn so she can hitch hike.

 

Avery and Michael giggle over boring lawyer stuff at the club.  Lauren happens by and “teases” them about having an affair.  Ha..ha.  Michael overcompensates while kissing her and promising a super romantic evening with her that is probably going to be another huge bummer.

 

Blonde Morticia is lurking in Paul’s office, scaring the crap out of him when he walks in.  The blood on the quarry jacket matches Ian Ward.   So does he still think Dylan had anything to do with it?  Saved by the knock!  It’s Nikki, of course.  Paul says she’s not a bother at all, of course.  Would Christine mind if she had a word ALONE with Paul for a minute, of course.  Chris contemplates strangling her, of course.

 

Sharon and Nick drop in on Dylan who congratulates them on their engagement.  Nick couldn’t have done it without Super Dylan.  Knuckles, bro.

 

Victor thinks Mariah is bluffing about Sharon’s secret.  Please.  Would she REALLY waste his time?  But she’s not spilling it without getting something in return, enough to leave this burg and start a new life.  He obviously thinks Mariah is awesome, but isn’t going to start handing out money yet.  She promises him that Sharon’s secret is so much worse than she ever imagined.  And once Nick finds out, he is going to run far, far away from her.

 

Avery scoops up all the files so Michael can be alone with Lauren.  He has “big” plans for her.  She worries about too much pressure, but he’s feeling “well rested.”  I guess he’s not telling her about his little secret blue weapon.  She has to stop by work, but will meet him at home!  He checks his prescription bottle in his pocket.  It really is little blue pills.  I’m surprised Dr. Barton Shelby doesn’t pop up to warn us about the side effects.

 

Christine says if this is about the Ian Ward investigation, then anything Nikki has to say to Paul, she can say in front of her.  Well, it isn’t about the investigation, per se.  Then what is it about, per se, asks Chris.  It’s about her wanting to have a few words alone with Paul “about our son.”  She totally pulled the our son card, so Chris snaps that she can have the whole day for that shit, and storms out.

 

Paul tells Nikki not to feel bad because she made a perfectly reasonable request even if Chris doesn’t see it that way.  She knows how that Chris is so sensitive about them sharing a child and Nikki using it ruin her life every five minutes.  Anyway, Nikki hasn’t heard from Dylan since Paul hustled him out of the Distinguished Citizen party.  Paul just wanted him to help “interpret” the evidence (against him).  He won’t tell Nikki what it is. She whines about difficult her life is and that she can’t take one more OUNCE of stress!  Paul glances down guiltily at the evidence bags in his desk drawer.

 

Mariah asks isn’t that what Victor wants, to break up Nick and Sharon?  That’s what YOU want, says Victor.  He just wants to “protect” his son.  Then pay her already and let’s get on with it.  Victor’s playing hardball, though.  He says she’ll have more money than she knows what to do with, AFTER she tells him the secret.  He’s not budging, so Mariah says that Sharon’s been lying to everyone about his granddaughter, and who her real father is.

 

Paul lies to Nikki and says Dylan’s not in any trouble.  He answered Paul’s questions, so he sent him on his way.  He hugs her and she leaves.  Paul calls in lowly cop, Dawkins, and tells him to find out what number the guy used who called the insurance company and claimed he was Dylan.  Oh, and give him that info directly, because he is handling this case personally, which isn’t a conflict of interest or anything.  Not if you’re a Distinguished Citizen.  Then he looks at the evidence bags again.

 

Aw, shucks, Dylan can’t take any credit for the magical Crimson Lights proposal venue.  Joking bro feelz.  Avery strolls in, and they give her the big news about getting married.  Avery’s like…oh..that’s..well, congratulations. 

 

Summer thinks Austin could totally skip work NOW and go with her, because she has pull with the boss.  Austin doesn’t feel right about acting like a spoiled brat.  Summer decides she IS a big girl and can go alone.  She calls the clinic to say she’s coming, but Dr. Cutler takes the call.  He looks at a pen, and lies and says he’s Dr…Pen.  And her mom is still just a big ole vegetable, so there’s really no point in her coming to see her.   Um, Dr. Pen, is there some reason you don’t want Summer to come?  Um, not the empty bed he’s looking at, that’s for sure!  Or the fact that the short-sighted Dr. Pen doesn’t exist, either.

 

Victor tells Mariah to sit down.  He wants to know how Mariah found out.  Well, Sharon talks in her sleep, but he already knew that, didn’t he?  Burn!  She says Sharon was napping and whining about Nick not hating her.  “I guess she has a conscience when she’s asleep.”  Mariah relays Sharon’s sleep talk about Nick not being the father…but she thinks it means FAITH is not Nick’s daughter!  Oh, Mariah. 

 

Avery is all awkward about the wedding plans, and Nick rubs some salt in it talking about how EXCITED FAITH IS.  Dylan excuses himself so Avery and Nick can remember how much Faith hated her and also that she’s sorry for jilting him at the altar.  Nick’s over it.  He says they’re both where they’re meant to be now.

 

Victor says there were a lot of candidates for Faith’s paternity.  Mariah finds this pretty juicy.  “My new mom really got around.”  Yeah, says Victor…pretty boy Abbott, Nicholas…those were, um, just a few.  Mariah’s like, and she called ME a tramp.  Yeah, yeah, but newsflash, Mariah, paternity tests are mandatory in this town, and the DNA test said Nicholas was the father.   Although, knowing Sharon, she could have manipulated the result.  Mariah’s like wait’ll Nick finds out.  Victor actually reveals a sliver of empathy and thinks about how horrible that would actually be after what Nick went through with Summer, and his own DNA test manipulation.  Whatever, it’s none of Mariah’s business now. 

 

“Check please,” she says, holding out her hand.  Victor laughs.  “You have to corroborate your allegations, my dear,” says the great and powerful Oz.  He doesn’t give a damn about Sharon’s sleep rambling.  She can’t believe he would leave her out in the cold when she gave him a promising lead!  She wants a reward.  He says she’s got a lot of guts and resilience.  He likes that enough to hand her some cash out of his pocket.  Nikki walks in!!!  OH EM GEE!

 

Summer asks Dr. Pen what he’s hiding from her?!  NOTHING!  Nothing at all!  He says he’s found that isolation actually works better for Phyllis’ condition.  Um, excuse me??  Nobody puts Summer in a corner.  She doesn’t care what he’s “found,” she’s coming down there tonight.  Click.  Summer complains to Austin that these doctors think they know everything.  Okay, well Austin’s gotta go sling some drinks now, and runs into Sharon on the way out.  Congrats!

 

Summer’s happy for Sharon and Nick, but she complains some more about how everyone is moving on with life, even though she knows it’s not like Nick and Phyllis would even be a thing if she woke up.  Sharon is super understanding about her mixed emotions.   “Your mom and I never saw eye-to-eye about anything,” but they would agree that Summer should live her life to the fullest.  Phyllis took life  head on and head first down some stairs, and never looked back.  She’d want the same for Summer.  So, how about being Sharon’s bridesmaid when she marries Nick?!  Sure, she’d love to!  She bets her mom would be happy that Sharon’s looking after her.  Ha!

 

Phyllis wills a car to stop with the power of her mind.  She hops in.   This guy is probably on his way to GC.  He’s probably Joe Clark.

 

Nikki’s going to take a wild guess that Mariah isn’t collecting for charity.  But hey, if she ever wants to turn her life around, Nikki would totally support that.  Mariah’s been privy to the Newman Support so thanks, but no thanks.  “I see.  So if THAT’S going to be your attitude, then I obviously just witnessed a payoff, and I would like an explanation.”  Victor asks Mariah to kindly leave the premises so he can manipulate Nikki for the both of them.  No problem.  Victor tells Nikki she just has to trust him.  She’s like TRUST YOU after you and Mariah drove Sharon to shock therapy?  What is he using that poor girl for now?

 

Dr. Cutler is frantic.  Nurse Newbie wants to alert the staff, but no way, says Doc.  They have to search every hallway, every closet.  Phyllis HAS to be there!

 

Summer finds Avery at the coffee house.  She wants Avery to go with her to visit Phyllis, like, you know, right now.  Avery can go if she gives her a couple days, but Summer says she’s her mother’s daughter and has to go when the mood strikes her, so bye!  I guess Dr. Pen is going to lock her up or something because nobody went with poor baby Summer.

 

Avery discusses her concerns with unstable Dylan about how unstable Sharon will probably hurt Nick.  Dylan thinks Sharon’s probably okay.  Yeah, but Nick deserves someone super special like he is.  Dylan’s like, um, do you have a problem with Nick getting married??

 

Christine runs into Lauren at the club, who thinks she needs an emergency cocktail.  Chris bitches about how Nikki runs to Paul about every little hangnail instead of leaning on her own husband.  Lauren says Paul shares a son with Nikki, but he shares his LIFE with Chris.  “You’re very lucky,” Lauren chokes out, despairing over her one week of sex problems.  Chris is like, um, is something wrong?  Lauren acts like an absolute nut about really hoping their plans are promising for tonight and they’re through the worst.

 

Officer Dawkins scrubs that damning quarry mud off his shoes while he tells Paul about Ian’s keys being found at the quarry, too.  Michael overhears and flashes back to DYLAN’S MUDDY BOOTS at Avery’s house.  Paul finally gets the bright idea that maybe they should drag the lake at the quarry for a body.  Doggoneit, Michael heard all that, didn’t he?!  They go in Paul’s office.  He trusts Michael to keep this to himself.  No worries, because THE WORST DEFENSE ATTORNEY AND LAW PARTNER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD informs him that the same mud was on Dylan’s boots!!  But it doesn’t matter, because Paul already saw it. “So, what are you gonna do about it?” asks Mikey the Rat.

 

Victor tells Nikki, “I am not the villain here.  The sooner you understand that, the better off we’ll all be.”  Nikki’s like WHO will be better off?  Certainly not Nicholas and Sharon, and he’s probably planning to sabotage their wedding.  He intends to do no such thing.  WHEN is he going to learn not to interfere his children’s lives?  “You will find out in the end.  It will out turn out, K?  *I* will do what I have to do.”  No, Nikki will never understand how his mind works.  Or his bank accounts, or hers either.   She has a [bar] charity meeting to go to.

 

Avery protests that she’s like jealous or anything.  Dylan’s like are you seriously going to say hearing Nick and Sharon are getting married didn’t make you feel weird?  And why did she resist the idea of marrying Dylan, huh?  But that was before he almost died in the hospital, so she feels differently now.  Yeah, but before they can take that step, he has to be the man she deserves. 

 

Law & Order Michael tells Paul that if Dylan is involved in Ian Ward’s disappearance, he’s going to have STEP UP.  Paul already knows that.  So he had the mud on

Dylan’s boots tested, which must have been illegally.  Anyway, it turns out it wasn’t the same mud, so someone’s not the mud expert he was cracked up to be.  So he’s off the hook, says Michael.  Thank God for that.  Well, we’re definitely not thanking MICHAEL.

 

Austin tries to make conversation with silent Mariah.  He finally convinces her that he didn’t tell those blonde rich bitches her secrets about creeper Ian Ward.  She apologizes for losing it on him.  He forgives her because he’s nice and she was having a terrible honeymoon.  They act silly and wrestle over a gross drink he made, and OMG, she spilled it all over his shirt!!  I bet he has to take it off again!  Summer walks in and witnesses this frivolity!  Oh no they din’t.

 

Victor has come to visit Nick and Sharon.  He brings a bottle of champagne to propose a toast to both of them.

 

Christine and Lauren show up at the station to find Michael. He sneaks around the corner to pop Daddy’s little helper.   He’s like LET’S GO NOW!!!!  Christine can’t find Paul, because he went to the club to find HER.  Isn’t that just the kind of day Chris is having?

 

Nikki’s at the club, though, where she has sparkling water for herself, and a drink for her “friend.”  She picks it up and puts it down.  Paul comes in and frowns.

 

Victor toasts:  “As you prepare for your future, may you be guided by your past.  And may the bond of your children…always be with you.”  Nick and Sharon are pleasantly surprised instead of rightly suspicious and switching glasses.  Nick says that was better than here’s to those who wish us well, and all the rest can go to hell.  Cheers!  Victor wants to see Faith so he can steal her hair or something.  Too bad, she’s on a play date. Sharon leaves.

 

Nick is like, so, what’s the underlying meaning of this shit?  What?  Victor is all about the love.  Nick thinks they have different definitions of love.  Victor fakes a headache so Nick will get him some aspirin.  Then he stashes Nick’s champagne glass in a Ziplock bag, and steals a hairbrush from Faith’s backpack.  lol  Seriously, don’t these people all have DNA samples on file somewhere?

 

Austin RUSHES over to Summer, baby, sweetie pie.  Did she come to say goodbye?  No, she changed her mind so she could stay home and pout.  Dr. Pen is off the hook for now.  Mariah says there’s no rush, it’s not like her mom is going anywhere.  Ouch, way too far, Mariah.  Austin is like wtf??

