The Way We Wish It Were: We're Writing It Over Thanks!

[peacheslatour]

 

case of Smelt It v. Dealt It

it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...

 

[NinjaPenguins]

Young and the Restless Character Biographies

Do philosophers have a word for the raw, primal self-loathing that drives a person to subject themselves to sixty minutes per day of watching the dramatic equivalent of E. Coli festering in a spiral turd tower? I'm just asking. For a friend.

MICHAEL BALDWIN: The World Organization for Responsible Medicine will now pre-empt this character profile to counter the dangerous message that Y&R is sending to men diagnosed with prostate cancer. W.O.R.M. implores those patients to get treated as soon as possible. "It is terribly risky to delay life-saving treatments due to fears that you can't, as the kids say, rock out with your cock out," says Dr. Harold T. Sachs. "Yes, there are side effects. But if impotence worries you more than death, maybe don't share your misplaced priorities with millions of viewers." Genoa City's resident sexologist Nicholas Newman offers words of hope to prostate cancer patients who fear not being to pleasure their partners in a traditional way. "Dude! Take a trip downtown. Like you can still validate her pink ticket verbally. Orally? Yeah, orally. And you know what's fun? Shopping for sex toys with your bae. Sage and I like to sneak off to Chicago and scope the dildo section at Assputin's Parlor. I like the ones they have now that ejaculate banana pudding, but Sagey prefers the Thor's Jackhammer 2500 with five speeds-holy shitballs, I just had the most amazing idea! One word - dildo battles." And we're back. Believe it or not, lawyer Michael Baldwin made a fascinating journey from rapey, obsessed stalker to fairly respectable family man and decent citizen. He had an honest-to-dog redemption tale, complete with setbacks and triumphs. Now he'd rather die than live without boners. Seriously, do not look to this show for guidance on how to cope with an illness.

LAUREN FENMORE: Successful businesswoman who spent years being badgered by psycho Sheila Carter before settling down with reformed psycho and phallus focused legal eagle Michael Baldwin. Was once buried alive by an obsessed whackjob and was more recently kidnapped and tied to a bed by a bonkers bartender she used to boff. Her hairstyle gained eternal life after a kiss from vampire Cane. You know what? This lady seems to attract a lot of nutbars. I bet Victor Newman personally cursed her ancestors way back in the 15th Century or something. That dick.

CHELSEA LAWSON: Another curse laid on Genoa City by Victor Newman, she was paid to set up Billy on phony drug charges in a foreign country. A truly dedicated practitioner of the grifting game, she threw in a roofie rape for free and swanned into GC, all knocked up with a little tan booster seat. Victoria adopted that baby, and Chelsea moved on with Adam, who fathered the second pawn in one of her classic baby scams. Chelz tried to pass the kid off as the product of a steamy one nighter with a cigar store Indian, but once the birth failed to leave splinters in her hoo-haa, the jig was up. After Adam was toasted like a marshmellow in a car crash, our heroine bravely moved on by romancing her newly upholstered rape victim. Adam returned with a surgically altered face, stolen identity, and the world's first penis transplant, because girlfriend did not recognize her husband's hardware when she was tapping Gabe. She may have been blinded by the radiant glow of his waxed pecs, which made his taut nips look like high beam headlights in a dark room. Chelsea currently works as a fashion designer, and discerning fashionistas can find her work at their local yard sale. GASP!

Edited November 21, 2015 by NinjaPenguins

[crowsworks]

Ninja, Magnifique!

[NinjaPenguins]

Young and the Restless Character Biographies

Sweet fancy banana pants, there are still more characters on this soap opera? This is becoming painful, like a pap smear with a pair of pliers. Pro Tip: Avoid the Neil Winters Memorial Boathouse Women's Health Center and Cockfighting Arena at all costs.

NOAH NEWMAN: The great white dope of the Newman family, he was born prematurely to Sharon and Nicholas Newman prior to Nick's startling regression to baboonery. A peek at his resume should reveal much about The Elder One's eldest grandson. MUSICIAN - 5 minutes

LITTLE UMBRELLA SORTER at THE UNDERGROUND - 1.5 years

TIE DISPLAY at NEWMAN ENTERPRISES - 20 minutes

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, Unlicensed - Scooby Dooby Doo!

After entering puberty in his 20's, Noah dated an undercover narc officer but swore off marriage after seeing every single adult in his life fail at it. He changed his tune because the writers really really wanted to kill his fiancee for no payoff whatsoever. He's now steaming up the sheets with Marisa, and by that I mean he irons her bedding once a week.