 

Phyllis’ ride tells her she’s awfully quiet.  Where is she heading anyway?  Phyllis slyly stares.  We fade to black, and I imagine the next scene being Phyllis driving the car with the guy nowhere to be found.

Edited September 26, 2014 by peach

[Joimiaroxeu]

Jack reminds her this project is super revolutionary and is EVEN BIGGER THAN SCARLET MIST.  Is that even possible?

Yes, yes it is possible. I always thought Scarlet Mist sounded like a feminine hygiene spray. Jabot's entire marketing team should have been fired.

 

Kinda makes you wonder about the title Scarlet Mist, like when your blood goes spraying everywhere.

There ya go. Scarlet Mist...For those certain days of the month when you're out riding horses and running in track meets while wearing all white clothing.

 

THE WORST DEFENSE ATTORNEY AND LAW PARTNER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

IKR? Why is Michael trying so hard to get Dylan in trouble? It can't be to drum up business because Avery won't bill her own boyfriend. Is there possibly a law partner affair in the air?

 

“Your mom and I never saw eye-to-eye about anything,”

"Except for our practice of sleeping with different men at the same time and getting into WTD situations. But hey, things worked out okay for you and Faith, huh?"

[peach]

Tue, Sept 23   Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

 

Replay of Victor Ziplocking the champagne glass and hair brush.  Did he BRING these glasses over, or is he stealing one of Sharon’s?  I think she might notice.  Nick brings him aspirin and asks what is really going on.

 

Noah’s working on Mariah’s schedule, and she has to work another double on Saturday, probably so Austin can go out and play.  She asks why he isn’t out celebrating his parents’ disgustingly happy engagement.  Uh-oh, she’s slicing lemons like Dylan.  Sibling bickering about her attitude.  She says soon she’ll have enough cash to get away from them. Noah’s like, what, are you planning on winning the lottery.  If you mean messing up his life some more, then, yeah, “something like that.”

 

Phyllis sits silently with the guy who picked her up hitchhiking.  He thinks she must really want to get wherever she’s going.  She side eyes him like she’s going to eat his liver and steal his car.

 

Chris texts Paul that she’s at the station.  She walks in Paul’s office and catches Dylan in there!  He’s holding the Ian Ward file.  “What do you think you’re doing??”

 

Paul walks up and joins Nikki at the club.  Gosh, does she mind if picks up that drink, he’s DYING of thirst.  NO!  Don’t drink that… Paul sniffs it.  “Vodka!” he gasps, in full disapproving dad mode.

 

Victor’s like, what’s going on with me?  Whatever do you mean?  Nick’s like, right.  Why would Victor have a sudden change of heart about the wedding?  And why did he fake a headache to change the subject?  Pish posh, didn’t Victor just toast to their future together?  What does he have to do around here to get people to accept his happy champagne toasts?  Nick’s like, after the lengths you went to to uncover Sharon’s supposed secret? 

 

Victor can’t keep up this façade for even two minutes.  “SUPPOSED secret?” asks Victor.  “Have you forgotten that Sharon said herself that she’s hiding something that could be devastating to you?”  So did he have to use Mariah and grill Sharon’s doctor?  “You bet!”  Yeah, well Nick’s concerned about what he has planned next.  “Don’t you worry aboutadamnthing, K?”

 

Sharon comes back in, and Victor decides to leave.  He tells them to enjoy the champagne.  Sharon says if he means his well wishes then he’s welcome in their home any old time, and can even attend the wedding!  Victor’s like, yeah!  It’s gonna be interesting and super fun.  He smiles, which is always a terrible sign, and leaves.  Nick’s like, you don’t believe a word of that, do you?

 

Noah mocks Mariah’s chances of winning the lottery.  She thinks she’s way past due for some good luck.  Noah says she wouldn’t know good luck if it bit her in the ass, and that she LIKES being miserable.  She pushes people away from her who are just trying to help.  Oh, like when Sharon kicked her out?  Ugh, get over it.  Noah says she didn’t know that Mariah was Cassie’s twin.  EXACTLY, and that’s all she is to these people:  Cassie’s Twin.  Nobody cares about Mariah the person, and she already has a mother.  Right, the lowlife bitch who hates her. 

 

Noah’s like here you have people whenever you need them, like Faith, or even possibly Summer.  Mariah’s like HA!   Summer who acts like a five year old and cried and tattled to everyone that big, bad Mariah said her mommy wasn’t getting better, so that Noah would let Austin go home and comfort her whiny ass?  Noah’s like, well, that was a pretty crappy thing to say, and poor baby Summer was hurt and needed that.  That’s the kind of loyalty MARIAH could be getting from them, he says, but she’s too dumb to accept it, and instead will be working double shifts instead of being coddled like a proper Newman princess.  Yeah, figure out which side the bread is buttered on, Mariah.

 

Paul shakes his head in bitter disappointment that Nikki, who’s worked so hard to stay on the wagon, is doing this!  For a detective, he seems to be missing the entire second place setting WHERE HE IS SITTING.  Nikki explains that the drink was for Barbara Goldberg who was meeting her to discuss charity for DISABLED OFFICERS, Paul, so don’t you feel bad now?  Barb just said she can’t make it, though. 

 

Paul’s like…oh.  He was worried because she said she can’t handle ANY more stress.  Oh, please, Paul, like she would do anything to risk her sobriety, she lies.  Talking to Paul makes her feel so much better, she doesn’t need booze.  Especially since he says Dylan’s not in any trouble!  She worries about Christine showing up and seeing them at a table together, so she leaves.  Nikki has to cover her lying tracks some more and calls Barb Goldberg to cancel their meeting herself.

 

Chris asks Dylan how he got in there.  Um, through the door.  Dawkins let him in to see Paul.  Chris seems to be under the impression that maybe Dylan is capable of subterfuge, but he really just came to see Paul, and just HAPPENED to notice the confidential file on Ian Ward just sitting out on Paul’s desk.  How is that Dylan’s fault?   That’s none of his business, says Christine.  Hey, it affects his mother, so sue him.  “You too.  I mean, that’s REALLY what you’re concerned about, isn’t it?” she asks with suspicious, narrowed eyes.  Dylan looks at her like, you’re not very nice.

 

He asks what exactly she’s implying and why? The last time she saw him she acted like a friend, and now she’s treating him like a criminal.  She says he has to admit she has cause for concern.  A man being questioned in Ian’s disappearance is caught snooping around the police chief’s office??  He’s like hold ON, he isn’t snooping, and he hasn’t been arrested or anything, so what is the big deal?  Christine sneers that this doesn’t reflect well on PAUL, and for him to be in the room with the evidence is completely inappropriate!  Well, take that up with Dawkins and your careless husband.  The truth is he’s just there to talk to Paul about poor Nikki.  Oops.  UGH, that’s all she hears about is how hard this is on Nikki.  Dylan understands it’s been hard on Paul, too.  “And if you don’t want to make it worse you will LEAVE and promise never to do anything like this again!” she scolds.  Paul walks in.  “Anything like what?”

 

Sharon says as long as Victor wants to make a gesture of good will, she’s willing to play along.  Nick says Victor claims his only agenda is…  Protecting YOU, says Sharon.  She thinks they should just play good cop, bad cop with him.  Yeah, but Nick never got the real story about his visit.  Sharon asks if that would even matter when it comes to Victor.  Why not just enjoy the lull and plan the wedding.  They both have a matter they need to take care of.

 

Dr. Cutler is on the phone telling someone to keep searching for Phyllis!  “The woman just got out of a coma, for God’s sake, she couldn’t have gone far!”  Dr. Cutler obviously doesn’t know Phyllis.   And no, he hasn’t contacted her family yet.  Or the authorities.  LOL, what would you even say?!  Victor calls and asks if Phyllis has made any more progress.  Oh, she’s made MILES of progress!

 

The guy driving Phyllis down the highway is clean cut and wearing a suit, but he’s still a creeper, which is why you don’t hitchhike.  He says Phyllis could at least be a little more…friendly.  He puts his hand on her atrophied thigh.  She pushes it off and then grabs a flashlight out of the door pocket and pounds him in the arm with it.  OOF, he says.  Dang, she’s pretty strong and quick for a coma victim.  He just nods like he gets it, okay, because that’s all you have to do with creepers.  Just let’em know it’s not okay, amirite?

 

Dr. Cutler tells Victor that Phyllis’ situation is…unresolved.  Well, Victor expects good results soon.  And hey, he needs a really reputable DNA lab, can he help him out with that?  Dr. Cutler tells him there’s one in Sweden.  Seriously?  You can probably buy a kit at Walgreens these days.

 

Nikki comes in.  She’s still very upset with Victor, and how does he know she hasn’t already gone to Nicholas and Sharon and warned them he’s going to interfere?   Um, because she has no backbone, and also because he just came from there.  He brought them champagne and toasted their future!  Ugh, says Nikki, any excuse to keep playing his little games.  She says he probably forgot to mention his little meeting with Mariah when he paid her off for God knows what!  Yeah, well why don’t YOU mention it to them, Nikki, geez.

 

Nick and Sharon pay Mariah a little visit at the bar.  She decides it’s a good time to take a break and go away, but they have something to ask her first.

 

Paul doesn’t much care that Dylan was in his office.  “Standing over a confidential file,” nags Christine.  Yeah, but he wasn’t even reading it.  Chris is like what if HARDING or somebody caught him?  Well, he didn’t.  Dylan apologizes for accidentally putting Paul in this position and leaves.  Chris insists that Paul really needs to set some boundaries with the guy who gave him a liver.  Boundaries aren’t really his thing.  Paul rubs his eyes because Chris is so f’ing annoying.  He says Dylan is a good man, okay.  Chris thinks that’s IRRELEVANT, he can’t come in and peruse files he’s in.  Paul says it won’t happen again, and Chris gets even madder and says he should listen to the excuses he makes for Dylan.  “It’s got to stop!”

 

Victor doesn’t know where Nikki gets these ideas.  He lies and says Mariah is broke, and he was just helping her out, you know, the way he just likes helping people.  She didn’t go to her mother because she doesn’t LIKE her mother and neither does Victor. He has empathy for that girl because he knows what it’s like to not be able to pay his damn bills.  So let’s not bicker.  Nikki folds.  And he has to go on another business trip. Time for a bender!

 

Nick would be extremely honored if Noah would stand up for him at the wedding.  Wow, says Noah.  Nick confesses he will never forget the look on Noah’s face when he told him they were getting a divorce…like he didn’t even know him anymore.  He says when Cassie died he got confused, etc.  He and Sharon had never dealt with that pain until now.  “It’s different now.”  Noah can tell because they’re really happy instead of TRYING to be happy.  Nick says they’re exactly where they belong.  Noah accepts the best man offer.

 

Mariah thinks Sharon is completely insane for asking her to be a bridesmaid, along with Summer, no less.  What fun.  Sharon says it would mean a lot to her.  “And that matters to me why?”  She’s not going to forget that Sharon gave her up for adoption and also was a big meanie that one time.  Sharon says that was just one stupid argument.  Whatever, Mariah doesn’t even care.  “I believe you DO care, so much that it scares you,” says Sharon.  “Well, thank you for that instant analysis, Dr. Freud.”  Sharon says Mariah can keep fighting her, but she is never giving up on her.  Etc.

 

Noah always knew Nick loved him.  Nick’s proud of the man Noah is.  They also think it’s cray for Sharon to ask Mariah to be a bridesmaid along with Summer and Faith.  There’s hope, and then there’s flat out delusion, says Noah.

 

Sharon thinks the wedding will be fun, and Faith would like to have her there.  Oh, playing the Faith card again.  Sharon says it’s an honest invitation.  Mariah says she will at least think about it.  Sharon promises to ask her every single day until she gives in.  FINE, she’ll do it for the free dress and meal.  Sharon says she’ll get a lot more than that in the long run.

 

Christine nags Paul about the direction he’s going in professionally.  He’s a Distinguished Citizen for crying out loud.  She says people are just waiting to catch him showing Dylan special consideration, and then he’ll be off the case (which should have already happened) and maybe out of a job!  Who are all these people?  All the other people who get special consideration from Paul Williams?  WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?  Chris doesn’t think he can be neutral.  She shouts at him about the [conjecture] facts that make Dylan look guilty.  She’s just trying to protect Paul in her usual overbearing fashion.  He promises to do everything he needs to do.

 

Nikki’s at Crimson Lights popping mints, so we know what that means.  She sees Dylan and calls, “Yoo hoo!!  Hey, [sailor] stranger!!”  She puts the mints in her bag next to the liquor bottle.  Dylan apologizes for being too busy to ever call her back.  He knows she’s worried about how he left that party.  Noooo, Paul says everything is all good.  You’re not in any trouble with the police, she whispers.  He’s like, did they SAY that?  She holds his hand and slurs about how sometimes we do things out of our control, and she doesn’t blame him for anything.  He tries in vain to think of how to get away from her.

 

Paul goes over the Ian Ward file some more and remembers how Dylan destroyed all the furniture at the coffee shop because he was mad at Ian.  Then Dawkins comes in and tells him the call to the insurance company came from Avery Clark’s apartment.  Damn.

 

Dylan tries to follow Nikki’s boozy conversation.  She’s just saying we all make our choices, and some choices are better than others, right?  Blah blah blah…she drifts off.  He thinks she must have low blood sugar instead of high blood alcohol, and goes to get her a snack.  She sneaks a swig out of her bottle.

 

Nick and Sharon get home.  Gosh, everything’s all coming together.  They gaze at the champagne bottle (and one glass) and Nick just can’t stop worrying about what a shit his dad is and how he had Victoria arrested at HER wedding. Sharon doesn’t want to let Victor ruin their happiness.  He can’t ruin it anyway, says Nick, even if he’s trying to track down that secret they don’t care about.  Sharon pauses.  “Do you think that’s what he’s doing??”  DUH!!!  Nick says it doesn’t matter and hugs nervous Sharon.

 

Mariah goes to Victor’s office and demands to know when she’s getting the rest of her money so she can leave town before she’s forced to wear a bridesmaid dress with Summer.  Victor doesn’t want to hear her crabbing, and he’s not giving her shit until he can substantiate that Faith isn’t Nick’s daughter.  If that’s successful, then she doesn’t have to worry, because no wedding will ever take place.

 

Well…hitchhiker creeper is, um, gone now.  I guess Phyllis used the flashlight for Morse code to indicate she wanted out of his car.  She staggers in front of a road sign and bobs her head around like a marionette.  The creeper got her a good 400 miles today, though, so she’s only got 285 to go.  Maybe she can limp into Chicago for the night.  Soon she’ll be Puttin’ On The Ritz!

[Joimiaroxeu]

 

Soon she’ll be Puttin’ On The Ritz!

Hee! I get that reference!

[peacheslatour]

Muddy Boots- DRINK!

 

/Glad to see you back in fine form peach!  Hope you're in the pink.

[peach]

Wed, Sept 24    The Great Asparagus Edict

 

It’s morning.  Nick visits Victoria at the office to tell her about Victor’s strange champagne shenanigans.  She agrees he must be up to something, but what? 

 

Victor flew his champagne glass and hairbrush to Sweden.

 

Kelly and Jack are talking about something.  Her hair is, like, perfect.  I want whatever she’s using on it.  The snake print blouse, not so much.  Turns out Kelly hates that asparagus Mrs. Martinez is always shoving down their throats, but…wait.  Oh, PHYLLIS liked it.  But Jack says it’s hereby banned from this house!

 

Phyllis sits in some diner relearning how to swallow gruel and perhaps the skill of dine and dash/shuffle, when a trooper comes in with a police sketch of Phyllis.  She hides behind her menu.

 

Lauren and Michael get coffee and Michael mauls her with kisses.  Last night was MIND-BLOWING.  Those little blue pills are the shit!  He is on fiah!  She leaves for work.  His doctor really gives personal attention and calls Michael to see how it worked out.  It was awesome, he says, looking at the pill bottle, and he promises to come in and have an actual checkup [never] when he gets a chance.  Then he bumps into Sharon who’s carrying a giant, wedding dress garment bag, and Michael drops the pills right in front of God and everybody.

 

Kevin’s typing his garbage on his laptop in the back of the shop, and Stitch comes in the terrace door, looking super fly in business clothes.  “What the HELL is THAT?” he asks, stunned.  Kevin slams down the lid and says “This is mind your own damn business.”  Oh, like when Kevin dug up his past and torched his whole life? asks Stitch.  Like that? 

 

Chelsea’s at home wearing a GCRB Jersey Shore prom dress, in the morning, when the doorbell rings.  It’s Billy!  Chelsea is clearly surprised to see him in a black tank top and doofy backwards cap, as he lamely tosses a baseball inside.  “Play ball?” he asks weakly.  Guess HE isn’t working today.  I guess this is going to be one of those Billy/Chelsea madcap misunderstandings.

 

She’s totally confused.  Did he turn 8 years old while she was gone?  It’s their first date!  Didn’t she get his text?  Yes, he invited her to a charity ball.  In the middle of the day?  He blames auto correct.  He wanted her to PLAY ball in the park.  Madcap misunderstanding!  He thinks it will be a great first date story.  Does he really think they’ll be together long enough for one of those.  He sure does.

 

Michael scoops up his pills and they dish over her wedding dress.  Omg, it’s awkward though, because Phyllis is Michael’s best friend!  Even though he hasn’t mentioned her in a year!  But he sure misses that Phyllis, she doesn’t let you get away with anything!

 

The waitress asks the trooper what kind of trouble this pretty lady is in?  He says don’t let her good looks fool you, she’s dangerous.  SHE KNOWS THE SECRET plus she’s infected with alien larvae.  The waitress looks over and Phyllis is GONE.  She’s a regular Houdini these days.  We find Phyllis hiding in the bathroom.  She eyes the window for an escape.  So she’s like a ninja now, but she can’t remember phone numbers.

 

Victor didn’t tell Victoria where he was going, he’s probably involved in a hostile takeover.   Yeah, of Nick’s wedding, he says.  Victoria says he did have her arrested on her wedding day, so anything is possible.  So, uh, would she let him search his desk?  Dr. Cutler’s phone number is SITTING RIGHT THERE ON THE PHONE!

 

Jack and Kelly have another tiresome conversation about the strength of their relationship and how she should stop acting like a guest and start ordering the servants around her own damn self.  Blah Phyllis blah.   Okay, let her redecorate the bedroom.  On second thought, the no asparagus edict is good enough for Kelly.  She goes upstairs and he calls someone for help. Maybe the Malibu decorator.

 

Victoria hates being put between Nick and Dad.  But she will turn a blind eye like a good sister and not see him search the desk.  Nick wusses out like an IDIOT and decides not to stoop to Victor’s level because love will be enough protection from a sociopathic mastermind.  One thing Victoria CAN do is misappropriate company resources to give Nick and Sharon a honeymoon on a Newman Enterprises private island.  Nick accepts.  He asks how SHE is doing, and she’s fine, eating organic and staying busy.  He knows she’s lonely so he gives her a hug.

 

Billy and Chelsea toss the ball around and blather about how he’s bringing all the dead folks into the now with him, in this park.  Giggle flirt.

 

Kevin says he did everyone in town a favor by exposing Stitch, a cold blooded killer.  He’s like, yeah, and what about what you’re writing to God knows who on that laptop?  “You know, about how the meek not just inheriting the earth, but taking it by brutal, deadly force?” he mocks. “Nothing the least bit heartless or psycho about that, uh-uh.” Kevin says he had no right to read that!  What size font are you using, bro?  Kevin says taking a man’s life is NOTHING compared with killing his soul.  Stitch smirks. “You’re a freak,” he snorts, and stomps off.  Michael overhears.  Kevin says Stitch is just mad because he outed his patricide.  The bigger question is wth is wrong with Michael, because Lauren is a worried, weepy basketcase over him.

 

Chelsea can’t throw a baseball five feet.  Billy kisses her.  They giggle and run off to get drinks!  Victoria comes around the corner.  SHE can’t even walk down a sidewalk.  She falls over.  Stitch walks up.  “Let me help.”  She sits pathetically in a heap.

 

Michael wants to know why Lauren was asking Kevin questions.  She just wanted to know if Michael opened up to him, which he has not.  And if he ever expects Kevin to open up to HIM again, he better start doing that now.  That’s no problem because as of today, life couldn’t be sweeter and he’s an extremely happy man who isn’t divulging his wonder medication to anyone.

 

Faith is super excited to see the wedding dress!  Does it have bling?  Sharon explains that it will be very bad luck if Daddy sees the dress.  She unzips the bag and Nick walks in the door.  Faith is horrified! Now the wedding is jinxed!  Nick explains he only saw a tiny bit of the dress, and what could POSSIBLY jinx this wedding?  Sharon looks worried.  Also the dress she is wearing right now is too small and she’s about to bust out of the top.

 

Phyllis tries to unstick the bathroom window, but the no-nonsense waitress busts her!  “Where do you think you’re going?”  She tells Phyllis not to sweat it though, the trooper is gone.  Today is her lucky day.  Phyllis smirks about her amazing run of good luck.

 

Nick tells Faith she’s too smart to believe a silly superstition could curse the wedding.  That’s what Grandpa is for.  Nick pretends to go backward in time so he can erase the mistake.  Daddy is so silly!

 

Kelly comes downstairs and meets Lauren plus ANOTHER decorator who is going to help Kelly redecorate the whole Abbott manse except the other Abbott bedrooms.  Jack doesn’t care what Traci and Ashley think.  He tells her to go for it!  “Make this your home, you’re here to STAY.”  Lauren turns away.  Jack shows the decorator around.   Lauren weeps and tells Kelly that Phyllis was her best friend.  So it was really nice of Jack to bring her into this.

 

Kevin doesn’t want to hear the gory details about Michael’s sex life.  He asks if he ever got the chance to get Mariah’s “marriage” annulled.  He filed the motion, but why does Kevin care?  Does he have a thing for her?  Kevin says they’re just friends.  He’s leaving town for a few days.  Michael thinks he’s being very mysterious.  Kevin says what’s life without a little mystery?

 

Victoria is in a mood.  She asks if Stitch stalks this park looking for injured people.  No, he’s walking to work.  She tells him to keep walking then. Of course, she has a turned ankle, like any good damsel in distress.  He tells her to stop being so stubborn and let him look at it.  He’s not going to risk her tripping and falling and hurting the baby.  She finally agrees.  He moves it around and says he’s just trying to find the source of her pain.  Victoria looks sad.  He says it’s not serious, she just needs to ice it, and no dancing.  She thanks him for checking it out, and then suddenly shouts WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!  O-kaaay.

 

Chelsea and Billy are bicker joking and then she shows him she really CAN throw a baseball by hitting him with it.  SO, she just PRETENDED she couldn’t throw so he would put his arms around her and kiss her.  She USED him.  “How does that feel,” says Chelsea.  “Pretty good,” says Billy.  “This is stupid,” says Peach.

 

Kevin..well, Kevin is apparently going on a caper.  He’s dressed all in black, with a black hoodie, and a big, black duffle bag.  Hijinks music plays in the background.

 

Kelly insists to Lauren that she means no disrespect to Phyllis by wiping her presence from existence.  Lauren knows that in her head, just not in her her heart.   Tears roll down her face.  What a fun project!  She remembers the amazing time she and Phyllis had picking out the curtains.  Lauren apologizes.  She just had that feeling that if everything stayed the same, Phyllis would come back.  Kelly says they can call the whole thing off.  No, Lauren realizes it’s time for a life marker, it’s time to move on.  So let’s talk about décor!!

 

Phyllis drinks coffee while the waitress sympathizes.  She says the cop said Phyllis conked some business man, but she bets it’s because he got too gropey!  Word.  The coffee’s on the house, and she even gives her some cash.  She hopes it gets her where she’s going, wherever that is.  “Home,” says Phyllis.  Hey, maybe the waitress has a PHONE.

 

Chelsea and Billy jabber some more.  She finally takes off his stupid hat.  What is with Billy and stupid hats?  They make out.  And then some.

 

Chelsea unloads on Stitch.  She screams and cries about how he was supposed to be the Anti-Billy and be loyal and dependable.  He’s just another liar, and even worse, a murderer!  Why did he break her heart like that?  She pushes him awkwardly.  “WHY? WHY? WHY?” she screams and pushes!  He grabs her arms and says he can’t take it anymore!!  There’s something he has to confess!

 

Lauren leaves Kelly some design books, and says enjoy her new home.  Be happy.  Jack smiles.  She leaves, and Jack is like what was that thing between her and Lauren.  Oh, was it that she’s PHYLLIS’ BEST FRIEND?  Yeah, Jack, it was that.  But Kelly says he’s perfect.  Kissing.

 

Sharon asks the groom’s opinion of the part of the dress he saw.  He would say it was beautiful if his memory hadn’t been erased.  She asks if he thinks white is too much for a sixth or seventh wedding, I’ve lost count.  NO, BECAUSE THIS WEDDING IS DIFFERENT AND THEY ARE GOING TO LAST FOREVER.  I love Shick and even I’m getting sick of this.   And Faith can’t find her hairbrush!

 

Victor opens his briefcase with the hairbrush.  He looks at a video from Faith, and then tells the doctor he has the samples. 

 

Phyllis reads the date on the newspaper. It’s the St. Louis Dispatch.  Do they get that in Chicago?  Phyllis freaks out, I guess, but it’s sluggish.  The waitress asks if she needs to rest a little longer.  “I can’t.  I’ve lost too much time already.”  And she still has to walk almost three hundred miles.

[peacheslatour]

 

Nick tells Faith she’s too smart to believe a silly superstition could curse the wedding.  That’s what Grandpa is for.

L fucking O L!

 

She hopes it gets her where she’s going, wherever that is.  “Home,” says Phyllis.  Hey, maybe the waitress has a PHONE.

*dead*

[jodo]

We have missed the recaps Peach!!!  LOL  

[Desperately Random]

These recaps are the BEST. I laugh every time I read them. I know these are ten times more entertaining than the show could ever be.

Hope you're all better.