MARISA SIERRAS: I had to look up this character's last name, and I'm not entirely sure it was worth it. How many backstories could a dumb Chuck chuck if a dumb Chuck could chuck backstories? Answer: roughly a zillion. From the street smart lover of a Peruvian drug lord/Jack Abbott doppelgänger to the girl who made Noah Newman dissolve into giggles by letting him touch her bra strap, Marisa has seen and done it all. Somehow, she also managed to find time to marry a daughter-snatching prince who was undoubtedly dazzled by her ability to blow up boats and tolerate terrible haircuts. Currently works at The Underground, but will probably be fired when her savvy leads to the discovery that the dive bar is a front for laundering Nick's dirty black market Swedish penis pump money.

PRINCE LUCA: Hey! What if Super Mario and Princess Peach had a baby and no one gave a single, solitary fuck? Hear ye, hear ye, I present Prince Luca, crown prince of the Grand Douchey of Dickonia, ancestral homeland to fifteen percent of the world's assholes. The national anthem is Nick Newman burping the alphabet, and the national bird is the one Chuck Pratt is giving the viewers. Major exports include stereotypes, caricatures, and figs. Prince Luca came to power through a resounding victory in a Candyland duel, the traditional vehicle through which aristocratic disputes are settled in Dickonia. His Boringness now pesters the good people of Genoa City as he pursues his wife, Marisa.

KEVIN FISCHER: After Alvinn and the Chipmunks broke up, Kevin, the least famous member of the popular band, hit rock bottom. Check out the VH1 special, which details his downward spiral into statutory rape, venereal disease, arson, stalking, and attempted murder. It was a long, arduous road to redemption for the former rodent rocker, but Kevin perservered and overcame roadblocks that happened to rob banks. He has a new career as a police techie; what the GCPD doesn't know is that Kevin also works for the Department of Defense running worst case scenario simulations of a Paul Williams zipperquake. After two disastrous marriages involving murder tumors and the loss of a stepchild, Kevin has settled into a chill relationship with Sharon's daughter, Mariah. He may hold the winning entry in a WTD sweepstakes held by ex-wife Chloe.

MARIAH COPELAND: The pepper to Cassie Newman's salt, this feisty former cult child turned out to be Sharon's daughter and twin to the late, oft-lamented Cassie. Originally hired by the ambulatory diaper load known as Victor to drive bipolar Sharon insane by pretending to be her dead firstborn, Mariah briefly flirted with the idea of seducing Nick after inhaling too much formaldehyde from the Newman patriarch's silent but violent farts. Mariah loves playing with fire and has laid so many sick burns on Summer's ass that Kyle was forced to share his hemorrhoid pillow with her. It's taken awhile, but Mariah has formed a tentative bond with her birth mother and is adored by half-sister Faith. Had disappointing sex with Kevin, but realizes she has it pretty good compared to the years Sharon had to pretend banana peel tickles were hot foreplay. Mariah works at The Underground, where she waits on 2 to 3 customers per week while idly wondering when Nick will finally aspirate one of the beer nuts he keeps shoving up his nose.

[miamama]

How many backstories could a dumb Chuck chuck if a dumb Chuck could chuck backstories?

 

Ninja: Everything in your post above is pure gold, but the dumb Chuck line.... spectacular!!!

[basiltherat]

Ninja, I want to marry you and bear your children! / Lola Heatherton (SCTV)

[NinjaPenguins]

THE SCENE: A nondescript room in a federal building. Windowless. A naked bulb dangles from the ceiling. There's a table; two men sit on one side. Let's call them Agent A and Agent B. Opposite them is Victor Newman.

Agent B: You want us to arrest Jack Abbott on multiple charges of murder due to the sinking of the S.S. Testicolo five nautical miles north of the Merde Islands. You also accuse Mr. Abbott of murdering Kelly Andrews. Is this correct?

Victor: WhatthehelldidIjustsay? Doyourdamnjobs!

Agent A: Can you explain how Jack Abbott killed Kelly Andrews on an island when you yourself provided photographic evidence of her demise in the middle east weeks prior to the so-called murder?

Victor: Obviously I helped her fake her own death so she could hold Jack hostage! Arresthimalready!

Agent B: Uh-huh. Our people scoured the island and there were no bodies of American women to be found. There were, however, police officers with fat bank accounts receiving payments from El Diablo Enterprises, which is a holding of Newman Enterprises. Care to explain?

Victor: I named that company after my biological father.

Agent B: As to the S.S. Testicolo, it operated outside of the law. The men aboard that ship were wanted in nine countries for human trafficking. They sold people into slavery.

Victor: Those were husbandsandfathers Jagabbott killed!