[crowsworks]

 

These recaps are the BEST. I laugh every time I read them. I know these are ten times more entertaining than the show could ever be.

What show? Who watches that crap?

[movinon]

These recaps are the BEST. I laugh every time I read them. I know these are ten times more entertaining than the show could ever be.

Hope you're all better.

You are so right.  I read them first, so I can just FF to the funny parts.  Except when Peach is sick (whine,whine) and I have to make my way through the garbage by myself.

[peach]

Hee! I get that reference!

I'm glad, I was worried I might be the only person who knew what I was talking about, lol.  I've had it on my mind since she first lurched out of bed.  Soopah Doopah!

Thanks for the good wishes, friends.  Finally getting better, also been off the grid for a couple days enjoying the country.  :)   Trying to carve out some time for the next installments.

Thanks for the good wishes, friends.  Finally getting better, also been off the grid for a couple days enjoying the country.  :)   Trying to carve out some time for the next installments.

Edited September 28, 2014 by peach

[peach]

Thur, Sept 25    Ties And Pies

 

Unemployed Summer has been shopping til she drops upon a lounge chair at the rooftop pool.   Malibu Austin asks her if she needs a towel, because…he’s a lifeguard now.  At the end of September, in Wisconsin, on a roof.  Great second career choice.

 

Billy and Chelsea make out in her bed.  First date jokes.  More making out.

 

Victoria rubs her belly and whines about how more confessions just mean more secrets, and she just can’t do it anymore.  Stitch breathlessly says there is more to the story!   They both sound like they’ve been running.  He says she needs to trust him!  Ha, she says she’s been there, done that, and she doesn’t care.  Well, he does care what she thinks about him.  Okay, tell her.

 

Jill chats with Lauren at the pool about boutique business, but Lauren’s daydreaming about her sex life and can’t pay attention. 
Michael admires the new Baldwin/Clark & Associates sign in the new law office, which seems like a slight exaggeration.  Christine drops by with flowers.  Michael tells her he’s glad their first case isn’t going to be his partner’s boyfriend, and that his muddy boots problem didn’t turn out to be anything.  I’m glad, too, since Michael likes helping the prosecution so much.  Chris is like, muddy boots??  What are you talking about?!

 

Paul reviews the Ian Ward evidence.  “Oh, God, Dylan,” he says to himself.  “What have you done?”

 

Nikki stops by Crimson Lights to apologize to Dylan for acting like such a weirdo yesterday.  He says he knows what’s up, and he has to admit it worries him a lot.  Of course he thinks it’s her MS symptoms she’s covering up.  Nikki goes with it and blames her new (liquid) medication, but she has everything under control now.

 

Billy and Chelsea have their second afterglow.  Chelsea’s hungry and doesn’t want graham crackers, so he’s going to take her on a real people date.  After they do it again.

 

Summer can’t believe Austin didn’t tell her about the new lifeguard gig so they could CELEBRATE!  He laments that the pool season is almost over.  Kissing.

 

Stitch wants to go someplace private to confess the rest of his sordid story, but then his mom comes along and interrupts.  She introduces herself to a surprised Victoria, and starts gushing about what a wonderful father Stitch would be.   “He PROTECTS the people he loves…there is no one on earth more LOYAL than my son,” she says, because people like Maureen always know when they need to reel in that guilt line again.   Stitch grimaces.  Vicky says she has to get back to work and excuses herself.  “You were going to tell her, weren’t you?” Maureen asks Stitch.

 

Dylan is protective over Nikki and will even go to the doctor with her.  She really doesn’t want to be a burden.  She rushes off and bumps into Paul on the way out.  Paul has questions, like did Dylan call Ian’s insurance company?  Dylan’s like why the hell would I do that?  He doesn’t know anything about it.  Paul says it’s not such a big leap from being the beneficiary of Ian’s will to his insurance policy.  Dylan never wanted any of Ian’s money and told him so.  Paul tells him they traced the call to Avery’s apartment.  Dylan says that doesn’t make any sense.  “Man, you really are looking at me for murder, aren’t you?!”  Paul admits that they don’t even know if Ian’s dead…unless Dylan knows otherwise? 

 

Jill wants to gossip about Lauren’s sex adventures.  She resists but admits things are MAGICAL right now.  If she talks about it, the magic might slip away.  Oh, there were at least 30 days of magic in that bottle, Lauren.  She’s about to give in and spill her story to Jill, when, GASP!  Billy and Chelsea come in, very obviously together.  Jill frowns in confusion.

 

Michael’s excited for more sharing time with the D.A. about how the mud on Dylan’s boots didn’t match the mud on everything else.  Her olive green drab jacket does not go with her fiery red-orange dress,  and she’s pissed about being unaware of mud and boots and tests and Paul’s deceptions.  Michael makes some excuses, but it’s time for Chris to go.  Michael grimaces because it’s so much more upsetting to him that he let what Paul is doing slip out to Chris, than that he feeds a potential defendant’s private info to them both.

 

Avery comes in and asks where Chris ran off to.  Dumbass Michael says apparently no one told Chris about Dylan’s muddy shoes and the testing.  Avery’s like…what?  “Dylan’s shoes were tested??”  Michael’s like, d’oh!  “A second person sounding surprised.  Excellent.”  Avery says Dylan never mentioned anything about being served a search warrant!  Michael’s like, meh.  “I don’t know anything about that,” he shrugs.  Omg, seriously?  Avery’s like, “Well, what DO you know, Michael?”  Besides how to ignore the Constitution.

 

Michael says IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.  Search warrants:  not a big deal, you guys.   “I just happened to hear one of Genoa City’s finest mention that he found Ian’s keys and jacket near the quarry, and there was a mention of mud.”  Avery’s like, uh, right, that YOU mentioned, because you and Paul saw the shoes at my place.  Michael admits he BROUGHT IT UP to Paul.  She’s like wtf, you idiot?  He says he has an obligation because they’re officers of the court.  Really?  Defense attorneys are obligated to run around providing evidence to “Genoa City’s finest?”  Hope you can get out of that lease, Avery.  Michael still doesn’t think it’s a big deal because the mud doesn’t match.  Avery is upset and says of course it doesn’t because Dylan is not responsible for Ian’s disappearance.  So Christine doesn’t have anything to be upset about!!  “Neither do you,” snarks Michael.  She punches him in the throat.  Not really.

 

Chris comes rushing into the station to check in with Harding.  He says the lab has no record of logging in McAvoy’s muddy boots or testing them.  Chris is like, omg.  Horrors!  PAUL IS LYING!

 

Austin and Summer make out on his break.  She was super worried that his second job would mean she wouldn’t get to spend as much time with him, like all of every single day.  He reminds her this one is temporary, I’m thinking probably the weekend, but his next job will be better.  Barnacle Summer says maybe they can get one working TOGETHER, somewhere she doesn’t have to be 21.  He looks at her shopping bags and suggests she work as a personal shopper for Fenmore’s.  Oh, silly, she just bought a bunch of accessories for Sharon’s wedding, nothing that a lifetime of lifeguarding couldn’t pay for.  She bought him something, too!  An ugly tie.  He about has a stroke when he sees the label. “You’re going to have to take this back!”  Summer pouts.

 

Billy and Jill lovingly snark at each other over who doesn’t call whom.  He admits he’s on a date with Chelsea.  She’s like, ewww.  “Darling, if you want to make Victoria jealous, why don’t you pick somebody who could inspire jealousy?”  Billy’s not laughing anymore.  That’s not funny, Mom, he whines.  He likes [banging] being with Chelsea.  “Since when?” asks Jill.  Chelsea skeptically watches this convo from the side. 

 

Billy’s like, hey, Chelsea is a smart, funny, beautiful woman.  “Yes!  Who DRUGGED you, and TRICKED you into getting pregnant, and then left you to ROT in a FOREIGN PRISON!”  Ha.  “Well, COLIN is a MONSTER, who tried to kidnap his own grandkids and puts HITS out on people, and yet, you still MARRIED him!”  That’s what I call a stalemate.  He kisses her and says he loves her, and she loves him, too, and they both get back to their wildly dysfunctional lives.   Billy offers to take Chelsea somewhere else, and Jill frowns and plots.

 

Victoria’s back in the office, massaging her ankle, and Nikki walks in.  “Hi, Mom!  Are you looking for Dad?”  Nope, she was looking for that scotch bottle that you’re now standing in the way of.  She wants Victoria to be tolerant and open-minded, because she’d like to throw a bridal shower for SHARON.  Vicky says she forgot it was April Fool’s Day.  She thinks one of Sharon’s friends should throw her a shower, but OH, that’s RIGHT, Sharon doesn’t HAVE any friends, as opposed to Victoria who just has scads of them.  Nikki’s like, look, Nicholas loves her.  Vicky thinks she’s done her part, she’s letting them use the company private island for free, but she reluctantly agrees.

 

Victoria stands up and winces about her ankle.  She assures Nikki she doesn’t need an x-ray, because Stitch was in the park and said she was okay.  Oh, and she met his mom.  Nikki flashes back to the wine party in Maureen’s suite.  Nikki’s like, sooo, what’s she like?  Vicky says she was pleasant, but it was awkward, and she’s almost embarrassed to tell her what she said.  Nikki worries that maybe Maureen said, WOO HOO, YOUR MOM CAN  PAR-TAY!

 

Summer says she thought Austin LIKED the tie.  He’s like, yeah, but I could probably feed a family of four for what it cost.  Summer insists that it might have been on sale.  He’s like, so it was still a couple hundred dollars?  Summer goes, “Is that a lot?”  He’s like, omg.  He says it’s a piece of fabric that he won’t wear more than once a year.  Summer frowns.  “So you’re saying I spend too much money,” she complains.  Ya think?  He’s like, hey, it’s your money, but I don’t wear idiotically expensive shit.  She bitches that he says she CAN spend her trust fund money, just not on him.  He sighs, like why are you making this so hard?

 

Stitch tells Maureen that Victoria deserves to know the truth.  Maureen says, “The world is a complicated place.  There are a MILLION versions of the truth.  All we can do is pick the version that causes the least harm [to me].”  Stitch is like, the least harm to WHO?  Because THIS version isn’t doing him much good right now (or ever) and it’s tearing Victoria up!  Manipulative Mo wishes there were another way.  She insists that judging by how Victoria looks at him, she loves him whether she knows the truth or not, so hang on to that instead of this secret telling stuff.

 

Nikki grabs a mint while asking what Stitch’s mom had to say. Vicky says it was a hard sell about how great he is, like an infomercial, so she panicked and ran back to the office.  She claims to have no second thoughts about Stitch, but it was a good thing his mom interrupted because he had wanted to talk and she was willing to listen there for a minute.  He said he another confession to make.  “UH-OH,” says Nikki. 

 

Victoria says Stitch is probably a serial murderer, and Nikki’s laughs that off for being so dumb.  Vicky complains about his mom saying he was good and loving even though he murdered her husband.  Nikki’s like, he’s her SON.  She’d forgive Nicholas or her for murdering Victor, that’s for sure.   She says people do bad stuff, and forgiveness is what holds families together.  Yeah, so that’s why she’s throwing the shower for Sharon.  But Stitch isn’t family, so he is none of her business.  Nikki agrees she should keep her distance from him AND his mother.   Yeah,  especially her.

 

Victoria’s like, she also had to see Billy with Chelsea.  It’s like he’s forgotten everything she put them through!  Vicky doesn’t think he’s trying to make her jealous, either, it’s like he might be moving on with her.  Then she complains about seeing Stitch with Abby.  Nikki seems to think this is hard to keep up with.   Vicky knows she shouldn’t be upset, but…she is.  After wasting ten minutes of my time with complaining about how horrible Stitch is, she asks her mom if she made a mistake.  Now that Victoria’s left with a big, fat goose egg, she asks if she was wrong to push away both Billy AND Stitch?

 

Billy and Chelsea’s second try at a kissy face date is at Crimson Lights.  What could go wrong with that?  Dylan’s like, well, this isn’t awkward.  They’re like, yes, okay, this is a DATE, and Billy wants PIE.  Dylan’s like, fun.  Chelsea asks Billy if it’s possible for them to go ANYWHERE in this town and not hurt someone’s feelings?  I mean, where else in this sparkling metropolis could they possibly GO except the shop owned by her ex-husband she pretended was Connor’s father?  She walks over and tells Dylan she needs to talk to him.  She wants whipped cream on that pie.

 

Harding tries to come up with excuses for why the evidence isn’t accounted for, I mean, some of these guys are real boneheads.  Chris says don’t even bother.  Paul shows up.  “Hi, sweetheart.”  Chris says, “Dylan’s muddy boots?  How is it that you’ve NEVER mentioned them?”  He thinks they need to take this into his office.  She stares daggers at him.  “Are you concealing evidence from me?”

 

Nikki knows loneliness is painful, but does she just want SOMEONE, or is it specifically Stitch or Billy she wants?  Victoria doesn’t know.  Well, Nikki thinks she did the right thing.  She insists that Victoria isn’t alone, she has all the Newmans to lean on.  Nikki’s phone rings…it’s Maureen.  She needs a friend, and wants to meet for a drink.

 

Chelsea tells Dylan she knows this is weird, because Billy’s his friend, Victoria’s his sister, and she’s his conniving ex-wife.  But she doesn’t want this to be uncomfortable, for heaven’s sake.  He says it’s her life, but in a good way, and he knows Billy’s been through the wringer.  If they want to have coffee, then great.  She tells him he’s really kind, which is how she took advantage of him, and she’s sorry she hurt him.  Dylan says he’s done a lot of wrong stuff, too, like stealing her baby during a psychotic break.  She says he got help, and is doing GREAT now, he must be with the right person.  She’s glad he’s happy.  Now she can go back and suck on Billy’s face some more.

 

Christine demands to know about the boots, the mud, and why Michael knew about it, and she didn’t.  Well, Paul will TELL her if she CALMS DOWN.  She snaps at him not to patronize her while patronizingly going through Ian’s file OF WHICH SHE DOES NOT HAVE A COPY.  He says it’s not complete.  She gets even angrier when she sees that Dylan called the insurance company.  ALLEGEDLY, says Paul.  He’s not convinced that’s how it went down.  “And you kept that from me, too?” she accuses.  Why has it become more important to nail Dylan instead of the town psychopath, Ian?

 

Sugar Summer puts the tie back on Austin and says it’s just a tie, and growing up in her house she never really thought about price tags.  Well, that’s ALL Austin thought about.  “Great,” bitches Summer, “then you must think I’m an overprivileged brat.”  Waaah, you poors are SO UNFAIR.  Austin thinks she’s swell.  Summer insists that her parents took her to a LOT of [lavish parties] fundraisers to make sure she understood a lot of people didn’t live like they did, even though she just expressed shock that a 200 dollar tie was, like, expensive or something.  Austin knows Summer’s childish, spoiled heart, so he’ll just have to accept the tie if she promises not to make a habit out of it.

 

Nikki tells Maureen she’ll be right there, and tells Victoria it’s just more of that charity talk.    She promises Victoria she will heal eventually. 

 

Billy and Chelsea flirt about pie.  She looks around wondering if anyone else is disapproving of their stupid relationship, since everyone knows the details of how they met.  Billy takes his usual attitude of “who cares?” and says everyone in town has their own “details.”  She asks if when he looks at Johnny he has any problem being with her.  He’s like that kid is a gift, and now he has a biological half-brother as a bonus.  He says there are [one] a million reasons for him to be over what happened, and [one] a million reasons he likes being with her now.  He wants to see all this hot sex through.  She does too.  They hold hands.

 

Avery shows up at Crimson Lights, but she can’t find Dylan, who is probably out in the alley avoiding Chelsea and Billy.  She tries him on his phone.

 

Now Paul is pissed, and tells Christine she knows damn well he doesn’t share every little thing with the D.A.’s office at this stage in the investigation.  She says this isn’t LIKE every other case and he knows it!  THIS is the case that pisses her off.  Harding interrupts and asks if he, um, wants the update on said case.  “PLEASE!” says Christine.  Harding comes in and says they’re still dragging the lake for a body which they can’t find.  No sign of Ian Ward anywhere else, so he thinks it’s obvious that they stop looking for Ian, and start looking for his killer.  I think Harding is just trying to impress Chris.  She glares at Paul with actual hatred, IMO.

 

Dylan is back at Avery’s, frantically shoving clothes into a duffle bag!  Uh-oh!

[Joimiaroxeu]

She stares daggers at him.  “Are you concealing evidence from me?”

Did no one think that it might be a bad idea to have a Chief of Police who's married to the DA? If they wanted to, the two of them use their joint powers for no good, like say, keeping their friends and relatives out of jail/prison or putting their enemies in jail/prison on trumped up charges.

 

Austin knows Summer’s childish, spoiled heart, so he’ll just have to accept the tie if she promises not to make a habit out of it.

Pssht, Austin had better start Ebaying that stuff. It's just a matter of time before his ridiculous Barbie Dream House marriage is over and he's going to want to have a little next egg stashed away.

[movinon]

.  Nikki’s like, he’s her SON.  She’d forgive Nicholas or her for murdering Victor, that’s for sure.   

This is too funny - I would forgive them, for sure!  Either one of them would become my hero for life if they murdered Victor - anyone in town, actually  - even Kelly.

[LeftPhalange]

 

Pssht, Austin had better start Ebaying that stuff. It's just a matter of time before his ridiculous Barbie Dream House marriage is over and he's going to want to have a little next egg stashed away.

 

Austin and Mariah make me sick. What good is becoming a member of the Newman family if you're not going to use it to your advantage. Milk those freaks for all they're worth. 

[peach]

I like how Michael thought Harding opening a desk drawer at the police station was illegal search and seizure, since it was about idiot Kevin, but he just SHRUGS and doesn't even KNOW if Paul got a warrant to collect evidence from Dylan.  I mean, Paul is Genoa City's finest, after all.

 

Edited September 29, 2014 by peach

[crowsworks]

 

What good is becoming a member of the Newman family if you're not going to use it to your advantage. Milk those freaks for all they're worth.

You'd deserve every penny for putting up with them.

[peach]

Fri, Sept 26    The Incredible Journey

 

Nick and Noah are tossing a football in the park, and Nick insists he isn’t nervous AT ALL, but finally admits he’s a little worried about Mom.
Faith, Summer, and Sharon are waiting around fruitlessly for Mariah.  Faith is sad and apprehensive because she’s super worried about bad luck.  She’s been waiting for this day for so long, and so has mommy.  Sad piano music plays.

 

Victor’s in Sweden and on the phone with Dr. Cutler, who can’t believe Victor flew all the way to Stockholm for a DNA test.  Dr. Cutler is the one who probably ought to be considering leaving the country right now.  He tells Victor that “nothing’s changed” with Phyllis, as in she’s still missing.  That’s going to be a problem, because as soon as Victor gets this test taken care of, he’s flying straight to the clinic to check on her condition.

 

Phyllis’s new ride is a real salt-of-the-earth guy in a pickup truck who also doesn’t have a phone.   Phyllis smiles thinking about good ole Genoa City.

 

Christine is still bitching at Paul for not telling her about the muddy boots or the phone call.   She didn’t like what she read in Ian’s file.  “You heard what Harding said,” says Chris.  “This is now a MURDER investigation (without a body).”  Is Harding in charge of Paul now?  Chris tells him he as to stop thinking like a father and start thinking like a cop!

 

Dylan is rushing around packing his stuff, and stares at a photo that fell out of his special journal.  I think it’s supposed to be Avery?  I actually can’t tell.

 

Neil is boring the crap out of Hilary at the club while she daydreams about her sex tryst with Devon.  Neil's like, hello?  He stares at the upper corner of the wall while he mentions that though he is blind, usually people still talk to him.  Devon interrupts.   Neil says it’s perfect timing.  He heard through the grapevine that Jack gave Hilary a great opportunity to go to a convention in NY, and she never told him about it.  Hilary says because obviously she’s not going.  He doesn’t want to hear that, and asks Devon to back him up on this.  They go back and forth, and Neil says they both need a break from her being his caregiver.  Tell her, Devon!  They all stare at each other.  Well, Neil just stares at the wall.

 

Paul tells Christine she’s just trying to use the facts to build some case that’s circumstantial at best.  She says she’s being objective, because if anyone is objective and not bitter and jealous of Nikki and her kid, it’s Christine.  She says she knows she’s not a parent so maybe she doesn’t get it, and then drags crazy Ricky into it.  All she’s demanding is the same honesty he would expect from her.

 

She gets all breathless and says that Dylan’s muddy boots are PROBABLY from the same area as the other belongings of the victim.  ALLEGED victim, reminds Paul.  What about the insurance company phone call?  Paul says even if Dylan were broke and selling pencils on the street, he would not accept a DIME from that sleazebag, alive or dead!  I hope it never comes to street pencils for poor Dylan.  Chris says MAYBE he was just worried about it being seen as a motive!  Or MAYBE he’s telling the truth as he knows it!  He has severe PTSD, MAYBE he went into a rage and went after Ian and doesn’t remember it!  That’s a shitload of maybes, prosecutor.  Chris also says she called Avery, who won’t reveal anything, but she just KNOWS Avery is worried, too.  Sounds like an airtight case.

 

Chris says she GETS IT that he’s protecting his son, but he’s just making things worse, especially for himself.  Paul rubs his eyes, holding back emotion.  Then he says okay, I’ll handle it, or something, I’m honestly not sure.  She throws herself in his arms and they sadly embrace.

 

Avery’s in the park checking her phone, when Mariah walks by.  Avery asks if she as a minute, but she’s on her way to Sharon’s to try on princess clothes, which sound a lot better than the black lace tablecloth and hideous necklace she’s wearing right now.  Since she hates Sharon, she’s in no hurry, so she has time to chat with Avery about her annulment.  Avery says legally the marriage is void because Mariah was incapacitated, but she should get an annulment anyway to really make it stick.  So she has to put a notice in three newspapers.  Mariah’s like, do it.  Then she frowns because she feels so STUCK in this city.  “I feel so restless.”  Young and restless?

 

Victor chats with Dr. Jorgenson about making sure Nick is Faith’s father, and he chose him because of his DISCRETION that he prizes highly.  Is this because it’s going to be Victor doing the faking this time?

 

Phyllis has a headache, and pickup guy says he’d be happy to drop her at the hospital.  She says no.  NO hospital.

 

Hilary says she doesn’t want to discuss this in front of Devon, who is frowning sternly at her.  Neil says Devon is FAMILY, and asks him to “throw some Malcolm honesty at her.”  Alas, there is only one Malcolm, and he’s not there.  Devon’s like, it’s just a business trip, who cares?  Neil says it’s a chance for Hilary to focus on herself and her NEEDS.  She decides to go focus on herself right this second, and rushes away.  Neil tells Devon, pssst, go after her!  Devon reluctantly says he’ll see what he can do, which is Hilary.

 

Hilary stresses out in the lobby.  She tells Devon that Neil INSISTED they have lunch at the club.   Devon is glad because he had to see her.  He hasn’t gone two seconds without thinking about their sexy time.   She says all the more reason they should avoid each other!  Devon asks if that’s what she REALLY wants?

 

Nick informs Noah that getting married again was HIS idea.  He had to wear her down.  When he proposed it was super romantic and wonderful, and she was so happy when it was the two of them in their Shick bubble.  But since then, she’s been all anxious and not sleeping and emotionally all over the map.  Noah asks if he means this is some bipolar stuff.  Nick wonders if he’s pushing her for too much too soon.  It wasn’t that long ago that she was getting her brains fried.  But he thinks she deserves this!  She deserves to be happy.  Noah asks what’s best for NICK?

 

Faith is getting impatient, and Sharon insists that Mariah will get there when she gets there.  So they work on making wedding favors.  Summer says if you ask HER, which no one did, she thinks it’s incredibly RUDE of Mariah to keep them waiting, right when she walks in the door.  Faith is super excited, of course.  Sharon offers Mariah a jewelry box.  She opens it and sees a diamond bracelet.  Mariah is surprised, but then gives it back.  Sharon says it’s a gift!  Mariah says it’s a BRIBE, and she’s not taking it.  Like she’s forgotten what pawn shops are.

 

Dylan frets and leaves an envelope addressed to Avery.  He grabs his duffle bag and opens the door, and of course, there is Paul.  “You going somewhere?”  Dylan looks totally frustrated.  Daa-aad, you’re always DOING this!

 

Dylan says as a matter of fact, he was just leaving.  He has some, uh, personal business.  Paul asks what kind of personal business.  Hello?  It’s PERSONAL.  Dylan’s like, are you here for a reason?  Paul says he’s just a concerned father interested in what’s going on with his son, and also a concerned police chief and husband being browbeaten by his concerned wife to nail Dylan’s ass to the wall.  Dylan seems exhausted and sad.  He says he’s been having a really rough time lately, and he reached out to the VA and is gonna spend some time there.  Guess he’ll only have to wait around the lobby for 18 months or so to get in. 

 

Paul says that’s good, and that Avery must fully support him on this.  Dylan didn’t tell her, he just wrote her a letter. It’s…complicated.  Paul says the TIMING of this departure is complicated.  Some people would even say it’s – “What,” says Dylan, “suspect?”  Well, yeah, not to mention he didn’t tell the woman that he loves.  “I ASKED YOU POINT BLANK IF YOU THOUGHT I KILLED IAN!” shouts Dylan.  Paul stares.  “I guess I got my answer.”  Concerned Father Dropping By For A Visit says the nature of this investigation has changed.  Ian Ward is now presumed dead.  Harding says so.  And yeah, Dylan’s a suspect.  Then geeeeeetTFO.  Dylan asks if he’s there to arrest him.  Paul stares some more.

 

Wow, Christine is already talking to the press on the phone.  She says yes, there has been some movement on the case, and the chief of police will be making a statement later.  So I guess you have both your asses comfortably covered now, Mrs. D.A.  Avery was listening at the door.  Did they find Ian?  Conniving bitch Chris just says “it’s an ongoing investigation.”   Christine is like, “look, Avery, I like you, and I hope you know that I respect you” but not enough to let you properly defend your client who DONATED A LIVER TO MY HUSBAND. 