Agent A: Children were abducted off the streets of poor countries and forced to hand stitch cheap hairpieces from baboon fur in sweatshops. They worked 14 hour shifts and received one piece of lettuce per day to eat.

Victor: So? Howwilltheymakeaquickbucknow? Jagabbott took away their livelihood!

Agent B: The crew of the Testicolo also brokered kidnappings and assassinations for South American drug cartels. Do you know anyone in the South American drug trade, Mr. Newman?

Victor: Gofuckyourself! After you arrest Jagabbott.

Agent A: As it happens, we have a contact in the Peruvian cocaine game, Mr. Newman. His name is Marco Anicelli, and he has a great deal to say about you.

Victor: He just showed up one day, looking exactly like Jagabbott. Ihadnochoice!

Agent B: Was it Marco or Jack you intended to gun down in cold blood that night in Chancellor Park when you shot an unarmed man in the chest?

Victor: Youlistentome! I would shoot Jack, Marco, Nikki, my children, my grandchildren, my horses, and the both of you to protect my fambly from Ian and Billy Boy's computer virus! YOU! GOT! THAT?

Agent A: You refer to the so-called Paragon virus? Our techies looked over your entire system and the only damage done was to spam your secret stash of tentacle porn to every email address in your contacts.

Victor: Thenhowdid Newman Towers burn down?

Agent A: Arson investigators determined that one Nicholas Newman lit a Dr. Pepper and Hot Pockets fueled burst of flatulence in a Towers elevator. That's your son, right?

Victor: I think he's Jagabbott's actually.

Agent B: I think you should call a lawyer.

[jewel21]

Agent B: Was it Marco or Jack you intended to gun down in cold blood that night in Chancellor Park when you shot an unarmed man in the chest?

Victor: Youlistentome! I would shoot Jack, Marco, Nikki, my children, my grandchildren, my horses, and the both of you to protect my fambly from Ian and Billy Boy's computer virus! YOU! GOT! THAT?

BEST. PART. EVER.

[peacheslatour]

 

Merde Islands.

*snort*

[miamama]

Ninja, I can only bow to your genius. Seriously.

[glowlights]

Agent B: You want us to arrest Jack Abbott on multiple charges of murder due to the sinking of the S.S. Testicolo five nautical miles north of the Merde Islands. You also accuse Mr. Abbott of murdering Kelly Andrews. Is this correct?

 

 

I only got this far. Cannot breathe.

[HamsterOfDoom]

SETTING

 

--  VICTOR is waiting for his samovar at the GCAC. As usual, he looks wary.

 

EDUARD enters. He is a man of average height and appearance, with dark hair going grey with age. He is dressed in a well-tailored suit with purple pinstripes, yet not ostentatious. He is alone. He sees VICTOR, and scans the room before walking over to him.

 

EDUARD Good afternoon, Mr. Newman.

 

VICTOR  And to you, sir. Of whom do I have the pleasure?

 

EDUARD My name is Eduard Santori. You are familiar with Luka, my second son, and you are also acquainted with his wife, Marisa... and you have had dealings with her lover, Marco Anicelli.

 

--  VICTOR settles in his chair and smiles, relaxing.

 

VICTOR  I should have been informed that you were coming to Genoa City. I would have welcomed you properly.

 

EDUARD  Mmm.

 

VICTOR  We have much to discuss. I understood, however, that Luka was representing our common interests and efforts.

 

EDUARD  The... amount of money involved, and the alignment of our interests, justifies the personal touch, Mr. Newman. I felt it

important to know the man with whom I am dealing.

 

VICTOR  Well. I am hardly unknown in the world of business; I've been around for a long time. What would you like to know?

 

--  EDUARD sits down. The samovar arrives.

 

EDUARD  Why did you free Marco Anicelli?

 

--  VICTOR laughs.

 

VICTOR  I see. I freed Anicelli because he served my purposes in business. Sometimes, you have to make choices that are potentially unpleasant; Marco's presence meant that one of my opponents was ... occupied, which created quite an opportunity for my company.

 

EDUARD  ... and cost your loved ones dearly.

 

VICTOR  Yes. Marco was a blade that cut both ways. That was regrettable.

 

--  NOAH enters.

 

NOAH Grampa! Victor, I need to talk to you. It's important.

 

VICTOR  What is it, my boy?

 

NOAH  There's a rumor that Luka is back in town, but I can't find him or Marisa. I need to talk to her, Grampa. There are things going on that she does not know.

 

VICTOR  I'll take care of it, okay? Right now I'm in a meeting, a very important meeting. I will call you when I am done.

 

NOAH  Please hurry, Grampa.

 

--  NOAH exits, looking concerned and worried.