 

Avery says all that like and respect stuff goes both ways and she doesn’t mean to put Chris in an awkward position.  You know who WOULDN’T mind putting the prosecutor in an awkward position?  Leslie.  I miss you, Leslie.  Avery says there’s just so much damage that’s been done by awful Ian that’s hurt so many people they care about.  She’s relieved it will all soon be coming to an end.  Christine’s like…um, yeah.

 

Nick tells Noah he’s always worrying about his parents instead of living his own life.  Noah doesn’t have a life, Nick.  Noah thinks if there are any reservations, they should postpone things.  They’ve know each other practically for life, so what’s the rush?

 

Sharon says it makes her sad that Mariah thinks her gift is a bribe.  “Not everything comes with strings attached,” lectures emotional blackmailer Summer.  Mariah doesn’t want Sharon to waste money on her when she already owes her so much.  Oh em gee, Summer has to explain this isn’t about owing Sharon, she’s the BRIDE.  It’s tradition to give the attendants gifts.  Doesn’t Mariah know ANYTHING about getting free stuff?  Mariah says she doesn’t know about any of that “because the only wedding I’ve been to was mine against my will.” 

 

Sharon says she’ll put the bracelet away and maybe Mariah will change her mind.  Oh, and she has something for Summer and Faith, too.  Summer cuts Mariah a look, like THIS is how gifts are accepted, you peasant.  Summer oohs and ahhs over her present which is the exact same thing.  She can’t WAIT to wear it on her special day. 

 

Sharon leaves to check on Faith, and Summer schools Mariah some more on how she already upset Sharon by being LATE.  She is her MOTHER, for God’s sake, why is she spoiling this for her?!  Mariah’s like, what’s it to you?  Summer’s like, why couldn’t you just accept her gesture?  Mariah says, “And if I’d taken it, you’d have called me a money grubbing opportunist!  I can’t win with you people, so why even bother?”  I love it when Mariah calls them “you people.” 

 

Summer frowny sneers.  “That is so stupid!”  Mariah says she’s being honest, but Summer thinks she’s being mean.  She should have just said thank you instead of focusing on how expensive it was.  “It’s not about the money, Mariah!”  “Says the trust fund brat,” retorts Mariah.  She says it’s a power thing, and Summer’s been in it all her life so that she can’t even see it.  “You know what, ask YOUR HUSBAND how it feels to be on the receiving end of ‘gifts’ like these.”  Ha!  Summer closes her eyes and sucks her breath in, because of Austin’s unappreciation of ties.  Mariah doesn’t miss it, and says it looks like they’ve had that conversation already.   Faith comes in and is excited about any and all accessories, of course.  Summer shows her the gold clutch she’s going to carry.  It…it was her mom’s.  She dug it out of Jack’s trash.

 

Pickup guy says it’s none of his business, but what happened to Phyllis back there?  Why was she out in the middle of nowhere flagging down a ride?  Did she get mugged?  “Does it matter?” says mellow Phyllis.  I guess she doesn’t want to share about escaping Dr. Mengele.  She flashes back to Summer’s voice saying she misses her, Jack misses her, come back to them!  Pickup guy asks if she’s a nurse or something?  She never did say where she was heading.  Summer’s voice says find your way back to us.  It's too bad Summer didn't say CALL us when you wake up, instead.

 

Summer, Mariah,and Faith have tried on their dresses.  Umm, yuck.  They are a dull, unpleasant shade of dusty plum with lots of sheer ick on them including like a sheer halter top over a strapless, sweetheart neckline.  Faith’s flower girl dress is cute, though.  Sharon weeps with joy.  She is going to look SO MUCH PRETTIER than them.  Mariah’s like, super, she’s gotta change and go to work.  “Tell Austin hi for me,” she snipes at Summer, “from his fellow poor relation.” 

 

Summer tells Sharon SHE’S really happy to be part of this, especially after everything Sharon’s done for her since her mom’s accident.  They hug.  She leaves the room, and Sharon notices the gold clutch on the table.  GASP!  Where did this come from?!  Faith says it’s Summer’s mom’s.  Sharon gets the freaky eyes!

 

Victor’s handing over the glass and hairbrush to the world’s renowned discreet DNA guy, so he can find out if Nick is Faith’s father.  Victor says a lot of lives and futures depend on the outcome.  LIVES depend on it?  Wow.

 

Devon tells Hilary he didn’t think he could love her any more than he already did, but he does, and he hated how she left him that day.  She’s like, I HAD TO, Neil called.  He gets that, but she’s acting like she regrets cheating on her husband with his son!  She’s freaking out about having to sit at the same table with the both of them talking about business trips.  Devon basically says if loving her is wrong he doesn’t want to be right.  He wishes he had stopped their wedding, but he didn’t and here they are.  He can’t imagine being without her. 

 

Oh, she totally feels the same way, you guys, but how is she supposed to live like this?  Neil comes tapping his way in, and Hilary goes immediately to his side.  He asks Devon if he used the Winters charm to get her to go to New York?  Devon says he tried.  “I can’t do this!” blurts Hilary.  “Can’t do what?  Go to the convention?”  Um, yeah.  She can’t leave you, Neil.  He says it took some tough love from Malcolm to accept reality.  And that’s what Hilary should be doing.  She can’t put her life on hold for him.  Neil kind of laughs this heavy talk off.  “This is just a trip to New York!  It’s not like you’re abandoning me!” Everyone looks sick.  Hilary agrees to go, but on one condition.

 

Paul tells Dylan he wishes he would TRUST him.  He really is on his side, even given the evidence, some of which he’s not brought forward.  He never wanted to believe Dylan was guilty of something like this, he still doesn’t…but Dylan’s hiding stuff and telling half-truths!  BECAUSE YOU’RE A COP!  And now he’s suddenly disappearing!  Dylan doesn’t care what that looks like.  PAUL CARES.  “I have taken you at your word!  I’ve done everything that I can to protect you!  You make it impossible!”  Actually, Christine makes it impossible.

 

Paul’s getting choked up.  He finds out he’s his SON, and he’s so afraid he’s gonna lose him!  Dylan’s like OMG, I’m not Ricky!  So stop comparing them!  Paul’s like he was my son, and I couldn’t reach him, well, except with a bullet.  Paul cries that he had to be the one to stop Ricky, and he’s scared to death it’s about to happen all over again!  I’d cry, too, if they gave me the same storyline twice.  The worst of it is, he thinks he has a CHANCE with Dylan that he NEVER HAD with that psycho Ricky.  Dylan stares at Paul.  He says if you EVER want a chance with me…then STFU about Ricky.  No, look into my eyes…like really really really look, and see that I didn’t murder anybody.

 

Avery runs into Summer at Crimson Lights and asks if she’s seen Dylan.   She just can’t get a hold of him, because, um, uh, his phone must have died again.  Omg, that’s Austin.  His phone is NEVER charged.  Suuure.  Avery says she seems happy.  She thinks Phyllis would be glad of that.  Summer says she postponed her visit to the clinic because she agreed to be a bridesmaid for Sharon.   Avery’s like…ummm.  “I remember when you were going to be MY maid of honor when *I* was marrying Nick” and then forgot to go to the wedding.  Summer’s like, omg, that seems like SO long ago.  Doesn’t it? 

 

Summer says so much has changed.  She was SO MAD at Avery for standing Nick up, but now she feels like everything happened for a reason.   Now, if only Mariah would stop being such a jerk.  It’s like she’s purposely cruel to Sharon!  Somebody should pound some gratitude into her!  And if she keeps it up, it’s likely to be Summer!  Ha, I’d like to see her try.  Summer’s now Sharon’s Number One Fan, and she wants this to be the most BLISSFUL DAY OF HER LIFE.

 

Sharon stares at the gold clutch.  Nick comes home, and Faith shows off her dress.  They assure her that bridesmaid dresses don’t cause bad luck.   Sharon gushes about how gorgeous all the girls were in their dresses and how she almost burst out crying.  It was so… “Surreal?” interrupts Mariah.  She breezes by on her way out the door.  Sharon insists Mariah will be fine.  He reminds her this is THEIR day, and they can do WHATEVER they want, and if she…needs more time?  What?  “NOOOO, NICK!  I DON’T WANT TO WAIT.”

 

Hilary says the only way she’ll leave town is if Neil promises they talk EVERY night, and if he promises not to do anything extreme.  He jokes about driving the car.  Devon wants to puke.  Neil wants to put her mind at ease that he’s in a much better place than when he asked her to divorce him.  <record scratch>  Devon says, when you did WHAT?  Neil’s like, OH, didn’t Hilary TELL YOU about how I begged her to DIVORCE me so she wasn’t saddled with me for life?  SHE SURE DIDN’T.  Neil’s like, and she wouldn’t do it…because she LOVES me TOO MUCH!  Devon is staring at her, like are you fucking kidding me?  Neil thinks it would really be good for Hilary to get away.  She agrees!  She stares guiltily at Devon as she walks out.  Neil calls Jack and tells him Hilary’s going on the trip.

 

Dylan asks Paul if he came to arrest him.  “Yes,” says Paul.  His phone rings.  It’s Chris, so he doesn’t answer.  She leaves a message telling him she can’t handle the press much longer!  Even though they don’t know anything!  But she says they need to handle this carefully!  The chief of police bringing in his own son?  Omg!  Ugh, SHUT UP, CHRISTINE.

 

Paul says he’s getting a lot of heat for this (from his wife)…he can’t protect Dylan any longer.  He needs to know what happened to Ian Ward NOW, not weeks from now.  So for the last time, confess without a lawyer!!!  Dylan says, then let me help you.

 

Victor needs his test results as soon as possible, that’s why he’s paying him tons of money.   He repeats himself for the third time that he needs to know if his son is the father of Faith.  The doctor says he understands…that Victor has Alzheimers.

 

Sharon shows Nick the gold clutch that belonged to Phyllis.  Something is wrong, she insists.  This purse will look terrible with that dress.

 

Avery asks Summer how she thinks Phyllis would feel about Nick marrying Sharon.  She’s pretty sure she wouldn’t like it.  They giggle.   Yeah, Alien Phyllis is going to be a laff riot.

 

The truck driver has dropped Phyllis off on the edge of town, right in front of the cheap little wooden sign that says Welcome To Genoa City in cursive, just like all booming metropolises and Kountry Kampgrounds have.  She waves.  And so it begins.

Edited September 30, 2014 by peach

[LeftPhalange]

 

Chris says she GETS IT that he’s protecting his son, but he’s just making things worse, especially for himself.  Paul rubs his eyes, holding back emotion.  Then he says okay, I’ll handle it, or something, I’m honestly not sure.  She throws herself in his arms and they sadly embrace.

 

Cricket and Paul have a terrible relationship. All she does is nag and complain about something and Paul mostly seems miserable. And they're boring. 

[crosby777]

They need to kill christeeeeeeeen off. She is a huge fucking bore.

[peach]

Agreed.  If this Chuck Pratt guy likes killing legacy characters, he can start with her.

Edited September 30, 2014 by peach

[crosby777]

 I would stand up and cheer if she was his first casualty. Lily and Cane can be 2 and 3.

[jodo]

They need to kill christeeeeeeeen off. She is a huge fucking bore.

She has been a nasty shrew since they brought her back and if I recall correctly her character had compassion before but that is a big zero now.  When was the last time she smiled??  Her Morticia white hair and Morticia white face are horrible!  

[crosby777]

Everything about her is horrible. There has not been one day she has been on the show that I even remotely liked this nasty character. What a miserable shrew.

[jodo]

There ought to be a BRAVO button for Peache's recaps!  

[glowlights]

Neil comes tapping his way in,

 

The whole recap was great (as usual) but this has had me giggling for about five minutes. I know you meant tapping his stick, but if only it were tap shoes. Neil "Razzle Dazzle" Winters.

[glowlights]

Everything about her is horrible. There has not been one day she has been on the show that I even remotely liked this nasty character. What a miserable shrew.

 

I wanted to punch her bitter little face through the tv screen when she said "What I am DEMANDING of you is..." All she does is ride around GC on her high horse. That's when she's not nagging Paul.

 

Where on earth are they going with either of these characters? I can't see a single purpose for either of them.

[movinon]

 

 

He repeats himself for the third time that he needs to know if his son is the father of Faith.  The doctor says he understands…that Victor has Alzheimers.

Yes, Peach!!  This is great.  Actually, this would be a good story line for Victor - maybe I could like him just the tiniest bit if he had an excuse for his madness.

Edited September 30, 2014 by movinon

[movinon]

I can see that my reply above is wrong, but I have been trying to cancel and re-do it forever now, and simply don't care anymore.  I did it just like my new instructions say, and it's been working fine - just not on this one.  Sorry.

[peach]

I'm finding Monday's episode to be chock full of hilarity, but sadly, I have to go in to work for a while before I can finish! 

I can see that my reply above is wrong, but I have been trying to cancel and re-do it forever now, and simply don't care anymore.  I did it just like my new instructions say, and it's been working fine - just not on this one.  Sorry.

 

Hey, this show makes no sense, so don't sweat it if your comment box got a little wonky. 

[Petunia13]

"Selling pencils on the street..." When did people do that, the Great Depression? I mean I can understand if they were Lisa Frank or something but doesn't seem that lucrative in this day and age.

[peach]

Mon, Sept 29    Biterz Gonna Bite

 

Summer stops by Jabot to see Jack.  They walk in his office and are surprised to find Ashley leaning back in his chair with her gold pumps up on his desk.  “Why are you surprised, Jack?  I told you I’d be back.”

 

Abby and Victoria read Lamaze brochures at the hospital.  Abby’s looking very snappy casual and pretty today.  Vicky’s anxious and distracted about the whole impending birth ordeal.  She’s kind of rude with Abby about wondering if things could have been different.  Abby says it’s not too late to choose…someone else.   Vicky tells her about running into Stitch and his mom in the park, and how offensive it was that his mom defended her son as a human being.  The nerve of some people.  And she also saw Billy in the park, playing baseball with Chelsea.  Clearly he’s moving on!  And so is Victoria!  Which is why she can’t stop bitching about it!

 

Billy and Chelsea go on an ADORABLE date to get chocolate ice cream with Connor and Johnny!  I think this is actually the same day as their adorable pie date.  This is their fourth date today:  baseball, sex, pie, ice cream.  At this rate, Billy and Chelsea will be engaged by happy hour and having a wedding toast for a nightcap.  Anyway, it’s time to get those two little boys together!

 

Johnny is having so much FUN because Daddy’s new girlfriend is Johnny’s real mom who gave him away to Connor’s aunt because she date raped Daddy with drugs!  Maybe soon he’ll get a half-step-brother-cousin and bio-step-mom-aunt!  Connor is even more excited because Mommy’s new boyfriend is Connor’s ex-uncle-in-law who shot, crashed, exploded, and drowned Daddy in a freezing river!  Daddy’s killer is so funny.  Isn’t ice cream good!

 

But for some crazy reason, Chelsea is still kind of nervous about being seen in public with Billy.  He says they’ve already done that, and lightning didn’t strike, and the world didn’t come to an end.  In fact, it’s just beginning.  They start kissing.   Johnny shouts, you’re KILLING me over here!  At least that’s what it sounded like to me.

 

Nick asks Sharon if she’s upset that Summer wants to carry Phyllis’ purse at the wedding??  Well, of course not, she can’t even figure out why Phyllis’ purse is so horrifying, even if it does have Phyllis cooties on it.  Nick says it’s just pre-wedding jitters, and if she DIDN’T have them, he’d be concerned.  But stop worrying because everything’s going to be FINE.

 

Phyllis wanders up to the door of the Abbot manse.  Comatosity and alien juice haven’t affected her brain THAT much, because she remembers how to operate their state-of-the-art security system, which is a key under a plant on the porch.  She sort of sneaks in the door, which is pretty easy in those nurse shoes, and then slowly looks around the living room.  “I’m home.”  Wait til she finds out there is NO asparagus.

 

Jack is DELIGHTED to see Ashley, but the rules are no designer shoes on the desk, lady.  “Oh, Jackie, you and your rules. You’re so pedantic in the office.”  Summer’s probably confused by college words, but thanks Ashley for the wedding gift.  Ashley’s looking forward to getting to know Summer and Austin now that she’s here.  “Here as in visiting, or here to stay?” asks Jack.  “Hmm, here for as long as it takes?” she says mysteriously.  Ash really kinda wants to discuss this with Jack privately, so Summer steps out, even though this conversation would go right over her head.

 

Ashley gets right to the point.  “I want my title back as Co-CEO.”  It doesn’t sound like a request.  But Jack says first she has to deliver on the product she promised would bring Jabot millions.  She says don’t worry, she’ll hold up her end of the bargain.  Jack doesn’t think she’s off to a promising start by hiring the “defrocked doctor” as her chemist.  “You know, Ben is more than qualified to give me what I need him to give me.”  He’s like mm hmm.  “And what exactly is that?” he asks with a twinkle in his eye.  

 

Ashley says if Jackie likes rules so much, she’s laying down her own.  He doesn’t get to ask her [who] what she’s working on.  She will disperse information as she deems necessary, because THIS is HER project.  “And THIS is MY company,” says Jack.  Uh-Uh! says Ashley, this is THEIR company.  They have to make an announcement in the next few weeks about her new position as Co-CEO.  Jack’s like why in the hell would he go along with that?   Because he needs her!  The company numbers are..decent..but she already told him THIS is a game changer!  He’s not convinced.  He doesn’t even know what IT is! 

 

Ashley says she doesn’t deal in hyperbole!  If she TELLS him she’s got something revolutionary, she is SPEAKING the TRUTH.  He doesn’t question her capabilities, but why should he share leadership with her?  She goes from edgy to pissed.  She will give him a reason!  She says he feels damned guilty, because what he did to her two years ago was beyond betrayal.  “You know in your heart that it was wrong…and it’s time to make it right!”  Okay, well, Jack admits it cost him a few nights of sleep.  She’s like…a few nights of sleep??  Only a sibling can stick it to you like that, amirite?

 

“Ash, it was business.”  She laughs harshly.  It was not business, it was PERSONAL, because she’s his sister!  And she knows he misses her, and that everything is more fun when she’s around.  “And if you don’t give me what I want…I’m not going to be around for much longer.”  I will go be a Real Housewife and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.  She grabs her own gold clutch off the table and stalks out.  Jack grimaces. 

 

Victoria says she could really go for some pancakes with real maple syrup..and a side of okra.  I highly doubt you can find okra in Wisconsin.  Abby says that sounds disgusting, and maybe illegal.  Does she look like she eats refined carbohydrates?  Besides, she has to get to a meeting with… um, a business meeting.  Ha, you can’t fool Victoria.  Abby has a meeting with Stitch about their secret project, doesn’t she? Abby grins and shrugs.  Off she goes.

 

In walk Billy and Chelsea with their baby strollers for date number five.  Billy tells Johnny they will let the doctor have a good look at that BITE.  Victoria rushes over and grabs him!  OMG, did a dog bite him?!  Of course NOT.  Adam’s spawn bit him.  Connor casually has his feet up on his stroller tray, like this ain’t nothin’ but a thang.  No DNA test required for this kid.  But sweet heaven, a toddler with two teeth bites Johnny, and you need a trip to Memorial Hospital.   Obviously Chelsea is a totally unfit mother with a hellion like Connor running around GC.  Victoria hugs Johnny for dear life and says it’s okay, baby, she’s not going to let anybody hurt you.  Not her demon nephew or his evil mother that is actually your mother too.  Chelsea rolls her eyes.

 

Phyllis kind of floats around the house, and then goes upstairs.  KELLY GETS HOME.

 

Abby is super excited to see Ashley!  It’s time for another important business meeting at the club restaurant.  Ash wants to hear the gossip first, and then the Jabot project update.  Abby loves a woman with her priorities in order!  So, omg, Jack moved his girlfriend in.  Ashley gasps!  Abby’s like, IKR?  “Right into the same room he shared with Phyllis, eww.”  Ashley’s like, you’re kidding me. 

 

“Oh, and Summer married a felon.  I guess that’s what the kids are doing these days.  Two years ago it was tattoos, now it’s assault and battery, and let’s get hitched!”  Truthfully, it’s probably easier to get rid of an Austin than a tattoo.  Ashley admits that she just saw Summer, and it seems like she’s doing pretty well.  Whatever.  “And there’s the whole Billy-Victoria-Murderer-Turned Doctor-Turned Chemist saga, but that’s all pretty much status quo.”  Ashley kinda looks away on that one.  Abby says she is now Victoria’s delivery coach. 

 

Ashley says, so there’s been NO more progress on that front since her last visit?  Abby says it depends on how you define progress.  The divorce is final, and now Billy has something going on with Chelsea Lawson!  Ashley’s eyes almost pop out of her head.  Abby’s like, hey, I don’t ask questions.  Then she says yes, she does, but she just doesn’t get any answers.  Ash wants to know what’s happening with Victoria and Stitch, then.  Where does that stand?  Abby says she can ask him herself, as he walks up and says hi.  Still looking fly and seems to dig the fact that his new job requires sitting with two beautiful, rich women.

 

Billy’s holding Johnny and tells the doc he’s sorry they wasted her time.  No problem, it’s just a thousand dollars, they don’t mind at all.  Victoria says it’s HARDLY a waste of time, who KNOWS what kind of horrible germs Johnny could have gotten from that lowlife, Connor.  Chelsea’s in the waiting room enduring Victoria blathering about how Johnny might have needed a booster shot.  Rabies, something.  Billy says he’s fine.  “Except for the emotional trauma,” whines Victoria.  Omg, she’s one of THOSE PARENTS.  I’m sure the preschool teachers LOVE to see her coming.  Billy says he’s NOT traumatized.  Chelsea says she’s glad he’s okay.  “Yeah, SO AM I,” snaps Victoria.  “It could have been a lot worse.”  Connor could have shanked him with a filed down rattle or something. 

 

Billy says he’ll go finish the paperwork before they leave.  Chelsea apologizes to Vicky and says she doesn’t know what got into Connor.  Well, it was watching you and Billy slobbering on each other.  Vicky says, well, he IS Adam’s son.  Wow.  Chelsea says she knows Vicky is upset, but that doesn’t give her the right to attack her child or Adam.   Victoria says why don’t they just keep their distance.  No problem, but Chelsea has something to say.  Oh, if she’s going to tell her she and Billy are more than friends she can save her breath, because she already SAW them together, PLAYING in the park, like the wicked park player that she is.  Chelsea smirks.

 

Austin and Mariah are stocking the bar at The Underground.  He yawns because lifeguarding is an exhausting second job.  “Oh, saving rich people from drowning, that’s worth minimum wage,” says Mariah.  Yeah, well, it’s better than living off his wealthy wife, SAID NO ONE EVER.  He explains to an experienced bartender how “top shelf” works in a bar, and the second class stuff goes on the bottom.  Mariah says just like real life, except now he’s married to a 1 percenter.  He says just because he’s married to Summer doesn’t mean he’s not still a guy from the hood.  HAHA!  Mariah laughs at Austin Abercrombie, too.  She says he’d last two seconds in the air quote “hood.”  She says where she grew up, people drank out of paper bags.  She thinks they should “confiscate” one of these top shelf liquors and have a taste of the good life sometime.  So, you can’t use rich people’s money to buy good stuff, but it’s okay to steal it from them. He says, how about right now?  She’s like, really??  Um, no! He’s lived dangerously, he’s good for now.   

 

Caper Kevin has walked in and is listening.  She says she doesn’t mean REAL DANGER, just having fun.  Austin needs to get out more!  He says, with you?  She says, with ANYONE!  Austin walks away, and she sees Kevin.  She smiles.  So where has he been?  “I’ve been busy, and from the looks of it, so have you,” he snarks.  She’s like, what?  Uh, she’s “busy” with the guy who shot his boss, who, by the way, is taken.  Mariah smirks, like Kevin is silly.

 

Nick and Sharon make out on the couch, but Sharon insists they are too BUSY for this!  It’s Faith’s birthday week plus the wedding.  And they need to decide where the hell they are going to seat VICTOR at the wedding.  I suggest the broom closet.  Nick suggests parking him next to Sharon’s mom, because that usually keeps him in line.  Sharon says her mom isn’t coming because she’s on a cruise.  She didn’t get enough notice.  And besides, Sharon doesn’t want Grampire sitting with HER side of the family!  Does Sharon even have a side?  She wonders who can control him during the “any objections” part.  Nick says to seat him with Segundo the dog.

 

Nick just wants to canoodle, but Sharon gets a call from Kelly.  She’s received the invitations from the printer and they look beautiful!  We get to see one, it says “Sharon & Nicholas Newman” request the pleasure of your company.  I find it humorous that they already have their married name.  Kelly had them hand delivered, and Sharon is relieved because she was worried people wouldn’t get them in time for the ceremony Friday!  This seems like more of an Evite occasion.  Kelly wants to come over and work on the seating arrangements.  She grabs her purse and prances out.  Phyllis heard the door close, and comes to the stairs.  Good thing she could still find some cat burglar clothes and stiletto heels they forgot to get rid of in the back of some drawer.  “Jack?” she calls.  She comes down the stairs and looks around suspiciously.

 

Yes, Victoria, Billy and Chelsea played baseball in the park.   She asks if it was a date.  Chelsea’s like seriously?  It’s none of your business.  Victoria says, unless it affects Johnny!  Chelsea’s like, I would never hurt Johnny, and you KNOW Billy wouldn’t.  He loves that little boy!  YES, Vicky knows that, and no, she wouldn’t keep him away from Johnny, because she knows how important a father is to a boy.  Chelsea says then she would appreciate if Vicky didn’t badmouth Connor’s father.  “And you might also want to remember that Connor and Johnny have the same mother,” says Chelsea.  Wow, she went there.  Victoria hasn’t forgotten…OR how that came to be, even though Billy apparently has.  Billy interrupts with Johnny, and is like, yeesh, over the tension.