 

VICTOR  As you can see, family is important to me.

 

EDUARD  Yes. So what are the terms you discussed with Luka in acquiring our aid?

 

VICTOR  It's very simple, an exchange of values. You offer the funds necessary to rebuild Newman's information and corporate infrastructure, and open your Southern European contacts; in return, you receive the use of Newman's contacts in the Far East, and a stake in Newman Enterprises, including a seat on the board. We both win, EDUARD.

 

EDUARD  Potentially lucrative, certainly, Mr. Newman. But I do not understand the vulnerability to a virus, no matter how powerful. Your infrastructure was exposed through carelessness; your subsidiaries were dismantled through power of attorney offered to unwise actors. How can we be sure that our investment will not be wasted through a recurrence of events?

 

VICTOR  EDUARD, if you have done any investigation of my history, you know that I do not surrender. I do not allow threats on my family. My business is my legacy, it represents everything I have lived my life to build and create. I will never allow anyone - a virus, an enemy company, a criminal - to destroy it. I promise you, nothing like this will happen again, okay?

 

EDUARD  I believe you, Mr. Newman. I believe that we can do business. Newman will survive. Pardon me; I must go. Thank you for an enlightening conversation. I will make the necessary arrangements on my end before I leave. All we need are signatures on the documents that Luka and you have prepared.

 

VICTOR  Any time, EDUARD. I already signed the documents and the legal team has sent them over... I impressed upon Luka the importance of dealing faithfully, you see.

 

EDUARD  Yes, I am aware of your conversations with Luka and all of their import. Good afternoon, Mr. Newman.

 

--  EDUARD leaves.

 

--  VICTOR pours himself some tea, satisfied. He lifts the cup, toasting his successful dealings with another tycoon.

 

--  A .38 is fired, destroying the cup and VICTOR's breastbone. Blood goes everywhere.

 

--  ROBERTO approaches, closely enough to VICTOR for VICTOR to hear but no-one else.

 

ROBERTO My name is Roberto... Roberto Santori. Thank you, Mr. Newman, for providing Newman to the Santori family - and don't worry, we'll take care of Luka as well. He is my brother, but he is a fool... and so are you. You are a petty gangster, Mr. Newman. You said you would die for Newman, and so you will. It's sad that a man of your age and power discovers too late what it's like to deal with people who are unafraid to actually endure the consequences of their actions. Now I must go, before your American police think to find us.

[NinjaPenguins]

You, sir, are a damn fine writer.

[HamsterOfDoom]

Ninja, I'm flattered. Thank you. I put about three days' worth of thought into what I wanted to happen - and was trying to be really careful. I also had to resist over and over again the idea of making it funny - Noah originally entered with "grampy! grampy! hey grampy! i wants stuff! can you do it for me? you're evil but i always respect you anyway! right grampy?"

 

... and I was really proud of Noah's entrance being the nail in Victor's coffin in this little piece. :)

 

(I apologize for preening...)

[movinon]

Is there a petition circulating to have Hamster and Ninja replace the current set of writers?  I believe we would need only 2, since we seem to have none at the moment.  I would like to sign and deliver to the real power at CBS.  The sad thing is that I believe we will find Eric Braeden to be the real power at CBS and I'm sure he loves the writing the way it is.  Working my way back through mountains of posts that I have missed while pouting - it will take time, since the Grey Goose begins to take over around 10:00.  Cheers!

[HamsterOfDoom]

Still catching up:

SCENE 1

MAX AND HYPERKITTYSUGARBOMBBOYCHILD ENTER SECURITY ROOM.
AUDIENCE RATHER SANELY WONDERS WHY "SECURITY" DOESN'T MEAN THE SAME THING IN Y&R THAT IT DOES IN REAL LIFE.
WRITERS: (SHOUTING) Look, viewers! A squirrel! Over there! Do you see it? Not that one, the other one! No, the other other one!
AUDIENCE SHAKES COLLECTIVE HEAD SADLY, TAKES ANOTHER HIT, AND GETS BACK TO WATCHING.
MAX: Oh look at all this security stuff, including the film of the stairway where I basically tripped Evil S.M. into tripping and falling.
HYPERKITTYSUGARBOMBBOYCHILD BOUNCES AND BUZZES.
MAX: Gee.
WRITERS: (STILL SHOUTING, USING COMIC SANS AND ALL CAPS) Scene! We can't afford the blinking lights, nor can we afford actual props that might get wrecked.

SCENE 2

LILY: I'm a good mom, I'm so attentive, tra la la. Wonder what the nanny's up to!
SOMEONE OFFSCREEN: (SHOUTING) An alarm is going off. Wooo-oooo-ooo! Wooo-oooo-ooo! Weeeee-ooo-eee-ooo, someone hand me my smokes.
LILY: An alarm is going off. Man, we've improved our attention to detail lately.
MAX AND HYPERKITTYSUGARBOMBBOYCHILD ENTER, SMOKE-RIDDEN AND CARRYING WIRES.
LILY: Max, whatever-your-name-is, did you guys have something to do with this?
HYPERKITTYSUGARBOMBBOYCHILD: yesyeswesurediditwasmaxhedestroyedthesecurityroombecausehetrippedabbyandshefellandherbabydiedcanIhazmorecerealplz
LILY: Don't we have a nanny?
LILY: I sure hope you didn't have something to do with this, Max. Good thing that security door was clearly marked and closed, although it wasn't locked.
MAX: Muuaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I mean, you're right, lady.

SCENE 3

BABALUCA: So, Victor. You need to hand Newman over to me, because, uh, I'll think of something soon. Oh, I know: you know why!
VICTOR: No, nobody knows why. Because it'd be stupid.
BABALUCA: But I'm shtupping your granddaughter.
VICTOR: First, ew.
AUDIENCE: Yes. We've met pillows with more brains.
VICTOR: Second, uh, no. While the betrayal sounds kinda neat, I don't actually think you do anything BUT betray, and I'd be an idiot not to believe you would betray me as well, since you've already done that multiple times.
BABALUCA: I'd hoped you'd forgotten about all that.
VICTOR: I'd forgotten everything but the last fifteen minutes of LINE! WHERE'S MY G******** LINE!
BABALUCA: Darn, it was worth a try.
AUDIENCE: Really?
BABALUCA: Yes.
VICTOR: Who are you talking to?

[HamsterOfDoom]

What a wonderful episode that was! Here, I'll summarize it for you nice people.

ADAM AND CHELSEA ARE CANOODLING BEFORE ADAM RUSHES OFF TO WALWORTH.

ADAM: I'm freeeeee, freee as the birrrrrds, wheee! I'm going to jail! My character will be locked away, never to be seen! Prime time, here I come! Wheee!
WRITERS: No, Justin. WALWORTH. Maximum security. So you'll have visitors every day. Lots of screen time. And none of it will make sense, muahaha.
CHELSEA GASPS.
ADAM: .... crap.

NIKKI IS PONDERING THE LIFE CHOICES THAT LEAD HER TO HAVE A NAME LIKE "NIKKI." SHE'S TOO OLD TO BE A STRIPPER NOW. TIME TO CHANGE THE DIMINUTIVE, "NICOLE."

AUDIENCE: Can the commentary, Hamster.
HAMSTER OF DOOM: Neverrrrrrrr, you'll kill the sarcasm when you pry it from my cold and dead oh wait, what scene is this?
NIKKI: Sucks that yer guilty, there, Victrrrrrr.
VICTOR: Perf cheesemonger rabbit box phone.
NIKKI: I believe everything you say is true, even when you say you're innocent, and everyone saw the proof that verified your guilt, including me. You just have to believe in yourself! Here, have a participation trophy.
VICTOR: Tie bill squirrel mellow.
NIKKI: I know, you'll do everything you can to get out of this hellhole, this terrible awful hospital room where you're fed and taken care of and you have light and everything. It's awful! They restrict your visitors to only seventeen an hour, and only allow the worst sort of people in here. In Walworth they allow you to have as many visitors as you like.
VICTOR: Moist.

DYLAN AND SHARON IN SHARON'S HOUSE SOMEWHERE, SHARON WALKS DOWNSTAIRS.

SHARON: You should have woken me.
DYLAN: I wasn't gonna wake Sleeping Beauty. Or you.
SHARON: Quick, talk about something else, I think Hamster Of Doom went to sleep during this part of the show because you're so boring.
DYLAN: I'm pretty sure Adam's innocent, what with there being SO... MANY.. QUESTIONS about this case.
AUDIENCE SLAMS BACK A SHOT IN THE Y&R "THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS" DRINKING GAME.
SHARON: Not that I'm the audience surrogate or anything, because I'm Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs here, but ... if there are so many questions that EVEN THE POLICE have, don't you think that Christine would know, and she'd hold off prosecution until we had more, like, certainty, what with certainty being pretty important in law?
DYLAN LAUGHS HIS WAY OUT OF THE SCENE.
WRITERS: Wait... did SHARON just insult us? We'll get our revenge! We'll make her a crazy person! We'll show her!