 

Kelly shows up at the cottage.  She’s surprised to see Nick…and apologizes for what she must be, um, interrupting.  Nick is heading out, but Sharon needs him to help out with the landmines in the seating arrangement.  He’s still nuzzling her and Kelly says they’re so adorable she can’t even stand it.  She hopes someone else will catch wedding fever for more business.   Sharon’s like, hmmm…what about Kelly and Jack?  Kelly laughs.  Sharon says, why not?  Um, probably because she isn’t going to live through the night.  But you can see Kelly entertaining the idea.

 

Jack gets off a business phone call and tells Summer he’s sorry, it’s like all he does is work!  When he’s not lying around the house with Kelly.   Summer’s like, ugh, it’s the same with Austin.  He’s working TWO jobs right now, and it’s like she NEVER sees him, ever since he’s had two jobs for half of a day.  Ohhh, Jack thought she wanted to talk about something SERIOUS.  Summer’s like, this IS serious.  They’re newlyweds!!  Austin has to spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT bartending and lifeguarding, waaah!!

 

Jack agrees that lifeguarding is totally lame.  Summer says he’s so talented as a camera man, and Jabot does commercials and stuff, so can’t they use someone like him?  Welll, Jack could talk to the advertising department, but ONLY if AUSTIN asks him.  Summer thinks that’s stupid.  SHE’S asking, and SHE knows what Austin wants and needs.  She bought him fair and square.

 

Jack tells her to sit down.  He’s like, wow,  you are SO LIKE your mother, in so many ways you wouldn’t believe it.  I sure as hell don’t.  But Jack laughs and says it’s a good thing…Phyllis was UNSTOPPABLE, even in a car.  Only when she felt she knew what was best, and that was always.  Jack says, frankly, she was usually right, like with his pill addiction.  But all she could do was point him in the right direction, it was JACK’S choice to change things.  Just like it’s Austin’s choice to make a change now.  He says Phyllis would tell her the same thing.

 

Phyllis peruses the framed family photos, especially one of Jack.  Then it hits her.  She steps back and looks everything over, like WHERE the HELL is MINE?  She opens a cabinet and finds her photo shoved in there.  At least it doesn’t have any darts in it or anything.

 

Mariah tells Kevin he’s been reading way too much fantasy fiction.  Maybe, but he knows he didn’t imagine what he saw going on between her and “tall, dark, and married.”  She’s like can’t a girl stock the shelves?  Kevin’s just sayin’ he’s married.  Mariah’s like, ha, like that’s gonna last.  Even so, Kevin thinks Summer’s bad decision should just be hers.  Mariah says she doesn’t go after other women’s guys. He’s like, OHHH, except for Abby’s fiancé.  She’s like, um, he was MY fiancé first.  They banter some more and Mariah says she’s only sticking around town til her marriage is annulled which is taking his brother way too long to accomplish.  Plus, there’s the wedding of the century Sharon’s forcing her be a part of.  Kevin says, and I thought my life sucked.  It does, laughs Mariah.  She has to wait on a customer, but she tells Kevin, “even though you’re kind of a jerk..it’s nice to know that you care.”

 

Victoria takes Johnny and bitches about Billy giving him a lollipop.  She says he KNOWS she tries to limit his sweets, so for once could he support her and try to be a responsible parent?  This is a rhetorical question, apparently, because she walks away before she can find out that Johnny had ice cream for lunch.  Billy tells Chelsea he guesses that had nothing to do with ruining Johnny’s appetite.   She says Vicky saw them in the park, but they aren’t going to tear each other’s hair out if that’s what he’s hoping for.  Billy grins and says he doesn’t want them fighting over him!  She says, yeah, I think you kinda do.  But she’s not going to compete for his affections.  The only thing Billy wants is more public making out, which they continue.

 

Stitch explains to Ashley that it’ll be about ten days before the lab’s ready, as he’s waiting for a centrifuge from Japan.  She asks if they can throw money at the situation and get it done now.  Abby asks why the sudden urgency?  Ash says it’s because some perfect ringer of a qualified chemist applied to work in R&D.  She thinks this person was sent by competitors.  “Corporate espionage??” asks greenhorn Stitch.  Abby snaps that it doesn’t surprise her, since the murderer chemist over here was blabbing about their secret project to Victoria!  Stitch is pissed!  He says, okay, that’s it.  “I’ve had it with you calling me a murderer.  I don’t want to hear you use that word ONE more time, you understand?”  Abby’s mouth drops open, like oh em gee.

 

“Are you going to let an EM-PLOY-EE talk to me like that?” gasps Abby.  “Technically, you’re BOTH my employees, Abby.  And I think Stitch has shown remarkable restraint, considering” what a bitch you are.  “For a murderer—“ starts Abby.  “WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP,” demands Ashley.  They have to work as a team or there isn’t going to be any game changing miracle mystery perfume.  So get your shit together.

 

Abby sneers while Ashley and Stitch publicly talk bottom notes and aldehydes of the super secret product like he’s a fragrance expert and wasn’t a medical resident five seconds ago.  He’s worried about the scent losing staying power.  Ashley says, yeah, women really want staying power.  Gasp and giggle!  Oopsy, did she really just say that, hee hee?  Stitch turns into Brett Favre before our eyes.  Abby wants to vom. 

 

Chelsea pulls away from Billy and asks if he really thinks a kiss will fix her terrible day?  He thinks it will take more, and she smiles, despite saying he can’t charm his way out of this.  He says, “Let me try.”  They’re liplocked when Vicky comes back around the corner.  “Is THIS what you were doing when Connor bit Johnny?”  Yep.  Chelsea says to let it GO.  The kids are fine and the only one upset is Victoria, and it’s not because of Connor and Johnny.  “I’m concerned about my son,” says Vicky.  Chelsea says she’s taking her own son home.  Victoria tells Billy she’s surprised he’s not running after her.  “You and I need to get something straight about Chelsea,” says Billy.

 

Kelly says they have all the wedding stuff taken care of!  Except for the honeymoon. “Done!” says Nick.  Sharon looks pleasantly surprised.  Kelly’s excited everything’s a go, and she rushes off.  Nick says the honeymoon’s a surprise.  She only has to pack a bikini!  Sharon’s like, woo hoo!

 

Summer walks in The Underground so she can say hiiii to Austin in her baby voice.  He asks what she’s doing there.  “Aren’t you happy to see me?” she pouts.  Well, SURE, but he’s busy!  Emotional Black Hole Summer asks if he’s too busy to say hi to his wife?  She pounces on him with a kiss.  They make out.  Kevin mentions to Mariah that this marriage doesn’t look on the rocks.  Mariah says, “I have a proposition for you, smart guy.”  Summer explains to Austin that she was just talking to Jack, and she has really, really good news.

 

Phyllis puts her photo in the CENTER of the mantelpiece.  Ha!  Nobody puts Baby in a cabinet.  She looks around for some other egregious bullshit, and finds Nick and Sharon’s wedding invitation on the desk.  Her eyes narrow and she clenches her jaw. 

 

Vicky says “I don’t want to get into anything with you right now, Billy.”  Well, he only has one thing to say.  She has one thing to say, too!  She doesn’t think Johnny should be playing with his half-brother/cousin til he gets over his biting phase.  Billy says she’s overreacting, but fine, no more play dates with Connor.  Now it’s his turn.  He says what he does with Chelsea is none of her business.  SHE is the one who wanted the divorce.  Now Chelsea’s part of his life, and she has to get used to it.  He leaves, and Vicky pouts.

 

Ashley and Stitch feverishly discuss fragrance chemistry in front of the whole world, making Abby feel like a third wheel.  She says she’s obviously useless right now.  Ashley thinks maybe they jumped the gun on the marketing.  No shit.  Abby excuses herself and promises no more cheap shots.   More brainstorming, yet they haven’t whipped up a revolutionary formula in five minutes…but they’re so close.  Stitch offers “to come by the office” tomorrow.   Isn’t that where he works?  Ashley’s like, the office?  That’s just crazy talk.  She says how about they work through dinner instead?  Stitch says, “I’m all yours.”  Ashley looks very satisfied with herself.

 

Mariah asks Kevin how he feels about weddings.  Pretty much like Superman and kryptonite.  She’s like, come on, getting married didn’t kill you!  He says it was pretty close, so if she’s asking him to MARRY her (Mariah starts laughing), he’s flattered, but would rather be torn apart by hyenas.  Mariah replies that SHE would rather light herself on fire than tie herself to him for the rest of her life!  But would he be her date for the stupid wedding?  Kevin grins.

 

Summer says she knows Austin doesn’t want any favors from her, but this job at Jabot would be about his TALENT and not his connection to her.   Okay, okay, he’ll talk to the CEO tomorrow even though he has no connection to Summer.  He says she always has the answer.  The wrong answer is still an answer, I suppose.  Summer’s like, omg, Jack’s right, I really am just like my mom, except lazy, dumb, and whiny!

 

Sharon gives Nick a beer to get honeymoon hints out of him.   That won’t work, so she’s going to bring out the heavy artillery, as in the bikini he told her to pack.  She runs to change.

 

Jack gets home and immediately notices Phyllis’ photo on the mantelpiece.  He’s like wtf?  “Phyllis?” he gasps.  She’s not there, of course, because Jack isn’t even half as important as NICK AND SHARON GETTING MARRIED.

 

Dr. Cutler’s magic alien elixir is so good that Phyllis doesn’t even need a nap after escaping her coma prison and traveling 700 miles.  She may have also developed the power of flight, because there is already a knock at the cottage door.  Nick opens it, but nobody is there!  He steps out on the porch…and WHOOSH!!  “Someone” puts a bag over his head and yanks him away!  Omg, she’s going to lay eggs in him!  Get the flamethrower, Sharon!!!!

[PatsyandEddie]

Omg, she’s going to lay eggs in him!  Get the flamethrower, Sharon!!!!

 

Hilarious peach!!!! Gawd, this is ridonkulous with how Phyllis is roaming around. I'd want to see my children but hey, that's me. 

[glowlights]

Ashley and Stitch feverishly discuss fragrance chemistry in front of the whole world, making Abby feel like a third wheel.

 

Right? Who needs corporate espionage when you can just go have lunch at the GCAC and hear all about it.

 

Also, maybe I'm turning into Howard Hughes but it skeeved me out when Jack wiped his desk where Ashley's shoes had been. So now he's got the shmut from the bottom of her shoes on his hands... *sigh* Definite confirmation that this show has lost all its lustre (and/or it's driven me insane) when I spend half an episode wondering if Jack used Purell.

[peacheslatour]

Get out the rye bread and the mustard granny, peach hit's a grand salami!

[crosby777]

 

Where on earth are they going with either of these characters? I can't see a single purpose for either of them.

 I don't see the purpose of so many on the show. Lily? Cane? Devon? Neil? Dough face Avery? Dullan?

[movinon]

 

Adam’s spawn bit him.  Connor casually has his feet up on his stroller tray, like this ain’t nothin’ but a thang.  No DNA test required for this kid.

OK - this one is a hoot!  But there are so many to choose from.  I am still trying to learn to quote one post - I am old and will be dead before I learn how to quote more than one.  But that's ok - I'll be laughing at your re-caps until then.

[Runningwild]

My favorite part was "probably because she isn't going to live through the night." Lol. Well done, Peach!

[movinon]

 

Phyllis puts her photo in the CENTER of the mantelpiece.  Ha!  Nobody puts Baby in a cabinet.

Couldn't resist pointing out this bit of wit!  PLUS a "sorta quote" from one of my favorite movies.  You are the best, Peach.

[peacheslatour]

 

Nick asks Sharon if she’s upset that Summer wants to carry Phyllis’ purse at the wedding??  Well, of course not, she can’t even figure out why Phyllis’ purse is so horrifying, even if it does have Phyllis cooties on it.

I was hoping she'd open it and find a tube of...OMG CREEMY NOOD!!11!

[crowsworks]

 

Johnny is having so much FUN because Daddy’s new girlfriend is Johnny’s real mom who gave him away to Connor’s aunt because she date raped Daddy with drugs!  Maybe soon he’ll get a half-step-brother-cousin and bio-step-mom-aunt!  Connor is even more excited because Mommy’s new boyfriend is Connor’s ex-uncle-in-law who shot, crashed, exploded, and drowned Daddy in a freezing river!  Daddy’s killer is so funny.  Isn’t ice cream good!

This show makes Huny BooBoo look like Downton Abbey.

 

Victor is obsessed with his daughter's sex life, Sharon has more chem with Noah than Nick. Cricket wants to abort her hubby and Nikki's 50 yr old baby.

They all play musical daddies, Some day...three yrs tops.... Connor and Faith will will sell Johnny into a career in a non-union coal mine where he'd still be safer than on an ice cream run with Billy. 

[crosby777]

 

Sharon has more chem with Noah than Nick.

Way more. They should have brought Noah in as a young conquest for Sharon.. Nick and SHaron are so fucking boring.