MICHAEL IS TALKING TO KEVIN AND NATALIE, AND IT IS BORING, EXCEPT FOR:

MICHAEL: Adam is going to plead guilty.
KEVIN: He can't do that!
MICHAEL: Actually, he can, all he has to do is say stuff like "I plead guilty."
KEVIN: But with all the questions that Dylan keeps mentioning, there are questions around his guilt and a competent lawyer would point that out, and a competent prosecutor would agree, and they'd wait to determine some confidence of actual guilt before bothering to put this in front of a jury, because otherwise it's too likely to be a total waste of time.
MICHAEL: But it's better than life in prison, right?
KEVIN: Do you listen to a single word I say?
NATALIE: hes right though i mean what are the odds that hell get something like thirty years haha where is my punctuation hamster
MICHEAL: None at all, dun dun dunnnnn!
KEVIN: ... did you just make the "dun dun dunnnn" noise?

FAST FORWARDING NOISES.

NIKKI IS STILL BLATHERING TO VICTOR.

NIKKI: Victor, darling, you have rescued us all so many times, etc.
VICTOR: Muh err.
NIKKI: I know you had nothing to do with Adam's charges. If you had, it would have had an end game where you basically had him over a barrel, unable to do anything but what you wanted him to do, like exercise his free will and talents and stuff. And none of your plans ever go wrong, except-FAST FORWARDING NOISES.
NIKKI: ... right?
VICTOR, LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE: ... you said it.
NIKKI: Nurse? Nurse? Victor's pants are smoking.

COURT. AT THE BACK OF THE COURTROOM, CHLOE IS WEARING A RAINBOW-COLORED CLOWN WIG AND A NAMETAG THAT SAYS "MY NAME: NOT CHLOE."

JUDGE: All rise, all rise, the production company's too cheap to put a bailiff costume on a day player, plus if they have a line we have to pay them more. So, uh... The Honorable Carrie O'Justice has been seated, or something.
ADAM: Oh no! It's Mrs. Carriage O'Justice presiding!
HAMSTER OF DOOM: I love my puns.
AUDIENCE: Shut up, Hamster.
JUDGE: Yeah, yeah, let's get this show on the road. I signed a contract, if this momentous event takes longer than 32 seconds I lose money. Adam, how d'you plead, do you under... oh screw it, how do you plead, hurry.
ADAM: I understand what guilt means -
JUDGE: HOW DO YOU PLEAD, clock's tickin'
ADAM: Guilty.
JUDGE: Thirty years, walworth, bye now.
CHLOE: Muahahahahahaha you been FRAMED SUCKA! SUFFA! YEAH YEAH YEAH! TAKE IT AND DIE!
CHRISTINE: la la la. Wonder who that is.

Edited July 19, 2016 by HamsterOfDoom

[NinjaPenguins]

Goodness, if only Victor was that articulate during the actual show! 

[LeftPhalange]

If only he killed himself during the show.

[HamsterOfDoom]

leftphalange: he's probably done that, too. After all, killing victor is difficult; it's been done multiple times and the bastard keeps surviving (see: Heart, Colleen's.) There's a REASON we call him "Grampire," you know....

But I totally agree. He eats the show, in lots of ways, and he's a crutch for the writers. He needs to go away.

[HamsterOfDoom]

BTW, I wasn't writing new scenes - I was transcribing scenes that exist in the show already. I didn't even have different *outcomes* for the scenes.

[HamsterOfDoom]

BTW, this forum doesn't show up on the Y&R main page. I don't know how people find it.

[HamsterOfDoom]

NIKKI AND PAUL, IN THE GCAC DINING ROOM, WITH A ROPE.

NIKKI, TO PAUL: Oh!
PAUL: I don't want to hear it. I know that you want Victor exonerated through appeal because you people were all madsies at him and therefore your passion supposedly affected whether he actually did evil things or not, and so now that you're all grateful to him for nearly getting you killed but not quite, he's supposed to be innocent. What's more, the currant buns are NOT that great, you may think you want one but you don't, but the jam is quite nice. And I do think that the Jackson Pollock thing your granddaughter calls a hairdo is a little silly. But none of it's going to do any good. Victor is going back to jail. And my pants will ALWAYS be this tight, holy moo-cows running with scissors this hurts!
NIKKI: ... I wasn't going to say any of that. Just coughed. Bye!

IN JAIL, OR IN THE CHANCELLOR MANSION, CAN'T TELL BASED ON THE COLOR SCHEME.

WARDEN: Inmate whose name I do not know.
ADAM: ... Warden.
WARDEN: You Newmans are all the same, except that you have different names, you look differently, and act differently, and have completely different personalities and bank accounts based on what the plot needs. But apart from all the differences, exactly the same.
ADAM: ... okay.
WARDEN: Must be hard for you to be here, huh, with no cushy bed, no nice bathroom, right?
ADAM: I've never actually seen my bed or my bathroom. I'm sure they're nice, but all my scenes are in my living room, including when I'm getting busy with Gaspy.
WARDEN: I'm warning you, etc. Just like I warned your old man! Wait, did I warn him? I can't remember, he had the run of the place. But it's a hellhole, let me tell you!
WARDEN STOMPS OFF MUTTERING "BLUH-BLUH-BLUUUUUH" ALL DOWN THE HALLWAY.

IN THE HELLHOLE I MEAN HOSPITAL.

GASPY: You set him up.
VICTOR: I didn't, I swear it.
GASPY: You know where those papers are. You poisoned a woman's corpse, you altered Sage's diary - 
SAGE'S GHOST: It was a JOURNAL!
GASPY: then you framed Adam so he'd be forced to do what you wanted instead of, like, asking him - 
VICTOR: I didn't do any of that, I swear it on my mother's grave.
VICTOR'S MOTHER'S GHOST: I heard that, you little bastard.
GASPY: I have a scalpel.
VICTOR: I will do everything I can for Adam, I love him, even though I treat him like he's the crap I scrape off the bottom of my shoe. But I can't help him right now.
GASPY: Good 'nuff. Time for you to donate blood to the floor.
VICTOR: First off, have you met me? I don't have any blood. Second, wait, is this scene over already? Darn it-

FAST FORWARDING NOISES BECAUSE LOTS OF BORING STUFF HAPPENED.

LUCA AND SUMMER ARE, AS USUAL, GROSS.

BACK TO THE HELLHOLE I MEAN HOSPITAL.

GASPY: You're no use to me.
VICTOR: First off, have you met me? Second, I don't have those journal pages I know nothing about, and I didn't poison that woman's corpse, someone else did it after I told them to. Third, LINE, PLEASE.
PAUL AND NIKKI ENTER. THEY SAY STUFF, AND GASPY LEAVES.
GASPY: My recorder didn't work. Some advertisement for Android THIS show is.
AUDIENCE IS NOW TOTALLY CONFUSED BECAUSE DANG IT THAT ACTUALLY MADE PERFECT SENSE. WHAT SHOW IS THIS?

IN WALWORTH, BACK AT ADAM'S CELL.

ADAM: La la la, here I am in jail, bibbity-bobbity-boo. Some hell this is! This is great!
VICTOR WALKS UP.
ADAM: Oh... crap. Okay, yes, it's a hellhole.
VICTOR: You're in here with me now.
ADAM: ... Does "in" not mean the same thing to you that it does for me? You're walking around. I'm not. Seems to me that your "in" is a lot more "out" than my "in" is.
KEVIN: Let me tell you about being out...
VICTOR: This is all your fault, you know.
ADAM: ... because i didn't do what you wanted, and you decided to act like a childish god-being who basically gets to throw a tantrum and drown everyone around him?
VICTOR: You say it like that's a bad thing.
ADAM: ... AND SCENE, WHY IS THIS *!^#%!@ NOT DEAD YET

[NinjaPenguins]

The scene: Summer's and Luca's rehearsal dinner. Jack stands to deliver a toast after sipping discretely from a flask most of the evening.

Jack: Ah, Summer. I remember the day you were born. I delivered you in an elevator, and in retrospect I shouldn't have used those salad tongs I found in your mom's purse as forceps. Live and learn.

Nick: (raises hand) Phyllis stole 'em from the Olive Garden. We liked to spice up our dates with a little light crime. See, she'd confess when we got home, and I'd spank...uh, sorry. Go on.

Jack: I watched the nurses and doctors wheel you and your mom away. Nick glanced back at me, and I'll never forget...he clenched his fist and vigorously jerked it to and from his groin area while mouthing the words "Suck it." 

Nick: Oh. My. God. That's why the baby smelled like a crouton!

Jack: All those years I wanted you to be my daughter. For a year, you were. Then my lovely wife burst into Sharon's wedding like an albino godzilla and blew it all to hell. That's why Victor shot her up with coma juice. That's what Red's desperate hitchhiking journey from Georgia was all about. Ruining Sharon and robbing me again.

Victor: Youareplaying a very dangerous game, Jagabbott!

Jack: Go play with a live grenade, motherfucker. I'm not even close to being finished here.

Phyllis: Jack...

Jack: We'll get to you. But first, Summer. Even though you weren't my biological daughter, I still loved and supported you. I gave your jobless, aimless, spoiled ass a free place to live. I walked you down the aisle so you could marry your first dirtbag. I didn't call the police when I repeatedly caught you performing lewd acts with my favorite garden gnome. 

Summer: Waaaaaah! 

Jack: You know what I do now when I wake up in the morning and it dawns on me all over again that I'm not your father?

Jack nimbly performs an impromptu Irish jig followed by cabbage patching.

Abby: Uncle Jack, please!

Jack: Abby, it's time you knew. Colleen was my favorite niece. The only reason I haven't  stapled dead sardines to your father and dropped him into a walrus pit is because her heart is being held hostage inside his moldering rib cage. 

Billy: Come on, bro. Let's go get some fresh air, clear your head. 

Jack: I'd like to toast my wonderful wife first. Her devotion is really something. Nothing says love and fidelity like avoiding all physical contact with your husband like he has the bubonic plague. It's terrible of me, isn't? Wanting to kiss my own wife? It must be, because you always look at me like I just asked you to scrape the grout out of Victor's scrote folds.

Phyllis: I've had a lot on my mind, what with this wedding and -

Jack: Sell it to the Santoris, Red. Forget about our total lack of intimacy. I want to talk about that new perfume you've been wearing.

Phyllis: New perfume? Jack, you're not making any sense and you're ruining Summer's special time.

Summer: Grampa will give me another rehearsal dinner and it will be better and fancier and dumb old Jack won't be invited! I'm a Newman and Newmans get whatever they want.

Jack: Anyways...I've noticed a mysterious new fragrance wafting from you, Red. At first I couldn't quite place it. Then, light bulb! It was cheap paint! Cheap, bargain basement, ugly ass paint. There are notes of... flop sweat, the kind of sweat that drips off someone who deep down knows they're a worthless, unaccomplished fraud and hopes the world will never find out. But they do, they always do.

Billy: Jack, stop.

Jack: The whole bouquet, if you will, is tied together by the odor of burnt biscuits. And ass. Unwashed ass that has been left to decompose in a hot, humid rainforest. Brash &  Sassy should bottle it and call it Eau de Buttbiscuit. 

Billy: Don't talk about my lady that way! You've kept her in a gilded cage for too long and only my love can set her free. How dare you keep us apart! Hear me now, monster, nothing on Earth can hold back the storm that is our passion! 

Daniel: Mom, no. Just no.

Victoria: I'm going to have Katie's paternity re-tested. I'll need your help, Sharon.

Nick: Best rehearsal dinner. Ever.

Summer: I don't get it.

[miamama]

I love you, Ninja. Truly.

[peacheslatour]

My god, Ninja, I would pay good money to see that! Nicely done.

[Js Nana]

My interest isn't in re-writing one scene or episode, it's actually in what I wish had been the direction of the show - four wishes:

1. That the character of Brad Elliot had been written as a mainstay of the show, a guide through all the comings and goings of all the other characters, rather like the character of the Stage Manager in Thornton Wilder's "Our Town."

2. That Chicago, IL, had been identified as corporate headquarters for the Abbott, Chancellor and Newman multi-billion-dollar international business interests, with Genoa City, WI, identified as the location of their magnificent homes and estates, with GC and its environs being where most of the on-stage drama takes place.

3. That GC's working class and middle class be more represented among the shows characters.

4.  That the final scene of the final episode be digitally spliced into the first scene from the first episode, showing now-Brad riding out of Genoa City in the cab of a Semi-truck passing 1973-Brad riding into Genoa City in the cab of a semi-truck - - how Y&R began, is how it should end.

My interest isn't in re-writing one scene or episode, it's actually in what I wish had been the direction of the show - four wishes:

1. That the character of Brad Elliot had been written as a mainstay of the show, a guide through all the comings and goings of all the other characters, rather like the character of the Stage Manager in Thornton Wilder's "Our Town."

2. That Chicago, IL, had been identified as corporate headquarters for the Abbott, Chancellor and Newman multi-billion-dollar international business interests, with Genoa City, WI, identified as the location of their magnificent homes and estates, with GC and its environs being where most of the on-stage drama takes place.

3. That GC's working class and middle class be more represented among the shows characters.

4.  That the final scene of the final episode be digitally spliced into the first scene from the first episode, showing now-Brad riding out of Genoa City in the cab of a Semi-truck passing 1973-Brad riding into Genoa City in the cab of a semi-truck - - how Y&R began, is how it should end.

[Js Nana]

21 minutes ago, Js Nana said:

My interest isn't in re-writing one scene or episode, it's actually in what I wish had been the direction of the show - four wishes:

Sorry about the repetition, I kept hitting submit because I thought it wasn't working.